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The Outlaw October, 1925; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1925

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The Outlaw High Life Number! Two Bits Taylor Garage Dorn-Cloney Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Boone County Trust Company Parsons Sisters Beauty Shoppe OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE ONE University Cafateria MENNEN Goldman's MENNEN SKIN BALM PAGE TWO THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Millers Victor Barth Clothing Co. 'he Tavern Drug Store Valet OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THREE College Humor LOOKS IS DECEIVING "Shake, Henry, I'se glad you is willin' to make up." "Watch out, nigguh! I'se only smilin' to rest the wrinkles in mah fo-head!" --HARVARD LAMPOON. Kelliher Drug Co Only at The Drug Shop POPULAR IMPRESSION Patricia was a nice girl When she went away to college; She never smoked, She never swore, She never drank but knowledge But now she's home She does all three- She smokes, She swears. She drinks wiskey! Do we like Patricia Better now? Don't make us laugh- You bet we do! The Palms GENERAL ELECTRIC OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE FIVE How High is High Life PAGE SIX THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Dilly Dallies By CLAUDE HOWARD BINYON Within the sancitity of the Delt house there issued from the front middle room on the third floor a long pathetic wail. Then came silence. Suddenly there was the hurried banging of a pair of feet which were negotiating the stairs from the third to the second floor in series of threes. "Dilly" Smith, owner of the feet, directed their course into the room of "Big Eye" Norton. He surveyed the reclining Norton with the most baleful of glares. Nor- ton returned the greeting with a most delicate lifting ,of the right eyebrow. Silence took complete possession of the room as "Dilly," clad only in black pumps, black silk sox, and the whitest of white underwear rocked back and forth on his famous feet. At last he spoke in one gurgling gasp. "My Tux -- where?" "What Tux?" "Oh for the -- my tux you borrowed for the Easter holidays and took home with you." "Oh." Big Eye scanned the ceiling. "Big Eye!" 'What?" "You - forget - to - - bring - it -back." "What? Yes." "O-o-W!.and I've got a drag bid for the Kappa formal in one hour and a half!" Norton failed to put in his customary "what"; lhe noticed a long irregular crack in the ceiling plaster. "Why didn't you remind me that it wasn't in my closet, so that I could borrow one?" "What?" "Oh hell!" The remark signified complete disgust on the part of "Dilly." He dragged himself from the. room and mounted the stairs in series of ones. He entered his room and deposited himself heavily upon the bed. He groaned. "Good Lord! Every tux within fifty miles has been borrowed by this time." "Dilly" sighed. He walked to the dresses and surveyed the tumultuous drawers sadly. In the rear left corner of the large middle drow- er something gleamed enticingly. "Dilly" momentarily discontinued his mourning and interestedly drew forth the treasure. It was a quart bottle about three quarters full of alleged Scotch. He poured a few drops of the brown fluid into his left hand and then rubbed his palms together briskly. He cupped his palms and placed them about his nose. He inhaled deeply. He recoiled. Some one had hit him in the back of the neck with a sledge hammer, he presumed . "Good stuff!" he declared knowingly, with all the ignorance of youth. The liquor evidently belonged to Denny, his roommate, who had gone on an evidently uninteresting date. "Dilly" lifted the bottle to his lips and drank heavily. He gurgled and coughed harshly. "Hot damn!" He sat down on the bed with the bottle in his hands, and after a brief wait, consumed some more of the burning fluid. He repeated this process at regular intervals during the ensuing half hour. At the end of the half hour he raised the bottle to the electric light and visually measured its contents. About five small swallows remained, "Dilly" walked lighly to the dresses and replaced the bottle in its resting place with extreme care. He returned to the bed. He begun to ruminate. "In exactly one hour I have a date with Dorothy, and Dorothy li-likes me well enough t' give me drag bid. I gotta get a tux 'cause I can't disappoint Dorothy, 'cause I lo-ove Dorothy and Dorothy lo-oves me." "Dilly" smiled surprisedly and began to sing softly: "O-ooh, I lo-ove Dorothy and Dorothy lo-oves me." Soon his song, chosing the easiest route, became: "O-ooh, I love Dor'thy lo-oves me." "Dilly" discontinued his song. "F'r Dorothy's sake I gotta get my Tux, an' Big Eye a hunnerd miles f'on here an' I gotta hur-r-ry t' be back in a nour." "Dilly" with difficulty assumed the attitude of a martyr about to be shot. He surveyed his reflection with a pleased expression. Then the bottle was again brought to light and emptied. The absent Denny's top- coat was forced from its seclusion in the closet and donned by the resolute "Dilly." He rather staggered downstairs, noting unconcernedly that the house was deserted save for himself and "Big Eye" who was snoring very audibly. Everyone else had either gone to a dance or to the theatre. "Le's see now," 'Big Eye' lives north 'f here. He lives in Centralia an' Centralia's a hunnerd miles f'om here. I gotta hurry." The night was dark. A profusion of clouds hid from the earth the stars and the moon. "Dilly" made his way northward, keeping to the sidewalk with difficulty. When "Dilly" reached the edge of the town his knees began to sag. He fought his increasing weakness and drowsiness bravely. "Gotta hurry -- Dor'thy waitin' -- good ole Dor'thy." "Dilly" tripped over a rock on the dirt road which he was by now trespassing and fell heavily to the ground. He rose rather unsteadily and muttered sev- eral unintelligible oaths. Warm blood trickled down the side of his face from a gash in his forehead. 'Gotta get to Dor'thy -- Dor'thy waitin' for me." The falling process soon became a habit with him, but "Dilly" plunged resolutely on. His time was very limited. Several fastly whirling cogs seemed to be operating in his head, and they disturbed his equili- brium greatly. In the mind of the youth a picture of Dorothy waiting with tears in her eyes for the return of her "Dilly" constantly recurred. "I gotta ----" "Dilly" stumbled again and fell headlong into a ditch by the roadside. He lay quiet for a while and then, no- ticing that the unnatural position of Denny's coat hurt his armpits, he arose and removed the coat, flinging it toward the woods by e rotheoadside,then he lay down and fell into a deep sleep. (Continued on next page.) OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE SEVEN Monday morning the paper car- ried the following story. STUDENT ATTACKED BY HIGHWAYMEN Harold Smith Robbed and Beaten By Famous Gangsters Now Operating Here After being enticed into a car ,by the highwaymen who have been operating here for the past few months, Harold Smith, a junior in the Arts and Science school, was driven past the city limits and rob- bed of his money and his dress suit Billie: My, how