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The Showme Blue Book January, 1932; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1932

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15 cents The Showme Blue Book Name .....Joe College Date......... January 1932 Subject ....Humorology [Examination Number of The Missouri Showme] THE MISSOURI SHOWME MISSOURI SHOWME THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three NOT JUST BECAUSE Just 'cause a girl is happy and gay Is no reason that other people should say, That she necks and pets and flirts with the boys, And treats them just as a child would treat toys. A girl isn't bad 'cause she likes to have fun, She has a heart . .. . haven't you one? Then why be so cruel and so hasty to say That a girl is "no good" cause she likes to play? Why don't you try to read a girl's heart, Perhaps she is really just playing a part? When she tries to be gay and happy and free. Her heart may be breaking-but that you can't see. You just judge a girl by her actions, I guess, I suppose her laughter she'll have to suppress, And speak very softly and meekly to those, When she's sure that they are the ones she knows. But let me advise you a little on this, A girl usually isn't what you think she is, Down deep in her heart she's the best that can be, But people are blind to what they can't see. -Leola Farbstein GYPPEM & CHEATEM, INC. We guarantee to produce any exam paper you wish. We possess a layout of every professor's room, both at the university and at home. The most obstinate of professors become reasonable on our visits and rides. Worry and study no more. "Happy students and worried profs" is our motto. Phone 39756320 We employ union "gorillas." FROM A GIRL'S SCHOOL Oh! boarding school days are hard, hard days As every one must know, And the weeks drag by like a cloud in the sky, And the week-ends leave us low We go to school and obey each rule, And what do we get for that? A new cuss word, a dirty joke, But the most that we get is fat! She: You remind me of the ocean. He: Wild, romantic, restless ........ She: No, you just make me sick.-Malteaser He: What are women good for? She: Many of us aren't.-Brown Jug "What do Elks have that other animals never have ?" "I don't know-what?" "Parades."-Mirror GAEBLER'S BLACK and GOLD INN Tiger Laundry & Dry Cleaning Co. Kress' The New Missouri "Showme" VOL. III. JANUARY 20, 1932 NO. 5 Godfather O. O. MCINTYRE Editor-in-chief HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Associate Editor, John Redmond Feature Editor, Ben Stone Editorial Board: J. D. White Maxine Bickley Harold V. Clark Art Editor, Herb Roush Margaret Holt Humor Editor, Dorothea Pickett R. B. Lovett Sam Brown Sidney O. Shapiro Poetry Editor, Betsy Holt Kathryn Bayne D. Rendler Editorial Staff: Hertha Luckhart, Shirley Ann Brown, Cleve Kern- dt, Maurice Shadle, Grant An- derson, Oscar Korbholz Office Clerk, Guy Cooper Contributors to this number are DR. CHAS. T. BUTLER, RO- BERT N. STENNIS, LEOLA FARBSTEIN, and BETTY JEF- FERS. Business Manager GENE W. MOORE Advertising Mgr. ...Robert Race Advertising Assistants Arthur Bonnot Dorothy Hoskins Jim McPheeters Betty Pumphrey Andrew Young Circulation Mgr., W. O. McIntire Circulation Assistants Elliott Boren Lolita Brown Mildred Brown Marian Kiser Jane McLeod Jerry Mills Emma B. Offutt Caroline Stephenson Jean Stewart Martha Davis Public Relations - Pat Merritt Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex- clusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Contents of this pub- lication must not be reprinted. The Missouri Showme is publish- ed monthly except during July and August by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Liter- ary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Address all business communi- cations to the Business Manager, THE MISSOURI SHOWME, care THE HERALD-STATES- MAN PUBLISHING CO., The Virginia Bldg., 107 So. Ninth St., Columbia, Mo. Application for entry as second- class matter is pending. And What Did You Say Your Name Was? "NONSENSE, SENSE, and CONSEQUENCE" THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five The Showme Show IN the true WINCHELL man- ner we have been going around hiding under sofas, peeking thru key holes, and listening from be- hind wall hangings; we could tell a lot but then we must be decent if nothing else. Dame Rumor whispers that a KAPPA and a SIGMA NU are not strictly pla- tonic in their feelings for each other. She also tells us that they are wed, tho that isn't generally known. Now think twice on this one or