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Showme March, 1922; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1922

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The Family Skeleton SHOWME for March vol. II no. 7 35 cents QUALITY In All Our Printing Is A Hobby With Us We will supply the ideas and give production to catalogues, folders, booklets, counter dis- plys, labels, letterheads, billheads, envelopes and every major and minor item which might be commonly classified under the title of com- mercial, promotive and sales-building printing. Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. Columbia, Missouri Official Printers for University of Missouri When you take thoughtful care of the friend starting on a journey * When you enter or leave a hospitable home and want to show appre- ciation. When you entertain a guest or two or give an elaborate "affair" When birthdays, holidays and anniversaries come around When you want your own home folks to enjoy pure and pleasing sweets Then visit the store near you that is the agency for the saleof WHITMAN'S chocolates and confections, and makeselections from the great variety of packages. Whitman's QUALITY GROUP STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. Sole makers of Whitman's Instantaneous Chocolate, Cocoa and Marshmallow Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by Peck Drug and News Company Special Columbia Package THE SHOWME for MARCH American Color Engraving Co. 914 Pine St. St. Louis, Mo. Specialists in Designs, Illustrations and Commercial Drawings Engravings by All Processes for all Printing Purposes in One or More Colors. Incorporated 1885 THE SHOWME March, 1922 The Showme is published monthly from September till March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 506 Guitar Build ing, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, No- vember 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Columbia, Mo., un- der the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription price $1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased from newsstands. Stiff Neck: "Whatcha doin' in equitation?" Cavalry: "Aw, horsin' around." "Say It With Flowers" Columbia Floral Co. 7th and Broadway CAKES AND COOKIES of every description for all occasions STRENG'S 1010 Broadway THE SHOWME for MARCH Men Classify Women According to Their Beauty Let Us Help Parsons Sisters The Truth Hurts. I had a dream, dear, You had one too. Mine was a nightmare For 'twas of you. You dreamed I loved you, Offered you my name. Mine was as bad, dear- I dreamed the same. Landlady-You are a wolf in sheep's clothing. Drunk-'Taint so, I don' wear cheap clothes. HAVE YOU MET CUTIE & MARIE? Come in and let us introduce them to you. If you enjoy dancing you will like them. OTHER GOOD NUMBERS ARE Carolina Blues Three O'Clock in Morning My Mammy Knows Angel Child Taylor Music Co. What Is Water Japan? JAPAN-not the country but a metal-coat- ing varnish-and your morning bottle of milk. Totally unlike, yet associated I Ordinary japan consists of a tough, rubbery, tar-like "base" and a highly inflammable "solvent." The solvent dilutes the base so that the metal may be coated with it easily. The presence of the solvent involves considerable fire risk, especially in the baking oven. Milk is a watery fluid containing suspended particles of butter fat, so small that one needs the ultra-microscope to detect them. An insolu, ble substance held permanently in suspension in a liquid in this manner is in "colloidal suspension." The principle of colloidal suspension as demonstrated in milk was applied by the Re- search Laboratories of the General Electric Company to develop Water Japan. In this compound the particles of japan base are col loidally suspended in water. The fire risk vanishes. So the analysis of milk has pointed the way to a safe japan. Again Nature serves industry. Connected with the common things around us are many principles which may be applied to the uses of industry with revolutionary results. As Hamlet said, "There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." General Electric Company General Office Schenectady, N. Y. 95-479.J THE SHOWME for MARCH Shown in Tan and Brown Calf Smoke & Brown Calf White Buck and Patent Leather Saddle Strap effects Bench made, plain 'toe Oxfords. $11.00 Occasions: Street Semi-Dress Comfort and Sport "The Pall Mall" Here they are fellows. They are just the clogs you see on so many feet around these parts. Quite the berries for all informal occasions. Hand sewed, flexible leather soles. You know they are right They come from LEVY'S "QUALITY FOOTWEAR" Keep your eye on our windows Ye College Romance. I Met'er II Want'er III Got'er VI Had'er . J. And now comes the Spring When one wants to Let us take care of your feet. Mrs. Asquith says that flappers are merely re- sults of the war. Shades of Sherman! A college for dogs has been established in Wis- consin. An educated dog is guaranteed by the institution. Education is certainly going to the dogs in Wisconsin. Now is the time for all good men-Oh why, oh why do the good men never come? get out and take a walk which of course ends at the PALMS THE SHOWME for MARCH 5 6 THE SHOWME for MARCH An Experienced Hand. THE SHOWME for MARCH A SONG OF THE MIRE! Hear