The Outlaw February, 1926 The Outlaw February, 1926 2008 1926/02 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show192602

The Outlaw February, 1926; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1926

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The Outlaw Exchange Number [COVER FROM DODO] HERALD - STATESMAN Buchroeder Jewelry Company Parsons Sisters' Beauty Parlor Mennen Shaving Cream ANHEUSER-BUSCH ST.LOUIS 4 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER GOLDMAN'S Jimmie's College Inn Cafe "Do you file your finger nails?" "No, I throw them away after cutting them off." -Michigan Gargoyle College Humor GENERAL ELECTRIC The starry night has a thousand eyes, The time worn saying goes; I wish that it went on to say Just why, each night, in my Ford coupe You have a thousand no's. -Penn State Froth THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 7 Walk and Save "Pa, what's a pedestrian?" "The owner of a second hand automobile." -Drexerd. The Pessimist He flunked in Latin, he flunked in Chem, They heard him hoarsely hiss, "I'd like to get the guy who said That ignorance is bliss.' " -Burr Willie: There's something going on around that will interest you- Tillie: Well, be careful then, there are some pins in my waist." -Burr. Caught in the Act "I almost had a fraternity pin last night." "And did you refuse him?" "Quite on the contrary; he caught me taking it." -Medley. Hooray! "Send more money immediately, I'm broke," wired the son at college. "So's your old man," was the reply. -Juggler. "Her name was Prudence but you couldn't tell it by her actions."-Bean Pot. My roommate and I were walking down the street. We passed a sign that said, "Fords for Rent." "That sign is very elevating," said my roommate. "Why?" said I. "Because it inspires me to hire things," said my roommate.-Octopus. Might's Well Taxi Driver: $15.75. Victim: All right, just put her in the garage. -The Log. He Had a Sister "I told Tom that the average woman's clothing only weighs eight ounces." "And what did he say?" "He thought it was a shame they had to wear such heavy shoes." -Princeton Tiger. THE WILD AND WOOLY WEST -Oklahoma Whirlwind Cups Scoffee Damsel: I smelled onions on Bill's breath last night. Damsell: Naturally, he's one of those Greek fra- ternity boys. -Buccaneer. News Poem The boy stood on the railroad track, The train was coming fast. The boy stepped off the railroad track, We are glad to state there was no accident. -Dirge (Washington.) Bo: Say, that dress your girl wore was rare.' Zo: "Rare! Say, it was nearly extinct!" -Exchange. No. 165501 (jumping up in rage after the prison movie show)-Dammit, a serial, and I'm to be hung next week.-Denver Parrakeet. 8 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER HOT ON THE TRAIL -Iowa Frivol Cherchez homme Maiden Aunt: Now, Oswald, you must eat your oatmeal or you'll never be a man! Oswald: Aunty, is that why you eat yours? -Brown Jug. We know a freshman who is so dumb, he thinks a pole vault is the place where they keep dead pol- lacks. Grandmother-Johnny, I wouldn't slide down those stairs! Little Boy-Wouldn't? Hell, you couldn't! - Lafayette Lyyre. Jo: Was I stewed last night? Bo: Was you-say, when I saw you last night you had just dropped a penny in a mail box outside the Woolworth building and was looking at the top to see how much you weighed. -Iowa Frivol "I say, Hydrocephalus, get your mind out of the gutter !" "No, Clepshydra, I refuse to curb my mentality." -Yale Record He-I've been writing my thesis. She-You brute. You said I was the only girl you ever wrote to.-Stevens Tech Stone Mill. "This floor is terrlbly crowded," said the gasping man as he blew his handkerchief on somebody else's nose.-Jack-o-Lantern. Whirlwind The bargain sale was opened, The goods were sold at cost, Fire destroyed the shoe department, And a thousand soles were lost. "You're writing your themes with red ink now, I see." "Naw, this is just one that the prof looked at." -Chaparral Cop on shore-I'm going to arrest you when you come out of here. Man in the water-Ha, Ha! I'm not coming out. I'm committing suicide. -Nebraska Awgwan. Prof: "Without a doubt this particular section is the dryest in the United States." Sleepy Voice from the Rear: "Uh huh!" -Gargoyle Wife-Im sick of being married. Hubby-So's your old man. -Judge THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER Now pass the powder puff around, Nor pass a sister by. We all dip from the same dorine In our Alfalfa Phi. Oh, you and I will ne'er grow old While