The Saturday Evening Pest November, 1950 The Saturday Evening Pest November, 1950 2008 1950/11 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195011

The Saturday Evening Pest November, 1950; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1950

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The Saturday Evening Pest Cities of America Columbia, Missouri November 1930 25 cents The Fantum Philiver By Don Dunn A Showme Parody College Book Store Missouri Store Pucketts Rusty Tin Cans and Your Family's Future Just as surely as the slimy creek rusts tin cans-so your fam- ily's needs change. Children are born just as the steam springs cleanly from the hillside . . they grow up . get an education . . . collect filth . wander between the banks of life, looking for the one that offers the most interest. You'll need a flexible life insur- anoeto carry you over the tumbled stream bed of life. When you insure with New England Scrubutil, you will have an adoptable policy that not only bends with you, but around you. New England Scrubutil has been wrapping policies around satisfied families for a over a century. Our career underwriters are carefully trained to write your policy right out from under you. He will glad- ly show you testimonials from hundreds of pleased men whose widows are now collecting bene- fits. Remember, from birth New England Scrubutil your death. The NEW ENGLAND SCRUBUTIL Life Insurance Co. of Baston THE SATURDAY EVENING PEST Editor-in-chief Advertising Director Associate Editors Jerry Smith Business Manager Asst. Bus. Manager Ed Overholser Herb Green Alan Ebner Carolyn Lipshy Glenn Troelstrup Circulation Managers Publicity Directors Homer Ball Secretary Fred Seidner Art Editor Dude Haley Photo Editor Mary Ann Fleming Marshall Siegel Herb Knapp Dick Sedler Tom Smith Joey Bellows Art Staff: Pat Kilpatrick, Marilyn McLarty Advertising: Joy Kuyper, Carroll Sand Proof Reader Features: Don Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, Joel Gold Sales Manager Mel Britt Publicity: Phil Cohen, Jay Goldman, Lloyd Hellman, Judy Klawans, Dick Rogers Joy Laws, Barbara Lee, Nikki, Zemliak. Photos: Al Paro Exchange Secretary Circulation: Bill Alexander, Bob Herman, Jerry James, Harold Wiley Mary Ann Dunn IN THIS ISSUE 2 SHORT STORIES Two Muscular Men and a Provocative Girl __--- Jerry Smith 11 Fantum Phliver -------------------- - Don Dunn 14 1 ARTICLE Cities of America ------------------------Anonymous 16 1 SERIAL The Dude of Table Forks ----------------- Bob Skole 18 OTHER FEATURES Pest Scraps -------20 Letters -----------4 Keeping Pested ------- 40 Editorial ------------ 8 THIS WEEK'S COVER At this time we're going to drop our gentle satire and say a few sensible words concerning the cover. The idea was the result of three horrible hours in the back room of the shack where the staff wracked its collective brain trying to whip up an idea. The result is prominently displayed. As you probably know, the Post runs a Ben Franklin cover once a year. We feel that our cover expresses what we are doing to the Post. Herb Green was the artist. 3 Beech-Nut Gum LETTERS TO THE EDITORS After carefully considering your cover of October 28. I have decided that artist Stephen Doughnuts, doesn't know pea- nuts about corn. I have lived in the corn belt for nigh on to twenty-eight years and I have never seen a corn field such as was drawin in this cover. It's obvious that the artist made it all up. In the first place, the rows are two inches too far apart. Any fool knows that you can't plant corn that far apart. The Ford tractor is just made so wide and wouldn't fit in this field. And those ears-my goodness, any fool knows that you can't have 36 kernels in one row. I've never seen a row with over 34. And the shucks ain't the color that he has used. Any fool can tell you that there ain't never been corn shucks that color. And what's that kid doing fooling a- round with the corn. Wouldn't let my kid fool around in my corn field. Hope you will take more care with your covers here- after. GEORGE PORGE Holysock, Kansas. -Artist Stephen Doughnut's cover is authentic. The scene was painted in Uraguay.-ED. Whales Are Nice I was exceedingly interested in your fascinating article about whales in the October 21 issue (Whales Ain't Snails by Pun- daf Larde). It's seldom that the world is blessed with such an enlightening exposition. Few people realize what ut- terly wonderful things whales are. Why they're almost human. I've always wanted one for a pet. Perhaps the author knows where I might get one. Please continue this good work and let the world have more in- formation on these magnificent creatures. MILLICENT STOOPNAGLE Laramie, Wyoming -Writer Larde's formula for ob- taining a whale. Go jump in the ocean.-ED. One more. Just one more asi- nine article such as the one con- cerning whales and I start read- ing "The Saturday Review of Literature." You ain't the only damn magazine that's supposed to come out on Saturday, you know. KILMET HELMET Ontario, Canada. Why Saturday For twelve solid years I went to the local magazine stand on Saturday and tried to buy your magazine. For twelve solid years I could only get your magazine in the middle of the week. Finally I gave it up and for the past seven year I have had a subscription. Do I get my mag- azine on Saturday? Hell no-I get it in the middle of the week. Now tell me-just why in the hell don't you either come out on Saturday, or else change the name of your magazine? It's people like you that mess up everything in this world. Even the Sunday paper, which comes out on Saturday night, is closer than you. I'm sick of it, I tell you-sick, sick, sick JAMES GASTRIC St. Louis, Mo. Bloodshot-Eye Modem Litho-Print Co. BENGAL SHOP Missouri Showme LETTERS CONTINUED Lots of Plots I enjoyed the story in the October 28 issue by Clarence Buddington Hellfire (Blood's Bloody Blood). It was the kind of story that I like very much However, there was one thing that bothered me. The plot and characters somehow seemed similar to other stories in pre- vious issues-such as "The Jag- ged Daggar" (Oct. 21), "Corpse and Corpusles" (Oct 13), "The Cream Scream" (Oct. 6), "The Saw Tooth Sword" (Sept. 30), "The Knifed Wife" (Sept. 23), "The Overstocked Grave" (Sept. 16), "The Pilfered Wafer," (Sept. 9) . (three pages omitted) . Naturally the resemblance is small-merely plot and charac- ters. However, I was just won- dering . ROBT. WINFIELD SNOOK, JR. Itcywatchie, Texas. -Naturally any resemblance is purely accidental.-ED. Mistakes Ha! In your article concering Welfried Gluckstite in the Octo- ber 13 issue (Bottle Baby at Sixty Eight, by Heartfelt Six- pence) you said that Mr. Gluck- stite never uses a tie clasp-even when spying at meetings of Al- coholics Anonymous. You said that in the third line from the bottom, second column, page twenty five. In a 1922 issue of Judge there is a blurred picture of Gluck- stite with three members of the New York State Patrol. Careful work with chemicals and magni- fying glasses on the original photograph (obtained after six months of searching) has re- vealed Mr. Gluckstite wearing a rather large, gold tie clasp. I don't know where Mr. Six- pence obtains his information but he has certainly done a sloppy piece of work with this. HAWKEYE PIERCE Navajo Reservation, Colorado. -Heartfelt Sixpence is down- cast.