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High Life Number!
Dorn-Cloney Laundry and
Dry Cleaning Co.
Boone County Trust
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE ONE
PAGE TWO THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Victor Barth Clothing Co.
'he Tavern Drug Store
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THREE
LOOKS IS DECEIVING
"Shake, Henry, I'se glad you is willin' to make up."
"Watch out, nigguh! I'se only smilin' to rest the
wrinkles in mah fo-head!"
Kelliher Drug Co
Only at The Drug Shop
Patricia was a nice girl
When she went away to college;
She never smoked,
She never swore,
She never drank but knowledge
But now she's home
She does all three-
She drinks wiskey!
Do we like Patricia
Don't make us laugh-
You bet we do!
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE FIVE
How High is High Life
PAGE SIX THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
By CLAUDE HOWARD BINYON
Within the sancitity of the Delt house there issued
from the front middle room on the third floor a long
pathetic wail. Then came silence. Suddenly there
was the hurried banging of a pair of feet which were
negotiating the stairs from the third to the second floor
in series of threes.
"Dilly" Smith, owner of the feet, directed their course
into the room of "Big Eye" Norton. He surveyed the
reclining Norton with the most baleful of glares. Nor-
ton returned the greeting with a most delicate lifting
,of the right eyebrow. Silence took complete possession
of the room as "Dilly," clad only in black pumps, black
silk sox, and the whitest of white underwear rocked
back and forth on his famous feet. At last he spoke in
one gurgling gasp.
"My Tux -- where?"
"Oh for the -- my tux you borrowed for the Easter
holidays and took home with you."
"Oh." Big Eye scanned the ceiling.
"You - forget - to - - bring - it -back."
"O-o-W!.and I've got a drag bid for the Kappa formal
in one hour and a half!"
Norton failed to put in his customary "what"; lhe
noticed a long irregular crack in the ceiling plaster.
"Why didn't you remind me that it wasn't in my
closet, so that I could borrow one?"
"Oh hell!" The remark signified complete disgust on
the part of "Dilly." He dragged himself from the. room
and mounted the stairs in series of ones. He entered
his room and deposited himself heavily upon the bed.
"Good Lord! Every tux within fifty miles has been
borrowed by this time." "Dilly" sighed. He walked to
the dresses and surveyed the tumultuous drawers
sadly. In the rear left corner of the large middle drow-
er something gleamed enticingly. "Dilly" momentarily
discontinued his mourning and interestedly drew forth
the treasure. It was a quart bottle about three quarters
full of alleged Scotch. He poured a few drops of the
brown fluid into his left hand and then rubbed his
palms together briskly. He cupped his palms and
placed them about his nose. He inhaled deeply. He
Some one had hit him in the back of the neck with
a sledge hammer, he presumed .
"Good stuff!" he declared knowingly, with all the
ignorance of youth. The liquor evidently belonged to
Denny, his roommate, who had gone on an evidently
"Dilly" lifted the bottle to his lips and drank heavily.
He gurgled and coughed harshly.
"Hot damn!" He sat down on the bed with the bottle
in his hands, and after a brief wait, consumed some
more of the burning fluid. He repeated this process at
regular intervals during the ensuing half hour. At the
end of the half hour he raised the bottle to the electric
light and visually measured its contents. About five
small swallows remained, "Dilly" walked lighly to the
dresses and replaced the bottle in its resting place with
extreme care. He returned to the bed. He begun to
"In exactly one hour I have a date with Dorothy, and
Dorothy li-likes me well enough t' give me drag bid.
I gotta get a tux 'cause I can't disappoint Dorothy,
'cause I lo-ove Dorothy and Dorothy lo-oves me."
"Dilly" smiled surprisedly and began to sing softly:
"O-ooh, I lo-ove Dorothy and Dorothy lo-oves me."
Soon his song, chosing the easiest route, became:
"O-ooh, I love Dor'thy lo-oves me."
"Dilly" discontinued his song.
"F'r Dorothy's sake I gotta get my Tux, an' Big Eye
a hunnerd miles f'on here an' I gotta hur-r-ry t' be
back in a nour."
"Dilly" with difficulty assumed the attitude of a
martyr about to be shot. He surveyed his reflection
with a pleased expression. Then the bottle was again
brought to light and emptied. The absent Denny's top-
coat was forced from its seclusion in the closet and
donned by the resolute "Dilly."
He rather staggered downstairs, noting unconcernedly
that the house was deserted save for himself and "Big
Eye" who was snoring very audibly. Everyone else had
either gone to a dance or to the theatre.
"Le's see now," 'Big Eye' lives north 'f here. He lives
in Centralia an' Centralia's a hunnerd miles f'om here.
I gotta hurry."
The night was dark. A profusion of clouds hid from
the earth the stars and the moon. "Dilly" made his
way northward, keeping to the sidewalk with difficulty.
When "Dilly" reached the edge of the town his knees
began to sag. He fought his increasing weakness and
"Gotta hurry -- Dor'thy waitin' -- good ole Dor'thy."
"Dilly" tripped over a rock on the dirt road which
he was by now trespassing and fell heavily to the
ground. He rose rather unsteadily and muttered sev-
eral unintelligible oaths. Warm blood trickled down
the side of his face from a gash in his forehead.
'Gotta get to Dor'thy -- Dor'thy waitin' for me."
The falling process soon became a habit with him,
but "Dilly" plunged resolutely on. His time was very
limited. Several fastly whirling cogs seemed to be
operating in his head, and they disturbed his equili-
brium greatly. In the mind of the youth a picture of
Dorothy waiting with tears in her eyes for the return of
her "Dilly" constantly recurred.
"I gotta ----"
"Dilly" stumbled again and fell headlong into a ditch
by the roadside. He lay quiet for a while and then, no-
ticing that the unnatural position of Denny's coat hurt
his armpits, he arose and removed the coat, flinging it
toward the woods by e rotheoadside,then he lay down
and fell into a deep sleep.
(Continued on next page.)
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE SEVEN
Monday morning the paper car-
ried the following story.
Harold Smith Robbed and Beaten
By Famous Gangsters Now
After being enticed into a car ,by
the highwaymen who have been
operating here for the past few
months, Harold Smith, a junior in
the Arts and Science school, was
driven past the city limits and rob-
bed of his money and his dress suit
Billie: My, how can you walk in such a tight
Dove: My dear, I never walk.
and was then thrown from the car
in a badly bruised condition late
He was found early Sunday morn-
ing in a ditch by a party of tourists
from Iowa. The highwaymen had
removed practically all of his cloth-
ing. Smith was taken to the Uni-
versity Hospital where his condition
was said to be not serious.
