Missouri Showme December, 1931 Missouri Showme December, 1931 2008 1931/12 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193112

Missouri Showme December, 1931; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1931

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Missouri Showme Dec. 15 cents "Anymore Yale Men Present?" Burlesk Number THE MISSOURI SHOWME J.C. Penny Co. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three UNIVERSITY SHOPPE Tiger Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. DR. G. E. WARD, Jr. ALPHABETICAL FRUIT OGICDX. NX? S. LMNO X. MR Onions. "Do you object to petting?" "That's one thing I have never done yet." "Petted ?" "No, objected." -Temple Owl She: There are a lot of couples that don't pet in parked cars. He: Yes, the woods are full of them. -Rice Owl Artist: May I paint you in the nude? Model: Gracious no. I expect you to wear some- thing. -Rice Owl Observe the close resemblance between a game of strip poker and membership in a fraternity. -Utah Humbug Husband: What kind of a day did you have? Wife: Rotten. The iceman didn't come, there were no canvassers and now you come home dead tired. -Brown Jug House Beautiful The New Missouri "Showme" VOL. III. DECEMBER 10, 1931 NO. 4 Godfather O. O. MCINTYRE Editor-in-chief HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Associate Editor, John Redmond Feature Editor, Ben Stone Editorial Board: J. D. White Maxine Bickley Harold V. Clark Art Editor, Herb Roush Margaret Holt Humor Editor, Dorothea Pickett R. B. Lovett Sam Brown Sidney O. Shapiro Poetry Editor, Betsy Holt Kathryn Bayne D. Rendler Editorial Staff: Hertha Luckhart, Shirley Ann Brown, Cleve Kern- dt, Maurice Shadle, Grant An- derson, Oscar Korbholz Office Clerk, Guy Cooper And now, LADEEZ and GENTS, we present THE BUR- LESQUE NUMBER of the SHOWME, purely in a spirit of humor and fun. We sincerely hope that it is received in this same manner. And to show our impartial spirit of sportsmanship (who made the birdie?) and to be fair, we burlesque ourselves to let you know that we know and realize our own weaknesses ..... here it is . . . . let's go! Business Manager GENE W. MOORE Advertising Mgr. ...Robert Race Jane Lindsey Edith Wells Sally Levin John Slagle Circulation Mgr., W. O. McIntire Martha Davis Lolita Brown Caroline Stephenson Marion Kiser Emma B. Offutt Jerry Mills Jane McLeod Elliott Boren Public Relations .--Pat Merritt Copyright, 1931 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex- clusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Published by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Address all communications to THE MISSOURI SHOWME, care Herald-Statesman Bldg., Co- lumbia, Missouri. "NONSENSE, SENSE, and CONSEQUENCE" The Missouri Showme Apologies to The Page Five THE MISSOURI STUDENT BARED!!! EXPOSED!!! STUDENT FINDS VICE PREVAILS ON M. U. CAMPUS. Student Reporter Re- veals Vice Through Detailed Study STUDENT SEEKS REFORM Student Will Conduct Extensive Anti-Vice Campaign-Maybe A Student reporter has been making a detailed study of the manners and customs of students on the Missouri campus. The fol- lowing shocking and painful dis- coveries were made by the Stu- dent reporter. Out of every one hundred stu- dents, 87.6 tip their soup plates backward or forward; 58.9 stu- dents paste chewing gum on the bottoms of the class-room chairs; 99.9 girls do not wear galoshes when it rains; 76.3 men wear spats. The Student will take steps in initiating a reform in the near fu- ture. If you have any angle in the world that you want exposed, just tell THE STUDENT about it and we will expose it. That's our business . . . if you don't know about it, read THE STU- DENT but if you do know about it . . . don't read anything at all. PAN-HELLENIC PANS HELL OUT OF ORCHESTRAS In Co-operation With Student Something Will Be Done LEADERS PUT ON SPOT Investigation Committee Suggests Records as Substitute That the campus orchestras have been bleeding the student body for the past ninety years is the latest ex- cavation of the Pan-Hel Council, in co-operation, of course, with THE STUDENT. Following a charge of