Missouri Showme March, 1949 Missouri Showme March, 1949 2008 1949/03 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194903

Missouri Showme March, 1949; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1949

All blank pages have been eliminated.
Missouri Showme March 1949 25 cents Queen Issue Camel Cigarettes Harzfeld's Plaza Letters to Showme University of Missouri Showme, Frederick Apt. 109 F Columbia, Mo., U.S.A. . . . would you be interested in some poems? Any length-limit or style? Do you pay? T. Hyamon Walberton House, Near Arundel, Sussex, England The above postal card is probably one of the most distant offers of help we've received. However, we're won- dering if its author has read our mag- azine closely, and if he thinks Eng- lish style or humor would go over here in the midwest? We chatted with the Oxford debating team for a few minutes last year, and our con- clusion was that no matter how well done the English piece might be, it just wouldn't be appreciated. Ed. . . who's Swami? Very truly yours, Tom Hollingshead Swami is a rather nebulous char- acter who's particularly proud that he's thus far defied description. We don't want to hurt his pride, so we won't try. But we can say that when you see Swami cavorting about, play- ing tricks, laughing heartily, and gen- erally raising holy ned, you'll know that you're going to get a kick out of the coming issue. But if he's grouchy and irritable, save your money-it won't be worth a hoot. Ed. . . .would appreciate it very much if you would send me a copy of your recent publication, in which you hive an article on beer consumption in Columbia. Sincerely, Falstaff Brewing Company. S. . I'm a recent graduate . . . and wish to keep up with the nefarious activities of some of my erstwhile colleagues Hence, I would like to subscribe to your brazen scandal sheet since you're the only ones with brass enough to print anything about them. Yours very promptly, Dallas E. Nelson. . . .for our tastes, which, certain- ly must differ from those in other sections . . . the better brand of col- lege humor comes from the East, for the most part. Make-up of the Missouri Showme, for that matter, is much the same as that used by the Cornell Widow, Princeton Tiger, Columbia Jester . . . originality is often hard to define . . . Showme we feel has shown a great upsurge in quality and interest in the past two years. Our compli- ments on its being one of the major exceptions in "mid-west humor." Sincerely, Alan Brown Editor-in-Chief Cornell Widow Far be it from us, out hyar in this gol-danged midwest, to start a feud, but-we feel rather strongly that the first sentence in the second paragraph should read the other way in a great many instances. Sort of like knowing which chicken came before which egg. Ed. . . . would you send us two copies of the Showme that came out just before Christmas. The cartoon on the center spread had a figure with a tag on his shoes marked "Threadneedle." . . . Thanks for the nice plug you gave our shoes. Sincerely yours, Boyd-Richardson Clothing Co. Moon Valley Villa I'll take the Queen in the new gown from JULIE'S 3 The Stable As far as we know, this is the first time that Showme's had a full- color photograph for a cover. We'd been talking about one for several months, but we decided to wait for the Queen Issue and a good subject. John Trimble clicked the shutter, and then the picture was rushed to St. Louis for developing. When it was ready, our printer in Jefferson City made a special trip to pick it up. An- other bit of rushing, and it was being processed further in the capital city. And finally it was ready for the presses. All this rushing because we gen- erally have our covers in the printer's hands two to three weeks before an issue is out. This month, however, the Queen Contest date whacked a healthy chunk from our cover dead- line. Showme Salesgirls Phil Agee, Alpha Phi Freddy Parker, Kappa Alpha Theta Hilda Baskind, Alpha Epsilon Phi Dorothy Carl, Alpha Chi Omega Arlene Brattler, Chi Omega Dorothy Dubach, Delta Gamma Peggy Shrader, Gamma Phi Beta Corinne Sartorius, Zeta Tau Alpha Sales and Promotion Staff Dave Fairfield Al Ebner Walter Cliffe Homer Ball Roger Bell Bob Murray Christian College Representative Kit McKartney STAFF editor-in-Chief Richard R. Sanders Assostant Editor Bill Gabriel, Jr. Business Manager Phil Sparano Ass't Bus. Mgr. William Herr advertising Director John Trimble Photo Editor Sinclair Rogers Feature Editor Frank Lambie Joke Editor Don Dunn Promotion Manager Willianm McCarter Publicity Director Pete Mayer Art Staff Pat Bauman Nick Bova Jack Eyler Ron Galloway Terry Rees Alan Sherman Tom Thompson Glenn Troelstrup Tom Ware Photo Staff Jack Organ Bob Zeitinger Advertising Staff Chris Chilcue Don Garber Dude Haley Jim Higgins Jim Stokman Features Saul Gellerman Jerry Litner Fred Shapiro Jerry Smith Missouri Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Queen Issue Dear Reader: A regal welcome to Swami's Royal Court, and a majestic 'thanks' for your enthusiasm and co-operation with our Queen Contest. Swami also extends a sincere 'thank you' to Mr. Otis Kelly of the Sheraton Hotel in St. Louis, and to artist Armin Stock for their very big parts in making our contest worthwhile. More than 2500 ballots were cast, and after spending an afternoon and evening counting and re-counting, we're seriously considering voting machines for next year's contest. Miss Mary Jo Littlefield, president of A.W.S. dropped in to watch us as we tallied the votes--and ended with pencil and paper in her hands, counting with the rest of us. And. Oh, yes--Mae West received two write- in votes and Prexy 'Fred' Middlebush one. Next month we'll be seasonal again.with the "Party Issue." Sincerely, Richard R. Sanders Volume XXVI March, 1949 Number 7 Published monthly during the school year by students of the University of Missouri. Printed by Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo., Anton Hiesberger, owner. All copyrights reserved. Contributions from the students of the University welcomed, but the editors cannot assume responsibility for unsolicited material. Address con- tributions to Missouri SHOWME, Jay H. Neff Hall, University of Missouri, Columbia, Mo. Subscription rates: $2.00 in Columbia for nine issues during the school year, $2.50 by mail. Single issues, 25 cents. 5 QUEENS, by thousands, rule all things From Cheesecake to Birds-eye Frozen Soon, it seems, they'll all be queens And commoners will be chosen. 6 Around the Columns Overheard "Don't worry, honey. You know I'm too lazy to get mad." March Unpredictable . . . vexing omminously roaring one day . . gently bleating the next . . winter- time's anticipation 'round the corner . . gusty breezes . . . balmy breezes c'mon 'n cu' th' s'afternoon . . nah, better wait . . . better days comin' . . . restlessness . . . disturb- ing cravings . developing wander- lust . . . March . . . Kelly Green and four-leaf clovers . . . and Engineers . . . St. Pat on the scene . . . classes . . . mid-terms, too . . . how 'bout a show tonight . . nope, goin' to work hard now . . . goin' to coast thru April 'n May . . . March . . . ordinary sort of month . . first beer- bust if we're lucky . . . last snowball fight if we're not . . . best day the 21st . . vernal equinox says it'll be spring . . . wonder if the weather- man'll agree. The Wearin' of the Green A glance at the calendar reminded us that the 17th is St. Patrick's Day, and a minute's contemplating showed that all we knew about this some- what mythical personage was his na- tionality and herpetological leanings. So we decided to find out more. A little investigation assured us that St. Pat was a very real person, but that he was probably Scotch and not Irish-at least by birth. Most ' his- torians disagree as to the exact spot, but they know it was somewhere in what is now Scotland about 389. When he was sixteen, a band of mar- auding Irishmen captured him and took him to Ireland. He spent six years there, tending sheep and per- forming a variety of tasks, depend- ing on whose account you're reading. During this time he was becoming deeply religious. He finally escaped, and made his way to and through France. After spending a few years on the Mediterranean, he returned to Scotland. Once home, he was con- vinced that his life's work should be as a missionary in Ireland. Accord- ingly, he went to Auxerre in Gaul and became a bishop. After fourteen years in Gaul, he had his wish and was sent to Ireland. In Ireland, he engaged in tireless and successful conflict with the power- ful pagan Druids. Before he resigned -possibly because of cirticism-he had established 360 churches and per- sonally baptized more than 12,000 persons. He probably spent the last years of his life in Saul in Dalardia, where he died in 461. Campus Queens With the recent deluge of queens, we got to wondering how many girls are so favored during the course of a year. We soon learned that there's no official tabulation, so we compiled our own unofficial list. Now that the Student is sponsoring a queen, the three major campus pub- lications are members of the queen producers guild. Four University schools-Journalism,, B & P.A., Engi- neering, Agriculture-are on the roster. The Ags have a hand in two contests-Barnwarmin' and Farmers' Fair-and thereby probably can be judged the most prolific. The M-Men and the ROTC sponsor queens, along with the IMA and the Inter-fraternity Pledge Council. Then there's the March of Dimes Queen and the Rose of Sigma Delta Pi-and of course, Homecoming. Four social fraternities are on the bandwagon, too. We've probably missed a few along the line -but then, a memory is just so long. The Old Order Changeth Personally, we were happy to see the University do away with giving extra credit-hours for S and E work. We never had been able to figure out our total hours, what with having to add .1 of an hour here, .3 of an hour there, .2 of an hour someplace else, and not knowing what they applied for. And, what's more, we'd never been able to find anyone who was any less confused than we. So, now all our difficulties have been removed. All we have to do is total up the number of hours we're taking, and we'll know how many credits we have. And when we make our straight E average, and the Uni- versity informs us that we may enroll for 19 hours the next semester-well, we'll just say, "No. No, thanks a lot, just the same. But no thanks." 