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Outlaw November, 1925; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1925

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Outlaw Vol. II No. II Homecoming Number Price 25 cents HERALD-STATESMAN Millers 491 CAB CO. Valet THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING College Humor Parker Furniture Co. DEGRADATION A little frosh I was last year When I came up to school, I thought I'd make an Engineer, And learn to use the rule. The first semester soon rolled by, And then I got my grades; The sight of them just made me sigh, And I improvement made. The next semester passed away Without a wail or tear, And I was glad that I could say I'd be an Engineer. But now the tide has turned again; My mind is all but clear. I cannot join the shamrock men; I'd soon be on my bier. But I will move across the quad; Oi, Oi,-no calc is near, To start anew and ever trod- A Jewish Engineer. Recreation Parlor THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Victor Barth Clothing Co. DODGE BROTHERS Motor Cars TEA LEAVES Pour me a cup of jasmine tea As bitter-sweet as self. Full to the brim, for you and me, But more for you, you elf. Now, my sweet, what do you see In the Cathay brew? Are the leaves steeped in the tea? Look at them anew! You say you see two lives in there, Love-empassioned lives. And they are drifting! But to where . . . Ah! To paradise! Now, dear heart, who are those two? Oh can't you, can't you see That the happy girl is you And the happy man is me? Try our paddles. Don't get stung this time-let the other fellow. LEVY'S THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING THE "OUTLAW" IS SOLD BY Jimmie's College Inn. Missouri Stores Peck's Drug Co. The Co-Op. The Drug Shop Columbian Hotel Recreation Parlor Scott's Book Shop Tavern Drug Store Prather's Drug Store Vanity Fair Sampson's Virginia Pharmacy White House Heibel's Drug Store Missouri Barbecue Harris' Hopper-Pollard Drug Co. Campus Lunch Gillaspie Drug Co. The Palms Kelliher Drug Co. Davis Tea Room Harrison's Log Cabin, Chicago, Ill. Hotel Baltimore "Take Your Pick" WHY? Tell me little co-ed, Why you have come to school. Is it to study Greek Or to prove that man's a fool? Tell me little maiden, Why have you left the farm? Tell me little co-ed What is there here to charm? To what green altars Do you lead your silken calves, That you spend so freely Your quarters and your halves? Blame not the slickered sheiks, The lads with plastered hair, If when that you are passing They turn their heads to stare. Pull up your silken waist, Let down your woolen skirt, Came you here to study, Or came you here to flirt? -Frivol. GENERAL ELECTRIC THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 7 1925 Homecoming Number Tigers Sooners Missouri vs. Oklahoma THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Life's Little Jokes-No. 23978 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 9 The Outlaw VOLUME II NOVEMBER, 1925 NUMBER II On the Tiger Trail By Joe Alex Morris A recognized leader inf the Missouri Valley confer- ence, an outstanding team in the Middle West, and one of the half dozen ranking football squads of the United States, the University of Missouri Tigers are putting up a great fight for a second consecutive championship. Already the season is more than half completed and the Bengal record is unblemish- ed bly defeat and tells of only one tie game, that fought under adverse conditions with a, team which has later proved its worth by an overwhelming victory over one of the strong teams of the Big Ten conference. Coach Gwinn Henry, ably assisted by Jack Crangle and Harry Lansing, rounded the squad into shape early in the fall and after three weeks of stren- uous practice took a long trip to New Orleans where they played a 6 to 6 tie with Tulane University, the mighty "Green Wave" of the South. Playingon a field where the temperature reached close to 95 degrees, the Missourians were exhausted rapidly; pitting their skill against the speed and power o'f a strong group of Tulane ball-carriers it took nearly all of the thirty players who made the trip to hold off the Southerners. It was just a week later that the Tigers returned home to stop the invasion of a great horde of red- sweatered stars from the north, namely, the Ne- braska Cornhuskers who had scored a decisive vic- tory over "Red" Grange and company at Illinois the previous Saturday. Led by Capt. Ed Weir, All- American tackle, the host of Husker stars were given a big edge over the Missourians and when a frenzied Tiger team out-fought and out-scored the fa,med Nebraskans on Rollins Field that afternoon it struck the signal for a drive for another Valley title for the "Outlaw" school. Ed Weir didn't have a chance before the furious onslaught of the Tiger line and the 9 to 6 score tells only a small part of the first victory which Missouri had scored over the Huskers in more than a quarter of a cen- tury. Rolla School of Mines fell before the Bengal steam roller by 32 points a week later and then the Tigers took what nearly proved to be a, fatal trip to Manhattan, but which, thanks to the reliable toe of Capt. Sammy Whiteman, was converted into a three point victory. On a mud soaked field the Wildcat and Tiger mixed, both sides doing some high class .clawing and biting. Twice the Aggies stopped Missouri advances just out of reach of a touchdown, and on the second occasion Whiteman slammed the ball over the bar 'for the only score of the contest. A last minute Aggie threat proved ex- citing but useless against the Missouri defense. Entering the next Valley game the Tigers faced the strongest scoring power in the conference in Ames, the Iowa Cyclones. Much to the surprise of the Iowans the Bengals broke loose with a little hurricane all their own in the opening three min- utes of play and before the Ames team had ever gained possession of the leather the score was Mis- souri 6; Ames 0. The Cyclones overtook the lead but an enraged Tiger pounded the invader's line to pieces in the last half and took the battle by a. 23 10 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING to 8 score. Along with the power of the Missouri