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Outlaw November, 1924; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1924

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Outlaw Homecoming 25 cents HOMECOMING PROGRAM WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26th. 1:00 1P. M.--Registration of Alumni in Jesse Hall. 5:30 P. M.--M Men's Annual Reunion Banquet at Y. M. C. A. 7:00 P. M.--Big Mass Meeting at Rollins Field. 8:30 P. M.-Homecoming Frolic at Rothwell Gym. after Mass Meeting. 9:00 P. M.-Mystical Seven Banquet. 10:00 P. M.-Q. E. B. H. Banquet at Broadmore Inn. THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27th. 7:30 A. M- -Mortar Board Breakfast. 8:00 A. M.-Student President's Breakfast. 8:00 A. M.- Registration of Alumni in Jesse Hall Con- tinued. 9:00 A. M.-Joint Memorial Services at Baptist Church. 9:00 A. M.-Law Alumni Meeting and Election of Offi- cers. 9:30 A. M.-Cross Country Run-Mo. vs. Kansas. 10:00 A. M.-Homecoming Parade. 12:00 M.-Gate Open at Rollins Field. 2:00 P. M.-Homecoming Game. 9:00 P. M.-Razzer-Student Council Dance at Wom- an's Gym. FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28th. 4:00 P. M.-Woman's Tea at Read Hall given for the Alumni by W. S. G. A. and A. A. U. W. THE OUTLAW ACME AUTO AGENCY COZY THEATRE Campus Tailoring Co. ESTES-PARKS "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW Reformer-"Young man, do you realize that you will never get anywhere by drinking?" Stewed-"Ain't it th' truth? I've started home from this corner five times already."-Yellow Jacket. Boy-Mother, can I have a doughnut? Mother-Yes, but if you'd only play the piano like you eat you'd be all right. Boy--Aw mother, give me a chance, I've been practic- ing eating for 12 years, so what do you expect from only two at the piano? The Missouri Workshop is the only Student Dramatic Organization. SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS S and B. Clo. Co. Weathers Electric Co. And EXIDE BATTERY STATION THE OAK SHOP VIRGINIA PHARMACY RECREATION BARBER SHOP "BTY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW College Humor "There's a purchase that gives me satisfaction every time I look at it," remarked the conceited fellow as he looked at the mirror.-Juggler. "I wouldn't kiss a man unless I was engaged." "I saw you kiss Tom last night." "Yes, I am engaged to Bill." -Juggler. His Poor Memory. He-How long have you been married? She-Three years, thank you. He-Have you got any children? She-A boy and a girl, thank you. He-Don't thank me-Oh .. - ? -Voo Doo "What was all the racket in the barber shop?" "One of the barbers was shaving himself and trying to talk himself into a massage. White Mule. "When are you going to Bermuda, Earl Pall?" "As soon as possible, Count Mall, after the onion sea- son is over." -Brown Jug. Watering The Stock. "Where are you going with that goat, little boy?" "Down to the Lake. Come along if you wanter see some fun. This here goat has just et a crate of sponges, and I'm goin' down to let him drink."-Belle Hop. Standing Room Only. Professor-"This lecture is apt to be somewhat em- barrassing. If any men or women care to leave they may." Student in Back Room-"Professor, can I invite some of my friends?"-Octopus. Son-Mother, who put the statue under the kitchen sink? Mother-Sssh, sonny, don't make any noise. That's the plumber.-Chaparral. The Tombstone Man (after several futile suggestions) How would simp:y "Gone Home" do? Mrs. Newweeds--I guess that would be all right. It was always the last place he ever thought of going- Stevens Tech. Stone Mill. "Those who dance must pay the piper." "Oh, Aunt Florence, how fortunate! I usually spend the entire evening in tho garden."-Pelican. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" 3 THE OUTLAW Judge: What are you charged with? Man with a wooden leg: Running a club without a license, yer Honor.-Pitt Panther. "De man in room seven has done hang hisself!" "Hanged himself? Did you cut him down?" "No sah! He ain't dead yet-" NTY! NTY! There once went in search of a (it. An exceedingly joyful spt. But his methods were rude And his technique was crude,-- Now he's telling his trouble in ct. --Sniper. Anna: Mabel calls Billy Prince Albert Now. Belle: Why is that? Anna: She says he doesn't bite the tongue. -Boll Weevil. The Man: "At last I've found you out." The Girl: "Oh, no, but you will the next time you call." Upper-Set the alarm for two, please. Lower-You and who else?-Boll Weevil. RECREATION "Where the Balls are Round and the Cues Are Straight." The Palms THE OUTLAW Meet The 1924 Tiger Squad These are the boys who will meet the Kansas ag- gregation in combat on Rollins Field. To keep in touch with the Tiger Spirit the year round mail a dollar bill to THE OUTLAW for a sub- scription for the remaining six issues. The OUTLAW P. O. Box 377 Columbia, Mo. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW MIDNIGHT. Her father had long ago retired; her mother could be heard occasionally rustling about in the other room. They were alone, vivacious little Marguerite and Ar- mory Ritz, the biggest man on the campus. Her lips were cool and tempting. Oh, how he yearned to kiss her! He leaned over and deftly, as though from long practice, slid his arm around her waist. But when he tried to kiss her she resisted. "Stop! I'll call out to my mother." The eager light faded from his eyes. Dismayed he sat back and surveyed her. Again those red alluring lips! Again he tried bringing her lips near. "Stop! I'll scream for my mother." Her lovely face beat his heart to a flame of passion. Red lips! Small, tempting mouth! He could not re- sist. Savagely he seized her slim body in his arms and kissed her. Then her voice rang out in a shrill crescendo: "Oh, mother, I'm going out for a walk." -Skiumah. He (trying to pick her up): That fellow bet me a dollar that I didn't have the nerve to speak to you. You don't mind, do you? She: Not at all. Run along now and get your dollar. -Swamp Angel. PARSONS SISTERS THE JUNGLE 'BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" NOVEMBER OUTLAW Tiger Coaching Staff From Left to Right-Director of Athletics Brewer; Major Baehr; Coach Henry; Blumer; Lansing; Kipke. "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW Taylor Music Co. L. W. FORD HARRIS' BRANHAM'S Millers NOVEMBER OUTLAW The Missouri Outlaw Homecoming Number "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 9 OUTLAW NOVEMBER The Fable of the Old Grad Who Came Back ONCE UPON A TIME an Old Grad decided to revisit the scenes of his College Days, so he packed his carpetbag and caught the east bound train for his old Alma Mater and The Fraternity. On the train he leaned back in his day coach chair and chuckled intermittently as he thought of the Sensation old Jay Spivus would create as he alighted in the Depot. Even at this moment, thought old Jay as he lighted a Five Cent Cigar, little Groups were sitting about various Hearths discussing the famous End Run he had made back in the Olden Days. He sighed compla- cently and spat out of the Window. When the Train Snorted into the Station old Jay stepped from the Coach and cast his Eye about for a glimpse of the Fraternity Boys who were sup- posed to meet Him. They were not there. A be- wildered Expression clouded his Face, and He hailed a Cab and squeezed his rotund Body in the Back Seat of a seven passenger Car along with Nine Others. Arriving at the Fraternity, He climbed