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Showme April, 1921; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1921

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April Showme 1921 Board and Room Inquire Inside High Life Number Vol. I, No. 6 Price 35 cents University of Missouri Peck Drug and News Company THE SHOWME 1 Elmo, The Mighty. She: "Do you love me, John?" He: "Sure." She: "Then why don't your chest go up and down like the man in the movies?" -Tar Baby Dirty Trick. Wally: "We're going to hit eighty in a min- ute. Are you afraid?" Sally (swallowing much dust): "No, I'm full of grit." -Virginia Reel Obviously. "Sampson ought to have made a good actor." "Why so?" "Why, the first time he appeared in public he brought down the house." -Exchange. Parson's Studio MISSOURI STORES THE SHOWME Palms THE SHOWME April 8, 1921 The Showme is issued monthly by the Showme staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 311 Guitar Building, Columbia, Mo. Subscription price, $1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased from news-stands. Application for entry as second-class matter at the post office at Columbia, Mo. pending. The Brute Wifie-"I don't see why you object to my singing lessons. Perhaps some day my voice will keep the wolf away from the door.l" Hubby-"It probably will, if the wolf hears it." -Boston Globe. "I'll say one thing for my brother; he never comes home drunk." "You don't say so." "Of course, some times we find him in the gut- ter." -Froth. We Agree That It's a Dog's Life. "Say, where were you going in such a hurry yesterday afternoon? I passed you and you never even spoke." "Oh, I was starting on a coon hunt !" "Coon hunt? Why I never heard of anyone going coon hunting without a gun and then besides it was in the daytime." "Well, you see, I was making the rounds of the employment agencies hunting a cook for my wife." A Definition. Each flea believes that he lives on the most wonderful dog in the world. That's patriotism. -Siren. "Why are you hanging around the barnyard ?" "I'm waiting to milk the cow. I just saw her eating dandelions." -Siren. Victor Barth Clothing Company THE SHOWME 3 Made It Warm for Him. Hero-"I was made a prisoner in the war and they stripped me of all my clothing." She--"Did you feel the cold?" Hero-"Not at all. You see, they covered me with their rifles." -Lehigh Burr. Grandfather-"Nearly a generation and a half ago my head was grazed by a bullet in the battle of Chickamauga." Grandson-" Not much grazing there now, is there, grandpop?" -Hum Bug. Boy! The Formaldehyde! Biology Prof: "Where do all the bugs go in winter?" Pre-med. (absent mindedly) : "Search me." -Panther Columbia Floral Co. THE 1921 SAVITAR THE SHOWME Parsons Sisters "Say It With Flowers." I took my girl To the zoo. To see the animals There. She remarked As she pointed to A beast all covered with Hair: "Oh, I think he is such A dandelion." I took my girl To a dance Where she met a fellow from College. She said: "It's not the crease In his pants That attracts me, nor his Knowledge. But I think he has such A dandelion." -P. S. L. Constancy. Of course you've got a Packard, dear, And you're a dandy fellow, But still I can't elope with you- My papa's got a cellah. -Juggler Barr: "I owe a great deal to that woman on the corner." Rale: "Sort of guiding spirit, eh?" Barr: "Naw, she's my landlady." -Sun Dial "Every time I have an argument with my wife I enter it in a small diary." "Ah, I see; you keep a little scrap book." -Jester Current Events-Two electrocuted at Sing Sing. -Awgwan. Millers THE SHOWME 5 6 THE SHOWME Atlas holds 'em up, and- Bacchus puts 'em down! THE SHOWME 7 Our Own High Life Our own high life is full of thrills, but 'oft produces sundry ills when we are prone to dissipate by sleeping until half past eight. We paint the town most every night but never get it painted right, for while we try to paint it red, we find the color blue instead. Our chief d'iverson, is, you know, going to the picture show, where some of us almost surpass the sleeping that they do in class. 'Tis here each night at half past seven, just\ as the curtain climbs to heaven we settle down in peace- ful bliss awaiting Norma's two reel kiss. We listen to the thrilling strain of "Willie, waltz me 'round again," and cheer the hero on to find the man who stole his grandpa's mind. We whistle as the flag unfurls and also whei, the bathing girls play football on the nice, warm beach, far from the wild waves' chilling reach. More pies have passed across that screen than Mack himself has ever seen, there men are murdered, villains foiled, and girls turned on the crool, crool, woild. Just as the girl we came to see is praying at the villain's knee and we begin to wonder when the hero will drop in again there is a flicker and a flare and the operator comes up for air. This always makes the orchestra sore, as they will have to play, some more, but when the drama starts again they quickly cease the sad refrain; we often wonder why 'tis so, that they get paid to watch the show. And when the plot rolls on a while some bird comes groping down the aisle, who, thinking you an empty seat, proceeds to sit on you, toot sweet! This always helps to add some zest to "The Perils of Hortense in the West." The show is out, and as a rule we shoot a friendly stick of pool, or, if we feel unusually bold, we'll drink a coke, or anything cold. 