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Turkey Day Number
Volume I. No. 2
November 23, 1920
TWEEDIE BOOT-TOP CO.
Taylor Music Co.
THRESHER-FULLER GRAIN CO.
THE USUAL COURTESY
"Brokesley," said the grocery keeper to the dead-
beat who was planning to move out of the communi-
ty; "I don't believe you will ever pay me what you
owe me. It isn't worth while to sue you for it, and
you have nothing I care to attach. I will simply give
you a receipt and call it paid."
"Fine of you," said Brokesley.
A few minutes after, seeing that Brokesley still
lingered about the merchant said: "Was there some-
thing you wish to speak to me about ?"
"Not especially, but ain't it customary to give a
feller a cigar when his account's settled?"
THREE ARMED BANDITS
That's too many arms!
November 23, 1920
The Showme is issued monthly by the Showme staff,
composed of students of the University of Missouri, at
Columbia, Mo. Subscription price, $1.75 a year or thirty-
live cents a copy when purchased from news-stands. Application for entry as second-class matter at the post
office at Columbia, Mo. pending.
"Why did they arrest the blind
"The cop saw him blush when
the co-ed passed by."
The Apple of His Eye.
A peach came walking down the
She was more than passing fair
A smile, a nod, a half closed eye,
And the peach became a pair.
Columbia's Art Shop
"Why do you require so much
money?" asked the irate father.
"I don't require it, father," was
the reply, "it's the people I owe."
The Dear Girls!
Jennie-Dick didn't blow his
brains out when you rejected
him. He came around and pro-
posed to me.
Jeanette-Well, he must have
gotten rid of them some other
way, then.-Stanford Chaparral.
"Stockings?" said the sales-
man. "Yes, madame. What
number do you wear?"
"Why, two, of course," said the
sweet young thing.
Rounder 1: What are we do-
Rounder 2: Let's go over to
the cemetery and dig up a couple
of girls. -Record.
Boob: Why do we always
meet on this corner?
Boober: It must be because
we are both here at the same
To the Students
of the University of Missouri
Your clothes, your hats, your furnishings, they
should come from this store, where quality is the first
Clothes for youing men are arriving each day.
These garments are made of the finest American and
foreign woolens, hand tailored by the best makers of
ready-to-wear clothes. Discriminating dressers
among young men who want real hand tailored clothes
which means lasting style, find real satisfaction in
Hats and Haberdashery, it is here that the very
newest and most exclusive styles developed by makers
who are famous for their leadership are revealed.
Here are Neckwear, Shirts, Hosiery, Underwear,
Gloves, etc., that contribute to correct dress of the man
who seeks something out of the commonplace. Here
one will find the foremost American and foreign creations--all chosen with one idea in view--to give the fin-
ishing touches that distinguish the well-groomed
Priced in keeping with present conditions.
We wish to thank you for past favors
Very truly yours,
Sanford Jacobs & James Leppe.
8th & Olive,
St. Louis, Mo.
'Twas in New England, fdi away, 'we first observed Thanksgiving Day.
The good Lord Mayor of Plymouth town, who 'had no sorrows ripe to drown,
did step into his limousine and cry, "James, give her gasoline! Today we go unto
the woods to view the borough's worldly goods. The Lord has blessed us with-
good crops, we've lots of barley, rye, and hops; with food and clothes to last for
years, to Russia with the profiteers. No striking mob has e'er been seen cavorting
on our village green,'but peace and quietude together are camping on our hea:th
and heather. The Indians offer no intrigsue, they won the pennant in their league.
We have no income tax to pay, let this be our Thanksgiving Day."
On this great day in Plymouth town the Turkey gained quite some renown.
The frugal housewife swung the ax, and Grandpa got the necks and backs. The
people then had never heard about another dizzy bird who, sad as it seems to
relate, today must share the Turkey's fate. This bird was brought up in a land of
prohibition, wind and sand, where, like the wilds of Labrador, there's nothing to
be thankful for. He's hard to kill, his skin is tough, but watch the Tiger call his
bluff, this bird that feeds on rock and chalk, today you die, KANSAS JAY-
Mizzou's alumni, thick and thin, from bantam weight to triple chin, are
here once more to watch the fray and tuck the Jayhawk gold away. Missouri
spirit, as of yore, will walk abroad and rave and roar, and every loyal sire and son
will fight until the battle's won. We know that page in history that tells of the
sour apple tree; we've got the Jayhawk here to hang, we're with you, men, so
FIGHT 'EM, GANG!
Advance of Civilization in Amusements.
THE FABLE OF THE FASTIDIOUS FISHER.
A Handsome Youth learned during his first Love Affair, which occured soon after he Made the
High Seventh in the Old Ward School, that Even So Early the Budding Flapper would fall for a Diplo-
matic show of Indifference. He carted his Newfound Knowledge to the Prep School chosen for him by
his Prematurely Old, but Loving, Parents. To carry out the Color Scheme of his Chosen Art he early
developed a Winning Line. He read Sport Pages and included a Change of Pace in his repertoire of tricks.
He eased through Prep Life secure in the knowledge that no Woman could make him Show his Cards;
Steady Practice of the Art of missing veiled Hints of Cold Hands and Etc. made his acting Real and he
became Known around the School Town and in His Own Home Burg as the Balanced Rock. Sweet
Girls had A Habit of Weeping after making sure that He alone could satisfy their ideas of Male Compan-
Whispers of these Boudoir Torrents reached his ears.from Time to Time and he felt himself to be
Achilles without the Justly Famous heel.
Although he scorned the Caresses of the Girls About Town he took great interest in his Personal
Adornment, Probably for his Own Amusement. He kept his hair well Oiled and a Crease in his Trousers.
He wore the things that Others Wore and was always Abreast of the Styles. He used his Mother's Hand
Mirror when he wanted to study his Profile before the Pier Glass. He didn't know why the Girls fell for
him but he Guessed there was a Reason.
College claimed him after Father had let it be Known that he Wouldn't send him back to the Prep
School Anyway. Within a week he Knew that an Impressionable Sorority Sister had inquired of one of
the Old Frat brothers about "That Stunningly Blase Freshman" and he felt that he was Getting On.
He didn't go out for Anything except Another Package
of Camels and in time Developed into quite a Parlor Snake.
His youthful Freshness scored Knockouts in many a Pekoe
Drinking Bout but he never stayed for the Count. He wanted
to Watch 'Em fall, Not Feel 'em, was his Quaint way of Ex-
He considered Himself a Tough Roue even if he didn't
Go The Limit. He had an idea that without Prohibition he
could have taken his Fling with Liquor but was forced to
Seek Solace in Spit In The Ocean and Similar games of
Senior Year found him still Aloof and enjoying the Rend-
ing Gurgle of bursting Hearts. Same year found his Class-
mates slipping Solitaire Settings on the Hands they had Been
In The Habit Of Holding, glancing, Furtively, in the Direc-
tion of Honest Employment with which to Support the Fol-
lies of Their Susceptible Hearts.
Our Hero Stood Pat until an Heiress began to Sigh over
his Picture in Last Year's Year Book. Then he Married th,.
Girl and They managed her Millions together.
Moral: He Knew His Eggs.
"Would you consider me for a husband?"
"I wouldn't consider you for a minute."
THE SHOWME, Room 311, Guitar Building
G. H. COMBS, JR., Managing Editor
C. ARCH RODGERS, Literary Editor. GERALD F. PERRY, Art Editor
FRANK HOUSTON, Art Editor
EMIL NATHAN, Business Manager TAYLOR HARNEY, Advertising Manager
WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Circulation Manager
Edwin N. Jacquin
J. B. Berger
Paul S. Limerick
Florian P. Gass
C. A. Poole
Lyle T. Johnston
BEFORE THE WHISTLE BLOWS.
Football i king! Let all ye worshipful subjects pay him homage.
At last the day long toasted and impatiently awaited has arrived. The
Tigers of Missouri and the Jayhawkers of Kansas are about to meet in that time
honored, traditional Thanksgiving Day Battle Royal.
Rollins Field, a few years ago a barren, desolate pasture, is today trans-
formed into a magnificient stadium of. imposing proportions, holding 12,000 hu-
,mans, twisting about, intense, wild eyed, excited and nervously awaiting that
great moment that will bring delirous happiness to the victorious and appalling
tragedy to the vanquished.