you will get the wrong couple. She is seldom seen about Columbia and he is so artistic . . . Is it true that a GAMMA PHI will soon be wearing an SAE pin? . . . And just how could anyone, even from the Journalism Show cast, get lost in Columbia after the evening show was over? You guess! . . . JOHN PORTER really thinks that he is a devil with the women. Didn't he tell as much to JANE BEACHY? And did she believe him? He is certainly a handsome brute, and we're so jealous of him. WOTTA MAN PORTER . . . Isn't the PHI MU silent 6898? . . Why was the young bookstore clerk so popular with the College Avenue boys over vacation?. .. And IDA LEE CANNON and VERNIE MEYERS seen holding hands. Is spring here? JEFFERY IS certainly proud of that new diamond, isn't she? . . . What will JACK give her when he gets up a good practice if this is the beginning . . . TIPPY SMITH was sure worried over that call to Jesse. And she wasn't the only one who was either. ... . Heard that the DELTS are going to have a fraternity conference here soon. Didn't know that they had gone national yet . . . Glad to see CARL DAWSON back on the Ag Campus again.. . .And we've heard that the "OP" isn't a girl, only a DU .... HEAR THAT one of the SHANKLIN twins was hot 'n bother- ed when JOHN O'BRYEN asked if BETA were a fraternity. Personally we've never been in doubt, and further more a damned good one. The nerve of a PI K. A .... JIM DEJARNETTE sure is a slick-looking farmer, and even with that "mustache" too . . . Was PERCY GILL shooting pigeons on the front porch of Jesse recently, or are we crazy? . . . Have you heard people saying that they thought the "booing" at basketball games was pretty poor? Makes MISSOURI look like a bunch of tin-horn sports when you come to thing of it. . . . Hear tell that an A. D. PI has been doing some cribbing for her final in Child Wel- fare. .... A. D. G.'s weren't very nice to us when we called them over the holidays. Anyway Hazel said that all the other girls were in bed, even tho it was only 9 P. M. Saturday night . . . Nor were the PHI MU girls very anxious to see us. Wonder since when they got so snooty? . . . Was the PHI GAM party in K. C. as good as they thought, or as good as they would have us believe? One of their rushees didn't think it was so good. ... Why do they IS call FULTON MONSEES "20 Grand?" Wouldn't say that he were horsey. . .. Is DAN JOS- LYN's little running mate lone- some since he has gone? It's doubtful. . . . JOE MARSTON skipping rope. Wonder if he can play jacks? . . . Upon learning that the SHOWME had O. O. McINTYRE for its Godfather, the WASHINGTON U DIRGE is thinking of selecting RUDY VALLEE as its Fairy Godfather. Appropriate? . . . PERSONAL- (Continued on page 18) NEWS Page Six THE MISSOURI SHOWME THE SHOWME PSYCHOLOGY TESTS There are three tests in this series; work each one in order numbering from one to three, finishing each one before attempting the next. Be sure to follow instructions carefully. Get set . . Go! TEST ONE DIRECTIONS: Below is 20 lists of words; go through each list and underscore every word that is silly or ridiculous to you; underscore as many words as you like, but be sure to underscore everything that is ridiculous. 1. Missouri Mermaids movies soup Spolander frat pins hooey Phi Psi Spolander Barnwarming soap (soft variety). 2. Engineers Don Cox College Farmer Granville Gibson T. N. E. Ida Lee Cannon Xmas Gifts Leap Year W. S. G. A. enrollment. 3. Burrall Bible Class Campus King Gundlefinger Female Gundlefinger Gossip Y. W. C. A. Politics honoraries Garth Landis. 4. Hope O' Tomorrow Betas Forensic Deans Horse Shows Infantry Beer Faren Owen athletics B. Thrailkill. 5. Wine, Women & Song Bible College Smith, (Tippy or Sarah) Spindle Fruit Thetas Kent Brown gigolo Kent Brown Pi K. A. Fine Arts. 6. Phi Gams Butterfield Caucus Betty Trimble rumble seats Art Christman football late dates Ted Houx skiing. 7. Baby Ruth Fite 54/40 dividends Allen Bird Alpha Phi Missouri Student jellying Wayne Wright debate. 8. Tis Suggett negative hours R. O. T. C. Bob Milam's Orchestra stadium dates Kermott prayers John Cooper dates oats. 9. Farmers Overall Gamma Phi's Lucille Fountain polo fire escapes Stepp breakfast food gin Savitar. 10. Women's Athletics Workshop paddling Berkley Mann market tips Farmer's Fair censors S. A. E. Ted Barbee It. 11. Frank Eschen pogo sticks Journalism Show necking Owens A. D. S. Eddie Ellis home activity women de- pression. 12. Bob Seiler mutt cokes heels oscar John Helmers Sigma Delta Chi Jo Davis coon coats. 