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Showme December, 1921; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1921

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SHOWME December Vol. II No. IV. University of Missouri Price 35 WILEY-PADAN Tweedie Boot-Tops YOU BUY TWEEDIES for alppearance and they pay you back in comfort-ankle freedom-warnith anld absolute fit. None of the careless fitting faults of "just spats." The perfect fit with the slender ankle effect-the way they hug the instep-cling at the heel, permitting no wrinkles at the back and the al)sence of unsightly buckles are all orig- inal TWEEDIE features. TWEEDIE Toppers are made for men. There is the ankle freedom and comfort of summer oxfords and warmer than the winter shoe. FITTED WHERE GOOD SHOES ARE SOLD IN COLUMBIA TWEEDIE BOOT-TOP CO.-St. Louis, Mo. None genuine without this label Everybody Wants a private stock of good sweets over the holidays. Everybody's taste can be suited in the variety of Whitman packages of chocolates and confections. Place your order with the near-by Whitman agency and double the value of your gift by select- ing an appropriate package. THE SAMPLER-chocolates and confections selected from ten leading Whitman's packages. The box is as quaint as the sweets are good. A FUSSY PACKAGE-nut and hard center chocolates, beautifully boxed. SUPER EXTRA chocolates and confections-the quality which first made Whitman's famous. NUTS, CHOCOLATE COVERED-a rich, delicious assortment that enjoys wide popularity, PLEASURE ISLAND chocolates in a pirate's chest that recalls the ro- mance of R. L. S. SALMAGUNDI PACKAGE-super-extra chocolates. Metal box lac- quered in exquisite mosaic. A gift that is sure to charm. LIBRARY PACKAGE-Shaped like a book. A new assortment of chocolates. Hand painted round boxes and fancy bags, boxes and cases in great variety STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia,U.S.A. Sole makers of Whitman's Instantaneous Chocolate,Cocoa and Marshmallow Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by Peck Drug and News Co. Ask for special Missouri package with ribbon and seal 2 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER American Color Engraving Co. Artists Designers Engravers All Processes and Purposes Offset And Photo-Litho Specialists INCORPORATED 1885 THE MORE PARTICULAR ARTISTS, ILLUSTRATORS, ENGRAVERS for HIGH SCHOOLS COLLEGES UNIV ERSITIES Accentuated Harold-That soprano had a large repertoire. Maggie-Ain't it the truth now, and since you speak of it, her dress only made it look worse.- Purple Cow. Some men give ladies their seats in street cars. Other men are married.-Malteaser. The Finest Coffee on Earth NOWELL'S Phont 74 9th & Walnut PRODUCERS OF PLATES IN ONE OR MULTICOLORS 914 PINE STREET ST. LOUIS, MO. You can Dance Anytime With a VICTROLA Taylor Music Company THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 3 NATURAL BEAUTY is all right but most people Want to enhance theirs a little. That's OUR business. PARSON SISTERS A Big Job. Fond Parent-What is worrying you, my son? Willie-I was just wondering how many legs you gotta pull off a centipede to make him limp.- Sun Dodger. Sign in down-town store- LADIES SPORT HOSE. To which we might add, "Darn right they do." -Octopus For the Holiday Season Order one of our rich Fruit Cakes. Take one home or have us send it. ORDER EARLY Why not have us send a box of our as- sorted cookies home for Xmas. STRENG'S Hot Drinks and Cold That "Tavern Taste." Distinguishes THEM FROM ALL OTHERS Tavern Drug Store The Home of Quality CHRISTMAS GIFTS IN THE ELECTRICAL LINE ARE ALWAYS WELL RECEIVED You'll have the largest selection here John L. Platt Electrical Co. 19 South 9th 4 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER Christmas = = and Good Printing The connection between the happy Yuletide and the printing art is clearly established in Christmas cards of the better sort. First of all, do your well-wishing in appropriate terms; then live up to the earnestness be- hind the sentiment by having it artistically printed. In other words-have us print it. It's best to place your order now. J. GUY McQUITTY "Quick Printer" Phone 930-Black Gifts for Xmas Think of HENNINGERS' 813 Broadway THE SHOWME December, 1921 The Showme is published monthly from September till March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 506 Guitar Build- ing, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, No- vember 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Columbia, Mo., un- der the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription price $1.75 a year or thirty-five cents a copy when purchased from newsstands. He-Her brow is lily-white. She-Yes, ivory should be white.