The curtain rises and the first act of the drama is on. - From the rockbound fastness of that grim fore-
boding fortress, Rothwell Gymnasium, leap out the invading warriors, the Jayhawkers tense, alert, and keen for
battle. As they run out on the field the crowd to a man rises in noisy tribute. A protracted yelling and cheer-
ing on the north side catches the attention and then one remembers, the north siders are the Kansans, wild with
joy at the sight of their beloved heroes. After a moment the crowd settles back in their seats to watch inter-
estedly the short practice of the maroon and blue eleven. Suddenly a clarion call, "Everybody Up!" and pan-
demonium breaks loose. THE TIGERS come out of the gym led by their stalwart captain, "Chuck" Lewis.
his blond hair lightly blowing in the breeze, a lock of determination on his face, and the light of victory in his
eyes. The wild uproar which greeted the appearance of the team has subsided into organized cheering rending
the air, echoing and reechoing to the skies the ringing praises of Old Mizzou.
But before the teams line up for the kick off may we in behalf of the University of Missouri extend to
the returned "grad," to the "friendly enemy," to the interested spectator, to you, a hearty welcome.
THE SHOWME 11
Officials of the University of Missouri have for some time been asking the state legislature for an
appropriation which will mean a gymnasium for the University that can accommodate our steadily increasing.
enrollment. The Student Memorial plan which was considered for some time, and which if carried through
would have provided the funds for a suitable structure, has been temporarily abandoned. However, there is an
indirect way by which every student can contribute that may ultimately bring about success in the construction
of a new home for the Tiger athletes.
If each student would carry home the true conditions under which Athletic Director Z. G. Clevenger and
his staff of assistants have to work in training Missouri's teams and the students of the University, action might
some day be taken by the governing body of the State which convenes in Jefferson City every year. It is only
necessary to investigate the equipment of other colleges of smaller enrollment and scope than the University of
Missouri to realize the utter futility of attempting to put athletics on the high plane that a school of this calibre
should maintain with such inadequate equipment and environment.
The situation briefly is this. In the first place there is no gymnasium whatever for the girl students of
the University. For indoor work they occupy a room on the second floor of Academic Hall, where there is no
proper provision for any of the details of this kind of w')rk. They have no suitable athletic field or dressing
quarters. If we are ever so fortunate as to have a new gymnasium, let us demand that the feminine element of
Old Mizzou be assured a section of it.
The present Rothwell Gymnasium has served it's time long and well. We have no swimming pool, not
withstanding the fact that nine gymnasiums out of ten, be they high school or college, have a tank. The indoor
running track was sacrificed a few years ago in order that our basket ball floor might be of standard size.
During basket ball season the track team and base ball squad have to practice their sprints and exercises in the
basement. So much for the athletic teams. There is practically no provision for instruction in physical educa-
tion for .the general student body of the University. In other words, Missouri's athletics, just at present, con-
sist necessarily of athletic training for the few.
Even under these handicaps Tiger teams have prospered. Tiger athletes have starred in all parts of the
United States and Europe. Should our athletes defend Missouri traditions on the gridiron, track and field so
successfully, and yet have to labor under the most disadvantageous conditions? Even the trophies which they
have won are becoming worn and dusty because of the lack of a suitable and large enough place to keep them.
Are you proud to take visiting men and women from other Universities and Colleges into Rothwell Gymnasium?
The Tigers have outgrown their den. LET'S HAVE A NEW GYM
"Your car has a fast pick-up."
"Yes, you're the fifth I have picked up in the last
12 THE SHOWME
A TRAGEDY IN HAIR-OIL
O. Howe Slick
Costumes by Brilliantine.
Stage settings by that slickest of stage slickers--
Signor Petro Leum.
(Curtain rises to disclose a glistening row of p o-
fusely Adam's-appled Apollos, in ballet skirts and
Opening spasm (chorus):
You see us here
The hair-oil boys
With locks like glass
On heads like toys.
We date, we dance
We stroke our bean
Lest we some day
Leave off its sheen.
We work by day
We toil by night
To keep each strand
In place, all right.
In case it slips
We quickly move
It back again
Into its groove.
And now and then
A class we skip
Our heads to dip,
For to be seen
Without our grease
Would make us look
Like dowdy geese-
An extra lick-
To spread it thick.
We do not care
About the weather
We'll have our hair
Like patent leather!
Enter Hair-Oil Harold-
Chorus: "Oh, Hello, Harold!"
Harold: "Hello, boys, how does my hair look?"
Chorus: "It's SO sweet! You're the cutest thing
we ever saw."
Harold: "Oh, really, fellows?"
Chorus: "YOU ARE YOU KNOW!"
Harold: "Fellows, I heard the cutest little song
down at the barber shop this, afternoon. It goes
something like this." (chaos from the orchestra pit.)
Ballad-"Don't Take Away My Olive Oil, It's all the
World to Me."
"My hair grows longer day by day,
It's so long now it's in the way,
But it is my only charm
It will soon be longer than my arm.
Please don't take away my olive oil
If you do my long hair you will spoil,
You can take away my powder,
But I repeat much louder
My olive oil is all the world to me."
Enter Bear-Grease Benny:
Benny: "Hello there old design. How do you
like my moustache?"
Harold: "It's a dream, little model. Any
Benny: "Any news? Heavens, yes. I almost
forgot. Something terrible has happened."
Chorus: "Oh, My Goodness! Divulge your in-
formation at once."
Benny: "Crude oil has advanced in price and
there is going to be a lard shortage. What will we
Chorus: "Horrors, Fellows, Horrors!"
Harold: "Never fear, our hair will not suffer.
I have given this problem long and serious considera-
tion. Our private stock will tide us over."
Benny: "Have we a private stock?"
Harold: "Indeed we have, fellows. Two tons
Chorus: "Hurrah for -Iandsome Harold, our
Benny: "Harold, you have indeed saved us from
disgrace. And wasn't it a hair raising escape ? I feel
certain that oleo will preserve our cranial contours
satisfactorily. Hello, here comes 0. Howe Slick.
Enter 0. Howe Slick
O. Howe Slick: "Ah, there, old chap, how goes
it? I say, I was somewhat embarassed a few mo-
ments ago. I was on my way to have my malted milk
between dates, and that rude wind blew my hair so
that the back of my collar was exposed. Most humil-
Harold: "My dear fellow, you must have suffer-
ed untold agony. But tell me, have you any word
from our good friend, Sideburn Sam?"
Slick: "Yes, I bring sad tidings. Sam was pen-
alized five yards this morning. He is now in jail."
THE SHOWME 13
Chorus: "Penalized five yards! Goodness
gracious, what could have happened?"
Slick: "His left sideburn was off-side!"
Finale by the entire company-"You can't fool
the Hair-Oil boys, we're slickers."
"The hair oil boys are we, you bet, you bet,
We're slick as we can be, get set, get set,
With bandoline we drown our necks,
Anoint our domes with K D X
Use axel grease by pints and pecks,
When olive oil goes out of style, oh my, oh my,
We'll use oleo a while, we'll try, we'll try,
Now we adore to go to teas,
We think it rather rude to sneeze,
Someday our hair will reach our knees,
That Lost Feeling
Muriel Discovers a Slipped Roll.
The Long and Short of It.
Oh, it's short they wear their dresses
And still shorter clip their tresses
But long-lasting are the blisses
Of untimed but lengthy kisses
From the darling li'l misses-
"Even As You and I."
I sat at my desk
Ruminating over inspiring things
Seeing a mental picture
Of high grades
A Phi Beta Kappa key
Hundreds shaking my hand
Marveling over my intelligence
It is not impossible
I must but work.
I turned off the light at my desk
And went down town
And played pool
The rest of the evening.
Stage Manager-All ready, run up the curtain.
Amateur Stage Hand-Say, what do you think I
am, a squirrel? -Froth.
Some wear silk, and some wear lisle,
And some wear cotton strong,
Then, some wear knit, some like the style
Of-but then, of course that's wrong!
Some hang long and some hang short
Others, of medium height.
Some flare out, some hard a'port
And somie a wee bit tight.
Some like clocks, still others don't,
Merely a matter of taste.
Some give shocks, others won't,
Depends on where they're placed.
Some like them this way, and some like that
Others don't like them at all.
But give me the girl, either thin or fat,
Who knows just how to put on her gloves!
14 THE SHOWME
Song of the Plumber.
Oh, it's early in the morning,
Oh, it's the middle of the night
When the phone rings, and it's
Us to fix a leaky pipe.
But we forget-yes, we forget!
Oh, the tank is busted thru,
And the water's leakin' out
And they scream and yell and
For us to fix the spout.
Yet we forget-yes, we forget!
And they pay us by the minute
To fix the leaky pipe,
And mend the hole that's in it,
With the tools that
We forget-aye, we forget!
And suddenly the first comes
And it's time to pay the bill,
And then we hear that awful sound
They forget-yes, they forget!