attack, the feature of the game was the pass which Bacchus, Tiger end, flung half the length of the field into the waiting arms of Teddy O'Sullivan on the Ames goal line. A successful start goes a long way towards a vic- torious finish but the obstacles which loom in the path of the Missouri team during the rest of the sa,son make the championship road a hard and rough one to travel. Oklahoma and Kansas are two schools which must always be feared by Tiger teams, no matter what the record of the past may be. At Kansas the continued defeats of the Jayhawker team have made the school desperate for a chance to topple the Missouri team from the Valley pin- nacle. Nothing else matters now but the Valley Classic, when all of the humiliation and suffering of the year can be erased in a single day by a, victory over the beast from the Missouri jungles. Missouri meets the Oklahoma Sooners before a Homecoming crowd here the 14th, the Prairie team- strongly confident by victories over such confer- ence leaders as Drake in the Valley, and Southern Methodist University in the South. It means that 1926 TIGERS the Indian tomahawk will be hard to stop on Rollins Field in that tussle. In Captain Sammy Whiteman Missouri has one of the finest and most courageous leaders in the coun- try. Bullet like passes, powerful drives, clever dodging and twisting, and above all an unbeatable spirit and love of team play mark the work of the Tiger captain. Supporting him in the backfield are the veterans Jackson, Stuber, Moulder, O'Sullivan, Casteel, and Thomas, all of whom have played in true championship style this faill. Clark, Grantello, Flamank and others have been new men to flash into the Missouri spotlight this fall as ball-luggers. The strongest point o'f the squad is the work of the Missouri line men, Bacchus, Coglizer, Linden- meyer; Stafford, .Walker, Richerson, and Smith forming a great defensive line. Ferguson, Stude- baker, Milligan, Tarr, Hicks, Nichols, Miller and Morgan are others who have made up the Tiger line in various games and with a host of other re- serve material give two strong defensive teams. Those men are not the only good football players who have been developed this year, as the thirty men who make up the squad are all of real varsity calibre. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 11 WORDS OF WELCOME The 1925 Missouri team is not only one of the best teams that Missouri has ever developed but is also one of the most interesting. The team is made up of smart, alert, determined, football players. They have remarkable institutional and team spirit and are playing the game in a way that is a credit to the University, coaches and themselves. We are all delighted to welcome back the Alumni and friends of the institution for the Oklahoma game Saturday and we believe they will see a splen- did football game as well as a splendid exhibition of Tiger spirit and that, win or lose, they will see a Missouri team that they can be proud of. Home- coming is in many ways our most important day of the year. We hope that this Homecoming will be the best that we have ever had. -C. L. BREWER. WELCOME ALUMNI Welcome, many times welcome to the alumni, for- mer students and friends of the University to this, our annual Homecoming. What could be finer than to have these loyal and liberal sons and daughters of Old Missouri to return to Alma Mater at this Thanksgiving season to express their love and de- votion to the old school and to pledge anew their allegiance? We are all proud of the staunch sup- port that the alumni are giving their Alma Mater. Bob Hill, Alumni Recorder, Chairman, Homecoming Committee. The R. O. T. C. of the University, and the officers and enlisted men of the Regular Army on duty therewith extend a warm welcome to the home- coming Alumni. To many of the older graduates who took the military instruction while here the R. O. T. C. is a new phase of this work which was instituted under the National Defense Act of 1916 and 1920, for the primary purpose of giving the able bodied male students some training to fit them to instruct and lead men in defense of their coun- try in case of another emergency. The R. O. T. C. students are worthily living up to the fine traditions bequeathed to them by the alumni land have kept the University of Missouri on the Distinguished List every year the units have been in existence. The true Tiger spirit permeates the entire R. O. T. C. and the corps bears true faith and allegiance to all the traditions of loyalty and service to God, Country, and University as handed down to it by the Alumni. M. C. KERTH, Col. Inf. (DOL.) P. M. S. & T. History of M. U.-O. U. Games. Year M. U. O. U. In fifteen years of playing Mizzou and Oklahoma have each won 7 and tied one. 1925 will give one team a rubber. Why Prodigals Like Homecoming. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING The Basis of Much Argument Against Military Training. THE 80'S TOO 'Twas like this Chauncy. When I started off to college To make my 'fortune, And grab a heap of knowledge, I had a lot of ambition And a sinful bunch of plans. But I was too speculatin' And it got me down. I met this glorious damsel With a wealth of all That God could give her, And a lot of things besides. She got all my allowance, And a mortgage on the farm. Now don't get me wrong, Chauncy, There wasn't any harm. I lived for her alone. But I was rather foolish, And she got the family home. Boy, but she was a fleecer She picked me, Oh so clean, And all so very nice, With her jumping, 'fading dice. I guess I should be thankful That I am w;ell and living. But let me tell you Chauncy, It's hell and application That keeps you in college. Shun that damsel Luck. THE RUN EXPERT Eugene McNalley knew runners. Men came from all over the world to interview him, as he was un- questionably an expert on the subject. He knew the game from A to Z. Which were the fastest? How could you develop a runner? What made runners. Nothing in his field of endeavor was beyond his scope. No one would ever pick McNalley out as an ath- lete. He was a short, slender, sallo'w complexioned man who was just passing his fiftieth milestone. In fact, he did not appear to be