-Awgwan. Merry Xmas Boys and Girls It's time to be buying Levy's Merry Xmas slippers. Make every one you know happy with a pair of slippers from LEVY'S "QUALITY FOOTWEAR" THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 5 Christmas Number THE SHOWME for DECEMBER "The Wasted Generation." THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 7 Ye Merry Yuletide Be Yee Merrie! Yee merrie men of long ago were wont yee parties big to throw, with roasted pig and sparkling ale, with goodly beer made much Wassail, and filling up yee Baron's hall did have yee flowing Christmas ball. The Butler brought bowls of the best, and yec merrie laddies did the rest. Since, Christmas times and tides, have changed, but other things have been arranged to make the Yuletide gay and free, to pass away so merrily. Eftsoons, the merry Christmas dance, where all join hands and gayly prance, and sing a Yuletide song or so and get home when the roosters crow. Good hunting offers much delight, as chasing possums half the night, or, if this brings but meager luck, pursue the merry flutter duck. The program for the afternoon oft' times includes a wicked spoon when stirring times are had by those who proudly claim a tea stained nose. Kris Kringle comes but once a year, so make yee merrie while he's here! All Tiger Town will cease a while an education to beguile, forgetting chili mack and cokes we'll take a few meals with the folks. We'll tell them, how, at Old Mizzou, we plan a thing and see it through, and how that Tiger loves to roar, and let's see, now what was that score? We'll make 'em glad they sent us here, Oh, Boy, AIN'T WE GOT CHRISTMAS CHEER? THE SHOWME for DECEMBER The Co-ed's Christmas Dream THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 9 HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? Ruthless Rutherford is a Type. He doesn't look any More like the "Handsome Fellows at College" ads than the Ads do Themselves. Rutherford knows this and Counts it as a Special gift to set him Apart from his less lucky Companions. Also Rutherford has been Around. He knows New York like a Book, having got Most of his knowl- edge of It from between the Covers of the Same. No t that He hasn't visited the Well Known metropolis. Oh no, He has been there several Times. He speaks off hand of Nights spent at the Palais Royal and the Red Room of the Plaza. Furthermore he slings a Wicked line About the folks in Greenwich Village. He's been there, Too. He knows all about the Great big City. What he doesn't know is that The places he so Proudly mentions as his Gothamic playgrounds are also the Fond Memory of every Other Rube who has been on the Island. With the Other small Towners he rubbed Shoulders with Fellow Rubes and Thought he was in the Center of Wild Life. He even Swiped a spoon from the Ziegfield Roof and drags it Out on special occasions when someone Tries to Talk about anything But what Rutherford has Done. Along with His metropolitan Experience Rutherford has acquired a Polish. It consists in Project- ing his Lower Lip down to Form a Pout when he isn't the Center of Attention and the cultivation of a Beautifully Bored expression. He is a Languid sort of a duck and Has an Idea that he has the Women on His Hip. He does have a Few. He doesn't care for the General Run of things a-id Is cut out For a little better stuff than the Best, he says. When he goes Any place he is No more Conspicuous than is Absolutely Necessary. This means that he Has most of the people looking at him All of the Time. This Bores him a Lot but he would al- most be Willing to remove a necessary Garment or Two if interest Began to lag. Rutherford has Been exposed to Fond parents who have Successfully Spoiled him. When he isn't Charming some Woman with a Blase flow of conversation he is Camped before a Mirror getting Set for the next Session. His clothes are the Delight of all, especially the Tailors. He spends a Wad of money to look Like he thinks one in His position should and almost succeeds in getting a job as End Man. His manners are straight from the Pages of Vanity Fair along with His socks. He knows just what to say at the proper Time but Can rarely think Of it. Rutherford is a Lovely boy and spends much Time complaining that this Is no place for One of his Merit. He has Sung the Song for a Considerable period of Time and has about convinced most of those Who know him that It would have been All right if he Had left some time ago. Rutherford continues to believe He is the Real Article. He eases Around and lets People look at Him as much as they Please and hardly ever gets Grouchy with them For admiring his pretty ways. He'd like to See everyone as Nice as he is, Rutherford would. He's not selfish a Bit. Oh, jres, Rutherford is among Us. He is Here on every hand. He'll go through the University Pat- ting himself on the Back for Uplifting the Community. Fact of the Matter is nobody Likes him. The men express their Opinions in private and the Girls think he's a Silly Ass. Rutherford doesn't know this. Moral: Think before YOU laugh. 10 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER SHOWME Published by Students of the University of Missouri THE SHOWME, Room 506, Guitar Building Vol. II, No. 4 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year Exclusive rights for the use of any of the text in this publication for Motion Picture reproduction is reserved for the Intercollegiate Film Com- pany (or an assignee). THE STAFF ARCH RODGERS ....................