The Showme January, 1921The Showme January, 192120081921/01image/jpegUniversity of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact email@example.com for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show192101The Showme January, 1921; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1921
All blank pages have been eliminated.
"Thou Shalt Not."
University of Missouri
Vol. I. No. 4
Price 35 cents
Peck Drug and News Company
The Columbia Evening Missourian
2 THE SHOWME
February 1, 1921
The Showme is issued monthy by the Showme staff,
composed of students of the University of Missouri, at
311 Guitar Building, Columbia, Mo. Subscription price,
$1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased
from news-stands. Application for entry as second-class
matter at the post office at Columbia, Mo. pending.
IT'S YOUR MOVE
"Ikey, haf you heard of Sammy Ryzchewski ?"
Prospective Buyer-Is this mule fast?
Farmer Haystack-Not entirely-his hind legs
are loose. -Tar Baby
Frosh-Behold me in the flower of manhood.
Soff-Yes, you blooming idiot.-Cornell Widow
Polly-I hide my head in shame every time I
see the family wash in the back yard.
Dool-Oh, do they? -Lampoon
Some old-fashioned folk are like chorus girls-
they keep their fortunes in their stockings.
INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE
Waitress-Has your order been taken?
Student-No; not yet.
Waitress-Then what do you want?
Student-I'm afraid if I told you you'd slap
my face. -Frivol
AS MIGHT BE EXPECTED
The Father-"How is it, sir, that I find you
kissing my daughter? How is it, sir?"
The Suitor-"Great! Great!"
Her face is sweet and sweet her lips,
And sweet her eyes of blue ;
And I fetch her bonbons every night,
For she has a sweet tooth, too.
Didn't you swallow some water when you swore?
Nope. The dams kept it out. -Siren
IN THE DORMS
Soph: "Hey Frosh-telephone!"
Sleepy Voice: "I aint 'specting no call." -Burr
Inconse-Does she dance badly?
Quential-Yes, if the chaperones aren't looking.
J. Guy McQuitty
I say, O Celeste, all my verses of late
Please not to their old time degree.
Perhaps I am bold, but you ought to be told
That the blame lies with you not with me.
I truly should think you'd encourage my Muse,
I should think you'd not fume and not fret,
And O, why did you change-a performance most
I liked you much better brunette.
Chorus: I can never forget.
It is all your own fault, you should never blame me
If I sing not so fluent a song.
It is none of m ycare if you're dark, dull, or fair,
I always can carol along.
But, Celeste, you should have more respect for the
Of whom, as I hope, you are fond;
Just thoughtless I know, and yet it is so,
There are far fewer rhymes for a blonde.
Chorus: Give us rhymes for a blonde.
-F. P. G
How doth the gentle laundress
Search out the weakest points,
And always scrape the buttons off
At the most strategic points.
She-Goodness! What is that horrible noise?
He-Why, my dear, that was nothing but the
dog-watch barking at a passing cat-boat.
~ihat a splendid fit," said the tailor, as they
irried the epileptic out of his shop. -Record
SAFE, IF NOT SANE
"He's wandering in his mind."
"That's all right, he won't go far."
Nip-I played poker all night last night.
Tuck-How did you come out?
Nip-Fine! I won eight prescriptions. -Pelican
Politician to friend wife:
P-: "Well, dearie, I was elected."
W-: "Honestly !"
P-: "Well, what difference does that make?"
MILLARD & SISSON
4 THE SHOWME
COLUMBIA ART SHOP
MAN THE ACTOR.
Poor, stagestruck man,
Man the actor-
Trying to be
Something he isn't.
Under the stimulus
Of two eyes
Or two hundred
It's all the same.
Afraid to be
His brief second
Before his audience.
Even when the stage
Is dark and deserted
And the last weary
Of the sordid sight.
Departs, man at home
Before his mirror
Plays for himself-
The Language of Love
He-Come on, let's slip into
She-Think anybody will see
us? -Purple Cow
Many men have shuffled off
this mortal coil by shuffling a
Some schools use the following
HEAR YE! !
In days of yore, the Pilgrim band that took possession of this land were
vexed and sore as they could be at Merry England's levity. They did not crave
the brimming bowl, or ale, or spice, or jelly roll, but chose the narrow path to
walk and dodge the redskin's tomahawk. And be it known they looked askance
at any form of song or dance.
But since that time this little world, as round its orbit gay it whirled, has
seen a minor change or two in what it's people say and do. Most any kind of
modern dance would put John Alden in a trance and good Greek Gods would
stand aloof to watch us throw the festive hoof. Terpsichore, modest girl, could
find no place in this mad whirl for we are very far apart from Terpsi and her
well known art as o'er the floor we bounce and dip, in shaking the hilarious hip.
We shuffle, toddle, each in place, on'our allotted foot of space and do our best
to imitate the famous "jelly on the plate." Ah, marvelous hallucination, that this
be part of education!
Such dancing, it has been decreed, this institution does not need, and those
who choose to break this rule may have to find some other school where they can
gaily bounce around and shake the lights and plaster down., 'Tis well that there
are still a few who wonder what we're coming to and guide us when we grow
too gay, in what we call our modern way. So dance along ,you Yappers free,
and don't flunk your geology, and watch your step in math and trig, for those
who play must also digi. Don't let these last words make you sore, but you musn't
SHUFFLE ANY MORE.
6 THE SHOWME
"The chaperones can't see this
Let's brighten the corner where
THE SHOWME 7
THE FABLE OF HORACE HOTWAD
In to a small College Community there came a Youth who yearned to be known as a Hot Number.
Though young, he was an Accredited Member of one of the First Fifty Families and had often had the pleasure
of seeing his papa's name in the Paper in connection with Things of Importance.
At Home he was easily a Man About Town. He drove his Papa's car and smoked tobacco in his Own
Room. Blushing Peaches who visited Homeburg were always His Meat. When the village Louts stood off
and Wished He snapped 'em into the front seat of his Money Buggy and made for the Hills. While the
Bumpkins bought Sundaes and Caramel Centers this Youth was dropping his card between Roses in a long,
slim Box. The competition of the Lesser Lights just set him off to Advantage. Real competition appeared
rarely and was Always met by a prohibitive Ante on the part of the Gilded Youth.
