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Showme January, 1923; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1923

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SHOWME BACK NUMBER JANUARY U. of MO Price 254 C Bruns Salmagundi- "A box where sweets compacted lie" to tempt the taste, intrigue the eye Visualize this newest member of Whitman's Quality Group, a gift-box of metal, with mosaic design by Mucha. Imagine the hinged lid swinging back, releasing the aroma of this new assortment of Whitman's, a promise of the treat to come: Majestic, Plum Pudding, Mint Rings, Pecan Cluster, Filbert Cluster, Brazil, Marshmallow Fudge, Nougat, Molasses Chewing, Pecan Marsh- mallow, Solid Tablet, Marshmallow Square, Almonds, Flat Cream Mints, St. Nicholas, Marshmallow Apricot, Molasses Chips, Pecan Cara- mel, Milk Chocolate Blossoms, Solid Chocolate Butterfly, Molasses Blocks, Marshmallow Mints, Messenger Boy. Surely "a feast of nectared sweets where no crude surfeit reigns." Salmagundi Chocolates, in their sought-for art metal box, are sold by that selected store near you displaying the sign Whitman's Chocolates and Confections STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A. Also makers of Whitman's Instantaneous Chocolate, Cocoa and Marshmallow Whip Whitman's famous candies are sold by Peck Drug ant News Company THE SHOWME for JANUARY 1 If You Have Not Been Receiving Your Copy send a card with. your name and address to the Showme's new office at Room 2, Lowry Hall. Poems, jokes, drawings, squibs, anything in the printable hum- orous line, are also welcome. You who at times can and do descend from the heights and be almost vulgar, you who go to plays and a're almost bored, you who feel the strain of concentrated education, watch for the next number. -Its the Lowbrow Number Address all contributions to The Showme Room 2, Lowry Hall American Color Engraving Co. Artists-Designers-Engravers for all Processes and Purposes. Offset and Photo Litho. Specialists. 914 Pine St. St. Louis. Mulicolor Plate Makers THE SHOWME for JANUARY In every college town, some store has the repu- tation. of being the rendez- vous of the student. In Columbia, that place is Harris'. It has been our valued privilege to occupy a sphere among the many institutions of college life. The perfection of our ser- vice-the preparation of the best menus, the selection of the best foods, for our client- ele of youth and college spirit is our major ideal of success. Perfection in Confection HARRIS' MILLARD & SISSON INDOOR SPORTS The north wind doth blow And we shall have snow, And what will the chickens do then, poor things? They'll hide in the parlor With some M. U. scholar, And tuck him up tenderly under their wings. My Laundry 'tis of thee, Spoiler of clothes for me, Of thee I rave. My clothes you always tear, All those yoI cannot wear,- It's more than I can bear, And so I rave. My buttons you remove; My wrath you cannot soothe, Nor do you try. My college days you mar; Your sins so countless are That when you cross the bar. Long may you fry. Gabe-"Well, my wife's gone into politics." Abe-"You don't say, how's that?" Gabe-"She's speaker of the house!" The Excello Car Knitted to fit the form-positively will not run. Quiet, even when guests are present. Chain drive Coxatomie, Mo. Richards' Market is in Co- lumbia, noted for extreme care given to Quality and Sanita- tion in the handling of all meat products. Start the year right by arrang- ing with us to give you this service, and the cost is no more than you pay for ordi- nary meats. Phone Two Seven "Oh" THE SHOWME for JANUARY Absolutely- THE HOTTEST PLAY OF THE YEAR You will know after you've seen GORE AND GRAVEL (Not a motion picture) why it is absolutely necessary to have an asbestos curtain. Excerpt from the passionate second act.* Gallardo: I love you. (They kiss.) Donna Sol: Do you? (They kiss.) Gallardo: Yes. (They kiss.) Donna Sol: Well. (They kiss.) (Donna Sol approaches door at back of stage.) Donna Sol: Now you chase me a while. (Exit off-stage into garden.) *This passage is censored, but it can be seen from this how hot a play it really is. For Her Valentine! What could be sweeter and more ap- propriate than a dozen large Ameri- can Beauties' on St. Valentine's Day. Where there's a will there's a way Prove It With Flowers Columbia Floral Co. Phone 366 -across from postoffice- SPRING ARRIVALS! Society Brand and Langham Suits Stetson Hats. Metric and Kingly Shirts Campus Caps. All Ready for Your Approval Victor Barth Clothing Co. Skillful Craftsmanship and Good Taste Parsons Studio THE SHOWME for JANUARY We Ask You- If the Bat beats a Breeze Bug, what can a Hindoo? The COLLEGE INN Is the place to discuss it. There is the best and most up-to-date Confectionery and Cafe in the city. Just Remember- If your date should get the gimmes, There's no place quite like- Jimmie's PRO AND CON "Goodbye, Professor! Do you know, I've real- ly enjoyed this course and gotten more out of it than any other course I ever took!" "Goodbye, you hard boiled old devil! I'll never take another course under you unless I lose my mind." "Good night, Martha, I've had such a nice ride." "By George, you'll never ride in my car again! Petting's against your principles! Hell!" "Oh, order anything you like!" "Have a heart and order a coke! This date's cost me enough already." "Come 'round and see me sometime." "If you ever-dare come poking your head into my room, I'll brain you with a chair!" "I know you'll like her. You simply can't help 'it! Keenest woman you ever saw! Of course she's good looking! And fast! Say man-n." "To tell you the truth, old mapishe's slow as a truck, big as a mountain, dumb as they make 'em, but somebody's got to take her off our hands, and as you've never seen her you might as well be the goat as not." "You Phi Beta Kappas are so smart! I sure admire your genius. I wish I could learn things like you do." "Lord, I'm glad I'm not a freak like you!" "Whew! Kinda putting on aren't you! Say woman, that's some swell outfit you've got on to- night !" "Where the devil did you rake up that dowdy looking garb ?" "I know he driaiks and all that, but I don't think we girls have the right to hold that against him. I think we ought to use our influence to try to reform him. Besides I don't care what the other girls say, he's always treated