The Outlaw May, 1926 The Outlaw May, 1926 2008 1926/05 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show192605

The Outlaw May, 1926; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1926

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The Outlaw Political Number Own Your Own Outlaw 25 cents 25 cents Jimmie's College Inn Cafe MILANO ANHEUSER-BUSCH ST.LOUIS THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER Prince Albert Tobacco 4 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER GENERAL ELECTRIC THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER Bright Eyes says "There is form in everything, including the way the wind blows." President Depping (he who does things) took a girl to the Millinery Ball who wore a red dress to match his hair. We think it unfair for him to es- tablish a precedent which is obviously so unfair to the bald. If politics were like chess or checkers it could be played on the square. Our Jean says that even the red-headed girls leave their eyes open when they kiss him. If Zeta Beta Tau supports Buckshot will Theta Phi Alpha support Hawkshaw ? The following is a list of' beautiful girls pledged by Tri Diddle Dee this year: He: "Heard the new havoc song"? She: "No." He: "Havoc Amel." "Everything is Hotsy-Totsy now"-St. Louis. The Barnwarming Number of "The College Farmer" contained a list of representative students who are often seen together, as folloWs: Duke Craddock, Red Schmidtke, Rusty Castello, Feeling P. Snitzer, Jack Irish, Hob Allmire, Webster Hac- afee, Snoot Bibson, Miller Miller Pint, Hon Furro Slamory Paxton, Mill Ker, Fritz Triangle. We understand that the Cozy Theatre recently screened "Let 'er Buck" with Hoot Gibson star- ring. We wonder at this time if many Kappa Beta Phi boys went to see that movie. Duke Paddock has plenty of animosities in pri- vate life, but like the good actor that he is, he al- ways makes up before he appears on the stage. Capt. Buckshot says: "Here's to the Army and Navy: may they be like the girls of Read and Hen- drix Halls, always ready but never called for. A cute little Awful Ganga Dumbbell pledge says that she will vote for Our Jean because 'there is no dandruff on his collar.' Our Jean is on the square but he has a large circle of friends. The Toast of the Sheik Candidates: "Here's to women, and other expenses." Why Taxidermists Envy Politicans. Man is the only animal that can be stuffed more than once. Buckshot must have been a street car conductor last summer because he certainly knows what is fare. The new commencement invitations at the Mis- souri Store are very complete. They contain every- thing but the tuition rates and the rate of rise of the Memorial Tower. If elected to the office of student-president Jean Paul Bradshaw will probably favor punishing crim- inals by elocution instead of electrocution. The liberties of' our school are at stake! The sacred right of a student to be electrocuted is being tramp- led under foot by this tyrant! 6 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER He: What is your fiaivorite bird? Hee: The swallow. Clipped From the Society Column. Dinner guests Wednesday evening at Read Hall were Misses Sara Ann Wheeler, Janet VanVliet and Grace Saltmarsh, and Kenneth Lankford, Jean Paul Bradshaw, George Flamank, John Hopkins, Hap Douglas, Charles Gish, Lorne Buchner, Bill Simpson, Fred May, Howard Joyner, Marion Rob- ertson, John McCune, Don Swofford, Joseph Loch- ler, Guido Moss, Malloy McQueen, Hartley Pol- lock, Clare Curtright, Henry Bodendieck, George Schmick, Don Ross, John Killion, Roland Sharp, Russell Hicks, and John Rush. Campus Queens Fear not little ones, old Daddy Outlaw will crown you when the time comes. The Campus Queen shall have not only a crown, but also a chorus of handmaidens, properly chosen. The Campus Queen may not be as beautiful as the Military Queens and she may not have as many friends as the Savitar Queens, but she shall have a crown that will shine like a Nash $23.50 serge suit after two weeks wear. Inviting the Outlaw staff to sorority shindigs has no effect on the outcome. Our contest is above the level (Please don't embarrass us by asking which one). Politicks There was a young man full of zeal, For the public advancement and weal, From a platform a-creaking He started a-speaking; But he fell through the floor on the deal. Another young man was more wise: He noted the co-eds had eyes; So he donned a clean collar, Spent miany a dollar; And he got to the council on lies. Of course it's stale news now, but you've all heard about the plot of the conductors on the Columbia Elevated Railways to serenade for Letter Buck by singing selections from "Carmen" under the board- ing house windows. The members of the staff of the first student play, "Captain Applejack," thought Bodendieck was a rattling good business manager, but they were sus- picious about his nationality. He charged everyone on the staff for the cost of having pictures taken for the bill-boards