Missouri Showme September, 1951 Missouri Showme September, 1951 2008 1951/09 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show195109

Missouri Showme September, 1951; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1951

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MISSOURI Showme Herb Green September 1951 Garland's Sponsor Store ESQUIRE, FASHION SERVICE DORN-CLONEY DON L. SMALL G-E STORE H.R. Mueller Florist Letters Dear Editor, Why don't you send some of your magazines around to the various Army camps in the coun- try. I'm sure you could sell them. I didn't go to Missouri but your "Alcoholic" issue last year sure sold me. Enclosed is subscription money for the next year. Good luck, Cpl. Robert McCoy Thank you for your kind words but the distribution problem would be too great. We have enough trouble distributing over at Stephens. Dear Editor, How did a bunch of admitted dimwits like you and your staff ever get control of a legitimate college publication? Disgustedly, Jim Everret Columbia, Missouri Herb Green How did Harry get to be Pres.? --Ed. Dear Editor, I have been working in New York since I graduated from K. C.U. and haven't seen a copy of your magazine for a long time. I could sure use some humor from the midlands! Everyone on the Eastern Seaboard thrives on "so- phistication," a word that means they never crack a smile unless George Jean Nathan says it's O.K. I doubt if G.J.N. would ever endorse Swamie's irrational an- tics but I enjoy 'em. So take my cash and send me an opiate for this horrible Eastern disease call- ed, "Critical-anaylsis". Sincerely, W. R. Flear Albion, New York Will do, and a defiant curse to G.J.N.-Ed. Gibson's Apparel Jacqueline shop staff Editor-in-chief Herb Knapp Editor-at-rest Herb Green Business Manager Dude Haley Advertising Director Peggy Marak Publicity Director Hank Marder Feature Editor Bob Skole Art Editor Pat Kilpatrick Secretaries Mary, Ann Dunn Shirley Davis Mary Ann Fleming Joey Bellows Photos Tom Weiskirch John Wheeler Artists Jack Eyler Bill Andronicus Advertisina Jack Williams Virginia Martin Betty Jackson Features Joe Gold Don Dunn Jim Anderson Publicity June Dennis Betty Dees Peggy Dees Marilyn Osgood Herb Eissman Marty Brown Circulation Harold Wiley Bill Wellman Bill Brooks Dick Sedler Bob Herman Jack Bowman 4 editor's ego THE new editor of Showme is is Herp Knapp. To most of the readers he is not a new personal- ity for his work has been part of the foundation of Showme for the past two years. His covers, story illustrations, and, of course, car- toons have crowded the pages of almost every issue. It's no wonder that he is considered one of the best artists to have graced the Showme pages in a long time. His centerspread Recipes for Rum Dums which appeared in the Al- coholic Issue of last year will probably be long remembered aft- er the Columns have crumbled into dust and Jesse Hall has been replaced. He is also one of the most dom- inate gag men to have ever crowded the back room of the Shack and passed out- over a brain storm (three-two). Natur- ally no gag meeting would be complete without him. Herb began his career as a Swami heir with a cartoon in the October Sweat Sock Issue of '49. From there he eventually climb- ed into the Art Editor's chair (and headaches), and then the Associate Editor's couch. As As- sociate Editor Herb grew most of his ulcers. He handled the art production end of the magazine, and the usual thousand and one jobs that accompany it. Mostly it was plain work, from the all night sessions that put the maga- zine together to the actual work at the printers. It's easy to recognize Herb at a gag meeting. When the conversa- tion lags (between beers) he'll open one sleepy eye and say "Well, next year I'm gonna have a definite style. for sure." As far as the staff is concerned he already has a definite style and a good one at that. At least we can think of no one else we'd rather see carry on the fate of Swami for he certainly deserves it. P. Kilpatrick P. Kilpatrick Herb is from Kansas City, re- sides at the PiKA house when he is in Columbia and is 20 years old We have no doubts that in the next few years you'll be seeing a lot of cartoons in the New York- er and Saturday Evening Post signed Herb Knapp. Herb Green MISSOURI Showme YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Contents Take Care of Mine Little Babutcha Joe Gold compares the sorority system with Commu- nism and tosses in a little Babutcha on the side . 14 Freshmen Take Heed Campus ogres are exposed under the glittering lenses of a Show m e photographer .16 How To Nab A Man You came to college to learn how so you might as well take some advise from an expert who's had them licking her toes for years . . 26 Showme Presents "The Spigot" An anonymous column written by one of our most tal- ented writers who is afraid that we'll take away his bottle if he isn't continually ludicrous . .33 FOR LACK OF SOMETHING BETTER to do we present a center spread on the irritating antics of physco-sophisticates both at hom e and at school . . 18 TRO COVER BY HERB GREEN Volume 28 September, 1951 Number 1 SHOWME is published nine times, September through May, during the college year by the Students of the University of Missouri. Office: 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. All copyrights reserved. Unsolicited manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Advertising rates furnished on request. National Advertis- ing Representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 122 E. 42nd St., New York City. Printer: Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Price: 25c a single copy; subscriptions by mail $3.00. Office hours: 1:30 to 3:30 p.m., Monday through Friday, 304 Read Hall. Why return to tests and books? Why come back to slave, you gooks? "Ah," you answer, "we cannot shirk. Besides, it's better than going to work." 6 around the columns Overheard The advisor enrolling the vet- eran in summer school noticed that he was married. "Would