can you walk in such a tight skirt? Dove: My dear, I never walk. and was then thrown from the car in a badly bruised condition late Saturday night. He was found early Sunday morn- ing in a ditch by a party of tourists from Iowa. The highwaymen had removed practically all of his cloth- ing. Smith was taken to the Uni- versity Hospital where his condition was said to be not serious. According to Smith, he was on his way to the Kappa sorority house, where a formal dance was to be given, when he was offered a ride by some men who were in a large car. Smith said that he could not identify the men, as it was very dark. When they started toward the city limits, Smith said that he protested but was silenced by the highway- men. Later he was robbed and beaten and thrown from the car in- to the ditch. Officials believe that these high- waymen are of the same gang which has been terrifying the county re- cently. Smith's story was corroborated by Miss Dorothy Beloit a member of the Kappa sorority. Miss Beloit stated that Smith was to be her partner at the formal dance given by her So- rority Saturday night. She was the first to visit him at the hospital. Two days later "Dilly" entered the Delt house and mounted the stairs to the room of "Big Eye." The ob- ject of his visit was reclined, as usual, on the bed. "How much will you charge to keep your mouth shut? " "Dilly" asked warily. "What? It's worth ten but I'll take five." "Dilly" wearily produced the money and then went to his own room. Denny was seated on the bed with an empty bottle in his hands. He lifted his eyes to "Dilly" and then looked toward the closet where his topcoat should have been. "Close the door," commanded Denny. "Dilly" did. PAGE EIGHT THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 DIARY OF A HICK HOT NUMBER Sept.9.- Arrived in Columbia at 10:50 A. M. Went over to the University with my girl friend Gladys. Noticed a number of absent-looking, angular persons sunning along Broadway whom my friend - called "snakes." Sept. 10.-Began my residence at Read Hall with Gladys as my roommate. Think the matron is a fussy old lady. She gave me instructions about having dates and getting in at a certain time. Sept. 12.-Attend my classes for the first day. Very few sudents there. Find that the professors look dumb and silly. Saw one wih a little fuzz on his lip, called it a mustache. Thinks he's cute. Hell! Sept. 13.- Few more students attend classes. Met a girl from the Alpha Zs. Wants me to come over some time. Sept. 30. -Student Association passes a rule not to let the boys take girls to the football games. Think it is dirty shame! Oct. 9.-Had my first date with a snake, member of the H. A's. or something like that. He wanted to kiss me before we were two hundred yards from Read Hall. Gawd only knows what he will want to do next. Oct. 11.-Find that the boys in the frat house watch us dress every morning. Resolve to get myself some new lingerie. Oct. 24.-Get a pop quiz in Citizenship. Make nothing. Prof. says I'm flunking math. Oct. 30.- Had a washout date last night. The flop bought me a coke and tried to squeeze it out of me on the way home. Nov. 1.-Start a new month. Get my allowance from home. Spend half of it on new clothes. Nov. 5.-Get the fiftieth letter from my home town sweetheart. The poor simp. Wrote him a long letter telling him how much I love him. He swallows it all, bait, hook, line, sinker, float and pole. Nov. 16.-Had another date last night. Bum only spent thirty dollars on me. These cheap skates are dis- gusting. Nov. 28.-Find we have a holiday. Make a hot dance on the Providence Road. Get dizzy on spiked lemonade. Boys furnish cigarettes. Number of the girls come hoseless with their ankles rouged. Resolve to make all of these dances in the future. Dec. 1.-Pledge Alpha Z. Find that I'm not the only girl who wants to get married. Can inhale now. Dec. 16.--Get forty dollars worth of Christmas pre- sents and acknowledge with twenty-cents worth of post cards. They're lucky to get that much. Jan. 5.-Back afer the holidays. Slept till noon. In- structors say I have two negative hours. Don't see how I can when I haven't any hours at all. Jan. 10.-Gladys comes in at three o'clock via the fire escape, minus part of her clothes. Said something a- bout making a "helluva" dance on College Avenue. Packs her suitcase next day and goes home. Jan. 13.-Exams coming on. Don't know anything. Start packing. Jan. 16.-Begin Exams. Jan. 24.-- Flunk out. Start back for God's country and home. Pete: Has she changed much? Peter: She thinks so: Pete: How so? Peter: She's always talking about what a fool she used to be. -OUTLAW- MY CALENDAR GIRL You're as truly rare as a day in June And as hot as a day in July; You're as calm and clear as an August moon, You've the freshness of May in your eye. You've the soothing warmth of a March-day flask. And September morn in your place, But there's just one thing that I'd like to ask: Where in hell did you get that face? OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE NINE "How do you know I'm crazy?" "Aren't you married?" THE CAMPUS WAG Now, my dears, as I was saying when I called time for an illicit swig from a still more illicit bottle, let us continue. Thus the Sophists: It does not follow, as the tails of Little Bo Peep's sheep followed the sheep, that high life and the higher learning go sock in sock. If I were an erudite doctor and not a bibulous underling, I would place my finger where X marks the spot where they are wrong. But all I can do is extend my fingers from my nose and give them a leer. -----OUTLAW-- But allow me, for the nonce, to assume the role of a learned professor and to point out where the Sophists err. The dictionary defines "high" as something "not low." With all respects to Dr. Webster, Ph. D. ---boo! High life is very, very low. Carrying out the definition, "higher" is something above something that is not low. Which is more sophism. Ask any campus bootlegger. My definition of the higher learning is high life up- lifted, with the elevator constantly on the descent: -----OUTLAW---- As is the case with all things, ideas vary as to what high life is. The Freshman lives in the high realm when he takes his first drink of bad liquor. The cross- roads yap thinks he takes a high fling when he goes to Paris and ogles the Follies Bergere. There was a time when the' Wag thought he was hitting the high spots when he took the flame of his heart to the nickelodeon, bought her an ice cream soda and kissed her good night on a blushing cheek. But those days, like Tosti and the Wag's innocence, are gone forever. Curtain and funeral march. A FRESHMAN'S PRAYER The freshman are my friends; I shall not want. The upperclassmen set many rules before us to fol- low; they leadeth us as if we were blind. They taketh away my soul; they leadeth me in the path of righteousness for the sake of tradition. Yea, though I run through a long line of paddles, the freshmen will comfort me. The sophs make me do tricks of all kinds on the cam- pus, and maketh me wear a funny looking cap; my temper almost runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me till I can say I am a soph, and then, please,'give me the power to