The Showme September, 1922The Showme September, 192220081922/09image/jpegUniversity of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show192209The Showme September, 1922; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1922
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The SHOWME for September 1922
Grasp the paper firmly, turn it upside down-
Oh you little d---1.
In the clutches number
Vol. III No. I
University of Missouri
Price 25 Cents
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THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
THE WOMAN IN THE FOG
The man in the hotel lobby looked up from the
evening paper. As he did so the figure of a girl
passed and with it the fragrance of a sunkissed
flower. His eyes followed her. The innocence of a
nun, the form of an angel, and the features of a
goddess were hers to command. In his heart of
hearts he knew that he loved her. Knew with that
divine, godgiven instinct that he had wandered a
lonely pilgrim vainly seeking such a girl as she.
Impulsively he sprang to his feet and followed. Yet
how was he to meet her? His sense of propriety
dictated that a forced introduction would brand
him an interloper in her eyes and spoil whatever
chances he might have of accomplishing that which
he most desired. Still he followed.
Out, out into the night, surrounded by an al-
most impenetrable fog, he pursued. The flickering
gleam of an arc light revealed her to be some paces
ahead. Casting aside all precaution he resolved to
accost her and take whatever consequences result-
ed. He pressed on, was about to overtake her,
when halt! Another form disentangled itself from
the merky density. Her follower reeled and stag-
gered back uttering a sob. She had stopped a inan.
A Store for Students
"U" Win With
The Better Class Shoes for Men
JACK SCHROEDER, Mgr.
French Shriner & Urner
1018 Walnut St.
KANSAS CITY - - -- MISSOURI
Mail Orders Given Prompt Attention
FOR Sixty-five years this institu-
tion has been the banking
headquarters for hundreds of
University students. The Univers-
ity and the Boone County National
have grown alongside each other
and are inseparable in the minds of
the "Old Grads".
Boone County National Bank
R. B. Price. President
2 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Quart 50c Half Gallon $1.00
Our Idea of Work-.
Giving the anesthetic while a tree surgeon op-
"I'll give you my hand on it," said the butcher
as. he weighed out the meat.
The man who is a whizz on a davenport is oft-
times a whizzer in his classes.
Going through the rye today leads to the grave
O Tempora! O Mush!
The race is ending neckin' neck.
How far does a dew drop?
Military School Grad.: "This is a bum unit.
Last year you imported the cussingnest colonel in
the A. E. F. just to bawl you out when you made
Local Napoleon: "Ye-ah! An' he was here
six months before he had a chance to say an unkind
Policewoman: "I'll have to take your name."
Anti-Vol: "Shorry, mum, but-hic-I'm mar-
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 3
Reserve your Decorations
and Bouquets for
Your Rush Parties
Columbia Floral Co.
Phone 366 7th & Broadway
The Showme is published monthly from September
until March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed
of students of the University of Missouri, at the Vir-
ginia Building, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class
matter, November 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Colum-
bia, Mo., under the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription;
price $1.50 a year or twenty-five cents a copy when pur-
chased from newsstands.
Bust her neck or she'll bust you neckin'.
719 E. Broadway
The place to buy
You can't go wrong in
buying your footwear
MISS BYARS Phone 716
THIS IS THE
SHA CK THAT
Where you get
205 S. 9th Phone 1580
4 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
"At first Alice wouldn't say whether she loved
me or not."
"And did you succeed in making her tell?"
"Yes, I finally squeezed it out of her."
A Phi Delta Theta named Joe,
Manicuring the lawn with a hoe,
Watched the view down the street
Instead of his feet;
I know that it's sad, but it's so.
Hinks: "Did you ever try to trace back your
Jinks: "Yes, but I got stumped."
A bath is like a college education-once you get
it, no one can ever take it away from you.
Richards' Market is in Co-
lumbia, noted for extreme care
given to Quality and Sanita-
tion in the handling of all
Start the year right by arrang-
ing with us to give you this
service, and the cost is no
more than you pay for ordi-
Phone Two Seven "Oh"
Ross-Kinloch Hat Shop
Come in, we'll show you every
We have the hats and we've
co me to stay.
Aunt Alice and Inabel
Letter Heads, Envelopes, Cards,
Dance Programs, Menus, Student
Letters, Rushing Cards, etc.
J. Guy McQuitty
Phone 930-Black 911-A Broadway
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 5
WHAT IS YOUR FUTURE WORTH?
Your Worth Is Measured By What You Can Do! What Are You Worth Today?
What Will You Be Worth Five Years From Now?
Your regard for self-improvement, your attitude
toward systematic study, your decision to satisfy
today, that you may enjoy tomorrow, will tell.
Take your future seriously. Plan Ahead!
ROSENTHAL SCHOOL OF COMMERCE
Haden Building Phone 1095
A Wet One.
"What is your idea of the tightest man in col-
"The guy who won't take a shower because
they soak you too much."
He: "May I have this dance?"
She: "Yes, if you can find someone to dance
Which: "How do you know that Jack wanted
to hug you last night?"
Hazel: "Because he never does anything
against his will."
If John Jones who deserted his wife and baby
twenty years ago, will return, said baby will knock
his block off.
