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Sweat The Man's Mag February, 1961; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1961

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SWEAT (Perversion Diversion) The Man's Mag 35 cents You are sinking into the lawn of the state historical society "Flesh was torn from my body by savage student union pigeons" (see page 9) A parody by the makers of Showme Hunt's Prescription Drug Store, Inc. The Novus Shop VOTE SPA* Guts Editor-Marion Ellis - Art Director-Joe Jahraus Cartoon Editor-U. W. Overbey Copy Editor-Ellen Welch Joke Editor-Jim Morris Advertising Manager-Sandy McMillan Business Manager-Dick James Asst. Business Manager-Bruce Smith Circulation-Promotion-Larry Fuller Production Manager-Charlie Doud Production Assistant-Judy Isaacs Asst. Art Director-Bob Ritenour Subscription Manager-Dave Wright Exchange Editor-Gerry Naes Cartoonists-Eric Johnson, Al Addington, Bob Gatewood, Matt Flynn, Ron Powers, Harvey Levine Writers-Narvie Straunch, Larry Roth, Etaoin Shrdlu, J. J. Pierce, Pete Inserra, Mike Reagan, Suzanne Grayson, Joe Abrams Advertising Salesmen-Diza Pepper, Joe Heming way, Sandra Rossman Photographer-Tim Guse Business Staff-Sandy Lantz, Lucia Williams Proofs-Dave Rankin Circulation-Promotion-Carol Vest, sorority sales manager; Bob Irvin, fraternity sales manager; Erniee Urech, ' independent sales manager; Ralph Herring, Dick Morrow, Jack Spratte, Al Clawson, Jack Sandweiss, Bob Ingersoll Missouri School of Mines: Terry Mills, editor Ed Schwartz, features; J. J. Gianquintos, pro motion-circulation; Robert Elliott, business man ager. The Missouri Showme is an official publica tion of the student body of the University of Missouri, published eight times during the school year (if we're lucky), Address all correspondence to: Missouri Showme, Read Hall, Univ. of Mo., Columbia, Missouri. Unsolicited manuscripts will not pe re- turned unless accompanied by a self-addressed stamped envelope. Ad rates furnished on resuest. National advertising representatives: College Magazines Corp., 405 Lexington Ave., New York 17, N.Y. Any material may be reprinted in whole or in part with the written permission of the edi- tor. Printed by Modern Litho-Print Co., Jeffer- son City, Missouri. Life Savers United Campus Candidates President: ROGER BRIDGES Vice President: DICK MORROW Secretary: MARTHA FREEMAN Treasurer: CHARLES STOCK 3 The St. Pat's Board of Missouri School of Mines invites YOU to come on down and hang one on with us Rolla MO St. Pat's '61 March 16-18 LIST OF EVENTS FRIDAY 12:30 p.m.-Beard Contest 1:00 p.m.-St. Pat's Parade 9 p.m. - 1 a.m.-Costume Ball 10 p.m.-Knighting Ceremony 12 - Fraternity Parties SATURDAY Afternoon-Sammy Gardner-Emmet Carter-Chuck Tillman will play on MSM campus 9 p.m. - 1 a.m.-Cora Ball 10 p.m.-Coronation Ceremony 12 a.m. - Fraternity Parties Music at both dances by: Jimmy Cook (Voted No. 1 Collegiate Dance Band in Country) St. Pat's - 1961 - "I dreamed I went to Saint Pat's Ball in my "Made-in-the-form" Bra" I dreamed I "Tramp-Tramp- Tramped around the columns" In my Maidonfarm Bra SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Army ROTC'S Shocking Assault by Cadet Lieutenant Major Colonel Slipperyslop Yeah, I was there. I was there the day the Old Man came through-the dirty, stinking, grimy, sweaty, lying, cheating, stealing, creeping, bitter. underhanded, sidewinding day that was the Old Man's most brilliant hour. Yeah. I was there all right. I can look back now across the span of time and remember it like it was yesterday. Part- ly, I guess, because of the impact of the thing, partly because of the bigness of the thing, but mainly because it was yesterday that it happened, by George. Me? Call me Ringo. Spike Ringo. I hate that name. Every time the platoon sergeant calls out my name the boys all hit me with spikes. They think it's an order. Some day I'm going to change my name to Pay Ringo. I remember that day. I was lounging around the Army ROTC gunshed with the guys in my pla- toon. It was a stinking, dirty gunshed. It was a grimy, sweaty platoon. It was a scrounging loung- ing. Times were tough. We had been on this underhanded, bitter, for- saken outpost for nearly ten minutes now, and some of the guys were getting homesick. After a semester and a half of Army ROTC I could tell the signs pretty well. They were petitioning out of the course. "Quit petitioning out of the course and listen for a. minute, grimy, sweating platoon," I said, with an attempt at cheerfulness. "We won't be out on this post long. Why, before you know it the bell will ring and we'll be on our way to our next class. How 'bout it whaddaya say there hey fel- las there boy?" (I was trying to create a father image.) One of the rookies, a thin guy named Stanko- lic jumped out of the mul puddle in which he had been wallowing and stumbled over to where I was crouched. "Ivehaddanoughathiscrudystinking- stinkcrudcruddystinkstinkstink cruddystincrud!" he slobbered through clenched teeth. Stan had seen a lot of war movies, but wasn't too hot with the dramatic line. He pulled a handful of demerit slips from a grimy pocket and methodically choked to death on them. I pretended not to notice. Stan was troubled about something, and it was best to let him work it out with himself. A platoon sergeant came crawling up through the darkness toward our grimy slobbering group. I could smell trouble. "Hey!" he whispered. "Hey!" he crawled a little closer and I could see he had a slide rule wound in the left hip. "Hey!" he said again. "Spike Ringo!" Fifteen spikes hit me at once, adding an aura of matted blood to the al- ready grimy scene. I decided I had been right about smelling trouble. "Forgot to say 'May I', fellows," I quipped, deciding a little homespun humor would help the situation. I nonchalantly kicked Stan's body into a manhole (bad for morale) and said "Ringo over here." A fat lady came over, checked my card, and handed me 75 cents. "I said, 'Ringo', not 'Bingo'," I said. I later wished I hadn't. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 "Old Man wants to see you, Ringo," winced the sergeant. :'Say it's important. Says - Ulllllch." He dropped his face in the realistic muck. As I splashed through the night mire and grime to the Old Man's quarters, many questions flashed through my mind. Why would the Old Man want to see me? Why would it be important? Why would he want to say 'Ulllllllch???' "Ulllllch," said the Old Man as I staggered sweatily through the bullet-riddled door to the ROTC officer's quarters. "I have an upset stomach, pain of neuritis, neuralgia. Tension is putting nerves on edge. I feel dull, depressed." "Have you tried Bufferin?" I asked, pulling a bottle from my torn shirt. I broke it on an old portrait of General J. J. Pierce and amputated his stomach with one of the pieces. "That should take care of your upset stomach, Sir," I said bright- ly. "I feel better already," said the Old Man, smiling. Two small veins in his cheeks popped. It was his first smile in thirteen years. "A man lets the years creep up on a man," he observed. "You must be Ringo," he continued. "Spike Rin- go." "Right, Sir," I replied, removing several spikes from the small of my back. (At least they were laying off with the head business.) The Old Man looked at me. I could see the tension in his eyes. The lines in his government- approved face were drawn tight. Unable to resist the impulse, I reached over and played a few bars from "Madame Butterfly" on the tightly-drawn wrinkles around