"My father has a pig that he calls
"Always running out of the pen."
The girls in Paris aren't wearing
skirts any longer.
What? ! !
They've decided that they're long
"No," remarked the determined
lady to the indignant taxi-driver
who, had received his exact fare,
"you cannot cheat me. I haven't
ridden in cabs these twenty-five
years for nothing."
"Haven't you?" he retorted bit-
terly. "Well, you've done your
Photographer (to student): "It
will make a much better picture if
you put your hand on your father's
Father: "Huh! It would be
more natural if he had his hand in
"Yes," said the chemistry prof,
having just explained a theory, "if
you have that in your head, you
have it in a nut shell."
Barber Shop Service.
Student: I have only fifteen
cents; will you shave one side of
Barber: Yes sir, which side?
"Breathes there a man with soul
Who never to himself hath said:"
-I'll never play another game of
pool or shoot craps again as long
as I live.
-From now on I'm going to study
-How in h- did he ever make
-No more sweet spirits of nitre
-I made a damn fool of myself
If there is, let him step forward
and receive the elastic crowbar.
Evelyn: That old Kansas team
is certainly clumsy.
Afflicted: Why do you say that,
Evelyn: Every time one of our
men starts to run they get in his
Don't count your chickens be-
fore your wife.
Barber: How do you want your
Grouchy Customer: In silence.
I heard a philosopher say
Not long ago,
That free love in a college
I thought of the Palms,
And I must admit
That he said
"Say! Have you heard that new
joke about crude oil?"
"No! Tell it."
"I can't, it isn't refined."
Lotta-I wonder why they
hung that picture?
Stuff-Perhaps they couldn't
find the artist.
THE SHOWME 15
16 THE SHOWME
Mae: Tom's so darned mascu-
line. He always sees me in the
Kitty (sweetly) : Which one is
that, day light?
She: Isn't Ralph a good con-
Jealous: Yes; bully-
"Father," declared the wayward son, "I've de-
cided to be a missionary."
"That's fine son," replied the father proudly,
"and in what field do you propose to go?"
"Dad, don't you suppose there are some heathens
Yessuh Khan was an Eastern man,
Yubette was an Eastern maid,
And they lingered there, an Eastern pair,
As long as the shadows stayed.
And they sat beneath a cocoanut tree
On the edge of a beach that is washed by the sea,
Where the monkeys chatter incessantly,
And the moon shines bright as day.
"Will you be mine," he was heard to say,
"Perhaps I will, but not right away."
"Allah!" said he,
"A la mode!" said she,
And the monkeys chattered on.
F. P. G.
The fraternity pins that make the rounds of the
various sororities are now known as the "Cease to
struggle" or "Do as you please" pins.
A Place for Week Ends.
The movie theaters in Columbia are just like
careful poker players. They never start anything un-
til they get a full house.
BROKER LOSES $1,200 IN GEMS IN
TROUSERS SENT TO CLEANER
-St. Louis Post Dispatch.
Wherein the Cleaner cleaned up and the Brok-
er went broker.
The White Hope of Denmark.
Scene.-The South Broadway Athletic Club,
Benton Harbor, Denmark. Enter one HAMLET, REY-
NARDO, FRANCISCO and PERHAPSO.
Now, friend Hamlet, thou fightest Laertes
For the heavyweight title of Scandinavia.
The King, thy uncle, hath wagered heavily
Six mules and a quantity of car tokens,
Besides full many a gallant kopeck
That thou knock'st him for a goal
Within three rounds. What sayst thou?
Zounds, friends, and know ye not
Of the "wood alcohol" from my left?
'Twill put him in the arms of Morpheus
And he will awaken some time next week
Hearing the sweet chirp of the cuckoo
As the surgeons remodel his rusty pate.
Aye, Hamlet. Smite his poor bones well,
So he'll wear a cauliflower ear.
That will I, friends. Watch my smoke,
For I'm determined to Bolshevik Laertes,
By the shades of Bob Fitszimmons!
Enter Queen, Laertes and Referee.
Talk of the High Cost of Biffing!
The cowardly knaves who promote this
Have soaked us sixty plunks a seat.
I wot a guy should be slain
Before we get our simoleons' worth.
Lay on good Hamlet, and guard well
Thy beezer and thy ivory conk.
Smite you trifling burglar heartily,
Give him the d. t.'s, friend Hamlet.
Hast thy worthless life been insured?
If not, Hamlet, thou'rt in hard 'luck
For this day I swat thee truly.
Ho, men! Cease this idle banter,
Step up and put on your mitts.
King and Queen, ladies and bohunks!-
We will present for your entertainment
An eight-round champeen slug-fest
For the Heavyweight Crown of Scandinavia!-
On my right-Battling Laertes,
The Sweet Swede from Sweden!
On my left-Gunboat Hamlet,
The Lank Scrapper from Denmark!
Shake boys and hit hard and often.
(Profound applause. The gong rings.)
Ha! Marked you that swipe, friends? See!
Hamlet hath clouted the varlet's map
And he hath closed one of his peepers!
Look; Laertes hath cracked his pate,
I wot that was a goodly swat!
Hit the wretch Gunboat, in the polar plexus!
Ha! He hath made his mark! Superb!
What? Look! Mark you, Hamlet hath fallen!
See he moves not-the referee would speak.
Aha! R-r-revenge! Hamlet, thou'rt not.
Friends, Hamlet hath kicked the bucket
And I find he is no more.
For you foul knave, Battling Laertes
Hath smitten him full square on the beak,
But I find he hath concealed in his mitt
(Exit March--Carry Me Back to 01' Virginny.)
ELWOOD ULLMAN, JR.
18 THE SHOWME
A marcelle wave.
I'm a mere man, how should I know, Celeste,
That complexions rub off as they do.
When your head on my shoulder so firmly was pressed,
When your hands in my own I so softly caressed,
O how could I know
That your cheeks, white as snow,
Were imparting that snow to my vest.
Yet it's true,-
There was powder all over my vest.
And you kissed me, Celeste, in a lonely dark place,
I'll own 'twas done expertly, too.
When I parted myself from that prolonged embrace,
Disentangled myself from your collar's frail lace,
O how could I know
That your lips ruby glow
Had given said glow to my face.
Yet it's true,-
A ruby red spot tinged my face. -F. P. G.
Fond Mother :-"What makes
you think John is drinking home-
brew down at the University?"
Wise Father:-"What makes
me 'think'? Woman, I know! I
just got his expense account and
even his figures are staggering."
It always has
That we should
Call Thanksgiving day
For it was on
That same day
Many years ago
That our Pilgrim forefathers
Found the famous
"Why do they call that man the
"I suppose it's because he's about
ten seconds behind every play."
"Have you had something to
"No, but I've got some ordered
"He must have a passion for mu-
"Why sayest thou so?"
"He'd have to, to listen to his
own playing for half the day."
M. U. GRADUATE TO IOWA
Newton Gottschall will sail next
month as a Missionary.
That's a perilous voyage, but
Iowa must be saved.
With apologies to Longfellow
I know a maiden fair to view,
Her lips are red, her eyes deep blue,
Watch your step!
She is spoofing you!
Her glances are a work of art,
Her smile would win most any heart,
Watch your step!
She is spoofing you!
She dances like a fairy, too,
She drapes herself all over you,
Watch your step!
She is spoofing you!
I've given you fair warning, so
I'm a victim, and I know,
Watch your step!
She is spoofing you !
-F. P. G.
20 THE SHOWME
"Taking the Country by Storm."
THE SHOWME 21
"Gone But Not Forgotten"
Here lies John Barleycorn
A friend of long ago
He left us in years past
And went to sport below.
I miss him, for he was a pal
That never failed to cheer
He hated gloom, old John did
But alas, he's gone from here.
He was a comrade that men liked
They sought him, gripped his hand
We friends of his were faithful
A care-free jovial band.
He left a son, old John did
And we did the best we knew
But somehow John's old pals could
Appreciate Home Brew.
We reared him with loving care
And watched him day and night
But somehow that boy
Just wouldn't turn out right.
Old John was mellow as the moon
And aged with time and care
But that firebrand son of his
Has not a name so fair.
Here lies John Barleycorn
And its sad to think that he
Left no better namesake
To grace posterity.
"How firm a foundation," hum-
med the choir leader as his fork
bounced off the pie crust.
"Where is the spirit of '76,"
thundered the orater.
"All drunk up," came a voice
from the far corner of the hall.
"Griggs married an heiress."
"Ah, his golden wedding, as it
Pest No. 4362.
I'd like to croak
Is Reginald Georgette.
You have rolled
"Have a cigarette?"