13. Riding habits Sue Hunker witch banquets wooden checks bowlegs Newcomer poker Ted Graham homicide. 14. Sig Ep classes Andris rain map King Gig corduroy Phoebe Sparks Yenching Bob Lowry. 15. Phi Delts drunks Rouche spats Jane Lillis rubbers beautiful Brown eyes Sheridan. 16. Butts D. U. Metzger cribbing Hazel Sparks goats hash Chas. Hughes scenery Alpha Chi's. 17. Coaches Virginia Hinshaw Lois Gum exams Virginia Lee Grimes blankets directions George Clay Bob Jacobs The Showme. 18. Garbo cutting George Farmer stymies Ben Freeman Martha Gilliam kibitizing Vernie Meyers intermissions McCollum. 19. Handicaps Gamma Alpha Chi Pershing Rifles John Ferguson Orval Reed ATO convertibles Don Hayes Dunwoody and his Kappa Sigs. 20. Arnold (brother and sis) work Chuck Jones applesauce the nerts John T. Hughes grads Marshall Beach Wil- loughby Johnson Tom Francis. FURTHER DIRECTIONS: read through the list again; this time double underscore the ONE word in each line which seems to you to be the MOST ridiculous. Only one word; then beat it to test two. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven TEST TWO ASSOCIATION TESTS DIRECTION: Here we have a list of 25 words in Capital letters followed by a list of nine words in small letters. Go through the lists and underscore the word in small letters which in your mind associates with the word in capitals. Get it? If not see the professor after class. Scram now. Be sure to underscore some word, it won't be hard to do. Underscore as many as you like. 1. FISH (JOE) Stinky Davis (Lambda Chi) John Porter Lowry Hal Foster George Baldry Mark Garver Jim Hash Cary Johnson Frank Jones. 2. BROAD Mary Lundeen Blessing Lippman Mendenhall Fatso Edminston Stemin Spolander Mary Bodine Mullins Ruth Ridgeway. 3. HOT SHOT Vincent Fore George Mair Brooks Lagree Doc Enloe Max Pillard Johanningmeier Schenipp Roaches. 4. PANSY Harry Smyth Jim Shepherd Cy Miller Baylor Sutton Jim Wilson Allee Jim Wallace Schifflin Sames A.T.O. 5. ASS Phi Gams Politicians A. D. Pi. Lingle Kent Brown Bob Logan Mary Easton Rod Cupp Ted Cooper. 6. HIGH SCHOOLISH Olga Owens Dizzy Orr Pew Fair Collister Brunkhorst Neffs Alice Smith Laura Ball. 7. RURAL Imogene Blakeley K. Rain Barbee Art Hutton Flentge A. Whitsett Libby Alves Pi K. A.'s Hayseed. 8. INSIPID Mary Elizabeth Ford Billy Hughes John Elliot Dream Girl of Pi K. A. Jean Stewart Chatten Cowherd. 9. HIGH HAT Pi Phi Kappa Gamma Phi Beta Thetas Betas (They think) Atkinson (U All) Bill Findley Betty Attaway Ida Lee Cannon. 10. SPONGE Jim McPheeters Lovan Hall Sarah Smith Dan Safier Ruth Vincent (Soap) Shy Coeds Coeds Ed Smith. 11. IMPOSSIBLE Lee Eastes Gundelfinger High Water Pants Chandler Wm. Cromwell Willoughby W. Crane Acacia John Thomy. 12. LAME BRAIN Rebecca Atkinson Ted Houx Von Allen Carysle Ellen Nesbitt Gerdel Math Profs John Carson Bill Dalton Coeds. 13. GIGOLO Jonathan Oscar Knehans George Clay Ken Clowe Lowry Phyllis McFarland Pat McMullin Logan Kirtley. 14. LINES Jean Stewart Jean Milam Marg Handly Ohnemus Marjorie Merrill Marjorie Stone Noggel Helen Selvidge Alpha Phi. 15. SMOOTH Jack Lapin Don Eaves Eddie Ellis Stankowski Chink Schiele Blessing Lippman Win- nie Tiffin Jim Finch Bob Jacobs. 15. MORON Bill Harrison Elmer Smith Betty Houx Martha Clay Speed Breck Willoughby Johnson Cops Frank Faxon Goforth. 17. NECK Cay Bowman Marjorie Smith Maxine Wooley Sue Seigler Helen Hawkins "Bull" Hart- mann Marjorie Hunter Virginia Hinton Emily Lautz. 18. SOAK S.A.E. Waite Alex Estes Martha Campbell Bob Johnson Fulton Monsees Sladle Phi Delta Phi "Pony Boy" Eichman. 19. GOOD LOOKING Ourselves Bud Pollitt Bowman Faren Owen Sally Levin Virginia Hausman Margaret Mauze Eleanor Fair Russell Bucknell. 20. "OK" Frank Bittner Virginia Estes Sis Guitar Mark Engleman Tom Hamilton Bud Beynon E. Willis Brown George Phelps Toots Osterlow Jim McAtee "Ourselves." FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS: Go through the list again as you did in Test One. THIS time double underscore the ONE word which you think associates the most. Remember now only ONE WORD TO THE LINE, no more, no less. Page Eight CAMPUS COLLEGE Honor Roll for First Semester, 1931-32 (by subjects) THE MISSOURI SHOWME Gold-Digging Principles Delta Gamma Alpha Phi Hendrix Hall Read Hall Lovan Hall Consumer's Problems Sigma Chi Dick Slack Gaylord Sheldon E.K. Kappa Alpha Decoration Martha McKay Don Themmesch Pat Martin Earle Geigerich Estelle Kermott Pat McMullen Phi Mu Elizabeth Ridings Kappa Sig Marjorie Merrell Dirt Research Us Chi Omega O. P. Phi Psi The Dear Dean Advanced Jellying Betty Holmes Pi K. A. Marion Keller George Rayburn Theta