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THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
A little frosh I was last year
When I came up to school,
I thought I'd make an Engineer,
And learn to use the rule.
The first semester soon rolled by,
And then I got my grades;
The sight of them just made me sigh,
And I improvement made.
The next semester passed away
Without a wail or tear,
And I was glad that I could say
I'd be an Engineer.
But now the tide has turned again;
My mind is all but clear.
I cannot join the shamrock men;
I'd soon be on my bier.
But I will move across the quad;
Oi, Oi,-no calc is near,
To start anew and ever trod-
A Jewish Engineer.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Pour me a cup of jasmine tea
As bitter-sweet as self.
Full to the brim, for you and me,
But more for you, you elf.
Now, my sweet, what do you see
In the Cathay brew?
Are the leaves steeped in the tea?
Look at them anew!
You say you see two lives in there,
And they are drifting! But to where . . .
Ah! To paradise!
Now, dear heart, who are those two?
Oh can't you, can't you see
That the happy girl is you
And the happy man is me?
Try our paddles. Don't get stung this time-let
the other fellow.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
THE "OUTLAW" IS SOLD BY
Jimmie's College Inn.
Peck's Drug Co.
The Drug Shop
Scott's Book Shop
Tavern Drug Store
Prather's Drug Store
Heibel's Drug Store
Hopper-Pollard Drug Co.
Gillaspie Drug Co.
Kelliher Drug Co.
Davis Tea Room
Harrison's Log Cabin, Chicago, Ill.
"Take Your Pick"
Tell me little co-ed,
Why you have come to school.
Is it to study Greek
Or to prove that man's a fool?
Tell me little maiden,
Why have you left the farm?
Tell me little co-ed
What is there here to charm?
To what green altars
Do you lead your silken calves,
That you spend so freely
Your quarters and your halves?
Blame not the slickered sheiks,
The lads with plastered hair,
If when that you are passing
They turn their heads to stare.
Pull up your silken waist,
Let down your woolen skirt,
Came you here to study,
Or came you here to flirt?
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 7
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Life's Little Jokes-No. 23978
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 9
VOLUME II NOVEMBER, 1925 NUMBER II
On the Tiger Trail
By Joe Alex Morris
A recognized leader inf the Missouri Valley confer-
ence, an outstanding team in the Middle West, and
one of the half dozen ranking football squads of the
United States, the University of Missouri Tigers are
putting up a great fight for a second consecutive
championship. Already the season is more than
half completed and the Bengal record is unblemish-
ed bly defeat and tells of only one tie game, that
fought under adverse conditions with a, team which
has later proved its worth by an overwhelming
victory over one of the strong teams of the Big Ten
Coach Gwinn Henry, ably assisted by Jack
Crangle and Harry Lansing, rounded the squad into
shape early in the fall and after three weeks of stren-
uous practice took a long trip to New Orleans where
they played a 6 to 6 tie with Tulane University, the
mighty "Green Wave" of the South. Playingon a
field where the temperature reached close to 95
degrees, the Missourians were exhausted rapidly;
pitting their skill against the speed and power o'f a
strong group of Tulane ball-carriers it took nearly
all of the thirty players who made the trip to hold
off the Southerners.
It was just a week later that the Tigers returned
home to stop the invasion of a great horde of red-
sweatered stars from the north, namely, the Ne-
braska Cornhuskers who had scored a decisive vic-
tory over "Red" Grange and company at Illinois
the previous Saturday. Led by Capt. Ed Weir, All-
American tackle, the host of Husker stars were
given a big edge over the Missourians and when
a frenzied Tiger team out-fought and out-scored the
fa,med Nebraskans on Rollins Field that afternoon
it struck the signal for a drive for another Valley
title for the "Outlaw" school. Ed Weir didn't
have a chance before the furious onslaught of the
Tiger line and the 9 to 6 score tells only a small
part of the first victory which Missouri had scored
over the Huskers in more than a quarter of a cen-
Rolla School of Mines fell before the Bengal
steam roller by 32 points a week later and then the
Tigers took what nearly proved to be a, fatal trip
to Manhattan, but which, thanks to the reliable toe
of Capt. Sammy Whiteman, was converted into a
three point victory. On a mud soaked field the
Wildcat and Tiger mixed, both sides doing some
high class .clawing and biting. Twice the Aggies
stopped Missouri advances just out of reach of a
touchdown, and on the second occasion Whiteman
slammed the ball over the bar 'for the only score of
the contest. A last minute Aggie threat proved ex-
citing but useless against the Missouri defense.
Entering the next Valley game the Tigers faced
the strongest scoring power in the conference in
Ames, the Iowa Cyclones. Much to the surprise of
the Iowans the Bengals broke loose with a little
hurricane all their own in the opening three min-
utes of play and before the Ames team had ever
gained possession of the leather the score was Mis-
souri 6; Ames 0. The Cyclones overtook the lead
but an enraged Tiger pounded the invader's line to
pieces in the last half and took the battle by a. 23
10 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
to 8 score. Along with the power of the Missouri
attack, the feature of the game was the pass which
Bacchus, Tiger end, flung half the length of the field
into the waiting arms of Teddy O'Sullivan on the
Ames goal line.
A successful start goes a long way towards a vic-
torious finish but the obstacles which loom in the
path of the Missouri team during the rest of the
sa,son make the championship road a hard and
rough one to travel. Oklahoma and Kansas are two
schools which must always be feared by Tiger
teams, no matter what the record of the past may be.