According to Smith, he was on his
way to the Kappa sorority house,
where a formal dance was to be
given, when he was offered a ride
by some men who were in a large
car. Smith said that he could not
identify the men, as it was very
When they started toward the city
limits, Smith said that he protested
but was silenced by the highway-
men. Later he was robbed and
beaten and thrown from the car in-
to the ditch.
Officials believe that these high-
waymen are of the same gang which
has been terrifying the county re-
Smith's story was corroborated by
Miss Dorothy Beloit a member of the
Kappa sorority. Miss Beloit stated
that Smith was to be her partner at
the formal dance given by her So-
rority Saturday night. She was the
first to visit him at the hospital.
Two days later "Dilly" entered the Delt house and
mounted the stairs to the room of "Big Eye." The ob-
ject of his visit was reclined, as usual, on the bed.
"How much will you charge to keep your mouth
shut? " "Dilly" asked warily.
"What? It's worth ten but I'll take five."
"Dilly" wearily produced the money and then went
to his own room. Denny was seated on the bed with
an empty bottle in his hands. He lifted his eyes to
"Dilly" and then looked toward the closet where his
topcoat should have been.
"Close the door," commanded Denny.
PAGE EIGHT THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
DIARY OF A HICK HOT NUMBER
Sept.9.- Arrived in Columbia at 10:50 A. M. Went
over to the University with my girl friend Gladys.
Noticed a number of absent-looking, angular persons
sunning along Broadway whom my friend - called
Sept. 10.-Began my residence at Read Hall with
Gladys as my roommate. Think the matron is a fussy
old lady. She gave me instructions about having dates
and getting in at a certain time.
Sept. 12.-Attend my classes for the first day. Very
few sudents there. Find that the professors look dumb
and silly. Saw one wih a little fuzz on his lip, called
it a mustache. Thinks he's cute. Hell!
Sept. 13.- Few more students attend classes. Met a
girl from the Alpha Zs. Wants me to come over some
Sept. 30. -Student Association passes a rule not to let
the boys take girls to the football games. Think it is
Oct. 9.-Had my first date with a snake, member of
the H. A's. or something like that. He wanted to kiss
me before we were two hundred yards from Read Hall.
Gawd only knows what he will want to do next.
Oct. 11.-Find that the boys in the frat house watch
us dress every morning. Resolve to get myself some new
Oct. 24.-Get a pop quiz in Citizenship. Make nothing.
Prof. says I'm flunking math.
Oct. 30.- Had a washout date last night. The flop
bought me a coke and tried to squeeze it out of me on
the way home.
Nov. 1.-Start a new month. Get my allowance from
home. Spend half of it on new clothes.
Nov. 5.-Get the fiftieth letter from my home town
sweetheart. The poor simp. Wrote him a long letter
telling him how much I love him. He swallows it all,
bait, hook, line, sinker, float and pole.
Nov. 16.-Had another date last night. Bum only
spent thirty dollars on me. These cheap skates are dis-
Nov. 28.-Find we have a holiday. Make a
hot dance on the Providence Road. Get dizzy on spiked
lemonade. Boys furnish cigarettes. Number of the
girls come hoseless with their ankles rouged. Resolve
to make all of these dances in the future.
Dec. 1.-Pledge Alpha Z. Find that I'm not the only
girl who wants to get married. Can inhale now.
Dec. 16.--Get forty dollars worth of Christmas pre-
sents and acknowledge with twenty-cents worth of post
cards. They're lucky to get that much.
Jan. 5.-Back afer the holidays. Slept till noon. In-
structors say I have two negative hours. Don't see how
I can when I haven't any hours at all.
Jan. 10.-Gladys comes in at three o'clock via the fire
escape, minus part of her clothes. Said something a-
bout making a "helluva" dance on College Avenue.
Packs her suitcase next day and goes home.
Jan. 13.-Exams coming on. Don't know anything.
Jan. 16.-Begin Exams.
Jan. 24.-- Flunk out. Start back for God's country
Pete: Has she changed much?
Peter: She thinks so:
Pete: How so?
Peter: She's always talking about what a fool she used
MY CALENDAR GIRL
You're as truly rare as a day in June
And as hot as a day in July;
You're as calm and clear as an August moon,
You've the freshness of May in your eye.
You've the soothing warmth of a March-day flask.
And September morn in your place,
But there's just one thing that I'd like to ask:
Where in hell did you get that face?
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE NINE
"How do you know I'm crazy?"
"Aren't you married?"
THE CAMPUS WAG
Now, my dears, as I was saying when I called time
for an illicit swig from a still more illicit bottle, let us
continue. Thus the Sophists: It does not follow, as the
tails of Little Bo Peep's sheep followed the sheep, that
high life and the higher learning go sock in sock. If
I were an erudite doctor and not a bibulous underling,
I would place my finger where X marks the spot where
they are wrong. But all I can do is extend my fingers
from my nose and give them a leer.
But allow me, for the nonce, to assume the role of a
learned professor and to point out where the Sophists
err. The dictionary defines "high" as something "not
low." With all respects to Dr. Webster, Ph. D. ---boo!
High life is very, very low. Carrying out the definition,
"higher" is something above something that is not low.
Which is more sophism. Ask any campus bootlegger.
My definition of the higher learning is high life up-
lifted, with the elevator constantly on the descent:
As is the case with all things, ideas vary as to what
high life is. The Freshman lives in the high realm
when he takes his first drink of bad liquor. The cross-
roads yap thinks he takes a high fling when he goes to
Paris and ogles the Follies Bergere. There was a time
when the' Wag thought he was hitting the high spots
when he took the flame of his heart to the nickelodeon,
bought her an ice cream soda and kissed her good night
on a blushing cheek. But those days, like Tosti and the
Wag's innocence, are gone forever. Curtain and funeral
A FRESHMAN'S PRAYER
The freshman are my friends; I shall not want.
The upperclassmen set many rules before us to fol-
low; they leadeth us as if we were blind.
They taketh away my soul; they leadeth me in the
path of righteousness for the sake of tradition.
Yea, though I run through a long line of paddles, the
freshmen will comfort me.
The sophs make me do tricks of all kinds on the cam-
pus, and maketh me wear a funny looking cap; my
temper almost runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me till I can
say I am a soph, and then, please,'give me the power to
lay the paddle on hard and fast.
Where falls the Star
Thru heaven's blue,
A mortal dies,
And a god is born.
Where spreads afar
The morning dew,
A mortal lies.
Just drunk with corn.
"For high life," said the aviator, "give me an air-
That reminds us of the droll tale of the milkman and
the two milkmaids, which I am off to tell the fraters.