the Stairs and rang the old Bell. A freshman opened the Door, looked at old Jay, and squeaked that some Dam Bill Collector was here. Jay heard the Fra- ternity Commisary made a Break ior Refuge. He scanned the Freshman haughtily. "I am not a Dam Bill Collector," He said. "Well, We don't want to Buy Anything," was the little Freshman's Comeback. Old Jay grew Purple and pushed His Opponent Aside. The House President blocked his Way. Jay Spivus trembled in Anger. "Good God!" He bellowed, "I'm Jay Spivus." "No one said that You were Addison Sims, did They? retorted the House President. Old Jay dis- played his Pin on his Vest and fell to the Floor exhausted. "Welcome, Old Grad," said the House President Formally. "Freshman Dingle will now search you for Intoxicants, whereupon You will be locked in Your Room until the Big Game, so that You will not have the Opportunity to make an Ass of Your- self and the Fraternity." Old Jay looked about puzzledly and then picked up his Grip. "If That's the case," He said sadly, "I guess I'll keep the $10,000 I was going to do- nate to the Fraternity." The House President Fell Dead. MORAL-Be Sure It's Garbage before You throw It away. HELEN TO JACK (as they walk off the dance floor): "Let's go outside and cool off." HELEN TO JACK (as they approach the entrance to the house, one hour later. "Let's go inside and cool off." Apropos of the still being captured from the bootleggers a few miles from Columbia, we have heard that it's still there, but not their still. In the good old days young couples used to take the buggy and go sparking. Now they take the flivver and go parking. We have heard of two pets that had a race. It was neck to neck. IN BATHLESS RUSSIA. SOVIETSKY: Much as I'd like you to marry my daughter, it is simply impossible. Any man who takes a bath more than once a year is no true Bol- shevik. SUITOR: Well I admit it's a bad habit, and I promise not to take another bath for ten years. SOVIETSKY: If that's the case, Bo, I'll marry off all my six daughters to you! 10 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER OUTLAW We Don't Know Much 'Bout Girls in Athletiks But - "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 11 OUTLAW NOVEMBER The Spirit of Old Missouri THERE will be Crimson and Blue feathers galore for every Tiger's hat after the Thanksgiving game. Whose going to pluck the feathers? The Tigers, the Grads, the Students, the Razzers, the Band, every son of old Missou; Old Missou spirit will do it. By EDW. D. MCCLUSKEY Another Homecoming is here. On this day the Jayhawks will meet a Tiger team-and more. As the Tiger team battles its way down the field, the fighting spirit of Stankowski, Brick Travis, Chuck Lewis, Herb Blumer, and other fighting Tigers of former days will be with them to help them to victory. The Jayhawks will meet a team of bat- tling Tigers on Turkey Day that has made its growl echo throughout the Valley, a team that every grad, Missouri-Kansas Contest. Captain Bond. who drops in to the den to join "the rollicking cho- rus" will be proud of. Eleven fighting, driving, twisting, leaping Tigers will battle their way for supremacy on Rollins field on Thanksgiving Day against the invading Jay- hawkers. The stands will be filled to the utmost ca- pacity with loyal Tiger supporters, filled with the old Missouri spirit of "Fight 'em Tigers." The old grads of former days will rally to the gold and black, and sing "I'm a son, a son, a sonư of ole Missou." It's going to be a great day when the Tigers meet the Jayhawks for the thirty-third time. Columbia will don its gala dress. Gold and Black, Crimson and Blue will be the fashion that day. Cheering, laughter, handshaking, backslap- ing, reunions, some more cheering, and a record- breaking parade to top it all off. When that army of Tigers march onto Rollins Field, headed by the Missou band, with old grads adding pep to the march, and showing the boys how they used to do it-well it's going to be a great parade. And 12 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER OUTLAW when the Tigers come out of their den to pluck the Jayhawks every true son will be behind them. They can't beat you Tigers! ! When you look at some of the old grads, greyed by the cares of the world, those old grads that left their Alma Mater years ago to carry the spirit of Missou for and wide,-when you see them here on Thanksgiving Day with all that old Missou spirit, you can't help but wonder if it wasn't that kind of stuff that started the Tiger on his drive to the front line. This isn't the first year that Missouri has had a great football team. In fact, it is thirty-five years ago that Missou started to say that. Back there in '90 when the first eleven was organized it was the same spirit that prompted them as will send the Ti- gers to victory Thanksgiving Day. The Tiger today has a mighty roar; it wasn't as strong thirty-five years ago. Hard years of fight have given him confidence, and strength. The first Thanksgiving game was a defeat; but many things fail in the beginning that have turned into success later on. The Tigers lost their first Thanksgiving game to Washington University of St. Louis. But that was a long time ago. The men who composed that first Gold and Black lineup, the men who were first to fight for old Missou started some- thing. Today we see their successors, another eleven, but with the same old spirit, the same fight that those first Gold and Black warriors had, bat- tling for the honor of the Tigers, the honor of the Gold and Black and the honor of Missouri. In the captain, Arthur Bond, the Tigers have a most able leader, and a fighter that any team would be proud of. His fight and leadership have helped guide Missouri thru the season to her high place. The Aggie game was a costly victory to the Ti- gers. Coglizer, the Tiger fleety end, Molder, the little quarterback who has hammered so much fight into the Tigers and has been responsible for much of their success, and Swafford, the Tiger half-back, who startled the stands this season by his spectacu- lar tackles and runs, are lost to the eleven for the remainder of the season. Coglizer may get back in, but it is not probable. This great disadvantage, the loss of these three players hurt the Tigers, but the fight is still there. They played Nebraska off their feet and altho they came home with the short end of the score they had a moral victory at least. Director Brewer, better known to the old grads as "King" Brewer, and his able body of coaches have built a fighting machine that would swell the Missouri's First Football Team. chest of anyone. Coach Henry has shown good judgment and farsightedness in his selection of ma- terial, and the fighting condition he has his Tigers in. Thirty-five years ago a Tiger cub was born into the Missouri Valley. His growl was weak-for he was yet young. But he is full grown now and has a full-grown growl. This Homecoming should find him with one that will make every son of Old Mis- sou stand up and cheer. So you see it can't help but be a great day, a great day for the Tigers, when we have a team like this. Kansas has the edge on Missouri in victories. Out of the thirty-two games played the Tigers have ten victories and five ties, while the Jayhawks have the remaining seventeen games. Missouri took most of her defeats in the days when she was a cub. Now that she is full-grown she has shown the rest of the Valley that there is fight in a real Tiger. There will be nothing at Missouri for Homecom- ing but spirit, and there will be plenty of that. Books and school will be forgotten for the moment, clicks will disappear in the face of a united body of students fighting toward one end. Nothing will count except the Tigers. Missouri will open the gala celebration with a mammoth mass meeting on Rollins Field the even- ing before the great battle. The cheer leaders will be there to help you let off some of the surplus steam. The team will be there, headed by their Captain, Bond. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 13 The Outlaw University of Missouri Application pending for entrance to the mails at special rate of postage. STAFF Editor CLAUDE H. BINYON Associate Editor A. FRANK GREENHALL Editorial Assistants JACK GILL DAVID M. FLOURNOY L. B. KEYES AL FINESTONE Advertising PAULINE STONER E. PHELPS AMBROSE Business Manager JAMES H. NASH Publicity DONALD W. REYNOLDS CARL RICHARDSON Circulation ERIE SHERMAN Art Editor H. E. G. KUHLHOFF Associate Editor EDWARD D. McCLUSKEY Art Associates AL POTTER KENNETH LANKFORD BOB HAIRE Exchange Editor SCHUYLER WHEELER THE OUTLAW is issued each month (luring the College year by students of the University of Mis- souri. Subscription price is $1.50 for the full year. Office situated at 12 South Seventh Street. Address all communications and contrilbutions to THE OUTLAW, P. O. Box 377, Columbia, Mo. Volume I. NOVEMBER, 1924. Number 3 EDITORIALS. SHORT TIME AGO, the school found itself immersed in the Memorial Union and Stadium campaign. At the same time owners of prosperous, if not palatial, commer- cial establishments, trembled with anticipatory aprehension, as they recalled the front page of their Missourian of the night before. For had not this daily, with a fine disre- gard for these gentlemen's feelings (its own advertisers incidentally), flaunted on its front page the hold words: "M. U. Campus Is Marred by Board Shacks." But this is not all. Readers were informed that these were many of these dens of iniquity, eight in fact, and to mike the information still more startling added the horrifying disclos- ure that they were "painted in all colors." Undoubtedly this is a condition that must be done away with. Is the aesthetic taste of the Co- lumbia Missourian to be this trampled on? No, no, a thousand voices cry, and the OUTLAW lends his treble to swell the chorus. But what of the solution? Again, the OUTLAW to the rescue. Why not a Memorial Union and :;hack campaign? Unfortunately, the Memorial Union and Stadium cam- paign as we remarked above, has been already held, but this money can easily be diverted into more fitting channels. A little sober reflection will show that the Stadium is of little consequence. It NOVEMBER OUTLAW has been said that the seating capacity at Rollins Field is inadequate, and that the Stadium will over- come this. But, in the literature used in the campaign, we find the statement that, as the seats are first to be disposed of to holders of life membersships, in a few years these reservations will take up the entire seating capacity of the Stadium. This is a most grievous state of affairs. For, see the hei- nous consequences. Ever fortunate one is to have four tickets for each game. As we have pointed out, there will be no extra seats. What will happen? All who hold these seats will come to Co- lumbia, and dispose of three of them at unheard of prices to the clamoring students of the future. Some, if sufficiently tempted, may even sell their last ticket. This is the condition which we must face. But this shall not be. No, for even with the vision of the vast monetary gain awaiting us in the years to come, from the sale of tickets, we resolutely turn away to face the more noble thoughts -Shacks! Yes, take this money and apply it towards uplifting the Shacks. At least bigger, if not better Shacks. We have no desire to devour our Hamburgers in marble halls. No, No! Let us not ape the 'haunts of the plutocrat. For us the Bohemian. But what shall be done? For indeed, much can be done with half-a-million. And as we have said, it must go to the Shacks. How many times have we been forced to wait our turn in order to enjoy that most succulent morsel, the Hamburger. But un- der the new regime, how different. On that side of the thoroughfare, where the White House now gazes defiantly across at another Presidential Mansion, let us have a building a block long devoted to Hamburgers. But, remember, no gaudy edifice. Let all be as before. The simple Shack of De- mocracy. And so with all the Shacks. Let us enlarge every one. But, bear in mind, they must stay in their old positions. For, in the article referred to, that shook the minds of men, we find that the "Shacks" have crept closer and closer up to the University campus until they almost encroach upon the grounds itself." This, with uncanny instinct shows an insight into the future that even we had failed to per- ceive. For the Missourian sees the day when the Shacks would finally pounce upon Jesse Hall and there hawk and peddle their wares. This is too much. At least this aspect enlists our sympathy. The OUTLAW therefore, would go on record as being distinctly opposed to Hamburgers being cooked in Jesse Hall. Yes, one must draw the line some place. But if our advice is taken this will not come to pass. For the Shacks shall remain where they have always been. But, unfortunately, we are afraid that our dominant purpose has not been achieved. We have not soothed the aesthetic feelings of the Missourian. But no matter. The Juggernaut must roll over it. For in all great un- dertakings one cannot consider the individual. This is supposed to be what is usually called "a Welcome to the Old Grad." It is quite as customary and as commonplace as the football editorials at the beginning of the season. We really think that this sort of thing should be prohibited, but custom is strong and it will probably be toler- ated half-a-century from today as it was fifty years ago. It really is quite useless. Something ought to be done about it. Why rhapsodize about the "Old Grad," returning to view again the scenes of his youth, to im- bibe once more the spirit of culture, or to watch hisworthy successors engaged in struggle upon the field of sport, when everyone knows that his primary purpose in returning, is to prove to all all and sundry, including himself, that he is really a devil of a fellow. , Whether he does this under the re- fining influence of the Great God Hooch, or thru his own purposeful personality, is of little import. The thing is, that for a day or two he is, or thinks himself to be (which is the same thing), trans- formed. He is no longer the "fat and greasy citizen," but is once more a Student of the University, more fortunate than we, who are bound by rules and regulations, fears of flunks, and negative hours; the chains and fetters of a tyranous and tribulous administration. But to what end, all this? Perhaps to many who come back as they stand in the grandstand at the end of the game, and sing "Old Missouri," there will appear a vision of the years between which to many have been the wasted years, the things which they wet0 going to accomplish and never did, and the other things which they were never going to do and yet somehow were done. Broken blossoms, vanished ideals. And to what end? For tho we know all this to be true, we too perhaps shall come back some day, and in our own inimitable way, be damn fools likewise. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 15 THE COLUMBIA VOL. 45- NO. 56 COLUMBIA, NOV THE WAY OF OUR WORLD President Coolidge is confident of re- election. Scientists have estimated that if a railroad track were laid from New York to San Francisco, one end would be in New York and the other end in San Francisco. John W. Davis is sure he will be elected. Senator Lodge of Massachusetts says the United States should enter the league of Nations. Senator Lafollette is confidlent of be- ing elected l'resident. The Swiss fleet has bI,,cn sent to the North Pole to proteet the Swiss cheeses. John Brown of St. Louis holds the world's record for meals. In 55 years he has eaten 110,505% meals, or an av- erage of three a day. There will be no Eskimo pies next summer, according to a dispatch from Nome, because the Eskimos are striking for higher wages. The Chinese war continues among the laundry proprietors. Sing Dung, gen- eral leading the armies of the north, has been repulsed by Tong forces of Chicago. The slogan is, "no tickee, no washee!" ODE TO A COCKROACH There are strikers on every hand In every portion of the land. Fleas, bedbugs, never go on strike; Roaches seldom take a hike. They are at it day and night, Leaving you in wretched plight. Martin's Powder well you know, Always gives the knockout blow. Within a kitchen sink there walked A roach who to himself thus talked: "The world of man I here defy, They cannot catch me if they try. I find the food when all is dark, / Where'er I please I slyly park." But Martin's Powder, quick as winlk, Just slew that cockroach in the sin';. --Translated from the Chinese. STUDENTS HAIL WITH JOY MERGER OF UNIVERSITY AND STEPHENS COLLEGE WILL TAKE PLACE SHORTLY i Fusion to Result in Advancement of Learning, Say Officials Joy and a spirit of carnival prevailed among the students at the University and Stephens College today when it was announced that, in the interest of Am- erican education, a merger of the two institutions will take place shortly. To- gether %with this announcement comes the statement that a dating bureau will be mainained at he main library and that dates will be allowed any or all nighs of the week. Approval of the project was especially shown at the University where the men students declared the forthcoming con- solidation "the most significant hap- pening in the annals of American edu- cation since this country became a na- tion of just-for-girls schools and mostly- for-men universities." Officials declare that the mdern col- lege student must b? provided with in- spiration. Heretofore, they say, inspira- tion was found in the flowing howl, but the student nowadays is wary of the bad liquor floating around. Statisitcs show that the consumption of liquor at the University has fallen off 50 per cent within the last two years, a fact greatly deplored by the family. The merger of the two institutions and the correspond- ing increase in inspiration is expected to recompense the students for the loss of the flowing bowl. Early tdday the Stephens college girls began to show their colors. Today be- ing wash day, the lines around the dor- mitory were hung with female apparel. Gold and black predominated in the col- or scheme. The general sentiment among the girls is that they welcome the fusion since they prefer to have their playmates nearby. This afternoon a group of pretty Ste- phens college girls posed exclusively for The Razoorian. The picture was de- leted by the censor and will be shown privately to men students who call in person at the Razoorian Office. Knock three times on the door. "J wish I was 67 years young- er commented one of the town's oldest residents, when asked what he thought of the move. "There was never such an opportunity for education in my youth." With two of the largest educational institutions in the state combined, a tremendous increase in the enrollment of men students is expected next se- mester, according to Miss Effie Schwaf- fenhelter, office boy in the registrar's office. THE WEATHER For Columbia and vicinity. Fine and warmer if it dont' rain; cyclones to- night and Saturday; lowest temperature about 85 Fahrenice. For Missouri: Somewhat warmer to- night; sizzling hot tomorrow with frost; rain next week. MEDIC STUDENT IS CAUGHT CHASING CAT AROUND WHITE CAMPUS Charged with cruel and abusive treat- ment, Harold Sawbones, a medical stu- dent, pleaded guilty this morning in po- lice court and was fined a cancelled two- cent postage stamp by Judge Finem. Sawbones appealed and the case will be heard before the Grand Jury. The complaint on which Sawbones was hailed into court was made by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Tabbies, who claimed that Sawbones unlawfully "cut up" around the campus so much that when a young kitten sauntered idly in the vicinity of the medical building, Sawbones nabbed her and embalmed her in alcohol. The plain- tiff exhibited a pair of cat's pajamas that had been found on Sawbones. FRESHMEN ARE MUSICAL The most popular song on the cam- pus, according to the music department, is "The Wailing of the Green." Espe- cially popular is this song among the Freshmen, who burst out in song im- mediately after paddling. PODUNK CORNERS Bill Wafflewisher took Alice Spoofis out riding last Sunday night. Mrs. Jones called on Mrs. Smith yes- terday afternoon. Si Perkins went deep-sea fishing in the crick last week. Hank Dowd says that if he ever catches Jerry Scratcher sneezing around his still again, he will hang Jerry up by his toenails. Jab Slivens was two hours late at work last Wednesday, on account of his Ford stalling. Klassy Klut Klollege Klothes FOR KLOLLEGIANS Sold Eksklusively By KLELLY & KLOHEN FOUND--Brown derby at Stephens Col- lege. Owner will get it by calling at the Dean's Office. MURDERS W. . ON LECTURE WHILE STUI PROF. SHOOTS HI Bryan Continues They Can't M Outa Cl Professor Aloysius the department of University, murdered an on the platform auditorium last nig] shafts of hypercriti( humor at the former Mrq Bryan said that up the intention of thon from Nebraska The qccasion of th debate between the r ulty and the alleged subject, "Resolved: Drink Nothing But Bryan supported t while Prof. Dinwiddie the affirmative. M unanimous vote. More than 5,000 stt to laughter when Mr can't make a monke I Tappa Keg, the RAZZOURIAN EMBER, 1924 PRICE-In City, 5 Cents. Elsewhere, Nothing UNIVERSITY CO-EDS ARE IN WONDERFUL SHAPE; CHRISTIAN GIRLS ALSO NOT BOTHERED BY FLIES BRYAN PLATFORM )ES LOOK ON M AGAIN LATER to Moan That [ake A Fool larlie. Dinwiddie, head of spychology at the W. Jennings Bry- of the University ht when he shot .al and sulphuric secretary of state. he had not given running the mara- to Washington. e gathering was a nember of the fac- statesman on the That monkeys Grapejuice." Mr. he negative side, spoke in favor of r. Bryan won, by idents burst out in- . Bryan said, "You y out of me." bootleg fraternity, presented Mr. Bryan a beautiful cut glass water pitcher. The Women's Christian Temperance Union Band play- ed, "How Dry I Am," while the audi- ence stood. Mr. Bryan then recited a poem, "My Dear Brother Charlie." After the festivities, Prof. Dinwiddie and Mr. Bryan adjourned to Kelley's pool parlor, where the professor shot Mr. Bryan once more, only this time a game of pool. Once the Professor mis- took Mr. Bryan's bald pate for a billiard ball