Smart footwear for every occasion for each day
6 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
In the Clutches
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Volume 3 Number 1
Bible Lesson for the Month
1. And Solomon sent his youngest son Cash-
em into the West to get wisdom from the star-gaz-
ers and professors which Pharoah had gathered to-
2. And Solomon said, Cashem, watch thy
bank account that it get not low, and thy check-
stubs that they are kept up to date.
3. And keep thy robe pressed well, and thy
sandals and teeth brushed nightly. And Cashem
promised diligently to look after all these things.
4. So Cashem went abroad with the good
wishes of the household and a draft on the State
5. And found rooms at the big city, and stud-
ied the wisdom of the ancient men.
6. The tales the stars told were his, and the
histories of fools and men.
7. Likewise did he go to the feasts of
Pharaoh, and the celebrations and the weekly blow-
outs, and saw many beautiful maidens there.
8. But when he looked on them, he remem-
bered the words of his father.
9. And if one came to him and said, I am
hungry, he would answer her gravely, Art thou?
10. And if one said, I wish to be taken home
by the Elite Chariot Service, he would reply, It is
a beautiful night for walking, nor are the stones of
the street hard to the touch.
11. But there came one whose cheek was as
the cherry blossom, and whose lip was the color of
the west when the sun goes down.
12. And Cashem said to himself, Surely this
is no ordinary person. And he looked again into
her eyes, and was sure of it.
13, And she said, I am hungry. And Cashem
said, Nothing my father has is too good for thee.
14. And she said, I wish to ride home. And
Cashem hailed a gold chariot with mother of pearl
trimmings, and tipped the driver thereof.
15. And in ten days Cashem received a tele-
gram from home.
16. And when Cashem had presented himself
before his father, and had talked industriously for
nigh unto half the morning, King Solomon stopped
17. What is this, that thou hast cashed four
drafts on me in the last three days? And I hear
that thou hast been going a pace with a certain
young person in the big city.
18. Know ye not that it is said, A wise man
keepeth his coin, but a fool will have expensive
19. And again, The purpose of a wise man is
to teach, but who can drive anything into the head
of a night-owl?
20. He who studies astronomy should not
stay up every night; yea, he should see the sun
21. And a long, ponderous, and altogether
unpleasant silence followed the King's words.
22. At last Cashem spoke, She said she knew
you, father, when you in your young days went
thither to seek wisdom.
23. And Cashem returned by the next camel-
8 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Knick: "The sea always reminds me of Ger-
Knack: "In what way?"
Knick: "It is too deep for me."
The young college man wrote
Feverishly for two, whole seconds
Without drawing his breath;
Those about in the
Restaurant marvelled at his
"Probably a genius in the rough,
Like Schubert writing a masterpiece
On the back of a menu",
He finished; a deep sigh escaped his
"Will you please add your phone
Number below?" said the waiter.
-V. A. W.
She, to golfer husband: "Why it is John that
this Colonel Bogy you are always playing with nev-
er comes to the club dances?"
"I met the most wonderful'man this summer."
"You know we always summer in the moun-
"Awf'y glad to see you again old top-er-by
the way, I've forgotten your name."
"Why I thought you finished last year."
"Who, me-? Nope, I'm going to study this
"Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry, but really, I'm dated;
up until Christmas." (And she's Freshman enough
to think that he believes it.)
"Old man, our frat can't get along without
"Yeah, we had a great time in Columbia this
"Get your campus tickets here!"
"I had to come by train; my car broke dowr
before I left."
"Board-? We charge $7.50 for three meals a
"No, Jack I haven't had a date all summer."
No, Hortense, three one-dollar bills do not
make a crowd.
The Crack of Doom
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 9
"Poor old Bill Jones; his wife was killed when the kitchen stove blew up, and Bill died when he
heard the report." "Where was Bill when it happened?" "On the other side of the stove."
A soft filmy cloud partially hid the moon from
view and cast a gentle shadow over the garden. In
the indistinct light near the fountain stood a form
as soft and filmy as the cloud in the heavens above.
White fluffy gauze floated from it in the gentle
night breeze. The form stirred as a gate in the dis-
tant end of the garden creaked, and as the moon
brushed away the cloud from his face the bewitch-
ing outline of a girl was revealed leaning half to-
ward the dark figure that had entered the garden.
"Cecil," came a soft call from between her lips,
lavender in the cold light of the moon. "Cecil," she
called again, but the dark one approaching did not
answer. Coming up to her he caught her in his
arms and kissed her- "Cec-," she cried, but it
wasn't-and he didn't.
While Falling for the Bobbetts.
In a recent psychology test a porch-parker was
requested to go out and take note of the first dozen
objects that distinctly attracted his atention. He
returned and reported eleven bobbetts and a bull
dog. (He fell over the bull dog.)
Sinners Take Note.
(Blast furnace, two devils looking within.)
"Those poor mortals think that place is hot."
"Yes, and it's colder'n hell."
Headline in Macon, Mo., paper.-Stork Partial
10 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
SHOWME Published by Students ot the
University of Missouri
THE SHOWME, Virginia Building
Vol. III, No. 1 Columbia, Missouri $1.50 a Year
GERALD F. PERRY .--......-..................---- Managing Editor
F. P. GASS .----....-----..... --...............Literary Editor J. Q. ADAMS .................----.......---.......The Other Editor
L. C. KASSELBAUM, Mgr.
ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT ASSISTANTS Associates CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT
James Boyle, Local Fritz Schroeder Lawrence Freeman J. T. Gove, Mgr.