PAGE TEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
"Ever play strip Poker"
"Yep, started once and got cold feet."
CAMPUS PROBLEMS DISCUSSED....
..."He is simply precious and I love him truly.."
..."But he didn't get what he knows out of a book,
.."And the car wouldn't start, so of course I got in
late and the house president was at
the door waiting.....
"I said to him, 'Don't crowd me, Big Boy, don't crowd
and he said, "My God, Can't you see how crazy I am
"That's a dirty book."
"Let me at it!"
"Wait till I dust it off."
- PRINCETON TIGER.
"Am I the first girl you ever kissed?"
"As a matter of tact, yes."
-C. C. N. Y. MERCURY.
Fraternity: "What do you think of my girl?"
Brother: "Lots of things that I shouldn't."
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE ELEVEN
"Since when does Mamie go to church every Sun-
"Oh, she meets a lot of good customers that way."
A boy over
I spent a week
Regretting it. Once
I didn't throw a boy over
I spent a year regretting it.
He threw me over.
"Your time has come," said the maid as she brought
back the watch from the jeweler's.
Cupid's golden arrows
Are the queerest things I know.
For when he hits a girl with one
It turns into a beau.
PAGE TWELVE THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Girl: Charley kissed me last night.
_Ma: Did you sit on him for it.
Girl: I was.
THE BROWN DERBY, or
HER SISTER FROM WAH-
When Mabel came to Vassar she was just one of
those innocent things who didn' know what it
was all about. But, in the proximity of contamin-
tion, she soon learned what the faculty couldn't-
or didn't-teach her. And so she became an ob-
ject of the crusaders of the Higher Moral who
thought her a very brazen hussy.
Now about this time Dan Cupid shot one of his
peas through his pea shooter and-Mabel fell.
His name was Zilchzilch Q. Ratbelly and he went
to fair Hawvawd, of caws. Not only that, but
he had a beautiful mole on his left-or was it
his right cheek, and he had estates in Patagonia
whither he hied every summer to hunt the elusive
and rare ishthywmprms.
On one of these trips he took Mabel, now Mrs.
Ratbelly, ,along with him, as a matter of con-
venience. But the purple fever seized him, boys,
and he lost his memory. He thought he was a
native sheik and got up a harem of indigenious
if not indigent Keystose beauties.
Shattered, nerve-wrecked, broken, Mabel return-
ed to Vassar to finish her course in ulterior path-
ology which was so rudely interrupted by her
nuptials to the. decaying Ratbelly. The girls
whispered behind her chemise that she was a
grass widow, but Mabel denied the whispers.
Furthermore, she had a sister in Wahwah, Wis.,
but that, as 0. O. McIntyre says, is another yarn.
WHAT TO DO
When your date has her roommate phone you she,'s
sick and the Missourian comes out at four o'clock with
her name as a fraternity dance guest:
Toast, "Confusion to all Women"
Read Schopenhauer's essay "On Women."
Start a poker game
Unlucky in love - lucky at cards
Win all the money'in the house
Read Schopenhauer's essay again
Play "Don't Think You'll Be Missed" on the victrola
"There's more fish swimming.
Than's ever been caught" is the chorus
Kick your dog
Cuss your roommate
Write the girl back home
Look over Schopenhauer's essay again
Go to Stephens College
Mrs. Preacher: Isn't is awful the way these co-eds rouge
Miss I. M .Smith: Terrible. But what girl wants to keep
withih the pale of the law?
"I can't find my chewing gum."
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THIRTEEN
Strike Leaves Hell Freezing
With Satan Tearing His Beard
Firemen and Engineers Walk out when Satanic Majesty Re-
(By the United Puzzle.)
HADES, Sept., 15.-Hell freezes over at last! No longer
will inhabitants of the mundane shore say until hell
freezes over, for the time has arrived. Hell is freezing
,due to a walkout of 23,990 members of the Amalgated
Firemen of Hades, Local 473, and the Associated Engi-
neers of Purgatory, Pluto Local No. 666.
The fire, brimstone and sulphur heating services at
His Satanic Majesty's palace are being run by bums,
movie actors, students, and other loafers pressed into
:service. His Infernal Highness has appealed for volun-
,eers and has sent an S. 0. S. to Mr. Peter, Guardian of
,the Pearly Gates, asking for relief. Elevators are being
prepared for the descent.
The trouble began when one of the Overseers employ-
,ed a fireman who had no union card. The men de-
manded that the non-union worker be discharged but
Now my dear children, this is a fable of a bad little
boy, Hellsipop, and a good child, Horation Angus. When
little Hellsi was a mere child it was common play for
him to saw the legs off the new piano or swat dirty
flies on the nice new wallpaper.
Angus was quite different. He was born at an early
.age when such things were -childish. At nine months
he knew why "Mamma Loves Papa" and could count
up to ten with a little help. He drank his gin straight
and didn't much approve of our hard-boiled little egg,
They were both bright. They dated the teacher in
psychology and copied each others papers in arithmetic.
They passed in every morning and passed out every
night. And played marbles for keeps. They were break-
ing up things in the kindergarten when most little boys
are learning to neck. Liitle Horatio chewed the plug
tobacco Hellsi stole from his grandmarm but didn't
like Hellsi's aim with the cuspidor.
were met with refusal. The walkout followed and hell
This is the first time in 3,960,762,531 years that the
everlasting fires has ceased to burn. His Royal Low-
n-ess raves like the Devil and declares he will never
capitulate to the worker's demands, which he terms
HADES, Sept. 15. (Special).-Hell is still the helluva
place it used to be. General Manager Peter sent down
a thousand strike breakers but instead of firing the
furnaces they play carols on their saxaphones. The
college students chime in with outlandish yells and
hymns like, "Red Hot Pajamas," "Hinky-Dinky," and
."Boozer Brown." Mr. Peter, it is said, will soon request
his angels to return, for he is getting lonesome with-
They were both six when they took up bank robbing.
And more than that, passed the course. Hellsi was
bright; his father said so the night Hellsi burned the
house to the ground with a box of safety matches. And
Horatio was good looking; his mother admitted it when
you caught her napping.
Then they took up plumbing. They didn't know
their phyrenoid glands leaked or their metamorphosis
their phyrenoid glands leaked or their metomorphosis
backfired. That was the insidious thing about it! And
they operated for a simple case of hangnails that al-
niost any body could cure in a year or so. Horatio
didn't much approve of Hellsi's follow through with the
They had to stay after school every night from then
on and just look at each other. Which was hell to
pay-Hellsi never did look well in Buster Brown col-
MORAL: When you fly, take your specs with you.