and then tried to sell them back to them. Three-ninety-eight? Branbridle talks so much about the evils of mili- tary that his parishioners won't let their sons join the Boy Scouts for fear that it will cause another war. A member of the Outlaw staff who helped con- duct the Campus Queen Contest was seen wander- ing around town in a dazed condition. His head was swathed in bandages and he limped badly. As he staggered into the hospital, attendants heard him humming, "There's a warm spot in my heart for the wearers of the little golden key." At the Rotary Convention. Visiting Society Woman (to Gappa Gappa Yawn pledge) : "I always wonder why some girls could get in such a nice, elegant sorority; now I know, it's your white faces." Gappa Gappa Yawn pledge: "No mam, it's our greenbacks." "You're passing fare," said the conductor to the fare dodger. "I'm a great man," said the furnace maker as he put in a new range of bars. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 7 THE POLITICAL POT We are authorized to announce the candidacy of Homer McNutt for the offce of student president. Homer comes from Two Horse, Ark. He is a man of great distinction, having played on the football team, worked in a butcher shop, and been a colonel in the R. 0. T. C. A promising youngster who is coming strong for the office of janitor at Read Hall is Gazunkus Sweep. Gazunkus does not smoke, drink nor date; he goes to church every Sunday, and works over- time as often as he can ;for as little pay as he can get. He is fond of reading the Missouri Scroll. Jean Val Jones, namesoiak of the famous bread- thief, is candidate for the campus pest. He belongs to the Rotary, ten greek-letter organizations, and goes to class occasionally. His greatest vice is an infrequent sip of Coca-Cola. Miss Ugg LeMug, chief of the local suffragist's soiiety, is running for the door. We would advo- cate her getting the gate instead. Kid Sweeney McMourner, campus bootlegger, has entered the race for coroner. "I get an inside seat on all that goes on here, and I believe I would be able to fulfill the duties of the office for the glory of my country, the honor of my university, the nobleness, equality, liberty, fraternity, democ- racy, etc." He stopped on the promise of the re- porter to finish it up. Julep Mint, a senior in the School of Journalism, is running for the honor of being the squintingest creature at the university. "When I take a shot, I look iat the sun and see the moon at half-mast," Julep announced. Recently a girl from an eastern exclusive girls' college was smelled smoking a strong cigar. Her friend came into the room where the girl was smok- ing and started to reprove her because she knew that the girl's mother was Dean of Women at a co- educational college in a New England state. "Frances, what would your mother say to your smoking those cigars?" "She'd give me hell, they're hers." Cop: What were you doing chasing those bath- ing girls on the beach? Marmaduke: I was merely enjoying the privi- leges granted me by the Constitution for life, lib- erty, and the pursuit of happiness. 1st Seamstress: How's business? 2nd Seamstress Oh just sew sew. He: Darling, I love you, will you be my wife? She: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth. He: I know you wouldn't. There would be too much competition then. Oatmeal Pome. I have told you, dear, of your eyes of blue, And your hair of auburn beauty, Your complexion clear, and your cheeks rosy-hue, For I feel that it is my duty. I have spilled the line that you love to hear; I have mentioned your voice ethereal; If you were pretty and I sincere; This would sound much less like cereal. "Let me call you 'Sweetheart'," he pleaded. "Go ahead then," she said. He did. Both parties showed their hands, he had a royal flush, and she had a full house. "I never could play cards," was all she could find to say. Gott Straff Reichland We were pro-German until we found out that the new malt-tonic being sold by Anheuser Busch is guaranteed to have no kick. Oh the treachery of the Hun! "Another crack like that, and I'll fire you," said the glass blower as he threatened to reject the de- fective bottle. Home Economics is all right if it includes a course in Domestic Silence. 