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Outlaw October, 1924; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1924

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The Outlaw University of Missouri Her Number One Shilling (Two Bits) Barnum Said there was one born every minute, and you will be in that bunch if you miss the "Show Shop" GIVEN BY THE Missouri Workshop ON NOVEMBER 5th and 6th AT THE UNIVERSITY AUDITORIUM Season Tickets $4.00 Admittance for Four Big Dramas THE OUTLAW When Jolly Good Fellows Get Together Addison Simms, John Doe and Hal Tosis "We have bought our subscriptions to the Outlaw and so we get our pictures in the magazine, tee hee," say these three jolly good fellows who are seen resting in the trees while the old ladies do the washing. Several copies of the Outlaw may be seen reclining behind the ship in thie foreground. Buy a Subscription and try to get Your Picture in the Magazine. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW Victor Barth Clothing Co. CAMPUS TAILORING CO. Mutt: Why haven't you bought your Outlaw? Butt: I can't read and I refuse to use it any other way. 2 "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW THE MISSOURI STORES Are THE STUDENTS' STORES. College Humor Pluto, the great mover, says: Many an angel becomes a little devilish when mother leaves the room. It's often the fast girl that gets caught. It's an easy matter to pass the time with a girl that wears a garter watch. You can't get honey without getting stung. We know that it cannot was and that is why she ain't. The undertaker received an undertaking that he could not undertake. Whereupon the undertaker's undertaker undertook to undertake the undertaker that the undertaker did not undertake. After the undertaker's undertaker had undertaken the under- taking he found the undertaking too much to un- dertake, so the undertaker's undertaker called the undertaker and he undertook the undertaking that the undertaker's undertaker could not undertake. LAMP: Is'nt that female a mean dresser? POST: I dunno; I never did watch her. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" 3 THE OUTLAW THE PALMS ALMOST A VARSITY INSTITUTION PARSONS' SISTERS A florist, falling for a dame, Beguiled the passing hours By bursting into verbal flame And saying it with flowers. 'Your rosy cheek," he said, "I seek To shelter from all harm; And if you'll say the word you may Become my spotted palm." A broker, pining at the feet Of one he longed to wed, Employed the language of the Street And to his lady said: "Your stock, for me, will always be At par or far beyond, Should you and I together, buy A matrimonial bond." -George S. Chappell. HERE IS SOMETHING NEW IN ANATOMY. At a recent divorce case Mrs. Jones told the court that her husband hit her in the bakery and broke her gas range. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW -And Next Month Home Coming Number Football--- Old Grads-- OUTLAW A raft of humor concerning the predominating college sport that will place the Out- law another notch higher in your estimation. The Staff, it seems cannot view foot- ball in a serious manner, so we have let them run wild. Artists, cannot draw a hand- some picture of the Old Grad, as you will notice in the Homecoming Number. But the drawings and jokes concerning this manhandled creature are worth the ad- mission fee alone. It's Better Than a Hosiery Ad HOMECOMING NUMBER On Sale HOMECOMING "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW A NIGHT AT OLD MISSOU IN EARLY FALL (With apologies to the best of columnysts from the worst) START for the library. Don't get there. Some- thing else happens. A black and gold top freshman tears down the street. A mob of Sophs whanging away after him. See Tommy on the other side of the street. He was pulling a mean date. The Ags start hollering for the hogs to come grunt- ing home. That's right, it is Wednesday. I finally hit The Palms. A date or so in the booths. Am invited to have a coke. Turn it down. The or- chestry files in many minutes late. Sandow looks angry. I leave. The boys in front of Johnny Paul's have a to- bacco spitting contest on. Johnny wins the asbestos ice cream freezer. I look on. Am invited to par- ticipate. Decline. A few dates inside. About HARRIS' show time, everybody starts moving towards town. Library looks deserted. A flivver flys by, an Ag on the running board yelling. More yells from the Ag campus. The farmers must be teaching their city freshmen how to call the hogs. I ride up town with a friend on the back tire of a flattened-out Ford. Up at Booches the electric pi- ano's playing. Cost some sucker a nickel. The click of balls. A few pikers hang around in front of Harris'. Some talk of football. Missouri's bound to win. "Rock Chalk Dead Hawk," some birds pipe- up. I get tired; move on. Shoot a couple games of pool and am fruited. Start home and the show lets out. Every body there. Finally arrive home. Throw books in the corner. Yawn and decide it's too hot to study. Go to sleep. God only knows when I'll wake up. Lever Arms Co. Piggly Wiggly THE OUTLAW Choose Your Own Instrument and Learn to Write at Home in This Quick Easy Way. No tedious exercise, no diet. No practice, no nothing! You will be a hit in any gathering. Yet you are getting a thorough education free of charge. In less than three months you will be able to expectorate on the floor with case and ex- pression. Just sit down and write a joke or arti- cle for THE OUTLAW and then call the Editor. PHONE 1944 DO IT NOW! DO IT NOW! "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW MILANO Marinello Beauty Parlor. DORN-CLONEY Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Millers SCOTCH WOOLEN MILLS OCTOBER OUTLAW HER NUMBER "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" Outlaw- University of Missouri Application pending for entrance to the mails at special rate of postage. STAFF Editor Business Manager Art Editor CLAUDE H. BINYON JAMES H. NASH EARL McFARLAND Associate Editor Associate Editor EDWARD D. McCLUSKEY A. FRANK GREENHALL Editorial Assistants Art Associates AL POTTER FRANK GILL KENNETH LANKFORD DOROTHY LEE BROWN BOB HAIRE Publicity DONALD W. REYNOLDS Advertising Circulation Local Sales PAULINE STONER CARL RICHARDSON SCHUYLER WHEELER THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the College year by students of the University of Mis- souri. Subscription price is $1.50 for the full year. Office situated at 12 South Seventh Street. Address all communications and contributions to THE OUTLAW, P. 0. Box 377, Columbia, Mo. Volume I. OCTOBER, 1924. Number 2 EDITORIALS. WITH this issue THE OUTLAW takes the opportunity to doff his derby, and in other ways to pay his respects "to the ladies. "The ladies"-we like to linger over the words. If we could only say all we wished to say about them, it would fill many OUTLAWS, and some of the pages would have to be made from asbestos. Even then, we wouldn't have said every tling. No, we even admit that we don't know all about them-We learn though. Anyway, we are always open to conviction, and so we wouldj make it known that our office boy is instructed to always admit any charming young uady who wishes to enter the editorial sanctum (Kindly check hat-pins at door.) But to continue: This issue is devoted to girls. So are we. Even in spite of the devastation they wreak upon our heart and pocketbook. No, we won't give you her phone number. Even since peo- ple have been able to write, they have used up much stationery on this subject. And so THE OUTLAW follows suit, treading in the footsteps of Shakespeare, Byron, and Dean Priddy. 