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Showme February, 1922; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1922

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February SHOWME Dizzy Number Vol. II No.VI University of Missouri 35 cents More Than 3 Million Dollars is spent by the students in Columbia each year. Mr. Merchant, do you get your share ? ? You will if you adver- tise in the SHOWME Whitman's Quality Group THE SAMPLER-A happy selection from ten other popular packages of Whitman's. NUTS CHOCOLATE COVERED-For many tastes nut meats, carefully hand picked, blended with Whitman's Chocolate are the ideal confections. PLEASURE ISLAND PACKAGE-A quaint and curious idea expressing the value of the chocolates in the symbol of a pirate's treasure chest. A FUSSY PACKAGE-Selected chocolates with nut, caramel and other "chewy" centers. Contains no creams. SALMAGUNDI CHOCOLATES-A medley of good things in an artistic metal box. SUPER EXTRA CHOCOLATES-The package, con- taining a wide assortment, that first made Whitman's famous, back in 1842. THE LIBRARY PACKAGE-Shaped like a book bound in hand buffed green and gold. The contents please every student of sweets. These await your pleasure in the nearby selected store which is theWhitmanagency and receives its supplies direct from Whitman's. STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc. Philadelphia, U. S. A. Whitman's famous candies are sold by Peck Drug and News Company 26 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY American Color Engraving Co. Artists Designers Engravers All Processes and Purposes Offset and Photo-Litho Specialists PRODUCERS OF PLATES IN ONE OR MULTICOLORS 914 PINE STREET ST. LOUIS, MO. INCORPORATED 1885 A More Particular Studio and Engraving Shoppe for:--- High Schools Colleges Universities THE SHOWME February, 1922 The Showme is published monthly from September till March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at 506 Guitar Build- ing, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, No- vember 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Columbia, Mo., un- der the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription price $1.75 a year or' thirty-five cents a copy wthen purchased from newsstands. Especially Among the Males. Neck is rapidly becoming the favorite piece of chicken. "Say It With Flowers" Columbia Floral Co. 7th and Broadway When Old Man Hunger begins to speak He -- is trying to say to You "Palms" THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 5 Yonr Hair should be a joy, not a sorrow. It will be if we dress it. Parsons Sisters A lot of lads coming down to school for the first time wonder what the fraternities would do if they were not pledged. -Frivol. Most people are steppers, either of the "high" or "side" variety. -Washington Sun Dodger. When a bunch of girls get together,-the Lord pity the first one who leaves. -Puppet. When You Hear Music Think of Taylor Music Co. Ninth Deacon Music Now on Sale From A Faint Blue Glow To Modern Miracles EDISON saw it first-a mere shadow of blue light streaking across the terminals inside an imperfect electric lamp. This "leak" of electric current, an obstacle to lamp perfection, was soon banished by removing more air from the bulbs. But the ghostly light, and its mysterious disappear- ance in a high vacuum, remained unexplained for years. Then J. J. Thomson established the electron theory on the transmission of electricity in a partial vacuum -and the blue light was understood. In a very high vacuum, however, the light and apparently the cur- rents that caused it disappeared. One day, however, a scientist in the Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company proved that a current could be made to pass through the highest possible vacuum, and could be varied' accord- ing to fixed laws. But the phantom light had vanished. Here was a new and definite phenomenon-a basis for further research. Immediately, scientists began a series of develop- ments with far reaching practical results. A new type of X-ray tube, known as the Coolidge tube, soon gave a great impetus to the art of surgery. The Kenotron and Pliotron, followed in quick succession by the Dynatron and Magnetron, made possible long distance radio telephony and revolutionized radio telegraphy. And the usefulness of the "tron" family has only begun. The troublesome little blue glow was banished nearly forty years ago. But for scientific research, it would have been forgotten. Yet there is hardly a man, woman or child in the country today whose life has not been benefited, directly or indirectly, by the results of the scientific investigations that followed. Thus it is that persistent organized research gives man new tools, makes available forces that otherwise might remain unknown for centuries. General Electric Company General Office Schenectady, N. Y 9S.473J 28 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY LEVY'S "QUALITY FOOTWEAR" in all the new alluring shades of Nude Gunmetal Polo Grey Silver Fawn Pearl For Spring "That girl's dress reminds me of a good speech." "Howzat?" "Long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting." -Cracker. Al-"You better get a haircut." Fal-"How so?"