Being a Man About Town in his own village carried with it Distinction and the privilege of Voicing
Opinions where there are no Older People About. The M. A. T. soon learned that he had the Public fooled.
Part of it was always Ready to stop to Listen to what he had to Say. Girls appreciated his Company.
Arriving in the College Comunity the Youth found his Deeds unnoticed. His hair was Slick but not Slick-
His first real Jolt came after a night's study of Shakespeare around the old Green Table in company with
four Other venturesome spirits. The session began before Midnight and lasted until time for Eight O'clocks.
It would have caused talk in Homeburg.
Instead of Arising from the Circle and dashing out to Class the Hot Number chose to Warm the Mat-
tress. Imagine his distress when his Waywardness went unmarked.
The Youth made it a Point to whisper in everyone's ear whenever he had had a Drink and even Sat
up three nights in a Row playing High, Low, Jack but, still, his reputation as a Go-getter failed to Hop from
Main street in Homeburg onto the College Campus.
He was both Pained and Annoyed to find that his availability as a topic of general Conversation was
Zero. The satisfaction of catching his Own name amidst the buzz of Campus Scandal denied Him he re-
newed his efforts to become a Slicker.
Notoriety dodged Him so he adopted Extraordinary methods.
Sixteen Markers worth of Citrous Liquor tallied a Knockout before he had even had time to appear
before the Boys in the House and left a recurrent Hangover every time he inhaled the Witch Hazel after Shav-
ing. He Tried hiring a taxi for every little Journey but soon gave that up Because so many others did the
same thing. In attempting an Outlaw variation of the waltz which was barred by the College Purity League
he slipped and Bumped his head instead of getting his name on the Black List.
The Gilded Youth was up a Stump.
He counseled with Himself and, remembering the ancient proverb, removed His own Horn from the
Thereafter he paraded the Town telling of His Escapades. He was pretty Hard, he said. When it
came to handling a three ring, Wine, Women and Dice Enterprise he was always Chief Ringmaster and crack-
er of the Whip. It had been Years since anyone had Fooled him.
Before long he had a few Converts. Stories of his winnings or losses were Whispered about. His
capacity for Cactus Water was said to be large.
The Youth convinced himself easily that these things were True and being convinced he convinced many
In time his hand-made Rep reached the faculty. The Benzine Board vised his Cuts and Flunks and de-
cided to allow him to devote his Entire time to Raising Hell on the theory that a man should Follow his ex-
pressed inclination and bent.
The Youth's papa was a Self-made Article and, Having heard reports of his Fast Working son, cut off
his allowance and got him a Job in The grocery Store. Moral: It pays to Advertise-Sometimes.
8 THE SHOWME
THE SHOWME, Room 311, Guitar Building
Vol. I, No. 4 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year
C. ARCH RODGERS, Managing Editor
FRANK HOUSTON, Literary Editor GERALD F. PERRY, Art Editor
TAYLOR HARNEY, Business Manager WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Circulation Manager
OWEN ATKINSON, Advertising Manager ERNEST GARTH, Assistant Advertising Manager
ASSOCIATES. ART ASSOCIATES.
Edwin N. Jacquin BUSINESS ASSISTANTS.
J. B. Berger
J. B. Berger C. A. Poole Dozier Gardner
Paul S. Limerick Lyle T. Johnston Nancy Moore
William Kieffer I. Brown Ralph Fowler
Florian P. Gass
VENIEBANT, VIDEBANT, VICIEBANTUR!
Call forth the ghost of Caesar, for the words of that famous general have been twisted. and distorted to
meet the advance of a new civilization until Julius himself would hardly recognize them. History repeats it-
self, indeed, but the actors in the great drama seem to sometimes trade parts for their reappearance. "Vini,
vidi, vici," a phrase overworked by every ambitious orator since Caesar started the news jogging over the vias
and acqueducts that he had added a choice bit to the Roman pork barrel, has been set to new music by the Uni-
Veniebant, videbant, viciebantur, the new tune goes. Quite a number of students, although the exact
number will probably never be made public, received copies of it, some by letter, others by telegraph, and a se-
lect few by telephone. "They came, they saw, they were conquered!" They came for nothing in particular,
they saw everything that they could, and they were conquered by the return of the faculty to the pre-war stan-
dard of grading. It is generally understood that at least one hundred students were requested not to return to
the University this term because of unsatisfactory work, and some rumors place the number as high as four
hundred. At any rate, they have passed on, some raw recruits and some who had almost become land marks.
And it may be ever thus! Those who entered school during the uncertainty of the war period and who
have chosen to make of our institution a .winter resort, must convince the Dean's Office that they are here for
a purpose or go by the board. Don't let the army of the conquered grow!
THE SIO WME 9
THE WHY OF THE SHUFFLE NUMBER
For your enlightenment, the SHOWME feels called upon to take time out to explain what it's all about.
We mean the Shuffle Number. Probably some of our readers are not acquainted with the mysteries of
shuffling. They realize, of course, that the Shuffle must be of great importance, some problem of per-
haps international scope, or the SHOWME would never pause in its mission of improving the world to
give it heed. And now, we give an entire number to the Shuffle; at least, the cover proclaims this the
Shuffle Number. We trust that you will appreciate our deep sincerity in attacking this problem.
The Shuffle is, first of all, a dance; we must grant this much for the sake of argument. Perhaps it is
not a dance, but it has been so nicknamed. It would be hard to ascertain just what kind of a dance it is.
Some have placed in the class of low high-brow, others, high low-brow. A neutral critic might describe
it as a cross between a jumping jack and an intoxicated wind mill. Its gyrations are marvelous, its bound-
ing bliss unbelievable. One who shuffles can change directions with all the speed of an ill-fated sail in a
hurricane; he needs little floor space and just enough music to get the inclination started. Once started,
the Shuffle is extremely hard to stop.