Technique Tippy Smith Alpha Chi Omega Vernie Myers Phi Delt Ed Ellis Nicotine Buying and Mooching Delta Delta Delta Doc Presnell Horoguchi Marg Handley Bee Thrailkill Elementary Jellying Democratic Tendencies Betty Trimble Betty Pumphrey Harry Smyth Mary Merrick Phi Gam Physique Ed. Kathryn Fenstermaker Helen Duncan Charles Henry Sally Levine Pete Wheeling Study of the Line Helen Over Pat Merritt A. T. O. Hal Austin Ruth Vincent THREE QUATRAINS Was it to be a discontented ass I drank my milk and practiced scales Or dreamed of Greece and Capri's charms, And sat entranced by fairy tales? Was it for you I was a fool, And dreamed, and sighed, and flunked in school? When mention of your name made every muscle tense Was it YOU, or lack of sense? Now I sit with folded hands and braided hair, And dream of things I'd do if I but could But do I dare ? Oh, no! I must be good. P. O. STOCKSH ARE VER' LOW THISH MORNING, MAYFIELD THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine NEW CHEVROLET SIX Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME "My dear young man, ain't you old enough to wear trousers? "Tain't age mum, yu hafter get two revee-nuers up hyar 'fore you kin ware pants." --Wabash Caveman. COLLEGIATE CONCEPT OF ANCIENT HISTORY Horatius at the Bridge-Ah, another kibitzer. The Quest of the Golden Fleece-On the look- out for suckers. Alexander, the Conquerer-Al tells his frat brothers about that little blonde peach. The Fall of Troy-Notre Dame 13; U. S. C. 12. The Golden Touch of Midas-One of these boys always trying to make a loan. Spartan Courage-Sorry, I am only acquainted with the Dutch variety. The Golden Apple-A guy that works under a trio of them has my watch chain. -Windy Shapiro "Doctor," said the Iowa pig farmer, "I think I've got a bit of sty in my eye." Why does a newly wed groom wear his pa- jamas when he retires for the night? Because he is not permitted to work in a union suit after mid- night. That girl may be ancient his- tory to me, but let me tell you, her build wasn't roamed in a day. "Even though you did take a correspondence course in love, that's no reason for making me think you got your kissing prac- tice from sealing reply envelopes." M. U. Journalism grads's idea of a snap job: Night editor of an evening paper in the Arctic Circle.. "Oh, the times! Oh, the mor- als!" wailed an ancient philoso- pher. "Oh, the morals! Oh, what times!" exclaims one of the cam- pus social lights. If the depression continues much longer, the University plans to demolish the third floor of Jesse Hall just to keep its pol- icy of cutting things down. ONE LITTLE BOY WHO MADE USE OF HIS CRIB THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven TEST THREE (After Sampling the first two) DIRECTIONS: Follow the same rules here as you did on the two tests prior to this one. This time underscore every word which in your mind is disgusting or repulsive every word which you are not in favor of don't exactly go nerts trying to solve these very difficult problems. When you are finished wrap these up in Cellophane and turn them in to Prof. Showme. Grades will be posted on page 92. 1. ONIONS CURTIS HASTLTINE panic DAN SAFIER chump JOE ANTONELLO clammy PHIL VILES oily WINTON SMITH (HA HA). 2. Funkie ELBERT SMITH nasty GEORGE COSMAS smoothie LEE BURNS fat-head JIM LAWRENCE cute MACK GLADDEN. 3. vanity RUTH PINKHAM dementia praccox KIRK JEFFRY smart LOLLIE MAGINNIS wet blanket MARY HELEN KINDER sewer MARY LICHLITER. 4. piano mover PERCY GILL sylph WM. FLEEMAN clumsy HELEN DUNCAN artistic HOPE CUNNINGHAM dainty JIM FREEDOM. 5. coy JANE LINISAY foxy JUNE KYGER boyish JOHN LOVE bovine MARY JANE OGLE goose BYERS RATHBONE 6. loafer ROTEN SCHWEITZER abused FRANCES RUSSELL terrible JACK TERRILL clever J. D. WHITE indifferent MARY SAMES. 7. scholar CHARLES FISHER lectures E. K. JOHNSTON boring JUSTIN DOAK happy CLAR- ENCE HEHAGEN winsome JIMMY JOHSON. 8. snooty LYMAN WINTERS snake LESTER HOOVER industrious SID CALVERT activity KENNETH GERDEL poopout EVELYN FROHOCK. 9. big sister type TED WALLOWER mushy LOUISE DALLMEYER kittenish BILL REAVES sleek IRVIN FOX collegiate FRANK NOVOSON. 