7 Just a Warning, Girls Some time ago, we read an article in a Sunday paper whose name we don't remember about a certain African tribe whose name we don't remember. We do remember the crux of the piece, though, since it pertained to women and civilization. Accord- ing to the article, the British, under whose rule this particular portion of Africa falls, are much elated over the progress the tribe is making in becom- ing civilized. Until recently, this tribe, isolated from the outer world by geographic conditions had been liv- ing much as they did when Cleopatra and Mark Anthony were cavorting on the Nile. Due to a peculiar biological factor, the women greatly outnumber the men. This has brought about an elab- orate practice of polygamy. It is not uncommon for one man, after acquiring sufficient wealth in cattle, to have more than forty wives. Of course, this presents problems and makes rigid discipline an absolute necessity. For a minor offense, a wife is merely moved down a peg in seniority. How- ever, wives being a penny a dozen and the men not exactly the patient type, when one really gets out of hand or casts flirtive glances at neighbor Oogog's son, she is promptly buried alive. The cause for the British elation is word from the last safari out of the territory that the tribe has stop- ped burying its wayward wives, and is beating them instead. Which makes us think of many girls we know who don't know when they're well off. Average American???? We don't like to give the impres- sion that sparkling beverages are fore- most in our minds, but we ran across a short item in the Kansas City Star that we just couldn't pass up. The eye-catching headline was, "Average American Gets Drunk On 6 Ounces of Bonded Whisky." (We thought an 'e' was missing from the word, but consultation once more with Mr. Webster showed that 'e'-less whisky is preferred.) The article concerned the "drunk- o-meter' which some 28 states are now accepting as competent court evi- dence. According to this information, it's useless for a person to try to con- vince the judge he's only had two bottles of beer if the 'drunk-o-meter' shows as much as .15 of 1 per cent of alcohol in his blood. Science says that if the meter reaches that figure or above, the person in question has con- sumed at least six ounces of bonded whisky or six 12-ounce bottles of beer. As far as we know, Columbia is still without this ingenious device. However, its possible use here has brought some questions to our mind. The established figures are for average Americans. The average college stu- dent obviously isn't an average Ameri- can. There's a 50-50 chance that the average M.U. student isn't just an average Amercian college student. Ergo, we're wondering if certain al- lowances and corrections won't have to be made before this gadget's find- ings will hold water-or alcohol- here in Columbia. Composite Beauty Our attention recently was called to a picture of a rather hideous creature which carried the caption, "Artist's idea of the appearance of the most beautiful woman in the world. . ." For his model, the artist had taken the "ten most beautiful features in the world" (belonging to ten different living females), as chosen by the Artists' League of America. The dis- assembled parts ran like this: Forehead, Duchess of Windsor; eyes, Princess Margaret Rose; ears, Mar- garet Truman; cheeck bones, Jane Russell (all artists are far-sighted); nose, Mme. Chiang; lips, Rita Hay- worth; chin, Candy Jones; shoulders, Margaret Phelan; thighs, Esther Wil- Pop Mizzou liams; and legs, Linda Darnell. Assembled, these limbs, etc., gave the impression of Boris Karloff peer- ing over a slightly mis-shapen and definitely neglected female torso. The Awakening We thought the recent poll on the Negro question was encouraging. As far as we know, it's the largest stu- dent participation in anything but spectator sports in recent years. And it's heartening to see the campus rouse itself from its generall apathy when a question is significant and reaches beyond an average college day. May- be this will suggest that support is here-when the cause merits. The results, themselves, were en- couraging, too. For if the some four thousand who voted for the Curators' proposal are sincere in their professed convictions and intend to act accord- ingly, this campus is much more ma- ture than certain past actions have seemed to indicate. The Hat's the Thing Maybe it's an inevitable trend of the times, but the Missouri campus is being speckled with an interesting as- sortment of men's slick chapeaux. The greatest concentration seems to be on western side of the red campus, some- where between Francis Quadrangle and the old chemistry building. The most prevalant is the wide-brimmed, wide- ribboned, south St. Louis variety-the kind you wear when you push bedridden grandma down the back stairs, ala Richard Widmark. Next in line appears to be the narrow-brimmed narrow ribboned western style, a sort of Randolph Scott Sunday-go-to-meet- ing affair. And then there are a few plain fedoras, which, worn with a blue pin-stripe and pigskin gloves, makes a man fittin' fer the best of buryin's. The ironical twist of the situation comes with a day of rain or snow. Then the prized lids disappear; not a one will be seen. "It'd ruin them if they got wet," say their owners. Well, that may be. But we see it this way. A hat is made to cover the head to keep out the rain, the snow, the sleet, the cold-or have we missed the point? 'Naw! Just another babe campaigning for Queen.' On the Steps of Jesse We've wondered if you've noticed how peacefully students are sleeping in Jesse Hall, now that the old place's been fire-proofed. No longer do they toss fitfully, keeping a wether- eye open for a tell-tale whisp of smoke. Seriously, we were glad to sec Mt. Olympus stir itself on our behalf. But we've often wished we could have peeked behind the scenes and seen just what it was that brought this fever of activity at this particular time. After all, the building's been stand- ing there for 51 years, and nary a scroched floor-board have we seen. lloyds still would have given pretty good odds that the building wouldn't have been the scene of a tragic con- flagration, if the removal of seats had been delayed a week. So we're wondering why the gods couldn't have held back their judgment until after Frolic-time. Who knows-may- be a week of heavenly second-gear could have meant continued inde- pendence for the Savitar. Dear John We wouldn't have believed it if we hadn't seen it with our own eyes- but the following is a note that was waiting for a friend of ours when he went to pick up his date the other night: "I'm very sorry I couldn't go out with you tonight but I acquired some unexpected visitors from out of town and I had to go out with them. "I'm not standing you up, please call me and I can explain more when I talk to you." 9 CANDIDLY MIZZOU Rain of Queens BALLERINA DANCE from the 1949 Savitar Frolics is an artful reason for prolonging the annual show as an institution. Six skits ran the continuum from slapstick to satire and provoked generally favorable comment from attending non-Thespians. 10 GEORGE MILLER When Fran Ellinor froze in this pose, the only noises from "bald-headed row" were the cracklings from high, starched collars. A small clue to get-rich-quick hopefuls: Get the Frolics popcorn concession. HOT SHOTS from the Frolics portray the prizewinners in each division. For the girls (AEPhi), it was the third straight win, and for the boys (ATO), the second victory in a row. Winners poked no fun at University administration, but fearless runners- GEORGE MILLER up gamboled uninhibitedly on their annual orgy of satire. As always, there was vast displeasure at the decisions of the judges. The sorority choice, however, had very fine audience reception. IN THE SPRING a young man's fancy frequently may be found picnicking with her young man out Hinkson way. There's a 'bobolink" brook, the bright green verdure of the season, the languor of a Saturday afternoon, a case of cold beer, sandy K. K. NEVAR-SHOWME wastes of beach for that exotic touch, and, from the portable radio, Spike Jones music from ole KFRU. When the clean, cool, chlorophyll-ed air incites a sharp, hungry feeling, rig up the barbecue. II SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME POSTER POSE shows a maneuver that (beautifully) fit the queen theme. One candidate's qualifications were broadcast from a gliding airplane. Frequently asked was, "Which one is the candidate?" BUD FRANCIS WEEMS BEAMS on deluscious Sally Cutler, choice of dance- assembled pledges in Rothwell Gymnasium. When Sally beamed right back, Maestro Ted and his boys played "Heart- aches" twice. JOHN TRIMBLE & MGM JACK O' HEARTS Gus Giordano captured the favorable atten- tion of campus distaff. When somebody wanted to know if the photo was a pastep, he said, "Lana and I are great buddies." 