lay the paddle on hard and fast. ------OUTLAW- Where falls the Star Thru heaven's blue, A mortal dies, And a god is born. Where spreads afar The morning dew, A mortal lies. Just drunk with corn. --OUTLAW- "For high life," said the aviator, "give me an air- plane!" ---OUTLAW- That reminds us of the droll tale of the milkman and the two milkmaids, which I am off to tell the fraters. PAGE TEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 "Ever play strip Poker" "Yep, started once and got cold feet." CAMPUS PROBLEMS DISCUSSED.... ..."He is simply precious and I love him truly.." ..."But he didn't get what he knows out of a book, Frances.." .."And the car wouldn't start, so of course I got in late and the house president was at the door waiting..... "I said to him, 'Don't crowd me, Big Boy, don't crowd me..." and he said, "My God, Can't you see how crazy I am about you..." "That's a dirty book." "Let me at it!" "Wait till I dust it off." - PRINCETON TIGER. "Am I the first girl you ever kissed?" "As a matter of tact, yes." -C. C. N. Y. MERCURY. Fraternity: "What do you think of my girl?" Brother: "Lots of things that I shouldn't." -WESLEYAN WASP. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE ELEVEN "Since when does Mamie go to church every Sun- day?" "Oh, she meets a lot of good customers that way." Once I threw A boy over I spent a week Regretting it. Once I didn't throw a boy over I spent a year regretting it. He threw me over. "Your time has come," said the maid as she brought back the watch from the jeweler's. ----OUTLAW---- Cupid's golden arrows Are the queerest things I know. For when he hits a girl with one It turns into a beau. PAGE TWELVE THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Girl: Charley kissed me last night. _Ma: Did you sit on him for it. Girl: I was. THE BROWN DERBY, or HER SISTER FROM WAH- WAH, WISCONSIN When Mabel came to Vassar she was just one of those innocent things who didn' know what it was all about. But, in the proximity of contamin- tion, she soon learned what the faculty couldn't- or didn't-teach her. And so she became an ob- ject of the crusaders of the Higher Moral who thought her a very brazen hussy. Now about this time Dan Cupid shot one of his peas through his pea shooter and-Mabel fell. His name was Zilchzilch Q. Ratbelly and he went to fair Hawvawd, of caws. Not only that, but he had a beautiful mole on his left-or was it his right cheek, and he had estates in Patagonia whither he hied every summer to hunt the elusive and rare ishthywmprms. On one of these trips he took Mabel, now Mrs. Ratbelly, ,along with him, as a matter of con- venience. But the purple fever seized him, boys, and he lost his memory. He thought he was a native sheik and got up a harem of indigenious if not indigent Keystose beauties. Shattered, nerve-wrecked, broken, Mabel return- ed to Vassar to finish her course in ulterior path- ology which was so rudely interrupted by her nuptials to the. decaying Ratbelly. The girls whispered behind her chemise that she was a grass widow, but Mabel denied the whispers. Furthermore, she had a sister in Wahwah, Wis., but that, as 0. O. McIntyre says, is another yarn. WHAT TO DO When your date has her roommate phone you she,'s sick and the Missourian comes out at four o'clock with her name as a fraternity dance guest: Go home Toast, "Confusion to all Women" Get drunk Read Schopenhauer's essay "On Women." Start a poker game Unlucky in love - lucky at cards Win all the money'in the house Read Schopenhauer's essay again Play solitaire Play "Don't Think You'll Be Missed" on the victrola "There's more fish swimming. Than's ever been caught" is the chorus Kick your dog Cuss your roommate Write the girl back home Look over Schopenhauer's essay again Phone 1500 Go to Stephens College ---OUTLAW- Mrs. Preacher: Isn't is awful the way these co-eds rouge up? Miss I. M .Smith: Terrible. But what girl wants to keep withih the pale of the law? -----OUTLAW- "I can't find my chewing gum." "'pon my'sole." OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THIRTEEN Strike Leaves Hell Freezing With Satan Tearing His Beard Firemen and Engineers Walk out when Satanic Majesty Re- fuses Demands (By the United Puzzle.) HADES, Sept., 15.-Hell freezes over at last! No longer will inhabitants of the mundane shore say until hell freezes over, for the time has arrived. Hell is freezing ,due to a walkout of 23,990 members of the Amalgated Firemen of Hades, Local 473, and the Associated Engi- neers of Purgatory, Pluto Local No. 666. The fire, brimstone and sulphur heating services at His Satanic Majesty's palace are being run by bums, movie actors, students, and other loafers pressed into :service. His Infernal Highness has appealed for volun- ,eers and has sent an S. 0. S. to Mr. Peter, Guardian of ,the Pearly Gates, asking for relief. Elevators are being prepared for the descent. The trouble began when one of the Overseers employ- ,ed a fireman who had no union card. The men de- manded that the non-union worker be discharged but Now my dear children, this is a fable of a bad little boy, Hellsipop, and a good child, Horation Angus. When little Hellsi was a mere child it was common play for him to saw the legs off the new piano or swat dirty flies on the nice new wallpaper. Angus was quite different. He was born at an early .age when such things were -childish. At nine months he knew why "Mamma Loves Papa" and could count up to ten with a little help. He drank his gin straight and didn't much approve of our hard-boiled little egg, Hellsipop. They were both bright. They dated the teacher in psychology and copied each others papers in arithmetic. They passed in every morning and passed out every night. And played marbles for keeps. They were break- ing up things in the kindergarten when most little boys are learning to neck. Liitle Horatio chewed the plug tobacco Hellsi stole from his grandmarm but didn't like Hellsi's aim with the cuspidor. were met with refusal. The walkout followed and hell broke loose. This is the first time in 3,960,762,531 years that the everlasting fires has ceased to burn. His Royal Low- n-ess raves like the Devil and declares he will never capitulate to the worker's demands, which he terms "hellish." HADES, Sept. 15. (Special).