how the family skeleton clicks, swayed in the winds of politics; it moans of T. N. E. and Chi, and, yea, of Kappa Beta Phi! A wailing cry now rends the heaven, Q. E. B. H. vs Mystical Seven! You candidates must learn to dodge, lest ye receive a mud massage, for many'deeds are being done beneath the darkened midnight sun. The skeleton's bones will shake and roll as the family ghost goes for a stroll and there will be much fren.,ied talk as Mr. Ghost takes his nightly icalk. The old glad hand, the cherry coke, campaigning boys will soon be broke, a little mud, a few hot rocks, your fate is in the ballot box. And, brother, may you never find that the same little box has been neatly lined! Among the passing throng one notes the man who swings two hundred votes; this other man, the night scouts say, rules the third floor of the Y. M. C. A. Ah, there's a girl who hasn't signed; wyinell can't she make up her mind? Say, listen, Freshman, Lord of Hosts, don't nail those things on the telegraph posts! His platform; Buddy, listen here; no school at all and four per cent beer! Sure, he's the guy, not one of these cranks; just sign here, partner, many thanks. Oh, larceny and sweet sedition, won't you please sign my petition? The boys are off, they're going hard, but please stay in your own back yard, don't throw no rocks or drink no gin, and Oscar, may the best man win. And now fare forth to yearly battle, get out, you skeleton, AND RATTLE! THE SHOWME for MARCH TRIOLET OF REVERY "You think I think, my dear," said he, "The fact is I do not. When thus I stare so vacantly You think I think", said he. "You think I think you flatter me To sit and talk. That's what You think I think, my dear," said he. "The fact is, I do not." THE SHOWME for MARCH 9 APOLOGIES TO LIFE "Good morning, Mr. Candidate." "Good morning, Mr. Showme. Can I knock you for a row of anything?" "Not at all, Mr. Candidate. All 1 want is some information. What I would like to know is simp ly this: what the double blank are you running for anyway?" "Merely for fun, Mr. Showme. I am running for the fun and the publicity." "A noble answer. And are you the same bashful, retiring man that yot were last year? Is a wild and much admiring public clamoring for you, and are you giving up the privacy for which you have long- *ed in vain for so many years for the arduous tasks of a campaign?" "How did you know it so well?" "It was so stated in an advertisement which appeared the other night. You intimated that although your health was poor and although you were flunking in three subjects, yet you would take upon yourself the additional strain of serving the student body." "Did I really say that, Mr. Showme?" "I suppose it was your campaign manager, really and -" "But am I my campaign manager's keeper, M . Showme?" "Of course not, Mr. Candidate. They are merely convenient animals to do the work and take the blame. And of course several hundred students have come to you personally to ask the privilege of vot- ing for you, have they not?" "Yes indeed. You have it exactly right." "You have declared yourself against the abominable practices of button-holing, bull-dozing, vote- trading and the like?" "Absolutely, irrevocably, undeniably. I stand for those great principles of justice and right which have made us what we are today. I believe in a student government of the students, by the students, and for the student president. I stand firm upon those great -" "Magneloquent, sesquipidalian! We donate you advertising space on the next to the last page of the next Showme. You are certain that all these principles will be lived up to?" "My campaign manager assures me they will be, Mr. Showme." "But are you your campaign manager's keeper, Mr. Candidate? And is the campaign keeping within the limit of the existing rule that no more than twenty dollars shall be spent on a campaign?" "I am keeping that rule faithfully. I myself have spent no more than $6.79 so far, although I fear that my over-zealous supporters have gone rather far in the matter of cards, buttons, cigars, advertise- ments and the like. I myself, however, have not gone beyond the limit." "Fine, Mr. Candidate, fine. I am rejoiced that student politics have taken such a turn for the bet- ter. And as your own campaign manager says, you are yourself responsible for much of the reform. Good-day, Mr. Candidate." "Good-day, Mr. Showme." Famous Rocks. Granite Gibralter Hot Rocks Rock and Rye. Rock piles Rock-a-Bye-Baby Gallstones. "You beat my time," said the victim as the hold-up man slugged him in the vest-pocket. "This il a pretty dirty-one to pull off," said the public speaker, as he prepared to change his shirt. Our campaign cry: Whose little vote are you? 10 THE SHOWME for MARCH HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION To win an election the following rules will be found both helpful and useful. First, always tip your hat to all the co-eds on the campus 'whether you know them or not. They may not feel flattered and give you an artic stare but keep it up-It attracts attention. Always stag at all Razzer Dances and Assemblies. This gives you an opportunity to meet all the girls on the floor. Don't wait to be Introduced -Il you don't know a girl cut-in on her anyway. You can't be a politician and be proud. Attend Sunday