Missouri Showme February, 1951 Missouri Showme February, 1951 2008 1951/02 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195102

Missouri Showme February, 1951; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1951

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Missouri Showme February 1951 $00.25 Draft Issue The Blue Shop Pucketts Campus Beauty Shop Central 2 letters Dear Editor; Please send me free a few sample copies of Missouri Show- me ect., by first class mail, and what do you charge me when I order of each issue 50 copies? I await your reply via airmail and thank you in anticipation. HAPPY NEW YEAR May the New Year bring with it the fullest measure of justice, peace and brotherhood among all nations and all men. Yours very truly, Chen Lien-chi Garut, Java, Indonesia Well said Chen Lien-chi--Ed. Deara Editor, I'ma lika yousa magazine and I woulda lika to take thisa chance to tella yousa justa how mucha I'ma like it. I'ma what you calla a trans- ferrable student, anda I'ma know college magazines. Yousa got a funy one there anda I'ma gonna raisea my bam- binoes to reada yousa magazine. Jussa thot I woulda write ana say hello. I'ma truly yours, Tony Marshamello Thanks for the words of encour- agement, Tony-Ed. GOLDEN CAMPUS Peterson's Studio editor's ego FOR THE first time in many, many years the Showme editor- ship has shifted from J-School to Arts and Sciene. Only a guy like Herb Green could have ach- ieved such a revolution. Herb came to Showme in Sep- tember of 1949 with a cartoon for the "Sweatsock Issue". Editor Bill Gabriel immediately nailed him to a long-term contract and the story began. Since that time Herb has grown steadily in importance on the Showme staff. His art work has reached an excellence sel- dom seen in college publications and seldom excelled even in the "slicks." His center-spread rendition of "Mizzou in the Twenties" in the "Anniversary Issue" is without doubt one of the finest pieces of cartoon composition ever seen in Showme. Herb originated the idea of shifting from the "regu- lar" type of center-spread with his cartoon character-sketches, which found immediate success. Herb is the kind of staff man that editors wish for--the kind that does his work plus the work that others won't do. This past sociate editor, supervising the art staff and its work. Herb is 24, a senior from Mer- riam, Kansas; a member of Del- ta Upsilon, social fraternity; and a Navy veteran. Herb's greatest desire, believe it or not, is to be a writer. But he seems to be getting used to the idea that "maybe" he can cartoon. -JERRY Business Manager Homer Ball Business Secretary Shirley Davis Circulation Managers Dude Haley Dick Sedler Sales Manager Dick Rogers Secretary Mary Ann Fleming Joke Editor Mel Britt Staff Editor-in-chief Herb Green Associate Editor Herb Knapp Advertising Director Ed Overholser Photo Editor Tom Smith Publicity Directors Fred Seidner Marshall Siegel Exchange Secretary Mary Ann Dunn Art Staff: Pat Kilpatrick, Marilyn McLarty, Photos: Gene Rapier, Advertising: Joy Kuyper, Carroll Sand, Sally Lofquist, Peggy Marak Features: Don Dunn, Jerry Litner, Fred Shapiro, Bob Skole, Publicity: Coleman Breece, Phil Cohen, Jay Goldman, Doris Gordon, 4 Lloyd Hellman, Judy Klawans, Joy Laws. Circulation: Bill Alexander, Bob Herman, Jerry James, Harold Wiley Missouri Showme Your Campus Humor Magazine Contents The Duchess Colonel Kruss, of the Third Irregular Regiment, faces the toughest campaign of his military career with an al- luring Duchess, who has a plan, by his side . 14 After You're Gone Bob Skole writes of how Mary and Pvt. Peter tell their friends of the pre-draft days at college-only with a new tw ist . 18 How To Flunk The Draft Does the Army stare at you with anticipation? Are you worried about making the Army a career? Are you sweating out the draft? If so, here are six ways to stay for that master's degree . 20 Mizzou Draft Board Don "Pasquali" Pengally calmly sketches what the college man look to with eagerness-the draft board . 22 Adolph Goes Straight Oscar, con-Man superb, has a plan to make money and keep the more unfortunates out of the army--if you have draft fever take heed . 24 COVER BY HERB GREEN Volume 27 February, 1951 Number 6 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3.30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. 5 WHEN Uncle Sam points, No student can linger; The Army gets men- At the sign of the finger. 6 around the columns Overheard Over a cup of coffee: "I understand they're going to draft women in the next war." "Yeah, maybe they'll get some for enlisted men, too." Passing Thoughts Boone County ham is getting a lot of nice publicity lately. ever since we said something nasty about it. Life magazine accused Bob Hope of stealing jokes.and we thought we were only the second ones to use them. They've invented a device that runs a factory all by itself .now we can get rid of the useless human animal They've also invented a gad- get that shows anything wrong with an automobile.it prob- ably lights up and says, "It s no damn good." Foreign families in the U.N. are shocked by the younger Am- erican generation . wait 'til they have to fight them in their war. Beetle Walker People keep coming up to us and saying, "Whyncha say some- pin about Mort Walker." So okay; we were going to anyway. Those of you who read your Post-Disptach or Missourian carefully (i.e., the funnies) are probably well-acquainted with Beetle Bailey. Perhaps you have recognized some familiar scenes or people in the cartoon strip. Perhaps you already know that Mort Walker is both an alumnus of the Uni- versity and Showme. Mort set the magazine on the righteous Showme path as editor in the 47-48 school, year. He graduated, walked into the Saturday Eve- ning Post and from there to King Features. Mort's wife is also an ex- Showme staffer, having served as advertising manager. So it is only fitting that Beetle Baily, despite the "R" sweater travels the Mizzou paths. Other Show- me staffers travel with Beetle as Flash (Fairfield, former Misc. editor), and Bitter (Dick Sanders former ed). Seegars We received a new national ad this month which concerns itself with cigars. Along with the ad came some interesting tips on cigar smoking which we thought we would pass on to you stub chewers, present and future: 1. There's no need to bite off the end of your cigar to prepare it for light. Merely pinch the end gently and you will create an air vent. 2. Light your cigar with the heat rather than with the flame of match or lighter. 