'Tis not our lot, we all agree, to make our life one grand long spree, and our high life is nothing more than an occasional knock at a cellar door. Of course we have a few night owls who listen to their own weird howls and try to a stage a serenade on some- thing they have found or made, but they are few and ifar between, and are sel dom heard and never seen. So we live through this life so mild; who said that COLLEGE DAYS ARE WILD? 8 THE SHOWME Living in High Style. THE SHOWME 9 A FABLE: THE WOMAN-HATER Ernest was a Contrary Cuss and early developed into a Woman Hater on the Strength of a Whis pered Nothing to the affect that a Scattering of the Town belles would not be Averse to Feeding him Fudge in the Old Porch Swing. Continued application of Soft Soap about the Ears at the Hands of other children of Gossipy temperament laid the Foundation for Ernest's later Conviction that he was a Much Sought After young Man. He became Over-engined for his Beam. First blood was Registered for Ernest when a visiting Under-Sub-Deb insisted on Falling in Love. In keeping Abreast of his Reputation Ernest had quickly adopted a policy of Stagging to the Socials. He figured in that way to Keep his Social Position fresh and clean though he Avoided all semblance of Par- tiality. The U-S-D took one look at Ernest's frankly Bored profile and called all the Girls Around so that she could Announce that One was Enough. He was to Be Hers, she Said. Ernest heard the last Remark and it Singed his Ears. He could Understand the One Look part, but to Be publicly Claimed Upset Him. Stagging as He was Ernest had not bothered with a Program. He knew They'd look him up Before the dance was Over anyway. Unable to Determine just What num- bers he Had with the Selfish Guest he Compromised by going Home at once, leaving the Selfish One to dance a Couple in Private. So much for the U-S-D. In college Ernest Continued his Conquests. Someone whispered to Something that told Somebody else that Ernest was Blase. He at Once began the Cultivation of a Reserve. At first he tried Sitting in the Dusk of a Movie Palace. He'd cast a Questioning, half tolerant Glance about the Place and Toward those who Sat next to Him. In his Mind he'd imagine that they Glanced up as He swept them With his Musing Scourge. Later he went through the.Sketch in the Open where the Cattle could Stare back and he Got 'away Big. Standing in front of some Attractive Thing he'd apparently be Examining the Back of her Neck. All this Added greatly to his Standing about the" U. Ernest picked his Way carefully and was never Really in a Jam. Ernest would have Walked home by Way of the City Limits rather than Draw a little Caustic Com- ment but when he Sensed the Plaudits of the Feminine Gallery it was Hard to keep him from Waving a Flag. He Strove to conceal This Little Vanity but the Public began to Get next. First One and then Another Murmured that a Certain guy was a Conceited Fish. Ernest Flatly de- nied the Charge. Still the Rumor rolled on,. and Here and There fair ladies began to Snicker Slightly up their Sleeves. As long as they Echoed merely in the Arm Pits Ernest was not Troubled, but there were Those who were not so Dainty with their Ridicule. Before these last Ernest Fell. Where Ernest Formerly could have Rated the Best in the House in the Way of Clothes Draped on what he Considered the Best in the House in the Way of Girls, he is now Faced with a Long Argument to get a Dinner Date, which same is the Lowest to Which the Male of the Species can Fall. Moral: Be generous with What You've Got. 10 THE SHOWME Showme THE SHOWME, Room 311, Guitar Building Vol. 1, No. 6 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year Exclusive rights for the use of any of the text in this publication for Motion Picture reproduction is reserved for the Intercollegiate Film Com- pany (or an assignee). THE STAFF ARCH RODGERS ................................M anaging Editor. GERALD F. PERRY .......................................Art Editor. LYLE WILSON .......................................Literary Editor. FRANK HOUSTON ........................................Art Editor. BUSINESS DEPARTMENT WILLIAM TWEEDIE ................-..-....Business Manager. OWEN ATKINSON .............-.......... dvertising Manager. ERNEST GARTH ............................Circulation Manager. I. BROWN .....................Assistant Advertising Manager. ASSOCIATES BUSINESS ASSISTANTS Edwin N. Jacquin Paul S. Limerick C. A. Poole Lyle T. Johnson Lucille Gross J. B. Berger William Kieffer ART ASSOCIATES Florian P. Gass Ernestine Parks Marguerite Barnett Ralph Fowler The Memorial has gone over! From every corner of the campus, from eloquent four minute speeches in the class room to the midnight session and repartee over the coke glasses, came the old Tiger spirit and the willingness to sacrifice enough to make.possible a fitting memorial to those sons of Old Missouri who gave all that we might live. The success of the drive among the students and' faculty has brought the Missouri Memorial Union Building down to earth. Practically the entire sum of the $250,000 desired from the students and faculty was subscribed on the campus. The alumni will have to step lively in their campaign for $250,000 if they expect to equal the pace set by the students, when $100,000 was raised at the first mass meeting in two hours! Some are remaining for Spring Term and some have other reasons. As we go to press these sudorific days we feel that there are other places we might go with even less reluctance. THE SHOWME 11 THE FARMERS' FAIR This is one of Missouri's many wonder days. Today the big parade swings down the street, the band plays loud and long, anxious professors look alarmed at the small attendance in their classes, and in the afternoon, the gates are opened to the Sixteenth Annual, the