- Al-"Well, that's cheaper than buying a vio- lin." -Tar Baby. Begin to Think of your New Spring Suit We can make it so it will fit Jack Daily's The Heir. Johnny had a wealthy dad Who owned the Follies, rich was he, So when he died he left to John A rich and wondrous leg- a-see. -Awgwan. Grind-"I'm afraid of a blood clot on the brain." Ground-"Cheer up, old man. It can't be so very big." -Mercury. Officer-"Who goes there?" Prof.-"A professor with two friends." Officer-"What! A professor with two friends? Enter!" -Whirlwind. She-"I can't light this match, my foot is too small." He-"Scratch it on your-er-better let me light it." -Purple Cow. ' A Sunday Night Dinner at the COLLEGE INN will be the best you have ever had THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 3 6 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Taking in a Show. DISAPPOINTMENTS IN LIFE 1. When your date fell off of Lover's Leap, and you forgot to see if she came to rest or not. 2. When the swing broke, and all the avail- able space was already occupied. 3. When the funny looking divinity you swal- lowed at your boarding house turned out to be lim- berger. 4. When the other fellow had four aces. 5. When you tasted that distilled water to see if it had hydrochloric in it or not; and it did. 6. When you found that the quiz questions were absolutely the only things you did not study. 7. When you missed that piece of gossip that Nadine told Gwendolyn not to tell you. 8. When you discovered that your one per- fect woman had false teeth. 9. When they slipped, and she bit you on a certain occasion. Ye Villainous Coal Dealer. "Come", pleaded the tempter, "take just a little of this coke and-" "Never," cried the fair one, "I promised mother that I would use anthracite or nothing." Flapper-"Are those binoculars very power- ful?" Sailor-"Miss, these glasses bring things up so close that everything less than ten miles away looks like it is behind you." Dear Editor: What has become of the co-ed who used to remark innocently that if there were only some lights on th golf links you could play out there at night.-Al Uminus. Answer: We know but we won't tell.-Ea. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 27 DIZZY DAYS Each MoNdaY moRn tHe weEk sTarTs ouT As dizzy as A cuckOOEd trouT aNd thUs contInues ThROugH itS fligHt tiLl thE ensuinG SUndAY niGht. THE diZZy HEighTs Each day attAinS aCCount fOr OuR much MuddlEd bRaIns. MoNdAy rUNs abOuT liKe tHiS: &$*'-& hit or MISS. A hit sHouLD bE reCorDEd sO: %.,; 856*-; A MISS mAy bE a MISS, WHATO? MIss Hap Ho, hO! (APplAuSe frOm tHe lEft wiNg So- CialIsTs.) On TuesDAy comes tHe rISINg sUN, A raRinG, RoaRing sUn-OF-a-gUn. (ALmost rhimes WiTh WriGLey'S gUm.) ON TUesDay Night. deSeRT fOr DiNNer, This One rhYMes With WItteR ByNNer. (TIMe oF tHe MilE, 2:13/4) ON WednEsdaY, aH, swEEt CeraBLOke, AfTeR thIS liNe I'lL tAkE sMoke! (SCorE, HinDUstan, 71/2, DAPper DaN, 24 diVidEd bY 13) BULLetin-NeW ParaGRaph! ANotHER BULLetin-ThiS iS iT! THurSDaY is a SplenDiD daY foR slEEPing 'MId tHe Fes- TiVe hay. (ToO Simple, TrY anOThEr onE) ThuRsdAy, noW you'Ve got ThE ideY (loCal for IdeA) iS ThaT daY tHAt coMes BeTWeEn WedNeSDAy aNd FriDay! (SIMple anoUGh) On ThurSdaY WE haVe CarAmel piE, suRRoundEd by a DeEp BLUe sky. (The piE is SuRRounDeD by tHe sKY, aNd the sKy Is SurRounDEd bY ClouDs. THe authOr will sOOn be suRRoundeD by PaddeD waLls) FrIdaY brinGs us evErYthinG oF whicH tHe poeTs are wont to SinG, aNd TherEFore wHat FriDaY brINGs us, sEE ShAw vS. HaN, 342 Mo. ApP. 491, ArtiCLe I, SectIon HanD, pAGEs 11: 45, mEanING 15 tO 12. WE hoPe tHe POETs wOn't be wONT to wOnT mUCH) SATuRdAy, iF It rAinETh nOt, Is sOmE- Thing lIKe FriDAy, iF it iSn'T hOt. SpECiAl NOTIcE!! AlL ThrEE IINEs Of tHE nEXT pArAgraPh wIlL bE dEvOTEd TO ThE rEsT Of ThE wEek. SUndAy. SuNDaY. SUNDAY. NoW This iS dOnE, And juST TO Think, wiTOuT thE Aid of OnE smAll drink (MEAninG coco- cola) (EXIT TOM AND JERRY, ENTER DAGO DRAkE DISGuISED as A TROPIC SnOWSTORm) And fEEling diZZy, jusT A biT, wE'Ll nOw prOcEeD tO hAvE A fiT! nshe658tkdsjfjy3647wkz, LKDW YT&'1/4 K gnajajnmm uugg4532- 32 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY He-"I crave food." She-"Soda I." THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 15 Our Dizzy Contemporaries She knew her stuff, she slung it well, She had a wicked line. Alas, alack, for it I fell, Be warned by this tale of mine. I fell for a girl with a baby stare, A cute little cuddlesome vamp, With big blue eyes and golden hair, A scheming, heartless scamp. I won her heart, she worshiped me, I saved her from a mouse. I fell for that! I went to tea, And then to open house. I danced with her near all the night, And stepped not on her feet, Her hair, so bright, gleamed in the light, And oh, she was so sweet. In the fall I took her riding, Was a tea-hound at football. In the winter we went sliding, Saw the movies, one and all. She loved to dine, she loved to dance, I took her everywhere. Then, came the end of my romance. Alas, she played not fair! No more I sit on the Pi Phi steps, Nor those of' Alpha Phi, For that cruel and utterly heartless girl, She up and married me! -I. W. D. Bluh-"I hear you are working in the shirt factory now." Glub-"Yes." Bluh-"Why aren't you working today?" Glub-"Oh, we are making night shirts this week." -Humbug. "Would you marry a girl if her heart was cold as ice?" "Yes, but not if her feet were." -Drexerdl. 