Showme Autumn, 1962 Showme Autumn, 1962 2008 1962/autumn image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show1962autumn

Showme Autumn, 1962; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1962

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Showme Autumn '62 35 cents SAVITAR Published By Authority of the Board of Publications, which makes us the official hu- mor magazine of the University of Missouri. All nice letters should be ad- dressed to Showme, Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All nasty letters should be thrown in the waste- basket. Published quarterly or so. Any material may be reprinted in whole or in part with the written permission of our editors and your Publications Board. Printed by the swell guys at Modern Litho-Print Co., Jeffer- son City, Mo. Ad rates furnished on request. We owe gratitude of debt to Ralph (the bald guy down at the Agora House) for letting us use his after-hours office and his share of AT & T. (He pays month- ly rent on our telephone.) Buy a piece of coffee from him some- time. ABOUT THE COVER- Showme is proud to be issued back on campus with a special boost by nationally-syndicated cartoonist Murray Olderman, who drew our cover. A 1941 graduate of the school of journalism, Murray now sends his sports cartoons into news- papers across the country via Newspaper Enterprise Assn. The cover actually arrived a bit behind schedule - while put- tering among his carrots and pe- tunias this summer, gardner O1- derman managed to place his tal- ented right hand directly under a falling rock. "Played hell with my typing, too," growled our hero, who ad- mitted he did the artwork for Showme gratis for "nostalgic reasons." Not much of a gardner, that Olderman. But pretty handy with a brush. Clean and white and pure and staunch- ly resolute against all raunch; With Journalism creed in hand And mindful of a firm command To keep our humor fairly bland With jokes no one can understand, Or be, once more, ruled contraband, Another Showme year we launch. How grand! 4 This was the year. A rival- ry that has festered for years lay open, throbbing like a split blister upon the Footsole of the Midwest - Memorial Stadium, Columbia. The Missouri Tigers and the Kansas Jayhawks stood face to face, cheek to cheek, fur to feather, fang to beak, claw to talon, Tinker to E vers to Chance, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. This was the year the facul- ty united with the students, the University united with Ste- phens and Christian, the dor- mitories united with the Pure Food and Drug Act, the Greeks united with the Inde- pendents - this was the year. MISSOURI PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS TO BEAT KANSAS. by Clyde Linsley and Steve Danker P r e-g a m e festivities were planned by Dean Jack Mat- thews . . . . While moral support was added by Pres. Elmer Ellis. 5 Even in Pinkney Walker's class the game was the talk of the week . . . By Wednesday, as the Tigers were drilling in earnest . . . . . the cheerleaders tried a new tack. Johnny Roland was given a special offensive assignment for the game. 6 Saturday came. The Jayhawks arrived at Municipal Airport. Ronnie's Every True Son turned out to offer his all in the fray. In the dressing room, Dan De- vine unveiled a new, safe pass play. Meanwhile, out on the field, Warren Bass was having his problems. Chocolate Shop BRAG-OF-CHICKEN The game itself was a two- fisted, pulse-throbbing affair That left the capacity crowd gasping. And Missouri won. So signifi- cant was the victory that a special pep assembly was de- clared for the following Mon- day at the columns. The usual crowd turned out. They heard the fans in the stands strumming weird rubber bands . . . and Larry Roth, Showme's custodian of things nostalgic, named that. The Birth of a Fight Song Long ago, in the time of the Great Depression (when everyone felt depressed because we had lost to Kansas for six consecutive years) a group of loyal foresighted alumni gathered on campus to boost spirit by writing a "fight song." Each had such different ideas about what a spirit song should say, however, that the group was plunged into discord. With the big game only a week away, the alumni decided that each one should write