athletically inclined in the least sense of the word. McNalley was never seen taking any kind o'f exercise; from day to day he worked twelve to fifteen hours in his office. McNalley was a silk stocking expert. Historically Speaking. Pauline: "Every time I go out with Tom he orders me to do what General Washington com- manded his troops on the banks of the Delaware." Ferne: "You mean never to tell a lie?" Pauline: "Oh, my dear, no. Come across." RAIN There was a, moaning in the wind last night; There wia,s a crashing as the thunder broke; Down in a torrent poured the naked rain; Struck by the lightning fell a nearby oak; There was a longing in my heart last night, As in the dark I splashed my ankles through; Stumbling along, I thought of you, my dear, Wishing that you were here to get soaked, too. Heard at the Phly Hi House. Phly Hi (to orchestra): "Play, 'We Are Phly Hi's'." Frat Pledge (to orchestra): "Yah, that's a hot one. But for Gawd's sake don't sing the words to it." Phly Hi: "I'll have you men know that there are nice words to that song." Here's what's left Of poor John Dicken; Choked on the meat Of Tavern chicken. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 13 HOW TO ACT AT HOMECOMING (For grads only) (On g-etting off the train, pile into tie nearest taxi, no matter hiow full it may already be. This shows you are democratic. After the other passengers have gotten off, tell the driver to stop at every corner, so as to run up the taxi bill. ''his shows you arc a g(wod sport. If you cannot get a: room, rent yourself a smooth flkoor for the night. Count off all your professors who you think are no longer here. Ask if they are still at Missouri. This will cheer the students, who will be pleased to learn that profs are not immortal. If you are fond of an occasional swig, bring your own firewater. The stuff the bootleggers peddle here is dangerous.. (We've tried it.) See the State Historian so that you may lrush up on the Tiger yells of your day. To show that you have remembered them all these years will mark you as intensely patriotic. Wear old clothes if possible, as these will be least damaged by the many pins and badges you will have to wear. Leave your opera glasses at home. All charms of the local co-eds can be easily seen without 'em. When you eat in restaurants, order a cup of coffee, and finish your meal with provisions you brought from home. This will stamp you as a man of great foresight; it mnay also save you a bad case of in- digestion. "Hip, hip, hipper, hoo-ray" is the proper cheer to give when you watch the Homecoming Parade on Broadway in the morning. Bring a goodly supply of hats to the football game, so that you may toss one skyward every time someone makes a touchdown. Before leaving town, turn all your pockets inside out, to be sure that you have left all your filthy lucre in Columbia. Etiquette demands this, so that you may he able to tell the folks back home about howi much money you spent. If someone iasks you to come to Homecoming next year, say, "Sure, old top. By the way, will you lend me a couple of bucks, to pay my train fare home?" Wet Benny says that a baker is the only guy who can get a raise for loafing. Student: "Professor, why didn't they have horses on the Elizabethan stage?" Professor: "Because the Elizabethan stage wasn't a very stable affair." Co-eds in the Library. (An Impressionistic Ode) Stifled mirth and hats on rack; Frowning looks from a lady in black; One young thing, shy as a wren; Light bobbed hair-a-stalking- men; Tennis shoes; Chewing gum; Big blue eyes "Havin' fun," Stairway sounls of twitters and creaks, Talking to men-gawks and freaks; Solitary figure-all alone, 'Trying to get some studying done. FREE SONG HITS The Lyre Music Company, a local concern, is distributing free copies of "Felix", the latest song hit to all college students who make application for it before midnight Friday Nov. 23. This song was written by a University stewd-ent who wishes his name withheld, and is dedicated to the "Outlaw". We are allowed to publish a few line of the new hit before release of publication: Solo: "Felix is a funny cat," Chorus: "And we all know that well." Solo: "But when he turns his head about," Chorus: "He-sure-does-look-like-hell." This Gentleman Has Yet to Learn that Kappa Cars Are Fully Equipped with Several Sets of Snub- bers. 14 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING FACULTY BULL SCORES ON CO-ED MYNX ANNUAL HOMECOMING GAME PROVES HARD FOUGHT SCRAP Score Withheld Until Referee Henri Can Decide Results---Coach Pity Is Not Downcast, Special to The Outlaw By William Walters Special Correspondent, The Assimilated Press University Stadium- 11:30 a. m.---With only thirty minutes before the opening whistle of the annual homecoming gridiron clash between the Co- ed Mynx and the Faculty Bull the concrete stands were sagging under the weight of the vast multi- tude in attendance. The fast and crafty Mynx team trotted onto the field and during the short practice Coach Bess Pitty, who has been in constant touch with the players, stated: "My team is in the best of condition and no men can get away from our tackles." Shortly afterward Coach Bert Tickle of the Faculty entered at the head of his legions and fired back: "You can't tell the faculty anything." University Stadium- 11:59:59-A whistle and Referee Henry Henri had called the captains to the center of the field for the toss. As usual the Faculty won and elected to defend the North Pole. University Stadium-12:00 m.