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The Showme November, 1920; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1920

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The Showme Turkey Day Number Volume I. No. 2 November 23, 1920 TWEEDIE BOOT-TOP CO. Woolf Brothers Taylor Music Co. THRESHER-FULLER GRAIN CO. THE USUAL COURTESY "Brokesley," said the grocery keeper to the dead- beat who was planning to move out of the communi- ty; "I don't believe you will ever pay me what you owe me. It isn't worth while to sue you for it, and you have nothing I care to attach. I will simply give you a receipt and call it paid." "Fine of you," said Brokesley. A few minutes after, seeing that Brokesley still lingered about the merchant said: "Was there some- thing you wish to speak to me about ?" "Not especially, but ain't it customary to give a feller a cigar when his account's settled?" -Philadelphia Ledger. WOMAN FRUSTRATES THREE ARMED BANDITS -Headline That's too many arms! The CO-OP French, Shriner & Urner HARRIS' THE SHOWME November 23, 1920 The Showme is issued monthly by the Showme staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at Columbia, Mo. Subscription price, $1.75 a year or thirty- live cents a copy when purchased from news-stands. Application for entry as second-class matter at the post office at Columbia, Mo. pending. An Eye-Opener "Why did they arrest the blind man?" "The cop saw him blush when the co-ed passed by." California Pelican. The Apple of His Eye. A peach came walking down the street; She was more than passing fair A smile, a nod, a half closed eye, And the peach became a pair. --Cornell Widow. JANOUSEK Columbia's Art Shop Logic "Why do you require so much money?" asked the irate father. "I don't require it, father," was the reply, "it's the people I owe." -Michigan Gargoyle. The Dear Girls! Jennie-Dick didn't blow his brains out when you rejected him. He came around and pro- posed to me. Jeanette-Well, he must have gotten rid of them some other way, then.-Stanford Chaparral. Naturally "Stockings?" said the sales- man. "Yes, madame. What number do you wear?" "Why, two, of course," said the sweet young thing. -Lehigh Burr. Parsons' HETZLER'S Rounder 1: What are we do- ing tonight? Rounder 2: Let's go over to the cemetery and dig up a couple of girls. -Record. Boob: Why do we always meet on this corner? Boober: It must be because we are both here at the same time! Fredendall's To the Students of the University of Missouri Your clothes, your hats, your furnishings, they should come from this store, where quality is the first thought. Clothes for youing men are arriving each day. These garments are made of the finest American and foreign woolens, hand tailored by the best makers of ready-to-wear clothes. Discriminating dressers among young men who want real hand tailored clothes which means lasting style, find real satisfaction in these garments. Hats and Haberdashery, it is here that the very newest and most exclusive styles developed by makers who are famous for their leadership are revealed. Here are Neckwear, Shirts, Hosiery, Underwear, Gloves, etc., that contribute to correct dress of the man who seeks something out of the commonplace. Here one will find the foremost American and foreign creations--all chosen with one idea in view--to give the fin- ishing touches that distinguish the well-groomed young man. Priced in keeping with present conditions. We wish to thank you for past favors Very truly yours, Sanford Jacobs & James Leppe. GREENFIELD BROTHERS 8th & Olive, St. Louis, Mo. THE SHOWME TURKEY DAY 'Twas in New England, fdi away, 'we first observed Thanksgiving Day. The good Lord Mayor of Plymouth town, who 'had no sorrows ripe to drown, did step into his limousine and cry, "James, give her gasoline! Today we go unto the woods to view the borough's worldly goods. The Lord has blessed us with- good crops, we've lots of barley, rye, and hops; with food and clothes to last for years, to Russia with the profiteers. No striking mob has e'er been seen cavorting on our village green,'but peace and quietude together are camping on our hea:th and heather. The Indians offer no intrigsue, they won the pennant in their league. We have no income tax to pay, let this be our Thanksgiving Day." On this great day in Plymouth town the Turkey gained quite some renown. The frugal housewife swung the ax, and Grandpa got the necks and backs. The people then had never heard about another dizzy bird who, sad as it seems to relate, today must share the Turkey's fate. This bird was brought up in a land of prohibition, wind and sand, where, like the wilds of Labrador, there's nothing to be thankful for. He's hard to kill, his skin is tough, but watch the Tiger call his bluff, this bird that feeds on rock and chalk, today you die, KANSAS JAY- HAWK! Mizzou's alumni, thick and thin, from bantam weight to triple chin, are here once more to watch the fray and tuck the Jayhawk gold away. Missouri spirit, as of yore, will walk abroad and rave and roar, and every loyal sire and son will fight until the battle's won. We know that page in history that tells of the sour apple tree; we've got the Jayhawk here to hang, we're with you, men, so FIGHT 'EM, GANG! Advance of Civilization in Amusements. THE FABLE OF THE FASTIDIOUS FISHER. A Handsome Youth learned during his first Love Affair, which occured soon after he Made the High Seventh in the Old Ward School, that Even So Early the Budding Flapper would fall for a Diplo- matic show of Indifference. He carted his Newfound Knowledge to the Prep School chosen for him by his Prematurely Old, but Loving, Parents. To carry out the Color Scheme of his Chosen Art he early developed a Winning Line. He read Sport Pages and included a Change of Pace in his repertoire of tricks. He eased through Prep Life secure in the knowledge that no Woman could make him Show his Cards; Steady Practice of the Art of missing veiled Hints of Cold Hands and Etc. made his acting Real and he became Known around the School Town and in His Own Home Burg as the Balanced Rock. Sweet Girls had A Habit of Weeping after making sure that He alone could satisfy their ideas of Male Compan- ionship. Whispers of these Boudoir Torrents reached his ears.from Time to Time and he felt himself to be Achilles without the Justly Famous heel. Although he scorned the Caresses of the Girls About Town he took great interest in his Personal Adornment, Probably for his Own Amusement. He kept his hair well Oiled and a Crease in his Trousers. He wore the things that Others Wore and was always Abreast of the Styles. He used his Mother's Hand Mirror when he wanted to study his Profile before the Pier Glass. He didn't know why the Girls fell for him but he Guessed there was a Reason. College claimed him after Father had let it be Known that he Wouldn't send him back to the Prep School Anyway. Within a week he Knew that an Impressionable Sorority Sister had inquired of one of the Old Frat brothers about "That Stunningly Blase Freshman" and he felt that he was Getting On. He didn't go out for Anything except Another Package of Camels and in time Developed into quite a Parlor Snake. His youthful Freshness scored Knockouts in many a Pekoe Drinking Bout but he never stayed for the Count. He wanted to Watch 'Em fall, Not Feel 'em, was his Quaint way of Ex- pressing It. He considered Himself a Tough Roue even if he didn't Go The Limit. He had an idea that without Prohibition he could have taken his Fling with Liquor but was forced to Seek Solace in Spit In The Ocean and Similar games of Chance. Senior Year found him still Aloof and enjoying the Rend- ing Gurgle of bursting Hearts. Same year found his Class- mates slipping Solitaire Settings on the Hands they had Been In The Habit Of Holding, glancing, Furtively, in the Direc- tion of Honest Employment with which to Support the Fol- lies of Their Susceptible Hearts. Our Hero Stood Pat until an Heiress began to Sigh over his Picture in Last Year's Year Book. Then he Married th,. Girl and They managed her Millions together. Moral: He Knew His Eggs. "Would you consider me for a husband?" "I wouldn't consider you for a minute." Showme THE SHOWME, Room 311, Guitar Building THE STAFF G. H. COMBS, JR., Managing Editor C. ARCH RODGERS, Literary Editor. GERALD F. PERRY, Art Editor FRANK HOUSTON, Art Editor BUSINESS DEPARTMENT EMIL NATHAN, Business Manager TAYLOR HARNEY, Advertising Manager WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Circulation Manager ASSOCIATES. Edwin N. Jacquin J. B. Berger Lyle Wilson Paul S. Limerick William Kieffer Florian P. Gass BUSINESS ASSISTANTS. Owen Atkinson C. A. Poole Lyle T. Johnston ART ASSOCIATES. Ernestine Parks Dozier Gardner Nancy Moore Ralph Fowler I. Brown BEFORE THE WHISTLE BLOWS. Football i king! Let all ye worshipful subjects pay him homage. At last the day long toasted and impatiently awaited has arrived. The Tigers of Missouri and the Jayhawkers of Kansas are about to meet in that time honored, traditional Thanksgiving Day Battle Royal. Rollins Field, a few years ago a barren, desolate pasture, is today trans- formed into a magnificient stadium of. imposing proportions, holding 12,000 hu- ,mans, twisting about, intense, wild eyed, excited and nervously awaiting that great moment that will bring delirous happiness to the victorious and appalling tragedy to the vanquished. The curtain rises and