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The Showme September, 1922; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1922

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The SHOWME for September 1922 Grasp the paper firmly, turn it upside down- Oh you little d---1. In the clutches number Vol. III No. I University of Missouri Price 25 Cents American Color Engraving Co. 914 Pine St. St. Louis, Mo. Specialists in Designs Illustrations and Commercial Drawings Engravings by all Processes for all printing purposes in one or more colors. Incorportated 1885 Wanted Contributions for the Showme: Jokes, poems, drawings and sugges- tions. Address all manuscripts to The Showme Virginia Bldg. Columbia - - - - - - - - Missouri Now turn to the inside back cover-QUICK! ! All copy should be in by the 18th of month. No manu- scripts returned unless ac- companied by stamped en- velope. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER THE WOMAN IN THE FOG The man in the hotel lobby looked up from the evening paper. As he did so the figure of a girl passed and with it the fragrance of a sunkissed flower. His eyes followed her. The innocence of a nun, the form of an angel, and the features of a goddess were hers to command. In his heart of hearts he knew that he loved her. Knew with that divine, godgiven instinct that he had wandered a lonely pilgrim vainly seeking such a girl as she. Impulsively he sprang to his feet and followed. Yet how was he to meet her? His sense of propriety dictated that a forced introduction would brand him an interloper in her eyes and spoil whatever chances he might have of accomplishing that which he most desired. Still he followed. Out, out into the night, surrounded by an al- most impenetrable fog, he pursued. The flickering gleam of an arc light revealed her to be some paces ahead. Casting aside all precaution he resolved to accost her and take whatever consequences result- ed. He pressed on, was about to overtake her, when halt! Another form disentangled itself from the merky density. Her follower reeled and stag- gered back uttering a sob. She had stopped a inan. A Store for Students "U" Store "U" Manager "U" Shoes "U" Win With The Better Class Shoes for Men JACK SCHROEDER, Mgr. French Shriner & Urner 1018 Walnut St. KANSAS CITY - - -- MISSOURI Mail Orders Given Prompt Attention BANKING HEADQUARTERS FOR Sixty-five years this institu- tion has been the banking headquarters for hundreds of University students. The Univers- ity and the Boone County National have grown alongside each other and are inseparable in the minds of the "Old Grads". Boone County National Bank R. B. Price. President 2 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER For Dessert "FROZEN GOLD" In the Iceless Container Quart 50c Half Gallon $1.00 Phone 360 Our Idea of Work-. Giving the anesthetic while a tree surgeon op- erates. "I'll give you my hand on it," said the butcher as. he weighed out the meat. The man who is a whizz on a davenport is oft- times a whizzer in his classes. Going through the rye today leads to the grave yard. O Tempora! O Mush! The race is ending neckin' neck. How far does a dew drop? Military School Grad.: "This is a bum unit. Last year you imported the cussingnest colonel in the A. E. F. just to bawl you out when you made mistakes." Local Napoleon: "Ye-ah! An' he was here six months before he had a chance to say an unkind word." Policewoman: "I'll have to take your name." Anti-Vol: "Shorry, mum, but-hic-I'm mar- ried already." THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 3 Reserve your Decorations and Bouquets for Your Rush Parties Columbia Floral Co. Phone 366 7th & Broadway THE SHOWME September, 1922 The Showme is published monthly from September until March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at the Vir- ginia Building, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, November 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Colum- bia, Mo., under the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription; price $1.50 a year or twenty-five cents a copy when pur- chased from newsstands. Paternal Advice. Bust her neck or she'll bust you neckin'. Braselton's 719 E. Broadway The place to buy shoes Styles Right Prices Right Quality Right You can't go wrong in buying your footwear from The Vogue Shoppe creations in chapeaux MISS BYARS Phone 716 THIS IS THE SHA CK THAT JACK BUILT Where you get Better Eats 205 S. 9th Phone 1580 4 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER "At first Alice wouldn't say whether she loved me or not." "And did you succeed in making her tell?" "Yes, I finally squeezed it out of her." -Gargoyle. A Phi Delta Theta named Joe, Manicuring the lawn with a hoe, Watched the view down the street Instead of his feet; I know that it's sad, but it's so. -Okla. Whirlwind. Hinks: "Did you ever try to trace back your family tree?" Jinks: "Yes, but I got stumped." -Exchange. A bath is like a college education-once you get it, no one can ever take it away from you. -Chaparral. Richards' Market is in Co- lumbia, noted for extreme care given to Quality and Sanita- tion in the handling of all meat products. Start the year right by arrang- ing with us to give you this service, and the cost is no more than you pay for ordi- nary meats. Phone Two Seven "Oh" Ross-Kinloch Hat Shop Dear Girls:- Come in, we'll show you every day. We have the hats and we've co me to stay. Lovingly Aunt Alice and Inabel Printing Letter Heads, Envelopes, Cards, Dance Programs, Menus, Student Letters, Rushing Cards, etc. J. Guy McQuitty "Quick Printer" Phone 930-Black 911-A Broadway THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 5 WHAT IS YOUR FUTURE WORTH? Your Worth Is Measured By What You Can Do! What Are You Worth Today? What Will You Be Worth Five Years From Now? Your regard for self-improvement, your attitude toward systematic study, your decision to satisfy today, that you may enjoy tomorrow, will tell. Take your future seriously. Plan Ahead! ROSENTHAL SCHOOL OF COMMERCE Haden Building Phone 1095 A Wet One. "What is your idea of the tightest man in col- lege?" "The guy who won't take a shower because they soak you too much." -Exchange. He: "May I have this dance?" She: "Yes, if you can find someone to dance with." -Awgwan. Now, Hazel! Which: "How do you know that Jack wanted to hug you last night?" Hazel: "Because he never does anything against his will." -Jack-o'Lantern. If John Jones who deserted his wife and baby twenty years ago, will return, said baby will knock his block off. -Bison. Smart footwear for every occasion for each day Fashionable Hosiery Millers Shoes 800 Broadway 6 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER In the Clutches THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER The SHOWME September, 1922 Volume 3 Number 1 Bible Lesson for the Month 1. And Solomon sent his youngest son Cash- em into the West to get wisdom from the star-gaz- ers and professors which Pharoah had gathered to- gether. 