Memorial Farmer's Fair. The Fair is truly, as advertised, a "Missouri Institution." It is the Ag student's gala day, and the entire school rejoices with him. Side-shows, Minstrels, the Follies, the Home Economics Display, "Those Girls," all offer clever amusement for the army of students, old grads, and visitors that throng the Pike. And don't forget the time honored "Shoot the Chutes," and this year, as an.added feature, an old fashioned barbecue. So join the merry crew, you who before have never witnessed such an occasion, and you who returned for the sole purpose of seeing another, and, above all, you who are leaving school this spring, for this fair may be your last one. And when you have thoroughly enjoyed the Fair, and it is only a pleasant memory, don't forget the work that the Ag boys put in on it, and remember that all the proceeds go to the Missouri Mem- orial Union Building. An Eastern university has voted to give the honor system until the end of the present school year to prove its worth. If in that time the theory that honor bound men and women can be trusted is not fully established the school authorities will go back to the "proctor" system of conducting examinations. This action is taken at the request of the student body. The vote in favor of returning to the "proctor" system upon the .failure of the honor system at the end of this term was almost unanimous. Published reports of this action by the students and the agreement of the faculty to it have appeared in half of the cities and towns of this country. These reports were carried by press associations and all who came across the dispatches must have looked again to make sure that they read the name of the university all right. That news story was a black eye to the school. If the honor system receives less than a 100 per cent support here we may read some day, that similar action has been taken at the University of Missouri. The Ag Club has declared for an agressive enforce- ment of the system. Other organizations should do the same. The hurt to the prestige and reputation of our University if we should be forced to follow the action of the Eastern university would be great. We cannot afford to let the honor system die. We guffawed at a spring "pome" the other day only to find that it was an unsigned gem by Long- fellow. We still think it's pretty punk, bearing out the w. k. saying, as it were, that first impressions are more or less lasting. The languishing eye of a beautiful girl took us in the other day which causes us to hope the poet was too conservative in limiting the springtime turning to the fancy of young men only. Brevity is the soul.of wit-just look what short skirts have done for the joke-smith, opines a con- trib. Also concentrate on the damage they've done to the ladies of croquet wicket architecture, say we. 12 THE SHOWME "I'd Better Not Tell Mother." The Sunrise Class. Each morning I get up at night, And dress by yellow 'lectric light, And take my roommate's sass; Then hurry off to snatch a bite, And sprint away with all my might, To make my sunrise class. Fifteen past eight, and still four blocks. Oh, curses on all eight o'clocks! I'm always late, alas! There's Nancy, waving me to stay And gab. Dear girlie, not today: I've got a sunrise class! It is a most unholy hour To fall in some professor's power. And yet, if I must pass, I've got to go occasion'ly To find what's going on, you see. Gosh darn my sunrise class! I'm almost there; good night! behind Is Johnny coming like the wind! That check I had to pass On him last week was wooden screed. My alibi? I've got to speed To make my sunrise class! -L. F. P. THE SHOWME 13 Knock Out Drops. The New Stenog. Mr. Foster's new stenographer was taking her first dictation. "The case of Beckett vs. Greene," he was say- ing, "will be tried next week. This here-" "Mr. Foster," gasped the girl, "you wouldn't say-" "-this hearing will decide several important things. Curse-" "What !" "-cursory notices of it have appeared in the papers," continued Foster, frowning. "Paragraph. Do you remember how Miss Abbott's leg-" "Goodness!" exclaimed the stenographer. "-legacy was worded?" growled Foster. "The dam-" "Oh, Mr. Foster!" "-the damage caused by the recent fire was extensive," roared Foster. "Hell-" The girl's hands flew to her ears. Foster gripped the arms of his chair. "-Helton is still busy discovering our loss. I seen-" "Wouldn't you say-" "-I see now that our safe was worthless!" Foster rose and began to pace the floor. "Para- graph. Do you know that Grace's hip-" "Oh !" "-hypnotic power over a jury is remarkable? Last night we went to Bed-" "Heavens!" "-Bedford! to see a client she is interested in!" yelled Foster. She almost stripped-" "Gracious!" "--alrrost-tripped-up-in-taking-the-de- positions! Paragraph! Go to Hell-" "Oh! Please--" "-to Helton for further information! .. That will do for today, Miss Davis! I-I'll con- tinue some other time!" .-L. F. P. She:-"Poor man! Did you lose your arm in the service?" He:-"Yes'm. I got it caught in a dumb wait- er." "These cafeterias remind me of army life be- fore the draft laws." "How's that? 'Splain." "Why the whole plan's based on voluntary service." 