the first act of the drama is on. - From the rockbound fastness of that grim fore- boding fortress, Rothwell Gymnasium, leap out the invading warriors, the Jayhawkers tense, alert, and keen for battle. As they run out on the field the crowd to a man rises in noisy tribute. A protracted yelling and cheer- ing on the north side catches the attention and then one remembers, the north siders are the Kansans, wild with joy at the sight of their beloved heroes. After a moment the crowd settles back in their seats to watch inter- estedly the short practice of the maroon and blue eleven. Suddenly a clarion call, "Everybody Up!" and pan- demonium breaks loose. THE TIGERS come out of the gym led by their stalwart captain, "Chuck" Lewis. his blond hair lightly blowing in the breeze, a lock of determination on his face, and the light of victory in his eyes. The wild uproar which greeted the appearance of the team has subsided into organized cheering rending the air, echoing and reechoing to the skies the ringing praises of Old Mizzou. But before the teams line up for the kick off may we in behalf of the University of Missouri extend to the returned "grad," to the "friendly enemy," to the interested spectator, to you, a hearty welcome. THE SHOWME 11 Officials of the University of Missouri have for some time been asking the state legislature for an appropriation which will mean a gymnasium for the University that can accommodate our steadily increasing. enrollment. The Student Memorial plan which was considered for some time, and which if carried through would have provided the funds for a suitable structure, has been temporarily abandoned. However, there is an indirect way by which every student can contribute that may ultimately bring about success in the construction of a new home for the Tiger athletes. If each student would carry home the true conditions under which Athletic Director Z. G. Clevenger and his staff of assistants have to work in training Missouri's teams and the students of the University, action might some day be taken by the governing body of the State which convenes in Jefferson City every year. It is only necessary to investigate the equipment of other colleges of smaller enrollment and scope than the University of Missouri to realize the utter futility of attempting to put athletics on the high plane that a school of this calibre should maintain with such inadequate equipment and environment. The situation briefly is this. In the first place there is no gymnasium whatever for the girl students of the University. For indoor work they occupy a room on the second floor of Academic Hall, where there is no proper provision for any of the details of this kind of w')rk. They have no suitable athletic field or dressing quarters. If we are ever so fortunate as to have a new gymnasium, let us demand that the feminine element of Old Mizzou be assured a section of it. The present Rothwell Gymnasium has served it's time long and well. We have no swimming pool, not withstanding the fact that nine gymnasiums out of ten, be they high school or college, have a tank. The indoor running track was sacrificed a few years ago in order that our basket ball floor might be of standard size. During basket ball season the track team and base ball squad have to practice their sprints and exercises in the basement. So much for the athletic teams. There is practically no provision for instruction in physical educa- tion for .the general student body of the University. In other words, Missouri's athletics, just at present, con- sist necessarily of athletic training for the few. Even under these handicaps Tiger teams have prospered. Tiger athletes have starred in all parts of the United States and Europe. Should our athletes defend Missouri traditions on the gridiron, track and field so successfully, and yet have to labor under the most disadvantageous conditions? Even the trophies which they have won are becoming worn and dusty because of the lack of a suitable and large enough place to keep them. Are you proud to take visiting men and women from other Universities and Colleges into Rothwell Gymnasium? The Tigers have outgrown their den. LET'S HAVE A NEW GYM "Your car has a fast pick-up." "Yes, you're the fifth I have picked up in the last hour." 12 THE SHOWME A TRAGEDY IN HAIR-OIL CAST: O. Howe Slick Hair-Oil Harold Bear-Grease Benny. Costumes by Brilliantine. Stage settings by that slickest of stage slickers-- Signor Petro Leum. (Curtain rises to disclose a glistening row of p o- fusely Adam's-appled Apollos, in ballet skirts and Russian blouses.) Opening spasm (chorus): You see us here The hair-oil boys With locks like glass On heads like toys. We date, we dance We stroke our bean Lest we some day Leave off its sheen. We work by day We toil by night To keep each strand In place, all right. In case it slips We quickly move It back again Into its groove. And now and then A class we skip In vaseline Our heads to dip, For to be seen Without our grease Would make us look Like dowdy geese- Never! Of bandoline An extra lick- We much.prefer To spread it thick. We do not care About the weather We'll have our hair Like patent leather! Whoops! Enter Hair-Oil Harold- Chorus: "Oh, Hello, Harold!" Harold: "Hello, boys, how does my hair look?" Chorus: "It's SO sweet! You're the cutest thing we ever saw." Harold: "Oh, really, fellows?" Chorus: "YOU ARE YOU KNOW!" (laughter) Harold: "Fellows, I heard the cutest little song down at the barber shop this, afternoon. It goes something like this." (chaos from the orchestra pit.) Ballad-"Don't Take Away My Olive Oil, It's all the World to Me." "My hair grows longer day by day, It's so long now it's in the way, But it is my only charm It will soon be longer than my arm. Chorus: Please don't take away my olive oil If you do my long hair you will spoil, You can take away my powder, But I repeat much louder My olive oil is all the world to me." Enter Bear-Grease Benny: Benny: "Hello there old design. How do you like my moustache?" Harold: "It's a dream, little model. Any news ?" Benny: "Any news? Heavens, yes. I almost forgot. Something terrible has happened." Chorus: "Oh, My Goodness! Divulge your in- formation at once." Benny: "Crude oil has advanced in price and there is going to be a lard shortage. What will we do?" Chorus: "Horrors, Fellows, Horrors!" Harold: "Never fear, our hair will not suffer. I have given this problem long and serious considera- tion. Our private stock will tide us over." Benny: "Have we a private stock?" Harold: "Indeed we have, fellows. Two tons of oleomargerine!" Chorus: "Hurrah for -Iandsome Harold, our Hero!" Benny: "Harold, you have indeed saved us from disgrace. And wasn't it a hair raising escape ? I feel certain that oleo will preserve our cranial contours satisfactorily. Hello, here comes 0. Howe Slick. Greetings, Slick!" Enter 0. Howe Slick O. Howe Slick: "Ah, there, old chap, how goes it? I say, I was somewhat embarassed a few mo- ments ago. I was on my way to have my malted milk between dates, and that rude wind blew my hair so that the back of my collar was exposed. Most humil- iating." Harold: "My dear fellow, you must have suffer- ed untold agony. But tell me, have you any word from our good friend, Sideburn Sam?" Slick: "Yes, I bring sad tidings. Sam was pen- alized five yards this morning. He is now in jail." THE SHOWME 13 Chorus: "Penalized five yards! Goodness gracious, what could have happened?" Slick: "His left sideburn was off-side!" Finale by the entire company-"You can't fool the Hair-Oil boys, we're slickers." "The hair oil boys are we, you bet, you bet, We're slick as we can be, get set, get set, With bandoline we drown our necks, Anoint our domes with K D X Use axel grease by pints and pecks, Whoopee, whoopee! When olive oil goes out of style, oh my, oh my, We'll use oleo a while, we'll try, we'll try, Now we adore to go to teas, We think it rather rude to sneeze, Someday our hair will reach our knees, Goodbye, goodbye!" ASBESTOS. That Lost Feeling Muriel Discovers a Slipped Roll. The Long and Short of It. Oh, it's short they wear their dresses At Mizzou. And still shorter clip their tresses At Mizzou. But long-lasting are the blisses Of untimed but lengthy kisses From the darling li'l misses- At Mizzou. "Even As You and I." I sat at my desk Ruminating over inspiring things Seeing a mental picture Of high grades Unparalled industry A Phi Beta Kappa key Hundreds shaking my hand Marveling over my intelligence It is not impossible I must but work. I turned off the light at my desk And went down town And played pool The rest of the evening. Stage Manager-All ready, run up the curtain. Amateur Stage Hand-Say, what do you think I am, a squirrel? -Froth. Some wear silk, and some wear lisle, And some wear cotton strong, Then, some wear knit, some like the style Of-but then, of course that's wrong! Some hang long and some hang short Others, of medium height. Some flare out, some hard a'port And somie a wee bit tight. Some like clocks, still others don't, Merely a matter of taste. Some give shocks, others won't, Depends on where they're placed. Some like them this way, and some like that Others don't like them at all. But give me the girl, either thin or fat, Who knows just how to put on her gloves! 