-ED. Fedung Editorials The Cold War In Crowder With the war in Korea ended, the government finds itself faced with a new trouble spot. The cold war in Crowder threatens at any moment to become hotter than purgatory. Last month a crisis was threat- ened when left wing elements from the Blue Campus area en- tered forbidden territory illegal- ly. When accused by a loyalist officer of having entered with a forged passport, the radical blues rose in a body and threat- ened the officer with the Bronx- cheer treatment. Cooly the officer surveyed the situation, and demanded the of- fenders passport. When refused, this valiant leader took things into her own hands and soundly thrashed one of the blues. What will happen next? The situation has grown more acute each day. The radical blues (who had the audacity to burn a cross on the Crowder border) continue to demand better food. Obvious- ly they are too well educated to appreciate what is being done to them. Too many of them, it seems, object to the two servings ot grease and one of egg (mixed) that they receive for breakfast. It is obviously sheer stupidity that causes them to object to the ,ifa ct _th. :good breakfasts are se~ved ,ojr on weekends, when many of them are out of the .:S Crowder territory, or sleeping through breakfast. They cry that they have paid and should re- ceive in return-a cut and dried Marxian theory. Herein lies the threat to our capitalistic enterprise. The blue radicals scream for their money's worth. They fail to appreciate. the generous servings of boiled potatoes, squash and cabbage that are provided. They ignore the fact that the financial condi- tion of Crowder stands on a nar- row margin. The highly skilled technicians (hash sloppers) that work in Crowder demand ex- ceedingly high salaries. But the blues ignore this com- pletely. "We want our money's worth" they scream and scream again. Excessive demands such as these threaten the govern- ment with a crisis at any mo- ment. As a supreme insult to re- diculous reasoning they demand the right to eat where they please. The government has done its best to fulfill this demand. "Move out," it has said, "Move bag and baggage, out of our housing." The blues retaliate this fair offer with cries of un- fairness. And so the pattern goes. We have watched the radical ele- ments at work before-always demanding what is humanly ex- pected; always crying for fair treatment; always expecting their money's worth. (Continued on page 22 ) A ROOKIE TO BE WHIPPED INTO SHAPE CAR- LITE SPARK PLUGS Visit the beautiful red hills of se- rene North Korea. Gaze at the sublime beauty and tranquil ser- enity of this ancient vista that spreads itself before your eyes. Now you, too, can afford that trip to Korea for an . unlimited peroid All Expenses PAID Sign up in a group or by yourself. Just ask your loc- al recruiting agent for fur- ther details. Reservations at each stop are guaranteed! No waits between airports Luxurious staterooms. A con- genial club lounge on the lower deck. Don't hesitate. You will enjoy the beautiful fall weather. In- vestigate at once this pre-ar- ranged, all expense tour of the fascinating Orient. US Army World's Most Experienced Airline The Saturday Evening Pest Found in 1728 By Benj Franklin Two Muscular Men and a Provacative Girl by Jerry Smith Vanilla finds love in intrigue VANILLA was distraught. The man was so big and muscu- lar with wavy blonde hair. Oooh, he was so big and muscular with wavy, blonde hair. Vanilla was so distraught. She closed her big, wide, beautiful, blue-as-the-Dan. ube, star-filled, deep limpid, eyes a moment and absently stirred the 7-Up in her shot glass. "Madame," the waiter snarled, "you are wearing out our spoons." It was the secret signal. Vanilla let her big, wide, beauti- ful, blue-as-the-Danube, star-fill- ed, deep, limpid eyes rest on the waiter's tall, hunched, twisted frame. "Yesss," she whispered, almost in fear. "Those spoons cost four dol- lars," he snapped. "Ah," thought Vanilla. "At 4 a.m." She shot a glance at her 24- jewel Bulova empress and ad- mired the gold frame. "It's the finest sterling," he said. He let his fathomless, deep, sinister eyes rest on the big, mus- cular man with wavy hair. "It's solid gold," she cried, showing him the watch. "I have the guarantee in my purse." She began digging. "Sterling," the waiter repeat- ed. "Sterling, sterling, STER- LING!" "Sterling," she thought. "How was Sterling? It had been so long. Was it Paris? London? Ah, London . No, it had been Pu- laski, Arkansas. Ah, Pulaski- the smell of the river-the sew- age-that night on the river- the boat-the old tin can she used to bail out the water. How was Sterling? Sterling was so big, so muscular-so dark-hair- ed." "That man," the waiter hissed. "Who is he?" "I don't know," she admitted. "He's so big, so. .so. . .mus- cular." Her big, wide, beautiful, etc., eyes sought the man with the wavy, blonde hair. "It's too dangerous," the wait- er said. "I can't let you do it." His deep, fathomless eyes deep- ened; they were fathomless. "Oh father," Vanillla sobbed. "It's too late now. We can't stop. We've gone too far." "Yes, yes, we can," he said. His breath was heavy. "We." He pitched forward on his face. The carved handle of a carved knife stuck from his back. It was a carving knife. Vanilla screamed. All was panic. Women scream- ed. Men screamed. A deathly si- lence filled the place. The big, muscular, wavy, blonde man was suddenly before Vanilla. "Let me help you," he said in his deep baritone. I understand." That was the last Vanilla knew. She sank into that deep, dark peace known as midnight-on-the- brain. Vanilla opened her big, wide, beautiful, etc., eyes and stared at the full moon. She sighed. "Ah, you've awakened at last," said the big, muscular man, car- 12 essing her cheek with his lips. 'What happened?" she breath- ed. "You flipped out," he said ten- derly. He was very tender in his tenderness. "Oh," she said, realizing that words were so cheap. "I thought you would never awaken," he admitted, smiling sweetly. He was so sweet inhis sweetness. "I loosened your dress at the neck. You still didn't awaken so I loosened your dress at the waist. You still didn't awaken so." "Ohhh," Vanilla gasped. "Madame," he said reddening redly. "I am a gentleman; I brought you here into the open air." His wavy, blonde hair fell down over one eye. The other eye was beautiful-Vanilla thought. "Thank you," she said. "Forget it." "I am so grateful." "Forget it." "I can never repay you." "Forget it." "It would have been terrible if you hadn't rescued me." "Forget it." "I shall remember your kind- ness eternally." Illustrated by Glenn Troelstrup "Forget it." "I have money. I shall repay you richly." He was silent. She realized that she had insulted him. He smiled at her. It was so big of him to forgive the insult. It was so big of him-he was so big-and mus- cular. "What is your name?" he questioned. "Vanilla," she replied softly. "Such a strange name." "Yes," she admitted. "You see, I'm one-third neopolitan." "My name is Tolivar," he said. "Tolivar Brown." His blonde, wavy hair fell down over the other eye. His nose is beautiful- Vanilla thought-so big, so mus- cular. Suddenly she stiffened invol- untarily. "TOLIVAR." She al- most screamed the name. This- this was the man Sterling had warned her of. This was Tolivar -so big and muscular. He smiled at her. "You need not be afraid," he said kindly. "So you know?" "Yes, I know." He said it al- most reluctantly. "I know that you are Vanilla Borshwitch. How could I forget the beauty of that name-or the beauty of you. Those eyes-those big, wide, beautiful, blue- as- the-Danube, star-filled, deep, limpid, eyes." "Tolivar," she sighed. Her big etc., eyes closed. She breathed heavily. She felt him close to her. Then his body was heavy on hers-too heavy. He was quite unconscious. "Very pretty," Sterling said, lighting a cigarette with his left hand. His right hand held a re- volver. She stared at him. It had been so long. Sterling was so big, so muscular. "Sterling," she gasped. "None of that sweet talk, ba- by," Sterling snapped. "You dam- es make me sick with your senti- mentalities." A slight sneer mar- red the natural sneer of his lips. "Walthello," he said crisply to (Continued on page 22 ) The Fantum Phliver Death rides the highway in a Model-T. by Donn Dunn 5HE sun was pretty