"If a woman wouldn't drink,
would her husband liquor?"
Where there's a will there's re-
Sh! the undertakers are still
Lawyer, to negro in the witness
stand: Did you witness this shoot-
Negro (emphatically): No suh,
I didn't stop to witness it. I ran
when I saw him fire!
That's Where My Money Goes.
"Dear Dad, where is the coin for
I sent," the collige student wired.
"It's been a week or so, I guess,
And now, I'm getting tired."
"Dear son," the pater quick re-
"Just change your fretful ways.
That dough for which you sent
Still in my pocket stays."
"It's an Ill Wind-"
22 THE SHOWME
Most malignant of all
the many varieties of pests
is Harold. When he cuts in
he intimates his intention by
planting a Dempsey blow
right in the middle of your
back. Harold evidently got
his social training at the
Newsboys' Club. It is not
polished but it is thorough.
Harold says he is thankful
for his sense of humor, but
even his friends say that if
he has to be humorous he
might get a lot of pleasure
out of assaulting some cen-
Of Agnes, we can only say
that she is legion. Her's is a
blushing feminity, sophisti-
cated enough to be guileless
and disarming enough to be
dangerous. Agnes has a lit-
tle trick of trustingly slip-
ping her hand into yours
that, judged by even the ex-
acting standards of experi-
ence, is a knockout. And
even when you see her tell-
ing her fifth dance-partner
that she loves him, you do
not entirely lose confidence
Roland is intriguingly
blase. Every Saturday night
he endures nameless tor-
ments of boredom but is as
regular in attendance as the
man guarding the fire-escape.
Between the second and
third dances he saunters cas-
ually into the ball-room,
waves a languid hand to the
orchestra leader, surveys the
assemblage with a haughtily
indifferent eye and signals to
the girls that they can start
palpitating. They do, but in
an off-shore direction. Ro-
land is a master of ennui.
He knows more different
ways to look bored than a
ball-player to make money.
At his best he is as enthu-
siastic as a vivacious clam.
Then there is Alfred
When all the others have
danced themselves into quiv-
ring exhaustion Alfrd is just
warming up to the business
at hand. He says he does
his most effective dancing
just before midnight. That
is due to the fact that by
this time he has worn his
partners into a state of be-
draggled non-resistance. Al-
fred says he lets his soul
dance with his feet. Grant-
ing this, we can only say
that Alfred is equipped with
a soul as light as a young
moving-van. He has stami-
na-but not grace. He slips
across the floor with a sweet
oblique swing to the hips
that, adorable as it is, starts
him in one direction and ends
him in another. Some one
called it a crab-wise motion
but we know that Alfred
would never have anything
to do with smelly old fish.
Bob has the distinction of
having the most aromatic
breath of any of the Assem-
bly habitues. He bears three
distinct fragrances that once
in a while converge in a sin-
gle alcoholic gust. When
Bob comes to Assembly he
is literally in the best spirits
possible. Bob says his dis-
crimination is dulled and he
can have a good time with
anyone. Bob is a genius
rather than a drunkard.
Horace though not espe-
cial'ly adept at shaking the
festive calf, has lots of am-
bition. Horace insists that
he dances with more girls
than any other man at As-
sembly. One of his victims
claims he is a little careless
in the use of his prepositions.
The "with" should be chang-
ed to "over." At any rate he
drapes his chin intimately
over his partner's shoulder
blade and charges away,
THE SHOWME 23
In The Tiger Camp
A YEAR AGO TODAY-
Where were you last Thanksgiving Day?
Were you one of the many thousand Missouri
followers who surged onto McCook Field to pay
tribute to one of the greatest teams that has repre-
sented the Tiger institution? If so you were wheez-
ing, sneezing and freezing, and 'though your feet felt
like shackles which you would like to cast from you
as excess baggage, you pounded them to the rhythm
of "I'm a son, a son, etc." and forgot the Alaskan
breezes as Lewis for the 'steenth time dived over an-
other chalk mark.
"No," you say, "I can never forget that day,
there never was a day so cold." But when the Tigers
had annexed their second touchdown and you had a
moment to meditate after your voice failed any more
to register your happiness, didn't a warm feeling
surge all over you when you thought of that quart-
that is that quarter of a hundred dollars that you had
wagered for your alma mater's fair name. Do you
recall how the gay Kansan at your frat house, which
you'hadn't visited for 15 years, or on the street car,
or in the pool hall, dared you to cover his 3-2 money,
and you did just to be a good sport 'cause really you
thought the best the Tigers had was a fighting chance.
Or maybe you couldn't get away for that game
at McCook Field. Perhaps the long green just wasn't
available, or perhaps you are out of school and taken
the fatal leap, and the wife couldn't see how you could
get out of eating Turkey Dinner with the old folks, or
the youngest had its first colic, or did you start out to
Lawrence in that new flivver and round that curve
at a fast clip without chains and pick yourself up from
the ditch and spend the rest of the afternoon getting
the garage man to come out and get you.
Whatever the reason may have been, if you were
not there you missed half your life, you know it and
you're here today lest you lose the other half.
A set of back fielders that battered through the
Missouri line at will, a staunch defense and a sensa-
tional forward passing attack that completely bewil-
dered her opponents' second line of defense, were in-
strumental in the Tigers' championship hopes being
shoved overboard by the Redskins from Oklahoma,
October 30, the final score being 28-7.
The one redeeming feature of the titular battle
as the fans saw fit to construe it, was the remarkable
85 yard sprint of Captain "Chuck" Lewis. Missouri's
ace, who should have been in the hospital recovering
from the injuries sustained in the Drake titlt, insisted
upon starting the game and throughout the first half
his excellent punting kept the Sooners from scoring at
will. Injected into the game in the fourth quarter, he
took the ball from a punt formation on his own 15
yard line, headed for the left side of the Sooner de-
fense and sidestepping the end, reeled toward the side-
line away from the defensive halfback; successful in
eluding the visiting halfback he charged for the center
of the field where it seemed as though the entire Okla-
homa team had congregated to meet him. How he
escaped that maelstrom of beef and moleskins is a
question we cannot explain, but somehow he emerged,
only to find a safety man and a
halfback waiting 40 yards from
the goal to halt him. He dash-
ed straight toward them, then
swayed away and on to the
goal staggering as he passed
each chalk mark until he plung-
ed headlong over the line. Few
runs in Missouri annals can approach Lewis' ex-
hibition. Exhausted from his efforts he had to be
withdrawn from the game.
Coaches Miller and Phelan utilized two dozen
athletes in an effort to send the Sooners and their 250
followers home scalpless, but
the Owen tribe was not to be
denied. The Tigers entered
the game probably as crippled
as any team that ever stepped
on Rollins Field. Blumer, the
line star of the year was
out, Andrews and Springgate
were in bad shape. Lewis, Lincoln, Fullbright
and Humes perhaps should have been kept out
24 THE SHOWME
of the lineup as their injuries were considered very
serious. The line was not playing true to form. Har-
din playing his first game of the year stood up re-
markably well at center while Goepel and Bunker at
end and tackle did all that could have been expected of
Despite the unexpected and crushing defeat ad-
ministered the Missourians, the Tiger rooters fought
gallantly throughout the fray from the stands. Okla-
homa's "jazz hounds" assisted by their band, with red
and white costumes added a pleasing aspect to the
fray. Their spirit in following the Sooners several
hundred miles was highly commendable. The crowd
was one of the largest in several years.
LEWIS' TOE BEATS AGGIES
The Kansas Aggie football team equipped with
speed and clever overhead play presented a stumbling
block to the Missouri Tigers, November 6th, which
resulted in a Missouri victory by the narrow margin
of one field goal, the product of Captain "Chuck"
Lewis' educated toe. The final score was 10-7. The
Tigers did not play 100 per cent football but perform-
ed just good enough to set back all the efforts of Dew-
ey Huston and the rest of the Manhattan farmers.
The celebrated Huston essayed three attempts at
goals from the field, only one of which left the ground
and that was blocked by a Tiger forward.
The Tigers lacked the pep and drive that usually
characterizes the Missouri eleven. Three times the
Aggies were so close to the goal line that from the
stands it looked as though they were over, but each
time something spoiled an addition to their scoring
column. Once Hinds the speedy quarterback return-
ed a punt over the goal line after a fifty yard run
only to be called back. An Aggie player had been off
side and the ball was given to Missouri.
The Tigers pulled off several sensational forward
passes in the first two periods and finally a pass to
Williams sent the half back across the line. A series
of passes to Lewis had taken the ball to a point with.-
in scoring distance of the goal line.