But the powers that be have stopped it. It has been ruled out of our own and other leading edu-
cational institutions of the middle west, although its cousin, the toddle, is still sanctioned in some circles.
The Shuffle was the apex of a half crazed desire for jazz, jazz, more jazz, and it has passed on. Next
year's freshmen won't even remember that it ever existed!
Pan-Hellenic Group Welcoming that Freshman who came down to school this semester.
10 THE SHOWME
(By Sachel Quinsey)
The dance hall quivers in unrythmic waves
As they dance a wild dance, new dance
With a jump, jump, jump,
And they rock along from side to side
Like a five cent bus on a slippery ride,
And they pound their heels against the floor.
And the plastering falls from
The walls below.
The orchestra crashes like a
Load of cans,
Tincans, dish pans, tin can cans.
And the close-cheeked dancers
Move along and the hot breath
Comes and the hot breath goes
As they wiggle and twiggleon dust-stained toes.
White backs, bare backs, red backs flash along,
And shake and shimmy to the clanging gong.
Fish eyed matrons along the wall
Stare and stammer at the awful gall.
Fuss and fume with icy stare
At the shaking backs, bare, bare, bare.
While the heedless youths
Jump, hop and crow about
.As the traps
With sinful tune.
And the piano jangles
With a jangling jang.
Slowly the dancers move along
And the face paint melts with the
Awful heat as beard-studded chin
Rakes rouge stained cheek.
And fat girls, slim girls
Shake about. Comely girls, homely girls,
Stout girls never cease in the rubbery
Jumping of dimpled knees,
To the saxophone's crime-filled wheeze.
The dancers stay on their
THE SHOWME 11
Foot of space with a
Blank expression on
A .heaven-turned face.
While the matrons with awful frown stare
At the earthquake scene with awful thoughts
Of the morrow's woe,
For the dancers then with mournful tread
Shall march along in solemn dread
With fear, fear, fear in each, vacant head.
But on with the dance!
Let the matrons stare!
The music's great
With its awful blare;
The flower that's stolen
Smells the best.
And they dance, dance, dance the
While the orchestra crashes its
And the matrons stare their
1. shuffle because
It isn't considered nice.
Because it's absurd.
Because chaperons don't like it.
Because it's forbidden.
-and the chaperons are not
I don't shuffle because
It isn't considered nice.
Because it's absurd.
Because chaperons don't like it.
Because it's forbidden.
-and because the chaperons are
SHAME ON YOU, OSCAR!
Said a fellow named Oscar H. Titus:
"The shuffle is danced to delight us."
They asked him, by chance,
Who invented the dance,
And the answer he gave was': "St. Vitus."
She-Do you think my stockings will be well fill-
ed at Christmas?
He-Yes, or at any other time. -Gargoyle
Interview With a Vampire.
Rep: Hello, Miss Theda Arrow?
Voice: No, this is Pierce, her father.. Just a
moment and I'll call her. (Theda! Oh, Theda!
Tell-uphone!) She's very busy rehearsing her lines
in The Blue Dame. .
Theda: Hello. Sorry, kid, but I've got some-
thin' on tonight.
Rep: I don't'want a date. I'm Miss Chat of
the Daily Hoozis and I'd like to ask you several
questions if you don't mind.
Theda: Oh, I haven't any-er-I mean, that's
all right. Shoot!
Rep: Where were you born?
Theda: Cairo, of course.
Rep: Oh, Cairo, Illinois about sixty mi-
Theda: No, No! Cairo, Egypt where the
syrup comes from!
Rep: Oh, yes-er-who gave you your start
as a vampire?
Theda: The Sphinx, but it was stone-cold to
Rep: The jinx?
Theda: No, sphinx-s-phee-inx, sphinx.
Rep: Ah,yes. I hear that you're in the legit,
Theda: Yes, I'm starring in the Blue Dame
You've heard the song hit, of course-"I wonder
Who's Vamping Him Now."
Rep: Certainly. Have you any plans for the
Theda: Yes. My school for vampires in
Chicago opens soon. The course, will have the fol-
lowing subjects: the vampire slide, the wicked eye,
the mean hip, shoulder beckon, come-on-kid stare
and I'll see you later. After a thorough drilling in
this course all the student needs is a couple tiger
skins and a lot of Chinese punk and she's ready for
the fifth reel. Then we give her the degree of B.
Rep: B. V. D?
Theda: Baby Vampire Division.
Voice: Come on Theda, hang up now. The
landlord's here again for the rent and I want you
to vamp him away.
HE OUGHT TO KNOW
Doctor: "Say Colonel, how does it feel to kill
Colonel: "I don't know, doctor, how does. it?"
12 THE SHOWME
"There wasn't much mistletoe
sold this season."
"No, that isn't necessary any
He Won His Point.
"I'll fade you," said the gam-
bler, as he bleached his wife's
Isn't This Relishing?
He: You remind me of a
bottle of pure catsup.
She: How do you figure?
He: Cause there's no artific-
ial coloring in your make-up.
She: Now, I'll tell one. You
remind me of a bottle of Dur-
He: How come?
She: 'Cause you're so fond of
(Then they ordered fruit salad.)
A Cheap Skate.
Flooie: How's that for a
pretty figure 8? Everybody's
Blooie: Oh, fair, but how's
this for a figure 2?
Flooie: You big elephant,
you stumbled! Everybody's
Blooie: Well, didn't I figure
There's a Difference!
"Is May a good dancer?"
"No, but she can shuffle."
"Did Tom come back this se-
"No, he shuffled out, too."
Why the Others Fled.
The boy dealt out the burning
No wonder he stayed pat,
He held four aces in his mitts
And remained where he was at.
"Nicotine," shouted the re-
former, "is just as poisonous as-
"Guillotine!" sang out the his-
Her rich, melodious voice
Floats in merrily over the wire.
But held back by an
Only the telephone,
With joyous life,
Gripped tightly in an
What can one do
When between the
Two "Hello's" is a
-H. P. C
The poet wrote some verses
Which he sent in to be typed.