2. And Solomon said, Cashem, watch thy bank account that it get not low, and thy check- stubs that they are kept up to date. 3. And keep thy robe pressed well, and thy sandals and teeth brushed nightly. And Cashem promised diligently to look after all these things. 4. So Cashem went abroad with the good wishes of the household and a draft on the State Treasury. 5. And found rooms at the big city, and stud- ied the wisdom of the ancient men. 6. The tales the stars told were his, and the histories of fools and men. 7. Likewise did he go to the feasts of Pharaoh, and the celebrations and the weekly blow- outs, and saw many beautiful maidens there. 8. But when he looked on them, he remem- bered the words of his father. 9. And if one came to him and said, I am hungry, he would answer her gravely, Art thou? 10. And if one said, I wish to be taken home by the Elite Chariot Service, he would reply, It is a beautiful night for walking, nor are the stones of the street hard to the touch. 11. But there came one whose cheek was as the cherry blossom, and whose lip was the color of the west when the sun goes down. 12. And Cashem said to himself, Surely this is no ordinary person. And he looked again into her eyes, and was sure of it. 13, And she said, I am hungry. And Cashem said, Nothing my father has is too good for thee. 14. And she said, I wish to ride home. And Cashem hailed a gold chariot with mother of pearl trimmings, and tipped the driver thereof. 15. And in ten days Cashem received a tele- gram from home. 16. And when Cashem had presented himself before his father, and had talked industriously for nigh unto half the morning, King Solomon stopped him, saying, 17. What is this, that thou hast cashed four drafts on me in the last three days? And I hear that thou hast been going a pace with a certain young person in the big city. 18. Know ye not that it is said, A wise man keepeth his coin, but a fool will have expensive dates? 19. And again, The purpose of a wise man is to teach, but who can drive anything into the head of a night-owl? 20. He who studies astronomy should not stay up every night; yea, he should see the sun sometimes. 21. And a long, ponderous, and altogether unpleasant silence followed the King's words. 22. At last Cashem spoke, She said she knew you, father, when you in your young days went thither to seek wisdom. 23. And Cashem returned by the next camel- train. 8 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Knick: "The sea always reminds me of Ger- man philosophy."" Knack: "In what way?" Knick: "It is too deep for me." The Masterpiece. The young college man wrote Feverishly for two, whole seconds Without drawing his breath; Those about in the Restaurant marvelled at his Sudden inspiration. "Probably a genius in the rough, Like Schubert writing a masterpiece On the back of a menu", They agreed. He finished; a deep sigh escaped his Lips .. "Will you please add your phone Number below?" said the waiter. -V. A. W. She, to golfer husband: "Why it is John that this Colonel Bogy you are always playing with nev- er comes to the club dances?" FALL FICTION "I met the most wonderful'man this summer." "You know we always summer in the moun- tains." "Awf'y glad to see you again old top-er-by the way, I've forgotten your name." "Why I thought you finished last year." "Who, me-? Nope, I'm going to study this year." "Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry, but really, I'm dated; up until Christmas." (And she's Freshman enough to think that he believes it.) "Old man, our frat can't get along without you." "Yeah, we had a great time in Columbia this summer." "S-s-m-mack-o-o-o-o-o !!" "Get your campus tickets here!" "I had to come by train; my car broke dowr before I left." "Board-? We charge $7.50 for three meals a day." "What-you back?" "No, Jack I haven't had a date all summer." No, Hortense, three one-dollar bills do not make a crowd. The Crack of Doom THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 9 "Poor old Bill Jones; his wife was killed when the kitchen stove blew up, and Bill died when he heard the report." "Where was Bill when it happened?" "On the other side of the stove." A soft filmy cloud partially hid the moon from view and cast a gentle shadow over the garden. In the indistinct light near the fountain stood a form as soft and filmy as the cloud in the heavens above. White fluffy gauze floated from it in the gentle night breeze. The form stirred as a gate in the dis- tant end of the garden creaked, and as the moon brushed away the cloud from his face the bewitch- ing outline of a girl was revealed leaning half to- ward the dark figure that had entered the garden. "Cecil," came a soft call from between her lips, lavender in the cold light of the moon. "Cecil," she called again, but the dark one approaching did not answer. Coming up to her he caught her in his arms and kissed her- "Cec-," she cried, but it wasn't-and he didn't. While Falling for the Bobbetts. In a recent psychology test a porch-parker was requested to go out and take note of the first dozen objects that distinctly attracted his atention. He returned and reported eleven bobbetts and a bull dog. (He fell over the bull dog.) Sinners Take Note. (Blast furnace, two devils looking within.) "Those poor mortals think that place is hot." "Yes, and it's colder'n hell." Headline in Macon, Mo., paper.