12 JIM SWETNAM SCOOP QUEEN Carol Clayton eluded the press of Journalism School to prove she too is the right type. A natural-born queen plus a Mott-inspired articulateness equals enough "Glo- Coat" for any copy desk. Candidly Mizzou Photo of the Month QUEEN SPLEEN is a good term for the reaction which has over- taken one-time Home Coming Queen Sabra Tull; or, Do girls actually get tired of forever being considered "objets d'art?" Sabra walks and she talks--and she balks: at the eternal, SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME wanton display of devotion by Venus addicts. Any and all petitions demanding that the lady reconsider should be ad- dressed to Swami of Showme. The old boy has been looking for an excuse to go a-calling anyhow. 13 Professor Thump and the Passionate Mannequin by Jerry Smith The professor thought he was dreaming . or was he? PROFESSOR Thump weaved his unsteady way down the narrow alley. It was Friday and Professor Thump was in his usual Friday night, post- midnight condition. It had been his practice, for the eight years that he had been a professor to drop into a local bar, as soon as Friday classes were over, and proceed to get glori- ously plastered. After this was done he would leave the bar and sneak, if it was at all possible, down the alley to his residence. Thump had found that the more liquor he consumed, the less his visual powers would function. He had con- sumed an exceptionally large amount this night. It was rather a weak barrier that. had been constructed around the freight chute, but, in Thump's con- dition, it didn't make any difference. He stumbled through it and fell twenty feet onto a large pile of dis- carded wrapping paper. He wasn't hurt, but the shock revived him some- what from his stupor. He found himself in what was evi- dently a storeroom. It was impossible for him to climb out of the chute, even had his condition been better. So, he stumbled around the room blindly for a few minutes, falling over and into large boxes. Finally he found a doorway and a flight of stairs. It was quite dark and he mounted the stairs one at a time on his hands and knees. He discovered that he had fallen into the storeroom of The Spar- tan Department Store. The signs on the walls proclaimed this in bold let- ters. Professor Thump peered at them for a few moments through the semi- darkness and then proceeded to stum- blem around the store looking for an exit. In the course of his search he found himself in one of the display win- dows. The window was covered with paper and the display was, as yet, un- finished. After satisfying himself that there were no exits there, he stepped unsteadily out of the window and came face to face with a naked woman. Thump fell backwards into the show window. This shock cleared his head even more. He lay there staring at the woman and she stood there looking at him. "I beg your pardon," said Thump. "I was merely looking for an exit. If you will be so kind as to show me one, I will only too gladly leave." The woman didn't say a word. She was quite naked, there was no doubt of that. She didn't have a stitch of clothing on. "I'm really sorr- ," Thump started. Then he noticed something. The woman was standing with one arm held over her head and she only had one foot on the ground. Thump decided that no one could stand long in such a position. He got off the floor and moved toward the woman. He discovered that it wasn't a woman at all-it was a mannequin. He breathed a sigh of relief and leaned unsteadily against a show case. He considered the mannequin for a while and decided that she had a lovely body. It looked so fresh and smooth. He was fascinated. He moved closer and rubbed his hand on the mannequin's stomach. "Oooh, that's nice,' said the man- nequin. Professor Thump cleared the near- est showcase by two feet. He landed on all fours and remained in that crouched posit:on for a long time. He listened carefully, expecting any mo- ment to hear the voice again. His arms and legs began to cramp after a while and he decided that he must have been hearing things; it was im- possible that a mannequin could talk. Slowly he raised himself and peered over the showcase. "That was quite a jump," said the mannequin. "You must be on the track team." Thump sank weakly to the floor, his face deathly pale. "How are you on the pole vault?" Thump looked up. The mannequin was leaning over the showcase, smil- ing at him. He moaned and buried his face in his hands. "My goodness, you're sick." He heard a slight thump beside him. Peeking between his fingers he saw the mannequin standing nearby. He leaped up and backed away from her. "Keep away from me," he said. Illustrated by Tom Ware "Well, what's got into you?" She stepped toward him. "Keep away, I said, keep away." "Well, I must say, for a guy that just felt my stomach a few minutes ago, you're acting awfully queer." "I didn't feel your stomach." "You did so. It was nice, too." "Was it?" "Uh huh." She stepped toward him again. "Keep away now." "Why?" "Why?" "Yes, why." Thump couldn't think of a reason. "Who are you?" "Let me whisper in your ear and I'll tell," she smiled and winked at him. "Well- ," he was tempted. She stepped toward him. "Never mind." She sat down on a shelf and pouted. "Honest to goodness, the men you find around these days." She looked de- jected. Thump was impressed-he had felt that way, too. "Are---are you the mannequin?" he asked timidly. "Certainly. You think I'm Godiva?" "No, no-NO, you can't be the mannequin. It's impossible." "Oh yeah." She reached over with her right arm, pulled her left arm out of the shoulder and waved it at Thump. He was horrified. "Would you like to see me take my head off?" "No please, that's quite enough." He felt extremely weak. "I can do other things too," she said slyly and winked again. She got up off the shelf and started for Thump. He backed away, tripped over a small box, and fell to the floor with a resounding crash. When he came to, he was still lying on the floor but his head was resting in what seemed to be a soft, per- fumed pillow. He looked up into the face of the mannequin. She was stroking his face with one delicate hand. It was soothing. Suddenly Thump was no longer afraid of her. "Goodness, I didn't think you were ever coming to." "That was quite a fall," Thump ad- mitted. "Your hands are soft." "I'm soft all over. Would you like to see." "No, no thanks." "You felt my stomach before but, now when I want you to, you won't do it." She was pouting again. "I did not feel your stomach." "You did too." "I was merely feeling the texture of the material. I've always been in- terested in materials." (continuted on page 20 ) "You say you have an inferiority complex. . .?" 15 Parading delegates exploited convertibles ahead of season. Gals' pals "persuaded" unalers boys to vote for their girl Enough people went to the polls to man the battleship Missouri. The Queen Story THE queen and her two attendants, chaperoned by Miss Mary Ruth Gilman, as- sistant housemother at Women's Residence Hall, move into the Presidential Suite at the Hotel Sheraton in St. Louis this week-end. A likeness of the queen will be made by portrait painter Armin Stock. There will be orchids from F. J. Plotz, a tour of St. Louis in a '49 Chevrolet, a party by the St. Louis Alumni Association, theater tickets, an ap- pearance at the Fox Theater, and a convert- ible caravan to and from St. Louis. The queen was chosen from thirteen con- testants in an all-student election in which 2552 votes were cast, presumably an M. U. record. The Queen: PAT WATKINS She's A Petite Blonde And A 'Sweat Sock' PAT WATKINS says she was "over- whelmed . . . numb," when she learned she was Showme Queen. This is merely her be- coming modesty. The 5' 3", chameleon- eyed, "dishwater" (her own word) blonde is taking her victory quite unaffectedly. Pat calls herself a "sweat sock." She is a Phys. Ed. major, and unexplainably self-conscious about it. She is a cute and slim petite, but neither fragile nor dumb. The queen weighed in at 6 lbs., 3 oz. at 3 p. m. on June 21, 1927. For eight or nine years she merely grew out of clothes. Then predatory "girl scouts" took note of her. Her Saturday afternoons became high- lighted with horse opera dates. She asked for guns for Christmas, hated dolls, got little boxes of candy from little boys on Valentine's Day. Summers were spent at camp. She's active now in badminton, basketball, softball, ten- nis, and volleyball. She is Gamma Phi Beta "Give me long skirts, and boys who call up early in the week" Queen was cute at four. The Queen: Pat Watkins intramural chairman, and a member of the W. A. A. Credit for clinching Showme Queen title she gives to campaign manager Betty Ann Ward. Other factors are the slightly snubbed nose; the warm, resonant voice; and the fetchingly delineated 107 pounds. Pat likes the short hair-do and the long skirt: "It's smoother and slicker than to see a lot of knee showing"; advises other M. U. girls, re men, "to be friendly-strike that out-kind of keep cool and choose wise- ly. Don't get carried away." She thinks M. U. men are "awfully belligerent. If they ask Thursday for a Saturday date and get a 'no,' they won't try again. None of them will call on Monday. . But I think they're awfully nice-awfully nice." She likes Buicks, but will take a Ford; dates four