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Shall We Go To War?-Campus Symposium
Missouri
Showme
June, 1940
15 cents
Camel Cigarettes
CLASS OF '40...
Today I am graduated . .
And what do I have now?
A scrap of paper in one hand,
A dull ache in the other arm
From pointing so long toward something,
And a blinding light in my eyes
Wherever I turn.
Don't ask me what it is.
I refer the question to
God and Robert Browning.
Tomorrow someone may put a spade in my hand
And tell me to plow under
All that ever grew
From the bountifulness of the earth.
Or perhaps I shall wear
A cold steel helmet on my head
And hold a gun, forgetting
That I read in a book somewhere
Of the brotherhood of man.
Must I think about these things?
Maybe I need a drink - or something;
But I'm flat broke, as always.
You know, I'm not so bad.
There is a faith somewhere,
A little too big to fall out
Of the holes in my pockets.
I tell you what-
I'll make you a bargain:
You buy me a beer
And give me a job.
And, by God!
I'll bring Hitler back alive-
Or make Democracy work-
Or eat my hat-
Or bust.
-Florence Schwartz
page one
Missouri
Showme
A Thing
Or Two
What's
Inside
By all rights, this should be the SHOWME'S
Graduation Issue. We should picture the Class of
'40 in caps and gowns, their clean young faces aglow
with Hope of Tomorrow, the Promise of Things
to Come.
But we can't do it. We just can't bring our-
selves to stick our heads in the sand and talk about
New Worlds to Conquer. It's asking too much to
"educate" a man for four or five years and then
expect him to come out babbling sweetness and light
in a world that is gall and darkness.
There are other things to picture; other stories
to tell. Much of the "civilized world" bends the
knee to the god of Might. The Brotherhood of Man
crumbles under wholesale fratricide. Men call upon
God to bless their bombs and bullets ...
Graduation Issue? Well, hardly. Graduation
For What?
Graduation for war? Diplomas for death?
What shall our Commencement speakers tell us?
That the world is waiting for us with open arms?
(In ambush, perhaps.) Or - at the deep end - that
our job is to "defend ourselves" by joining Europe's
Passion Party?
Whatever they tell us, let us get a good look at
things now, while we can still see straight. What do
we see?
We see that no longer must "Youth be served."
Today Youth is asked to do the serving. That's our
most selfish reason for keeping our skirts clear of
Europe.
Secondly, we see that twenty-even ten-years
after a war, impartial historians record nothing of
the glory of marching uniforms, none of the adven-
ture of trench-fighting, none of the glamor of shrap-
nel. Instead, they report incomprehensible costs,
in terms of utter futility and waste. And they don't
even have to tell us of the Years After. We have
seen them ourselves. That's our most UNselfish
reason for leaving Europe to its own slaughter.
The point, then, is this: College education has
done nothing for us if it hasn't taught us to look
for values, to distinguish wheat from chaff. That's
our protection against propaganda; that's our de-
fense against war hysteria.
That's our real diploma - our diploma for life!
page two
CLASS OF'40 .............................--- -
Verse without rhyme that gets beneath the sur-
face of the boys in caps and gowns. We think
it catches the real spirit of the season's Hon-
ored Class.
SHALL WE GO TO WAR? ............................
Showme presnts a campus-wide symposium of
thought on "What shall the United States do
about the war in tEurope?" The answers don't
agree, but that's why they're interesting.
ON THE W AX ............... ......... ..................
'The year's last collection of notes on the music-
box platters. Latest recordings all, with Name
Bands doing the honors.
HONOR SYSTEM ...........................
A short story about some college boys who had
conflicting ideas about Honor and examina-
tions. By Mills Schanuell.
NO NEWS IS WAR NEWS .......................
One of the best ways to show war in a poor
light, we think, is to burlesque it. These "news
stories" don't make much sense, and yet they
make a lot of sense ..
PEACE POLL RESULTS ..............................
Results of the United Student Peace Commit-
tee's poll on War or Peace show, oddly enough,
something of a majority for peace, with some
interesting figures.
"THEY'LL DO IT EVERY TIME" ...............
Another of "our" King Features boys, Jimmy
Hatlo, comes through in great style.
COVER-"HENRY," drawn especially for Showme
by Carl Anderson.
VOL. IX JUNE, 1940 NO. 10
STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP
The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during
July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi,
national professional journalism fratrnity, as the official humor
and iter.iry publication of the University of Missouri. Price:
$1.00 per year; 15e the single copy. Copyright 1939 by Missouri
chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted
without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging
college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College
'Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams
Hall; office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Colum-
bia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage
must be enclosed for return.
Showme Cross-Sections the Campus.....
SHALL WE GO TO WAR?
Some Say Yes, Some Say No, But Everybody Has
Something to Say About the War in Europe . . . .
In order to cross -section
campus opinion on the day's
leading bull- session topic,
SHOWME asked a number of
prominent students to write
for publication their answers
to "What Should the United
States Do About the War in
Europe?"
RUSS HARRIS, editor of the
Savitar:
All I know is that I have very
little desire to spend the next few
years taking pot shots at some kids
who'd probably be buddies if I
met them in the Shack instead of
in a trench. Maybe the boys are
playing football with the heads of
Belgian babies, but a good game
of football never hurt anyone.
My dad's medals are very pretty,
but the machine-gun slugs rambling
around his legs didn't help his golf
game. Just between the two of us,
I'm now working on a sensational
invention which is guaranteed to
give you flat feet in four minutes.
MARTIN UMANSKY, outgoing
editor of the Student:
I wish someone would rather ask
me whether I would accept a thirty-
five-dollar-a-week job on a good
newspaper - or better still, offer
me one . . . I just haven't been
able to do any thinking about the
European war. It looks bad in news-
print and the radio commentators
are trying their best, but it's all a
lot of words to me. I guess I don't
want to think about it, because I
really don't know what the United
States ought to do.
I think most people do not fear
a foreign invasion. But it seems they
want to see Germany defeated-
and I believe we might go to war
for that purpose.
SHOWME presents t h e s e
answers as evidence that col-
lege students are thinking-
and thinking seriously-about
national and world affairs. In
this they furnish a lead that
many Older Heads might prof-
itably follow ...
KAKI WESTMORELAND, Arts
and Science senator:
I think the United States should
immediately send all the money,
food, planes and munitions to the
Allies, in our own ships, that they
need. I do not mean sell; I mean
give this to the Allies.
This will indubitably be a drain
on the American people, but does
it even compare with the sacrifice
in human lives we will inevitably
pay if we have to send our armies,
or if Germany wins and dominates
us politically and economically?
STEVE KEMPSTER, chairman
of the United Student Peace Com-
mittee:
Americans interested in the wel-
fare of our country want no part
of the present war.
Whether we like it or not, we
must recognize that President
Roosevelt has become the acknowl-
edged leader of those un-American
forces seeking to drag us into war
against our will. The tremendous
arms appropriation asked by the
President is a seven-league step
toward shedding American blood in
defense of American profits and Eu-
ropean empires. The American peo-
ple have nothing to gain from the
defense of any of these things.
Today it is the arms budget; to-
morrow it will be something else.
Whatever it is, honest, courageous
Americans will fight the high-
handed war-mongering of the Presi-
dent with energy and determination.
PAUL CHRISTMAN, All-Amer-
ican football player:
I firmly believe our smartest
move would be to enter the Euro-
pean war immediately. If the Al-
lies receive no aid, it looks like a
shut-out for Germany's team. Then
little Adolf would have only the
U. S. to concentrate on, and , he'd
be a pretty tough boy tq han-dle.
So I maintain that we should get
our feet wet immediately while
Adolf still has a few distractions.
However, it is not my personal
desire that we make such a move, as
I am strictly a pacifist. I would also
add that I'm a fatalist and refuse
to worry. I haven't even followed
the big game thoroughly in the
papers.
CHAUNCY STANBERRY, S.G.
A. president:
I am not afraid to fight and even
die if it is necessary, but I think
we should go to war only in the
most extreme cases--in defense of
our country. How can a nation jus-
tify the wholesale slaughter of its
most fit-men who are the strongest
both mentally and physically, and,
in general, leave the less fit to re-
produce and furnish the future cit-
izens and leaders of our country?
