The Showme January, 1921 The Showme January, 1921 2008 1921/01 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show192101

The Showme January, 1921; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1921

All blank pages have been eliminated.

The Showme Shuffle Number January 1921 "Thou Shalt Not." University of Missouri Vol. I. No. 4 Price 35 cents Peck Drug and News Company The Columbia Evening Missourian 2 THE SHOWME THE SHOWME February 1, 1921 The Showme is issued monthy by the Showme staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 311 Guitar Building, Columbia, Mo. Subscription price, $1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased from news-stands. Application for entry as second-class matter at the post office at Columbia, Mo. pending. IT'S YOUR MOVE "Ikey, haf you heard of Sammy Ryzchewski ?" "Oh, chess!" Prospective Buyer-Is this mule fast? Farmer Haystack-Not entirely-his hind legs are loose. -Tar Baby Frosh-Behold me in the flower of manhood. Soff-Yes, you blooming idiot.-Cornell Widow Polly-I hide my head in shame every time I see the family wash in the back yard. Dool-Oh, do they? -Lampoon Some old-fashioned folk are like chorus girls- they keep their fortunes in their stockings. -Tar Baby INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE Waitress-Has your order been taken? Student-No; not yet. Waitress-Then what do you want? Student-I'm afraid if I told you you'd slap my face. -Frivol AS MIGHT BE EXPECTED The Father-"How is it, sir, that I find you kissing my daughter? How is it, sir?" The Suitor-"Great! Great!" -Burr MY SWEETIE Her face is sweet and sweet her lips, And sweet her eyes of blue ; And I fetch her bonbons every night, For she has a sweet tooth, too. -Tar Baby Didn't you swallow some water when you swore? Nope. The dams kept it out. -Siren IN THE DORMS Soph: "Hey Frosh-telephone!" Sleepy Voice: "I aint 'specting no call." -Burr Inconse-Does she dance badly? Quential-Yes, if the chaperones aren't looking. -Pelican J. Guy McQuitty THE SHOWME THOUGHTLESSNESS I say, O Celeste, all my verses of late Please not to their old time degree. Perhaps I am bold, but you ought to be told That the blame lies with you not with me. I truly should think you'd encourage my Muse, I should think you'd not fume and not fret, And O, why did you change-a performance most strange, I liked you much better brunette. Chorus: I can never forget. It is all your own fault, you should never blame me If I sing not so fluent a song. It is none of m ycare if you're dark, dull, or fair, I always can carol along. But, Celeste, you should have more respect for the bard, Of whom, as I hope, you are fond; Just thoughtless I know, and yet it is so, There are far fewer rhymes for a blonde. Chorus: Give us rhymes for a blonde. -F. P. G STRATEGY How doth the gentle laundress Search out the weakest points, And always scrape the buttons off At the most strategic points. -Tar Baby ON SHIPBOARD She-Goodness! What is that horrible noise? He-Why, my dear, that was nothing but the dog-watch barking at a passing cat-boat. -Brown Jug ~ihat a splendid fit," said the tailor, as they irried the epileptic out of his shop. -Record SAFE, IF NOT SANE "He's wandering in his mind." "That's all right, he won't go far." -Virginia Reel Nip-I played poker all night last night. Tuck-How did you come out? Nip-Fine! I won eight prescriptions. -Pelican Politician to friend wife: P-: "Well, dearie, I was elected." W-: "Honestly !" P-: "Well, what difference does that make?" -Sun Dodger HARRIS' MILLARD & SISSON 4 THE SHOWME JANOUSEK COLUMBIA ART SHOP MAN THE ACTOR. Poor, stagestruck man, Man the actor- Always acting- Never himself- Trying to be Something he isn't. Under the stimulus Of two eyes Or two hundred It's all the same. Cowardly man Afraid to be Himself. Always acting- Strutting, preening His brief second Before his audience. Even when the stage Is dark and deserted And the last weary Spectator, tiring Of the sordid sight. Departs, man at home Before his mirror Plays for himself- The Language of Love He-Come on, let's slip into the vernacular. She-Think anybody will see us? -Purple Cow Many men have shuffled off this mortal coil by shuffling a cold deck. Some schools use the following grading system: E-Exquisite. S-Suspicious. M-Magnificent. I-Interesting. F-Fierce. HARRELL 'S THE SHOWME HEAR YE! ! In days of yore, the Pilgrim band that took possession of this land were vexed and sore as they could be at Merry England's levity. They did not crave the brimming bowl, or ale, or spice, or jelly roll, but chose the narrow path to walk and dodge the redskin's tomahawk. And be it known they looked askance at any form of song or dance. But since that time this little world, as round its orbit gay it whirled, has seen a minor change or two in what it's people say and do. Most any kind of modern dance would put John Alden in a trance and good Greek Gods would stand aloof to watch us throw the festive hoof. Terpsichore, modest girl, could find no place in this mad whirl for we are very far apart from Terpsi and her well known art as o'er the floor we bounce and dip, in shaking the hilarious hip. We shuffle, toddle, each in place, on'our allotted foot of space and do our best to imitate the famous "jelly on the plate." Ah, marvelous hallucination, that this be part of education! Such dancing, it has been decreed, this institution does not need, and those who choose to break this rule may have to find some other school where they can gaily bounce around and shake the lights and plaster down., 'Tis well that there are still a few who wonder what we're coming to and guide us when we grow too gay, in what we call our modern way. So dance along ,you Yappers free, and don't flunk your geology, and watch your step in math and trig, for those who play must also digi. Don't let these last words make you sore, but you musn't SHUFFLE ANY MORE. 6 THE SHOWME "LET'S SHUFFLE" "The chaperones can't see this far Let's brighten the corner where we are." THE SHOWME 7 THE FABLE OF HORACE HOTWAD In to a small College Community there came a Youth who yearned to be known as a Hot Number. Though young, he was an Accredited Member of one of the First Fifty Families and had often had the pleasure of seeing his papa's name in the Paper in connection with Things of Importance. At Home he was easily a Man About Town. He drove his Papa's car and smoked tobacco in his Own Room. Blushing Peaches who visited Homeburg were always His Meat. When the village Louts stood off and Wished He