14 THE SHOWME A High Life Number. Safety First Lies slumbering here One William Lake; He heard the bell, But had no brake. -Detroit News. At fifty miles Drove Ollie Pidd; He thought he wouldn't Skid, but did. -Rome (N. Y.) Sentinel. Here lies John Smith, Wrapped in a sheet; He went too fast Thru all the sleet. -Detroit Motorist. Lies slumbering here Alphonso Churl; He had his arm Around a girl. --Akroin Times. For Norman Night My eyes are wet; He tried to light * A cigaret. -Youngstown Telegram. To add a verse Makes me shiver, But Izzy -Worse, Raced his flivver. I walked up the campus and peered in wonder at the dome of Academic Hall for I saw instead of the flea-bitten and wNeather-worn scrap heap a neatly painted dome with the window lights in and no sheets of tin flapping the breeze like the Mon- day's wash on the wire close line in the back yard. I walked through the first door of Academic Hall and not a single cootie was there, nor were there any Fickle Floras. The silence was earsplitting; the maze of figures before me confused my eye- sight for there were no figures there! Straightwey took I myself to the Palms and it was desolated. All ye who are thirsty give ear: the time was Wed- nesday night too. On I went in search of excite- ment to the library and lo! it was full of students and they were all studying! I pinched myself. Yes, I was awake.. I looked them over carefully and the girls were all fully dressed. Too much! I covered my eyes and stole out. As I was leaving I met a professor who did not wear a soup strainer mustache. I passed a sorority house and saw some people dancing and they were observing the four inch rule. My senses were fair- ly reeling. I was passing a fraternity house when suddenly I stopped as though I had seen a dime on the sidewalk. I was thunderstruck for what I heard issuing in delirious strains was the sweet tones of Traumerie coming from a violin. I went on and on, little knowing or caring where, until I came to a spot so well known and so popular, the golf links. By the light of the big bright moon I strolled across it while the sweet cool air fanned my fevered brow. I looked and looked and saw nobody (which was perfectly all right). I fell in a faint, it was too much for me. Now kind reader I must let you in on the secret which you may have suspected already. Go ahead and say it for you are right. I was drunk. A Mere Suggestion. A ring, A bead, A string of pearls. And she's The queen Of all the girls. "The I's have it," muttered the stude as he glanced at his study card. THE SHOWME 15j "Home Again Blues. 16 THE SHOWME THOSE DEAR OLD COLLEGE DAYS! You 'oft have heard, in rhymes and lays, about those dear old College days, and you, perchance, have also seen, much college life upon the screen; but 'list to me and be not grieved, if you find that you have been deceived. The college boy that you have met has been his mother's only pet; while father raved and tore his hair, yet son was only debonair. You see him in his sumptuous den, surrounded by his sleekened men, who leave their studies in the shade and plan some daring escapade. Perhaps they'll swoop down on an Inn, caress the bouncer on the chin, kidnap the entertainers fair, and drag them back into the lair. And next morning when the Dean, always of old bewhiskered mien, would kick our handsome hero out the students raise an awful shout. The Dean, of course, will always do just as the students wish him to, and Hand- some Howard, once more at the wheel, will tear on through the last half reel. Our College Days are great, indeed, but hardly come up to this speed, for he who burns the mid- night gas can not employ his arts in class. The College Youth is gay and free and always ready for a spree, he'll turn his cuffs and darn his socks and want to borrow twenty rocks to bet Old Alma wins the game, and drink deep to her praise and fame. But when the thrill of victory's o'er, he turns to eight o'clocks once more the daily grind of finding out just what this life is all about, and there with fellow studes converse the problems of the Universe. His life is not all thrills and play; he learns what keeps the wolf away. There are trying moments, now and then, in this gay life of college men; we meet some birds who borrow shirts and socks and ties until it hurts, and somehow never have the knack of knowing when to bring things back. They also, though with deep regrets, deplete your stock of cigarettes, these lads who just "drop in some time" to ask you for your last thin dime. Some night when you have a swell date and know the hour is growing late, you'll dive deep down into your duds where you've concealed your new shirt studs; you might as well prepare to squawk, for it does seem that these things walk away and other masters seek; they'll be returned some time next week. Right there you start a hue and cry and swear you'll black the wastrel's eye who stole into your secret safe with all the guile of knave and waif. But all that you can really do is search another hour or two, then decdrate your clean shirt front with collar buttons, brass and blunt! Yes, college days are days well spent, and we are very well content to live these years of work and fun, to face the world when they are done. But hearken not unto the fool who says, "It's this way up to school. We go to class from nine to ten and then go back to bed again; we play around and live in style, in fact, enjoy this life a while. Our courses are not hard, you know. A tutor's only a hundred or so." And then he gives an uptown yawn, and you are mighty glad he's gone. The swan who sings this kind of song won't last in college very long. Yes, college days are free and gay, but also hard as hell, we'll say! THE SHOWME 17 Clothes Make the Man- Now he was a Nice Boy from the Country who didn't Smoke, Drink, Chew or affect any of the other Attainments of modern Culture simply be- cause he didn't believe he had the Time. It was his last term in the Vale of Tears and Sorrows commonly known as a course in the University. He had an excellent