-Hell is still the helluva place it used to be. General Manager Peter sent down a thousand strike breakers but instead of firing the furnaces they play carols on their saxaphones. The college students chime in with outlandish yells and hymns like, "Red Hot Pajamas," "Hinky-Dinky," and ."Boozer Brown." Mr. Peter, it is said, will soon request his angels to return, for he is getting lonesome with- out them. They were both six when they took up bank robbing. And more than that, passed the course. Hellsi was bright; his father said so the night Hellsi burned the house to the ground with a box of safety matches. And Horatio was good looking; his mother admitted it when you caught her napping. Then they took up plumbing. They didn't know their phyrenoid glands leaked or their metamorphosis their phyrenoid glands leaked or their metomorphosis backfired. That was the insidious thing about it! And they operated for a simple case of hangnails that al- niost any body could cure in a year or so. Horatio didn't much approve of Hellsi's follow through with the lead pipe. They had to stay after school every night from then on and just look at each other. Which was hell to pay-Hellsi never did look well in Buster Brown col- lars! MORAL: When you fly, take your specs with you. ------OUTLAW- ALWAYS ROOM AT THE TOP PAGE FOURTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925, A FRESHMAN IS -- - -the bird who takes all things literally seriousl. -an animal it takes four years to civilize. -a goof, a gawk, a boob, a bonehead, a simp, and every other synonym for "sap." -the green apple who thinks college is a place for study. -what is rushed during rush week. -the owner of a certain part of the anatomy which comes in for a great deal of paddling. - the object of certain prohibitory rules until Thanksgiving. --the student who has great ambitions about being a P. B. K. -everything the word implies. -well, ask the Sophs. --OUTLAW-- O lovers have said it And poets have sung it You'll probably guess it Before I've begun it. But, dear, now listen, It's sad but true, You love me But I don't love you! --NOTRE DAME JUGGLER SAYINGS OF MR. SOLOMON TO HIS SON AT COLLEGE Oy listen mine child: I, Solomon himself, are shipping you hereby a check by which to pay your teachers at your constitution of higher learning and also the doc- tors in the. hospital. Now what is the use of paying the doctors money for nothing? I hope you will be able to get your money's worth and use the hospital a lot because I believe in getting more than I pay. And don't ask me for no more checks because maybe you won't get any more. And I don't mean maybe. There are four things I want to give you some good advise on. The first is about your drinking boots what the college people have when the teachers aint looking. I have no objection to them but nowadays they must cost all of $1.50. In my days it was different. When I went to collich I got drunk on 15 cents and beer was only a nickel a glass. The fourth article I want you to keep away from is the women. Especially the one what is still there and I used to go walking with. They tell me she aint been ,walking for years. At any rates, I'll tell you a little story. I took her walking one night. Well you don't have to know the details but she made a fool out of me. Hoping you are the same, I think I am, Solomon, your own poppa. ---OUTLAW- Give me the sentence with the word "Annette." I took Ann to a restaurant. And Annette! Give me a sentence with the word "moron." He piled it high and then he piled s'moron. ---OUTLAW- Give me a sentence with the word "porcupine." The butcher said to the housewife, "For my porcupine." ---OUTLAW-- First Lordship: Hello, hello, hello, what do you say to a bit of a pip of a bally stroll down the Strawnd, eh what, jolly eh, hello. Second Bloke: And drop in some awfter for tea and muffins and perhaps a chortle of a snifter or a snortle or two, dontcherknow, what? Hello. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE FIFTEEN WHO'S WHO AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI OUR OWN SAVITAR (Pictures omitted so as not to frighten the children.) Miss Dorothy Flapjack; Eta Peesa Cake Sorority, D. U. M. B. Circle, Ho-Low Up, Catty Club. Jonathan Puncture: A. S. S. Fraternity, Select Seventy-seven, Mystical Half-a-dozen. Miss Cooney Coonskin: Honorary Private R. O. T. C., Jabba Jabba Jabba Sorority. Studious Chimpanzee: Official boner of the Rah Rah Rah Fraternity, Chief Janitor of the Students Religious Union. Miss Dumber Yett: Winner of Stockyards Popularity Contest, member of Titttle Tattle Sorority, Tattle-tales, Q. E. D. Percival Cheese: Only claim to fame is that he suffers from fatty degenration of the brain. Wing Wung: Outsider. Comes from foreign country. Baptist. Miss Cuttie Snott: Dad owns large packing plant. She belongs to everything worth belonging to. Also Moral Club. Sic M. Blue: Fashion plate for Liver, McSweeney and Parks neckties. Member of Hart, Schaffner & Marx. Miss Homely Mugg: Arts and Science. H. A. Chippie Porkchop: Member of Powder-Puff, Pink Tea, and P. D. D. Miss Josephine Sprat: Gossip Club, Modernist Club, Juicy Fruit Club, Smizzle Society. Jehosophat Cotidianus Mange: Jezzerino Juleps, Homer Study Club, Stacomb-Hansom Society, T. N. T. Miss Matilda Munkey: Bla Bla Bla Sorority, Nosem Good Sorority, Soup-drinkers Union. Private detective to Dean Priddy by appointment. ---OUTLAW- OH HORACE, WHAT SHALL I DO? Seated one night in the Cozy I was weary and ill at ease, When my fingers wandered listless Over soneone's knees I know not what I'd been drinking Or what I was thinking then, But it gave me a fit I must admit As it will with the "best of men. I leaned over close in the darkness And while the organ sighed, I asked what she had on that evening And if she was occupied. And she snuggled close in the blackness And then in a voice so low Came the ripple of soft southern accent And my pulses throbbed-She said "No." And we sauntered out to the lobby And my spinal cord whipped up my back And the lights ........... Oh myGawdshewasblack! ENCYCLOPAEDIA MISSOURIENSIS JOURNALIST-A slick-garbed sucker bound for the gutter with joy in his heart. LIBRARY--A place of amusement with an early closing hour. NECKING-The school sport; a game for an even number of players; darkness and quiet desirable but not necessary for.success. ROOMMATE-Financial agent-ward robe- nui- sance and first resort for blind dates. ST. PATS -- A period in the siring when the en- gineers wear their true colors. S-A mark occasionally bestowed by instructors on the productions of their farternity brothers and others particularly favored. (Popular impression.) SAVITAR--A chronicle of the year's crime with chromos of the criminals; what everybody wants but hates to pay for. STEPHENS-A cutie college where girls spend their time writing and receiving special delivery letters, breaking dates, and dodging the decalogs. BARB-A pinless dumbell who passes the time by telling about the pins he turned down. BLIND DATE-Columbus took a chance but it was a sure shot compared with yours. BOOTLEGGER-The man Wearing a coon skin coat with a Packard. BUSTEE--A man who was. CITIZENSHIP-A freshman coure required by the authorities to insure freshmen enough sleep. CROSS COUNTRY-A track man's fall foolishness. DATE-A liability. E-An obselete hieroglyphis found on old math papers and occasionally used by the military depart- ment. Unknown to Prof. Ellwood, Dean Williams and other investigators. ENGINEER-A dumbell dressed like an Ag who run around the red campus looking at co-ed knees through transits. FOOTBALL-A sport of titans. They clutch a ball for twelve weeks and are clutched by co-eds for twelve months-modern version of "only the brave deserve the fair." FORMAL-Getting drunk in a tux. HOMECOMING-Great fall liquor festival. HYPOCRITE-One who eats at a hamburger stand and picks his teeth in front of the Daniel Boone Tavern. ---OUTLAW-- Fresh: "Where in the hell is the funny paper." Soph: "The funny paper? Today is Wednesday. I told you not to take a bath last night." PAGE SIXTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Black: "What