3. You need not inhale to en- joy a cigar. 4. A long ash makes a cigar smoke cooler, last longer. Let it grow. 5. Smoke slowly; avoid fast and furious puffing. (Ed Note: And if it's an ex- pensive cigar, keep the band on it!) Definism We got quite a boot out of the "Ism" definitions offered by .the New York Times and thought we would pass them on to you, as follows: Socialism: You have two cows; you give one to your neighbor and keep the other. Communism: You have two cows; you give both to the gov- ernment; they milk them and give you the milk. Capitalism: You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull. New Dealism: You have two cows; the government kills one, milks the other and throws the milk away. Naziism: You have two cows; the government takes the cows and kills you. 7 Hadalaugh The Hadacol ads are getting better all the time. We were no less than overwhelmed by the supersize one with the twin pic- tures of Lincoln and "Senator" LeBlanc. You may have seen it. Lincoln, of course, had no Hadacol; that, no doubt, is why he died of a bullet wound. The ad mentioned the terrific sales of Hadacol-which we doubt not at all. It also mention- ed that this bottled-in-Georgia is sold in only 22 states. We don't care where it is sold. What we want to know is where don't they have those radio ads? Crowded Hall We were staggering through Crowder Hall the other day, preparing ourselves for the menu when we sighted a bulle- tin concerning dogs. It mention- ed that canines had been seen in this establishment, and since this was obviously unsanitary. would the students refrain from admitting such specie. 8 We have no opinion on the bulletin, but we would like to make an observation. In previ- ous years Crowder Hall has been something of a canine as- sembly; the creatures were drawn to the place by some strange magnetism. It practical- ly got to the point where the dogs were throwing the students out. This year, however, we have noticed only an occasional, for- lorn dog wandering sheepishly through the place. Seldom is there more than one; and al- most as seldom is there any at all. What we are wondering is- could thnsbea reflection on the grade of food now beng served? You Big Old. Despite the trend towards voter approval of Senators who will spend their time and use their Senatorial immunity for the pasttime of calling names, the House of Representatives has barred name-calling. It seems that Representative Rooney called Representative Keefe a "big district attorney from Oshkosh". Rather nasty words. Speaker Rayburn order- ed it struck from the Congres- sional Record. Rooney, to no avail, argued that Keefe was (a) Big; (b) a former district attorney; and (c) from Oshkosh. So the divisions of Congress take the opposites. In the House there is no name calling, even if accurate. In the Senate you can call anybody, anything, any- time (as long as it's in the Sen- ate, naturally) and welcome to it. Play Purdy We were looking through a record catalog the other day and ran across some stuff that will probably never make the Hit Parade as music but, in our esti- mation, should receive some sort of recognition for titles. So we hereby present the Showme award for the wackiest names: Does the Spearmint Lose Its Flavor The Baldheaded End of the Broom I Know He's Been Dealing With Me I Got Five Dollars and It's Saturday Night Jerico We were completely stunned when we read in the paper the other day that Governor Smith is seeking money to repair Jesse Hall since "That building has ben condemned and is no long- er usable." CONDEMNED!!! How many classes do you have in Jesse? CONDEMNED!!! How many classes do you have on the fourth floor? Either Governor Smith is com- pletely misinformed or else the University is trying to lower the population of the University. If Smith is right then we suggest that the place be renamed Jerico in recogniton of the fact that the walls might come tumblin' down any day now. Education We were interested in a "Let- ter to the Editor" in the Mis- sourian over the holidays. It was from a former Journalism student who is now back home in China. The fellow did a very humor- ous job of tellng us how nice things were in China and how the big, bad ol' Americans had invaded China, bombed and kill- ed Chinese. He, it seems, was enjoying hmself very much- working for the government, of course. It all made us think even a course in H. & P., and a required reading of Freedom of Informa- tion fails to impress some people with the intricacies of "propa- ganda." The fellow mentioned that we were such a nasty country that he had thought of joining the army. A very noble thought, in- indeed. (It may just be that the government has thought of him joining the army, too.) Anyhow, if we end up in his neighborhood we would like to meet up with the lad and speak of journalism over a hot ma- chine gun. Maybe we would be fortunate enough to paint the town chinese red. We're sure he would make a delightful bucket of paint. Wanted-Women A Cleveland industrial con- cern published a rule book for getting a job after a study of applicants for several years. Some of the suggestions are: (as the number-one rule)-Be a woman. A list of jobs for graduating seniors was read in a class the other day. We were not too as- tonished to hear that about 90% of the jobs were for women. It seems to be a general trend these days. In England a druggist adver- tised for "Young men over 60." The same general idea seems to prevail in the U.S. Few places want those young healthy guys who may shortly have to take a vacation and play cannon fod- der. So runs the war-scare trend. It gets so a fellow can only find one occupation-in the army. And when there are enough people in the army there's noth- ing to do but have a war. Advertising So we repeat-if you would like to see Showme stick around take your business to our ad- vertisers. G. T. S. 9 candidly mizzou THIS is a Showme staff member. He is trying to catch frost bite. He wants frost to bite him. They won't send him to Korea. They will send him to Fulton. 