his eyes. I thought he would take offense, but he merely said, "I'm proud to know that some of my men got a little culture in 'em." He wiped his hand on his mouth (in case some- body wanted to make a movie out of this particu- lar episode it would be a fitting gesture) and crawled on his stomach over to a large wall map. (The enemy was everywhere in those days.) "You are doubtless familiar with the terrain, Ringo," he said, in the cool, icy tones that reminded a man of a troubled radiator, pointed to the map of the world with his map-of-the-world-pointing- to stick. (He didn't have a map of the campus available, but copyright laws demand at least one map scene in every war story.) "The problem is this," he continued. "The Imperial Administration of the University of Mis- souri has deliberately and without warning gone an hauled off and cancelled the Military Ball!" (I was shocked. My elbow was in the open socket. I pulled my elbow out and some of the shock began to disappear.) I said, numbly, "You ought to do something about that open socket." "I intend to do something, Ringo," he said fiercely. "I intend to send a task force to Jesse Hall - that's about here on the map - and force them into an Unconditional surrender of Rockwall SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Gym. We need men - brave, sweaty, grimy, hairy, bloody, stinking, crawling, tough men, Ringo, and I'm asking you to lead them. It will take a lot of grime and sweat and blood and stuff like that, but I think you can do it. If you can, it will be my most brilliant Hour." I pondered this a moment. "Most authorities," I said thoughtfully, "recommend a periodic inspec- tion of the household to guard against such dan- gers as open sockets. It cuts down on fires, too." "You'll leave early in the morning," said the Old Man. "You'll be excused from drill. Take plenty of food. Greasy food. Be sure to do a lot of crawling around and sumbling and grimacing and looking through binoculars. You got all that?" I looked him in the eye, my voice filled with emotion. "Overloading sockets can also be a cause of home fires," I said. I turned and opened the door. My sweating eyes looked out over the still post, the mud wav- ing in the cooling February breeze. Somehow I knew things were going to work out all right. You know - you get those feelings. Yeah - things were going to work out all right. Yep. The Old Man had just stuck his finger in the open socket. It was his most brilliant hour. FLY HILL-BILLY AIR LINES ECONOMY FARES * No crowded terminals * No uncomfortable seat belts * No annoying, beautiful hostesses * No time consuming safety inspections * No complicated schedules * Endorsed by Will Rogers, Carol Lombard, Mike Todd Contact Hill-Billy Airline RFD 5 Pine Cone, Mo. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Flesh was torn from My Body By Savage, Maneating Student Union Pigeons As Told to Tommie Woolf It was high noon. The heat was unbearable. The ominous sound of bells pounded in my ears. I asked myself why had I, Valerina Volup- tuous, volunteered as a USO per- former to keep the expedition members happy on this dangerous trek into savage flesh-eating pig- eon country? Oh, foolish, foolish one, I cried. The expedition halted, Dr. Hughes, the leader, approaches me now. "Valerina, my dear," he leers, "and, how are you taking the heat?" he brethes. My body pulsated nervously, my heart pounding wildly as I replied haltingly, "You need a MAN'S de- oderant, buddy." I felt badly about repulsing the professor's advances after all he wasn't such a bad guy. If only he would learn that I'm not gullible enough to believe his story that I should give my body to science. There's Harlan Hormoe now feeding the giant pack cockroaches that we captured in the Underpass country and tamed. What a man. If only he knew how I want him, need him, hunger for him. Here he comes now. Play it cool, Val, and watch the sparks of lust kin- dle in his eyes. I leaned back on the crusty rock, my thin blouse straining with downy-soft burdens, my right leg bent into an alluring position, as my short skirt struggled to stay together. Harlan said, "It's about dinner time, Miss Voluptuous. What'll you have salt pork and beans or beans and salt pork." He looked tired as SHOWME. FEBRUARY, 1961 he asked himself constantly, "What kind of a jerk are you to try to take this expedition through sav- age flesh-eating pigeon country?" I shifted my right hip with a las- civious twitch - What a man! I'll bet he wishes he could know me better. See how his eyes spar- kle as he looks appreciatingly at the profile of my made-in-form. Harlan thinks, "She's 35 if she's a day. What a pig. The native cook's got more sex appeal." "Harlan," I said. "Yes, Miss Voluptuous." "Don't call me Miss Voluptuous. My name is Val." "Probably for Prince Valiant," Harlan thought. "Okay, Miss Voluptuous," he re- plied aloud. "You'd better put some good clothes on for tonight. It's formal and there ain't much left of that shirt you got on." So, with these kind, loving words he left. Later We were getting closer to sav- age flesh-eating pigeon country. I was reaching a crisis. The heat was unbearable and I was running out of cologne. I sent a native boy out for some. After all it was only 450 miles to the nearest drugstore. Suddenly, I heard savage cries above me. I had wandered away from the main party. The sky was black with beating wings. Was it the savage flesh-eating pigeons? No, it was only giant wasps car- rying captured elephants back to their homes. Then suddenly, Harlan was at my side. His strong sun-bronzed arms encircled my narrow waist. His hot lips searched for my mouth, skampered down my neck and I tried to control the heat of impending lust. I had been wait- ing a long time at at last we were alone and he wanted me. My breasts heaved with passion as he his search hands sought and found willing consent. "Harlan what made you wait so long," I panted raggedly. "It was that damned cologne you use," he spat. "Gawd, what a stench." Later, as I stepped out of my bath onto the grass I thought - how soft jungle foliage is. I had just stepped out of my portable shower and my body shimmered alluringly. The native boy's eyes shone with lust. I met his lustful stare coldly and draped a towel over my body. He kept on staring and broke into a wide knowing smile - mainly because the towel had a big hole in the middle. I grabbed another towel and snatched the cologne he had brought from his hand. He turned to depart. "What a minute, Whip," I called "What's with you any- way. You know I don't use this brand. Get me Allure, you idiot," and I flung the bottle at him. (I see no practical value in con- tinuing this story per se since the rest is just about sex and lust and all that mushy stuff with lurid descriptions of body contact, which, of course, no one is interested in: The Editor. Oh, yes, the pigeons are never seen. They were elusive little devils and the expedition was a miserable flop.) 9 I Was Trapped Inside Johnston Hall by a Love-Hungry Goddess By Norm DePlume "Then I realized that I was trapped - boxed in! I had come in through the only door to the laundry room, and a horde of hysteri- cal females was about to come bursting through it. Where could I hide? No big waste cans, no closets, and the dryers just weren't my size . . ." It all started that night when I went to John- ston Hall to pick up Eldora for the St. Vitus' Day Dance. I was no later than usual, and after buz- zing her room I wandered up the East Corridor - or maybe it was the West Corridor, I'm not sure which - and sat down in a comfortable lounge chair to wait. Eldora was later than usual. I must confess that I dozed off over a copy of Maneater that had been decomposing on the coffee table; I was aroused shortly by an animated conversa- tion coming from around a corner, and, assuming that my date was on her way, I tried to clear my foggy brain as I walked up the hall to meet her. Approaching the feminine voices, I caught a bit of the conversation. "Whatver happened to old Alfred?" "You mean the night watchman? He got fired last week when they caught him sleeping in his little room with . . .all the doors unlocked." Suddenly I saw the two girls. Neither one was Eldora.