unfair com- petition by some of the more out- moded bands in town, an investigation was held, wherein it was discovered that orchestras certainly had their bloody nerve to charge enough for a snap job like theirs to enable them to get through school, especially since any damned fool can play in an or- chestra with no training nor invest- ments for instruments. A motion was made and floored that something cer- tainly ought to be done about it. The investigation committee re- ported that victrola records should be used and that the following orchestra leaders be put on the spot: Bonny Boy McHigher, Sob & Slam Pilem, Gall Yohnson and Soapie IDates. All of the above were duly spotted, ex- cept Dates, who unfortunately was unable to attend the meeting because of a strange vice of his known as re- hearsing. STUDENT IS RIGHT Just as we predicted, there IS something wrong with our foot- ball team. In our rag next week, we will expose the whole matter. HA! STUDENT REVEALS CO-OP SEET-YE-ATION! Student Investigation Makes Startling Discoveries STUDENT SEEKS REFORM Student Will Conduct Extensive Anti-Co-Op Campaign Soon Rumor and argument have been centered about the CO-OP Uni- versity bookstore. The Missouri Student presents these unvarn- ished facts and startling discov- eries, found in a recent investiga- tion. The CO-OP sells books, paper, stamps, rubber-bands, pens, can- dy, pennants, and similar articles. It rents typewriters. It gives prof- it-sharing checks with each pur- chase. It has a sales personnel of seven clerks. It is hoped that this information will relieve the tension created by the CO-OP situation. Exposition through courtesy the Minnourian Student. MINNOURIAN IS WRONG The Columbia Minnourian which appeared on the campus yesterday with the story that the University is going to the dogs was wrong - decidedly so! It should have read: "The Univer- sity has gone .... etc." Page Six Burlesquing The Missouri Student The Missouri Showme THE MINNOURI STUDENT OBSERVATION POST The Tri-Delts are always bothered with an infernal triangle-three of them, in fact. OP hears that the Delta Gammas are being anchored at home; we wonder why? ? ? And then the expression "straight as an arrow" IS somewhat misleading when associated with the Pi Phi's, eh? ? Perhaps the Kappas have the key to the situation. OP hears that complaints have arisen about the Thetas flying kites in their yard. First we ever heard of KATs flying kites. (ha! ha!) The Phi Moos have a new cow; we always new they had good looking calves -but never thought they'd grow up. OP learns that the Delts will stop star-gazing during Lent. This will give the Thetas a rest between shows. Op has found that the silent number of the Jail is 0000-ain't this sumpin? OP has developed upon this new game for the week: Ten people get together in one room-one looks at the other nine and gives a birdie; the other nine beat hell out of him. Try it and then write me and let me know how it worked. QUAD-RANGLES To the editor: Have you noticed that each so- rority has a certain place in Jesse Hall where they stand and wait for Jelly Dates? Why can't you use your great authority, as you did in the Co-Op investigation, the campaign for longer Xmts holidays, and the room rent squabble, to bust up these groups? Why don't the girls mix up? Ain't this a democratic country, I guess? Or if that isn't possible, why not make the sorority lease the spot, the funds paid for the lease going to the University treasury, if there still is one. -M. T. Dear Editor: I noticed in the Quad column that C. E. laments the fact that the frats and sorors are wasting food. My frat ain't wasting food. We've had hash for the last three days. If that is wasting food--- -Athos SOCIAL CALENDAR The social calendar for this week includes: FRIDAY W.C.T.U. Convention - Polo Field, Midnight on. Inter-Frat Sewing Circle-Bat- terlee's Book Shop informal; 6:30 to 8 P. M. SATURDAY Phi Beta Kappa Rush party- Rock Quarry, 4 A. M. Kappa Sig Slumber Party-all day. Zeta Beta Tau Pig Roast-U. S. Cafe on Hiway 40-6 A. M. S. A. E. Fashion Show-Broad- way & Ninth-8 A. M. Burrall Bible Class