10 THIS is a draft board. They have just drafted a m aried veteran with four children. They are happy. This is more fun than corkball. Praft Primer SEE the college freshmen. They have just gotten married. The broadcaster will go with them on the honeymoon. He will tell the man when the the draft is over so he can get a divorce. THIS is a college man and his younger brother. Tomorrow he will take his physical. He is saying: "mash my hand with the ball". They are pals. II SEE the college students. They have been on the GI Bill since the Spanish-American War. They thought they would get to graduate. They have just seen the new draft law. THESE men want to do their part. They are en- listing their dog in the K-9 Corps. They will be fooled. The dog is over twenty-six. THIS is a Comunist cell at a state university. The Communists are wire-tapping. They are tapping the wire of a blonde. They will be mad. She is going steady with a Fascist. 12 photo of the month KEEP OUR CAMPUS CLEAN 13 the Duchess The 3rd Irregular Rebiment is faced with defeat until Colonel Kruss decides to use the plan of his beautiful mistress-the Duchess. COLONEL KRUSS, comman- der of the 3rd Irregular Regi- ment, carefully flicked a spot of dust from his mirror-like boots and glanced sharply at the Duchess. She was still sleeping, sprawled across the bed with her back to him. A light blanket half covered her. The Colonel stood up and took- his revolver and belt from the table. He strapped the weapon to his waist and carefully shifted the gun to the proper position, just to the right of hs stomach. He turned to the full-length mir- ror and considered himself crit- ically. He smiled; he was still the Colonel Kruss who caught the eye of everyone in the offic- er's club. There was no doubt- Colonel Kruss looked like an officer should. He patted the campaign rib- bons on his carefully tailored jacket. Wait until this war was over-he thought to himself- then I'll have battle stars and perhaps a decoration or two. Of course-he mused-it wouldn't be proper to wear the medals all the time, but perhaps at impor- tant functions. well, if the Russians could wear them, why not everyone. Kruss glanced at the Duchess again, then strode briskly from the room. His boots clacked sharply agains tthe stairs as he hurried down. He entered the living room and paused before the huge map that had been tacked to one wall. He frowned as he carefully traced a line across the map. 14 By S. T. Louis A bell rang and Kruss heard soft movements of the maid as hurried to answer the door. The was a sound of voices and a moment later a uniformed man the room and saluted. "Well," Kruss said without looking. "No change, sir." the Lieuten- ant stood stiffly at attention. "Replacements are on the way. There has been no reply to the request for bombers." "All right," Kruss said. The Lieutenant turned and walked away. Kruss looked at the map again and traced a line across it. He knew the line as well as he knew the ribbons on his jacket. For two weeks he had traced that line across the map, the line where the 3rd Irregular Regi- ment had been for over two weeks-stalled at a complete, dead halt. Kruss swore softly under his breath. The 3rd Irregulars had been under his command for over sixteen months. For fifteen they had done nothing but re- treat-the entire army had done nothing but retreat. Now the army was moving in the other direction; the great offensive was under way. The entire army was moving westward-except for the 3rd Irregular Regiment. For two weeks the 3rd had been stalled beofre this "insig- nificent, putrid, little town," as Kruss described it. Bombers had ILLUSTRATED BY HERB KNAPP leveled the town to pebbles; ar- tillery had leveled the pebbles to dust; but still the 3rd could not take it. Three times Kruss had been forced to call for re- placements; once the 3rd had al- most been annihilated. The high command was becoming impati- ent. It was said that one general had snapped that Kruss would make a good commandant for the officers' club. Kruss glared at the map for a while longer, then walked stiff- ly to the dining room. The Duch- ess was having breakfast already. The Duchess smiled and Kruss straightened his shollders and let his right hand rest on the gun at his belt. "Is there good news this morning?" the Duchess asked. "Nothing new." Kruss's eyes traced lines around the Duch- ess's generous curves. "That's too bad." She was sad for a moment. Then she smiled. "Perhaps you will try my plan yet." Kruss laughed in his finest military fashion and brushed some imaginary lint from his breeches. The Duchess is so re- lieving-he thought-so enter- taining, so understanding, so.; his eyes traced lines again. "You can't tell," the Duchess insisted. "It may very well work." "My dear," Kruss said, "for the thirty-seventh time, leave the war to those who are trained to fight it." Kruss looked at the (Continued on page 17) SAVITAR SALES END MONDAY FEB.19 16 mirror on the wall behind the Duchess and admired his rib- bons; he could almost visualize the battle stars that would be his-after this town was taken. "But you promised the other night," the Duchess pouted pret- tily. "My dear," said Kruss, arch- ng his brow," when that promise was made I was not acting in my capacity as commandant of the 3rd Irregulars-though I will admit it was something of a mil- itary operation." He smiled at his own flippancy. The Duchess was silent during the remainder of breakfast. II It was evening and the Colohel was engaged in his usual occupa- tion of glaring at the war map. The Duchess considered him from the couch. "You look most impressive in your uniform, standing before the map," she said after a while. The Colonel turned, "I should much rather look at you. The map is most lacking in fullness and delicacy." He walked to the couch and sat beside her. "War is a most hateful thing until one finds himself in a position such as mine." The Duchess smiled lazily. She twisted slightly to give her breasts more prominence. The Colonel leaned towards her. She ran her fingers across his face. He pulled her towards him. After a while he said, "I should hate very much to be re- placed." "They wouldn't do that." "The high command wants the town taken-taken soon." He pressed the Duchess hard against him and tingled at the pressure. His breath made queer sounds in his throat. "I should hate it too." The Duchess's face was flushed; her