.'Twas the story of a fairy ship
"Shimmering in the pale moon-
But the typist was a dancing fool,
She danced most every night.
And so the finished copy read,
"Shimmying in the pale moon-
-P. S. L.
First they took away our liquor
And drinking put a stop to.
And then they put a ban on
Making home-made hop brew.
Not content with this tom-fool-
New fields they found to van-
Tho success has crowned their
Yet their work don't seem to
On liquor now they've turned
To face a newer foe.
And now they calmly turn and
"Tobacco too must go."
I can draw a mental picture,
Of the days that are to come
When good old twist tobacco
Gives way to chewing gum!
I can see the Turkish cigarette
And the rich and burly kind
Being mournfully supplanted
By the crooked grape vine.
In those days the law will make
Quite a serious offense
To even carry matches
In your go-to-meetin' pants.
-P. S. L.
She-Were you out after dark
"Pop, my teacher says Thack-
ery was a man of letters."
"Yes, son. It was quite an
honor to be the postmaster in
the olden days."
THE SHOWME 13
A serenade? In days gone by,
When ladies lived in towers high,
T'was popular. For then I trow
No other means did lovers know
To make hard hearted damsels sigh.
But now, those methods don't apply.
Indeed, t'were hard to stand below
Your flat and yell ten flights or so
Ah no! I fear I can't comply.
Aught else you ask of me, I'll try
I'll tell you what I will do, though,-
I'll take you to the picture show.
There's painless romance there. So why
-F. P. G.
14 THE SHOWME
SHADES OF SHAKESPEARE
Scene: The castle. Macbeth and murderer.
Macbeth: Dost pack a gat, minion?
Murderer: Ay, that do I, my lord.
'Tis a six-shooter, and I pull
A wicked trigger.
Macbeth: Good! Go thou,
And bump off Fleance and Banquo-
Murderer: Not so hastily, my lord,
For I demand five bucks for each,
And an eight hour day,
Or I strike.
Macbeth: What, thou varlet?
Well, 'tis grattted; Shoot well,
Lest they escape. A gallon of home-brew
Awaits thee in my cellar,
When thy task is done. (Exit murderer).
I could not choose a better time.
The police strike;
And the electrician at Sing-Sing,
Demandeth more coin for each man condemn'd
To die in the chair; I am safe.
Ye banquet scene, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.
Macbeth: Ho, cooks! Ha, varlets!
What hast thou for my starving belly?
Truly I crave a boiled ham!
Lady Macbeth: Be not angered, my lord,
The cooks have struck!
And Norah has left the castle,
Lured by the wages offered,
By the thane of Fife; I am alone and helpless.
Macbeth: Thou'rt mad to say it!
But natheless, hie thee to the kitchen,
I'll have a boiled ham,
Or know the reason why.
Lady Macbeth: Oh, lord,
Our pantry is empty,
The butchers' union have ordered a strike,
And the stockyards are idle.
We must dine out-but no!
The cooks' and waiters' union,
Have struck; and also
The dishwashers' association.
Macbeth: The curse of death on the unions!
Foul, misguided knaves who interrupt my plans,
And block my path of success!
I have murders yet to be committed,
But my men have struck,
All save one. Woe is me!
What ho! Is this Saturday?
Lady Macbeth: No, my lord. Why askest
Macbeth: Truly, the ghost walks!
Lady Macbeth: Thou hast been drinking wood
And art off thy trolley. Prohibition
Will prove thy downfall, Thou drinkest
100 per cent stuff; and hast bats in thy belfrey.
Ghost: I wander here Macbeth,
For I have no place to go.
The gravediggers have struck.
Furthermore,'I am a union ghost,
And -were this Saturday,
You would not find me here,
For on that day,
I work but till noon.
The clock strikes 12.
With its cultured refinements
Has substituted for the
Of the auction block
In the slave market
The triumph of civilization
The modern marriage mart-
Long receiving lines -
Black and "white-
All stepping stones
To the altar
Where the purchase
Made at the
By the highest bidder
Is finally transacted-
I turn sickened.
"Do you like Columbia?"
"I never speak evil of the
"Good heavens! What is that
man trying to do to that piano?"
"He's running the scales."
"Well, if he isn't careful he'll
soon have 'em run down."
."I see Bink's wife made him
take that excursion boat trip
down the river."
"Ye-ah, she's always hunting
If the style in haircuts con-
tinues to follow its present trend,
the parlor bolshevik and the ec-
centric artist will have to cut
their locks to be noticed.
The Blind Can't See.
"I won't take a 'blind' date."
"Ya won't? Well, ya'd better
wear a mask yourself, then."
18 THE SHOWME
The Original Greasy Spoon.
How Vain a World
"Her neck," said Bill, "is the driven snow,
Her cheek is as damask fine,
Her eyes are soft with a hidden glow,
Her face has a classic line."
"Come off," said Joe, "that ancient stuff!
Can she bake good bread? Are her biscuits tough?"
"Her hair curls up in the prettiest way,
Her voice is as clear as a bell.
Her smile," said Bill, "her smile, I say,
Is a difficult thing to tell."
"Yeah, but then has she sense?" quoth Joe,
"Does she know how to talk? And can she sew?"
"Her charms," said Bill, "are too good for you,
Or me. Tis the truth I speak.
A wonderful girl! An heiress, too,
She comes of age next week."
"Izzata fact! A girl I know?"
O say, uh,-where does she live ?" said Joe.
As It Was in the Beginning, Is Now and-.
My neighbor's kids game into play
While I was gone up town.
When I returned in half an hour,
I found things .nwod edispu
They got into my wardrobe trunk
One day when I was otut.
When I returned, I found my clothes
Were all turned .tuo edis gnorw
With gasoline they tried their hand,
I heard an awful rumble.
I hurried out;into the kitchen
And found it in a jumble.
My own three boys were innocent.
The dears, how I do love 'em!
I feel quite sure in breeding,
My lads are far above 'em.
The shades of night were falling fast,-
One hit our hero in the side.
"But that's all right,-I'm padded with
Excelsior!" he cried.