you do it all over again if you had the chance?" The veteran looked him over and drawled, "I already have- three times." September ". a long, long time, between May and." "I thought you were drafted? Man, you really got a tan! One more year, huh? I'm gonna' settle down this year." Yea. Sure. "Meetcha in the Shack at 2:30." The dump hasn't changed much. Myrads of familiar but un- identifiable faces. oh, shure, I remember. How was the sum- mer? This is September, maud- lin, vivacious, full of private memories, mutual vows . . the death of summer, the birth of winter, all that sort of malarky. Sport shirts and white bucks . the hysteria of rush week. endless lines . registration, new books, I.D. pictures (Is yours as pretty as mine) . this card must be filled in, in duplicate. this one in triplcate. New classes, new profs. New grass on the hink and ten weeks till deficiencies! Welcome back: it's September! Ah'm Acomin', Uncle We noticed this summer that the results of the first draft apti- tude tests are in, and 38 per cent of us jokers flunked it. An inter- esting sidelight is the fact that about 40 per cent of the poorer students who wouldn't have rated deferment in the basis of their college records passed the test with scores of 70 or better. These are the guys who are getting the most out of college, letting the books gather dust and the same with empty beer bottles in the corner. But with the hot breath of Uncle Sam on their necks, they put aside the Stag for awhile, pass the exams, and go back to the Shack and the Stable. Damn Right I'm 21 It's hard to keep from feeling sorry for those people who went home this summer under 21 and came back of age. Even more so for some of our friends who went home and came back with forged identification. When they voted liquor-by the drink out of Colum- bia this summer, they overlooked the broken hearts it would cause. After a stay of only two months it was gone and not many of us got to taste the stuff. We can re- member ordering a scotch and soda, getting caught, and being offered a coke by the understand- ing bartender. Now it's gone. And after all our preparation for this Fall, too. Advertising Hash The newspapers are always good for a few laughs, despite J Schol ideas to the contrary. We recently found an advertisement that had us rolling in the aisle of a bus to the dismay of passen- gers. "Joseph Schildkraut," it read, "has changed to." Then there was a picture of the famous actor in one of his best poses. Un- der the picture was more print, and we expected the inescapable Calverts. "Joseph, Schildkraut has changed to Broadcast Corned Beef Hash for late snacks." May- be Mr. Schildkraut has, but he could at least have the good taste not to startle his fans with the news. Strike Up the Ban We have finally gotten one step ahead of the censors and have figured out the next thing likely to be banned. We didn't see any- thing wrong with "Forever Am- ber", "The Naked and the Dead", or even some questionable issues of Showme. However, on the bas- is of these, we're surprised we even got to hear April Stevens at all. Her recording of "I'm in Love Again" and "Give Me A Little (Uh) Kiss, Will You, (Uh) Huh?" Left us slobbering in our beer. When one of her records comes on at night in the men's dormitories, everyone runs out into the hall screaming, "Turn your radio on, she's on again." The only thing one can say about Miss Stevens (if it is to be printed) is that she must have had a great deal of experience. Suggestive? Hell, it's downright maddening! Wonder if we can twist SGA's arm to get her to sing at our next dance? Who the hell is Hal McIntyre? 7 On the Fence All summer we wondered whether or not those fences de- signed to keep the North Koreans off White Campus lawns would be there in September. Then we came across this in a digest maga- zine. "It was Spring on the Colum- bia University campus, and 'Keep Off' signs sprang up on the newly seeded lawns. The students ig- nored the warnings (naturally) -which were followed by special requests-and continued tramp ing across the grass (naturally). The issue became rather heated, until finally the buildings-and- grounds officials took the prob- lem to President Ike Eisenhower. " 'Did you ever notice,' asked Ike, 'how much quicker it is to head directly where you're go- ing? Why not find out the route the students are going to take anyway, and build the walks there?' " Of course, Eisenhower is a gen- eral and has had a great deal of experience, so it isn't fair to ex- pect Mizzou officials to take a similar intelligent view of the sit- uation. Got Some Ice? In an obscure item this sum- mer the newspapers announced that the government had unfroz- en ice. This gigantic event went unheralded, although it marked another step forward in the fight against nature. Ice prices were frozen in January but now the OPS has authorized its local branches to thaw out the price where seasonal changes are cus- tomary. Just think-the law of gravity is next. Used Car-Low Prices In Mt. Vernon, Indiana a used car sale offered an .allowance of ten dollars for each child in the family. A man came in, looked the car over, picked out a hun- dred dollar one, brought in his ten children and drove out. In a couple of years the same man will probably be back, and the used car lot will have to pay him ten or twenty bucks for the buggy he chooses. Bus Fuss With Columbia busses chang- ing their routes last summer to make more money, we wonder if the City Council thought of try- ing this. In Wichita Falls, Texas, a policeman stood at a downtown corner with a new pad of traffic tickets. Every time a city bus stopped to pick up passengers, the driver got a ticket. The City Council wants the bus rerouted to pass by the YMCA, YWCA, USO, and some churches. The company refuses, so each bus gets a ticket for loading in an unauth- orized zone. Milkmen, Beware College students are always pulling some pranks to annoy people, and we know that some of them went to England this