-...........Managing Editor. LYLE W ILSON .......................................Literary Editor. GERALD F. PERRY .......................................Art Editor. F. P. GASS ..--........-..--- ....--- ...-- ........... Literary Editor. FRANK HOUSTON ........................................Art Editor. ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT Ernest D. Garth, Mgr. Alfred Egan J. W. Brown, Jr. James Boyle BUSINESS DEPARTMENT WILLIAM TWEEDIE, Mgr. ASSISTANTS Fritz Schroeder William Armstrong Paul Miller W. McAfee CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT Francis Misselwitz, Mgr. L. C. Kassebaum Franz Arzt Paul Diggle ASSOCIATES Edwin N. Jacquin J. Q. Adams Isabel Forte Ernestine Parks J. B. Berger Wiley Padan Marguerite Barnett Ralph Fowler Robert W. Seaman C. M. Barnes D. K. Musler James Patton A. T. Arn Waverly Hays P. S. Limerick L. F. P. McDonald Freeman 0. Johnson D. Keens To the Missouri Tiger, we wish the happiest of holidays! We believe this to be one of the most success- ful semesters that the sons of Old Mizzou have completed for some time. A fighting Tiger spirit that brought glory on the football field, a homecoming that will stand for years as an inspiration to future homecoming com- mittees, and a body of loyal undergraduates who have upheld Tiger Traditions and refrained from practices that might bring discredit upon the school, all have made the present fall term one long to be remembered. The Missouri Tiger deserves a holiday; may every Christmas joy be, yours! THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 11 "THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED-" WHEREAS, the Showme doth continue to struggle merrily along, and WHEREAS, there are among us many who do read the same and register appreciation, and WHEREAS, being possibly shy of business one evening, now comes one Student Council, and doth issue the following resolution, to wit: "WHEREAS the 'Showme,' a magazine published by students in the University of Missouri, does receive the unanimous vote of approval of this, the Student Council, sitting in executive session, this twen- ty-ninth day of November, nineteen hundred and twenty-one, therefore "BE IT RESOLVED that the Student Council go on record as recognizing the 'Showme' as a publi- cation of the University of Missouri which merits the co-operation of the student body and faculty. (Signed) THE STUDENT COUNCIL for 1921-22. By J. Max McCann, President of the student body, and J. B. Coppedge, Secretary of the student body." This calls for many more editorial cheers than a page can usually hold. A publication which merits the co-operation of the student body and faculty has always been the aim of the Showme and whether or not we have merited such co-operation, we have not at all times received it. Our list of contributors and assistants, however, is now growing with every number, and the interest taken in what goes on around 506 Guitar Building is steadily increasing. Several members of the present staff will not be in school next -/ear, and undergraduates must get enough practical experience this year at the different phases of pub- lishing a magazine to take their places. If everyone in school will express his recognition of the Showme as worthy of his co-operation, and then give us some of said co-operation in the best manner that he can, the Showme will continue to live and prosper. Student Council, we thank you, and hope that the student body will follow your lead. SHOWME'S DOPE ON ELECTIONS On December 6 will occur the annual class elections. It is the hope of all persons with the interests of the University at heart that this year's polling will be of greater significance than formerly. In past elections of this kind the goal has been a mere personal or organization triumph. A class presidency has been rated as good advertising for the person achieving it, nothing more. With the initial impetus of the Missouri Memorial Union Building campaign still making thihgs hum and the work of R. L. Hill, alumni recorder, just reaching a point where ultimate results may be fore- cast, it is possible that election to class office may open a field of useful endeavor to the successful candi- dates. By placing the proper man in charge of the senior class the class of '22 will boast in later years of being the first to leave the shadows of the columns organized and capable of collectively achieving some- thing for the University of Missouri. We have never known a class reunion at Missouri. Those affairs, about which are twined much of the glory and tradition of the great universities of the East, are a closed book to us. The pleasure of renewing old acquaintanceships, after an interval, of years has sharpened the appetite for a round of rem- inisence, has been denied us, except in the sketchy manner provid-ed for by the Thanksgiving gridiron battles with Kansas. We have gone through the University without organizing and have lost much that should at- tach to the later life of a University bred man or woman. The benefits to the University by exchanging the present amorphous alumni for a cohesive body with a central organization capable of putting the strength of the graduates to some use are