me with the greatest respect, and has acted the perfect gentleman in my presence." "Sure he's rotten, but he's got the only Rolls- Royce roadster in school." Irate Farmer: "Say, do you think you own this road?" Cool Autoist: "Why no. There are other motorists." This Season A Tuxedo with a shawl col- lar is quite the berries. Campus Tailoring Co. Jesse Hall Opposite Popular Prices THE SHOWME for JANUARY 5 Dairy Products should represent 44% of all the food you eat. By all means these products should be pasteurized-ALWAYS. Our milk is pasteurized! Our "Frozen Gold" is pasteurized! Our butter is pasteurized! Our cheese is pasteurized! Home of Pastuerized Dairy Products White Eagle Dairy Company Phone 360 "I'm sorry, Tom, just as sorry as I can be. It isn't that I don't care for you, but that I'm not a marrying girl. I'm not going to marry for ages and ages-perhaps never. I believe I'll be an old maid. Money? Tom dear do you believe for a moment I'd let anything like money stand for a moment in the way of our happiness." "You've got your nerve, you poor dumbell, to ask me to throw myself away on a penniless pauper! Do you think I was born yesterday?" "Here's your umbrella, old man. I didn't know until today that I never returned it." "I swiped a silk umbrella today so don't need your old cotton one any longer. Besides there's two ribs broken in it now." "Clark, dear, I always feel perfectly safe when you are driving." "I wonder if you're sober enough to get me home without turning us over?" "They say he is a great booze reformer." '"Yes, but he's too full of his subject." Student Headquarters for: Furniture, Rugs, Trunks, Handbags Parker Furniture Co. 16 N. 10th Street Visit our store each month and hear the new Edison records. THE SHOWME for JANUARY DIRECTORY FOR CLASSIFIED ADVERTISERS Banks Phone No. Boone County National Bank .............----......------------------ 19 Beauty Parlors Parsons' Sisters .....-------...................-----..... 795 Billiards Recreation Parlor ......................... -----....... ----- 927 Books & Supplies Scott's Book Store ...-...............-.....----.------.. .-356-Black Cigarettes Lucky Strike Confectioners College Inn .........-....--....-- ....-- --- ---------------.1183 Harris' .-.....................- ------ ----------. 89 The Palms .------------------------------.------------ -------. ----------....... 59 Whitman's Superior Chocolates Dairies Central Dairy -................--.... - --------.--.-------- 819 White Eagle Dairy .---.........-----.......- -----.-------------- 360 Electrical Supplies Platt Electric Co. ....-----..---..---------------- 829 Florists Columbia Floral Co. .-----...........-........-- ... ----------- . 366 THE SHOWME January, 1923 The Showme is published monthly from September until March, inclusive, by the Showme Staff, composed of students of the University of Missouri, at the Virginia Building, Columbia, Mo. Entered as second class matter, November 1, 1920, at the Post Office at Columbia, Mo., un- der the act of March 3, 1879. Subscription price $1.50 a year or twenty-five cents a copy when purchased from newsstands. REMEMBER St. Valentine's Day is Feb. 14 And besides Valentines, we have all the late novels, the best stationery, and many gift novelties. SCOTT'S BOOK SHOP Furniture Parker Furniture Co. .....------------.-------- ------- 53 Milliners Ross-Kinloch ..........----------------------- -------------- 93 Groceries and Markets Richards' Market ...........---------------- ----...--------- 270 Men's Furnishings Victor Barth Clothing Co .-..............----------------------- 50 Sykes & Broadhead ...----..----------- ---------------------- 452 Clark, the Hatter .......... ..... ..-----..............Kansas City, Mo. Arrow Collars Photographers Parsons' Studio ...............----- ---------............. 930-Red Printing J. Guy McQuitty ....--.........------------ ------------------2249 Shoes Levy's ----.. . .---------------------------... ---------325 Tailors-Cleaning & Pressing Campus Tailors ............-.................----1881 Tea Rooms Colonial Tea and Gift Shop ..........................-----.................-------2245 Fellows It Goes Without Saying LEVY'S 'QUALITY FOOTWEAR" Have the Snappy Oxfords -for Spring THE SHOWME for JANUARY SERVICE that's our second name -make us prove it. J. Guy McQuitty "Quick Printer" Just Like Rip Van Wnikle. Librarian (returning at last): "I can not find the man who ordered this book." Victim: "Naturally, my beard has grown two feet since you left." Here's to the freshmen we love best; May they roost some time in the Isles of the Blest. We paddle them sitting, we paddle them lying; If the fools had wings we would,paddle them flying. We may not know much about Hollywood, but Wally Reid sure had the dope. Mrs. Newlyrich: "John, Mrs. Hibrow just called up and said that their son has a Charley Horse. Go down and buy one for little Timothy. They can't get ahead of us." Office Talk. Editor: "What shall we call our next issue?" Business Manager: "Let's call it off." SORORITY BLUES To Be Sung to Rushees. The Pi Phis are all kind of nice. And the Kappas, at least one or two; Some Apha Phis are right, if you please, And Delta Gammas too; quite a few. But we got the girls that we spiked, And they got the girls nobody liked. We have the grace To be nice to their face, But whenever we can we give 'em a slam. We invite 'em to tea, But between you and me, The other sororities aren't worth a thing, By jing! We repeat, they are not worth a thing. Chi Omegas are passable, too, There is worse, far worse to be had. And some of the Thetas and Gamma Phi Betas Are really at times not so bad. But we got the girls that we spiked, etc. "That man has such a sour disposition that even fresh cucumbers taste like pickles to him." HATS and CAPS "Meet me at Clarks" The Missouri Man's Headquarters when in Kansas City CLARK HATTER TEN-TEN WALNUT KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI THE SHOWME for JANUARY BACK TALK He: "But I've got my B. A." She: "Well, my P. A. expects more than that." THE SHOWME for JANUARY The Back Number Our Bible Lesson 1. It has been related how that Solomon had a son whom he sent into the East to get wisdom, how that he made a name and a pile of bills for himself there; 2. How he made such a draft upon the Royal Exchequer that even the treasurer caught cold; and how Solomon, Jr., returned to the land of wise men to learn more foolishness. 