Nelson J. Riley. Foreign William Armstrong Dorothy Keens
W. McAfee Ralph Taylor
old man work
Welcome-Showme is glad to see you back!
Showme is also glad to be back. We will execute
the usual song and dance for new contributions
this yetr-for a time this summer it looked as
though it would be a swan song and the dance a
death one. Several old time friends, however, came
to the rescue with copy and although not every-
thing we would like to have done in this issue
was done, we trust that the earmarks of vacation
and golf are not too evident.
The policy of the Showme remains unchanged.
We will continue to razz and to be razzed and we
shall not get personal in doing so.
,We will have regard for no class nor for
classes, and nothing will be considered immune
from attack should it need it. We want you to
laugh with us and to help us make others laugh.
We want you to become a regular contributor.
Make the Showme your magazine and make it a
Tiger institution worthy to represent the funny
side of the greater University.
The next issue of the Showme will be the "Long
Skirts" number. Anyone who wishes to submit copy
for this number should get it in by September 18-
take your pen in hand (or both of 'em, if necessary)
and go to it.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 11
RESHMAN, take heed! As a senior in high
school you were, no doubt, quite the plush
cushion. As a freshman in the University. of Mis-
souri you are not.
Heed the freshman rules. Wear that cap. On-
ly poor sportsmanship will make you try to avoid do-
ing so and Missouri is no place for poor sports.
Stay out of poolhalls. Methods of study in the
University are far different than you are accustom-
ed to and you can't get used to the mother tongue in
college by studying the English on the greentop
Scorn the filthy weed while on the campus or
you will find yourself far more popular than you
would have anticipated.
Use your eyes and ears much and your mouth
little-except at football games and then open up
and bear down.
Above all-remember you are still a Fresh-
In all the volume of literature, printed and un-
printable, asserts the college man, there has been
one piece of good advice which has been overlook-
Don't be collegiate. Be intelligent. The sign
of the college man is not the rah-rah tee, the devil-
come-get-me checked suit, nor yet the tan-and-
cream brogues; it is not the Cleopatra stare nor the
Oh-Lizzie complexion for the meaner sex. It is not
necessary to puff a picturesque briar and wear
horn-rims; it is not requisite to wear a double Cup-
id's-bow-lip to advertise your invasion into the
realms of higher knowledge. Don't wear your fra-
ternity pins as a semi-armor plate, and under no
condition memorize a line to spring upon all occa-
casions. These are not the signs of the college bred.
There are other aims for the college man;
there is no better time to start their accomplish-
ment than right now. Be a great man, and begin
this month. Look at Napoleon; look at George
Washington, Morse, Henry Ford. They all started
And once more,-the road to success is not in
being collegiate, but in being intelligent. Be n(
a snuggle-pup. Abhor the couch-cootie. Shun the
habitue of the porch swing. Be intelligent.
the honor system
"To die, or not to die, that is the question."
There were times in the past when the honor sys-
tem, gasping for breath, wondered what it was all
about and if there was any use. Spurned by some
classes of students, treated with indifference by
others and scoffed at and made light of by certain
types of professors and instructors it has in the past
two years seemed almost a futile thing-ready to
pass on to the Great Beyond where the bones of
Any why-? Because many have seen fit to
dress it in a shroud instead of its proper sport
clothes. The honor system is merely to see if you
are man enough to brace up and play the game like
a man. It discloses whether you are game enough
to dig out your education for yourself or whether
you are going to let father pay the bills and your
fellow students do the work. True, the Lord helps
those who help themselves-but unless they use
discretion in that which they help themselves to,
He helps them to jail.
The honor system should be a thing of Tiger
Spirit. Play the game square and above board.
This goes for professors who insist on posting mon-
itors-and there are some who do-as well as for
students who insist on taking their examinations to
class already written out.
A Little Strong.
She called her lover onions, because he made
With the present coal shortage students will
find their wood much more acceptable to the city
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Your hair is black, and when I dance
With you, I get a jawful.
I like your judgment very well,
But Oh! Your taste is awful.
Bobbed hair on a girl six feet tall.
The Poor Woiking Goil.
The girl next door is a hard worker-she works
hard all morning getting rid of the effects of the
night before, and works hard all afternoon getting
ready for the night to come.
"Aw kiss me, and we'll call it square."
"This sea wall meets every wave squarely."
"Ah, a regular water meter."
YE CO-ED CALENDAR
On Monday it's an Engineer,
And on Tuesday it's an Ag,
On Wednesday it's an Academ,
With a little bit of jag.
On Thursday it's a B. P. A.
Who gets the honor for the day,
On Friday it's who's givin' the dance,
To be her beau that gets the chance.
On Saturday it's the Assembly hound
Who gets to take her all around;
And on Sunday-well it's hard to tell
Which one she'll speed along too well.
"Waiter, there's no oyster in this soup!"
"No sir, it's the oyster's night out."
Landlady (to prospective boarder) "Aren't
you the young man who stole those solid silver
spoons from me last year?"