-The kickoff and Running story: Rompson received Helwood's boot on the 27 yard line and after going a few steps stopped to powder her nose. "Deanie," as the co-ed center is known, swum through the line with Harris in tow 'for 8 yards. On this play Alee was out on account of a misplaced eyebrow and Frances Rub- hard was substituted at full. Harris tried the end again but a penalty of 16 yards was given the Bulls for hugging. Here the Faculty held their position and the ball went over on downs. Helmsman shot a pass to Bedlam and Davyes was off in hot pursuit before even seeing who the man was. Bedlam was tapped on the 19 yard line. First down and 10 to flunk for the Faculty. Giddap-ye called time out for fear of ruining her complexion. The co-eds obstinately held their ground and the quarter ended with no scores. Using the hop-skip-and-jump shift the Mynx, with the beautiful assistance of Drewer carried the ball to midfield. When asked to stop the Bull rushes Coxwain answered "Sure I'll do it." Wrench was evicted from the game for using a bicycle to make his tackles with, Jonas Miles substituting. The co-eds continued their march with Jerkem in on everything as is her style. On the 35 yard line, however, they were forced to try a kick which stuck to Soapy's hands as he zig-zagged down the field. Harris refused to tackle him for she had not been properly introduced before the game started. Soapy had a clear field but turned around when two yards from the goal to assist Gently who had tripped in her mad pursuit. Score at the hal'f '0 all. The teams returned to the field greatly refreshed by the tea served during the half. The Bulls re- ceived and were unable to advance, the Co-eds didn't get much encouragement, but continued to hammer away without apprecikible gain. Coach Pitty called in Rubhard and cautioned her about throwing her arms around the men. She said that on the next of- fense Rubhard would be removed from the game as the coach never did trust men. At last the fatal moment came, in mid-field the Mynx quarter, Drewer, shot a succession of passes to Jerkem and Davyes for healthy gains. With his goal in danger Packard managed to pull one down, and with the speed of his namesake, sped down the field but Warnem, who had substituted for Diameter, went after him. Swiftly the crafty Mynx closed up on the runner, she had caught him, but disdaining ai tackle started talking. Slowly the pair proceeded toward the distant goal. Under the crossbar they stopped and dropping the hog-skin between them sat down on the line to talk it over. Then the final whistle blew. The referee is still trying to figure if it is a touchdown for the Bulls or a touchback for the Mynxs. The lineup: Mynxs Position Bulls Jerkam, G .........................L. E ....-.Bedlam, H. R. H. Diameter, C. .......--..-- .....L. T. ....---.......Packard, Jawn Gently, M ..................L. G. --............----... Soapy, Waltz Rumford, R .......-------.......................--.....-- Dry, Canada Giddap-ye, R ...............--R. G. .......-....... Venerable, G. Coxwain, Allen ..-.........R. T.... ............Grouch, Iz. A. Davyes, I. ........................R. E..............-Hawkshaw, H. Drewer, F. .........................Q.....--....Helmsman, Cappy Harris, W. Va. .......-........L. H.........Wrench, Monkey Romson, R ....---..............R. H.................. Helwood, A. Alee, Hard ......................F. B. ... .. ....... W ool, All THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 15 Questions to Be Answered by Those Visiting Hospitals. 1. (To be answered by both sexes and neuters). Do you ever slumber in your bed? 2. (To be answered by patients only). Do you have your cuticle pushed back regular- ly? 8. (To be answered by both sexes and neuters). Do you have ancestors? If so, did you contract them knowingly or not? If not, why not? 4. (To be answered only by lady students. Men please skip this.) Would you report to us the following morning if you had a diate with a man who took you off into the woods and told you there wasn't any Santa Claus. 5. (To be answered by graduate students). Can you write all you know on a postage stamp ? (So can we). 6. If you have been foolish enough to answer all the above questions truthifully, you must now form on the right and be marched to the hos- pital, where the Shakespearian psychologist will endeavor to see if you can tell a hawk from a handsaw. Another Bug House Fable. Bang, bang, bang, go the paddles As they crash in the pure mid air; The paddles hit each other For the freshman isn't there. There was a, young lady named Chinn Who sat down on a very sharp pin She arose with a yell, Ejaculated, "Oh............!" We wonder what that word could have been? Here goes one of the Yellow Race, The guy who held the extra ace. Professor Dimwit as he appeared while delivering his famous lecture, "The Beauty of the Human Form." ANOTHER LITERARY CRIME A pulsating throb of drums mingles 'with the weird, long-drawn wail of a saxophone. Straining bodies pressed tightly together, oblivious to all else save the proximity of perfumed flesh. Pierc- ing the wild cacaphony, a shrieking whoop from the drummer. The soft, rhythmic shuffling of danc- ing feet croons languorous, intoxicating frenzy to the blood. The dancers sway drunkenly under the soft haze of light, their eyes wild with a nameless passion and delight, their minds inflamed with the barbaric pulsations of a tom-tom. Whirling in a maze of colour they lose themselves in the gloom, and reappear and disappear again like wraiths. Still the insidious glamour of an impending orgy, a lust for .... Another college litterateur tries to describe the dirty music the Betas had at their house dance the other night. "The orchestra is playing smoothly, isn't it?" "That's because it's well oiled."-Columns. 16 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Critic No. --"Did you see 'Captain Applejack'?" Critic No. 2-"Yes." No. 1-"Who played the hero?" No. 2-"I did. I sat through the whole show." SONG OF JOURNALISTIC EXPRESSION Our medic studes may dress like dudes; The lawyers canes and derbies sport; In papa's rags the husky ags May drive their nags around the court; While lacadems may slight the style To rake up lucre for the ball, And engineers like farmers dress........ The journalist must write it all! To corner church the coeds go Perhaps to show their bright new clothes; And on the stage the pastors rave, Denouncing wicked Sunday shows; At Tuesday drill the frail cadets In burning sun may faint and fall; And campus booze may blind a few; The journalist must write it all! Some smart young thing may make all E's; The fraters dance in reckless joy; Our dean of women say her bit; And sighing Susan land ai boy; The sophs may capture frosh at night, And paddle till the freshies bawl; And profs may think their students dolts; The journalist must write it all! Envoi No matter how the lectures sound: Whether they sparkle, drag, or pall...... We don't care what -the speakers say; The journalist must write it all! At Reed Hall. The Chaperon (to the char-woman) : "I can't see why it is that we only have to sweep the front porch on date nights, while we have to mop the back porch." We love the noise Made by girls and boys In collegiate eating lplaces, Where the toast and mush Go crush, crush, crush, In the great wide open faces. There Was a Sound of * * * by Night. Night. The garden was silent under the heart- rending beauty o'f the stars. Roses whispered amorously over the paths to shy, nodding holly- hocks. A huge, unbelievable moon hung over the tops of the poplars. At the end of the gravel path, near a tossing fountain, two figures, close together. Suddenly they blend into a composite mass of shadow. A lowi voice breaks the silence, "Oh! Please. Not so tight." A second voice, somewhat lower, and a bit pleading, "But why, darling?" The fig- ures separate a moment, then melt together. Again the voice, "Oh, must you hold so tight?" Then the second voice, louder, "Say, woman. How do you expect to ever learn to hold a putter, if you won't let me show you how to grab it? Good night!" Helen-Don't you want your husband to be eco- nomical? Dorcas-Yes, but it's awful to have to go out with him beforehand. A traveling salesman ordered a chicken sandwich and as he devoured the vary hammy looking sand- wich he muttered sadly, "One thing sure, this chick- en made a hog of itself before it died." Diplomacy is all right-if it gets the diploma. Fresh: "What fraternity are you looking for?" Man: "I don't know. They are all Greek to me." At the Awful Ganga Dumbbells' House. Pledge: "I bought this hat to fit my head." President: "Yes, dear, it is a nice, soft hat." Gladys: How wonderful Mabel looks. Alice: Why shouldn't she? She's well kept. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 17 TRUE? I If you play with the hearts of women, Be they old or merely maids, Be sure, my son, you'll regret it, As sure as spades are spades. II You've laughed and joked with other boys At the way you've strung them along, Never considering the pain you've caused, Nor thinking you've lone any wrong. III But wait! Some time you'll really'love, And then you'll begin to pay, For the hearts you've broken will give you no rest, In your work, your dreams, your play. IV You'll see their faces as you talked to them, You'll see the look in their eyes, When you spoke of love and other things; God! But you'll hate those lies. V For the day you find yourself in love With al girl so wondrous fair, You'll think of the hearts you've trifled with, And you'll begin to doubt she's square. VI That day will aill come back to you, And the question you'll ask will be: I've fooled and played with many girls- Do you guess she's playing with me?" VII When you kiss the lips of the girl you love, As you leave her at her door. You'll wonder, in spite of all you can do, If she's been kissed that way before. VIII For the things she does through innocence Will set your heart to doubt, And the minutes you spend away from her Will tear your heartstrings out. IX You'll never think she's doing right, Though she tries-and does her best; You'll be jea'lous of every man you see with her, And think she's like the rest. X You'll think of the many girls you've kissed, And the reason that this is true: "The things that I do to another man's girl, Another man to my girl can do." No Commerce student ever rated an "E" getting his banking practice on a pool table. AT THE BETA HOUSE National Inspector: "Why is it that nearly all of your men have several suits which consist of trou- sers and vests only?" House President: "You see, sir, that is only another example of our efforts to maintain our purity. Like the prophet who lost his coat fleeing from Potiphar's wife, we would rather lose our coats than our innocence." I'll say this for the movies, 'Though I'm no movie fiend; They're very free from all coarse jokes As all the jokes are screened. Never try to get out of drill by going to the den- tist. English Professor: "In studying the history of word-shifts I want you to notice that some words seem to be connected to each other by logical se- quence, for example: free-love, disillusionment, per- ambulators." I got fired today but I won't lose any money. How come? I had fire insurance. 18 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Football. Have you never rushed through the foeman's line While the stands went wild with glee? Have you never planted the pigskin firm Past the goal of the enemy? Have you never laid on the frosty ground Underneath the football teams For a year, it seemed, till they all piled off, And you saw that the sun still beams? Have you never played with a broken leg So your side could win the fight? Have you never darted around left end, Or maybe, say, 'round the right? Did you ever crush through a center rush; Did you, when the game was done, Smile cheerfully though your skull was cracked. For you knew that your school had won? "You say that you haven't? Case dismissed! Your mind is sound," said the alienist. At Miss Hefty Graynab's Boarding House. Miss Hefty (to waiter): "Have you sanded the sugar ?" Waiter: "Yes." Miss Graynab: "And watered the milk." Waiter: "Yes." Miss G.: "Very well then; you may say your prayers now." Freshmen: Become popular: take a date to the game! WHY GIRLS LEAVE HOME Sally was a good girl down home in Punkin Cor- ner. She came from a home where there were "God Bless Our Home" and "Papa Love Mama" mottos on the walls. Naturally, a girl raised in such an environment could not be expected to recognize the Devil when he appeared in the guise of a Travel- ing Salesman 'from Kansas City. It was the night before Christmas-Christmas Eve to be exact-when he came to that small town of Sally's. As unmarried men who are single and hungry go to restaurants to eat and to chide the poor working girls; so he crossed the street to Punkin Corner's eating emporium. Sally, demure little girl that she was, came up to wait on him. He glanced over her with the eye of a connoisseur, noting the rustic beauty of her