3. And it came about in the third year of Solomon, Jr's schooling, that he became bit by the germ feminitis, and he desired to make a hit social- ly. 4. So, therefore, he appeared befdre his father, and spoke in these words, saying, 5. 0 father, I need a chariot in order to make my classes in "the morning. Chariots are nice, handy, useful, and besides the girls like them. 6. And Solomon was a foolish parent, and Solomon, Jr., picked his own chariot out of the Royal Stables. 7. He chose a two horse power, double-back action reciprocating chariot, left-hand drive, with magneto and a rear light. 8. There were demountable stoie wheels, which demounted voluntarily at odd moments. 9. Nevertheless, Solomon, Jr., began having a good time; even the local traffic cop complained. And quite a few local maidens decided that they always had liked Solomon's son, anyway. 10. Now what Solomon, Jr., knew about chariots could be written in large letters on a spark plug. And when a certain daughter of the general of south Syria thoughtlessly slapped him one night, he lost what knowledge he had; 11. And he threw the chariot into reverse, and obfuscated the magneto, which is to say, he ruined it. 12. And after three miles of more or less rough going, they were halted by the South Sinai Hardware Emporium, which had unfortunately been built in their course. 13. O ho! The guard! called the maiden. No, no! Surely not the guard! said Solomon, Jr. Yes, yes! she replied. The mud guard. 14. And sure enough, she had bitten off a large piece of it in her haste to leave the chariot. 15. Then this, said Solomon, Jr., shall be a lesson to me to beware of back numbers. 16. But what is a back number? asked the maiden. Are you speaking of the rear license plate? 17. Not so, said Solomon, Jr. A back number is one who would walk back from a chariot ride. Such a one art thou, and thou causedest this back- ward ride we have been having. 18. Ah, quite the reverse, sighed the maiden. 19. I'll say it was, said Solomon, Jr., and lapsed into a state of coma. 10 THE SHOWME for JANUARY Shed a few tears for Jimmy McSutton, The dear little Frosh forgot to button. Play slow music for Harry O'Farthic- Mistook nitrate of silver for his roommate's cathartic. This is the grave of Timothy Full, He tried to hypnotize an angry bull. Below these depths lie Sailor-man Peck, He tried to walk where there was no deck. Bring back to me Clarence O'Scratch, Found a leak in the pipe with a lighted match. Here are the bones of Charlie Von Seaked, He didn't know the rowboat leaked. "Is Mary there?" "No, she isn't." "Do you know where I could get a hold of her ?" "Oh, I couldn't tell you; the boys say she is aw- fully ticklish." FAMOUS SAYINGS To drink or not to drink, this is.the question. Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I will drink the wine. He who drinks last, drinks least. My country, may it ever be wet; but my country, wet or bootlegged. '"Didja know Sam is a second-story story man?" "How come second story man?" "Well, he never tells. an original one." TO GET A BOOK FROM THE LIBRARY (Useful Instructions for the Uninitiated) 1. Find name of book you want. Book should have an author. Find name of author. 2. Just because the card catalogue says the book is in the library, this is not necessarily the case. 3. Assume that the author you wish to find is Carlyle. You will then find that the cards from Cab-Cent have been removed for recataloguing. 4. Hand slip with the number of Carlyle's "Sartor Resartus" to attendant. When the "His- tory and Methods of Breeding Cattle for Profit in Australia" is handed you, you will sign for it meek- ly, and turn it back in as soon as attendant's back is turned. 5. Try the number again, and when "Femin- ism in Scandinavia" is given you, swear mildly and complain of the difficulties of education. 6. Try number a third time. This time you will receive "The Iron and Coal Resources of China"; you will then know that "Sartor Resartus" is in the library, but that they are trying to hide it from you. 7. 'If you see someone with your book, take him (or her) the last two books, "Feminism in Scandinavia" and "The Iron and Coal Resources of China" alid trade. A suggested library form is the following: I respectfully express my desire for ............. by ... ..... --------....................................... Have you got the book? Yes No Why not? Are you in accord with my desire to get above mentioned book? Yes No Sign nam e -. ...-- ............................... Will you get the above mentioned book? Yes No Sign name .. ... ............................... Thanks. Would you mind getting the book now? Yes No Well, thanks just the same. Name books you can let me have. 1. ................ .................................... 2 . --....-- ...... -......... ... .......................... 3 ............... ..................................... I will take the second. Thanks. Date of .applidation ............... ........ Date of delivery ..---. .......................... Applicant sign here ..................... THE SHOWME for JANUARY 0 MARY A little rhyming now and then, though rotten it may be, is relished by the best of men, and relished frequently. Mary had a rooster once 7hat crowed at all the chickens. She fed the thing canary seed, Now it warbles like the dickens. I think that Mary must have lived back in the Middle Ages; and yet her name keeps bobbing up on many funny pages. Mary had an elephant That was both tall and and wide. She could put its skin away in a bin, But where could the elephant hide? I wish that Mary's attitude and her psychology would be explained at length some time by some bright Ph. D. Mary had a little lamb; She killed it off, it's true. It may have been hard on the little lamb, But wchat is that to ewe? Was Mary really quite this bad, and did she pun like this; or else, I could have stated it, was she a puny miss? Mary had a little flock She herded on the green. They gamboled here and yon about And always could be seen. And Mary would not play or dance Nor ever say a word; She liked it thus, that there should be A very little herd. Why Mary had this little lamb whose fleece was white as snow is a question yet unanswered; how do you think I'd