incalcuable. The Memorial campaign proved that fact conclusively. Immediately following the December 6 elections should come a real organization of every class. The men selected for office must b of the highest caliber, capable of swinging by their own enthusiasm the bulk of class membership which will inevitably balk at any effort whatsoever with the stolid indiffer- ence that is always encountered by new ideas and endeavors. The possibilities of the plan are limitless and the issue lies squarely before us all. 12 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER Your lips- Draw pictures for me dear Fine stencils Of life and love And Moonlight. Down and Out! If I should hang my stocking up, upon this Christ- mas.Eve I shouldn't get from Santa Claus the things he meant to leave Because,-believe me when I tell my painful tale of woe The only pair of sox I have are worn out at the toe. A Wailing Rumor Santa Claus is warmly clothed He's furred from toe to head But Santa Claus would freeze to death If he slept in my bed. Your lips- Draw pictures for me dear Sweet pictures Of untold blisses Draw a little closer- Won't you dear? Why Boys Leave Home. I know the ways of integral and differential calc. I know the formula for pi and rank old Mavis talc. I know the length of Brooklyn Bridge, the depth of Zuyder Zee: But I don't know why she shuts her eyes each time she kisses me. The Parting I have to give up Mary I must kiss Jane goodbye I must split up with Helen I have to pass her by For candy is expensive And the Christmas days are nigh! THE SHOW ADVE S. Lord Whifempoof threw out the life line a making it fast to a gentle zephyr, descended oi three roller skates. "I usually come down in my breeches buoy," he remarked to the three musket- eers. "Where did you get those breeches, boy?" queried Gumshoe Gus in amazement. "Keep still," roared Ambrose, "His Lordship was not addressing you. But tell me," he continued to Lord Whifempoof, "how do you like that moun- tain ?" "It's a nice mountain," interrupted Horatio, "but I'm afraid it won't dew." "Sh! !" cautioned Lord Whifempoof, "Bosco's back porch is stirring! We must be careful not to disturb it. Please throttle down your conversa- tions !" "A thousand pardons," murmured Horatio, "I assure you that we did not realize that it was a sleeping porch!" And they stepped across the horizon. VOLUME VIII "Why are you so mournful?" asked Ambrose as Gus sent a column of sobs across the nearest glacier. "I was reared in a pine tree," moaned Gus. "Perhaps that accounts for the knots in your limbs," ventured aegtio, drawing a conclusion on the canopy of heaven. "It is not!" bawled Gus, shedding crocodile tears into his alligator traveling bag. "Besides, my watch has stopped." "Perhaps it was a stop watch," reverberated Horatio. "Be quiet," screamed Ambrose at the top of "Ti. at large. ,e, onward to tne 1x, And they floated c : on , tlying wedge. VOLUME IX "The Princess," remarked Shadey Sadie, "is still at large." "How large is the still?" asked Gumshoe Gus, spanking his chops. "Silence!" roared Ambrose. "Sadie, I can tell by the inflection of your ears that you are possessed of a secret. Come, you must tell us where the Prin- cess is imprisoned." "Hist!" cried Gus, "I hear something approach- ing!" "It is probably the millennium," yawned Hora- tio. "I will tell you my secret," sobbed Sadie. "The Princess has been sent to Siberia for a rest. She blew a fuse in the Circuit Court!" Sadie seated herself on a toad stool. "But the Princess is angry at me," she continued. "I lost the silver cuspidor that belonged to her spit curls." Sadie's tears had now melted the glacier, and the adventurers found themselves standing on a street car track. "There has been a nervous wreck on this line," announced Horatio. "Several of the ties have come untied." And they waved to a passing group of thunder. (To be continued) DECEMBER I know a dame or sprulging Whose hands and face are always clean, So very clean they almost shine; But oh, she has a dirty "line." Her form, so frail from tip to top, Could scarce negotiate a mop; She looks too weak to move her lips, But she shakes energetic hips. When she walks down the street, the gawks All rubber at this paradox; Some people do not think she's nice- Well, maybe not-but she'll suffice. Foiled Again 'e, I could sing verses to - beauty,-yes, I think I could. .sibilities for you Are really good. e is all a poet could ask, iair is worth a page of tosh, -r eyes would be no task, ,nd lips,-My gosh! ways you are a joy,- 1 know who Wells and Einstein are; ion't confuse the hoi-polloi With caviar. four grapefruit spurts not in my face, You know the proper fork to use. In fact, you possess every grace That I would choose. I could indeed sing songs about Such charms, inspiring praise, And versify, without a doubt, In lofty phrase. I say, I Could write all this stuff If such a thing had been my wont, And if I liked you well enough,- But then I don't. -F. P. G. A Gay Life. Alice: "Can a girl live on love?" Virginia: "Yes-if she stays single !" See level. THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 15 The Insidiosity of the