cosmetics are nigh, There's rouge and paint To make what ain't Of each Alfalfa Phi. --Purple Parrot Little Boy Blue Go get your ma, 'The maid's in the barn And so's your old man. -Penn. State Froth. True to the Faith. Little Isador Shapiro rushed into the grocery store. Banging a dime down on the counter he panted: "Gimme for ten cents animal crackers. Take out the pigs." -Farm Life SOME PEOPLE'S IDEA OF A HOT TIME -Northwestern Purple Parrot "What was that noise?" "A fellow with balloon trousers sat down on a tack." -Iowa Frivol "What is the penalty for bigamy?" "Two mothers-in-law." -West Point Pointer Charlie-"Where does that dumbell live?" Hoss-"Pittsburgh." Charlie-"Serves him right." -Penn. State Froth. Reporter: I'm covering the Sons of Levi ban- quet. Is this where it is? Waiter: This is it. Reporter: But I don't see anyone. Waiter: Oh, somebody just dropped a dime in the lobby. -Exchange She: "Do you college boys waste much time?" He: "Oh, no, most girls are reasonable." -Princeton Tiger "If your father is operated on for appendicitis, what does the doctor do?" "Sews your old man." -Colorado Dodo The campus Frosh who just returned from the East wondered if the large amount of slickers worn at Wisconsin could be called a Yellow Peril. -Arizona Kittykat 10 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER Old Thing: "I'll have the next dance if you don't mind." Young Thing: "Gracious, I'll be good." -Yale Record Long Neck. Egbert-"Where did you get that powder on your shoulder ?" Chester-"In the battle of Lapland, old fellah." -Penn. State Froth. Recently, a last year's graduate who has carried on a hardware business since graduation, got mar- ried. The next day he hung out a sign: "Under New Management." -West Point Pointer "Know anything about the Cunard line?" "No, I've never been out with him." -Colorado Dodo Teacher: "Where is Edinburgh, my boy?" Boy: "In Scotland." Teacher: "And what makes you think that?" Boy: "Playin' in the cellar." -Princeton Tiger All: "What becomes of all these love triangles ?" Jake: "Most of them turn into wrecktangles." -Flamingo A Knightly Occurrence. I loaned a girl the armour That in our hall we park, To wear to a fancy costume ball As martyred Joan of Arc. Although she took another man And he was quite a bounder, I didn't give one little damn, For she hiad my armour 'round her. -Wisconsin Octupus. "Why do they all go to Paris for divorces?" "Well, isn't French the language of romance?" -California Pelican Hubby (on phone) : "Sorry honey, I'll be awfully busy at the office and can't get home till late." Wifey: "Can I depend on that?" -Whirlwind Father(coming unexpectedly to his son's frat house)-"Does Mr. Brown live here?" Senior-"Yes, bring him in." -Tennessee Mugwump. THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 11 Abie: "Vadder, you dropped a penny." Papa: "Let it go, son, somevun might tink ve is Chews if you pick it up l" -V.M.I. Sniper Who was that lady I seen you with last night? So's your Aunt Emma Who was that lady I seen you walking down the street with last night? That wasn't last night; that was the night be- fore. Who was that lady I seen you walking down the street with last night? That wasn't no street; that was an alley. Who was that gent I seen you with last night? That wasn't no gent; that was my History prof. Who was that lady I seen you with last night? That wasn't no lady; that was a Pi Phi. Who was that lady I seen you with last night? Must have been two other fellows! -Colorado Dodo Fond Mother: You must grow up to be good. Don't you want to be looked up to? Ima Campusgirl: No, I'd rather be looked around at. -Colorado Dodo Dollars and Cents. Josephine was the pretty daughter of a poor gar- bage collector, and Jack loved her. Anna was the homely daughter of a wealthy perfume manufac- turer, and Jack hated her. Nevertheless, he mar- ried Ann. What a whale of a difference a few cents make. -Southern California Wampus He was so dumb he got cross-eyed looking for Beta Theta Pi on the menu of a Greek restaurant. -Exchange Kaydet: "The stars say you love me." Femme: "Gee, it must be getting Sirius!" -West Point Pointer 1st Gold Digger: "Say, you know the dinner check those two blokes had to pay tonight was nine- teen dollars and ten cents." 