THE SHOWME 19
20 THE SHOWME
"What a wonderful execution," cried the au.
dience, as the warden closed the circuit.
Mother dear-"Do your new shoes hurt?"
Brother dear-"No, but my feet do."
"My," exclaimed Mr. Klumsay at the Sopho-
more Cotillion, "this floor's awfully slippery. It's
hard to keep on your feet."
"Oh," replied the fair partner, sarcastically,
"then you were really trying to keep on my feet?
I thought it was purely accidental."
"A man on third, two down," he said,
"We'll have to work the squeeze."
"But, Billy dear don't do it here--
It's much too public-please."
Fire When Ready
Visitor going through powder works-"How
often do you kill a man here ?"
He-"Why do you call me 'Albatross'?"
She-Because you hang around my neck."
"Is this a second-hand store?"
"I want one for my watch."
At the Home-coming
'89-(Looking over the improved conditions)
"What does it cost the boys here now-?"
'23-(Yawning)-"Twenty dollars a quart."
She Doesn't Know Her Eggs
Prudence, you know, was a Quakeress Fair,
She was loved by one Golightly Proud.
And they'd sit 'neith the moon in the soft nights
As long as the Quakers allowed.
And they dreamed at the clouds as they floated
While the stars peeped out, half fearing to stay,
And that rest settled down of a well-labored day,
And the fireflies flickered around.
"My flower," said he, "wilt thou be mine?"
"A flower should wilt, so of course I'll be thine."
"Thou art-" said he,
"It's .an art," said she.
And the fireflies flickered around.
-F. P. G.
The shuffle is no uncommon thing. It is a
custom made venerable by centuries and centuries
of use by all types and classes of people.
The first record of the shuffle comes from that
well-known young noble, Hamlet, the prince of
Denmark. That gentleman on several occasions,
according to his faithful chronicler, William Shake-
speare, contemplated "shuffling off this mortal
Early in the history of this freedom loving
country when Africans were first being brought
over to be driven as slaves, the shuffle was also in-
troduced. So popular was it with the Ethiopians
that they adopted it in their everyday life, and their
very walk came to be known as "the shuffle."
And today, the tight-laced matrons who frown
most upon our naive little dance are the persons
who shuffle most. There is hardly a one of them
who has not her bridge club, and who does not
spend at least two afternoons and many more ev-
enings each week in shuffling the cards.
It is all, apparently, in one's point of view.
THE SHOWME 21
Said a sweet young Miss from
"Oh dear! I'm feeling so blue
Because I have nothing to wear."
"Never mind," said her sister
That questions no twister
The way styles are now
You should care!!"
Imagine the scene: A big, comfortable chair, a
beautiful girl snuggled down in it, her head leaned
back so that she is looking up into the face of the
man who is bending attentively over her.
Now he reaches his arm around her. Her head
is pressed against his heart. Speech at this time
would be impossible.
Listen. We hear her struggled whisper: "Oh,
dear, you hurt." In a low, earnest voice he says:
"Well, I simply cannot help hurting you a little
bit. You don't mind that, do you?"
Again we hear only silence. They seem perfect-
ly contented. It is not long, however, that they
remain in this position. He does not seem con-
tent with what he sees in her face.
Her eyes are a violet gray. He bends farther
over so that he can see into-well-see into her
Because, of course, it is the dentist repairing her
22 THE SHOWME
"The movies are just in their
"Well, they seem to have
found their legs."
"Flying requires some specia
application, doesn't it?"
"No, any old kind of linament
Tall-George seems to have re-
covered from the jilting his old
girl game him.
Short-Yes, he's been revamp-
ed. -Pitt Panther
Maybe That's the Reason
Why is it a rich man always
has the Twin-Six and a poor man
the six twins? -Siren
"My heart is with the ocean!"
cried the poet rapturously.
"You've gone me one better,''
said his sea-sick friend, as he
took a firm grip on the rail.
When authors run out of any
words to use in place of "walk"
they make their characters shuf-
fle off. We've run out of dances,
let's shuffle, too.
The Landing of the Pilgrim's
Oh the heavy night hung dark
On the hills both near and far.
When a band of exiles disem-
On -a wild Canadian bar.
There were men with hoary hair
Amidst that pilgrim-band-
Why had they come to wither
Away from their childhood's
What sought they thus afar?
Bright jewels of the mine?
The wealth of seas, the spoils of
-They sought a wetter shrine
Aye, call it holy ground,
. The soil to which they hailed!
They gave their all, they search-
ed, they found
Freedom to drink unjailed!
Correct Weight-One Cent
Harry-My you did get fa'
Harriet-I weigh exactly 12.
Harry-You can't tell exactly
these drug store scales are liable
to be wrong. -Gargoyle
"We girls have to be so care-
ful these days."
"If a fellow tries to tell us a
risque joke and we stop him too
soon, he knows we've heard it
"That's the guy I'm laying
for," muttered the Hen as the
Farmer crossed the yard.
"Quit your gassin'," admon-
ishes the chem. prof. to the talka-
I am getting tire of hanging.
Around soda fountains.
Listening to slick-haired.
Youths tell about their.
Capacity for likker.
They talk about.
Johnnie Walker and.
Virginia Dare as though.
They had been their.
Bosom friends for years.
And I'll venture to say.
That they never met any.
Of the aforementioned.
And the only bottles that
They ever saw were.
And that not so long.
They speak of Cuba.
With a blase air.
Blase being French for hot.
And what they would do.
If they were there.
When in all probability.
They would only swear.
Because the cokes.
Weren't up to standard.
The sight of a whiskey bottle.
Would give 'em a.
They make me tired!
No Waste Here
Mother (viewing daughter's
new dress)-It's all right, but the
waist doesn't match the skirt
very well in back.
Daughter-That isn't the waist
mother; that's me. -Drexerd
Jokes on Father
Young Lady (turning pages of
album)-And this is my father.
Caller-You certainly resem-
Young Lady-That's funny'
he's my stepfather. -Dirge
THE SHOWME 23
In The Tiger Camp
TIGERS LEAD VALLEY RACE.
