Missouri Showme January, 1948 Missouri Showme January, 1948 2008 1948/01 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194801

Missouri Showme January, 1948; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1948

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Missouri Showme Geology Dept. Univ. of Missouri 25 cents Future Issue (2048A.D.) Camel Cigarettes "It's the last time I'll let an Ag student get me a blind date!" ' -Octopus Stolen He Let's have a kiss. She-Not on an empty stomach. He--Of course not. Right where the last one was. -Pup "Hello, Joan, watcha doin' next Sat- urday night?" "Gotta date." "And the next Saturday night?" "Gotta date." "And the Saturday after that?" "Gotta date." "Good gawd, woman, don'tcha ever take a bath?" -Columns He (slyly)-I knew I'd love you the minute I heard about you. She-How did you know? He (triumphantly)-One of my frat brothers was out with you last week. -Widow "Pa, tell me how you proposed to Ma," requested the young hopeful. "Well, son, as I remember it was like this. We were sitting on the sofa one night at her home and she leaned over and whispered in my ear. "I said, 'Like hell you are.' "Next day we were married." -Pup "I didn't know she was a golfer when she asked me to play around." -Wampus S.A.E. No. 1--What are you doing with my raincoat on? S.A.E. No. 2-Keeping your suit dry. Wampus When she returned home from her date, her mother noticed that one of her shoes was muddy. "What makes your right shoe muddy and not your left?" she asked. "I changed my mind," she said simply. -VooDoo Judge-So they caught you with this bundle of silverware. Whom did you plunder? Yegg-Two fraternity houses, Your Honor. Judge-Call up the downtown hotels, sergeant, and distribute this stuff. -Pell Mell Mary had a little swing, It wasn't hard to find, For everywhere that Mary went The swing was right behind. Masquerader We heard about the tipsy pre-med the other night who called up Dr. Wassermann of national fame and when the good doctor answered the phone our inebriated friend said, "Hello, is this Dr. Wassermann?" The voice' answered, "Yes." And our friend said, "Are you positive?" -Record 1 "Oh, for Pete's sake, Laser, quit being so damn melodramatic about that 'F'." -Purple Parrot CENTRAL DAIRY Letters to the Editor As it is the usual custom to leave a suicide note I am leaving mine t9 you as I haven't a living relative who will claim me. The last few years I have been very unhappy. First I was married. Soon after my marriage, my father married my mother-in-law. This made my father my step father-in-law, and my wife my step sister. Through unhap- piness my wife and I were divorced, and shortly following, my father, who was my step father-in-law, and my step mother, who was my mother-in- law, were divorced. My father, who was my step father-in-law had a love affair with my divorced wife, who was my step sister, and they were married. This made my father, who was my step father-in-law, my step brother-in- law. Through jealousy I married my mother-in-law who was. my step mother. This made my first wife, who was my step sister, my step daughter-in-law, and my father my step son-in-law. Wanting to have children but unable, my present wife and I adopted a twenty-year-old daughter, and for the same reason my father and his present wife adopted a twenty-year-old son. Again through divorces we were all free to marry of our liking. My father, who was my step father-in-law, my step son-in-law, and my step brother-in-law, married my adopted daughter which once again made me the step father-in-law of my already step son-in-law. My second wife, who was my moth- er-in-law by my first marriage and my step mother, married the adopted son of my father. My first wife and I decided to marry again. This made me the step father-in-law of my moth- er-in-law, who was now my step daughter-in-law, my step mother, and my ex-second wife. Once again I am the husband of my first wite, who is my step sister and step daughter-in- law. Somewhere along the line I be- came my own step father, I think. This only made matters more compli- cated. A couple more divorces and re-marriages made things so bad I think we must have all been illegiti- mate in the frist place. Unable to. stand such nervous strain any longer I married a fourteen-year-old girl from Mars and am going to commit suicide as soon as I finish chug-a-lugging this last quart of strychhine. Yours 'til death do us part, -Gale Holsman. P. S. My real trouble started when my wife found I was dressing Natalie. Dear Sirs: At the November 19 meeting of the Glennon Club, Catholic student organization of the University, Step- hens, and Christian Colleges, a motion was passed that the club voice its dis- approval of the issue of SHOWME en- titled the SEX ISSUE. It is felt chat this issue was in very bad taste and definitely overstepped the bounds of even traditionally risque college pub- lications. We feel that a college magazine should be something to be proud of -a remembrance for future years; therefore of such content that this is possible. As members of the student body we do not feel that we can be proud of the November 19 issue with its entire theme of cheap vulgarity. Sincerely, Cyril Buersmeyer President Glennon Club We always try to welcome cirticism with the same enthusiasm as we do praise. We do not always know what will offend and what will entertain, and we appreciate your interest in the magazine. However, there are many indications which make us feel that SHOWME is accepted favorably by most readers. Outside of numerous compliments in our favor we have: (1) Sold out the last three issues, al- though we are printing 1,000 more than we did last year. (2) We have been reprinted in national magazines such as LIFE, VARSITY, and THE COLLEGIATE MAGAZINE. (3) We have been reprinted in such college magazines as the KITTY KAT, THE URCHIN, THE OCTOPUS, THE BURRO, etc. (4) Letters of praise have come from all over the country and other parts of the world such as Turkey, England, Belgium. (5, We hold the All-American Award, the highest award for college magazines in the country, from the National Scho- lastic Press Association.