snapped 'em into the front seat of his Money Buggy and made for the Hills. While the Bumpkins bought Sundaes and Caramel Centers this Youth was dropping his card between Roses in a long, slim Box. The competition of the Lesser Lights just set him off to Advantage. Real competition appeared rarely and was Always met by a prohibitive Ante on the part of the Gilded Youth. Being a Man About Town in his own village carried with it Distinction and the privilege of Voicing Opinions where there are no Older People About. The M. A. T. soon learned that he had the Public fooled. Part of it was always Ready to stop to Listen to what he had to Say. Girls appreciated his Company. Arriving in the College Comunity the Youth found his Deeds unnoticed. His hair was Slick but not Slick- est. His first real Jolt came after a night's study of Shakespeare around the old Green Table in company with four Other venturesome spirits. The session began before Midnight and lasted until time for Eight O'clocks. It would have caused talk in Homeburg. Instead of Arising from the Circle and dashing out to Class the Hot Number chose to Warm the Mat- tress. Imagine his distress when his Waywardness went unmarked. The Youth made it a Point to whisper in everyone's ear whenever he had had a Drink and even Sat up three nights in a Row playing High, Low, Jack but, still, his reputation as a Go-getter failed to Hop from Main street in Homeburg onto the College Campus. He was both Pained and Annoyed to find that his availability as a topic of general Conversation was Zero. The satisfaction of catching his Own name amidst the buzz of Campus Scandal denied Him he re- newed his efforts to become a Slicker. Notoriety dodged Him so he adopted Extraordinary methods. Sixteen Markers worth of Citrous Liquor tallied a Knockout before he had even had time to appear before the Boys in the House and left a recurrent Hangover every time he inhaled the Witch Hazel after Shav- ing. He Tried hiring a taxi for every little Journey but soon gave that up Because so many others did the same thing. In attempting an Outlaw variation of the waltz which was barred by the College Purity League he slipped and Bumped his head instead of getting his name on the Black List. The Gilded Youth was up a Stump. He counseled with Himself and, remembering the ancient proverb, removed His own Horn from the Rack. Thereafter he paraded the Town telling of His Escapades. He was pretty Hard, he said. When it came to handling a three ring, Wine, Women and Dice Enterprise he was always Chief Ringmaster and crack- er of the Whip. It had been Years since anyone had Fooled him. Before long he had a few Converts. Stories of his winnings or losses were Whispered about. His capacity for Cactus Water was said to be large. The Youth convinced himself easily that these things were True and being convinced he convinced many Others. In time his hand-made Rep reached the faculty. The Benzine Board vised his Cuts and Flunks and de- cided to allow him to devote his Entire time to Raising Hell on the theory that a man should Follow his ex- pressed inclination and bent. The Youth's papa was a Self-made Article and, Having heard reports of his Fast Working son, cut off his allowance and got him a Job in The grocery Store. Moral: It pays to Advertise-Sometimes. 8 THE SHOWME Showme THE SHOWME, Room 311, Guitar Building Vol. I, No. 4 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year THE STAFF C. ARCH RODGERS, Managing Editor FRANK HOUSTON, Literary Editor GERALD F. PERRY, Art Editor BUSINESS DEPARTMENT TAYLOR HARNEY, Business Manager WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Circulation Manager OWEN ATKINSON, Advertising Manager ERNEST GARTH, Assistant Advertising Manager ASSOCIATES. ART ASSOCIATES. Edwin N. Jacquin BUSINESS ASSISTANTS. Ernestine Parks J. B. Berger J. B. Berger C. A. Poole Dozier Gardner Lyle Wilson Paul S. Limerick Lyle T. Johnston Nancy Moore William Kieffer I. Brown Ralph Fowler Florian P. Gass VENIEBANT, VIDEBANT, VICIEBANTUR! Call forth the ghost of Caesar, for the words of that famous general have been twisted. and distorted to meet the advance of a new civilization until Julius himself would hardly recognize them. History repeats it- self, indeed, but the actors in the great drama seem to sometimes trade parts for their reappearance. "Vini, vidi, vici," a phrase overworked by every ambitious orator since Caesar started the news jogging over the vias and acqueducts that he had added a choice bit to the Roman pork barrel, has been set to new music by the Uni- versity authorities. Veniebant, videbant, viciebantur, the new tune goes. Quite a number of students, although the exact number will probably never be made public, received copies of it, some by letter, others by telegraph, and a se- lect few by telephone. "They came, they saw, they were conquered!" They came for nothing in particular, they saw everything that they could, and they were conquered by the return of the faculty to the pre-war stan- dard of grading. It is generally understood that at least one hundred students were requested not to return to the University this term because of unsatisfactory work, and some rumors place the number as high as four hundred. At any rate, they have passed on, some raw recruits and some who had almost become land marks. And it may be ever thus! Those who entered school during the uncertainty of the war period and who have chosen to make of our institution a .winter resort, must convince the Dean's Office that they are here for a purpose or go by the board. Don't let the army of the conquered grow! THE SIO WME 9 THE WHY OF THE SHUFFLE NUMBER For your enlightenment, the SHOWME feels called upon to take time out to explain what it's all about. We mean the Shuffle Number. Probably some of our readers are not acquainted with the mysteries of shuffling. They realize, of course, that the Shuffle must be of great importance, some problem of per- haps international scope, or the SHOWME would never pause in its mission of improving the world to give it heed. And now, we give an entire number to the Shuffle; at least, the cover proclaims this the Shuffle Number. We trust that you will appreciate our deep sincerity in attacking this problem. The Shuffle is, first of all, a dance; we must grant this much for the sake of argument. Perhaps it is not a dance, but it has been so nicknamed. It would be hard to ascertain just what kind of a dance it is. Some have placed in the class of low high-brow, others, high low-brow. A neutral critic might describe it as a cross between a jumping jack and an intoxicated wind mill. Its gyrations are marvelous, its bound- ing bliss unbelievable. One who shuffles can change directions with all the speed of an ill-fated sail in a hurricane; he needs little floor space and just enough music to get the inclination started. Once started, the Shuffle is extremely hard to stop. But the powers that be have stopped it. It has been ruled out of our own and other leading edu- cational institutions of the middle west, although its cousin, the toddle, is still sanctioned in some circles. The Shuffle was the apex of a half crazed desire for jazz, jazz, more jazz, and it has passed on. Next year's freshmen won't even remember that it ever existed! Pan-Hellenic Group Welcoming that Freshman who came down to school this semester. 