"I wonder what kind of a basketball team Mis-
souri will turn out this season with such a youthful
man at the helm," was the remark of one alumnus
when here for the Thanksgiving game. "It will be
,remarkable," he continued, "if the players will rally
around one as counselor and coach, who was but a
private in the ranks less than a year ago."
"Yes," we would answer that grad today, "it is
remarkable." The remarkable part is the young
J. Craig Ruby, acting director, of the Tigers, with
the title of assistant coach has already proved to the
student body of the University that he possesses un-
usual capabilities. The basketball quintet resembling
-only slightly the one which won the Conference cham-
pionship under Doctor Meanwell last season is pros-
pering far better than the most optimistic would have
conceded last fall. The appointment of a young man
to the task of leading a Varsity, without a bit of
coaching experience was scouted at with doubt by
many. Yet if there is a dubious one today he has not
made himself heard. Craig Ruby has made good.
His proteges are his best testimony bearers, with the
student body sincere believers.
"Basketball isn't a national pastime like football
and baseball, and the chances are that it never will
be. An indoor game can never rival the outdoor
sports from the standpoint of the spectators. Yet in
basketball there is probably more real science in the
true meaning of the word than in either of the two
sports. There are many who will dispute this con-
tention and for the benefit of those, if we had the
space, we would be glad to air our views on the sub-
In the East basketball doesn't thrive as it does
here. In some large institutions it is even considered
as a minor sport. The classification that indoor sports
are minor seems to be all inclusive there. Basketball
in the East lacks the technique and drive that is spent
on it elsewhere and hence the game has not been de-
veloped to the greatest extent. The people have not
been properly educated in the sport. In the middle
west, particularly the Big Ten the people have been
educated to it. But in our estimation basketball in
the Western Conference lacks the finesse of the va-
riety played in. the Missouri Valley. Thereareteams
in one or two schools which are decided exceptions
namely Wisconsin and Illinois where a regime, such
as has been in charge here at Missouri, has held
sway. But for the most part, the rough and tumble
style of basketball is catered to. The little man
hasn't much chance of making a Big Ten team, what
they want is brawn to stand the gaff and punishment
which is usually inflicted in a Big Ten game. The
score of a recent Big Ten game was 13-12, Chicago
winning over the Badgers. The game was not a
scientific exhibition, but just an old fashioned brawl.
Such games are typical in the Western Conference.
Missouri Valley and particularly University of
Missouri fansg do not care for this sort of basketball.
They like the fascinating, fast team play, and accurate
basket shooting such as the Tigers have displayed for
many seasons. Much praise has been given Dr. W.
E. Meanwell for giving the Missouri people, that
which they wanted, fast basketball. We honestly be-
lieve that basketball as played in Columbia, is the
most attractive variety of the indoor sport.
The coaching regime of Craig Ruby and Dir-
ector Clevenger as senior advisor of the five, has
continued this pleasing style of play and with great
success. As the SHOWME is being locked for the
press the Tigers have won eight games without halt
trying. The conclusion that many will draw is that
the Tigers are off on another flight to a title. We
hope it is true.
Yet other fives in the Valley are to come in for
serious consideration in the division of the spoils.
It is a scource of deep chagriri to many schools in this
section of the country that Missouri cannot be de-
throned from her high position in the basketball race
each year. For a considerable period of years the
representatives of -the Showme institution have won
many championships, and second and third positions,
seldom being any lower.
This year with Scott and Ruby being lost to the
Missourians, it was thought by the majority of the
coaches about the Valley that the Tigers would be in
a bad way.
24 THE SHOWME
Yet from their showing to date the Bengals are
hot on the trail of another championship belt. Ames
trailed into Missouri, bringing reports of the. great-
est team in history. Granting that such announce-
ments were decidedly off color, the Cyclones made
as pitable a showing against the local representatives
as ever did a team from the Iowa Agricultural Col-
lege. For two successive evenings the Missouri five
passed the ball and shot baskets at will around their
opponents. This despite the fact that Captain "Pidge"
Browning and his brother "Bun" almost certain of
regular berths on the Tiger five were on the sidelines,
crippled. Bond and Knight, injected into the lineup
at the eleventh hour, played like veterans. It is true
that on the first evening the team play was ragged in
spots, but with two last minute shifts what else could
be expected. Williams was in the same form that
won him an all-conference berth by a unanimous vote
in 1920, while Wackher, Coffey and Bunker defend-
ed, in spectacular style.
Washington University had visions of a possible
victory over the Tigers but all was disspelled when
after 8 minutes of play in the first game the Tigers
had twelve points and their opponents none. The
final score of 46-11 in that first encounter must have
been most humiliating. The result of the second en-
counter was even more so, the Tigers winning by a
40-11 count. Two more decisive whippings in as
many days have never been administered to these an-
The Kansas State Agricultural quintet must be
figured in the final accounting. In early season games
they have been almost as successful as the Tigers,
winning over Oklahoma in easy fashion. Missouri
is a long ways from a Championship, but she has a
team we can well afford to be proud of, whatever the
final standing in the race may be.
The Home Sweet Home Waltz entered the
dance hall. He glided lightly across the floor to
the orchestra. It was indeed time that the dance
was over. He glided up to the orchestra leader.
For a moment it seemed that he would make him-
self heard. Then a blare of jazz drowned him out
and he took to the anteroom in despair. Three
times he made the trip only to meet with the same
fate. Finally he took the elevator and made his
way to the street. And as he passed out the door-
boy heard him mutter, "Lost in the Shuffle."
SWEET ESSENCE OF PRUNE JUICE
He had known her for years. He had seen a
good deal of her-in more ways than one.
He had sat across the parlor from her; she had,
of course, crossed her legs; he had seen her trim
ankles, her. ......
He had seen her at the seashore, wearing her
tantalizing, silky bathing suit, with its short dress,
with its cute little slippers, with its............