School regularly ann always make a talk. This latter will prove helpful in your ramnpalKn. Stick by one Sunday School and get to be treasurer if you can. Adopt a "cheer- ful religious" attitude, and ble deeply concerned with the great moral issues of the campus. Start shaking hands, thoroughly and be sure not to even look like you want- ed an office. Pretty soon everyone will be saying, "What is he rulnning for?" Don't admit anything, and lIt 'eml talk-it's good advertising, Adopt a prominent street corner where you can stand with coat well back. You should always wear your fraternity pin in your pocket here and all non-fratters will fall for you. It you can't wear a hardware decoratert vest, cuss out the Greeks. The result will be the same. You now have a fairly firm founda- ,(lon and should come out with a plat- form. After you have your bills print- ted you can throw your *memoran- dum away as you will not need it af- ter you are elected, A platform is Just something to get in on. "Let not your left hand-etc-" but keep one hand lily white and the other deep In the mud. )evelop a good "line". Profess a stainless character. Quote your record (use your imagina- tion here) and be pained and hurt when anyone accuses you of mud sllng- infg. Make your speech to the masses (your campaign manager is responsi- ble for the content) and egt well work- ed up about traditions and the glories of the past-stay away from the future. Speak in a well modulated voice, get 'next to 'em and make 'em feet you're one of 'em. And then if there seems to be any doubt about your election--STUIFI, THE BALLOT BOX. You are now ready to put the Student body in debt, get a lot of newspaper publicity free and make yourself comfortable for the next year. THE SHOWME for MARCH 11 DISILLUSIONMENT We used to Believe That when we got to college and offered HER our frat pin, she would out-blush the well-known rose and whisper, "I am yours, forever and even.. " That a library was a more or less dignified institution connected with books and tip-toeing folk .... That a box-car was a large car resembling a box which ran on wheels. That "petting" was associated with cats and dogs ..... That a "line" was that which was thrown out to catch suckers on. That a kiss meant engagement .. .. We never knew what "necking" was until she slapped us. Quick, Watson, the Lantern. Diogenes was a Silly old Dub. He spent his Life In an old Bath-tub. What we Can't seem To get Just right .Is WHAT DID HE DO ON SATURDAY NIGHT. "Practical jokes are all right," philosophized the missionary whom the Fiji Islanders were bury- ing alive, "but you are running this one into the ground." College-a place where a young man goes to learn the art of cashing wooden checks, and a wom- an to select a husband. But Now We Know- That when we did offer her our frat pin, she merely stopped chewing her gum long enough to ask, "Is it jeweled?" That a library is a hard-heeled proposition where dates are cinched and hosiery is exposed for approval .... That it is still large but that it stands upright and walks on two legs. That it is still associated with the former. . . . That it still is ..... That if it does, the Lord pity America's col- legiate manhood ..... That she knows. ..... -V. A. W. "Stars and Stripes Forever" Lots of people about the campus are getting the Cosmopolitan Club and the Red Book Club confused. Beware the brides of March. 12 THE SHOWME for MARCH SHOWME Published by Students of the University of Missouri THE SHOWME, Room 506, Guitar Building Vol. II, No. 7 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year Exclusive rights for the use of any of the text in this publication for Motion Picture reproduction is reserved for the Intercollegiate Film Com- lany (or an assignee). THE STAFF ARCH RODGERS ................................Managing Editor. LYLE WILSON .......-......-............-.............Literary Editor. GERALD F. PERRY ........................................ ArtEditor. F. P. GASS ............................................Literary Editor. FRANK HOUSTON ........................................ Art Editor. ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT Alfred Egan, Mgr. J. W. Brown, Jr. James Boyle BUSINESS DEPARTMENT ERNEST D. GARTH, Mgr. ASSISTANTS Fritz Schroeder William Armstrong W. McAfee Spencer Shore CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT L. C. Kassebaum, Mgr. Paul Diggle Nelson J. Riley V. A. Wyatt A. T. Arn Calvin McDonald Wiley Padan Waverly Hays J. Q. Adams Lawrence Freeman Dorothy Roe Eugenia Dodd Marguerite Barnett Isabel Forte O. Johnson Isabel Dooley James Patton L. F. P. D. Keens With this number, the Showme completes its second year of existence. It was founded with the be lief that a humorous magazine would be well supported at Missouri University, that there was lacking an instrument of expression of the effervescence that is a part of college days. That belief has been borne out by the brief career of the Showme. In its two years, it has grown, spread all over the state and be- yond, and now stands upon no unstable legs. Its success has been attested by several things. The Showme is quoted frequently in the page of Judge devoted to college publications. This is a tribute to the Showme's originality. Several pages of the