you'll shaving for, honey." Blacker: "Don't get so personal on such a short notice." ---OUTLAW-- AS I WAS SAYING Hayward V. Hellandman was an aristocratic young student with a thirty dollar a month allowance and rubber heels. A week after he came to college some fraternity chappies disregarded his bell bottom drawers and put a little pin his coat lapel. If Hay had only known it, his college education was now complete; but it was not to be, which mean that father must need continue his job-as the only shovel and broom man in a 200 horse town. One day Hay and his fraternity decided that he must blossom forth in an English lounge sack. And so our present hero saw three months advance allowance on his slender shape every time he did his stuff before a mirror. Which was probably fine in a way. Or maybe not. Be that so it should, Hellandam realized that al- though he now could rate high class dates in his king's jester outfit, he must find a large pot of gold in order to satisfy his embarassing habit of being hungry three times a day. To say nothing of his liquor, cigarette and women habit which had come with his Citizenship course. Which was not so fine. And that is the reason why Hayward went home to take care of one half the streets on his father's route. ----OUTLAW-- YE BALANCE SHEET What I gave her:- 1 heart. 1 frat pin 1 set of furs 6 pairs of silk stockings 12 dozen roses 16.boxes of candy 18 assemblies 40 movies. 120 taxi rides 1000 hours of time What she gave me:- 1 atmosphere 1 gate ( ORANGES ARE RED, or AIN'T IT A SHAME Scene: Courthouse at Dayton, Tenn. Officer W. Jennings Bryan Murphy: Jadge, y'r honor, the prisoner at the bar has been acting suspicious-like all summer. He never wears a hat and has no visible means of support, neither have his socks. I've asked him a hunnerd times what he does for a livin' and he says he's a stu- dent. Judge: What's your name, prisoner? Prisoner: James Gazumpus Wuff. Judge: Occupation? Stude: No, student. Judge: That settles it. I sentence you to 10 years in the bug house. (Officer Murphy leads prisoner away.) Judge: Hold on! Do you believe in evolution? Prisoner: No, your honor. Judge: Sentence suspended. Case dismissed. Next! ---OUTLAW--- THE DANCE Raucous, the yammering sax gyrates the air And crashes sedulous soporifics thru the gloom While knee-length skirts contort the torrid tom- tom That shafts from the ululating fugue And fevered striplings bend their liquored breath To languid eyes and begging lips and throbbing breasts That call for trophies frenzy Under the deodars.... Pretty girl in a pretty frame, I know not who you are, I know not your name. But I know you will always and forever be Just a pretty girl in a pretty frame to me. ------OUTLAW- MY DEAREST CHUM My dearest chum, I love you true, You know 'tis so, you know I do. I love your eyes of Paradise, I love your hands, that shine like eyes. I love your heart, your faithful heart That beats so steady when when you start. My dearest chum, I love you true; But there's one thing I hate -- I do! 'Tis true your heart beats steadily, 'Tis true your hands and heart agree, But when you're tired, you stop, and then I hate to wind you, Baby Ben. A girl can't help being bad looking perhaps, but she could stay at home. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE SEVENTEEN OUT TO OUR HOUSE Us Alpha Sigma Sigmas have been having a heck of a time. Oi Oi Oi, the national Irish sorority, has a mortgage on our shack and furniture. You know the Oi Oi Oi's can be distinguished by their kinky hair, high cheek bones, and Roman noses. Well, the other night we had just started to hang pledge pins, on five boot-leggers sons from St. Louis when in came two husky Oi Oi's. "Got de interest," they asked. Waving their arms around as though they were trying to emulate their paron, S. Vitus. 'Shhh," the brothers cautioned. "We won't be shhheded," they came back. "We want the interest or dese davenport." Well the financial hopes on the davenport got up and looked rather surprised as the Oi Oi Oi's walked out with the furniture. We did hang a pin on one of the rushees before he recovered from the daze. But the others followed the 01 Oi Oi's outside. We may be serving meals on our pool table if this thing keeps up. ----OUTLAW- EXCELSIOR Onward and upward! Our jokes may be low life but our principles are with High Life. We are all for the higher things of life, higher hats, higher gutters, higher skirts, and a hotter hell. Some may be for conservatism in thougt and deed, but we say with Shakespeare, "Lead on MacDuff and damned be he who first cries enough." ---OUTLAW- SAD There was a young man from Galloping Ridge Who ambled to College to be Educated; He learned to shoot Craps and he learned to play Bridge, And he learned to chase Women without getting Mated. And when he got out of the Institute, He got him a job in the Barnyard of Pater; Now while feeding the Pigs, he plays on the Flute The Rah-rah-rah Song of his old Alma Mater. -----OUTLAW-- SAVED! "Help!" she hollered. "I'm drowning!" So he threw her a cake of soap and gently wash- ed her back. ---OUTLAW--- TheMaterialist: Lean against my manly chest, sweetheart, but don't break my fountain pen. -OUTLAW-- "Has you-all grajewated?" "Nossuh, ah's quituated.' "What you mean, niggah, is flunctuated." "What a funny tail your dog has. I never, noticed it before. "No, it always has been behind." ----OUTLAW---- HIBERNIAN HIGH LIFE Abie: Vat vas dot you found on de sidewalk? Ikie: I hate to tell you Abie. Abie: You and me has bin frat brothers since Noah vas a pledge we've had no secrets. Ikie: Vell I won't tell, but if I ever ketch de guy what spits like dimes I'm going to kil em. FRESHMEN IN LOBBY OF DUMAS APARTMENTS Fresh: "Is this where Kinkelstein lives?" Janitor: "No this is a fireproof building." O'Brien: Why aren't you Jews allowed on the golf links? Cohen: Because we can't say fore, we have to say three ninety-eight. ENGLISH HISTORY CLASS Prof.: How did Disraeli, the Prime Minister, lose his debate with Queen Victoria? Stude: Guess she tied his hands behind his back. THE DIFFERENCE "You baffled, Sheriff?" "No-o. It did look sorter like murder, though, until I found out Bill really had a grudge again the feller." ......