10 THE SHOWME SUITE SIXTEEN THE SHUFFLE (By Sachel Quinsey) The dance hall quivers in unrythmic waves As they dance a wild dance, new dance With a jump, jump, jump, And they rock along from side to side Like a five cent bus on a slippery ride, And they pound their heels against the floor. And the plastering falls from The walls below. The orchestra crashes like a Load of cans, Tincans, dish pans, tin can cans. And the close-cheeked dancers Move along and the hot breath Comes and the hot breath goes As they wiggle and twiggleon dust-stained toes. White backs, bare backs, red backs flash along, And shake and shimmy to the clanging gong. Fish eyed matrons along the wall Stare and stammer at the awful gall. Fuss and fume with icy stare At the shaking backs, bare, bare, bare. While the heedless youths Cheerily, merrily Shuffle, duffle Jump, hop and crow about .As the traps Rattle, clattle With sinful tune. And the piano jangles With a jangling jang. Slowly the dancers move along And the face paint melts with the Awful heat as beard-studded chin Rakes rouge stained cheek. And fat girls, slim girls Shake about. Comely girls, homely girls, Stout girls never cease in the rubbery Jumping of dimpled knees, To the saxophone's crime-filled wheeze. The dancers stay on their THE SHOWME 11 Foot of space with a Blank expression on A .heaven-turned face. While the matrons with awful frown stare At the earthquake scene with awful thoughts Of the morrow's woe, For the dancers then with mournful tread Shall march along in solemn dread With fear, fear, fear in each, vacant head. But on with the dance! Let the matrons stare! The music's great With its awful blare; The flower that's stolen Smells the best. And they dance, dance, dance the Forbidden dance While the orchestra crashes its Jazzy blare, And the matrons stare their Icy stare. 1. shuffle because It isn't considered nice. Because it's absurd. Because chaperons don't like it. Because it's forbidden. -and the chaperons are not watching me. I don't shuffle because It isn't considered nice. Because it's absurd. Because chaperons don't like it. Because it's forbidden. -and because the chaperons are watching me. SHAME ON YOU, OSCAR! Said a fellow named Oscar H. Titus: "The shuffle is danced to delight us." They asked him, by chance, Who invented the dance, And the answer he gave was': "St. Vitus." A LIMOUSINE She-Do you think my stockings will be well fill- ed at Christmas? He-Yes, or at any other time. -Gargoyle Interview With a Vampire. Rep: Hello, Miss Theda Arrow? Voice: No, this is Pierce, her father.. Just a moment and I'll call her. (Theda! Oh, Theda! Tell-uphone!) She's very busy rehearsing her lines in The Blue Dame. . Theda: Hello. Sorry, kid, but I've got some- thin' on tonight. Rep: I don't'want a date. I'm Miss Chat of the Daily Hoozis and I'd like to ask you several questions if you don't mind. Theda: Oh, I haven't any-er-I mean, that's all right. Shoot! Rep: Where were you born? Theda: Cairo, of course. Rep: Oh, Cairo, Illinois about sixty mi- Theda: No, No! Cairo, Egypt where the syrup comes from! Rep: Oh, yes-er-who gave you your start as a vampire? Theda: The Sphinx, but it was stone-cold to me. Rep: The jinx? Theda: No, sphinx-s-phee-inx, sphinx. Rep: Ah,yes. I hear that you're in the legit, now? Theda: Yes, I'm starring in the Blue Dame You've heard the song hit, of course-"I wonder Who's Vamping Him Now." Rep: Certainly. Have you any plans for the future, Theda? Theda: Yes. My school for vampires in Chicago opens soon. The course, will have the fol- lowing subjects: the vampire slide, the wicked eye, the mean hip, shoulder beckon, come-on-kid stare and I'll see you later. After a thorough drilling in this course all the student needs is a couple tiger skins and a lot of Chinese punk and she's ready for the fifth reel. Then we give her the degree of B. V. D. Rep: B. V. D? Theda: Baby Vampire Division. Voice: Come on Theda, hang up now. The landlord's here again for the rent and I want you to vamp him away. HE OUGHT TO KNOW Doctor: "Say Colonel, how does it feel to kill a man?" Colonel: "I don't know, doctor, how does. it?" -Burr 12 THE SHOWME "There wasn't much mistletoe sold this season." "No, that isn't necessary any more." He Won His Point. "I'll fade you," said the gam- bler, as he bleached his wife's dress. Isn't This Relishing? He: You remind me of a bottle of pure catsup. She: How do you figure? He: Cause there's no artific- ial coloring in your make-up. She: Now, I'll tell one. You remind me of a bottle of Dur- kee's. He: How come? She: 'Cause you're so fond of dressing. (Then they ordered fruit salad.) A Cheap Skate. Flooie: How's that for a pretty figure 8? Everybody's watching. Blooie: Oh, fair, but how's this for a figure 2? Flooie: You big elephant, you stumbled! Everybody's laughing! Blooie: Well, didn't I figure too ? There's a Difference! "Is May a good dancer?" "No, but she can shuffle." "Did Tom come back this se- mester ?" "No, he shuffled out, too." Why the Others Fled. The boy dealt out the burning deck, No wonder he stayed pat, He held four aces in his mitts And remained where he was at. Sisters. "Nicotine," shouted the re- former, "is just as poisonous as- as-as-" "Guillotine!" sang out the his- tory student. Long Distance Her rich, melodious voice Floats in merrily over the wire. Hearing, feeling Her presence But held back by an Imperfect invention. Only the telephone, Suddenly throbbing With joyous life, Gripped tightly in an Impotent embrace Confronts me. What can one do When between the Two "Hello's" is a Long distance. -H. P. C The poet wrote some verses Which he sent in to be typed. .'Twas the story of a fairy ship "Shimmering in the