ALWAYS ROOM AT THE TOP
PAGE FOURTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925,
A FRESHMAN IS -- -
-the bird who takes all things literally
-an animal it takes four years to civilize.
-a goof, a gawk, a boob, a bonehead, a simp,
and every other synonym for "sap."
-the green apple who thinks college is a place
-what is rushed during rush week.
-the owner of a certain part of the anatomy
which comes in for a great deal of paddling.
- the object of certain prohibitory rules until
--the student who has great ambitions about
being a P. B. K.
-everything the word implies.
-well, ask the Sophs.
O lovers have said it
And poets have sung it
You'll probably guess it
Before I've begun it.
But, dear, now listen,
It's sad but true,
You love me
But I don't love you!
--NOTRE DAME JUGGLER
SAYINGS OF MR. SOLOMON
TO HIS SON AT COLLEGE
Oy listen mine child:
I, Solomon himself, are shipping you hereby
a check by which to pay your teachers at your
constitution of higher learning and also the doc-
tors in the. hospital.
Now what is the use of paying the doctors
money for nothing? I hope you will be able to
get your money's worth and use the hospital a lot
because I believe in getting more than I pay.
And don't ask me for no more checks because
maybe you won't get any more. And I don't mean
There are four things I want to give you some
good advise on. The first is about your drinking
boots what the college people have when the
teachers aint looking. I have no objection to them
but nowadays they must cost all of $1.50. In my
days it was different. When I went to collich I
got drunk on 15 cents and beer was only a nickel
The fourth article I want you to keep away
from is the women. Especially the one what is
still there and I used to go walking with.
They tell me she aint been ,walking for years.
At any rates, I'll tell you a little story. I took
her walking one night. Well you don't have to
know the details but she made a fool out of me.
Hoping you are the same, I think I am,
Solomon, your own poppa.
Give me the sentence with the word "Annette."
I took Ann to a restaurant. And Annette!
Give me a sentence with the word "moron."
He piled it high and then he piled s'moron.
Give me a sentence with the word "porcupine."
The butcher said to the housewife, "For my
First Lordship: Hello, hello, hello, what do you
say to a bit of a pip of a bally stroll down the
Strawnd, eh what, jolly eh, hello.
Second Bloke: And drop in some awfter for tea
and muffins and perhaps a chortle of a snifter or
a snortle or two, dontcherknow, what? Hello.
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE FIFTEEN
WHO'S WHO AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI
OUR OWN SAVITAR
(Pictures omitted so as not to frighten the children.)
Miss Dorothy Flapjack; Eta Peesa Cake Sorority, D.
U. M. B. Circle, Ho-Low Up, Catty Club.
Jonathan Puncture: A. S. S. Fraternity, Select
Seventy-seven, Mystical Half-a-dozen.
Miss Cooney Coonskin: Honorary Private R. O. T. C.,
Jabba Jabba Jabba Sorority.
Studious Chimpanzee: Official boner of the Rah Rah
Rah Fraternity, Chief Janitor of the Students Religious
Miss Dumber Yett: Winner of Stockyards Popularity
Contest, member of Titttle Tattle Sorority, Tattle-tales,
Q. E. D.
Percival Cheese: Only claim to fame is that he suffers
from fatty degenration of the brain.
Wing Wung: Outsider. Comes from foreign country.
Miss Cuttie Snott: Dad owns large packing plant. She
belongs to everything worth belonging to. Also Moral
Sic M. Blue: Fashion plate for Liver, McSweeney and
Parks neckties. Member of Hart, Schaffner & Marx.
Miss Homely Mugg: Arts and Science. H. A.
Chippie Porkchop: Member of Powder-Puff, Pink Tea,
and P. D. D.
Miss Josephine Sprat: Gossip Club, Modernist Club,
Juicy Fruit Club, Smizzle Society.
Jehosophat Cotidianus Mange: Jezzerino Juleps,
Homer Study Club, Stacomb-Hansom Society, T. N. T.
Miss Matilda Munkey: Bla Bla Bla Sorority, Nosem
Good Sorority, Soup-drinkers Union. Private detective
to Dean Priddy by appointment.
OH HORACE, WHAT SHALL I DO?
Seated one night in the Cozy
I was weary and ill at ease,
When my fingers wandered listless
Over soneone's knees
I know not what I'd been drinking
Or what I was thinking then,
But it gave me a fit I must admit
As it will with the "best of men.
I leaned over close in the darkness
And while the organ sighed,
I asked what she had on that evening
And if she was occupied.
And she snuggled close in the blackness
And then in a voice so low
Came the ripple of soft southern accent
And my pulses throbbed-She said "No."
And we sauntered out to the lobby
And my spinal cord whipped up my back
And the lights ...........
JOURNALIST-A slick-garbed sucker bound for the
gutter with joy in his heart.
LIBRARY--A place of amusement with an early
NECKING-The school sport; a game for an even
number of players; darkness and quiet desirable but
not necessary for.success.
ROOMMATE-Financial agent-ward robe- nui-
sance and first resort for blind dates.
ST. PATS -- A period in the siring when the en-
gineers wear their true colors.
S-A mark occasionally bestowed by instructors on
the productions of their farternity brothers and others
particularly favored. (Popular impression.)
SAVITAR--A chronicle of the year's crime with
chromos of the criminals; what everybody wants but
hates to pay for.
STEPHENS-A cutie college where girls spend their
time writing and receiving special delivery letters,
breaking dates, and dodging the decalogs.
BARB-A pinless dumbell who passes the time by
telling about the pins he turned down.
BLIND DATE-Columbus took a chance but it was
a sure shot compared with yours.
BOOTLEGGER-The man Wearing a coon skin coat
with a Packard.
BUSTEE--A man who was.
CITIZENSHIP-A freshman coure required by the
authorities to insure freshmen enough sleep.
CROSS COUNTRY-A track man's fall foolishness.
E-An obselete hieroglyphis found on old math
papers and occasionally used by the military depart-
ment. Unknown to Prof. Ellwood, Dean Williams and
ENGINEER-A dumbell dressed like an Ag who
run around the red campus looking at co-ed knees
FOOTBALL-A sport of titans. They clutch a ball
for twelve weeks and are clutched by co-eds for twelve
months-modern version of "only the brave deserve the
FORMAL-Getting drunk in a tux.
HOMECOMING-Great fall liquor festival.
HYPOCRITE-One who eats at a hamburger stand
and picks his teeth in front of the Daniel Boone Tavern.
Fresh: "Where in the hell is the funny paper."