Brawl- Jamy's Dance Hall-midnite to sunrise. SUNDAY Kappa Beta Phi & T. N. E. Sun- rise breakfast-2 A. M. Piano Recital by Cal Coolidge- Jesse Aud., 8:30 A. M. Sig Ep lawn party-2:30 P.M. A. D. Pi-Easter Egg hunt- Rollins Field-5-9 P.M. A. Chi Omega Carnival-chapter house backyard-11 P.M. Alpha Gamma Delta Revival- Ag campus-midnite. STAGE DOOR JOHNNY SAYS Having just seen the Workhouse-no, pardon us-Workshop production Mourn- ing Becomes Electra by Eugene O'Neill, we can only hope that the author did not see or hear of it. The first three of the fifteen acts were not so good-and, hav- ing slept through the remaining nine hours, we can't pass judgment on those twelve acts. The bare stage was particularly effec- tive in setting off the superb acting while the nuances of voice inflections reverbe- rated effectively. The innovation of no lighting was very subtle. Sewer Field House "BOTTOMS UP" Sixteenth Annual Journalism Show. The Missouri Showme Apologies to The Page Seven COLUMBIA MINNOURIAN 24 Years Columbia, Minnouri, December, 1931 Number XXX IN THE WAY OF OUR WORLD ANY DAY'S NEWS Gussie Glutz, age 11, of Peoria, recently drank twelve bottles of beer in twelve minutes, and there- by won the amateur beer drinking endurance con- test, sponsored by the United Bottle Works Co., of that city. Herbert Hoover, presi- dent and former college man, payed a visit to Co- lumbia and the University of Missouri. It has been rumored that Herbie is here on official business with Walter Williams, whom we all know is president of the University. A northbound express elevated train, packed with tired workers rushing home to their suppers, crashed into a south- bound local train at Sixth Avenue and 47th Street in New York City today. Two hundred undentified persons have been taken from the entanglement, while rescue workers are still digging for three hun- dred more women, men, and children as we go to press this afternoon. Three-fourths of the downtown section of Jop- lin, Mo., caved in today when miners dug beneath the city. All communica- tions with that city at noon today were still impos- sible. A lone, masked bandit entered one of the local banks here today and held it up. (What a man!) Af- ter locking the president, secretary, and eighteen tell- ers in the safe, he managed to escape with $18,000,000 and the president's private stenographer. Local police have been notified to be on the lookout for him. Comments on Life "I'm tired of leading a dog's life."-Oscar. And Some Verse See the moon, I think it's swell, If you don't like it, go to hell ! BOONE COUNTY BUGS TO HOLD GETTOGETHER 3 Million Local Farmers Aid in Plan TALKS, BYGUMFOR Annual Ag Insect Song Fest Will Be Thrown Two thousand farmers representing all portions of the United States have gathered at the Agricul- tural School for the First Annual Potato Bug Calling Contest. Dean Gumfor in his welcoming address, said: "With Hog Calling Con- tests such a success, I am glad to welcome a new and valuable hobby in this here contest. By calling all the potato bugs together it is much easier to kill them. All for all, and one for all, if you know what I mean." Hosiah Hicks, Washing- ton, D. C. expressed the fear that Mizzouri potato bug wouldn't understand the farmers from other lo- calities. COMING EVENTS Mr. and Mrs. William (Bill) Strikme, former Journalism students, an- nounce the coming birth of little Willie Junior (possibly) or little Helen sometime in 1932. . .may- be. A Baby Boy to the Zelches An 8-lb. bouncing laddy was born yesterday morn- ing at 6:45 and 10 seconds Central Standard Time to Mr. & Mrs. Omar Zelch. Mrs. Zelch was formerly Salie Klotz, former student here. Youse is losing opportun- ities if youse don't use this paper for your ads. The Whether For Columbia and vicinity: Gen- erally fair and warmer tonight and every night; Heavy snow by X'mas, as usual. Continued whether or not. For Mo: Same as above, you idjit. For Alas- ka: slightly colder to cold; for Siberia- darn cold; Skipper's broadcast: 130 de- grees Centigrade. Clear skies will pre- vail until darkness at night. AGS TO ROUND- TABLE ON NEW BOTANY FREAK Farmers