warm, you know, that day last summer when the wife and me was driv- in' over Passaic way to see Em- mereldy and the kids. As I was sayin' the sun was pretty warm, you know, so maybe the wife and me was seein' things when we saw what we saw-I'll get to that in just a jiff. On t'other hand, maybe the drinks I'd had for supper made me see it-but I hadn't drunk very much. Just a 14 couple glasses of cider, you know. I allus say a man should have his cider. Anyway, we're chuggin' along -you know-in the old Essex when I look out the winder and say to the wife, "Carrie, d'yuh see that old Model T that's chug- gin' along the road right up there in front of us, you know?" The wife adjusts her bifocals (ain't women like that!) and peers out what would have been the winder-glass if the car had had any glass. She looks right hard, you know and says, "Yep." Never bein' one to argue with the little woman, I give the old buggy the gas and we go chug- chuggin' right past the old Model T like it ain't movin' atall. Only took us four miles to catch up and pass it, too. As we go by, I sort o' look out the back, you know, and see that there's an old man and a young boy drivin' in the car. They weren't dressed out of the ordinary, but something hbout them give me the willies. Maybe it was the blood spattered on their coats. Anyway, I didn't like their looks, so I step on the gas, you know, and we pull away from there like lightnin'. So, we're chug-chuggin' along, you know, and the wife is dozin' in the hot sun when I notice a weird sound. It was sort o' a wailin' like a forlorn banshee might make-'course I never heard a forlorn banshee, you know, but I guess that's how they'd sound. As I think about it, I recall hearin' the sound for quite a long time now, but I was still drun- a little sleepy from the cider (A man should have his cider) and I hadn't thought much about it. So, then, the little woman wakes up suddenly and grabs my arm, you know. "Did you hears that wailin'?" I ask. She adjusts her hearin' aid, ain't women like that, and leans fol- ward, listenin' like, you know. The wailin' comes again and the little woman says, "Yep." She went back to sleep. Now, I always been a pretty brave fella, ain't scared o' noth- ILLUSTRATED BY HERB KNAPP in', you know, but I sure got jit- tery when that queer wailin' started in again. It sounded like it was right behind us, so I takes a deep breath, shuts my eyes, turns around quick, and opens my eyes. And there it was you know! Big as life and smack- dab behind us is that old Model T, just chuggin' along like sixty and the old duffer at the wheel just leanin' on that horn like he wanted blow us all the way to Moberly, Mo. I wakes the wife up quick. "Is that Model T right behind us?" I shout. She looks, listens, and sniffs the air like old Bess, my (Continued on page 31 ) 15 THE CITIES OF AMERICA COLUMBIA, MISSOURI Progress has come to this typical college town in the heart of Daniel Boone territory The Shack (formerly the Pal- ace) is the meeting place of the elite. Daniel Boone slept here. COLUMBIA, Missouri, the historians' paradise and the fea- ture writers' nightmare, is locat- ed approximately in the heart of Missouri, near the part where heart attacks are fatal. This thriving little cash register is about 120 miles from the smog of St .Louis, and a little farther from the gangster graveyards in Kansas City. Columbia was founded on the spot where Daniel Boone drop- ped a coon-skin cap while run- ning from a Stephens' Susie. The spot was marked, a column was erected and somebody built a campus around it. Later the column burned down and a small bungalow was built in its place. This was later named Jesse Hall Auditorium. A great percentage of present day Columbia population is fill- ed by educated people. The re- mainder of the population is mostly students and professors. There are also some unclassified politicians who sponsor banquets now and then and bury Abra- ham Lincoln three times a year. The original settlers of Colum- bia were the descendants of the Susie who caught Boone and married him in the Lodge-the minister- in- residence officating. A column was erected over the spot where this minister was buried. Later the column burned Tennessee Foghorn is credited with being the first human be- ing to venture into the wilds of Columbia. down and a courthouse was erec- ted. The first business set up in columbia was a 3.2 rotgut-leave- your -45.s -at -the -counter shack known as the Palace. The orig- inal building is still standing and today is a palace known as the Shack. In the back room there is still a blood stain marking the spot where Daniel Boone shot the minister who married him to the Susie. Throughout the color- ful history of Columbia run the names of Boone and the Susie (Boone was running). Columbia's great industries are vital to the good health of'Amer- ica today. Detroit has its auto- mobile plants; Pittsburgh has its steel mills; Columbia has its This housing project is the pride of Columbia. Built as an experiment, the project was copied by many other cities. Not the simple design and varied construction. 16 The University is noted for its foundations. Here is the finest foundation on the campus. Constructed in the twenties, it is the most beautiful example of Gothis foundation in North America. The rush period in Columbia's grand central station. Busy citizens hurry for their train and do their best to avoid being trampled in the mob. drug stores. There are more drug stores in Columbia per squarte foot than in any other town in America. One of the drug stores is as famous for its sales tax mills as Pittsburgh for its steel mills. But the basic foundaton o0 Columbia prosperity lies in the educational institutions within its boundries. There is Hickman High School, Jefferson High School University High School and many others. There is also a state university in Missouri which remained rela- tively obscure until a recent ar- ticle in an obscure magazine. The article, entitled "The Old Master of Old Mizzou", concerned a well-known author at the school. One of the most spectacular sights in Columbia is the Steph- ens Hotel, for women only. The hotel is a city within itself, con- taining dress factories, stables, an ice cream plant (annex), and a prison. Columbia also has a girl's coll- ege, called Christian. It is located about two blocks from the near- est man and competes with the Stephens Hotel for social life. This busy city is the transpor- tation center of the state. Two railroads have lines into Colum- bia to serve as braking points for trains that can't make the hills in Kansas City and roll back this far. There is also a Greyhound cattle stop and watering station. Business in Columbia has in- creased termendously in the last few years. Only a few months ago two theatres opened their balconies and installed sound. Pop-corn stands have tripled in the last year and two new stop signs went up in a week. The University of Missouri promises to be an accredited school in the next few years. A costly building program has gone into effect. Holes are being dug, sidewalks are being torn up, foundations are being built. Old Mizzou is most famous for its foundations and remains of raz- ed buildings. But economy' is the by-word despite the spending. Economy has always been the by-word at old Mizzou. In 1906 a school building was due to be razed. But three two-by-fours saved historic Lathrop Hall and it is still in use today. Columbia is rapidly becom- ing a modern town. Recently it was discovered that progressive towns have sidewalks on streets other than main-drag. Plans are being made to accomplish this. Even before this the city discov- ered that parking meters and painted curbs were exceedingly successful and these were imme- diately adopted. A striking aspect, one for which it is known throughout the state, is the proficiency of dogs in Columbia. Most people who pass through the city usual- ly recognize this fact with the statement, "Columbia is certain- ly going to the dogs." Certainly Daniel Boone would agree, as a Susie chased him down Broadway today, that Co- lumbia has changed. Not only has it changed-it has progressed. No longer do men wear coonskin caps; no longer is the Palace a shack; no longer do columns stand alone; no longer; no longer. Progress is here to stay! THE END 17 The Duke of Table Forks Dude Slater was trapped between Indians, the Cavalry and the finance company. by Bob Skole Dude Slater, framed for the murder of his own brother, es- capes from prison at Prairie Flats and goes to Blood Gulch. There he intends to find the body of his grandmother, whom he had killed the night before he went to jail. But when he gets to Blood Gulch, he finds the body removed from the acid pit where he had stored it temporarily. Realizing that he must have the body to prove where he was the night of the murder of his broth- er, he goes to Col. Bluster of the 8th Cavalry, who was her lover. 