10 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY SHOWME Published by Students of the University of Missouri THE SHOWME, Room 506, Guitar Building Vol. II, No. 6 Columbia, Missouri $1.75 a Year Exclusive rights for the use of any of the text in this publication for Motion Picture reproduction is reserved for the Intercollegiate Film Com- pany (or an assignee). THE STAFF ARCH RODGERS ................................Managing Editor. LYLE WILSON ......................................Literary Editor. GERALD F. PERRY ........................................4rt Editor. F. P. GASS -..........--- ...-- ...-...-- ...-.........-.. Literary Editor. FRANK HOUSTON ....................................... '.rt Editor. ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT Alfred Egan, Mgr. J. W. Brown, Jr. James Boyle BUSINESS DEPARTMENT ERNEST D. GARTH, Mgr. ASSISTANTS Fritz Schroeder William Armstrong W. McAfee Spencer Shore CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT L. C. Kassebaum, Mgr. Paul Diggle Nelson J. Riley ASSOCIATES A. T. Arn J. Q. Adams Eugenia Dodd Isabel Dooley Calvin McDonald Lawrence Freeman Marguerite Barnett James Patton Wiley Padan Dorothy Roe Isabel Forte L. F. P. Waverly Hays Ernestine Parks O. Johnson D. Keens Showme's Questionnaire. In order to find out what the average undergraduate thinks about, what he does in his spare time, how many professors he knows out of school hours, how many activities he is in, what he thinks of the annual political battle waged between our two leading secret societies, whether he would favor a football game between Missouri and West Point, and numerous other interesting and instructive things, SHOW- ME is preparing a questionnaire, to be distributed over the campus in the near future. The answers to some fifty questions, of which the above are typical, should prove very interesting. Every one in school will be given the opportunity to express his opinion of student life, as is. We do not claim this as an original idea, as one of our good Columbia friends tipped us off to its possibilities. The results of the questionnaire will be printed in our March number. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 11 Are You a Crook? It is rather a serious proposition to question a man's honesty, and perhaps more serious to doubt the integrity of a woman, especially if the man or woman happens to be a student in a State Univer- sity, but there have come to be so many who are honest part of the time and dishonest the rest of the time, particularly when they are placed on their honor, that the Honor System of examinations is becom- ing a joke and the "crib" is rivaling goulashes and caved-in-hats in the race for student favor. Most of us seem to have a sliding scale of morals when examination time comes around. To crook or not to crook is not the question; to get caught or not to get caught becomes the all important issue. And the team work in some of the classes is remarkable. The intimate friends who convert rolls of add- ing machine paper into a "crib" that, held between the thumb and forefinger, easily unrolls all the inform- ation needed in an exam, have very little on the fraternity brothers who sit three in a row and trade views and opinions. The unfortunate part of the system is that these same brothers boast of their achieve- ments after the exam is passed, and student opinion lets them get away with it. The time has come to either get rid of the honor system or to make things so hot for the cheaters that they must change their ways or say goodbye for ever. To do away with the honor system would be to admit that we do not measure up with students of other universities, where the system is a cherished tradition, and violators are black-balled by student society. Are you one of these crooks? If you cheat on an examination, there is no other name for you. Obviously, a student who is placed on his honor, who deliberately crooks his way through an examination, and who then sees fit to sign the honor pledge, has no honor. Enthusiastic Greetings. The SHOWME has, from time to time, endeavored to build up a subscription list among our alum- ni. In the majority of cases we have been received with the Old Tiger Spirit, but in one or two instances we have been shown that the open door policy, this way out, is still in pretty good working order. One enthusiastic old grad returned the copy of the SHOWME that we sent him, said that he did not order it, did not want to subscribe to it, and did not even want to keep it. This outflow of heart balm so moved us that we posted his letter in the office labeled "Enthusiastic Greetings", and replied that V c were sorry that he did not want the magazine to be seen in his office, very sorry that he did not want to subscribe to it, and so sorry that we bothered him. Although we felt very much downtrodden, we wished the gentlemen a Merry Christmas. Another letter reached us, by a round-about route, that characterized our publication as smutty, and suggested that if the