and lunged at it. The resounding whack was tremendous, but the cue was not broken. A. GUMP STARTS ON NEW CAMPAIGN WHILE DEFEAT STILL SOILS HIS SHIRT SPEAKS TO MANY COLUMBIANS Is Practically Certain That His Picture Will Be On All 1928 Calendars. Andrew J. Gump, candidate for pres- ident on the Fourth party ticket, ad- dressed the students and townspeople on the steps of the court house last night. Long before the meeting was scheduled to appear, the street in front of the court house was crowded with atmosphere. Barney Google, famous race track politician, presided at the meeting and Boob McNutt introduced the speaker in few but fitting words. "They ain't no flies on Andy J. Gump," Mr. McNutt said. Mr. Gump, our next president, spoke as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen and residents of this great city of Colum- bia, Missouri. Here I stand, in the great open spaces where the west be- gins and men are men, a candidate for the highest office than can be bestowed upon any man. The country is turning to Andy Gump for president, because it sees that Andy Gump is a man of the people, who feels and bleeds for the people. The people are rallying around me like a mosquitoes around a bald- headed butcher. "I stand foursquare for the princi- ples that are the foundations of our government. I am 100% for the people and by speaking tour around her coun- try has convinced me that I have awak- ened the country to the crisis that has arisen in our national life. "Columbia is a beautiful city, the gem of the ocean, named after that great Eyetalian, Christopher Columbus. You have here the greatest university in the world, the most beautiful women and the ugliest men. I shudder to think what low a development civili- zation would be in if it were not for your excellent city. Although I cannot claim to have been born here myself, I must say that my great grandfather on my mother's side was. Later he CROSS WORD PUZZLE HORIZONTAL- 1-Domestic fauna common to uni- versities. 6-A mammaliary protuberance or small bird of the tit genus. 7-Music term for do it again. 9-Any time after dark. 10-A cagey necker. 11-Out of bed. 12-An agricultural implement. 13-What modern art needs-also good for sinks and kennels. 15-Beverage made at home. 17-Ecclesiastical hot air. VERTICAL- 1-Worn on the head of C. & C. bot- tle. 8--Abbreviation for holy plrson-or mistreated woman. 2-The abductor muscle of an oyster. 15-The relative of man. 3-A scarlet woman. 13-Name of inspired candy butcher. 4-Cockney for headgear. 16-Goddess in Early Chimmish my- thology. 9-Goddess without arms. 5-What the prohibitionist thinks he is (in Latin). fought with Washington at Appomatox. On your vote depends my election and I know you will vote for me, for as Co- lumbia goes, so goes the country." A committee of prominent business men went out to buy Mr. Gump a present in appreciation of his fine speech. They returned in a few min- utes with a basket of eggs which they presented the candidate one by one. Several eggs missed and broke the court house windows. Gump still thinks he will be elected. Playing the best game of their career, the co-eds of the University of Missouri, defeated the Christian College girls, 13 to 0, in a knitting contest on Rollins field yesterday afternoon. The knitting was hot from the start but the fine form of the University girls, together with their knowledge of the sport and supe- rior coaching, made them the victors. At the end of the first quarter the score stood 0 to 0. Undaunted, the co- eds knitted with all their prowess, leav- ing not a knit unturned in the second quarter. The girls dropped two and knitted three, brought the knitting down to the goal for a touchdown and by a field goal from the twenty-yard line sent the ball spinning for seven points. The score was now 7 to 0. The third quarter was scoreless, while the fourth quarter proved productive of six points for the University girls who rushed for a touchdown with a hop, knit and jump, and added six points to their score. The co-eds now are in a fair way of winning the mountain championship, since they are the height of their career and in the best shape of the season. MOLLIE, THE AG- GIES' SWEETHEART Molly (shown above) is the kickingest cow, having kicked more than two doz- en Aggies into a cocked hat since the opening of the School of Agriculture. She was the big wreck at the Barn- warming with her exhibition of kickin'. An interview with Mollie appears on Page 3. We Cater to Men Students Let Us Give You Our Latest Wrinkle Bob. WIRE FOR APPOINTMENTS VANILLA BEAUTY PARLORS Four Blocks East. OUTLAW NOVEMBER The Secret Society Meets (Several men enter a dingy shack with caps pull- ed down over their eyes. The leader, obviously the ranking oficer seats himself at the head of the ta- ble. The other men remain standing and raise their right hands, twitching the index fingers spasmodi- cally.) CHORUS: Give me liberty or I'll tell my mother on you. (Everyone sits down.) LEADER: The secretary will now call the roll. SECRETARY: Brother Tangent! BROTHER TANGENT: Present for the cause. SECRETARY: Brother Tangent states that he is present for the cause. Am I not right, Brother Tangent? BROTHER TANGENT: You are right. SECRETARY: I thought so. LEADER: Shut up! SECRETARY: How can I get this right if you keep butting in. That's what I'd like to know. LIFE'S GREAT PROBLEMS. H. D. Thinleg, advertilsng mar ager of the Boston Gar- ter Company and odginator of the famous slogan: "How did your garters look ths morning?" as he ar- rived in Columbia. Who will ask him the fatal ques- tion? "How is it that you can make such exact likenesses of Co-eds?" "I have them kiss the canvass and their cosmetics do the rest." We gotta get this thing like the constitution says, don't we? That's what I'd like to know. LEADEC: Damn the Constitution. SECRETARY: Well, who wrote the coostitution? It was nobody but yourself. That's what I'd like to know. LEADER: Quit getting personal and go on with the roll. SECRETARY: Brother Cramps! BROTHER CRAMPS: Present from Santa Claus. SECRETARY: This ain't no Christmas banquet. Answer right or get out. BROTHER CRAMPS (meekly): Present for the cause. (The Secretary Finishes the Roll.) LEADER: We gotta see about getting some post- ers up on the campus. My brother says that down at Arkansas University they already got their signs up. SECRETARY: Does your brother go to Arkansas University? LEADER: Yes. SECRETARY: I know a guy named Danker that goes to Arkansas University. Does your brother know him? LEADER: How the hell do I know? SECRETARY: Well, anyway this guy Danker has a brother who was with a girl this summer who knows Douglas Fairbanks real well. He says his .brother says that she says that he ain't what he's cracked up to be. BROTHER CRAMPS: That reminds me that there's a pretty good show on tonight. SECRETARY: Let's go and have the meeting some other night. LEADER: Say, we have business to do tonight! SECRETARY: Why can't we postpone the busi- ness? That's what I'd like to know. LEADER: Good Lord! Have you gone crazy? (Preceded by the Secretary, the entire Group ex- cepting the leader leaves for the show.) LEADER: God protect some mother's daughter! (Leaves in search of a date.) 18 \ "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER OUTLAW THE OLD FIGHT "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 19 OUTLAW The Old Man THE NIGHT WAS COOL AND CRISP. A large harvest moon