-Stork Partial to Girls. 10 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER SHOWME Published by Students ot the University of Missouri THE SHOWME, Virginia Building Vol. III, No. 1 Columbia, Missouri $1.50 a Year THE STAFF GERALD F. PERRY .--......-..................---- Managing Editor F. P. GASS .----....-----..... --...............Literary Editor J. Q. ADAMS .................----.......---.......The Other Editor BUSINESS DEPARTMENT L. C. KASSELBAUM, Mgr. ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT ASSISTANTS Associates CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT James Boyle, Local Fritz Schroeder Lawrence Freeman J. T. Gove, Mgr. Nelson J. Riley. Foreign William Armstrong Dorothy Keens W. McAfee Ralph Taylor welcome old man work Welcome-Showme is glad to see you back! Showme is also glad to be back. We will execute the usual song and dance for new contributions this yetr-for a time this summer it looked as though it would be a swan song and the dance a death one. Several old time friends, however, came to the rescue with copy and although not every- thing we would like to have done in this issue was done, we trust that the earmarks of vacation and golf are not too evident. The policy of the Showme remains unchanged. We will continue to razz and to be razzed and we shall not get personal in doing so. ,We will have regard for no class nor for classes, and nothing will be considered immune from attack should it need it. We want you to laugh with us and to help us make others laugh. We want you to become a regular contributor. Make the Showme your magazine and make it a Tiger institution worthy to represent the funny side of the greater University. The next issue of the Showme will be the "Long Skirts" number. Anyone who wishes to submit copy for this number should get it in by September 18- take your pen in hand (or both of 'em, if necessary) and go to it. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 11 Freshmen RESHMAN, take heed! As a senior in high school you were, no doubt, quite the plush cushion. As a freshman in the University. of Mis- souri you are not. Heed the freshman rules. Wear that cap. On- ly poor sportsmanship will make you try to avoid do- ing so and Missouri is no place for poor sports. Stay out of poolhalls. Methods of study in the University are far different than you are accustom- ed to and you can't get used to the mother tongue in college by studying the English on the greentop table. Scorn the filthy weed while on the campus or you will find yourself far more popular than you would have anticipated. Use your eyes and ears much and your mouth little-except at football games and then open up and bear down. Above all-remember you are still a Fresh- man! be intenigent In all the volume of literature, printed and un- printable, asserts the college man, there has been one piece of good advice which has been overlook- ed. Don't be collegiate. Be intelligent. The sign of the college man is not the rah-rah tee, the devil- come-get-me checked suit, nor yet the tan-and- cream brogues; it is not the Cleopatra stare nor the Oh-Lizzie complexion for the meaner sex. It is not necessary to puff a picturesque briar and wear horn-rims; it is not requisite to wear a double Cup- id's-bow-lip to advertise your invasion into the realms of higher knowledge. Don't wear your fra- ternity pins as a semi-armor plate, and under no condition memorize a line to spring upon all occa- casions. These are not the signs of the college bred. There are other aims for the college man; there is no better time to start their accomplish- ment than right now. Be a great man, and begin this month. Look at Napoleon; look at George Washington, Morse, Henry Ford. They all started young. And once more,-the road to success is not in being collegiate, but in being intelligent. Be n( a snuggle-pup. Abhor the couch-cootie. Shun the habitue of the porch swing. Be intelligent. the honor system "To die, or not to die, that is the question." -Hamlet. There were times in the past when the honor sys- tem, gasping for breath, wondered what it was all about and if there was any use. Spurned by some classes of students, treated with indifference by others and scoffed at and made light of by certain types of professors and instructors it has in the past two years seemed almost a futile thing-ready to pass on to the Great Beyond where the bones of Gold-from-Sea-Water lie. Any why-? Because many have seen fit to dress it in a shroud instead of its proper sport clothes. The honor system is merely to see if you are man enough to brace up and play the game like a man. It discloses whether you are game enough to dig out your education for yourself or whether you are going to let father pay the bills and your fellow students do the work. True, the Lord helps those who help themselves-but unless they use discretion in that which they help themselves to, He helps them to jail. The honor system should be a thing of Tiger Spirit. Play the game square and above board. This goes for professors who insist on posting mon- itors-and there are some who do-as well as for students who insist on taking their examinations to class already written out. A Little Strong. She called her lover onions, because he made her .cry. With the present coal shortage students will find their wood much more acceptable to the city merchants. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Your hair is black, and when I dance With you, I get a jawful. I like your judgment very well, But Oh! Your taste is awful. Futile Things. Bobbed hair on a girl six feet tall. The Poor Woiking Goil. The girl next door is a hard worker-she works hard all morning getting rid of the effects of the night before, and works hard all afternoon getting ready for the night to come. "'S round!" "'S oblong!" "Aw kiss me, and we'll call it square." "This sea wall meets every wave squarely." "Ah, a regular water meter." YE CO-ED CALENDAR Enri. On Monday it's an Engineer, And on Tuesday it's an Ag, On Wednesday it's an Academ, With a little bit of jag. On Thursday it's a B. P. A. Who gets the honor for the day, On Friday it's who's givin' the dance, To be her beau that gets the chance. On Saturday it's the Assembly hound Who gets to take her all around; And on Sunday-well it's hard to tell Which one she'll speed along too well. "Waiter, there's no oyster in this soup!" "No sir, it's the oyster's night out." Landlady (to prospective boarder) "Aren't you the young man who stole those solid silver spoons from me last year?" The P. B.: "No ma'am, and besides they were not solid silver." Radio Program. From PDQ (Akron, Ohio) Snappy tunes by the Goodyear Rubber Band. "How did they finish at the Centipede Derby?" "Old Side-winder won by about six feet." THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 13 Ye Comic Editor of Paleolithic Times He thought it a good joke until a playful friend- came along and then the joke was on him. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Romance of Rudolph Being the Diary of a Neanderthal Man. THIRD Day of the Month of Fishes. This be- ing Evaline's birthday I took a tame dinosaur to the Spearhead home and gave it to her. Here complications developed; Evaline's small sister ac- cidentally roused it, and it bit off two fingers. Fath- er Spearhead much in anger in consequence thereof, and forbids me to see Evaline any more. Fourth-Day. Was this day chased out of the cave of Father Spearhead. He asked me why I thought the dinosaur bit little Heloise the day be- fore. In my usual spritely manner I replied, "Be- cause the dino saw her." - I did not stop running for five miles, Father Spearhead having by that time contracted a bad case of the heaves. Fifth Day. Am still in a state of strained re- lation with the Spearhead family. Was sitting as us- ual on the boulders before the Spearhead cave, try- ing to outwait my much respected but nincompoop rivals, David Moonface and Archibald Toadleigh, when Father Spearhead appeared at the mouth of the cave and threw his hatchet at me, shouting that I should never come near him again. It seems that the pet dinosaur which I gave Evaline came upon the clothes line, and ate the family fig-leaves, for which minor cause I am in disfavor with the Spear- heads. As if there were no more Fig-leaves! Ninth Day. I hear that Moonface and Toad- leigh were both invited to the Spearhead's for din- ner .. Eleventh Day. Had one of my usual brilliant ideas today. I wrote a poem to her! This is the first such idea I ever heard of being put into prac- tice. I chipped industriously all morning, breaking two chisels and a hatchet, but at last completed a very neat missive which was not more than my own height. This is the poem. Oh, come into my cavern kitchenette, (Park your club and hatchet, please, outside;) See the handsome granite parlor set I traded for alligator's hide. See the metamorphic rug I bought, See the hearth and antique stone twin beds.; See the furnishings of palm-leaves wrought; See the dining room in soft volcanic reds. We're on the topmost ledge; the cave is light, And facing south; we have a lovely view. Our janitor is humble and polite. We have a smokeless heating system, too. There's running water found within a mile,- You'll find no other cave that's half so fine. The lease I signed will last us quite a while; Besides, the landlord is a friend of mine. Won't you come and cook my meals for me! Cook my mastodonic steak and stew! No other girl can climb as mean a tree, Or throw as mean a club so straight as you. No other girl can catch as many fish, "Or get as many beaus as you can get. I swear I'll satisfy your slightest wish,- Oh, won't you come into my cavern kitchenette In the evening I took it as near the Spearhead cave as I could, and then threw it in. I will go ir the morning to see the effects on Evaline. Fifteenth Day. My idea worked perfectly, bu; not quite in the way I had expected. Evaline is nov my own. I went to the Spearhead cave the nexi day, and found that the love poem which I hai carved, and which weighed approximately a tonl had hit Father Spearhead in the head, and had dis- abled him temporarily. I took this opportunity oi clubbing Evaline into acceptance, and we are nomw living most enjoyably together. OUR QUESTION BOX Iniquitous: No. Yes, if she has never been kissed before. No. Disturbed: It would be better not to tell her. you are broke. Land ladies find that out sooln enough. Unhappy: Don't worry, there's another sum- ter coming. Co-ed: That's right, call it Home Economics and bear down on the Economics-his salary might not be large. Or Lacked Scenery. "I can't understand it," said the producer of the show to the sweet young thing. "That panto- mine I am putting on was a big hit in France but here it is falling flat." "Oh, that's easy," she replied. "Perhaps the translation is bad." The world's best golfer is Old Pop Time; he goes round twice in twelve every day. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER "George, will you ever kiss another girl?" "No, dear, never again!" 16 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Hymn of Hate (With apologies to Dorothy Parker) I 'hate professors They are so unnecessary. There are the English profs. They spend long hours correcting our Spelling and reading meaningless poems to us. They tell us all about stories and how they should be written, But who ever saw one of their stories in print? They go into ectasy over Bacon and Shapespeare when I am More interested in bacon and eggs. They demand realism in our themes and that we write about something We know, and when we turn in a crap shooters manuel They flunk us. They are always chasing misplaced commas and Think that red ink is a barn paint. A split infini- tive Is a sign for them to go into a rage, and they expect the Mentally unbalanced to produce balanced sentences. They tell us they hate to hear us talk slang- We hate to hear them talk at all. Then there are the history profs. They tell stale jokes that Noah would have been ashamed of. And move all the girls to the front seat so that they Can better observe their progress. , They are intimate with all the old kings and call them by Their first names and say nasty things about them. They dote on dates and long assignments in library Books that are never