2nd Gold Digger: "Well, they ought not to have ordered those two bars of chocolate for themselves." -V.M.I. Sniper THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER "What's around here in the way of a good party tonight?" "The Dean of Men." -Iowa Frivol Pretty Thing (lost in the big city) : "Oh, sir- won't you-won't you take me home?" Young Man: "Madam, I'd love to-but I can't. I live at the Y.M.C.A. -Arizona Kittykat Advice to the Lovelorn Young Bride-"My husband has a habit of com- ing home half baked. What shall I do?" Answer-Use the rolling pin. -Penn. State Froth. He: "I just saw a friend trying to neck your girl." Hebrew: "Veil, did he succeed?" He: "Nope." Heb.: "You must be mistaken; it couldn't have been my girl." -Arizona Kitty Kat Jena: "Doris is awfully bashful." Dotski: "Is zat so?" Jena: "Ya. While at the mountains last sum- mer, she always kept her curtain down, because she saw a mountain peak." -West Point Pointer "Do you like Hamlet productions?" "No, I never did like these small town com- panies." -Brown Jug THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 13 JANU AIRY CO-ED -Iowa Cornell Ollapod One: "It sure was an exclusive affair. Cost twenty-five smacks a plate." T'other: "Exclusive? I'd call that elimination." -California Pelican He Knew A sophomore's exam paper states that three ways of conducting heat are conduction, confection, and affection. -Drexerd Krazy Krack Songs "Have you heard the Asthma song?" "Yes, sir, Asthma baby !" -Judge Handicapped "They told me to be a Phi Delt, I had to drink a quart of whisky and moo, like a cow." "Well' what seems to be the trouble?" "I can't m-moo." -Medley. Tea Room la "He took civil engineering because his mamma wanted him to always be polite." -Drexerd. Synonyms Are you a college man? No, a horse kicked me. Are you a college man ? No, my hair is naturally curly. Is he a college man? No, he's been sick. Are you a college man? No, I couldn't find my garters. Is lie a fraternity man? No, lie wears his own clothes. Is he a college man? No, he's a night watchman. Is he a fraternity man? No, he drinks his own liquor. -Dodo. No, Gertrood, a slide rule has nothing to do with lessons on a trombone. -Penn. State Froth. "Did that millionaire grandfather of yours re- member you when he made his will ?" "He must have-he left me out." -Tiger 14 THE OUTLAW--EXCHANGE NUMBER YOU'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT FOR GRANTED THAT "SHE WEARS THEM" -Southern California Wampus "I told my girl just what I thought of her after the Prom." "What did she say?" " 'I love you, too.' "-Widow. "I'm sorry I married you," sobbed the bride. "You ought to be," he replied. "You cheated some other girl out of a mighty fine husband."- Bison. Wife: "Wake up, John. I hear a burglar down stairs !" John: "Aw, why don't you run downstairs in your pajamas and scare him?"-Lyre. She-"George is mine." Her-"Yeah, your gold mine." -Penn. State Froth. Revealing. "Why do you wear such low-necked gowns?" "Oh, just to show my heart's in the right place." -Penn. State Froth. "Do you file your finger nails?" "No, I just throw them away after I cut 'em off." -Gargoyle "Did you know that a negro and a ton of coal are the same thing?" "No? I guess because they are both black?" "That isn't it at all. I can prove it." "No?" "You'll admit that a ton of coal is a weight?" "Guess so." "And a wait is a pause?' "Yea." "And a pause is a short-stop?" "Uh-huh." "A short-stop .is a ball player?" "That's so." "And a ball player is a foul catcher?" "Not always, but I see light." "And a fowl catcher is a nigger." -Northwestern Purple Parrot Freshman :-"Where do jail-birds come from?" Soph-"They are raised from larks, bats, and1 swallows." -Voo Doo She: "I hear that letter postage is going up t, three cents." He: "Yes?" She: "I'm going to lay in a goodly store of two cent stamps.' -Vagabond Wife: "Sheep are the dumbest animals." Husband: "Yes, my lamb." -Mirror "I hear they convicted that man who shot the co-ed over in Chapel Hill." "Yes, the idiot persisted in claiming it was an accident." -N. Carolina Buccaneer Ruby: Do you know' Anna Jones? Red: Well, I've kissed her occasionally at dances, but I don't know her well enough to take my hat off to her.