two lines to be combined into an insipiring anthem. (This was known as the Missouri Compro- mise.) The resulting stanzas made up in spirit what they lacked in coherence; they became the music which is now so near to our hearts, etc. Following are the credits which have been long overdue: Every true son, so happy hearted, Skies above us are blue There's a spirit, so deep within us, Old Missouri, here's to you! Rah! Rah! When the band plays the Tiger war-song And when the fray is through, We will tramp, tramp, tramp around the Columns With a cheer - for Old - Mizzoul Orville Wiggins, class of '21, currently the weather forecaster in Blue Skies, Montana. Ferdinand Blesser, School of Religion class of '18. "Ferdy" failed as a faith healer, later switched to patent medicines and made a mint. Matilda Schin, outstanding Army ROTC cadet of the year, 1923. Matilda died in action at Iwo Jima while serving her second hitch in the Marines. Harley Forkelmeyer, expelled in 1911 for organizing picket lines around the Columns as a protest against administrational red tape. 10 Hurray! Hurrah! Mizzou! Mizzou1 Hurray! Hurrah! Mizzou! Mizzou! Hurray! Hurrah! A Bully for Old Mizzou! Rah! Rah. Rah, Rah . Mizzooooora! Mizzooooora! Mizzooooora! TIGERS!!! Fight, Tigers, fight for Old Mizzou, Everyone is with you, right behind you Break the line and follow down the field And you'll be on the top, upon the top Fight, Tigers, you will always win, Proudly keep the colors flying skyward In the end you'll win the victory So Tigers fight for Old Mizzou! We owe this entire stanza to the Missourian editorial writers of 1927, who felt that, after graduating, they could afford to take a definite stand on something. Nonetheless they were very careful in their phrasing so as not to offend anyone. Herman Bellycose, who was the last radio-TV jour- nalism major to graduate before TV was invented. He now does "Bellycose Hour" for Radio Free Europe. These are the immortal words of John Krumm, a dormitory cafeteria checker who never did gradu- ate. John's original first line was, "Break into this line and I'll confiscate your meal ticket," but this was later revised by one of the dorm public rela- tions men. John now owns the Top Manufacturing Co., Fulton. James (Happy) Smurck, who later became national president of the Optimists' Club. He was in charge of raising and lowering the flag before and after games, 1916-1919. Actually, the alumni were stumped on the last two lines. Feeling it might be awkward for the band to play eight bars after everyone had stopped singing, and not wishing to steal a whole new melody, they managed, in a stroke of genius, to condense the whole sweeping thought of the momentous passages in one grand summation. The effort of those devoted alumni was not entirely successful, as the Jayhawks went on to defeat the Tigers again by a score never recorded east of Boonville. According to tradition, however, the alums gave a wonderful account of themselves after the game, and somehow the songs stuck - so that we're stuck with them today. 1Changed from Huzza! Huzza! during World War II. 2Believed to be a subtle reference to Oliver Mugbuster, first Missouri football player to be recruited from out of state. Unhappily, Oliver flunked freshman English and was never eligible. Pizza de Resistance The Agora House We have real atmosphere - No lights, fresh help, exotic magazines, and a funny cook who wears a straw hat and talks to himself. Right across from J-school. The perfect place to take a date. 11 PLA-BOY DRIVE-IN "It was ghastly! A girl showed up at rush wearing a tag with her name, home town and major. I couldn't think of a thing to talk about." Boone County National Bank Life Savers "We can't break up now - we're going to be in Maneater this week." COLOR BY THIS WAS A CARD SECTION. THIS WAS YOUR CARD SECTION. COLOR THEM BRIGHT NEW TRADITION! STAY IN THE LINES. THEY DIDN'T. COLOR THEM NOSTALGIA. THIS IS OUR WINNING COACH. COLOR HIM DIVINE. HE IS A FRIENDLY COACH. COLOR HIM BIG BROTHER IMAGE. HE DOESN'T LIKE "DIXIE". COLOR THIS DOODLE YANKEE. THIS IS A STUPID BIRD. HE IS FOR THANKSGIVING. COLOR HIM WITH CRANBERRIES. HE IS A JAYHAWK. TIGERS BASH AND SMASH JAYHAWKS. COLOR HIM SORE AFRAID. 