in. They always write a new textbook every year- And make you buy every one from the first effort on down to date. Then after you have slept through the class hour they Tell you to make a careful note of what. they have said As it will be used in examination. They give quizzes on Monday mornings And they are shocked to see such a low Average. They say history repeats itself and They give as a practical example Their having to awaken me at The end of each class hour. Then there are the foreign language profs. They revel in irregular verbs and flunk You if you don't pronounce the language like a na tive. They give you pages and pages to translate. Then when you transcribe a line correctly they come And peer over your shoulder to see how much of it you have written out. They rave about the beauty of their language-th! beauty is We don't have to speak it-and they give you ař dozen Poems to learn and they die laughing over Mol- liere's jokes in the original When they are about as intelligible to you as a Swedish timetable. They keep you pronouncing trick words until Your tonsils are paralized. They close the class hour By assigning three more lessons and leave you with The impression that although Caesar had his Gaul They have it now. And there are the laboratory instructors They go around like they had a deed to the Univer- sity And they simply can't forget their own importance. If something comes up that stumps them they Have a fit of coughing and go off to look For some better instruments with which to work. If you cannot finish an experiment satisfactorily, And appeal for help they tell you to go ahead with Something else and finish it outside.-They don't Know anything about it and want time to read up- They hand all the inside dope to the good-looking flimsies And leave the rest of the class to wonder what it is All about. They distribute the information and the Material on the dot of the clock and if you blow in A minute late, you're blowed up. Then there are the Ag profs. They are the practical men of the University. They tell you why is a cow and they give you Receipts for making everything from smelless Limburger to baby beef. They give practical Demonstrations in rotating apples and dressing chickens. They spend half their time trying to keep the dirt from THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER ashing off the rocks and the other half washing it off themselves. 'hey complain about the corn being yellow when they lanted that kind and they take long hours in de- vising labor saving device that needs a mechanic to keep n repair. They rave about the beauties of farm life, 3ut they sacrificed all its conveniences to .ome to the city to live as missionaries. They may give you A bum steer but it's no bull. I hate professors They are so unnecessary. Quite So. "You're nothing but a darned mule," stormed the father at his stubborn son. "Yes, sir," replied that worthy. "But father, did you ever stop to think what the father of a mule is." One time there was a wicked man Who had a dozen wives. The neighbors called him Plutarch 'cause He led so many lives. Friend: "Do you write any Spenserian verse?" Poet: "No, I do all my work on the type- writer." Sam (trying to propose): "May-May, I love you?" May (frigidly) : "Certainly not!" ARRIVAL A whistle-then a sudden, grinding, slowing; Shoving, pushing, hand-shaking, kissing. Faces-chalky, sunburned, and mop-encircled faces; Two drunken fools; the mob still growing; Steam, shouts of laughter, not a soul missing. Earrings, long dresses, bobbed hair, and laces; Tweeds, norfolks, straw hats, and pipes; Color-everywhere, color-plaids, checks, and stripes. Back-slapping, gushing-one endless recognition; The sweating cars still pouring forth their burden; Baggage checking-rushing-craps behind the shed's partition; Both hare and tortoise movements towards the curbing. Taxi! -L. A. F. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER The latest in three-mile limits. Celeste Again. Celeste, old standby, you're a brick, A proven friend in need. You spur along my Pegasus, And make him make some speed. You of all the girls I know, You alone are true. 'Tis you inspires me, ah, ye gods, The day my copy's due. A name like yours, Celeste, aye makes The rhymes to ripple free. You've no idea how it puts A lot less work on me. I don't know who the blank you are, I don't know as I care. But when I grind some copy out, Celeste, old top, you're there. RESOURCEFUL, ANYWAY "How's the hangin' over at Bloody Gulch last night ?' asked Flannel Joe as he absentmindedly blowed the foam from his ice cream soda. "Tol'able, tol'able," replied Luckless Luke, "but it came blamed near bein' ruined." "Did? How come?" "Yep! Just before they started to string up Dry Wash Sam he asks if he can't have one square meal agin. Well, 'ceptin this last scrape the gang didn't have much agin Dry Wash an' they allowed it ud be kinda heartless to string 'im up on an empty stomach so they lets him eat all he wants. Well- ptu-arter he'd got around 'bout a half a beeve an' kept the cook busy frying flapjacks for about thutty minutes he flops over an' cashes in from a cute in- dirgestion." "Sort o' ruined the holiday, didn't it?" "Nope, we hung the cook for interfering with the course o' justice." THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 19 "LEGS" Legs to the right of us, Legs to the left of us, Legs in front of us, How they do display them. On they go trippingly, Dainty and skippingly. Frost that bites nippingly Does not dismay them. Straight legs and bandy ones, Bum legs and dandy ones, Awkward and handy ones, Flirt with the breezes. Round legs and flatter ones, Thin legs and fatter ones, Especially the latter ones, Showing their kneeses. Knock-kneed and bony ones, Real legs and phony ones, Silk-covered tony ones, Second to none. Straight and distorted ones, Mates and all sorted ones, Home and imported ones, Ain't we got fun? -Goblin. In she came; Down she sot; Laid an egg, And up she got. -Gargoyle. At the Boilermakers Banquet. Toastmaster: "Throw down the tools, boys, the next course is pie." Monthly Absentminded Professor Joke. "John, did you see anything of that apple- shaped pin-cushion that I left on the kitchen table?" "H-m-mp! No wonder that apple I had for 1ljnch tasted funny." At the Dance. "Was Jim at the dance tonight? I thought he was sick." "Well, you see Mary's got him back on her feet again." About the only oil in most oil wells is on the stock salesman's tongue. "Hey, Waiter, this egg's cold." "Well, sir, that's a cold storage egg." Many a poor fish has been caught in a hairnet. 