lips pouted. "Why don't you try my plan?" she said quickly. III Kruss slouched in the chair and glared at the map. He want- (Continued on page 32) The STEIN CLUB Sudden Service Cleaners 17 After You're Gone Have you wondered what Mizzou was like before the draft? Mary tells all includ- ing the three B's-boys, bop and boos. by Joe Gold SO there we were, Peter and I twelve miles from the dorm. and only five minutes to make it before after-hours." The tall, blonde senior named Mary took a drag on her cigarette and looked at the circle of wide- eyed freshmen who were listen- ing eagerly to her stories of pre- draft days. It was 1954 and it had been two years since there had been any men on the campus. Any men to speak of, that is. Most of the guys were sweating it out in army camps, waiting to stem a tide that was only ripples up to then. The only tides came dur- ing the long sessons in the bar- racks, like the one going on at the very same moment Mary was talking. "Actually," a soldier named Peter explained, "college life was not what you think. It was mostly study, tests, papers, and more study. Not the big social life they pictured in the maga- zines. Sure, Mary and I went out on dates, but they were just to a show, a coke, and then back home. Not much really." The soldier went back to clean- ing his rifle, while the men in his squad shook their heads in wonderment. Mary blew out the smoke from her lovely full lips and continu- tinued. "But we didn't lose our heads. Just finished all our liquor and drove home." "But you said you had four bottles!" a freshman interrupted. "Well, I was only a freshman then," Mary explained. "I really couldn't hold much." 18 "Didn't it take some time to get home?" a wonder-eyed fresh- man asked. "All night." "Didn't they catch you?" "Hell, nobody cared in those days. Had a swell house mother. Anyhow, all the girls were down in the rec-room that night. I understand we missed an all- night party. But we were there the next week-end. The guys stayed until 3 a.m. They only left because four neighbors phoned the cops. And then there was the time." Peter peered into his rifle barrel and said, "Drinking? Mary and I didn't do any of that "We were under age and they wouldn't serve us at the taverns. Besides, we really didn't have the desire or the time. There were a few parties, but they were chaperoned and broke up at 12:30 at the latest. "That's a helluva time to bust it up," commented a PFC shin- ing his shoes. "Yeah, they were strict," Pet- er said as he ran another patch through his rifle. "A girl could get only 29 late minutes a se- mester and if she got any more, she was really in trouble. I re- member once I took Mary to a show and we got to talking over a coke and before we knew it, it was ten minutes before she had to get back. Boy, was she scared. We ran like hell all the way. She could really go like a bunny once it got late." Mary smiled and thought of the old days. 'I'll never forget the night Pete pinned me," she said sit- ting back and sighing. "We were out parking down at the Hink with a case of beer in the back seat and a full moon in the windshield. We had stop- ped for a while to smoke a cig- arette and down some beer when he asked me if I loved him. That was a silly thing to ask because I had been telling him that all eve- ning. But I didn't ask questions and said I did and kissed him real hard just to prove it. "He held me tight and asked in a nervous whisper if I would wear his pin. I said 'Yes, darlin' and kissed him again and again and again. I didn't ever want to stop, but it was getting close to 2:30 a.m. so we drove home-- after we finished the beer, of course. When I finally kissed him good-night, I don't think I ever put more feeling into one em- brace. Oh, those warm spring nights." (Continued on page 28) Campus Jewelers Tiger Club Boy of the Month PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Charles Ross Adams Senior in Journalism. . President of Independent Men's Association . . Mystical Seven . Omicron Delta Kappa . Kappa Tau Alpha, scholastic honorary in journalism . . Historian Sigma Delta Chi . . . Who's Who Among Students in America . . Winner, first annual Kan- sis City Press Club Scholarship, 1950 . Dean's Honor List in Journal- ism . . Promotion Manager, Missouri Student, Fall, 1950. Member, University Board of Student Publications . . Co-vice chairman, Public Relations Division of SGA. 22. . Warren, Arkansas. 20 Girl of the Month PHOTOGRAPH BY GIBBONS GRIFFIN AT JULIES Barbara Beckett Junior in Arts and Science . Chairman of Displaced Students Council and International Affairs Committee in SGA. . Council Member and Chairman of Orientation in AWS. . Business Manager and Board Member of Worshop . Secretary of House Council . . Sigma Epsilon Sigma, sophomore scholastic honorary . . . Ex-president of Kappa Epsi- lon Alpha, freshman woman's honorary. Who's Who Among Stu- dents . PEO . Gamma Phi Beta. 20. Boonville, Missouri. 21 Mizzou Draft Board ADOLPH GOES STRAIGHT ZIPPING my wallet tightly, I walked into Adolph Kantin's office. Down through all the years I have known Adolph he has always been about a step and a half in front of the local constable with his varied schemes for making a fast buck. The gorgeous blonde behind the mahogany desk smiles sweet- ly at me. "What the hell do you want, you big slob?" she snarls good naturedly. Me and her are like that, so I chuck her under the chin and walk up to Adolph, who busts me in the nose. "That wasn't very nice," I say. He grins at me showing three very widely spaced teeth. I laugh and discover that three of my own dentures are sitting be- side me on the floor grinning stupidly at me. "Look, Adolph," I say getting up, "I come here with a good idea to make a little cash and this is what happens. I'm leaving." I start to walk out the door, knowing that when the word "cash" penetrates the jerk's skull, he will not let me get away. I am right. As my hand closes on the door handle, a hairy paw grabs my shoulder pad and yanks me back to the desk. I realize I am still holding onto the door handle. I toss it back in the general direction of the door frame and look mildly at Adolph, who, I find, is look- ing not so mildly at me. "Oscar, what's this about money?" he wants to know. His green eyes have lit up like a cash register and his bushy 