figure. He was in- terested and made her promise to allow him to come out that evening. "But papa and mama won't be home," she said. "So much the better," he growled. So it came to pass that at eight he was there. Sally was a-flutter. Her dream had been realized. A man from the city had come to see her. She met him at the door. He whispered a few im- passioned words in her ear. She repulsed him, but devil that he was, he would not be denied. He pressed closer following up his slight advantage. "Come," he said, "come to the city with me. Life will be pleasant and I will pay you well." "Wait," she said and, dashing up the stairs, she grabbed her small bag. In a twinkling she was down. At the station the old grey-haired agent sadly shook his locks as he slaw them go. The train whistle blew and she was gone. Gone to get a job as model in Humpeldinck's department store in the big city. HOMECOMING The old grads are coming, the old grads are coming; Hurray, hurray! In new suits and old ones, with shy girls and bold ones, They march to the Homecoming fray! There's bankers and butchers, and teachers and cops, Conductors, abductors, deductors; and pops Who march to a rattle and babyish'prattle; There's some deal in cattle and crops; The band strikes a rumble, and then plays a tune! Which Grads from Mizzou don't forget very soon; With strumming and drumming the old grads are coming; Hurray, hurray! THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING AS YOU LIKE IT By. B. B. B. Dear Girls from Stephens: The Outlaw staff is very sorry that some of you were offended by a verse ,we published in the "High Life" number. The verse wlas meant to be a joke and we hoped that it would be taken in that light. The staff wants every student in Columbia to be a reader of the Outlaw. The editor has promised me that he will give at least a page in the next number to jokes and cartoons from Stephen's College, and another page to the girls from Christian, making it possible for girls from these colleges to be on the staff. Any information in regard to this may be had by writ- ing: Big Bad Bill, c/o The Outlaw. Dear Visitors: The Outlaw staff welcomes you to Tiger land. We will all have a big time the next few days and we hope that the old grads will be pleased with the waiy w.e are throwing the line. We would welcome you to the Outlaw den but our steam heating plant is closed for repairs. In case you do want to hold a reunion in the den we might be able to put some extra "True Confessions" and "Whiz Bangs" on the shelf until the place thaws out. If "The Pail" were like the talks given to the Sunday School class which prints it we would only need one copy to keep the place warm. Yours for a happy roundup, Big Bad Bill Two half pints make a whole-especially when you have to pay for them yourself. Visitor-"They tell me you hold the course rec- ord here. You never told me you played golf." She-"Oh- they didn't mean golf." Hot water bottles aren't the only kind that keep one warm. Lipward Ho! Straight in front of Dr. Burner- Sat a pretty Senorita. (She was dumb in Espanola, But was wise in other things). Poor was her pronunciations- Alla' her verbs were deviations. (Yet in the school of syncopation She could rate an Al grade) She was always quite mistaken,- In her verbs and sentence makings. (She could set a prof a thinking 'bout more things than Espanol.) Quizzes she was always flunkin'- Lessons to her all were bunk, and (She was really good for something. tho' it wasn't Espanol). The day before examination- She ask me a foolish question. (Would I fix a declination, of the little word beso?) DID I HELP HER? Guess 20 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING The Outlaw Staff James H. Nash, CHAIRMAN BUSINESS MANAGER EDITOR ADVERTISING MANAGER Erie H. Sherman Charles E. Chapel Pauline Stoner ASSISTANT EDITORS CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS S. Wolfe Eichel Charles Burgess Kenneth Lankford Dale Beronius J. T. Hightower Warren Kraus CONTRIBUTING EDITORS ADVERTISING ASSISTANTS -lenry Lapidus David M. Flournoy George Hamilton John McMullan A. L. Finestone A. Bruce Donegan Wesley K. Nash SERVICE DEPARTMENT CIRCULATION MANAGER K. M. Gentry James Hamilton COVER ARTIST COLLECTION MANAGER Eugene C. Beal A. C. Reed THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year. Subscription price for the full year is $1.50. Office situated at the corner of Conley and Gentry Avenues. Address all communication to THE OUTLAW, Columbia, Missouri. Copyright, 1925, by THE OUTLAW. Contents of this magazine must not be reprinted. VOLUME II NOVEMBER, 1925. NUMBER II O. O. McINTYRE THE OUTLAW'S GODFATHER NEW YORK CITY A GRINNING SKULL PUBLICATION It is both fitting and proper at this time of the year to make some remarks about Home- coming and the spirits of the old graduates of Missouri. Perhaps if we say a great deal about Homecoming and a very little about spirits we will please more readers. Some of the old graduates will drink to Alma Mater only with their eyes. Others will not. If you believe in long editorials in would-be-humorous magazines we suggest that you write a long editorial, address it to the Editor, and then tear it up. You will have pleased yourself and saved our three thousand readers from boredom. The Outlaw joyously thanks the following for their contributions to this issue: W. H. Jack, Frances Chinn, Matilda Janes, Ann Schneider, R. A. Randolph, W. C. Ilfeld, R. L. Schmidt, and E. R. Care. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Whitman's Famous Candies are sold by PECK DRUG COMPANY THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Other Campus Comedy LES FEMMES. If she is sensible and sane 'Tis said, with look of high disdain, 'She's quite impossible, it's plain To see.' If she's a. maiden with a past The better people stand aghast- 'She's going to the dogs so fast, Dear me!" Won't someone with a master mind Inspire me, so that I may find Which of the types of womankind To be? -Vassar Vagabond Judge: You say you were not doing anything wrong when you were arrested? Rastus: No, sah, Ah was wailking down the street when dis Irish cop hit me on the head just 'cause Ah was a'whistlin' "Ireland must be hebben 'cause mah mudder came from dere."