He had seen her at full dress affairs, and con-
sidering these dresses as they are, he had, of course,
But it was not until a long, long while that he
approximated the ultimatum. It was just a par-
lor date-one of many-which did not give promise
of being any different from all the others. But
one thing will lead to another! Finally, by a little
slip of the arm, by a little jerk of the head, a little
this, and a little that some hairpins came out; her
hair hung a little loosely at the sides; and essence
of compromise!-he saw her ears!
NOT MUCH TO IT
"Here's a snapshot of my girl at the beach."
"Snapshot! Boy, I'd call that an exposure!"
Polite Spanish Gentleman-Is there a Signor
Student-Hell no, Jenkins is only a soph.
ALWAYS THE CASE
Mrs. Kew Reosity-There's the most interesting
part of the paper.
Mr. Kew Reosity-What's that?
Mrs. Kew Reosity-I dunno. It's torn out.
Cleryman-Er-how's the chicken tonight? Ten-
der and soft?
Waitress-Oh, pretty good, kiddo, how'r you?
A FALL APPLE
In a hammock in the orchard,
Swung I with my darling Grace;
There was danger of her falling,.
So I held her round the waist.
Just above a rosy apple
Hung quite fast upon the tree:
"See that apple, dearest Augus?"
"Get it then," said Grace to me.
So I swung the hammock higher,
Reached-Ah, it's another case-
For just then I lost my balance,
And like Adam fell from Grace. -Tar Baby
Kissing a woman with a pug nose is like trying
to peek through a keyhole overshadowed by a Ro-
man doorknob. -Pelican
Mother-"I think it's wonderful to have a limou-
sine lighted inside like that one of George's."
Innocent daughter-"That's funny, I never saw
any lights." -Widow
Nowadays when a man reaches for his hip-pock-
et, you don't know whether it's a threat or a prom-
ise.-N. G. '20. -Pelican
"My dear, I'm so sorry I couldn't see' you when
you called, but I was just having my hair washed.''
"Yes, and the launderies are so slow about re-
turning things too." -Octopus
Clergyman (who has sat down next to slightly
intoxicated man): "Do you allow a drunk on this
Conductor (low voice): "It's all right so long as
you don't get noisy." -The Gargoyle
ARGUMENT WELL TAKEN
"Wonder why you can't argue with a woman?"
"You can, but it won't do any good."
"Raining Pitchforks" is bad enough, but when
it comes to "Hailing Street Cars," it's pretty rough
weather. -Virginia Reel
ONE ON COLLIER
Geology Prof-Please give us the name of the
Stude (the morning after the night before)-the
ace, doctor. -Tar Baby
Judge-"I sentence you to be hanged."
Optomistic Prisoner-"I love to be kept in sus-
pense; it's so exciting." -Widow
Prof: "Is Jones ill?"
Frosh: "Yes sir."
Prof: "How do you know?"
Frosh: "Last night I heard someone tell him to
lean over and take his medicine." -Banter
Paulin has a weak back.
She can't bare much-more!
Juggs-Don't you think Jones a fool for commit-
Muggs-Yes, it's about the last thing I'd ever do.
Teacher-Do you like fairy stories, Abie?
26 THE SHOWME
Kutie-Poor Agnes slipped on her veranda last
Brutie-Well, well, did it fit her? -Chaparral
New Co-ed-Do they wear those horribly short
tracks pants right out in the open?
Old Timer-Nope; they usually wear them out
in the seat. -Chaparral
Prof: "Do you know the five methods of choos-
ing the atomic from the combining weights?"
Frosh: "I know four."
Prof: "Which one don't you know?" -Burr
The Woman-"I believe I've danced with you
before, haven't I?"
The Victim-"I dunno; if you have why don't
you do it now?" -Chaparral
ROLLED HIS OWN
Sparks: "When I was through the Cascades
recently, I came to an unsurmountable cliff eight
hundred feet high and found no way to go around
Dark: "How did you get over it?"
Spark: "Rolled up in my blankets."
Sea Captian (to one of many leaning over ship
rail): Weak stomach, my lad?
Boy (nervously) : Why, aint I puttin' it as far
as the rest of 'em? -Octopus
IT MATCHES SO WELL
"I see you're wearing Jack's pin!"
"No. Oh! I am, ain't I? I'd forgotten I had
put on my blue dress this morning." -Siren
THIS ONE IS RIS-K
Tee-Don't you think that girl over there dresses
Hee-Can't say; there's a tree between our
He-My brother is exactly the opposite of me.
I don't suppose you've met him, have you?
She-No, but I should like to. -Record
When the frost is on the pumpkin
And the fadder's in the shock,
Then dad redeems his overcoat
And puts the Ford in hock. -Octopus
Reporter (breathless)-Heard your cashier's
gone off and left you?"
Bank President-"That's about all." -Jester
Puppy love is the beginning of a dog's life.
"Do you think you could learn to love me, Chris-
"Well, I passed Calculus." -Jack-o-Lantern
Virginia had a little quart
Of cider, hard as steel.
And everywhere she went, t'was sport
To watch Virginia reel! -Gargoyle
THOSE MEMORY WIZARDS
"I know all the telephone numbers in town."
"* * * Only I don't know who they belong to."
Any Co-ed-"Something in my heart tells me
that you are going to ask me to your next dance."
Stude-"My dear girl, you must have heart
"This hotel is like home, in a way."
"How do you figure that?"
"There's no place like it." -Siren
28 THE SHOWME
LOVE'S LABOUR LOST.
Once there came to old Missouri
From the smoky river city,
From the town of German people,
Came a masterful young artist
Here, to study at Missouri.
And the young man was a cubist,
And drew rare and marvellous pictures
In the manner of the cubists.
From the mighty Kansas City,
From the town of handsome women,
Came a beauteous young damsel
Here, to frivol at Missouri.
And the two met much and often;
Came to love each other deeply,
(And became engaged, t'twas murmured.)
Then she said to him one evening,
Said in soft and cooing accents,
Smoothing his lapel so softly,
"Clarence, dearest, you must sketch me;
You must draw your Betty's picture,
That she won't be angry with you."
And he promised, blindly promised,
Without pausing to consider.
On the next day, which was Sunday,
He began upon her portrait,
Using rich and delicate colours,
Radiant and harmonious colours.