10. modest GUNDLEFINGER wise guy BILL HEARNE lovely lad HUMPHREY WHITE he man TOM WILLIAMS temperate CARSTARPHEN. FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS: Now go through the test again; this time DOUBLE underscore the ONE word in each line which is the most repulsive. THE PONY EXPRESS Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME PICKLED BEEF -Reserve Red Cat. WHAT'S IN A NAME Candidates For the Hon- or Roll Myra Books John Edward Solomon Harwood Hott Cecil Good Barnett Goodman Lloyd Ketchum Nancy Broadhead Alma Luck Elmer Sharp Mary Morehead Helen Mae Bean Ella Schure Louise Luckey Marjorie Beene Chester Starr Elsie Standeven James Beam Patrick Merritt OUR CANDIDATES for the Dishonor Roll are: Maribeth Sap Charles Knapp Lois Gum Milton Ginn Norman Beers Eugene Gamble Roderick Riddle Ruth Anne Sleeper Murlin Merryman Hoyle Lovejoy Florence Doolittle Donald Nutter Albert Mutti Louise Rust Robert Short Helen Wildish James Lowe Elmer Lower AND THAT, ALGERNON, IS WOT COMES OF PICKIN' YER NOSE THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen This depression business means little to the Vanities . . . they can't cut down on their wardrobe much more unless they have the girls forget their smiles. Students at Hobart College be- gan a beard raising contest until their team won a game; here at Missouri we might commence to raise beards after every game we win-it's a cinch we will have plenty of time between each vic- tory. Sometime ago a few of our prize co-eds announced that they would not permit their dates to pay more than 5c on their drinks . . . but they sure forgot at that time that with those 5c drinks they must have a sandwich, a meal, or perhaps a chaser. Sugar daddies will probably resort to asking their girl friends this question this year: "One lump or two, honey?" ALL E'S And if the cold weather con- tinues much longer, the bootleg- gers are going to start putting alcohol in their whisky to keep it from freezing. Have you ever stopped to won- der how the boys at the Sultan's palace will feel if the depression hits Turkey? The Broadway play boys have initiated a depression policy and are cutting down on things too. In fact they have begun making a play for midgets this year. Vera: "Did you know that papa's got the gout in his right foot?" Frank: "Well, that puts the shoo on the other foot now." Page Fourteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME WOULDN'T THIS BE BETTER THAN RAISING OUR FEES? GOOD CLEAN FUN Harold:Do you object to kiss- ing on sanitary grounds? Mabel: Oh, no. Harold: Then how about a stroll through the infirmary? -Medley. They were some distance from shore when the boat filled with water and sank. "Do you thing you can swim to that bouy ?" he asked. "If I can't, it will be the first bouy I haven't made," she said. -Wisconsin Octopus. BIG BUSINESS Johnny was over visiting the Kappa Kappa Gammas. In fact, he had one of them cornered on the sofa. "Kiss me darling," he said. "There's a house line of ten dol- lars on the fellow who kisses a girl within these confines," she said. "I'll gladly pay the fine, on one condition," he told her. "What's that ?" "That you let me turn out the lights and take as long as I want to and kiss you as many times as I wish." "Heaven eyes, of course!" Three-quarters of an hour later she said to him: "You're kissing beautifully tonight, John !" "Johnny, hell!" the guy kissing her stated roughly. "I'm just one of Johnny's fraternity brothers. Johnny's at the door taking tickets." -.Arizona Kitty-Kat. "I'll be frank with you," said the young man when the embrace was over, "you're not the first girl I ever kissed." "I'll be equally frank with you," she replied, "you've got a lot to learn. --Lehigh Burr. IT'S ALL RIGHT, CRANE, ALL SWELL HORSES HOLD THEIR TAILS LIKE THAT. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Fifteen MY ISN'T THAT A PRETTY VASE! -Carnegie Tech Puppet. Rastus was summoned to the police court. The judge asked him: "Rastus, did this accused man disturb your peace last night?" Rastus: "Nossuh, jedge. He's not guilty. She's gone home to the country now." He entered the building as the classrooms were pouring their masses into the great hall, where they grouped and milled around the tall columns. He took no notice of them, but walked quickly to the center of the hall where he stationed himself, figgeting nervously, as if impatiently awaiting the arrival of someone. Would she come? He had waited long enough, too long, and he was going to put an end to it. His eyes restlessly scanned the approaching faces. Ah, there she is. He shoulder- ed his way to her side. Now was the moment. He mustn't make any slips. How unsuspecting she was, as she turned to greet him. As he grasped her arm, he asked huskily: "Do you want to "jelly" awhile?" The ass he are a beautiful bird, His hair are long and thick, He are mostly ear and tail, But lot of he are kick. -Sam Brown A KAPPA BETE LOOKS BACK When I was young and not so wise, I studied and I crammed; With all this talk of gin and ryes My mind was little jammed. Now I am about 2 graduate, No longer do I study; I discovered 'ere it was 2 late, 'Tis better stewed than studied.