cast weird and uncanny shadows about the campus, jarring crazily with the raccuous attempts at harmony from the portals of the Delta house. They were practicing in order to impress the old grads who were to start filtering in tomorrow. It would be a hellish im- pression, thought Brent LaGrange as he walked slowly past the house. He smiled cynically. They were probably doing the same thing at his house. He had better not go home yet, he decided. A tumultous student staggered past him, shout- ing loudly that Missouri would defeat Kansas. A worried look clouded the face of Brent. His father would be in tomorrow. Brent stopped. What would dad think of the school? Several of the fel- lows at the house had stored away liquor for the festivity and God only knew how many others were doing the same thing. This meant that there would be evidence of dissipation starting tomorrow. Brent wondered how this would impress his father. And the women. They seemed a little more wild and coarser than the girls back in Bolivar-more man- nish. Brent sighed resignedly. Well, the best thing that he could do would be to trust in fate and hope that dad wouldn't take things in the wrong light. He walked back to the house and into his room. "Were you here for the last homecoming?" "No, I went to Havana." NOVEMBER Will y' marry me? Ask papa. But he can't cook. Brent La Grange, senior, did not arrive in Co- lumbia until the following night. Young Brent was at the station to meet him and a violent greet- ing ensued. After the tumult had subsided Brent started to hail a taxi, but his father detained him. He was a dignified appearing man, with keen gray eyes, blending with the hair about his temples. An English professor would have described his ana- tomical condition as portly. "Let's walk out to the house," he said. "I haven't seen the old school for twenty-five years, you know, and I think night impressions are al- ways the best. Young Brent nodded silently and shuddered as he heard a far away group of revel- lers proclaiming their condition. Father and son walked slowly down the main street and turned off on a darkened by-way. A group of large buildings loomed up to the left of them. "What's that?" asked old Brent. "One of the girls' colleges," replied young Brent. From one of the many windows the red tip of a cigarette descried an arc and hit the sidewalk with a shower of sparks. "I thought you said it was a girls' school," re- torted dad. 20 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER "I hear your dad is having hard luck." "Yeah, became to town with a quart of gin and now he's crying because he can't see the game from his cell window." "Yeah, that's the janitor's room," Brent said half-heartedly. He slated that girl, whoever she was. They walked on together silently. Suddenly Brent's heart jerked. Three joyous students were making difficult progress toward them, singing merrily the while. One of them grabbed Brent as they met and leaned heavily against him. "Brent, old man, I'm drungg-k!" he sighed. Brent hurriedly pushed him away and fell in step with his father, who had been interestedly watching the spectacle. "Who was that?" "Oh, that was a fellow." "How peculiar." Brent's brain was a seething mass of curses. Titters and cajolings in a parked car which they passed gave the curses new vitality. Things were sure coming out fine. Oh, Lord, yes! They entered the white campus and viewed the scene silently. Then they went up to young Brent's room. Brent, senior, deposited himself in the only rocker and placed his hands upon his stomach. He yawned. Young Brent looked at his father worriedly. "Well, what do you think of it, dad?" he asked tim- orously. Old man Brent took off his glasses and frowned. "Maybe I haven't seen enough of it yet," he said slowly, "but I really think-I think-I think it's a hell of a lot deader than it used to be. Why in my day-" Young Brent leaped to the door with a yell of joy. "Hey fellows!" he bellowed, "come in and meet the old man!" OUTLAW From Hat Shop to Hat Shop She Flitted. ( Want Ad. in the Columbia (Mo.) Missourian.) LOST-Jeweled Delta Rho Alpha pin, Friday. Between Metty's Hat Shop and Columbia Hat Shop. Re- ward. Phone 1459-green. T42-44 WHO WANTS AN IDEAL? ROSE: Isn't it peculiar? Five times Marma- duke has proposed and each time Isabel has re- fused him. WILDE: Too bad. He'd make such an ideal husband. ROSE: That's just it. WHAT HE HAS. SANDY: Hae ye ony Scotch? ANDE: Nay. SANDY: Hae ye ony 'baccer? ANDY: Nay. SANDY: Then what hae ye? ANDY: Mon, I hae my doots. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 21 OUTLAW THE CRUEL WORLD Science Invents Another Pestilence for the Old Soak. YVONNE, or MISTER, I AIN'T THAT KIND OF A GIRL. (A Symbolic Tragedy in Four Acts, with Incidental Ballet. Produced by "The Bucketshop.") DRAMATIS PERSONAE. CAPT. EROBUS-A Street Car Conductor. MISS SMITH-Daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. A MARTIAN- SIMPLE SIMON-A politician. A poet, beef eat- ers, Co-eds, populace, farmers, church bells, Prohi- bition Agents and other low born personages. ACT I (The Isle of Ste. Helene. Curtain Rises on a Great Conflagration which Conflagrates all Night. Fire Departments from Three Counties and Sev- en Towns are Called Out. But to no Avail. The Hero Perishes in the Attempt. Meanwhile, the Orchestra Orchestrates "There'll be a Hot Time in the Home Town To-night.") ACT II (A Street in Siberia. Ivan and Sary Jones are Drinking Tea out of Saucers.) SARY-Did you say sumpin'? IVAN-Senorita, Hellno; I only drank tea. SARY JONES--I thought I heard a noise. / ACT III / / (The house remains in darknoss for fourteen days to denote the passing of two weeks.) NOVEMBER ACT IV (A HILLTOP IN CHICAGO) GERALD--Why, Oh why, did I implant a kiss on yonder maiden's lips? BOBBY BURNS-A wench is only necker, but a good cigar's a smoke. A COSTERMONGER-Beware the quizzes of mid- year! APPOLONIUS-Let the buyer beware! How in the cosmos are the antiquated relations able to re- late that the floodgates of heaven shall descend up- on us no more? LITTLE NELL (tugs at her skirts)-Mama, give *your orphyun chee-ild a nickel! JOHNNY WALKER-Still going strong boys! THE VAMP-Haw, haw, haw haw- (In the distance her weeping sounds like the laugh- ter of angels. Orchestra orchestrates "The Cof- fee's Like Tobacco Juice.") (CURTAIN GOES DOWN AND STAYS DOWN.) An old man, 150 years old, was dying and several newspaper men were present to learn how he lived so long. The old man said he attributed his long life to the fact that he had never smoked, drank or dissi- pated in any way. Just then there was a terrible commotion out- side and the reporters asked the old man what it was. He replied: "Oh, that's grandpa-he's drunk again! "Let's go home Charley; your wife's looking for you." "You darn fool, thash why rm here." 22 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER KRAZY KRAX. T was dawn, and already the moo and tinkle and snortz of the early birdz could be heard in the trees, the fawg was folding itself up into cunning little fractions, and exciting joy, while jol- ly old Mister Sun was doing his derndest to strug- gle over a nearby hill, which Mother Nature had once flung there in a peevish fit. Yes, dear reader, it was quite dawn. From behind the dense woods in back of Johnny Pawlz a vague form could be seen seeping along- maybe oozing, we aren't quite sure. Football dope is awful uncertain. Upon closer