Standing-until he met Her. Being as how he hadn't had time to Fool with the other species of the Human race, he thought he would have one Good Time before his period of Confinement ended. Now the sweet young thing was a confirmed Flatterer and it listened good to Him. It sounded good to hear himself being laud- ed as the Cleverest so-on-and-so-forth and natural- ly he Fell. Malted Milk dates, assembly dates, and all other kinds of Fruit from the date tree Fol- lowed. Now he had paid his Graduation fee and bought his uniform of the All-Wise. He was about to March up with his class to receive his de- gree when Lo and Behold! came his professor a- running to say he had F'd Preventive Medicine. MORAL: Don't let the Malted Milk you. --W. E. B. Eventually-Why Not Now? "Mother may I go to the dance?" "Yes, my darling daughter. You may wear the least the law allows And do whatever you want'er." -P. S. L. TO THE GOLF LINKS-A SONNET. Ah, field (and hill and vale) of green, Upon whose grassy face serene Steps verdant freshman and portly dean; Where graceful girls are graceful not, As they akwardly slice a brassie shot (Cause for partners to swear a lot); Where prim and professional gents Lose calm and gain a wrath intense As a sphere flies gaily over the fence; Where co-ed and lover roam arm in arm; Each variously thinking of nature's charm, And deaf to the shouted "Fore!" alarm- To you will the thoughts of alumni fly, And not to the Columns, as poets sigh. -T. R. C. 18 THE SHOWME Light and Lighter. THE SHOWME 19 Knute McNutt Says- Now we know why Columbus landed in Cuba first. If dead men tell no tales this ouija board sure is an awful liar. A well known b.rand of soap isn't the only ivory object that is 99 44-100%o pure. (Use your head, man, use your head.) When a fashion ad announces a big reduc- tion in skirts it is no sign that they are going down. -Oran Jade "The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra, la, have nothing to do with the case." "Yes, but the pins that bloom in the spring, tra. la,-Oh, Boy!" Not Quite Almost. "What did she say when you kissed her on the left cheek ?" "She said it didn't seem right." Here lies the bones Of one John Jones, Who was nobody's fool; He nobly died Because he tried To down too much White Mule! "Ikey, vy did you buy Rachel that riding suit ?" "Vell, she said she had to habit." Ain't It So? A penny's worth of powder And a little dab of paint On a homely woman's face Makes you think she's what she ain't. -P. S. L. "Jones and I were discussing his latest recipe for brew." "Oh, yes a currant topic, eh?" "They shall not pass," roared the prof as he tore up the exam papers. Theatre manager to prospective prima donna -"Can you sing Dardanella?" Applicant-"No, I can't." T. M.-"Thank Gawd, for that." -Awgwan. "I hear that the Widow threw down the Jug- gler." "Yeah, I guess he was trying to Jester." The violets bloom Upon the grave Of Roy Augustus Powers; He tried to give his wife A bunch of Artificial flowers! On the Green. 20 THE SHOWME Homeward Bound. An inspired ad writer told a waiting public in the last issue of the Showme that there,are twelve mountains of greater height than Pikes Peak. Our favorite periodical recently set forth that there are 62,000 different species in the Mollusca division of the Invertebrata. We can name the oyster, the muscle and the tea-hound. Pun: (Passing the fish pond on the Road to Coke). Looks like the gold fish will be with us soon. Ster: (Gazing at approaching four-button-sack model topped with a College Hat) Yeah, too bad they ain't all gold. An otherwise wise man is said to have slyly kicked a golf ball out from behind a tree, which explains, perhaps, why they so constantly refer to a "lie on the green." We are further tempted to add that many a stroke on the links go unrecorded. "Yes sir, this is certainly fraternity weather." "Howzat?" "Gives you the grip." -Gargoyle "Box of Handkerchiefs?" We suggested While carry Ing a pack Age for a Young lady She said "No" and We blushed And She didn't and We thought how Times have changed. "I say, have you a cigarette?" "Sorry, old dear, but I'm all fagged out." Would You Mind Playing a Waltz? "By George, what do they call that dance?" "Well, it's rather chic to cheek!" Mc-"Is my mouth open?" Duff-"No." Mc-"Well, it ought to be; I'm talking." THE SHOWME 21 In The Tiger Camp OUR GREAT DEMOCRATIZER. Every dog has his day, and so every sport has its most enthusiastic backers, those who will brave the autumnal blasts to watch the gridders maul each other for collegiate supremacy, those who covet the glare of the arclights and the sight of the square arena with gladiators, their paws ensconced in 8- ounce gloves, prancing, about on fresh sawdust; but the sport which has caused the poets to write of the immortal "Casey," and which furnished amuse- ment and recreation for a half million American people almost every day in the summer, is our nat- ional pastime. Little did A. G. Spaulding, Reach and all the other veterans and their cohorts realize as they tossed the horsehide about barehanded and with- out the appliances of the present generation, that they were introducing a game which was to revolu- tionize the sporting blood of America, and who knows, perhaps the sporting blood of the world. Back-yards once alive with flowers and green things have been turned into miniature ball parks by the future sons of America; a minute's ride from the busiest corner in the biggest city in the land can be found the American Boy playing the game he loves, because his father played it and loved it; our biggest city's dailies each afternoon in sum- mer, push