War means that not only the less
capable are left behind; it means
that after the war is over they must
support thousands of gassed and
shell-torn men as well as themselves.
Invasion only justifies warfare, I be-
lieve.
It seems to me that the United
States has enough more important
problems of its own to settle with-
out taking on the problems of other
nations.
BE T T Y CR O W, president of
Mortar Board:
Being a school teacher, I must
be guarded in what I say. I have
three brothers who would be first-
liners. Being of the shallow-minded
page three
sex, I naturally am easily taken in
by brass bands and gaudy uniforms.
Yet "Eleanor hates war. I (Betty
and Franklin D.) hate war. There-
fore, there shall be no war." (Ante-
dated: 1939.)
But being a Republican, I
couldn't sanction Roosevelt. Hon-
estly, I don't.know what should be
done about the war in Europe. If
I were to say what I really thought,
I'd start a revolution in this coun-
try. Perhaps that would be the so-
lution.
CLARENCE DICUS, Y.M.C.A.
president:
Under no circumstance should we
Americans cross the seas to fight!
When and if the United States are
invaded, 35,000,000 red-blooded
Americans will take up arms and
send back the foreign troops within
twenty-four hours.
To maintain such a policy, how-
ever, I believe it is necessary to
stand behind Mr. Roosevelt 100
per cent, and rush his inland de-
fense program through Congress
immediately. Such proposals as
"One plane here for every one
shipped abroad," "Congressmen in
the front ranks," and "war refer-
endum" all have their good points
but are unnecessary as long as such
men as Franklin Delano Roosevelt
and Cordell Hull steer our ship of
state.
Selling arms to belligerents is
"OK" as long as a strict "Cash and
Carry" program is enforced. There
is absolutely no reason at all why
the United States should enter this
World War II.
MURRAY AMPER, next year's
editor of the Student:
Consideration of the similarity of
this war to the last one and of the
results of the last leaves one skep-
tical about "saving democracy"
again. If an Allied victory means
victory for the same group whose
disregard for true democracy al-
lowed the present situation to de-
velop ,then we shouldn't waste sym-
pathy on Britannia and her waves.
It doesn't seem probable that
Germany can subjugate the. huge
British Empire and then turn on
the United States. Obviously our
form of government is preferable
page four
to that of Germany - to the extent
that it is worth fighting for. But
would a German victory actually
threaten our form of government if
we made it work successfully?
BILL GILL, president of Blue
Key:
At present, it seems as if the en-
tire world has gone war mad. The
question, therefore - especially for
college-age students is, "What to
do about the European war?" My
answer is one simple word-NOTH-
ING. I say, what difference does
it make to us if Germany does take
over a large part of Europe? It
would mean merely a shifting
around of our economic system and
would not, in the long run, cost us
nearly so much as a war. I say that
we should build up our national de-
fense to be able to stand on an
equal footing with any of the Eu-
ropean powers. And then if they
want to trouble us, we can show
them some more of that Yankee
Spirit.
GLORIA HUNTER, St. Pat's
queen:
America should remain neutral
in this present European war.
Recently I heard Stuart Chase
speak on why America should stay
out of the war. His reply to those
who favor entering the war was
this: Germany could not possibly
come to America and bomb our
cities, for she would have to estab-
lish naval bases along our coasts.
Our coast guards and patrols would
prevent this. To those who wish
the United States to enter the war
because they believe Germany will
conquer France and England and
then be so powerful that the Unit-
ed States would be defeated, Stuart
Chase replied that Germany would
be exhausted from such a war and
the discontent of her people would
keep her busy without trying to
conquer the United States. Let's
stay at home where we belong and
help to preserve the peace and pros-
perity on the American continent.
DON DELANEY, president of
the Independent Men's Association:
The danger to American democ-
racy lies not in any possibility that
Hitler will attack this hemisphere,
but in our ten million unemployed,
the one-third of our population who
are ill fed, ill clothed, and ill housed,
our grain surpluses with sixty per
cent of our farmers tenants, our
unbalanced budget.
We need no more armament-
spending, which merely aggravates
domestic problems. Our danger is
from "patriots" and politicians at
home who think with their emo-
tions, who would waste a generation
to enforce our way of government
upon peoples who neither want it
nor are able to take it.
No matter what happens in Eu-
rope, our only job is to remain out
and solve our problems at home.
CHET HILL, 1940-41 president
of the Student Government Associ-
ation:
Relevant to the war situation, it
seems that we have no choice in
the matter. Our present armaments
would not warrant our entering a
major conflict.
From an economic standpoint,
we should have learned our lesson
in the last great war, because the
strain of it is still reverberating in
our country. We were the recipient
of P. 1'. Barnum's adage, in that
the United States paid for the war
to make the world safe for democ-
racy.
Now what do we have in Europe?
A conflict of even greater enormity
than the last one. To save our own
country, I would be ready and
willing to fight, but not before.
JIM ISHAM, new Savitar editor:
Things look pretty black right
now - the Germans deep in France
and all, but it was this bad in the
World War at one time, and the
Allies pulled out of it then. Suppose
the Germans did succeed-which
I don't think they will- and sup-
pose they did invade America-
which I don't think they will-
they'd have one hell of a time fight-
ing a war over here.
Of course increase the army, the
navy, the air force -increase the
whole works. But we may not have
to use them.
In the meantime, what's the use
worrying? If we go to war next win-
ter, we can worry about it then. It's
not doing anybody any good to fret
about it now.
(Continued on Page 21)
ME
I feel so small that if I sat on a dime
eight cents would show.
I feel like a palm beach suit that
has been out in the rain.
I'm so flat that they could play me
on a victrola.
I'm so tired I couldn't kill an after-
noon.
I feel as shaky as a Ford fender on
the Rocky road to Dublin.
I owe money to everyone. Even the
collar I have on is attached.
I feel like a chorus girl - not so
good.
I feel like a suit of tissue BVD's-
tearable.
They call me talcum-I'm always
taking a powder.
Student (trying out for magazine) :
I'm going to start writing.
Editor: Good, it'll bring you in
touch with your family.
The golfer was driving off a yard
in front of the teeing mark when the
club secretary yelled, "Hey, you can't
do that; you're disqualified."
"What for?" demanded the player.
"You're driving off in front of the
markers," declared the secretary.
The player looked at him with pity.
"Don't be silly," he said. "I'm playing
my third stroke."
He's so strong he has muscles on his
muscl es.
STOP
THE WAR
NOW!
YOU ... who should live at this
time and enjoy the flower of our
civilization may be required to
die an agonizing death or live a
useless living death for years to
come. Decide now that war is the
survival of barbarism, that hu-
man life is sacred and that the
first human right is the right to
life itself.
War is rarely fourght for its alleged
aims, but for some concealed eco-
nomic reasons. May not the U. S. A.
be accused of financing the present
war in Europe by its purchases of
gold and silver from different bel-
ligerents - buying gold for approxi-
mately $12 an ounce more than it
cost the seller, and accumulating sil-
ver (which is virtually worthless)
above market price?
War does not create
democracy but destroys it-
Witness Europe groaning under its
several dictators to-day as a result of
the last war. Be courageous. Keep
America out of war and help re-
store an early peace. Your influ-
ence is a most important factor in
stopping the spread of war. You can
aid in saving humanity from an un-
known and incalculable abyss.
| Sign and return the following
pledge:
"War is a crime against humanity. I
therefore am determined not to sup-
port any kind of war, international or
civil, and to strive for the removal of
all the causes of war."
Mr., Mrs., Miss ..........................
A ddress ..... ................................
City, State ... .....................
Occupation............ Date............
and thus prove your desire for the
citizen's privilege of exemption from
compulsory military service for those
who believe killing their fellow men
is contrary to the laws of God and
Man. A representative Lawyers' Com-
mittee composed of members of sev-
eral peace societies is now working
on the legality of draft exemption for
conscientious objectors.
When in New York come to the
PEACE HOUSE
Fifth Avenue and 110th Street
New York City
Open Sundays, 2 to 6 P. M.