- They broke off their chatter in mid-sen- tence and stared at me as if I were a man from Mars. All at once I realized blushingly that I had wandered too far. I tried to talk my way out. "Is Eldora Phlugg . . uh . . . er . . . coming?" The girls were still staring, but their gazes had turned from surprise to a look that I hadn't seen 10 since Dr. Daniels' class in Elementary Hypnotism The girls came toward me with an almost fluid movement. I found myself powerless to resist as one took each arm and led me up four flights of stairs. Even now I can recall only vaguely what they said in voices that seemed to come from a thousand miles away as we climbed step after step. "Resistence is useless. You must do as we tell you." "Your date for tonight is off. You are the chosen one to be the annual sacrifice to our god- dess of romance." "You will spend this evening with our ack- nowledged leader, who never allows any boy to speak of love to her except on this special night." By this time we were walking down a cor- ridor on the top floor of Johnston Hall. Girls were standing at attention on both sides with glazed eyes and blank expressions. We stopped beside an unnumbered door which swung open as if by magic. There she was, the goddess of ro- mance: quivvering with emotion as she sat in the midst of her beautiful attendants, the most repulsive old housemother I've ever seen. She was dressed i na queer purple dress with a big imitation flower at the throat. Her hair was bleached a murky yellow and her face re- sembled a relief map of the Hink. All in all, she looked like a cross between a Harpy and one of the little old women that sit behind the desks in the Stephens dorm lobbies. She gave orders to various girls through a pudgy redhead whom I recognized as a celebrated make-out, and whom she addressed as "Honey" or just plain "Hon." Suddenly it came to me who these two characters were: the notorious "Mother Crater" and "Fats Blasterson, the Fastest Hon in the West Center." SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Coming to my senses, I broke away from my two guards and ran down the hall with at least a hundred shrieking girls at my heels, and Mother Crater's cracked baritone audible above the whole din yelling, "Bring him back - alive!" I was gaining steadily on the mob, but the end of the hall was rapidly approaching. Flying through a door without a second thought, I found myself in the laundry room. Two girls, evidently unaware of the attempted sacrifice to the love- starved housemother, were so shocked by my en- trance that they dropped their wash bundles and ran. Their clothes were strewn across the floor blouses, socks, and a couple of Playtex . . . rubber gloves that kept them from getting dishpan hands. All this I took in at a glance as my heartbeat increased with the approaching foot- steps. Then I realized that I was trapped - boxed in! I had come in through the only door to the laundry room, and a horde of hysterical females were about to come bursting through it. Where could I hide? No big waste cans, no closets, and the dryers just weren't my size. I sprang for the window and inched my way down a narrow out- side ledge, just as the mob rushed in, pushing and clawing and not even hesitating as they exposed their . . . fanaticism. When the frenzied females realized that I was not in the room, they stopped in their tracks. Mo- ther Crater was a little slow getting there - I think she was having strap trouble - but when she arrived, she once again put the girls into fran- tic motion. First she called for an APB (All Pos- sible Barriers) to be set up, including stakeouts of the girls and their boyfriends at each door. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 When I heard this, I broke out into a cold sweat- after all, the temperature outside was three be- low zero. After everyone had left, I knew my time to act had come. I knew because my fingers were getting numb and it looked like a long drop to the ground. Some time later I peeked cautiously through the laundry room door. I didn't know whether I'd been recognized or not in the uniform and the toupee that the man posing as a maid had worn. Only one person was in the hall - Mrs. Twitcher, the assistant housemother, who was talking on the telephone. Getting what I thought looked like a virginal . . . expression on my face, I boldly walked right past her. I heard what she was say- ing, and knew that she would be too engrossed to notice me. "Darling, the girls have to be in at 12:30 to- night. Come over about quarter to one, and we'll have the whole front porch to ourselves!" I found out later that the man on the other end of the phone was a campus cop. From there on, getting out was easy. Scrub pail in hand, I walked out the front door and up Hitt Street to my dorm. As I climbed the stairs to my room, still in disguise, a personnel assistant reminded me to call out, "Woman on the floor!" So that's my story. I've been graduated now, but I've never told, about my harrowing experi- ence for two reasons. First, nobody'd pay me, and second, I couldn't help wondering what unsuspect- ing boy would be this year's sacrifice to the god- dess of romance . . . 11 The Sweat Shopper NEED MONEY? Earn up to $33.17 per hour raising anchovies. No mess, no bother, care for these adorable little deni- zens of the deep in your spare time. We'll show you how! Write for free booklet right away! BOX GYP, ROBBERLY, N.Y. MEN! Do you want to look virile in a bathing suit? Impress the girls? Just try a bottle of DERMIFUZZ OIL for two weeks, and see the amazing results. DERMIFUZZ will put a luxurious growth of thick, dark, manly hair on your chest! Discovered as a cure for baldness, now comes in latest Parisian scents to give you enduring masculinity. NEVER FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL? Need a diploma to get a better job, more pay? The American In- stitute of Secondary Institutions can help you. Send for the free booklet that will change your life! With our new, no study method, diplomas are not reserved for the brainy minority. Order yours now with this hand order form. Dear Sirs: Please send the following items which I have checked. Diploma . $10.00 Cum Laude Diploma 15.00 Valedictorian Diploma . .25.00 (name printed in gold, 50c extra) Also enclose free hon- or society pin catalogue. Signed (X will suffice), . TIRED? BORED WITH THE SAME OLD JOB, DAY AFTER DAY? Take the special course now of- fered. Learn to be a University registration official. Give me 3 minutes of your time each day and I can make you a rich man. You need no education whatsoever. As a matter of fact, if you've got any education, you'll probably fail the course. Send only $350, your name, address and sex and favorite song to Money Mad, 1200 University Ave., Columbia. 