14 SEE THE PRETTY GOALPOST? COLOR IT EMBEDDED IN CONCRETE. SEE THE LITTLE DOG? COLOR IT NICE. SEE THE MEAN 10-YEAR-OLD? COLOR HIM BITTEN. NUMERALS SEE THIS OLD MAN? HE IS AN OLD UNDERGRAD. COLOR HIM AT WILL. HE IS FROM ALL OVER. HE HAS A COLD. DO NOT COLOR HIS NOSE. IT IS SORE. SEE THE HILLS, DALES AND FJORDS? COLOR IT UNPAVED. THIS IS YOUR STADIUM PARKING LOT. THERE IS AMPLE PARKING. PARK YOUR AMPLE. COLOR IT THEORETICAL. COLOUR GUIDE i. A. P. Green ii. John Birch Green iii. Hinkson Breen. iv. Old Showme blue v. Bowl orange vi. New Fabian Vermillion vii. Kewpie Mauve viii. Ultramarine D'JessAud ix. Lover's box rose x. Mean red xi. Aggie brown xii. Oxford white xiii. Colume grey xiv. True love's heart black xv. Wave amber Permanent amber (optional) Note: Borders and backgrounds to be done in gild- ings & Browns 15 THIS IS BUSTLES AND BOWES. IT IS FOR GIRLS WITH BOYS. COLOR IT JAZZY. COLOR IT DATE NIGHTS. THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT. COLOR IT PAID. Diary of a Medical Student By Ron Powers Sept. 16: Med school at last! Looks like a great year. Hope I can get through first few diffi- cult months; cheated my way through pre-med and may have to feel way around neuro-sur- gery for a while. What is it they say about practice making per- fect? Sept. 18: Checked out uniforms and equipment today. Not too sure about neuro-surgery; keep tying nerve ends together in granny knots. May play the field. Checked out Dr. Casey tunic and Dr. Kildare stethoscope to be on safe side. Sept. 22: First lab asignment. Saw "The Interns". Will probab- ly have pop quiz Monday on how to make small talk while deliver- ing baby. Found "Ben Casey" will be offered by the "Univer- sity of the Air" as three-hour credit course. Sept. 28:First letter from home. Mom complained of headache. Wrote back prescription; will collect $240 at end of month. Should pay petitioning fee for lo- botomy course. 16 Sept. 29: Petitioned out of lo- botomy. Found it was honors sec- tion. May take social dance to fill credt hours. Oct. 2: Glorious rah! First lab project. Wealthy Suzie requests surgery. Is six feet, five inches tall and claims she can's get any dates except during basketball season. Dr. Alberts awarded case to me. Oct. 4: Consulted with Dr. Al- berts about Suzie case. Agreed on course of action. Will remove five inches of bone from each leg below the knee. Was rush deci- sion, but may be only thing that can save her for Homecoming. Oct. 10:Operation starts tomor- row. Feel tense but learned of one interesting development. Journalism television class is in- terested in televising operation on closed circuit, with return match guarantee if Suzie lives. Worked all afternoon on cues and spontaneous sweating for close- ups. May have to perform opera- tion left-handed; it's my best pro- file side. Oct. 11: Operation began today. Gave local anesthetic, started work immeditaely. Thought sca- pel was dull; later found I had forgotten to remove nylons from Suzie. Must remember to write expense receipt for nylons. Had removed both legs when bell rang. Had to dash for chem lab on white campus. Gave Su- zie copy of "Mademoiselle" and took off. Should finish up tomor- row. Oct. 12:What is they say about "C'est la Vie?" The joke was sure on me today. Will probably take a good ribbing from the fel- lows. Got back to operating room this morning. Finished removing five inches of bone from each leg. Was thinking about who to ask to scalpel-sharpener's ball and didn't pay enough attention to what I was doing. (Note - read Dr. Zimmer's monograph about con- centrating on operation before mid-terms!) Sewed right feet on wrong legs. Holy cow, was my face red! Didn't notice it until was lacing up left tennis shoe. Well, maybe she won't notice for a while. Oct. 13Talked with Dean of Med School today. Had received word of my faux pas. Seems Suzie had crossed her legs at dorm and kicked her left shin in. Low knees were probably a factor there but Dean was in rather sur- ly mood so I didn't bring it up. Inferred that I may receive D for semester. May transfer to Law School. World's longest two-line poem: 1, 2, 3, A fumble on a pitchout is a shell-out falter. * * * Why does a baby duck walk softly? Because he can't walk hardly. An asylum patient who had been certified cured was saying goodbye to the director of the institution. "And what are you going to do out in the world?" asked the director. "Well", said the patient, "I have passed my bar examination, so I may practice law. I also have had quite a bit of experience in college dramatics so I might try acting." He paused for a moment, deep in thought. "Then, on the other hand," he continued, "I may be a teakettle." She: And I suppose this is one of those hideous creations you call modern art. Museum Guide: No, ma'am, that's just a mirror. * * Prosecutor: Now tell the jury the truth, please! Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow? Defendant: I didn't want to wake the children. "Is not the unusual warhead that bothers me, Comrade - is the small launching pad!" 17 Socrates Rides Again by Tell Neff Socrates: Why have you come at this hour, re- porter? Is it not still early? Reporter: Yes, it is still very early. Socrates: For what reason then have you come? Reporter: Indeed, Socrates, it was that I might scoop the other periodicals in obtaining an interview. Socrates: Ah, and what information do you wish to receive by my voluminous questions? Reporter: I wish, Socrates, that you might clear up an age-old controversy here on cam- pus. That being: which two columns are the further apart? Socrates: Well, then, my excellent reporter, we shall start with the premise, be it true or no, that there are certain columns equidistant from others. Are we not justified in using that premise? Reporter: We are. Socrates: And we may say that certain of the columns are not equidistant from one as another is unjustified in being the same distance? Reporter: Certainly. Socrates: It then follows, my dear friend, that there are certain combinations which are of unequal distance to be taken into consideration, with respect to compari- son and analysis of the situation, and that these combinations may be equal with some and not with others. Can we safely say that, honey? Reporter: Oh, yes indeed. We may certainly say that, Socrates. Yes sir. You bet. Socrates: Now, if, by listening to the opinions of those who do not understand, my hum- ble, sweet, innocent reporter, we might be tempted to set our argument aside. Those of us who think at all seriously esteem some of the opinions which men form highly, and not others. After list- ening to these arguments, Sweetie, I am tempted to evade the question, but, as you know, I can't. After all, what would the Greeks think of me? What, too, would they say of me back in Athens? What manner of blasphemies would be uttered against me? Oh, I could cry, my darling. Do you understand my feel- ings? Reporter: Oh, yes indeedy. I certainly do see your feelings. You are 100% kee-rect. You hit it on the head, Soc., babe. Socrates: Therefore, a justification for my con- tinuance along these lines having been established, we shall proceed with the original premise . . er . . what was the original premise? I seem to have wan- dered somewhat astray. Do you re- member, light of my life? 18 Reporter: Certainly, that may be said, Socrates. Most assuredly we shall proceed. Oh yes, I agree wholeheartedly and with- out question that that is true. Oh, boy, do I believe! Jiminy crickets, nobody ever believed like- Socrates: Shaddup. Reporter: Oh, yes, I agree. You couldn't be more . . . (A stern, philosophical look from Socr. quiets the reporter.) Socrates: We have viewed various positions and we seem to have agreed that, indeed, some two of the columns must be more distant than either one of the same two is with any other column. Philosophical contradictions to this could be advanced using the bases of position in time and space, but, for our purposes, it can be said that external appearances indicate a relative distance between any two col- umns. Is that not true? Reporter: Well, I guess . . Socrates: And does not our theory of what is good and what is contrary to goodness am- plify this? Reporter: Well, if you say so. Socrates: I do. Then if these assertions be true, does not that prove that some of them are far apart? Reporter: Socrates, I am afraid that I do not un- derstand. Socrates: Let me then illuminate my point with an example. Say that you are a stone mason. Now, since you are a stone ma- son, you must