The P. B.: "No ma'am, and besides they were
not solid silver."
From PDQ (Akron, Ohio)
Snappy tunes by the Goodyear Rubber Band.
"How did they finish at the Centipede Derby?"
"Old Side-winder won by about six feet."
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 13
Ye Comic Editor of Paleolithic Times
He thought it a good joke until a playful friend-
came along and then the joke was on him.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Romance of Rudolph
Being the Diary of a Neanderthal Man.
THIRD Day of the Month of Fishes. This be-
ing Evaline's birthday I took a tame dinosaur
to the Spearhead home and gave it to her. Here
complications developed; Evaline's small sister ac-
cidentally roused it, and it bit off two fingers. Fath-
er Spearhead much in anger in consequence thereof,
and forbids me to see Evaline any more.
Fourth-Day. Was this day chased out of the
cave of Father Spearhead. He asked me why I
thought the dinosaur bit little Heloise the day be-
fore. In my usual spritely manner I replied, "Be-
cause the dino saw her." - I did not stop running
for five miles, Father Spearhead having by that time
contracted a bad case of the heaves.
Fifth Day. Am still in a state of strained re-
lation with the Spearhead family. Was sitting as us-
ual on the boulders before the Spearhead cave, try-
ing to outwait my much respected but nincompoop
rivals, David Moonface and Archibald Toadleigh,
when Father Spearhead appeared at the mouth of
the cave and threw his hatchet at me, shouting that
I should never come near him again. It seems that
the pet dinosaur which I gave Evaline came upon
the clothes line, and ate the family fig-leaves, for
which minor cause I am in disfavor with the Spear-
heads. As if there were no more Fig-leaves!
Ninth Day. I hear that Moonface and Toad-
leigh were both invited to the Spearhead's for din-
Eleventh Day. Had one of my usual brilliant
ideas today. I wrote a poem to her! This is the
first such idea I ever heard of being put into prac-
tice. I chipped industriously all morning, breaking
two chisels and a hatchet, but at last completed a
very neat missive which was not more than my own
height. This is the poem.
Oh, come into my cavern kitchenette,
(Park your club and hatchet, please, outside;)
See the handsome granite parlor set
I traded for alligator's hide.
See the metamorphic rug I bought,
See the hearth and antique stone twin beds.;
See the furnishings of palm-leaves wrought;
See the dining room in soft volcanic reds.
We're on the topmost ledge; the cave is light,
And facing south; we have a lovely view.
Our janitor is humble and polite.
We have a smokeless heating system, too.
There's running water found within a mile,-
You'll find no other cave that's half so fine.
The lease I signed will last us quite a while;
Besides, the landlord is a friend of mine.
Won't you come and cook my meals for me!
Cook my mastodonic steak and stew!
No other girl can climb as mean a tree,
Or throw as mean a club so straight as you.
No other girl can catch as many fish,
"Or get as many beaus as you can get.
I swear I'll satisfy your slightest wish,-
Oh, won't you come into my cavern kitchenette
In the evening I took it as near the Spearhead
cave as I could, and then threw it in. I will go ir
the morning to see the effects on Evaline.
Fifteenth Day. My idea worked perfectly, bu;
not quite in the way I had expected. Evaline is nov
my own. I went to the Spearhead cave the nexi
day, and found that the love poem which I hai
carved, and which weighed approximately a tonl
had hit Father Spearhead in the head, and had dis-
abled him temporarily. I took this opportunity oi
clubbing Evaline into acceptance, and we are nomw
living most enjoyably together.
OUR QUESTION BOX
Iniquitous: No. Yes, if she has never been
kissed before. No.
Disturbed: It would be better not to tell her.
you are broke. Land ladies find that out sooln
Unhappy: Don't worry, there's another sum-
Co-ed: That's right, call it Home Economics
and bear down on the Economics-his salary might
not be large.
Or Lacked Scenery.
"I can't understand it," said the producer of
the show to the sweet young thing. "That panto-
mine I am putting on was a big hit in France but
here it is falling flat."
"Oh, that's easy," she replied. "Perhaps the
translation is bad."
The world's best golfer is Old Pop Time; he
goes round twice in twelve every day.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
"George, will you ever kiss another girl?"
"No, dear, never again!"
16 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Hymn of Hate
(With apologies to Dorothy Parker)
I 'hate professors
They are so unnecessary.
There are the English profs.
They spend long hours correcting our
Spelling and reading meaningless poems to us.
They tell us all about stories and how they should
But who ever saw one of their stories in print?
They go into ectasy over Bacon and Shapespeare
when I am
More interested in bacon and eggs.
They demand realism in our themes and that we
write about something
We know, and when we turn in a crap shooters
They flunk us. They are always chasing misplaced
Think that red ink is a barn paint. A split infini-
Is a sign for them to go into a rage, and they expect
Mentally unbalanced to produce balanced sentences.
They tell us they hate to hear us talk slang-
We hate to hear them talk at all.
Then there are the history profs.
They tell stale jokes that Noah would have been
And move all the girls to the front seat so that they
Can better observe their progress. ,
They are intimate with all the old kings and call
Their first names and say nasty things about them.
They dote on dates and long assignments in library
Books that are never in.