pale moon- light." But the typist was a dancing fool, She danced most every night. And so the finished copy read, "Shimmying in the pale moon- light." -P. S. L. What Next? First they took away our liquor And drinking put a stop to. And then they put a ban on Making home-made hop brew. Not content with this tom-fool- ery New fields they found to van- quish. Tho success has crowned their efforts, Yet their work don't seem to languish. On liquor now they've turned away To face a newer foe. And now they calmly turn and say, "Tobacco too must go." I can draw a mental picture, Of the days that are to come When good old twist tobacco Gives way to chewing gum! I can see the Turkish cigarette And the rich and burly kind Being mournfully supplanted By the crooked grape vine. In those days the law will make it Quite a serious offense To even carry matches In your go-to-meetin' pants. -P. S. L. True! Man She-Were you out after dark last night? He-No, white. -Pitt Panther "Pop, my teacher says Thack- ery was a man of letters." "Yes, son. It was quite an honor to be the postmaster in the olden days." THE SHOWME 13 OF SERENADES A serenade? In days gone by, When ladies lived in towers high, T'was popular. For then I trow No other means did lovers know To make hard hearted damsels sigh. But now, those methods don't apply. Indeed, t'were hard to stand below Your flat and yell ten flights or so A serenade. Ah no! I fear I can't comply. Aught else you ask of me, I'll try I'll tell you what I will do, though,- I'll take you to the picture show. There's painless romance there. So why A serenade? -F. P. G. 14 THE SHOWME SHADES OF SHAKESPEARE Scene: The castle. Macbeth and murderer. Macbeth: Dost pack a gat, minion? Murderer: Ay, that do I, my lord. 'Tis a six-shooter, and I pull A wicked trigger. Macbeth: Good! Go thou, And bump off Fleance and Banquo- Murderer: Not so hastily, my lord, For I demand five bucks for each, And an eight hour day, Or I strike. Macbeth: What, thou varlet? Well, 'tis grattted; Shoot well, Lest they escape. A gallon of home-brew Awaits thee in my cellar, When thy task is done. (Exit murderer). I could not choose a better time. The police strike; And the electrician at Sing-Sing, Demandeth more coin for each man condemn'd To die in the chair; I am safe. Ye banquet scene, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. Macbeth: Ho, cooks! Ha, varlets! What hast thou for my starving belly? Truly I crave a boiled ham! Lady Macbeth: Be not angered, my lord, The cooks have struck! And Norah has left the castle, Lured by the wages offered, By the thane of Fife; I am alone and helpless. Macbeth: Thou'rt mad to say it! But natheless, hie thee to the kitchen, I'll have a boiled ham, Or know the reason why. Lady Macbeth: Oh, lord, Our pantry is empty, The butchers' union have ordered a strike, And the stockyards are idle. We must dine out-but no! The cooks' and waiters' union, Have struck; and also The dishwashers' association. Macbeth: The curse of death on the unions! Foul, misguided knaves who interrupt my plans, And block my path of success! I have murders yet to be committed, But my men have struck, All save one. Woe is me! Enter ghost. What ho! Is this Saturday? Lady Macbeth: No, my lord. Why askest thou ? Macbeth: Truly, the ghost walks! Lady Macbeth: Thou hast been drinking wood alcohol, And art off thy trolley. Prohibition Will prove thy downfall, Thou drinkest 100 per cent stuff; and hast bats in thy belfrey. Ghost: I wander here Macbeth, For I have no place to go. The gravediggers have struck. Furthermore,'I am a union ghost, And -were this Saturday, You would not find me here, For on that day, I work but till noon. The clock strikes 12. THE END NATURALS! THE SHOWME Debuts. Modern society With its cultured refinements Has substituted for the Barbaric savagery Of the auction block In the slave market The triumph of civilization The modern marriage mart- Debuts. Long receiving lines - Gleaming white Feminine shoulders- Masculine Black and "white- Violin strains- Highly polished Hardwood floors- Jazz music- Dancing couples- All stepping stones To the altar Of marriage Where the purchase Made at the Marriage mart By the highest bidder Is finally transacted- I turn sickened. "Do you like Columbia?" "I never speak evil of the dead." "Good heavens! What is that man trying to do to that piano?" "He's running the scales." "Well, if he isn't careful he'll soon have 'em run down." "4.98" ."I see Bink's wife made him take that excursion boat trip down the river." "Ye-ah, she's always hunting bargain sales." If the style in haircuts con- tinues to follow its present trend, the parlor bolshevik and the ec- centric artist will have to cut their locks to be noticed. The Blind Can't See. "I won't take a 'blind' date." "Ya won't? Well, ya'd better wear a mask yourself, then." DOES HISTORY EPEAT ITSELF? 18 THE SHOWME The Original Greasy Spoon. How Vain a World "Her neck," said Bill, "is the driven snow, Her cheek is as damask fine, Her eyes are soft with a hidden glow, Her face has a classic line." "Come off," said Joe, "that ancient stuff! Can she bake good bread? Are her biscuits tough?" "Her hair curls up in the prettiest way, Her voice is as clear as a bell. Her smile," said Bill, "her smile, I say, Is a difficult thing to tell." "Yeah, but then has she sense?" quoth Joe, "Does she know how to talk? And can she sew?" "Her charms," said Bill, "are too good for you, Or me. Tis the truth I speak. A wonderful girl! An heiress, too, She comes of age next week." "Izzata fact! A girl I know?" O say, uh,-where does she live ?" said Joe. As It Was in the Beginning, Is Now and-. My neighbor's kids game into play While I was gone up town. When I returned in half an hour, I found things .nwod edispu They got into my wardrobe trunk One day when I was otut. When I returned, I found my clothes Were all turned .tuo edis gnorw With gasoline they tried their hand, I heard an awful rumble. I hurried out;into the kitchen And found it in a jumble. My own three boys were innocent. The dears, how I do love 'em! I feel quite sure in breeding, My lads are far above 'em. The shades of night were falling fast,- One hit our hero in the side. "But that's all right,-I'm padded with Excelsior!" he cried. THE SHOWME 19 Something Snappy! 