have, pardon the pun, something to concrete work with. This requires water and sand and other tangi- ble objects. There, doll, it is any clearer? Reporter: What, oh great one, has a stone mason to do with good and bad? In fact, Soc sweetie, what has good, etc., got to do with the columns? Answer me that. Socrates: Look, you. If you don't get off my philo- sophical back, I'll blackball you so fast you won't even be able to get a job on an off-campus publication! How you like them apples, huh? Reporter: And what, exactly, is an apple? Socrates: That did it! First you throw a sneaky question like "Which two columns are farthest apart?" at me. Then you alla time agree with me. Then you upstage me with fancy answers like "Certainly, Socrates," and "That's very true, Socra- tes." And if that isn't enough, you don't even give me a chance to be humble and prove that I don't know nothing as much as the next guy like Plato did. O.K., if that's the way you're gonna play, you can just work out that old problem by yourself! Look, IF it's not too much trouble, could you hail me a chariot? I got a date with a Susie. She's got a different view of the columns . . . This Space for Taking Lecture Notesl Miller's Inter-Fraternity Council Pre-Game Activities Over the Campi and into the Bushes by Heming Ernestway and Jerry Goe He went. But that does not matter. What matters that he went like a man, strong and hon- est and true. That is what mat- ters. He went straight past them all, past the shiftless eyes and the gaping mouths. He went straight into the sun, into the camaraderie of the others who were men and who were like him. He went straight up to the window. "I am here," he said. "What is your name " she said. "That does not matter," he said. "What matters is that I am here and that I am a man and I am honest and strong and good and true and sick." "What is your name," she said. Only then did he notice the tiny pin in her lapel. "Giuseppe!" he said. "Paizon! It is good to see you again, Giu- seppe. Remember the old days, Giuseppe? Eh, paizon? Remem- ber how we were men together in the old days, Giuseppe? Re- member how we fought side by side in the old days, Giuseppe? Remember that hill, Giuseppe? Remember that hill on seven- teenth street, Giuseppe? That was a real hill, eh, paizon? Re- member how we charged up that hill, Giuseppe? Remember the broken glass and the rocks, Giu- seppe? Remember how the boche threw the rocks and the bottles instead of using switchblades like real men do, eh Giuseppe? Re- member how they hit you in the temple with that bottle, Giusep- pe? Remember that I carried you all the way up the hill because you were out cold, Giuseppe? Re- member that I laid you gently among the broken bottles at the top of the hill because I knew that you would want it that way, to be there on the top of that hill, with the boche running the other way and all the real men there on the top of the hill? Remem- ber that, Giuseppe? Eh, paizon?" "You are sick," she said. She placed him in a chair and gave him a thermometer. He was glad she did that. It made him feel good. The girl came in and sat down. "Have you been waiting long?" she said. "No," he said, "not long." "Are you hurt?" she said. "Not much," he said. "It is a man-thing." "May I call you grandfather?" she said. "Yes," he said. "I shall call you Rabbit." "That is good," she said. "I am glad that you will call me Rab- bit." "I am glad that you are glad," he said. "Why are we here?" she said. "It is not a good place." "No," he said. "It is not a good place. I shall have Giuseppe get us a well-chilled cask of Amonti- erregundillado. It is not a good wine, but it is an honest wine. It is the only wine for good men." "I am not a man, grandfather," she said. "No," he said. "You are not a man. I can tell." "I am glad that you can tell," she said. "I am glad that you are glad," he said. "What shall we do with the wine?" she said. "We shall drink it," he said "We shall drink it with honor and truth. We shall find a quiet (Continued on page 37) Showme Sweethearts Kansas Jayhawks, if you're gonna lose, what better way to go than in a stadium filled with color, pageantry and the radience of cheerleader Margie Farmer. Margie's pert, bouncy, a Theta from Jefferson