They always write a new textbook every year-
And make you buy every one from the first effort
on down to date.
Then after you have slept through the class hour
Tell you to make a careful note of what. they have
As it will be used in examination.
They give quizzes on Monday mornings
And they are shocked to see such a low
Average. They say history repeats itself and
They give as a practical example
Their having to awaken me at
The end of each class hour.
Then there are the foreign language profs.
They revel in irregular verbs and flunk
You if you don't pronounce the language like a na
They give you pages and pages to translate.
Then when you transcribe a line correctly they
And peer over your shoulder to see how much of
it you have written out.
They rave about the beauty of their language-th!
We don't have to speak it-and they give you ař
Poems to learn and they die laughing over Mol-
liere's jokes in the original
When they are about as intelligible to you as a
They keep you pronouncing trick words until
Your tonsils are paralized. They close the class
By assigning three more lessons and leave you with
The impression that although Caesar had his Gaul
They have it now.
And there are the laboratory instructors
They go around like they had a deed to the Univer-
And they simply can't forget their own importance.
If something comes up that stumps them they
Have a fit of coughing and go off to look
For some better instruments with which to work.
If you cannot finish an experiment satisfactorily,
And appeal for help they tell you to go ahead with
Something else and finish it outside.-They don't
Know anything about it and want time to read up-
They hand all the inside dope to the good-looking
And leave the rest of the class to wonder what it is
All about. They distribute the information and the
Material on the dot of the clock and if you blow in
A minute late, you're blowed up.
Then there are the Ag profs.
They are the practical men of the University.
They tell you why is a cow and they give you
Receipts for making everything from smelless
Limburger to baby beef. They give practical
Demonstrations in rotating apples and dressing
They spend half their time trying to keep the dirt
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
ashing off the rocks and the other half washing
it off themselves.
'hey complain about the corn being yellow when
lanted that kind and they take long hours in de-
labor saving device that needs a mechanic to keep
n repair. They rave about the beauties of farm
3ut they sacrificed all its conveniences to
.ome to the city to live as missionaries. They may
A bum steer but it's no bull.
I hate professors
They are so unnecessary.
"You're nothing but a darned mule," stormed
the father at his stubborn son.
"Yes, sir," replied that worthy. "But father,
did you ever stop to think what the father of a mule
One time there was a wicked man
Who had a dozen wives.
The neighbors called him Plutarch 'cause
He led so many lives.
Friend: "Do you write any Spenserian
Poet: "No, I do all my work on the type-
Sam (trying to propose): "May-May, I love
May (frigidly) : "Certainly not!"
A whistle-then a sudden, grinding, slowing;
Shoving, pushing, hand-shaking, kissing.
Faces-chalky, sunburned, and mop-encircled faces;
Two drunken fools; the mob still growing;
Steam, shouts of laughter, not a soul missing.
Earrings, long dresses, bobbed hair, and laces;
Tweeds, norfolks, straw hats, and pipes;
Color-everywhere, color-plaids, checks, and
Back-slapping, gushing-one endless recognition;
The sweating cars still pouring forth their burden;
Baggage checking-rushing-craps behind the shed's
Both hare and tortoise movements towards the
Taxi! -L. A. F.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
The latest in three-mile limits.
Celeste, old standby, you're a brick,
A proven friend in need.
You spur along my Pegasus,
And make him make some speed.
You of all the girls I know,
You alone are true.
'Tis you inspires me, ah, ye gods,
The day my copy's due.
A name like yours, Celeste, aye makes
The rhymes to ripple free.
You've no idea how it puts
A lot less work on me.
I don't know who the blank you are,
I don't know as I care.
But when I grind some copy out,
Celeste, old top, you're there.
"How's the hangin' over at Bloody Gulch last
night ?' asked Flannel Joe as he absentmindedly
blowed the foam from his ice cream soda.
"Tol'able, tol'able," replied Luckless Luke,
"but it came blamed near bein' ruined."
"Did? How come?"
"Yep! Just before they started to string up
Dry Wash Sam he asks if he can't have one square
meal agin. Well, 'ceptin this last scrape the gang
didn't have much agin Dry Wash an' they allowed
it ud be kinda heartless to string 'im up on an empty
stomach so they lets him eat all he wants. Well-
ptu-arter he'd got around 'bout a half a beeve an'
kept the cook busy frying flapjacks for about thutty
minutes he flops over an' cashes in from a cute in-
"Sort o' ruined the holiday, didn't it?"
"Nope, we hung the cook for interfering with
the course o' justice."
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 19
Legs to the right of us,
Legs to the left of us,
Legs in front of us,
How they do display them.
On they go trippingly,
Dainty and skippingly.
Frost that bites nippingly
Does not dismay them.
Straight legs and bandy ones,
Bum legs and dandy ones,
Awkward and handy ones,
Flirt with the breezes.
Round legs and flatter ones,
Thin legs and fatter ones,
Especially the latter ones,
Showing their kneeses.
Knock-kneed and bony ones,
Real legs and phony ones,
Silk-covered tony ones,
Second to none.
Straight and distorted ones,
Mates and all sorted ones,
Home and imported ones,
Ain't we got fun?
In she came;
Down she sot;
Laid an egg,
And up she got.
At the Boilermakers Banquet.