-Bear Skin. Hard: There was a, big fire at the postoffice last night. Boiled: My girl down at Smith College must have sent me another letter. -Washington Dirge THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 15 "Are you a good judge of distance?" "Well, I was once a Boy Scout?" "How far does a petting party really go?" -Cornell Widow 16 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER "I thought it was too expensive to join a frat; didn't you?" "Yes. I didn't get a bid either." -Brown Jug In the spring a young man's fancy Makes him amorous and bold: In the spring he's wild and prancy, Full of pep, and hard to hold. In the spring with secret laughter, Some frail flapper sets her snare; And the spring to him thereafter Means just lighter underwear. -Northwestern Purple Parrot "Women bore me to tears." "Ain't it the truth? I can't get a date either." -Gargoyle "Do I bore you?" said the mosquito as he sank a half-inch shaft into the man's leg." "Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How does that strike you?" -Western Betsy Ross-"I call my husband 'twinkle, little star.' " Mad Anthony-"Why, because he's constant?" Betsy Ross-"No, because I wonder where he is." -Tiger. Bill: "That letter I got from Dolly the other day was full of bugs." Casper: "Dead?" B-: "No alive." Cas-: "But how did they live in the letter?" B-: "On mush." -West Point Poniter The new father-of-triplets blues-"Yes sir, Them's My Babies." -Penn. State Froth. I bought my girl a pair of garters In the five and ten. She gave them to her mother; That's the last I'll see of them. -Exchange THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 17 "How do they get clean after a game?" "What do you suppose the scrub team is for?"- Witt. Prof. Beaver (in Biology) : "When do the leaves begin to turn?" Hartenstein: "The night before exams."-Witt. "Niggah, if you wuz a quart of whisky, I'd kill you." "Polished Carbon, if I wuz that quart of bootleg, I'd get you from the inside."-Wampus. First femme: "Do you like West Pointers?" Second one: "Oh yes, but I'd rather have a Poodle." -West Point Pointer Phil-"Do you like my moustache?" Phyllis-"Between you and me, no."-Ski-U-Mah "I hear that your brother is a good swiimer." "Well, he ought to be. He knows the best dives in town." -Penn. State Froth. Young Lady-"I'm having trouble with my car. Have you got a spare plug?" Farmer-"Sorry, miss, I don't chaw, but I got an old cigar you kin have."-Chanticleer. Big sister: "What would you say, Alice, dear, if I told you I was going to marry Mr. Snoodle?" Alice: "Oh, so that's why father was cleaning his shotgun yesterday !"-Yale Record. She: "Are you a track man?" "He : "Say girlie, you should see the callouses on my chest just from breaking tapes!"-Lyre. Housewife: The eggs you sent this morning were rotten. Grocer: That's too bad. [Housewife: No, the whole dozen.-Texas Ranger. You've been going fifty miles an hour! If you think that's fast, you ought to see me when I'm parked.-Virginia Reel. Atta-boy, Sonny. "Ma, what did the doctor charge when he brought me?" "PIlenty, son." "Well, I don't think you got stung any."-Dirge "Where are you going, son?" "(oing to the circus, father." "Where did you get the money?" "Mother gave me a quarter for telling her I saw you kissing the maid." "Here's half a dollar, son; go back and tell her what an awful liar you are."-Voo Doo. "What the decue is that?" "I don't know unless it is an economics professor." -Brown Jug 18 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER Georgette-"There must be a rip in the back of my dress." George-"There is, but how did you find out?" Georgette-"Your eyes told me sew." -Penn. State Froth. "What did we learn from the attack on the Darda- nelles?" "That a straight beats four kings."-Witt. Flapper-"I wonder where all the men are who can dance?" Slapper-"In dancing with all the girls who can dance, I guess."-Nebraska Awgwan. Jack-"They say that a student should have eight hours sleep a day." Mach-"True, but who want to take eight classe·s a day."-Notre Dame Juggler. "Say, Diogenes, why the lantern?" "1 never trust these Greek women in the dark." -N. Y. U. Medley. Fellow-"Say, little girl, are you a college girl?" Chorus Girl-"Sir, how dare you?" -Beanpot. "Should evening dresses ever be worn to bridge parties ?" "No. In playing cards it is only necessary to show your hand." -Punxsutawney Cackle Architectural Drawing Prof. (explaining a plan): "Here is a stairway, and here you have a recess-" Students (in a chorus): "Good! Who's got a cigarette ?" -Arizona Kittykat -Iowa Cornell Ollapod. THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 19 An Ill Wind- Ike: When I die I don't want to go to heaven. Jake: Vy not? Ike: Business is all gone to hell.