At Kansas the continued defeats of the Jayhawker
team have made the school desperate for a chance
to topple the Missouri team from the Valley pin-
nacle. Nothing else matters now but the Valley
Classic, when all of the humiliation and suffering of
the year can be erased in a single day by a, victory
over the beast from the Missouri jungles.
Missouri meets the Oklahoma Sooners before a
Homecoming crowd here the 14th, the Prairie team-
strongly confident by victories over such confer-
ence leaders as Drake in the Valley, and Southern
Methodist University in the South. It means that
the Indian tomahawk will be hard to stop on Rollins
Field in that tussle.
In Captain Sammy Whiteman Missouri has one of
the finest and most courageous leaders in the coun-
try. Bullet like passes, powerful drives, clever
dodging and twisting, and above all an unbeatable
spirit and love of team play mark the work of the
Tiger captain. Supporting him in the backfield are
the veterans Jackson, Stuber, Moulder, O'Sullivan,
Casteel, and Thomas, all of whom have played in
true championship style this faill. Clark, Grantello,
Flamank and others have been new men to flash
into the Missouri spotlight this fall as ball-luggers.
The strongest point o'f the squad is the work of
the Missouri line men, Bacchus, Coglizer, Linden-
meyer; Stafford, .Walker, Richerson, and Smith
forming a great defensive line. Ferguson, Stude-
baker, Milligan, Tarr, Hicks, Nichols, Miller and
Morgan are others who have made up the Tiger
line in various games and with a host of other re-
serve material give two strong defensive teams.
Those men are not the only good football players
who have been developed this year, as the thirty men
who make up the squad are all of real varsity calibre.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 11
WORDS OF WELCOME
The 1925 Missouri team is not only one of the
best teams that Missouri has ever developed but is
also one of the most interesting. The team is made
up of smart, alert, determined, football players.
They have remarkable institutional and team spirit
and are playing the game in a way that is a credit to
the University, coaches and themselves.
We are all delighted to welcome back the Alumni
and friends of the institution for the Oklahoma
game Saturday and we believe they will see a splen-
did football game as well as a splendid exhibition of
Tiger spirit and that, win or lose, they will see a
Missouri team that they can be proud of. Home-
coming is in many ways our most important day of
the year. We hope that this Homecoming will be
the best that we have ever had.
-C. L. BREWER.
Welcome, many times welcome to the alumni, for-
mer students and friends of the University to this,
our annual Homecoming. What could be finer than
to have these loyal and liberal sons and daughters
of Old Missouri to return to Alma Mater at this
Thanksgiving season to express their love and de-
votion to the old school and to pledge anew their
allegiance? We are all proud of the staunch sup-
port that the alumni are giving their Alma Mater.
Bob Hill, Alumni Recorder,
Chairman, Homecoming Committee.
The R. O. T. C. of the University, and the officers
and enlisted men of the Regular Army on duty
therewith extend a warm welcome to the home-
coming Alumni. To many of the older graduates
who took the military instruction while here the
R. O. T. C. is a new phase of this work which was
instituted under the National Defense Act of 1916
and 1920, for the primary purpose of giving the
able bodied male students some training to fit them
to instruct and lead men in defense of their coun-
try in case of another emergency.
The R. O. T. C. students are worthily living up
to the fine traditions bequeathed to them by the
alumni land have kept the University of Missouri on
the Distinguished List every year the units have
been in existence. The true Tiger spirit permeates
the entire R. O. T. C. and the corps bears true faith
and allegiance to all the traditions of loyalty and
service to God, Country, and University as handed
down to it by the Alumni.
M. C. KERTH, Col. Inf. (DOL.) P. M. S. & T.
History of M. U.-O. U. Games.
Year M. U. O. U.
In fifteen years of playing Mizzou and Oklahoma
have each won 7 and tied one. 1925 will give one
team a rubber.
Why Prodigals Like Homecoming.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
The Basis of Much Argument Against Military
THE 80'S TOO
'Twas like this Chauncy.
When I started off to college
To make my 'fortune,
And grab a heap of knowledge,
I had a lot of ambition
And a sinful bunch of plans.
But I was too speculatin'
And it got me down.
I met this glorious damsel
With a wealth of all
That God could give her,
And a lot of things besides.
She got all my allowance,
And a mortgage on the farm.
Now don't get me wrong, Chauncy,
There wasn't any harm.
I lived for her alone.
But I was rather foolish,
And she got the family home.
Boy, but she was a fleecer
She picked me, Oh so clean,
And all so very nice,
With her jumping, 'fading dice.
I guess I should be thankful
That I am w;ell and living.
But let me tell you Chauncy,
It's hell and application
That keeps you in college.
Shun that damsel Luck.
THE RUN EXPERT
Eugene McNalley knew runners. Men came from
all over the world to interview him, as he was un-
questionably an expert on the subject. He knew the
game from A to Z. Which were the fastest? How
could you develop a runner? What made runners.
Nothing in his field of endeavor was beyond his
No one would ever pick McNalley out as an ath-
lete. He was a short, slender, sallo'w complexioned
man who was just passing his fiftieth milestone. In
fact, he did not appear to be athletically inclined
in the least sense of the word. McNalley was never
seen taking any kind o'f exercise; from day to day
he worked twelve to fifteen hours in his office.
McNalley was a silk stocking expert.
Pauline: "Every time I go out with Tom he
orders me to do what General Washington com-
manded his troops on the banks of the Delaware."
Ferne: "You mean never to tell a lie?"
Pauline: "Oh, my dear, no. Come across."