20 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER "Hey waiter, this coffee tastes like mud." "Naturally sir, all our coffee is very fine ground." His Tongue Slipped. The fishworms gamboled here and yon, The air was full of breezes, And little hellbirds chattered on The branches of the treeses. And Algernon called Heloise His own, his sweetest dear. He leaned quite close, and clasped her hand And whispered in her ear. "You are so fair, so very fair! Oh will you not be mine? Your lips have color of the rose, Your kin has that of swine." The fishworms gamboled here and yon, The air was full of breezes, And then a hand slapped Algernon,- The hand was Heloise's. The Fable of the Man Who Made a Terrible Slip. In the days far agone, when ignorance and King Arthur reigned in Merry England, and peo- ple thought that Omar was a poet because even his words blended, there lived a wight yclept Tellem Rawley. Now Tellem Rawley, tiring mightly of the dull and drab of his own village, went up to the great court of Arthur, and obtained audience before him. "Ho! varlet, what wouldst thou?" asked Ar- thur, smiting him jovially with his boadsword. "A job", said Tellem; the King laughed be- cause he had to. "Dost come from a land of cattle and flowers, and didst thou herd there?" asked the King, hand- ling Tellem the Royal Questionaire for Applicants for Soft Snaps. "Aye, I heard many things," answered Tellem, for he was sharp. The King loved a jest mightly, and thought al- so to test the intelligence of the man before him. So he looked into the treasury of his mind, and pull- ed forth this ancient gag. "Then hast thou ever seen a cow slip ?" he ask- ed. "Yea, verily," said Tellem, "and have come hither to see a Princess slip." And the King laughed again, because he had to. And Sir Rawley spent many long and faithful years in the King's service. An Evening at Any Fraternity House. That's where my money goes in sunny Tennessee. Roll them, roll them, roll them bones. O Ma, he's kissing me. Glory, glory, Hallelujah, going through the rye. Honey child, I'm just wild for the blue of your eye. I had a dream, do you ever think of me? If her eyes are blue as skies, that's Mother Machree. The old oaken bucket, we can drink it all alone, The dying hobo said just a spot to call my owif We'll join the rollicking chorus, go feather your nest; ; I love a lassie, that's the time that I love the bes Where, 0 where has my little dog gone; she wen to the Hamburg shows; We're tenting tonight where the River Shannon flows. 'Mid the hills of Old Missouri wherever I roam, The star-spangled banner there's no place like home. THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 21 Nothing But News Like every other live, wide-awake newspaper, the Co- lumbia Evening Missourian prints everything that in- terests everybody. Even advertising becomes news when it is written and presented to the public in a manner that is informational. Through this sort of newsy advertising, local merchants have built up their trade until today Columbia has become one of the best shopping centers between Kansas City and St. Louis. Missourian columns have turned a disinterested pub- lic into responsive buyers. Columbia People Know that the Evening Missourian meets every demand as a daily paper. It covers town and county news just as thoroughly and satisfactorily as it does college and University news. A fact that it goes to over three thousand homes every day is testimony that Boone County likes the Missourian. Daily and steadily the Missourian continues to grow, and it is a fair indica- tion of the prosperity of the community. Our books have always been open to the advertiser and the sub- scriber. The Evening Missourian appreciates co-operation of the public in supplying news and tips on stories. We want you to make the Missourian your paper. THE COLUMBIA EVENING MISSOURIAN BUSINESS PHONE 55 NEWS DESK 274 22 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER From the South, a gentle "Moo!" From the North a whistle blew; James, pump full the drinking horn: The milkman won't be 'round this morn. -Siren. He: "What do you do in dramatics?" She: "Oh! I'm a new stage coach. What do you do?" He: "Oh, I'm the fast male." -Octopus. First Mosquito: "Hooray! Here comes a new arrival." Second Mosquito: "Good! Let's stick him for the drinks." -Sun Dodger. A Bolt From the Blue. PAY SAVE CASH MONEY You say- "SHOW ME" That's what we do Highbee & Hockaday Clothing Company One price cash clothiers Cleaning & Pressing expertly done by Arrow Tailors Also Hemstitching and Pleating 13 So. Tenth St. Phone 826 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 23 "I had a terrible dream last night." "Tell me about it." "I dreamed that I was eating shredded wheat, and woke up in the middle of the night and half the mattress was gone." -Whirlwind. She: "Yes, I used to wear the one-piece suit. I'm from California, you know." Beach-Loafer: "That so? I'm from Missouri, you know." -Whirlwind. Uneasy lies the head that has been crowned. -Siren. Heard on the Campus. "Moo!" -Squib. Central Bank We can serve you well and solicit your business Central Bank WE have furnish- ed Fraternity Houses and Clubs since 1880. Troxell's Furniture Store Columbia's Carload Buyer 919 ' roadway The Gift Shop I. C. ADAMS "-and they gave to each other gifts of the finest jewels in order that their friendship might never be forgotten as is the custom." 