10 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER OUTLAW Last year saw the establishment at Missouri of the School of Fine Arts. With this we are per- haps coming back to our true ideal of a college, which we shall touch upon in this editorial. It is a step away from the merely utilitarian subjects and is an approach to the more refined and cultured. The School of Arts and Sciences should be exactly what its name implies. The best of the old established schools adhere strictly, for the most part, to the traditional subjects of Greek, Latin, Mathematics, History, Philosophy and the like. Unfortunately, this University has strayed from the straight and narrow path andi has not insisted on these subjects, exempting a student from taking them, if he wishes, by virtue of his having had them.in high school. While we would not disparage the secondary schools of the state, still we are prone to consider them perhaps not as adequate to teach these subjects as the college. Or it would be better perhaps to say that the students' mind and attitude at this period are not at the stage where he can fully ap- preciate these subjects, or at least, not at the point where he can afford to relinquish his study of them. We have listened too much to those, who forgetting the training of the mind and the senses of appreciation have declared the above mentioned subjects of little value, in that they do not have a direct use. The College of Arts and Sciences has departed from the classical standard. The other colleges of the University with the exception of the School of Fine Arts, are devoted to studies that train the student for a vocation. The two years of Arts and Science work that is taken before entering Commerce, Law, or Medicine are not sufficient to hurt the student. Indeed we would find ourselves without a -school in which one might be free from worldly and material things, were it not for the School of Fine Arts. True, it does not teach those subjects we have mentioned; that is not within its province, but neither does it intersperse its classical subjects with others which are decidedly not of that character. The School of Fine Arts is typical of its name. It fulfills a long felt want. There is no need to enthuse over the muses. Their praises have been sung before. But they are neglected in a modern age. It is a pleasure to see them recognized and brought back into their own again. "In those good old college days," during which so much of what is now tradition sprung up, the Glee Club played an important part. It is associated inseparably in the memory with Proms, Football Games, Commencements, and other outstanding features of college life. People look back with a good deal of fondness at those days. The strain of an old song brings them to mind. To belong to the Glee Club in those days meant more than it does now. And, correspondingly, the Glee Club meant more to a college than it does today. It was close to the heart of the school. For it did not sing songs that were beyond its sphere, but was content with the simple selections that we all love, American folk songs that we will never tire of, pieces that were known as college songs, and the pop- ular music of the day. It remained for one of the most famous clubs to break away from the standard. The Harvard Glee Club's repertoire is composed of what is called "classical stuff.'" Those who have heard them sing these songs cannot deny that they render them in a superb manner, but one does not come away feeling that they have heard that which they came to hear-a College Glee Club. Similarily with our own Glee Club of the University of Missouri. The songs that they gave last year were of the type just mentioned. Both their audiences at the Home Concert, and on the trip were unanimous in declaring that the singing was excellent, but that the selections were not what a college glee club was expected to sing, nor were they songs that they had wished to hear. It would be folly to dispute the worth of the classical music as opposed to that of lighter strain, but let the former be given by the University Chorus, whose splendid concert was heard last spring, and let the latter be given by the Glee Club. We do not wish to be thought too radical, we do not ask for jazz, although it forms a great part of the popular music of the day. No, we simply ask that the Glee Club return to the old traditional standards,, to the plantation melodies that are dear to us, to the sentimental songs, which we still sing when we are gathered around the piano, to the college songs that will never grow old, and to perhaps a few numbers of popular music, presented in a novel manner. This we believe is what the students want, and what the audiences want-a real College Glee Club. We do not mean in any way to belittle the work that our musical organization has done. We applaud its past performances, and we look with anticipation toward its future ones. We are its hearty sup. porters. This is merely a plea for a return to the true College Glee Club. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 11 OUTLAW OCTOBER A MERE GIRL PLAYS HAVOC WITH THE PROFESSOR IN . IF one overlooked the fact that Helen drove her own car, was the prettiest girl on the campus, swore in a soft southern accent, and was not averse to going on moderate sprees with the right sort of men, it would be hard to account for her popular- ity. Helen's father had moved to Virginia from Paris and had married a beautiful but retiring damsel who had since lived in perpetual perplexity over her husband's Saturday night sprees. Helen, the mother said, took after her father. And more than one fellow who had sat under the moon with Helen and had listened with ears that tried to understand the French love phrases, had said with calflike devotion in his eyes that she was a little wild. On the other hand and four blocks down the street, lived Professor Cranberry, instructor in Latin and husband of Mrs. Cranberry. Misses Cranberry was anatomically constructed similar to, and about three times as large as a depot stove, with temper to match. She had the Professor so trained that his wildest diversion was to watch the automo- biles go by. A few days before the night of Helen's sorority dance the Professor received a note asking Profes- sor Cranberry and wife to attend the festival in the roles of chaperones. The reply stated that Mrs. Cranberry and husband would be pleased to attend. Which goes to show. The night of the big dance found the Professor and his wife fully dressed in their home. Mrs. Cranberry was standing before the professor with her fists-not hands-resting upon her mammoth hips. "Now Philbert," she bellowed, "whatever you do, don't make a fool of yourself. Every time you get in a crowd of more than three people you seem to think that you're the only clown in a five ring circus." "Yes, mam," sighed Cranberry. "Remember that you have a reputation to uphold among the people who don't know you as well as I do." "Yes, mam," sighed the Professor. "My God,, can't you say anything besides, 'Yes, mam'?" "Put yourself in my place and reconsider that 12. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER OUTLAW He: Were you. ever interested in automobiles. She: Just ask the boys. question," murmurred Cranberry. "Shut up!" "Yes, mam." Helen was getting the grandest rush of the sea- son at the dance. The stags were following her four abreast and her date had given up in disgust and had gone home to bed. A rush like that nat- urally makes a girl feel good, so after a while Helen looked about the room to watch the people point at her. And then she espied Professor Cran- berry. "Oh, look at that Professor Cranberry looking so sad next to that grotesque wife of his!" she cried. "I'm going over and ask him to dance with me." Her partner took a swig of gin and called for his hat and coat as Helen ran over to the Profes- sor. "Professor Cranberry, may I have just one dance with you?" Helen pleaded, with a downward swoop of her eyelashes. The Professor received a kick from his wife's side. "Yes, mam," he sighed, and received a second kick. "I mean N-." But Helen had dragged him out on the floor and had placed her left hand upon his shoulder. "We're off," she murmured, and Cran- berry taking care not to look toward his storm woman, mumbled a feeble protest and\ began to dance somewhat jerkily. The music was good. Darned good, in fact, If the professor had gone out nights more he would have called it "hot." There was a steady rythm about it, and a moaning undertone that soon took the jerk out of the professor's step. He knew that .he should have been worrying about what his wife would say, but he was not. The girl pressed closer to him and the Professor's eyes dimmed somewhat. Helen steered him into the darkened palm room and then stopped with a laugh. She drew a small flasks from somewhere about her undergarments. "Professor," she laughed, "I know that I shouldn't do this, but anyone can see that you're a sport." "You're darn right," said Cranberry in a queer falsetto. "Well, here's to you!" and she lifted the bottle to her lips. "And here's to you!" the Professor squeaked as she handed the flask to little Cranberry. He gur- gled the liquor down like a man. A few minutes later Mrs. Cranberry saw her husband dancing about the floor lovingly draped about the pretty Helen. Her face grew purple and she rose and strode violently toward the couple. She grabbed Philbert and turned him about. (Continued on page 20) Kilkat: That memory course is no good. Kildog: Why not? Kilkat: It says to pick a word that rhymes with the word that you want to remember. Kildog: Yes? Kilkat: I started one morning to look for a fel- low named Slummock and in five minutes I thought I was looking for Kelly. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 13 OUTLAW OCTOBER Here's Something Women Have Always Craved A WARM KNIGHT INTERVIEWED IN HIS BOUDOIR. By PERCY DOVETAIL IN ALL TRUTH I must state that I advanced upon the boudoir of Otto Sledgehammer, the Cam- pus Hot Daddy, with a great deal of precipitation. Here was a man whose name was as familiar to women as the fire escape in the rear of their house. Every time his name was mentioned it was accom- panied by a prayer for another date just like the last one. You can understand how I felt. I knocked on the door. Otto came out attired in a butler's coat. "I'd like to see Mr. Sledgeham- mer," I said. I was regaining my lost composure, and I almost believe that I could have accompanied my request with a slithering sneer if I had so de- sired. "Mr. Sledgehammer is unengaged at present so I guess you can see him," Otto said. We entered his room and Otto took off his butler coat and don- ned a violent purple silk robe. Then he reclined in a huge chair and beetled his brow at me. I beetled my brow back at him. "I am interviewing you for the press," I said, "and I want to know just why you are so popular with the women." Otto giggled. "Have you no- ticed it too?" he asked. I restrained from assault- ing him by holding both my hands. "Well," said Otto, "I don't know why it is my- self," but maybe you can tell why by looking at me." "No, I can't." I replied. "Well, I don't know why it is but-." Otto halted and groped nervously about his head." Well, I don't know why it-." He looked at me blankly. "Well, I don't know-." I jumped to my feet in a rage. "No, you don't know why," I sneered," and besides that you have a severe case of halitosis, the medical term for rot- ten breath, there is soup on your tie, and your pants look like they contain billiard balls at the knees! Now what in the devil-." The phone rang and Otto grabbed it hurriedly. ."Yes, this Otto. Who?