In the third quarter after failing to gain for
three downs, Lewis dropped back to the 28 yard line
and booted a pretty drop kick. The Aggies came back
strong in this period and threatened Missouri's goal
several times. In the last quarter a series of passes
to Cowell took the purple and white within 20 yards
of the Missouri goal and another pass to the Aggie
halfback took the ball over the line.
WON IN LAST MINUTE
The sun had sent its last rays over Rollins Field
and the piercing chill of the early November evening
swept across the gridiron. The invading horde from
Washington stamped their numb feet and cheered ex-
ultantly. Only one more minute to play, and the score
ten to seven in their favor. Seven thousand Tiger
rooters seethed and roared in one hoarse cry for vic-
tory. Surely the old Missouri spirit, the fighting
comeback, would not fail now. Coach John Miller
stood silent in front of his warriors. Suddenly he mo-
tioned to one among the blankets, and Elmer Ker-
shaw was sent into the game.
The Tigers were making their last stand in an ef-
fort to cross the Pikeway goal line for the necessary
points to snatch victory from what seemed certain
defeat. "What'll we do, beat Mizzou!" booming
cheers rocked the Washington bleechers. Jack Full-
bright, Missouri quarterback, took one look at the solid
Piker defense, and made a grim decision. Forward
passes were his only hope. A short pass over the line
of scrimmage was gobbled up by Kershaw as he fell
to his knees and scooped up the oval. The Tiger pivot
man maneuvered in a slightly different manner on the
next play, receiving the ball and racing for the North
sidelines. When about to be besieged by the opposi-
tion he aviated the pigskin far down the field to the
Tiger substitute, who was in the midst of the foes
protecting their own goal.
Elmer Kershaw grasped the oval out of the land-
scape, evaded four or five Pikers, and sped across the
goal line. The 14-10 victory is now history.
The play throughout was of a sensational order,
but from the eyes of an impartial gridiron critic the
thrills could not conceal the true "sadness" of the
game. The Tigers felt the absence of their Captain,
"Chuck" Lewis, but the Bengal mentors were saving
him for the Jayhawker tilt. The showing of Knight
and Lincoln was commendable. Both made good
gains through the Pikeway defense, but on almost
every occasion when a touchdown seemed imminent,
the ball was lost. The line held splendidly through-
The first score of the game came in the second
quarter when, after the Tigers advanced the ball down
the field to the 25 yard mark, Lincoln went around
right end for a touchdown. In the same quarter,
Hafner, Washington center, scooped up a fumble re-
sulting from a hard fall sustained by Speuhler, and
ran 25 yards to the goal. Washington led the Tigers
by three points early in the second half, whel Thomp-
son was successful in booting a field goal, after several
previous attempts had failed. The fourth quarter was
scoreless until that last memorable minute, which has
fixed the names of Fullbright and Kershaw in the
Tiger Hall of Fame.
THE SHOWME 25
The fur should fly when the Bunker-Hill com-
bination gets started for the Tigers.
A freshman has inquired as to just how "Babe"
Ruth is a professional ball player and yet plays end
for the Tigers.
A noted football coach of the east has forbade the
use of liquor on his team. Looks as though they were
trying to take the kick out of football.
St. Louis, Mo.-A former billiard champion is
to exhibit here. His renown lies in the fact that he is
the only living pocket billiardest who doesn't claim to
be the champion.
Must be Johnny Layton, late of Booches.
When does the alibi appear?
When is the campus bleak and drear?
When do the losing studes declare
That though they lost their team's a bear
And at the game's officials swear?
When does the pent up yowling out?
When do the losers wail and shout?
When do the warriors join the cry
And never blush or bat an eye
When handing out an alibi?
When does the confidence return?
When does the college spirit burn?
When do the students gaily yell?
When do their youthful voices swell
Until they're heard in-Halifax?
-St. Louis Times.
Vassar hockeyites show great form in initial
-St. Louis Times
(It should be a great financial year for Vassar.)
Eastern papers report that Colgate's line holds
like talcum powder. -St. Louis Times
Eddie Cicotte, Joe Jackson, and the other White
Sox players implicated in the baseball scandal all ad-
mit to having received many offers for next year.
That's what Jack Johnson said for several years
until he was sent to Leavenworth. Today he is the
principal in a big card at the prison. Jackson, Cicotte
and Co. could make Leavenworth a pretty good ball
It is a good thing there aren't more "Nettles" in
the Kansas line.
With a Shearer on the team Drake should be
able to cut a wider swathe.
A couple of Kansas Aggie boys motoring to the
Aggie-Missouri game lost a pair of suitcases enroute.
Panic stricken the two farmer boys turned their fliv-
er about and covered every bit of the ground back to
K. C. searching for them. There must have beet
something in those suitcases besides clothes.
Michigan has a man playing end slated for all-
conference and his name is Goebel. If it was Goepel
instead of Goebel we would vote' for him in a minute.
Since the election "Scrubby" spells his name with
a "g" on the end. With a "Babe" Ruth, a Hardin-g,
and a Lincoln on the team, the Tigers feel that they
have a great deal to Crowe about.
When the Nebraska quarter yells "Hubka back"
the opponents are never quite sure as to what is going
to happen. One team protested that they should use
the English language. Hubka is the name of Nebras-
Three members of the SHOWME all sandwich
team are Hamm, Berger and Bunn, of Oklahoma,
Washington and Kansas.
The boys at Ames say that Vanderloo is some-
times spelled Waterloo.
Kansas discovered that this business of romping
over Hill and Dale is more poetry than anything else.
26 THE SHOWME
With clenched fists, his face hard with a deter-
mination to do or die, our hero plunged into the night.
He realized fully the peril that lay in his path. Slow-
ly and carefully he felt his way along the first hun-
dred yards of the treacherous trail, avoiding the pit
falls that would send him headlong into the sea of
mud below. Ah, now he had rounded Dead-Man's
curve, and turned to the west to begin his descent
down Devil's hill, where many of his brethren had
fallen before him.
It seemed hours before he reached the plain be-
low. Twice was his ankle wrenched as he stepped
into holes in the defective boards laid to guide the
traveler's step. A great help, these timbers, mused
our hero grimly as he stumbled over one of them. A
pouring rain added to their slickness, these perfidious
planks that send innocent wayfarers crashing to their
doom. In impenetrable darkness, mocked by the sin-
ister slush of the waters beneath him, and facing a
driving rain, he struggled on.
Once more on level ground, he quickened his
stride, wading through slush and ice and skirting an
occasional abyss. Suddenly he halted. Before him
loomed a black gap, an apparently bottomless pit, with
only a flimsy framework 'round it, and no warning
light to save a wanderer from a pitiful plunge to
peace. One shrill scream rending the night air, that
would have been the end. The brave lad shuddered
at the thought, summoned the last of his fast waning
strength, and staggered on.
But now a light was visible, straight ahead. Sum-
moning every ounce of courage, our hero dragged
himself over the remainder of the trail. With a hap-
py cry he reeled through the West gate into Hitt
Street, and exhausted, threw himself upon the ground.
"Thank Heaven," he moaned. The Ag Campus had
been crossed at last!
The Cellar Gang.
SHOWME'S TITLE CONTEST.
Life, Showme and all the leading humorous periodicals of the country are addicted to the habit
of offering prizes. The publishing business is so profitable that we take this means of sharing our enor-
mous profits with our subscribers rather than to have the government take it in the form of surplus prof-
its taxes. So, thus actuated, the Showme will pay $5 for the best title offeied for this picture. The only
requirements are that he be of reasonably Caucasian birth, (tho' our Oriental friends are not barred), be
above the age of four, and not addicted to the use of morphine in excessive quantities. The title should
not be over forty words in length and should contain no reference to Prohibition. Personalities also should
be avoided. Obviously, the man has found something in his food. Now the question is what did he find? To
the closest approach to a correct diagnosis the prize will be awarded.
Send all mms. to the Contest Editor, Showme.
311 Guitar Bldg.
THE RESULTS OF THE JOKE CONTEST
Out of all the mass of material, the Contest Editor, after several hours
of deliberation, has finally picked what he considers the best of the jokes
submitted for the prizes offered by the Showme. Much meritorious mate-
rial was turned in that we are unable to give prizes for, although we have
made use of it in the columns of this issue.
The first prize has been awarded to F. P. Gass.
Second honors go to Miss Martha McLendon.
Third prize has been given to Thomas Parks.
The five prizes of a dollar each go to Thomas Parks, T. R. Cloud, W.
P. Davis, J. Q. Adams, J. T. Uptegrove and P. S. Limerick. Other contribu-
tors to this issue are: Dudley Jarrett, Florence Cox, Corwin Edwards, Mary
Young, Martha Burton, and Vincent Hamlin.