boys could not put out a clean magazine, they had better put out none at all. We are truly sorry that our magazine has not pleased these two alumni, and hope that there are no others who share their opinion. We have worked two years now, trying to give Missouri a humorous stu- dent magazine, an institution that a school of this size warrants, and we do not feel that our efforts have been wasted. How much better we would have felt, though, if these two alumni had offered us some con- structive criticism, instead of using their little hammers to discourage our efforts. The silver lining, however, made its appearance as usual. Miss Ernestine Parks, of Kansas City, a former student in the University, who gave her untiring efforts to the SHOWME while she was in school, contributed three drawings for this issue. These, friends and countrymen, are "Enthusiastic Greetings" that are appreciated. This is a spirit and co-operation that will put the SHOWME on top and keep Mis- souri University where she belongs. We are indeed grateful to Miss Parks for the interest she has shown, and hope that many of the alumni, and students now in school, will follow her example. 20 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Augustus Scrapp Tells How to Succeed. "There are three things," said Mr. Scrapp of- fering me a match, "that are essential to success. But let us save them for the last of the interview." And he laughed his little laugh that so resem- bles the bleating of a lost effort, and placing his feet on the desk he smiled at me cordially. Know- inging what was coming next, I laid my cigarettes out and waited. "Well," he began, "ask me some questions. Some questions about myself and my success. I have the biggest reindeer harness factory in the middle east. Come, let us play at Inquiring Re- porter." "Very well, Mr. Scrapp," I said. "Where were you born?" Augustus Scrapp looked at me in amazement. Soon I could see a little smile peeking out from behind his winsome mustache; a twinkle crept in- to his eye and down the left side of his nose; his lips parted in the middle and a soft whisper escap- ed. "Are you sure?" he murmured. It was now my turn to register animation. Perhaps he had misunderstood the question. I would try another. "How old are you, Mr. Scrapp?" I asked. At this the millionaire reindeer harness Prince broke into a loud laugh. He doubled up his en- tire five feet and let his other two fall from the table. Fearing that he would soon assume a con- vulsion, or that his violent shaking would demol- ish the walls of his magnificent studio, I started to the window to call for help. But Mr. Scrapp was in no danger. Anticipat- ing my actions, he waved me back to my chair, and in a few minutes was able to control his mirth. The first sign of his return to normal came with the reduction of the number of twinkles on the left side of the nose. He arose, looked around to be sure that no one could hear him, and' raising on his tip toes, pulled back his mustache and whispered, "Are you sure?" By this time I was quite sure that Mr. Scrapp was ready to be converted into junk. I was not sure, however, that I would ever get away from that studio alive. Mr. Scrapp was now bending over the table and staring me exactly between the eyes, that is, at the intersection of the eyebrows. "Young man," he cried, "let me tell you a few incidents of my life. Are you sure?" "Hell yes!" I shouted in desperation. "When I was a small boy," he began grimly, "my father gave me the three magic watch words of success. This was while we were on the way from Florida to Boston. No through sleepers in those days, no sir!" Mr. Scrapp was now standing on his chair. "We came all the way, twenty nine of us in a tub equipped with roller skates. Yes, sir!" Augustus had now ascended the table. "At night," he roared, "the Kentucky dew was so heavy that we all had gutters around our necks to carry the precipitation away. Talk about suffering! I've gone for days without sleep looking through the wilderness for an employment bureau. Howev- er, I usually managed to get my sleeping done at night." "Ah, Mr. Scrapp," I cried, "those three magic words. They must tell all of your success? What are they?" Mr. Scrapp stared down at me in disgust. "Give me a match," he growled. "But, Mr. Scrapp," I continued, "What three magic words did your father give you on the way to Boston from Florida?" Three more twinkles and a grunt escaped from Mr. Scrapp's visage. "I lost the damn things," he said, "Before I got to read them. But tell me, are you sure-" * * * * * * A few minutes later I walked into Police Head- quarters. "There has been a murder in Augustus Scrapp's studio," I announced. The sargeant at the desk yawned. "Are you sure?" he asked. Disarmament THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 19 The MILITARY BALL? -- Sure ---- It's March 31? Alright I'll be ready. Nothing Dizzy About This. Cooking, 1w. John Jones, he was a mighty man, As strong as any ox; Full fifteen stone of beef and bone He stood in army socks. And yet however great men be, Yet lowly fates betide; John choked upon a calory, And died. Sam Simpson, too, was wondrous great, And wondrous strong and tall. He chewed up nails and