12 WANTED! FRIENDLY LITTLE GIRL TO CALL MY OWN If you have a little girl you'd like to have adopted into a nice, rich home, contact H. Humbert, 1201 Sweetness Lane, Incest, Mo. GIRLS!!! STOP WORRYING! You too can have a normal happy life and all the good things that go with it. How? It's easy just let us handle your every whim. The requirements are very easy to meet. Send only $1,002 plus taxes and pedigree to STEE VINS Col- letch, Columbia, Mo. BROKEN-HEARTED? TAKE HEART WE HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU If you want to meet nice, friendly good-looking males or females we have just the thing for you. Drop in and see about our easy lay- away plan. Send card or letter to Student Onion, Columbia, Mo. GO BLOODHOUND BUS LINES "It's such a pleasure to take the bus and leave the cussing to Gus" (Gus is our only driver). Trips daily to Rolla, St. Louis, and scenic Kingdom City. DON'T BE UNPOPULAR! LEARN TO DANCE THE NEW STEPHENS COLLEGE STEP Just send your name, address, measurements, and $20 worth of due bills to Arthur Murray's Dunce Book, Read Hall, and in no time you'll be faking your partner out all over the place. Learn our new "mystery step!" Easy to follow diagrams! *Otherwise known as the "Excuse Me" Step. MEDICAL DISCOVERY! New Chloroxematyphillic Anes- thetic Ointment eliminates the pain of pimple popping. Don't be left out! Join the big squeeze and enjoy America's No. 1 indoor sport painlessly! Only $2.98, at cheap drug stores everywhere. IS YOUR WIFE GETTING THE COMPANIONSHIP SHE CRAVES? Are you still the active and en- ergetic man she married? Are you still a tiger in the boudoir? Or are you always too tired when you come home from a day's work? Too worn out to go danc- ing, to visit friends or to please your wife. If these symptoms sound famil- iar, we can help you. Our company, after years of re- search, has developed a wonder- ful new tablet which will give you quick energy in minutes. S-E-X tablets give you a lift when you need it most because S-E-X tablets contain EXPECTO- RATE - the world's most famous tension reliever. Here's how S-E-X tablets work - the active ingredients are pre- pared by a special process that releases the EXPECTORATE in your system almost immediately to give you a quick burst of men- tal and physical stimulation. Your tired feeling vanishes and you feel refreshed, renewed - ready for anything, well practically any- thing. Enclose $5.98 and write to: Dept. 9 15 Mulholland Drive Greenwich Village Stare at this figure . . . relax. you are drowsy, very drowsy . your eyelids are heavy . . . sleep . . . sleep . . . you are my slave . . . you want to learn to hypno- tize your instructors, seduce girls, etc . . . place one dollar in an envelope and send it to 302 Read Hall. in return, you will receive the book, "Hypnotism, Just for the Hell of it". SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 They Made Me Eat My Wife by Pierce Spencer I can't help shivering as I sit here thinking about it. I am shiv- ering because the radiator in my room doesn't work. Maybe if I bang on it the damn landlord will send up some heat. But I must tell you the shock- ing, nauseating story, whether you will believe it or not. I owe it to myself; I owe it to her, and main- ly, I'm not getting paid to write about the landlord. We were flying together in a small plane over the jungles of New Guinea. Unless it was French Guiana. Then again it might have been Funkhouser, Illinois; I don't remember exactly. Anyway, there she was. From her firm, well rounded . . . lips to her shapely . ankles she was all woman. Of course, she was as ugly as hell, but she was all woman. We had been married only three months before. It was a shotgun marriage. Frankly I'd rather have married the shotgun, but that's the way the ax bounces. As we started on our honeymoon, we had been giv- en an enthusiastic sendoff, with pitchforks and rocks. And for three months we were indescrib- ably happy, mainly because she missed the freight train in Axolot- ville and we didn't see each other for three months. About an hour out from Port Moresby (or Cayenne - it all de- pends) we hit rough weather. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Somehow I was sure we'd never make it, but my wife wasn't scared. After all, she said, I was decorated in the Korean War (see Sweat, Vol. 13, No. 15, August 1955 "The Bloody Mess on the Floor was Me") -by Mao-Tse-Tung himself. By the time I had finished rem- iniscing on how we had been re- united - pulling a bank job in Port. Moresby - which, incident- ally, was why we were flying over New Guinea (I think) in the first place - it was clear that we'd have to land and hole up some- place until the storm was over. Suddenly I spotted cultivated fields. I was puzzled - cultivated fields when Ezra Taft Benson had emigrated here five years ago in 1962? Well, like I always say, you learn something every day. I still had to learn how to land the plane we'd stolen. Somehow I made it though - I don't know how, and neither does the editor. About five minutes after we landed, our plane was surrounded by natives. They wore rings in their noses, had long spears, and spoke Papuan with a Brooklyn ac- cent. They gestured to us, and im- mediately I knew they wanted us to come with them. I knew this because one of them was driving a jeep that said "Follow Me" on the back. So we followed them. We realized that we must be nearing a village, because another sign tacked to a Eucalyptus tree said "Welcome to Mopulu, cultural cap- ital of Opala Country." It took a while to get there, however, main- ly because the natives lost their way. I was told later they were all fired. When we finally did get to the village, we were immediately tak- en to what we presumed was the chief's hut, It turned out to be the jail. It was cold and damp. As I looked out at the guards, who were well armed with spears and clubs, I thought for a moment that I should have brought my heater. But on second thought, I realized it wouldn't be enough, and I couldn't have plugged it in any- where anyway. I decided I might as well get some sleep and worry about the whole mess later. I woke up suddenly. Then I made a horrible discovery. My cigarettes were gone. Also my wife. Then I noticed a strange smell. It was like Loeb Hall Tur- key Casserole. While I was pon- dering how Uhler could possibly have gotten down here, one of my guards gestered for me to come with him. In the middle of the village, a group of about twenty natives sur- rounded a fire -from which the odor was coming. They were pas- sing around a container of some foul red liquid, and chanting some religious song. As nearly as I can remember, it started out "Kuul Aid, Kuul Aid, Taists Grait. " Then I saw what was cooking on the fire . . . Guess Who . . . She had been stripped naked (There, now I've used the word you want to see), and stuffed with Peppers, Tomatoes, and Blunder Bread (Helps Cannibals grow 12 ways). And suddenly it dawned on me why I had been brought out here. I was to be their Guest of Honor. I would be forced to eat my own wife! I sickened at the thought. If she tasted as bad as she smelled, I was really in for it. One of the natives offered me part of the leg. I shrunk back - she had had a severe case of ath- lete's foot. Then the natives pointed to me, her, and the fire. His implication was obvious, at least to me. Either I ate the mess that was once my wife, or I would be the next course! I briefly considered calling his bluff, as I would make a pret- ty lousy meal myself, but decided I better not press