14 THE SHOWME Song of the Plumber. Oh, it's early in the morning, Oh, it's the middle of the night When the phone rings, and it's callin' Us to fix a leaky pipe. But we forget-yes, we forget! Oh, the tank is busted thru, And the water's leakin' out And they scream and yell and holler For us to fix the spout. Yet we forget-yes, we forget! And they pay us by the minute To fix the leaky pipe, And mend the hole that's in it, With the tools that We forget-aye, we forget! And suddenly the first comes round, And it's time to pay the bill, And then we hear that awful sound They forget-yes, they forget! Local Color. "My father has a pig that he calls 'Ink.' "How come?" "Always running out of the pen." The girls in Paris aren't wearing skirts any longer. What? ! ! They've decided that they're long enough. "No," remarked the determined lady to the indignant taxi-driver who, had received his exact fare, "you cannot cheat me. I haven't ridden in cabs these twenty-five years for nothing." "Haven't you?" he retorted bit- terly. "Well, you've done your best." Photographer (to student): "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder." Father: "Huh! It would be more natural if he had his hand in my pocket." "Yes," said the chemistry prof, having just explained a theory, "if you have that in your head, you have it in a nut shell." Barber Shop Service. Student: I have only fifteen cents; will you shave one side of my face? Barber: Yes sir, which side? Student: Outside. "Breathes there a man with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said:" -Some shape! -I'll never play another game of pool or shoot craps again as long as I live. -From now on I'm going to study hard. -How in h- did he ever make a frat. -No more sweet spirits of nitre for mine. -I made a damn fool of myself tonight. If there is, let him step forward and receive the elastic crowbar. Evelyn: That old Kansas team is certainly clumsy. Afflicted: Why do you say that, cutie ? Evelyn: Every time one of our men starts to run they get in his way. Don't count your chickens be- fore your wife. Barber: How do you want your hair cut? Grouchy Customer: In silence. I heard a philosopher say Not long ago, That free love in a college Was impossible I thought of the Palms, The Pennant, The shows, And Assembly, And I must admit That he said 'Something . "Say! Have you heard that new joke about crude oil?" "No! Tell it." "I can't, it isn't refined." Lotta-I wonder why they hung that picture? Stuff-Perhaps they couldn't find the artist. -Sun Dial. THE SHOWME 15 16 THE SHOWME Mae: Tom's so darned mascu- line. He always sees me in the wrong light. Kitty (sweetly) : Which one is that, day light? She: Isn't Ralph a good con- versationalist ? Jealous: Yes; bully- -Record. "Father," declared the wayward son, "I've de- cided to be a missionary." "That's fine son," replied the father proudly, "and in what field do you propose to go?" "Dad, don't you suppose there are some heathens around Cuba?" Moonlight Melodies. Yessuh Khan was an Eastern man, Yubette was an Eastern maid, And they lingered there, an Eastern pair, As long as the shadows stayed. And they sat beneath a cocoanut tree On the edge of a beach that is washed by the sea, Where the monkeys chatter incessantly, And the moon shines bright as day. "Will you be mine," he was heard to say, "Perhaps I will, but not right away." "Allah!" said he, "A la mode!" said she, And the monkeys chattered on. F. P. G. The fraternity pins that make the rounds of the various sororities are now known as the "Cease to struggle" or "Do as you please" pins. A Place for Week Ends. The movie theaters in Columbia are just like careful poker players. They never start anything un- til they get a full house. BROKER LOSES $1,200 IN GEMS IN TROUSERS SENT TO CLEANER -St. Louis Post Dispatch. Wherein the Cleaner cleaned up and the Brok- er went broker. THE SHOWME GUNBOAT HAMLET The White Hope of Denmark. Scene.-The South Broadway Athletic Club, Benton Harbor, Denmark. Enter one HAMLET, REY- NARDO, FRANCISCO and PERHAPSO. REYNARDO Now, friend Hamlet, thou fightest Laertes For the heavyweight title of Scandinavia. The King, thy uncle, hath wagered heavily Six mules and a quantity of car tokens, Besides full many a gallant kopeck That thou knock'st him for a goal Within three rounds. What sayst thou? HAMLET Zounds, friends, and know ye not Of the "wood alcohol" from my left? 'Twill put him in the arms of Morpheus And he will awaken some time next week Hearing the sweet chirp of the cuckoo As the surgeons remodel his rusty pate. PERHAPSO Aye, Hamlet. Smite his poor bones well, So he'll wear a cauliflower ear. HAMLET That will I, friends. Watch my smoke, For I'm determined to Bolshevik Laertes, By the shades of Bob Fitszimmons! Enter Queen, Laertes and Referee. KING Talk of the High Cost of Biffing! The cowardly knaves who promote this Have soaked us sixty plunks a seat. I wot a guy should be slain Before we get our simoleons' worth. Lay on good Hamlet, and guard well Thy beezer and thy ivory conk. Smite you trifling burglar heartily, Give him the d. t.'s, friend Hamlet. LAERTES Hast thy worthless life been insured? If not, Hamlet, thou'rt in hard 'luck For this day I swat thee truly. REFEREE Ho, men! Cease this idle banter, Step up and put on your mitts. King and Queen, ladies and bohunks!- We will present for your entertainment An eight-round champeen slug-fest For the Heavyweight Crown of Scandinavia!- On my right-Battling Laertes, The Sweet Swede from Sweden! (Applause.) On my left-Gunboat Hamlet, The Lank Scrapper from Denmark! Shake boys and hit hard and often. (Profound applause. The gong rings.) KING Ha! Marked you that swipe, friends? See! Hamlet hath clouted the varlet's map And he hath closed one of his peepers! REYNARDO Look; Laertes hath cracked his pate, I wot that was a goodly swat! KING Hit the wretch Gunboat, in the polar plexus! Ha! He hath made his mark! Superb! REYNARDO What? Look! Mark you, Hamlet hath fallen! See he moves not-the referee would speak. KING Aha! R-r-revenge! Hamlet, thou'rt not. REFEREE Friends, Hamlet hath kicked the bucket And I find he is no more. For you foul knave, Battling Laertes Hath smitten him full square on the beak, But I find he hath concealed in his mitt An iceberg! THE END. (Exit March--Carry Me Back to 01' Virginny.) ELWOOD ULLMAN, JR. 18 THE SHOWME George Longed to Be A Sailor, And Being very Brave He tried To Float a Wooden check Upon A marcelle wave. Horrors I'm a mere man, how should I know, Celeste, That complexions rub off as they do. When your head on my shoulder so firmly was pressed, When your hands in my own I so softly caressed, O how could I know That your cheeks, white as snow, Were imparting that snow to my vest. Yet it's true,- There was powder all over my vest. And you kissed me, Celeste, in a lonely dark place, I'll own 'twas done expertly, too. When I parted myself from that prolonged embrace, Disentangled myself from your collar's frail lace, O how could I know That your lips ruby glow Had given said glow to my face. Yet it's true,- A ruby red spot tinged my face. -F. P. G. Figuratively Speaking Fond Mother :-"What makes you think John is drinking home- brew down at the University?" Wise Father:-"What makes me 'think'? Woman, I know! I just got his expense account and even his figures are staggering." It always has Seemed strange To me That we should Call Thanksgiving day "Turkey-Day." For it was on That same day Many years ago That our Pilgrim forefathers Found the famous "Plymouth Rock." "Why do they call that man the 'end' ?" "I suppose it's because he's about ten seconds behind every play." "Have you had something to drink ?" "No, but I've got some ordered for Thanksgiving." "He must have a passion for mu- sic." "Why sayest thou so?" "He'd have to, to listen to his own playing for half the day." THE SHOWME Overhead Expense. M. U. GRADUATE TO IOWA Newton Gottschall will sail next month as a Missionary. -Evening Missourian. That's a perilous voyage, but Iowa must be saved. BEWARE With apologies to Longfellow I know a maiden fair to view, Take care! Her lips are red, her eyes deep blue, Beware! Beware! Watch your step! She is spoofing you! Her glances are a work of art, Take care! Her smile would win most any heart, Beware! Beware! Watch your step! She is spoofing you! She dances like a fairy, too, Take care! She drapes herself all over you, Beware! Beware! Watch your step! She is spoofing you! I've given you fair warning, so Take care! I'm a victim, and I know, Beware! Beware! Watch your step! She is spoofing you ! -F. P. G. 20 THE SHOWME "Taking the Country by Storm." THE SHOWME 21 "Gone But Not Forgotten" Here lies John Barleycorn A friend of long ago He left us in years past And went to sport below. I miss him, for he was a pal That never failed to cheer He hated gloom, old John did But alas, he's gone from here. He was a comrade that men liked They sought him, gripped his hand We friends of his were faithful A care-free jovial band. He left a son, old John did And we did the best we knew But somehow John's old pals could not Appreciate Home Brew. We reared him with loving care And watched him day and night But somehow that boy Just wouldn't turn out right. Old John was mellow as the moon And aged with time and care But that firebrand son of his Has not a name so fair. Here lies John Barleycorn And its sad to think that he Left no better namesake To grace posterity. Bed Rock "How firm a foundation," hum- med the choir leader as his fork bounced off the pie crust. "Where