There was a, moaning in the wind last night;
There wia,s a crashing as the thunder broke;
Down in a torrent poured the naked rain;
Struck by the lightning fell a nearby oak;
There was a longing in my heart last night,
As in the dark I splashed my ankles through;
Stumbling along, I thought of you, my dear,
Wishing that you were here to get soaked, too.
Heard at the Phly Hi House.
Phly Hi (to orchestra): "Play, 'We Are Phly
Frat Pledge (to orchestra): "Yah, that's a hot
one. But for Gawd's sake don't sing the words to
Phly Hi: "I'll have you men know that there
are nice words to that song."
Here's what's left
Of poor John Dicken;
Choked on the meat
Of Tavern chicken.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 13
HOW TO ACT AT HOMECOMING
(For grads only)
(On g-etting off the train, pile into tie nearest taxi,
no matter hiow full it may already be. This shows
you are democratic.
After the other passengers have gotten off, tell the
driver to stop at every corner, so as to run up the
taxi bill. ''his shows you arc a g(wod sport.
If you cannot get a: room, rent yourself a smooth
flkoor for the night.
Count off all your professors who you think are
no longer here. Ask if they are still at Missouri.
This will cheer the students, who will be pleased to
learn that profs are not immortal.
If you are fond of an occasional swig, bring your
own firewater. The stuff the bootleggers peddle
here is dangerous.. (We've tried it.)
See the State Historian so that you may lrush up
on the Tiger yells of your day. To show that you
have remembered them all these years will mark you
as intensely patriotic.
Wear old clothes if possible, as these will be
least damaged by the many pins and badges you
will have to wear.
Leave your opera glasses at home. All charms
of the local co-eds can be easily seen without 'em.
When you eat in restaurants, order a cup of coffee,
and finish your meal with provisions you brought
from home. This will stamp you as a man of great
foresight; it mnay also save you a bad case of in-
"Hip, hip, hipper, hoo-ray" is the proper cheer to
give when you watch the Homecoming Parade on
Broadway in the morning.
Bring a goodly supply of hats to the football
game, so that you may toss one skyward every time
someone makes a touchdown.
Before leaving town, turn all your pockets inside
out, to be sure that you have left all your filthy
lucre in Columbia. Etiquette demands this, so that
you may he able to tell the folks back home about
howi much money you spent.
If someone iasks you to come to Homecoming next
year, say, "Sure, old top. By the way, will you lend
me a couple of bucks, to pay my train fare home?"
Wet Benny says that a baker is the only guy who
can get a raise for loafing.
Student: "Professor, why didn't they have horses
on the Elizabethan stage?"
Professor: "Because the Elizabethan stage
wasn't a very stable affair."
Co-eds in the Library.
(An Impressionistic Ode)
Stifled mirth and hats on rack;
Frowning looks from a lady in black;
One young thing, shy as a wren;
Light bobbed hair-a-stalking- men;
Tennis shoes; Chewing gum;
Big blue eyes "Havin' fun,"
Stairway sounls of twitters and creaks,
Talking to men-gawks and freaks;
Solitary figure-all alone,
'Trying to get some studying done.
FREE SONG HITS
The Lyre Music Company, a local concern, is
distributing free copies of "Felix", the latest song
hit to all college students who make application for
it before midnight Friday Nov. 23.
This song was written by a University stewd-ent
who wishes his name withheld, and is dedicated to
the "Outlaw". We are allowed to publish a few
line of the new hit before release of publication:
Solo: "Felix is a funny cat,"
Chorus: "And we all know that well."
Solo: "But when he turns his head about,"
This Gentleman Has Yet to Learn that Kappa
Cars Are Fully Equipped with Several Sets of Snub-
14 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
FACULTY BULL SCORES ON CO-ED MYNX
ANNUAL HOMECOMING GAME
PROVES HARD FOUGHT SCRAP
Score Withheld Until Referee Henri Can
Decide Results---Coach Pity Is
Special to The Outlaw
By William Walters
Special Correspondent, The Assimilated Press
University Stadium- 11:30 a. m.---With only
thirty minutes before the opening whistle of the
annual homecoming gridiron clash between the Co-
ed Mynx and the Faculty Bull the concrete stands
were sagging under the weight of the vast multi-
tude in attendance.
The fast and crafty Mynx team trotted onto the
field and during the short practice Coach Bess Pitty,
who has been in constant touch with the players,
stated: "My team is in the best of condition and
no men can get away from our tackles."
Shortly afterward Coach Bert Tickle of the
Faculty entered at the head of his legions and fired
back: "You can't tell the faculty anything."
University Stadium- 11:59:59-A whistle and
Referee Henry Henri had called the captains to the
center of the field for the toss. As usual the Faculty
won and elected to defend the North Pole.
University Stadium-12:00 m.-The kickoff and
Running story: Rompson received Helwood's boot
on the 27 yard line and after going a few steps
stopped to powder her nose. "Deanie," as the co-ed
center is known, swum through the line with Harris
in tow 'for 8 yards. On this play Alee was out on
account of a misplaced eyebrow and Frances Rub-
hard was substituted at full. Harris tried the end
again but a penalty of 16 yards was given the Bulls
Here the Faculty held their position and the ball
went over on downs. Helmsman shot a pass to
Bedlam and Davyes was off in hot pursuit before
even seeing who the man was. Bedlam was tapped
on the 19 yard line. First down and 10 to flunk
for the Faculty.
Giddap-ye called time out for fear of ruining her
complexion. The co-eds obstinately held their
ground and the quarter ended with no scores.