know? The lamb that followed Mary was As pretty as you please. But a cur once followed after it, And now the fleece has fleas. First Reformer: "I wonder what has become of those bold young women who spoke to us last night ?" Second Holaholy: "No use worrying, I couldn't find 'em either." If you are subject to bunions, baldness, falling arches, fainting spells, fits, apoplexy, or sudden death, don't come to see our version of GORE AND GRAVEL (Not a motion picture) for it is strong medicine. The ship was nosing its way from Staten Is- land in a dense fog, the tugs honking their horns continually. "What ban dat kind of noise?" asked the im- migrant. "That," said the captain, "is Long Island Sound." You are sad-ly mis-taken, Hum-phrey. This is not a Rasp-ber-ry. It is a pair of Cossack Boots. Not that Cos-sacks ever wore such things. Again, Hum- phrey, you're dumbness dis-clos-es it-self. These are meant for Broad-way Beauties, for Par-lor Peach-es, and for Ob-ser-va-tion, which is some-thing else a- gain. No-tice band of im-i-ta-tion fur a-round tops; this is to keep Ants from the Limb, and are fre-quent- ly used up-on Elm Trees for the same pur-poses. No- tice al-so the Cad-il-lac in the dis-tance which has stopped to ob-serve. This pleases the owner of the Boots, for Cad-il-lacs are not plen-ti-ful from the looks of the Scen-er-y. THE SHOWME for JANUARY SHOWME The University of Missouri Vol. III. No. 4 Room 2, Lowry Hall, Columbia, Missouri $1.50 a Year STAFF F. P. GASS .........-- - --- ... ---- ---- Editor WILEY PADAN ......................-----......--.-- Art Dept. RALPH TAYLOR ............-- ...-.....--..------------.Art Dept. L. C. KASSEBAUM ...........................-- ---.Business Dept. CALVIN RACE ......................----------Advertising Dept. L. A. FREEMAN ....................................Circulation Dept. A. F. STEEN ............................... ....... Exchange Dept. GLENN BRILL ..---------........................----- Sales Dept. This number is affectionately dedicated to the number we should have gotten out and didn't,-hence the Back Number. Besides which, we are back from our holidays, so that the Back Number is doubly appropriate. And in the third place,-you know the fellow who never agrees with you; he is the Back Number. There is nothing funny about him,-at least the staff found little; but at least something should be done to com- memmorate him. Hence, once more, the Back Num- ber. Concerning this business of coming out on time, we have always considered that uncertainty was the spice of life. Take the Saturday Evening Post for example; every one knows that it will be on sale every Thursday; certainty takes the place of expectancy, and half the interest is lost. Hence the masterful policy adopted by the Showme in appearing only now and then. We sneak up on our readers as it were; we are upon them before they know it, and too often quite a while after they expect it. We still maintain that what can't be helped is best, and that our policy is masterful. ASSOCIATES EDITORIAL-J. Q. ADAMS, MAX PYLE, SARA SAPER, HERBERT WHEELER. ART-CORDELIA BRUNS, A. E. FRANK, WARREN KRAUSE, DOROTHY ROE, DAN HUGHES, ODELL MYERS, DOROTHY KEENS. ADVERTISING-ROBERT DALMEYER, WILBUR LEWIS. DAVID PATTON, ROBET BALDRY, FRED HANKERSON, JERRY BURKE, SIDNEY BARSON, C. F. BRUTON, HOMER HATTEN. It is a regrettable fact that there are always those among us who never know what it is all about. They think a water-shed is a cabin in the Rockies; they think that savitar is the imperative of the Latin savitare meaning to get your picture tak- en. We wish that some of our livlier brethren could jar them out of their innocuous vacuosity, and make them enjoy life, college, and the world in gen- eral. A good motto for the coming Savitar cam- paign would be "Don't be a moron." The Savitar is your record of your record; it tells what you have done in college, what your friends have done, what your class has done. It not only represents the University to the State and outside it, but will represent it to you in that larger part of your life when you are nothing but an alum- nus. Perhaps you will have to sacrifice something for it, but it will only add to its worth now and later. And remember, "Don't be a moron." With their usual ineffable modesty, the Hum- blest Class has again brought itself before the pub- lic eye. We see by certain recent statements that THE SHOWME for JANUARY there are actually twenty-six independent freshmen in the university,-yes, Oswald, the whole number of twenty-six. This is gratifying; we did not think there were that many, and yet authorities on the subject claim that this is a conservative estimate. Another thing which struck us about the state- ments was the novel way in which they were made. The absolutely original method of painting on the sidewalks and buildings was resorted to; surely, not since the writing on the wall of Solomon's feast chamber has such a means of advertising been tried. It costs less than posters, of course, but then it must be much more work. We suggest a further innovation to the painters-to-be in the way of flower schemes in the stencil; perhaps two and three colors could be managed. A mere glance at the signs is enough to convince anyone that there are almost in- finite possibilities for mural artistry here. In fact, the possibilities are absolutely infinite. To say merely that other colleges have a cer- tain custom, or a certain institution, may or may not be a good rcason for its adoption at Missouri University. Nevertheless, when almost every other college has some sort of a class dance during tthe year, it seems that Missouri should have one; wh en Junior Proms, Senior Formals ,and other such events are so universally established in other insti- tutions, it would seem that the classes at Missouri are either indifferent to or ignorant of their value. A Senior Formal has been proposed for some time in February. The Senior president, Paul Howard, has appointed a committee to circulate a petition in order to ascertain what support there will be for it. The advantages of such a dance are as numerous as they are obvious. It affords an op- portunity for the members of the Senior class to become acquainted with each other. It would be a dance in the name of the University; it would not be a private enterprise as are the