Cigarette. Insidiously the cigarette habit is fastening it- self upon our college men. For sheer insidious- ness, there are few things comparable to the to- bacco habit. The actions of the victims of this curse are sometimes astounding. (I use the word "astound- ing" at this point, not because I know what it means, but because a girl called me that and I de- sire to make use of the only thing I managed to get out of her.) One afternoon this past week, a young victim, in a fit of absentmindedness, entered my luxurious suite of rooms and put on my thirty-five dollar sheepskin. With a desire to be consistent, he thrust into a pocket eighteen dollars of my father's hard- earned cash. (I use the phrase "hard-earned-cash" with the consent of the proprietors.) He failed, however, to take my dice, which were under the typewriter, and a maroon-colored sock which re- posed in a top bureau drawer. I am sure that he was a cigarette smoker, because when I entered the room there was a smell of smoke and an air of studied melancholy about. I know of few things better calculated to create an air of studied melan- choly in a student's room than a raid the day before the rent comes due. Most of the young men hereabouts, unable to see into the future more than the proverbial six feet, are spending their time and money at vile places of amusement about Columbia. A great many of them seem to cherish the ambition to grow up and fill cake-eater's graves. It is none of my business but I want to advise them to change their ways. If a cake-eater cannot fill his own grave, let it remain empty. Going about filling stray graves is no proper business for a young man with a future and about six bits. In conclusion I wish to say that if the young man who called at my place while I was away last week, will return and properly identify himself, I will lead him gently into my back room and let him step off the best table in the house, first firmly tie- ing his black knit to our elegant brass chandelier. P. S.-Did you see that genial co-ed trying to scratch a match on the sole of her tennis shoe? Oh gee! oh gosh! oh golly! -Pop A. Cowe. Where Was the Fire? Sign in Dorm: FOUND-Hose on stairs. THE INCENSE SPOT Here is the incense, sample it well Please don't say that it smells like the dickens We hope you'll like it tho maybe you'll not This first little whiff from the incense spot. .c * * * I see thru you now Georgette. * * * * I love Mary, she loves me Gosh how lovely she can be Some folks say her smile's a fraud But Mary's lovely. Oh my-goodness! If wishes was water, I was a lake. Burrough's dice, add up my profits. If I were you and you were me, what a silly fool I'd be. The Passing of Arthur "Seven!" "Seven!" "Eleven!" "Eleven!" "Bang!" Arthur passes. Add This to Your Thesaurus. Rub: "What is the best word you can give, descriptive of violent action?" Dub: "Home-brew!" Noah to the Disarma- ment Conference I find that sailing's all the bunk And so present to you this junk; I cannot find a place to park, So you had better scrap my ark. MAUI May The Befo You THE TAMED SHREW TO TEA HOUNDS Before my husband grew so un a splendid bluff. me with this little try it on your dar- lub? Christmas Greet Chaucer To Capt. Billy I gyve the onlye thynge I've got, Gadzooks, your scryblyngs are redde hot! But on your puissant jokees, I hopee, Eftsoons, you'll use this barre of soap. ULLER TO THE FLUNK- ERS esent, this Christmas day, with which I chased the hay? rour splendid grades reach :rake some excuses into your JAMES WATT TO THE WABASH I give to you my pride and joy, I made this engine while a boy. Now, if the boiler does not leak, You can reach Centralia in a week. 18 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER "Save the surface and you save all." THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 19 A Bachelor of Arts My Rooming House. When the books that I feared had long since dis- appeared I found in your room one day; When you made my Big Ben to ring half after ten, (You knew I was due at an eight o'clock then,) Yet never a word did I say. Though my bosom has swelled with the rage you compelled Yet never a word did I say. When you came in and sat on my Sunday straw hat In a manner peculiarly gay; And when on the sly you slipped soap in my pie, (I thought when I bought there was fun in yout eye,) Yet never a word did I say. And the soap, what is more, had been mine weeks before Yet never a word did I say. There's a limit, you know, to which patience may go,- I no longer my wrath can allay. When my toothbrush you use to polish your shoes, (In fact, it's an act I can never excuse,) I don't care what words I may say. And then in my rush, I used that darn brush,- There's nothing too strong I can say. -F. P. -G 20 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER "Pop, what did you study at college?" "Eugenics, son." HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS One of life's greatest moments is the thrill of being the surprises of a surprise party. When the surprisors descend upon you with an informal greeting and a dime's worth of cheese and crackers, perhaps some of the following simple recipes may be