Forget Farm-Relief in New Toy NATURE, MYSTERY Hope Novel Plant Will Stabilize Wheat Mart Much interest is being shown in a new species of plant which has been grow- ing in the Agricultural Ex- perimental Gardens. Noted scholars from Sedalia have examined it and state that it is a cross between an electric light and a Purple garter snake. The legal name is Brightanicus Snakenicus. J. Hector Sneek, janitor of the Cow Barn, has ex- pressed the opinion that it is a dandelion. Authorities at the Ag school threaten to sue Mr. Sneek for libel and alimony. POPULATION IN- CREASES Mr. and Mrs. Bringem Young, Salt Lake City, an- nounce the birth of the 149th Light Infantry which arrived according to schedule last week. The Minnourian joins the mul- titude in welcoming the 149th Light Infantry. BOY SCOUTS BANDY BIFFS IN BIG BRAWL Boy Scouts to Sow Sunshine in Suburbs SCOUTS SAY NERTS Boy Scouts Believe Minnourian Ads is Damn Good The Boy Scouts, youth- ful short-pants organiza- tion, will hold its regular Friday night meeting at its regular meeting place in the Baptist Church base- ment. A lecture will be giv- en by Honest Duty. Mr. Duty will talk on "Court- esy as one now expects it." The joint meeting of all troups will be the Decem- ber feature; fires will be built by the Tenderfoots by the match and coal oil method. Since this will be such an unusual news item, The Columbia Minnourian will devote the entire front page to it. She Raised Him Two Mrs. Elivira Golden- honker presented her hus- band, Si, with twins this A.M. Si, is the open-pok- er champion. The editor joins their many friends in wishing that all their trou- bles may be little ones. Special to the Minnour- ian - (I.P.) - The Four Marx Brothers announce that they will soon become the Marx Sextet, accord- ing to word received here from Groucho and Harpo, who have been doing some extensive traveling lately. Mr. and Mrs. Gus Gay- boy announce the birth of their third 11-lb. rascal, born Friday 13th. You are losing opportu- nities if you don't advertise with this rag. Page Eight Apologies to the Columbia .Missourian The Missouri Showme The Columbia Minnourian Published Every Darn Day by THE JOURNALISM SCHOOL STUDENTS (God Bless Them, The Rascals) E. A. SODYCRACKER, mgr. Boss, & TREASURER.. Entered at the Postoffice as Lousy Mail Matter. Subscription rates ...........$2.50 a pint. Business Telephone ................. 4302. General News ........................ 0000. Private News .................... 0001. Corporal Scoops ............. . ....0002. Items marked (I.P.) are used because that is the only way we get real news. All other news originates in the Presidents Conference. OUR POLICY To make as much money as possible with the least expense necessary to achieve this aim. GIVE A GLANCE AT THESE EDITORIALS ARE YOU DOING YOUR PART? Within the past few months auto- mobile accidents have occurred in Co- lumbia. Only yesterday, little Junior Fleshpot, (the rascal) was knocked down while dragging his sister across the street. Are you doing your part? Bla, bla, bla, while on the other hand, hooey, hooey, hooey. In shorty, to sum up the argument, we say -hooey- blooey! WHAT OTHERS SAY From the HELABENDER DAILY BLURB- Within the past few weeks bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, and others say that hooey, hooey, hooey, hooey, and one hooey-bla-bla. Is this right? We esk? No, of cuss, nut! But, ah-hal But, bla, bla, bla bla, bla, bla, and three hundred hoo- eys! In Memoriam P. K. You don't wait on US But . We Did ! ! SOCIETY Mr. Joe and Mr. Sebastian Bagg, mem- bers of Rho Like Hell fraternity, have returned to Columbia from a visit with friends in Westphalia. Miss Beulah Belch spent the holidays with her parents in Westphalia. Mr. O'Hara McTurk returned last night from a short business trip to West- phalia. Mr. and Mrs. Gus Glotz of Westphalia announce the engagement of their daugh- ter, Saphronia, to Mr. Ethelbert Whif- flesniffer, son of Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales Whifflesniffer, also of Westphalia. The wedding will take place in May at West- phalia. Miss Lena Little of Westphalia so- journed