summer. In Braishfield, England, a horse, missing for four days, was found by its owner with its neck wedged in the fork of a tree nine feet from the ground. If it had been Columbia, they'd have arrested every MU student with- in twenty miles. Dutch Uncles A Dutch girl, Ann Kamstra of Amsterdam, was recently .in the U.S. on a tour. Interviewed by re- porters, she had some heartwarm- ing comments on Americans. "The American man," Miss Kamstra said, "must be very good at heart to put up with the independence of American wom- en. "In Holland it's the men who wear the pants, and the woman is pleased to stay at home and patch them." Another thing that caught her eye was the sag of women's slips. Herb Knapp From'ere on out mates we'll use the word "paddles" Herb Green "They're called keys. I got this one for being good at journalism, and this one for being president of my class, and this one for coffee hour and." "I always thought that Ameri- can women would be so well- groomed but I've never seen so many slips showing. It's not so bad in the Midwest, but in the East, it's terrible. Just terrible." For those males who are inter- ested, the Wabash and Katy rail- roads are running special low- rate cattle cars from Columbia to the Zuyder Zee. Zogarithms King Zog, the former Albanian ruler, who has been living in ex- ile in Egypt for eleven years, ar- rived in the United States this summer. "I come from a country that had 6,000 years of civiliza- tion," said the king, "to this country to see modern civiliza- tion." We doubt if his majesty managed to squeeze in a visit to Columbia's "wrong side of the tracks." Peppermint Sticks That reminds us of a story out of Providence, Rhode Island, home of Brown University. A couple of Brown students walked into barbershop one day and told the barber they'd like to buy his barber pole. The barber thought they were kidding. "How much do you want for it?" one of them asked. Still thinking it was a joke, the barber said he thought fifteen dollars was a fair sum. One of the young men reached into his pock- et, pulled out a ten and a five and handed them to the confused barber. Then they asked him for a bill of sale. Bewildered, he made one out, and they took it and the barber pole with them. They got about two blocks when an astonished policeman grabbed them and asked them where they got the pole. They told him without mentioning they had bought it. The officer took them to the station house. When the police sergeant saw them he started making out a ticket. The students then showed him the bill of sale. Muttering to himself, he let them go. They got about four blocks this time, when another alert patrol- man collared them and returned them to the station. The sergeant very disgustedly informed the of- ficers that the pole was rightfully their and let them go. This time they were brought back by two squad car policemen. Finally, the sergeant broadcast over the police radio to all offi- cers-if they saw two young men carrying a barber pole to let them alone, since they had actually bought it. The students left and walked past three or four policemen who just smiled at them and made no effort to stop them. A squad car passed and the officers in the car grinned broadly and waved at them. "Good joke," they yelled. "Too bad," In about half an hour sixty or seventy Brown students had marched into the town in pairs and carried off every barber pole in Providence under the smiling eyes of the law. South by Southeast Just a note of interest. No longer will the reeling student need a compass to find his dorm- itory in the wee hours of the morning. There are no longer Northwest, Southwest and South- east Dormitories. They have been named! Northwest Dormitory is now Robert McGhee Graham Hall, Southwest is now Richard Yeater Stafford Hall and South- east is Floyd Bruce Cramer Hall. Even the women's dormitories no longer bear the romantic names of Women's Residence Hall and Women's Hall "A". The former is now Sarah Gentry Hall and the latter is Eva Johnston Hall. Re- liable sources have it that "The Shack" is to be renamed Aloysi- us Thaddeus Prohibition Hall. Don't Be Ridiculous We also found a headline that stated that "Doctors attend 19 out of 20 births in the U.S." The figures on mothers attending have not yet been compiled, but it is expected that the percentage will be quite high. JJ G 9 candidly mizzou Dude Haley, Showme's super-salesman introduces some new Suzies to the illict joys of Showme, and lures three bucks from their yawning billfolds in order to keep the Showme staff supplied with beer money. Some guys will do anything to snag a date. The social swirl is as competitive as ever this year. How- ever, from the looks of this picture this is one shiek that will cease operating on fire escapes almost im- mediately. 10 "Peek-a-boo. I see you. Here we go 'round the mul- berry bush." One of the most popular college pastimes this fall is called, "Chase me around the bulletin board.' This is a sample of the new game. Rah, Rah? Perhaps? We feel sorry for the coppers. God is supposed to take care of chil- dren, drunks and idiots. The cops don't stand a chance because the "Rah, Rah Boys" qualify under all three classifications. Replace the couch with a cross and then let's have a hanging. Later on we can burn all the books. There's nothing like a nice mob brawl to releive the tensions created by the first week of school. Rah! Rah . . . Burp! They were bad but we were worse (M.U. vs Fordham). However, Missouri gained valuable experience and may upset some of the league favorites. . we were told. Now everyone hold their breath till we play Oklahoma. II Read Hall started Mizzou's social season off with a real blast, in the lounge. The three gentlemen in the foreground seem to be sizeing up the sitoation . Think twice fellas. She may have a charming personality? Registration confused a lot of us but this dolly wins the prize. Does she want a defer- ment? Is she a spy? On the other hand, she may be maladjusted? 