-Mary? Yes,, I'll be over at about eight bells. I don't know why it is, but I'm always on time. Now, listen here Mary, you better show me a good time tonight because I can get a better date if I want to. I don't know why it is but I can get a date with anybody I want to. I don't know why-." I went home to get my jawbone of an ass. I am going to do a little slaying tonight. LIFE'S GREAT PROBLEMS. The wife of the advertising manager of the Blisterine Company discovers to her horror that her husband has at last contracted a severe case of halitosis. She is his closest friend but will she tell? 14 . "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER OUTLAW HER FIRST TRIP ABROAD. Monday-Everybody came down to see me off. Everything is lovely. Tuesday-Am having a fine time. Met the Cap- tain of the ship. Wednesday-Captain made improper proposals to me, which I indignantly refused. Thursday-Captain is wild with anger. He says that unless I consent, he will blow up the ship. Friday-I saved the lives of 500 passengers. I like the girls that paint their lips, And wear their dresses tight., It gives a chap an awful thrill, To watch the movements of their hips That shift from left to right. Here's to all the bob-haired girls, We boys are surely for 'em, Recall the hairnets they used to wear, And how we always tore 'em? She: Is this the first time that you have ever kissed a girl? He: My God! Am I that crude? WITH APOLOGIES She: How much liquor can you drink? He: Any given quantity. IF-- By HELEN If you can act a man when all about you, The boys are acting jelly beans and such, If you can get your neckpin from a girlie, Whose got a rep of not puttin' out much, If you can hold your licker while the others Are heavein' theirs upon the desert sand, If you can do the latest step or whirl Though the floor rocks like the ocean, not the land. If you can take your girlie to a restaurant, When the nickels in your pocket jingle few, Tell her to go ahead and order trufles, Like millionaires and all bootleggers do. And next day send the same old gal some flowers, Though your board bill and your rent is way past due, Then you're a typical easy mark, And I'll shag around with you. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 15 OUTLAW OCTOBER SOME MORE PROHIBITION There are two kinds of men not bothered, by pro- hibition. We refer to those who still have a little, and to those even more fortunate individuals who have a little still. Roses ain't blue, Violets ain't red, A club in the hand Beats two on the head. He: Horseback riding gives me a headache. What does it give you? She: SIR! "Have you ever been out on any wild parties?" "None to speak of." A STUDY IN THE DARK. IT HAD BEEN A WONDERFUL NIGHT. The dance had been hot and the ride after had been tempting to say the least. Of course there were oth- ers along for the ride but now she was going home with him-all alone. She wondered what was running thru his mind was he thinking of the same things she was. She couldn't just decide how he would attempt to take her in his arms. She would resist a little and then yield. It would be much better then. He would think that he was getting away with something. The car slid up in front of the house. He sat motionless for a moment, gazing up at the harvest moon that was threshing thru the heavens. She in- dicated that she wanted to go in the house. He con- sented without any preliminaries. The house was in complete darkness. -What luck she was in tonight. No embarrassing situation in having to blow them out. They were gas lights. They entered on tip-toes. A little tingle went up and down her spine. Wouldn't she have'something to tell the sisters in the morning. "The lights are out and they are gas. I don't know how we are going to light them," she said with a touch of inhibition in her voice. There was complete silence, for a moment. Again she piped up, "It doesn't make any dif- ference." He sighed happily, "Just a minute, I have found a match." 16 'TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER Vignettes By STUVERSANT LESTON HUNTLEY 1. I crushed her slim body To me- How superbly she danced: A gorgeous butterfly-ravishing! Tripping on slivers of Silver-mist . . . rythmical . . . To the sensual moanings Of an over-saxophoned orchestra . . . Her tiny hand clasped mine .. A rose-ivory chin rested Gently on My shoulder. . . Her carmine Lips were held up . ... pleadings . . . And I stepped On the toe Of her Cinderellesque Slipper. . And I mumbled A halting apology; And she said- "Aw hell, youse dukes Aint got the culture We got in Boston. .." ". It was raining. .. And she was alone! I found her in a door-way- A lovely, dripping goddess Shrinking away from The down-pour- A huddled beauty . . . Alone! She was young And her eyes were misty Like the rain-drops; And her hair shamed The nimbus of gold That shrouded each street lIght . . . Gallantly I proffered My umbrella With a sweeping, Chesterfieldian bow . . . But- -Just then a car Drove up .. . It was raining, . . And I was alone! OUTLAW ill. She was ugly . . . Awkward And danced like a left-handed Steam roller running Against traffic On a one-way Street. . . yet- She was the most popular Girl there . . . Others-pretty, charming, Deliciously fair Were left to themselves And to me By all other men there .. . And I had my pick Of the lot . . And I wondered why- But Today I discovered She is a Bootlegger's daughter . . . That's the insidious Thing about it . . . And even my Closest friends Did not tell me .. .! IV. Loveliness .. . A Vision of charm, gracile- She was. And I took her home For the first time Last night . . And We stood in the shadow Festooned hallway And I learned Her lipstick is My favorite flavor And her kisses were Soft . . . sweet-and Flame-tipped . . . And she breathed Heavily- "It's . . . one-thirty . .. You . . .you . . . had . . .better ... G-g-g-o-o--o" So-I did . . . And now She won't speak to me. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 17. OUTLAW THE SWEET MAMAS THESE ARE NOT THE GIRLS THAT MEN FORGET By EDWARD D. McCLUSKEY G is for the "gimmies" that they all develop young; I is for the interest that you pay to get them furs; R is for the Royce that the all expect to have L is for the lov'e they hold for you and I; S is for the slip that they give you by and by. WHEN you put them all together you have just GIRLS, the fascination of the age. We talk about them, we laugh at them at times, we amuse ourselves noticing the vanities that they create, we criticise their aggiessiveness, and deter- mination to make the front line, but after all we love them, everyone of. them, even the dumb ones. Some Women We Don't Particularly Crave OCTOBER But cheer up girls the Prince of Wales likes you, he said so the last time he was over here. The American girls are all alike, that is they are alike in that they have something in common. They are all girls. So are automobiles alike in that they are automobiles. Of course there are the types, just as there are in automobiles. There are some that are a grind on the nerves; others that have a purr like the satisfied cat, when she is petted the right way; still others that refuse to go when you want them to. Some there are that hit on all eight, with power to burn, while others struggle along on one, and sometimes have to be pushed. Now there is the little