28 THE SHOWME
An Ode to the Drug Store.
Here's to the fluid
That does me no good,
But leaves me in that condition
Of joy and bliss;
The one we all miss
Since National Prohibition.
So what is the use
Of drinking grape juice
When you can get lighter,
And brighter, and tighter-
A regular "all nighter,"
On common sweet spirits of nitre.
-P. S. L.
"Just one, darling," he plead, as
he stood in the doorway.
"Just one what?"
"Just one rose from your cor-
"Did you see me at the picture
"No, but I heard you!"
"I'm just a fool over him."
"He has too much tact to apolo-
gize for telling a risque story."
The night was raw,
The party rawer;
I wish that
I had never sawer.
We were both stewed
She was the steweder;
I wisht to 'ell
I'd never knew'der.
Someone must lose-
I was the loser.
She craved more hooch
Could I refuser?
The town was dry
And she was dryer;
White-mule was all
That I could buyer.
We found a still,
Approached it stiller
And bought a quart
Of Red "Blues Killer."
Now she was sick,
But I was sicker;
So I laid off
This bootleg liquor.
They called it splint,-
(Stirred with a splinter) -
And now she rests
Where they don't have winter.
Crimson-If Ivanhoe sells for a
quarter at the Co-op, what is
Cardinal and Gray-Great
Scott, what a novel question !!!
Trying to Make Both Ends Meet.
THE SHOWME 29
"Stop!" cried the maiden. "Desist!
You villain! I will not be kissed!"
But the horrid man didn't obey
And the girl was heard later to say,
"It's a thrill which should never be missed."
Now Willie's Still.
Little Willie bought a still
In which to make home brew.
No recipe came with the still
So what could Willie do?
He set it up that very day.
He went to work at noon.
He dropped into some water
A raisin and a prune.
The juices all fermented
And continued to until **I
Since then no one has seen
Either Willie or his still.
-P. S. L.
"Is he very rich?"
"Is he? Last year he brought
a Rolls-Royce to school with him
and this year he brought two bot-
tles of Scotch."
Why Wear Silk Stockings?
Camel: Why is Ethel limping
Paintpot: Cut herself shaving
Powder: How was Miss Rouge
dressed at the ball?
Ragge: Oh, she had on a lovely
looking skirt and a rose corsage.
It was evening. And as such evenings go, all was
still. The settler's beautiful daughter walked stealthi-
ly down the beaten path. She was not alone. He
walked stealthily, too. He eyed her quietly, tenderly;
but it was too dark to see her. Her's was the step
of the leader; his of the follower. It seemed unrea-
sonable. Still, who knows but what.
The large, black outline of a building loomed be-
fore them. It seemed unoccupied. Maybe it was.
Who knows but what. He hesitated. Strange. She
insisted. Stranger. They must enter. But what if ?
And then again, what if not? If he didn't, they would.
If he did, they would not. Who knows but what?
The moment was tense. The night was cold. The air
was thick, dark. Her will was the stronger. He en-
tered. She didn't.
She knew that the coyotes killed sheep. He
didn't. She didn't want him to be killed. So did .he.
Still, who knows but what?
"Say, Funnyface, do you know our chemistry prof's.
a magician ?"
"He turned me into the Dean yesterday."
30 THE SHOWME
Voice from Inside: John, I can't find my bathing
John: Did you look in your vanity case, dear?
AL GETS A LETTER FROM JOE
(With no apologies to Ring Lardner-as beg-your-
pardons won't atone for murder.)
Columbia, Mo., Nov. 23, 1920.
Well Al, this is the 1st chanst Ive had to write to
you since I lit in this here university town. Which
is some -little hamlet, by the way.
Well Al, you know I didn't know nobody when
I came down here to M. U. but as soon as I got off
the Katy Limited down here I run acrost a place
owned by a friend of old man Burchett back home.
You remember hearin' old man Burchett talk about
Daniel Boone dont you Al? Well, he runs a tavern
down here, which is what they call a hotel in this part
of the country. Well Al, soon as I got up town I
went into this place, which is some swell joint believe
me, and asked for Mr. Boone, thinking Id give him
my regards as how I know Mr. Burchett pretty well.
Well Al, they's a bird at the desk what looks at me
kinda funny and superior like and eyes that pink
striped collar I got at Heimsteims store before I left
awful envious like you know. Well he looked at me
for about a mintue and busts out laffing and says
"He's dead-haw, haw" just like that. Well Al, I
didnt think it was a laffing matter myself but I just
said thats too bad and walked out. But this town
ful of smart alecks like that Al.
Well I says to myself that's kind of a poor start
you've made, Joe, but that don't worry us does it?
So I asked a bird where I could get a room to rent
till Xmas and he points to a big gray building down
the street and says go to the Why. Well Al, I thought
that was a funny name for a building but I went
down there and they got a room for me not very far
from the main campus, which is what they call the
schoolyard down here.
Well Al, the next thing I done was to register up.
The main thing they do down here Al is line-up and
thats all you do when you register. Theys always a
bunch of guys in front of you and they move like
snales, Al. Well if you happen to get in the right line
they let you pay your dues finally but if you aint they
send you somewhere else. Every once in a while
a bunch of guys gets lined up in the wrong place and
they bust and run around a corner to line up again
like somebody's opened up a qt. of whiskey. \Well Al,
I finally I got all fixed up as a student of Missouri
University, or Mizzou as I have nicknamed it, and
then I had to get a red cap and wear it even though
it is 18 sizes too small because Im a freshman. Boy
they make it tough on us freshman's down here Al.
It aint nothing like high school. Boy I tell you its
Well Al, they have big football games down here
all time. They sure are funny about the way they do
things down here, Al. Before the games both sides
gets to yellin' for each other like as if they thought
it would be real mean to win and like as if they wanted
the other side to beat so as they wouldn't go way
feelin bad. And then the teams comes a running out
and fight like h-ell trying to win and cripples up the
guys on the other side. The M. U. team, or the Tigers
as I have nicknamed them, sure is classy looking in
their gold striped uniforms I tell you, and they sure
can play football to.
The next thing they're going to do is beat Kan-
sas, which is the great rival of us M. U.ers Al, and
dont you bet on Kansas no matter how the dope is Al,
cause the Tigers is going to beat h-ell out of them.
Will write again before long.
THE SHOWME 31
A Mid-Semester Lament.
(With apologies to Sweet Adeline.)
At first you seemed
So soft for me;
But now I find
You make me grind.
You're the jinx of all my course,
-J. Q. A.
Genuine Havana Filler.
"Why did you call your mother when I kissed you ?"
"Mother said you hadn't the nerve."
"Gilmme a tin roof sundae," said the youth as he
stepped up to the soda bar.
"Never heard of such a thing," replied the soda
"I'll tell you how to do it if you'll fix it up for
Then followed a lengthy description in which the
white coated clerk was called upon to mix up a little
bit of everything that the fountain contained. When
it was finished the youth, to use an old, old term, con-
sumed it with a great deal of gusto. When he had
finished he started for the door.
"Hey," yelled the clerk, "how about paying for
"Oh, never mind that," said the youth as he slip-
ped out the door, "that's a tin roof sundae-one on
"The Ole Pepper."
You may turn our campus upside down,
You may turn the columns all around,
You may even paint the mule barn green,
You may blend the shamrock with purple sheen.
You may take the lipsticks from our Co-eds,
Let the chambermaid forget to make our beds,
You may keep the T-hounds from their teas,
You may stop the matinees, if you please.
You may let the freshmen run the school,
You may do away with every rule,
But let old Kansas come and beat us-
Hell no! No Jayhawk can defeat us.
J. T. U.
"Jimmie, Mr. Jones is asking about some jokes he
left here the other day. Have you seen them?"
"No, sir, we read 'em, but we couldn't see 'em."
32 THE SHOWME
"What would you say, dear, if
I put my arm around you?" asked
the inexperienced youth.
"At last," responded the lady
Many students have a B. A. and
an M. A. but their P. A. usually
An ankle slim,
A calf divine.
This is no bull-
She's a cow of mine.
Co-ed: Why didn't you find out
who he was when the professor
called the roll?
Another Co-ed: I did try to, but
he answered for four different
There was a young prof. at Mizzou
Who thought there was naught he
In speeches quite bold
Awful tales he has told
Of the vices and sins at M. U.
"Henry is quite an interior dec-
"Yes, he decorates all the par-
"I want a wife," the youth de-
"Though looks are not essential-
I want a girl who is prepared
To be quite deferential."
"Why do you drink so continually?"
"I can't afford to lose the momentum of the first few shots."