For further information write to
MRS. J. SERGEANT CRAM
at the Peace House
Scene on the Campus
Trying to Keep Cool?
N clockwise fashion, we find Mr.
Senior wearing a white suit, white
shirt, and a solid blue tie.
Mr. Junior, who has just finished an
exam, is out to play some golf. He's
going from one course to another.
That's a beige play suit he's wearing.
Mr. Pipe Smoker forgot to pull up
the shade this morning and thought it
looked like rain. He's wearing a knee
length raincoat with triplet stitching
at bottom and cuffs. He's digging in
his pocket to make sure he's got that
pack of Life Savers. It makes him feel
less self-conscious during exams ask-
ing his neighbor for correct answers.
Mismated jackets and trousers are
the thing for summer informal attire.
The undergraduate is wearing a trop-
ical worsted brown jacket with con-
trasting mochre gabardine trousers.
On The Wax
Artie Shaw's new 31-piece band
has waxed a few out on the west
coast with varied results. Reviving
the morbid ditty, GLOOMY SUN-
DAY (Victor-26563) Artie's "big
band" sounds really fiine in spots.
The entire disc is plenty solid and
Pauline Byre's vocal is good. In
lighter spirits, DON'T FALL
ASLEEP (on the reverse) is all in
all a better record. Miss Byre sings
better too.
Maybe Shaw can blame his ex-
tended "rest-up" stay in Mexico
City for FRENESI (Victor-26542)
and ADIOS, MARQUITA LINDA,
on the other side. Both are genuine
stinkaroos except for the muted
trumpet chorus on FREN and
Shaw's clarinet chorus on ADIOS.
On the smooth, sweet side is
Glenn Miller's recording of STAR-
LIGHT AND MUSIC (Bluebird-
10684) with a fine vocal by Ray
Eberle. Reverse is another vocal
by Ray on HEAR MY SONG,
VIOLETTA, another sweet tune.
'STAR DUST' STILL TOPS
You've probably been hearing
that ultra-super recording of STAR
DUST on machines around town.
It's by Glenn Miller and one of
the best ever recorded of the eleven-
year-old favorite by Hoagy Car-
michael. An entire column could
be written on just the sax phrasing,
the interludes, the unusual chords,
the abrupt modulations, Clyde Hur-
ley's trumpet chorus, and Tex
Beneke's tenor chorus. All I'll say
is, if the average record on ma-
chines is worth 5 cents, then this
record is worth $5. The number is
Bluebird- 10665. MY MELAN-
CHOLY BABY, on the reverse, has
a Tex Beneke vocal which proves
that one good tenor sax man can't
sing.
MILLER RHUMBAS
Beneke does much better vocaliz-
ing with Marion Hutton on the kick
tune, THE RHUMBA JUMPS
(Bluebird-10673) also by Glenn
Miller. Beneke's tenor is good, as
always. Ray Eberle sings well on
the other side, which is I'LL
NEVER SMILE AGAIN.
If you like Charlie Barnet's band
you'll like CASTLE OF DREAMS
(Bluebird-10644) which is one of
his latest. Barnet is the standout
as usual. Mary Ann McCall phras-
es the vocal well. Reverse is YOU-
'VE GOT ME ON A LIMB, which
carries a nice tenor chorus by Bar-
net.
A LOVER'S LULLABY (Blue-
bird 10662) by Barnet is proof that
this deep-grooving swing band can
play sweet. The rhythm section is
featured, particularly guitar and
piano, with pleasant results. Miss
McCall sings the other side, YOU-
'VE GOT ME VOODOO'D.
Frank Sinatra, formerly with
Harry James, vocalizes well on
Tommy Dorsey's recording of I'LL
BE SEEING YOU (Victor-26539).
The reverse, POLKA DOTS AND
MOONLIGHT, features a trom-
bone chorus by T. D. himself and
a tenor sax chorus by I don't know
just whom. Both are good. Sinatra
sings this side also.
TEN MILE HOP (Victor-
26575) by Larry Clinton is a nice
groove tune with plenty of riffs.
THE LADY SAID "YES" on the
back falls short of Clinton's usual
platters. The vocal by Fred Leary
doesn't help much, if any.
SCAT VOCAL BY PASTOR
Ex-Artie Shawite, Tony Pastor,
waxed another good one on LET'S
HAVE ANOTHER ONE. The
semi-Phil Harris-scat vocal by Tony
himself is something different, and
good too. Other side is ALEGRE
CONGA, which staggers around
and finally hits a fairly decent
groove in the last chorus. The rec-
ord is Bluebird-10679.
Benny Goodman recently made
a re-print on BLUE SKIES (Blue-
bird-10680), backed by REMEM-
BER. Both are Fletcher Henderson
arrangements. The original was so
(Continued on Page 18)
RADIO ELECTRIC SHOP
HONOR
SYSTEM
A College Story
By MILLS SCHANUEL
In the catalogue of Brenten Col-
lege for men, sandwiched between a
description of the beautifully
wooded campus and a brief re-
minder of Tucker College for women
in the community ("which makes
for pleasant social relations") was
an article written in somber tone
on the Honor System.
In effect, it stated that Brenten,
being a college devoted to the de-
velopment of the student's char-
acter as well as to his mind, was
governed in matters of discipline by
a group, chosen from and by the
student body, called the Student
Council. Its chief function was to
try those students caught cheating
on examinations and to recommend
the expulsion of those found guilty.
During the latter part of the fall
term, when Harold Bagby was ap-
pointed chairman, the council be-
came considerably more a c t ive
against what it called intellectual
and moral dishonesty. Four vio-
lators were caught, tried, and later
expelled.
But it was not until Carl Read
was brought before the council to
be tried that the students rose in
a body and vigorously protested.
Everybody knew Carl wasn't a
cheat.
About a week before Read was
called upon to answer the charges
leveled against him by the Student
Council, he sat at supper with sev-
eral men in the dining room of the
dormitory. With David Barnes, his
roommate, he carried on a casual
conversation; but the third man at
the table, Harold Bagby, listened
attentively and said little.
"Well, Bagby," said Barnes,
nudging Read, "any more cases for
the council lately?"
"No, I think we've broken off
most of the rotten limbs."
"Don't you think you were a lit-
tle hard on the boys."
page eight
"I do not. If we should once
show leniency it might encourage
others to take chances." Bagby took
a drink of water and carefully
wiped his mouth. "I told the coun-
cil," he continued, "that we'd either
have to practice the Honor System
a hundred per cent or not at all,
and I brought them around to my
point of view - the men were
thrown out."
Barnes snapped his fingers. "You
didn't waste any time with them,
did you?"
Bagby nodded proudly. "That's
right. But I don't think we were
hard on those chaps" - his voice
rose in self-justification. "They were
warned when they came here. They
knew what the punishment was.
They took the gamble and lost.
And the council simply performed
its duty. We had no choice."
"No choice? I don't understand
that. Was there somebody there
with a gun in your ribs?" Read
shook his head. "You fellows have
too much authority. It's not good
for you, and it's certainly not good
for the student body.
Bagby slowly looked up. His
voice was low and calm, but there
was a suggestion of malice about the
corners of his mouth. "Then you
don't believe in the system, Read?"
"Shall I draw you a diagram?"
"I see," said Bagby, nodding his
head. "And if, by any chance, you
saw someone cheating on an exami-
nation, of course you'd consider it
none of your business?"
"That's right," Read answered
quietly.
Bagby reddened. "Then, by God,
you haven't any business here in
Brenten College," his voice rose,
and the whole room suddenly be-
came quiet. "If you don't like the
way things are run around here
you can clear out! We don't want
your kind at Brenten!"
"Cut it!" Barnes said shortly.
"You keep out of this, Barnes!"
Bagby shouted.
Barnes was unimpressed. "Sit
down and stop making a damn fool
of yourself."
Bagby glared at the two for a
moment, threw down his napkin,
and strode indignantly from the
room. Barnes turned to Read and
shrugged his shoulders.
Professor Stillman entered the
examination room, smiled malevo-
lently over the gloomy assembly,
and went quickly to work distribut-
ing paper. Then he turned, wrote
the questions on the board and left
the room.