Soph: "The funny paper? Today is Wednesday. I told
you not to take a bath last night."
PAGE SIXTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Black: "What you'll shaving for, honey."
Blacker: "Don't get so personal on such a short
AS I WAS SAYING
Hayward V. Hellandman was an aristocratic young
student with a thirty dollar a month allowance and
rubber heels. A week after he came to college some
fraternity chappies disregarded his bell bottom drawers
and put a little pin his coat lapel. If Hay had only
known it, his college education was now complete; but
it was not to be, which mean that father must need
continue his job-as the only shovel and broom man in
a 200 horse town.
One day Hay and his fraternity decided that he must
blossom forth in an English lounge sack. And so our
present hero saw three months advance allowance on
his slender shape every time he did his stuff before a
mirror. Which was probably fine in a way. Or maybe
Be that so it should, Hellandam realized that al-
though he now could rate high class dates in his king's
jester outfit, he must find a large pot of gold in order
to satisfy his embarassing habit of being hungry three
times a day. To say nothing of his liquor, cigarette and
women habit which had come with his Citizenship
course. Which was not so fine.
And that is the reason why Hayward went home to
take care of one half the streets on his father's route.
YE BALANCE SHEET
What I gave her:-
1 frat pin
1 set of furs
6 pairs of silk stockings
12 dozen roses
16.boxes of candy
120 taxi rides
1000 hours of time
What she gave me:-
ORANGES ARE RED, or
AIN'T IT A SHAME
Scene: Courthouse at Dayton, Tenn.
Officer W. Jennings Bryan Murphy: Jadge,
y'r honor, the prisoner at the bar has been acting
suspicious-like all summer. He never wears a
hat and has no visible means of support, neither
have his socks. I've asked him a hunnerd times
what he does for a livin' and he says he's a stu-
Judge: What's your name, prisoner?
Prisoner: James Gazumpus Wuff.
Stude: No, student.
Judge: That settles it. I sentence you to 10
years in the bug house.
(Officer Murphy leads prisoner away.)
Judge: Hold on! Do you believe in evolution?
Prisoner: No, your honor.
Judge: Sentence suspended. Case dismissed.
Raucous, the yammering sax gyrates the air
And crashes sedulous soporifics thru the gloom
While knee-length skirts contort the torrid tom-
That shafts from the ululating fugue
And fevered striplings bend their liquored breath
To languid eyes and begging lips and throbbing
That call for trophies frenzy
Under the deodars....
Pretty girl in a pretty frame,
I know not who you are, I know not your name.
But I know you will always and forever be
Just a pretty girl in a pretty frame to me.
MY DEAREST CHUM
My dearest chum, I love you true,
You know 'tis so, you know I do.
I love your eyes of Paradise,
I love your hands, that shine like eyes.
I love your heart, your faithful heart
That beats so steady when when you start.
My dearest chum, I love you true;
But there's one thing I hate -- I do!
'Tis true your heart beats steadily,
'Tis true your hands and heart agree,
But when you're tired, you stop, and then
I hate to wind you, Baby Ben.
A girl can't help being bad looking perhaps, but she
could stay at home.
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE SEVENTEEN
OUT TO OUR HOUSE
Us Alpha Sigma Sigmas have been having a heck of a
time. Oi Oi Oi, the national Irish sorority, has a mortgage
on our shack and furniture. You know the Oi Oi Oi's can
be distinguished by their kinky hair, high cheek bones, and
Roman noses. Well, the other night we had just started
to hang pledge pins, on five boot-leggers sons from St. Louis
when in came two husky Oi Oi's.
"Got de interest," they asked. Waving their arms around
as though they were trying to emulate their paron, S. Vitus.
'Shhh," the brothers cautioned.
"We won't be shhheded," they came back.
"We want the interest or dese davenport."
Well the financial hopes on the davenport got up and looked
rather surprised as the Oi Oi Oi's walked out with the
furniture. We did hang a pin on one of the rushees before
he recovered from the daze. But the others followed the 01
Oi Oi's outside. We may be serving meals on our pool
table if this thing keeps up.
Onward and upward! Our jokes may be low life but our
principles are with High Life. We are all for the higher
things of life, higher hats, higher gutters, higher skirts, and
a hotter hell. Some may be for conservatism in thougt and
deed, but we say with Shakespeare, "Lead on MacDuff and
damned be he who first cries enough."
There was a young man from Galloping Ridge
Who ambled to College to be Educated;
He learned to shoot Craps and he learned to play
And he learned to chase Women without getting
And when he got out of the Institute,
He got him a job in the Barnyard of Pater;
Now while feeding the Pigs, he plays on the Flute
The Rah-rah-rah Song of his old Alma Mater.
"Help!" she hollered. "I'm drowning!"
So he threw her a cake of soap and gently wash-
ed her back.
TheMaterialist: Lean against my manly chest,
sweetheart, but don't break my fountain pen.
"Has you-all grajewated?"
"Nossuh, ah's quituated.'
"What you mean, niggah, is flunctuated."
"What a funny tail your dog has. I never, noticed it
"No, it always has been behind."
HIBERNIAN HIGH LIFE
Abie: Vat vas dot you found on de sidewalk?
Ikie: I hate to tell you Abie.
Abie: You and me has bin frat brothers since Noah
vas a pledge we've had no secrets.
Ikie: Vell I won't tell, but if I ever ketch de guy what
spits like dimes I'm going to kil em.
FRESHMEN IN LOBBY OF DUMAS APARTMENTS
Fresh: "Is this where Kinkelstein lives?"
Janitor: "No this is a fireproof building."
O'Brien: Why aren't you Jews allowed on the golf
Cohen: Because we can't say fore, we have to say
ENGLISH HISTORY CLASS
Prof.: How did Disraeli, the Prime Minister, lose his
debate with Queen Victoria?
Stude: Guess she tied his hands behind his back.
"You baffled, Sheriff?"
"No-o. It did look sorter like murder, though, until
I found out Bill really had a grudge again the feller."
She was beautiful, but I couldn't ask her for another
(late. Not after she asked me what college put out
PAGE EIGHTEEN THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Aggie Bill Writes Home
September 27th, 1925.
Dear Ma & Pa;
I sure is sorrie that I did not put an stamp
on that there letter I wrote to you last weak
but I was a thinkin it was one of those kind
of things that has already a stamp on ihem.
You know what i mean, a postal kard like
you get at the postoffice.