20 THE SHOWME Well Done. "What a wonderful execution," cried the au. dience, as the warden closed the circuit. -J ack-o-lantern Mother dear-"Do your new shoes hurt?" Brother dear-"No, but my feet do." -Virginia Reel Biting "My," exclaimed Mr. Klumsay at the Sopho- more Cotillion, "this floor's awfully slippery. It's hard to keep on your feet." "Oh," replied the fair partner, sarcastically, "then you were really trying to keep on my feet? I thought it was purely accidental." -Bur:r Here! Here! "A man on third, two down," he said, "We'll have to work the squeeze." "But, Billy dear don't do it here-- It's much too public-please." -Tiger Fire When Ready Visitor going through powder works-"How often do you kill a man here ?" Guide-"Just once." -Panther He-"Why do you call me 'Albatross'?" She-Because you hang around my neck." -Juggler "Is this a second-hand store?" "Yessum." "I want one for my watch." -Virginia Reel At the Home-coming '89-(Looking over the improved conditions) "What does it cost the boys here now-?" '23-(Yawning)-"Twenty dollars a quart." -Juggler. She Doesn't Know Her Eggs MOONLIGHT MELODIES Prudence, you know, was a Quakeress Fair, She was loved by one Golightly Proud. And they'd sit 'neith the moon in the soft nights As long as the Quakers allowed. And they dreamed at the clouds as they floated away, While the stars peeped out, half fearing to stay, And that rest settled down of a well-labored day, And the fireflies flickered around. "My flower," said he, "wilt thou be mine?" "A flower should wilt, so of course I'll be thine." "Thou art-" said he, "It's .an art," said she. And the fireflies flickered around. -F. P. G. THE SHUFFLE The shuffle is no uncommon thing. It is a custom made venerable by centuries and centuries of use by all types and classes of people. The first record of the shuffle comes from that well-known young noble, Hamlet, the prince of Denmark. That gentleman on several occasions, according to his faithful chronicler, William Shake- speare, contemplated "shuffling off this mortal coil." Early in the history of this freedom loving country when Africans were first being brought over to be driven as slaves, the shuffle was also in- troduced. So popular was it with the Ethiopians that they adopted it in their everyday life, and their very walk came to be known as "the shuffle." And today, the tight-laced matrons who frown most upon our naive little dance are the persons who shuffle most. There is hardly a one of them who has not her bridge club, and who does not spend at least two afternoons and many more ev- enings each week in shuffling the cards. It is all, apparently, in one's point of view. THE SHOWME 21 Said a sweet young Miss from Mizzou "Oh dear! I'm feeling so blue Because I have nothing to wear." "Never mind," said her sister That questions no twister The way styles are now You should care!!" Imagine the scene: A big, comfortable chair, a beautiful girl snuggled down in it, her head leaned back so that she is looking up into the face of the man who is bending attentively over her. Now he reaches his arm around her. Her head is pressed against his heart. Speech at this time would be impossible. Listen. We hear her struggled whisper: "Oh, dear, you hurt." In a low, earnest voice he says: "Well, I simply cannot help hurting you a little bit. You don't mind that, do you?" Again we hear only silence. They seem perfect- ly contented. It is not long, however, that they remain in this position. He does not seem con- tent with what he sees in her face. Her eyes are a violet gray. He bends farther over so that he can see into-well-see into her mouth. Because, of course, it is the dentist repairing her teeth. -Whiz Bang 22 THE SHOWME "The movies are just in their infancy." "Well, they seem to have found their legs." -Jack-o-Lantern "Flying requires some specia application, doesn't it?" "No, any old kind of linament will do." Tall-George seems to have re- covered from the jilting his old girl game him. Short-Yes, he's been revamp- ed. -Pitt Panther Maybe That's the Reason Why is it a rich man always has the Twin-Six and a poor man the six twins? -Siren A Toss-up "My heart is with the ocean!" cried the poet rapturously. "You've gone me one better,'' said his sea-sick friend, as he took a firm grip on the rail. -Tiger When authors run out of any words to use in place of "walk" they make their characters shuf- fle off. We've run out of dances, let's shuffle, too. The Landing of the Pilgrim's Children (In Montreal) Oh the heavy night hung dark On the hills both near and far. When a band of exiles disem- barked On -a wild Canadian bar. There were men with hoary hair Amidst that pilgrim-band- Why had they come to wither there Away from their childhood's land? What sought they thus afar? Bright jewels of the mine? The wealth of seas, the spoils of war? -They sought a wetter shrine Aye, call it holy ground, . The soil to which they hailed! They gave their all, they search- ed, they found Freedom to drink unjailed! -Jack-o-Lantern Correct Weight-One Cent Harry-My you did get fa' this summer. Harriet-I weigh exactly 12. stripped. Harry-You can't tell exactly these drug store scales are liable to be wrong. -Gargoyle "We girls have to be so care- ful these days." "How's that?" "If a fellow tries to tell us a risque joke and we stop him too soon, he knows we've heard it before." -Jack-o-Lantern "That's the guy I'm laying for," muttered the Hen as the Farmer crossed the yard. -Puppet "Quit your gassin'," admon- ishes the chem. prof. to the talka- tive stude. ENNUI I am getting tire of hanging. Around soda fountains. Listening to slick-haired. Youths tell about their. Capacity for likker. They talk about. Johnnie Walker and. Virginia Dare as though. They had been their. Bosom friends for years. And I'll venture to say. That they never met any. Of the aforementioned. People. And the only bottles that They ever saw were. Nursing bottles. And that not so long. Ago either. They speak of Cuba. With a blase air. Blase being French for hot. And what they would do. If they were there. When in all probability. They would only swear. Because the cokes. Weren't up to standard. The sight of a whiskey bottle. Would give 'em a. Headache. They make me tired! No Waste Here Mother (viewing daughter's new dress)-It's all right, but the waist doesn't match the skirt very well in back. Daughter-That isn't the waist mother; that's me. -Drexerd Jokes on Father Young Lady (turning pages of album)-And this is my father. Caller-You certainly resem- ble him. Young Lady-That's funny' he's my stepfather. -Dirge THE SHOWME 23 In The Tiger Camp TIGERS LEAD VALLEY RACE. "I wonder what kind of a basketball team Mis- souri will turn out this season with such a youthful man at the helm," was the remark