City - and has the sweetest smile in the Col- lege of Education. The Tigers' victory over the California Bears held a special meaning for our ex- ploring pinup, Carrie Steu- ben. Carrie's a 5-8 luring lovely from Montebello, Cal- ifornia. Brown-eyed Carrie is a junior pre-journalism major who planned to attend 01' Mizzou since the eighth grade. If anybody can steal the show from a Devine power sweep, it's the divine Miss frolicking through her paces on this page. "M" is for Mar- gie - and Mizzou - and Magnificent - and Mega- phones, which can be used to cheer football teams, and also to say, "Three cheers for Margie!" Since the Mizzou decision, Carrie kept busy by editing her junior college's newspa- per, warding off male fenc- ing foils, earning top grades and generally making the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce happy. Showme suggests Lathrop Hall is the new home of the nation's Decoration of Inde- pendents. THE NEW SHOWME by Mike Miner BuT DARLING, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I Didn't EVen by an Issue! someone gave this copy to me! OH AGnes, you're MAKIng ME FEEL. So WRETCHEd. CAN'T yoU SEE i HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! YES THEY PITIED ME. THEy SAID "HOW COULD HE AND "YOU MUST FEEL AWFUL. AND I DID i FELT SMALL AND ASHAMED, AND WHEN I WENT HOME I CRIED AND CAN'T YOU SEE HOW YOU'VE HUMILIATED ME. ALL THE GIRLS WERE SHOWING OFF THE MAGAZINES THEIR BOYS BROUGHT BACK FROM SCHOOL AND WHEN I SHOWED THAT THING I, I THINK THEY ACTUALLY PITIED ME. I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SO IMPORTANT! GEORGE DOESN'T MATTER. IT WAS PUT OUT BY YOUR UNIVERSITY, 50 yOU'LL HAVE TO SHARE THE BLAME! IT'S EVERYtHING, GEORGE. I MEAN, IF THERE WASN'T ONE AT ALL, THAT WOULDN'T BE Too BAP BECAUSE I COULD SAY IT HAD BEEN BANNED AND THEN I'D SEEM TERRIBLY IMPORTANT BUT IT'S THERE, you CAN'T HIDe IT AND IT'S CLEAN! THAT'S TRUE, AGNES BUT AT LEAST IT'S FUNNY, TOO. YOU'RE BEING IRRELEVANT GEORGE. AND IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, THERE'S A DOUBLE MEANING HERE AND THERE THAT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE To MAKE SoMETHING OUT oF. GEORGE UNDERSTAND ME! WHEN I SHowED IT To THE OTHER GIRLS NOT ONE OF THEM SAID IT WAS SHOCKING AND DIRTY, NO ONE GOT EMBARRASSED, NO ONE GIGGLED, THERE WERE NO OFF-CoLoR REFERENCES FOR ME TO EXPLAIN, ALL THE OTHER GIRLS WERE ACTING So GROWN-UP AND I JUST FELT CHEAP AND IMMATURE OH, AGNES, I'VE TRIED TO MAKE YOU PROOD OF ME. I SMOKE A PIPE NOW, AND I WEAR A VEST, AND I'M A FABIAN. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH? IT MIGHT WORK FOR A WHILE, GEORGE. BUT THEN SOMEBODY, PROBABLY THE BOYFRIEND OF SOME GIRL I HATE, IS GOING To SAY, RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY, "HEH, GEORGE, I UNDERSTAND YOUR SCHOOL HAS A CLEAN HUMOR MAGAZINE." AND EVERYONE GOING To THINK, "PooR AGNES HER BOYFRIEND'S A FINK." JUST THINK WHAT IT WILL DO TO MY IMAGE, GEORGE, WELL, IT MAy BE WELL, IT MAY BE CLEAN, BUT IT'S FUNNY, IMAGINATIVE AND CLEVER. DOESN'T THAT MATTER? NO! I GEORGE, I'LL BE FRANK WITH YOU. WHEN yOU COME AGAIN AT CHRISTMAS I WANT you TO BRING BACK AN IssuE THATS SO SHOCKING IT MADE THE MAGAZINE BE THROWN OFF CAMPUS FOREVER AND ALL THE EDITORS BE EXPELLED, AND i WANT THE STORY IN ALL THE NEWSPAPERS ANP IF you COULD GET ON SOCIAL PRO I WOULD SURELY APPRECIATE IT. i WANT TO BE A BIG GIRL, GEORGE. I WANT TO BE SENIOR CLASS SWEETHEART AND i CAN'T DO IT UNLESS I GO WITH A REALLY COOL COLLEGE MAN. BUT... AGNES! BUT HAVE you SEEN HIS SCHOOL'S HUMOR MAAGZINE, GEORGE? IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TRASH I'VE EVER READ. I'D BE PROUD TO BE HIS STEADY! OH, GEORGE you JusT DoN'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT SMUT Do you? i MEAN IT, GEORGE. IF YOU EMBARRASS ME LIKE THIS AGAIN I'LL RETURN YOUR PLEDGE PIN AND GO STEADY WITH BOSLEY! O AGNES! I'D DIE BEFORE I'D EVER LOSE YOU TO BOSLEY, I PROMISE, I'LL TRY To GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED, IT STILL SEEMS WRONG THAT SO MuCH WIT, AND CLEVERNESS AND SATIRE SHOULD BE SACRIFICED FoR SMUT. SMUT! WHAD AGNES? IT SEEM'S SO MUCH MORE SOPHISTICATED. FAVORITE By Frank Weltner ACTUAL FACTS COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN COLUMBIA TRIBUNE MANEATER Fifty thousand alumni re- turn for KU-MU Homecom- ing. MU wins. Throngs Fill Memorial Sta- dium; MU Romps Over KU! A-OK! MU Upsets the University of Kansas; KU Defense Shines Tough, Terrific Tigers Trounce Touted Out-of-Towners! A small sink hole is discov- ered at the NW corners of Jones Hall. Slight Landslide Disrupts Housemothers; A-OK! Univesity Faces Danger! Good Chances of Large- Scale Cave-in!! Hurry! Boxload of Morton's Cherry Pies Found in Old Kentucky Hole. Three hundred students contract food poisoning at Pershing Cafeteria. Twelve Students Reported to Health Clinic Last Month With Stomach Virus; A-OK! Five Thousand University Students Die! Three Hundred Ill at Per- shing Cafeteria. University Shirks Responsibility. The annual Savitar Frolic Skits are cancelled when several Greek houses de- cide not to enter. Skits Cancelled at Univer- sity; A-OK! University Fails Miserably in Skit Fiasco! TRADITION DOOMED! (see juicy editorial & cute Ron Powers Cartoon some- where inside) Suzanne's HEADLINES WILLIAMS HOUSE WORD SAVITAR YEARBOOK COLUMBIA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE BULLETIN Aren't We Glad We're Independents? Columbia Welcomes Beta Alums 50,000 Consumers Enter Columbia Area! Aren't We Glad We're Independents? Beta House Not Threatened by Cave-In Developers Summoned to Discuss New Limestone Deposits at University! Aren't We Glad We're Loeb Group Independents? Betas Volunteer Aid To Stricken G.D.I.'s Much Money for Cooks. Pharmaceuticals Up. Aren't We Glad We Didn't Can- cel Until the Show Was Can- celled? Aren't We Gung-Ho Independents? Smith, Hull Unable To Repeat as M.C.'s (with 2 pages of living color shots of the empty stage) No Influx of Parents Of Skitters Dark Side West "Why don't you kids beat it?" "Hottest little number in the whole dorm." The Novus Shop People who buy MANEATER and skim it every Wednesday get 58% of the jokes in Showme. People who buy MANEATER and read it in their lectures every Wednes- day get 82% of the jokes in Showme. People who buy MANEATER and scour it from front to back get 100% of the jokes in Showme. People who scour MANEATER from front to back over somebody's shoulder also get 100% of the jokes in Showme. But they lose friends. BE INFORMED! BE LIKED! BUY MANEATERI 10c IT IS SAFER TO USE THE UNDERPASS "Boy, you played much basketball?" "Here's some pictures of my family." 32 Gene Glenn Shoes SHOWME is written by and for Missouri University Stu- dents. Manuscripts, Cartoons and Donations may be sub- mitted in Room 302, Read Hall. Thanx! THE VET sTUDENT.. THE PsycH STUDENT. Tell Neff Gives the State Of the Union As Seen by THE HUNgry STUDEnt THE Ag STudENT . the ROTC student .THE Cruy wHO AIN'T NO mORe A STuENt Woolf Brothers "They told me I was 4-F back at Mizzou - but they said grades weren't everything." Lamb's Jewelry "It beats Mystical Seven." That's all right - the University Book Store can order it for you. NoDoz CAMPI bus and ride and drink the wine and look at the stars." "We cannot look at the stars," she said. "It is day." "That makes no difference," he said. "I am glad that makes no dif- ference," she said. "But let us not go through that bit again." "I shall go," he said. "I shall obtain the cask of Amontierre- gundillado." He walked to the window, straight and unveering from his course. "Giuseppe," he said, "pai- zon, fetch us a well-chilled cask of Amontierregundillado." She ran screaming from be- hind the window and fled. "I obscenity in the milk of thy cowardice," he said. "Mauvais mot." He returned to the girl. Giu- seppe has gone chicken," he said. He will not give us the cask of Amontierregundillado." We shall have to do it without the wine." "That is good," she said. "Come, Rabbit," he said. "Let us go." "Yes," she said. "This is not a good place." They left together. They walk- ed straight and honestly into the sun. They did not get far before they were captured. The lion walked up to the leo- pard. "Why aren't you big and strong and fearless like me?" The leopard replied, "Because you are the king of the jungle." The lion walked up to the tiger. "Why aren't you big and strong and fearless like me?" The Tiger replied, "Because you are the king of the jungle." Then the lion walked up