-Orange Owl. Fashion Hint WHAT the Well Dressed Woman Will Bare. -Lord Jeff. Applicant: "How much do I get for doing the weeping act in this show?" Manager: "T'hirty-five cents an hour." Applicant: "What! For crying out loud!" -Royal Gaboon. To The Colors! Egeria: Do you ever gambol on the green? Letitia: Well. I bet a nickel on Dartmouth once. -- Purple Cow "You're the first man who ever kissed me." "1 believe you dear." )Oh, you're the first one who would believe it, too." -Royal Gaboon. A girl's kisses are like pickles in a bottle-the first is hard to get but the rest come easy. -Passing Show (London) "TLhis orange is tough," said the souse, trying to peel a tennis ball. -Chanticleer. "Take your gal out to dinner last night?" "Yep." Satiate? "Bo, I'll 'satiate' " -Pointer "Do you know when the first necking party wlas?" "No!" "When Eve bit Adam's apple." -California Pelican "Why did you make a date with Madge?" "Becaues I wanted to!" "Wanted to what?" -Owl He-"I love you." She-"Is this a proposal, promise, insinuation, threat, command, hint, expostulation, inquiry, or just the first line to another of those antique jokes?" -Penn. State Froth. Hostess: Emma, did you make this soup? Maid: No mum, but I must admit I had a hand in it. -Michigan Gargoyle Qualified. Judge-Are you old enough to sign these papers? Are you an. adult? Mose-Yessah! Ah's the mos' adulterous person in the whole fambly, jedge.-Virginia Reel. Another Scotch One. Mal-"When did swimming become a national sport in Scotland?" Bal-"Hurry it along." Mal-"When they erected toll bridges." -Bear Skin. Professor (in auditorium)-This examination will be conducted on the Honor System. Please take seats three apart and in alternate rows." -Rammer-Jammer. Am I the first girl you ever loved ? Oh, no, but you see my taste has been improving right along.-Minnesota Ski-U-Mah. "Mary's acid retort almost blew up the Chem. lab. today." "Gosh, she must have a devil of a temper!" -Barnard Barnacle. "Didja get out and walk?" "No, the mean thing threw my galoshes out of the car when I wasn't lookin." -California Pelican CAMPUS QUEENS For various reasons the Outlaw, himself, wishes to announce that we are unable to pub- lish the photograph and lineage of the Cam- pus Queen in this number as we promised last month. We fully expect to publish the photo- graph of the Campus Queen and snapshots of her hand maidens. The contest was conducted as we announced in advance; staff members were barred from voting and the candidates had every right to either vote for themselves or for their friends in rival boarding houses. Cinderella's slipper did not fit the foot of any of her false sisters; only snobs need feel of- fended if they were nominated. The majority of candidates took the contest in the same spirit as did the men when they were running for Campus King. 20 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER You may not believe it, but this is King George, himself. Spring gives the King that feeling of good-fellowship and desire for votes. Here we see him playing marbles with a couple of urchins. Following Royalty, the Nation will take up Marble-Shooting this year. The statue in the background is either Lord Nelson or Babe Ruth, we forget w'hich. The gentleman with the fur under his naso-spinale is none other than Bertie Twiggenbothan in 'his collapsible knickerbockers. He has been practising various strokes all winter in the Butler's Pantry. This is Bertie's first attempt to get out on a course-so far he hasn't gotten on it at all. Bertie begins to wish he had spent his time practising tennis in the nursery instead. SPRING FEVER Percival Sunk, the deep-sea diver, says that some time dur- ing the spring he is sure to get into hot water. Here we see him in it. The picture explains what we can't. Percival's friends on the surface have given him up as lost, since he has been under for nine days already. The shark in the back ground is a dog-fish. -Yale Record THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER 21 Not Earigation. Farmer: "The West is a fine place. I've gotta good crop." Neighbor: "How come. We ain't had no rain this year." Farmer: "I raised pertaters and onions together. The onions got in the taters' eyes and they watered themselves." -Whirlwind "Why wasn't the dog on the ark?" "Hle had a bark of his own." -Satyr Henry-"Did you build a garage for your fliv- ver?" Ford-"Yes, I had to. Caught a couple of ants trying to drag it through a crack under the sidewalk. -Denison Flamingo Genesis-"Abie's cold is better and we've still got a box of cough-drops left." Exodus-"Oh, vat extravagance! Tell Izzie to go out and get his feet wet. -Iowa Green Gander Professor (in a class on theatrical production)-- "Take a hypothetical case, for instance. If you needed artificial boulders for a setting . . . where would you go for them?" Frosh-"I'd go to Ireland . . . where the sham- rocks grow." -Purple Parrot Aviator (to professor after air journey)-Well, professor, you stood the trip well-never said a word." Prof.