my luck. I am thankful that I cannot re- member how she tasted - my memory gets worse with every story I write for this magazine - and I also don't remember how I got back to the plane and man- aged to make it to Hollandia. It is useless to protest to the authori- ties in Port Moresby - since my wife has already been eaten the whole thing is an internal affair. I have since married again, this time, fortunately, to a girl who looks like Brigitte Bardot. Tomor- row I leave for Stanleyville. (See next month's action story -WE WERE HELD HOSTAGE BY MOBUTU'S TROOPS) 13 A Guide To by Ean Grayson Men, hunting season is over, but as any rugged, red-blooded man knows, there is nothing more rug- ged and red-blooded than sitting around a roaring fire (which you, of course, built, you quivering mass of biceps, you) reliving the unfor- gettably rugged, red-blooded hours you spent with a duck call in your strong, sinewy hands. That's it - beat your hairy chest and lapse into the nirvana of fond memory; the glory of outdoor living, the smell of woodsmoke and rugged, unwashed bodies; the sounds of icy, rushing waters and anguished screams as the S.O.B. who forgot the church key is clubbed to death and flushed down above-mentioned ice, rushing streams; the ectasy of seeing, liv- ing, feeling, running out of cigar- ettes. . . O, revel, revel! But before you leap to your rugged, steady feet and bound to your gun cabinet on your muscu- lar, trunk-like legs, wipe the froth off your mouth and listen a mo- ment to Uncle Sweat. No need to violate the Missouri Game Laws and risk disbarrment from that fra- ternity of healthy, robust-okay, rugged he-men, who annually for- sake their razor blades and under- arm deodorant for the wilds of the Missouri forests . . . Why not try some hunting right in your own back yard? The wilds of the University of Missouri are a living game reserve for the truly virile sportsman, pro- ducing all sorts of challenging prey. So, happy hunting, men, and as they say in college, "Give 'em hell!" Studentia Jellyhourus A drab, pallid, sickly looking specimen. This bird is rather dif- ficult to distinguish from its sur- roundings, being cleverly camou- flaged in colors of its environ- ment (coffe-spotted khaki through a rather unhealthy green). Its nat- ural habitat is from the M-Bar to Andy's Corner, and all points be- tween. During the month of February it customarily flies south to New Orleans, usually in formations of 6-15 in one covey. Its call fluctu- ates between an unpleasantly nasal "Whadjamakeinhistoryoftheflick" to a low, guttral "Letsgositinthe- carforawhilebaby." Its mating hab- its are virtually unknown though suspected to be constant. Its diet consists of Coca-Cola, cheeseburg- ers, any alcoholic beverage, No-Doz, fingernails, any alcoholic beverage, juicy morsels of scandal, and any alcoholic beverage. It is open sea- son on this specimen all year 'round. Liquorinspectorus Undesirablum This bird has proven to be one of the more popular victims among SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Campus Game Missouri sportsmen, being eagerly hunted from September through June. Its natural habitat is any dark, murky corner in any dark, murky tavern. Its call can be des- cribed as either a sadistic snicker or a fiendish chuckle, sounding something like "lemmeseeyerid- buddy". Plumage is deceivingly nondes- cript, with one brilliant metallic flash of silver cleverly concealed on the underside of its light tan overskin. This bird is carnivorous, feeding largely upon young and tender 18 to 20 year-olds. Warn- ing: This bird is known to be in- herently stupid, it generally trav- els in large packs and is difficult to capture. Campiicopia Laughingstockus Fortunately for the hunter, this bird has the mentality of a mo- ron, and is, therefore, quite easy to shoot or run down with an auto- mobile. It is unfailingly found hid- ing behind a log in any type-1 parking lot. The ultimate extinc- tion of these pests is fervently and universally desired, so there is no penalty or limit imposed. Its call is an unintelligible in- coherent babbling accompanied by wild and uncoordinated gesturing with its heavy, awkward wings. Its plumage is a rather ugly brown, much the hue of three-day old mud. It feeds upon rules and regulations set out for it by the SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Traffic Safety Office. Discourag- ingly enough, this diet is unde- niably healthy, as these birds seem never to die, regardless of age or senility. Alwaysum Cleaningupthemensroomia This specimen's natural (and seemingly only) habitat is Jesse Hall, where it wanders aimlessly about, clutching a dustpan in its generally decrepit, battered wing. Curiously enough, these birds ap- parently do not hatch, but spring full-grown from cobwebby corers or wastecans on the first floor. We regret to say its call cannot be described, as no one can recall ever hearing it make any sound other than a peculiar swishing noise evi- dentally emanating from the wood and straw it carries. Its mating habits seem to be non- existent, reproduction evidently occurring through some highly-de- veloped form of cell-division. These birds are relatively harmless, and the preservation of such some- times-functional feathered friends is half-heartedly endorsed. Please note these pages can be easily clipped for permanent filing in a handbook. With a few min- utes of study, men, you will be able to recognize these birds eas- ily and then continue the chal- lenging sport of hunting all year 'round. Julie Raney Miss Mizzou Ole January seemed considerably warmer when Julie Raney was chosen "Miss Mizzou" for 1961 - and no wonder, the blond Chi Omega could warm anything. Our SHOWME PINUP scouts, who are ever on the alert, finally discov- ered Julie (after she had been chosen Miss Mizzou) and here she is . . . and if we must say so we like her better our way. A shapely (35-23-35) junior in education from New Albany, Ind., Julie makes a fine pinup in anybody's book - or on anybody's wall. A 1960 escapee from Christian College, she favors the poodle cut -(er, ah, so do we, Julie.) In case you don't recognize the photo scenes, they were taken in Andy's, Max's, the Shack and the Den. Remember, patronize our advertisers. By the way, that's ole Max himself getting a token of appreciation from Julie. Photos by George Gardner David Warren Julie makes a fine table orna- ment in any bar. A heck-of-a lot better than beer can ashtrays, eh? CC's loss was our gain-and it looks like a long end sweep for Mizzou. Ballads of Our Time HINK My Hinkson, 'tis of thee, Scene of frivolity, Of thee we sing. We love thy rocks and rills, Thy woods and templed hills, Thy moonlight nights and moon- shine stills, And other things. SHACK (tune: Corey, Corey) There's a green log shack on the campus; That's where my roommate dwells. He spends his time a-washin' In the 3-2 suds 'they sell. Wake up, wake up, dear roommate, What makes you sleep so hard? Jack Matthews is a-comin' He's gonna take your I.D. card! STEIN (tune: Oleanna) Walking up Eighth Avenue With a very prudent gent We passed the Stein This friend of mine Said "Let's imbibe some five per cent." Chorus: Poura mea beera, Poura mea beera, Poura mea, poura mea, poura mea beera. My grades were rapidly declining, Mid-term flunking did I fear, In hot water up to my neck, Suddenly it changed to beer. Chorus. DEN (tune: M.T.A.) Let me tell you of the story of a cat named Homer, A tragedy second to none, He went down to the Den, but they wouldn't let him in, 'Cause he wasn't twenty-one. 20 Did he ever return? No, he never returned, To the place where he was spurned, But he might get tight in the Vil- lage or the Knight, Where his age has never been learned. ANDY'S (Tune: When the Saints Go Marching In) Oh, when those drunks Begin to fall, Oh, when those drunks Begin to fall, I want to be in Andy's Corner, Drinking ethyl alcohol. MAX'S (Tune: The Everglades) She was born and raised around Max's Place The way she drank was a sheer disgrace With a level head this teen-age dame Can drink a full-grown man to shame. (Guzzlin' like a lush down at Max's Place) Where a guy can go, and have no fear But drown his woe in a glass of beer But he better not drink with that dizzy blonde Or he'll still be sober when his money's gone. MO Mule Kicks "Where in hell have I seen you before?" "What part of hell are you from?" 