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Showme November, 1921; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1921

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SHOWME NOVEMBER hard boiled number "Youse kin buy dis number or leave in alone! SEE!! Vol. II Universiy of Missouri No. 3 Quality THE concrete elements are not found simply by the measurement of a thing. Quality, for instance has a character not to be estimated alone by size, shape or substance. To any three dimensions of quality one must often add a fourth, the satisfaction in its possession. This thought is constantly in mind in our printing work. Call on us for estimates or phone 97 for your printing HERALD-STATESMAN PUBLISHING CO. Virginia Building Building a famous box of candy How each one of these sweets won the right to its place in The Sampler If you were to have in front of you at this mo- ment the ten most famous Whitman packages and were to select from each candies to make up an assortment that would be a "sampler" of them all, you would follow exactly the method we use in making up Whitman's Sampler. Every sweet in this unique package is a long-tested favorite from other packages of Whitman's-famous since 1842. Every sweet in the sampler has "won the votes" of the most critical purchasers of candy in America. Everything about the sampler is unusual-the quality of the sweets, the way they were selected and the quaint box that women like so much to keep. Stores that sell the Sampler sell the other Whitman pack- ages, and receive them all direct trom the makers. STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. Whitman's famous candies are sold by Peck Drug and News Company Special Columbia Package 2 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER INCORPORATED American Color Engraving Co. 1885 Artists Designers Engravers all Processes and Purposes offset and photo-litho specialists. PRODUCERS OF PLATES IN ONE OR MULTICOLORS 914 PINE STREET ST. LOUIS, MO. A More Particular Studio and Engraving Shoppe for:- High Schools Colleges Universities "Hey, hey! You can't sleep here." "I know I can't wid you makin' all dis fuss." -Tar Baby. Pop (to his bright infant): "What's wrong, Son (twelve years old): "I had a terrible scene with your wife." -Cap and Bells. An artistic man is one who can kiss a girl with- out tearing her hair net. -Tar Baby. Henninger's Jewelry Store You will need merchandise from clocks to a diamond engagement ring. We supply you. You Can Dance Anytime With a VICTROLA Taylor Music Co THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 3 To a Co'Ed. For days on days and weeks on weeks I've striven to express In words the subtle beauty of your dainty loveli- ness Yet all of nature round me in the birds, the flowers, the trees, Is whispering what I cannot voice with tantalizing ease For all the poems dear, ever penned, could not say what is due To the joy, the peace, the beauty of a single thot of you. -Pop A. Cowe. The rooster, like a lot of men, Can crow to beat the deuce; But when you crowd him for results You find he can't produce. -Puppet. Customer (in book store)-"I want the last work in dictionaries." Clerk-"Yes, sir; Zythum." -Record. HERE YOU CAN FIND THAT RARE THING Personal Distinctive Perfume A courteous clerk will gladly help you select it. Tavern Drug Store For Quality Style Service and Courteous Treatment go to LEVY'S "QUALITY FOOTWEAR" 4 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER When You Want Something And don't know what you want, it's Home Goodies from STRENG'S Phone 426 1010 Broadway Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records It would seem untrue that one style in particular should have the ability, in loveliness and delicacy to outstep any or many of the little models designed and made by I. Miller However, the patent sandal sketched is a suc- cessful captain. It has an odd and artistic forepart, three graceful straps and dainty perforations. Some- thing to be seen and thought about. Watch Our Millers Hosiery and Windows Repairing 800 BROADWAY THE SHOWME November, 1921 The Showme is published monthly from September till March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 506 Guitar Build- ing, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, Nov- ember 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Columbia, Mo., under the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription price $1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased from news- stands. Prof.: "How many make a million?" Fresh.: "Not very many." -Awgwan. Always at Your Service "23" Transfer & Storage Co. 6 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Harde Boyled Johnny A ladde there was, a puissant might was ee, Comme from ye styckes unto ye unibersite. Eftsoons hys speede in hys homme town was suche, hee hadde bin yclept " harde Boyled" Jonny McGluch forth fare ye swain with one intente in mynde: To painte ye colledge redd and leve behinde Create recorde of hys prowesse in all classe Of thyng save clerkly studies, by ye masse! But whanne that hee stepped out of roome at nyte Sore did ye soffs besette and putte to flyght. Cogswounds! Whanne hee for footballe did go oute Smashed was hys beezzer, and him sette to route. thynking hee shooke a wicked cube, pardie, parlously large summes of goode kale lost hee. Certes, the laydies are my marke, quod John; But baynely beggeb hee baytes from every one. So passed ye sesons on, anb our poure fysshe hath lost great store of hys one=tyme ambysshe. Now doth hee eke burne longe ye mydnyght juice, For myth Fie Bayta kappa he would make truce. (With offense to Chaucer) THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 7 HARD BOILED! The hard boiled