-HARVARD LAMPOON. ----OUTLA---- She was beautiful, but I couldn't ask her for another (late. Not after she asked me what college put out "College Humor." PAGE EIGHTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Aggie Bill Writes Home Kolumbia, Mo. September 27th, 1925. Dear Ma & Pa; I sure is sorrie that I did not put an stamp on that there letter I wrote to you last weak but I was a thinkin it was one of those kind of things that has already a stamp on ihem. You know what i mean, a postal kard like you get at the postoffice. Those coraspondence lessons dad had me take from Farmer Burns in boxing did not help me at all last Tues nite. They had a dance over to the gim and so as the boys had hein acktin rite toward me I thought I would go. I jest knew it would not be a dern thing like the one we had in the barn last summer when I was home, but any how I started and was caught by a gang of Eng. & Aggs. You know us Frosh are not suposed to go out at nights. Anyway I told them I was up here learnin to farm and then they started to beat on me. I have been sore ever since. At them too. Learning this new fangled stuff does come hard Ma. They make me take a course called Citizenship and it sure are terrible. They give you English, eco. sco, histry and govt all in this won class. One of my teachers has already told me I was the dummest boy he ever saw. I wonder did he mean that for a compliment or a slam? They are teaching -me not to say "aint" and "lern" for "teach" and "seen" for "saw." I see no sense to it and I wouldn't learn it only the girls in this town talk that way and since I, of course, will -be with them a hole lot I thought I had better lern to talk that a way so they would not feel hurt when I went to call on them. You should see me in my military une- form Ma. It do not fit near as well as them overalls you got me In St. Louis. They are trying to make a soldier boy out of your dar- ling boy, and they most killed me already yet so soon. They give me a gun yesterday but I do not see what I can do with it. They make me carry it on my sholder all the time, and I aint seen narry a thing to shoot yet unless it would be some of these smarty guys that make me button all the time. Jest the same I am doing the best I can so i can be a lieut. and not have to do anything. How many chickens has the old hen got left? I was sorry to hear that the old cow dyed, but Ma, she was old and no account any way. Did the feller fly in that air flying machine what was advertized to? Has you been to see and hear the new preacher at the berg yet? I heard tell he is young and good looking. Maybe sis will have more luck vamping him than she did the last one. I am staying with a boy from Bolivar and he is a good fellow when he are not tight. Perhaps you dont understand that word. It is a word us college fellows use for drunk. He says I am countrified, all of which I aint, as you know cause I did go to the state fair with dad one year. Anyway he has used up that barr of soap what you sent me. Some- time when you are sending me some thing pleeze put in an other bar. Must close now as I have to write my gal Sal Pall a card and tell her how swell I am getting around in the University. Tell dad I am doing no gambling but that there money order he sent me was just a little small for a college man. Your darling boy, Bill. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE NINETEEN Me: "Here is a snapshot of my girl at the beach." You: "Snapshot! I call that an ex- posure." PAGE TWENTY THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 HOW ABOUT THIS CASE JUDGE A report has come to this office of a very strange case that occured during the hot sum- mer months near a certain college town. A couple were parked on a country road several miles from town when another car, driven by one arm, hit the parked car. During the crash the lip of the girl in the parked car was bitten, and blood poison set in. Two weeks afterwards she died, and they now have her boy friend up for manslaughter. ------OUTLAW-- Francis: Is it true that you are engaged to three other men besides me? Frances: Why? Francis: Well, I was just thinking we might raise a subscription to buy an engagement ring. JOHN HOPKINS BLACK & BLUE JAY. -----OUTLAW-- Spinster: "I'm not a day over thirty." He: "I'm beginning to believe that. I've been hear- ing it for the last twenty years." -BROWN JUG. -----UTLAW-- Hal: A lot of these chorus girls went to college. Al: Sure, that's where they learned to kick. N. Y. U. MEDLEY. Mr. Dale Beronius What is worse than a drunken husband? A drunken wife. " THOSE STEPHENS GIRLS" With Apologies Those Stephens girls across the way Perch in th-eir windows day by day, And show us men as we go by That they are far from being shy. They wave and becon from each hall To every man who's prone to fall. They paint, and fix, and squirm, and priimp In hopes some male they'll sometime tempt. But when a man is won their way, He gets command to stand at bay. They bid for him too much to tell, But when he falls, he's S. O. L. N'er mind, old girls, you'll learn some day Just what we men think of your way. You'll learn that we are also wise To all those moves made by your eyes. Now girls, calm down, stop all that play Before you lead some lad astray. Don't vamp, don't flirt, just be real nice, And your reward will stand the price. C. R. J. ----OUTLAW-- "Clarice! You have that faint intangible air of the Orient about you." "You stay away from me with that cold." "What makes you think I have a cold?" "This morning the cat/knocked the disinfectant into the tub while I was taking a bath." -HARVARD LAMPOON. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-ONE DAMFINO The cream-puff puffs alarmingly The chile has a chill. If phonographs won't sing to me, Then who the devil will? Now, Tag my (log, has got the gout, The donkey's bray is braid. The postman's lost his letter route, And so the plot is laid. Oh, sing a song of leaping hor-s, And walking doctor bills, Have yon a certain cure for corns Don't pick the daffodils. We've got the socks all on the run Un vin blane, sil vous 'plait, Sister where's the hot cross hun? We saw it cross this way The lights are out, where are the lights? I think my board is fare. 'Oh dearie set the room to rights and then they got the air. P. S.-Sweetie pass the door jamb, I want some on my bread, And I'm so tired, I think that I Will let the table spread. BLUE EYES I've seen lots of women, and what I have seen has been fine, but I'm thru with all that stuff now, and lhere's why. I had a girl in New Orleans, who was plenty hot e- nough, but she soon cooled off and I left her flat for another up in Maine. But she was one of the old Puritan stock, and plenty stock she had, but she couldn't throw the dog, so I got a red hot mama down in old New York, that had them all behind. Now I hung around this broad of mine till I wore my wel- come out, so I drifted west to dear oldChi,where I met a stock yard queen, and hooked her from the start. She had honesty and jack, and I stayed until both were gone and told her I'd be back. But I'm thru with all that now. I've settled down to one. This girl I have I'll let you know is nothing like you guess. She doesn't drink, or smoke or joke, hut inan how slI '' can cook and love. ----OUTLAW-- She isn't exactly a gold digger; but she's always looking for the silver lining. ---STAN FORD CHAPARRAL. Silly: Every restaurant should have a ball player? Billy: Why a ball player? Silly: So tlat the flies could be caught and put out! - STANFORD CHAPARRAL. Song Leader: "Let's sing 'Little Drops of Water' a- gain, and please put a little spirit into it." --COUGAR'S PAW. POPPY Now I've thought of you as a rose But it wouldn't fit your pose And I've thought of you as a daffodil Like the one down by the mill Somehow they don't explain you For none of them will do For altho it may be naughty I'm to call you Poppy. Short and slender, with a red red check, Deep blue eyes, with an azure streak A dreaming poppy, that all day long Spreads its fragrance, till all have gone. But poppies are like pleasure spread You seize the flower, the bloom is shed Or like the snowfall on the river, A moment