for the week-end at the Chi Beta Chi House. Mr. Nero Hottstuff drove up from Westphalia Friday night to have dinner at the Landa Deala House. He depart- ed right afterwards. Mr. and Mrs. Angus Jones-Smythe, formerly of Columbia, are now at home in Westphalia. This column is leased by the West- phalia Chamber of Commerce. GALLSTONE'S COAL At The Theaters - - - with SINUS-SCREAM PASSING PASSION AND POSSESSION "Usan Kleenex, Her Eyes and All," is the Minnouri's current distraction for this week, with Greta Gargle and the handy Clark Gobble as co-spar. Miss Gargle as the simple (Oh, yeah? She knew what she wanted- and got it) farm girl, betrayed and de- serted, gives herself in a passionate performance. THE CRISCO KID "The Crisco Kid" with Barner Wax- ter at the Vawsity this week and may- be next, if the crowds do show up this week. Waxter again is out gallant two-gun hero and the show is a regular two-bit feature. Also selected short features vary- ing from sing-song hooey to "What the musk-rat wears during the fall season." You'll die when you see these short features. Our news reels are always a month to a year late. Central Dairy Too Late to Classify IN MEMORY of a dear departed friend. There's an empty place m my room, where you stood a week ago. You were not long for this world. I couldn't drink slow. FOR RENT-Room for male or te- male student, ten by six feet. Bedding changed monthly. Stone's throw from Jesse Hall (if you're handy with a sling shot.) LOST-One heel between the Sigma Phi Sigma House and Delta Delta De- ta House, Homecoming Week-end. Finder may keep same and no ques- tions answered. NOTICE, my wife having left me, bored, I will not be responsible for her depths.-C. F. I. Kare. PERSONAL-Oscar, come back. You were right. I was wrong. He looks like you. P.S. You got the job. Nellie. WILL EXCHANGE-1 five-gallon crock, 65 empty bottle, syphon and capper for new lining for stomach (galvanized preferred). Address Box BERP in care of the Minnourian. WILL PARTY who found blanket at Rock Quarry return to L. & F. Edi- tor of this paper and no questions or answers asked. (Will keep mum it you will). THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine NEW CHEVROLET SIX Page Ten Burlesquing The Savitar Queens The Missouri Showme Miss Shinola Scuttlebomm* Miss Zonite Zonkker* * Editor's Girl Friend Miss Glora Gladgal* Miss Lucille Lowswung* The Missouri Showme Burlesquing The College Farmer Page Eleven Right, Dapple Nellie Grey, for fifteen years the fastest little trotting mare of the Ag school. The main feature of this little filly is the hair on her neck. She has soft expressive brown eyes and will make a wonderful watch dog for our alumni. Give her to your friends for Christmas, or better yet tell your friends you've given her to them, then raise a hue cry of "Horse stole." And they will be lynched for horse thieves. Thousands of our subscribers have got- ten rid of friends in this easy manner. Send for free book- let (enclose 25 cents). Left, exclusive photo of the proposed reconstructed agricultural au d it or ium. This fine "Whoeeee Center" (as we call it in a spirit of was made possible through the efforts of Sen- ator Mudd of Clay county. It was after his speech on "The Live Stock Courses are a Lot of Bull and What of it?" the Senate woke up and voted for this building. Senator Hola Mudd was one of our boys. He now has a bill before the house for re- vising the Home-Ec build- ing to resemble a chicken house. Watch for the exclu- sive photo in next months Farmer. Burlesquing Ourselves The Missouri Showme He: How did you like your date last night? She: //&&%$ ! **/@@?? !!!! And what did you say YOUR name was? He: The bull and the cow lowed and lowed for each other. She: Yeh, they were two of a kine. (Kine- get it ?) Barco the printer: When does a pullet become a hen? Jack the Clothier: When she loses her first foot race. And what did you say your NAME was? A cub reporter should be a bear for news. (Bear-get it?) A Wall Street operator picked up a Mother Goose book and started to read, "There was a crook- ed man . . ." Thinking it was a biography of him- self