8 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER That Popular Song About the Farmer. Missouri's student politicians were getting off their campaign speeches. "Fellow-students," cried the first, "I make my appeal to the Greek-letter element." He waved his lanky arms. "If I am elected, I'll make this place such a paradise for Pan-Hellenics that old Socrates will turn over in his grave and wish he drank wine instead of hemlock." "That's nothing," cried a sweet young thing, (she looked it) jumping to her dainty little feet, "Why, girls, if I am elected every one of you will have a date every night in the week. You'll have all the loving you want. And I'll fix things up with the dean of women, so it will be all right. You know I may only look 18, but I am really 35 years old. It's the paint I've got on. I'll show each of you how to make up this way." The next speaker was a solemn old man who peered over his spectacles, which faltered on the end of his nose. "My fellow-students," he began, "you think I'm pretty old in this school. Once upon a time I was young like you. But I am still trying to pass the course in freshman citizenship, which I have flunked 127 times. Therefore you can see I know the students' problems, and have sympathy with them. Elect me, and you won't flunk citi- zenship, for I am an E student in it." "That all pretty high-coundin, but nary a one of them speakers has got a, better thing to offer yeh that me," shouted a lanky Ag, leaping to his feet. "Hy, I'm telling yuh, i:f I'm elected, there ain't agonna be any feller gets through this here school without bein' paddled.. I'm fer democracy, I am, and some of these here guys need a good spakin when they are young. I'm fer upholding the school traditions, I am, and there in't nary a guy in that there Arts and Science School over there that I don't suspicion needs a good spanking." And so the evening more on. Some promised compacts for the girls; others, pocket flasks for the boys. Some urged church attendance; the lowering of rates at roadhouses near town. Finally a ser- ious-looking student arose. Adjusting his shell- rimmed spectacles, he said: "Fellow-tigers, If I am elected, the library will be enlarged to three times its present capacity. It will be open day and night. Refreshments will be served, so that one will not even have to go home for meals, thereby interrupting study. Sleeping accommodations will also be provided for those who want to be the first on the job in the morning to get their books, which are on reserve in the library." He was elected by an overwhelming majority. The committee that announced the meeting had for- gotten to tell the candidates that they were running for a purely honorary office. It was the office of campus freak. Pointed Political Paragraphs. The rumor goes that "Rusty" Pastell will run again, using as his motto "Six years experience." Fred Piron is being urged to run again for presi- dent. Fraternities have again started their nightly sessions in conference with the "big guns" of the "Y." Zarno, of orchestra fame, is one of the new men who are living at the "Y." It has been suggest- ed that he was pledged to the "Y" because another local fraternity is about to organize there and they need someone who gets around on the Campus. The rumor that The Missouri Outlaw is back- ing Zarno for student president is quite unfounded, and like the report of Mark Twain's death, is gross- ly exaggerated. We will leave Zarno for Sheaths and Daggers, honorable millinery fraternity. His activities during the last anti-drill campaign have also led to a movement for making him an honorary cadet colonel. In that case he may be allowed to carry the drum. Can anyone explain why so many campus poli- ticians have appeared lately on Sunday school pro- grams and B.Y.P.U. and Endeavor stunt nights? Henry Pepping, president of the student council, who ran last year on "Pepping Does Things," has been quoted as saying, "My entire force of last year is intact, they will work as usual." "The Duke" will be continued this year by play- ing "To the Ladies" instead of' running for Vice- President. As Tommy Trimble won't be in school next year, the Charm House and the A. G. R. are hoping that Sir John Piley will re-enter school to run for presi- dent. Someone has said that "Buzz" Weinberg from Sigma Nu dormitory won't run for anything this year, because the students do not believe in economy and that they will not vote for him on account of his absence from the Commerce school. Jack English says that Buchner is not a member of Kappa Beta Phi. Let 'er buck with Buchner; there's no sand-burr under his saddle blanket! A political platform is like a platform on a rail- way car; it's not to stand on, it's to get in on. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 9 The co-ed is a haughty miss, Her lips *are curled in scorn, Her head is not an empty space, 'Tis there her thoughts are born. We nominate for the Hall of Fame one Christo- pher Columbus on two counts; the first is because he never made a series of farewell speaking tours, the second is because he was the first Italian immi- grant who did not start a pressing shop or a banana stand. She was an iceman's daughter, Beneath her father's rule, Her glances were so frigid She froze the boys at school. But one day she met a fireman's sor Who set her all ablaze, And her icy nature melted Beneath his burning gaze. Fraternity Brothers Exchanging Grips. 