-"That's so, but I came near yelling when my wife fell out. -Texas Ranger "It's the little things in the world that tell, said the fair damsel as she pulled her younger brother from under the sofa. -Penn State Punch Bowl "Can you cite a modern example of taxation with- out representation ?" "I can-alimony." -Dirge Pish-"Why are you always happy?" Tush-"I'm color blind." Pish-"What's that got to do with being happy?" Tush-"I can't get the blues." -Chaparral A Rose by Another Name- It is reported that the Clean Language League or whatever its name is, is to change the old slogan of Pike's Peak or Bust!" into "Pike's Peak or Torso!" -New Yorker Tough Coach-"I wants the guards and tackles over here!" Cocky Center-"Sorry, but the line's busy." California Pelican Eyes and the Man. Rose: "Did Reggie blush when his track suit split up the side?" Mary: "Why, I wasn't noticing." -PIurlple Cow Collegiate: "Went to see my woman last night, but because there was a car in front of the house with a sign on it, I was afraid to go in." Also Collegiate: "And why not?" Collegiate: "It read-Willys Knight." "So Lady Tottingham dined with you? Did she bring her coronet ?" "Heavens! I didn't know she played one." -Tiger "Mamma, what's the wrestler got an arrow ta- tooed on his chest for?" "Sh-h! That's not tattooed. He dated a Pi Phi last night." -Iowa Frivol Young Thing (somewhat hesitatingly) : "I'd like to buy a petticoat." Floorwalker: "Antique department on third floor miss." -Illinois Siren Jolly H'England. ARE YOU the-ah? Haw-haw! I was on my way to the cinema, in a train this awfternoon when a lydy about 48 years old got on wearing a dashedly clevah afternoon frock. By Jove, it was splendid! Oh, utterly! She turned to the tram man, the lydy did, and she said in a high-pitched voice: "Con- ductor!" And the tram man, he said, "Madam, I'm a non-conductor-may name is Wood." Did you make it? Haw-haw; Tophole, what? -Beanpot Mrs. Levinsky: "My Rebecca has an A. B." Mrs. Levy: "Vell, my Rowena has an Ikey." -Gargoyle THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER The Outlaw Staff Associate Editors Henry Lapidus W. C. Ilfeld Charles Burgess Richard Smith Service Department K. M. Gentry Editor-in-Chief Charles E. Chapel Circulation Assistant Edward Wise Collection Manager Ralph Schmitt Exchange Editor M. Z. Eubank Art Staff Eugene Beal Janet Lane Lucy Tipton Pete Meyers J. R. McCreary Kenneth Iankford THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year. Subscription price for the full year is $1.50. Address all communication to THE OUTLAW, Columbia, Missouri. VOLUME II Copyright 1925. Contents must not be reprinted without permission. NUMBER V O. O. M'INTYRE, THE OUTLAW'S GODFATHER, NEW YORK CITY A GRINNING SKULL PUBLICATION JUST as we were about to print some clever jokes from neighbor- ing college magazines we were re- minded that this section of Mis- souri is a stronghold of com- placency which is disguised as conversatism. We hate to be awakened from the lethargy of our dreams and our hatred is directed against any one who refuses to conform to our idea of what is "the thing." We therefore must be very careful not to print any jokes which would of- fend the Babbitts. We love to hear a joke on the other fellow, but'we just can't stand one on our-. selves. "An example of the provincial attitude can be found in the fact that a great lawyer, Clarence Dar- row, must be brought here to speak in a hall over a steam laundry, and that the organization which brings him here has to be a radical club masquer- ading under a Latin name. Why is it that the intellectual people of this community do not care to have such a man speak before a large audience in the University Auditorium? Are they afraid to hear the opinions of one who does not agree with them? The editor of this publication is not an atheist, and he does not sympathize with the as- pirations of the radical group but he does believe that in an enlightened community we should be willing to hear those who do not believe as we do. Are we afraid that our own faith is weak or why do we hate to hear the opinions of others? What is the purpose of education, of what use are these buildings land these fields? Are we not sup- posed to be seeking truth, and if we are supposed to be seeking truth should we approach college with a desire to only listen to reaffirmation of what we have already