Using the hop-skip-and-jump shift the Mynx,
with the beautiful assistance of Drewer carried the
ball to midfield. When asked to stop the Bull
rushes Coxwain answered "Sure I'll do it." Wrench
was evicted from the game for using a bicycle to
make his tackles with, Jonas Miles substituting.
The co-eds continued their march with Jerkem in
on everything as is her style. On the 35 yard line,
however, they were forced to try a kick which stuck
to Soapy's hands as he zig-zagged down the field.
Harris refused to tackle him for she had not been
properly introduced before the game started. Soapy
had a clear field but turned around when two yards
from the goal to assist Gently who had tripped in
her mad pursuit. Score at the hal'f '0 all.
The teams returned to the field greatly refreshed
by the tea served during the half. The Bulls re-
ceived and were unable to advance, the Co-eds didn't
get much encouragement, but continued to hammer
away without apprecikible gain. Coach Pitty called
in Rubhard and cautioned her about throwing her
arms around the men. She said that on the next of-
fense Rubhard would be removed from the game
as the coach never did trust men.
At last the fatal moment came, in mid-field the
Mynx quarter, Drewer, shot a succession of passes
to Jerkem and Davyes for healthy gains. With
his goal in danger Packard managed to pull one
down, and with the speed of his namesake, sped
down the field but Warnem, who had substituted
for Diameter, went after him. Swiftly the crafty
Mynx closed up on the runner, she had caught him,
but disdaining ai tackle started talking. Slowly the
pair proceeded toward the distant goal. Under the
crossbar they stopped and dropping the hog-skin
between them sat down on the line to talk it over.
Then the final whistle blew. The referee is still
trying to figure if it is a touchdown for the Bulls
or a touchback for the Mynxs.
Mynxs Position Bulls
Jerkam, G .........................L. E ....-.Bedlam, H. R. H.
Diameter, C. .......--..-- .....L. T. ....---.......Packard, Jawn
Gently, M ..................L. G. --............----... Soapy, Waltz
Rumford, R .......-------.......................--.....-- Dry, Canada
Giddap-ye, R ...............--R. G. .......-....... Venerable, G.
Coxwain, Allen ..-.........R. T.... ............Grouch, Iz. A.
Davyes, I. ........................R. E..............-Hawkshaw, H.
Drewer, F. .........................Q.....--....Helmsman, Cappy
Harris, W. Va. .......-........L. H.........Wrench, Monkey
Romson, R ....---..............R. H.................. Helwood, A.
Alee, Hard ......................F. B. ... .. ....... W ool, All
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 15
Questions to Be Answered by Those Visiting
1. (To be answered by both sexes and neuters).
Do you ever slumber in your bed?
2. (To be answered by patients only).
Do you have your cuticle pushed back regular-
8. (To be answered by both sexes and neuters).
Do you have ancestors? If so, did you contract
them knowingly or not? If not, why not?
4. (To be answered only by lady students. Men
please skip this.)
Would you report to us the following morning
if you had a diate with a man who took you off
into the woods and told you there wasn't any
5. (To be answered by graduate students).
Can you write all you know on a postage stamp ?
(So can we).
6. If you have been foolish enough to answer all
the above questions truthifully, you must now
form on the right and be marched to the hos-
pital, where the Shakespearian psychologist will
endeavor to see if you can tell a hawk from a
Another Bug House Fable.
Bang, bang, bang, go the paddles
As they crash in the pure mid air;
The paddles hit each other
For the freshman isn't there.
There was a, young lady named Chinn
Who sat down on a very sharp pin
She arose with a yell,
We wonder what that word could have been?
Here goes one of the Yellow Race,
The guy who held the extra ace.
Professor Dimwit as he appeared while delivering
his famous lecture, "The Beauty of the Human
ANOTHER LITERARY CRIME
A pulsating throb of drums mingles 'with the
weird, long-drawn wail of a saxophone. Straining
bodies pressed tightly together, oblivious to all
else save the proximity of perfumed flesh. Pierc-
ing the wild cacaphony, a shrieking whoop from
the drummer. The soft, rhythmic shuffling of danc-
ing feet croons languorous, intoxicating frenzy to
the blood. The dancers sway drunkenly under the
soft haze of light, their eyes wild with a nameless
passion and delight, their minds inflamed with the
barbaric pulsations of a tom-tom. Whirling in a
maze of colour they lose themselves in the gloom,
and reappear and disappear again like wraiths. Still
the insidious glamour of an impending orgy, a lust
Another college litterateur tries to describe
the dirty music the Betas had at their house dance
the other night.
"The orchestra is playing smoothly, isn't it?"
"That's because it's well oiled."-Columns.
16 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Critic No. --"Did you see 'Captain Applejack'?"
Critic No. 2-"Yes."
No. 1-"Who played the hero?"
No. 2-"I did. I sat through the whole show."
SONG OF JOURNALISTIC EXPRESSION
Our medic studes may dress like dudes;
The lawyers canes and derbies sport;
In papa's rags the husky ags
May drive their nags around the court;
While lacadems may slight the style
To rake up lucre for the ball,
And engineers like farmers dress........
The journalist must write it all!
To corner church the coeds go
Perhaps to show their bright new clothes;
And on the stage the pastors rave,
Denouncing wicked Sunday shows;
At Tuesday drill the frail cadets
In burning sun may faint and fall;
And campus booze may blind a few;
The journalist must write it all!
Some smart young thing may make all E's;
The fraters dance in reckless joy;
Our dean of women say her bit;
And sighing Susan land ai boy;
The sophs may capture frosh at night,
And paddle till the freshies bawl;
And profs may think their students dolts;
The journalist must write it all!