crew from Tiger town must take the husky Sooner down and then proceed to trail and stalk that bird who lives on rock and chalk. Thanksgiving will not be complete unless we dine on Jayhawk meat. One year ago a band of braves put Tiger joys deep in their graves for Oklahoma killed our hopes and sent us reeling to the ropes. This year the red skin comes again, to mix up with the Tiger clan, and woe unto each young papoose when eleven Tigers are let loose! Mizzou's gang will be out for gore, we have to even up the score, we'll chase the Sooner from his tent and knock him for a good month's rent. If any scalping must be done, we'll leave it to a native son. The Jayhawk is a foe of old, his tale of woe has 'oft been told, for Tigers do not seem discreet when dining on rare Jayhawk meat. This year Missouri will embark upon the hopess of Pottsy Clark and see if he can stem the tide of rushes for the Kansans' hide. We'll also help initiate the stadium put up of late, and fight 'em, gang, and choose 'em fair, and drag the foe into our lair. We're with you, team, old Gold and Black will run 'em down and beat 'em back, and Tiger spirit, as of yore, will roam abroad and romp and roar. We'll show 'em, plowing yard by yard, these Tiger boys are MIGHTY HARD! 8 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER A Hard-Boiled Evangelist. THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 9 CONFIDENT CALVIN When Calvin was one year old his Father placed before him a Bible, a Book, two silver Dollars and a corkscrew. Calvin's father Wanted to know what His son intended to do in Later Life. He would have asked him Point Blank but Calvin Junior was still unable to talk Except in Words of one Syllable. Around the Testing Table were all the relatives. Calvin already was developing a Spoiling fore- head and close set Eyes. An uninterested Observer might have thought a ball and Chain should have been included in the Collection of Potential Playthings. Calvin looked the Junk over and rested his foot on the Bible long enough to Allow his Aunt Sophy to Heave a Sigh.and Point with Pride. Then he picked up one Silver Dollar and the family thought he was going to be a Merchant until he Grabbed the other one in his other Fist and they recognized him as a Probable Politician. Calvin marked the High School for his own by the time he Had spent two winters in the Institu- tion. At the end of his Fourth Term he had been elected Treasurer of almost Every organization they had and Counted three times he could have been elected President of Something as instances when he Had displayed Acumen. He'd rather spend the Money than Direct the Collection, he said. Calvin was Real Stuff when it came to Bagging Ballots. He studied the Psychology of the Voting Public as represented in the Big Brick Building with a Fire Escape. He found that more People Turned out to Vote Against some bird than ever Checked a Ballot to help along the Cause. The High School proletariat seemed to consider the Voting season as the Time to Knife its enemies. To miss out on the Knifing process Calvin became a Mixer. He stirred Around continually. After High School Calvin came to the University. The Gentle art of Handshaking Calvin found of use In the University Circle. Smart as they were the Upper Classmen and Faculty responded well to a Judicious Application of Soft Soap. Calvin Smeared it thick. By the time he reached His Junior year Calvin had Joined every Organization on the Campus. There were one or two to which he was not eligible Until his Senior Year but he figured it was better that way be cause he'd not have to pay dues on them so long. When he went out wearing all his Pins and Insignia he Appeared to be wearing a Metal Shirt with a few Brilliants. Calvin knew this and rarely wore more than ten Pins at one time. His Affiliations em- braced all in School from the highest to the Lowest. The Flunkers were his pals and the Eye Glass crew his Buddies. He hoisted a wicked Elbow among the Booze Fighters and shook a Sorrowful head with the Arid brethern. His lines of Communication ran into Every Nook on the Campus. When a new Order was Or- ganized Calvin was among the First to be approached. Having erected this Imposing Political Fence Calvin Ran for High Office. He dropped the word among the Thousand or so Fellow members of his Collective Club and sat back to laugh at the Nearest opponent. A short Campaign ended with Calvin Confident that all the Loyal members would be out there fight- ing for good old Brother Cal. A Nobody won the race while Calvin polled a few more than the number of men who sat at His Table. The Loyal Brothers were loyal to..Someone Else. Calvin was quoted as saying that a. lotta Guys didn't Vote for Him. The Winning candidate was a member of An upstate County Club and had joined the Old Guard every Fall since the first one. Calvin belonged to Both of these and thirty More. Moral: Quality makes Quantity look Sick. 10 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER SHOWME Published by Students of the University of Missouri THE SHOWME, Room 506, Guitar Building Vol. II, No. 3 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year Exclusive rights for the use of any of the text in this publication for Motion Picture reproduction is reserved for the Intercollegiate Film Com- pany (or an assignee). THE STAFF ARCH RODGERS ...............- ......- .......-. M anaging Editor. GERALD F. PERRY .......................................Art Editor. LYLE WILSON ........-.-.............-------.----Literary Editor. FRANK HOUSTON ....................- ................-.Art Editor. BUSINESS DEPARTMENT WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Mgr. ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT Ernest D. Garth, Mgr. Alfred Egan J. W. Brown, Jr. ASSISTANTS Fritz Schroeder William Armstrong Paul Miller CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT Francis Misselwitz, Mgr. L. C. Kassebaum James Boyle ASSOCIATES Edwin N. Jacquin J. Q. Adams Florien P. Gass Ernestine Parks J. B. Berger Wiley Padan Marguerite Barnett Ralph Fowler Robert W. Seaman C. M. Barnes D. K. Musler James Patton A. T. Arn Waverly Hays P. S. Limerick L. F. P. MEMORIAL SITE TO BE DEDICATED The breaking of the ground for the University of Missouri Memorial will mark an epoch in this insti- tution's progress; our honored dead are not forgotten. When the Memorial structure rises, when the great tower is completed and Missouri students are enjoying the privileges of the building, we will not forget those whose supreme sacrifice brought the struc- ture into being. Present students can not do enough to honor them, to keep their names sacred in the hearts of all who love Old Mizzou. Let us give what little we can to carry on the ideals for which these men died. THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 11 HOMECOMING Another year of college life has slipped by and the time of homecoming, always one of the bright- est spots of the school year, is again upon us. Homecoming: a magic word to the undergraduate and the alumnus; the meeting of the old grads and the old guards, a plunge into the sea of Tiger Spirit, deep draughts from the brimming bowl of fellowship. Missouri is famous for her homecomings. The celebration and victory over Kansas last year was worth several years of the average student's or business man's existence, judging from the joy and re- juvination instilled into the many followers of the old Gold and Black. Oklahoma University, the crafty champion Sooners, will be the opponents of the Tigers this year, and Missouri will be out for blood. It will be a long time before the defeat administered by Oklahoma last year can be forgotten. We are proud of our football team; they are going to make a strong bid for the Missouri Valley Championship. Men like "Chuck" Lewis, Allan Lincoln, Captain "Herb" Blumer, Bunker, Hill, Hardin, and Hamilton would be a credit to any eleven in the in the United States, and the entire team is endowed with a fighting spirit that nothing can break. Win or lose, the Tigers treat their foes as gentlemen and sportsmen should, and in so doing, have set an example for the student body that has created a thing of which we are justly proud, Missouri Spirit. November 12 is the day, a gala day for Mizzou and for you, a pleasure which you can not afford to deny yourself. If you are a student or a resident of Columbia, you need no further urging to be present, but if you belong to the throng who in former days helped out Missouri where she stands today, if you have a son, daughter, relative, or friend in the University, or if you wish to see a live college town in ac- tion when a real homecoming is staged, be here! The program includes a march by classes from the Columns to Rollins Field, and every member of your class who can possibly be present will join the line. Can you afford to miss it? Be here! The official homecoming program follows: NOVEMBER 11 I Registration of visitors. II Military Review by R. O. T. C. 4:00 p. m. III M Men's banquet at Y. M. C. A. 5:00 p. m. IV Mass Meeting, Academic Hall 7:15 p. m. V Torch-light parade, students and former students marching in classes from Red Campus to baseball field. NOVEMBER 12 I Parade ...................... 9:00 a. m. II Dedication of site of Memorial 11:00 a. m. III Game. Missouri vs. Oklahoma University .................. 2:30 p. m. IV Mixer, dancing and carnival on street after ................ 8:00 p. m. V Shirt-tail parade (?) While the Brotherhoods are idle what's to prevent us pasting a postage stamp on the back of our necks and posing as a parcel post package for the time- being. Uncle Sam remarks that mail will be moved and none seems to question the fact. Our entry in th annual paradox contest is the fact that $100,000,000 in gold is being shipped into the United States each month while business is still using the ancient "Open Sesame" incantation to open the door to prosperity. Maybe the eagles are being used to plug holes in doughnuts. A rumor that full credit this term would be given to students volunteering for railroad duty in the event of a strike sent several to see their respective deans. Thus proving that Mr. Bryan was not far wrong regarding the million springing to arms overnight, provided they get full credit and no classes. Missouri has reason to be proud of the tribute paid to Tiger sportsmanship by Capt. "Polly" Wal- lace, of the Iowa State Agricultural College. No less is there due a just measure of satisfaction in the knowledge that some five hundred Missouri undergraduates paraded down to the railroad station to see "Polly" and his pals off. 12 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER "Macbeth doth murder sleep." THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 13 ADVENTURES OF AMBROSE or Gumshoe Gus, de Goof. VOLUME IV Ambrose and Horatio were leaping across the Grand Canyon, when Ambrose paused to discon- nect his speedometer. "What delayed you?" quer- ied Horatio. "I struck a sympathetic chord," responded Ambrose. "It sounded like a perpendicular," admonished Horatio. "At least, it had the right angle." Just at this time a covey of whales hopped out of the juniper bushes. "That's strange," mused Ambrose, "none of them had bridles on. They must be tame whales." "Did you notice," whistled Horatio, "that they all wore gum shoes? Perhaps they belong to the Landlord's Alliance !" "Unreasonable enough," affirmed Ambrose. "But huzzah, who is yon strange