annual anthology, "College Humor," were taken from the Showme. In general, the opinion expressed on the campus has been favorable. The Showme is now one of THE SHOWME for MARCH 13 the authorized activities of the University, and as such, has been accorded its place in the Savitar. It is filling successfully a recognized .need. The Showme feels satisfied; it hopes that you do. The Student Council is to be commended for its stand in regard to the campus advertising of political candidates. For years past at election times the bulletin boards and the scenery around the campus have been one long screain of "Vote For Twaddle" and "Support Twiddle". Political rings and candidates have striven too outdo Ringling Brothers and Barnum in advertising when they had nothing unusual to advertise. Students have been overwhelmed with a surplus of literature and promises, but they have never been struck dumb with the magnitude of results. SHOWME supports no candidate and is vassal to no organization. If the Family Skeleton is talking to you, grin and bear it. Let us suggest as a parting shot that the men in power next year make an effort to get rid of certain organizations whose dominance on the campus is now waning perceptibly. Go to it boys, there are plenty of good jobs for good men. SHOWME notes with growing consternation and envy, the A. W. O. L. of such of our estimable contemporaries as the Columbia Jester and the Yale Record. SHOWME vaguely wonders in passing whether or not such world-famous artists as Coles Phillips, T. L. Sullivant, Ralph Barton, Harrison Fisher, Jack Held have become amateurs or have our above rivals decided to enter the professional. field. If it is the latter, SHOWME again wonders how long it will be before they will be inserting in their editorial flags and on the outside covers such inscriptions as "On sale at any self-respecting newstand any place where people have a sense of humor and-two bits!" In the face of such professional competition SHOWME meekly crawls back in its hole and enters protest for a "Back to Our Own Class of Amateur College Comics" revival. The Showme is preparing to enter the ranks of the text-books grafters. Negotiations have already been entered into with several local book-stores, and they have expressed themselves as satisfied with a profit of forty per cent. This, on the whole, is quite reasonable compared with former contracts they have made. Luther Burbank has nothing on them when it comes to profitable grafting. Of course, the text-book, which we have titled "A Textbook in Humor," (we thought this an espe cially unusual and snappy title,) will pass through all the usual stages. First, our students will be forced to copy several volumes of notes. Second, these notes, expanded and augmented, will appear in incorrect and totally unreadable mimeographed sheets. Finally will come our full-fledged text-book, which we will prescribe in all our courses. The curriculum we had planned is as follows: If and w. HUMOR. General theory of what is funny and' what is not. Included in this course is a history of stale jokes, together with a theory of constructing new ones. 5 hrs. 6f and w. PUNS. Special emphasis is laid upon the time tried, trite, but truthful axiom thlat all that is punny is not funny. 3 hrs. 40w. JOKES. This includes such subjects as Wise Cracks, Deep Ones, He-and-she Remarks, Em- barrassing Breaks and the like. 2 hrs. 101f and w. YANKEE HUMOR: An inclusive study of American humorists. 101f and w. CONTINENTAL HUMOR. English Dry Stuff, German Grotesque, French Bur- lesque, Russian Blood and Thunder types. 2 hrs. 197f. SATIRE. The art of the hot resort, refined mud-slinging, catty cracks and the like are taught. 2 hrs. 203sp. SEMINAR. Individual research. Spencer's "Anatomy of Laughter" will be used as a guide. 2, 3, or 4 hrs. 500f and w. LABORATORY. At this point, actual work may be done upon the Showme. No credit will be allowed. As a special inducement for this course, we will state that there are no laboratory fees, the work is simple and pleasant, and you will enjoy the association masters in the subject. Results are not guaran- teed. 14 THE SHOWME for MARCH SHOWME'S CANDIDATES Ananias U. Stringem for President Is one of the stronger figures on the campus, and a menmber of most of the organizations of the school. Says he will stand firm upon any plat- form anyone may wish to bring him. Owen B. Ode for Treasurer Promises a 50c bonus to each stu- dent in the University, to he raised by a poll tax of $1.00. He thinks the bonus is the coming issue in politics. Carrot S. Soup for Secretary. Promises the student body some pep. Knows quite a number of little known parlor tricks, among which is that of making an egg stand on end. Goshen J. Goshall for Recreation Manager. One of the leaders of the social set. Promises to open a soda fountain and a ladies billiard and smoking par- lor in Jesse Hall. George Jones for Dog Catcher. Has been president of his Sunday School class, and has a button for at tendance. Says that college morals are going to the dogs, and feels that his office can be made much of. Oscar J. Piffle for Councilman. Has a wonderful athletic record, and feels that he can handle any mat- ter which may come up in his term of office. THE SHOWME for MARCH 15 Constitutional Amendments. Showme notes a growing sentiment in the platforms of many of the budding William Jennings and Henry Clays to promise the adoption of two very significant amendments to the student consti- tution. Typical examples of these promised re forms follow: Section VII.