Assemblies, nor would it be in the name of any one campus organ- ization. It would be a University dance for one of the major divisions of the University. It would have for its purpose not the forwarding of sectional interests, but of University interests,-the saints know we have too few of the former and far too many of the latter sort. If the Senior class has any spirit, now is the time to show it. A little about the Y. It seems rather fashion- able to speak of the Y. M. C. A. as a sort of domesti- cated Sunday School, harmless and ever with us. If it is such, it is due to a generally mistaken atti- tude. The Y. M. C. A. has possibilities for good that are really practicable possibilities, and it plans soon to start making them realities. The first thing needed is money, and a campaign for voluntary sub- scriptions is under way. At almost every other uni- versity in the valley there is a paid secretary and five or six student secretaries; membership in the Y. M. C. A. is taken almost as a matter of course because the Y. M. C. A. is so integral a part of the university life. There is no reason, if the thing is looked at in the right spirit, why the Y. M. C. A. here cannot take the same place. A voluntary subscription campaign should be a challenge, a standing challenge. M. U. cannot afford to let it go by. One stude: "What would happen if I jumped off the top of this building, to the cement walk two hundred feet b'elow?" Too stewed: "The University wouldst absholutely expel yoush." 14 THE SHOWME for JANUARY A COLLEGE SONATA IN C MAJOR Air Arranged for by the Discipline Committee 1st Movement College 2nd Movement Coin 3rd Movement Car 4th Movement Co-ed 5th Movement Couple 6th Movement Caught 7th Movement Canned THAT FRESHMAN (Dammer) I taught her everything I knew, And all I'd heard about. Oh that was quite a line I threw; In fact it made her shout. And she was all my heart could wish, She filled me to the brim; But novx she has some other fish, And does "the same for him. France has an unusually well-trained army, but we wonder if it can go through with, "To the Ruhr, march," and not mess things up generally. PUBLISHER'S NOTICES As They Should Have Been Written Life of Johnson By James Boswell This is the startling revelation of the inner de- velopment of a highly-strung, neurotic, and atrabil- iar temperament. The complex reactibns of a com- plex nature upon a complex society are narrated with faithful fidelity. The style is breezy, almost jocular, though not too breezy to do the subject full justice. Mr. Johnson himself would have been .proud of himself as here portrayed, something which cannot be said for all biographies. (The Broadside Press, $1.75) Paradise Lost By John Milton Once in a lifetime a masterpiece is written. Mr. Milton, one of our lesser known writers has brilliantly achieved this distinction in "Paradise Lost". Throughout the poem Mr. Milton's figures compel and impress because of their haunting beauty, a feature that few epics have shown this season. At times "Paradise Lost" lilts along with a lyric swing that literally sings itself. Again the poem is dignified and at times almost majestic. The ability to weave an entertaining narrative into a poem is possessed by few men. "Pa.adise Lost" bears out the promise of Mr. Milton's earlier works and places him at once in the front rank of our modern poets. (Special pirated edition, Scavenger & Co., in pam- phlet form, $.75) Antony and Cleopatra. (Anonymous) She lay in Marc Antony's arms! She stroked Julius Caesar's whiskers! She sat on Octavious' kfiee! She helped undress and put to bed the drunken Lepidus! Piquantly frank are the amazing revelations contained in "Antony and Cleopatra" which has just been published anonymously. Spec- ulation is rife as to the identity of the author. It is rumored in publisher's circles, however, that it is a woman and that she is a member of the nobility. Guesses ranging over all the possible writers of the day have been made, including such well known men as William Shakespeare. Nothing that has ever been published is quite so unconventional, so delightfully dainty and deliciously daring as this THE SHOWME for JANUARY 15 remarkable document of life among the royalty, as told by the premiere princess of professional petters. An added attraction lies in the fact that it has been twice suppressed. This edition gives the read- er an opportunity of buying a harmless, expurgated edition. (Published by the Sinn Fein Review, Dublin. Leather bound, $5.00) Pilgrim's Progress. By Convict 4377 (John Bunyan) The season's most sensational, daring and un- conventional novel. The author, a convict im- prisoned in one of our most densly populated pen- itentiaries, is a notorious radical. "Pilgrim's Prog- ress" is frankly inconoclastic in theme, style and subject matter. In his new novel, Mr. Bunyan (or Convict 4377) has stripped away the veil of sham that exists in certain religious circles, and has turned the full blast of his satiric cynicism up- on us hypocrites. In the glaring light of his daring portrayal we stand shivering and naked, bereft of our smug veneer of sanctimoniousness. Whether or not you agree with the author of this magnificent masterpiece, which is bound to be widely sold, and just as widely read and discussed, you will want to purchase it. "Fully as good as 'Patience Worth' ", says the Puritan Review. "Better even than 'Midsummer Night's Dream' " chirps a reviewer in the Cromwellian. The Fairie Queen. By Edmund Spenser A fantastic fairy story which your children are sure to love. The story of the Red Cross Knight is one which will be repeated at firesides wherever such tales as the "Bedtime Stories" are popular. In the author's usual entertaining- vein, it would make a delightful Christmas or birthday present. Chris Marlowe writes: "Good stuff! Would not mind reading it to my own cihldren if I had any." (The Thames Publishing House, $1.75; illustrated, $2.00) Heredity and Environment. Ferdie's father was a fireman; That's the reason, I suppose, That Ferdie, while at college, Took a fancy to the hose. No, darl-ing, the girl did not forget to take her nap-kin off. This is an i-di-o-tic whim of Dame Fash-ion. The girl is not ad-ver-tis-ing chili or Mex- i-can oil stocks, or a rough-rid-ing con-test. This is a .hor-ri-ble after-math of Peon Pants which some of the Boys wore. The girls did not wear Peon Pants, but re-venged them-selves by com-ing out with These Damn Things. They are said to be Cute; some even claim that they are No-vel; but no one says that they are Useful. The il-lus-tra-tion shows one of the Vic-tims won- der-ing how man-y peo-ple are look-ing at her. Pesimitis. Merry Christmas! . ! What is it but wax, And red toys, Sticky mistletoe and indigestion. Voice (very deep): "There is something about you that I simply can't get away from." 