investigation it proves ta be none other than Hank, the Mother's Friend, returning after an afternoon happily spent in the agricultural districts around McBaine. But at the same time, far, far down the railroad trax another form is to be seen approaching. At the junc- tion of the library and the Burrall Class they are about to meet-in fact, they see each other coming at themselves. Our friend Hank opens the encoun- ter with a well chosen remark upon the stranger's ancestry, and strikes the stranger brutally in the light first with two front teeth, tactfully retreating to the corner of the street on his shoulder blades, afterwards. Then Hank reels manfully to the assult, hurling anathema and brix in a promiscuous way. Just when it looks as if the stranger is going to have to run, up rushes none other than Bertha, the Kross- eyed Koleen of Klumbyuh, followed by the foot- ball squad and the. Shoe factory boys. Hank tact- fully refrains from intended assault. As the stran- ger arises, Bertha throws herself upon him with cries of "M'Dollink," "Luvuh," and "M'sweetol- SHE. She: If I give you just one kiss will you be good? He: If I kiss you once you'll know I'm good! OUTLAW A HARD TRIP poppa," whereupon, the former, seeing that the jig is jag, breaks down and confesses that he is none other than Mister Volstead and that he didn't mean a word of it. He then presents all present with a nip of Mother Gordon's Cordial, and everyone plays Winkum, while the football boys tackle the Memorial tower. Just then, the eight o'clock bell clanks significantly, and the surrounding Drunx all curse horr'bly, for all the happy kiddies have to scamper away to their eight o'clocks, and out on the grass the Daily Komikal Konklave of Kampus Kanines begins. The sun, by this time is up over the hill, and the old fellah beams happily, for ro- mantz has came anew. In looking over the Bible we find that Adam was created first. We believe that the only reason that this was done was to give him a chance to say something. Unlucky Eve had lost her dress, But Adam with contrition Alleviated her distress With a re-leaf expedition. -DIAMOND DUST. Stephens girl out hiking noticed some calves in a pasture, and remarked to her companion, "look at the little cowlets." Farmer overhearing them: "Them ain't cowlets, they are cowslips. Young man to girl coming up the steps with a basket of eggs: "What beautiful eggs you have!" And then she said that he was insulting. "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 23 OUTLAW NOVEMBER He: This artist drew us like a Freshman-Sophomore smoker. She: How Come? ...... He: No chance of getting together. RAPTURE THEY STOOD ALONE, just the two of them, on the edge of the bluff. Far below, winding like a splender silver serpent, the river drowsed along in the moonlight.... Moonlight that wove its insidious, sensuous spell about ine pair like a sweetly suffocating blanket of golden gossamer; moonglow that brought a surge of blood to her wan cheek and a glazed stare to his eyes. For he was young and she was beautiful...a voluptuous pas- sionate beauty, whispering of latent fire. After the vivid manner of a tiger-lily. He feasted his rav- ished eyes, and as he raised a tremulous hand to touch her, his soul was in his fingertips. Ah. ... she read, in the eyes and in the questing fingers, a poignant, vital yearning... .the supreme, com- pelling challenge of his young being to hers. He caught his breath as her hand grazed along her cool, bare arm toward an alabaster shoulder. From afar off, borne over the glittering water by a breeze which caressed their hot cheeks like the touch of angel's wings they heard a faint strain of music .... a barbaric melody. . . .a pagan love-song in an eerie, minor key. It was the match needed to set off the fuse of their passion. Toward her and about her he surged, gripped her in his madness with harsh, fierce strength, tilted back the delicate oval in her face. ... she was his. How sweet was her surrender .... In the woods behind them a snapping of twigs warned them of the proximity of some one else. Reluctantly he released her . . .they drew apart and turned. A voice brought tyem back to the world of convention and boredqin. "Where have you two been/all evening?" de- manded her mother. "We'v looked just every- where .... the food's all eat n and we're going home." t Now is the crucial moment when, in the usual article of this sort, the clever catch is inserted to show the readers how the superior wit of the au- thor has scored at the expense of his gullibility. (The reader's, of course, never the author's.) It is always the boy's dog he is talking to, or his baby sister. But really there's no catch to this. I know, because.... I was the boy! LOO KHERE Onnust? 'Sright! Oakum off Sure zima stanninear Juh meanit Ubetcha Ooseddy did Gurlova there Wah sheno boutit D'no. Swatshesedd Oakum off Yerkiddin Thinksofuwanna Bawcher Outlaw Say donnitlookatway Bawchoors Imagointo ritenow Say lookear Watchasay Jeer bow TomanDot Notsloud Sumbuddylearus Lettum Snuthinmuchno how Quitcherkiddin Oakum off laindkiddin Gracious Imus begittinalong Somus I. Slong Slong WHY I DIED OF A BROKEN HEART. (A TRAGIC STRUGGLE IN Two GASPS.) With a superior snicker at Shakespeare. I. I SUPPOSE that if I hadn't been a Freshman, As sweet and clean and green as new mown hay, It might not then have happened.... yet She looked so wonderful there in the Empty Pullman, with her hair the tint of Hammered bronze, and her clothes that whispered "'Sophistication" to my romantic and Protruding ears. Now I had often heard of how Maids are met and loved and won on railroad trips So just before we reached the little town 24 "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" NOVEMBER Where I was to alight and enter college, I straightened my contrary tie and gulped, And spoke to her-and she- Although I soon could see that I Was several years her junior- She was kind and smiled In such a wondrous fashion That I basked in it as in the autumn sunshine, And quite forgot to ask her name. But we alighted from the train together, Which made me pulse and tremble with delight, For by her looks and bearing and demeanor I could tell that she must be a oC-ed. I pressed her hand at parting-it was warm And soft as the breeze that fans My mother's apple trees in May, and brings The sweet pink blossoms down in clouds. I almost asked where I could call her up, When she stepped into a taxicab And, smiling, whirled away. Well, I became a Freshman, then a pledge, And finally got my courses doped out right. But though I looked and sought her everywhere I couldn't get a single glimpse of her- She who was so fascinating and so kind. II. Then Monday morning came. It was the day When first we went to all our classes And met our teachers and received our lessons For the succeeding day. Ah, how I hoped And prayed that she might be in one Of the classes of which I made the rounds. The first was French, and she Was lacking and so I lost my interest in it. Then came Geology, and the one I sought Was not among the serried ranks To English then I went; hungry, tired, Wondering if my wish could ne'er come true. Inside the doors I stopped and looked, And hummed a hymn of praise, for There she was! Laughing and talking Midst an admiring group; the center Of attraction, as well she might have been. That dark red hir, that creamy skin, OUTLAW That provocative twinkle in her eyes- She was