iron pails, And boasted of it all. O Destiny! Thy ways unseen Do break man's bumptious pride; Sam bit up a vitamine, And died. -F. P. G. Rhaphsody in A Flat. A vapor passed before his eyes A steamy irridescent vapor A writhing clamy vapor That whirled about and smothered him As great sorrow weighed upon him Now he could not hold her in his arms A phantasma of colors coruscated before hini "She is dying!" he gasped. A Turk may have a lot of wives-- I'm puzzled more and more: How can he tell which one is best? Perhaps he keeps a score. -Princeton Tiger. Watch Your Step. Always cross the street in the middle of the block and never look for the car approaching from the opposite direction. On these two hang all the accidents and fines. If you are escorting a young lady never allow any man to say anything to her that he would not say to you. Never pass behind a person-he may think you are trying to do something behind his back. Especially is this true when passing a lady; pass directly in front of her to avoid suspicion. Remember, when walking with a lady always take the other side of the walk, but the same side of the street. Never wear a coat on the same pattern as your trousers. To do so stamps you as a man with only one suit. If the weather is warm and you are wearing a two-piece suit you may carry your coat over your arm, but never your collar and tie. First Flapper-"I heard that Tom and Marg- aret had quarreled on the subject of cosmetics." Second Ditto-"Yes, but they've made up again." First-" 'That so? How did it happen?" Second-"O, Margaret's fast on the make'up." 12 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY A Dizzy Scenario. Dear Oswald, when the moon is high, Feels Romance stir, and heaves a sigh; But mark the deadly, fiendish eye Of Cleo, ogling vampishly. Her voice is deep, her brain is not, A greenback is her highest thought, And rouge lights' up in double spot, The darkness of her scenery. "Be mine, be mine!" she gargles out. She twists her lips into a pout, And oozes a thin arm about Poor Oswald, struggling mannishly. O passion deep, and strong, and rare! All google-splooey is the air; A langorous lure, a taunting dare Is Cleo, ogling vampishly. Red lips! Green eyes! Now close she leans; They clutch; they pose in soulful scenes, And mutter gush that nothing means; He grasps his wallet nervously. But picture shows have made him wise. He knows red lips! He knows green eyes! He stands, he stares, his tie reties, And exits, strutting righteously. -F. P. G. Oh! Lookit! Lovely Spring is here! The gayly Bursting Buds appear, With Poets 'tin the Jerry Thing To thus begin a Verse on Spring. Well, Winter! Winter's gone to stay, The blossoming Campus Buds display Their Uptown Clothes, Vivacious Hose, They're out in Ventilated silk array, With variegated Head-gear seen In shades from Pink to Kelley Green, All flower-topped and Gold Embossed, And Bevel-Edged.-We mourn the cost Their dadls must pay to keep 'em. Does Spring await the Equinox, Or come in with the Bandeau-box? This for you who can't remember,- Hats! Habiliments of Vernal Style, Spring's been here quite a while. In fact, since last December! Tout de Suite. Home Ec Instructress-"I find that there is over a teaspoonful of sugar in every three dates." Wise Freshette (to herself)-"If I couldn't beat that I would get a new man." Jim-"This is co-ed weather." Sam-"How so?" Jim ---"lt gets you all het up and then freezes you." "GIRL HOLDS TWO MEN TILL POLICE ARRIVE"-Headline. Moral: Hold 'em one at a time and the police won't have to arrive. Unrecorded historic moments ((Queen Eliza- beth to Sir Walter Raleigh )-Keep your shirt on, Walt. -Wag Jag. Oh Mercy! See page 19. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 9 El Fable 'Em Upo. Once upon a time there was a little Girl who thought that Red Riding Hood was the King of Spain's cousin, and that she made a marshmallow padding out of the mean old Wolf. She didn't be- lieve that little Hood had any grandmother at all. This little girl had a Brother named Happy. One day he rushed into the Lobby of the Family mansion, shouting, "I'm so happy, so Happy!" "Yes," replied Uncle Walrus between gulps of strawberry pie. "Happy Who?" "Happy Hooligan," replied little Whoop, without cracking a rib. "Give me some mutton," screamed Happy. "Mutton What?" asked Uncle Walrus. "Mutton Jeff," responded Happy, who with this Coup was Admitted t othe Family Circle in Good Standing. One of the Greatest Pleasures of The Child -en's life was watching Uncle Walrus Hide. He had a hide just like A Walrus, that is, he hid under cakes of ice or doughnuts, or anything like that. Uncle Walrus also made a Good Seal, and Got lots of boot out of printing S. W. A. K. on the end of his tongue. He never told the Children, though, what The Mystic letters meant, because he really didn't know: He couldn't even remember where Addison Sims was from. Uncle Walrus was hiding under a Pineapple Bush this particular afternoon when a Porcupine got all festive and started playing hide and seek with the Bush. The Children said that Something happened that Uncle Walrus got all sore about. Uncle Walrus thought that the Porcupine mistook him for a bale of Hay, and was playing the Great