24 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER "Many poets spend weeks on a single line." "That's nothing; I knew many men who have spent twenty years on a single sentence." -Tiger. First Convict: "When I git outa this pen I'm gonna have a'hot time, ain't you?" Second Convict: "Don't know. I'm in for life." -Cracker. "Got a nail in your tire?" "Naw; ran over a fork in the road." -Tiger. "Found the original dumb guy the other day." "What did he do?" "Went into a place and asked for an Eskimo pie a la mode." -Ghost. DRY GOODS BOSWELL' S 1007-9 Broadway Ready to Wear "Mother May We Have More" of Central Dairy Ice Cream Made of Pure Sweet Cream Phone 819 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 25 "Coo," said the little boy dove. "Coo," said the little girl dove. "Cuckoo," said the old buck pigeon. -Wag Jag. Frosh: "I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks." Soph.: "How about fortnight?" -Orange Peel. That's Too Bad. She are gone Her has went Us can never Go to she Her can never Come to we. Oh, how can It ain't. -Phoenix. 814 B'dway Dry Goods and Fancy Notions We've been in Busi- ness 60 summers and as many winters, all the time striving to please. Strawn Neate The Store of Standard Merchandise- D. G. Co. An Appropriate Gift for Every Occasion LINDSEY'S Jewelry Store 918 Broadway Soft Water iShampoos Parsons Sisters Beauty Parlors 1005 Broadway Phone 795 26 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Whoishe! "I can't seem to place you." "What do you think I am, a bet?" -Wag Jag. Marcel-What a masculine head you have; it ought to be on a man's shoulders. Wave-It often is. -Purple Parrot "How far are you in Economics?" "In the last stages of 'consumption'." -Wag Jag. Yes, Xenophone, when you see a string of let- ters after a man's name, you know that he got that way by degrees. -The Owl. Women are just like bumps in the road. Those that don't look bad may sometimes fool one, and those that do look bad are usually worse than they look. -Jack-o-Lantern Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th Street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records. Garden Court Heibel 's Pharmacy 12 S. 9th Geery Ninth Street JEWELER THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 27 Woodenware. "Is this the woodenware department?" "Yes." "I dunno if I am in the right place." "What is it you wish?" "My wife told me to get some lip sticks." -Judge. "That man is the biggest fool in the world. "Henry! Henry! You are forgetting yourself." -Yellow Jacket. She-Can you read lips? He-Yes, by the touch system. -Purple Parrot. She (dreamily)-I just love to pick on a banjo. He (unsympathetically)-So I notice. But why torture the poor thing? -Froth. Shield of Quality Beauty Individuality The Nettleton Shoe Signature Guaranteeing Satisfaction Heberings Columbia, Mo. We do Shoe Repairing 24 S 9th It is the genuine good of Harris Foods and Fountain Specials that makes her say, "-and, after the show let's go to Harris' " HARRIS' Perfection in Confection MILLARD & SISSON Skillful Craftsmanship and Good Taste Parsons Studio 28 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER THE DR UG SHOP For Kodaks and Kodak Finishing-24 hours service excepting Sunday. Full and complete stock of all leading brands of toilet articles. Our messenger service is prompt. Every man a Registered Pharmacist W. C. KNIGHT, Prop. 815 Broadway Phone 302 Two Phones Damages. Ambitious Author-Hurrah! Five dollars for my latest story. Fast Friend-Who from? Writer-The Express Company. They lost it. -Brown Bull. Will'um-Marybelle's as pretty as she can be. Wilus-Most girls are nowadays. -Phoenix. YOU Stop and Think Before you spend your money if you have a bank account. Start one today with the Exchange National Bank Women have the right to change their minds, but it's a pity more of them don't take advantage of it.-Jester. When a girl says She must go in a taxi, Take this advice: It's not being done- You are. -Purple Parrot. YEA, BROTHER, YEA Right here's the place to feed your face, and get your money's worth. Each meal is square, We treat you fair, And serve the best on earth. Selected pies for hungry guys, The kind that mother made. The best of veal And good oatmeal, Our service at your aid. SARCOXIAN CAFE 106 S. 9th THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 29 But They're Learning Fast. City Swell: "I would give five dollars for just one kiss from a nice little girl like you." Village Belle: "Oh! How terrible!" C. S.: "What! Did I offend you?" V. B.: "No; I was just thinking about the for- tune I gave away last night!" -Chaparral. "Jack says my lips are like the lights." "Whadde mean?" "They're put on every night." -Beanpot. Dapper: "I thought you were unconvention- al." Flapper: "'You got me right." Dapper: "Then why do you take a chaperon along?" Flapper: "So I'll have a witness for my breach of promise suit." -Chaparral. Value Received At Wolff-Berger Co. Muslin Hosiery Underthings Corsets Blouses Brassieres Furs Knit Goods Wraps Silks Suits Wool Goods Frocks Draperies Hats Bed Wear Sweaters Silk and Gloves Piece Goods Findings of all kinds. Quality the best. Prices are less. And we have what you want when you want it SEE PLATT for ANYTHING ELECTRICAL 30 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Nice Kitty, Kitty. Stella: "You look perfectly lovely in that dress, Louise:" Louise: "Oh, you'd say that if you didn't mean it." Stella: "Yes, and you'd think it even if I didn't say it." -Frivol. The small boy was being reproved by his moth- er. "Why can't you be good?" she asked. "I'll be good for a nickel," he said. "Oh!" responded the mother, "you want to be bribed. You should copy your father and be good for nothing." -Drexerd. "I saw you leave the Bootlegger's. Name and address ?" "You a detective?" "No, I sell tombstones." -Goblin. Anything in Jewelry HENNINGER'S 813 BROADWAY HATS and CAPS "Meet me at Clarks" The Missouri Man's Headquarters when in Kansas City CLARK the HATTER TEN-TEN WALNUT KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI BOOCH'S Virginia Building Where Greek Meets Greek THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Ante Up Again. "I'll bet you a kiss I can steal a kiss from you." "I'll bet you two you can't." "You win." -Orange Peel. I threw a rock up in the air And knew not where it fell, Till a man who caught it in his hair Came 'round and gave me-the rock. -Chaparral. Mae: "Jack was over to see me the other night and I kept telling