personage?" And they concealed themselves behind one of their triple personalities. VOLUME V "I", said the strange personage, after the ad- venturers had surrounded him by a series of for- ward passes, "am Gumshoe Gus, de Goof. How is your asthma doing?" "Remarkable," shouted Ambrose and Horatio in unison, almost together. "Where did you leave Lord Whifempoof?" "His Lordship," murmured Gumshoe Gus, placing one of his gum shoes on the crocheted counterpain of a silver tipped asparagus bed, "is aboard his whaleship, Bosco, in the center of the fleet. He has a steerage passage. Bosco is the one with the brown finish." "Irrevocable," screamed Ambrose. "Horatio, with this information, we can find the Princess be- fore Emancipation Day. How did you leave her, Gus?" "On foot," sighed Gumshoe Gus, hanging his remaining gum shoe on the sky line. "However, I can not reconcile this erosion with my constitu- tion." "Be careful," admonished Horatio, "not to let anything slip into your constitution that may be illegal." And they stepped aboard a passing hallucina- tion. VOLUME VI Gumshoe Gus had just finished his boiled ba- nana sandwich when the hallucination came to an end, two miles west of Copenhagen. "So this is Connecticut," yawned Ambrose, with modest mod- ulation. "I thought it was compulsory," rejoined Hora- tio, removing a zinc etching from Ambrose's radia- tor. "But why are you tying your imagination to that innocent pine tree?" "I am preparing to stretch it," answered Gum- shoe Gus. "Isn't that beautiful music?" "Yes," replied Ambrose, "It's my new hat band." Suddenly Horatio leaped into a canoe and started rowing desperately across the desert. "He drank too much carborundum and iron," explained Ambrose, "in that last pint of mineral water." At this moment Horatio came dashing in with a squad of sand dunes. "I found them wandering around in the ocean," he explained, "and I am tak- ing them home." "Halt!" shouted Ambrose, "There comes Bos- co and Lord Whifempoof, chasing a kangaroo und yon hillock. Conceal yourselves!" And they slid under the first curtain of twi- light. (To be continued) 14 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Great was King Arthur of Shalotte, He loved to spear and Launcelot; And though his figure wasn't bad, He'd not the beauty Galahad. Lines. On Hearing the Xylophone Next Door at 2 A. M. Oh xylophonist, source of sound Than which I know of none that worse is, And object, too, of my profound- Est curses. I don't believe a night you skip Of that cacaphonous, loud tinkle; I know you could have waked old Rip Van Winkle. Of course you're earnest with your art, Devoting honest effort to it; But if at midnight you must start,- Don't do it. Of times I've longed, ah! longed to strike You've no conception of the number. I do like to jazz, but oh! I like My slumber ! Oh xylophonist, you, I'm sure, Are one without a grain of honor. If ever I can find you, you're A goner! -F. P. G. AN AWFUL CONFESSION You never would think from my cherubic face I was master of feminine arts; You never would guess that my mind had a place For the wiles in feminine hearts; My innocent features would never betray Any knowledge of things so abstruse As the roll in a stocking or something so shocking As a lipstick, its object and use. You never would think I knew nearly enough Of flappers and flapees and such To write about them in this anapest stuff And make it sound interesting,-much. In short, you would say I was dumb-bell the First. You would say I was ignorant quite Of matters pertaining to feminine training,- The truth of it is, you'd be right. -F. P. G "Sitting Bull" Curtain rises showing a darkened stage. In the foreground at the side of the road, stands a Packikad. A moon in the full shows through the trees. Voice from the car softly masculine-"Mamma love pappa?" Ditto but distinctly feminely sweet- "Um-m-m-m." Silence More silence Still more ditto Voice from the car, sweetly feminine-"Pappa love mamma?" Ditto but softly masculine-"Um-m-m-m." Silence. (Curtain.) "Too full for sound or foam."-Tennyson. THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 15 Olive, once serene and calm, Hurls the soap jar from her palm! "I wonder where my sweet- sweet data's gone," murmured the stude, glancing through his note- book. The man who called it "mountain dew" should have stated that the mountain was of volcanic origin. Among the students we'd like to write an epi- taph for-the "E" student who comes around and says, "I just know I flunked that quiz." A certain young girl was no st. Her complexion she often would pt. And a certain young Mr. When he had twice kr. Said: Girl, I see lips where they at. "Few people know that Missouri is famous for many things," spluttered irate Si Hawkins at the detractor of his home state. "Look at the corn cob pipe. And then again the sun never sets on the Missouri mule." "Humph," retorted the other. "Darned few sons do." Attention of Mr. Edison. What was the Democratic vote In Tennessee ten years ago? What is the strength of creosote Or is it strong, or do you know? How many methods can you show Of stopping your alarm clock's ring? Why is our iceman always slow? Why does my neighbor like to sing? What kind of soap will always float? Where does the river Shannon flow? What kind of craft was Charon's boat, And did he really have to row? Why won't my bed of lettuce grow? What was the strength of David's sling In pounds, to lay Goliath low? Why does my neighbor like to sing? Why does he trill the very note That grates the most on me, below? Why does he strain that tortured throat While I, in pain, pace to and fro? Why does he gush of lovers' woe, And burble of the charms of spring? He knows we suffer; even so- Why does my neighbor like to sing? Envoy Prince, tis said you're wise, and though This quizzing is no simple thing, One question more before you go,- Why does my neighbor like to sing? -F. P. G. For an example of an open countenance see any member of the barber shop quartet in action. The pup is about to make his choice, 'Twixt a buried bone and his master's voice! 