And his touch was passing skillful;
Soon, beneath his strokes of genius
Grew a marvelous conception-
On entrancing work of beauty,
Done with care and skill and feeling
In the manner of the cubists.
Now, his sweetheart was bewitching,
Beautiful, sylph-like, and slender.
Was, in fact, so slim and slender
That she much disliked her thinness.
She had just enough of angles
In her face to make her touchy.
And she thought that was a weak point
Which all others thought a beauty.
With his labor of love completed,
He, unfastening his creation,
Stepped to offer her his tribute
To her piquant, angular beauty,
Done with skill and done with feeling -
In the manner of the cubists.
After that their friends all wondered
Why they seemed so cool and distant;
Never spoke to one another,
Nor were seen again together.
"Ah, it is some lover's quarrel,"
Whispered someone very sagel.
"Yes, indeed, a lover's quarrel,"
Murmured all their friends together.
THE SHOWME 29
The Cynic Says:
Never tell a co-ed you love her. She might
A straw may point the way the wind blows,
but who watches straws on a windy day?
Some people say the Shuffle belongs in - ,
and sometimes when we try to do it with a girl
who doesn't know how we are inclined to believe
P. S.-Our office stenog. agrees with us.
Tan Gloves-I hear Evelyn has turned Jack
down and the poor boy has thrown up everything
and gone to Cuba.
Black Velour-Yes. Another case of a woman
driving a man to drink. -Frivol
"Strike while the iron is hot,"
advised the labor agitator to the
"Complications Cause Death,"
says headline. Therefore avoid
"Ike Newton had the dope when he went to
"They say he used to put quicksand in the
prof's hour-glass so's to shorten that hour."
"I'll raise you two," said the wealthy lady to
the orphans. -Record
"Why did they put Bob out of the game?"
"Oh, isn't that just like Bob?" -Virginia Reel
Teacherette-Why didn't you send up a man
to mend our electric bell?
Electrician-He did go, madame, but as he
rang twice and got no answer, he concluded that
there was no one at home. -Lehigh Burr
That girl is so thin she can go through a flute
without hitting a note. -Purple Cow
30 THE SHOWME
Convalescent (to a grateful friend): Thanks
very much for the brandy peaches. Although the
doctor wouldn't let me eat the peaches, I enjoyed
very much the spirit in which they were sent.
"I see old Jones was arrested for destroying
"What was the charge?"
Rooster-My ambition is to become like yon
Duck-That's a vain thing to,a spire.
A story of life, love and laughter.
A cross section of student life as it would be
written by F. G. Wodehouse, the English play-
wright. (Introducing "Spike as mentor and U.
Tellum Buddy as the novice.)
U. T. B.-Pip, pip, and likewise a couple of
squeaks, old harem organizer, why do I find you
now without the twist of the narcotic producing
plantlife between your lips-eh, wot, as it were?
Spike-'Ullo, 'Ullo, 'Ullo, and a couple more
'Ullos, fair one and why the inquisitiveness-to tell
you the truth I've given up smoking as I consider
the habit quite too effeminate.
U. T. B.-Oh yes, jolly well so, eh wot, yes,
yes by all means. The mater was saying to me
the morning just past that she believed vile che-
roots were responsible for my not getting ahead.
But, I say, old muffin, what acts as a substitute
when the worries of we men get too strong for
our frail will-power to grapple with them.
Spike-Why, haven't you found out yet the
secret of gloom-killing-the spot that takes away
all worries as to how to start or end a date-that
settles once and for all the proper manner of at-
tendance upon the theatre or the basketball game?
Your ignorance is truly debasing.
U. T. B.-Wot ho, why not impart the inform-
Spike-Sh, sh, sh, as they say in the lullaby
songs. It's only three words.
U. T. B.-Yes, yes,-go on-and they are
Chorus by entire company-"Just Say Palms,
U. Tellum Buddy." (adv.)
"Bob, dear, I had a wonderful dream last
"What did you dream?"
"I dreamt that you gave me a beautiful string
"Well, dear, dream to-night that you lost them."
"Jim was quite put out over his girl's dress at
he Prom !"
"So was she, and she had to stay out."
THE SHOWME 31
THE WAR GAME
One-They aren't shooting pool in Ireland any
One-Too much English on the balls.
A glass of Bevo underneath the bough,
Some ginger ale, a lemon lime-and Thou,
Beside me sipping English breakfast tea-
A great old party we will have, I vow !
Grad--Where can I put this suitcase?
'21-I'm sorry, old man, but the icebox is full.
Mrs. Dante: What are you writing now, dear?
Dante: Oh, Hell, you wouldn't understand it!
Jimmie's College Inn
IN THE FRONT ROW
Wrinkle, wrinkle, little star;
Shows how old you really are;
Through my lorgnette I can trace
Furrows in your smiling face!
Miss Wittie-Jim, I've often noticed what at-
tractive features you have.
Mr. Flatnose-What, for instance?
Miss W.-Why, for one thing, you have a
Mr. F.-Is that so?
Miss W.-Yes, dear, Rom'n all over you face.
"Is he a good mixer?"
"Is he? He can do more with a cocktail shak-
er than most people can with a churn."
32 THE SHOWME
AS THE DAY DIED
Awgwan-What a sick looking watch!
Punch Bowl-Yes, it's hours are numbered.
"I fell down in front of the bank to-day."
"S'matter, lose your balance?"
Nels-Can you carry a tune, Pat?
Nels-Well, carry that one out and bury it.
Half-That coach is a wonderful conversa-
Back-He ought to be-he spends the whole
season improving his line. -Banter
"I see Jinks has another new car."
"Yes, he can afford it. He goes to every Prom
"And always parks his boat right outside the
"Well, he told me the last Prom he swept up
four vanity bags, a couple of fat wallets, a wrist-
watch and a quart of miscellaneous jewelry from
his back seat." -Tiger
"So that's Mrs. Jones, is it? By the way, what
was her maiden-name?"
"Her maiden aim was to get married, of
Gordon & Koppel