12 This is not a meeting of the Klan, it records the last throes of Fraternity Rush. Greek hatchet men are administering the last rites before the new housebills are herded into the sanctuary of Brewer Field House. photo of the month . and the lions burped. Take Car of Mine Little Babutcha by Joe Gold H Knapp WE were sitting at the little bar, and I could tell she was go- ing to speak. She had opened her toothless mouth and was begin- ning to spit blood. "Son," she whined. (I wasn't really, but she was feeling good.) "Son, I'm an old derelict now. An unmarried granmother, and I have fallen through a mistake I made long ago." I leaned forward, filled my mouth with pretzels, and settled back for a tale of incest, gerry- mandering, and harlotry. But she wasn't in a professional mood. "When I started college in the old country, I made the mistake of joining a sorority. Kremlin Epsilon, it was, and it broke me. When I think of the cruel things that went on, I shudder." She did and three pretzels slithered out of her jaw and fell writhing on the floor. As she went on, the barten- der came out from behind the bar wiped them on his apron, and, glaring at her, put them back on the counter. "I remember one of the girls who was pledging the same time I was. At that time she was dat- ing a Mongoloid idiot and having quite a gay old time. One night the girls called a house meeting 14 and publicly denounced her. 'Shunka,' they said to her, 'it has come to our attention that you are dating a no-good proletarian who will get nowhere. He doesn't know beans-Red beans. Besides, he doesn't have all his buttons. That is not the way to get pledge points. And with a name like Vi- shinsky he sounds like a French Government.' So she stopped dat- ing him, began dating an up-and- always-coming worker named Og, and made plenty of pledge points and Og. But she was heart-bro- ken and used to spend her spare time reading Karl Marx back- ward. "Then there was Karma. She smelled bad always. She used to say pledge points were more im- portant than baths. We did not agree with her, but the heads of remlin Epsilon did, so for a month and a half she stank up our cell house. Finally, one evening she burped while singing 'Dear KE, We Love Youski,' and she left to become Head Madame at Lenin- gradd's ultra-ultra. "One evening we had a house meeting at four A.M. We were told to recite the Kremlin Epsilon Illustrated by HERB KNAPP Manifesto, listing all chapters from Minsk to Vladivostok. I can recall the eyebrows lifted (and later pencilled back into shape) when Hotnumba, our exchange student from Jupiter, confused Smolensk with Souix City. But they were lenient. They only Si- beriad her for two years. When a girl is Siberiad, it means she is confined to the chapter house and must count all the grains of salt in the salt cellars. Once I was Si- beriad and confused the salt cel- lars with the wine cellars and was I ever . oh. "And then there was Elsie. Her father had money, but we only despised her on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so she was happy. "And I shall never forget one little peasant who rose to one of the highest positions in our cell. She was Cluckska, our official rumor-monger. It was Cluckska who kept us furnished with things to snarl about while we polished our Wallace buttons. "I shall never forget the look of terror in her blood-shot, buck- shot, half-shot eyes, as she confid- ed to me. 'For seventen years I have been going steady with a socialist. Ever since he subsidized my milk bottle and sent me a vet- erinarian free, when we were both tiny nitchkas in our car- riages in Central Party Park. Ever since then we have been passionately in love, have begot- ten fourteen children, and have absolutely nothing in common. I love him madly. And it won't be so bad .when I marry him. . . even if they do shoot him. But, just think. Someday I'll have to look into my children's eyes and con- fess that their father was not a party member.' "Needless to say, Cluckska shot herself and was very happy when she was reincarnated as the cat in 'Peter and the Wolf'." "But come," I interrupted, yawning. "What does this have to do with you?" "Well, one night after lights out (this is when the treasurer comes around and spits on all the can- dles, telling us how much it costs to run the house) I was caught reading by the light of a tiny fire- fly I had seduced. Between splotches of darkness I was reading a copy of Philipski Wyl- ski behind a bok jacket (it was cold) of 'Das Capital'. "'This is no good,' the treasur- er said to me. 'It is violent anti- sorority, anti-firefly, and anti- aunty. You will be blacklisted.' "When a house meeting had been called, I was condemned to wander about the Western world, stopping to tell my tale of woe to anyone who'd sit still long enough I am a sort of modernized Ancient Marinated Herring. "And if I hadn't joined Krem- lin Epsilon, I could have been a happy peasant, being beaten by my husband, working eighteen and a half hours a day, and able to look forward to being shot in my old age. Damn sororities! Damn! Damn! Damn!" Herb Knapp This is a sample of rush week. The man with the beard is a big frat man. He is telling the freshman the "straight poop". After Rush Week he will laugh. Boys & Girls of the Month See the freshman girlie. She is watching her roommate say goodnight to her date. She is keeping score. She is laughing. She will turn her in for late minutes. The freshman girl has just talked with her ad- viser. He has given her some good advice. She will take his advice. She will never graduate. He will resign. 