18 Entering the Colonel's quar- ters, he finds him in the arms of Destiny Jones, Dude's fiancee. They both draw for their guns, but Destiny comes between them. When the smoke clears out of the room, so does the Colonel, for Destiny has more lead in her than a uranium plant Determined to gain revenge, Dude heads for the Indian coun- try taking with him the Colo- nel's daughter. He stirs the Indi- ILLUSTRATED BY HERB KNAPP ans to war and they decide to attack the 8th Cavalry. In the ensuing fight, Dude gets wound- ed and is nursed to health by his brother's widow, who is the Colonel's mother. He learns from the widow that his brother wasn't murdered, but choked to death on some arsenic she accidentally fed him. Wanting to clear his sister-in- law's name, Dude plants the Colonel's finger-prints on the ar- senic bottle, and reports it to the (Continued on page 40 ) Fat-Imas PEST SCRAPS WHOW SNITE and the Deven Swarfs by mel britt Yeny mears ago, in a cuge hastle, there lived a princy pret- tice whose name was Whow Snite. She was a pad little sid- geon because her neeky, snasty step-mother made her stean the clove all the time. But, every night, she pampened her dillow dreaming of a Chince Prarming. Her step-mother was a wad bitch, cause when she tired of nicking her pose, she used to hermuse aself by malking to a firror. On this darticular pay, she new her shrose and beaked "Wirror, wirror on the mall, foo's the warest of them all?" And the sirror med, "Whow Snite, of course!" The fleen rew into a quage and snorted! "Gamm that dirl! I'll thrit her sloat!" But the ass she guyssign- ed to the job host his led and her go. Whow Snite liked this, cause she was not scared of the little fay groxes. Our kittle liddo ran into a drunch of barfs with nilly sames: Gropey, Dumpy, Snappy, Heezy, Dockey, Bop and Dashful. Whow Snite lived with 'em for a tell of a long hime. This was pinger geachy cause Whow Snite was a wassy clench. Wheanmile, the queersome fean again armed her scratch-pit and brot the sheeze with the mirror. "Coises!" she yowled. "That crittle lud still lives!" Worthfith, she stirred up a pasty notion called Dalty Sog. She tracked her coe and turned her- self into a wad bitch. With a creevil ackle. she put a Aacky into a toucious, lempting mipple. Next day, the wad bitch went to the harf's dwouse and' gave Whow Snite the Ackied mipple. The bilde took one chite and grank to the sound moaning, I've been had!" The queersome feen was ho sappy she lied daffing. The Deven Swarfs were quite out put. They wept titter beers. They put her in a cass glasket and kept her. For ages. Luch mater, her Chince Prarming found her and kissed her lammy clips. She stoke with a wart, and the lell in fove. They rode off into the sunning set to live aver efter. THE END "Quite possibly we should have let Kansas sign Plunkett." Digeste Columbia Opticians Suzanne's H.R. Mueller Florist (Crowder Hall cont. from page 8) What are we to do? How are we to keep the blues from get- ting their money's worth? How are we to make sure that the blues don't fill their bellies? How is the high command at the Crowder front to avert good meals? The answer is simple.-ignore the jerks; it has worked so far. Don't give in to this radical ele- ment in our midst. THE END (Provocative Girl cont. from page 12) the thug with him, "Get this jerk out of the way." Walthello lifted the heavy weight off of Vanilla. She sighed with relief. "I can't leave you alone for a minute without you getting mushy with some lover boy, can I?" Sterling snarled. Abstinence is a virtue, Liquor is a vice, I know all that, but what the hell, Someone pass the ice. J.J.G. * * * * * * "But Sterling." "Shut up." He slapped her sharply across the face. "I've told you that I'll stand no back talk. You're my girl, see. Keep away from other guys." He slapped her again. Blindly she stepped away from him. Hot tears were hot on her face. "You shouldn't have done that, Sterling." She was cold in- side. He considered her for a mo- ment. "I'm sorry," he said- at last. "I guess I wasn't thinking. Lately, I've been so irritable. I've had.such terrible headaches and (Continued on page 24 ) WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? My wife and I, both lovers of the outdoors, were vacationing in the Ozarks. After a few days of inactivity, we decided on a little more strenuous fun-both of us being lovers of sports. After a discussion, both of us loving the water, we decided on a boat- ing trip downstream. We rented a motor boat and started the trip, both of us being anxious to go. For a few miles we admired the scenery, both of us loving all outdoor life. Then, suddenly, the motor stopped. Neither one of us could get it started, both of us having little knowledge of things mechanical. It was then that we noticed the increased speed of the river, both of us being observant. Then, both of us having good hearing, we heard the roar of a waterfall. We were being swept towards it. There we were, in the middle of the swift river. The motor wouldn't work. We had no oars, both of us loving to ignore little precautions. Can you figure what we did? Thinking quickly, I pulled the cord from the motor and whip- ping my wife into the river 1 forced her to pull the boat to the shore-because, though we both loved the same things-we didn't love each other. -P. D. QUICK CAMPUS BEAUTY SHOP the Novus Shop CAMPUS JEWELERS Fountain's Service Station backaches. I saw my doctor and he recommended Hadacol. It has done wonders for me. I never would have believed it if I had not tried it myself. If you are suffering from the lack of cer- tain vitamins in your diet, Had- acol may be just the thing for you." He drew her to him and pressed his lips against hers. She was cold. He pushed her from him. "You're using lip ice again," he snarled. "I'm sorry, Sterling," She was deadly serious, seriously. Blue eyes gaze at mine-vexa- tion. Soft hand closed in mine-pal- pitation. Fair hair brushing mine-expec- tation Red lips close to mine-tempta- tion. Footsteps-damnation. * * * * * * * "Never mind that now. Where are the Inner Mongolia Crown Jewels?" "I have them," she whispered in triumph. Sterling flushed vividly. His eyes gleamed wildly. His breath came in short gasps. He giggled hysterically. Slowly Vanilla unscrewed her false right foot. Inside were the Inner Mongolian Crown Jewels. Sterling quickly took them from her. "At last," he said, "the jewels." "Drop those, Sterling," came the sharp order from the dark- ness. Tolivar appeared, gun in hand. His face and clothing showed the signs of the struggle with Walthello. "Your tough guy isn't so tough." He smiled cyni- cally. "My four years in the Marines taught me how to handle tough guys." "Were you in the Marines?" Sterling said