Toastmaster: "Throw down the tools, boys,
the next course is pie."
Monthly Absentminded Professor Joke.
"John, did you see anything of that apple-
shaped pin-cushion that I left on the kitchen table?"
"H-m-mp! No wonder that apple I had for
1ljnch tasted funny."
At the Dance.
"Was Jim at the dance tonight? I thought he was sick."
"Well, you see Mary's got him back on her feet again."
About the only oil in most oil wells is on the
stock salesman's tongue.
"Hey, Waiter, this egg's cold."
"Well, sir, that's a cold storage egg."
Many a poor fish has been caught in a hairnet.
20 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
"Hey waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."
"Naturally sir, all our coffee is very fine
His Tongue Slipped.
The fishworms gamboled here and yon,
The air was full of breezes,
And little hellbirds chattered on
The branches of the treeses.
And Algernon called Heloise
His own, his sweetest dear.
He leaned quite close, and clasped her hand
And whispered in her ear.
"You are so fair, so very fair!
Oh will you not be mine?
Your lips have color of the rose,
Your kin has that of swine."
The fishworms gamboled here and yon,
The air was full of breezes,
And then a hand slapped Algernon,-
The hand was Heloise's.
The Fable of the Man Who Made a Terrible Slip.
In the days far agone, when ignorance and
King Arthur reigned in Merry England, and peo-
ple thought that Omar was a poet because even his
words blended, there lived a wight yclept Tellem
Rawley. Now Tellem Rawley, tiring mightly of the
dull and drab of his own village, went up to the
great court of Arthur, and obtained audience before
"Ho! varlet, what wouldst thou?" asked Ar-
thur, smiting him jovially with his boadsword.
"A job", said Tellem; the King laughed be-
cause he had to.
"Dost come from a land of cattle and flowers,
and didst thou herd there?" asked the King, hand-
ling Tellem the Royal Questionaire for Applicants
for Soft Snaps.
"Aye, I heard many things," answered Tellem,
for he was sharp.
The King loved a jest mightly, and thought al-
so to test the intelligence of the man before him.
So he looked into the treasury of his mind, and pull-
ed forth this ancient gag.
"Then hast thou ever seen a cow slip ?" he ask-
"Yea, verily," said Tellem, "and have come
hither to see a Princess slip."
And the King laughed again, because he had
to. And Sir Rawley spent many long and faithful
years in the King's service.
An Evening at Any Fraternity House.
That's where my money goes in sunny Tennessee.
Roll them, roll them, roll them bones. O Ma, he's
Glory, glory, Hallelujah, going through the rye.
Honey child, I'm just wild for the blue of your eye.
I had a dream, do you ever think of me?
If her eyes are blue as skies, that's Mother Machree.
The old oaken bucket, we can drink it all alone,
The dying hobo said just a spot to call my owif
We'll join the rollicking chorus, go feather your
I love a lassie, that's the time that I love the bes
Where, 0 where has my little dog gone; she wen
to the Hamburg shows;
We're tenting tonight where the River Shannon
'Mid the hills of Old Missouri wherever I roam,
The star-spangled banner there's no place like home.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 21
Nothing But News
Like every other live, wide-awake newspaper, the Co-
lumbia Evening Missourian prints everything that in-
terests everybody. Even advertising becomes news
when it is written and presented to the public in a
manner that is informational. Through this sort of
newsy advertising, local merchants have built up their
trade until today Columbia has become one of the best
shopping centers between Kansas City and St. Louis.
Missourian columns have turned a disinterested pub-
lic into responsive buyers.
Columbia People Know
that the Evening Missourian meets every demand
as a daily paper. It covers town and county news just
as thoroughly and satisfactorily as it does college and
University news. A fact that it goes to over three
thousand homes every day is testimony that Boone
County likes the Missourian. Daily and steadily the
Missourian continues to grow, and it is a fair indica-
tion of the prosperity of the community. Our books
have always been open to the advertiser and the sub-
The Evening Missourian appreciates co-operation
of the public in supplying news and tips on stories.
We want you to make the Missourian your paper.
THE COLUMBIA EVENING MISSOURIAN
BUSINESS PHONE 55 NEWS DESK 274
22 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
From the South, a gentle "Moo!"
From the North a whistle blew;
James, pump full the drinking horn:
The milkman won't be 'round this morn.
He: "What do you do in dramatics?"
She: "Oh! I'm a new stage coach. What do
He: "Oh, I'm the fast male."
First Mosquito: "Hooray! Here comes a new
Second Mosquito: "Good! Let's stick him
for the drinks."
A Bolt From the Blue.
That's what we do
Highbee & Hockaday
One price cash clothiers
Cleaning & Pressing
expertly done by
Also Hemstitching and Pleating
13 So. Tenth St.
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 23
"I had a terrible dream last night."
"Tell me about it."
"I dreamed that I was eating shredded wheat,
and woke up in the middle of the night and half the
mattress was gone."
She: "Yes, I used to wear the one-piece suit.
I'm from California, you know."
Beach-Loafer: "That so? I'm from Missouri,
Uneasy lies the head that has been crowned.
Heard on the Campus.