-s. o. s. IN TRIBUTE TO THE NEW-KAPPA FIRE ESCAPES Sixteen ODE TO SCHOOL School . .. Parents send their children Seeking culture for them The children find Only a lot of Rushing Pressure Affected sophistication Then utter Boredom. School. -Betty Jeffers Fool the prof and use indelible ink for writing finals. You will get a kick out of it. A crib, by the way, isn't a baby bed. So we are told. 'Twas the night before finals And all through the house, All the students (?) were cram- ming Even the (Phi Beta Kappa) louse, The cribs were laid out by the notebooks with care, In hopes that aid would be forthcoming there. (Apologies to Santa Claus). Avoid the profiteering Blue Book salesman. Use wrapping paper, it will serve the purpose. Ed: Why the black garters? Coed: Mourning. In memory .of those who have gone beyond. THE MISSOURI SHOWME CLUCK! On a freshman's theme we found the following: "Cups were laying all over the table," to which the professor had appended, "Do you mean 'set- ting'?" A failing student of Sanskrit accidentally wiped his pen on his finals paper. He passed with fly- ing honors. The honor scholar at Haskell Indian Institute never used a crib during his school days, in fact, not even as a babe. He had a papoose for that purpose. "We're not as bad as we're painted," clamor some of the girls on this campus. No, merely bad- ly painted. "I repent now that 1 am at the end of my rope," said the frosh, after one of those good 5c cigars. Hardly That- One of our most modern and up-to-date divorce courts was in full swing, "and," continued the kindly old judge "did you say, madam, that your husband struck you in the fracas?" "No, your honor, I wouldn't say that; I only said that he gave me one hell of a punch in the belly." Patronize Showme advertisers Maybe it's right, Maybe its wrong, But honey, I'll be So glad when you're gone! Maybe it's wrong You say it's right That you press my lips And hold me so tight. Maybe I'll let you But I think not-- You said you loved me, Then straightway forgot. Betty Jeffers A Pome in Very Free Verse A final exam Is like the weather- Sometimes good. Sometimes fair. And sometimes not so hot. Once It too, Reached the shivery stage Of Ten Degrees Above jokes. Zero! -Dorothea Pickett Business houses say that now they can reach the inside of every home through the radio. This will probably be the end to our numerous travelling salesmen jokes. And still another-The Scotch- man who sold his Austin's gener- ator because it was charging his battery too much. McAllister's Market The Columbia Missourian THE MISSOURI SHOWME Seventeen THE SAD FATE OF SERENADERS My work was done; my duty filled, As I prepared for my sleep; My brain was tired; my body willed That my rest be long and deep. The night was silent and sweet, Caressed by a brilliant moon; And there came down the street, Voices singing an awful tune. How I wished to be at them With fierce tooth and nail; I wanted to commit mayhem To still their screeching wail. But the coeds cheer'd loudly, As they leaned forth to see, And the fools lifted their heads proudly To redouble their efforts in glee. At last I could stand no more. And up I sprang from my cot; With unholy glee and a great roar, I poured lead into their lot. The coeds screamed; loud were their moans, When my shots stilled their cheers, But the piercing shrieks, and dying groans Was music to my ears. No, I'm not behind the bars, Nor am I sentenced to die; The jury gave me cigars, And now I'm a great guy. -R. N. Stennis. Bert: I hear you're running a notion store at Stephens. How's business? Ramon: Not so good, those girls sure have funny notions. MISSOURI FLOWER SHOP Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. Page Eighteen ARROW CLEANERS House Beautiful THE MISSOURI SHOWME SHOWME SHOW (Continued from Page Five) PROSPERITY, come back, all is forgiven. .. . Among good New Year's Eve parties that we have heard about the one at the local Country Club sounds pretty good, except that few remember much. . . . AND were the PI PHI's run- ning every where in K. C. It is whispered that two local people had a time at the PHI PSI house one Saturday nite during the hoildays. Phil and ? ? ?. And were the Broadway joints ever raucus when we drove thru town? Don't ask . . We under- stand that MILAM and his Boilermakers sound better over the "radio" than closer. ... . "TAP IT LITELY" Cosmas running around as