A quarter of an hour passed. The
creaking of a bench or the scratch-
ing of a pen were the only sounds.
It was then that Carl Read, raising
his eyes to rest them momentarily
from the strain of writing, saw
Bagby, his neck stretched in an un-
natural position, industriously copy-
ing information from Read's paper.
Bagby was so intent on his task
that for a moment he did not realize
Read had stopped writing. Then his
hand froze. He slowly raised his
eyes and met Read's incredulous
stare.
When Read finished, he found
Bagby waiting outside for him.
"I've got to talk to you," Bagby
said, blocking Read's path.
"It's no good, Bagby."
"You're turning me in?"
"Certainly."
Bagby's manner had completely
changed - no longer was he the
HONOR SCORES A VICTORY
AT THE SYSTEM'S EXPENSE
pompous, conscientious head of the
s c h o l's disciplinary committee.
"But I tell you I didn't realize what
I was doing," he said earnestly. "I
didn't think.
"Apparently not. This won't look
so good for a man on the council."
Bagby grasped Read's arm firmly.
"You're going to keep quiet about
this," he said softly. "I'm not ask-
ing you; I'm telling you."
"You're in no position to tell any-
body anything."
"Where are you going now?"
"To the Student Council."
"Are you open to reason?"
Read smiled slowly. There was no
mistaking what the other meant.
"No," he said, "I'm not. I'm more
interested in seeing you in hot wa-
ter. I'm more interested in putting
you in the same spot you put those
other fellows in."
"I tell you you're sticking your
neck out, Read. I'm not going to
let myself get pushed around this
way."
"I'll try to remember it. And
now if you've got nothing more to
say I'll be getting along."
Bagby, realizing it useless to
threaten, changed tactics once more.
"I guess you think I'm pretty much
of a heel," he said thoughtfully.
"Frankly, yes."
"Well, prehaps you're right. But
when I stopped you a while ago, I
was just going to ask you a small
favor. I'm guilty. I know that. And
I can take what's coming as well
as the next. I'm simply going to
ask you to keep quiet until tomor-
row night."
"You've got something up your
sleeve."
"No, really. I just want a chance
to get away from here first."
Read hesitated. "I guess there's
no harm in that."
"No harm at all." Bagby smiled
pleasantly. "And thanks a lot. I
really appreciate it."
Read turned and walked thought-
fully toward the dormitory; Bagby
watched him go and continued to
smile.
At the supper table that night
Bagby appeared to be in the best of
spirits. "Where's Barnes?" he asked
a sophomore.
"I haven't seen him all day."
Someone at the end of the table
looked up. "Read," he said, "you
tell that roommate of yours that
the next time he takes a camera shot
of me in the shower he's going to
get that camera rammed down his
throat - case and all. I saw him
circulating around today taking
pictures for the yearbook. I guess
that's what he's doing now."
"A man doesn't have the privacy
of a goldfish with Barnes around,"
the sophomore complained; then
added, "By the way, I hear Still-
man really made it rough on you
this morning."
There was a short silence. Bagby
stirred uneasily. "Yes, it was pretty
tough."
"Discussion?"
"Every single question."
The sophomore laughed.
A moment later Bagby picked up
his knife, and, while Read watched
him suspiciuosly, rapped it vigor-
ously against an empty glass.
The steady drone of conversation
in the room suddenly ceased.
Bagby's chair scraped noisily; he
rose to his feet and calmly waited
until the last sound had died away.
"I want your attention for only
a moment," Bagby said solemnly.
"I've had to make announcements
like this before, and I've never liked
it. This time it's going to be harder
than ever. Because this time it con-
cerns one of us." He hesitated. "I'm
referring to Carl Read, whom I per-
sonally reported to the student
council early this morning, for
cheating."
There was a moment of perfect
silence; then a low murmuring be-
gan, swelled to a roar, and broke
like a wave over the assembly.
Events followed each other in quick
succession.
Read, who for a moment had
been stunned, suddenly threw him-
self on Bagby, and the two fell
struggling to the floor. Bagby, sur-
prised and badly frightened, swore
wildly, and while he twisted and
squirmed and tried to strike back,
Read fastened his hands about
the other's neck and pounded his
head against the floor. Bagby's eyes
widen e d, his breathing became
choked, and he struck blindly and
ineffectually at the face above him.
The house mother screamed some-
thing above the din, and a dozen
men closed about the two and
dragged them apart.
Bagby, wildly reviling Read, was
quickly taken from the room, while
Read, glowering and silent, allowed
himself to be led to a chair.
He sat down dully, put his face
in his hands, and tried to think.
The bedlam in the room seemed
very far away; it was as though he
were hearing it in a dream. He felt
suddenly exhausted. His blood still
pounded in his temples, his hands
(Continued on Page 16)
page nine
No News
Is War News!
Even the Censors Wouldn't Recognize
These Dispatches . . . . But It Can
Happen Here-ONLY Here . . . .
CHURCHILL D O W N S, Ky.,
May 24.- The war in Europe had
its first serious repercussion here
today when it was announced that
next year's Kentucky Derby will
be run by army tanks instead of
horses.
"Horses just ain't in style no
more," a high Derby official ex-
plained. "Things is bein' motorized,
an' we're just rollin' along with the
crowd. Besides, we're bein' subsi-
dized by three European countries
and a gasoline company."
Jockeys will not be allowed to
use machine guns after the first
half-mile, it was announced further.
(That is, unless a subsidy is also
received from a gun manufacturer.)
The Sadly Stables are reportedly
grooming a nice - looking entry
named Boomelich. Murder, Inc.,
has revealed it will enter a fleet of
tanks under the collective name,
Men 0' War.
At press time it was learned un-
officially that the German govern-
ment will not participate in next
year's Derby unless Churchill
Downs changes its name.
B E R L I N, May 24. - Sources
close to Adolf Hitler disclosed to-
day that German troops have not
cut off any Belgian babies' hands
during the present campaign.
"Nein," the s. c. t. A. H. said,
"we got no use for babies' hands.
In this war we cut off the whole
arm. Then we can use it for the
nazi salute. Heil Hitler!"
NEW YORK CITY, May 24.-
Bitter complaints were heard here
today that some Eastern colleges
are planning to proselyte R. O. T. C.
page ten
cadets for the 1940-41 school year.
The complaints came from rep-
resentatives in the Tri-State Three-
Ball League, a conference of tax-
supported colleges and universities.
"Summa dese collitches is gettin'
material right outa military
schools," one official wailed. "It ain't
fair, dat's what; it ain't fair! Why
should our saber-rattlin' team finish
last in the conference just because
we can't afford to pay 'em nuttin'
but room an' board? I'm seein' my
Congressman, see?"
NEW YORK CITY, May 24.-
The Talon Company announced to-
day it has just sent 15,000 new zip-
pers to France, to be used on the
Maginot Line.
"This is undoubtedly the worst
case of gap-osis we've ever run
across," a company official declared.
LONDON, May 24. - British
cabinet members today hotly de-
nied charges that the English have
been drafting censors from institu-
tions for the feeble-minded.
"It's Nazi propaganda!" one
member exclaimed. "We did use one
fellow from an institution who was
just a teensy-weensy bit 'that way,'
but it was only because he was so
good with the scissors! Why almost
every one of our men is a grade
school graduate!"
"Besides," he added, "how can
you Americans b e 1e ve anything
that comes from Berlin? Most of
those people can't even speak Eng-
lish!"
NEW YORK, May 24. - "Hard-
Pants" McGillicudy, president of
the International Flagpole- Sitters'
Union, announced today his union
has suspended all activity for the
duration of the war.
"If them air-o-planes and para-
shooters start comin' over here,"
"Hard- Pants" explained to re-
porters, "what chance have we got
up there on flagpoles? Why, it'd be
moider! There ain't no air raid shel-
ters up there, an' there ain't no gas
masks. In fact, there ain't nothin'
but clouds, a coupla peanut butter
sandwiches and a copy of 'Gone
With the Wind.' And then, come a
blackout, how we gonna know which
way is down?"
BERLIN, May 24.- Chancellor
Adolf Hitler will soon sue the St.