24 By Bob Skole eyebrows have knitted together to form a dollar sign. I faintly suspect he is interested. The hairy paw descends again and lifts me to the place of honor on the desk. I realize he has depos- ited me on the sharp spike he uses to file papers, and I am rather uncomfortable. But A- dolph is leaning on me and I do not like to disturb him when he is concentrating. "Oscar, you said money," he repeats. I nod my head, and manage to calm him down. He stops leaning on me, and I am able to get off the desk. The spike comes with me. With the help of Adolph and the blonde, I finally separate myself from it. Adolph lights a cigar for me, while the blonde wipes the blood smears from the spike. "All right," I say. "Here's the deal. We buy a whole mess of pills that will make people foam at the mouth. Then we go to one of the places where all those poor jokers are taking physicals for Uncle Sam. They'll pay any- thing for pills like that. I'd do it all my myself but I am out of cash at the moment." A bright glare lights up the room. I discover that Adolph is grinning from one cauliflower ear to the other, and the trio of teeth are flashing in a wander- ing ray of sunlight. He is with me. I outline the plan to him, and he is very enthusiastic about it. I ask him for money to puy the pills and he is not so enthu- siastic. I tell him I have a friend who will sell them to us whole- sale, and everything is okay again. After paying three dollars and forty nine cents for the pills, Adolph wants to go right out and sell them for a thousand percent profit. When I see that his eyebrows have again formed the dollar sign, and he is men- tally counting pictures of Abra- ham Lincoln, I do not even both- er to point out that this is not ethical. "Look, Adolph," I say, "I've got some business to attend to so suppose you sell them the first day. I'll do it tomorrow." He is so anxious to test his salesman- ship that he says okay. He goes out with a bucket full. Two months pass, and I begin to suspect that Adolph has run off with all the profits. I haven't seen him since he left the office that day. I do not mind this, be- cause by this time the blonde is calling me "snookums", and I figure Adolph can keep the money. I'll keep the peroxide. She and I decide to take a trip abroad with some money we find in Adolph's safe. As we are walking down to the dock, we pass a troopship. Soldiers are (Continued on page 31) LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U. S. town names. Example: From RYE, N.Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pairings as you like. 2. The odder the names-and the more amusing the relationship be- tween the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize, $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes. 1st contest closes March 31st., 1951. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning combinations may be used in fu- ture advertisements, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N. Y. Life Savers 25 MISSOURI MOTOR CO. DEN 26 Swami's Snorts Attention! You can cure your roommate of snoring by advice, cooperation, kindness and by stuffing an old shirt in his mouth. You haven't had a real hang over until you can't stand the noise made by Bromo Seltzer. "Darling, am I the first man you ever loved?" "Yes, Reginald. All the others were fraternity boys." A drunk was standing on a Montreal street corner one night saying in a loud voice: "Ish im- possible, ish, impossible." "What's impossible?" inquired a passing cop. "That sign up there," replied the drunk. "It saish 'Drink Can- ada Dry'." "You've read that sentence wrong, Miss Adams, it's all men are created equal, not all men are made the same way." A lady bought a parrot from a pet store, only to learn that it cursed every time that it said anything. She put up with it as long as she could, but finally one day she lost her patience. "If I ever hear you curse again" she declared, "I'll wring your neck." A few minutes later, she re- marked rather casually that it was a fine day. Whereupon the parrot said "It's a hell of a fine day today." The lady immediate- ly took the parrot by the head, spun him around in the air until he was almost dead. "Now, then," she said, "It's a fine day, isn't it?" "Fine day," sputtered the par- rot, "where the hell were you when the cyclone struck?" "How is it that you can kiss so divinely?" "Oh, I used to blow a bugle in the Boy Scouts." Captain: "I'll bet you wish I were dead, so you could spit on my grave." ROTC Student: "No sir, I hate to stand in line." Jane: Does your boy friend have ambitions? Jean: Yes, ever since he's been knee high. "A fresh guy tried to pick me up in the street yesterday. Boy, what an apartment he's got." A hug is energy that has gone to waist. Many men seem to keep that school girl complexion on their shirt collars. Most of the girls who work in night clubs are sentimental- ists. They save all their old cos- tumes and paste them in a scrap book. Mark Anthony: I want to see Cleopatra. Servant: She's in bed with laryngitis. Mark: Damn those Greeks. We were never able to find Grandma's glasses, but now she leaves them just where she emp- ties them. Silas Clam lies on the floor. He tried to slam a swinging door. An optimist is a man who fig- ures when his shoes wear out he'll be back on his feet. "What makes you think this is a night for wild oats?" "Your eyes told me sow." She: "Swell- party tonight." He: "Yeah, I'd ask you for the next dance, but all the cars are taken." Prof: Do you think Henry Ford would make a good presi- dent? Clever Student: Verily, he has the makings of another Lincoln. 