decided is true, or are we open to con- viction ? (Continued on page 24) Whitman's Famous Candies are sold by PECK DRUG COMPANY 24 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER (Continued from page 22.) The attitude of the student should be sym- bolized by a question mark, not by a question mark of doubt but a question mark of healthy curiosity. The economics professor who gives a student an "Fd" because of his inability to believe that free trade is all right and that a protective tariff is all wrong, and the Shakespearian professor who will only award a good grade when a student accepts his pet interpretation of Shakespeare are not instructors; they are merely little demigods who act as referees between the student and the memory test which they call examinations. Of course we all know that such professors are not on our faculty; the editor wishes to make it clear that he is thinking of other universities. Here all is quiet on the Hink- son tonight. iWhat does all this have to do with an exchange number of the Missouri Outlaw? Merely this, in selecting jokes for this issue we have been careful to eliminate many which are appreciated on other campuses but which would cause strong criticism on this campus. We have joked about the sensa- tional methods of a certain popular Sunday school teacher in our columns, but at last we have decided that perhaps she is right in using Billy Sundayism when she is trying to awaken those who must first have their skulls cracked before a religious truth or a college joke can be poured in. After all, perhaps the radical club and "Battalion 929" are traveling on different roads toward the same goal-the truth about man and God. The editor hopes that this exchange is not a wrong number and that the line has not been too busy to make the proper connec- tion. Negro to chicken in the road-"Yuh pore lil chicken! I jes cant leave yo heah to get run ovah by one of dem mean ol' automobiles." -Siren Little Boy (seeing knot holes in a piece of wood): "What are those." Carpenter: "They're knot holes." Boy: "Oh, you can't fool me, I know they're some kind of holes." -Banter Prof.-"What's the future of drink?" Student-" Hangover." -Penn. State Froth. Flora: "Her man is out gunning for the society reporter. Dora: "What for?" Flona: "Why, when he reviewed their wedding, he said: 'The evening was a complete success. The bride was intriguing in a transparent chiffon creation. It was enjoyed by all.' " -California Pelican "How come you kissed Mary on the beach right in front of the censor without being approached?" "We were leaning against somebody else's baby carriage." -Pitt Panther Mother: "Come here, Johnnie, I have some good news for you." Johnnie (without enthusiasm): "Yes, I know, brother is home from college." Mother: "Yes, but how did you know?" Johnnie: "My bank won't rattle any more." -Whirlwind "I love you, Caroline, won't you give me a little house?" "My father is no real-estate dealer." -Whirlwind Fratter-"Who are you dating tonight?" Ditto-"Oh, one of the wooden shoe sisters." Fratter-"Meaning-?" Ditto-"Always 'Wooden shoe buy me this, and wooden shoe buy me that.' " -Iowa Frivol If all the letters written by us to the girls back home were to be laid out together they would form a line-an awful line. -Annapolis Log "That bracelet, madame, is unique. It as given to the Empress Josephine by Napoleon Bonaparte. We tare selling a great number of them this year." -Hamilton Royal Gaboon Bon Voyage Western Electric Company 26 THE OUTLAW-EXCHANGE NUMBER MILANO Hotel Baltimore Excited Freshman: "Hey felahs, they've discov- ered gold over on the campus !" Unperturbed Senior: "Well, the girls have been digging for it long enough!"-Sun Dial. "Some day I'm going to write a book on my col- lege life." "Yes, it will be full of cuts."-Dirge. It was said of a recent prep-school graduate that one night he left a note on his door for his room- mate, who had gone to the movies. This bore the legend- "If I am studying when you get back, wake me up."-Record. First Flea: "Where are you going with that lean and hungry look?" Second Flea: "To the dogs, Hubert to the dogs." -Pelican. Judge (to culprit) : "So we caught you with two bunches of silverware this time, eh? Whom did you rob ?" Inexperienced Burglar: "Two fraternity houses." Judge (to officer) : "Call up the downtown res- taurants and have them claim this stuff." -Carnegie Tech Puppet DORN-CLONEY Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Vanity Fair The Daily MISSOURIAN The Outlaw Camel Cigarettes