We can serve you well
and solicit your business
WE have furnish-
Houses and Clubs
Columbia's Carload Buyer
919 ' roadway
I. C. ADAMS
"-and they gave to each other
gifts of the finest jewels in order
that their friendship might never
be forgotten as is the custom."
24 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
"Many poets spend weeks on a single line."
"That's nothing; I knew many men who have
spent twenty years on a single sentence."
First Convict: "When I git outa this pen I'm
gonna have a'hot time, ain't you?"
Second Convict: "Don't know. I'm in for life."
"Got a nail in your tire?"
"Naw; ran over a fork in the road."
"Found the original dumb guy the other day."
"What did he do?"
"Went into a place and asked for an Eskimo
pie a la mode."
Ready to Wear
We Have More"
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 25
"Coo," said the little boy dove.
"Coo," said the little girl dove.
"Cuckoo," said the old buck pigeon.
Frosh: "I've been trying to think of a word
for two weeks."
Soph.: "How about fortnight?"
That's Too Bad.
She are gone
Her has went
Us can never
Go to she
Her can never
Come to we.
Oh, how can
We've been in Busi-
ness 60 summers and
as many winters, all
the time striving to
The Store of Standard
D. G. Co.
1005 Broadway Phone 795
26 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
"I can't seem to place you."
"What do you think I am, a bet?"
Marcel-What a masculine head you have; it
ought to be on a man's shoulders.
Wave-It often is. -Purple Parrot
"How far are you in Economics?"
"In the last stages of 'consumption'."
Yes, Xenophone, when you see a string of let-
ters after a man's name, you know that he got that
way by degrees. -The Owl.
Women are just like bumps in the road. Those
that don't look bad may sometimes fool one, and
those that do look bad are usually worse than they
Student Headquarters for:
Furniture, Rugs, Trunks,
16 N. 10th Street
Visit our store each month and hear
the new Edison records.
12 S. 9th
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 27
"Is this the woodenware department?"
"I dunno if I am in the right place."
"What is it you wish?"
"My wife told me to get some lip sticks."
"That man is the biggest fool in the world.
"Henry! Henry! You are forgetting yourself."
She-Can you read lips?
He-Yes, by the touch system.
She (dreamily)-I just love to pick on a banjo.
He (unsympathetically)-So I notice. But
why torture the poor thing? -Froth.
The Nettleton Shoe
We do Shoe Repairing
24 S 9th
It is the genuine
good of Harris
Foods and Fountain
Specials that makes
her say, "-and,
after the show let's
go to Harris' "
Perfection in Confection
MILLARD & SISSON
28 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
THE DR UG SHOP
For Kodaks and Kodak Finishing-24 hours service excepting
Full and complete stock of all leading brands of toilet articles.
Our messenger service is prompt.
Every man a Registered Pharmacist
W. C. KNIGHT, Prop.
815 Broadway Phone 302 Two Phones
Ambitious Author-Hurrah! Five dollars for
my latest story.
Fast Friend-Who from?
Writer-The Express Company. They lost it.
Will'um-Marybelle's as pretty as she can be.
Wilus-Most girls are nowadays. -Phoenix.
Before you spend your
money if you have a bank
Start one today with the
Exchange National Bank
Women have the right to change their minds,
but it's a pity more of them don't take advantage
When a girl says
She must go in a taxi,
Take this advice:
It's not being done-
You are. -Purple Parrot.
YEA, BROTHER, YEA
Right here's the place to feed your
face, and get your money's worth.
Each meal is square,
We treat you fair,
And serve the best on earth.
Selected pies for hungry guys,
The kind that mother made.
The best of veal
And good oatmeal,
Our service at your aid.
106 S. 9th
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 29
But They're Learning Fast.
City Swell: "I would give five dollars for just
one kiss from a nice little girl like you."
Village Belle: "Oh! How terrible!"
C. S.: "What! Did I offend you?"
V. B.: "No; I was just thinking about the for-
tune I gave away last night!"
"Jack says my lips are like the lights."
"They're put on every night."
Dapper: "I thought you were unconvention-
Flapper: "'You got me right."
Dapper: "Then why do you take a chaperon
Flapper: "So I'll have a witness for my breach
of promise suit."
Value Received At
Furs Knit Goods
Suits Wool Goods
Hats Bed Wear
Sweaters Silk and
Gloves Piece Goods
Findings of all kinds. Quality the
best. Prices are less.
And we have what you want when you
30 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Nice Kitty, Kitty.
Stella: "You look perfectly lovely in that
Louise: "Oh, you'd say that if you didn't
Stella: "Yes, and you'd think it even if I didn't
The small boy was being reproved by his moth-
"Why can't you be good?" she asked.
"I'll be good for a nickel," he said.
"Oh!" responded the mother, "you want to be
bribed. You should copy your father and be good
"I saw you leave the Bootlegger's. Name and
"You a detective?"
"No, I sell tombstones."
HATS and CAPS
"Meet me at
The Missouri Man's
in Kansas City
CLARK the HATTER
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI
Where Greek Meets Greek
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Ante Up Again.
"I'll bet you a kiss I can steal a kiss from you."
"I'll bet you two you can't."
I threw a rock up in the air
And knew not where it fell,
Till a man who caught it in his hair
Came 'round and gave me-the rock.