with admiration. "Sure." Tolivar saluted and began singing the Marine Hymn. (Continued on page 27 ) Boper Spirin I'M PROUD OF THIS PICTURE Frozen Gold Ice Cream Miller's "...to the shore of Tripoli," Sterling joined in. Suddenly he lashed out and caught Tolivar on the point of the chin. They fell to the ground together. Va- nilla watched the two men-so big, so muscular. They were fighting for her. Vanilla knew it and felt a thrill. These two were locked in a death duel and all for her, for her love. Which would win-which would claim her eternally? Who would be the victor to take her away from all this? Slowly one of the men rose from the ground. The other was still-so still. Which one had won-who would now claim her after the battle for her love? Tolivar stood before her. He smiled. Slowly he reached out and took the jewels from hei. "Now get the hell out of here be- fore I run you in," he ordered mildly. To me a women is many things, Sugar and cream and Kellog's Bran, But I'm happiest for the thing she's not, Thank God, she's not a man! J.J.G. She stood there-not able to move. Again he gave the com- mand, but she couldn't-she couldn't leave. "I'm sorry," Tol- ivar said. It was visitor's day. Vanilla stared through the screen at Tolivar. It was the first time he had visited her. Her heart beat madly at the sight of him. He was so big-so muscular. "Vanilla," he said simply. "Tolivar." "It has been so long, Vanilla." "Seven years, Tolivar." "I have been such a fool." "Yes, Tolivar, but I have wait- ed-patient in the knowledge (Continued on page 29 ) DON SMALL G-E STORE Juke Club KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER The Blue Shop The Lion's Roar mMtbly . ol*m os.13a The greatest star of the screen! Since starting this column I've told you about many great pic- tures that N-G-N has produced. I've told you of great stories and great stars. now I want to tell you the truth. As much as I hate to tell you, the name of this picture (phaa) is "The Rise and Fall of the Mer- riam-Webster Standard Diction- ary." The story is a tremendous- ly dull thing, and rather compli- cated by the fact that at several times we ran out of money and had to fill gaps in the film with scenes from "Hell's Angels." 4** * Due to conditions entirely be- yond our control the stars of this fiasco are Jane Brussel and Dudley Dufflebag. Stringyhaired Miss Brussel, if you should be so unfortunate as to remember, was last seen fleetingly in Edison's great classic, "The Great Train Robbery," in which she portray- ed a set of headlights on the train. Dudley is type cast as a lino- type operator who sets the first Webster dictionary, much to the opposition of two horrible actors who portray two seedy gun-men named Funk and Wagnals. From what I've said here, you can probably realize just how ex- cretiable this film is, and if you've got any brains at all you'll watch for it at your favorite theatre, and when it comes there studiously avoid it. -Leo P.S. Paramount has turned out some good pictures lately, why not drop in and see some of them instead of .this that some day you would realize what we left behind us that night." "Yes. I have. But now it's too late." "It's never too late." "That night," Tolivar spoke with feeling. "I told you to leave and you wouldn't. If only I had known. If only I had realized- I could have saved you so much unhappiness. I was a fool not to understand why you wouldn't, why you couldn't leave." Vanilla wanted to reach out and touch him. His voice broke. "I want to make it up to you," he said. "I know Tolivar." He reached under the screen and laid something in her hand. Tears made her eyes misty. She fought them. There must be no display of emotion now. "Now I must go." "Yes." "Goodby, Vanilla." "Goodby, Tolivar." Slowly he turned and walked from the room. He was so big, so muscular. Vanilla's eyes fol- Say if with flowers, Say it with eats; Say it with kisses, Say it with sweets. Say it with jewelry, Say it with drink. But always be careful Not to say it with INK! * * * * * * * lowed him-her love went with him. Then she turned away. With head high, stolidly she walked back to her cell, full in the realization that a new life lay before. Tolivar had brought her new life, new hope, a new future, a new foundation for hap- piness. Tolivar had brought her false right foot!-firmly she walked into the future. THE END QUALITY LAUNDRY Sayman Products Co. Sucker Sucker There's a powerful difference between a "sucker" and a "sucker" and there is a powerful difference, too, between gasoline and "Edith" gasoline! Edith gasoline is greasy. That's why it ruins your engine. It makes a difference you acn feel as it seeps up through the floor- boards. When you see that familar vermillion and chartreuse emblem on the pump you know what you're getting-old coffee grounds! Edith "anti-knock" fluid is the best anti-knock fluid in the world. (poor auntie) The DEN HERB'S (Fantum Phliver cont. from page 15) houn' dog, and finally says, "Yep." I let her go back to sleep. It didn't take me long to fig- ger that somethin' pretty funny was goin' on. In the first place, my Essex could outrun an old Model T any day and I'd been pressin' the pedal all the way to the floor for a heck (you ladies'll forgive the vulgarity?) of a long time. It just stood to reason that we'd have left the flivver back on the horizon, you know: But there it was, right behind us. And then I thought of the ghost car! "Carrie," I whispered, punch- in' the wife in the ribs with the gear-shift to get her awake, "didn't we once hear a story about a ghost car that roamed up and down this highway wait- in' for someone to come along with spare parts for it-or something like that? You know." The wife wrinkled her brows and browsed for a moment over (Continued on page 32 ) Twick or tweat-babe? DORN-CLONEY Esser the ideas" in her head. (Women have so many thoughts, haven't they?) "You know," I said. "It was in a maggyzine story some- time." She thinks some more. Then her eyes brighten and she says, "Yep." Well, boy, I ain't goin' to stay around with no ghost car chasin' me, so I pull the throttle and (Continued on page 34 ) * * * ** * * The student gets the magazine. The school gets the fame. The printer gets the money. The editor gets the blame. ARE YOU A BETTER SPELLER THAN OUR WRITERS More than half of the follow- ing words are misspelled. Can you find the little buggars that are wrong? Hmm? These words are not just picked at random, but are words that have been butchered in manuscripts that came across my desk. 1. colledge 2. edge 3. edgeication 4. G.I. Bill of Rights 5. money 6. futball 7. Greasy Dick Beer 8. tiegers 9. editor 10. stayedium 11. pony 12. grayder 13. wachmen 14. chug-a-lug 15. curfooie 16. nek 17. lawndry 18. dere cur: 19. tekstbuk 20. wimmin 21. bed 22. Corn-Dlonie 23. chek 24. Younivercity Buckstore 25. credit 26. co-Ed 27. Cy Colegy Correct spelling of trouble- makers on page 36. We' re not tobacco men . We' re medicine men Old Mold Old Molds. BRADY'S stamp on that old gas pedal and we go chug-chuggin' along like all get out. After a few seconds, I glance over my shoulder. The Model T is still there-and the old driver's blowin' his horn like he just hasta pass us. I go faster, you know, but he wouldn't get off my tail. I try to wave him past in the. hope he'll leave us be, but he just sticks next to us and blows his horn in that long banshee wail. After an hour of hittin' nearly forty-five all the way across the plains, the old Essex gives a little cough, you know, and I see the gas needle is scrapin' the bottom of the dial. There ain't nothin' else to do. "Carrie," I say as I pull over, "you better make a little prayer for us. We're gonna meet up with a real live ghost." Carrie says, "No!" I look at the Model T pulled up behind us and the old duffer climbin' out his door and walkin' toward us. I say, "Yep." Then, his big white hand opened the door of my old Essex and his tiny red eyes were glar- in' in at me. When he spoke out, his voice sounded just like Sa- tan's, you know. "I been tryin' t' get yuh to stop for miles," he said. "When you passed us before, youi The guy across the hall from me Plays Crosby's latest platter- It's only 2:14 a.m.