16 See the freshman. He is in Siberia. He thought the medical school should be in K.C. He is selling Showmes in order to pay his out of state fees. Swami ' s Snorts First Burglar: "Where ya been?" Second Burglar: "Out robbing a fraternity house." First Burglar: "Lose any- thing?" The husband answering the phone said: "I don't know, call up the weather bureau," and hung up. "What was that?" asked his wife. "Some fellow asked if the coast was clear." Throughout the year we sit in class like this,butwhen it comes to exam time, wetrytositlikethis. Returned soldier: "While in a famous city in Arabia I met a very pretty native girl." Dad: "Mecca?" Returned soldier: "You know me, Dad. I never fail with a frail.' Prof. What is the younger gen- eration coming to? Ditto: Why? Prof.: I told a coed who came in to see me about her grades to sit down, and she looked around for a chair. * * * Joe: "A woman's greatest at- traction is her hair." Moe: "I say it"s her eyes." Ike: "It is unquestionably her teeth." Mike: "What's the use of sit- ting her and lying to each oth- er?" Old Lady: Little boy, I would not kick my sister around like that if I were you. She's dead. Girl: Isn't that a beautiful butter- fly on my knee? It must think I'm a flower. Boy: That's no butterfuly. that is a horsefly. Miller's Elizabeth Arden The blue shop at home abroad This story is an exaggeration, naturally. However, there have been times during our college career when circumstances in- dicated that it really could happen! Herb Green The Professors Book of Notes A professor, whose name I feel obligated not to mention, came to class one day, waited for the noise to stop, looked about him, blushed, cleared his throat, fumbled with his tie, blushed some more and dismissed the class. He was the first one out of the room. The class wondered a little about the profesor's unusual be- havior. It was the first time any of them could recall his having dismissed a class before the reg- ular fifty minutes were up. The professor was a conscientious teacher. He had been teaching his sub- ject, the name of which I should not mention, for 21 years. He was a specialist in his field. As a mat- of fact, he was the nation's, if not the world's authority. It was not an extremely popular subject but it was required for several majors and pulled a few dozen students each semester. 20 These students came to class, took notes when they had noth- ing better to do, read the text sometimes passed the exams with- out too much difficulty or dis- honesty, and collected three hours' credit at the end of the semester. It was easy enough, if one could stand the boredom of the classes. The professor's lectures were like his suit and tie-they never changed. Year after year, he would walk into class, wait for the noise to cease, open his worn note-book, find where he left off the class before and begin talk- ing. His voice fit his lectures- dull. It was just a voice that talk- ed. And talked and talked and talked . . When fifty minutes were up, he would say, "That's sufficient for today," and would close his note-book carefully, because most of the pages were loose be- yond reinforcement. (Con't on page 22) I"ve just been oriented. Bill Andronicos Stuff Anderson I gotta blind date tonight and I wanta be on even terms! Herb Knapp I understand dis is yer kids foist date wit a big time Charle. STEIN CLUB Neukomm's (Con't from page 20) Actually, when you come to think of it, the professor was nev- er seen without that note-book. He always carried it close to him, as if it were part of his own per- son. He would place it carefully on his desk, as you would a cock- tail glass filled to the very rim. But the day that he dismissed his class he did not have his note- book with him, nor did he have the slightest idea of where it was. Once out of the classroom he walked rapidly to his desk in his office and searched each drawer thoroughly for the fourth time that day. No note-book. "Have you seen my notebook?" he asked a secrtary who was bouncing about the room trying to look busy. "No. sir," she said, and contin- ued her bouncing. The professor found the janitor in the hall. The janitor had not seen the note-book, but said there were some fine ones on sale in the book store. The professor walked to his bachelor apartment and turned it backside-forward-he had al- ready turned it upside-down- searching for his note-book. After two hour he sank into a chair. No note-book. The professor thought and thought and thought. He had lec- tured from the note-book for 21 years. Now it was gone. Surely he could lecture without it. After 21 years he knew his subject. That was all he knew. He didn't need the note-book, he told himself. The next day he walked into class, waited for the noise to cease, cleared his throat, pulled at his tie, blushed, and tried to think. He couldn't He could only imagine his note-book in front of him. But he could not imagine any words on the yellowed pages. He cleared his throat some more, pulled at his tie again, mumbled something about no class, and tore wildly out the door. Day after day the professor met his classes and dismissed (Con't on page 26) Bill Andro "No caption-Piano" Bill Andronicos "Damn it Clayton, must you talk in your sleep?" Stuff Bill Andronicos "-and above all, son, keep away from Stephens. That's where I met your mother." EWER My theory is-Where there's a huge sup- ply-there's no demand. eddie's toggery Swami ' s Snorts According to word received from district headquarters, the Rotten Officers Training Corps will be outfitted in new outfits this fall. The new attire will be a beautiful creation consisting of pink rompers and orange middy with cement gray polkadots. A weapon pocket for the razor will be installed just below the left shoulder, and the hip pocket will be enlarged to quart size. (Exerpt from 1923 Showme) Theta: "Does this train stop at San Francisco?" Conductor: "If it doesn't there's going to be one hell of a splash." K. Kilpatrick A little bear went tripping through the woods singing gaily, 'I'm a ready teddy, I'm a ready teddy," and she gently swayed her graceful body in time with the tune. Suddenly a pair of hairy arms came darting out from behind a big tree. A short time later the little bear continued on her way sing- ing, "I'm a ruined bruin, I'm a ru- ined bruin." "What do you know about the Spanish syntax?" "Doggone! Do they even have to pay for their fun!" Of course you've heard of the little moron who thought Vat 69 was the Pope's telephone number. Advice to Freshmen "Don't stare at the columns with momsick eyes, Don't plough through your books with scholarly sighs. Tilt high the bottle, shatter the glass. Unveil for yourself some cute l'il . . 