tho lost .... And was- n't it George who made that crack when Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde were here? . . . JOHAN- NINGMEIER says that he does- n't need to start training yet .... "The Olympics ain't until Au- gust." HEARD many fine things said about FRANK CONDON'S piece from the Journalism Show. More power to you, FRANK ... And you noticed how POOPED- OUT the girls looked after it was all over? BOB JOHNSON, the band master, seen in K. C. with a nice looking lady. Yes, we said lady. GEORGE de VILLIERS we understand hails from Johannes- burg, South Africa. Ought to get a prize for that shouldn't he? Hope some people will get over telling us about the VANITIES and repeating the cracks from it. Think that we know the show as well as the producers now. WHO GOT the bicycle at the KAPPA house the other nite? ... PI PHI'S got called be- fore their local Alumni, wonder why? Ask them, they can't keep anything secre t. (Reference: "We Seventeen" if you were here THE WHEEL Missouri Showme TYPEWRITER SERVICE CO. Dr. G. E. Ward, Jr. THE MISSOURI SHOWME then). Was FERN SPOLAN- DER really treated as she says she was? You know the flower shop story of hers that she is tell- ing everyone. How men go for her .... CAY BOWMAN always looks smooth in her clothes, does- n't she? WHAT ABOUT MARION KELLER getting kicked off the dance floor at Fayette for refusing to be tagged by the local yokels? . . . The new Alpha Gam- ma Delta moral, so we hear, or proverb is: "It's a great life .. If you know when to weaken" .. . ask Lovell and Freddie Busher how they were able to return from St. Louis? Didn't some Alpha Chi's ole man stake the quartet to a five spot? WE HOPE to have some- thing of real interest for the next issue if we can only find out where the couple go who leave on week-ends. BOTH are from good organizations and well known too. Better be careful YOURSELF or you are liable to get it dumped on you. And just because you are a BEAUTY QUEEN CANDIDATE is no ex- ception either. Three of them are slated for the next issue and others have good chances if they aren't more careful about what they do. Well, here's a vote for Gundlefinger for Campus King's fool ... (an idea for the Savitar). LOVE AND KISSES, "OBSERVANT MULE." FIGGERS Once when I was but a lad I went down 2 the C, & there I wooed a mermaid With all the wild love of a pup. Alas, I had 2 give her up, She was 2 deep 4 me.-S. O. S. "Ho, hum, back to the old grind!" said the co-ed as she ditched her studious freshman friend for her former Phi Beta Kappa. Page Nineteen Peterson's Studio TAVERN CAB CO. Page Twenty THE MISSOURI SHOWME THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FINALS (with apologies to Moore) 'Twas the night before finals, an' all thru the town, Not a frat dance was stirring, not a date could be found. The blue books were laid on the table with care In hopes that an "S" or an "E" would be there. With Mae in her p.j's and I in my nightie, We were both feeling, what I would say, "flightie." We had just settled down when we heard quite a clatter We rushed to the windows to see what was the matter. Then what to our eyes should suddenly appear But a truck, and in it were ten tiny men dear. They had musical instruments, including a sax; All that was needed was a floor and some wax. They tried to persuade us to leave our darn books To help them serenade regardless of looks- But lo!-It was useless we must study very hard To have a respectable looking grade on our card. Their musical numbers lingered in our ears, So our examinations were no longer fears. They played "Goodnight Sweetheart" and off they sped; It was long past time for us to be in bed. Not a book had been opened, not a pencil mark made; Not a bit of attention to our quiz had been paid. We set the alarm and jumped into bed And thought we'd let studies go over our heads. Had we slept? It certainly seemed not. But the fool alarm rang, so we jumped on the spot And for two little hours did we cram and cram, Just five minutes more and then . . . . Damn that EXAM! A TIP FROM ONE OF OUR READERS NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL Editor, The Missouri Showme, Columbia, Missouri. Dear Sir: You were complaining in your "Football Num- ber" that pigeons flying above the entrance to the Hall Theater had ruined your new winter hat and you were threatening suit for damages against the proprietor of the Theater. Instead of mewing around about a little thing like that, you should appreciate your blessing and thank God that cows don't fly. Very truly yours, Charles