Louis Post - Dispatch for libel, the
Ministry of Foreign Affairs And
Especially Libel said today.
"All the American papers have
libeled the Fuehrer," a spokesman
said, "but our policy is to attack
when the opponent is already busy
defending itself on other fronts.
That's why we picked the Post-Dis-
patch; one more suit ought to put
it under for good."
The German Leader, it was re-
liably reported, will be represented
in court by three personal attorneys
and a squadron of army tanks.
LONDON, May 24. - A deed be-
lieved unparalleled in its barbarity
even during the First World War
was perpetrated by German invad-
ers of Luxemburg recently. A group
of drunken Nazi soldiers poured
vodka down the throats of innocent
Luxemburg school girls (they had
wine themselves!), stuck lighted
fuses in their mouths and dropped
them from airplanes on three key
cities in Belgium. The cities, it was
reported, were demolished. No re-
port has been received from the
girls.
BUCHAREST, Rumania, Ma y
24. -The comparative peace and
quite of Rumania during the last
few weeks has given rise to rumors
that Hitler expects to invade this
country next. Authoritative sources
say the Nazi Fuehrer wants to take
a Bucharest-cure.
(Editor's note.-Where the hell
was the censor on that one?)
GENERALLY
ACCEPTED
SUPERSTITIONS
That if you think a
course is a waste of
time and tell the pro-
fessor in charge so,
you're liable to flunk
it.
That if you meet
a pretty blonde, you
are going to lose
some money.
That if you trip
over a black cat
crossing your path
and fall, you'll be
unlucky.
That if you break
a mirror, you'll be
broke before your
next allowance.
That if you don't
walk under a ladder,
you'll be broke be-
fore your next al-
lowance.
That if you spill
salt, you're liable to
have a fight with the
one who has to clean
it up.
That if you give your friend a
pocket knife as a gift, and he stabs
you in the back with it, it's liable to
break up your friendship, pretty darn
quickly.
"LITERATURE, DIGESTED"
"And now I suppose there's a penny bank inside that!"
With the current trend toward con-
densation in the field of literature,
"Who the hell threw that spitball?"
authors are finding it necessary to
stand over copy readers, gun in hand,
to prevent their exclamation points
from being cut to periods.
One notable case in point, was that
concerning Ernest Slammaway, the
short short story writer.
Mr. Slammaway recently submit-
ted to one of the national magazines
a manuscript which he considered to
he the ultimate in brevity.
The manuscript in its submitted
form read as follows:
"LOVE Is THE D- THING!"
By Ernest Slammaway
Boy meets girl.
Boy gets girl.
Girl gets alimoney.
"THE END"
However, this was not the form in
which Mr. Slammaway's opus appear-
ed in print. The editor graciously ex-
plained that the story was a trifle ver-
bose as to title and context and they
were certain that Mr. Slammaway
would have no objections to their re-
vising the manuscript slightly.
On receiving the author's permis-
sion, the magazine published the re-
vised version of Mr. Slammaway's
story, now re-titled:
"LOVE D- N THING!"
By Ernest Slammaway
Boy gets girl gets alimony.
"THE END"
In another instance, one of the bet-
ter authors submitted a manuscript
titled:
"ROMANCE ON THE EQUATOR"
When published, this title as di-
gested, appeared:
"Woo WHEW!"
"Just what is it you don't like about
our electric razor, sir?"
VOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
John Brown, home-town boy who
has appeared in several moving pic-
tures lately, is here on a short vacation
from his duties in cinemadom.
-News note.
"We understand you've been in
quite a few pictures, John."
"That's right. I've had quite a few
parts in some big pictures. I was in
the 'Checkerboard Mystery'."
"I saw that, but I didn't notice you."
"I was the shreik that came from
the haunted house. I had an even big-
ger part in the 'Prisoner of Chillon,'
though. I was the mysterious voice
that came from the hollow wall. It was
in 'Spanish Spy,' however, that I
made my first screen appearance."
"You did? What part did you
have?"
"I was the shadow on the ceiling
of the hacienda."
"You weren't by any chance in
'Murder at the Mansion' were you?"
"Oh, yes. I was old man Zooks, the guy that got
killed just before the picture began and whose son
avenged him. They locked me in a coffin just for realism."
"Interesting."
"One of the fattest parts I ever had was that of the Guilty
Conscience in 'Souls for Sale'. You know that place where Fred
is about to embezzle the bank and his conscience has a debate with
him. It was in 'Ghost to Ghost Nutwork' that I got my first comedy
part. I imitated the clanking of chains
and also acted the part of the second
sheet running through the cemetery
in that graveyard scene. And in 'Sub-
marine Disaster' I was the voice of
the radio announcer who announced
the news of the sinking to the lieuten-
ant who got sick and couldn't go on
the submarine's final disastrous trip."
"Say, you're getting to be a-big
noise, all right. Were you the voice
of the radio announcer in 'Calling
All Cars' too?"
"Yes."
"I thought the voice was familiar."
"I'm pretty well known for my
laughs, too. Whenever they need
somebody to laugh like a maniacal
murderer they put me on the sound
track and have the actor fake it."
"Well, you're doing all right, I'd
say. I expect we'll be hearing a great
deal more from you. I guess you've
got a pretty sound thing haven't you ?
Ha-ha. But why don't you speak for
yourself, John? Don't you have any
voice in the matter? Hey, John, quit
laughing like that, you give me the
creeps. John, don't - - help!
ON MEDICINE CHESTS
The census taker reveals his find-
ings on the only two types of medicine
cabinets in existance, the Eastern and
the Western.
The Eastern cabinet consists of:
2 flat tooth paste tubes
15 assorted tube caps
2 medicine bottles (empty)
19 rusty razor blades
1 adhesive tape spool (empty)
6 loose aspirin tablets (eroded)
1 set witch hazel, astringent, etc.
bottles (all empty)
The Western cabinet consists of:
1 hot water bottle (no stopper)
2 old toothbrushes
2 halves of shaving cream tube
(contents scraped out)
1 can cleaning fluid
1 spool dental floss (no floss)
7 assorted corn remedies
1 set witch hazel, astringent, etc.
bottles (all empty)
We should admit, however, that
this report is not actually complete,
for in 95 per cent of the homes, the
census takers were told to mind their
own business.
"I wouldn't think of leaving this place,
but I love to see them get all excited."
Chesterfield Cigarettes
"We understood this to be er- a- semi-formal."
"They say he grew it to confuse the League of Nations."
Hats Off...
Seventy-five college magazine editors
throughout the country voted these
cartoons as the outstanding among the
current crop appearing in college
magazines.
First Place
ROBERT ECKHARDT
Texas Ranger
*
Second Place
ROBERT THOMPSON
Pittsburgh University Panther
CAMPUS POLL SHOWS STUDENTS
THINK U. S. SAFE FROM INVASION
By STAN ROSE
"Let's Save the World for De-
mocracy" won't be a good slogan
to pull the United States into the
Second World War if the results of
a recent campus poll sponsored by
the United Student Peace Commit-
tee are any criterion. Of 192 stu-
dents and faculty members asked
whether they believed the present
war was being fought for any such
idealistic purpose, 160 answered
"NO", twenty-one, "YES", and
eleven were undecided.
As for helping the Allies in the
event they were losing this war,
thirty said "NO", one voted to help
Germany, and 161 would help
neither side.
That treatment of war news has
been preponderantly pro-Ally was
the belief of 157 persons, while four
thought it pro-German, and thirty
believed it impartial. Only seven-
teen of 194 considered the United
States in any grave danger of being
invaded, although 126 answered
"YES" to the query "Do you think
a U. S. war-time government would
be a dictatorship?" Forty-seven ex-
pressed the opinion it would con-
tinue as it is now, seventeen be-
lieved it would be more democratic.
As to where the money should
be spent: 158 believed that appro-
priations for social service (NYA,
CCC, WPA, housing, etc.) were
more important than expenditure
for armaments, while thirty-eight
held the opposing view.
One hundred and fifty-seven per-
A BIOLOGIC BLIGHT
Before I heard the doctors tell
The dangers of a kiss,
I had considered kissing you
The nearest thing to bliss.