of one alumnus when here for the Thanksgiving game. "It will be ,remarkable," he continued, "if the players will rally around one as counselor and coach, who was but a private in the ranks less than a year ago." "Yes," we would answer that grad today, "it is remarkable." The remarkable part is the young coach himself. J. Craig Ruby, acting director, of the Tigers, with the title of assistant coach has already proved to the student body of the University that he possesses un- usual capabilities. The basketball quintet resembling -only slightly the one which won the Conference cham- pionship under Doctor Meanwell last season is pros- pering far better than the most optimistic would have conceded last fall. The appointment of a young man to the task of leading a Varsity, without a bit of coaching experience was scouted at with doubt by many. Yet if there is a dubious one today he has not made himself heard. Craig Ruby has made good. His proteges are his best testimony bearers, with the student body sincere believers. "Basketball isn't a national pastime like football and baseball, and the chances are that it never will be. An indoor game can never rival the outdoor sports from the standpoint of the spectators. Yet in basketball there is probably more real science in the true meaning of the word than in either of the two sports. There are many who will dispute this con- tention and for the benefit of those, if we had the space, we would be glad to air our views on the sub- ject. In the East basketball doesn't thrive as it does here. In some large institutions it is even considered as a minor sport. The classification that indoor sports are minor seems to be all inclusive there. Basketball in the East lacks the technique and drive that is spent on it elsewhere and hence the game has not been de- veloped to the greatest extent. The people have not been properly educated in the sport. In the middle west, particularly the Big Ten the people have been educated to it. But in our estimation basketball in the Western Conference lacks the finesse of the va- riety played in. the Missouri Valley. Thereareteams in one or two schools which are decided exceptions namely Wisconsin and Illinois where a regime, such as has been in charge here at Missouri, has held sway. But for the most part, the rough and tumble style of basketball is catered to. The little man hasn't much chance of making a Big Ten team, what they want is brawn to stand the gaff and punishment which is usually inflicted in a Big Ten game. The score of a recent Big Ten game was 13-12, Chicago winning over the Badgers. The game was not a scientific exhibition, but just an old fashioned brawl. Such games are typical in the Western Conference. Missouri Valley and particularly University of Missouri fansg do not care for this sort of basketball. They like the fascinating, fast team play, and accurate basket shooting such as the Tigers have displayed for many seasons. Much praise has been given Dr. W. E. Meanwell for giving the Missouri people, that which they wanted, fast basketball. We honestly be- lieve that basketball as played in Columbia, is the most attractive variety of the indoor sport. The coaching regime of Craig Ruby and Dir- ector Clevenger as senior advisor of the five, has continued this pleasing style of play and with great success. As the SHOWME is being locked for the press the Tigers have won eight games without halt trying. The conclusion that many will draw is that the Tigers are off on another flight to a title. We hope it is true. Yet other fives in the Valley are to come in for serious consideration in the division of the spoils. It is a scource of deep chagriri to many schools in this section of the country that Missouri cannot be de- throned from her high position in the basketball race each year. For a considerable period of years the representatives of -the Showme institution have won many championships, and second and third positions, seldom being any lower. This year with Scott and Ruby being lost to the Missourians, it was thought by the majority of the coaches about the Valley that the Tigers would be in a bad way. 24 THE SHOWME Yet from their showing to date the Bengals are hot on the trail of another championship belt. Ames trailed into Missouri, bringing reports of the. great- est team in history. Granting that such announce- ments were decidedly off color, the Cyclones made as pitable a showing against the local representatives as ever did a team from the Iowa Agricultural Col- lege. For two successive evenings the Missouri five passed the ball and shot baskets at will around their opponents. This despite the fact that Captain "Pidge" Browning and his brother "Bun" almost certain of regular berths on the Tiger five were on the sidelines, crippled. Bond and Knight, injected into the lineup at the eleventh hour, played like veterans. It is true that on the first evening the team play was ragged in spots, but with two last minute shifts what else could be expected. Williams was in the same form that won him an all-conference berth by a unanimous vote in 1920, while Wackher, Coffey and Bunker defend- ed, in spectacular style. Washington University had visions of a possible victory over the Tigers but all was disspelled when after 8 minutes of play in the first game the Tigers had twelve points and their opponents none. The final score of 46-11 in that first encounter must have been most humiliating. The result of the second en- counter was even more so, the Tigers winning by a 40-11 count. Two more decisive whippings in as many days have never been administered to these an- cient rivals. The Kansas State Agricultural quintet must be figured in the final accounting. In early season games they have been almost as successful as the Tigers, winning over Oklahoma in easy fashion. Missouri is a long ways from a Championship, but she has a team we can well afford to be proud of, whatever the final standing in the race may be. LOST The Home Sweet Home Waltz entered the dance hall. He glided lightly across the floor to the orchestra. It was indeed time that the dance was over. He glided up to the orchestra leader. For a moment it seemed that he would make him- self heard. Then a blare of jazz drowned him out and he took to the anteroom in despair. Three times he made the trip only to meet with the same fate. Finally he took the elevator and made his way to the street. And as he passed out the door- boy heard him mutter, "Lost in the Shuffle." SWEET ESSENCE OF PRUNE JUICE He had known her for years. He had seen a good deal of her-in more ways than one. He had sat across the parlor from her; she had, of course, crossed her legs; he had seen her trim ankles, her. ...... He had seen her at the seashore, wearing her tantalizing, silky bathing suit, with its short dress, with its cute little slippers, with its............ He had seen her at full dress affairs, and con- sidering these dresses as they are, he had, of course, seen............ But it was not until a long, long while that he approximated the ultimatum. It was just a par- lor date-one of many-which did not give promise of being any different from all the others. But one thing will lead to another! Finally, by a little slip of the arm, by a little jerk of the head, a little this, and a little that some hairpins came out; her hair hung a little loosely at the sides; and essence of compromise!-he saw her ears! -Exchange NOT MUCH TO IT "Here's a snapshot of my girl at the beach." "Snapshot! Boy, I'd call that an exposure!" -Frivol Polite Spanish Gentleman-Is there a Signor Jenkins here? Student-Hell no, Jenkins is only a soph. -Dirge ALWAYS THE CASE Mrs. Kew Reosity-There's the most interesting part of the paper. Mr. Kew Reosity-What's that? Mrs. Kew Reosity-I dunno. It's torn out. -Tar Baby FOUL Cleryman-Er-how's the chicken tonight? Ten- der and soft? Waitress-Oh, pretty good, kiddo, how'r you? -Tar Baby THE SHOWME A FALL APPLE In a hammock in the orchard, Swung I with my darling Grace; There was danger of her falling,. So I held her round the waist. Just above a rosy apple Hung quite fast upon the tree: "See that apple, dearest Augus?" "Get it then," said Grace to me. So I swung the hammock higher, Reached-Ah, it's another case- For just then I lost my balance, And like Adam fell from Grace. -Tar Baby Kissing a woman with a pug nose is like trying to peek through a keyhole overshadowed by a Ro- man doorknob. -Pelican Mother-"I think it's wonderful to have a limou- sine lighted inside like that one of George's." Innocent daughter-"That's funny, I never saw any lights." -Widow Nowadays when a man reaches for his hip-pock- et, you don't know whether it's a threat or a prom- ise.-N. G. '20. -Pelican "My dear, I'm so sorry I couldn't see' you when you called, but I was just having my hair washed.'' "Yes, and the launderies are so slow about re- turning things too." -Octopus Clergyman (who has sat down next to slightly intoxicated man): "Do you allow a drunk on this car?" Conductor (low voice): "It's all right so long as you don't get noisy." -The Gargoyle ARGUMENT WELL TAKEN "Wonder why you can't argue with a woman?" "You can, but it won't do any good." GLOOM! "Raining Pitchforks" is bad enough, but when it comes to "Hailing Street Cars," it's pretty rough weather. -Virginia Reel ONE ON COLLIER Geology Prof-Please give us the name of the largest diamond. Stude (the morning after the night before)-the ace, doctor. -Tar Baby WHAT FUN! Judge-"I sentence you to be hanged." Optomistic Prisoner-"I love to be kept in sus- pense; it's so exciting." -Widow DANGEROUSLY ILL Prof: "Is Jones ill?" Frosh: "Yes sir." Prof: "How do you know?" Frosh: "Last night I heard someone tell him to lean over and take his medicine." -Banter Paulin has a weak back. How come? She can't bare much-more! -Wampus Juggs-Don't you think Jones a fool for commit- ting suicide? Muggs-Yes, it's about the last thing I'd ever do. -Brown Jug Teacher-Do you like fairy stories, Abie? Abie-Gnome! -Tar Baby 26 THE SHOWME Kutie-Poor Agnes slipped on her veranda last night. Brutie-Well, well, did it fit her? -Chaparral New Co-ed-Do they wear those horribly short tracks pants right out in the open? Old Timer-Nope; they usually wear them out in the seat. -Chaparral HARD Prof: "Do you know the five methods of choos- ing the atomic from the combining weights?" Frosh: "I know four." Prof: "Which one don't you know?" -Burr A SUGGESTION The Woman-"I believe I've danced with you before, haven't I?" The Victim-"I dunno; if you have why don't you do it now?" -Chaparral ROLLED HIS OWN Sparks: "When I was through the Cascades recently, I came to an unsurmountable cliff eight hundred feet high and found no way to go around it." Dark: "How did you get over it?" Spark: "Rolled up in my blankets." -Siren Sea Captian (to one of many leaning over ship rail): Weak stomach, my lad? Boy (nervously) : Why, aint I puttin' it as far as the rest of 'em? -Octopus IT MATCHES SO WELL "I see you're wearing Jack's pin!" "No. Oh! I am, ain't I? I'd forgotten I had put on my blue dress this morning." -Siren THIS ONE IS RIS-K Tee-Don't you think that girl over there dresses beautifully ? Hee-Can't say; there's a tree between our houses. -Chaparral SQUASHED He-My brother is exactly the opposite of me. I don't suppose you've met him, have you? She-No, but I should like to. -Record When the frost is on the pumpkin And the fadder's in the shock, Then dad redeems his overcoat And puts the Ford in hock. -Octopus REMAINDERS Reporter (breathless)-Heard your cashier's gone off and left you?" Bank President-"That's about all." -Jester Puppy love is the beginning of a dog's life. -Frivol ENCOURAGED "Do you think you could learn to love me, Chris- topher ?" "Well, I passed Calculus." -Jack-o-Lantern Virginia had a little quart Of cider, hard as steel. And everywhere she went, t'was sport To watch Virginia reel! -Gargoyle THOSE MEMORY WIZARDS "I know all the telephone numbers in town." "How extraordinary." "* * * Only I don't know who they belong to." -Jack-o-Lantern Any Co-ed-"Something in my heart tells me that you are going to ask me to your next dance." Stude-"My dear girl, you must have heart trouble." -Froth "This hotel is like home, in a way." "How do you figure that?" "There's no place like it." -Siren Spur Cigarettes 28 THE SHOWME LOVE'S LABOUR LOST. Once there came to old Missouri From the smoky river city, From the town of German people, Came a masterful young artist Here, to study at Missouri. And the young man was a cubist, And drew rare and marvellous pictures In the manner of the cubists. From the mighty Kansas City, From the town of handsome women, Came a beauteous young damsel Here, to frivol at Missouri. And the two met much and often; Came to love each other deeply, (And became engaged, t'twas murmured.) Then she said to him one evening, Said in soft and cooing accents, Smoothing his lapel so softly, "Clarence, dearest, you must sketch me; You must draw your Betty's picture, Henninger's THE PENNANT That she won't be angry with you." And