him what a reputation he had for being a devil among the women." Mary (animatedly): "And did he live up to it?" Mae (listlessly) : "No, he just sat there like a perfect boob and kept denying it." -Gargoyle. In the New Haden Building Drugs 1Fountain Service Hopper- After the Show Pollard Drugs Fountain Service In the New Haden Building FOR New Authentic Style FOOTWEAR for Every Occasion TRY Sapp Bros. Shoes ,Hosiery Repairing Make the beginning of this term an occasion for a new photograph of your- self. Your folks will enjoy it. Blackmore Studio Phone 35 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Physics Prof.: "Does anyone know anything about violet rays?" Stude: "I do, but I promised not to give her away." -Chaparral. "Mary has very autocratic ideas about kissing." "How's that?" "She doesn't believe in Freedom of the Press." -Dirge. Wife (finding husband drunk) : "John! This is the last straw." Husband: "Thass awright, m'dear; I never use 'em. Jesh give me the bottle." -Chaparral. "Oooooooooooh! Stop it, Billy, that isn't nice!' "My name isn't Billy !" -Virginia Reel. The Best in Footwear at Levy's 'SHOES the House of Quality 813 Broadway STETSON CROFUT and KNAPP MALLORY HATS LANGROCK HICKEY-FREEMAN HART SCHAFFNER & MARX CLOTHES We Believe Our Fall Showing of Clothes to be the finest that has ever been shown in Columbia Sand B Clo. Co. Sykes E Broadhead Broadway at Ninth THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER 33 PECK DRUG CO. Where you get your newspaper--- The Big Drug Store Irate Prof.: "Young man, do you know any- thing about this course?" Young Man: "A little, sir. What would you like to know?" -Chaparral. Frosh: "Hawaii?" Soph.: "I Hayti tell you." Senior: "Aw Guam." -Phoenix. Student Headquarters Where you find an artist behind each chair Follow the crowd to the University Barber Shop The Students Home Old students know that Jimmie's College Inn is the best and most up-to- date Confectionery and Cafe in the city. Jimmie 's College Inn To the new students we extend a hearty welcome. We are sure you will be satisfied with our superior drinks and excellent can- dies. Save Money Have Your Repairing Done At Thomas Parson's Fine Shoe Repairing 7 S. 9th 34 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER How to Treat Your Room Mate. 1. Buy him all the tobacco and cigars he can smoke; fill and light his pipe for him. 2. Introduce him to your sweetheart; encour- age him to go out with her. 3. Let him have as much money as he wants; if he offers to pay it back tell him you didn't intend it as a loan. 4. Never argue with him; always admit that you are in the wrong. 5. Write all his English themes and translate his Spanish; take good notes in lectures and make a copy of them for him. 6. Let him wear your best shirts and neckties; make him a present of your Tuxedo. 7. If you have to rise a little earlier than he some morning, hire a room at a hotel for the night so that you won't disturb his slumbers. 8. Next year-room alone. -Punch Bowl. "Stude: "Have a smoke?" Phi Beta Kappa: "I don't smoke, but if it's all the same I will have a lead pencil on you." -Gargoyle. Distinctive Creations in Suits and Sweaters for Fall Wear Fredendall's Phone 85 716-718 Broadway Fat's Primer for Grown-Ups Who is the man in the A-U-T-O? It is G-R-A-N-T F-O-S-Y-T-H-E. What is he doing? He is going after a S-U-I-T which needs C-L-E-A-N-I-N-G and P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G B-A-D-L-Y. Why should he be in such a H-U-R-R-Y? He always G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-S to get suits back on T-I-M-E. Where is Grant's place of B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S? In the V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A B-U-I-L-D-I-N-G. There is also in the Virginia Building the V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A B-A-R-B-E-R S-H-O-P where you can have your nice H-A-I-R cut so you can go out and dance with the G-I-R-L-S. (Note to the pupil: For practice in pronunciation, call 736 when in pressing need.) Rear of the VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER Righto!!! Reformer: "Have you ever done anything to help the needy?" Alumnus: "Yes, I've subscribed to nine col- lege humorous magazines." -Froth. Lotta: "He's nobody's fool." Rotta: "Why, I'm sure he's engaged." -Cougar's Paw. The Girl: "Did I ever show you where I was tattooed ?" The Boy: "No." The Girl: "Well, we can drive around that way." -Banter. Slosh: "I'm a little stiff from skiing." Bosh: "Where'd you say you're from?" -Cougar's Paw. YOUR FAVORITE Cigar Magazine, Toothpaste, Kodak Developing too. Anything a Drug Store Should Have You'll Find at the Virginia Pharmacy We Try to Please 109 S. 9th Phone 724 WE are glad to wel- come old friends back and to assure you that we will continue to serve you the best in foods that are prepared under cleanest conditions. McA LESTER CAFETERIA More Conspicuous Than \ our Costume Is the manner in which your hair is fixed Mac Gregor's Beauty Shop 12 N. 9th Phone 535 THE SHOWME for SEPTEMBER The Favorite Indoor Sport You're Wrong! We knew you would be It's Pool You'd have known if you had ever dropped in and seen the mob at the RECREATION PARLOR Our Monthly Song-Hit. A little ballad, dedicated to Campbell's Soups, entitled: "The Larger the Spoon, the Deeper t;he Tone." -Lemon Punch. Young Wife (reading her new movie scena- rio): "Two burglars here enter the living hall, and the clock struck one." Bored Husband: "Which one?" -Voo Doo. Customer: "I'd like to see something cheap in a fall hat." Clerk: "Try this one on. The mirror is at your left." -Juggler. Shakespeare was no broker, but he furnished a great many, stock quotations. -Tiger. "Just Say Palms" When Thirsty Even a Camel Hunts The PALMS Almost a Varsity Institution the "long skirts" number long dresses are com- ing back and so are we-----------dragging the ground and dusty with funny stuff. in the next issue --- a full page of local grafters and why they are famous and--- but sh---h---h it's sure the horses knickers! the showme GORDON an ARROW SHIRT A WELL FASHIONED SHIRT of FINE OXFORD CLUETT, PEABODY & CO. INC. Makers, TROY, N.Y