-Ed. CAMPUS JEWELRY Lane's H.R. Mueller Florist BUCHROEDER'S .7HE cover this month was drawn by Bill (Gabe) Gabriel who presages that the college classes of 2048 will take place anywhere in the universe. On the cover Gabe envisages a geology field trip to the moon, a regular 3:30-5:30 MWF lab. "The rest of the University keeps up with the times also," Gabe says. "Work on the new student union has been planned to start in 2049." Showme Sales Girls Dorothy Valle-Alpha Chi Omega Marilyn Hill-Delta Gamma Sue Harris-Gamma Phi Beta Marilyn Scott-Kappa Alpha Theta Corinne Sartorius-Zeta Tau Alpha Pat Hughes-Delta Delta Delta Joy Scrinopski-Alpha Epsilon Ph Dorothy Hirst-Kappa Kappa Gamma Stephens College Representatives Jane Tigrett Joy Kuyper Donna Kenball Billie King Susie Stevens Carole Beaumont Margret Irvin Christian College Representatives Kit McKartney Sue Henley Special Salesmen Bill McCarter Bill Herr THE STAFF Editor in Chief Mort Walker Business Manager Phil Sparano Advertising Director Frank Mangan Art Editor Bill Gabriel Story Editors Cnarles Barnard Ted Sperling Modeling Director Mel Mitchell Photo Editors Clyde Hostetter Bob Tonn Make-up Editor Dick Sanders Collections Jim Higgins Features Dob Rowe Saul Gellerman Bob Wells Coleman Younger Pat Ryan Diana Pattison Jerry Litner Don Dunn Peter Mayer John Trimble Art Staff Flash Fairfield Bob Abbett Tom Ware Bill Juhre Bill Davey Frank Feindel Advertising Staff Jean Suffill Bob Summars Harvey Dunn Bill Streeter Circulation Director Dick Hall Publicity Director Keith Chader Business Staff Tom Laco Gladys Marsh Missouri Showme 'LIFE AT MIZZOU AS SEEN THROUGH SWAMI'S CRYSTAL BALL." SHOWME, OCT. 1920 CONTENTS JANUARY, 1948 SHOWME KING AND QUEEN The royal end to a dramatic contest. After parades, posters, handbills, radio plugs, specialty acts at dances, and other campaign stunts, the ballots were cast and counted. Emerging victorious, Marilyn Bange and John Morrissey, Your King and Queen of the ear! ". I REMEMBER." A stream of consciousness short story containing all the bitterness and the pathos of a young veteran against the world. MISSOURI CAMPUS 2048 One of our staff cartoonists looks into the ink bottle to see what the campus will be like one hundred years from now. ROSCOE RETURNS How would you feel if you had the same experience that Roscoe and Rip Van Winkle had? How would you feel if you passed out in the Shack and awoke 100 years later to find a world of air-born students in glass class rooms? PROGRAMITIS Did you ever find yourself fiddling with a program until it was mutilated beyond recognition? Then you have PROGRAMITITS. It is a common malady with most theater and play goers but there are only a few who excel in the art. ROWE'S CROW'S NEST There isn't a thing that escapes the caustic eye of our roving humorist. He even finds something funny to say about finals. Published monthly during the school year by the students of the University of Missouri sponsored by Sigma Delta Chi, national journalism fraternity. Printed by Modern Litho-Printing Co., Jefferson City, Mo., Anton Hiesberger, owner. Contributions from the students of the university welcomed but the editors cannot assume responsibility for unsolicited material. Address contributions to THE SHOWME, Neff Hall, Missouri University, Columbia, Mo. Subscription rates: $2.00 in Columbia for nine issues during school year. $2.50 by mail outside Columbia. Single issues 25 cents. WE dipped into the future far as SHOWME eyes could see, Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonders that would be, Saw the campus filled with creatures looking strangely specialized. Man's appitudes had changed him to befit the job he tried. 6 Around the Columns Overheard Two professors were talking and we heard one say, "I dread final week, it's such a job to grade the papers. January A cold grey slate-colored mood hangs over the world . . . vacation time is just a memory . . . slush and final week are upon us . . spring time will never come. . At this point, we even think jokes like "I hear your husband dresses Natalie," are funny . . . we are forced to listen to lectures because the view out the window is disenchanting. . Hold on. chin up. better days are just around the corner . put down that pistol . . . if you think you have troubles you should have seen Jesse Wrench trying to get his beard out of his jacket zipper. It's a Dog's Life Speech experts say now that dogs can be taught to speak Eng- lish. The dogs are limited to sen- tences of one or two words but they will be able to put across an idea such as "Feed me," and "Want out." * The St. Louis Post Dispatch also revealed that dog foods are being prepared in color now. A differ- ent color every day keeps the dog from becoming bored. Suddenly we realized that Rover is developing more privileges around the home than the Old Man who hasn't gotten a word in edge-wise for the last ten years, and has had to put up with the same monochromatic gruel his en- tire married life. We've Got It Wired We read that the college stu- dents at Berkeley, Calif., are using wire recordings of lectures instead of taking notes. The student mere- ly hangs a mike on the teacher's desk and works the recorder from his seat. This system enables the student to hear the lecture as often as he likes by replaying it. Some of the students also use cameras to record blackboard notes of experi- mental displays. If this can be indicative of a har- binger of future classroom proce- dure, we can picture college as it will be in a few years from now. Professors will be hosen in much the same manner as movie and radio stars on the basis of photo- genics and voice appeal. Students will not be required to attend classes as long as their recorders are present and boning up for a final would take hours of listening time. We figure that you would have to replay fifty-four hours of lecture time to study for a three hour course for one semester. If you turn your imagination loose on the subject, you can vis- ualize the campus of tomorrow where the book stores sell wire re- cordings instead of textbooks, where students go to class with re- cording equipment instead of note- books, where the instructor will look like President Truman giving a radio speech, and where grades will be sent out on a little piece of wire. We don't know what to think of this mechanized system of edu- cation except that it will solve the paper shortage. Now there will undoubtedly be a wire shortage. For Men Only It has come to the attention of the male of the species that the female has aagin overstepped her precinct. "Playing the pin-ball machines," the male says, "is