into the background of a second page, the day's usual run of news, throw a different color ink in the presses and as the city's population ply their way homeward, announce in screaming head- lines, "Reds' vicious attack whips Blues." Not another Bolshevist uprising, but only the American populace gone "baseball mad." No city is too busy, no village too small, but what it can support some sort of a baseball team. Our huge manufacturing plants in search of a form of amusement upon which to divert the minds of their employees when off duty have organized baseball teams, built regulation parks and financed the entire undertaking. "What did Babe Ruth do this afternoon" is the nearest the busy city business man comes to a conversation with the overalls and dinner pail hanging on to the strap next to his in the subway or the "L," yet it is a start toward a greater democratization of our country. Not is the fact that "Babe" did or did not get his 50th home run of such paramount importance in the country's affairs, but it is an outlet for every- one's enthusiasm along a common channel. The banker, the coal driver, the minister, the carpenter, and the senator can talk in intimate terms without the least feeling of self consciousness. The heart and the mind of our University must play as well as our bodies. Out .there in the grand- stand and on the bleachers one can forget the stiff quiz and the long hours of vigil over the books which are to come, and having witnessed a peppery game of the national pastime return to the books refreshed in mind and spirit. The American heart is a big heart. Give it full play. "Play up, play up,,and play the game." THE TIGER SHARPENS HIS CLAWS. Yea, verily, spring is here. Just as tolling bells at midnight of December 31st ring out the old and ring in the new, so the welcome sound of hickory against horsehide, and familiar "Eeh Yah" from the coacher's box, ushers out the .last blustery blasts of March and screams recognition for the first days of spring and the opening of the baseball season. "There's none can compare with" the balmy spring days when the Old Gold and Black uniformed dia- mond pastimers clash with the best in the Valley. We have confidence in the nine which John Miller will send against Drake for the initial can- nonading in the 1921 rush for the gonfalon. Last year was a punk year. Why deny it? The team .was green, only two men having had previous ex- perience. The team as a whole could not hit their weight, there was a pitiable weakness behind the plate and one good pitcher tried to keep the Mis- souri nine out of the cellar and was fairly success- ful. However, the team performed well in the field. This last phase of last year's nine was all that Coach Miller cared to remember. The rest he was 22 THE SHOWME glad to forget. So erasing the past, he has begun anew. New dogs and new tricks has been the se- cret of spring training endeavor. The theory about the old dog and his inability to assimilate new tricks has been forgotten. Of the nine which will represent Missouri on the diamond this season, not more than four men of last season's squad are certain of berths. The infield will be almost the same, with the battery, outfield and offensive almost in entirety, new. The 1921 squad may not win the Valley bunting, but the nine is full of all kinds of ginger and every base- ball game will be a contest worth seeing. In the first place the morale of the team is going to be at high ebb throughout the season. The men who will make up the squad when the final cut is made are those who have fought hard against a galaxy of talent for their positions. It is doubtful if a coach ever faced- such a task as Coach Miller has been confronted with this sea- son in the selectidn of a team. As an example, last year it was necessary for him to find a backstop. When he was found there was no substitute. This season four receivers of known calibre made their appearance and any one could have been the first string catcher of last year. The four men from last season's nine who are certain of berths are Captain Lowrance, the clever outfielder from the jazzapation center of the world, famous for Handy's "Blues;" "Sunny Bill" Stroeter who will handle the 1st base proposition; Carl Hu- ber, the doughty second sacker, who is credited with having starred at Soldan in St. Louis when in reality his pre-University days were spent in a suburb of Clarkesville, Missouri, and last but not least, Bob Lam who hula hulas around the infield. The capabilities of the Tiger leader need no comment, as he is far and away the dandiest skip- per in the loop. He lariats the horsehide in great shape, fore and aft, port and starboard and in ad- dition shakes a mean stick at the plate. Charley's two principle courses at the University are baseball the national pastime. With the above mentioned' trio to open up on for the inner defense Coach Mil- ler has but one worry and that merely a question "There's certainly a clear ring to Mary's voice." "Yes indeed; she's our dinner belle." "Come, you eleven," called the coach to his team. of who is the best. Buss Williams and Jack Ful- bright are waging a merry bout for the look-in cor- ner. The former has a slight edge in fielding and the latter leads in strokes, and just at present has a slight lead on his opponent. Either man will top off the infield in great shape. None of the three veterans are A-1 sluggers but all are comnparable only to major league stars when it comes to field- ing their positions. Dick O'Reilly has just about nailed his name- plate on the left field job. He is a beautiful field- er and