white, then gone forever. So I'll never seize my poppy For I love the bloom it bears But I'll always cherish and protect it In the garden of my heart. THE FROSH The meekly frosh comes here to school With orders not to break the rules By going to shows and having dates, Which rules most froshies always break. He buttons here, he buttons there, He's paddled almost everywhere; He's given the law on every side, Alas! Poor froshie must abide. Where work's to do, he's handy man , The Sophs just use him all they can, A fool of him they always make. What bitter things the frosh must take ! N'er mind, old frosh, your day will come, You will not always be the scum, A man of you they'll make some day Let's hope, let's wish, let's ever pray. C. R. J. PAGE TWENTY-TWO THE OUTLAW The average woman has a vocabulary of about 700 words. It's a small stock, but think of the turnover. HE IS TO OPEN HOUSE NIGHT was in full sway. Ches and Wal, the Nut brothers were navigating from sorority to sorority with prodigious difficulty. Good men, these-strong and true-but now and then their licker got the upper hand. At length they reached the K. Y. House, and, finding the punch in an unadulterated state, de- cided to pitch their tent here for the remainder of the evening. Wal, true to his forbears, partly submerged him- self in the-divan and made a contented motor-like sound by blowing against his limp lower lip. He was drunk and he was comfortable. Ches, how- ever was in an agile mood. So, as the Ki Yi's had pledged this year for grades Ches Nut experienced no difficulty in securing a dance partner. As he danced he hummed a tune. And he swayed and the girl swayed and the room swayed. Too much swaying. So Ches heaved a discouraged sigh and sank to the floor. He made many noises as he sank. Too many noises. So Wal awakened and stumbled over to his fallen brother. "Ches," he sadly, "you're drunk." Ches wiped several beads of perspiration, some- what smaller than golf balls from his brow. "I ain't neither." Wal was insistent. "Do you see a bunch of yel- low and green elephants in this room, all carrying American flags?" "No." Wal beamed happily. "Now I know you're drunk, 'cause the room's full of them!" They both became unconscious and the orches- tra carried them out. OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-THREE "Like me?" asked the proud sailor just home from the sea. "Well," said the blushing wife, "your boy's like you but not so dumb." -OUTLAW---- Proud Father: Now, Sammy, tell me where was the Declaration of Independence signed. Sammy: At the bottom, Father. --OUTLAW-- School Teacher: "Richard, do you know what happens to boys who use bad words when they play marbles?" Richard: "They grow up and play golf." -OUTLAW- Haughty Lady (who has purchased a stamp): "Must I put it on myself?" Post Office Assistant (politely): "Not necessarily ma'm.... It will probably accomplisl more if you put it on the letter." -OUTLAW- "I know a man who says he cannot sit down and he cannot stand up." "If he tells the truth he lies." -OUTLAW---- Just because the girls laugh at your remaiks is no proof that you're witty. Perhaps they have pretty teeth. -- DENVER PARRAKEET. --OUTLAW- Lady: I want a pair of garters. Clerk:What kind? Lady: Rubber. Salesman: If I do I will lose my job. His lordship is now a fashionable dresser. Hospitable Host: "Won't you have some more duck, Miss Stunner?" Bashful Guest: "No, thank you." H. H.: "Oh, do. Here's a nice little leg, just your size." --PITT PANTHER. "Say, Diogenes, why the lantern?" "I never trust these Greek women in the dark." - N. Y. U. MEDLEY. "This must be a theatrical chicken." "WVhy?" "Nothing on it." - STEVENS STONE MILL. The blackest pages in all history are to he found in tiose chapters dealing with negro lynching. --BROWN JUG. The Finis. The Outlaw Contributing Editors Chairman Advertising Manager EDWARD D. McCLUSKEY JAMES H. NASH DAVID M. FLOURNOY Business Manager PAULINE STONER CLAUDE H. BINYON ERIE H. SHERMAN Advertising Assistants Chicago, Illinois Art Directors WESLEY K. NASH WARREN KRAUSE GEORGE HAMILTON A. L. FINESTONE DALE BERONIUS Circulation Manager St. Louis. Mo. KENNETH LANKFORD JIMMIE HAMILTON THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year, Subscription price for the full year is $1.50. Office situated at the corner of Conley and Gentry Avenues. Address all communication to THE OUTLAW, Columbia. Missouri. Copyright 1925. Material must not be used without permission. VOLUME II. OCTOBER 1925. NUMBER I. THE OUTLAW GODFATHER, O. O. McINTYRE, NEW YORK CITY. What ho! You allon-panted addicts of the higher learn- ing. What ho and how are you. Glad to see you back. The Outlaw thrills with you at the sight of the columned campus, sings the old Mizzou songs once again with you, weeps with you but, more frequently, laughs with you that there is an other year of fun ahead of us. The bird of time is no lag- gard. A year ago and we were just beginning another school year. A year from now and we'll be selling stocks and bonds. But let us live to the fullest while we may, for, Omar says, tomorrow there will be no maying, and let us pay as little attention as possible to the fatuous parrotings of the grandiloquent hirelings dubbed professors. And after all, as Flapper Fanny so succinctly mouths it, blime you bloomin' limey, what of it? The Outlaw wishes to express his extreme appreciation of the valuable aid that has been rendered to him in the making of this issue, Former students who are willing to help and give their time to making this one of the best comics in the country show that the Old Spirit of Mizzou still lives. He now thanks Mr. Dale Beronius,, of the Kansas City Star, Mr. Warren Krause, of Kansas City, Mr. A. L. Finestone of St. Louis, and Mr. Claude H. Binyon of Chicago for the work they have done on this High Life Number. HELLO FOLKS This issue marks the beginning of a second and new year for the Outlaw. Last year the publi- cation fought hard to establish itself on the cam- pus as a publication portraying the humor of the campus. Success cannot come to anything that is really worth while and lasting in the short period of one school year. But the Outlaw accomplished many of the things it started out last year to perform and will "carry on" this year in a more intensive manner to give to the student body the best Tiger comedy that is possible. Some of last year's staff have left. Those that are back will unite with the new members elected to-make the magazine one that every student will appreciate. With a new editorial board this year comes a new policy and one which this body hopes will meet with approval. New plans have been drawn up in order to make the book better. A series of numbers have been laid out for the year; and the plan of the magazine has been changed in general. Plans are completed to departamentalize the maga- zine in order to touch on every activity on the cam- pus. So with the first issue we start a new year. We hope that it will be a successful one, and one that will bring to the student body of Missouri a series of good numbers. The staff will devote itself to this task, and with the support of the stu- dent body it cannot fail. PECK DRUG CO. PAGE TWENTY-SIX THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 Other Campus Comedy SO THEY SNEAKED OUT They were being married after a beautiful courtship of two years. The minister had almost completed the ceremony, when lie said the usual words, "Is there any one who hath objections to joining these two in holy wedlock? If so let him speak now." A loud knock was heard on the church door. The attendants opened the door, and an old man with a long white beard struggled in, with his hand raised aloft. A thrill ran through the crowd. Some dramatic scene was sure to be enacted. The old man continued his way down the aisle. When he reached the very altar le turned around and addressed the audience. "Folks," he said, "let me tell you the real story of the battle of Antietam. It was a cold night and them damn rebels were coming down from the Shenandoah Mountains--" -- MICHIGAN GARGOYLE. IN LOVE WITH LOVE Virginia and I Revel in the moonlight: How romantic she is! I am just as romantic, And, when we kiss, Each of us feels The same gentle surge of passion. But alas! We two are in love- But not with each other! We are like George Washington and me Playing marbles! We both played- But we never got in the same game. -BROWN JUG. Real Estate Agent: I don't see why you hesitate. This tobacco plantation is a bargain at any price. Budding Financier: I was just deciding whether I would grow cigars or cigarettes. -HAMILTON ROYAL GABOON. SPENCERED Ye stagge atte eve hadde drunke hys fille, He ydlly staggerede offe ye floore, Hys heade, between hys handes, he bore Ande placed ytte onne an widowe sylle. An nyftye ribbe came rite behynde, Ande sweetie asked hym to desyste. "0 sweetehearte, whye muste you persyst Yn rev'llynge yn yourre drunkene shame." "Lettes starte aryght, ande nowe beginne." Withe tremblyng handes herre aide he spyrnned, "For you," with tear-stained face he tyrnned, "My deare, I'm gyvvyng uppe thisse ginne." CORNELL WIDOW- There once was a lady from Kan. Who loved to attend all the Dan. But it's said that she drinks And everyone thinks That she takes some awfully bad chan. ---DARTMOUTH JACK O' LANTERN. Son: "Mother who put the statue under the kitchen. sink." Mother: "Sssh, sonny, don't make any noise. That's the plumber." -STANFORD CHAPARRAL. Let's go on a sleighing party. Fine. Wait till I get my gun." - HARVARD LAMPOON. "All geniuses are conceited." "Oh, I don't know. I'm not." -COLUMBIA JESTER. Western Electric Company PAGE TWENTY EIGHT THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 CAMPUS TALK Scandal of the school-something that every- one wants to hear and pass on but likes to make believe they are keeping it Q. T.-the password of hypocrisy and indiscreetion-to you we dedicate this page. This last week has been spent in recupera- ting from rush week. There are several kinds of weeks-including Sec. Weeks and the famous Three Weeks of Elinor Glyn. Those are the best we know of. Anyhow rush week has brought out the characteristics of the "400" of Missouri. The corner of ninth and ????? has spiked a man who will not pledge until October 1st. We wonder why. One of our last year co-ed drinking teams has not returned. Probably are now doing as Omar Khayyam wished he might do. A rumor has come to us that one of the fraternities on Rol- lins and Maryland insisted on putting a pledge pin in a man's coat. They insisted so strongly that the victim offered to choose the next man that ap- proached him. So the matter was then dropped. He has now pledged a milder type of organization. We have often wondered why the Delts and the A. T. O's do not start unique rushing parties, by turning out their lights about eleven o'clock and watching their neighbors ou the west. We are certain that the rushees would enjoy it as much as the old members have in the past. After this month we are pleasen to announce that Miss. I. A. Catte will write up this page. She has excellent references from the Amalgamated Tattle-Tale-Union. We wish her success in fer- reting out any scandal that she may find. ---OUTLAW---- NOT SO GOOD. Did you ever sit an(d ponder And try to realize The love I hold for you-- No! Well, I never did eit'er. First She: "Why are you standing there posing before, that window in your lingerie? Second She: "For Art's sake." Junior Orpheum Circuit OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-NINE. The Cut-em Safety razor company received the fol- lowing letter the other day. Dear Sir: Enclosed you will please find five dollars for one of your best safety razors and some shaving cream. Yours truly, John Nervy. P. S. I forgot to enclose the five dollars but any com- pany with as much money as yours doesn't need it. J. N. The Cut-em company sent this reply: Dear Sir: Enclosed you will find the razor and cream as or- dered. Sincerely yours, Cut-em Razor Company. P. S. We forgot to enclose the razor and cream but anyone with your cheek doesn't need to shave. --HAMILTON ROYAL GABOON. A co-ed who came from Mauchunk, Sometimes got artistically drunk, Till some bad gin she tookie Then snapped up her cookie, And now she says drinking's the hunk. -PITT PANTHER. "Say, little one, is my face good for a pack of cigaret- tes?" "No, but it might do for a tobacco pouch." ---COLUMBIA JESTER. VIRGINIA PHARMACY Taylor Music Company HOPPER-POLLARD DRUG CO. The University Barber Shop UNIVERSITY FRUIT COMPANY PAGE THIRTY THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 MILANO MOVE OVER FAIR ONE A wealthy man and his wife owed their maid wages in the amount of twenty dollars. The maid had tried several ways of collect- ing the money but they all had failed. She at last decided to play sick until they paid her. The family doctor was called in, and after a close examination, the doctor began to sing- "My little girl you're only fooling. That's as plain as day," said he. She sang, "They owe me twenty dollars, and I can not make them pay, and here I lay until they pay me. "That's a darn good scheme," said he, "My little girl they owe me fifty, move over and make room for me." RECREATION PARLOR OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THIRTY-ONE Vanity Fair Think It Over! A BUSINESS EDUCATION and the PLACE TO GET IT ROSENTHAL SCHOOL of COMMERCE will insure success and help you with your University work Enroll Now! Three Schools: ELVIRA BUILDING for University students at BIBLE COLLEGE. Brande Branch at Jefferson City, BACON BUILDING Telephones: 1095 1214 Green. CAMPUS LUNCH Hotel Baltimore THE SPIRIT OF '76 I'm Sick of these Verses that lead one on And on, and on, and on, and on, There's no catch to this - he wanted A kiss. Instead of one - he got '76. PAGE THIRTY-TWO THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925 SIXTY-EIGHT YEARS IN BUSINESS Branham Beauty Shoppe The Canteen Scott's Book Shop The Ridgway Company McAllister's CAFE and CAFETERIA Missouri Barbecue WHITE EAGLE DAIRY CO. ANYONE CAN GO TO THE MISSOURI-KANSAS GAME THE OUTLAW has made arrangements with the Hotel Baltimore, in Kansas City for accomodations for a limited number of students. We can give you a cheaper rate than you can secure personally. Come in to see us about it. Conley at Gentry THE OUTLAW DEN Conley at Gentry Lucky Strike Cigarettes