a man's work, and a woman bel'ind a machine is out of her element." Not only does a woman lack the physical prowess to castigate the 7 machine from side to side but she lacks the vocabulary of soothing four letter words which influence the ball's itinerary. Side-Comment We have no comment on the comment in the last issue of COM- MENT on the comment we made about COMMENT in the Novem- ber Issue, except that they failed to put question marks after their question. COMENT, by the way, is the only newspaper in the world that can discuss such momentus issues as The Taft-Hartley Bill, The Food Conservation Program, The Mar- shall Plan, and The Hemispheric Treaty in one paragraph. This Is Final One of the evilest forms of med- ieval torture still in existence is Final Week. An infinite number of hours of black coffee drinking, and chain cigarette smoking are spent in an efort to crowd a mul- titude of facts into the small space known as the mind. Ten minutes after a test everything is forgotten and what do you have to show for your trouble? Grades. And what are grades? We offer this honest interpretation: "E" stands for, "Evidently I am extremely intelligent to procure a grade of such eminence." "S" stands for, "Should have gotten an 'E.' An "S" seems slight- ly secondary . . . but satisfying." "M" stands for, "My God, I thought I flunked." "I" stands for, "I'm irritated but it's better than an F." "F" stands for, "Fortunately I had fun this fall." So while you are preparing for your finals keep this in mind and remember what the great sage, Coleman Younger, said about studying "Long hours of study are all bolonely; The key to success is a well- made pony." This Is the Law Browsing through the Revised Ordinances for the city of Colum- bia, we came across several laws which could set the Boston Blue laws to shame. Did you know that in Columbia it is unlawful to throw dead bodies down a cis- tern according to Ordinance No. 19, Article 1, section 383. Also in Article 1, we find that it is ille- gal for men to wear women's cloth- ing in a public place. (We won- der how this affects the Savitar Frolics.) Sec. 28 states that it is a mis- demeanor to be naked within the city limits during the time between sunrise and one hour after sunset. Nothing is said about the rest of the time. Sec. 30 prohibits the circula- tion of lascivious books or pam- phlets. Now we're almost afraid to sell the Showme around town. Sec. 33 places a fine from $25 to $100 on anyone enticing girls under eitgheeen years of age. Sec. 36 makes it unlawful for lewd women to act as beer car- riers. Sec. 37 says that no beer can be sold on the first day of the week, "commonly called Sunday." Sec. 38 makes anyone who plays cards or any other game of chance, guilty of a misdemeanor. Sec. 40 prohibits the playing of "Three-card Monte." Sec. 380 says that "Whoever in this city shall charivari any person shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor. Sec. 17 deems as nuisance any boarding house which is "not suf- ficiently lighted, ventilated, sup- plied with water, and kept in a clean and sanitary condition." Sec. 20 specifies how privies should be constructed. Sec. 1481 authorizes the mayor to call out every male inhabitant over eighteen and under fifty to act as a posse. Promoting A sorority girl answered the phone the other day and the fol- lowing conversation ensued: "Hello." "Hello, this is the social chair- man at the Phi Delt house." "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to fix up one of the boys over here with a good date." "How old is he?" "Twenty-five." "How old?" "Twenty." "How old did you say?" "Sixteen." "And how tall?" "Oh, I'm about five eight." SUGGESTED COURSES Spring 1948 (For those who appreciate the finer things in life) 323 Consolidated Statements (2) For after dinner speakers especially. 370 Land Renting Problems (2) Further explanation of the plight of second level base- ment dwellers. 304 Rabbit Production (2) A course in higher mathe- matics. 3 Elementary Observing (1) What to look for and where to find it. 315 Rapid Reading (2) Prerequisite for Economics 51 306 Transportation (3) Scientific explanation of the raising and lowering of con- vertible tops. 270 Wire Communication (4) Latest methods for complet- ing phone calls to sorority houses at 7 P. M. 335 Ice Cream (3) For teetotalers and girls un- der 18. 56 Minor Games (2) Elementary course in petting. 424 Paleozoric Startigraphy (3- 5) 365 The Romantic Period (3) Life history of man from the age of 5 to 75. 233 Illumination (3) Especially recommended for chaperones. 199 Distinction (credit to be ar- ranged) For men of . Operation Prognostication In issues past, with owlish glee, We've Welcomed, Exposed, and Sexed; And now we crystal-gaze to see -What.the hell will happen next. -Gellerman. 9 "Oh, we broke up as soon as she made her New Year's resolutions." Showme Presents MARILYN BANGE as Queen of the Year Junior in Arts and Science, majoring in sociology . . . secretary, S.G.A. dance commit- tee . . . Workshop . . . Intramural sports . . . college board at Suzanne's . . . model, college board at the Country Club . . .Kappa Alpha Theta . . . 5'4" . . . 113 . . .Vital statistics: 34- 23- 33 . . . Age 20 . . . St. Louis. BEE GEE CONRAD as Maid of Honor Sophomore in Arts and Science, pre-journalism . KEA (sophomore honorary) . . . Read Hall recreation committee . . . S.G.A. athletic commit- tee . . .Baby Show chairman . . . freshman orientation . . . Delta Delta Delta. . 5'5V2" . . 116 . . . Vital statistics: 34- 24- 35 . . . Age 19 . . Clarksville, Missouri. Showme Presents JOHN MORRISSEY as King of the Year Sophomore in Arts and Science, pre-journalism o . Navy veteran . . . Phi Kappa Psi . . 6'1/2" o , 185 . . . Age ? . . Bloomington, Illinois, BAILEY FLEMMING as King of Honor Senior in Business and Public Administration . .Pi Kappa Alpha . 6'0" . . 160 . Age 21 o . Moberly, Missouri. 