-Mirror. ADVENTURE She took me in the bedroom And laid me on the bed, "Just a wee bit tight," Was all her mother said. And now I'm at the party Holding her still tight, 'Cause I'm the pretty formal She tried on last night. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. AN ALARMING IDEA Aunt Hilda, after a brief survey of the college comic, looked up at her nephew with a horrified expression of wonder. "Aren't you afraid," she asked, "that young ladies will read these papers?" -Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern. She sat on the hill at eventide Deserted by woman and man She said over and over "I'll never eat onions again." -C. C. N. Y. Mercury He-Doing anything special right now, girlie? She-Yes, getting ready to call a cop. He-The cop on this beat is awfully fat-you could have a better time with me.-Jack o'Lantern. I'd rather take a good drink of whiskey than smoke a cigarette," said the old lady emphatically to a co-ed who was puffing away at a Chesterfield. "Gosh, who wouldn't?" replied the modern col- lege girl.-Minn. Ski-U-Mah. "How was Vera dressed at the party last night?" "I forgot, but I do remember that her dress was checked." "Say, what kind of a dance was that?'-Burr. Here lies John Thirsty McSly, He thought he could shoot with quicker eye Than the blue-coated guy. -Black and Blue Jay. Bon Voyage THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING Western Electric Company 24 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING OUR ADVERTISERS LOCAL: Valet Cleaning Co. 4!1 Cab Co. Miller's Victor Barth Clothing Co. Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. Parker Furniture Co. Jack Daily Recreation Parlor Levy's Columbia Missourian College Cleaners John N. Taylor Boone County Automobile Co. Woman's Exchange S & B Clothing Co. Oak Barber Shop Harris' Lindsey's Heibel's Pharmacy Vanity Fair Wolff-Berger Missouri Barbecue Recreation Barber Shop Tiger Cab Co. NATIONAL: Whitman Candy Co. General Electric Co. American Student Publishers Western Electric Co. Demuth Pipe Co. College Humor Lears Rochester KANSAS CITY Hotel Baltimore ADVERTISING AGENCIES Collegiate Special Adv. Agency Roy Barnhill, Inc. Intercollegiate Adv. Agency. A certain young freshman named Sapp Started out to make FI BETTIE KAPP. But cards, dice and whiskey Made up parties too frisky, And his chances were not worth a rap. "You say old Snoodles is doing much to build up his Alma Mater?" "Yes. He's a bricklayer." Try This on Your Prof. He sat on a chair, Then jumped in the air, For he didn't notice A tack that was there. I've seen all kinds of likker, And I've had it where I've been, But I never heard of anyone Who could drink a cotton gin. Best friend, on hearing the glad news from his chum, "Congratulations old man whose fault was it ?"Pup. HARRIS' THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 25 Fussy passenger (aboard ship)-"Doesn't this boat tip a lot, steward ?" Steward-"Yes, she's setting a good example for the passengers. Thank you, sir." You can talk about the larvae, but the pancakies really make the butterfly. "I think you are stringing me," said the convict as the warden led him to the scaffold. "I'm getting a line on this bird," said the student as he lassoed the, ostrich. "We're off on a toot," said the conductor, as the train whistled and pulled out of the station. WOLFF-BERGER CO. JACK DAILY SIX FOR ONE Yes sir, we will give you six issues of the OUTLAW for one dollar. Do you want to take advantage of this won- derful offer to save four bits? Our Christmas number is going to be a knockout, and our Take Off num- ber in January, is to be red hot. The cover has been drawn by Mr. Dale Beronius of the Kansas City Star, and he certainly does know how to throw a mean pen. Our exchange number will appear soon after this and will contain the best of other campus comedy. We are thinking of a College Num- ber dedicated to the college girls of Columbia. What could be sweeter? Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Clip the coupon be- low and mail to the Business Manager. Business Manager, Missouri Outlaw Columbia, Mo. I should say I do want the remaining issues of the "OUTLAW." Here is my dollar and you can send, the copies to- N am e ...... .. ............................................. C ity....................................................... S tate .............................................................. Street N um ber ............. . ......................... 26 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING MILANO College Cleaners She: How did the party end? He: I went on the wagon. She: Water? He: No police. -Cornell Widow. For Sale-One baby carriage. Reason for selling-Going out of business. -Carolina Buccaneer She: Why do college nen kiss the way they do ? He: I'll bite. She: Oh, then you're just like all the rest. -The Jungle A stout woman drove up to a filling- station. "I want two quarts of oil," she said. "What kind, heavy?" "Say, young man, don't get fresh with me," was the indignant response. -Iowa Frivol. Peggy: Is Dot wild? Billy: well, she played strip poker the other day with a one-piece bathing suit on.-Bison. WOMEN'S EXCHANGE TIGER CAB CO. THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 27 ON THE TELEPHONE Dick: Hello, I won't be able to come over to- night. Ethel: Oh hello, you're frank. Dick: No, Damn it. I'm your little Bill! -Pitt Panther "Seems to me that Salome's (dance lacked origi- nality." "How so?" "It was just a take-off from beginning to finish." -Yellow Jacket What do you do when you're kissed ?" "I yell." "Well, will you yell if I kiss you ?" "Hu-uh. I'm still hoarse from last night." -Sun Dial. He-" Let's sit out this dance. I have a game knee." She-"Well,-er,-just how- game?" -Black and Blue Jay RECREATION BARBER SHOP MISSOURI BARBECUE LINDSEY'S HEIBEL'S PHARMACY 28 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING SO'S YOUR OLD MAN. "Now little Oofty-goofty, do you believe there's a devil?" "No, Jethro. It's like Santy Claus and the Stork. It's only father.-Brown Jug. Bible-"Why did Moses take the tablets?" Daze-"He had a headache."