Game of Needle in the Haystack. When the Primary Group got home that evening, Uncle Walrus said that he didn't want but three pieces of Pie. The Children thought that he was trying to April 1 them, and they stayed up till half past Seven waiting to see if he had any more tricks up his sleeve. They wondered why he didn't sit down, but, childish like, thought that perhaps his bronchial tubes were cracked. Uncle Otto thought that it would be great sport to awaken the Children with a half portion of Snow. As it wasn't snowing, However, he gave up the idea and Awakened them with his hands. We have no further record of this Interesting Quartette for several years, and our next scene shows that while they were away from us, they growing older, day by day . Happy is still Happy. Little Whoop is still Whooping 'em up, Uncle Walrus Hide is in fine shape, and Uncle Otto is raising some new Mattics and a beard. MORAL: Do your shopping Early. "Mamma, Why Doesn't Papa Come Home?" 22 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY My girls says that she don't smoke:- She'll have to show me. Says that she can see a joke:- She'll have to show me. She said once when I was mad That she knew how to make me glad. Gosh, I surley wish she had. She'll have to show me. Says she "wouldn't touch a coke"- She'll have to show me. "She likes boys who are always broke":- She'll have to show me. She says that she wouldn't be Happly with any boy but me. Why that is I cannot see:- She'll have to show me. There was a young lady named Maude Her form, it was shapely, but broad. Her skirt to the eye Was dizzily high, But when she sat down,-Oh my Gawd! Drip-"Have you heard the new B. V. D. (r- chestra ?" Drop-"No, but why B. V. D.?" Drip-"Oh, it's only one piece." -Lord Jeff. Handicapped. "Yassuh," said the captain of the Tuskeegee football team to a dusky henchman, "Rastus White would be de bes' playuh on de team at quatah, but how's Ah gonna let him play theah with dat un- curable habit of his'n?" "What's dat?" "Wah, ev' time he stahts hollerin' de signal numbuhs he can't think of nothin' but seven ' 'leb- en!" -Gargoyle. Drug Clerk-"What kind of a toothbrush do you want?" Customer-"Gib me a big one, boss. Dare's ten in my fambly." -Ghost. After all, what is knowledge, anyhow? I have read Bernard Shaw And Edgar Lee Masters And I have conned the Alkoran of lMohammed Thru and thrn I know Wilhelm Meister As my own father The cosmos of the diacosmos Is Jean Fabre to me 'Ihe flowering fantasies Of Ming are mine And I like Henry James And Arnold Bennett And Walter Pater And Nietzche Ah, Nietzche Man and superman And I am Phi Beta Kappa Rhodes, perhaps And more- But oh, I cannot Cannot Cannot Understand that darned girl! The Co-ed's Prayer I want the men, I want the wine I want the lights that brightly shine I want the fun without the price I want to be naughty and yet be nice. I want the thrill of a long drawn kiss I want the things that "good" girls miss Won't someone give me some goodl advice On how to be naughty and yet be nice? -Juggler. He stood apart, a thing of woe, All broken by the weather. He was a man of parts, and so He pulled himself together --T. S. A. There was a hefty boid Who came from Toity-Toid. A -goil had he Who flung, did she, A wicked adenoid. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 21 An hour's date, more or less, with any dumb bell. 14 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Stude-"That reminds me, I'd better cram a little before my exams." Drinking Song. (We are caught out with a date) Drink, drink, drink her health, (In aqua distillatis.) We owe her something, something nice, For all the names she taught us. She called us every sort of beast, She said just what she thought us. Her temper sure is worth a toast, (In aqua distillatis.) It seems we knew a blonde too well, And she somehow had caught us. Yes, we'll concede she's earned a drink, (In aqua distillatis.) So drink, drink, drink her health, Ay flood your epiglottis. Rebukes like hers deserve a toast, (In aqua distillatis.) -F. P. G. "I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss." "What did she say?" "Will that be all?" -Mugwump. REAL THOTS I love to go To the Movies- Don't you? In spite of all The Nuts I'd like To take out and Kill. First There are the Boobs Who supply the Kissing sounds. I Always long to Wring their necks. But There are other Pests Who are Worse. The other night I Went to the Hall To see The Shiek. I sat behind a Prune Who read the sub-titles Out loud and when there Was nothing to read Prophesied how it Would end. He gave Me a Pain. I couldn't Half enjoy Rudolph! And then at the Columbia I saw Camille Die around a post. Just as I began To shed tears a Fat Woman got up to leave. One Fat woman is Worse Than Three posts. After that I don't know what Happened for all the Nuts, who rush out Before the picture Is over, Rushed. I Don't see why they Show the Last reel In this town. No one Can see it anyway For these Boobs. They Rush out as if They were going somewhere, Then stand on the Sidewalk and watch The others come out. They make me SO Mad! But then-I love To go to the Movies- Don't you? -I. W. D. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 23 Put and Take. Put in your thumb; take out a plumb. Put your feet on the table; take your time. Put your arm around, and take your time. Put out the kale, and take what consolation you can. Put one over on father; take good care of yourself. Putt for the green; take as. many strokes as neces- sary. Put your faith in woman; take the consequences. Put no faith in woman; take the same conse- quences. Put on your coat; take the trouble to close the door after you. Signals! ! An American officer was drilling a Russian regiment. He sneezed and three men answered, "here." -Princeton Tiger. Stewed-Honey, I'd like to see you apart for a moment. Lady Clerk-Say, kid, whadayah think I am; a puzzle for the little ones ?-Awgwan. Did You Have Enough Money for Christmas Join Our Savings Club Drop in---Let us tell you about it Exchange National Bank STYLED FOR YOUNG MEN FEATURE SOFT HAT -a smart young man's Stetson with a medium flareand binding.Lined attractively in various shades of satin. STETSON HATS JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia New Style Spring FOOTWEAR at SAPP BROS. HOSIER Y SHOES REPAIRING 24 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Storage Moving Rummans Transfer Company Phone 470 Baggage a Specialty Prompt Service Shipping Crating VIRGINIA BARBER SHOP (Opposite Hall Theatre) HARLAN C. PRATHER, Prop. Hair Cut, 35c Shave, 15c Virginia Building South Ninth Street If you can't do this do this at the Tavern Billiard Parlor A yap from Ypsilanti, Hid thirty-five yen in his shanty. A yegg from the pen Stole the thirty-five yen, And the yenniless yap yelled, "You yarn yod- dling yam, you, I'll yank your yellow yuca- tan, you betcher." Model-I'll do ten draped poses for $.)(), pay when you will. Artist-And how much will you take off for cash down ? --Princeton Tiger. You Haven't A Chance If you won't take her to the Tavern Drug Store "Kitty" Lightner Tom Heath THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY What size shoe does the lady wear? 100,000 puzazas for the correct answer! THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Our Dizzy Number; Among Those Present. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 29 We Show You that our prices on Varsity Jewelry are cheaper Henningers' Fifty Years Ago. She-"Stop this moment or I'll get out and walk." He-"But, Mary-" She-"Aren't you ashamed of yourself and aft- er I've known you so long too." He-"But-" She-"You needn't explain, you're not a gen- tleman." He-"But, Mary, this darned horse won't go unless I whip him." -Banter. Millers Special Showing of Early Spring Styles Millers 800 Broadway Watch Our Windows When your commis- sary or boarding house buys government inspect- ed meats from Richards Market you have to look in the Showme for jokes about your food. Richards Market "The Best of Everything" ESTABLISHED 1893 If you look hungry If you feel hungry If you are hungry Stop at BURNHAM CAFE (formerly Gordon Cafe) Everything on the Square--- Even the Meals 8 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY A Brick Yes, a Gold Brick, a brick of Frozen Gold Ice Cream Always Appropriate Made only by the White Eagle Dairy Co. CALL OUR CAB when you want to visit or leave the restaurant, theatre, dance or other place of entertainment or amusement. Quick service, comfortable cabs, courteous drivers, moderate rates. After using our cars you will not be satisfied with any other service. Phone day or night. 481-581 TAXI 3 for 2 Get 3 Presses for the Price of 2 CALL 13 CALL Jack Daily's Not Necessarily Just because a girl spends her time in a door- way watching the young bloods go by is no sign that she is a door belle. But it's pretty safe to say that she is looking- for a ringer.-Sun Dial. "Do you believe in eating clubs on the cam- pus ?" ''Naw, nor chewing toothpicks either." -Purple Cow. Let Us "Show You" Our stocks have been selected with special attention to you and your wants-your buy- ing interests. The prices are fair, the values unequalled. We make a specialty of Sorority and Frater- nity Jewelry, stationery and emblem goods. T. L. Floyd, Jeweler 706 Broadway Columbia, Mo. Phone 931 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 31 The Sun Dial Minstrel Show. "Mistah Intahlocatuh, what has eight legs, runs on three wheels and never climbs trees?" "I'm sure I don't know, Mr. Bones. Tell us what has eight legs, runs on three wheels and never climbs trees." "Two victrolas, one velocipede and an ele- phant." The entire company will now render "I Used to Crave the Sunshine of Virginia, But Now It's the Moonshine of My Old Kentucky Home."-Sun Dial. "Oh, Joy," said the co-ed as she thrust her bare foot into a cobweb, "now I won't have to put on any stockings." -Pelican. Visitor-"Does Mr. Crawford, a student, live here ?" Landlady-"Well, Mr. Crawford lives here, but I thought he was a nightwatchman." -Goblin. If you asked her She'd say "I like Harris Quality Candies because they please my sweet tooth." For February 14 You'll please her as well as her sweet tooth with a three or five pound box of Harris Quality Candies. Distinctive Creations in Suits and Sweaters for Spring Wear Fredendall's Phone 85 716-718 Baoadway Service and Safety are prime essentials in a bank. We offer you both. The Boone County National Bank R. B. Price, Pres. THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY Skillful Craftsmanship and Good Taste Parsons Studio "Mother May We Have More" Central Dairy Ice Cream Made of pure, sweet cream Phone 819 S-s-s-sH! On the moonlit beach. Daughter-What are the wild waves saying? Mother-Don't listen, my dear. If they're as wild as they look, I'm sure it isn't anything very nice.