27 DON SMALL G-E STORE NEUKOMMS KNIGHT'S DRUG SHOP 28 After You're Gone . . (Continued from page 19) The freshmen girls sighed and dreamed of men far away. Peter ran an oiled patch through his rifle barrel and said "This love-on-the-campus busi- ness isn't what you guys think. "The most I ever did was kiss Mary good-night and that was only after we were pinned. She was shy about making love in public, and ,hell, there was no place we could go. They kept all the dance places well-lit and doorways to the girl's houses were flood-lighted. "I remember when on the night I pinned her I asked her if I could kiss her good-night. Boy, she blushed like the sargeant when the captain chewed him out, and said, 'In front of all these people?' So I told her it would be okay because we were pinned and she said, 'All right, on the cheek,' and I kissed her there and she went dashing in- side the house." "Some guy was probably wait- ing for her inside," a corporal muttered. "No kidding, guys," Peter said earnestly, "we didn't go in for any of that cheap stuff. After all, we're pinned and that means we are going to get married some day. We didn't take it lightly. After all, some things are sacred." Mary ran to her room and re- turned with Peter's latest letter. "Listen to this," she announc- ed proudly. " '. and I can hard- ly wait for my furlough so I can see you again and we can really throw a big one. I'll bring the car down and we can go out to the Hink and all the other places like we used to. As for the liquor I got half a case of bourbon sav- ed up . and then there's more to be had.Honey, just wait till I get you in my arms and let your warm . .' He gets sort of personal here, but that will give you an idea. "It'll be just like the old pur- ple-passion days. None of this sissy 4-F stuff when Peter's around!" Peter finished putting his rifle back together and dug a letter out of his foot locker. "Here, you guys," he said. "If you don't believe me, just listen to what Mary said in her last letter. "'. It's going to be swell when you get your furlough. The trees are just starting to bud and we can take long walks to look at the spring flowers like we used to. They got a new ice- cream parlor in town that you'll just love, and there's a new preacher at chapel who is real good. But you'll hear him soon. After church we can go walking, and if we find a quiet place you might hold my hand. . .' "It gets sort of personal there, fellas, but you get the idea. None of this rough stuff. No, sir, not me and my girl!" Eat Shop Kampustowne Grocer Frozen Gold Cream of Creams 29 HOW TO FLUNK THE DRAFT walking up the gangplank, spit- ting in the water below. Dead fish cover the surface. "Oscar!! You damn-- !!" The blonde blushes. (Her lip- stick is not on straight.) I turn to look with forgiveness into the face of Adolph. He is clad in khaki, and two soldiers are starting to drag him up the gang- plank. He is putting up a great scrap. "Adolph," I smile. "How noble -you enlisted." "Enlisted hell! I got drafted!" "But, Adolph," I yell, "they couldn't. You're too old." Halfway up the plank Adolph snarls. "After I sold every damn pill to every damn guy in the damn line, they all started to foam at the mouth." "But what happened?" I shout, as he is about to disap- pear into the ship. He twists his head to glare one last glare at me, and with a hysterical laugh, he screams, "I was the only slob in the whole place who wasn't foaming, so they drafted me!" THE END "They can't draft me. I'm in R.O.T.C." Editors of college magazines, some people believe, should be obscene, but not heard. Bob met a wonderful girl in Iowa last summer and had such a good time that as soon as he graduates this spring he's going to get a job in Peru. H.R. Mueller Florist BENGAL SHOP DORN-CLONEY 31 Phono Grill ed to feel angry at the Duchess and yet he couldn't. She had un- fairly induced him to hurl the 3rd Irregular Regiment into her fantastic plan. But she had done it, she thought, for his sake. To give him a military victory. She too-he thought-would like to see the battle stars on my tunic But she had taken unfair ad- vantage. The Duchess was curled on the couch, sleeping. Even now Kruss could hardly avoid admiring her body. But passion was secondary to military matters now. The 3rd might be annihilated, he might be stripped of his rank, lose the privilege of wearing his ribbons. Kruss scowled and looked at his mirror-like boots. A bell rang. Kruss leaped to his feet and hurried into the hall He admitted the Lieutenant, who saluted sharply. Kruss swallow- ed with difficulty He was almost afraid to ask. "Well?" he said, acting every bit the Colonel. "The town is taken, sir. Losses are light. Nothing much left in town, but we've pushed them back." "Consolidate our gains and prepare to continue the offensive Radio the report to the high command." The Lieutenant whipped out the door. Kruss stood quite still, completely shaken. In his mind he formed a circle of battle stars and in the center was a decora- tion-a high decoration. He hur- ried into the living room and stared at the map, but he could see nothing but medals. The "pu- trid little town" was his. "What was it," the Duchess said. She was sitting up on the couch fully awake. "Has the town been taken?" Kruss smiled The Duchess jumped to her feet and rushed to him. "It has work- ed? My plan has worked." She threw her arms around him. "You will beome a general." She skipped about the room. "I knew my plan would work." Kruss's' face had lost its smile. He thought, "MY plan." (Continued on page 35) Fountain's Service Station Edgar's 32 McLAUGLIN BROS. FURNITURE CO 33 "Sergeant, what's cannon fodder?" ".and they're gonna draft another million in March?" Stuff Well, let's look at it this way--are you in the upper 10% of your grad- uating class?" "Charge." 34 "The general will probably make you take me as your assis- tant," she laughed. "I should have been a general." She rush- ed to him again. His smile was strained. "You see, I have help- ed you. It is most wonderful. You will become a famous gene- ral and I will be known as the woman who helped the famous general. All because of my plans." Kruss thought, "MY plan." "MY plan," he thought aagin. "A woman's plan. The town is taken with a woman's plan." He saw the Duchess in the uniform of a general, her tunic covered with medals and battle stars. He saw her as a member of the high command, and he, Kruss, the commandant of the officers' club, without even one battle star. The Duchess turned to the map. "You will capture all of these towns and become famous; and perhaps you will remember the Duchess and her plan and return to me some day." "MY plan," thought Kruss. "The DUCHESS'S PLAN." Swiftly he drew his revolver from the holster and without hes- itation shot the Duchess through the back of the head. He walked quickly to the door and opened it. "GUARD," he roared, "Guard, tell the Lieuten- ant that I have shot a spy." Kruss turned from the door and pulled his overcoat and hel- met from a stand in the hallway. He