No matter how the lectures sound:
Whether they sparkle, drag, or pall......
We don't care what -the speakers say;
The journalist must write it all!
At Reed Hall.
The Chaperon (to the char-woman) : "I can't see
why it is that we only have to sweep the front porch
on date nights, while we have to mop the back
We love the noise
Made by girls and boys
In collegiate eating lplaces,
Where the toast and mush
Go crush, crush, crush,
In the great wide open faces.
There Was a Sound of * * * by Night.
Night. The garden was silent under the heart-
rending beauty o'f the stars. Roses whispered
amorously over the paths to shy, nodding holly-
hocks. A huge, unbelievable moon hung over the
tops of the poplars. At the end of the gravel path,
near a tossing fountain, two figures, close together.
Suddenly they blend into a composite mass of
A lowi voice breaks the silence, "Oh! Please.
Not so tight." A second voice, somewhat lower,
and a bit pleading, "But why, darling?" The fig-
ures separate a moment, then melt together. Again
the voice, "Oh, must you hold so tight?" Then
the second voice, louder, "Say, woman. How do
you expect to ever learn to hold a putter, if you
won't let me show you how to grab it? Good night!"
Helen-Don't you want your husband to be eco-
Dorcas-Yes, but it's awful to have to go out with
A traveling salesman ordered a chicken sandwich
and as he devoured the vary hammy looking sand-
wich he muttered sadly, "One thing sure, this chick-
en made a hog of itself before it died."
Diplomacy is all right-if it gets the diploma.
Fresh: "What fraternity are you looking for?"
Man: "I don't know. They are all Greek to me."
At the Awful Ganga Dumbbells' House.
Pledge: "I bought this hat to fit my head."
President: "Yes, dear, it is a nice, soft hat."
Gladys: How wonderful Mabel looks.
Alice: Why shouldn't she? She's well kept.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 17
If you play with the hearts of women,
Be they old or merely maids,
Be sure, my son, you'll regret it,
As sure as spades are spades.
You've laughed and joked with other boys
At the way you've strung them along,
Never considering the pain you've caused,
Nor thinking you've lone any wrong.
But wait! Some time you'll really'love,
And then you'll begin to pay,
For the hearts you've broken will give you no rest,
In your work, your dreams, your play.
You'll see their faces as you talked to them,
You'll see the look in their eyes,
When you spoke of love and other things;
God! But you'll hate those lies.
For the day you find yourself in love
With al girl so wondrous fair,
You'll think of the hearts you've trifled with,
And you'll begin to doubt she's square.
That day will aill come back to you,
And the question you'll ask will be:
I've fooled and played with many girls-
Do you guess she's playing with me?"
When you kiss the lips of the girl you love,
As you leave her at her door.
You'll wonder, in spite of all you can do,
If she's been kissed that way before.
For the things she does through innocence
Will set your heart to doubt,
And the minutes you spend away from her
Will tear your heartstrings out.
You'll never think she's doing right,
Though she tries-and does her best;
You'll be jea'lous of every man you see with her,
And think she's like the rest.
You'll think of the many girls you've kissed,
And the reason that this is true:
"The things that I do to another man's girl,
Another man to my girl can do."
No Commerce student ever rated an "E" getting
his banking practice on a pool table.
AT THE BETA HOUSE
National Inspector: "Why is it that nearly all of
your men have several suits which consist of trou-
sers and vests only?"
House President: "You see, sir, that is only
another example of our efforts to maintain our
purity. Like the prophet who lost his coat fleeing
from Potiphar's wife, we would rather lose our
coats than our innocence."
I'll say this for the movies,
'Though I'm no movie fiend;
They're very free from all coarse jokes
As all the jokes are screened.
Never try to get out of drill by going to the den-
English Professor: "In studying the history of
word-shifts I want you to notice that some words
seem to be connected to each other by logical se-
quence, for example: free-love, disillusionment, per-
I got fired today but I won't lose any money.
I had fire insurance.
18 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Have you never rushed through the foeman's line
While the stands went wild with glee?
Have you never planted the pigskin firm
Past the goal of the enemy?
Have you never laid on the frosty ground
Underneath the football teams
For a year, it seemed, till they all piled off,
And you saw that the sun still beams?
Have you never played with a broken leg
So your side could win the fight?
Have you never darted around left end,
Or maybe, say, 'round the right?
Did you ever crush through a center rush;
Did you, when the game was done,
Smile cheerfully though your skull was cracked.
For you knew that your school had won?
"You say that you haven't? Case dismissed!
Your mind is sound," said the alienist.
At Miss Hefty Graynab's Boarding House.
Miss Hefty (to waiter): "Have you sanded the
Miss Graynab: "And watered the milk."
Miss G.: "Very well then; you may say your
Freshmen: Become popular: take a date to the
WHY GIRLS LEAVE HOME
Sally was a good girl down home in Punkin Cor-
ner. She came from a home where there were "God
Bless Our Home" and "Papa Love Mama" mottos
on the walls. Naturally, a girl raised in such an
environment could not be expected to recognize
the Devil when he appeared in the guise of a Travel-
ing Salesman 'from Kansas City.
It was the night before Christmas-Christmas
Eve to be exact-when he came to that small town
of Sally's. As unmarried men who are single and
hungry go to restaurants to eat and to chide the
poor working girls; so he crossed the street to
Punkin Corner's eating emporium. Sally, demure
little girl that she was, came up to wait on him.
He glanced over her with the eye of a connoisseur,
noting the rustic beauty of her figure. He was in-
terested and made her promise to allow him to come
out that evening. "But papa and mama won't be
home," she said. "So much the better," he growled.