is the spirit of '76," thundered the orater. "All drunk up," came a voice from the far corner of the hall. "Griggs married an heiress." "Ah, his golden wedding, as it were." Pest No. 4362. Another bird I'd like to croak Is Reginald Georgette. Who, after You have rolled Your own, Says, "Have a cigarette?" "If a woman wouldn't drink, would her husband liquor?" Where there's a will there's re- lations. Sh! the undertakers are still making biers. Lawyer, to negro in the witness stand: Did you witness this shoot- ing? Negro (emphatically): No suh, I didn't stop to witness it. I ran when I saw him fire! That's Where My Money Goes. "Dear Dad, where is the coin for which I sent," the collige student wired. "It's been a week or so, I guess, And now, I'm getting tired." "Dear son," the pater quick re- plied, "Just change your fretful ways. That dough for which you sent Still in my pocket stays." "It's an Ill Wind-" 22 THE SHOWME ASSEMBLY PESTS Most malignant of all the many varieties of pests is Harold. When he cuts in he intimates his intention by planting a Dempsey blow right in the middle of your back. Harold evidently got his social training at the Newsboys' Club. It is not polished but it is thorough. Harold says he is thankful for his sense of humor, but even his friends say that if he has to be humorous he might get a lot of pleasure out of assaulting some cen- venient brick-wall. Of Agnes, we can only say that she is legion. Her's is a blushing feminity, sophisti- cated enough to be guileless and disarming enough to be dangerous. Agnes has a lit- tle trick of trustingly slip- ping her hand into yours that, judged by even the ex- acting standards of experi- ence, is a knockout. And even when you see her tell- ing her fifth dance-partner that she loves him, you do not entirely lose confidence in her. Roland is intriguingly blase. Every Saturday night he endures nameless tor- ments of boredom but is as regular in attendance as the man guarding the fire-escape. Between the second and third dances he saunters cas- ually into the ball-room, waves a languid hand to the orchestra leader, surveys the assemblage with a haughtily indifferent eye and signals to the girls that they can start palpitating. They do, but in an off-shore direction. Ro- land is a master of ennui. He knows more different ways to look bored than a ball-player to make money. At his best he is as enthu- siastic as a vivacious clam. Then there is Alfred When all the others have danced themselves into quiv- ring exhaustion Alfrd is just warming up to the business at hand. He says he does his most effective dancing just before midnight. That is due to the fact that by this time he has worn his partners into a state of be- draggled non-resistance. Al- fred says he lets his soul dance with his feet. Grant- ing this, we can only say that Alfred is equipped with a soul as light as a young moving-van. He has stami- na-but not grace. He slips across the floor with a sweet oblique swing to the hips that, adorable as it is, starts him in one direction and ends him in another. Some one called it a crab-wise motion but we know that Alfred would never have anything to do with smelly old fish. Bob has the distinction of having the most aromatic breath of any of the Assem- bly habitues. He bears three distinct fragrances that once in a while converge in a sin- gle alcoholic gust. When Bob comes to Assembly he is literally in the best spirits possible. Bob says his dis- crimination is dulled and he can have a good time with anyone. Bob is a genius rather than a drunkard. Horace though not espe- cial'ly adept at shaking the festive calf, has lots of am- bition. Horace insists that he dances with more girls than any other man at As- sembly. One of his victims claims he is a little careless in the use of his prepositions. The "with" should be chang- ed to "over." At any rate he drapes his chin intimately over his partner's shoulder blade and charges away, THE SHOWME 23 In The Tiger Camp A YEAR AGO TODAY- Where were you last Thanksgiving Day? Were you one of the many thousand Missouri followers who surged onto McCook Field to pay tribute to one of the greatest teams that has repre- sented the Tiger institution? If so you were wheez- ing, sneezing and freezing, and 'though your feet felt like shackles which you would like to cast from you as excess baggage, you pounded them to the rhythm of "I'm a son, a son, etc." and forgot the Alaskan breezes as Lewis for the 'steenth time dived over an- other chalk mark. "No," you say, "I can never forget that day, there never was a day so cold." But when the Tigers had annexed their second touchdown and you had a moment to meditate after your voice failed any more to register your happiness, didn't a warm feeling surge all over you when you thought of that quart- that is that quarter of a hundred dollars that you had wagered for your alma mater's fair name. Do you recall how the gay Kansan at your frat house, which you'hadn't visited for 15 years, or on the street car, or in the pool hall, dared you to cover his 3-2 money, and you did just to be a good sport 'cause really you thought the best the Tigers had was a fighting chance. Or maybe you couldn't get away for that game at McCook Field. Perhaps the long green just wasn't available, or perhaps you are out of school and taken the fatal leap, and the wife couldn't see how you could get out of eating Turkey Dinner with the old folks, or the youngest had its first colic, or did you start out to Lawrence in that new flivver and round that curve at a fast clip without chains and pick yourself up from the ditch and spend the rest of the afternoon getting the garage man to come out and get you. Whatever the reason may have been, if you were not there you missed half your life, you know it and you're here today lest you lose the other half. GOODBYE CHAMPIONSHIP! A set of back fielders that battered through the Missouri line at will, a staunch defense and a sensa- tional forward passing attack that completely bewil- dered her opponents' second line of defense, were in- strumental in the Tigers' championship hopes being shoved overboard by the Redskins from Oklahoma, October 30, the final score being 28-7. The one redeeming feature of the titular battle as the fans saw fit to construe it, was the remarkable 85 yard sprint of Captain "Chuck" Lewis. Missouri's ace, who should have been in the hospital recovering from the injuries sustained in the Drake titlt, insisted upon starting the game and throughout the first half his excellent punting kept the Sooners from scoring at will. Injected into the game in the fourth quarter, he took the ball from a punt formation on his own 15 yard line, headed for the left side of the Sooner de- fense and sidestepping the end, reeled toward the side- line away from the defensive halfback; successful in eluding the visiting halfback he charged for the center of the field where it seemed as though the entire Okla- homa team had congregated to meet him. How he escaped that maelstrom of beef and moleskins is a question we cannot explain, but somehow he emerged, only to find a safety man and a halfback waiting 40 yards from the goal to halt him. He dash- ed straight toward them, then swayed away and on to the goal staggering as he passed each chalk mark until he plung- ed headlong over the line. Few runs in Missouri annals can approach Lewis' ex- hibition. Exhausted from his efforts he had to be withdrawn from the game. Coaches Miller and Phelan utilized two dozen athletes in an effort to send the Sooners and their 250 followers home scalpless, but the Owen tribe was not to be denied. The Tigers entered the game probably as crippled as any team that ever stepped on Rollins Field. Blumer, the line star of the year was out, Andrews and Springgate were in bad shape. Lewis, Lincoln, Fullbright and Humes perhaps should have been kept out 24 THE SHOWME of the lineup as their injuries were considered very serious. The line was not playing true to form. Har- din playing his first game of the year stood up re- markably well at center while Goepel and Bunker at end and tackle did all that could have been expected of them. Despite the unexpected and crushing defeat ad- ministered the Missourians, the Tiger rooters fought gallantly throughout the fray from the stands. Okla- homa's "jazz hounds" assisted by their band, with red and white costumes added a pleasing aspect to the fray. Their spirit in following the Sooners several hundred miles was highly commendable. The crowd was one of the largest in several years. LEWIS' TOE BEATS AGGIES The Kansas Aggie football team equipped with speed and clever overhead play presented a stumbling block to the Missouri Tigers, November 6th, which resulted in a Missouri victory by the narrow margin of one field goal, the product of Captain "Chuck" Lewis' educated toe. The final score was 10-7. The Tigers did not play 100 per cent football but perform- ed just good enough to set back all the efforts of Dew- ey Huston and the rest of the Manhattan farmers. The celebrated Huston essayed three attempts at goals from the field, only one of which left the ground and that was blocked by a Tiger forward. The Tigers lacked the pep and drive that usually characterizes the Missouri eleven. Three times the Aggies were so close to the goal line that from the stands it looked as though they were over, but each time something spoiled an addition to their scoring column. Once Hinds the speedy quarterback return- ed a punt over the goal line after a fifty yard run only to be called back. An Aggie player had been off side and the ball was given to Missouri. The Tigers pulled off several sensational forward passes in the first two periods and finally a pass to Williams sent the half back across the line. A series of passes to Lewis had taken the ball to a point with.