paused before a mirror on the wall and carefully consider- ed his uniform. His glance rest- ed on the bright ribbons on his chest. I wonder-he thought-I won- der if there is a decoration for killing a spy. He straightened his shoulders and stalked through the open door--every bit an of- ficer. THE END ERNIE'S STEAK HOUSE the novus shop 35 A MESSAGE FROM your STUDENT GOVERNMENT ASSN'. So all students may be convinced of the value and the influence of Student Government, SGA presents this partial resume of what has been accomplished by students, for students, here at the University of Missouri during the last year. BOOK POOL The book pool has been established by the University at SGA's request as a measure to force and keep book prices down. Of course, it's continuance will depend on your support. FEBRUARY GRADUATION Student demands channelled through SGA were granted. The results . . some 700 graduates received their diplomas at the special February Commencement. TENNIS COURTS After thirty years of mud, dust and gravel, Missouri's clay courts received a thick coat of special asphalt and now are ex- cellent all-weather courts suitable for intramural as well as varsity play. SGA teamed up with the Athletic Department and Missouri Student to bring about this change. 36 HOMECOMINGS, CONCERTS AND DANCES The Homecoming festivities, including Jazz at the Philharmonic, were SGA sponsored and directed. With excellent cooperation from many organizations our 1950 Homecoming was a huge success. In the entertainment fied, SGA is sponsoring an all- school dance March 3rd with Hal Mclntyre and his band. LEADERSHIP TRAINING MU's Student Government was the first in the nation to offer a regular course in Leadership Training. If you feel that train- ing of this type would be valuable to you, there is still time to enroll. For details, inquire at the SGA office, 209 Read Hall. ADMINISTRATION-FACULTY COMMITTEES Students are now voting members of more than 15 Administra- tion-Faculty committees, Student's influence on University policy is still growing. SGA'S FUTURE AND YOU These are only a few examples of what SGA action has brought about. Briefly, here are some examples of other actions taken; and some ideas we are still working on: Recommended: no more Thanksgiving Day Homecomings, University published Student Direc- tory, Establishment of a Student Court, and a co mbination of all charities into a Campus Chest. This and much more can be accomplished if you will give your ideas and your support to Stu- dent Government. To keep up to date on SGA's actions read the Missouri STUDENT. Be sure to vote in the SGA election in March. Do your part to improve the University of Missouri. 37 BRADY'S ".and gentlemen, I say the atom bomb must be outlawed." TIGER Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. KORN KRIB 38 Swami's Snorts Sir, may I have your daughter for my wife? Bring your wife around and we'll see. "What would you call an old maid doing the dance of the sev- en veils?" "A comic strip." * * * Mother: Now, Junior be a good boy and say "ahh-h" so the nice doctor can get his fin- ger out of your mouth." Nudism is a back-to-the-form movement. An old man is a guy that can't take "yes" for an answer. * * * A woman without principle draws considerable interest. Many a fork in the road has been used for a spoon. * ** He: They had to shoot poor old Fido today. She: Was he mad? He: He wasn't any too pleased. * * * Am I the first girl you ever kissed? As a matter of tact, yes Her Dad is in charge of a large number of Missourians. What is he, a prison guard? No; he delivers newspapers. What do you think of her features? Fair, but they seem a little bowlegged. DAIRY BAR TWA 39 The WOOLF BROTHERS Label does things for your campus rating The Hathman House 40 "Mommy, mommy," bawled the little girl, "Daddy, just poi- soned my kitty." "Don't cry, dear, replied the mother sympathetically. "Maybe he had to." "No, he didn't," screamed the heart-broken child. "He promis- ed me I could." Poems are deep, very complex; I cannot understand them. For poems are made by fools like me, And only fools can stand them. People who live in glasshouses .must get awfully sunburned "Neither a borrower nor a lend- be." Steal it. "The best things in life" cost a hell of a lot of money. The birds fly here, the birds fly there, The little birds fly everywhere; And where they fly they leave their mark Upon the statues in the park. "Circumstantial Evidence" Apple cores and tummies sore Mean just one thing to me; Little boys with little noise Have climbed my apple tree. Her glance was shy; Her voice was tender; And I forgot She'd smashed my fender. J.J.G. Auctioneer: What am I offer- ed for the beautiful bust of Rob- ert Burns? Man in Crowd: That ain't Burns; that's Shakespeare. Auctioneer: Well, folks, the jokes on me. That just goes to show how little I know about the bible. dunn's dungeon by don dunn OH, the Draft Issue! Well, thank heavens I don't have to worry about going into the army any more. Congress has promis- ed positively, absolutely, beyond all doubt that I can finish school -unless. (The unless refers to 482 points in small print at the bottom of my classification.) But I'm really not worried about them catching up wth me. They don't know where I am! Hmm? Oh, it's a federal offense if you don't notify your draft board of changes of address? In that case; To whom it may con- cern: I NOW LIVE AT 209 Monroe Street Hokay, Uncle Samily? Not that I'm afraid to be draft- ed. If they need me, things MUST be bad. And I'm a trained veteran- practically. I've gone through Basic Field Artillery 1, 2, 3, and 4 and I can take a fix on a Quonset Hut wth a .50 calibre M-1 with the best of them. Just bring on those Redcoats! (May- be they can figure what I'm talking about.) Oh, not that I'd run down the ROTC- it's run down enough- but it's the only branch of the army I know of where if you've got battle fatigue, you're made an officer. Seriously, those ROTC boys can put up a great battle when they have to. One day I saw them push and shove their way along for nearly two hours, fighting every inch of the way, giving no quarter until they reached their obective. Then, the checker punched their meal tickets and Crowder Hall serv- ed another mess (That's a mili- tary term meaning "mess.") And this may not be true (be- cause I'm making it up), but the only U.S. jet plane shot down so far overseas was hit by its own bullets after firing them, pass- ing them and slowing down to see what happened to them. Yessir, with this modern speed in airplanes, it's possible to leave Los Angeles, throw up twice and land in New York. And with flight faster than sound, rear gunners now ride in. their planes fifty miles behind the lead plane so they can catch orders from the pilots drifting back to them. But, back to the war and me -I don't really mind being call- ed overseas-except for the names. How could I pronounce Pyongyang, Sinuiju and Men- chiugag when I'm having enough trouble with "Tanda Wanda Hoy?" SUSIE STEPHENS by Herb Green I'm new here-are you sure there isn't a rule against it? 41 CIGAR INSTITUTE OF AMERICA, INC. 42 Maybe I'd better leave the draft boards for semthing a little closer to home. After spending 3 1/2 years at this institution, a subversive group has come to my attention. This is an organi- zation of evil Eves which threat- ens students with tortures much greater than those devised by the draft board. The kids also call their clique a board and, to hide their punitive measures un- der a cloak of legality, they tack the word "Judiciary" on as a preface. Who do they think they are fooling? It is to this board that Miz- zou's feminine criminals report after each offense. There, they are judged and sentenced. A typical meeting goes something like this: MYRT: So, dearie, whatcha do yesterday? MABEL: Oh, I spent the night with a couple of soldiers who picked me up in Wabash Sta- tion. Whatchu do? MYRT: Nuthin' much-got stewed last night in Al's car on some whiskey he made out of old banana peels. That's about all. GRACE: Yeh, (She snuffs out her reefer and stretches.) Well, guess we better start the meeting! Who's our first case? MYRT: This dame here. Says her name's Mary, but I'll bet it's an alias. MABEL: Anyway, Mary-oth- erwise Marie the Moll, other- wise Marietta the Mugger- you're here facin' a jury of your peers, it 'pears. We're all dames hand-picked to repre- sent the clean and honest stu- dent body and we've been giv- en these jobs 'cause we can be trusted, 'cause we're loyal, 'cause we're kind, friendly, helpful, courteous, obedient, cheerful- GRACE: All right, kid, let's hear your lying story. MARY: Well, I was notified Monday that my cousin Eze- kial had died from grief over my aunt Hepzibah's death and I hurried home to attend the double funeral. Then on my way back, our car was stop- ped by a strange man with a gun who said his name was Cook and he forced us all out into the road and I had to take a bus and the bus had a wild guy on it who kept dialing 1119 and stealing revolvers and so I got back to the dorm half a minute late. (A dead silence follows her speech.) MYRT: A pretty well-thought- out story for a Freshman . MABEL: Yeh, pretty. GRACE: Yeh, pret. MABEL: Any questions, girls? (The three glare at MARY un- til she faints. Then, they con- fer before reviving her.) Well kid, we got your punishment all thunk out. MARY: Is it-is it--is it. MYRT: We the board, find you guilty of accumulating one- half minute and sentence you to a campus for every date night until your senior year. MABEL. And may Miss Robert- son have mercy on your soul! MARY (as she is led screaming from the room): But, I'm in- nocent, do you hear? I'm in- nocent! You can't do this! You can't! GRACE: Step down! Next case. Juke Club Pen Point 43 Showme contributors' page mary ann dunn Photograph by Julie's Studio If you hear a voice that sounds as sweet as honey and you see a girl just as sweet be- hind it chances are you'll be talking to Mary Ann Dunn. As soon as an issue comes out you can find Mary Ann buried away beneath heaps of enve- lopes and stamps in the office filling her job as Exchange Sec- retary. She's been with us about a year now and is one of the hardest workers we have. Between issues Mary Ann spends her free time at J-school. with hopes of becoming a disk jockey someday. Last summer she was hopping a turntable for TWRE in Warrenton. With that voice we don't see how she can miss. Mary Ann says her only hob- bies are the modern dance group and playing the piano (wonder if she can sing too?) Besides being a heck of a swell gal to know, Mary Ann is 19, from Normandy, Missouri, and a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma. 44 homer ball "For a good business manager you gotta have a guy wot is a hard worker, with lots on the ball, an' not too many ulcers". . so we picked Homer Ball as our new Business Manager. I don't know about the ulcers, but for a hard worker with lots on the ball you couldn't find a better man. As one of the circu- lation managers (he probably picked up a few ulcers there) he did a fine job seeing that the magazines were distributed each month. Besides being one of Swami's most over-worked slaves, Homer has just finished a term as presi- dent of Lambda Chi Alpha and Athletic Chairman of SGA, is a member of ODK and too many other activities to list on just one page. If the truth were known he probably isn't even enrolled in schol but instead spends all his time going from one activity meeting to another. Homer is 22, a senior in B& PA from Holden, Missouri. don pengelly We lost one of our most prom- ising cartoonists when Don "Pasquali" Pengelly got his draft notice and went to Mexico City for his health. Don is one of the few guys who can boast of go- ing to three colleges but was still a sophomore when he left M.U. for the Yucatan. Born 22 years ago in a Mexi- can pablum, Don first took up cartooning when he was locked in a Tijuana wash room for three days. After they let him out, he attended Baker U. and the Kansas City Art Institute, which sent him off, paints and palette, to the whales at M.U.'s library. Don wanted to get into J- school until he heard that news stories must be factual. "That's a crock," he said as he returned to his favorite hobby, snowing. Don's masterpiece is this month's center-spread, which he tossed together while his room- mate packed his bags for him. His one ambition is "to retire at 23 to Tortilla Flat and live on tequila and feelthy love." Don's health returned rapidly once he got back to Mexico City, from where he shouts to Showme, "I shall return!" Photograph by Julie's Studio Harzfeld's Camel