-Jack o' Lantern. Evidently Son Has Joined the K. K. K. His telegram reads: "Kable Kash Kwick." -Beanpot. Teacher-In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should have only one wife? Little Boy-I guess it's the part that says that no man can serve more than one master.-Tar Baby. "Johnny, I'm afraid I'll not see you in Heaven," said the father to his errant son. "Why, what have you been doing now, Pop?" _-Tar Baby. Scott-"Miriam sure has a pretty waist." Fritz-"There's no getting around it." -Awgwan. If--- you are particular about your Taxi Service Just Say 491 25c per passenger All New Cars THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 25 Sampson Service Satisfaction Hurry Back DOEC You can't make sense out of that. OEDC You can't make sense out of that. EDOC You can't make sense out of THAT. COED You weren't supposed to. -Punch Bowl. Bo-"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." Peep-"Boy, you're a whole truckload of dyn- amite." -Chaparral. Phone 381 for 3 for a Dollar Pressing Tickets HARRELL'S Freshman, run back down to Streng's at 1010 Broad- way and get some more cakes. They're the best I ever ate. Watch the Inter-fraternity Bowling Tournament at the Thilo Bowling Alley 30 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY We Print Student Letters, Announcements, Pro- grams, Letter Heads, Envelopes, Visiting Cards, Window Cards, Circular Letters, Posters, Dance Programs, and Menu Folders. J. Guy McQuitty Quick Printer 911-13 Broadway Phone 930-Black McQuitty' Embossing is "Keen" Not to Speak of. I see the girls gave back all frat pins Those you see are very few- The truth is simple and convincing There's nothing left to pin them to. -Froth. Henry-"Just one more dear; just one more like the last one." Marge-"But Henry, there isn't time. You must leave in ten minutes." -Frivol. Even A Dog Wants to Dance When He Hears the MOONLIGHT ORCHESTRA Nice Place! Refined dancing every night except Sunday! The Colosseum. -Burr. He-"Aren't his fingers unusually agile for a piano player?" She-"Well, you see he used to be cheer lead- er at a deaf and dumb institute. -Pitt Panther. SAVE MONEY AT OUR MONDAY SALES THE MISSOURI STORE THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY 7 Your Friends will appreciate a picture of you any time. Let us make up some like the one in the Savitar. Blackmore's Studio She-"Your lips are nice." He-"I warn you not to talk about anything that may be used against you later."-Brown Jug. "They say whiskey shortens a man' life." "Yes, but he sees twice as much in the same length of time." -Siren. Judging from the humor columns, women must be the greatest jokes on earth, next to prohibition and marriage. And they're mixed up in even those. Darn It All! ! ! If your Mother washed your clothes she would darn them and sew on but- tons, so do we, when you phone 116. DORN-CLONEY LAUNDRY & DRY CLEANING CO. Get Next to Yourself! Get Organized! Better yourself while tak- ing recreation by play- ing billiards. You'll im- prove your mind and co-ordinate your eye and hand. Play with your friends at the Recreation Parlor 4 THE SHOWME for FEBRUARY If You Want To Find Your Friends Drop Up to Booches' (Opposite Hall Theatre) Quinby's CALIFORNIA CHOCOLATE SHOP CHOCOLATES Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th Street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records. Omar Khayyan Should Have Said And from the Cat upon the Hearth a soft me-ow A Box of Quinby's Chocolates and Thou Sitting beside Me in the dim Firelight Oh! That were Paradise indeed I Trough. Tavern Drug Store Tom Heath "Kitty" Lightner For Sore Throat, Tonsilitis, and as a Daily Mouth Wash--- Sodiphene Trade Mark Registered "First Aid io the Famil " Don't take chanceswtih sore throat and tonsilitis which easily follow winter exposure after the dance or the athletic games. Sodiphene, as a gargle, is effective for these forms of cold and as a preventive. A daily mouth wash of Sodiphene is not only a safeguard against Core Throat and Tonsilitis but a protec- tion against other contagions which enter through the mouth and nose. Men who are troubled with "smoker's throat", will appreciate the healing and soothing, ef- fects resultant from gargling with Sodiphene. A clean, invigorating tatse is left in the mouth. Sodiphene is not only an antiseptic but a germ- icide, destroying germ life. It is economical for it is used in diluted form for the gargle and daily mouth wash. At your Druggist's in bottles of three sizes: 3-oz., 25c; 7-oz., 50c. THE SODIPHENE COMPANY Manufacturing Laboratories-Kansas City, Missouri Announcing== A new Spring Coat for young fellows ---the showing of which will be soon at our Columbia Store. "Clay" the sport model suit for Spring Gordon & Koppel Columbia Kansas City