So it came to pass that at eight he was there.
Sally was a-flutter. Her dream had been realized.
A man from the city had come to see her. She
met him at the door. He whispered a few im-
passioned words in her ear. She repulsed him, but
devil that he was, he would not be denied. He
pressed closer following up his slight advantage.
"Come," he said, "come to the city with me. Life
will be pleasant and I will pay you well."
"Wait," she said and, dashing up the stairs, she
grabbed her small bag. In a twinkling she was
At the station the old grey-haired agent sadly
shook his locks as he slaw them go.
The train whistle blew and she was gone. Gone
to get a job as model in Humpeldinck's department
store in the big city.
The old grads are coming, the old grads are coming;
In new suits and old ones, with shy girls and bold
They march to the Homecoming fray!
There's bankers and butchers, and teachers and
Conductors, abductors, deductors; and pops
Who march to a rattle and babyish'prattle;
There's some deal in cattle and crops;
The band strikes a rumble, and then plays a tune!
Which Grads from Mizzou don't forget very soon;
With strumming and drumming the old grads are
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
AS YOU LIKE IT
By. B. B. B.
Dear Girls from Stephens: The Outlaw staff is
very sorry that some of you were offended by a
verse ,we published in the "High Life" number.
The verse wlas meant to be a joke and we hoped
that it would be taken in that light. The staff
wants every student in Columbia to be a reader of
the Outlaw. The editor has promised me that he
will give at least a page in the next number to jokes
and cartoons from Stephen's College, and another
page to the girls from Christian, making it possible
for girls from these colleges to be on the staff. Any
information in regard to this may be had by writ-
Big Bad Bill, c/o The Outlaw.
Dear Visitors: The Outlaw staff welcomes you
to Tiger land. We will all have a big time the next
few days and we hope that the old grads will be
pleased with the waiy w.e are throwing the line. We
would welcome you to the Outlaw den but our
steam heating plant is closed for repairs. In case
you do want to hold a reunion in the den we might
be able to put some extra "True Confessions" and
"Whiz Bangs" on the shelf until the place thaws
out. If "The Pail" were like the talks given to
the Sunday School class which prints it we would
only need one copy to keep the place warm.
Yours for a happy roundup,
Big Bad Bill
Two half pints make a whole-especially when
you have to pay for them yourself.
Visitor-"They tell me you hold the course rec-
ord here. You never told me you played golf."
She-"Oh- they didn't mean golf."
Hot water bottles aren't the only kind that keep
Straight in front of Dr. Burner-
Sat a pretty Senorita.
(She was dumb in Espanola,
But was wise in other things).
Poor was her pronunciations-
Alla' her verbs were deviations.
(Yet in the school of syncopation
She could rate an Al grade)
She was always quite mistaken,-
In her verbs and sentence makings.
(She could set a prof a thinking
'bout more things than Espanol.)
Quizzes she was always flunkin'-
Lessons to her all were bunk, and
(She was really good for something.
tho' it wasn't Espanol).
The day before examination-
She ask me a foolish question.
(Would I fix a declination,
of the little word beso?)
DID I HELP HER?
20 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
James H. Nash, CHAIRMAN
BUSINESS MANAGER EDITOR ADVERTISING MANAGER
Erie H. Sherman Charles E. Chapel Pauline Stoner
ASSISTANT EDITORS CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS
S. Wolfe Eichel Charles Burgess Kenneth Lankford Dale Beronius
J. T. Hightower Warren Kraus
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS ADVERTISING ASSISTANTS
-lenry Lapidus David M. Flournoy George Hamilton John McMullan
A. L. Finestone A. Bruce Donegan Wesley K. Nash
SERVICE DEPARTMENT CIRCULATION MANAGER
K. M. Gentry James Hamilton
COVER ARTIST COLLECTION MANAGER
Eugene C. Beal A. C. Reed
THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year. Subscription price for the full year is
$1.50. Office situated at the corner of Conley and Gentry Avenues. Address all communication to THE
OUTLAW, Columbia, Missouri.
Copyright, 1925, by THE OUTLAW. Contents of this magazine must not be reprinted.
VOLUME II NOVEMBER, 1925. NUMBER II
O. O. McINTYRE THE OUTLAW'S GODFATHER NEW YORK CITY
A GRINNING SKULL PUBLICATION
It is both fitting and proper at this time of the year to make some remarks about Home-
coming and the spirits of the old graduates of Missouri. Perhaps if we say a great deal
about Homecoming and a very little about spirits we will please more readers. Some of the
old graduates will drink to Alma Mater only with their eyes. Others will not.
If you believe in long editorials in would-be-humorous magazines we suggest that you
write a long editorial, address it to the Editor, and then tear it up. You will have pleased
yourself and saved our three thousand readers from boredom.
The Outlaw joyously thanks the following for their contributions to this issue: W. H. Jack, Frances
Chinn, Matilda Janes, Ann Schneider, R. A. Randolph, W. C. Ilfeld, R. L. Schmidt, and E. R. Care.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Whitman's Famous Candies
are sold by
PECK DRUG COMPANY
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Other Campus Comedy
If she is sensible and sane
'Tis said, with look of high disdain,
'She's quite impossible, it's plain
If she's a. maiden with a past
The better people stand aghast-
'She's going to the dogs so fast,
Won't someone with a master mind
Inspire me, so that I may find
Which of the types of womankind
To be? -Vassar Vagabond
Judge: You say you were not doing anything
wrong when you were arrested?