-From henceforth hereafter, suit- able provision shall be made for the establislhment of a Memorial to be known as the Memorial for the Care of Worn-out Politicians of the University of Missouri. Membership to this Memorial shall prescribe (1) that the candidate shall not have ad mitted his excellence; (2) that he shall not have stated his unselfishness in serving the school and (3) that he shall not have voted for himself. In the case of also-rans who have lost control of reason through continuous defeats, they shall be accepted on general principles. Section VIII.-That all duly registered and eligible ghosts in the University at time of election shall be allowed one vote. Their state of existence shall be determined by a series of suitable tests de- vised by the Department of Psychology. They must swear before a notary that under no circum- stances will they appear before competing politi- cians and attempt to pull the Hamlet gag. To pre- vent a ghost combine, ghosts registered in the Ag school shall not be given the suffrage. Moonlight Melodies. Slim young Bert was a soda squirt, And Mayme was his jazzbaby frail: And they muttered anew, (and they meant it, too,) The line that will never grow stale. They sat one night on a bench in the park, (It was rather too close, too, I must remark,) Their only light was a distant arc, And the moon shone bright as day. He said, "It's uncertain to kiss In the dark, - it's a hit or a miss." "Don't think," said she, "Of the miss," said she. * * * * * * * * * * * And the moon shone bright as day. "This is sure a helluva hole," remarked the man who had fallen down the well. Such Is Life. A day of gloom, A bed of white, And thou Beside me, With a-thermometer. What's In a Name? Oh, modern woman, many and varied are the epithets with which your weaker rival has attempt- ed to designate you. Well, may we summarize them quoting old Bill Shakespeare at the same time: "A woman by any other name would be as sweet .... . 1. damsel 2. slave 3. hussey 4. fair lady 5. light of my existence 6. beacon of my hope 7. broad 8. cookie 9. frail 10. plain, ordinary-girl. The skeleton rattled his bones meditatively and looked at Joe as he lay sleeping. Joe stirred. The skeleton rattled more audibly, and spoke in an ex- cavatory tone, "Come on, Joe," and he rattled again. "Shoot," murmured Joe, "you're faded." "You tell 'em, kid," said the salesgirl as she wrapped up the gloves. POLITICS FOR Get acquanted with all the emblems on the campus Here are a few of the more important ones. This should enable you to design one of your own. If you p1ayed "chalk the corner" in your youth it will be a great help to you in attaining political eminence. Always get a distinctive spot for your organization Here are four that are being used successfully THE BEGINNER Make a extended and rather complete study of th ehieroglyphics. Chinese etc.-etc.-An essential to be a member of good standing in a political fraternity. It isn't necessary for it to mean anything, but it mystifies the uninitiated. Learn to yodel at the moon Learn to hide your pin in unsuspected places 18 THE SHOWME for MARCH She (romantically)-They say that the ocean's roar is really the moaning of its countless victims. He (practically)-Sounds fishy to me. Standard Form for Campaign Expenses. Form 236xr79W I. Campaign expenses: 1. Pledge pins for supporters $...... 2. Elastic for supporters...... 3. Speech for acceptance. II. Expenses of campaign: 1. Speech illustrating my good points ..... 2. Same.... 3. Shoes half-soled...... 4. Taxi ... III. Miscellaneous: 1. Grafts on the above Printed by the University Publisher. Order by ream In-The Arch of Titus was the highest in Rome. Out-And like as not his father was flat footed. Shades of Caesar. lHe came He saw He conquered. So they married And started to keep 1-Jouse, But he wearied And became a joiner Of the lodges: B. P. 0. E. I. ). O. F. W. O. W. He stayed out night after Night until she wearied And through one Night She waited for him In the doorway With a rolling pin In either hand.. He came, He saw But She conquered! -An Epicure. Hooray! ! First Landlord-Why do you weep? Second ditto (looking at restraining order)-I can't raise the rent. "And A Bone and A Hank o' Hair" "How was your date last night?" "Fine as silk." "What did you do?" "Just sat around and chewed the rag." First Befuddled: "You can't put on tie lights punching the bell. Punch the switch; can't cha tell 'em apart." Second B.: "Now, can't tell which is switcl.'" In Geology. "I fell down on today's assignment." "What was it?" "Snow and ice." THE SHOWME for MARCH 19 An Hour's Date-More or Less-With any Cake Eater. 