- in scoring distance of the goal line. In the third quarter after failing to gain for three downs, Lewis dropped back to the 28 yard line and booted a pretty drop kick. The Aggies came back strong in this period and threatened Missouri's goal several times. In the last quarter a series of passes to Cowell took the purple and white within 20 yards of the Missouri goal and another pass to the Aggie halfback took the ball over the line. WON IN LAST MINUTE The sun had sent its last rays over Rollins Field and the piercing chill of the early November evening swept across the gridiron. The invading horde from Washington stamped their numb feet and cheered ex- ultantly. Only one more minute to play, and the score ten to seven in their favor. Seven thousand Tiger rooters seethed and roared in one hoarse cry for vic- tory. Surely the old Missouri spirit, the fighting comeback, would not fail now. Coach John Miller stood silent in front of his warriors. Suddenly he mo- tioned to one among the blankets, and Elmer Ker- shaw was sent into the game. The Tigers were making their last stand in an ef- fort to cross the Pikeway goal line for the necessary points to snatch victory from what seemed certain defeat. "What'll we do, beat Mizzou!" booming cheers rocked the Washington bleechers. Jack Full- bright, Missouri quarterback, took one look at the solid Piker defense, and made a grim decision. Forward passes were his only hope. A short pass over the line of scrimmage was gobbled up by Kershaw as he fell to his knees and scooped up the oval. The Tiger pivot man maneuvered in a slightly different manner on the next play, receiving the ball and racing for the North sidelines. When about to be besieged by the opposi- tion he aviated the pigskin far down the field to the Tiger substitute, who was in the midst of the foes protecting their own goal. Elmer Kershaw grasped the oval out of the land- scape, evaded four or five Pikers, and sped across the goal line. The 14-10 victory is now history. The play throughout was of a sensational order, but from the eyes of an impartial gridiron critic the thrills could not conceal the true "sadness" of the game. The Tigers felt the absence of their Captain, "Chuck" Lewis, but the Bengal mentors were saving him for the Jayhawker tilt. The showing of Knight and Lincoln was commendable. Both made good gains through the Pikeway defense, but on almost every occasion when a touchdown seemed imminent, the ball was lost. The line held splendidly through- out. The first score of the game came in the second quarter when, after the Tigers advanced the ball down the field to the 25 yard mark, Lincoln went around right end for a touchdown. In the same quarter, Hafner, Washington center, scooped up a fumble re- sulting from a hard fall sustained by Speuhler, and ran 25 yards to the goal. Washington led the Tigers by three points early in the second half, whel Thomp- son was successful in booting a field goal, after several previous attempts had failed. The fourth quarter was scoreless until that last memorable minute, which has fixed the names of Fullbright and Kershaw in the Tiger Hall of Fame. THE SHOWME 25 SPORTITORIALS The fur should fly when the Bunker-Hill com- bination gets started for the Tigers. A freshman has inquired as to just how "Babe" Ruth is a professional ball player and yet plays end for the Tigers. A noted football coach of the east has forbade the use of liquor on his team. Looks as though they were trying to take the kick out of football. St. Louis, Mo.-A former billiard champion is to exhibit here. His renown lies in the fact that he is the only living pocket billiardest who doesn't claim to be the champion. Must be Johnny Layton, late of Booches. When does the alibi appear? On Monday. When is the campus bleak and drear? On Monday. When do the losing studes declare That though they lost their team's a bear And at the game's officials swear? On Monday. When does the pent up yowling out? On Monday. When do the losers wail and shout? On Monday. When do the warriors join the cry And never blush or bat an eye When handing out an alibi? On Monday. When does the confidence return? On Friday. When does the college spirit burn? On Friday. When do the students gaily yell? When do their youthful voices swell Until they're heard in-Halifax? On Friday. -St. Louis Times. Vassar hockeyites show great form in initial workout. -St. Louis Times (It should be a great financial year for Vassar.) Eastern papers report that Colgate's line holds like talcum powder. -St. Louis Times Eddie Cicotte, Joe Jackson, and the other White Sox players implicated in the baseball scandal all ad- mit to having received many offers for next year. That's what Jack Johnson said for several years until he was sent to Leavenworth. Today he is the principal in a big card at the prison. Jackson, Cicotte and Co. could make Leavenworth a pretty good ball club. It is a good thing there aren't more "Nettles" in the Kansas line. With a Shearer on the team Drake should be able to cut a wider swathe. A couple of Kansas Aggie boys motoring to the Aggie-Missouri game lost a pair of suitcases enroute. Panic stricken the two farmer boys turned their fliv- er about and covered every bit of the ground back to K. C. searching for them. There must have beet something in those suitcases besides clothes. Michigan has a man playing end slated for all- conference and his name is Goebel. If it was Goepel instead of Goebel we would vote' for him in a minute. Since the election "Scrubby" spells his name with a "g" on the end. With a "Babe" Ruth, a Hardin-g, and a Lincoln on the team, the Tigers feel that they have a great deal to Crowe about. When the Nebraska quarter yells "Hubka back" the opponents are never quite sure as to what is going to happen. One team protested that they should use the English language. Hubka is the name of Nebras- ka's fullback. Three members of the SHOWME all sandwich team are Hamm, Berger and Bunn, of Oklahoma, Washington and Kansas. The boys at Ames say that Vanderloo is some- times spelled Waterloo. Kansas discovered that this business of romping over Hill and Dale is more poetry than anything else. 26 THE SHOWME AS IS. With clenched fists, his face hard with a deter- mination to do or die, our hero plunged into the night. He realized fully the peril that lay in his path. Slow- ly and carefully he felt his way along the first hun- dred yards of the treacherous trail, avoiding the pit falls that would send him headlong into the sea of mud below. Ah, now he had rounded Dead-Man's curve, and turned to the west to begin his descent down Devil's hill, where many of his brethren had fallen before him. It seemed hours before he reached the plain be- low. Twice was his ankle wrenched as he stepped into holes in the defective boards laid to guide the traveler's step. A great help, these timbers, mused our hero grimly as he stumbled over one of them. A pouring rain added to their slickness, these perfidious planks that send innocent wayfarers crashing to their doom. In impenetrable darkness, mocked by the sin- ister slush of the waters beneath him, and facing a driving rain, he struggled on. Once more on level ground, he quickened his stride, wading through slush and ice and skirting an occasional abyss. Suddenly he halted. Before him loomed a black gap, an apparently bottomless pit, with only a flimsy framework 'round it, and no warning light to save a wanderer from a pitiful plunge to peace. One shrill scream rending the night air, that would have been the end. The brave lad shuddered at the thought, summoned the last of his fast waning strength, and staggered on. But now a light was visible, straight ahead. Sum- moning every ounce of courage, our hero dragged himself over the remainder of the trail. With a hap- py cry he reeled through the West gate into Hitt Street, and exhausted, threw himself upon the ground. "Thank Heaven," he moaned. The Ag Campus had been crossed at last! The Cellar Gang. THE SHOWME SHOWME'S TITLE CONTEST. Life, Showme and all the leading humorous periodicals of the country are addicted to the habit of offering prizes. The publishing business is so profitable that we take this means of sharing our enor- mous profits with our subscribers rather than to have the government take it in the form of surplus prof- its taxes. So, thus actuated, the Showme will pay $5 for the best title offeied for this picture. The only requirements are that he be of reasonably Caucasian birth, (tho' our Oriental friends are not barred), be above the age of four, and not addicted to the use of morphine in excessive quantities. The title should not be over forty words in length and should contain no reference to Prohibition. Personalities also should be avoided. Obviously, the man has found something in his food. Now the question is what did he find? To the closest approach to a correct diagnosis the prize will be awarded. Send all mms. to the Contest Editor, Showme. 