Rastus: No, sah, Ah was wailking down the street
when dis Irish cop hit me on the head just 'cause Ah
was a'whistlin' "Ireland must be hebben 'cause mah
mudder came from dere."-Mirror.
She took me in the bedroom
And laid me on the bed,
"Just a wee bit tight,"
Was all her mother said.
And now I'm at the party
Holding her still tight,
'Cause I'm the pretty formal
She tried on last night.
AN ALARMING IDEA
Aunt Hilda, after a brief survey of the college
comic, looked up at her nephew with a horrified
expression of wonder.
"Aren't you afraid," she asked, "that young ladies
will read these papers?"
-Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern.
She sat on the hill at eventide
Deserted by woman and man
She said over and over
"I'll never eat onions again."
-C. C. N. Y. Mercury
He-Doing anything special right now, girlie?
She-Yes, getting ready to call a cop.
He-The cop on this beat is awfully fat-you
could have a better time with me.-Jack o'Lantern.
I'd rather take a good drink of whiskey than
smoke a cigarette," said the old lady emphatically
to a co-ed who was puffing away at a Chesterfield.
"Gosh, who wouldn't?" replied the modern col-
lege girl.-Minn. Ski-U-Mah.
"How was Vera dressed at the party last night?"
"I forgot, but I do remember that her dress was
"Say, what kind of a dance was that?'-Burr.
Here lies John Thirsty McSly,
He thought he could shoot with quicker eye
Than the blue-coated guy.
-Black and Blue Jay.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Western Electric Company
24 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Valet Cleaning Co.
4!1 Cab Co.
Victor Barth Clothing Co.
Herald-Statesman Publishing Co.
Parker Furniture Co.
John N. Taylor
Boone County Automobile Co.
S & B Clothing Co.
Oak Barber Shop
Recreation Barber Shop
Tiger Cab Co.
Whitman Candy Co.
General Electric Co.
American Student Publishers
Western Electric Co.
Demuth Pipe Co.
Collegiate Special Adv. Agency
Roy Barnhill, Inc.
Intercollegiate Adv. Agency.
A certain young freshman named Sapp
Started out to make FI BETTIE KAPP.
But cards, dice and whiskey
Made up parties too frisky,
And his chances were not worth a rap.
"You say old Snoodles is doing much to build up
his Alma Mater?"
"Yes. He's a bricklayer."
Try This on Your Prof.
He sat on a chair,
Then jumped in the air,
For he didn't notice
A tack that was there.
I've seen all kinds of likker,
And I've had it where I've been,
But I never heard of anyone
Who could drink a cotton gin.
Best friend, on hearing the glad news from his
chum, "Congratulations old man whose fault was
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 25
Fussy passenger (aboard ship)-"Doesn't this
boat tip a lot, steward ?"
Steward-"Yes, she's setting a good example for
the passengers. Thank you, sir."
You can talk about the larvae, but the pancakies
really make the butterfly.
"I think you are stringing me," said the convict
as the warden led him to the scaffold.
"I'm getting a line on this bird," said the student
as he lassoed the, ostrich.
"We're off on a toot," said the conductor, as the
train whistled and pulled out of the station.
SIX FOR ONE
Yes sir, we will give you six issues of
the OUTLAW for one dollar. Do
you want to take advantage of this won-
derful offer to save four bits?
Our Christmas number is going to
be a knockout, and our Take Off num-
ber in January, is to be red hot. The
cover has been drawn by Mr. Dale
Beronius of the Kansas City Star, and
he certainly does know how to throw
a mean pen.
Our exchange number will appear
soon after this and will contain the
best of other campus comedy.
We are thinking of a College Num-
ber dedicated to the college girls of
Columbia. What could be sweeter?
Do not put off until tomorrow what
you can do today. Clip the coupon be-
low and mail to the Business Manager.
I should say I do want the remaining
issues of the "OUTLAW."
Here is my dollar and you can send,
the copies to-
N am e ...... .. .............................................
S tate ..............................................................
Street N um ber ............. . .........................
26 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
She: How did the party end?
He: I went on the wagon.
He: No police.
For Sale-One baby carriage.
Reason for selling-Going out of business.
She: Why do college nen kiss the way they
He: I'll bite.
She: Oh, then you're just like all the rest.
A stout woman drove up to a filling- station.
"I want two quarts of oil," she said.
"What kind, heavy?"
"Say, young man, don't get fresh with me,"
was the indignant response.
Peggy: Is Dot wild?
Billy: well, she played strip poker the other
day with a one-piece bathing suit on.-Bison.
TIGER CAB CO.
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING 27
ON THE TELEPHONE
Dick: Hello, I won't be able to come over to-
Ethel: Oh hello, you're frank.
Dick: No, Damn it. I'm your little Bill!
"Seems to me that Salome's (dance lacked origi-
"It was just a take-off from beginning to finish."
What do you do when you're kissed ?"
"Well, will you yell if I kiss you ?"
"Hu-uh. I'm still hoarse from last night."
He-" Let's sit out this dance. I have a game
She-"Well,-er,-just how- game?"
-Black and Blue Jay
RECREATION BARBER SHOP
28 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
SO'S YOUR OLD MAN.
"Now little Oofty-goofty, do you believe there's
"No, Jethro. It's like Santy Claus and the Stork.
It's only father.-Brown Jug.
Bible-"Why did Moses take the tablets?"
Daze-"He had a headache."-Panther.