12 "...I remember." by Dran Rabb I remember it all very clearly. I remember how bright the .32 calibre bullets looked as I stuffed them into the clip, remember the snap the clip made as I kicked it home, remember pulling the slide to move the first one into the chamber. It was going to be an easy job. A restaurant on the East side. Eddie gave me the tip. He work- ed there nights. He said the guy who ran it was a dope and that by midnight there was always lots of jack in the till. I remember how confident I was when I left the flat about midnight. It was raining. The automatic was heavy in my right pocket. It pulled my coat so the right sleeve stuck out under my rain coat. The streets were quiet and wet. Oc- casional auto headlights gleamed on the slick asphalt. A prowl car crept by me, going the same way. I wasn't nervous. Those days were over for me. I knew they couldn't hang much on me for carrying the gun. It was using it that they didn't like. For a minute I re- membered the job in Cleveland. But, that was before the war. When I was about three blocks from the place, I stopped to light a cigarette. I stopped under a street light and didn't see the cop standing in the shadows. My heart gave a thump when he moved and I saw the light shine on his badge. I nodded to him and he said some- thing back. I walked a little faster. I didn't like him being so close to the place. I thought may- be he was following me. They had had my picture in the Cleve- land papers. But that was before the war. I was changed now. It was a little place with big glass windows in front .and a red neon sign that said EATS. I could see Eddie inside. He was wiping off the counter with a rag. I stopped in the shadows to look the layout over. It was simple. I looked around, but the cop was gone. I saw Eddie look at his watch. I looked at mine. It was 12:10. It was time. I went in. The place was empty and quiet. It was so quiet that I could hear the glass coffee makers simmering on the electric plates. The juke box changed colors silently in the corner like a dumb rainbow. I sat down at the coun- ter, and Eddie came over to wait on me. He put a glass of water down on the counter and then looked quickly at the cash register at the other end. I had seen it. I could hear noises in the back room like packing cases being stacked up. Eddie jerked his thumb in that direction. It was the boss. The dumb one that he'd told me about. Suddenly I thought it would be easier to pull the stick up on Eddie. He'd hand over the cash and that would be it. Then I saw the telephone on the wall. If I stuck up Eddie, the dumb one might use it. If I stuck up the dumb one, I knew Eddie wouldn't. better to stick to the plan. "What for you," said Eddie, pulling his pad of checks out of the apron string that was tied around his middle. The pencil was short and stubby in his fin- gers. I noticed his hands were red. From washing dishes, I guessed. "Black coffee," I said. I said it loud so the dumb one would hear me. He had to come out of that back room! Edide answered me loud. "Ole black joe,- comin' up." Just then he came out of the back room. He was a little guy, about my age. He had on army pants and an army shirt. His apron was clean and starched. In his hand he had a big can of sugar and he started filling sugar bowls on the counter. I remember how I wished that I wouldn't have to shoot him. He had a sort of friendly face. Edide had told me that he didn't think the guy ever left the restaurant. Seemed to work night and day. The place was pretty new and he was trying hard to please the customers. I stirred my coffee. It was almost time. I figured I'd wait until he filled the sugar bowl on the counter in front of me. It would be better that way. Less obvious. I remem- ber how I wished that the place didn't have such big windows. If that cop were standing across the street, he could see everything just like I had seen Eddie before I came in. He had three sugar bowls to fill before he got to mine. I slipped my hand into my right coat pocket. The gun felt heavy and cold, yet (Continued on page 26) "How are they selling?" Missouri Goes Und derground In 2048 Frozen Gold Ice Cream PUCKETT'S History Repeats Itself Browsing through the news- paper files in the STUDENT of- fice the other day we came across several ironical historical content. The following dates and headlines tell their own story. The drive for the Student Union wsa started in 1919. September 19, 1929. Students demand completion of Memorial Union. September 26, 1929. Committee authorizes union drive for funds. "Work on the wings of the new student union to start at once." October 21, 1929. Extra! Extra Edition Governor Henry S. Caulfield to head large parade of Memorial Union backers. President Brooks will grant a holiday if the goal is attained. Committee to search two contin- ents for chimes for the tower. October 9, 1929. Students asked by Memorial committee to make suggestion to architects for Union Building. (The front page carr _d a pic- ture of the proposed Union. The same one, incidentally, that we are looking at again.) Octobre 30, 1929. Memorial drive work is halted. Students await report from the Board of Curators. October 8, 1930. Construction of South Wing of Union to start immediately. October 22, 1930. Construction of Student Union to start shortly. October 1, 1947. SGA lays groundwork for Stu- dent Union. TO A POET A COUPLA YEARS HENCE (With apologies to James Elroy Flecker) used to have your job myself A coupla years ago, But I've lost touch with many things I'm curious to know: Of whether homesick cows can cure Nostalgia with a pill And whether bathroom baritones Are hunting Chloe still. And tell me, future laureate, is Wrench around about? Is Jesse still as odd as when I wrote on himn (no doubt)? Is gin now made in swimming pools, Or in the olden way; In bathtubs brewed throughout the week, (Except on Saturday). Do fish drink glue on New Year's Eve? Has Mumbles learned to talk? And do the hems of women's skirts Still trip them when they walk? But say, are test-tube births in vogue? Then I pity you your fate. You miserable, hapless guy: You were just born too damned late! --Saul Gellerman. Dear Folks. The University is giving us two weeks off to give the student body a rest. Don't know why. Middlebush was just tired, I guess. Anyway, I'm coming home. Probably get in Saturday night. Maybe I'll even get there in time to trot down to Morrie's and catch the whiffenpoofs assembling (.with their bi-focals raised on high) Dad, You better get the Essex ready. Fill her up with ethyl, pnd tell Ethyl I'm sorry I didn't write. I meant to all semester but things kept coming up. Like Gertrude. Gertrude, there was a girl. What.But never mind about those. Anyway, I'm coming home. Columbia is in a dither. Hope I can get on the train. I'm getting my ticket tomorrow. .I got my ticket today. From the looks of the ticket, I think I'm going to Buffalo by way of the trans- Siberian railroad. .had to wait for the train. Some farmer was late with his load of wood and the Cannon Ball was two hours tardy getting up steam. I fell asleep. 