he flung the book in the corner. (Get it? He was a nasty ole meany-he was crooked .. . see?) Page Twelve He: There's a chink in the wall. She: What's a Chinaman more or less? AND what did you say your name was? He:Let's burn up the darn road. She: Hell, I'd rather leave a cold trail. And WHAT did you say your name was? A scotchman never has any loose change. (Loose change-get it?) And what DID you say your name was? He: I wish we could have a bath when we ar- rive. She: Hell, let's soap. (Let us hope-see?) And what did YOU say your name was? He: Hell, how do you like your new radio? She: Damn, it's a hummer. And what did you SAY your name was? The Missouri Showme Burlesquing Ourselves He: Why is the Fat Lady so blue? She: Some one gave her a lap dog and she has no lap. (Savvy this one?) And what did you say your name WAS? She: What was that magazine I seen you with last night? He: That was no magazine, that was the SHOWME. He: Does she call a spade a spade? She: Hell yeh, and HOW! He: He has a mint of money. She: Who? He: Uncle Sam. (You see, Uncle Sam, that is the U. S. government has a mint where they keep and make a lot of money.) He: I'm going to plant my feet in the garden this very minute. She: Hell, they're big enough. Page Thirteen He: How the hell do you like the SHOWME? She: &&%$" " "??!@@@,!** We call her Crazy Annie because--oh, well, for no reason at all. He: Why is a bald headed man like heaven? She: Hell, because if she dropped them they'd break. He: Why does an hen lay an egg? She: Because there is no parting there. Once upon a time a girl went riding with a man and when they reached a dark lonely road he stop- ped the car and said: "Girl, there's something wrong with the engine. So .... he gets out and opens his tool kit and proceeds to repair the engine; gets back in the car and drives the girl home. Moral: Don't go out with a mechanic! IF YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SEEING THE CARTOONS AS THEY SHOULD BE-GET YOUR MIRROR! ! Page Fourteen AND Burlesquing Ourselves Obituary Notes A model man Was Harry Clyde; His tombstone reads- "He lived; he died." DID YOU The Missouri Showme Jones tried to turn A corner sharp. We hope he's playing On a harp. We offer prayers For Clarence Knopp, Who argued with A traffic cop. NAME WHAT Fishie, fishie in the brook, They swim and swim and play and play, My sister's got a horse. Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was white as snow, You can't swim in a pool room, But that's not Mary's fault. SAY YOUR We mourn the loss Of Benny Peck, Who tried to pass A rubber check. WAS? THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Fifteen THE MANURIA ALUMNUS News of Some of Our Old Alums Spurn Gladhand Splander, Damma Axe & Cry, Delta Dam- ma, has gone into the hands of the receivers. Stoo, bad, Spurnie. Spurn is well remembered as the official glad-hand girl during Homecoming and participated in welcoming all the old soaks back to dear ole almy mater. Spurn also took part in all the Home- coming pitchers that were taken. "I am always glad to pose for a pitcher" says little Spurnie. Blank Expression, Dapper Al- pher, of radio fame during his col- lege career, is now broadcasting over Station HOOEY from St. Looey. In his spare time, Blank comes back to Columbia to assist in making the Journalism Show what it is today. Butch Makrae, B.J. '?, better known on the campus as "Butch" and "Deeder Deeder" has chang- ed his address from downstairs at 4444 Blotz Avenue, Dallas, to up- stairs at 4444 1/2 Blotz Avenue, Dallas. Butch now lives in Dal- las. Baby Ruth Fight, Y Phi '28, '29, '30 has returned back to her native state to help her old man train thoroughbreds for the next Kentucky derby. Stay right in there and fight, Ruthie! Little Harper House Button, from the Dollar Seventy-Five house, who won the B.Y.P.U. flagpole sitting contest while act- ing as president of his eating lodge, is back in school again to take Latin, Greek, and Italian since he plans to go into the fruit raising business. Franny Benny Bennett, WHY SIGH, '30, L.L.B., is now with the firm of Diggem, Diggem, and Dugg in Joplin, Mo. Not