10 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER The Original Hangover. Hogs Or Mules. An Iowa Farmer settled in Callaway County, Mis- souri, and bought a mule farm of a native who was anxious to move to Columbia where he could hear patriotic sermons every Sunday without hooking on the radio. After the contracts had been signed, the Missourian climbed into his Ford and started to leave. "Just a minute, I'd like some advice about run- ning the ranch," the Iowan pleaded. "Wiaal, stranger," said the native of the Total Im- mersion Belt, ".I'm afeerd my advice wouldn't be much account. The ranch was given me by my father-in-law when he moved to Arkansas, the patch where I raised the corn was my grandad's, and my original stock was left behind by a stranded circus. My daughter broke her Phi Pi pledge down at the University and came home to help me curry the mules, my wife kept house and washed the milk cans, my oldest boy toted the corn to the Jennies, and my brother-in-law trained most of the mules to laugh, so you see wages was nothing. Waal, sir, I feel powerful sorry for you. I ran this ranch for well nigh seven years and lost a huge fortune, fifty thousand dollars. Good luck to you, sir." The blasts at the Stadium may blow out our fuses but we shall always have the Israelites with us. Petting may be wrong, but kissing is just the language of love and some of the boys speak seven different languages. Jail o' Laughs Behind these bars, Lives Thaddius Fall; His check was too large, And his account was too small. Imprisoned here Is Angus Cohort; He tried to sell, A policeman a quart. This padded cell, Holds John McGrath; He tried to get An "A" in Math. Beyond this door, Sets Speedie de Vast; His car was too slow, And the cop was too fast. At The Playmakers Sentimental heroine: Oh listen to the rustle of the beautiful roses. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER "Well-I'm sorry that you feel that way about me," said the girl as the boy put his arm around her. Bug House Fables Dr. Neasenfell: "At the very outset, I wish to say that it is perfectly all right to be late to my classes at any time. You may spell preventive either way-"preventive" or "prevenetive." It is al- so perfectly proper to kick my dog any time." Young Fluke Dog: "The citizenship department isn't quite all that it's cracked up to be. I realize that the majority of the instructors are not old enough to ride on a train by themselves or to strike matches in public. However you must take into consideration that we all have our faults." Dr. Sellwood: The southern people have the right attitude towards the negro-of course they heven't got it down to a fine point-they don't repress the negro enough-but just the same they've got the big idea." Rock Damsey: "Bo-ya'h ought to bone fer this English quiz I'm throwing next week. Get Whiz, Sling the Jake. Believe me kid I aint dishin out Fi Bette Kappie grades to blokes like youse wa't never crack a book." Mr. Garstedder: "Rush my theatre any time you get ready to, it's perfectly all right. Throw eggs at the actors and stomp your feet. It's O. K. with me. Boys will be boys. Barry Gunderson Hound: "Down with free trad- ers-bigger and better tariffs-Trade in your home town." Alas! Their meeting was so sudden, Their parting was so sad; She gave her young life meekly, The only one she had. She's sleeping neath the willows, And she's resting peacefully now; But that's what always happens, When a freight train hits a cow. A Toast to House-Mothers. Here's to the most innocent women in the world: The House-Mothers who think that the boys of their fraternity chew "Life Savers" because they like them. Bob: My dinner date just phoned that she has a headache. What would you do, take her some aspirin? Roommate: No! Go to Harris' and wiatch for her. Some time ago a Kansas City paper published the statement that in Sweden pretty girls give a man his bath. The Betas have asked us to print sailing schedules in our next issue, the Travel Number. The Man in the Moon should be brought before the Dean; he gets full once a month. 12 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER Chase me chickens because I'm full of corn. The Missouri Outlaw wishes to announce to all contributors that a convention of the Mid-West Comic Association will be held in Evanston, Illinois under the auspices of the "Northwestern Purple Parrot" April 30 to May 2. A limited number of people from the staff and contributors will be able to go. Considerable plans have already been made for the entertainment of the delegates in Chicago. Further information can be had by seeing the editor of this publication, providing he is still in school. The convention is no joke, but a good time is ex- pected. The Missouri Outlaw also wishes to announce that as yet we have discovered no likely candidates for editor for next year. Two more issues will be published this year, The Travel Number, and The Farewell Number. People working on those num- bers will be eligible for places on the staff for next year. We already have advertising contracts for next year which insure a financial success. This year we have made a profit every month. Several members of the staff have been able to buy haircuts with their Outlaw money. We promise that