cracks the ball with precision. O'Reilly is a suitable running mate to the commander-in-chief, in center field. In the right garden Coach Miller is in something of a quandery. Bunker and Simp- son, both catchers by trade look good for the post. The Tiger mentor is demanding that his out- fielders carry one line of goods in stock and that one, hits. Bunker and Simpson have the edge over other candidates because of their slugging ability. Berry, Williams, Roberts and numerous others are capable fielders but are not the consistent hitters that Miller is in quest of. Behind the log when the opening shot is fired will be Leo Murphy. There has been no chance for the other three capable candidates because of the surpassing brilliancy of Murphy's showing in practice games. Murphy's greatest asset is his headwork, which when capitalied means his ability to shoulder the burdens of the entire defense when it is necessary to creep out of deep, dark holes. In addition he is a finished receiver and an accurate thrower. In the box there are as many as a half dozen possibilities. Of the entire flock a southpaw hurl- er looks the best. Lefty Pruitt has many of the qualities most to be desired in a winning hurler. Best of all he has shown that he has control of the spheroid. He has fair smoke and a nice curve ball. He has shown himself cool under fire and a smart pitcher in all practice games. Second honors among the slabmen seems to go to Joe Smith who has smoke and lots of headwork upon which to base his claim for regular duty. Ficklin, Harrison, Maddox, Howery and Luther are other mound ar- tists most likely to see duty. Wear and Tear. Editor-What you need is more local color. Authoress-Oh! I just painted up an hour ago! -Penn. State Froth. THE SHOWME Arma-Virumque I like the gentle oc-to-pus, Because he's such a funny cuss; His eyes jut out like bar-na-cles, Or little half grown mussel shells; And though he boasts no other charms, The creature has a hundred arms- So here with Maisie 'neath the tree I fain the oc-to-pus would be! -Cap and Gown. Novelize It. 1921-Did you see that movie called Oliver Twist? Frosh-Yes, and say, wouldn't that make a peach of a book? -Brown Jug. Here's a Twr. She frowned on him And called him Mr. Because in fun He merely Kr. So out of spite The next good night The naughty Mr. Kr. Sr. -From the Big U (U. S. S. Utah) Well Done. "Maybelle certainly has wonderful presence of mind." "Well, she got away with some pretty good ones of mine, too." -Chapparal Ain't It The Truth? She: "Gee, it's hard to part with-" He (expectantly): "Yes, go on." She (continuing) : "A toothless comb." -Burr "At last year's class smoker we had beer; this year it was cider." "Oh, that was tough." "No, it was hard." -Punch Bowl He Auto Anyway. "Poor Percy's chauffer has quit, and he has to drive his car now." "That's all right; he'll find out what it means to shift for himself." -Gargoyle William: "Jennings has a remarkable imagin- ation." Bryan: "What do you mean?" William: "When he drinks near-beer he makes a wry face." -Juggler "Do you believe in love at first sight, old dear?" "Well, I would hate to think that some people married after a second look." -Juggler The barbers cut your dangling hair And charge you fifty cents; I let my hair grow long and cut The overhead expense. -Chapparal 24 THE SHOWME The Central Bank Editor of Who's Who to applicant for write- up: What qualifications have you for space in the book? Applicant: I am a college graduate; a mem- ber of a fraternity, and during my four years of higher education I gave my fraternity badge to only twenty-six girls. Editor: Accepted on the last count. Oscar, Turn the Record Over. "That married couple remind me of a victrola." "You don't say?" "Yes, he's a crank, and she's always wound up." Incandescent? "Mr. Simp, can you give me the first example of the electric light?" "Yes, sir; Noah's arc." Our Landlords. They arrested our janitor On Tuesday last And threw him in jail For raising a draft- On the furnace. "Sure the food's on the bum; The punishment's crueller." Then he grew optimistic: "Yet this is no cooler- Than the flats." -P. S. L. Many a man who boasts of having ancestors that came over in the Mayflower couldn't get by the immigration authorities now-a-days. "They arrested the baker." "For why?" "They say he was raisin pies." S and B Clo. Co. Spur Cigarettes 26 THE SHOWME GEERY SHARP STUFF Straitedge, I pay Homage To thee Though I Ostentatiously Vaunt thee, Deep In thee Nadir Of my Ventricle, I am Cognizant That It means My butchered Countenance In great big Chunks When I employ Thee Because Thee Darn near Hews My aforementioned Physiogomy Off. R. A. B. Dick: "Diogenes had the dope." Martha: "Yes?" Dick: "He didn't even try to find an honest woman." -Exchange. At the Soda Fountain. Customer-"Your cream is very good." Clerk-"It ought to be; I just whipped it." -Drexerd. He-"I'm the best dancer in the country." She (sweetly)-"Yes-in the country." -Siren. 