nights a week, and jellies in the afternoon. Pat's crowning virtue is the top time she ever keeps a date waiting: ten minutes. Her present problem: "Whatever will I do on the stage of the Fox Theater?' A big gun in athleiics. Little girl on campus. BETTY RUTH ROBINSON, affection- ately known as "Scrubbie," weathers that enigma of an agnomen and cracks the whip over Alpha Gamma Delta. Under brownette hair, hazel-eyed Scrubbie measures 5' 3 1/2" and breadths 34, 23, 34 ("Maybe 34 1/2"). Her prime interest is "dating-no, no, no . . decorating for dances, skits, things like that." Other leanings: swimming, ping pong, horseback riding, Art Committee, and Carousel, Read Hall's night club season. These Two Are Attendants To Queen Pat SAURINE LOTMAN is a theater- bound beauty who made KEA, sophomore honorary for activities and grades. The blue-eyed, light brunette is in Arts and Science School marjoring in drama and speech. She intends to take her 5' 3"- 110-34-25-34 into "resident theater work." Right now she is kept busy being Student Council junior representative for AEPhi, and secretary of A.W.S. careers conference. When she isn't leading cheers, she's a fervid Tiger Claw. Favorite fun: "I love to bask in the sun." Professor Thump . (continued from page 15 ) "Oh, you don't like me." She be- gan to sob. Thump was touched. "Please don't cry. I do like you." She stopped crying. Bending down she kissed him violently. Thump was breathless. "I feel better now," She whis- pered. "That's good." "No, I mean my skin feels better. Feel it." "Oh no, no, I couldn't do that." "Oh foo. All these years I've been in this store, standing around naked while different men put their rough old hands all over me and when some- body comes along with soft hands that I like, he won't even touch me when I ask him." She began to sob again. "Oh, all right. I'll do it." The idea hadn't been too distasteful to him. She had such a beautifully formed body. "Goody." She smiled at him. "Give me your hand." She took his hand and put it on her skin. "Not there," he shouted. "Why?" "Why? Why? Because it-- be- cause- well, it just isn't done." "Oh foo, you're silly." She rubbed his hand across per smooth skin. He felt a soft warmness, a tingling peace. She bent down and kissed him. She kissed him often and long. He lay there for a long time in the darkness of the store, in the pleasantness of the beautiful mannequin. The idea that it was impossible for a mannequin to suddenly come to life and hold him. in her arms had long since left him. All he knew was that lie had discovered the part of life that he had dreamed of, yet, had never quite known. Thump suddenly awoke to the real- ization that he no longer had a shirt on and that his shoes were laying on the floor beside him. "What's this," he said, sitting up. "What's what," the mannequin pu red. "Where's my shirt?" "Why, you took it off." "I did no such thing." "Yes you did" "My good woman, I am not in the habit of taking off my shirt in the company of ladies and if you were a (continued on page 22 ) ". . You are doubtless aware of the low grade of academic work which you did during the past semester. A notice from the Office of Admissions indicates you failed enough hours to make it necessary to place on your record a formal notice of elimination from the University. Your complete record of failure (F-) in Military Science has been submitted to your draft board. It is our regret that as a result of your dropping out of school, you are subject to immediate draft call." 20 In the Beginning. by Jerry Smith A queen story to end all queen stories. ONCE upon a time, during the three number B. C. period, when swing was something you did with a sword, there lived on Mt. Olympus all the big shot gods and godesses like Zues and Aries. These gods and godesses had a ruler who reigned su- preme. This ruler was a babe called Queen and she was a real sexy and had all her teeth. Queen was a very popular babe and always had her picture in the big mag- azines like Eternal Life and Angels Home Companion. She ruled for many centuries and everybody was content. One day Queen was playing a little game of snooker with some of the boys. They were using bolts of light- ning and one of the damn things ex- ploded and blew earth out of her. Of course this caused a lot of con- fusion on Mt. Olympus. Queen had been a good time gal who never had bothered to get married and so she didn't have any beneficiaries. The gods and godesses were without a ruler. All the gods were unhappy and all the godesses were fighting each other for the privilege of taking over. It was a earth of a mess. One day the Young Gods Athletic Assn. was meeting on their playing field and one of them picked up a big rock shaped like a football. "This is shaped like a football," he said. Everybody agreed, so they called it a football and decided to play a game with it. They couldn't think of any- thing else to call the game so they called it football also. Thereafter the Y.G.A.A. had a meeting every day and played foot- ball and soon the gods and godesses were coming down to watch them. One day somebody said, "We should choose a ruler at the football game." Everybody thought this was a good idea so they chose a ruler and called her 'Football Queen' in honor of this new game and the departed ruler. Everyday the Football Queen would preside over the game and everybody would sing 'Mortal Save the Queen' and give her flowers. This arrangement worked fine for a while, but one day the Daily Gabriel Bugle came out with an article that wanted to know who the earth the Y.G.A.A. thought they were choosing a queen and calling her football. The article continued saying that the Bugle would choose its own Queen. Then it started. The Eternal Life choose an Eternal Queen, a bunch of war gods returning from battle chose a Homecoming Queen, somebody else chose an Olympic Queen. Everybody was doing it. It was a earth of a mess again. Naturally, with all these queens trying to run things, nothing could be accomplished. So each group took its queen and went down to earth and founded its own country where the queen could rule in peace. Soon they discovered that this didn't solve any- thing because each little group in the big group began choosing a queen. Nothing could be done about it, so the countries had to choose another kind of ruler. This worked very well and anybody that wanted to choose a queen could do so without any trouble. And the same damn situation still exists. THE END The Novus Shop The DEN White House Professor Thump . (continued from page 20 ) lady you would put some clothes on yourself." "Oh poo, clothes. People only wear them so that they can go to some- place where they can take them off. Let's go sit in the window." "IN THE WINDOW? Gad woman, have you no morals at all. Sit in a window with a naked woman? "There's no one around at this time of night." She ran her hand through his hair. "Besides, there's a bed there where you can lay down. You're tired." "Bed? I'm not tired. I was never more awake in all my life." Thump got up off the floor hastily and backed away from the mannequin. "I'll take my arm off again," she said. "Take it off, I don't care." Thump was slowly backing away from the mannequin. She was slowly moving towards him. "Goodness but you're stubborn. Don't you like me?" "Of course I like you." "Well.' "Well." Thump made contact with another box. Before he could move, the mannequin was on him. They rolled around the floor, a mass of thrashing arms and legs. Thump tired first. He lay there breathing heavily. "You're sitting on my stomach," Thump groaned. "Your sweet," she gigled. "You have nice skin " She ran her hand over his face, his neck, his chest, his stomach. "Don't," Thump howled. "Don't do that." "Why not?" "Woman, have you no--- ." His words were buried in her lips as she kissed him. It was an exceptionally warm kiss. It melted Thump. They lay there for a long time. Her skin was smooth and soft. "Let's go sit in the window," she whispered. "I don't think- ." Another kiss, warm and sweet. Officer Burnt was making his usual 3 a. m rounds, checking all the store doors to see that they were locked, banging his club noisily on the build- ing and whistling an unidentified tune. He paused to look at the window dis- play in The Spartan Department Store. There was a bedroom set in the win- dow and in the bed were two people. He stared at the people for a long time and decided that Spartan certain- ly did have realistic displays. The woman was covered from the waist down, the man was completely un- covered and clad only in purple striped underdrawers. They were very real- istic dummys. The man looked al- most alive. The woman-Officer Burnt looked at the woman for a long time, wishing that such a thing could exist in the flesh. Then he walked slowly down the street, the sound of his club gradually dying away. THE END That's bow Be-bop was born: "The score and playing manner [of Dizzy Gillespie's band] lean almost exclusively to steccato style similar to trumpet be-bops, from whence this music got its name." -Billboard. "It was at Minton's that the word 'bebop' came into being. Dizzy was trying to show a bass player how the last two notes of a phrase should sound. The bass player tried it again and again, but he couldn't get the two notes. 