But now I know Biology
And sit and sigh and moan,
Six million mad bacteria-
And I thought we were alone.
-The Urchin
sons answered that under no con-
ditions should the United States
fight; seventeen said it should go
to war to save democracy; nine, to
save investments; and six, to pro-
tect small nations.
Little fear was held by the ma-
jority of persons questioned that
an attack upon the Philippines or
the Dutch East Indies would be an
excuse for our involvement, 127
saying the United States should
fight for neither.
On the question of war loans,
credits, and foreign trade, the sta-
tistics showed that eight-three per-
sons would refuse war loans either
to Germany or the Allies, eighty
would refuse credit to either bellig-
erent; twenty-three would give war
loans to the Allies, with thirty-two
persons favoring giving them credit;
and nobody would help Germany
with war loans or credits.
Ninety-five persons expressed be-
lief that while the war lasted the
United States should trade with
neither Germany nor the Allies;
ninety-five would have this country
trade with both. But as for dis-
criminating between the two, thirty-
seven would help the Allies and
nobody would help Germany. On
the war in the Orient, sixty-seven
would help neither Japan or China,
sixty-two would have this country
trade exclusively with China, and
no one would aid Japan in the
event of a choice between the two.
ARTIST
"So your brother is a painter,
eh?"
"Yep."
"Paints houses, I presume?"
"Nope, paints men and women."
"Oh, I see. He's an artist."
"Nope, just paints women on
one door and men on the other."
-The Urchin
The
Co-op
From her "Peace House"
headquarters in New York
City, Mrs. J. Sergeant Cram
has begun a personal cam-
paign to carry the cause of
peace to college campuses
throughout the country.
Mrs. Cram has sponsored
the peace ideal for more than
fifteen years. Her "P eace
House" has an auditorium de-
voted to exhibits of peace post-
ers and to peace meetings of
all kinds.
Students interested in the
campaign are invited to write
Mrs. Cram at Fifth Avenue
and 110th Street, New York
City.
Blue eyes gaze at mine-exaltation
Soft hands clasped in mine-palpi-
tation
Fair hair brushing mine-expecta-
tion
Red lips close to mine-temptation
Footsteps-Damnation!
-The Log
page fiteen
HONOR SYSTEM
(Continued from Page 9)
trembled; and his knees felt strange-
ly weak.
Almost unnoticed in the excite-
ment, Barnes, who had been stand-
ing in the doorway, entered the
dining room, pushed his way
through the noisy groups of stu-
dents, and, reaching the head table,
sat down and began talking to
Crawford, the student president.
After a few minutes, the two rose
and quickly left the room.
When they re-entered shortly
afterwards, Crawford walked to the
head table and rapped for silence.
"Read," he said, "when Bagby ac-
cused you a few minutes ago, why
did you start that fight?"
"Because he lied."
"In what respect?"
"I caught him cheating in class
this morning. He knew I'd report
him, and he asked me to wait until
he could get away from school."
"Then you say it was Bagby, and
not you, who cheated?"
"That's right."
"And do you know of anyone
besides yourself who might have
seen this, who might be able to
back up your story?"
"No."
Crawford turned to Barnes. "Now
you tell them what you told me,"
he said.
Barnes rose and held his camera
over his head. "I believe you've all
seen this before," he said. "I've
been using it quite a bit lately to
get what we might call a cross-
section of student life for the year
book. Well, I've snapped students
lying in the gutter, students in the
library, students dating up at
Tucker -students, in short, in
every conceivable place, position,
and circumstance - but not yet had
I captured the expressions of real
suffering that marks an economics
major from his more fortunate
brethren.
"Determined to make my cross-
section complete, I entered Weber
Hall at about twenty minutes after
eight this morning, prowled around
the corridors for a while, and finally
located the side door of Stillman's
economics class. The light was good,
the expressions of intense spiritual
torment were there - and also
something I didn't reckon on."
Barnes paused for effect. "Fel-
lows, not ten feet from me was one
of the most flagrant violations of
the Honor System that has ever
come to my attention. I was spell-
bound. For fully three minutes I
stood there and watched Bagby
copy from Read's paper with all
the nonchalance and skill that could
come only with long practice."
"Did you get a picture of it?"
somebody shouted.
Barnes patted his camera and
smiled.
"Why didn't you report Bagby
then?"
"I intended to. But first I wanted
to see how he'd try to wiggle out.
And he almost did, by God."
"Does Bagby know all this?"
"Yes, we just talked to him. He's
leaving town as soon as he can get
his stuff packed."
Barnes saw Read suddenly rise
and leave the room. He whispered
something to Crawford and quickly
followed. Read was just hurrying
from the dormitory when Barnes
seized him by the arm. "What's
your hurry?"
Read turned, startled. "Oh," he
said, "it's you. Thanks for saving
my life tonight."
"That's all right. But take my
advice: Forget Bagb y. Forget
everything that happened. You're
liable to put me on a spot."
"I don't get it."
"Don't you think it a remarkable
coincidence that I should be in ex-
actly the right place at exactly the
right time?"
"You mean you weren't near Still-
man's class this morning?"
"Carl, I wasn't within a mile of
Weber Hall."
"But what about the pictures?"
"Just my imagination, I guess."
"But if you weren't there, how
did you know . .. ?"
"That it was Bagby who did the
cheating? Very simple. In the first
place, I knew definitely that you
didn't do it - you're too honest
and simple-minded. I also knew
that, since the students might take
your word in preference to Bagby's,
he wouldn't accuse you of cheating
simply because he didn't like you.
"This meant that Bagby was
somehow forced into the accusation.
When I learned that Bagby was so
busy with other things these past
few days that he couldn't have pos-
sibly spent more than a few min-
utes preparing for that examination,
I assumed simply for the sake of
argument that it was Bagby him-
self whom you had caught cheat-
ing."
"I asked myself what I'd do in
such a situation, and remembered
the first law of nature is self-preser-
vation; the best way to discredit a
man's word is to discredit the man
himself."
"But suppose Crawford wants to
see those pictures?" Read asked.
"What difference does it make?
Bagby's already confessed. And that
clears you. The best policy is to
forget about the pictures. Forget
about the whole business."
Read grinned. "Well, you're a
convincing liar. I'll say that."
Barnes nodded his head. "It's one
of the things I do best," he said.
"That is, of course, outside of my
photography."
Patient-"I'm all out of sorts;
the doctor said the only way to cure
my rheumatism is to stay away
from dampness."
Friend-"What's so tough about
that?"
Patient-"You don't know how
silly it makes me feel to sit in an
empty bathtub and go over my-
self with a vacuum cleaner."
-Lyre.
"Let's sleep in the gutter."
"Why?"
"Plenty of room with running
water." -The Log
The Jacqueline
Shop
ON THE HOUSE
"Make it two, Harry. On me.
What did you say your name
was?"
"Thomas."
"Glad to know you, Thomas.
Mine's Hummel."
"Glad to know you. What you
drinking?"
"Highballs. I swore off beer."
"I figured there wasn't any use
sitting over in the hotel room all
evening. So I came over here."
"Where you from?"
"New York."
"Like it here?"
"Too damn much smoke. If I
had to stay here another week I'd
get a gas mask."
"Two more, Harry. My friend's
from out of town."
"What did you call that bar-
tender?"
"Harry."
"He's got a nice personality.
Keeps everybody feeling good."
"He seems to be selling a lot of
drinks."
"He's a good man. Tell Harry
we think he's a good man."
"Harry, we think you're a good
man."
"He thinks we're drunk."
"He may not be far wrong at
that."
(Slight pause.)
"Thank God for the good old
U. S. A."
"Why?"
"Freedom! Intellectual free-
dom."
LOAN
"Hello, Brown! Are you using
your skates tonight?"
"I'm afraid I am."
"Splendid! Then you won't mind
lending me your tux."
-The Urchin
"What's the idea of all the crowd
down at the church?"
"There's a traveling salesman
down there confessing."
-The Log
"Where'd you pick that up?"
"I read it in a book."
"You know what they do with
books in Germany?"
"They read 'em."
"No, they burn 'em. They make
a big fire and then throw all the
books in the fire."