Those coraspondence lessons dad had me
take from Farmer Burns in boxing did not
help me at all last Tues nite. They had a
dance over to the gim and so as the boys had
hein acktin rite toward me I thought I would
go. I jest knew it would not be a dern thing
like the one we had in the barn last summer
when I was home, but any how I started and
was caught by a gang of Eng. & Aggs. You
know us Frosh are not suposed to go out at
nights. Anyway I told them I was up here
learnin to farm and then they started to beat
on me. I have been sore ever since. At them
Learning this new fangled stuff does come
hard Ma. They make me take a course called
Citizenship and it sure are terrible. They
give you English, eco. sco, histry and govt
all in this won class. One of my teachers
has already told me I was the dummest boy
he ever saw. I wonder did he mean that for
a compliment or a slam? They are teaching
-me not to say "aint" and "lern" for "teach"
and "seen" for "saw." I see no sense to it
and I wouldn't learn it only the girls in this
town talk that way and since I, of course, will
-be with them a hole lot I thought I had better
lern to talk that a way so they would not feel
hurt when I went to call on them.
You should see me in my military une-
form Ma. It do not fit near as well as them
overalls you got me In St. Louis. They are
trying to make a soldier boy out of your dar-
ling boy, and they most killed me already yet
so soon. They give me a gun yesterday but
I do not see what I can do with it. They make
me carry it on my sholder all the time, and
I aint seen narry a thing to shoot yet unless
it would be some of these smarty guys that
make me button all the time. Jest the same
I am doing the best I can so i can be a lieut.
and not have to do anything.
How many chickens has the old hen got
left? I was sorry to hear that the old cow
dyed, but Ma, she was old and no account
Did the feller fly in that air flying machine
what was advertized to? Has you been to see
and hear the new preacher at the berg yet?
I heard tell he is young and good looking.
Maybe sis will have more luck vamping him
than she did the last one.
I am staying with a boy from Bolivar and
he is a good fellow when he are not tight.
Perhaps you dont understand that word. It
is a word us college fellows use for drunk.
He says I am countrified, all of which I aint,
as you know cause I did go to the state fair
with dad one year. Anyway he has used up
that barr of soap what you sent me. Some-
time when you are sending me some thing
pleeze put in an other bar.
Must close now as I have to write my gal
Sal Pall a card and tell her how swell I am
getting around in the University. Tell dad
I am doing no gambling but that there money
order he sent me was just a little small for a
Your darling boy,
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE NINETEEN
Me: "Here is a snapshot of my girl at
You: "Snapshot! I call that an ex-
PAGE TWENTY THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
HOW ABOUT THIS CASE JUDGE
A report has come to this office of a very
strange case that occured during the hot sum-
mer months near a certain college town. A
couple were parked on a country road several
miles from town when another car, driven by
one arm, hit the parked car. During the
crash the lip of the girl in the parked car
was bitten, and blood poison set in. Two
weeks afterwards she died, and they now have
her boy friend up for manslaughter.
Francis: Is it true that you are engaged to three
other men besides me?
Francis: Well, I was just thinking we might raise a
subscription to buy an engagement ring.
JOHN HOPKINS BLACK & BLUE JAY.
Spinster: "I'm not a day over thirty."
He: "I'm beginning to believe that. I've been hear-
ing it for the last twenty years."
Hal: A lot of these chorus girls went to college.
Al: Sure, that's where they learned to kick.
N. Y. U. MEDLEY.
Mr. Dale Beronius
What is worse than a drunken
A drunken wife.
" THOSE STEPHENS GIRLS"
Those Stephens girls across the way
Perch in th-eir windows day by day,
And show us men as we go by
That they are far from being shy.
They wave and becon from each hall
To every man who's prone to fall.
They paint, and fix, and squirm, and priimp
In hopes some male they'll sometime tempt.
But when a man is won their way,
He gets command to stand at bay.
They bid for him too much to tell,
But when he falls, he's S. O. L.
N'er mind, old girls, you'll learn some day
Just what we men think of your way.
You'll learn that we are also wise
To all those moves made by your eyes.
Now girls, calm down, stop all that play
Before you lead some lad astray.
Don't vamp, don't flirt, just be real nice,
And your reward will stand the price.
C. R. J.
"Clarice! You have that faint intangible air of the
Orient about you."
"You stay away from me with that cold."
"What makes you think I have a cold?"
"This morning the cat/knocked the disinfectant into
the tub while I was taking a bath."
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-ONE
The cream-puff puffs alarmingly
The chile has a chill.
If phonographs won't sing to me,
Then who the devil will?
Now, Tag my (log, has got the gout,
The donkey's bray is braid.
The postman's lost his letter route,
And so the plot is laid.
Oh, sing a song of leaping hor-s,
And walking doctor bills,
Have yon a certain cure for corns
Don't pick the daffodils.
We've got the socks all on the run
Un vin blane, sil vous 'plait,
Sister where's the hot cross hun?
We saw it cross this way
The lights are out, where are the lights?
I think my board is fare.
'Oh dearie set the room to rights and then they got the
P. S.-Sweetie pass the door jamb,
I want some on my bread,
And I'm so tired, I think that I
Will let the table spread.
I've seen lots of women, and what I have seen has
been fine, but I'm thru with all that stuff now, and
I had a girl in New Orleans, who was plenty hot e-
nough, but she soon cooled off and I left her flat for
another up in Maine. But she was one of the old
Puritan stock, and plenty stock she had, but she
couldn't throw the dog, so I got a red hot mama down
in old New York, that had them all behind. Now I
hung around this broad of mine till I wore my wel-
come out, so I drifted west to dear oldChi,where I met
a stock yard queen, and hooked her from the start.
She had honesty and jack, and I stayed until both were
gone and told her I'd be back.
But I'm thru with all that now. I've settled down to
one. This girl I have I'll let you know is nothing like
you guess. She doesn't drink, or smoke or joke, hut
inan how slI '' can cook and love.
She isn't exactly a gold digger; but she's always
looking for the silver lining.
---STAN FORD CHAPARRAL.
Silly: Every restaurant should have a ball player?
Billy: Why a ball player?
Silly: So tlat the flies could be caught and put out!
- STANFORD CHAPARRAL.
Song Leader: "Let's sing 'Little Drops of Water' a-
gain, and please put a little spirit into it."
Now I've thought of you as a rose
But it wouldn't fit your pose
And I've thought of you as a daffodil
Like the one down by the mill
Somehow they don't explain you
For none of them will do
For altho it may be naughty
I'm to call you Poppy.
Short and slender, with a red red check,
Deep blue eyes, with an azure streak
A dreaming poppy, that all day long
Spreads its fragrance, till all have gone.
But poppies are like pleasure spread
You seize the flower, the bloom is shed
Or like the snowfall on the river,
A moment white, then gone forever.