16 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Handsome George, the Arrow ad, Wants a good rest, and he wants it bad! Fresh Is Right. Jim: Why should I take his statements with a grain of salt? Sam: So you can keep them fresh in your mind. Agricultural Note. The wheat crop may vary from year to year, but the production of mules remains stable. And Then He Was Right in the Swim. Socially speaking, many a bright son has melt- ed the ice with a hot remark. Curses! I kissed a lass! I weep! Alack, My eyes were blue, And now they're black! -Oran Jade It's A Germ. The bite of Trypanosoma Makes you drowsy first, in the doma. Then, seeking repose You tune up your nose, And sleep till the cows cometh homa. To Catch a Fish- A poor fish in the river Dordogne Was a bachelor, and lived all alogne; But he worked out a line So exceedingly fine That he now has a home of his owgne. He: "Are you cold?" She: "No thank you." THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 17 Mr. Munsing wonders whether His heavies are too much for this weather! The Thanksgiving Dance. Ain't it gettin' awful cold Nowadays All the closed-car stock is sold Nowadays Men draw closer at a glance Women shiver as they dance Ain't it gettin' awful cold Nowadays? -Pop A. Cowe. Willie Fisk may soon get fired, But he doesn't care, 'cause Willie's tired! Dame Gossip. I read In the morning paper That Some boarders Were poisoned At Bloomer's. But She's quit Serving meals Any longer, So I s'pose It was Only Some rumors. -P. S.L Prof: Why is it that insomnia is unknown in Poland ? Pre-Med: All the Poles sleep like logs. A strong line wins football games as well as kisses, etc. Taking his actions here as such, He must have felt the metal's touch! 18 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Low Stuff. Last month I said something About trade marks It's a shame What do you think of that Idiotic trademark of a Tobacco company "Roll your own" Gosh What's become of holeproof? "Pass the chicken," ordered the speeder to his chauffeur as the stage star's Stutz whizzed by. Mr. Caterpillar-"Mr. Bedbug, we want you to come out to the insects reunion tomorrow night." Mr. Bedbug-"Sorry, old man, but I work nights." For the benefit of those who wish to make education practical, the following suggestions are made for a course in Physics: Experiment 21. Procure a piece of meat from your boarding house, and measure carefully with the micrometers. Stretch to the maximum and remeas- ure. The toughness or elasticity is then given by the formula, E-Second Length. Can you handle First Length this with an ordinary knife and fork? How? Experiment 29. One ball of mass 350 grams moving with a velocity of 35 centimeters per sec- and strikes a similar stationary ball 60 degrees out of the centerline. What is the force of impact? Will the cue ball go into a pocket 15 centimeters away? Experiment 36. Weight of 135 pounds is sup- ported by two chains representing upward forces of 125 pounds each. A weight of 115 pounds is then added. Will the swing hold you both? Experiment 43. A weight of 1Y pounds is thrown horizontally with a velocity of 8 feet per second. If the shoe is well-aimed, will your room- mate 10 feet away move? What will he say? Why? And say As to trademarks Huccome these hosiery people Don't feature that Collar ad "Form fit"? "I have a good job at the confectioner's." "What do you do?" "Milk chocolates !" THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 19 Hard Boiled Instruction at the Seat of Learning. Alas for those who never sneeze! Who, when they get the impulse, seize Their nose, and with a force profound Repress that well known wooshing sound That jars the air for miles around! They suffer fourteen different pains, For all their spirits downward droop; For moss doth gather on the brains Of those who never give a who-o-p! -Oran Jade We wish to thank The Arrow Collar People For their support On this number. Did you notice That the shirt On The back cover Was Hard Boiled? 20 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Operator places uncorrectedl papers at "A"; arm "B" carries papers to position "C" automatically opening valve "G." Corrected papers fall at "F" and are by machine "H" (electric fan "L" keeps papers away from "E" and S arms - this feature alone assures popularity of The invention) ink dropping from paper is caught by funnel "E" Power is furnished by rat "Q" on tread= mill "J" chasing cheese "P" When pressure tank is empty whistle "M" blows. This fright= ens cuckoo in clock "N" causing bird to come out and cuckoo so loudly that rat "Q" stops until tank is refilled. Metamorphosic. I went to school for knowledge And I learned to roll my hose, I steal my brother's Camels And put powder on my nose; I rouge my lips and paint my cheeks And have a string of beaus- But I'm dern glad that I went to school. I went to school for polish And I learned to cuss and swear I say damn every minute And I cut off all my hair; I flirt with every man I see As I swing about the square- But I'm dern glad that I went to school. My dear Mama she sent me here -To make me more refined; I now play penny poker And use a wicked line; I try to get a frat pin From every man I find- But I'm dern glad that I went to school. My dear papa he told me All the things I shouldn't do The only thing I haven't done Is drink and spit and chew; I shortened every skirt I own I'll die of