- I guess sleep doesn't matter. D.D. The trouble with writing verse (As almost everyone knows) Is that if you're not awfully care- ful with words, The darn stuff comes out prose. D.D. * * * * * * * bumper hooked on ours and you been pullin' us for an'hour." Which just goes to show you that you can always find an in- t'restin' story to tell for a thous- and bucks-you know. THE END KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP Sufferin Acts six times faster than Salt Water New product nine times faster than medicine THIS IS YOU 1 SUFFERIN enter ab- osfpraspzed here. It dissolves rapidly with its exclusive formula opens trap door of stomach fast Last stage before in- testine lining is eat- en away stopping pain. No more stomach pains--SUFFERIN eats stom- ach lining away relieving pain. Don't ask your phsician-go ahead, be brave- try it. Tiger Club FAMOUS LAST WORDS "It's ok Doll, you've still got 30 seconds." STRICTLY BETWEEN ROOMMATES We're through again-this time for keeps; She broke it off-that's.all! How long, now, should I let her wait 'Til I decide to call? D.D Correct Spelling for "Are You A Better Speller" 2. edje 3. edjication 4. G.I. Bull of Rights 9. edittorr 10. staidium 13. watchmean 15. curfoo 18. dere sir: 19. tekstbook 21. double bed 23. chekk 24. Youniversity Buckstore 25. leave your right arm 27. Sy Colegy HOUSEHOLD TIPS by Sassy Nancy ASTOUNDING what little household helps one can pick up at these hen parties sometimes. Here, for example, are a few practical goodies I learned one night recently. . and all of them work for me if I try hard enough Work a handful of green dye in- to your next chicken potpie. sure to make your guests green with envy. If your family is tired of ice tea and more ice tea for dinner, pour half. a pound of salt into your potatoes at the next meal. the family will love the ice tea. A dash of onion juice in that lemon pie is certain to add something to an old recipe YOU CAN WIN THE PLAU- DITS of the public even with greasy clothes. Don't worry about those grease spots on your suit or dress.with this new method you can't be hindered socially or in business. That's why I beg you to use GREASO, the new greasy grease for your clothes. It works like magic. making even the stubbornest grease-resistant clothes greasy. If you have a grease spot on (continued next pge) LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST Submit your favorite joke and win a carton of assorted Life Savers. Entries should be addressed to "Joke Contest, Showme, 304 Read Hall, Co- lumbia, Mo." WINNING JOKE There's nothing strange in the fact that the modern miss is a live wire-she carries practically no insulation. CONTEST WINNER Kay Hunt 609 B Providence Columbia, Mo. "And be sure to buy mine at Julies!" Life Savers TIGERS Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Stein Club your favorite suit or dress, buy. an economical 16 gallon can of GREASO. fill the bathtub. dip clothes-just once. Your clothes will be completely greasy in just one dip. In case a spot is missed, just soak a rag with GREASO and rub heavily. Pres- to, your clothes are entirely greasy . there's no need to worry about damaging the mate- rial. GREASO contains no acids and no caustics. just plain old unadulterated grease. There's nothing else at any price that can make your clothes greasier. DON'T GET GREY over those food bills. here's a free volume that tells you how to beat those old prices. The HOUSEWIFE'S LITTLE BLUE BOOK. free for the asking. This simply wonder- ful book explains in detail how to plan your meals for economy . how to buy in volume to save . how to cook so that nothing $ * * *$ * * * There was a young chap from Azusa, Who was thrice in love a loser; Suicide was his aim, But he wasn't too game. So he ended up being a boozer. J.J.G. $ * * * *$ * * is wasted. how to keep meat from spoiling. how to make. that lazy good-for-nothing hus- band get out and earn enough money so you won't have to econ- omize. how to keep the chil- dren from eating so much. how to treat malnutrition . how to sponge off of relatives . how to beat the government out of a pension. how to live on beer and pretzels. Also a chapter on the free lunch house and Red Cross relief. Dont miss getting your free copy. Just send 75c to the Standard Oil Company, New York, and your copy will be sent collect. WHY SMOKE OPIUM when the thrill of smoking can be yours at standard prices? For the fin- The Role I Liked Best . . est in smoking kick try COUGH- INAILS, the new king-size ciga- rette. fit for a king. The finest turkish and domestic tobaccos have been completely ignored in the making of COUGHINAILS. The tobacco is the finest grade grown along the railroad tracks in Georgia and Mississippi. Blended to perfection with the taste of locomotives and the smell of wild goats, COUGHI- NAILS are sure to provide a new thrill in smoking pleasure. They combine the two qualities that make for good smoking. the coolness of loosely packed tobacco. plus the taste that ir- ritates your mouth and throat. Try a pack of COUGHINAILS today. the king-size cigarette fit for a king (King Lear). Or KORN KRIB Edgar's "Pardon me, is this seat taken. oops!" The Pen Point SAVITAR better still, buy a carton. COUGHINAILS cost no more than good cigarettes. STICKY TRICKS are too nu- merous to mention with skoch tape. The stuff is positively amaz- ing. it sticks to anything. Just try to get some of the stuff off your hands some time. Speaking of hands. next time you rob that pedestrian in a dark alley, bind his hands with skoch tape . it will take him hours to get loose. Also recommended for girls on their third date with the same fellow. And if you want to get that dirty spot off the wall paper, just cover it with skoch tape. pull and off will come the dirt, wallpaper, plaster and siding. A neat job at small cost A torn skirt can be repaired eas- ily with skoch tape. but it's recommended beforehand for girls on their fourth date with the same fellow. On the end of a stick, skoch tape will prove handy for picking dimes out of the collection plate on Sunday. Girls on their fifth date with the same fellow will discover that skoch tape doesn't do everything. If you're seeking a believer In the thought of Omar Khayam A drinker, smoker, lover, jok- er- Stop your searching! Here ayam! D.D. (The Dude from Table Forks cont. from page 18) marshal. The marshal jails Dude because he is riding a stolen horse. The Colonel, however, in- tervenes at the hanging, and takes Dude before a firing squad. But the soldiers refuse to kill Dude because he owns the only saloon in town. Dude escapes and runs away with the Colonel's wife, whom he returns the next day in favor of his daughter. As they enter the house, he sees the Colonel in the arms of Quality Jones, Destiny's sister. The Colonel's wife grabs a gun, but her aim is poor and she blows her own head off. Quality ana the Colonel by this time are well on their way towards Table Forks. Dude says to hell with 'em and goes out to find the body of his grandmother. * * * * * * * My dad sent me to college, So I can learn a lot, But all I've learned since I've been here is, "Bartender, let's have another shot." J.J.G. * * * * * * * He returns to the acid pit in time to find his wife tossing in Purity Jones, Quality's sister, and dancer at Dude's saloon. Dude hadn't heard of his wife's return from the East, and, as a matter of fact, didn't want to. Seeing a money-making invest- ment being washed down the drain, Dude is