"Thank God for the good old
U. S. A.!"
"Two more, Harry."
"Them Nazis are devils. They
oughta all be shot."
"How about the Russians?"
"Those babies oughta be run
outta the country."
"Outta what country?"
"Outta Russia."
"Let 'em stay there and freeze.
Russia's full of snow."
"Two more, Harry. To warm us
up."
"To warm us up-and to keep
the snakes from biting us."
"What would you do-pardon
me-what would you do if you got
bit by a snake?"
"That depends. What kind of
snake?"
"One with rabies."
"I'd wring its neck."
"But you couldn't. A snake is
just one long neck-all neck! You'd
have to wring the whole snake."
"I'd tie it in a knot."
"Tie what in a knot?"
"The snake."
"What snake?"
"The one that bit me."
"Two more, Harry. My friend
just got bit by a snake."
CHEAPER
Said the Landlady: "It may cost
money to have the knives sharp-
ened, but it's cheaper than buying
tender meat.
-The Urchin
Housemother: "What do you
mean by bringing one of my girls
in at this hour?"
Gay Lad: "Have to be at class at
7:50."
-Old Maid
WHY, GIRLS!
A fraternity had sent their cur-
tains to the cleaners. It was the
second day that the house had stood
unveiled. One morning the follow-
ing note arrived from a sorority
house across the avenue:
"Dear Sirs: May we suggest that
you procure curtains. We do not
care for a course in anatomy."
The chap who left shaving to
read the note answered: "Dear
Girls: The course is optional."
-Urchin
Prof. (taking up quiz paper)-
Why the quotation marks on this
paper?
Student-Courtesy to man on
my left. -Medley
We wonder why the iceman smiles
so,
When his glance happens to meet
The sign: "Please drive slow,
The child in the street
May be yours you know."
-Pell-Mell
Blessed are the meek, for they
shall inherit the earth-less 26 per
cent for inheritance taxes.
-Pelican
ON THE WAX
(Continued from Page 7)
much superior that it seems im-
possible for a band to slip so far
in five years.
Ziggy Elman's trumpet is heard
plenty (and too much if you don't
particularly like it) in his record-
ing of SOMETHING TO RE-
MEMBER YOU BY, with I'M
THROUGH WITH LOVE on the
back.
An unusual tune is THE OC-
TAVE JUMP (Bluebird-10648) re-
corded by Bob Chester. It gets
slightly monotonous before it ends.
YOU LITTLE HEART-BREAK-
ER YOU on the other side is vo-
calized by Dolores O'Neill. A nice
pop tune with good tenor and trum-
pet passages.
Which closes another annual OFF
THE RECORD session with best
wishes for better jam and jive in
the future.
A master in raising bachelors' degrees
Honor Graduate!-19--?
PERHAPS the $5,000 spent on
building the foundation of his
career was a lot of money, but a good
education is certainly worth that and
more. Yes, we agree-but not when
the results of that education can be
utilized to develop destructive instru-
ments of war.
He may be the scientist destined to
find the cure for cancer. But the world
can't spare him for that. He is needed
to make poison gas. Through his suc-
cess, a million or more men may die
horribly if Europe's armies become
desperate.
Will we get into it? That's largely
up to you--you and all the other de-
cent people of America. You'll have
lo fight hard to preserve our peace.
You'll have to throw the weight of
aroused public opinion against the
handful who are blessing Europe's
war. So far, in the world's history,
this handful has had things entirely
its own way. And in the future ?? ?
What can you do about it?
World Peaceways is a non-profit
agency, the purpose of which is to
solidify the whole silly business of
war.
We feel that intelligent efforts can
and must be made against war and
towards a secure peace. If you think
so too, we invite you to write to
World Peaceways, 103 Park Avenue,
New York.
SHALL WE GO TO WAR?
(Continued from Page 4)
JOHN WHITE, R. O. T. C. ca-
det colonel:
The United States is in no im-
mediate danger of being drawn into
the present European conflict.
I am firmly in favor of the Presi-
dent's policies for our national de-
fense program. I believe our own
defense lies primarily in our own
preparedness.
We, however, are not likely to
be drawn into the present conflict
by direct influence of powers abroad
nearly as soon as we are by those
existing powers, within our own
boundaries, which constitute a mi-
nority that finds war profitable at
the expense of the majority.
WINNIE WISE, journalism sen-
ator:
The United States dashed gal-
lantly to the rescue of the Allies in
World War I and saved democracy,
or something. Ever since, the res-
cued countries have been in a mess
-economically, politically, and geo-
graphically. Obviously, England and
France are unable to take care of
tJemselves, and now they have.
stubbed their toes again. Why
should the United States play nurse-
maid --pick them up, wipe their
noses, and mend their trousers?
Let's mind our own business, and
let Europe take care of hers.
WALTER HEARTSILL, chair-
man of the American Student Un-
ion:
The question must be broken
down into this: What can the
American people do to stay out of
war?
Union now. Stubborn, clear head-
ed, demanding union now.
This is the answer of the Ameri-
can Student Union and of national
organizations representing twenty
millions of the American people.
All Americans who can but lose
their lives and the basic conditions
of democracy from following their
president into war must organize
into a solid adamant bloc of fighting
opposition to the president's war
aims and his concrete day-to-day
steps toward war.
Organized labor will buttress that
bloc. The farmer, the small busi-
nessman, the white collar worker,
American youth, the American
Negro people, and the nation's
teachers must organize themselves
into a bulwark as mighty.
Union now. Stubborn, clear head-
ed, demanding union now.
BOB TRULASKE, R .0. T. C.
cadet colonel:
I believe Germany has a better
chance of winning the war than
most of the experts will admit. I
believe this:
1. Because it's a dictatorship.
2. Because of the efficiency of
the Gestapo which subdues
adverse propaganda.
3. Because the German people
are courageous and intelligent.
I deride the American Student
Union for its attitude toward Amer-
ican neutrality because I don't be-
lieve the western hemisphere to be
safe from attack because of the
ever-increasing efficiency of the air-
plane. I believe the best defense is
a good offense and as a corollary
I'm definitely in favor of the Presi-
dent's proposal to enlarge the naval
and air arms of the country.
I'm an isolationist and am abso-
lutely against the repeal of the
Johnson Act.
R O N N I E BAUMGARTNER,
president of Pan-Hel Council:
The United States bought the last
war. She is not in the market for
this one. The shouting of "democ-
racy" in our ears was a deafening
selling point twenty years ago - in
view of the way it has worn for
Central Europe, it should not be
again.
Should every state in Central Eu-
rope become totalitarian, should
the Allied Powers in Europe lose
in the present conflict, still let the
United States hold on only to her
own heritage of freedom, not risk-
ing its loss by entangling in Euro-
pean squabbles. Let the United
States steadfastly resist the tide of
emotionalism, of sentiment, of way-
ing flags and blaring bands, and
stay out of this second European
slaughterhouse, though every head
in Europe be bowed before a dic-
tator's whims.
DWAYNE S M I T H, Engineers
Club president:
Isolation? Yes, as for going over-
seas to fight; No, should any for-
eign power attempt a physical en-
croachment upon the governments
and liberties of the western hemi-
sphere.
Of course, one might say we have
that encroachment now in the case
of Canada. However, Canada's gov-
ernment is complete and sufficient
within itself, and they declared war
on Germany on behalf of England,
being still under their sovereignty.
There is no physical encroachment
on Canada as yet.
HARRY BARGER, editor of the
College Farmer:
I favor the American policy of
furnishing war materials to the
Allies, in an effort to help them de-
feat Germany's war machine; but,
in case these supplies fail to "spice
up" the allied forces so that they
can defeat the "war dog of the day,"
I would favor the United States'
sending her own army in an effort
to defeat Germany, rather than have
to face the vast empire that she
would acquire as master of the
world.
Personally, however, I have a
tendency to agree with the person
who said that "If Germany takes
Paris, I'm fighting with Germany."
INEZ POTTER, Savitar queen:
Someone once said, "He who
fights and runs away, lives to fight
another day." But too frequently
armed forces find it too late to run.