illness, too- But I'm dern glad that I went to school. THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 21 In the Tiger Camp A Real Football Classic November 12 "Back to Old Missouri" One year ago the Oklahoma Sooners arrived here in Columbia and took home with them a Tiger pelt. Bennie Owen's accurate passing gridmen opened up an aerial at- tack that swept the Tigers before it. And Old Mizzou lost a Valley championship in that single defeat of the year. A commemoration of that martyrdom is going to be held in the Tiger's lair on November 12. And Oklahoma, with splendid sportsmanship, again playing in'Columbia that Missouri might have a suitable battle to offer her returning sons, is going to face a team of eleven ravenous Bengals whose revenge burns strong within them. A champion- ship may hinge on that contest. Two well-balanced ag- gregations will meet each with a grim determination to win. The sons of Old Mizzou who do not witness that exhibition of physical prowess before which the games of ancient Greece would seem as child's play, will miss the greatest athletic demonstration of the century! Edison has asked in one of his famous sets of questions: "What event of 1921 will be remembered fifty years from now?" And not a man present at the classic on Rollins Field this Homecoming Day will hesitate one second to reply: "The Missouri-Oklahoma football game at Colum- bia." There isn't a doubt of it! And a battle of its won- derful significance will be well worth travelling across the globe to see. Lewis, the inimitable "Chuck", is again in Tiger uniform. He will be out to fight the greatest fight of his world-famous career. Anyone who saw him go swirling, twisting, dashing, stiff-arming and finally stag- gering through the entire Oklahoma team last year for an 85-yard run to a touchdown will know the reason his name is one to conjure with. And Allan Lincoln, Brutus Hamilton, Roscoe Hill, Herb Bunker, Herb Blumer, this year's Tiger leader-one could name that entire Tiger eleven, and not mention a man but who is known the nation over for splendid fighting ability on the gridiron. They will all be fighting for the Gold and Black and a victory that means so much to every loyal son and daugh- ter of Missouri. But not alone on this athletic classic is the appeal to alumni based. We want you back. Every man and woman in the Universit ytoday wants YOU to be back here that day. We're going to learn to know our alumni. Too long have the men and women gone out from the portals of our Alma Mater and never once looked back. But the columns, staid old towers of tradition and sentiment, bend their very forms in a beckoning appeal for your return. Come back to see what your school is doing and what she has done. Learn again to wander about the old quad and tell to other "old grads" the tales so dear to your col- lege days. Learn again the tugging at the heartstrings that comes when you hear the songs on the lips of stu- dents "I'm a Son"; and "Around the Columns of Old Mis- souri", and the joy that you find when suddenly your own voice is raised in the old familiar strain. It's wonderful. Another feature of the greatest Homecoming of all time is that of the dedication of Missouri's Memorial Building. Some of the greatest men in the world today have been invited to attend this momentous occasion. General John J. Pershing, a native Missourian, General Enoch H. Crowder, another of our native sons; Marshal Foch, the idol of France; and General Diaz, Gen- eral Haig, General Beatty, all great men of the day will be brought to Columbia, according to the plans of the Me- morial Union committee and President J. C. Jones. This is our greatest undertaking since the founding of the school-the dedication and construction of a Memorial Building to the sons of Old Mizzou who gave their lives that we might yet live and breathe the air of freedom. Will you be here to see its inception? Will you return to your Alma Mater to attend her rebirth? For this is the beginning of a new -era in Old Mizzou! We have a wonderful building program. New structures everywhere are showing the increase in our old-school. We love to think of her as she was in the old days; but we cannot help but be proud of her in her gigantic steps in growth. Millions of dollars are being put into the building program of the University. Governor Hyde is in sympathy with every movement; and he has promised to attend this great occasion if possible, and witness the dedication of the Memorial. We want to make an appeal to you to return. We want to impress upon you the wonderful opportunity this will be to again establish your relations. To those who have almost forgotten their "days when Alma Mater shel- tered us beneath her wing," we wish to bring with partic- ular force the supplication of our invitation and its sin- cerity. We want to know every one of you. This is our University. We are proud of it-all of us. And we know you are, too. May we count on you? 22 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER "Tony's breath smells of garlic." "Yes, another Greek offensive." ACADEMIC HALL A masculine co-ed raises his eyes and sees that she has a pretty face as well. He-"Hello there, where going ?" She-"Class." He-"Bell just rang-no hurry." S-"Have to go the third, he calls the roll on the dot. I have to start early and go slow, it takes all my wind to climb the steps." H-"Too many cigarettes-but then it isn't good form to admit that." S-"Only to one's dearest friends." H-"Not to me, then?" S-"Hardly yet." H-"I am not one of your dearest friends?" S-"Are you?" H-"I would like to be." S-"It is up to you." H-"I'll show you. Lend me your ears-" S-"Oh! But I can't, you know it isn't even proper to let you see them. I haven't