20 .I awoke just in time to see the train leaving the station without me. When I asked when the next train left, they said, "Whaddya think this is, Grand Central? The'next train' is the one that just left when it gets back." .I got inside dope that a bus was leaving at midnight so I decided to give it a try. Collins closed a few minutes before take- off time. What a crowd. I didn't have a chance, closed the door right in my face. .The next bus was at 3:30 A.M. I went out to get a fifth of refreshment while waiting. When I sobered up I was in Arizona. (See picture bottom left.) It looked like a pretty dry state so I did not want to spend the holiday there. My roundtrip ticket brought me back to Columbia. .broke now. I tried my thumb on the highway and swore I'd stay there 'til I got a lift or hell froze over. It froze over. See you in June. Get the Essex ready. Fill it up with Ethyl. Your Loving Son, William Dentyne Chewing Gum Coca-Cola UGH! IT'S LEAP-YEAR! By Pat Ryan, Jr. Oh, let us paunse to shed a tear- For 1948 is here! Romance will soon be gelling dee per, For, once again, we note it's leap- Year. And who'll protect the hapless male From girls deter mined "not to fail"? Yea- tall and short- girls of all ager- (lose' girls let front their cages. Not only are there qeens and sb/arpies- As u'ell, (alack!) are hags and har pies. For three long years, Man picked his wate. Now, Woman will reciprocate. The celibate, once gay and free, Must struggle 'gainst raptivitfy! And Woman, once the "Weaker Sex," Can get w'honev'er she selects! Consider, nlw, birds, bees, and flowers, Their social se/-up's not like ours. What of the bird? What of the bee? They have no Leap-Year-Why should we? If John W. Cooper, Jr., will appear in person with his copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, he will receive a carton of Chesterfield cigarettes. -Fromn the Columbia Missourian. Two. articles which appeared one above the other. Wife Reports Tomlin Missing From Home George Tomlin, 24,. of 207 Mon- roe St., has been ,reported to po- lice as missing from his home since George Tomlin Enlists In Airborne Division George Arthur Tomlin, 24, left for Ft. Riley, Kan., Tuesday for ex- asinattnaw after enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division for three years. Roscoe Returns by M.R. Walksand koscoe rubbed his eyes and slowly looked around the room. "I must have fallen asleep," he thought to himself. The Shack was crowded and smoke-filled as usual. He didn't see any of the good brothers around. "Must have left me under the booth to sleep it off." He opened the screen door and yawned in the fresh air. "Gotta stop drinking in the after- noon. . Roscoe tucked his books under his arm and started down Conley. A peculiar buzzing filled his ears. It was like the world was filled with thousands of humming bees. He rubbed his ears, but the sound persisted. It seemed to come from above. He looked up. "Locusts!" he cried. He looked again, and his mouth dropped. The sky was almost black with flying objects. Objects of all kinds. There were dogs and cats, men and women, machines, and numerous other things he couldn't identify. "It's caught up with me-the DT's!" And he dashed for the CD for a bromo. Then he began to notice other strange things. The CD wasn't there. In its place stood a 300 story automat with a sign on the door, "Deposite Your Mills as You Enter." Completely confused, he whirled around. "Where's Jesse Hall? Where's the library? Where am I?" Roscoe was total- ly surrounded by towering glass buildings. He looked at himself-same shoes, same pants, same jacket. He leafed through his "Basic Prin- ciples of Economics" --"Even, therefore, although beyond (say) 20,000 units, there is, however, no increase of marginal costs . . ." Same textbook. "Then I'm not crazy. I am here. This is the same old me." He looked at the buildings again. He pinched himself. "Ouch! And I'm awake. But what is all this?" He laughed slyly to him- self. "Someone's playing tricks on me. Those fraternity brothers of mine will stop at nothing to play a practical joke." Reassuredly he started for home. "What's the matter old man- your degravitator broke?" Roscoe looked over his shoulder at the fellow floating in the air behind him. "Old man-how would you like a book bounced off your head?" "Hey fellows, look at this char- acter. Look at the old fashioned books. They've got pages and everything." "Where did you swipe them- in a museum?" "Now look, fellows. This ceases to ýe funny. Why don't you leave me alone for a while?" Annoyed, Roscoe yawned. "I'm going home and hit the sack." "Hit the sack? You know no- body sleeps in this day and age with these energizing pills." "Maybe he thinks he's back in the old car and plane days when they had a night time and the peo- ple slept half their lives away." (Continued on page 31) 23 "He isn't crazy - she's got last year's Econ exams!" Programitis by Don Marshall IT doesn't make much differ- ence what kind of program it is: workshop, play, concert, Savitar Frolics, or graduation, most all programs are made of pliable ma- terial that you can bend, fold, tear, or chew . . . and most of us have programitis. There is only one type of program you should refuse to take. One must avoid the pro- gram printed on the back of fly- paper. It might stick to your nose or get mixed up in the woman's hair in front of you. Every expert and qualified pro- gram mutilator (those who have programitis) is on the constant lookout for persons who purport to be genuine, but lack the finesse necassary for really good mutila- tion. These quacks can readily be distinguished from the college graduate. We shall touch lightly on the fundamentals of handling a pro- gram: 1. Be sure to get a program for every occasion and instruct your companion to get one. 2. If you lose your program be- fore finding your seat, get down on all fours and look for it. This will allow you to pick up programs that other people have dropped who couldn't risk the strain on their corsets. 