'Nother voice (very sweet) : "Neither. -can .I" 16 THE SHOWME for JANUARY Love Sonnets to Mary Smith I. The while I sonnetize in lofty strain And whang my harp full lustily for you, And muse. in dactyls why thy eyes is blue. Or else immortalize the stabbing pain You give me when you snubbed me down on Main, I'm thinking just to what these charms is diuec Perhaps I'm wrong when I ascribe 'cm to The gods alone. Such hope perhaps is vain. Now it .occurs to me I'd like to know What your cephalic index is, and why; I have a guilty feeling that you owe The beauty that I've wrote comes down from high Olympus mount; to chromosomes! The blow This means to such aesthetic chaps as I. II. Don't think no more of me when I've gone where The birdies sing in one perpetual song If you had wrote this sonnet I'd not care How damned thy fate, and stress that damned word strong. Nay, if you read all this here bunk, gush not For me: heavne not for the pensive sigh. If this here fourteen lines is not forgot, Don't fret yourself,--that there's enough to satisfy. And think not how the angle-worms is park- lug on the parts of my anatomy. They'll park on you when you are stark. It's just as bad for you, you know, as ine. So do not weep at what I'm coming to, Lord knows I would not shed a drop for you. The only New Year's resolution that has not been broken yet: "No. 1. I am not going to overwork during 1923." Library attendant: "What's the meaning of all this noise ?" Stalling student (sotto voce) : "I'listory's repeat- ing itself." A Drama In Five Drams GORE AND GRAVEL (Not A Motion Picture) We quote from the Showme's dramatic critic: Although the scenery and cast were rotten, the atmosphere and box receipts were splendid. In our fear of hurting the feelings of our subscribers, we would-say that although there were hundreds of blunders and inconsist- encies, we were entranced with the professional acting of the principals and minor characters alike. We liked especially the groan off stage in the fifth act, and the cheers of the mob in the second. We do not like to be squeam- ish, but the immorality was awful; that, however, was not the fault of our wonderful players but of the author, Mr. Blastit Ibez, SPECIAL DANCING FEATURE-St. Vitus sisters, impersonating Grace and Beauty. SPECIAL SONG FEATURE-"Gore and Gravel I'm in Love With You." THE SHOWME for JANUARY 17 BACK NUMBERS AGNES: Agnes, after several years' debate, has finally decided to bob her hair. The family have continually decided oth- erwise, but Ma's gone down for the count of ten, and Pa's gone down cellar for the count of six (drinks). Per- haps the result has a cause? Agnes has just finished read- ing "The Shiek". HENRY: Will smoke cigarettes when he's twenty-one. Tho he's a Real Student he drinks tea and can certainly do the Mili- tary Walk. He has just bought himself a new pair of workman's corduroy trous- ers and had the tailor put a gusset of buff kid in the bot- tom of them, in spite of the fact that High School kids discarded this: style last spring. He uses such modern ejaculations as "You tell 'em," and "I'll tell the world!" RANDOLPH: Has at last decided that Coco ,Colas don't hurt any- one, if not drunk regularly. One gets to depnd on them that way, "don't you know?" He's getting an awful THRILL out of his first one. And don't you know-He had a glass of Mulberry wine dur- ing Christmas week! Ran- dolph will appear in a new norfolk suit next spring, too. PROFESSOR GOOP: Has decided that it is time- ly for him to tell his peren- nial joke about the negro par- son and his black congrega- tion. MARCIA: Now that they have been worn for the past three sea- sons ,and now that flapper styles have passed; Marcia has decided to wear galoshes. Last season they. were "SO, common". She never likes to wear common things-she's original. Perhaps next sea- son she will unravel and fringe the edge of her skirt. ALEXANDER: Alexander was graduated from a Military school-he doesn't know that the war is over. Girls admire a uniform so much, you know! He isn't passe-it's just the Red Blood in his veins. He holds the inter-collegiate record for wearing his uniform on more dates than any other man in the U. He has won his "but- tons" too! THE SHOWME for JANUARY The College Cut-up. STANDARD EXCUSES FOR ALL OCCASIONS (The sole gage for measuring the value of an ex- cuse is its endurance and stability. These excuses have thoroughly stood the test of centuries' exper- ience and for that reason we guarantee them. We will pay fifty (50) million rubles to all or any per- sons for whom these excuses fail.) For returning late from any car ride- "Oh, girls, we had the most terrible time .... a blowout and it took the longest time to fix it, and we got stalled in the mud, and we went in, the ditch, and I got out to help him, and-but look at my clothes--absolutely ruined by mud!" For failing to turn in that term paper on the day that it's due- "I'm awfully sorry, Professor, but I just can't get that paper in today. You see our house burned last night. No, I didn't lose any clothes. Yes, saved everything except my notes." For failing to pledge a frat- "No, I'm not a Greek. Don't care for society at all. Oh, I'm not saying anything against frats. They're all right if you like that sort of thing. I don't. Oh sure, of course I could have pledged any of 'em -that I wanted to, but-" etc. For failing to secure a date for the year's biggest dance- "No, I'm not going this year. I don't care at all for the dance, but-well, everybody will be there of course-that is everybody that is anybody. You see I went last year, and know how it is. Oh, I didn't want to go anyway, but-a fellow called me up last night and begged-yes, just simply begged me to go with him, but I wouldn't think of it. Be- sides, I have just loads of work to do." For refusing a date- "I'm