next year's editor will not have to run a "Campus Queen Contest" unless he wishes to keep up the old tradi- tions of the school and at the same time make him- self popular with the local Snobocracy. An appendix is worth two in the body. He: Did you go to the clauvilux? She: No, but I heard it over the radio. Sub Rosa Stars of the summer night Silently past us steal, And in their golden light I keep both hands upon the wheel. Stars of the summer night By clouds are hidden, And one hand leaves the wheel E'en though unbidden. Oh Judea! Oh, proboscis, you are to me Even as Sears is to Roebuck, Or as Loeb is to Leopold. Oh, curvilinear beak, Oh, unfurled jib-sail, I feel you protrude And I feel that pride that only A Roman knows! "Just one mower," said the woman to the hard- ware merchant. "I mist my swiss," said the cloud. Rare Print! This rare print of the original blind date was taken from King Okeh's coffin which in the large pyramid in the background. There is much dis- cussion as to how the date became blind. One scient- ist goes so far as to advance the theory that his (the date's) tree was near an Egyptian wine shop, and that the date got blind from hanging around the wine shop too long. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 13 UNCLE GEORGE DISCUSSES POLITICS "Right you are, Hor-russ, one swallow under the eaves doesn't make a summer; but one swallow under the belt of a politician makes him red-eyed to pass more stringent anti-bootleg laws. About the time of the year that buds start bursting, grass growing, and lovers loving, mankind in general is troubled by hives and politicians. I have never been able, Hor-russ, to figure out which of the two evils is the worst. One can get downright pleasure in scratching an honest itch; but the only pleasure one can get from a politician is to refuse to scratch him. He then departs for Washington where he can annoy no one but the Vice President with his oratory. "Since woman has lowered herself to man's level and entered politics, the gavel has taken the shape of a rolling pin, and political thunder has changed from a deep basso to a high soprano. The hand that rocked the cradle used to rule the world; now it has deserted the cradle and is playing bridge and politics. Everywhere women are ousting men from office and are taking up the pains of govern- ment. Politics is a filthy game, and they would get their skirts soiled if they were made of enough cloth to hold dirt. When men were the visible head of the house, the legislators spent most of their time, Hor-russ, in passing laws to protect women; now that cuspidors have been supplanted by powder puffs and mirrors in the legislative halls, I hope that the dears can tear themselves away from beauty parlors long enough to pass a few laws to protect men. Not that the W.C.T.U. hasn't passed enough laws to protect the man from himself, Hor-russ; that's exactly what he doesn't want. What he needs are laws that guarantee him life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. "Every boy, Hor-russ, is a politician in the bud- ding, but most of them finally enter an honest busi- ness. Some people maintain that any boy caught harboring political ambitions should be soundly spanked and sent to bed without his supper, but I think that is too severe. The boy is probably inno- cent; the trouble may lie in his adenoids or teeth. It is only when he enters school politics that some- thing drastic should be done. School politics con- sist of plastering all available space with blaring slogans, everyone rushing about asking everybody else for his support for this or that candidate, hand- shaking, and kissing the co-eds; but the one that can hire the biggest orchestra is the one elected. Platforms are manufactured almost as fast as cars are turned out of Detroit; but after election day Conan Doyle and his Spirit Photographs wouldn't be able to find one on a bet. "Politics, Hor-russ, is a game to stay out of; but as long as there are people on earth who like to meddle in other's business and pry into their income tax reports, we shall always have politicians." The rumor that The Missouri Outlaw and The Grail have combined is a gross libel. We merely wrote an editorial praising the work of a popular Sunday school teacher, but the deluge of contri- butions which flowed into our office indicated that people thought we were either running an Under- taker's Gazette or else a Sunday school paper. We admit that our aim is moral uplift; the best sermon is a wholesome joke, but we object to ones like this: Ralph Barton: "Why did the hen cross the road ?" Abie Sarno: "Dunno, why Ralph?" Ralph Barton: "To get on the other side." Abie Sarno: "That's a good one, Ralph, can you get the Epworth League to hire my orchestra for a dance next week?" "Gee, I'm mighty blue for you," wailed the man who had just saved the heroine from drowning in an ink foundry. 