'Be- bop! Be-bop! Be-bop!' Dizzy finally said." -The New Yorker. Frozen Gold Ice Cream Dean's Town and Country Shop SEX LIBRIS The Blue Shop Woolf Brothers Swami's Side-Slappers A man had a habit of coming home three or four times a week stewed to the gills. His wife was determined to teach him a lesson. With the aid of a sheet and floor lamp she made a fair imitation of a ghost. Then she went in and shook her husband. "Wash thish?" he murmured sottily. "This is the devil," was the an- swer. "Shake, old horsh," he said. "I married your sister." "You should work hard and get ahead." "I've already got a head." Little Penrod was walking along the street with little Joan, age four. As they were about to cross the street, Penrod remembered his mother's teaching. "Let me hold your hand," he of- fered valiantly. "Okay," agreed Joan. "But I want you to know you're playing with fire." Her lips quivered as they ap- proached mine. My whole frame trembled as I looked in her eyes. Her body shook with intensity and our lips met, and my chin vibrated and my body shuddered as I held her to me. Moral: "Never kiss with the en- gine running." * * It was at the cinema, and the fea- ture was one of those steamheated affairs with a sultry LaMarrish crea- ture looking hungrily at a handsome duck of a Gable. After some minor plot preliminaries, the hero and hero- ine went into a terrific clinch. Fully five minutes passed. Suddenly a small child sh voice piped up from the au- dience: "Mummy, is now when he puts the pollen on her?" "Goin' to the party Saturday night?" "Sorry, can't make it. I'm on scholastic prohibition." * * Husband: "After I get up in the morning and shave, I feel ten years younger. Wife: "Why don't you shave be- fore you go to bed?" * * She made a right hand turn from a left hand lane and promptly hit another auto. The driver got out and accosted her. "Lady, why don't you signal?" "Because I always turn here, stupid." Co-ed: "Oh, Edwin has the most wonderful pair of binoculars." Also: "He has? I love these strong, virile men." Then there was the girl who used to go to the city and stop at the Y.W.C.A. Now she has a daughter who goes to the city and stops at nothing. * * Father (To daughter coming in at 4 A. M.): "Good morning, child of Satan." Daughter (Sweetly): "Good morn- ing, father." * * "You know, I've never realized that Sue had such a pretty leg." "Oh. I've felt that right along." DON L. SMALL'S General Electric Appliance Store The Stein Club The Greatest Man in the World Returns by Saul Gellerman Mr. Thurber was surprised to say the least. In fact, he almost climbed down from his bookcase for another look. JAMES THURBER, the interna- tionally celebrated humorist, perched hazardously atop his bulging bookcase and felt sorry. Thurber's conscience, or what remained of it after eighteen years as a top-flight literary figure, was stepping all over him. He had killed the greatest man in the world, and now he was beginning to regret it. (The greatest man in the world, you should understand, is a character in one of Thurber's stories who flew around the world non-stop in a con- traption invented by a mad professor. Unfortunately, the hero, one Jackie Smurch, was insufficiently modest ever to have been allowed to become a popular hero. So Thurber had solved the difficulty by having Jackie thrown out of a skyscraper window.) But it was murder nontheless, and Thurber was racked by remorse. He mumbled some lines of Wilde's about each man killing the thing he loves, and his sobs set the bookcase a-trem- bling. His despondent reverie was inter- rupted by the rasping cries of a blood- stained, dishevelled young man who had been standing in the middle of the library floor for the past half-hour, shouting "Toiba! Toiba!", at the top of his lungs. "Hmm?", inquired the leading satir- ist of his era, adjusting his spectacles and peering over the edge of his book- case. "You Toiba?", snarled the churl on the library floor. "No", said Thurber, "I'm Thurber." The anthropoid on the library floor seemed satisfied. He fastidiously se- lected a used cigar-butt from a near- by ash tray, lit it, and ensconced him- self in Thurber's very favorite Louis XIV armchair. "Wondered where the hell you was", he said. "I'm Smoich." "No, you're not," pouted Thurber from atop the bookcase. "Jackie Smurch fell out of a skyscraper win- dow years ago. I engineered the whole thing myself," he added with a sob. "The hell you say," sneered the lout, rubbing his battered extremities reflectively. "At the time," continued the mod- ern master of light prose, "I consid- ered it to be a social responsibility." He drew a hanky from his pocket and blubbered pitifully into it. "But I have lived to rue my brashness!" he shrieked, succumbing to a veritable orgy of remorse. "Weel don't wet yer pants over it, Bosco," giggled the oaf in the easy chair, without the least inkling of sympathy for the sufferings of Thur- ber's sensitive soul. "I lave compassion!" moaned the ac- knowledged master of contemporary farcical literature. "Not on an empty stomach," an- swered the boor, casting about for a spitoon. "Not that Jackie was my favorite character," continued Thurber, lan- guishing, in his penitent debauch." I was much fonder of Bateman. Bate- man was supposed to come home and bring a thousand dollars. But at least I never killed Bateman!" The scullion in the easy chair whis- tled. "One grand! Now he tells me! We coulda trew him outa the winder instead, an' split the haul!" "You don't understand!" wailed Thurber. Bateman was just a char- acter in one of my stories, just like Jackie. I admit I never liked Jackie very much," he gurgled, almost con- sumed in grief. "But that doesn't ex- onerate me for having thrown him out of a window!" "I'll tell the cockeyed world," grumbled the pariah in the easy chair. He fingered his wounds delicately and winced. Thurber finally egained his com- posure, and leaned out over the edg of the bookcase to have a closer look at his disreputable visitor who, un- able to find a spitoon in the tastefully furnished library, had just spat expert- ly into a tulip-vase. "Ahem! What did you say your name was?" demanded Thurber crisp- ly. "Dontcha know me, Bosco?" leered the opprobrium in the easy chair. "Happily," sniffed Thurber disap- provingly, "No." "Well, ain't that the God-damn," snorted the offal in the easy chair. "Squels all night about flippin' me outa the God damn winder, an' now he don't know me." He spat reflec- tively. "Ain't that the God damn?" (continued next page) The Pen Point Suzanne's Barth Clothing Co., Inc. MISSOURI STORE COMPANY A sudden light of recognition lept into Thurber's myopic eyes. "You mean," he breathed excitedly, leaning over the edge of the bookcase, "you mean . . . that . . . you . . . that you "Steady now, Bosco," said the para- site in the easy chair. "Keep yer diapers dry." "You are Jackie Smurch!" "You don't catch on very quick, do ya, Bosco!" growled the rogue. Thurber crowched triumphantly atop the bookcase. "Then you weren't killed? Then I'm not a murderer?" "No, but you sure tried your best, Bosco," answered the scoundrel, rub- bing his lacerated extremities cau- tiously. "Huzzah!" exulted the dean of modern American satire. "I am de- livered from a life of constant re- morse! I am redeemed!" "The hell you are," snapped the mutation, pointing his shredded finger at Thurber. "This'll cost you plenty." "What do you mean?" asked Thur- ber, somewhat taken aback. "I'm suin' you fer damages, Bosco. Nobody bounces me offa God damn sidewalk and gets away with it." "Why, that's absurd," laughed Thurber. "You can't sue me. You're just a figment of my imagination!" "It fer damn sure wasn't your im- agination that got bounced offa the God damn sidewalk, Bosco," snickered the iconoclast, waving his abrasion- spotted arms. "You've got a point there," said Thurber, with ever-increasing concern. "Harumph! Young man, perhaps we can settle this between ourselves. How much do you want?" "One grand!" "Preposterous! How am I supposed to raise such an exhorbitant sum?" "Trow Bateman outa the winder." "Nonsense! I can't throw Bateman out of any window. He's just a char- acter in one of my stories!" "I wish you woulda thoughta that before you flang me out, Bosco," an- swered the dullard. Thurber was rapidly growing indig- nant. "Sir," he murmured between (continued on page 34) Missouri Showme Reports: On Missouri Queens THIS being our Queen Issue, we were struck by a flair of good sports- manship and deciding to admit that there were a few other campus queens besides our own, removing our glasses, polishing our soon-to-be-muddy-all- over-again shoes, and combing our hair, we started to call a few of these queens for interviews. What a job that was. On our first call we located the March of Dimes Queen, Marilyn Collins, and made an appointment for the following day at Read Hall. Flushed with elation we called Kay Gray, Homecoming Queen, and asked her to meet us in Read Hall the day after. She also agreed, and so anticipating a pleasant next two days, we tried to locate two others, Marjie Miller of the Ag Barnwarmn', and the newly crowned Scoop Queen, Carol Clayton. We failed, but con- sidered ourselves lucky to line-up two of four queens. The next afternoon Marilyn Collins wandered into Read Hall and located us behind a copy of Time. She sat down, and we had an interesting chat, in the course of which we found out that she is engaged, doesn't plan to go into modeling, was pleased at the March of Dimes honor, but doesn't know whether or not she deserved it, and is sure it won't do her any good later on in life. Her hobbies and sports are, she says, horseback riding, dramatics, swimming, football-to- watch, and golf-to-play. Marilyn doesn't want to follow her chosen career, education, before her marriage, but