'Tis better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall. "May I have this dance?" "I'm sorry, but I never dance with a child," said she, with an amused smile. "Oh, a thousand pardons," he sad. "I didn't know your condi- tion." Cop: "No parking. You can't loaf here." Voice from the car: "Who's loaf- ing?" A local distillery pays its over- time workers time-and-a-fitth. Me: It says here that in Cali- fornia last year they grew 2,449,- 000 tons of grapes. Him: Well, Drink up man. They are gaining on us. A professor is a man who tells you how to solve the problems of life he became a professor to avoid. Dear Pop: Everything is fine at school. I'm getting lots of sleep and am studying hard. Incidently, I'm en- closing my fraternity bill. Your son, Ignatz Dear Ignatz: Don't buy any more fraternities. Pop. Three medical students were ex- changing their opinions on what each thought was the most impor- tant part of the body. The first said, "The most impor- tant part of the body is the heart, because without it one could not live for long." The second said, "No, the most important part of the body is the brain, because without it one would be a mere vegetable." The third said, "You are both mistaken; the most important part of the body is the navel, for with- out it I would have no place to put the salt when I eat hard-boiled eggs in bed." The old man patted his son's hand reassuredly. "Don't carry on and grieve so, my boy," he said. "I want you to know that my will leaves you everything - my coun- try place, the cars, the yacht, and all my money. You get everything I own." "Thanks, dad. You've always been so good to me. Oh, if there was only something I could do for you to make you a little hap- pier or more comfortable!" The old man boosted himself up on his elbow as the son bent close to be sure he didn't miss a word. "There is one thing you can do for me son," gasped the old man, "Take your foot off the oxygen hose!" And then there was the man who was so accustomed to having things done for him that he went out and married a widow with three children. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 STEIN CLUB Dear Antoine (Antoine will answer any question that you lovelorn or lovelost people got. If you aren't lovelost or lovelorn, write in anyhow - he collects stamps.) Dear Antoine: My husband is extremely jealous and flies into fits ever time I even feed the baby. What harm is there in feeding a baby? The doctor tells me breast feeding is very healthy for him.-Tug-o-war. Dear Tug: Breast feeding may be very healthy for the doc- tor but how about the baby? Dear Antoine: My son is a 313-pound Mongoloid idiot. I am so ashamed I am thinking about putting him in a good school for the deformed. Could you recommend one?-Xerxes. Dear Xerxes: Try the University of Kansas. He'll feel right at home. Dear Antoine: I don't believe in God or heaven or grmma or even Ben-Hur. So there.-Smug. Dear Smug: I suppose you don't believe in girls, football or graduation either. Dear Antoine: I can't stop eating. I eat 18 times a day and weigh about 500 pounds. I find it very difficult to get into my bath tub.-Slim Silhouette. Dear Slim: Stop taking baths. Dear Antoine: I am so forgetful. I forget who I am, where I am. I forget my name and I even forget to watch Huckleberry Hound sometimes.-(This letter was unsigned.) Dear Unsigned: How can I help you? You forgot to mail the letter. Or maybe the mail man forgot to deliver it. Dear Antoine: Ever since Christmas a man has been com- ing down the chimney and getting into bed with me. He claims he is Santa Claus delivering his presents. My problem is: I don't believe in Santa Claus.-Skeptical. Dear Skept: Where's your Christmas spirit? Dear Antoine: I recently retired from a very lucrative po- sition. Now I can't hadly spend a dime without the old lady bitching at me.-D. Eisenhower. Dear D.: Take up some form of recreation, perhaps golf. Dear Antoine: I am so embarassed. When all us college students gather round to shoot the bull, we invariably start talking about The Columns. What are they, the columns, I mean? -Atwitz Ennd. Dear Atwitz: Don't you ever read the newspapers? 22 MO Mule Kicks In the April issue of Esquire, which we were reading because somebody had stolen our latest is- sue .of Playboy, we ran across an article by Malcolm Muggeridge en- titled, America Needs a Punch. Well, we won't complain if he'll buy the beef-steak for our eye. A drunk stared at a homely pas- senger on the bus. Finally he blurted out: "My God, but you're ugly." "I can't help the way I look," answered the woman. The drunk looked at her for a moment and then screamed, "Well, at least you could stay home." A small boy was leading a don- key past the SAE house. The boys attempted to have a little fun with the lad. "Why do you hold on to your brother so tight, sonny?" ' So he won't pledge SAE." Grace: "You gotta hand it to Marvin when it comes to petting." Stella: "What's the matter with him - too lazy?" Where did ybu get that purple stain on the back of your dress?" "Oh, I got my thrill on Blue- berry Hill." One of the freshmen took in a strip-tease this vacation and next day went to an oculist to have his eyes treated. "After I left the show last night," he exclaimed, "my eyes were red and sore and inflammed." The doc looked him over, thought a minute, and then re- marked, "Try blinking your eyes once or twice during the show - you won't miss much." SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 The new dean of the theologi- cal seminary was quite the tyrant. One day a note was found pinned to his door. "Tomorrow will be Thursday, if it's all right with you." Signed, God" The wolf was too poor to buy etchings, so he asked the girl friend to come up and see the handwriting on the wall. Pi Phi: "I said some foolish things to Robert last night." Tri Delt: "Yes?" Pi Phi: "That was one of them." A philosophy major named Ruth Discovered the secret of Truth: First, from Kant take a part, Then Thoreau, then Descartes, Add bourbon, and top with ver- mouth. "If I should attempt to kiss you, what would you do?" "I never meet an emergency until it arises." "But if it should arise?" "I'd meet it face to face." Overheard in the UNION: "Shall we have a friendly game of cards?" "No, let's play bridge." Prof: "A fool can ask more ques- tions than a wise man can answer." Student: "No wonder so many of us flunk our exams." Gas station attendant (pointing to choke lever): You say your car uses too much gas? Know what this is for? Woman (airily): Oh, that! I never use it, so I keep it pulled out to hang my handbag on. "He drove straight to his goal," said the orator. "He looked nei- ther to the right nor to the left, but pressed forward, moved by a definite purpose. Neither friend nor foe could delay him nor turn him from his course. All who crossed his path did so at their own peril. What would you call such a man?" "A damn taxi driver," shouted someone from the audience. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 I was like this one year ago. I decided it was time I started using GLOOPS hair pestorer . . Things were going fine after two months. I was proposed to twice and was offered to do a T. V. commercial for Brylcream... After five months I Looked like this - and was offered a Rock 'n Roll recording contract. I had to turn it down because I couldn't play guitar... Now things are out of hand - my hair won't stop growing - I've lost all my friends, my job, and I'm losing weight because I can't find my mouth - I WANT MY MONEY BACK! YES FRIENDS! YOU TOO CAN HAVE HAIR Become Popular and lose weight. USE GLOOPS HAIR RESTORER TODAY SOLD IN MOST POPULAR STORES ( WHERE WE CAN GET BY WITH IT. ) SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 MO Mule Kicks Mother: "Now remember, dear, if you neck, smoke, and drink, men will call you 'fast'." Daughter: "Yeah, just as fast as they can get to the phone." Frat Man: "Tell me, love, did any of the girls admire your en- gagement ring?" Sorority Girl: "They did more than that. Two of them recognized it." Judge: Officer, what makes you think this gentleman is intoxi- cated? Officer: Well, Judge, I didn't bother him when he staggered down the street or when he fell flat on his face, but when he put a nickel in the mailbox, looked up at the clock on the Presbyterian Church and said, "My God, I've lost 14 pounds!" I brought him in. A Chicago undertaker signs all his mail - "Eventually Yours." A farmer who was suffering from a terrible hangover went out to the barn at 5 a.m. to start the milking and the rest of his chores. Said the first cow, "Brother, you look terrible; the circles under your eyes hang down to your knees." "Yeah, I know it, and I gotta work at these durn chores 'till 7 o'clock tonight." "Well, I'll do all I can to help," volunteered the cow. "You just hang on tight and I'll jump up and down." Joe: "She's like an auto radi- ator." Moe: "How's that?" Joe: "She'll freeze up on you if you don't keep her filled with alcohol." SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 MO Mule Kicks Engineer: "What's that gurgling noise?" Coed: "It's me, trying to swal- low your line." When a fellow takes a girl in his arms to dance these days he soon knows what he's up against. "So you want to be a lifeguard here, eh? How tall are you?" "Six feet, eight inches, sir." "Can you swim?" "No, but I can wade to beat hell." Circus actress: "This is my first job. You better tell me how to keep from making any mistakes." Manager: "Well, girlie, just don't undress in front of the bearded lady." Little Jack Horner Sat in a corner B. O. A bird in the hand isn't worth the risk. A very attractive young lady breezed into the flower shop and searched through the shelves for the flower of her choice. Unable to find it, she turned to the flor- ist, an old man who was trimming a plant in one corner of the shop. "Do you have any passion pop- py?" she asked. "Sure do," he wheezed. "Just wait until I get through pruning this lily." Lifeguard (with girl in his arms): Sir, I have just resuscitated your daughter. Father: Then, by God, you'll marry her! SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 She: "Mother says I can't marry you." He: "Why not?" She: "You're too effeminate." He: "Hell, compared to her I prob- ably am." The best way to drive a baby buggy is to tickle his feet. Two little girls were busily dis- cussing their families. "Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much?" asked one. "I think," said the other little girl, "that she's cramming for her finals." Nudists: People who wear one- button suits. They wanted a formal wedding so they painted the shotgun white. 1st electrician: "Have you any four volt, two watt bulbs?" 2nd electrician: "For what?" 1st: "No, two." 2nd: "Two what?" 1st: "Yes." "Three cheers for home rule!" roared an Irishman after a rous- ing political rally. "Three cheers for hell!" cynically replied a Scotchman. The Irishman looked him up and down. "That's right; every man should stick up for his own coun- try." If all the coeds who don't neck gathered in one room what would we do with her? A young Alabama Marine, after fighting World War II in the Pa- cific jungles, came back to his Alabama plantation with a pet monkey. He found that the mon- key could pick cotton faster than he could, so he went to the local banker and asked for a loan with which he could buy one hundred monkeys and train them to pick cotton at far lower cost than the human hand. "No," said the banker, "It's far too risky. As soon as you got your monkeys trained, those damn Yan- kees would come down here and free them." Fellow to blind date: "I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you before you died?" SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 John Lotas Presentation Hal Holbrook Sweat Visits Mizzou In another of its brilliant col- lege expose's SWEAT visits the University of Mizzery, the educa- tional center of Boone County, Mo. SWEAT, in its usual daring handed, low brow, stinkin' sin cen- ter open with an uncensored pic- torial review. 1. Administrational problems are reviewed with the greatest of care. Here the dean of students discusses setting a legal age for soda pop consumption with a liquor inspec- tor. 2. The AWS fashion show each fall really knocks the new stu- dents dead. 3. The friendly Missouri Store help the students. 4. The critical campus parking problem also offer new social op- portunities. 5. Popular student musical pro- grams are directed under the ba- ton of friendly Maul Pontmureau. 6. The increasing number of stu- dents has brought about a need for co-ed dorms. 7. The alert campus police care- fully guarded the Phi Sig house from vandalism recently when its pipes burst. 8. Each year more and more Ag students in college are getting mar- ried. 9. The Greek Ball is the social highlight of the school year. Ernie's Steak House Jim's Paint Palette Miller's How To Have A Winning Basketbal Team By Jim Morris 1. Procure a nationally renowned coach with a good record. Coach: Spooky Starkup Record: 1 tie, 200 losses Cost: $1 000 profit - Jackson high school paid Mizzou to take him. 2. Offer adequate scholarships. Mizzou will buy the books of any athlete who can maintain a 3.75 grade av- erage and who comes from a family with income of less than $3,000 per year. 3. Recruit the best and tallest high school players in the nation. "You say he's 5'6"' tall and uses a crutch? Fine, we'll take him." 4. Use up to date coaching methods. "Dammit Gunner! I told you we don't fast break while I'm coach." Mo Mule Kicks She: "Can I have a match?" He: "Here's a cigarette lighter." She: "Don't be silly, I can't pick my teeth with a cigarette lighter." "Where ya from?" "Columbia, Missouri." "One of those jerk towns where everybody goes out to meet the train?" "Train?" Prejudice is a great time saver. It enables you to form opinions without having to get the facts. We see where a new edition of Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter is com- ing out under the title, How Hes- ter Won Her A. After watching a drunk try to unlock the door to his house with- out success, a policeman went over and asked if he might handle the key for him. "No