-Panther. S. Amato The Handy Hut BOONE COUNTY NATIONAL BANK BOONE COUNTY AUTOMOBILE COMPANY THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING THE EXTRA-ORDINARY TALE OF HERSHEL DEWEIS Hershel DeWeis was no ordinary fellow.. From his first day at old Yaprince his life had been one of triumphs. It was true that he had come to col- lege an uncouth and unshaved lad, but he had rapidly developed-he was alert-he had studied-- he had trained-and he was no longer Hershel De- Weis, the boy-but he was now Hershel DeWeis, the man. Hershel had great faith in himself. He was in perfect physical condition, and he knew it. Many weeks on the cinder track and in the apparatus room had produced a physical fitness not uncommon to many great athletes. He knew that if he were called on to make a run, he would not become ex- hausted before the play was completed. Finally the day of the great struggle arrived. Promptly at two o'clock the players arrived at the enclosure, and in the midst of them was no other than our friend-Hershel DeWeis. They were greeted by ovation after ovation. Fif- teen minutes later lulled had become the shouts that had recently been heard. There was a tense silence. Suddenly a sharp, clear noise was to be heard-al- most instantaneously a number of human beings were together-struggling-struggling-struggling. "Give it to DeWeis"-cried a voice. "Let DeWeis carry it," another spectator fran- tically cried. Suddenly one of the players gave the signal- there was another moment of tense waiting. Before the spectators came ot a full realization of what was happening, DeWeis was off on a great run-and what a run it was!-the spectators stood aghast- fascinated-thrilled-charmed-petrified-and again Hershel was releasing his pent-up energy-another run-and still another. Finally DeWeis grew weary. He ceased his masterly efforts. An old grad who had hither-to been silent stood up, rubbed his eyes, moistened his lips and growled, "Why don't they let DeWeis carry the Cadenza- the rest of the orchestra is punk-bedammed if you'll ever catch me at another tea dance." I took my girl to the senior prom 'Cause she couldn't go alone. And it's damn' lucky that I did, For 'twas her who brought me home. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. Oak Barber "There was a young man from S and B Clo. Co the West, Who proposed to the girl he Shop loved best. So close did he press her To make her say, 'Yes Sir,' He broke two cigars in his vest." 30 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING FRESHMEN, SOPHOMORES, JUNIORS, SENIORS, ATHLETES- Do You Know "How to Study" The Students' Hand-Book of Practical Hints on the Technique of Effective Study by WILLIAM ALLEN BROOKS A GUIDE containing hundreds of practical hints and short cuts in the economy of learning, to assist students in securing MAXIMUM RE- SULTS at a minimum cost of time, energy, and fatigue. ESPECIALLY RECOMMENDED for over- worked students and athletes engaged in extra curriculum activities and for average and honor students who are working for high scholastic achievement. Some of the Topics Covered Scientific Shortcuts in Effective Study. Preparing for Examinations. Writing Good Examinations. Brain and Digestion in Relation to Study. How to Take Lecture and Reading Notes. Advantages and Disadvantages of Cramming. The Athlete and His Studies. Diet During Athletic Training. How to Study Modern Languages. How to Study Science, Literature, etc. Why Go to College? After College, What? Developing Concentration and Efficiency. etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., Why You Need This Guide "It is safe to say that often a chastisement, a failure is the weak flagellation, and an in- point in the whole edu- surperable obstacle to cation al machine." contentment." Prof. A. Prof. G. M. Whipple, Inglish, Harvard. U. of Michigan. "Academic psychol- "The successful men ogy with its highly pro- in college do not seem ductive resources glad- to be very happy. Most ly owes to these (stu- of them, especially the dents) the obligation of athletes, are overwork- giving all it can to ed." Prof. H. S. Canby, make this learning pro- Yale. cess easier, more pleas- "Misdirected labor, ant, and in all ways though honest and well more productive." Prof. intentioned may lead to G. V. N. Dearborn. naught. Among the "HOW TO STUDY" most important things will show you how to for the student to learn avoid all misdirected ef- is how to study. With- fort. out a knowledge of this labor may be largely in Get a good start and vain." Prof. G. F. make this year a highly Swain, M. I. T. successful, one by send- "To students who ing for this hand-book, have never learned how guide, companion, and to study, work is very adviser, NOW. You Need This Intelligent Assistance AMERICAN STUDENT PUBLISHERS, 22 West 43rd St., New York. Clip Gentlemen: Please send me a copy of "How to and Mail Study" for which I enclose $1.00 cash; $1..10 check. Name ............... ........................................... Today Address .............. ........................................ THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN Homecoming Program Friday, November 13 5:30 p. m.-M Men's Dinner at Y. M. (C. A. 5:30 p. m.-Past Student Presidents' dinner at Harris' 7:15 p. m.-Mass meeting on Rollins Field. 8:30 p. m.-Blowing of taps from Memorial Tower. 9:00 p. m.-Frolic at Rothwell Gymnasium. 9:00 p. m .-nformal Mixer at Women's Gymnasium. Saturday, November 14 7:30 a. m.-Breakfasts to be given by Mortar Board at the Corner Tea Room, by Q. E. B. H. at the Corner Tea Room and by Mystical Seven at Harris.' 9:00 a. m.-Alumni meetings at respective schools. 11:00 a. m.-1925 Homecoming Parade. 2:00 p. m.-Missouri-Oklahoma game on Rollins Field. 5:00 p. m.-Reception given to visiting women by the Women's Self Government Association at Women's Gymnasium. OLD GRADS! You're on the Bench The Verdict Is to Buy the 1926 Savitar The World's Finest College Annual Special Alumni Honor Section a New Feature The twenty Old Grads who, in the opinion of the Committee on Selections, have gained the greatest amount of recognition and fame, will be presented in the Alumni Honor Section. Buy from Solicitors or at Booths 1926 Savitar