Great bloodshed ensues, a few more
crosses are erected in Flander's
Field, a peace treaty is signed, and
it is declared "the war to end all
wars."
But we all know that the only
way to end all wars is refusal to
fight another! With every war a
decade of scientific progress is de-
molished, and we must start again
at our beginnings; and another gen-
eration is placed prematurely be-
neath the soil.
FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT
Little Mary Smith, while walk-
ing dutifully to church, which she
attended religiously every week,
saw a poor robin with one of its
wings broken, lying on the grass.
So she picked it up, like the good
little girl that she was, and took it
into her house and fixed the wing.
And when it became well and
strong again, she let it fly away into
the blue sky. Now, mugs, let's see
you try to make something dirty
of this one! ...
-Froth
POOR FELLOW
A freshman from the Amazon
Put nighties of his Grandmazon
The reason that
He was too fat
To get his own Pajamazon.
-Exchange
Men who dwell in primal fashion
Are ruled exclusively by passion;
While we of more progressive lands
Are regulated by our glands.
-Pointer
Judge: "So they caught you with
this bundle of silverware? Whom
did you burgle?"
Yegg: "Two fraternity houses,
your honor."
Judge: "Sergeant, call up the
downtown hotels and distribute this
stuff."
El Burro
She: "If you kiss me, I'll scream!"
He: "Not with all these people
around here!"
She: "Well, let's find a quieter
spot then."
-Old Maid
"What's de trouble, Gertie?"
"Ah, despaghetty's too stringy."
"Why doncher try it wid yer veil
-Analyst
r" . tV'welt.%*-t two
ACHIEVEMENT
Boss: "Late again!"
Clerk: "Well, my wife presented
me with a baby last night."
Boss: "She would have done a
lot beter with an alarm clock."
Clerk: "Come to think of it, that
would have been quite an achieve-
ment."
-Exchange
1st He-It's going to be tough
sledding tonight!
2nd He-How come?
1st He-No snow.
-Commerce
Father: "Who was that man I
saw you kissing last night?"
Daughter: "What time was it?"
-Old Maid
Toity poiple boids a-sittin' on a
coib,
A-choipin' and a-boipin' and a-eat-
in' doity woims.
Along came Boit and a squoit call-
ed Goit
Who woiked in a shoit factory in
Joisey.
When Boit and the squoit Goit
Saw the toity poiple boids a-sittin'
on the coib,
A-choipin' and a-boipin' and a-eat-
in' doity woims,
Boy, were they poitoibed!
-Petunia
"Pardon me, Mrs. Astor, but that
would never have happened if you
hadn't stepped between me and that
spittoon."
-Exchange
BENEDICT'S GARAGE
Congratulations!
GRADUATES of '40
DANIEL BOONE
HOTEL
BARBER SHOP
PARKER
FURNITURE CO.
DANIEL BOONE
HOTEL
CENTRAL OFFICE
EQUIPMENT CO.
Frankly, we're all sorry to see so
many of you leaving this June. It's
funny too, because we didn't think
a lot of you would be hanging about
here for as many years as you have.
It's been nice seeing you and we
thank you for your past patronage.
Remember in the years to come,
when you return to take another
gander at the columns, and you re-
mark on the passing of life, and how
few people recall that once you too
were an under-graduate here, and
did the same things that now these
new youngsters look on as original
. .. that we merchants of Columbia
will, if all goes right, still be here
to give you a welcoming handshake
and the pat-on-the-back to remind
you that though memory be sweet,
there are yet those around who
knew you way back when.
THE INGLENOOK
CAMPUS
BARBER SHOP
LaCROSSE LUMBER
COMPANY
CAMPUS DRUG
COLUMBIA SCHOOL
of
BEAUTY CULTURE
AL'S
SHOE HOSPITAL
THE DROP INN
One of those Helen Hokinson
club ladies was walking down Fifth
Avenue recently with a miniscule
Pekinese on a leash. A huge van
was pulled up to the curb and a
pair of hulking mechanics were
banging away at the engine, trying
to get the contraption started.
When the lady and the tiny dog
came alongside, one of the moving
men advanced toward them polite-
ly, lifting his hat.
"Lady, could we borrow your
dog for a minute?"
The lady was startled, "Why,
what are you going to do with the
dog?"
"Hitch 'im up to the truck to get
it started," said the mechanic.
The lady lost her breath. "How
idiotic! A little dog like that
couldn't pull that big truck."
"Oh, that's all right, lady," said
the driver with complete assurance,
"we got whips;"-Frosh/
Housewife (to garbage man)-
Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man-No, ma'am; jump
right in.
-Putt
Then there's the one about the
near-sighted snake that eloped with
a rope.
-Colgate Banter
The ideal time to have a date is
in the "oui" small hours.
-Lyre
The Missouri
SHOWME
J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather
PHIL DESSAUER, Editor
JOHN J. JACHYM, Business Manager
ADVISORY BOARD
Nate Silverman George Miller
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Houston Cox
ADVERTISING
Bill Roberts, Advertising Manager
Harry Lechtman John McCrae
Sylvia Schultz Kieth Eminger
CONTRIBUTORS
Florence Schwartz Leona Howe
Rosalie Sandoz Frances Tucker
Doyle Jay Hym Turner
John Conde Tommy Wolff
Barrie Young Murray Glanzer
ART STAFF
Walt Johnson Art McQuiddy
Bill Freehoff Charles Kufferman
PHOTOGRAPHERS
Steve Ritz Robert Holloway
Dixie Montgomery, Stephens College
George Sisler Hugh Crumpler
Ben Kocivar
CIRCULATION
Garland Pagett, Circulation Manager
Winifred Wise Eileen Reilly
PROMOTION
Joseph Stone Stan Rose
EXCHANGES
Nelson Church
SECRETARIAT
Peggy Phelps Marie Pfuhl
Marjorie Bryan Helen Matson
ASSISTANTS
Roy Moskop Jeanne Fontaine
Betty Anne Quiett George Arthur
Betty Lou English Frank Kulp
Norman Rolfe Jim Moseley
Johnel Fisher Bob Van Doren
Marian Linn Sheldon Sandler
Alfred Schultz Dave Wolk
Bob Balfour Herb Gross
Don Delaney Lee Crystal
Seymour Lutzky
GNU KIND OF STORY
Once upon a time there was a gnu named Hugh. And Hugh
was a blue gnu. And he was married to a gnu named Sue. And every
time Sue would call Hugh, she would coo-"Yoo Hoo, Hugh-you blue
gnu you. Yoo hoo, Hugh, yoo hoo." And Hugh would answer, "Yoo
hoo, Sue you cute gnu you, Yoo hoo, Sue, yoo hoo." And they called
each other often, did these two gnus-for they were happily married.
Every day Hugh would dash off to his daily work of getting his name
into crossword puzzles under the title "a three-lettered animal," and
when his day's work was done, he would dash home to Sue, and Sue
and Hugh would spend their evenings doing whatever blue gnus do.
There was only one thing that kept their marriage from being
perfect. They both longed for the patter of tiny feet-the happy
laughter of a little one. But year after year went by and still the only
thing they had running around their house was a fence.
They even considered adopting a little baby gnu, but neither of
them knew a gnu who wanted to be adopted; do you?
Gradually they began to quarrel-just a little bit, did Hugh and
Sue. Hugh would say, "Foo to you, Sue, you blue gnu you-foo to you,
Sue." And she would coo, "And poo to you, Hugh, you blue gnu you.
In fact, poo pa doo."
This sad state of affairs, I'm sorry to say, went on for some time,
and still there was no patter of tiny feet about the home; still no little
ones to brighten their later years.
But one day-ah, beautiful day-Hugh came sadly home from
work. He was in a nasty humor and was just spoiling for a fight. He
opened the door and stalked in, all ready to begin the quarrel.
But wait-there was something different about Sue today. The
frown was gone from her face. There was a happy, bashful look in her
eye, as she stood there in the doorway.
"Why, Sue," said Hugh-"Why, Sue. Is there something on
your mind?"
And Sue smiled a lovely smile and said, "Yes, Hugh, I have
gnus for you-" -Ski-U-Mah
Miller's
Superior Shoes
Lucky Strike
Cigarettes