3. Immediately upon sitting down, tear a small hole in the cen- ter of your program. Hold it high in your hands and pretend to read. 24 In this manner you can look at the crowd cirtically without being noticed. .Be careful of the curious adolescent who is always sticking pencils and other sharp objects in small holes. Don't make the mis- take of holding the program in- verted. 4. Never read your program to find out why you're there. The greenhorn often does this uncon- sciously, but soon corrects himself. 5. The first step usually consists of folding the program in half. *Never tear it at this stage. It can be more fully utilized by folding or spindling at first. In other words . . don't be a cut-up too soon. 6. The sharp edges of the pro- gram can be used to clean under the fingernails or dislodge frag- ments of food from the teeth. 7. Don't wait too long to make your airplanes. This must be done while the paper is still stiff and fairly neat. 8. Attract attention from the stuffed shirts by throwing the air- plane in their direction and then requesting that it be passed back. No thanks is required since this is an established practice in all theater houses of any merit. 9. Scallop the edges of the pro- gram, fold several times, and tear designs in it, making a very elab- orate pattern for a doily. 10. Shortly before the curtain goes up ,tear it in very small pieces, "I have your final examinations graded and ready to hand back." too small to sweep easily, and ask your neighbor if he minds you reading his. Grab it! 11. During the performance, make certain to point with the bor- rowed program. This will not only disengage the lady's hair in front of you, but it will indicate to every- one that you are still present. 12. At the crucial point of the performance, become nervous and fidgety. Keep moving the pro- gram in your hands, folding, roll- ing, tearing, and mangling it out of all recognition. After this is done, (work fast) ask the usher for another program so you can see something important in this last part of the performance. The usher wil scowl if he has been watching you. Don't be disturbed by his reaction . . he's paid to dis- tribute programs. You may thank him if you wish, but you will prob- ably be looked down upon. 13. Now that you have the new program you may begin your work all over again until the show is over. 14. When the performance is finished, throw your program away, making sure that it lands flat so that the janitor will have a hell of a time sweeping it up. 15. On the way out ask the usher for another program to be kept as a souvenir of the occasion. Then take it home an put it some- where . . . anywhere. It doesn't make any difference. You'll never look at it again. If Elizabeth Ann Ricker will appear in person with her copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, she will receive a carton of Chesterfield cigarettes. GOLDEN CAMPUS The Novus Shop The Hut ESSER DRUG STORE I REMEMBER... (Continued from page 15) friendly and familiar. I thumbed off the safety, but didn't put my finger through the trigger guard yet. He had two sugar bowls to go. He was slow and careful about it, wiping up the sugar he splilled each time. Eddie was standing behind him, watching both of us and looking out the window once in a while. He knew. For a minute I won- dered how much was in the cash register. Edide said I could ex- pect two hundred any night after twelve. I remember of thinking that it was such an easy job that I would pull it for as little as fifty. He was filling the sugar bowl next to mine when Eddie gave me the danger sign. I put the auto,:.-:ic back on safe and waited. A guy walked in out of the rain, sat down at the other end of the counter and or- dered coffee. I cursed. The boss served the guy his coffee. I ordered another cup. Edide gave it to me. He looked at me hard for a minute and I knew that he was cursing too. The guy who had come in was talkative. The boss told Eddie to finish filling the sugar bowls. Then he leaned up against the in- side of the counter and talked to the newcomer. I figured they might talk a long time. I got up and. put a quarter in the juke box and pushed down the first five numbers. I thought music might discourage their conversation. I wanted that damn newcomer to leave! The job had to be pulled when the place was empty. I look- ed at my watch. It was 12:27. The juke box was loud, but I could still hear what they were saying. Eddie was making a fresh pot of coffee. I could see he was nervous. He kept looking out the window, "When did you get out?" the newcomer was askhg. "April, '46. I was in thirty- nine months." The dumb one seemed glad for someone to talk to. Once in a while he would glance down the coutner at me. I stirred my second cup. "That's a long time," said the newcomer. "Overseas?" "Yeah, sure. France and Ger- many. "Infantry?" "No. Airborne," said the boss. He looked at me again. You could tell he was dumb. Eddie was right. "Eighty-second or hundred and first?" said the newcomer. He was interested. The second record be- gan to play in the juke box. It wasn't as loud as the first. Eddie was busy putting saltine crackers in little individual bags to serve with soup. "I was in both for a while," said the boss. "Say, I'll bet you were at Bas- togne!" The newscomer was stir- ring his coffee fast now. "You're Goddamned right I was! I was with the 82d then. Hundred and thirty-eighth regi- ment." "No kidding! I was with the hundred tenth. We were on your right, remember?" Brother Bill: My brother fell into a vat Of Father's finest beer, We waited several hours But he didn't reappear. I never saw him after that, I guess I never will- But often when I blow the foam I think, perhaps its Bill! -Coleman Younger. BENGAL SHOP The Cupboard MISSOURI STORE COMPANY "Remember? How can I for- get you bastards? You guys showed so much light at night that the Krauts sent an armored divi- sion over to look at us!" They both laughed. The third record began to play on the juke box. That's when I stood up. I slipped my right hand into my pocket and pulled out a dime. It rang on the counter. Before Eddie could pick it up, I was out the door. I walked up the street in the rain. I passed the same cop again. I nodded and he said something back. There was an all night drug store on the next corner. I went in, found the phone booth and called Eddie. When he answered I could still hear the juke box playing. He didn't dare ask any questions over the phone, so I didn't have any trouble telling him. "When you think of it, Eddie," I said, "tell