the same. God made the one, And never made another. Just then my goddess turned around Drawn as if by some magnetic force, And when she was me standing, gaping there; She smiled and spoke. By Jove! I thought Confusedly of lambs and pussy-willows, Of Corrine Grifith and old Dresden china, Of dried rose leaves and a tropic moon.... All the elements of happiness rolled Gloriously into one! So I approached and worshipped at the shrine Of her whom I was going to adore. She did look somewhat older, but What mattered that? I'd known of cases where... And then she spoke from parted ruby lips, And the room did rock and sway about me Emitting a noise of crashing tin and glass.... "Tomorrow," she said, "You will take "The first ten pages in the text." THE MISSOURI WORKSHOP IS THE ONLY STUDENT DRAMATIC ORGANIZATION. Valet BOONE COUNTY NATIONAL BANK "TIGER COMEDY AT ITS BEST" 25 OUTLAW (Continued from page 13) There will be fireworks after the mass meeting. The Freshmen will stage their annual cap-burning feat, and snake dance. And then-the Greeks had their Marathons, the Romans had their Coliseum with its chariot races and gladiatorial combats, but the Tigers will have their battle with the Jayhawks on Turkey Day. It is more than a football game, more than a Valley Conference game; it is a tradition with Missouri. It is a part of Missouri as much as old Jesse Hall or any other building on the campus. Missouri must win on that day of days. Kansas can't go home with the victory. So every son out- and growl-Fight 'em Tigers, Fight 'em Tigers, stay right in that fight. An English Sailor's Definition of an Anthem. If I was to tell yer, 'Ere, Bill, give me that 'and- spike," that wouldn't be no hanthem. But if I wuz to say, "Bill, Bill, Bill, give, give, give, me that, Bill give me, give me that 'and, give me that 'and 'andspike, spike, spike, Bill give me that, that 'and, 'andspike, 'and 'andspike, 'and 'andspike, spike, spike, spike, spike. Ahmen, Ahmen, Bill- givemethat'anspike, spike, Ahmen," why that would be a hanthem. Al: Can you play the violin? Mac: Dunno; never tried. NOVEMBER DRUGGIST (roused by Scotchman who wants something for indigestion): Why, man, have you no consideration for others? .You wake me at 2 o'clock in the morning for tablets when a glass of hot water would do just as well. SCOTCHMAN: Would a glass of water do just as well? DRUGGIST: Why, certainly. SCOTCHMAN: Then I don't think I'll bother with the tablets. ON WITH THE DANCE! SAMMY: Poppa, what's a coincidence? MR. COHEN: A coincidence, my son, is such a dance that was originated by President Josiah Quincy. LEVY"S "QUALITY FOOTWEAR" Wolff-Berger Co. "TIGER COMEDY ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW SAFETY Prof-Did you enjoy "The Passing of Arthur?" Frosh-Yes, but I liked his punting much better. -Whirlwind. There was a young fellow named Tate, Who dined with his girl at eight-eight. From his case of ptomaine One could well ascertain What Tate at this tete-e-tete ate at eight-eight. -Virginia Reel. "Bill, you don't know how I miss that cuspidor." "You always did miss it. That's why I threw it away."-Brown Jug. Nip: "Shay-where've you been?" Tuck: "To a wedding." Nip: "S'any good?" Tuck: "Rotten." Nip: "Who got married?" Tuck: "I did."-Virginia Reel. MISSOURI MOTOR CO. Hamilton Hotel The Inglenook BOSWELL'S "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" 27 THE OUTLAW Elsinore Visits College. Virgil is indebted to Elsinore for innumerable dough- nuts and one hundred copies of the "Young People's World" that he has received every week for three years. To square things, he has invited Elsinore to her first college dance. Elsinore: "Who are those funny men lying in the gutter?" Virgil: "Be quiet, Elsinore, they are fraternity broth- ers." Elsinore: "But, Virgil, why do they keep looking at the pavement?" Virgil: "They are geology students. Now dear, please don't ask so many questions." (Strained silence). Elsinore: "Who was the man I just danced with? He held me so tight!" Virgil: "He is stroke on the crew, Elsinore." Elsinore: "But, Virgil, Im' not a crew." (Unusual silence.) "Virgil, what are these garters doing in your pocket?" Virgil: "Please don't talk so loud, (lear. They're not garters, they're arm bands. Now you must not ask me another question." (One Hour Later) Virgil: "Elsinore, where have you been?" Elsinore: "Shtudyn geolgee." Virgil: "The brute." Elsinore: "Very nice shtroke." (Long, long silence.) Elsinore: "Virgil." Elsinore: "Will ya loan' me your arm bands?"- Froth. The Students Extend a Vote of Thanks to the HOMECOMING COMMITTEE John Riley-Chairman, in charge of Finance Mary Virginia Doerschuk-Publicity Norvell Allen-Parade George Edscorn-Mass Meeting Arthur R. Ocker-Homecoming Frolic The Ritz College Inn THE 0 UTLAW TOP OFF THE MASS MEETING With The HOMECOMING FROLIC The Biggest Time of the Year DUAL CONCERT M. U. and K. U. GLEE CLUBS Admission $1.50; GLEE CLUBS this includes 50 cents GIRLS' CHORUS from STEPHENS General Admission, $1.00 worth of tickets, and CHRISTIAN Side Shows and everything . . . . CHORUS of MEN from last year's even the dancing. Farmers' Fair, Elks' Minstrels, and JOURNALISTIC FOLLIES Quad Orchestra, FOOD SERVED by ENCHANTING which means the GIRLS IN TENTS behind the best music. GYM. AND DANCING until ONE O'Clock THIS IS THE CHANCE OF A LIFE TIME! COME AND BRING YOUR FRIENDS IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE MASS MEETING! AT ROTHWELL GYMNASIUM HETZLER'S JOHN N. TAYLOR GARAGE THE OUTLAW Heavens! Critic: "That picture is rotten and in looks like hell. What is the name of it?" Artist: "Paradise." -Pitt Panther. "Do you believe in the Devil?" "Naw! He's just like Santa Claus; he's your pap." -Pitt Panther. MILANO Young Wife-"Oh, I am so miserable; my husband has been out all evening, and I haven't the faintest idea where he is." Experienced Friend-"My dear, you mustn't worry worry. You would probably be twice as miserable if you did know." -Princeton Tiger. Faux: "Those two people in the corner appear happy. Pas: "Yes; the lady's my wife." -Pitt Panther. Courtesan: What are you looking at that map for? Lover: Just to see if it's any worse than yours- Pelican. All American Athletics MISSOURI TIG ER NUMBER OUT AT ALL AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAME 1924 READ ALL TIME MISSOURI FOOTBALL TEAM By Dr. C. L. Brewer RECORDS OF WINNING TIG ER TEAMS IN ALL SPORTS COLUMBIA-THE TIGER'S DEN TIGER Versus JAYHAWK WOMEN'S ATHLETICS STONE AGE FOOTBALL OUT NOVEMBER 22 30 "'BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" THE OUTLAW Finchley Going Up Worse. Eve, enchantress, wonder-eyed, Smiled at Adam by her side. Cooed she: "Tell me, Eden's lamb, Do you really care, Adam?"-Exchange. "So you imagine you know as much as the Prof, do you. How is that?" "Well, he himself has said that it is quite impossible to teach me anything." -Purple Parrott. Papa: "Did you vin the race today, son?" Abie: "Yes, py chust a nose, pap." Papa: "Mine Gott, vat a victory!" -Oklahoma Whirlwind. Ollie-"That girl of yours looks like a Texas oil field." Oskie-"Ah, you mean like a million dollars?" Ollie-"Naw like a wildcat speculation."-Oregon Ag. Orange Owl. Ah. Rude: Teacher's pet! Rudolph: Do they?-Pelican. WOMAN'S EXCHANGE AND HAT SHOP Richards Market "BUY FROM OUR ADVERTISERS" 31 THE OUTLAW UNIVERSITY FRUIT CO. TAVERN DRUG STORE Hays Hardware Co. THE RIDGWAY PUBLISHING CO. GENERAL ELECTRIC Central Dairy