thanksh," the drunk an- swered. "I gotta good hold on dis key. You try an' grab the housh." An up-and-coming South Ameri- can government decided to get new uniforms. The official tailor was called in and shown the design. It included blue trousers, red boots, a green jacket, and gold epaulets. "Is this the uniform for the President's palace guard?" inquir- ed the tailor. "No," said the officer, "it's for the Secret Police." Epitaph on old maid's tomb: "Who says you can't take it with you?" If all the freshmen in the world were placed in a line holding hands, they would reach more than halfway across the ocean. A lot of people are in favor of this. The dean of the law school was very busy and rather cross. The telephone rang. "Well, what is it?" he snapped. "Is this the city gas works?" said a woman's soft voice. "No madam," roared the Dean. "This is the University Law De- partment." "Ah, I didn't miss it so far af- ter all, did I?" Three Frenchmen, while prac- ticing their English, got around to discussing the wife of a friend who was childless. "She is unbearable," said one. "No, that's the wrong word. She is inconceivable," said the second. "No, no, you're both wrong," said the third. "What you mean is she is impregnable." "Hey, fellah, you want to pull down the shades when you kiss your wife. I saw you last night." "The joke's on you; I wasn't home last night." A glow-worm with tendencies coarse, Used to tell lewd jokes until hoarse, But he kept up his vice, By the clever device, Of learning to blink in Morse. "I shore wish I had my wife back," sighed the man from the Ozarks. "Where is she?" asked a friend. "Sold her for a jug of mountain dew." "I reckon you're beginning to miss her." "Nope. I'm thirsty again." Then there was the boy who took his girl friend out in the fog and mist. She: That girl's a virtuoso. He: Don't be silly, she's been mar- ried twice. SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 The difference between a North- ern girl and a Southern girl is that the Northern girl says, "You can," while the Southern bell says. "You all can." Help raise the devil while you live. You will meet him soon after you die and those who are ac- quainted with him will get the best shovels. Old blondes never fade. They just die away. He drank with lovely Mable, The pace was fast and furious: He crept beneath the table- He wasn't drunk, just curious. "Where does virgin wool come from?" "From sheep that can run the fastest." "Aren't you getting tired of this bachelor life all the time, Bill?" asked his friend Jack. "Certainly not," replied Bill. "what was good enough for my father is good enough for me." The latest Martian gag going around is concerned with the man from Mars who landed in Las Ve- gas and said, "Take me to the cleaners." Are you sure this motel is Uni- versity approved? Then there was the young mah who started on a shoe-string and worked his way up until he got slapped. Bill: "I'm knee deep in love with you." Jean: "I'll put you on my wad- ing list." They're coming out with a new type tranquilizer. It doesn't relax you. It just makes you enjoy feel- ing tense. A wolf pulled into a local Lov- ers' Lane one night and gunned his gas pedal. His motor started to knock, as he'd known it would. "I wonder what that knock can be?" he remarked to the sweet young thing at his side. "I'll tell you what it isn't," she answered demurely. "It isn't op- portunity." SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 HATHMAN HOUSE Ronnie's Fashion Beauty Salons MO Mule Kicks A pregnant woman went to see a doctor and the doctor asked her if she had a husband. The woman replied that she didn't. Then the doctor asked her if she had a boy- friend and she said no. So the doctor said excuse me while I open the blinds, the last time this happened a star rose in the East and I don't want to miss it. A woman stopped in a store that had a sale on doggy bras and she asked the clerk what they were. The clerk replied that a doggy bra was one that made pointers out of setters. The funny thing about foreign cars is that the people who can afford them usually can't fit into them. Her mind was like a bachelor's bed - never made up. A lobbyist who was opposing any large appropriation for a state college approached a legislator who boasted of his self-education. "Do you realize," asked the port- ly lobbyist gravely, "that up at the state college men and women stu- dents have to use the same curricu- lum? The legislator looked startled. "And the boys and girls often matriculate together." "No!" exclaimed the lawmaker. The lobbyist came closer and whispered, "And a young lady stu- dent can be forced at any time to show a male professor her thesis?" The legislator shrank back in horror. "I won't vote 'em a damn cent!" "My son doesn't drink, swear or smoke." "And does he make his own dresses?" SHOWME, FEBRUARY, 1961 Breisch's Boone County National Bank Savitar Sales Representative MIZZOU GOODIES BY JIM MORRIS BB-1 STEPHENS SPECIAL WEAR THIS ALL-IN-ONE PANTY-HOSE AND WONDER; "HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS FROM STEPHENS?" SIZES: LONG, LONGER $6.98 BLACK ONLY. AA-1 PLEDGE THIS FOAM RUBBER PADDED BRA TAKES OVER WHERE NATURE LEFT OFF EXCELLENT FOR SHAPING UP PLEDGES. 3Z-36A BLACK OR WHITE $5.00 CK-3 RING-A-DING-DING WHEN YOUR BOY FRIEND SEES YOU IN THIS HE WILL. BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY; "I'M SORRY I TOOK SO LONG DRESSING, BUT I HAD TO SLOW DOWN GOING AROUND THE CURVES." SIZES 5, M, L, IN BLACK OR RED. $8.95 A-2 SPRING BREAK GO WHERE THE BOYS ARE IN THIS THIS IS ITSY BITSY TEENY YOU. WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI. WHEN YOU TAKE THIS OFF HE WON'T CARE WHERE THE YELLOW WENT. SIZES 32-38 $4.98 B-3 BARE THERE ITS NATURAL . ITS THE LIVING END. GRAND FOR SHEATHS AND HINKING. WHITE. SIZES 22 TO 30 INCH WAIST. $9.98 S-1 SORORITY SUE THIS IS A MUST FOR THAT TRULY NAUGHTY FEELING. CLOUD SHEER NYLON. DISPLAY YOUR SORORITY NAME WHERE YOUR BOY FRIEND CAN MORE FULLY SEE AND APPRECIATE IT. MATCHING PANTIES IN BLACK OR RED. S, M, L. 45.98 AA-3 SOUTIEN GORGE YOUR OWN SWEET CURVES TILTED HIGH IN FRENCH HALF BRA. FOR KAY, LINDA & JOAN YOU ONLY NEED SUPPORT, NOT HELP! 38-42D BLACK ONLY. $3.98 Due to the desire to please a certain college-type chick, I recently launched into a physique-constructing type pro- gram, barbells, etc. However ... Then, one day, it hit me - like I recoiled and recalled a much easier way to achieve the end. I split the pad for that ecstatic rehabilitation center, commonly called the M-store. I immediately purchased a large-type sweat-shirt displaying the college letter (M). Not only did the oversized shirt re- leave that self-conscious complex I had begun to acquire, but also, the letter satisfied a child-hood frustration I once had when I was declared ineligible for the fourth grade billiard letter. My next purchase was a dietary aid for increasing my weight while safely hiding in the new-found security of my sweat-shirt. After all, I'd have to come out of the shirt some day. In further preparation, I selected a few heavy-reading type pieces of literature to carry around. Among them were The ABC's of Flower Arranging, The Best of Punch and a bound volume of Showme 1951. Not only is the literature heavy, but the volumes themselves weigh several pounds. As I crossed the campi, I immediately noticed that the chicks were immediately noticing me. Thanks to the M- store I am no longer a 98 pound weakling-type, I am a 98 pound weakling-type-in-disguise. The Missouri Store Salem