A damsel was taking the air
In a suit that she wore on a dare.
'Twas an eye-filling sight
And 'twas daring all right,
For the boys all exclaimed, "She's a bare!"
There was a young lady named Stella,
Who in summer wore furs and umbrella.
Three ounces, no more,
Weighed the dress that she wore
When the weather was colder than hella.
-American Legion Weekly.
KNOWS KNICE KNEES.
Robert: Is Evelyn modest?
Ruth: Extremely. She even hides her dimples.
Robert: She must wear a heavy veil.
Ruth: How old fashioned you are!
"Hello, old man, haven't seen you here for a
long time. You haven't been playing much golf late-
ly ? By the way what's your handicap now?"
"My wife." -Spare Moments.
"How can you tell the difference between light
and heavy opera?"
"By the weight of the costumes."
-The Princeton Tiger
Forsythe: Stumbled into the dressing room at
the Joyous Theater by mistake last night.
Sinker: What was going on?
Forsythe: Nothing to speak of.
"I've got a keen girl now-she has a car."
"Wonderful. I've never met her have I? I'll
see you downtown sometime."
"Do that, old man, I'll wave."
THE OPTIMISM OF YOUTH
Newsboy-All 'bout de awful wreck!
Old Lady-I want a paper.
Newsboy-Sure, lady, maybe one of your friends
Prof-What were the landed gentry?
Stude-The marriedmen, sir.
-The Brown Jug
Minister-Would you care to join us in the new
Miss Ala Mode-I'm crazy to try it. Is it any-
thing like the shimmy ? -Chapparal.
IT MIGHT GO OFF, AT THAT.
First Simple Nimrod-Hey, don't shoot. The
gun isn't loaded.
His Partner-Can't help that, the bird won't wait.
-Mass. Voo Doo.
"I bought a storage battery yesterday."
"What did it cost?"
"Oh, nothing. I had it charged."
-The Brown Jug
"Maw says you can't kiss me anymore, Willie
Jones, 'cause you might get microbes and I might get
your crobes." -Sun Dial
34 THE SHOWME
QUEER QUERIES QOULUMN
By La Fontaine Penn
The Thursday Club has made up
a purse for the most unfortunate
man in the world. Could you sug-
gest a claimant?
-E. G. G. Secretary.
Address Lieut. Shaver, Kelly
Field, San Antonio, Tex., who fell
from his airplane into a cactus field
Who is the luckiest man that
Romeo, who barely escaped mar-
Why do policemen wear rubber
-E. Z. Walker.
So as not to awaken the officers
on the adjoining beats.
Why does a crane stand on one
leg in the water?
To keep his body dry.
What is this season's best hu-
The 18th amendment.
Who ,really discovered the Mis-
Why do the girls all wear rolled
To keep their legs warm.
What's the difference between a
profiteer and a burgler?
The latter must be more diligent.
Why did Jesse James always
ride a horse and carry a gun?
He didn't own a store, so could
not sell anybody anything.
I'm going to St. Louis tomorrow.
Please suggest a good place to stop.
Try the Union Station.
Why does the wild winter wind
Because the girls wear those
shapeless wool stockings.
BAND OF 25 STAGES
$67,540 WHISKY THEFT
At the prevailing liquor prices
this would mean about half a pint
Sign on a Kansas farm:
WARNING TO TRAMPS
We keep a dog.
And remember, there are just two
kinds of folks-
THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
-American Legion Weekly.
MAN HELD UP-ROBBED
IN FRONT OF HIS HOME
Just a question of who got to
him first-the bandit or his wife.
Hazel-Aren't the profs around
Nut-I'll say so. Professor No-
witz starts off every morning with,
"Now, class, suppose you had a
Sarah-Did she give you a cor-
Brum-More than that; some
Depends on the Viewpoint.
"Have you prepared for this
"What have you done for it?"
"Brushed my hair and shaved."
BANDIT WAS WEDDED
TWO HOURS AFTER
PAY ROLL ROBBERY
If he had to loot a pay roll to
marry, what'll he have to steal
to support her?
"Dearest, do you know how
much I love you?
"No, lover, but I know how
THE SHOWME 35
Packard's Latest Twin Chicks Model. Fuel
consumption, 2 quarts a day. Will not run in low
speed. Upkeep expense high. Ask the man who
ON THE HONEYMOON.
Mrs. Newlywed-Why does the whistle blow, dear?
Mr. N.-Because we ate approaching either a sta-
tion, a bridge or a tunnel, pet!
Mrs. N.-Oh, I hope it's a tunnel-Punch Bowl.
AN ODE TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN AT
This is the night that the wolves come out, slick
haired, nose keen for the scent.
I must be watchful lest they elude me and consum-
mate evil intent.
Oh I must be watchful
I must take care
I must nose out each dark beckoning lair.
I must guard the poor woolies from the curve of
For this is the night of the wolves.
I must ride herd on the poor woolie flock, clustered
'neath garlands of crepe.
Wolfish undergrad' arms shall not crush the tulle
of evening gear all out of shape.
Oh I must be watchful
I must take care
Some will get by and sit two on a chair.
A few will slip out to the curve of the stair.
For this is the night of the wolves.
THE DOMESTIC LABOR QUESTION
On the 'phone-"Hello! Is this the woman that
wanted the lady to wash tomorrow?"
But what's a voice?
Ah, that's the point,
'Tis just 'tis-
The wires were crossed,-
It was not her voice,-
Or maybe she had a cold.
But if a cold,-
What's a cold,-
Usually two colds,
36 THE SHOWME
Ask Dad, He Knows.
That is the question
All are useless,
There can be but one,
But who can tell,
And then again,
All else is other,
Out and not,
Except the all-important
Oh why inel
Can't we have our
Said a pious divine from Bologne,
To a beautiful maiden named
"Do you go out at night ?"
"Oh, no, but I might,
I'm willing enough to be shogne."
He-Please, Mabel, just once
more before I say good night.
She-All right, if you'll promise
not to ask me again. And she play-
ed the "Third Hungarian Rhap-
Nill-Why is a football like a so-
Bill-Shoot, if you must.
Nill-Neither one has any shape
without being laced.
Hattie: Helen is a decided
Catty: Yes, she decided to be-
come a blonde just before the
Prof.-Have you a doctor's cer-
tificate to cover your absence?
Clever Stude-No, sir. You see
I'm a Christian Scientist.--Widow.
FOUR SHOTS IN
AN OFFICER'S BODY
Flora-What makes you think
you are the first girl he ever kissed?
Dolores-Because he didn't say
When a man is polite to his wife
it does not follow that he is afraid
of her. He may be merely absent-
It is understood that, hereafter,
lemonade straws are to be served
with all soup orders in Columbia
"What would you say to lending me ten dollars?"
"I wouldn't say anything, but my bank account
would howl like the devil."
38 THE SHOWME
The poet sings of light that lies
And lies and lies in women's eyes-
And that same wit
Will do hit bit
To make those same eyes wise ..
Some people say to drink's a sin
And state that Hell is full of gin
Now if that's so
There's folks I know
Who'd be fighting to get in . .
I've often heard the story told of dries that never
And just as oft another yarn of black-birds that are
But not a word
Have I yet heard,
Of pumpkin pies that think..
Some one told me that he had seen a cast-iron
Another man had had a ride up in a lead balloon-
But who in fate
At a crepe-de-chine spittoon? . . .
i've heard folks say that salmon sing
That Bryan knows most ev'rything-
But if you can
Show me the man
Who's heard a dumb-bell ring! . . .
Once lived a guy called Omar Khayam,
Who used a pencil much like I am,
And he kept drunk
On home-brewed junk,
Just as I on the sly am .
Some girls I know act mad when kissed,
While there are some who will assist;
But one told me
That all would be
Sooner kissed than missed! . . .
The sages say that ev'ry man had ought to have a
Some one to darn his worn-out sox and regulate
But as for me
From what I see
Cold toes beat married strife! .
It seems the right of women folks to powder face
On pretty faces well fixed up, I'll own up that I
But I must state
I surely hate
To have to brush my coat! . .
Some man who knows the ladies wrote,
"Old fashioned girls are hard to note."
Right now I see
A girl who wears a petticoat . .
UNIVERSITY BARBER SHOP
"Where did you get those El Hempos?"
"Harry sent them up from Havana."
"He surely knows the ropes down there, doesn't
he ?" -Puppet.
"DOWN AND OUT"
"Down on the station platform,
Bathed in the cold wintry breeze,
Shy, long ago, of its contents,
Nothing inside it to freeze,
Shorn of its former glory,
Drained of the last amber dreg,
Bungless, beerless and friendless,
Stands an empty eight-gallon keg."