is afraid she'll have to. Her scholastic average is an M with an occasional I, she likes jewelery, and she's very pretty with brown eyes and long brown hair. The next day, Kay Gray stood us up, and we were thinking some very unkind things about Kay until we learned that she was in the hospital. After about thirteen calls to Stephens College to locate Marjie Miller, the Barnwarnin' Queen, we finally left our name, and much to our amazement, she called us. We were so startled that we almost forgot to find out that she has been a pro- fessional model, and is planning to make a career out of television. She also has a lot of dates, and likes being a campus queen, although she thinks she was lucky to win. Marjie's ath- letic too, and goes in for water ski- ing and dancing. She plans to go to Northwestern when she graduates and says she has a 3.00 average, scholastic- ally, blue eyes, blonde hair, and that she loves people. (continued next page) CHARLIE'S Gibson's Apparel KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER NEUKOMMS It only took us six more unsuccess- ful phone calls to get in touch with Carol Clayton, the Scoop Queen, who confided to us that she was not going into modeling or on stage, and that she was pinned, but was dating quite a few boys anyhow. She considers being a. queen "quite fun," and has no comment as to whether or not she de- served the honor. Carol states that she likes tennis, and that she plans to make a career out of journalism, but plans to be married eventually. She didn't say what her school average was, but claimed that she liked read- ing in particular, was 21, and had green eyes and "undistinguished hair." So fellas, if you have a few hours and some extra money, and want to try to date a queen, the numbers are: Collins - 3405, Miller - 2211, ex- tension 231, and Clayton - 7301. F. C. S. Headline, Missouri Student: Michael Straight Will Discuss War At Stephens Hall -We knew there'd been peculiar activity in that sector. Headline, Missouri Student: IMA to Be Host At Black, Bold Ball --Sounds exciting. Headline, The Missourian: Banker Chokes to Death On Piece of Steak --Only a banker could these days. Swami's Side-Slappers The old fashioned girl would take two drinks and go out like a light. The modern girl takes two drinks and out goes the light. * * Grandma (Looking at her grand- daughter's new bathing suit): "If I could have dressed like that when I was a girl, you would be six years older today." * * The preacher finished his sermon with , "All liquor should be thrown in the river" . . . and the choir ended by singing "Shall We Gather at the River?" * * She was only a bottle makers daughter but nothing could stop her. * * He Frosh: "Do you love me?" She Frosh: "Uh huh." He Frosh: "Then why don't your chest heave, like in the movies?" * * Familiarity breed attempt. * * "Have you heard about the new college game?" "No, what's that?" "Button, button here comes your house mother." * * Do you think that skirt makes her look shorter? No, but it makes everyone else look longer. * * She: "I'm getting so thin you can feel my ribs." He: "Gee, thanks." * * Girl: "I want some real kiss proof lip stick." Clerk: "Try this . . .It's a cross between an onion and bichloride of mercury." Edgar's Maytag ESSER DRUG STORE RADIO ELECTRIC Central The Greatest Man . (continued from page 30 ) clenched teeth, "I'm beginning to be sorry I didn't throw you harder." "You're a fine sport, Bosco. You'd probably even trow Bateman out if you knew where he kept that one grand." "How many times must I tell you that Bateman didn't have any money! He's just a character in one of my stories! That's all you are, too!" shouted the enraged humorist. "Keep yer pants on, Bosco! Don't you holler at me!" "I'm not hollering!" hollered Thur- ber. "You're hollering!" "Shuddup!" howled the blackguard, "Shuddup or I'll fling you outo the God damn winder! Nobody hollers at me!" "Oh, no?" yelped Thurber defiant- ly. "Well, I'm hollering at you!" "I thought you said you wasn't!" exclaimed the mongrel slyly. "You can't think anything!" howled Thurber. "You're just a figment of my imagination, I tell you! You don't exist!" "Then why are you hollering?" roared the untouchable. "I'm not hollering! I'm just a fig- ment of your . . . no . . . I mean . . you're just a figment . . ." And so forth. If you stick with it long enough, it turns into a novel. THE END From the Tribune: 30 Years Ago February 12, 1919 The flu germ is so small that, comparing him to a man, a black- eyed pea would be a world to him, and if he were going to cross the black spot on the pea in a rail- road train of his comparative size, he would set his house in order, kiss his 20,000 wives and 120,000 chil- dren goodbye and sit himself down to endure the hardships of a ten day's journey. Maybe he'll be more comfortable in the atomic age. THE SHOWME Roberts & Green Hardware EXPENSE ACCOUNT May 1-Advertisement for girl steno, 50c. May 2-Violets for new steno, 65c. May 8-Week's salary for steno, $25. May 10-Roses for steno, $3. May 11-Candy for wife, 75c. May 13-Lunch for steno and self, $6.25. May 15-Week's salary for steno, $30. May 16-Picture show for wife and self, 85c. May 19-Theatre tickets for steno and self, $7.50. May 20-Candy for wife, 75c. May 22--Lillian's salary, $35. May 25-Theatre and supper for Lillian and self, $21. May 27-Doctor, $100. May 27-Lillian's salary (part week only), $20. May 28-Fur coat for wife, $750. May 31-Advertisement for male steno, 50c. * * A hundred years ago today, A wilderness was here. A man with powder in his gun Went forth to hunt a deer. But times have changed Along a different plan. A dear with powder on her nose Goes forth to hunt a man. Lafter Thoughts Hickory dickory dock, Two couples went for a walk. One talked of the weather. The other did better. Hickory dickory dock. -Shackspeare. * * I doubt that there will ever be A light as bright as that I see Outside the doors of Stephens' Halls When the night's eleventh hour falls. -G. T. S. * * Baby, I'm crazy about ya, I guess you know, I'll go anywhere that You want to go. You kiss like murder, You're really a queen- What's that you say?- Get the hell away!- Who goes out with a kid of sixteen? From The Missourian: One-half of large furnished front room-single beds, separate closets. Near Jesse Hall. For student who doesn't smoke, drink liquor, gam- ble, use profane, ugly or loud lan- guage. No radio, musical instru- ments or cooking permitted. Write Box J-23, Missourian. Wanted: One zombie. 35 H. R. Mueller Florist Eddie's Men's Toggery Swami's Side-Slappers "Does your girl smoke?" "Not quite." * "Mother, are there any skyscrapers in heaven?" "No, son, engineers build sky- scrapers." There was a little country girl who came to college and always went out with city fellers because farm hands were too rough. First Sow: "Have you heard from your boar friend lately?" Second Sow: "Yes, I had a litter from him yesterday." * * judge: Officer, what makes you think this gentleman is intoxicated?" Officer: "Well, Judge, I didn't bother him when he staggered down the street, or when he fell flat on his face, but when he put a nickle in the mail box, looked at the clock on the tower, and said, "My, god, I've lost fourteen pounds!", I brought him in." A peacock is a gorgeous bird, but it takes a stork to deliver the goods. * * Did you hear about the little boy and girl porcupine that were stuck on each other? There's not going to be any feuds down in south east Missouri any more because they passed a Pure Feud Act. * * You are a dear sweet girl. God bless you and keep you. I wish I could afford to. Many a man has made a monkey of himself by reaching for the wrong limb. Girls who eat spinich have legs like this ! ! Girls who ride horses have legs like this ( ) Girls who get plastered have legs like this ) ( Girls who use good sense have legs like this X Knees are a luxury. If you don't * * think so, just try to get hold of one. * * He: "What are my chances with you?" She: "Two to one. There's you and me against my conscience." Conscience: Doesn't keep you from doing anything wrong; it. just keeps you from enjoying it. * * Only a woman can rave over a pair of nylon stockings when they're empty. "They must have a girl's softball team in the harem." "What makes you think so?" "I just heard one of the girls ask the Sultan if she was in tomorrow's line-up." * * Lipstick is something that gives added flavor to an old pastime. LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST Submit your favorite joke and win a carton of assorted Life Savers. Entries should be ad- dressed to: Missouri SHOWME 304 Read Hall Columbia, Mo. Joke Contest Winner: Wayne Magee 613 Maryland Columbia, Mo. Winning Joke: She: "What were you doing after the accident?" He: "Scraping up an ac- quaintance.' Uptown Coffee Shop Life Savers GOLDEN CAMPUS Brown Derby Swami's Side-Slappers There's something feminine about a tree-it does a strip tease in fall, goes out with bare limbs all winter, gets a new outfit every spring, and lives off the sap all summer. A gal we know calls her boy friend "Pilgrim-" Every time he calls he makes a little more progress. Folks can hardly wait until Radar sets are offered to the general public, with the inevitable slogan-"And re- member, radar spelled backward is radar." * * The girl who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right, but she also may be left. Two fleas fell madly in love and, one beautiful day, got married. Young, ambitious, and industrious, they labored hard and saved their earnings. One