to the mouse. "Why aren't you big and strong and fearless like me?" And the mouse replied, "Be- cause I've been sick." What is black and gold, six inches long, and weighs 3 ounces? A sick Tiger. I don't get it. Well, any Tiger 6 inches long and weighing 3 ounces is going to be sick. 1984 HIT PARADE Five feet, two Heads of blue. Gee what those two heads can do. Has anybody psi'd my wrunx? All children born after the nu- clear explosion of March 3, 1973, were deaf, mute and telepathic. After the explosion of August 12, 1979, there were no more men and women; there were 3 genders: wrunx, flurgoflook and unrphze. Town & Country Contributor's Page A flash of wit, a streak of ink, and a hearty "Who took my copy pencil?" - Showme's child prod- igy writes again. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, as we pick up on Mike Miner, our feature editor, in the second grade. This is kind of hard to do, you understand, because Mike skipped the second grade, and the sixth, in Canadian schools. That's why, even though he's a J-school senior, he'll have to wait two more years before he's old enough to . . . vote. Mike spent long enough in high school to turn out a script for a senior class show, which he classifes as his "No. 1 proud memory." "Unfortunately," sobs Mike, "I took all the bows away from Becky Graham (Chi-O Homecoming Queen candidate) who did all the dirty work . . . I wish I could do it all over again Mike served his freshman term at Rolla (he comes from a long line of Miners) but came to Co- lumbia as the "Prodigal Prodigy of 1960." Hiding behind a pair of foggy glasses, he wrote Best Side Story, first of the Indepen- dent Savitar Frolics skits. In the wake of this smashing success, he wrote a skit for this year (last of the Independent Savitar Frol- ics skits) which, he says, is his No. 1 heartbreak. Now Mike spends his time hanging around the Missourian sports desk and looking for the Showme offices, which are hid- den in strategic places all over the campus. In his spare time he attends Mr. Beeching's Playwrit- ing class, where he hopes to be discovered. "It was here that I found out how bad I am," he grimaces, "but I'm undaunted." All we can say is, "Don't feel like the Lone Ranger." Mike Miner Tell Neff 38 Tell Neff was writing captions for senior photographs to appear in his high school yearbook one day. Beneath the photo of one of his classmates, he penciled "He's found what he wants in life. Here's hoping he'll be happy with himself." Beneath another photo, Tell wrote "Hard work and a little mouth never hurt anybody." Another - "I'm a joker who likes to eat. Got any spare ribs you wanna trade?" Escaping with his life from that senior class in Jefferson City, Showme's most madcap writer with the campus's most unlikely name descended upon the University this fall, where he immediately became the Milton Berle of the classroom. "Why can't you give me the answer to this problem?" his math teacher asked him recently. "I think it's still in my pencil," mumbled Neff. But Tell has his serious mo- ments. "Sunrises are bad news," he was heard to say once, "be- cause you have to get up to watch them." Tell wants to be a journalist and a drum major and a jazz pi- anist and a folk singer and a stage manager when he grows up. Don't laugh - he's done them all already. With a complete jazz style already developed, he has won national awards, including the John Phillip Sousa award, for his jazz, band and orchestra performances. Asked for a philosophical ob- servation to sum up his theory of existence and thus end this blurb on a snappy note, Tell thought a moment. A Students Guide To The M-Store When you get inside the door you will find a series of pigeon- holes. They are for pigeons. Seri- ously, they are to put your books and packages in. You will be confronted with Mer- chandise. Browse around. If you aren't going to buy anything keep your hands to yourself. Better yet, leave. Your books will not be re- turned to you. Walk past the cashiers. Watch it. They like to trip. After you have purchased as much as your fat little arms will hold, go directly to the cashier. Don't forget to ask for your 5% purchase receipt. Pick up your pig- eons as you leave. The New Missouri Book Store Salem Cigarettes