known you long enough." H-"Cease your innocuous vacuity (a la George C.) and list to me. Have you got a date for the football game?" S-"No, but I'd love to go." H-"That would scarcely be in order at a foot- ball game but maybe we could arrange an evening date." S-"What do you- Oh! I think you're per- fectly horrid." H-(passing over the last remark) "No better time for that than Sunday night. How about then ?" S-"I'd just love-I mean I'd be ticked to death." H-"You're determined that I be forewarned just what kind of a date we're going to have, aren't you ?" S-"You're not-a-tall nice and I'll never speak to you again." H-"Why did you speak to me this time, I've never met you." S-"Why I have, too." H-"Where?" S-"At open house." H-"I never patronized one in my life. Be- sides, I was out of town when they had open house." S-"I know I met you because I don't speak to men I haven't met." H-"Be a sport and admit I'm right-think of the compliment to me." S-"I'll admit it for fun so you can bask in the radiance of your grand compliment to me." H-"Don't think much of yourself, do you?" S-"Well, I don't think a lot of you. There he goes, if he gets in and closes the door I'm out of luck. What time did you say you were coming over ?" H-"I didn't say-Good bye." She-(To her silly self as she scuttles to her class) "I wonder how I made him mad." What's In A Name? O'Brien, (making informal introduction) : Smith, I want you to meet a very close friend of mine. Mr. Smith, this is Mr. Cohen.-P. S. L. The Turkey-"Never felt better in my life, but I somehow feel there's not much to this survival of the fittest stuff." THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 23 JOHN L. PLATT Electric Shop Successor to Chas. W. Furtney Electric Contractor and Dealer 19 So. 9th. Phone 829 D. T.-"Can you help me find the mate to this sock ?" T. B.-"No use hunting. This is not the mat- ing season." -Awgwan. Dick: "What do you think of the "Elevator Dance?" Tom: "What is it?" Dick: "Over in the corner and no steps." -Awgwan. All the OLD and NEW Students Play at BOOCHES Where the Pan-Hellenic Games are played. Prices on STETSON HATS for FALL averaging 25% lower than last year It's a natural instinct of well-dressed college men everywhere to go straight to Stetson for a hat that adequately expresses the snap and vigor of student life. Mighty satisfying too, to know how unques- tionably correct is Stetson style. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, PHILADELPHIA Stetson Style Stetson Quality Stetson Money's Worth The same today as for 56 years assured by the Stetson Quality Mark in Every Hat Quality When you think of quality you cannot help thinking of Harris HARRIS' Perfection in Confection Millard & Sisson 24 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Did you ever see a piano get up and walk? Mary Allen, Frank Houston, Ed Frei- vogel and Dick Sinz can make a baby grand do the double shuffle. We furnish music for the SHOWME serenades QUADRANGLE ORCHESTRA ARCH RODGERS ED FREIVOGEL Phone 402 Black Phone 231 A Romance in Correspondence. Sir: Dear Sir: My Dear Sir: Dear Edward: My Dearest Edward: My Little Lump of Sugar: My Dear, Dear Edward: Dear Mr. Edward: Dear Sir: Sir: -Tar Baby. He: "I think that Jack is a good talker." She, reminescently: "Yes, he knows how to hold his audience." -Awgwan. 25c Any Place in City 25c A A N N 481 T T I TAXI I M M E E 25c Any Place in City 25c Money will buy a dog, But only love will make him Wag his tail. -Indian Epigram Money will also buy other suits, But only Society, Langham or Stein-Bloch suits make their Owners happy. -Barth's Experience Relatively Speaking. He-"What color is your body?" She-"Mine is pink." He-"Mine is dark brown. I have just had wire wheels." -Voo Doo. Boob: "Hello Simp. How's the world been treating you?" Simp: "Very Seldom." -Awgwan. VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP (Opposite Hall Theatre) HARLAN C. PRATHER, Prop. Haircut, 35c - - - - - - Shave, 15c Virginia Building South Ninth Street THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 25 You, Too, may have that Appearance That comes only from correct, expert grooming. Parsons Sisters "$200,000 asked in Liquor Fight.-Headline. Someone must be thinking of buying a quart. -Exchange. Editor-"We can't accept this poem. It isn't verse at all; merely an escape of gas." Aspiring Poet-"Ah! I see; something wrong with the meter." -The Medley. She: "The only men I kiss are my brothers." He: "What lodge do you belong to?" -Awgwan. Kodak Finishing You'll know the difference if you try us once. Our finishing is combined with clearness and sharpness of detail. Once will be enough to convince you Joe Janousek Art Shop Virginia Building You Wont Be Homesick When You Hear - - "ALL ABOARD" The only musical revue to be given in Columbia this fall CAST OF 150 CHORUS OF100 Columbia Theatre NOVEMBER 9TH AND 10TH Make Your Date Now 26 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER The Dainty Touches In Underwear It is those dainty little touches of the designer's art that endears beautiful underwear to the hearts of womankind. That is why Carters' knit underwear is so attrac- tive to women of taste and refinement. The per- fect lines, the lovely patterns, and the nicety with which every detail is finished naturally appeal to their sense of the beautiful. You will find it a pleasure to look over our stock of this fine underwear. Fredendalls Phone 85 716-718 Broadway Announcement Palms Fresh Oysters Our Specialty Bluepoints on half shell Fried or Stewed Under New Management YOUR FAVORITE CIGAR MAGAZINE TOOTHPASTE Kodak Developing too Anything a drugstore should have You'll Find At The Virginia Pharmacy 109 S. 9th "We Try To Please" Phone 724 Her Father: "My daughter, Sir, sprang from a line of Peers. The Lover: "Well, I jumped off a dock once myself. -Tar Baby. Cutie: "I am afraid I flunked that makeup exam today." Cattie: "Yes, dearie; your face shows it." -Tar Baby. Let Us "Show You" Our stocks have been selected with special attention to you and your wants-your buy- ing interests. The prices are fair, the values unequalled We make a specialty of Sorority and Fra- ternity Jewelry, stationery and emblem goods. T. L. Floyd, Jeweler 706 Broadway Columbia, Mo. Phone 931 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 27 ONLY ONE KIND of cleaning and pressing ser- vice at HARRELLS' The Prompt Painstaking Kind Harrells' Phone 381 13 S. 9th Little beams of moonlight, Little hugs and kisses, Make the little maiden Change her name to Mrs. -Tar Baby. Rastus-"What fo' you-all got yo' pants on wrong side out niggah?" Sambo-"Cause Ah's goin' to de ball tonight and Ah wants to git de bag outer de knees."- -Orange Peel. "Say It With Flowers" Columbia Floral Co. 7th and Broadway Ancient and Recent Missouri Grads Back for Homecoming Replace That Column Pin You Lost! The Missouri Store Unexcelled Fountain Service Pennant Sandwiches and Light lunches SAM MYERSON 12 S. Ninth 28 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER After the Show or For Breakfast, Dinner or Supper - - - - Try Jimmie's Good food, candy, ice cream, popcorn and peanuts COLLEGE INN 916 Broadway Sorry!! This space was supposed to be filled with spiffy chatter from the Dorn-Cloney ad writ- er. He was so busy singing "Laundry Visitors Week" he lost his voice but when we told him we had a new gag for the Showme that Cap'n Billy had O. K'd., but we doubted whether to use it, he roused himself (we quote ver batim) and shouted: "Send it to the laundry! The number is 116" "Where Satisfaction is the Washword" GEER Y The Ninth Street Jeweler Hot passionate words fell from his lips. She colored deeply. He was hunting his collar button. She was trying to make up for an afternoon tea. -Tar Baby. The Bagpipe is a practical joke which the Irish put over on the Scotch and the Scotch haven't found it out yet. -Virginia Reel. For Dress Distinction Wolff-Berger Company 818 Broadway Also Dry Goods and Millinery THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 29 FOR THAT PICNIC Hetzler Brothers Columbia Missouri Trade Mark Old Log Cabin Hams , White Clover Lard, Honeysuckel, Breakfast Bacon, Old Boone County Farm Sausage. Salads Cold Meats Potato Chips, Boone County Farm Sausage Variety of Cooked Sausage The Bugamist. A June bug married an angleworm; An accident cut her in two. They charged the bug with bigamy; Now what could the poor thing do? -Punch Bowl. "Have you done your outside reading?" "No, it's too cold." -Tar Baby. To Look Your Best Pay Us a Visit MacGregor Beauty Parlor Shampooing Massaging Manicuring Hair Dressing Phone 535 12 N. Ninth 13 Phone 13 AS GOOD AS A VALET At Much Less Cost Jack Daily's Service 13 Phone 13 WITH that nifty new uniform wear a pair of regulation marching shoes a splendid dark tan shoe on army last. at BRASELTON'S for $4.85 30 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Overcoats By Hart Schaffner & Marx and Gordon are here galore Sand B Clo. Co. Sykes E-Broadhead A clean, gentlemanly game, in pleas- ant, sociable surroundings, with people you know and like. If these things ap- peal to you, drop down to the Tavern Billiard Academy and let's get acquainted JOE AKERS A Brick Yes, a Gold Brick, a brick of Frozen Gold Ice Cream Always Appropriate Made only by the White Eagle Dairy Co. And old farmer from Ala. Hit his wife on the head with a ha. When they question him why He replied with a sy- "She drank all my licker up! Da!" -Virginia Reel. "That was a good retort," said the chemist as he picked his thumb and forefinger out of the op- posite corner. -Froth. Let Your Stationery express your Individuality. You'll Find Your Kind at Scott's Book Store THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER 31 You'll Find A certain Charm and Individuality Not obtainable in ordinary hats at BOB'S HAT SHOP 11 N. 10th St. Right Again! Professor-"Give a famous saying that a well- known general said on his retreat from the battle- field." Sofa Serpent-"You chase me now." -Tar Baby. "Wouldn't she Rockefeller?" "I never Astor." -Awgwan. Skillful Craftsmanship and Good Taste Parsons Studio Our Creed:--- We believe in giving /the highest possible Quality, the Quickest possible service, the customer his money's worth to the limit. J. Guy McQuitty "Quick Printer" 911-A Broadway Phone 930 Black Whittle Building KEEN MUSIC with A KICK The Success of your party depends on the music Moonlight Orchestra Bill Fox, Mgr. Phone 472 32 THE SHOWME for NOVEMBER Apples--Apples When you want a Box of Fancy Apples think of Nowell's (We buy in car lots) 9th & Walnut Phone 74 HALL THEATRE America's Greatest Stars in The World's Best Pictures 8-Piece Orchestra-8 Cool Weather Pool Time Recreation Parlor The place to meet the gang T. U. Waiter: "Tea or coffee?" Waitee: "Don't tell me; let me guess." -Tiger. Chem.-"What's all the riot in the Anatomy Building?" C. E.-"Oh, just the medical students rolling the bones." -Pelican. Shipping Crating Rummans Transfer Company Phone 470 Baggage a Specialty Prompt Service Storage Moving Lets Go! Tigers Get Hard! Take Oklahoma for a row. Give the Pikers the K. O. Pluck the Jayhawker. Sling some copy for the next Showme Grapple at the Razzers Assembly Dance. Have a thousand hard Tigers at K. U. Hit the Razzers Deluxe Special for Lawrence. For one buck and two bits you get the Showme from now on The SHOWME BACKS THE TIGERS HIS FIRST DRESS SHIRT-NATURALLY AN ARROW-DONCHESTER CLUETT, PEABODY & CO., INC., TROY, N. Y.