The Handy Hut
BOONE COUNTY NATIONAL BANK
BOONE COUNTY AUTOMOBILE COMPANY
THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
THE EXTRA-ORDINARY TALE OF HERSHEL DEWEIS
Hershel DeWeis was no ordinary fellow.. From
his first day at old Yaprince his life had been one
of triumphs. It was true that he had come to col-
lege an uncouth and unshaved lad, but he had
rapidly developed-he was alert-he had studied--
he had trained-and he was no longer Hershel De-
Weis, the boy-but he was now Hershel DeWeis,
Hershel had great faith in himself. He was in
perfect physical condition, and he knew it. Many
weeks on the cinder track and in the apparatus
room had produced a physical fitness not uncommon
to many great athletes. He knew that if he were
called on to make a run, he would not become ex-
hausted before the play was completed.
Finally the day of the great struggle arrived.
Promptly at two o'clock the players arrived at the
enclosure, and in the midst of them was no other
than our friend-Hershel DeWeis.
They were greeted by ovation after ovation. Fif-
teen minutes later lulled had become the shouts that
had recently been heard. There was a tense silence.
Suddenly a sharp, clear noise was to be heard-al-
most instantaneously a number of human beings
"Give it to DeWeis"-cried a voice.
"Let DeWeis carry it," another spectator fran-
Suddenly one of the players gave the signal-
there was another moment of tense waiting. Before
the spectators came ot a full realization of what was
happening, DeWeis was off on a great run-and
what a run it was!-the spectators stood aghast-
Hershel was releasing his pent-up energy-another
run-and still another.
Finally DeWeis grew weary. He ceased his
An old grad who had hither-to been silent stood
up, rubbed his eyes, moistened his lips and growled,
"Why don't they let DeWeis carry the Cadenza-
the rest of the orchestra is punk-bedammed if
you'll ever catch me at another tea dance."
I took my girl to the senior prom
'Cause she couldn't go alone.
And it's damn' lucky that I did,
For 'twas her who brought me home.
"There was a young man from
S and B Clo. Co the West,
Who proposed to the girl he Shop
So close did he press her
To make her say, 'Yes Sir,'
He broke two cigars in his vest."
30 THE OUTLAW for HOMECOMING
Do You Know "How to Study"
The Students' Hand-Book of Practical Hints on
the Technique of Effective Study
WILLIAM ALLEN BROOKS
A GUIDE containing hundreds of practical
hints and short cuts in the economy of learning,
to assist students in securing MAXIMUM RE-
SULTS at a minimum cost of time, energy, and
ESPECIALLY RECOMMENDED for over-
worked students and athletes engaged in extra
curriculum activities and for average and honor
students who are working for high scholastic
Some of the Topics Covered
Scientific Shortcuts in Effective Study.
Preparing for Examinations.
Writing Good Examinations.
Brain and Digestion in Relation to Study.
How to Take Lecture and Reading Notes.
Advantages and Disadvantages of Cramming.
The Athlete and His Studies.
Diet During Athletic Training.
How to Study Modern Languages.
How to Study Science, Literature, etc.
Why Go to College?
After College, What?
Developing Concentration and Efficiency.
etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.,
Why You Need This Guide
"It is safe to say that often a chastisement, a
failure is the weak flagellation, and an in-
point in the whole edu- surperable obstacle to
cation al machine." contentment." Prof. A.
Prof. G. M. Whipple, Inglish, Harvard.
U. of Michigan. "Academic psychol-
"The successful men ogy with its highly pro-
in college do not seem ductive resources glad-
to be very happy. Most ly owes to these (stu-
of them, especially the dents) the obligation of
athletes, are overwork- giving all it can to
ed." Prof. H. S. Canby, make this learning pro-
Yale. cess easier, more pleas-
"Misdirected labor, ant, and in all ways
though honest and well more productive." Prof.
intentioned may lead to G. V. N. Dearborn.
naught. Among the "HOW TO STUDY"
most important things will show you how to
for the student to learn avoid all misdirected ef-
is how to study. With- fort.
out a knowledge of this
labor may be largely in Get a good start and
vain." Prof. G. F. make this year a highly
Swain, M. I. T. successful, one by send-
"To students who ing for this hand-book,
have never learned how guide, companion, and
to study, work is very adviser, NOW.
You Need This Intelligent
AMERICAN STUDENT PUBLISHERS,
22 West 43rd St., New York.
Please send me a copy of "How to
and Mail Study" for which I enclose $1.00 cash;
Name ............... ...........................................
Today Address .............. ........................................
Friday, November 13
5:30 p. m.-M Men's Dinner at Y. M. (C. A.
5:30 p. m.-Past Student Presidents' dinner at Harris'
7:15 p. m.-Mass meeting on Rollins Field.
8:30 p. m.-Blowing of taps from Memorial Tower.
9:00 p. m.-Frolic at Rothwell Gymnasium.
9:00 p. m .-nformal Mixer at Women's Gymnasium.
Saturday, November 14
7:30 a. m.-Breakfasts to be given by Mortar Board
at the Corner Tea Room, by Q. E. B. H. at
the Corner Tea Room and by Mystical
Seven at Harris.'
9:00 a. m.-Alumni meetings at respective schools.
11:00 a. m.-1925 Homecoming Parade.
2:00 p. m.-Missouri-Oklahoma game on Rollins
5:00 p. m.-Reception given to visiting women by the
Women's Self Government Association
at Women's Gymnasium.
You're on the Bench
The Verdict Is to Buy the
The World's Finest College Annual
Special Alumni Honor Section a New Feature
The twenty Old Grads who, in the opinion of the
Committee on Selections, have gained the greatest
amount of recognition and fame, will be presented
in the Alumni Honor Section.
Buy from Solicitors or at Booths