'lass?' Drink until dawn and then puke on the grass, Sip coffee all morning, Cut that damn class!" Lady (holding cookie above Fi- do's head): "Speak! Speak!" Dog: "What shall I say?" * * "I was growing fond of George when he got fresh and spoiled it." "Yes, it's terrible how a college man can undo anything." * * * Slave: "There's a girl outside without food or clothing." Sultan: "Feed her and bring her in." * * * Say something soft and sweet to me. Custard Pie! Herb Knapp But during rush week the guys all promised. Herb Green There's a cave over here with a bed in it!! LAFTER THOUGHTS RUSH WEEK H. Green I asked a coed for a date- When she refused quite sweetly, I kicked her down three flights of stairs And broke her neck, completely- C.Y. The oysters found a fine new bed several miles up the sound. All the oysters were very happy except Ellie Oyster, who sat sob- bing under some seaweed. "What is the matter?" asked Poppa Oy- ster. "We have a beautiful new home, there's nothing for you to cry about." "Oh. yes, there is," wailed Ellie. "Clarence Crawfish will never be able to find me now and I love him with all my heart." "But does Clarence Crawfish re- ciprocate your devotion?" "In- deed he does," Ellie assured her father. "The last night before we moved upstream he took me in his arms. First he kissed me, here, on the forehead. Then he kissed me here, on the lips. Then he. My God, Daddy, My pearl!" "There are two ways to treat the urge. I, myself exhibited A lot of wisdom as a youth. Or You can remain inhibited!" S.G. 25 Campus Jewelers (Con't from page 26) them almost as rapidly . He tried to mentally prepare lectures be- fore going to class, but as he sat facing his students, with no note- book before him, he was lost for words. The distraught professor even tried writing out lecture notes, but new notes would not do. He only saw cracked, yellowing pa- per-his notebook without notes. The days of dismissed classes dragged on. Administrative offi- cials heard of the strange class- room procedure. The professor was watched, then questioned. "Not feeling well," he ex- plained. He requested a leave of ab- sence. It was quickly granted and the professor left school without delay. "Honestly, you'd think some people had never seen a sorority pin before!" He was never seen again. Some people say he is a beach- comber in Tahiti. Others claim to have seen him mooching beers in the Bowery. One story has it that he married a rich widow and is living happily in a Riviera villa. Another goes that he is a ser- geant in the French Foreign Le- gion. No matter what, I doubt if I'll ever see him again. But I'll think of him often. Whenever a professor unexpect- edly calls off a class. THE END SANITONE CAMPUS VALET 5 ways To Nab A MAN "Killer" Kilpatrick, girl about campus, sums up her experiences as a campus vamp for the benefit of those who are too illiterate to read Kinsey. 1 Make him aware of your charms 2 Show him your sweet, affectionate nature 3 Hint at your father's fortune 4 Let him know that you are ingenious and mechanically minded 5 Demonstrate your avid interest in nature Pat Kilpatrick Edgar' s The Goldbrick Knapp You will rise, my daughter, 'Though you're a beast; For the good of all You should have been yeast. * ** Whiskey and wine- Mix 'em-that's fine, But the latter and beer- The stomach pump, dear. * * * Papa's checks bounced Again and again, 'Caused he signed them all With a poison pen. Under the willow Under the oak Under the table From reefers and coke. Sidney Jones Is all aglow; What he thought was cheese Was ivory snow. A plumber earns more Than a cage star's tricks, So the cagers apprentice, And learn how to fix. A blind date to me Is not an ordeal; I always am willing, A fact I conceal. When descriptions are over, My question is next, "Never mind all this clowning, How's she feel about sex?" MEN OF EXTINCTION VOCALIST LA TI DO-Appearances at Sloppy Joe's Tavern, Industrial Arts Building during Registration Week and Shower Rooms of Rothwell Gymn. MODERN LINEN SUPPLY CO. Swami's Snorts If a girl says she love you more than anyone else in the world, she must have done a lot of ex- perimenting! "I'm going to fire that butler. He's all wet!" "Have you been having an argu- ment?" "No, but my wife has been taking a bath!" * * * Bob: "I feel as though we were engaged." Eve: "I know, and you've got to stop!" H. Green But what's wrong with frat men? A street cleaner was fired for daydreaming. He could'nt keep his mind in the gutter. First coed: I don't see why you want to marry Henry? He's just an everyday sort of man. Second coed: What more could a girl want in a husband? Drink and the world drinks with you. Swear off and you drink alone. "I think George dresses nattily." "She told me it was Bob." Prof: "Who was Talleyrand?" Stude: "A fan dancer, and cut the baby talk!" ** "Too bad, old man!" "What it?" "Your wife ran away with the butler." "S'allright. I was going to fire him anyhow." * * * "Whoever told the guy he was a prof? He just doesn't know how to teach the stuff. Everyone hates him. Everytime he tries to explain something he digresses so much that no one can understand what he's talking about. He ought to go back to the farm." "Yeah, he flunked me, too." Marie: "Do you know what good clean fun is?" Annie: "No, what good is it?" * * * Has you son's college education proved helpful since you've taken him into the firm? Oh yes, every time we have a conference we let him mix the drinks. * * * Prosecuting Attorney: "It's my duty to tell you that everything you say will be held against you." Defendant: "Jane Russel, Jane Russell, Jane Russell, Jane Rus- sell." * * * Just because my eyes are red doesn't mean I'm drunk. For