old-fashioned girl, let's look at her first, because if we don't get her first, she may be gone when we get around to her. You know the kind. Girls, don't you remember your mother putting her up for an example to copy by, and how you hated it. She isn't dumb, but just doesn't know any better. The only kind of a gown she knows is a night gown, and that was one that grandmother had and never wore. Oh, yes, there are a few of these girls left in the world. They are the kind we think of when we say, "God will (Continued on page 26) 18 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER Right: A goat just horned me. Left: Why don't you cut his horns off? Right: Then he'd butt me. Left: Well why-why do you always put me in embar- rassing predicaments? All Things Come to Those Who Wait (A MELLOW MELLODRAMA IN Two DRAMS) Cast of Castoffs. (In Order of Disappearance.) I. Gottlotss, rich enough to get drunk. I. X. Pectlotts, on the detour to wealth. Cosmoline, the parson's daughter. Poor but pure. Al Falfa, raised on a farm. Has a line you could hang clothes on. Bituminous Cole, a negro butler; blacker than the heart of a movie villyun. ACT I. The stage hands run up its curtain, disclosing to the large and enthusiastic audience a street scene in New York. It is well to have at least two or three skunks roaming about the stage. They will add to the atmosphere. Cosmoline, who was formerly the school belle, is to be seen standing in the sitting room. She ap- pears to be waiting for someone. (Wears waiter's costume to denote she is waiting.) Enter Alfalfa in a wagon. Al has to work for a living. He works anytime and anbody he can. He rolls one with Buffalo to denote that he is sav- ing his nickels. Al Falfa-Cossie, my love! Fly to me! Being unable to fly, she runs to him. Al-Me own! OUTLAW He kisses her twice on the front porch. He kisses her again on the cheek. Enter Bituminous Cole-He is smoking, and ap- pears hot under the collar. Al Falfa is shocked. Bituminous Cole (in a fiery manner)-Shall I pitch Al Falfa out the window? Cosmoline-No! Bituminous Cole pitches Al Falfa out as the curtain falls. ACT II same show. Curtain rises to disclose Cosmoline tripping across the stage. (Falls down at least once to de- note that she is tripping.) Enter I. Gottlotts. He uses Polarine on his hair. He is a sheik. (Shakes sand out of his pock- ets to denote he is a sheik.) Enter I. X. Pectlotts. He is not a sheik. (Dis, plays empty pockets to denote he is not a sheik.) I. Gottlotts (turning to Cosmoline)-Will you be mine? I. X. Pecklotts (turning to Cosmoline)-Will you be mine? I. Gottlotts-I got lots. I. X. Pecktlotts-I expect lots. Cosmoline-Help! Help! Enter Bituminous Cole. Cosmoline-Throw them out. Bituminous Cole-Not on your tintype! (This is not original with Bituminous. He has heard it before.) I. Gottlotts-What's the matter, Cole, are you soft? Enter Henrietta Doughnut. She is a vampire. (Lights a Milo Violet to denote she is a vampire.) Henrietta was forgotten in the cast. Realizing this, she immediately exits. Bituminous Cole-Listen! I smell Al Falfa. Al Falfa stalks in. He is a changed man. He has made his fortune. (Tosses the butler $10 to denote he has made his fortune.) Al Falfa-Cosmoline! Cosmoline--Al Falfa! I. Gottlotts-Foiled! (Gnashes teeth to denote that he is foiled.) I. X. Pecktlotts-Foiled! (Tears hair to de- note that he is foiled.) Al Falfa (to Cosmoline)-Will you take a spin in my new Rolls-Royce? (Glances at butler.) I guess we can haul Cole in it, too. They exit, leaving I. Gottlotts and I. X. Pectlotts alone on the stage. They are still foiled, as the curtain fa-naw, it don't either; the blamed thing sticks and won't fall, but you can all go home any- way. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 19 OUTLAW Denny: Where's Mary? Ellen: In bed with tonsilitis. Denny: I say! Boy, to the girl who stayed next door, "I cannot study any more; I know I'll never make my grades, Won't you please pull down your shades?" Open wide the pearly gates, For Michael Q. Maloney, 'Twas just a pint, but the bottle said, "For External Use Only." Here lies the body of Samuel Adair, He called on a woman-her husband was there. Beneath the sod lies Thomas Kife, May his soul be blest, A rolling pin, an angry wife, We'll let you guess the rest. Among the boarding house pests we have known are the guys who get up at five o'clock Sunday morning. "Take that, you scoundrel!" said the warden as he gave the prisoner a cigarette. FIRST MAN-"Speaking of miracles, I've finally seen one with my own eyes." SECOND MAN-"You don't say. Let's have the dope." FIRST MAN-"Well, when I was down town this afternoon, I saw a man turn into a bakery." OCTOBER DANCE MUSIC (Continued from page 13) "Philbert Amos Cranberry," she shrieked. "What do you think you're doing?" Philbert Amos Cranberry straightened and dou- bled his small hands. "Keep offa me!" he shouted. "What in the devil do you think you're doing?" "Why, you little insignif-" "Shut up!" "Why--" "Do I hafta repeat? Shut up!" Mrs. Cranberry cast troubled eyes about her. Helen was trying to control her mirth. "Philbert, dear," murmured Mrs. Cranberry," don't make a scene." "Shut up." "Yes, sir." Philbert's bleary eyes wrinkled in glee. "She said 'Yes sir to me" he shrieked "To me!" He walked unsteadily toward the door. "Philbert, dear, where are you going?" cried Mrs. Cranberry. Professor Philbert Amos Cranberry swayed a moment before the open doorway and then straight- ened his diminutive form to fullest extent. "Damn Latin!" he bellowed. "I'm gonna be a travellin' shalesman!" YOUNG MAN (to preacher)-Are you a preach- er? PREACHER-That is my profession?. YOUNG MAN-You do social service work? PREACHER-I do. YOUNG MAN-You save souls? PREACHER-I do. YOUNG MAN-You save young women? PREACHER-I do. YOUNG MAN-Well then, save me one for Sat- urday night, will you? YOUNG MAN (to clerk in drugstore)-Do you "keep Mary Garden? CLERK-Hell, no. I have a hard time keeping myself on fifteen dollars a week. 20 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER Little Willie had the annoying habit of forget- ting to bring his book to class, and the teacher was quite indignant. "William," said she one day, "What would you think of a doctor who, when he visited his patients, never brought his medicine case with him?" "I'd think he was a chiropractor," answered Wil- lie sweetly. Some men arrived ten minutes later and carried the teacher out. OUTLAW THE GIRLS I love the girls who do, And I love the girls who don't But the best of the girls I love, Is the girl who says she DON'T, but- Just for you I might. Jack and Jill went up the hill And killed a pint of corn; 'Twas mostly wood, I've understood- Gabriel, blow your horn. SHE: I saw you last night at the ball. DEVIL: When? SHE: As I passed out. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 21 OUTLAW PHILIPPE'S JINGLES. O hee! O ho! To M. U. we will go! It rains in flocks, and droves, and herds, Wailing cats, and humming birds. The girls 'pear out in bright-hued slickers, The boys all wear their last year's knickers. We're sure in bad with the the weather pickers. 0 he! 0 hee! Our University! Just who invented this turn-down hat That's worn by the boys both lean and fat? And who invented the wee ribbon bow That the short-haired heads of the girlies show? Who did it? That's all that we want to know. To a college town in the middle west Came a young man with a miraculous vest Of striping of yellow, and purple and tan, The kind just adored by the chic college man. But then came the tragedy-bear up if you can- There came a big rain and the colors all R A N Her First Pin. SOME HOLDUPS HE-"Who was Diana?" SHE-"Diana was the goddess of the chase." HE-"I suppose that's why she always has her picture taken in a track suit." -lack O'Lantern "I met Tom today, Nellie," said Jean. Tom was the man Nellie had refused. "Did you tell him I was married?" asked Nel- lie, eventually. "Yes." "And did he seem sorry?" "Yes, he said he was sorry, although he didn't know the man personally."-Le Sourire de France OCTOBER LOTSA TIME. FRIDO-Good heavens, dear. The clock has just struck three and I promised your mother I'd go at twelve. FIDO (comfortably)-Good, We've got nine hours yet. -Reel "Mother, does the young man next door have a godfather?" "Not that I know of, dear." "Well, that's funny. Last night I heard him having an argument with somebody, and he kept saying, 'My godfather.' " -Black and Blue Jay. "Your advertisement said that at this hotel there is a beautiful view for miles and miles." "So there is. Just put your head out of that win. dow and look up." -Record The professor who comes in ten minutes late iN very scarce. In fact, he is in a class by himself. -Purple Parrot THIS IS NOT ORIGINAL. Someone read somewhere about a man who gave ticket agent at.the depot thirty cents for a ticket to Chicago. "You can't go to Chicago for thirty cents," said the indignant agent. "Where can I go for thirty cents," persisted the man. Twenty men, who were waiting in line, told him.-Michigan Gargoyle. Absent-minded Professor P. Smith had left his berth in the sleeper to find a drink of ice water and was hopelessly lost in the middle of the aisle. It was about midnight and the train was speeding through the country. "Don't you remember the number of your berth?" asked the conductor. "I'm-er-afraid not," was the reply. "Well haven't you any idea where it was?" "Why, uh-oh, yes, to be sure." The professor brightened up perceptibly. "I did notice at one time this afternoon that the windows looked out upon a little lake!" . -Judge 22. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER PROFESSORS, TAKE NOTICE! At a recent banquet the principal speaker was exceedingly long-winded. The chairman, becom. ing annoyed by the ever-increasing disorder, gave a tremendous thump on the table with his gavel. Off flew the gavel head, coming to rest swiftly and surely upon the bald cranium of a very bored man, who, without ever a groan, slid under the table. Upon being told that the victim was regaining con- sciousness, the speaker went on again. "My Gawd," said the stricken one upon opening his eyes. "I still hear his voice; hit me again!" -Michigan Gargoyle Our idea of The world's Most pathetic figure Is A burglar In A fraternity house. ---Chanticleer A DUET A dillar a dollar, This full dress collar, I wish it were in hades, It hurts my neck, It looks like heck, And just to please the ladies. I must confess This backless dress Detracts from all my boys. It must be tight To stay up right, And just to please the boys. -0. A. C. Orange Owl OUTLAW SHE (coyly)-"Is it dangerous to drive with one hand? HE-"Rather! More than one fellow I know has run into a church doing it." -London Opinion MOTHER-"John, these grapefruit are not as good as usual-they seem to be pithy." YOUNG SON (who lisps)-"I'll thay they are spithy Mother-thith one I'm eating just spith all over my father." -All Sports BILL-"She asked me to kiss her on the check." AL-"Which cheek did you kiss her on?" BILL-"I hesitated a long time between them!" COUNT-I learned to play gawf in Scotland. COUNTESS-You mean golf, don't you? COUNT--Yes, but we knock the 'ell out of it over there. -N. Y. U. Medley THE JUNGLE College Widow: I've known quite a few boys here Frosh: Yeah, Grandpa told me about you. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 23 OUTLAW OCTOBER HOPPER-POLLARD DRUG CO. Nonsense Rhymes. ALL SPORTS MAGAZINE The halfback could not skirt the end, Nor dash across the goal, Because his putt was stymied just Beyond the seventh hole! The quarterback gave out the signs, And scowled upon his foes- No use-he'd wasted all his time- The object ball was "froze." The battered fullback still advanced, Though badly bumped and spoiled- But the horse fell, coming down the stretch, And so the tip was spoiled! A very self-satisfied man arrived at the gates of Heaven, and asked for admittance. "Where are you from?" asked St. Peter. "Hahvard." "Well, you can come in, but you won't like it."-Rice Owl. CouNsEL-"What happened after the prisoner gave you a blow?" WITNESS-"He gave me a third one." COUNSEL-"You mean a second one?" WITNESS-"No, I gave the second one."-Le Rire, Paris. FIRST NAVAL OFFICER-Ever been in Tim- buctoo? SECOND DITTO-Year-r. FIRST DITTO-Ever been in Buenos Aires? SECOND DITTo-Year-r. FIRST DITTO-Ever been in Stamboul? SECOND DITTO-No. FIRST DITTo-Ah, now, that's THE place. -Log FIRST GOLF ENTHUSIAST-"Shall we have an- other round on Wednesday?" SECOND GOLF ENTHUSIAST-"Well, I was going to be married on Wednesday, but maybe I can put it off." BILL-"D'you like women who talk all the time as much as others?" ERIC-"What others?" BLINK-"What are you doing with that water?" PRoF-"Analyzing it." BLINK-"What's in it?" PRoF-"Two-thirds hydrogen and one-third oxy- gen. BLINK (very meekly)-"And isn't there any water in it at all?" -Blue Baboon PROF-What is steel wool? STUDE-The fleece of a hydraulic ram-Yale Record. DADDY-Well, Mary, you have a brand new ba- by sister. MARY-Oh, Daddy, can't I be the first one to tell mother?-White Mule. FIRST FRESHMAN-I saw something strange hap- pen. A man threw a match off the bridge. SECOND FRESHMAN-What is.strange about that? FIRST FRESHMAN-It lit on the water.