20 THE SHOWME for MARCH An Artistic Touch I seen To stay The dean In school Today. Is fool- Says he Ishness To me, For me, "I say, So he, Old top, I guess, Just stop Spoke true. This fool- The U Ishness." And I I guess Must part. It's school I start He meant. Tonight. I went away. I'm quit- I know Ting it, It's so All right. "Fadder, teacher says dat everyone should take some interest in financial affairs." "Dat is right, but no shentleman vill take less dan ten per cent." That man is no longer a boy when his muscles do not tug and his nerves tingle as the fire engines go racing by. Keep Your Head. In negotiating a date, remember that a verbal con- tract is binding up to six months. The following rules will come in handy should you decide to throw away your money, instead of squandering it on your- self: 1.-Above all things, keep your head; so many lose theirs. 2.-Don't make any promise you expect to ful- fill. If you do you will make it harder for us. Above all, keep your head; you will find it a handy thing to have around. 3.-Don't act enthused. Anthony lost Cleo by becoming too enthusiastic. Above all, keep your head. He didn't. 4.-Make all arrangements yourself. It'll cost you, if you let her make plans. Above all, keep your head. 5.-Speak gently, but firmly. Indecision cost General Fabius his job. Above all, keep your head. 6. Don't say "May I come out." Say "I'm com- ing out." This attitude won Napoleon many wives and battles. Above all, keep your head. 7.-When she says, "I have a date", appear in- different and for gosh sake, KEEP YOUR HEAD. -V. A. W. He-I could tell a joke, but I don't know whether I should or not. She-Risky? He-How do you spell it? THE SHOWME for MARCH 21 FAMOUS POLITICIANS Moses Julius Caesar George III Net Loss. Gosh I wish the girl who Sits in front of me in Logic Would comb her hair. All thru class I sit Dreamily enwrapped In a floating maze of golden hair Beautiful dreams Or rare old gold And ancient brass icons And yellow buttercups. And then Mr. Matthews snorts "Did you get that point, sir?" To me. And I stutter Racing miles and miles in moments From my daisied fields Or moonlit hillsides And hie me back To the crass plain In comprehensibility of logic. And the cloud of golden hair Laughs. Gosh I wish the girl who Sits in front of me in Logic Would comb her hair. -Pop A. Cowe. Among those we'd like an epitaph for is the man who thinks you mean it when you say, "Oh, let me pay that check." Dub: Did you know that P. Gee's father ran a syrup factory? Blub: Why, of course, isn't P. Gee a typical slicker ? "I'm taking a hearer's course." "Yes? Has your hearing improved yet?" Our Monthly Cheerful Story. The manager of the morgue was frankly dis- mayed. There was no one to claim a rather handsome corpse which had been found floating down the river. There was a striking individuality about this certain cadavre. . . . he kept his mouth open continually. The morgue manager secured a piece of cord with which he deftly tied the lower jaw to the upper. Presently a woman in black entered. "Yes," she said upon being shown the hand- some corpse, "This is my Jim, just as he was in life." At this juncture, the cord broke and the jaw dropped down, leaving the mouth wide open. "Wait," she exclaimed, "this man has false teeth, he is not my Jim," and so she departed much grieved and very angry. As she left, the jar of the door caused the lid of the coffin to slam shut. "Well," muttered the manager of the morgue, "You haven't got any kick coming; if you'd kept your confounded mouth shut, you would have had a decent burial." -F. P. G.-V. A. W. Owed to a Dead Love. Hark! The beautiful college co-ed writes In her note-book. List! Her pencil sweeps o'er the pages In her feverish haste. Hear! She pauses, and into her dreamy Blue eyes, comes the ghost of a dead love. Slowly drifting by. Come! Let us peep over her dainty shoulder and See what beautiful thoughts Of love are written there. We looked and saw this: "Add two tablespoons of salt and stir well." This is a fast world it is said-right, and part of it is fast in the rut. FAMOUS HANDSHAKERS Moses Julius Caesar George III THE SHOWME for MARCH Hands Across the See. There was a city maiden And she had a city swagger; She wore a city teddy And she danced a city stagger. But,- She mnet a hardware salesman, And became the salesman's wife; And now she trundles go-carts And is satisfied with life. THE SHOWME for MARCH 23 Standard Love Sonnet O, (give hefrname) you're Number One with me. No (blond, brunette) could e'er win me from you. (Mark properly), I swear I will be true Through years and years of happy constancy. Your form is (slender, short, or heavenly) Your eyes of (grey, or green or brown or blue) (Mark the color) that, my dear's the hue That is my favorite and aye will be. And (bridge or the piano) you can play. Your (cooking, dancing, golf) I think is fair; You have good (sense, or looks) I'm proud to say. In what it takes to win me, you're right there. You (are or will be) rich; in every way I really think we'd make a handsome pair. -F. P. G. Mrs. C.-Don't you stay in the room when your daughter has company anymore? Mrs. D.-No; I'm trying the honor system. -Exchange The average college man's conception of classi- cal music. . . . . . Hearts and Flowers. Service and Safety are prime essentials in a bank. We offer you both. The Boone County National Bank R. B. Price, Pres. STYLED FOR YOUNG MEN FEATURE DERBY- One of the new Stetsons setting the styles for Spring. Medium crown and round, open curl. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia MEN You get more Style and Quality when you buy our Florsheim Spring Ox- fords at $10.00 than from any other make on the market. SAPP BROS. Also the newest novelty creations in women's footwear. THE SHOWME for MARCH Millers Special Showing of Early Spring Styles Watch Our Watch Our Windows Millers Windows 800 Broadway ?? IF ?? A Baseball Outfit Guns and Ammunition or Implements for the Lawn and Garden visi t RENIE HARDWARE STORE 14 North 8th Street "Mother May We Have More" Central Dairy Ice Cream Made of pure,rsweet cream Phone 819 Dizzy Izzy rocked the boat; Dizzy Izzy couldn't float. Exit Dizzy. Funeral note. Census Taker-" lave you any brothers?" Little Boy-"One." C. T.-"Does he live here?" L. B.--"Naw, he goes to college." C. T.-"Any sisters?" L. B.-"One." C. T.-"Does she work?" L. B.-"Naw, she don't do nuthin' neither." -Banter. The trouble with love is that it won't remain, blind. -.-.lMedley.. I asked if I could see her home. (O, where's my four-leaf clover?) She smiled and very sweetly said: "Why yes, come up and look it over." -EIxchange, THE SHOWME for MARCH 25 YOUR FAVORITE Cigar Magazine Toothpaste Kodak Developing too Anything a drugstore should have You'll Find At The Virginia Pharmacy 109 S. 9th "We Try To Please" Phone 724 Most students celebrate Dad's day once a month-Sun Dial. The Flapper-"Oh, mother, can I go to the masquerade tomorrow as a milkmaid?" Mother-"No, child, you are too small." T. F.-"Then can I go as a condensed milk- maid ?" -Voo Doo. Practically all of a chiropractors receipts may be referred to as back pay. You will never think the landlady has served up the family skeleton if she buys her meats from Richards'. Government inspection guarantees that all Rich- ards' meat products are free from taint. Order Now---Wear It Easter You can afford to skimp on anything but quality. Be sure you get it in your Easter suit. That's the only kind of clothes we sell. Ed. V. Price and Co. You'll often be asked that famous question. Who's Your Tailor? Grant Forsythe Virginia Building Distinctive Printing- If it's the best printing you want, this is the place to get it. Regardless of the amount of time we have to do your work it will receive the same care- ful attention that has made our place known as the home of better printing. For something that's different, our embossing is exactly what you want. We do this work in any color and it's sure to please the most particular person. We use the Franklin Printing Price List which insures a fair price to all. J. Guy McOuitty 911 E. Broadway "Quick Printer" Phone 930-B 26 THE SHOWME for MARCH That Gift Occasion You have an occasional necessity for pre- senting a relative or friend with some re- membrance. It may be that most gladsome of all oc- casions-a wedding. Or it may be a birthday or graduation gift. But whatever the occasion we ask you to remember that this store is always ready to meet your every requirement in way of gifts. When a gift occasion presents itself, visit this store. Lindsey The only thing assured of a place in the son is the unprotected mince pie on the window sill. One of our contemporaries has been suspended for publishing a liquor joke. Well, a smell of any of this bootleg embalming fluid would convince ev- en the most hardened stomach that it is no laugh- ing matter. Some men never feel themselves absolutely out of place until they undertake a shopping tour with a woman. Skillful Craftsmanship and Good Taste Parsons Studio "I wish he'd keep the windows closed." "Why ?" "Because if it got close in here he might get next to himself." "Guess I'll let my mustache grow in." "You mean 'Out'." "No, in. If I wiggle my lips I'll have a tooth- brush." "Is it risky?" "Risky, eh? How do you spell it?" Best Food and Correct Cooking Means A Sunday Night Dinner Par Excellence COLLEGE INN THE SHOWME for MARCH 27 Don't Forget The Tavern Billiard Parlor where Equipment is the Best Joe Aker, Prop. Just--- A little better service and the best cars in town CALL 491 25c per passenger Day & Night We Show You that our prices on Varsity Jewelry are cheaper Henningers' If Methuselah could read some of. the joke magazines published today he would probably say that the world has changed very little. Man makes jokes about woman because he doesn't know any other way to get back at her. The drinking song of fhe bacchantes of today sounds like a funeral dirage. IMMEDIATE ATTENTION That's what your transfer orders get when given to us. Our service is big enough to take care of a vast volume of business without inconveniencing any one patron. When you want it and where you want it, is our motto. Your property is safe in our hands. We make reasonable charges. Rummans Transfer Co. Phone 470 28 THE SHOWME for MARCH The home of that famous Eskimo Pie made only by the White Eagle Dairy Company It's a lonesome girl who never has a torn hair- net. -Jade. Politics is with us. Which mud puddle are you in? In the spring a young man's fancy Vest is brought forth from its hook, And by wondrous necromancy Is cleaned and pressed by the Irish cook. To solve your serving problem for that large dinner or luncheon, arrange for the Harris' Tea Room. It will seat comfortably parties numbering up to F I F T Y And the most delightful thought is that Harris' quality food will make the party a certain success. No extra charge for use of the Tea