1-"Your pocket doesn't seem to grow any fat- ter." 2-"No, there's no change in it." -Awgwan. "Yes, Wilkins wrote six shows in four months, and now he's had to go the sanitarium to recov- er." "Kinda played out, eh?" -Tiger JOE JANOUSEK ART SHOP THE SHOWME 27 Hook, Line, and Sinker. "And thirty dollars was all you paid for that suit? Sounds pretty fishy to me." "Yes, it's herringbone, you know." -Widow "I am some wild boy. They wouldn't let me in a cabaret last night." "How's that?" "Closing time." --Jack-O-Lantern "How do you happen to know that insurance agent?" "Oh, we met by accident." -Jack-O-Lantern Hot Stuff. Editor-"We can't accept this poem. It isn't verse at all; merely an escape of gas." Aspiring poet-"Ah! I see; something is wrong with the meter." -The Medley "How dry I am!" murmed the congressional record to itself. -Banter Harris' She-"My face is my fortune!" He-"How long have you been broke?" -Drexerd. "Three balls," yelled the umpire. "Now's your chance to soak it," yelled the ex- cited pawnbroker's clerk to the batsman. -Drexerd. JIMMIE'S COLLEGE INN 28 THE SHOWME Banting. "Why so thin, my pretty maid ?" "I'm on a fast, kind sir," she said. "And how fast are you now ?" he said, "That's none of your affair," she said. -Georgia Cracker. Fruitful. "The stork has brought a little peach," The nurse said with an air. "I'm mighty glad," the father said, "IH-e didn't bring a pair." -Washington and Lee Mink. In Stock. Customer-I would like to see some cheap skates. Saleslady-Just a minute; I'll call the boss. -Carnegie Puppet. The Function. Gage-Why is your house all lit up this even- ing? Howard-Our cook's daughter is one of the season's debutantes and they're having the coming out ball tonight. -Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. Take Your Choice. Clarence (to the waiter as he enter)-Let me know when it is eleven-thirty. Lucy (sweetly)-The time or the check? -Ohio Sun Dial. Never Say Dye. There was a young lady named Esther, Loved a tailor who never caressed her, So her plight was most dire 'Til she slipped in the mire, Her tailor then cleaned her and pressed her. -California Pelican. PARKER FURNITURE COMPANY THE SHOWME 29 Won't Jack Rare? 1st Co-Ed:-(Discussing certain members of the opposite sex.) "I don't see why you and Mary think Jack is such a fine fellow. You both brag about it every time he asks you for a date." 2nd. Co-Ed:-"Why girlie, it's a rare treat to date with him." 1st. Ditto:-"Yes it may be. But they are rare treats he ever gives you." Struck Dumb. Dido-"Do you remember when you were first struck by my beauty?" Aeneas-"Yes, dearest. It was at the masked ball." .-Sun Dial. And They Call That Stylish. "Here comes a plucky girl." "How do you know?" "Look at her eyebrows." -Sun Dial "Ah ha!" shrilled the Jayhawk, as he made a great flutter in building his stadium-union, "I own the Valley." "Ho, ho!" roared the Tiger, as he came from his first football game in it, "It's a shame these fellows can't manage their own property." Lindsey 's First Flea: "Been on a vacation?" Second Flea: "No, on a tramp."-Tar Baby. "We get one week's vacation instead of two this year." "Oh, well, half a loaf is better than none." -Lampoon HARREL'S 30 THE SHOWME "It Ain't What It Used to Be." Putting It Fairly. Little Willie: "Pass me the butter." Mother (reproachfully): "If what, Willie?" Willie: "If you can reach it." -Gargoyle "They can't say but this college turns out some pretty good men," wheezed the professor as he flunked the varsity's star ball player. -Sun Dodger There was a man in our town And he was wondrous wise; He bought a lot of raisins But they weren't for raisin pies. PENNANT "Wasn't her bathing suit just a trifle--" "Tlhat's all I could see to it-A mere trifle." "Is he hard at work?" "Hard ..... .Ferocious!" --Frivol Dorn-Cloney Laundry THE SHOWME 31 Good Riddance. "Well, Margaret is engaged." "Who's the happy man?" "H-er father." -Jester. True Nobody sees A big hole In a little Girl's stocking. But a little Hole in a big Girl's stocking Will start a Parade! -Burr. Clarissa: "Don't you love Coles Philip's women, though?" Freddie: "Why, I don't know. Who does he step out with?" -Sun Dodger Big Men About College. THE DRUNKARD'S CURSE I have followed the hearse of all my hopes, I have buried them one by one, Gaze upon me, and you will see What the curse of drink has done. I too had a wife, and a child and a home, But now I am all alone, O God! I should never have taken That first insiduous ice cream cone. My mother said: "Willie lay off that vanilly, Them phosphates will lead you astray, The devil himself is in sarsaparilly, Hidden in them fountains so gay." But fool that I was, I laughed her to scorn, "I can take it, or leave it alone." And I drank that same day a chocolate frappe, Oh! God! If I had but knowNn. But one day an angel came into my life. "I believe in you, Clarence," she said. And I loved her so dearly that for one long year nearly A temperate life I led. And a baby came, as babies will, And grew to a babling child. But I craved all the time, just the juice of one lime, And the thought of it drove me wild. One day I fell into an ice cream den, I slunk with a sinful slink; And I staggered home when night came on A victim again of drink. That night of shame is a dreadful dream That will haunt till the day of my death. When I kissed her, my child cried in accents so wild: "You have rasp-berry crush on your breath." What will become of this wreck of a man, This quivering broken reed? "Another parfait with a straw, I say." God! What a life to lead. MORAL: It you must drink, be sure you do it at the place that serves the very best. The Tavern Drug Store 32 THE SHOWME Taylor Music Company Curtain History Prof: "Mr. Brown, how did the anc- ient cliff dwellers keep warm?" Mr. Brown: "I guess they used the Moun- tain Ranges." --Tar Baby Old Stuff. Professor: "Give me an example of the double neg-ative." Frosh: "I don't know none." -Burr "Say, Jack, look at that blue fox fur on that girl over there." "It's pretty, but no fox ever lived that color." "No, but it dyed that color." -Exchange Chem Prof: "Why didn't you filter this?" Student: "I didn't think it would stand the strain." -Brown Jug INTERNATIONAL LIFE INSURANCE CO. The SHOWME Gordon & Koppel