"Villain! Why do you laugh?"
she cried, eyes flashing dramatical-
His stern coolness faded away.
"But I have to laugh," he pleaded.
"I wouldn't be the villain if I
Suitor (after his third refusal) :
Must my days go unwarmed by
Practical suitee: I'm afraid so,
but you might try a portable elec-
tric stove instead.
"What, you call that a sausage?
It makes me laugh."
"That's good, sir. Most people
The Dryest Story in the World.
An Irishman and a Scotchman
were standing at a bar and the
Irishman had no money.
A teacher was reading to her
class, when she came across the
word "unaware." She asked if
any one knew the meaning.
One little girl timidly raised her
hand and gave the following defini-
tion: "Unaware is what you put
on first and take off last!"
"Man wants but little here be-
Was written very long ago.
-American Legion Weekly.
Probably Means "Toot the Bell."
The traffic rules of Japan in-
clude this one: "When you meet
the horse or the cow, speed slow-
ly, and take care to ring the horn."
But suppose the cow objects to
having her horn so treated ?
John and his wife had gone to
the beach for a little swim. His
wife called to him from the dress-
"Oh! I can't go swimming be-
cause I'can't find my bathing suit."
John replied: "Look again dear,
maybe you have it on."
Look Into This One.
She-I wish you'd look the
Young Brother-He can't help
the way he looks. -Sun Dial.
BRA SEL TON'S
THE SHOWME 41
"What do you think of her
"Fair, but they seem a little
Black-Did you ever go fishing
with a girl?
Black-Did she protest against
hurting the fish?
White-No; she said she was
sure they were all perfectly hap-
py because they were wagging
their tails. -Voo Doo.
No, Ichabod, if a man prof.
married a lady prof. you would
not call their children prophets.
42 THE SHOWME
QUESTION OF JUDGMENT.
Bill: Do you think betting is wrong?
John: Well, the way I bet generally is.
A SLOW TRAIN.
"Is this a. fast train?" the salesman asked the
"Of course it is," was the reply.
"I thought it was. Would you mind my get-
ting out to see what it is fast to?"
Edgar Hornbeck, Prop.
Art is a beautiful creation, but where photography
excels art, is the studio of Sid Whiting's in St. Louis,
that will, when you are in the city, allow special rates
to all U. of M. students. This Studio produces more
fine Photographs than any other; also makes 70 per
cent of College and University photos done in St.
Louis. A visit will assure you.-Adv.
Father-What time do you go
to bed, son?
Son-Between nine and ten, fa-
Father-That's too many in
one bed!! -Voo Doo.
Among the Missing.
The Girl-You make me think
of Venus de Milo.
The Boy-But I have arms.
The Girl-Oh, have you?
Columbia Floral Co.
.Teacher (in a lesson on evolu-
tion) : Willie, what lies between
man and monkey?'
Willie: A cage!
Mary: "How did the. shimme originate?"
George: "It was originated by a fat lady riding
down the street in a Ford."
BELIEVE IN SIGNS?
Seen in front of the barracks:
"Don't walk on the grass-it dulls the blades."
-Ohio State Lantern.
IN THE STREET CAR.
Small man: Have you plenty of room, madam?
Fat lady: Yes, thank you.
Small man: Well then give me a little, please.
She-Sir, have you taken a drink?
He-No is one"'fissing? -Gargoyle.
Stump olator: "I want reform; I want gov-
ernment reform; I want labor reform; I want-
Voice: "Chloroform." -Record.
Prof: Gentlemen, I am dismissing you ten min-
utes early today. Please go out quietly so as not
to wake the other classes. -Record.
Physiology prof: What do you know about
Student: Not very much, sir. I've only been
in two. -Gargoyle.
The Attorney for the Gas Company was mak-
ing an address. "Think of the good the gas com-
pany has done. If I were permitted to make a pun,
I would say, in the words of the immortal poet,
'Honor the LIGHT BRIGADE.' "
Voice of the consumer from the audience: "Oh,
what a charge they made !" -Exchange.
BY WAY OF REJOINDER
He-Why do you want the ballot?
She-To keep you men from voting cigarette
prohibition. -Tar Baby.
Hazel: I haven't slept for days.
Eyes: 'Smatter? Sick?
Hazel: No; I sleep nights. -Jester.
"Who was Diana?"
"Diana was the goddess of the chase."
"I s'pose that's why she always has her pic-
ture taken in a track suit." -Juggler.
Ensign: Seaman Johnson, what is a kiss?
Gob: A pleasure smack, sir. -Jester.
"You're an awful bore," sighed the cork.
'Huh. I've gotten you out of many a tight
place," retorted the corkscrew. -Siren.
"You've got an awful line," said the fish to the
A woman is as old as she looks-a man is not
old until he stops looking. -Burr.
Young lady (pointing to picture of Sir Gala-
had) : "Who is that in that picture?"
New pledge: "Oh, that's one of the older fel-
lows, I don't know his name." -Awgwan.
She--What kind of a snake is that?
He--That is what is called a garter snake.
She--Oh, it couldn't be, it's much too mall.
The lskimos sleep in bear skins,
Up in the North I'm told.
Last night I slept in my bear skin
And caught a hell of a cold.
"I have somewhat of a rolling gait," spoke the
"Yes," agreed the deck of cards, "while I
merely shuffle along." -Sun Dodger.
Prof: "What are the exports of Virginia?"
Stude: "Tobacco and livestock, sir."
Prof: "Livestock? What kinds of livestock?"
Stude: "Camels, sir." -Awgw:an.
"Why did you tell him you had to go to the
dressing room for some cold cream?" asked the
"I had to do something to get the chap off my
hands," answered the co-ed. -The Siren.
"Pipe down," said the plumber as he lowered
the tubing into the hole. -Gargoyle.
She: "I'm learning to play billiards and I find
it's a lot like life."
He: "Yes, one little kiss can cause a lot of
IMPERIAL TAILORING CO.
Rex Barber Shop
Tavern Drug Store
He-Hold the wire please.
She-I'm afraid I'll be shocked. -Banter.
Said the bridegroom to the gloomy-looking
man: "Well, old man, have you kissed the bride?"
"Not lately," replied the g. 1. m. as he passed
out into the starry night. -Wampus.
A Very Bashful Young Lady (entreatingly)-
Jack, don't tell anybody you took me home, will
you? Mother would be furious.
Jack-Don't worry. I'm as much ashamed of
it as you are. -Voo Do.
Flivver-What is the most you ever got out of
Henry-Oh, about seven times in onne block.
is my record. -Orange Peel.
"Combination shot," murmured the lady cue
artist as she leaned too far over the billiard table.
What would the eastern sport' writers do for
stories if they couldn't immortalize a Brickley, a Hor-
ween, or a Hobie Baker, and proclaim him hero "be-
fore 40,000 wildly gesticulating fans."
"Mother, may I go out tonight?"
"No, my darling Jill;
Father and I go out tonight-
You'll have to tend the still."
My neighbor has a saxophone.
I hate him.
Each time I hear its blearing tone;
I hate him.
Some morn' I'll hie me from my bed.
And break that darn horn on his head.
And then he'll know, if he's not dead,
I hate him.
Briggs-"Son, win any letters at college?"
Braggs--"Came back with a stack of I.O.U.'s"
and Dry Cleaning Co.
THE PHI BETA KAPPA.
He has a key for which he craves the door,
A chance to crack the world and call for more.
"Yes, I'm a Bolshevik," insisted the long-hair-
ed youth. If I had my way, I'd blow up the White-
"Huh," replied the unimpressed young damsel,
"'you're too killing for words, aren't you?"
Jack-Do you object to kissing on sanitary
Jack-Then let's take a li'l stroll through the
infirmary. -Sun Dodger.
No, Waltham, it is not the high price of clocks
that makes them strike. -Chaparral.
Flora-The man that I marry must be clever.
Dora-My dear, clever men remain single.
There was once a bellicose Sioux
Whose outlook on life grioux tioux blioux
His squaw caused him grief:
She eloped with the chief,
And wrote, "I am not trioux tioux yioux.
A Chicago scribe has a column entitled, "Do you
remember way back when"-. We see no such notice
as "Do you remember way back when Joe Jackson
jur.ped the Indians for the shipyards and th? Sox
called him low down,--but the next year he was in
the outfield getting all the plaudits from the Sox roct-
ers on their own team.
Don't Miss the
Thursday, Nov. 25, at 8 o'clock
IN ACADEMIC HALL
Old Grads, Meet the Old Guards
Dancing Department Stunts
BIG 8-PIECE ORCHESTRA
Gordon & Koppel