all you know I may be a white rab- bit. PETERSON'S STUDIO Swani ' s Snorts "The love of a beautiful maid- The love of a staunch true man- The love of a baby unafraid- Have existed since life began, But the greatest love-the love of loves Even greater than the love of a mother- Is the passionate, tender and infinite love Of one drunken bum for an- other. * * Why is your tongue so black?" spilled a fifth of scotch on a blacktop road." Ever kiss a girl in a quiet spot?" Yes, but it was only quiet when I was kissing it." Prof to Sophomore: "Your work is terrible. You themes lack in- terest, unity, coherence, logic. What do you do in your spare time?" Student: "I'm a reporter for the Stewdent, sir." "I didn't sleep much last night." "Why not?" "The lady in the next room kept me awake eating candy." "Eating candy?" "Yes. All night long she kept say- ing 'Oh Henry, Oh Henry'." The sailor had missed his ship. It was majestically steaming through the Morrisville Bridge. With his arms around the girl's waist and a gloomy look on his face he muttered. "Now, honey, we're both in trouble." "Doin' anything Saturday night?" "Nope." "Ki'n I use your soap?" A cautious gal is one who buys her boy friend a flash light so he won't have to feel his way around in the dark. She: "We're going to give the bride a shower." He: "Count me in I'll bring the soap." * * * It was their first date and they were both thinking about the same thing. She called it mental telepathy. He called it beginners luck. Wickers' New GOLDEN CAMPUS STUDENT OWNED AND OPERATED Does Your House Need This ? ? ? PITTSBURG PAINT BRADY'S 15 S. 10th 4978 LIFE SAVER CONTEST RULES 1. Pair up actual U. S. town nam- es. Examples: From RYE, N.Y., to BOURBON, Ind. From SOFT SHELL, Ky., to LITTLE CRAB, Tenn. Send as many pairing as you like. 2. The odder the names - and the more amusing the relationship be- tween the two-the better your chances will be. 3. First prize winner will be sent $50. Second prize $25, third prize $10 and three $5 prizes. Contest closes June 30, 1951. All entries must be postmarked prior to mid- night that date to qualify. All en- tries become the property of Life Savers, and prize-winning combin- ations may be used in future ad- vertisements, together with the names of the winners. In case of ties, duplicate prizes will be awarded. Simply mail your entry to LIFE SAVERS, PORT CHES- TER, N.Y. Ina Tharp FLORIST PEPOMINT LIFE SAVERS KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER mumsy "Now, LeRoy, just how do you want me to help you and Eddie sneak into the game?" CHAPARAL filched TED HUDSON AWGWAN - Surf KNICKERBOCKER 32 "Now I ask you, gentlemen, just how mild can a cigarette be?" the spigot Knapp Standing in a line during registration, we heard a freshman comment, "Funny that all this is so damned complicated." So we laughed. And we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. "You think this is funny," we explained, "You just wait. You ain't seen nothing yet." And by the time you read this, he will have seen plenty. Beer, parties, co-eds and all the rest of that college hokum. However, some of the more sinister sinning might pass by him unnoticed. Here Showme steps into its dented armor and raises its colors of truth and justice on its scrawny lance, namely, this column. We pledge our last beer to reveal campus corruption, expose ad- ministration antics, uncover pro- fessional pranks, disclose big- wigs' blunders, unmask student shenanigans, and in general com- ment on what needs commenting on. All with as much sweetness and light that our normally sar- donic selves will allow. College cheating is a good ex- ample of the ingredients we'll toss into this pie. Ninety cadets are caught with their Points down and are given the old heave-ho. Congress inves- tigates, army brass blushes, edi- torials explode, football teams make offers, and the nation is set back on its military honor heels. All because 90 guys are too dumb to know their lessons and aren't smart enough to get away with it. They should have come to Missouri U. They would have been shown. We must admit-alas-that cheating goes on at MU, right un- der the very noses of profs, gra- ders, proctors and other educa- tional flunkies. For shame, stu- dents, for shame. But we would like to know whether its always the students' fault. Might not some of what is part of a so-called "breakdown of morals" lie within the higher edu- cational system itself? Can it not be argued that a lazy professor who makes up the same tests year after year is as much at fault for cheating as the student who rides his ponies rough-shod through the archaic fact exam? But that's intellectuals' parlor games. The only thing we can say is that it must be pretty tough for would-be generals to lose their first battle-that agains an exam- ination. "Soldier-scholars never die, They just crib away." Registration was complicated enough for our young friend, but wait until he tries petitioning out. He's going to learn that getting in- to a course is as orderly as the Queen's Grenadiers on parade in comparison to the complete chaos which surrounds getting out of one. Actually petitioning is a weed- ing-out process. Only those damn- (Con't on page 34) SUSIE STEPHENS By herb green But dah-ling, you don't understand-There must be a canal to Columbia. (Con't from page 33) ed-well determined to legitimate- ly scamper out of some scholarly hoax played on them during reg- istration turmoil can summon up the guts to go through with it. Queen contests will be puff- ing along on all 36 cylinders pret- ty soon. We engineered for a while and figured out that a freshman girl has one chance out of 16 to become a queen of some sort before she's through with this place. Which gives all you young hopefuls something to stuff your sweater for. Wondering what happens to former queens, we did some checking up and discovered that queens, like soldiers, fade away. The only girl we knew who be- came a professional model was never a queen when she was