infuriated, draws his gun and let it never be said that anything ever came between Dude and his wife. She joins Purity and grandma. Dude returns to town to visit his saloon, and finds that Jake Jones, the bar-keep has skipped town with the safe and three dancing girls. Suddenly remem- bering that he had filed his grandmother in the safe under expendables, Dude takes off aft- er Jake. It was his great-grand- mother whom he tossed in the acid. Jake's trail leads to Table Forks, where the Colonel, . a marshal and a Senate crim'e in- vestigating committee are wait- ing for him. In the ensuing fight, two senators are removed from office, and civil service exams are opened for marshal. Jake blows open the safe, finds grandma, turns her over to the Colonel, who executes him the next morning for murder. He then confiscates Jake's propertty and goes into the Black Hills with them. The girls escape and return to Dude, who, by this time, has married one of ':tie (Continued :on next page) ,. Central The Hathman House ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE Shaw & Sons senator's widows. Indians attack the town and carry off Dude and his wife-in opposite directions, luckily for Dude. Recognized as their former friend, the Indians make Dude the head of the gam- bling concession. Anxious to know why he hasn't received his monthly cut, the Colonel sends out a troop to the village. The troopers are cap- tured and put to torture, but Dude intervenes and has them scalped on the spot. One man escapes, however and reports to the Colonel who immediately prepares to ride against the In- dians. Using an old Indan trick, the redskins trap the 8th Cavalry in a valley. The troopers dig in for a last stand, but the attack is called off while Dude makes a deal with Cecil B. DeMille when the on-location team arrives, the Indians charge the starving troopers only to find them gone The redskins vent their fury on the Hollywood crew and sell the movie rights to Paramount. Dude discovers that the cav- alry escaped through an old mine shaft they f6und while digging in. Leading his Indians to the mine entrance, Dude meets the Colonel face to face. The Colonel is repulsed and escapes with his men into the mine. They begin digging an exit, and in this way plan to shaft Dude. The Indians, in the meantime, revolt and return to their squaws, leaving Dude to deal with the cavalry the best he can. Dude slips into the mine ana stumbles across a rich gold vein. Digging up as much as he can carry, he returns to Table Forks and open up a new ride-in sal- oon. Business flourishes ana Dude imports five new can-can dancers from Paris. One of the girls falls in love with Dude and he rides out to find his wife, who was captured with the Indians. She finds her among the harem of the Chief, draws her derringer and divorces her from Dude. But the chief holds her for ransom, which Dude never pays because he did not like her anyway. Dude meanwhile has contract- ed some steep gambling debts from Riverboat Sam, who is act- ually a federal agent sent by Washington to investigate the disappearance of the 8th Cavalry Regiment. After looking high and low, but not low enough Sam gives up, and is waiting in Table Forks for the next stage. Dude is forced to give him three dancing girls as part payment of his debt. The agent leaves on the stage but Dude rounds up his gang and rides to intercept it at Goon Val- ley. They meet the stage, hold i up kill Riverboat and take off for the hills. While Dude is pay- ing his men, the ground opens up near them and the Colonel emerges. Dude gets the drop on him and makes him sign a full pardon. "The Horse" The horse is of the equine class One end is neigh, The other-tail. J.J.G. It is then that a rider appears bringing the news that the In- dians are attacking Blood Gulch. Dude and the cavalry rides hell- for-leather to the rescue, but they are too late. There is only one survivor, the sheriff, who locks Dude for jailbreaking. Dude escapes, taking the sher- iff's daughter with him, who es- caped the massacre by bribing a brave. Dude keeps the girl with him until the sheriff signs a full par- don. Taking the girl back to her father, Dude is nabbed by the Colonel for carrying a woman across the state border. Dude es- capes from the colonel and re- turns to Table Forks. There he and his gang barricade the streets and wait for the inevi- table attack, which never comes off because the cavalry found some Indians to chase. Dude removes the barricades and the town goes back to nor- malcy. Dude's saloon flourishes, RADIO ELECTRIC TWA and soon Dude opens up a branch in Coffin Gap. He hires 12 girls 12 for this branch, and falls desperately in love with one of them one. She turns out to be Charity Jones, who has come West to av- enge the deaths of her sisters and father. When she learns that Dude was instrumental in their deaths, she confronts him with her pearl-handled revolver, but Dude's lightening draw en- ables him to give Charity to the Lord. Dude says to hell with her and clears out of town with the sheriff on his heels. On the outskirts of town, Dude meets the returning cavalrymen, who have trium- phanty defeated four Indians. He is taken into custody, when the sheriff gallops up and demands his prisoner. In the ensuing fight between the sheriff and the Colonel, Dude escapes. The cav- alry buries the sheriff with mili- tary shovels. Dude heads for Cactus Gully, where his friend, Poncho Gon- zales, runs a gambling house. There Dude meets Hope Jones, who is the black sheep of the Jones family. She is a faro deal- er. Dude loses heavily to Hope, but Poncho doesn't care. Dude shot him, three installments back. However, the sheriff locks Dude up because Poncho owed (Continued on page 46 ) neuHomms The Perfect Squelch An elderly lady entered a shoe store and requested that the young clerk show her some shoes -size 6%. The clerk promptly dug out the old reliables and dis- played them. The lady wasn't interested. So the clerk dug out some of the latest styles and offered them. The lady still wasn't in- terested. Somewhat irritated, but still the perfect salesman, the young man dove into the stacks once more. He showed the lady every style, shape and size available. Still no sale. He dug into the basement, the attic, the safe. Finally he had shown the lady every shoe in the store. He told her so. "What," the lady exclaimed, "Do you mean to tell me that you have no more shoes? I came in here to buy a pair of shoes and I demand that you find me a suitable pair." The young salesman drew him- self up, looked coldly at the lady and with perfect salesman's ananners said: "To hell with you, you old bat." DON DUNN She's Lovely.She's Engaged! SHE'S ANOTHER WOODBURN DEB WANNA MARION HASTE, one of M.U. 's most unfashiona- ble set, and lovely daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Dunn N. Haste, smiles happily-with accent on her dish-rag blonde hair-in the arms of her betrothed, Burle Escue, Jr., of Kuna Springs. Woodburn has been her beauty care since childhood. Wanda's ring- A Gen-une dia- mond, flanked by a few other shapeless stones as advertised in True Romance at $1.98 C.O.D. Girls, you too can have that instant raw, red look and a more repulsive color with Woodburn. There's no need to wait 14 days to find out what it does for you. One brush-scrub appplication and plastic surgery is the only resort. Unmarried women throughout the country are rav- ing. About that neon-light glow of Woodburn facial soap. "I owe it all to Woodburn," Wanna says, "and my father." Back when she was a wee toddler, she lisped "Wanna" for "Wanda" and played with a boy named-Berle Es- cue. Said then he'd marry her-and what do you think? He LIED! Sports-lovers, the lucky couple make twosome fun of tennis, golf, fishing, and wrestling. "Followed always by my Woodburn Facial Cocktail," says Wanda, "to bring back that burlap complexion." Add Woodburn beauty baths to your beauty routine. Made from real burn- ed wood, it will leave you feeling like an ash. So get your giant size 2- pound cake whenever convenient. No hurry-it will still be there. 