awfully sorry, Bill, I'd sure like to go, you know I would, but I'm sick, really I am. I've been in bed all day. Nothing serious. Besides I've got a guest, a girl from home and you know what that means. And then there's our sorority exams, they come Thursday and I've gotta lotta work to do for them. But thanks ever so much for asking me any- way, Bill." Upon receiving another rejection slip froma a magazine- "No, I haven't published anything yet. It's sure hard for a new man to break in, you understand; prejudice and all that sort of thing. Magazine editors are very conservative, anyway. I'm not. That's just the point. My stories wouldn't be appreciated by the mob anyway, the mass of readers." For flunking a course- "Had it in for me from the very first. I was the only one in the class who wasn't afraid to argue with him. Made him sore as hell because I wouldn't agree with everything he said. No chance for any original thought here at all. Grades don't mean anything to me, though." FAMOUS BEARS skin. Teddy foot dancer. Grizzly -ly' got by. - el of hooch. --- y me not on the lone prairie. (Cozy special). I cant - him,, (her). THE SHOWME for JANUARY 19 You remember the time you only had two dollars and you made a date for the dance and when you called the taxi she wasn't ready and you had to keep the taxi waiting an hour, Then when you got to the dance the chauffeur said a dollar and a half. And you tried feebly to convince him that it wasn't worth that much to wait a little while. And he crushed your arguments with silent contempt. And just as you paid him and went into the Tavern, wondering what in the deuce to do, you saw a fellow you knew and touched him for a five. And got it. You remember that? You do? YOU LIE LIKE A RUG!!!!! My mind is so Irresponsible. When I require it to Fasten on the words of a Venerable man, It considers only His straggly whiskers, Twitching in the sunshine. Teacher: "Johnny, use Idaho in a sentence." Johnny: "Idaho lot rather answer some other question." If You've Read the Book, Don't Worry. The author himself would not recognize our version of GORE AND GRAVEL (Not a motion picture) Beware of the imitation "Goo and Gumbo". A mere parody would spoil your taste for the original. Excerpt from third act. Enter Gallardo right with bull fighting instru- ments. Enter bull left. Gallardo: Aha! I am a fierce bull-fighter. I have you in my power! Bull: Gr-r-r-r-r-rr. Exit Gallardo right. The N. Y. Evening Reviewer says that this is one of the most dramatic exits ever staged. It is one of the few remaining original passages written by the author of "Our Mare." Just in Passing- "Why did I-h'lo-why'd I change from blonde -h'lo there-well the good dye young-wharya- dye young, y'know-hi, there-was the test hard, ya say-h'lo, see ya at the house, my dear-was it hard, say-hello-the test of Time has nothing- -howryou--had nothing on it-howdyado p'fessor -and they say he was arrested-h'lo-arrested and tried-yes, my dear-wharya, there-yes, tried and found wanting-'M all right, howryou-yeah, want- ing in cash, and he was convicted of herpicide-h'lo -convicted of herpicide on three counts-howdy- yessir, and now he's gone-why my dear, I didn't know ya were back-and she told him she didn't want anyone around-howrya-and he told her to eat onions, yes he did, kid, cause-h'lo, don't for- get next Friday-cause an onion a day keeps every- one away-O hello-and my dear, the skirt she wore showed her-h'lo-showed her-all right, howzeev- erything thyou--showed her usual bad taste, but my dear, he was the worst you ever saw-slovely day, iznit-he had his arm-jusfine, thanks-yes, all the time he had his arm-howdyado-and it made her perfectly furious-h'lo-yes all the time he had his army clothes on-hwarya-" She (who has been dabbling in Freud): "Fred, dear, what is an inferiority complex?" He: "It's the feeling you have, when, while dancing, you discover that one of your garters is missing." THE SHOWME for JANUARY BOOKS If you read the book reviews and lie with discretion you can get by anywhere.-George Ade. Jurgen JAMES BRANCH CABELL, McBride and Com- pany, $2.50 Frank, where frankness is desirable, real, hum- orous, and above all, personal, stands forth Jurgen in his shirt of many colors to take his long harassed position in our literature. Beginning his life in better society, Jurgen is forced to seek his fortune at an early age and we find him, first and last, a pawn-broker at forty. He asserts that he is a.'very clever fellow' and is often successful in convincing us of that fact. In the beginning he fortunately strikes up an acquaint- ance with a fellow in black who proves to be none other than the Devil himself. His adventures lead him into many interesting situations, not the least of which is his friendship with Princess Guinivere who is soon to become the wife of Arthur of Britain. This friend- ship is terminated by a series of secret meetings throughout which Jurgen is heroically determined to deal fairly with Guinivere. True, he is some troubled by a shadow. "But," says he, "now I have noticed that every woman is most truly herself in the dark."- then Jurgen blew out the tall candles; and then it was quite dark-and there were no shadows there! D. P. Love Conquers All ROBERT BENCHLEY, Holt and Co., $2.00 The dramatic editor of "Life" takes a razz at a:lmost everything- 'ii tthe Way of contemporary writing in "Love Conquers All." Careful rules for watching auction bridge are laid down; instruc- tions for watching a chess game, how to read the funny papers, the increase in bigamy, how to un- derstand international finance, the disheartening prospect for American family life if the realistic novelists speak the truth-these are a few of the diverse and diverting topics covered. If Benchley were a profound philosopher in- stead of a mere humorist, we would say that the following passage was a bit of illuminating obser- "Is he dumb?" "Dumb? Why, he's so dumb that he wears gloves when he plays the piano so he won't wake the baby." THE SHOWME for JANUARY 21 DANCING at the Colonial Tea & Gift Shop Every Saturday 3 to 8 p. m. Music by Colonial Novelty Orchestra A cover charge of 25 cents for each person. vation: "The Holidays . . . are the only chance the janitors of the schools and colleges have to soak the halls with oil to catch the dust of the next semester, and