he promised, blindly promised, Without pausing to consider. On the next day, which was Sunday, He began upon her portrait, Using rich and delicate colours, Radiant and harmonious colours. And his touch was passing skillful; Soon, beneath his strokes of genius Grew a marvelous conception- On entrancing work of beauty, Done with care and skill and feeling In the manner of the cubists. Now, his sweetheart was bewitching, Beautiful, sylph-like, and slender. Was, in fact, so slim and slender That she much disliked her thinness. She had just enough of angles In her face to make her touchy. And she thought that was a weak point Which all others thought a beauty. With his labor of love completed, He, unfastening his creation, Stepped to offer her his tribute To her piquant, angular beauty, Done with skill and done with feeling - In the manner of the cubists. After that their friends all wondered Why they seemed so cool and distant; Never spoke to one another, Nor were seen again together. "Ah, it is some lover's quarrel," Whispered someone very sagel. "Yes, indeed, a lover's quarrel," Murmured all their friends together. THE SHOWME 29 The Cynic Says: Never tell a co-ed you love her. She might believe it. A straw may point the way the wind blows, but who watches straws on a windy day? Some people say the Shuffle belongs in - , and sometimes when we try to do it with a girl who doesn't know how we are inclined to believe they're right. P. S.-Our office stenog. agrees with us. Tan Gloves-I hear Evelyn has turned Jack down and the poor boy has thrown up everything and gone to Cuba. Black Velour-Yes. Another case of a woman driving a man to drink. -Frivol "Strike while the iron is hot," advised the labor agitator to the laundry employees. "Complications Cause Death," says headline. Therefore avoid getting complicated. "Ike Newton had the dope when he went to college." "Howsat?" "They say he used to put quicksand in the prof's hour-glass so's to shorten that hour." -Brown Jug "I'll raise you two," said the wealthy lady to the orphans. -Record "Why did they put Bob out of the game?" "For holding." "Oh, isn't that just like Bob?" -Virginia Reel Teacherette-Why didn't you send up a man to mend our electric bell? Electrician-He did go, madame, but as he rang twice and got no answer, he concluded that there was no one at home. -Lehigh Burr That girl is so thin she can go through a flute without hitting a note. -Purple Cow PARKER'S 30 THE SHOWME Convalescent (to a grateful friend): Thanks very much for the brandy peaches. Although the doctor wouldn't let me eat the peaches, I enjoyed very much the spirit in which they were sent. -Record "I see old Jones was arrested for destroying liquor." "What was the charge?" "Criminally insane." Record Rooster-My ambition is to become like yon weather cock. Duck-That's a vain thing to,a spire. -Gargoyle Dorn-Cloney Laundry "DEBASING IGNORANCE" A story of life, love and laughter. A cross section of student life as it would be written by F. G. Wodehouse, the English play- wright. (Introducing "Spike as mentor and U. Tellum Buddy as the novice.) U. T. B.-Pip, pip, and likewise a couple of squeaks, old harem organizer, why do I find you now without the twist of the narcotic producing plantlife between your lips-eh, wot, as it were? Spike-'Ullo, 'Ullo, 'Ullo, and a couple more 'Ullos, fair one and why the inquisitiveness-to tell you the truth I've given up smoking as I consider the habit quite too effeminate. U. T. B.-Oh yes, jolly well so, eh wot, yes, yes by all means. The mater was saying to me the morning just past that she believed vile che- roots were responsible for my not getting ahead. But, I say, old muffin, what acts as a substitute when the worries of we men get too strong for our frail will-power to grapple with them. Spike-Why, haven't you found out yet the secret of gloom-killing-the spot that takes away all worries as to how to start or end a date-that settles once and for all the proper manner of at- tendance upon the theatre or the basketball game? Your ignorance is truly debasing. U. T. B.-Wot ho, why not impart the inform- ation? Spike-Sh, sh, sh, as they say in the lullaby songs. It's only three words. U. T. B.-Yes, yes,-go on-and they are Chorus by entire company-"Just Say Palms, U. Tellum Buddy." (adv.) "Bob, dear, I had a wonderful dream last night." "What did you dream?" "I dreamt that you gave me a beautiful string of pearls." "Well, dear, dream to-night that you lost them." -Brown Jug "Jim was quite put out over his girl's dress at he Prom !" "So was she, and she had to stay out." -Record THE SHOWME 31 THE WAR GAME One-They aren't shooting pool in Ireland any more. Two-How so? One-Too much English on the balls. -Widow A glass of Bevo underneath the bough, Some ginger ale, a lemon lime-and Thou, Beside me sipping English breakfast tea- A great old party we will have, I vow ! -Gargoyle Grad--Where can I put this suitcase? '21-I'm sorry, old man, but the icebox is full. -Frivol Mrs. Dante: What are you writing now, dear? Dante: Oh, Hell, you wouldn't understand it! -Record Jimmie's College Inn IN THE FRONT ROW Wrinkle, wrinkle, little star; Shows how old you really are; Through my lorgnette I can trace Furrows in your smiling face! -Judge Miss Wittie-Jim, I've often noticed what at- tractive features you have. Mr. Flatnose-What, for instance? Miss W.-Why, for one thing, you have a Roman nose. Mr. F.-Is that so? Miss W.-Yes, dear, Rom'n all over you face. -Virginia Reel "Is he a good mixer?" "Is he? He can do more with a cocktail shak- er than most people can with a churn." -Gargoyle Showme 32 THE SHOWME AS THE DAY DIED Awgwan-What a sick looking watch! Punch Bowl-Yes, it's hours are numbered. -Siren "I fell down in front of the bank to-day." "S'matter, lose your balance?" Nels-Can you carry a tune, Pat? Pat-Certainly. Nels-Well, carry that one out and bury it. -Burr Half-That coach is a wonderful conversa- tionalist. Back-He ought to be-he spends the whole season improving his line. -Banter A TRYSTING-PLACE "I see Jinks has another new car." "Yes, he can afford it. He goes to every Prom you know-" "Uh-huh." "And always parks his boat right outside the gym door." "Yeh." "Well, he told me the last Prom he swept up four vanity bags, a couple of fat wallets, a wrist- watch and a quart of miscellaneous jewelry from his back seat." -Tiger "So that's Mrs. Jones, is it? By the way, what was her maiden-name?" "Her maiden aim was to get married, of course." -Gargoyle RECREATION PARLOR The Showme Gordon & Koppel