45 him 5000 pecos. Dude wins his freedom in a Red Dog game, and leaves town with seven of Pon- cho's creditors on his trail and Hope on his shoulder. Dude and Hope have estab- lished themselves in a deserted cabin in the Badlands. CHAPTER IX 2 UDE stood framed in the doorway of the cabin and look- ed out into the rain. A cigarette dangled from his hard mouth. A gust of rain drove a fine spray against his hard face. He turned his hard head to Hope. "Reckon it's rainin', I reckon," he said. Hope looked up from the bed. Her green eyes caught the glis- ten from the flames in the fire- place and reflected them spark- ingly. "I reckon," she answered. When she spoke, she showed her small, even, snow-white teeth, that were framed by a well-shaped mouth with full, red lips. Her golden hair flowed to her slightly tanned shoulders. She was wearing a long night- gown that lay lightly on her small but impressve body. Her voice was a gentle breeze among the howling winds. "Oh, Dude, I love you so much," she whispered, hopping out of bed and running to his side. He looked deeply into her ex- cited eyes and said, "Yep." "We'll live here forever and a day, Dude. You and I, alone, together. We have the whole world before us and -its ours only, as long as we have our love. Oh, Dude." He took her in her arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. They pressed their cheeks together and stood that way for a long moment. "Reckon it's stopped rainin'," Dude said. "Then you do love me, Dude?' "Might start again tho'," he an- swered, looking to the north. 46 "Tell me again how much you love me, Dude," she said imploi- ingly. "But then, it come down hard all night." "Oh, Dude, my soul unites with heaven when you tell me you love me. Will you always be mine, alone, Dude?" "This ain't the season for long rains." "Dude, darling, beloved, my passion burns with the flames ol the sun." "Nope, sun won't come out. Too cloudy." "Oh, Dude, take me in your arms, hold me close, closer, cloa . . "She plumb passed out," Dude said as he tossed her carelessly on the bed. "Now who's gonna fix chow?" Dude sauntered carelessly to the rain barrel and slowly rolled a cigarette. After filling a buck- et with clear water, he returned to Hope and threw it on her. Slowly she opened her large eyes and looked up at Dude. "You held me too close," she whimpered. "Sorry," he said, "Thought I might have to fix my own grub." Dude looked down at her pleading eyes. "Grub," he repeated. "For you, anything," she said, jumping out of bed and putting on the flap-jacks. While they were frying, she went into the back room and dressed. She appeared wearing a low- cut cotton affair that was gather- ed tightly at her waist. "Not bad," said Dude, tasting her flap-jacks. "Might make a good wife someday." "But, Dude, we were married the night we left Cactus Gully" "Yep." "Well, why do you say might make a good wife some day?" "Because the coffee is lousy and besides, I just saw the cav- alry comin' over the south ridge "Oh, Dude!" ". and the Indians over the north ridge." "Oh, Dude!" "Now put your Daddy's things away and play with your own toys." "... and the creditors over the west ridge." "Oh, Dude! We'll have to ride for the east ridge." "We're on it." "But the view was so pretty over the cliff." "We'll have to make a stand for is here. Can you load?" "Dice?" "Nope, guns." "Oh, Dude!" OBSERVATIONS I've watched fellows talk to gals From sundown until dawn; Quite obviously, these guys be- lieve The snow must go on. D.D. He quickly showed her how to load his .44's and began firing at the onrushing Indians. Making each shot count, he threw the redskins' first charge into a pan- ic. He then turned on the caval. ry, making many of them happy as his first shot won a medical discharge for the bugler. He fir- ed rapidly and soon they were thrown back disorganized. The creditors were at his doorstep, but his financial difficulties were soon settled as he fired from the hip. There came a lull in the fight- ing while the cavalry re-grouped for another charge. The Indians began shooting flaming arrows at the shack as they re-loaded their rifles out of range of Dude's deadly fire. Hope nestled close to Dude, kissed him lightly on the ear, and whispered, "We're out of bullets." Dude frantically searched his gun belts. "I reckon," he said. "Oh, Dude, I hear them gallop- ing towards us on all sides!" "Yep," Dude said, as he calm- ly lit a cigarette. "Reckon so." (TO BE CONTINUED) Phono Grill MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY KEEPING PESTED Above you se a picture of one of those poor souls known as the free-lance writer. He is having his ticket punched-in short he s got a reject slip .Hundreds of these poor souls flood the PEST offices daily with their original stories. They still haven't dis- covered the formula. They feel that boy plus girl plus boy plus situation is pure tripe., So they write good stuff and get reject slips. Little do they realize that editors are old, feeble and have a disgusting lite- rary taste (one is pictured above). The particular reject slip be- ing given away is fos a "Tug- boat Tessie" story. The writer (Bob Erwin) missed the dead- line by two days. Now he can add a PEST reject slip to his collection. Other writers contributed good, original stories. They were naturally, thrown in the waste basket. Jim Anderson, of the select Northeast Dorm Ander- sons, contributed an inside story of the Spanish-American War, straight from the lips of an hon- est-to-pete general. The staff en- joyed the story thoroughly be- fore it was thrown away. Jerry Litner, who had many things printed in the PEST be- fore he became a good writer, contributed several stories, in- 48 cluding a western and a Cities of America. They were so good we threw them away first. How- ever Jerry slipped back into the old formula and came up with "The Lion's Roar" and "The Roll That I Liked Best" so we used them. The young fellow in the sec- ond photo is Joe Gold. Joe gave us a wonderful story entitled "The Old Master of Old Mizzou" concerning a chess coach. It was terrific so we filed it with the rest. Joe's reject doesn't bother him however. He has a much better job with a much better maga- zine known as SHOWME. Joe writes a nice column called "The Goldbrick" and shows great promise. SHOWME readers can look for more of his work in the future. The picture demonstrates the contempt with which Joe holds his PEST reject slip. He is busily working for SHOWME. Tom Smith Have you seen that camera running around the campus?- the one with the worried looking guy attached to it? The guy is the slave of that camera and his name is Tom Smith-another one of the Smith clan. Tom came to the PEST with very good references from that SHOWME magazine. According to them he is the photo editor and takes most of the pictures they use in their Candidly Miz- zou section. Confidentially we've never heard of it. They say that Tom takes pic- tures even in his nightmares. He attends the University of Mis- s6uri School of Journalism (a lengthy name for J-school) where he is a news major. We understand that in at least one of his classes every time the word "picture" is mentioned, Tom slides weakly under the nearest seat. Tom also dwaddles in photos for other publications on the campus and is photo editor for a second rate year book with the obscure name of SAVITAR. We understand that the word is from the Tibetian and means "Three dollars down." Tom is 23, and a senior from Cameron, Missouri. He is also the president of Kappa Alpha Mu, photo fraternity . PHOTOS BY TOM SMITH Harzfeld's Camel Cigarettes