bad, Benny! Franny Benny Bennett, WHY SIGH, LL.B. '89 is associated with the law firm of Dumpem, Dumpem, & Dump in the Tall Building, Joplin, Mo. Good luck, Franny. Franny Benney Bennett, WHY SIGH, LL.B. '89 is back in school again to get his law degree. Good luck, Franny. Thomas Bunglefinger, '89 who was a big shot in his day in cam- pus activities and is so well re- membered as chairman of the Honey-Wagon team, is now un- derstudy of One-Eyed Connelley and is making headway as a gate crasher. Thomas had some ex- perience at this both in high school and here on the campus. Good luck, Thomas. Elizabeth Buxom, Y Moo, '30 is back in school again and is still trying to get an education. Good luck, Elizabeth. Helen Beachcomber is now a model for the Raveless Under- wear Company of New York. Good luck, Helen. Rebuked A. Stepp, '30 who is well remembered as the Farmer's Queen choice is now an artist model for flour sack designs. Good luck, Rebuka. Carl A. Goldyrod, of fame and fortune in Workshop productions, has now joined the act of Four Marx Bros. Marx my word, Carl. Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN STREET'S FORD SERVICE Proctor Electric Shop "Look Heah, black boy, that ain't corn licker in that bottle, that's pluto water. You ain't gonna drink that, is you?" "I ain't gonna to nothin' else." "Oh yes you is, too."--Exchange. Customer: One seat, well forward in the center downstairs for tonight's performance. Have you got it? Ticket Ag.: Can you play a fiddle.-Pointer She: Promise you'll love me as long as you live. He: Cross my heart and hope to die.-Jester Doctor: May I kiss you? Nurse: Certainly not, I hate to have a doctor's bill thrust in my face.-Rammer-Jammer. Do you drink? No. Then hold this quart while I tie my shoestring. -Purple Parrot Butler: Who are you, sir? Drunk, (holding a lighted match): I'm Diogenes, looking for a man who hasn't got Athlete's foot. -Voo Doo "Hell, yes," said the devil picking up the phone. -Jack-O-Lantern YELLOW CAB and BAGGAGE SERVICE THE MISSOURI SHOWME Customer: Murads, Please. Drug Clerk: Anything wrong sir ?-Gargoyle A great lover is one who can tell whether a girl is pensive or just sleepy.-Whirlwind Ed: How was your date with the profesor last night ? Co-ed: Oh, just passable.-Ski-U-Mah Girls are like final examinations-They keep a fellow up all night worrying about them and then ask the most foolish questions.-Beanpot They say she used to be the belle of the town. Yes, but someone tolled on her.-Griffin A: Wanna take my sister to the houseparty? B: What does she look like? A: I'll pay half your expenses. B: No thanks, I got a date.-Burr Guy at telephone-Hello-Pi Phi house? Gal at telephone-Yeah- Pi Phi house. Guy at phone-Wrong number.-Whirlwind "An' we'll have a bungalow just lousy wit' honey- suckles."-Record Seventeen Life Savers BUCHROEDER'S Liquid Hare Co. Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME The Showme Show STILL PICKING the turkey from my teeth as I prepare to un- load the "SHOW," I find that I am confronted with one long list of assignments from the editor. Too many things have occurred since our last performance-what with the affairs at Homecoming, the trip to K. U. and of course, the stop-offs in K. C.-and then Thanksgiving .. . The chief has limited me to only one page this time, so I am going to try to crowd as much in as I can . . . and at the end, some of the outstand- ing assignments which we were unable to take care of will be listed . . . so here goes . . . WE NOMINATE for the prize of the month the red-haired Al- pha Chi Omega who, upon re- turning from St. Louis where she "visited" during Thanks- giving, purchased a one-way ticket instead of a round trip fare, thinking the former would be cheaper-at least she says that was her idea . . . but we believe she had so much of St. Louis dur- ing that short stay, she is de- termined to stay away . . . and you can hardly blame her. IS GEORGE Waite really a tap dancer or was Dr. Bill merely giving him the bird . . . and then, we would like to know if it was really Sis Arnold who, during her rest period on the Kappa sleeping porch, was