T. Butler, LL.B. Attorney-at-Law, Beaumont, Texas. Dear Dr. Butler: Your advise is worthy of careful consideration. When things come to that, we will get us a cast- iron umbrella. As ever, THE EDITOR. IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING "I'll bet anything there'll be a comeback on this," muttered the railroad ticket agent to himself as he sold a passenger a round-trip ticket. Teacher to class: Now I want you to write your names in your primers. Little Abe: What and kill the resale value! -Juggler Tell them you saw their ad in the Showme Boone County Trust Company THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one FAMOUS LAST WORDS "I'll study tomorrow" Said Kenneth Lott; The finals passed, But he did not. "I'll hit the quiz For an M," said Stout; It hit him first And it knocked him out. "Don't grind-exams are a Snap," said Slate; (We notice that he Didn't graduate.) -H. D. L. WINTER'S SCENE Once in a mantel of winter cold, Upon this campus dear, I saw from dimly lighted streets The study lamps-exams were near. With text book clutched in trembling hand, And eyes that knew not sleep I saw the students turn the leaves And clock's hands aching creep. And you, and I, and everyone, Who has a vacant stare, Will be up, also, cramming facts, And tearing out our hair. -Kathryn Bayne Hays Hardware Co. UNIVERSITY SHOPPE DANIEL BOONE TAVERN DORN-CLONEY Page Twenty-two THE MISSOURI SHOWME J. C. PENNEY Company, Inc. WHAT A MAN! Santa Claus is the only one I know of that run around with a bag all night and not get talked about. -Sun Dial I GUESS NOT Even if you were the last man on earth I wouldn't marry you. It wouldn't be necessary. - Sun Dial Here lies the body of Iceman Sam. He met the wife of Another iceman. - Widow "What was that you said, Henry?" she asked as she loosened her shoulder straps. "Say it again, dear ' She let her dress slide to the floor. "I can hardly believe it." She stepped out of her shoes and drew up a chair, and slowly pulled off a stocking. A long pause. She listened tremulously, excited. "Pro- mise me you won't tell a soul . .. . ." Her etheral silk under things slipped down and fell in a little pool of ruffles at her feet. "All right, Henry . . . good- bye." She hung up the receiver. --The Battalion And there is the question of what Mahatma Gan- dhi would have done if he was in Sir Walter Raleigh's shoes at the rescue of Queen Elizabeth from the mud- puddle. -Widow MONKEY WARD MIGHT DO, TOO Then there is the story of the parents who named their first born "Sears Roebuck," because he was of the male order. -Awgwan TIGER BARBER SHOP THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-three MERCHANTS TO BUY FROM Page Arrow Cleaners .... ........................... Boone Co. Trust Co............................... Boone Tavern Hotel ...................... Camel Cigarettes .......... .......... Chevrolet . ............................. ........................ College Humor ............ .................. .... Dorn-Cloney Laundry .......................... Gaebler's Black and Gold Inn .................... Hayes Hardware Co. ............................. Herald-Statesman Publishing Co ......... House Beautiful..................... J. C. Penney Company ........... Kress & Co. ................................... McAllister's Market ... ........................ Missourian ... ............. ................ Missouri Flower Shop .............................. Peterson's Studio ......... ............................ Tavern Cab Co. ........................... Tiger Barber Shop ....... ......... Tiger Laundry ......................... ............... Typewriter Service Co. ......................... University Shoppe ........... ... Dr. Ward ....... The Wheel Cafe . ........ ...... White Drug Co ...... ..... . Jack and Jill Have had their fill Of going after water. I heard them say The other day Her Father finally caught her. -Sun Dial WHITE DRUG CO. "have you heard- that there's still time to win $3000? It seems that COLLEGE HUMOR and Farrar and Rinehart have extended the annual Campus Prize Novel Contest, and the new closing date is June 30th, 1932!" "Wonderful! I wanted to enter, but last summer was so hectic-" "I know. That's just what happened to me. By the way, the rules have been changed, too. The new ones are in the current issue. Let's run around the corner and get a copy and look 'em over." "Oke . . . I feel this way about it-if Betty White and Cleo Lucas can do it, we can do it!" College Humor's Campus Prize Novel Contest has been extended to JUNE 30, 1932 Camel Cigarettes