-Maniac. JACK-How come you got home so early last night? TOM-It was this way. I called on my girl last night and I tried to hold her hand. She struck me. I tried to put my arm around her. She struck me. I tried to kiss her. She struck me. JACK-Well? ToM-I called it three strikes and out-O. A. C. Orange Owl. 24 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" OCTOBER PORNOGRAPHY. One day I saw her. ..... A vision of silver hair.. Rounded curves and slimness, White alabaster skin. . . smooth, Cool-inviting to touch. But she was indifferent to me: Not seeming to notice That I was passionately In love with her. Day after day I would Leave my work early That I might have time To see her. That day I met her Alone. Just she and I Together, while The great vaulted ceiling Of the room was above Us. So I crept up close To her and put my hand On hre smooth, white arm. Long minutes, I dreamed Until I was startled By a voice: "Young man How long are you going To lean against That statue." OUTLAW LEV Y'S EXCHANGE NATIONAL BANK JIMMIE'S COLLEGE INN THE OUTLAW HIGBEE & HOCKADAY CLOTHING COMPANY HI-"What do mean by telling dot I'm a fool?" HARRY-"I'm sorry-I didn't know it was a se- cret. "What do you think of mud as a beautifier?" "Well, it hasn't done much for the turtle." -Judge Generally speaking, girls are-generally speak- ing.-Wasp. STAGE HAND (to manager)-Shall I lower the curtain, sir? One of the livin' statues has the hic. cups.-Belle Hop. "Let us depart for a short round of golf," said the first flea, as he climbed down off the bear's left fore-leg. "Golf?" said the second flea, "but where shall we play?" "Oh, over on the lynx!"-Iowa Frivol. THE A. W. NASH CO., Inc. "Honesty is the best policy," said he speaker. Instantly ten insurance agents in different parts of the room rose to dispute his word.-Siren. "How do you teach a young lady to swim?" "Put your arms gently around her waist, take her hand in yours, and put ,. ." "Bah! She's my sister." "Throw her off the dock."-Wasp. FIRST MIDSHIPMAN-I had an interesting experi- ence at seamanship today. I came across a man floundering around in the water holding on to a keg. SECOND MIDSHIPMAN-You effected a rescue, I suppose. FIRST MIDSHIPMAN-Well, yes, you see, I had to hit the fellow over the head with an oar, but I fin- ally got the keg on board.-U. S. N. A. Log. JOHN-I'm boss around this house, see. What I say goes. WIFE-Dear, please say "John."-West Vir- ginia Moonshine. Valet THE OUTLAW THE SWEET MAMAS. (Continued from page 18) protect the working girl." She probably will bounce upon life all of a sudden, and then end the struggle by marrying a traveling salesman. Did you ever meet that girl with that peculiar disease, commonly known as the "gimme, letme- take, and haveyougot." They will take everything that you have except your name, and they will ruin that if you let them alone long enough. Some vulgar people call them "Gold-diggers," but I wouldn't be so specific in my criticism. They don't stop at gold, they will take silver and copper with- out very much argument. They have a line that you can hang clothes on, but after you listen to it for seven nites a week (and they usually hook you strong at the begin- ning, cuz they know that it won't last) you kinda wish that you had used the rope on her. She is the kind of woman that knows everything that is going on. She is the social calendar. Her favor- ite way of getting acquainted' is something like this: "Do you know Jack Whatchamacallhim? He and I were engaged last year, but I soon got his K. 0. and invited him to the air." And so on. She knows everyone. She has been everywhere. She makes you believe that you are in wonderful company. She puts on a -million dol- lar front, but nine chances out of ten it is cotton underneath. The next time you meet one, just no- tice. She is the kind of a girl that says isn't when she means ain't And the sweet ones. They are the kind you wish you had out walking when you meet your family or the minister on the street. They are the innocent remnant of the fair sex, who have not tasted the bitter cup. May the Lord be with them and never introduce them to' a bootlegger. The only rolls they know about are honor rolls, and they are the queens there. I tell ya' boys, if you ever run across any like these, the best thing to do is to grab-pardon my foreign interruption. Grab, I will explain to you, comes from the Latin, Grabatum. It is said that Nero was the coiner of this word. When he was the inayor of Rome it was customary for him to conduct the sale of slave girls. One day while he was busy carrying on the business, and his bookmaker, Cinncinnatus (no re- lation to Cincinnati, 0.), was close by his side re- cording the sales, it is reported by authentic (all. this took place before the fire) persons that the Mayor was heard to exclaim, Grab her." Since that day the word has been usd, somewhat abusive- ly, but constantly, with very little variance in its connotation. Let's see, where were we. Oh, yes. We were speaking of the sweet ones. Well in contrast to them let me introduce the hard ones. They aren't really hard, just a little homesick. They are the ones with the drug store complexions you know. You've seen them. Every town has one, no matter how small the burg is. She is the one that the gos- sips like to pick their material from. Some even go so far as to say that she is girl that the song, "The Girl that men forget" was written about, but I think they are only guessing. She is the girl that is always breaking into the movies. It usually is an awful smashup. She has the Woolworth lowdown on all the lat- est fads. She can dress like a queen on ten per. Of course there isn't much overhead where she gets her stuff. Ten minutes after you have met her, yes, she is calling you daddy. They can't count to ten, but they can name the best eat places in the city, ver- batim. I believe the first thing they learn to say after they have cut their baby teeth is, "where do we eat." Now we come to the Universal girl, the Flapper, or the Co-ed. I call them the Universal girl, be- cuz they are like the Universal car, they are easy to get and everyone has one. They are the product of the twentieth century literature and prohibition. Bob-haired, as little clothing as possible, just enough to keep them within the pale of the law. Did you ever see one beyond? Maybe before we go any further a slight distinc- tion should be made. The Flapper and the Co-ed are sisters, only the Co-ed goes to school. Of all the types I believe they are the most popular. They will dance all nite and go to school or work in the morning, which ever it may be. I have heard that they like their gin, but I wouldn't go so far as to make that assertion. (Continued on next