day they counted their money and discovered they had five dollars. "If we saved five, we can save ten," they chortled, and they continued to economize, to work hard, to shun all extravagance, until one day they had ten dollars. Then they went out and bought their own dog. * * "Drink," said the Irish vicar, "is the curse of the country. It makes ye quarrel with your neighbors. It makes ye shoot at your landlord. And it makes ye miss him." * * You've probably heard the one about the old maid who said, "Take it from me and don't get married." Liza: "Mose, why does they have such small lights on de Statue of Liberty?" Mose: "I don't know, 'cept maybe it's because de less light, de more liberty." On Will Cuppy. BY Donn No. 1 in a Series of Biographies of Humorists A "WILL CUPPY" is a man who writes little articles for magazines such as the Saturday Evening Post and others. These articles are supposedly funny and are identified through this "Will Cuppy"'s cute use of footnotes.2 He usually writes his articles about animals and they all start off: "A such-and-such-an-animal is such-and- such." Rather dull way to start things, I would say. He didn't say very much in that opening sentence. The truth of the matter is that he doesn't say much at all in the whole essay. Most of what he tells about such-and- such an animal I already knew and I don't think the magazines should pay him lots of money to not tell the readers anything and it is this kind of thing that makes the Communistic theories appear reasonable and I think a Congressional committee should in- terview this "Cuppy" right away be- fore he does any further-my, I was carried away there for a minute.3 Anyway, a "Cuppy" lives in a house somewheres like people do. This is not a radical idea because a "Cuppy" is a person. I used to think it was a fish.4 Don't ask me how many doors or windows or rooms are in the house because I don't know very much about it.5 Maybe he doesn't even live in one. In that case, a "Cuppy" lives in an apartment or a hole. A "Cuppy" was given the first name of "Will" because when it lived on 1. Incidentally, this magazine comes out on Wednesday. I can't explain it. 2. This is a footnote-but it's not excep- tionally cute is it? 3. My typewriter was once owned by a man named Nikolas Vladivos and sometimes I just can't control the thing. 4. But fish don't live in houses. 5. Much? I don't know a damn thing about it! the farm his grandmother used to call the puppy and she would always get her grandson.6 They decided on the name of "Will" because that's the one thing the puppy was not named. Much humor has been extracted from "Will Cuppy" 's name because if you say it fast, it sounds like you are hiccuping and everyone slaps you on the back when you mention his name.7 6. 'She could only tell the difference by asking whoever it was to wag its tail. 7. Sometimes people slap you in the face. They must not like him at all. Why does Cuppy write his funny stories? He has a strange complex, say his doctors. He is obsessed with a mania-a desire that must be ful- filled.8 How does he write them? He just puts his amazing sense of humor to work and turns them out by the dozens-truly an amazing thing is a Will Cuppy.9 8. He likes to make money. 9. This sentence is entirely a flowery compli- ment so we won't be sued if this ever reaches Mr. Cuppy's eyes. "Have you seen my overshoes?" 39 HARWELL MANOR Chesterfield Cigarettes Swami's Side-Slappers Marriage is a process for finding out what sort of guy your wife pre- ferred. * * Boss: "What did my wife say when you told her I'd be detained at the office until very late?" Office boy: "She said, 'Can I de- pend on that?'" * To remain a woman's ideal, a man must remain a bachelor. Perfume salesgirl to blonde: "Just a word of advice, honey. Don't use this stuff if you're only bluffing." * * Bebe: "Are you keeping a hope chest?" Scoop: "With a chest like mine, there is no hope." * * Two old maids went for a tramp in the woods. The tramp escaped. * * "My husband travels so much that each time he comes home, he seems like a perfect stranger." "How perfectly thrilling!" She doesn't have any trouble hold- ing her shape. Her trouble is keep- ing others from holding it. * * Marry in haste-and repent at your father-in-law's. Chesterfield Contest Winners: (Entries must be mailed to be eligible) Catherine Covell Gene Pfeiffer Milton Mann M. K. Snook Barbara Papin Lester Cohen Ted Samore Shirley Fishman Bernard Kantor Phil Leider Peepsing on Missouri by Jerry Litner March 1, 1669-Which done I re- tired to my room for study. A most curious volume is General Principles of Economics. It makes me, I confess, much muddled in the brain. The mar- gin hath a footnote by a former owner which says, I must confess, in a rather lewd but pleasurable manner, that the good author is not of sane mind. By and by I could study no more, so I abroad down to a lowly ale house. I tasted of the beer and found it to be a very poor quality, being weak and watery. So then to pinball. The ma- chine was new, and of very high fig- ures. Methinks that soon they shall have to invent new ciphers for they have gone as high the brain can now imagine. The flippers were of slow action, and I was much vexed by the many hecklers around, who said rude and nasty things on my skill. And then parted, and so to bed. March 2, 1669-Early in the morn- ing to the coffee house, where I did drink a dish of coffee, which did wake me, and did eat of bread and jam, which was foul, but I being hungry did eat. And annon comes W. Har- rit, and brings Miss Golby with him. But, Lord! To see how she was painted would make a man mad. By and by Will told that Miss G. hath made herself a candidate for Heart- burn Queen, and then, I thinking it a great honor, did, I confess, profusely offer her hopes of good luck. At me she laughed mockingly, and playfully did say that she was sure to win, this being her turn, and then disclosing that every wench on campus did take turns at being elected a queen. I was much molested in such unfairness as is in such a system, but she rebuffed me, saying every girl hath a finer chance in this, but it still seemeth unsporting to me, but can do nothing about such matters. And so to class. THE END Miller's "Look, kid, this job has a brand new radiator." Fredendall's The New Dixie Swami's Side Slappers "I hear our club is going to help in the fight against malaria." "Good heavens! What have the Malarians done now?" * * Don: "What do you mean coming in here in this condition? You're half drunk!" Ron: "I know, but I didn't have any more money." * * Droop: "I invited two women to the dance tonight." Scoop: "How did you get away with it?" Droop: "Oh, neither of them ac- cepted." * * First Engineer (in a math exam.): "How far are you from the correct answer?" Second Engineer: "Two seats." Many men seem to keep that school- girl complexion on their collars. * * Don: "I wish you'd stop putting on your lipstick." Ron: "Why?" Don: "It's rather poor taste." Jerrymandering with Jerry Smith THE other day I am crawling around under the tables in the shack looking for diamond rings and other assorted junk when who do I come face to face with but Bud Wyser, the psych major. Bud is very glad to see me (for it is very seldom that Bud sees anything), and he throws a big hello in my face. His breath smells like the men's room in a bus station. Bud tells me that he is leaving the University to take a job at Stephens. I immediately decide that Bud is go- ing there to teach The Art of Captur- ing Husbands by the use of Dry Mar- tinis, or perhaps The Modern Phi- losophy of Passionate Necking in the Rear Seat of a Crowded Taxi, but Bud informs me that he is being hired as a psychologist. It seems that too many of their girls are coming in from dates frustrated from trying to act dumb intelligently. Greek Towne is very put out about the things that everyone is saying about the Suzans. He says that he once goes with a Suzan who is very nice. It seems that this frill does not drink, smoke, swear, neck, or tell dirty jokes. One day the faculty catches her refusing a cigarette in Central Dairy and deports her to Christian College. Sigma Al, who has many dates with these Suzan frill, is an expert on Stephens. He says they are very strict about smoking in their buildings. Once he lights a cigarette and the reception- ist faints and a detachment of Kemper marines rush in to keep the Suzans from trampling Sigma as each one tries to get the cigarette first. Sigma says new students should not be surprised, when they go out with a Suzan, if she takes a suitcase with her. Inside this suitcase is a book which seems to be the entire Encyclo- pedia Britannica combined in one but it is merely the pocket-sized edition of the Stephens Book of Rules. The first time Nosey Eversharp, the J-School Student, goes out with a Suzan, she is carrying one of these suitcases, which causes Nosey to have a stroke and spend two weeks in the local infirmary. When he sees this suitcase, it makes Nosey very nervous, for he is a shy person in his relations with frills. Then when she says that she wants to go to Deens, Nosey has the stroke. He doesn't know that she means Deens Golden Campus. * * * Smudge Pot Briar, the pipe smoker, who has just purchased his forty- eighth pipe, an article which appears to be a well varnished wash basin, tells me that he is through with Suzans. It seems that he goes out with one, whose name is Munny Bagg of the Chicago Baggs, and she spends the evening tossing around fur coats and assorted jewelry, which causes Smudge