Mae: "Jack was over to see me the other night
and I kept telling him what a reputation he had for
being a devil among the women."
Mary (animatedly): "And did he live up to
Mae (listlessly) : "No, he just sat there like a
perfect boob and kept denying it."
In the New Haden Building
After the Show
In the New Haden Building
Make the beginning of
this term an occasion for
a new photograph of your-
self. Your folks will enjoy
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Physics Prof.: "Does anyone know anything
about violet rays?"
Stude: "I do, but I promised not to give her
"Mary has very autocratic ideas about kissing."
"She doesn't believe in Freedom of the Press."
Wife (finding husband drunk) : "John! This
is the last straw."
Husband: "Thass awright, m'dear; I never
use 'em. Jesh give me the bottle."
"Oooooooooooh! Stop it, Billy, that isn't nice!'
"My name isn't Billy !" -Virginia Reel.
House of Quality
CROFUT and KNAPP
HART SCHAFFNER & MARX
Our Fall Showing of Clothes to be the finest that has
ever been shown in Columbia
Sand B Clo. Co.
Sykes E Broadhead
Broadway at Ninth
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 33
PECK DRUG CO.
Where you get your newspaper---
The Big Drug Store
Irate Prof.: "Young man, do you know any-
thing about this course?"
Young Man: "A little, sir. What would you
like to know?"
Soph.: "I Hayti tell you."
Senior: "Aw Guam."
Where you find an artist behind
Follow the crowd to the
University Barber Shop
Old students know that
Jimmie's College Inn is
the best and most up-to-
date Confectionery and
Cafe in the city.
To the new students we
extend a hearty welcome.
We are sure you will be
satisfied with our superior
drinks and excellent can-
Have Your Repairing Done At
Fine Shoe Repairing 7 S. 9th
34 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
How to Treat Your Room Mate.
1. Buy him all the tobacco and cigars he can
smoke; fill and light his pipe for him.
2. Introduce him to your sweetheart; encour-
age him to go out with her.
3. Let him have as much money as he wants;
if he offers to pay it back tell him you didn't intend
it as a loan.
4. Never argue with him; always admit that
you are in the wrong.
5. Write all his English themes and translate
his Spanish; take good notes in lectures and make
a copy of them for him.
6. Let him wear your best shirts and neckties;
make him a present of your Tuxedo.
7. If you have to rise a little earlier than he
some morning, hire a room at a hotel for the night
so that you won't disturb his slumbers.
8. Next year-room alone.
"Stude: "Have a smoke?"
Phi Beta Kappa: "I don't smoke, but if it's
all the same I will have a lead pencil on you."
Suits and Sweaters
Phone 85 716-718 Broadway
Fat's Primer for Grown-Ups
Who is the man in the A-U-T-O? It is G-R-A-N-T F-O-S-Y-T-H-E. What
is he doing? He is going after a S-U-I-T which needs C-L-E-A-N-I-N-G and
P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G B-A-D-L-Y. Why should he be in such a H-U-R-R-Y? He
always G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-S to get suits back on T-I-M-E. Where is Grant's
place of B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S? In the V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A B-U-I-L-D-I-N-G. There
is also in the Virginia Building the V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A B-A-R-B-E-R S-H-O-P
where you can have your nice H-A-I-R cut so you can go out and dance with
(Note to the pupil: For practice in pronunciation, call 736 when in
Rear of the
VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
Reformer: "Have you ever done anything to
help the needy?"
Alumnus: "Yes, I've subscribed to nine col-
lege humorous magazines."
Lotta: "He's nobody's fool."
Rotta: "Why, I'm sure he's engaged."
The Girl: "Did I ever show you where I was
The Boy: "No."
The Girl: "Well, we can drive around that
Slosh: "I'm a little stiff from skiing."
Bosh: "Where'd you say you're from?"
Magazine, Toothpaste, Kodak
Developing too. Anything a
Drug Store Should Have You'll
Find at the
We Try to Please
109 S. 9th Phone 724
WE are glad to wel-
come old friends
back and to assure
you that we will continue
to serve you the best in
foods that are prepared
under cleanest conditions.
More Conspicuous Than
\ our Costume
Is the manner in which your hair is
Mac Gregor's Beauty Shop
12 N. 9th Phone 535
THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER
The Favorite Indoor
We knew you
You'd have known if you had
ever dropped in and seen
the mob at the
Our Monthly Song-Hit.
A little ballad, dedicated to Campbell's Soups,
entitled: "The Larger the Spoon, the Deeper t;he
Young Wife (reading her new movie scena-
rio): "Two burglars here enter the living hall, and
the clock struck one."
Bored Husband: "Which one?"
Customer: "I'd like to see something cheap
in a fall hat."
Clerk: "Try this one on. The mirror is at
Shakespeare was no broker, but he furnished a
great many, stock quotations.
"Just Say Palms"
Even a Camel
Almost a Varsity Institution
long dresses are com-
ing back and so are
ground and dusty with
funny stuff. in the next
issue --- a full page of
local grafters and why
they are famous and---
but sh---h---h it's sure
the horses knickers!
an ARROW SHIRT
A WELL FASHIONED SHIRT of FINE OXFORD
CLUETT, PEABODY & CO. INC. Makers, TROY, N.Y