311 Guitar Bldg. Columbia, Mo. THE RESULTS OF THE JOKE CONTEST Out of all the mass of material, the Contest Editor, after several hours of deliberation, has finally picked what he considers the best of the jokes submitted for the prizes offered by the Showme. Much meritorious mate- rial was turned in that we are unable to give prizes for, although we have made use of it in the columns of this issue. The first prize has been awarded to F. P. Gass. Second honors go to Miss Martha McLendon. Third prize has been given to Thomas Parks. The five prizes of a dollar each go to Thomas Parks, T. R. Cloud, W. P. Davis, J. Q. Adams, J. T. Uptegrove and P. S. Limerick. Other contribu- tors to this issue are: Dudley Jarrett, Florence Cox, Corwin Edwards, Mary Young, Martha Burton, and Vincent Hamlin. 28 THE SHOWME An Ode to the Drug Store. Here's to the fluid That does me no good, But leaves me in that condition Of joy and bliss; The one we all miss Since National Prohibition. So what is the use Of drinking grape juice When you can get lighter, And brighter, and tighter- A regular "all nighter," On common sweet spirits of nitre. -P. S. L. "Just one, darling," he plead, as he stood in the doorway. "Just one what?" "Just one rose from your cor- sage." "Did you see me at the picture show ?" "No, but I heard you!" "I'm just a fool over him." "For why?" "He has too much tact to apolo- gize for telling a risque story." The night was raw, The party rawer; I wish that I had never sawer. We were both stewed She was the steweder; I wisht to 'ell I'd never knew'der. Someone must lose- I was the loser. She craved more hooch Could I refuser? The town was dry And she was dryer; White-mule was all That I could buyer. We found a still, Approached it stiller And bought a quart Of Red "Blues Killer." Now she was sick, But I was sicker; So I laid off This bootleg liquor. They called it splint,- (Stirred with a splinter) - And now she rests Where they don't have winter. Crimson-If Ivanhoe sells for a quarter at the Co-op, what is .Kenilworth? Cardinal and Gray-Great Scott, what a novel question !!! -Voo Doo. Trying to Make Both Ends Meet. THE SHOWME 29 LIFE "Stop!" cried the maiden. "Desist! You villain! I will not be kissed!" But the horrid man didn't obey And the girl was heard later to say, "It's a thrill which should never be missed." Now Willie's Still. Little Willie bought a still In which to make home brew. No recipe came with the still So what could Willie do? He set it up that very day. He went to work at noon. He dropped into some water A raisin and a prune. The juices all fermented And continued to until **I Since then no one has seen Either Willie or his still. -P. S. L. "Is he very rich?" "Is he? Last year he brought a Rolls-Royce to school with him and this year he brought two bot- tles of Scotch." Why Wear Silk Stockings? Camel: Why is Ethel limping this morning? Paintpot: Cut herself shaving last night. Powder: How was Miss Rouge dressed at the ball? Ragge: Oh, she had on a lovely looking skirt and a rose corsage. INDEED SO It was evening. And as such evenings go, all was still. The settler's beautiful daughter walked stealthi- ly down the beaten path. She was not alone. He walked stealthily, too. He eyed her quietly, tenderly; but it was too dark to see her. Her's was the step of the leader; his of the follower. It seemed unrea- sonable. Still, who knows but what. The large, black outline of a building loomed be- fore them. It seemed unoccupied. Maybe it was. Who knows but what. He hesitated. Strange. She insisted. Stranger. They must enter. But what if ? And then again, what if not? If he didn't, they would. If he did, they would not. Who knows but what? The moment was tense. The night was cold. The air was thick, dark. Her will was the stronger. He en- tered. She didn't. She knew that the coyotes killed sheep. He didn't. She didn't want him to be killed. So did .he. Still, who knows but what? "Say, Funnyface, do you know our chemistry prof's. a magician ?" "How come?" "He turned me into the Dean yesterday." 30 THE SHOWME Voice from Inside: John, I can't find my bathing suit. John: Did you look in your vanity case, dear? AL GETS A LETTER FROM JOE (With no apologies to Ring Lardner-as beg-your- pardons won't atone for murder.) Columbia, Mo., Nov. 23, 1920. Dear Al: Well Al, this is the 1st chanst Ive had to write to you since I lit in this here university town. Which is some -little hamlet, by the way. Well Al, you know I didn't know nobody when I came down here to M. U. but as soon as I got off the Katy Limited down here I run acrost a place owned by a friend of old man Burchett back home. You remember hearin' old man Burchett talk about Daniel Boone dont you Al? Well, he runs a tavern down here, which is what they call a hotel in this part of the country. Well Al, soon as I got up town I went into this place, which is some swell joint believe me, and asked for Mr. Boone, thinking Id give him my regards as how I know Mr. Burchett pretty well. Well Al, they's a bird at the desk what looks at me kinda funny and superior like and eyes that pink striped collar I got at Heimsteims store before I left awful envious like you know. Well he looked at me for about a mintue and busts out laffing and says "He's dead-haw, haw" just like that. Well Al, I didnt think it was a laffing matter myself but I just said thats too bad and walked out. But this town ful of smart alecks like that Al. Well I says to myself that's kind of a poor start you've made, Joe, but that don't worry us does it? So I asked a bird where I could get a room to rent till Xmas and he points to a big gray building down the street and says go to the Why. Well Al, I thought that was a funny name for a building but I went down there and they got a room for me not very far from the main campus, which is what they call the schoolyard down here. Well Al, the next thing I done was to register up. The main thing they do down here Al is line-up and thats all you do when you register. Theys always a bunch of guys in front of you and they move like snales, Al. Well if you happen to get in the right line they let you pay your dues finally but if you aint they send you somewhere else. Every once in a while a bunch of guys gets lined up in the wrong place and they bust and run around a corner to line up again like somebody's opened up a qt. of whiskey. \Well Al, I finally I got all fixed up as a student of Missouri University, or Mizzou as I have nicknamed it, and then I had to get a red cap and wear it even though it is 18 sizes too small because Im a freshman. Boy they make it tough on us freshman's down here Al. It aint nothing like high school. Boy I tell you its h-ell. Well Al, they have big football games down here all time. They sure are funny about the way they do things down here, Al. Before the games both sides gets to yellin' for each other like as if they thought it would be real mean to win and like as if they wanted the other side to beat so as they wouldn't go way feelin bad. And then the teams comes a running out and fight like h-ell trying to win and cripples up the guys on the other side. The M. U. team, or the Tigers as I have nicknamed them, sure is classy looking in their gold striped uniforms I tell you, and they sure can play football to. The next thing they're going to do is beat Kan- sas, which is the great rival of us M. U.ers Al, and dont you bet on Kansas no matter how the dope is Al, cause the Tigers is going to beat h-ell out of them. Will write again before long. Your friend, JOE. THE SHOWME 31 A Mid-Semester Lament. (With apologies to Sweet Adeline.) Geologee, My Ologee, At first you seemed So soft for me; But now I find You make me grind. You're the jinx of all my course, Geologee. -J. Q. A. Genuine Havana Filler. SHOWING MA "Why did you call your mother when I kissed you ?" "Mother said you hadn't the nerve." -Judge. "Gilmme a tin roof sundae," said the youth as he stepped up to the soda bar. "Never heard of such a thing," replied the soda squirt. "I'll tell you how to do it if you'll fix it up for me." "A'right, shoot!" Then followed a lengthy description in which the white coated clerk was called upon to mix up a little bit of everything that the fountain contained. When it was finished the youth, to use an old, old term, con- sumed it with a great deal of gusto. When he had finished he started for the door. "Hey," yelled the clerk, "how about paying for that ?" "Oh, never mind that," said the youth as he slip- ped out the door, "that's a tin roof sundae-one on the house." "The Ole Pepper." You may turn our campus upside down, You may turn the columns all around, You may even paint the mule barn green, You may blend the shamrock with purple sheen. You may take the lipsticks from our Co-eds, Let the chambermaid forget to make our beds, You may keep the T-hounds from their teas, You may stop the matinees, if you please. You may let the freshmen run the school, You may do away with every rule, But let old Kansas come and beat us- Hell no! No Jayhawk can defeat us. J. T. U. "Jimmie, Mr. Jones is asking about some jokes he left here the other day. Have you seen them?" "No, sir, we read 'em, but we couldn't see 'em." 32 THE SHOWME "What would you say, dear, if I put my arm around you?" asked the inexperienced youth. "At last," responded the lady fair. Many students have a B. A. and an M. A. but their P. A. usually supports them. An ankle slim, A calf divine. This is no bull- She's a cow of mine. Co-ed: Why didn't you find out who he was when the professor called the roll? Another Co-ed: I did try to, but he answered for four different names. There was a young prof. at Mizzou Who thought there was naught he couldn't do. In speeches quite bold Awful tales he has told Of the vices and sins at M. U. "Henry is quite an interior dec- orator." "Yes, he decorates all the par- lors." "I want a wife," the youth de- clared- "Though looks are not essential- I want a girl who is prepared To be quite deferential." "Why do you drink so continually?" "I can't afford to lose the momentum of the first few shots." THE SHOWME *ea A damsel was taking the air In a suit that she wore on a dare. 