while this is being done there is noth- ing to do with the students but to send them home for a week or two. Thus it happened that the term 'holidays' is applied to that period of the year when everybody else is working just twice as hard and twice as long during the week to make up for that precious day which must be lost to the Sales Cam- paign. . . . In general, it takes about a month or two of good, hard schooling and overstudy to put the child back on its feet after the Christmas rest at home . . . . . Which leads us to the conclusion that our educational system is all wrong." Incidentally, Benchley says that "Jurgen" is simply "Mr. James Branch Cabell's quaint way of telling a raw story, and it isn't particularly his own way either." Women (Men) I Am Not Married To FRANKLIN ADAMS and DOROTHY PARKER, McMillan, $ .75. Here are the foibles of awkward courtship. Here are the humorous twists' of distinctly non- LUCKY STRIKE CIGARETTE It's toasted This one extra process gives a delightful qualitythat cannot be duplicated Guaranteed by The American Tobacco Co Incorporated THE SHOWME for JANUARY The Bank of STRENGTH CHARACTER SERVICE Boone County National Bank R. B. Price, Pres. 66th year in business. The Varsity by Croful & Knapp The first of the 1923 C & K's Just a step in advance of the season- more style-more quality-more wear and satisfaction. The name guaran- tees it. '5 New Caps too. Sand B Clo. Co. Sykes E Broadhead humorous situations. All the possible conquests, all the might-have-beens, all the runners-up in the mat- rimonial game, are paraded unmercifully. Most collegians should enjoy it-so many of them have large numbers of conquests of their own. Euclid's Outline of Sex WILBUR BIRDWOOD, Holt and Co. $1.75 We have had our history and our science mas- terfully outlined. Now comes the key to most mod- ern novels, an indispensible handbook to the would- be intelligent reader, "Euclid's Outline of Sex," by Wilbur Birdwood. He proves conclusively that "Euclid, to put it bluntly, reeks with sex . . . In no writer of ancient or modern times with the possible exception of Wentworth and Smith, does the theme of the Eter- nal Triangle run so persistently as in Euclid." Prof. Birdwood proceeds to discuss Euclid's complex for his maternal grandmother, the Oedipus in all of us, the meaning of the dotted line and the string of as- terisks, these and other tender topics are handled delicately and completely by the author. It could THE SHOWME for JANUARY 23 Dear Girls: The "Showme' says Show Me! So we are prepared to show you all sorts of hats! So the "Showme' declares. Will you listen to "Showme" and let us show you the smartest of hats you can wear at Old Mizzou? Lovingly, AUNT ALICE and INABEL well be advertised under that more or less familiar legend, "Secrets Every Reader Should Know." Those who liked "The Shiek" and "Simon Called Peter" will probably take it seriously. Others will enjoy it. Happy Blue Year. The Able-bodied men who used to raise Cain on New Year's Eve didn't do Adam thing this year. SEE PLATT for Anything Electrical 17 South Ninth Phone 829 Soft Water Shampoos Parsons Sisters Beauty Parlors 1005 Broadway Phone 795 "Mother May We Have More?" What of? Central Dairy Ice Cream THE SHOWME for JANUARY Did You Know? That Solomon Prized his POOL Above all the Other parts of his Palace? But-- Solomon had Nothing on Us. Here's the Best POOL In town at The RECREATION PARLOR Anent the "Copperhead" Reports to the effect that in order to se- cure a lead it had become necessary to change the title to Bull-Snake are without foundation. The first scene opens in a swamp where the hero is discovered sunning himself on a log. Although the villain is low- down, the hero, a quiet individual who speaks with a lisp, manages to wriggle out of several disagreeable situations. And of course the ideal setting must be a place of quietude with luxuriant sur- roundings. Just say PALMS Varsity Dramatic Headquarters A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY United we stand for lots of things; divided, we stall. "Have you heard the story about the noise out at the stable?" - No." ...It's the horse's nickers," LANGLEY'S FIRST MODEL IN FLIGHT "The way of an Eagle in the air" C ENTURY after century men broke their necks trying to fly. They had not troubled to discover what Solomon called "the way of an eagle in the air." In 1891 came Samuel Pierpont Langley, secretary of the Smith- sonian Institution. He wanted facts. His first step was to whirl flat surfaces in the air, to measure the air pressures required to sus- tain these surfaces in motion and to study the swirls and currents of the air itself. Finally, in 1896, he built a small steam-driven model which flew three-quarters of a mile. With a Congressional appro- priation of $5o,ooo Langley built a large man-carrying machine. Be- cause it was improperly launched, it dropped into the Potomac River. Years later, Glenn Curtiss flew it at Hammondsport, New York. Congress regarded Langley's attempt not as a scientific experi- ment but as a sad fiasco and refused to encourage him further. He died a disappointed man. Langley's scientific study which ultimately gave us the airplane seemed unimportant in 1896. Whole newspaper pages were given up to the sixteen-to-one ratio of silver to gold. "Sixteen-to-one" is dead polit- ically. Thousands of airplanes cleave the air-airplanes built with the knowledge that Langley acquired. In this work the Laboratories of the General Electric Company played their part. They aided in developing the "supercharger," whereby an engine may be sup- plied with the air that it needs for combustion at altitudes of four miles and more. Getting the facts first, the Langley method, made the achievement possible. What is expedient or important today may be forgotten tomorrow. The spirit of scientific research and its achievements endure. General Electric Company General Office Schenectady, N.Y Gordon The Arrow Shirt The attached collar on the Gordon is designed and made by the experts who make the famous Arrow Collars. It fits and sits faultlessly. The body patterns are accurate, assuring a garment that fits comfortably. The Oxford is a special quality; it stays white, is mercerized and very durable-an absorbent fabric that is ideal for athletics. $3.00 Cluett, Peabody & Co., Inc.Makers