at MU. Fact is, when her picture appeared, her sorority sisters rap- idly bought up the town's supply of the magazine. Many a store- keeper wondered why co-eds were buying "girlie" magazines in quantity. However, the girl who never became queen on campus is now queen in many a barber shop and pool room. Never say die. Stephens College is one of the best reasons a guy can have for attending the University of Missouri. But the USO-like danc- es they too aren't the main thrill. Most of the fun over there comes when you get put on the "black- list." One guy we know was "listed" during his freshman year. When he was a junior, he asked some official if it was okey for him to take out a Suzie. The official Herb Green pointed at him and said, "Son, you're a lifer." This affected the guy's psy- cho-system, so he went out and peddled enough dope to amass a small fortune. When Stephens heard that the guy had gotten in- to the chips they welcomed him with open harems. Which just proves that some places it isn't how mucha you know, it's mucha da dough. Columbia is so-called because of its many columns. And this monthly fling-it will make one more. This is just the beginning Watch the next Showme We'll be sober then. Noris Casual Salon Swami ' s snorts He: "I suppose you dance." She: "I love too." He: "Great, that's better than dancing." The bride spoke from the luxuri- ous depth of the bridal bed: "Oh darling, I can hardly be- lieve we're married." Silence. She speaks again. "I can hardly believe we're married at last." No sound. "I can't believe we're married at last.' Finally, in a voice contorted with rage and frustration, the groom speaks: "You will if I can get this damn shoelace untied." Some girls are afraid of mice. Other have ugly legs. A school kid, whose first love was baseball, was writing the an- swers to a test in psychology. He wrote: "Your legs is what if you ain't got two pretty good ones you can't get to first base and neither can your sister." Teacher: Spell straight. Pupil: S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T Teacher: Correct. Now what does that mean? Pupil: Without ginger ae. Angry father: "What do you mean by bringing my daughter in at this hour of the morning?" Student: "Have to be at class by eight." * * * I'm getting so thin you can count my ribs. Let's turn out the lights first. * * * He: You look like a million dol- lars. She: Yes, and I'm just as hard to make. * * * Lines By One of Showme's Patron Saints "Nothing yet conceived by the mind of man has given more real pleasure than a well conducted tavern." "Young man, no one ever died of drinking, though some have perished while learning the art." -Dr. Samuel Johnson Tiger Club contributors' page dude haley Uninhibited is the word for Dude. None of this embryo colle- giate-sophistication for him. "The way I look at it you can either put on a show or have a good time.lissen to this new recipe for Purple Passion," quote, un- quote. Dude is one of the old tim- ers on the staff. He is constantly urging bigger and better Showme parties, "Now lemme tell you guys, back in "48" I had a three- day hangover. Now THAT was what I call a party?" Dude didn't get to be Showme Business Manager by winning a chug-a-lug contest, though he probably could have done it that way if it had been necessary. Swami presented him with the key to his cashbox because he is the only bill collector in the his- tory of the magazine who traced his man deep into the Ozark Hills to collect a Showme ad debt. "If Haley's on your trail, pay up or go to jail," and neither the Moun- ties or the Texas Rangers have a more glorious tradition. Dude is a member of Phi Kap- pa Psi social fraternity, but I doubt if the boys around the house see much of him for a while. He was recently married to the former Miss Arlene (yum, yum) Corbin, Gamma Phi Beta. 36 pat kilpatrick Known to her dipsomanic as- sociates as (Drums roll, cymbals clang, and through the hallowed crevices of the Shack comes a banshee wail) "The Killer", we have Miss Pat Kilpatrick. Killer is going to hold down the art editorship of this, rather ques- tionable publication this semester. It is a job that requires the dex- terity of an octopus and the im- pervious hide of an armadillo. Naturally Pat has these charac- teristics but they are camouflag- ed beneath an exterior so tanta- lizing, so stimulating that even Showme's glamorous, mytholog- ical secretary Natalie is a bit en- vious. Besides drawing some of the weirdest cartoons that have ever appeared in Showme, Miss Kil- patrick is engaged in several oth- er campus diversions. S.G.A., Varsity Swim Club and Work- shop. During the summer she bought an ivory cig holder and dashed about playing stage man- ager for the renown Tenthouse Theatre in Chi Town. Perhaps this is the best place to pass on a casual remark, over- heard, concerning Killers car- toons, "They scare me when I'm drunk!" Killer is a Theta, 19 and smokes Parliments. hank marder Henry, "the happy hooligan," Marder has been swept by fate into the zany position of Publicity Director for this infamous publi- cation. You've seen him, the crazy guy with the goat, that's Hank. Last semester Hank worked out all sorts of stupendous publi- city shenanigans for Showme but he always received eleventh-hour phone calls from the Dean's Of- fice informing him, in rather ab- breviated language, not to pro- ceed with his disgraceful antics unless he wanted to be deported to the interior of Eastern Mon- golia. But that was last year. "This year I'm gonna toe the line," says Hank, with an expression of goo- ey sweetness diffused over his normally degenerate phisogomy. "All I'm gonna pull is pure as hell. First we hire a fan dancer, see. Then we put her in the middle of Jesse Walk, see." That's Hank talkin', see! Seriously though, Swami is ex- pecting some super-stunts from "Wild Man". Hank is a member of Phi Sig- ma Delta social fraternity and is majoring in ther three "S's." Sex, Sin and Showme. The Hathman House Camel Cigarettes