So I'll never seize my poppy
For I love the bloom it bears
But I'll always cherish and protect it
In the garden of my heart.
The meekly frosh comes here to school
With orders not to break the rules
By going to shows and having dates,
Which rules most froshies always break.
He buttons here, he buttons there,
He's paddled almost everywhere;
He's given the law on every side,
Alas! Poor froshie must abide.
Where work's to do, he's handy man ,
The Sophs just use him all they can,
A fool of him they always make.
What bitter things the frosh must take !
N'er mind, old frosh, your day will come,
You will not always be the scum,
A man of you they'll make some day
Let's hope, let's wish, let's ever pray.
C. R. J.
PAGE TWENTY-TWO THE OUTLAW
The average woman has a vocabulary of about 700
It's a small stock, but think of the turnover.
HE IS TO
OPEN HOUSE NIGHT was in full sway. Ches
and Wal, the Nut brothers were navigating from
sorority to sorority with prodigious difficulty. Good
men, these-strong and true-but now and then
their licker got the upper hand.
At length they reached the K. Y. House, and,
finding the punch in an unadulterated state, de-
cided to pitch their tent here for the remainder
of the evening.
Wal, true to his forbears, partly submerged him-
self in the-divan and made a contented motor-like
sound by blowing against his limp lower lip. He
was drunk and he was comfortable. Ches, how-
ever was in an agile mood. So, as the Ki Yi's had
pledged this year for grades Ches Nut experienced
no difficulty in securing a dance partner.
As he danced he hummed a tune. And he
swayed and the girl swayed and the room swayed.
Too much swaying. So Ches heaved a discouraged
sigh and sank to the floor. He made many noises
as he sank. Too many noises. So Wal awakened
and stumbled over to his fallen brother.
"Ches," he sadly, "you're drunk."
Ches wiped several beads of perspiration, some-
what smaller than golf balls from his brow. "I
Wal was insistent. "Do you see a bunch of yel-
low and green elephants in this room, all carrying
Wal beamed happily. "Now I know you're
drunk, 'cause the room's full of them!"
They both became unconscious and the orches-
tra carried them out.
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-THREE
"Like me?" asked the proud sailor just home from the
"Well," said the blushing wife, "your boy's like you
but not so dumb."
Proud Father: Now, Sammy, tell me where was the
Declaration of Independence signed.
Sammy: At the bottom, Father.
School Teacher: "Richard, do you know what happens
to boys who use bad words when they play marbles?"
Richard: "They grow up and play golf."
Haughty Lady (who has purchased a stamp): "Must
I put it on myself?"
Post Office Assistant (politely): "Not necessarily
ma'm.... It will probably accomplisl more if you put it
on the letter."
"I know a man who says he cannot sit down and he
cannot stand up."
"If he tells the truth he lies."
Just because the girls laugh at your remaiks is no
proof that you're witty. Perhaps they have pretty
-- DENVER PARRAKEET.
Lady: I want a pair of garters.
Salesman: If I do I will lose my job.
His lordship is now a fashionable
Hospitable Host: "Won't you have some more duck,
Bashful Guest: "No, thank you."
H. H.: "Oh, do. Here's a nice little leg, just your
"Say, Diogenes, why the lantern?"
"I never trust these Greek women in the dark."
- N. Y. U. MEDLEY.
"This must be a theatrical chicken."
"Nothing on it."
- STEVENS STONE MILL.
The blackest pages in all history are to he found in
tiose chapters dealing with negro lynching.
Contributing Editors Chairman Advertising Manager
EDWARD D. McCLUSKEY JAMES H. NASH
DAVID M. FLOURNOY Business Manager PAULINE STONER
CLAUDE H. BINYON ERIE H. SHERMAN Advertising Assistants
Chicago, Illinois Art Directors WESLEY K. NASH
WARREN KRAUSE GEORGE HAMILTON
A. L. FINESTONE DALE BERONIUS Circulation Manager
St. Louis. Mo. KENNETH LANKFORD JIMMIE HAMILTON
THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year, Subscription price for the full year is
$1.50. Office situated at the corner of Conley and Gentry Avenues. Address all communication to THE
OUTLAW, Columbia. Missouri.
Copyright 1925. Material must not be used without permission.
VOLUME II. OCTOBER 1925. NUMBER I.
THE OUTLAW GODFATHER, O. O. McINTYRE, NEW YORK CITY.
What ho! You allon-panted addicts of the higher learn- ing. What ho and how are you. Glad to see you back. The
Outlaw thrills with you at the sight of the columned campus, sings the old Mizzou songs once again with you, weeps with
you but, more frequently, laughs with you that there is an other year of fun ahead of us. The bird of time is no lag-
gard. A year ago and we were just beginning another school year. A year from now and we'll be selling stocks and
bonds. But let us live to the fullest while we may, for, Omar says, tomorrow there will be no maying, and let us
pay as little attention as possible to the fatuous parrotings of the grandiloquent hirelings dubbed professors. And after
all, as Flapper Fanny so succinctly mouths it, blime you bloomin' limey, what of it?
The Outlaw wishes to express his extreme appreciation of the valuable aid that has been rendered to him in the
making of this issue, Former students who are willing to help and give their time to making this one of the best
comics in the country show that the Old Spirit of Mizzou still lives. He now thanks Mr. Dale Beronius,, of the
Kansas City Star, Mr. Warren Krause, of Kansas City, Mr. A. L. Finestone of St. Louis, and Mr. Claude H. Binyon of
Chicago for the work they have done on this High Life Number.
This issue marks the beginning of a second
and new year for the Outlaw. Last year the publi-
cation fought hard to establish itself on the cam-
pus as a publication portraying the humor of the
campus. Success cannot come to anything that is
really worth while and lasting in the short period
of one school year.
But the Outlaw accomplished many of the
things it started out last year to perform and will
"carry on" this year in a more intensive manner
to give to the student body the best Tiger comedy
that is possible.
Some of last year's staff have left. Those
that are back will unite with the new members
elected to-make the magazine one that every
student will appreciate.
With a new editorial board this year comes a
new policy and one which this body hopes will
meet with approval. New plans have been drawn
up in order to make the book better. A series of
numbers have been laid out for the year; and the
plan of the magazine has been changed in general.
Plans are completed to departamentalize the maga-
zine in order to touch on every activity on the cam-
So with the first issue we start a new year.
We hope that it will be a successful one, and one
that will bring to the student body of Missouri a
series of good numbers. The staff will devote
itself to this task, and with the support of the stu-
dent body it cannot fail.
PECK DRUG CO.