'Twas an eye-filling sight And 'twas daring all right, For the boys all exclaimed, "She's a bare!" There was a young lady named Stella, Who in summer wore furs and umbrella. Three ounces, no more, Weighed the dress that she wore When the weather was colder than hella. -American Legion Weekly. KNOWS KNICE KNEES. Robert: Is Evelyn modest? Ruth: Extremely. She even hides her dimples. Robert: She must wear a heavy veil. Ruth: How old fashioned you are! -Dirge. FAMILY IMPEDIMENT "Hello, old man, haven't seen you here for a long time. You haven't been playing much golf late- ly ? By the way what's your handicap now?" "My wife." -Spare Moments. "How can you tell the difference between light and heavy opera?" "By the weight of the costumes." -The Princeton Tiger COMING OFF Forsythe: Stumbled into the dressing room at the Joyous Theater by mistake last night. Sinker: What was going on? Forsythe: Nothing to speak of. -Dirge. "I've got a keen girl now-she has a car." "Wonderful. I've never met her have I? I'll see you downtown sometime." "Do that, old man, I'll wave." -Iowa Frivol THE OPTIMISM OF YOUTH Newsboy-All 'bout de awful wreck! Old Lady-I want a paper. Newsboy-Sure, lady, maybe one of your friends was killed. -Judge. Prof-What were the landed gentry? Stude-The marriedmen, sir. -The Brown Jug Minister-Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement? Miss Ala Mode-I'm crazy to try it. Is it any- thing like the shimmy ? -Chapparal. IT MIGHT GO OFF, AT THAT. First Simple Nimrod-Hey, don't shoot. The gun isn't loaded. His Partner-Can't help that, the bird won't wait. -Mass. Voo Doo. "I bought a storage battery yesterday." "What did it cost?" "Oh, nothing. I had it charged." -The Brown Jug "Maw says you can't kiss me anymore, Willie Jones, 'cause you might get microbes and I might get your crobes." -Sun Dial 34 THE SHOWME QUEER QUERIES QOULUMN By La Fontaine Penn The Thursday Club has made up a purse for the most unfortunate man in the world. Could you sug- gest a claimant? -E. G. G. Secretary. Address Lieut. Shaver, Kelly Field, San Antonio, Tex., who fell from his airplane into a cactus field last week. Who is the luckiest man that ever lived? -J. Willard. Romeo, who barely escaped mar- ried life. Why do policemen wear rubber heels ? -E. Z. Walker. So as not to awaken the officers on the adjoining beats. Why does a crane stand on one leg in the water? -Luke McG. To keep his body dry. What is this season's best hu- morous fiction? -Literary. The 18th amendment. Who ,really discovered the Mis- sissippi River? -H. Tuhoo. Congressman Volstead. Why do the girls all wear rolled stockings ? -Observer. To keep their legs warm. What's the difference between a profiteer and a burgler? -Closefist. The latter must be more diligent. Why did Jesse James always ride a horse and carry a gun? -Romantic. He didn't own a store, so could not sell anybody anything. I'm going to St. Louis tomorrow. Please suggest a good place to stop. -Katy. Try the Union Station. Why does the wild winter wind moan so? -Worried. Because the girls wear those shapeless wool stockings. Yes, Nature Is certainly Wonderful Did w You ever See A pair Of lips That wouldn't Fit? -Pelican. BAND OF 25 STAGES $67,540 WHISKY THEFT ' Headline At the prevailing liquor prices this would mean about half a pint a man. The Alternative. Sign on a Kansas farm: WARNING TO TRAMPS We keep a dog. And remember, there are just two kinds of folks- THE QUICK AND THE DEAD -American Legion Weekly. MAN HELD UP-ROBBED IN FRONT OF HIS HOME -Headline Just a question of who got to him first-the bandit or his wife. Just Supposin'. Hazel-Aren't the profs around here theoretical? Nut-I'll say so. Professor No- witz starts off every morning with, "Now, class, suppose you had a dollar." -Pelican Here's How. Sarah-Did she give you a cor- dial welcome? Brum-More than that; some welcome cordial. -Record Depends on the Viewpoint. "Have you prepared for this class ?" "Yes, sir." "What have you done for it?" "Brushed my hair and shaved." -Record. BANDIT WAS WEDDED TWO HOURS AFTER PAY ROLL ROBBERY -Headline If he had to loot a pay roll to marry, what'll he have to steal to support her? "Dearest, do you know how much I love you? "No, lover, but I know how often!" THE SHOWME 35 Packard's Latest Twin Chicks Model. Fuel consumption, 2 quarts a day. Will not run in low speed. Upkeep expense high. Ask the man who owns two. ON THE HONEYMOON. Mrs. Newlywed-Why does the whistle blow, dear? Mr. N.-Because we ate approaching either a sta- tion, a bridge or a tunnel, pet! Mrs. N.-Oh, I hope it's a tunnel-Punch Bowl. AN ODE TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN AT CHRISTIAN This is the night that the wolves come out, slick haired, nose keen for the scent. I must be watchful lest they elude me and consum- mate evil intent. Oh I must be watchful I must take care I must nose out each dark beckoning lair. I must guard the poor woolies from the curve of the stair. For this is the night of the wolves. I must ride herd on the poor woolie flock, clustered 'neath garlands of crepe. Wolfish undergrad' arms shall not crush the tulle of evening gear all out of shape. Oh I must be watchful I must take care Some will get by and sit two on a chair. A few will slip out to the curve of the stair. For this is the night of the wolves. THE DOMESTIC LABOR QUESTION On the 'phone-"Hello! Is this the woman that wanted the lady to wash tomorrow?" -Michigan Gargoyle. Sniffle Hark A voice But what's a voice? Ah, that's the point, 'Tis just 'tis- The wires were crossed,- It was not her voice,- Or maybe she had a cold. Maybe not But if a cold,- What's a cold,- Between friends? Usually two colds, Ultimately. -Mystery N. 36 THE SHOWME Ask Dad, He Knows. Why, Oh why- That is the question When, Where, Who, Which,- All are useless, Irrelevant- There can be but one, But who can tell, And then again, Who cannot! All else is other, Out and not, Except the all-important Why? Oh why inel Can't we have our Beer? -Fruit Cake. Said a pious divine from Bologne, To a beautiful maiden named Stogne, "Do you go out at night ?" "Oh, no, but I might, I'm willing enough to be shogne." E. He-Please, Mabel, just once more before I say good night. She-All right, if you'll promise not to ask me again. And she play- ed the "Third Hungarian Rhap- sody." Nill-Why is a football like a so- ciety belle? Bill-Shoot, if you must. Nill-Neither one has any shape without being laced. -Jack-o'-Lantern Hattie: Helen is a decided blonde. Catty: Yes, she decided to be- come a blonde just before the barnwarming. Prof.-Have you a doctor's cer- tificate to cover your absence? Clever Stude-No, sir. You see I'm a Christian Scientist.--Widow. FOUR SHOTS IN AN OFFICER'S BODY -Headline. Convincing. Flora-What makes you think you are the first girl he ever kissed? Dolores-Because he didn't say so.-Punch Bowl. When a man is polite to his wife it does not follow that he is afraid of her. He may be merely absent- minded.-Tiger. It is understood that, hereafter, lemonade straws are to be served with all soup orders in Columbia restaurants. "What would you say to lending me ten dollars?" "I wouldn't say anything, but my bank account would howl like the devil." THE SHOWME 38 THE SHOWME The poet sings of light that lies And lies and lies in women's eyes- And that same wit Will do hit bit To make those same eyes wise .. Some people say to drink's a sin And state that Hell is full of gin Now if that's so There's folks I know Who'd be fighting to get in . . I've often heard the story told of dries that never drink, And just as oft another yarn of black-birds that are pink- But not a word Have I yet heard, Of pumpkin pies that think.. Some one told me that he had seen a cast-iron macaroon, Another man had had a ride up in a lead balloon- But who in fate Would expectorate At a crepe-de-chine spittoon? . . . i've heard folks say that salmon sing That Bryan knows most ev'rything- But if you can Show me the man Who's heard a dumb-bell ring! . . . Once lived a guy called Omar Khayam, Who used a pencil much like I am, And he kept drunk On home-brewed junk, Just as I on the sly am . Some girls I know act mad when kissed, While there are some who will assist; But one told me That all would be Sooner kissed than missed! . . . The sages say that ev'ry man had ought to have a wife, Some one to darn his worn-out sox and regulate his life. But as for me From what I see Cold toes beat married strife! . It seems the right of women folks to powder face and throat, On pretty faces well fixed up, I'll own up that I dote- But I must state I surely hate To have to brush my coat! . . Some