found helpful: Crocheted croquettes: Take a crochet needle and a croquet ball, and mix thoroughly. If the re- sult fails to resemble a croquette, add a few grated cheese. The cheese will usually grate upon the nerves of the croquet ball, and the consequences are often thrilling. After the crochet needle has ceased to scream, take this dish outside, one at a time, and roll gently down a slight incline. When the cro- quettes have rounded into shape, serve with a ven- geance. Alabaster Ice: Run a quart of milk through a sausage grinder, under the table, outdoors, and over the vicinity. It is sometimes necessary to run the milk for hours before it weakens. When it be- gins to effervesce, -wrap it gently into the outside of a hot tamale, and carry it home under the left arm. Place in an ice cream freezer, and apply heat. When mixed with a quart of library paste and served under an umbrella, it lends the effect of a stereoptican serenade. Exceedingly excellent for roller skating meets. Pomeranian Punch: To one small piece of ice add once again as much buttermilk and two col- umns of cranberries. Place in a pop .corn popper and distill over a curling iron. When run through a strainer and a telephone booth the resulting liq- uid will often arise and shout, "Number, please." This is sure to amuse the guests. It may also be used for drinking purposes, when placed in a flower pot and disguised as a thirsting rubber plant. Arid guests often respond to this decoy. If this fails to amuse the party, try chopping down the Victrola. Aquatic? She-Why do you call your freshmen "can- oes"? He-Because we paddle 'em. Willie's conception of the bird of Paradise. THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 21 Wonders ihat the Prof.uncomfortably Only thing he know lesson'a about near his name. is danSercd Gets nervous Pretends interest Throws a fetble bluff fifteen go Resions himself to fate- Dismissed 5min. -at least she's worth it* -early. An hour in class with any man who's been out the night before. Song of Many Thousands Others may sing of the maidens they see, Others may rant of their charms,-not for me; My love is a goddess, immortal is she, And poets and sages Have worshipped for ages And incense have burned at her shrine. Many the creatures That worship her features,- Oh, the Lady that Lives on the Dollar for mine! Princes and merchants and men of renown, Men of the country and men of the town, The wise, the witty, the wealthy on down, Before her prostrated, Have patiently waited From her, any favoring sign. And so with the best of 'em, Along with the rest of 'em, The Lady that Lives on the Dollar for mine! -F. P. G. 22 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER "Waiter, this soup is spoiled." "Is that so? Who told you?" "A little swallow." What's Her Phone Number? Windy-I hear Gladys is putting on speed. Corner-Yeah, since she took up long dis- tance running she'll go to any length. Joke? A little Scotch-Hoot, mon! Did ye hear what a terrible soldier th' young lordship is? Second shot-Na, an' how is that? A little Scotch-Isn't he forever a-telling about the bood wars he war in? "That fog," remarked Zeus to Appollo, "is cer- tainly insignificant. When it fell from the cloud over there it wasn't even mist." MY OLD-FASHIONED GIRL I went to Kansas City for the holidays, spent lots of things besides Christmas there, drank a fair percentage of real water, and was seen with at least two girls who had mammas. But along about New Year's I had had all the fun there was, and decided to turn over a new leaf. It was in the conservatory of the Statlebach that I reached my annual decision to be good. Then I looked up with high resolve in my eyes, and saw Her. She was so demure, so reserved, so sweet, that I was enchanted. Her evening-gown came almost to her ankles; only a tiny portion of her back and shoulders were exposed, showing her wonderful skin; her hair was not bobbed, and her ears were not wholly hidden; and, wonder of wonders, her cheeks were not roug- ed! I sighed in admiration. Here was one girl, at least, that was untouched by this age of reckless, soulless living. A real old-fashioned girl--so mod- est and unassuming-and above all, such a sensi- ble dresser-! I, who was fed up on the fickle flappers, vowed that I would meet this girl, and some day marry her. As I was thus lost in admiration, a young man appeared in the doorway. He was dressed in the motley of a medieval jester. "Why, sweet patootie," cooed my Ideal with a well-staged pout, "where ya been? We'll be late as hell!" And they went in to the masquerade hall. SHOWME wifhes everyone a Merry Christmas THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 23 "Say It With Flowers" Columbia Floral Co. 7th and Broadway Put Up Your Weapons, Men! First Simple Nimrod-Hey, don't shoot. Your gun isn't loaded. His Partner-Can't help that, the bird won't wait.-Voo Doo. "Why do they say that the instructors get a 'sanitary salary?' "Because no microbe could live on the money they get."-Gargoyle. Prices on STETSON HATS for FALL averaging 25% lower than last year Stetson has always taken particular pride in college men's un- failing approval of Stetson style. A critical clientele, and one whose influence makes itself felt far beyond the campus. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, PHILADELPHIA Stetson Style Stetson Quality Stetson Money's Worth The same today as for 56 years assured by the Stetson Quality Mark in Every Hat If Santa Claus Could Take a Pool Table Down a Chimney He would give you one for Christmas, but the best he can do is recommend The RECREATION PARLOR 24 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER DO YOU WANT SOME MONEY FOR CHRISTMAS Join our Christmas Saving Club and you will have it next year. Start with 5c Now and You'll have $63.75 Next Xmas Exchange National Bank Ic to $10 Will start you Drop in. Let us tell you about it. Kodak Finishing You'll know the difference if you try us once. Our finishing is combined with clearness and sharpness of detail. Once will be enough to convince you Joe Janousek Art Shop Virginia Building Wonderful Effects. Scientists say that sleeping outdoors makes one beautiful. At last! Now we know how to account for the hobo's charming appearance.-Sun Dial. Tom-Fellows, who do you think is doing the most for the morals of the American youth? Dick-The editor of La Vie Parisienne. He's still having the magazine printed in French.-Gar- goyle. Columbia Printing Company Better Printing at Reasonable Prices. Programs, Invitations, Sta- tionery Guitar Bldg. Phone 431 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 25 The Drug Shop Has the Xmas for you and yours. Come and see W. C. KNIGHT, Prop. Phone 302 At That Student Boarding House. Landlady-I think you had better board else- where. Student-Yes, I will admit I frequently have. Landlady-Have what? Student-Had better board elsewhere.-Drexerd The Venus of Milo has no arms, but nobody ever notices it.-Humbug. Any Place in City 581 & 4 8 1 481 TAXI Any Place in City Any Time Any Time Let Us "Show You" Our stocks have been selected with special attention to you and your wants-your buy- ing interests. The prices are fair, the values unequalled. We make a specialty of Sorority and Fra- ternity Jewelry, stationery and emblem goods. T. L. Floyd, Jeweler 706 Broadway Columbia, Mo. Phone 931 Quality That's the reason she likes it when you say "after the show we'll go to Harris. " And that's the reason you like it, too. HARRIS' Perfection in Confection MILLARD & SISSON 26 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER Everything worn by the well- dressed man -Except his shoes Exclusive- But never high priced Sand B Clo. Co. Sykes E Broadhead COLUMBIA POPLAR BLUFF BLYTHEVILLE Oh, Man! Guest (Tugging at drawer): "Boy, this drawer is stuck tight. See if you can open it." Bellhop: "Can't you put your bottle under the pillow?" Applied Talent. Reporter: "What has become of that crack proofreader you used to have on the European bat- tle-front stories?" Editor: "I've put him to work on the sym- phony orchestra programs." A Brick Yes, a Gold Brick, a brick of Frozen Gold Ice Cream Always Appropriate Made only by the White Eagle Dairy Co. Mere Practice. Rub: "Jack did the wedding march fine, didn't he?" . Dub: "Yes, and mark my words, he'll do it even better in the future!" So 'Tis! So 'Tis! Watch--What is a boob ? Fob-A boob is a man who kisses a girl fifteen minutes after he meets her and then allows her to persuade him that she has never been kissed be- fore. -Frivol QUICK SERVICE SHORT ORDERS Special 50c Dinner BURNHAM CAFE HOME COOKING Formerly GORDON'S CAFE Kitchen open for inspection THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 27 Storage Moving Rummans Transfer Company Phone 470 Baggage a Specialty Prompt Service Shipping Crating Our Monthly Limber Limerick. A lass once went for a stroll "Tick, Tock" said the clock on the shelf But the ink well went dry And the slippers both slipped Shredded Wheat, Wrigley's Gum, mashed potatoes. -Sun Dial. "Isn't that Du Barry's" shouted Louie XV as Jean took a cigarette case from his pocket. A Rough Initiation, So to Speak. "What was the hardest thing you found in learning to drive your car?" "A stone wall."-Awgwan. Newly Wed (To Preacher)-"Well, Parson, how much do I owe you for the ceremony?" Preacher-"Why, the law allows me a dollar." N. W.-"All right, here's two bits; that'll make you a dollar and a quarter." Cars For Rent With or Without Driver T. Fred Whitesides Livery Taxi 10 N. Seventh St. Telephone 1400 Visit Fredendalls Toy Department 28 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER BRASELTONS' shoes are made Right by expert workman All sizes and widths Selling for less money Every pair guaranteed Let us show you our styles To convince you Our prices are right Now is the time to purchase See oui windows Always the Right Price Drop In And let us show you Our new arrivals in all wool SOCIETY BRAND Clothes $39.50 Victor Barthe Clothing Co The Big Clothiers Everybody's Store We-Hold No Clearance Sales VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP (Opposite Hall Theatre) HARLAN C. PRATHER, Prop. Hair Cut, 35c Shave, 15c Virginia Building South Ninth Street "If I lend you ten dollars, what security will you be able to give me?" "The word of an honest man." "All right, bring him along, and I'll see what I can do for you."