Pot to be very uncomfortable as he is always having trouble figur- ing where his next glass of foam will come from. Smudge Pot also says that by the time you take a Suzan to where you are going, it is time to return, which makes for a very unenjoyable evening. I happen to know that Smudge Pot is not telling the truth as, the other night I am in a local joint (where if one is thin and if one does not care to move, one may dance) with my girl Saccherine when who pops in but Smudge Pot and this Suzan. I know that it is a Suzan because she is carrying gold plated straws and a monogrammed bottle of Air Wick. (continued next page) The Jacqueline Shop She hauls Smudge Pot to the dance floor and it is clear that there will be trouble as the juke box is play- ing swing and Smudge Pot has never been good at jitterbug. They do fine for a while, with Smudge Pot standing around holding the frill's hand and her making like a drunken Indian. Suddenly she dis- appears behind him and he reaches around, expecting to grab her hand and some guy tells him if he does that to his girl again, he'll floor him. Smudge Pot is very embarrassed and wanders around for a while looking for his date. Then she appears through the crowd still going strong. She grabs Smudge Pot's hand, does a short shag, dips and hauls him through left guard. There is a large pile up and Smudge Pot is on the bottom. Some guy, who is unknown to me, runs out blowing a whistle and begins pulling people off the pile. When he gets to Smudge Pot, he says, "Hell, no ball," and drops him. Then he walks over to the frill and says, "You would make a fine quarterback." "No thank you, Mr. Farout,' she replies, and he walks off screaming, "Bus-Damn gradua- tion-Bus." I asked Cue Ball Stanza, the pool hall poet, about Suzans. He says, "People think that Suzans are rich, I know that this thing is not so. The Suzans are poor just like us, their papas's got all of the dough." The first semester that Cornfed Sylow, the Ag student, is here, the Stephens frills cause him to be thrown in jail. It seems that one day Corn- fed follows these two Suzans down Broadway, into their hall, and right into their bedroom. Of course, he is thrown in jail. When his trial comes up, the judge asks him why he does this and Cornfed replies that he did not know that they were Suzans. He says that he thought he was going into the Dairy Barn as he has a class there at this hour. The judge takes one look at the Suzans and throws the case out. The other day I run into Foggy Daze, the frosh. Foggy is all dressed up and making like a big timer. It seems that he has a date with a Suzan and he is very excited. As this is his first date in all his life, I am able to understand his agitation. He is all ready for the date but he has neglected to find the location of Stephens. He ask me to aid him so I point him in the general direction of Stephens and tell him to follow his nose. The next day they find his unconscious body beside the packing house by the Wabash underpass. * * * Lungs Khafru, the radio announcer, tells me that the Suzans are going to make many changes in their radio pro- grams. Formerly they have had pro- grams such as the Stephens Playhouse and this program on which the an- nouncer says such things as, "And now the beautiful Agnes approaches her sweetheart in the pale light of the moon beside the shimmering waters of the lake, and, raising her glorious eyes to the twinkling stars, sings of her great love," which is followed by sounds that appear to be the love calls of a sick alley cat to a half breed Persian. Lungs says all this will be thrown out. Instead, they will have exciting adventures such as 'Massacre at Ter- race Hall' or 'The Whole Damn House Came in Thirty Seconds Late' and true to life love tales such as the story of a modern romance called 'Jane Loved John, Was Engaged to Fred, Went Steady With Bill and Married (continued next page) Peterson Studio Modem Litho-Print Studio Dorn-Cloney Campus Florist The Inglenook Restaurant Homer.' Also there will be educa- tional programs such as 'How to Get Rich Fast' or 'There's a Preacher in Every Hall.' The other day I drop into the shack and who is there but Madden Burndup, the ex-G.I., who writes all the letter to the editors signed Disgusted Vet, Outraged G.I. and Oh, I'm so mad ex-serviceman. Madden is composing a letter to Stephens complaining about the way their frills smoke. He says he does not object to frills smoking, but this one smokes seventeen packs. He says her name is Gertrude Liggett & Myers. Madden says that she even necks like she is smoking. He says the first time he kisses her, she inhales his upper plate. Of course, as this is the Queen Issue, perhaps I should have talked about Queens instead of Suzans, but it's too late. From The Missourian: (Page 1 lead) "Columbia caught a few lively snow flurries this forenoon, but -Anticipating the coming baseball season, no doubt. Helpful information obtained while learning that the accent in um- brella falls on the middle syllable: umble pie (See umbles) A pie made of umbles. umbles n. (Va. of numbles) Obs. Numbles. -Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Fifth Edition, pg. 1086. "I started out on the theory that the world had an opening for me." "And you found it?" "Well, I'm in a hole now." * * "What do you do with your clothes when you wear them out?" "Wear them back home again, of course." * * Med. Student: "Shall I give her gas?" Prof: "No. We couldn't tell when she was unconscious." * * "What would you do if I kissed you on the forehead?" "Why, I'd call you down." * * Thirty-two may be the freezing point, but the squeezing point is two in the shade. * * "My wife has run away with a man in my car." "Good heavens! Not in your car!" * * Stag (to young lady): "Want to dance?" Young Lady: "No, thank you." Stag: "Care to walk down to the Hink?" "Is Roslyn modest?" "Modest! That girl wouldn't do improper fractions." * * "Young man, does your mother know you're smoking?" "Lady, does your husband know you speak to strange men on the street?" * * Micky: "My husband has been mar- velous to me lately." Dicky: "Whom do you suspect?" Lafter Thoughts Young lady (waiting for her escort): No, I don't believe so." Stag: "Would you care to have some punch?" Young Lady: "Certainly not." Stag: "Then I suggest you go home for you're going to have a hell of a lousy time." "Me slept with daddy last night," said the small child to his kindergar- ten teacher. "Oh, no, Tommy, that's wrong," said the teacher. "I slept with daddy last night." "Well, then," said Tommy, "you must have come in after I went to sleep." * * The plain, prim little old lady who stood beside a male customer at a de- partment store counter was nervous and embarrassed; finally she asid: "Please, Miss, I'd like two packages of bath room stationery." * * First Frater: What was the clatter? Second Frater: Brother Foss just fell down the stairs with a quart of whiskey. First Frater: Did he spill it? Second Frater: No, he kept his mouth closed. "Be mine, Clarice," he pleaded, "or I shall die." She refused him. Fifty years later he died. Housemother: What do you mean by bringing Eileen home at three in the morning? Escort: Well, you see, I had to make a seven-thirty class. Co-ed: Why, its the fellow who took me out last night. Hello there, tall, dark, and hands. 47 Beech-Nut Gum Missouri Showme Contributors' Page Peter Mayer Phoograph by Julie's Studio Pete Meyer, our energetic publicity director, has the pleasing habit of racing up to us with an Eddie Cantor- like expression and saying, "This idea's terrific!" And generally it is. So far this year, Pete's put up the Showme displays in the library, handled the spread in the Missouri Store window, and had his hand in the Centerspread Word-guessing Contest. Lately, of course, the Queen Contest has been keeping him busy. Pete was born in Germany, but came to this country in 1936 and has been living in New Orleans since. He's a junior, majoring in radio news, and is a member of Alpha Epsilon Pi social fraternity. Recently, Pete in- formed us that he's giving up smok- ng-and to ease the jolt, he's using a nicotine-less variety at 35c a pack. Fred Shapiro Fred Shapiro ("Showme Reports") wandered into our midst about four months ago with a couple of stories- which were rejected-and an inter- view with Jesse Wrench. We couldn't use the Wrench story then, but we liked the way it was written. So when staff changes after graduation left "Showme Reports" without a writer, we called on Fred. He's a freshman with plans to enter journal- ism as a news major, and his home is Philadelphia. His ultimate aim is newspaper work, or possibly magazine writ ng. Incidentally, Fred now tells us that he never could make his high school magazine-difference of some sort with an English teacher. Al Ebner This is Al Ebner's third year at Missouri, but he didn't get around to knocking at our door until last fall. He wanted to do some promotion work-he says he doesn't know why, except that he likes it-and so he's been selling and distributing our mag- azine, working on promotional schemes-and of course, the Queen Contest. Al is a senior in Arts and Science, majoring in economics and business. He's from Springfield, Ohio, 20, and a member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi social fraternity. Previously Al attended a nearby military establishment, liked what he saw of Missouri as he peered out, and so enrolled at M. U. to take a look at things from the outside. 4 Photograph by Julie's Studio Boyd's Chesterfield Cigarettes