your boss that you've got a friend who was in the hun- dred thirty-eighth regiment at Bas- togne too. And, Eddie-tell him that any guy who came out of there deserves all the breaks." I left the automatic in the booth. It wasn't mine anyway; I'd picked it up in Cleveland before the war. If John C. Kibbe will appear in per- son with his copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, he will receive a carton of Chesterfield cigar- ettes. Midsemester Grades The Moving Finger writes, and, hav- ing writ Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half an They send your grades home; that's an end to it. Rowe's Crow's Nest 2048, A. M. (After Middlebush), University of Missouri, Columbia. "And now it gives me great honor and joy to lay this corner- stone on the new Missouri Uni- versity Student Union." "I tell you, you kids at MU to- day think it's rough? Why, when I was here in 1948 . ." Flash: Jesse Wrench again heads Tiger Claws. "In compliance with Presiden- tial Order No. 3, issued in 1948, the city of Columbia is going to lower room rents for students." "Let's go to the Hinkson." "Any Stephens girl who is caught leaving the Stephens College campus at any time will be imme- diately expelled. Also, if caught talking to a boy, she will be ex- pelled. And remember, girls, our spies are everywhere." "No two-way wrist radios will be allowed in class during exam- inations." This will be the last issue of SHOWME. From here on in it has been banned! Attention: SGA Dance tomor- row night at Rothwell Gym. Bring your own Air-wicks. Unit three of the Columbia Taximen's Bowling Association added four more points to their already huge score last night when one of the unit members bowled down four pedestrians near the campus. Read COMMENT today: Read both sides of the current problem, '"Should Students Without Con- vertibles Be Admitted to MU." Another plank has been added to the Shack to accommodate an- other sixty beer drinkers. Columbia City Council has again renounced plans for cock- tail lounges. "I don't see why Columbia needs cocktail lounges," said a member, "when I can get just as good cocktails in my own home." Molly Malloy, MU student who tripped over her long skirt and busted her skull the other day, said: "I railize thwat Mamselle might disapprove of this remawk, but th' Hell with dez long skoits." Don't miss the Savitar Frolics. This unusual school show, which hasn't been presented since it was banned in 1948, will be resumed soon. "You say your home is on the Moon. What are ya dbin' way out here?" '9 "Boy, I'm sure glad I wore my overshoes today!r Pabst Blue Ribbon Charlie's THE BLACK RIBBON John, being a mortal, went the way of all men, and fell in love with a girl. Her name was Helen. He started courting her in the usual manner, and things ran along in the usual manner. But, there was one thing he al- ways wondered about. Helen al- ways wore a black ribbon around her neck. He had never seen her once without that black ribbon. He never had nerve enough to ask her why she wore it. One day he proposed to her, and she accepted. . He then asked her why she always wore that ribbon. She said, "I can't tell you." He ignored this and married the girl anyway. She even wore the ribbon on the day of their marriage. That night when he was alone with her he pleaded to know the secret of the black ribbon, but she wouldn't tell him. They were married for years, and lived happily, but Helen still wore that black ribbon. John tried not to be a bore, but he couldn't help constantly asking her about that ribbon. The day came when John was lying on his death bed. As he lay there he turned to her and said, "We've been married all these years and I haven't once seen you without that ribbon, and you've never told me why you wear it. I'm dying now, please won't you tell me. Don't let me die without ever knowing." "All right," she said. She untied the ribbon and her head fell off. -Litner. If Hilliard Holbrook, II, will appear in person with his copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, he will reecive a carton of Chesterfield cigarettes. ROSEOE RETURNS. (Continued from page 2s) "All right," Roscoe said. "I give up. Let me go home for din- ner so I can go to bed." "Dinner? What are you, a re- actionary? Here, have a ham- burger." And one of the group tossed him a small white capsule. "Better wake up, Rip Van. This is 2048." And laughingly, they flew off. "Rip Van. 2048 . 2048 . Rip Van." He thought for a minute and shrugged off such a horrible idea. "What I need is another beer," he said. Back in the Shack, Roscoe felt comfortable again. Things were just as he had always known them. He settled back to enjoy his beer. "Rip Van," he mused. "What if I did pass out for a hundred years?" He looked around the room again. "At least everything here is un- changed, eternal. I can spend the rest of my life right here." He glanced out of the window and shuddered. .If Everett W. Ammons will appear in person with his copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, he will receive a carton of Chesterfield cigarettes. General Econ and Harry Gunnison Brown It was a door to which I found no Key; It was a Veil through which I could not see; Some little talk of "M" and "V" There was-and then an "F" from HGB. --Coleman Younger. If Robert L. Fulton will appear in person with his copy of SHOWME at the SHOWME office, Neff Hall, he will receive a carton of Chesterfield cigarettes. McQUITTY QUICK PRINTERS Lamb's THIS MONTH'S CONTRIBUTIONS. TOM WARE Tom is responsible for the car- toon in this issue of the first aid man awaiting classroom casualties. His style is the most sophisticated and ridiculous of any cartoonist on the staff. This is his second year on the staff and he still rations out his work for us. He doesn't want it to interfere with his social life. Although Tom has professional talent in cartooning and can start his drawings in ink without pre- liminary sketches, he is planning to be a geologist. His home is in Kansas City and he is a sophomore at the University. JERRY LITNER Some of the best cartoon and story ideas come from Jerry Litner. He seldom does finished work of any sort but holds down his posi- tion on the staff with his clever and refreshing ideas. This pecu- liar talent is exercised most fre- quently in Jerry's American gov- ernment class and his contributions are submitted on the margins of his class