-Banter. "My dear Mrs. Smith, I think your daughter recites remarkably well, don't you?" "Yes. All she needs is a short course in elec- trocution, sort of to finish her off, as you might say."-Lampoon. Are You Wearing An Overcoat? Then it's time to PLAY BILLIARDS We are ready to take care of you Morris Billiard Parlor THE SHOWME for DECEMBER 29 Now Is the Time to Buy Gifts of Quality Our assortment is now complete and it will be a pleasure to make your selections from our fine stock of Diamonds, Watch- es, Clocks, Jewelry, Cut Glass, Silver- ware, Brass Goods and other articles suitable for gifts. Articles selected now will be engraved and delivered later. You should not select your gifts before a visit to this store of matchless assort- ment and incomparable values. LINDSE Y'S 918 Broadway "Gifts that Last" Mistaken Identity. Rastus-What's you all doing with that shoe polish ? Liza-Look heah niggah, that's massage cream.-Princeton Tiger. "Oh curse these organ recitals!" cried the stude as the zoology lecturer reached for another cat. -Jester. "Have you read 'Far From the Maddening Throng?" asked the professor in English class. "No," responded the egg,-"but I've got 'All by Myself' on the victrola."-Princeton Tiger. Gentleman, escorting Lady (To roadhouse pro- prietor)-Have you any good mushrooms. Proprietor-Waiter, show this gentleman to one of our private dining rooms.-Princeton Tiger. "Assorted curses," growled the villain as the hero stabbed him with a cheese knife. Palms under new management Good Things To Eat and Drink We make a specialty of FRENCH PASTRY Will Call If You Will HARRELL'S The Quick, Clean, iteaners Tailoring and Repairing Receive Our Most Careful Attention 381 381 30 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER THE GIRL AT HOME AND THE VARSITY GIRL -Are alike in appreciating a nice fresh box of APPOLLO CHOCOLATES JOHNSON CHOCOLATES OR ALLEGRETTI CHOCOLATES COLLEGE INN 916 Broadway LIBERTY CANDY KITCHEN Cor. 9th and Broadway Evidently Been There. Night Leaguer-So the girl's sore at you, eh? Pledge-Yes, say's she won't see me until Wednesday. Night Leaguer-What's going on Wednesday, a big show?-Frivol. Mrs. Murphy-And shure, Mrs. Casey, Pat must be married. For didn't Oi hear him say last night to wan iv the bhoys, 'Baby needs a new pair of shoes.'-Froth. -Cultivate the letter-writing habit in your friends by Giving them a box of Station- ery for Christmas from The Missouri Store The Center of Interest. Risque Co-ed-To think that we are to be pre- vented from rouging our knees! Conservative-But we can still rouge our faces. Risque Co-ed-True, but who looks at our faces ?--Pelican. Heard at the Navy Crew Race. Biddie-I suppose you have been in the navy so long you are accustomed to sea legs? Middie-Lady, I wasn't even lookin.'-Tiger. IT'S RED HOT. Music By the Moonlight Dance Orchestra Bill Fox, Mgr. Phone 472 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER Geery Jeweler The Ninth Street Jeweler Cut Rates. "Please, ma'am, give a poor blind man a dime." "Why, you're only blind in one eye!" "Well, make it a nickel then."-Lampoon. Soph-You want to keep your eyes open around here today. Fresh-What for? Soph-Because people will think you are a damn fool if you go around with the-m shut. -Pelican Wash Your Hands of your laundry cares and let us wash your clothes Dorn-Cloney Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Phone 116 Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th Street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records. Freshmen!!! The ol' sky piece is gone. There ain't no more rules. If you shoot a wicked stick -come down to Booches' Virginia Bldg. 32 THE SHOWME for DECEMBER HALL THEA TRE America's Greatest Stars in The World's Best Pictures 8-Piece Orchestra-8 Interesting If True. We have at hand a report that a prominent university is going to build a dormitory for girls seven stories high. What's worrying us is, how high is the dormitory to be? -Sun Dial. Meow! ! ! Miss Primp-Tell me truly, as friend to friend, do you think I am vain? Miss Sharp-I could hardly say that, dear. Shall we say, rather, highly imaginative.-Awgwan. Foregone Conclusion "If the guy who said, 'All the world's a stage" had lived today, he probably would have likened. the old globe to a gymnasium." "Why a gymnasium?" "So many dumbells, so many dumbells." -Pelican If someone would invent an alarm clock which would make a noise like popping corks, there would be few studes missing their eight o'clocks. -Octopus Agent-I've got a device here for getting en- ergy from the sun. Mr. Jones-Here! give me one for mine. -Princeton Tiger. The Little Queen-Have you ever kissed a girl ? Her partner, Oscar-Is that an invitation, or are you gathering statistics? -Drexerd Quinby's Chocolate Shop Candies Are Legal Tender in Paying Social Obligations Tavern Drug Store Tom Heath "Kitty" Lightner Ready for You A G-K Tux sets the style standard for those parties and holiday functions, and all the other duds to go along Be Ready Gordon & Koppel Columbia Kansas City