Room. Harris' Perfection in Confection Millard & Sisson Whither Bound, Cupid? "When I married you I thought you were an angel." "So, that's why you never buy me any clothes." -Sun Dial. "She thinks she's ,beautiful." "And the rest of the people who think so could hold a convention in a telephone booth." -Purple Parrot Oh, boy, Snap your Fingers and shout that music's by the Moonlight Orchestra Bill Fox, Mgr. Phone 472 THE SHOWME for MARCH 29 Fix Up Your Room We can supply you with anything Electrical Platt Electrical Co. Show-me's Primer. Yes, Hubert, this is a chair. It is made of wood which is hard and comes from the for-est. It is used to keep a man which has two legs from sit-ting on the floor. Some chairs do not sit still but rock, instead. These are cal-led rock-ing-chairs although they do not rock with-out being sat on. It is like a wom-an and is not de-pendable. In China, the peo-ple which are many, do not trust chairs for these rea-sons and pre-fer to sit on mats which sit on the floor. All chairs have seats. -V. A. W. By Your Actions Are Ye Judged Wherefore It Behooves You to Take Her to the Tavern Drug Co. "Kitty" Lightner "Tom" Heath Visit Our GOLF GOODS Department Snappy New Golfing Apparel and Golf Accessories Sand B Clo. Co Sykes E Broadhead The Home of A. .G. Spalding Golf Clubs There was a young man named Farrel, Who had but one suit and a barrel; So he kept his suit prest Like all of the rest By sending it down to HARRELL Phone 381 30 THE SHOWME for MARCH Distinctive Creations in Suits and Sweaters for Spring Wear Fredendall's Phone 85 716-718 Broadway STUDENTS- If you are hungry for some good home cooking like you get back home when mother is in charge, Stop at Burnham Cafe (Next to Hall Theater) You will enjoy the food, the prices and service will please you. VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP (Opposite Hall Theatre) HARLAN C. PRATHER, Prop. Hair Cut, 35c Shave, 15c Virginia Building South Ninth Street Perhaps He Was From the Bologna Chapter? Young Lady (pointing to picture of Sir Gala- had)-Who is that in that picture? New Pledgee-Oh, that's one of the old fel- lows, I don't know his name. -Medley. The sun was hot upon the beach, Her suit was little sister's. They thought she was having a wncderful time, but All is not bliss that blisters. -Awgwan. The Missouri Store Is at your service when your needs demand Books Books or Golf Equipment THE SHOWME for MARCH 31 Hetzler Brothers Columbia Missouri Trade Mark The Store Which Upholds The Standard of Columbia's Products Two Is a Crowd. Bill-I certainly did wrong when I told my that I admired her chin. Sill-How's that? Bill-She started raising another one. -Gargoyle. "What kind of a cigar is that?" "It is called 'The Soldier Boy.' " "Um-m-m, I noticed it belonged to the ranks." -Tar Baby. H OW many shirts have you that you don't wear because there is a but- ton missing? SEWING on buttons is just one of the ways we help you besides washing your clothes clean Dorn-Cloney Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Phone 116 Someone lit a joss-stick near the thirteenth mir- ror on the ladies' side of the long reception hall. "I smell punk!" roared the Duchess of Great Neck, mopping her chins. "Don't you, though?" chuckled Lord Clarence Saxophone of Merrie Manor, leaving actively for another room. -Jack-o-Lanterli. She-I could die waltzing. He-Excuse me while I speak to the orchestra leader. -Dodo. Specializing in Apparel for The College Miss Calling particular attention to our showing of Sweaters - Waists - Skirts - Dresses For sport and mid-summer wear New garments arriving daily Branham's Broadway at 10th St. 32 THE SHOWME for MARCH The Favorite Indoor Sport? You're Wrong! We knew you would be IT'S POOL You'd have known if you had ever dropped in and seen the mob at the Recreation Parlor Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th Street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records. STUDENTS Did you ever have enough money? JOIN OUR SAVINGS CLUB Drop in-make yourself at home- Exchange National Bank For Sore Throat, Tonsilitis, and as a Daily Mouth Wash--- Sodiphene Trade Mark Registered "'irst Aid for the Family " More Than an Antiseptic--- A Germicide For Mouth Wash and Gargle, dilute one part Sodiphene to three parts water. Sodiphene is economical! Don't take chances with SoreThroat and tonsilitis, which easily follow winter exposure after the dance or the athletic games. Sodiphene, as a gargle, is effective for these forms of cold and as a preventive. A daily mouth wash of Sodiphene is not only a safeguard against Sore Throat and Tonsilitis, but a protec- tion against other contagions which enter through the mouth and nose. Men who are troubled with "smoker's throat", will appreciate the healing and soothing ef- fects resultant from gargling with Sodiphene. A clean, invigorating taste is left in the mouth. Sodiphene is not only an antiseptic but a germ- icide, destroying germ life. It is economical because it is used in diluted form for the gargle and daily mouth wash. Ask your druggist for any of these three sizes: 3-oz., 25c; 7-oz. 50c, and 16-oz. $1. THE SODIPHENE COMPANY Manufacturing Laboratories-Kansas City, Missouri Greylock A Smart Little Arrow Collar For Young Men Cluett, Peabody & Co. Inc. Troy, N.Y.