notes. While most crea- tive minds seek stimulus in other ways, Jerry's works as a release from the confines of the classroom. Jerry is responsible for the gag cartoon' idea of the first aid man awaiting classroom casualties which was drawn by Tom Ware. Jerry comes from Westport, Conn., is 19 years old, a freshman preparing for Journalism News. 32 He formerly wrote obituaries for the Bridgeport (Conn.) Telegram, which might account for his partic- ular brand of humor. He says he prefers ballet dancers, and his am- bitions "to do whatever I damn please." DICK HALL Our ace circulation manager who is responsible greatly for the increased circulation of the SHOWME this year, is Dick Hall. He has worked in this job for the last two years and has gotten it down to a system. The day before the magazine comes out he gets on the phone. He has all the house representatives alerted much the same as a general would alert his troops the day before the big at- tack. Then the next morning the salesman descend on the students like locusts devouring your quar- ters. Dick is from loomington, Ill., refuses to disclose hi sage, is an Ad major in J School, belongs to Alpha Delta Sigma, and Phi Psi Fraternities. After graduation, Dick wants to knock around the advertising racket selling advertis- ing and writing ad jingles for the radio. He recently became en- gaged and is still suffering from a hangover. SAUL GELLERMAN Poet Saul Gellerman claims the distinction of being the world's only New Yorker who's ashamed to admit it. When he was six years old his first-grade teacher told him he could write poetry, and he hasn't gotten the illusion Staff meetings every Tuesday at 7:30. Room 213 Walter Wil- liams Hall. out of his fool head yet. A Junior in the College of Arts and Science, Saul is 5' 10", very dark, (even when washed), and does not have a New York accent. He lives in a dingy old garret in the Bible College, where he writes his poems on old bedsheets with a pen dipped in hormones. For another ex- ample of his work, see page 19. JIM CROSS The photographs of the King and Queen in this issue were taken by Jim Cross. Jim set up the back- grounds in the basement of the DU house and studied the poses extensively before taking the final shots. A perfectionist, Jim did not like the first results and called the King and Queen back for another shooting several days later. Jim's home is in Des Moines, Iowa. He is 22 years old, a sopho- more preparing to enter Journal- ism advertising. He belongs to Delta Upsilon Fraternity and has a secret desire to take candid shots inside a girl's dormitory. Who hasn't? Easy Money Department We can't figure out whether we're soft- hearted or soft-headed. Anyway, Pepsi- Cola Company pays up to $15 for jokes, gags and stuff like that there for this page. Below we list some of the characters who hit the jack-pot in September. What have they got that you haven't got? Right- Easy Money! So climb on board the gravy train now. Send your gags, with your name, address, school and class, to Easy Money Depart- ment, Pepsi-Cola Co., Box A, Long Island City, N. Y. All contributions become the property of Pepsi-Cola Co. We pay only for those we print. (Getting "Pepsi-Cola" into your joke may not keep that rejec- tion slip from your door, but it might help. Who knows? Certainly not us!) LITTLE MORON CORNER Dubious Dave "Michaelangelo" Moron, the would-be artist who never believed what people told him, was discovered one day pouring Pepsi-Cola on his paint board. "They told me it would tickle my palette, he exclaimed, scowling fiercely, "but so far I haven't heard a single laugh!" The two bucks for this classic went to William D. Blair, Jr., of Princeton. What could be simpler, if anything? Send in your Moron gags . $2 each forthose we buy. JACKPOT At the end of the year, we're going to review all the stuff we've bought, and the item we think was best of all is going to get an extra 100oo.oo He-She Gags This is really a soft detail. Three bucks for just kicking it back and forth be- tween a Him and a Her. Duck soup! Three-dollar bills were sent to Barbara Fram, U. of Texas; Ira Gurney, New York Univ.; and Forest M. Cruse, U. of Texas, for these gags which limped in during the September contest: She: When I get in a drug store, I feel like an anarchist. He: Me too: Down with Pepsi. She: When you go to a restaurant, why do you always flirt with the wait- ress? He: I'm playing for big steaks. She: So long . . . I'm going on a Pepsi party with my two beaux. He: Beaux? She: Elbows! That's it. $3 each for any of these we print. Daffy Definitions We'll probably have to cut out this de- partment soon. These things are begin- ning to sound logical to us. Until that day, however, any Daffy Definition we buy rates a fast buck. Like these: Oboe-a cockney tramp. Plenty-what Pepsi-Cola's your best buy by. Barber shop-clip joint. You-what Pepsi's the drink for. Oyster-a fish that's built like a nut. At $1 apiece for these, your con- science should keep you up nights. But that's what we pay for those we print. GET FUNNY. WIN MONEY. WRITE A TITLE 6 99 ------- -------m ----- - ---- ------- - ----------- Here's a cartoon that needs something. Possibly adrenalin. Or maybe just a title. For cartoon captions we buy, we pay five bucks each. Or send us an original cartoon idea. $10 for just the idea . . $15 if you draw it-if we buy it. Easy Money for September cartoon captions went to Cadet R. J. Herte of the U. S. Military Academy, Laurence A. Ingwerson of Berkeley, Calif., and Tom Brody of Culver City, Calif. HASH ON THE HOUSE Here are a couple of miscellaneous gags we dredged up in the September contest. We couldn't classify 'em, but we thought they ought to be worth something. So we kicked in $2 each. Are we a soft touch! Little Susie, at her first basketball game, overheard someone say that the home team was "red hot," so she immediately ran out on the floor with 5 bottles of Pepsi-Cola! Sent in by Mrs. J. B. Kennedy, of Urbana, Ill. Robert's uncle had just returned from Africa and paid a visit to the college lad. "Bob, my boy," said the uncle, "I've brought you a trinket." With that, he took out a Pepsi-Cola and handed it to his nephew. "But this is a bottle of Pepsi-Cola," exclaimed the boy. "Why, sure it is," said his uncle, "so . . . trinket!" Sent in by Leonard Blostein, of Washington Square College, New York University. Chesterfield Cigarettes