PAGE TWENTY-SIX THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Other Campus Comedy
SO THEY SNEAKED OUT
They were being married after a beautiful courtship
of two years. The minister had almost completed the
ceremony, when lie said the usual words,
"Is there any one who hath objections to joining
these two in holy wedlock? If so let him speak now."
A loud knock was heard on the church door. The
attendants opened the door, and an old man with
a long white beard struggled in, with his hand raised
aloft. A thrill ran through the crowd. Some dramatic
scene was sure to be enacted. The old man continued
his way down the aisle. When he reached the very
altar le turned around and addressed the audience.
"Folks," he said, "let me tell you the real story of
the battle of Antietam. It was a cold night and them
damn rebels were coming down from the Shenandoah
-- MICHIGAN GARGOYLE.
IN LOVE WITH LOVE
Virginia and I
Revel in the moonlight:
How romantic she is!
I am just as romantic,
And, when we kiss,
Each of us feels
The same gentle surge of passion.
We two are in love-
But not with each other!
We are like George Washington and me
We both played-
But we never got in the same game.
Real Estate Agent: I don't see why you hesitate.
This tobacco plantation is a bargain at any price.
Budding Financier: I was just deciding whether
I would grow cigars or cigarettes.
-HAMILTON ROYAL GABOON.
Ye stagge atte eve hadde drunke hys fille,
He ydlly staggerede offe ye floore,
Hys heade, between hys handes, he bore
Ande placed ytte onne an widowe sylle.
An nyftye ribbe came rite behynde,
Ande sweetie asked hym to desyste.
"0 sweetehearte, whye muste you persyst
Yn rev'llynge yn yourre drunkene shame."
"Lettes starte aryght, ande nowe beginne."
Withe tremblyng handes herre aide he spyrnned,
"For you," with tear-stained face he tyrnned,
"My deare, I'm gyvvyng uppe thisse ginne."
There once was a lady from Kan.
Who loved to attend all the Dan.
But it's said that she drinks
And everyone thinks
That she takes some awfully bad
---DARTMOUTH JACK O' LANTERN.
Son: "Mother who put the statue under the kitchen.
Mother: "Sssh, sonny, don't make any noise. That's
Let's go on a sleighing party.
Fine. Wait till I get my gun."
- HARVARD LAMPOON.
"All geniuses are conceited."
"Oh, I don't know. I'm not."
Western Electric Company
PAGE TWENTY EIGHT THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
Scandal of the school-something that every-
one wants to hear and pass on but likes to make
believe they are keeping it Q. T.-the password
of hypocrisy and indiscreetion-to you we dedicate
This last week has been spent in recupera-
ting from rush week. There are several kinds of
weeks-including Sec. Weeks and the famous
Three Weeks of Elinor Glyn. Those are the best
we know of. Anyhow rush week has brought out
the characteristics of the "400" of Missouri. The
corner of ninth and ????? has spiked a man who
will not pledge until October 1st. We wonder
why. One of our last year co-ed drinking teams
has not returned. Probably are now doing as
Omar Khayyam wished he might do. A rumor
has come to us that one of the fraternities on Rol-
lins and Maryland insisted on putting a pledge pin
in a man's coat. They insisted so strongly that
the victim offered to choose the next man that ap-
proached him. So the matter was then dropped.
He has now pledged a milder type of organization.
We have often wondered why the Delts and
the A. T. O's do not start unique rushing parties,
by turning out their lights about eleven o'clock
and watching their neighbors ou the west. We are
certain that the rushees would enjoy it as much as
the old members have in the past.
After this month we are pleasen to announce
that Miss. I. A. Catte will write up this page. She
has excellent references from the Amalgamated
Tattle-Tale-Union. We wish her success in fer-
reting out any scandal that she may find.
NOT SO GOOD.
Did you ever sit an(d ponder
And try to realize
The love I hold for you--
Well, I never did eit'er.
First She: "Why are you standing there posing before,
that window in your lingerie?
Second She: "For Art's sake."
Junior Orpheum Circuit
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE TWENTY-NINE.
The Cut-em Safety razor company received the fol-
lowing letter the other day.
Enclosed you will please find five dollars for one of
your best safety razors and some shaving cream.
P. S. I forgot to enclose the five dollars but any com-
pany with as much money as yours doesn't need it.
The Cut-em company sent this reply:
Enclosed you will find the razor and cream as or-
Cut-em Razor Company.
P. S. We forgot to enclose the razor and cream but
anyone with your cheek doesn't need to shave.
--HAMILTON ROYAL GABOON.
A co-ed who came from Mauchunk,
Sometimes got artistically drunk,
Till some bad gin she tookie
Then snapped up her cookie,
And now she says drinking's the hunk.
"Say, little one, is my face good for a pack of cigaret-
"No, but it might do for a tobacco pouch."
Taylor Music Company
HOPPER-POLLARD DRUG CO.
The University Barber Shop
UNIVERSITY FRUIT COMPANY
PAGE THIRTY THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
MOVE OVER FAIR ONE
A wealthy man and his wife owed their
maid wages in the amount of twenty dollars.
The maid had tried several ways of collect-
ing the money but they all had failed. She
at last decided to play sick until they paid
her. The family doctor was called in, and
after a close examination, the doctor began
"My little girl you're only fooling. That's
as plain as day," said he.
She sang, "They owe me twenty dollars,
and I can not make them pay, and here I lay
until they pay me.
"That's a darn good scheme," said he, "My
little girl they owe me fifty, move over and
make room for me."
OCTOBER, 1925 THE OUTLAW PAGE THIRTY-ONE
Think It Over!
A BUSINESS EDUCATION
PLACE TO GET IT
SCHOOL of COMMERCE
will insure success and help you with
your University work
Three Schools: ELVIRA BUILDING for
University students at BIBLE COLLEGE.
Brande Branch at Jefferson City,
THE SPIRIT OF '76
Sick of these
Verses that lead one on
And on, and on, and on, and on,
There's no catch to this - he wanted
A kiss. Instead of one - he got '76.
PAGE THIRTY-TWO THE OUTLAW OCTOBER, 1925
SIXTY-EIGHT YEARS IN BUSINESS
Branham Beauty Shoppe
The Canteen Scott's Book Shop
The Ridgway Company
WHITE EAGLE DAIRY CO.
ANYONE CAN GO TO THE MISSOURI-KANSAS GAME
THE OUTLAW has made arrangements with the Hotel Baltimore, in Kansas City for accomodations for a
limited number of students. We can give you a cheaper rate than you can secure personally. Come
in to see us about it.
Conley at Gentry THE OUTLAW DEN Conley at Gentry