page) "BUY FROM OUR "ADVERTISERS" 27 THE OUTLAW HETZLER'S MARKET They are the kind that you read about in all the popular magazines. They are the home breakers not the home makers. If you ask them what they are looking forward to, they will tell you, a career. They sure have picked a fast one in the last few years. They are the high powered class. They are the ones that tell you that they wear asbestos shoes. But don't be fooled boys. There are holes in these shoes somewhere becuz all the heat escapes. I once heard remarked that they were one of the effects of the war. I wonder how long it will take for the reconstruction period to get under- way. Just to show you their speed, I will tell you what I heard one of them say. She was playing the piano, and some one asked her if she could play a certain piece in E Flat. She replied that she could play in any flat if she had the key. But, coming from the ridiculous to the sublime, and I really am getting serious, take them all in all they are a pretty fair gang. Now you probably have a mama, and a sweet one too, and maybe she is an old-fashioned girl, maybe she is a gold-digger, or maybe you fell for a sweet one or a flapper or a Co-ed. More power to you boys. She is your mama and you're not worrying what type she be- longs to. If you love her that is all that is neces- sary. Cuz boys, when she looks up at you and those big blue eyes fill with tears, what do you care if she is a gold digger-you probably will give it all to her anyway. LADY TO CONDUCTOR-I want to get off at 23d and Pitt. TONGUE-TIED CONDUCTOR-Yeth marm. SUSIE'S PRAYER. I wish I was a little egg Away up in a tree. Away up in a tree so high as High as high may be. And then I wish a little boy Would climb up'in that tree, And then I would ·ust my little self, and splatter him with- me. ALL RIGHT, BUT- "No love affair is a real love affair until you've seen her in perspective." "Say, it's all right to be modern and all that, but, by gosh, I'm still decent!" -Siren. He took her hand in his and gazed proudly at the engagement ring.he had placed on her finger only three days before. "Did your friends admire it?" he inquired ten- derly. "They did more than that," she replied coldly. "Two of them recognized it." -Bison RADIO STATION-B. V. D. FIRST OUUPANT OF THE BATH HOUSE-"Are you dressing for bathing?" SECOND OCCUPANT OF THE BATH HOUSE-"No, just taking off my clothes to see if I have my un- derwear on." -Gaboon. PARSON'S STUDIO THE OUTLAW Finchley HE (after breaking in on a dance)-You know I've never met you. SHE (indignantly)-Do you know who you are dancing with? No? You are dancing with the only daughter of a United States senator. Do you know who you're dancing with? SHE (interested)--Wy, no. HE (walking away--Nobody!-Virginia Reel. "John, is everythin-. shut up for the night?" "That depends upo? yeu, my dear." BYSTANDER (to souse who is getting on horse backwards)-"Hey, you! You're getting on back- wards. Turn around toward the horse's head." SOUSE-"Aw go to 'ell you'sh don't know wish way I'm goin'." The doctor was examining a naval hospital or- derly for advancement in rating. "What would you do if the captain fainted on the bridge?" "Bring him to," warbled the aspiring orderly. "Then what?" asked the doctor. "Bring him two more," returned the man, promptly.-Tid Bits. OPENING UP Rastus: What's ypou brother doing now? Rufus: He's in jail. Rastus: How come?-- Rufus: For opening a'-glocery store. Rastus: Since when isjt a;crime to open a grocery store? Rufus: Well, you seet-iivas this way, my brother opened the store about three o'clock in the morning with a chisel.. We open at 6:30 A. M.-close at 10 P. M. S aturdays. COME TO SEE US. ROBERT ROGERS 9 North 9th St. Phone 179 "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" 29 THE OUTLAW A SONG OF PROHIBITION He winked his eye And ask for rye The barkeeper gave .him lye Goodbye. Love is like eating mushrooms-you don't know whether it's the real thing until it's too late. CATS! WHITE CAT: "Do you like to climb poles?" BLACK CAT: "No, I'm not that kind of a kitty." -Sun Dial. TID-BITS. Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with about the same amount of real feeling. -Widow. Acting sensibly under the harvest moon is a good way to display your ignorance. -Lampoon. CLERK-"You want a narrow man's comb?" BOOB-"No, I want a comb for a fat man, with rubber teeth." -Answers. I took my girl to the Bronx Park Zoo, The animals to see; And when she saw the elephant; She had no use for me. It isn't so much that she wouldn't, but she hates you to think that she would. -Jack-o'-Lantern. CHORUS GIRL: "She don't look good in noth- ing." THEATRICAL MANAGERS "You should not say CHORUS GIRL: "Naw, that ain't what I mean." that. Say, 'she looks good in nothing.' " -Mercury. TAVERN DRUG STORE ROSENTHAL SCHOOL or COMMERCE PLATT'S ELECTRIC SHOP NO WELL'S THE OUTLAW MUD SLINGING. Bill was making men of mud In his pa's back yard, Figures of some foreigners- Working very hard. First he made a grinning Chink, Then a funny Dane, Then a scowling Portuguese, Then a man from Spain. Couldn't make an Englishman, Not from lack of stuff, But because the soggy mud Wasn't "thick" enough. -Hi-Tide. "Papa, vot is a cynic?" "A cynic, my son, is vot your momma vashes the dishes in." -Lampoon. MAID-That fortune-teller skipped without pay- ing his bill. LANDLADY--Well, I guess we will have to charge it up to prophet and loss.-0. A. C. Orange Owl. Men are like fish, neither would get into trouble if they would keep their mouths shut.-0. A. C. Orange Owl. Two people can live cheaper than one-in a poor house. Transfer and Storage Co. FROZEN GOLD WHITE EAGLE DAIRY SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS A. BUCHROEDER JEWELER THE OUTLAW "YES, PET." SHEIK-"By the way do you pet?" SHEBA-"How bold! Don't you receive a lot of rebukes for being so abrupt?" SHEIK-"Yes, and I get a lot of petting too." -Exchange. MONDAY MORNING. Alarm clocks-curses-five minutes more in bed-those tired feelings-Sunday papers on the floor-missing books-unprepared work-five min- utes more in bed-headaches-dreams of over- due letters-spry roommates-realizations of week-end bills to be paid-five minutes more in bed-victorious sleep-three cuts. -Tiger. When a man is in love, he closes his eyes to his duty; when a woman is kissed, she, too, closes her eyes. -Tiger. WINE-DIP 491 CAB COMPANY The Walter Ridgway Publishing Co. GENERAL ELECTRIC HALL THEATRE COLUMBIA THEATRE Consolidated Theatres KARSTETER and WOODS, Mgrs. America's Greatest Stars IN THE WORLD'S BEST PICTURES JUNIOR ORPHEUM CIRCUIT Matinee Daily 3:00 P. M.-Evening 7:15-9:00 "Always a Good Show" Central Dairy