heard to say: "I just love to get polluted?" We know those are not the exact words but they're close enough . . . Ask Mi- lam about the title of his new song... perhaps he will tell you DON RHYNSBURGER sim- ply refused to let Hackethorn take a picture of Cleo of "Was It a Dream" fame and all the time we thought her costume was 0. K. . . Bill Miller really should- n't razz Jimmy about making the "Jelly Team." The only reason Bill didn't make the team was that there weren't enough places for him too . . . LET CHAMP Moulder tell you about wanting a real man at his party in Kansas City . . . we are not surprised at you, Champ . .. Ted Barbee, our Ag bigshot, certainly played the part of a high school boy over the holidays here in Columbia . . We saw him with his little brown jug, but we doubt if it really con- tained anything intoxicating . . . BETTY RANDALL, who was it who threw those kisses to you from the front of Jesse recently? Better be careful, Betty . . don't get into one of those "delta-ular" affairs . . . We have learned that Jean Moore hasn't yet learned the facts of life, according to her Italian prof . . . Perhaps some of the K. A.'s can help us on this one: Does the beacon in Art Christmas's window have the de- sired effect? ? ? If it works as an inducement, let us know . . . We would like to try it, too . . . FRANK CONDON'S new song is even better than his last one, which we thdught was great! See Bottom's Up, if only to hear this really good tone . . . And have you heard this: The pictures in the St. Louis papers showing the Journalism Show's chorus brought a flock of letters from some fantastic . . . He even sent one letter to Walter Williams . . . if you are interested in seeing one of these prize letters, Butter- field will be glad to show you hers . . . ASK Burnis Frederick and D. G. Spencer who the Stephens girls are that they have a crush on . . what men-these lawyers! Carita Bradley is it the trombone player or the rosy-cheeked sax player you like so well? We think it is the former . . . and if we do say, he sure can play that trombone well . .. Do you recall that night before the K. U. game whom the combined orchestras under George "Tap-it-lightly" Cosmas "pee-raded" through our campus town? Ask George just why he deserted the crowd at the Phi Gam house . . . especially after dropping that full-fifth - THE LAMBDA Chi's have been talking it over about a "Dairy Queen" page-ask some of the boys what they mean . . And now, we throw into the press the following notes for the month which we regret that only time prevented us from following up. Here are a few of the assignments handed me: 1. "Get the names of the three K. A.'s who witnessed the Alpha Gam negligee exhibit Fri- day night, Nov. 27th . . . never mind the names of the girls . . . we have them o. k." 2. "What went on at the Sig Ep house over Thanksgiving. Refer to note on "Showers" . . . 3c. Kansas City parties-who oc- cupied the suite in the Muelbach? Some athletes in on party-get names, facts. 4. Have word of S.A.M. reunion, or something to take place in St. Louis; see what you can find. 5. Look in Home- coming notse in our files . . .Did you get that dope on that affair at Tiger? Lots of drunks, get names of girls, if not too many . .might be good for Show. 6. AND JUST before deadline I AND JUST before dealine I have been handed these: "Keep an eye for something at Scab- bard & Blade dance-watch Bey- non, Smith, and Dilworth . . . see who Ross brings . . . Also get something on Gamma Alpha Chi dance" . .. so, folks, I'll stop and get busy again-yours, -THE OBSERVANT MULE THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nineteen Greta: What makes you look so weak looking? Garbo: Staying up late nights reading "My Strong Man" book. Missouri Flower Shop Laughlin Hardware Co. THE INGLENOOK SHOP BE A NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT Any intelligent person may earn money corresponding for newspa- pers; all or spare time; experience unnecessary; no canvassing; send for free booklet; tells how. Hea- cock, Room 597, Bun Bldg., Buffalo, N. Y. College Humor Lucky Strike Cigarettes