man who knows the ladies wrote, "Old fashioned girls are hard to note." I disagree Right now I see A girl who wears a petticoat . . UNIVERSITY BARBER SHOP "Where did you get those El Hempos?" "Harry sent them up from Havana." "He surely knows the ropes down there, doesn't he ?" -Puppet. "DOWN AND OUT" "Down on the station platform, Bathed in the cold wintry breeze, Shy, long ago, of its contents, Nothing inside it to freeze, Shorn of its former glory, Drained of the last amber dreg, Bungless, beerless and friendless, Stands an empty eight-gallon keg." -Exchange "Villain! Why do you laugh?" she cried, eyes flashing dramatical- ly. His stern coolness faded away. "But I have to laugh," he pleaded. "I wouldn't be the villain if I didn't." Suitor (after his third refusal) : Must my days go unwarmed by your love? Practical suitee: I'm afraid so, but you might try a portable elec- tric stove instead. Cheerful Diner. "What, you call that a sausage? It makes me laugh." "That's good, sir. Most people swear." -Meggendorfer Blatter (Munich) NO WELLS' The Dryest Story in the World. An Irishman and a Scotchman were standing at a bar and the Irishman had no money. -Louisville Herald. A teacher was reading to her class, when she came across the word "unaware." She asked if any one knew the meaning. One little girl timidly raised her hand and gave the following defini- tion: "Unaware is what you put on first and take off last!" -Exchange. "Man wants but little here be- low-" Was written very long ago. -American Legion Weekly. COLLEGE INN Probably Means "Toot the Bell." The traffic rules of Japan in- clude this one: "When you meet the horse or the cow, speed slow- ly, and take care to ring the horn." But suppose the cow objects to having her horn so treated ? -Boston Transcript. John and his wife had gone to the beach for a little swim. His wife called to him from the dress- ing room: "Oh! I can't go swimming be- cause I'can't find my bathing suit." John replied: "Look again dear, maybe you have it on." Look Into This One. She-I wish you'd look the other way. Young Brother-He can't help the way he looks. -Sun Dial. BRA SEL TON'S THE SHOWME 41 "What do you think of her features ?" "Fair, but they seem a little bow-legged." Black-Did you ever go fishing with a girl? White-Once. Black-Did she protest against hurting the fish? White-No; she said she was sure they were all perfectly hap- py because they were wagging their tails. -Voo Doo. No, Ichabod, if a man prof. married a lady prof. you would not call their children prophets. -Sun Dial. Hixon-Connelly 42 THE SHOWME QUESTION OF JUDGMENT. Bill: Do you think betting is wrong? John: Well, the way I bet generally is. -Foolscap. A SLOW TRAIN. "Is this a. fast train?" the salesman asked the conductor. "Of course it is," was the reply. "I thought it was. Would you mind my get- ting out to see what it is fast to?" -Sonora Bell. THE PENNANT Edgar Hornbeck, Prop. Art is a beautiful creation, but where photography excels art, is the studio of Sid Whiting's in St. Louis, that will, when you are in the city, allow special rates to all U. of M. students. This Studio produces more fine Photographs than any other; also makes 70 per cent of College and University photos done in St. Louis. A visit will assure you.-Adv. Some Dad!! Father-What time do you go to bed, son? Son-Between nine and ten, fa- ther. Father-That's too many in one bed!! -Voo Doo. Among the Missing. The Girl-You make me think of Venus de Milo. The Boy-But I have arms. The Girl-Oh, have you? -Voo Doo. Columbia Floral Co. .Teacher (in a lesson on evolu- tion) : Willie, what lies between man and monkey?' Willie: A cage! Mary: "How did the. shimme originate?" George: "It was originated by a fat lady riding down the street in a Ford." BELIEVE IN SIGNS? Seen in front of the barracks: "Don't walk on the grass-it dulls the blades." -Ohio State Lantern. IN THE STREET CAR. Small man: Have you plenty of room, madam? Fat lady: Yes, thank you. Small man: Well then give me a little, please. -Widow. She-Sir, have you taken a drink? He-No is one"'fissing? -Gargoyle. A HINT. Stump olator: "I want reform; I want gov- ernment reform; I want labor reform; I want- Voice: "Chloroform." -Record. Prof: Gentlemen, I am dismissing you ten min- utes early today. Please go out quietly so as not to wake the other classes. -Record. LIMITED EXPERIENCE. Physiology prof: What do you know about cells? Student: Not very much, sir. I've only been in two. -Gargoyle. Levy's "Quality Footwear" SAMPSON The Attorney for the Gas Company was mak- ing an address. "Think of the good the gas com- pany has done. If I were permitted to make a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, 'Honor the LIGHT BRIGADE.' " Voice of the consumer from the audience: "Oh, what a charge they made !" -Exchange. BY WAY OF REJOINDER He-Why do you want the ballot? She-To keep you men from voting cigarette prohibition. -Tar Baby. Hazel: I haven't slept for days. Eyes: 'Smatter? Sick? Hazel: No; I sleep nights. -Jester. "Who was Diana?" "Diana was the goddess of the chase." "I s'pose that's why she always has her pic- ture taken in a track suit." -Juggler. NAUGHTY-CAL. Ensign: Seaman Johnson, what is a kiss? Gob: A pleasure smack, sir. -Jester. "You're an awful bore," sighed the cork. 'Huh. I've gotten you out of many a tight place," retorted the corkscrew. -Siren. "You've got an awful line," said the fish to the angler. -Gargoyle. A woman is as old as she looks-a man is not old until he stops looking. -Burr. Young lady (pointing to picture of Sir Gala- had) : "Who is that in that picture?" New pledge: "Oh, that's one of the older fel- lows, I don't know his name." -Awgwan. Millers She--What kind of a snake is that? He--That is what is called a garter snake. She--Oh, it couldn't be, it's much too mall. -Gargoyle. The lskimos sleep in bear skins, Up in the North I'm told. Last night I slept in my bear skin And caught a hell of a cold. -Orange Peel. "I have somewhat of a rolling gait," spoke the dice. "Yes," agreed the deck of cards, "while I merely shuffle along." -Sun Dodger. Prof: "What are the exports of Virginia?" Stude: "Tobacco and livestock, sir." Prof: "Livestock? What kinds of livestock?" Stude: "Camels, sir." -Awgw:an. "Why did you tell him you had to go to the dressing room for some cold cream?" asked the chaperon. "I had to do something to get the chap off my hands," answered the co-ed. -The Siren. "Pipe down," said the plumber as he lowered the tubing into the hole. -Gargoyle. She: "I'm learning to play billiards and I find it's a lot like life." He: "Yes, one little kiss can cause a lot of trouble." -Widow. IMPERIAL TAILORING CO. Rex Barber Shop Tavern Drug Store Heberlings He-Hold the wire please. She-I'm afraid I'll be shocked. -Banter. Said the bridegroom to the gloomy-looking man: "Well, old man, have you kissed the bride?" "Not lately," replied the g. 1. m. as he passed out into the starry night. -Wampus. A Very Bashful Young Lady (entreatingly)- Jack, don't tell anybody you took me home, will you? Mother would be furious. Jack-Don't worry. I'm as much ashamed of it as you are. -Voo Do. Flivver-What is the most you ever got out of your car? Henry-Oh, about seven times in onne block. is my record. -Orange Peel. "Combination shot," murmured the lady cue artist as she leaned too far over the billiard table. -Banter. What would the eastern sport' writers do for stories if they couldn't immortalize a Brickley, a Hor- ween, or a Hobie Baker, and proclaim him hero "be- fore 40,000 wildly gesticulating fans." "Mother, may I go out tonight?" "No, my darling Jill; Father and I go out tonight- You'll have to tend the still." -Chaparral, My neighbor has a saxophone. I hate him. Each time I hear its blearing tone; I hate him. Some morn' I'll hie me from my bed. And break that darn horn on his head. And then he'll know, if he's not dead, I hate him. Briggs-"Son, win any letters at college?" Braggs--"Came back with a stack of I.O.U.'s" -Sun Dial. Dorn-Cloney Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. THE PHI BETA KAPPA. He has a key for which he craves the door, A chance to crack the world and call for more. -Chaparral. "Yes, I'm a Bolshevik," insisted the long-hair- ed youth. If I had my way, I'd blow up the White- House." "Huh," replied the unimpressed young damsel, "'you're too killing for words, aren't you?" -Exchange. Jack-Do you object to kissing on sanitary grounds? Jacquette-Oh, no. Jack-Then let's take a li'l stroll through the infirmary. -Sun Dodger. No, Waltham, it is not the high price of clocks that makes them strike. -Chaparral. Pollyanna THE PALMS Flora-The man that I marry must be clever. Dora-My dear, clever men remain single. -Chapparal. There was once a bellicose Sioux Whose outlook on life grioux tioux blioux His squaw caused him grief: She eloped with the chief, And wrote, "I am not trioux tioux yioux. -Lampoon. A Chicago scribe has a column entitled, "Do you remember way back when"-. We see no such notice as "Do you remember way back when Joe Jackson jur.ped the Indians for the shipyards and th? Sox called him low down,--but the next year he was in the outfield getting all the plaudits from the Sox roct- ers on their own team. Don't Miss the HOMECOMING MIXER Thursday, Nov. 25, at 8 o'clock IN ACADEMIC HALL Old Grads, Meet the Old Guards Dancing Department Stunts BIG 8-PIECE ORCHESTRA Fatima Cigarettes Gordon & Koppel