14 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER At The Theta House Data: Golf or tennis this afternoon? Theta: Let's make it golf. Data: Righto-shall I call a taxi? 1st Cadet: Why is the R. O. T. C. uniform such a peculiar shade of blue? 2nd Cadet: To give that mail man appearance. She: How did she get that doughy complexion? Sheba: By using baking flour for face powder. Girls! 75% are working girls. 75% are working girls. 25% are working men. 25% are Co-eds. These Radio Widows Son: Mom, what's an optimist? Mom: An optimist is a San Franciscan who plans a dance and depends on a Chicago radio station for music. 1st cat: He cleaned up a big fortune in crooked dough. 2nd cat: He was a counterfeiter? 1st cat: No, a pretzel manufacturer. Frosh: How can you tell the difference between a sorority house and a dorm? Second Ditto: By the number of cars parked out- side. 1st Alumnus: Were you ever alarmed about your studies? 2nd Alumnus: Yes, every morning at six o'clock. Youth: "Mia da' reckon 'f weed been livin' in the French revolution when they kill all them 'risto- crats, 'fwe'eed been, killed"? Modern Mother: "Well, I hope so"! STUDENTS! Please notice the way the local merchants are supporting student publications such as the Missouri Outlaw, and The Scroll. We want you to patronize those merchants who show their appreciation of student trade by advertizing in student publications. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 15 The Strange Tale of Mr. McNoozlepiff. James J. McNoozlepiff, conductor on the Colum- iba Elevated Railways, has disclosed to an alert re- porter for the Columbia Missourian that he plans to enter the School of Journalism in the near future. When asked what he would when he got in, he replied that he intended to start a competing stud- ent daily. When asked what the new paper would be called, he replied that it would be called all sorts of things, but that he would have printed at the top of the front page every morning, "The Daily Sup- pressor and Disappointment." In the evening issue the title will be rhanged to "The Daily Disappointment and Suppressor." When asked what the new paper would strive to accomplish, he answered: "The Daily Suppressor and Disappointment" will have as its motto: 'all news that nobody cares to read.' Whenever any real news breaks, we will order an extra waste- basket to take care of all the copy on that event which our alert journalists present to the city desk. "Not only will we discourage all worthwhile feat- ures and news, but we will continually seek to make our paper as unreadable as possible. Church news will be displayed all over the front page. The lad- ies Aid Society and the Women's Christian Temper- ance Union will monopolize as much space as their members can say words. We are prepared to put out 100 pages per day," McNoozlepiff replied, when asked by the Missourian's alert reporter how many pages the new paper would have. Continuing, McNoozlepiff said: "The headlines of our Missourian are too big. Headlines, accord- ing to the new thought in journalism, should be so small to be unreadable. The enormous head- lines of your paper are a menace to the eye and a disgrace to the noble profession of journalism. Such sensational papers as the Missourian should put on the soft pedal for a while. "The Daily Disappointment and Suppressor," McNoozlepiff continued, "will run stolen jokes on the front page every day. We will not give credit for any jokes, be they good, bad or indifferent. "Our editor will be a thin man, very small in stature. These make the dullest and most stupid city editors." When asked what was the difference between an editor and a city editor, McNoozlepiff re- plied "that a city editor is an editor in his dullest period of development." "In charge of the advertising"-here McNoozle- piff spoke without being asked the question-"will be a gentleman whose voice will be monotonous enough to put anybody to sleep." When asked if the advertisements will be in two or three-color, McNoozlepiff answered: "They will be of one col- or-entirely white. Not even black will be permit- ted to spoil the beauty of the printed page." The editorials of the "Daily Suppressor and Dis- appointment" are to be sepulchral, according to McNoozlepiff. "We will strive never to be original in thought, interesting in thought, nor progressive in advocacy. Anyone who dares write an editorial expressing an idea-worth expressing will be asked to cease such practices, lest grave consequences fol- low." A special feature of the "Daily Disappointment and Suppressor" will be the ancestry department. "In this, in time we hope to trace the ancestry of every dumb belle and horse's he-neck in Columbia," Mr. Noozlepiff remarked. "Of course, we will not limit our mention of ancestry to this department," he added hurriedly. "In every story, should the person mentioned live in Columbia or ever had any- thing to do in this town, we will attempt to weave in the ancestry, at least to the sixteenth century." Here Mr. Noozlepiff was called to the telephone, where he held a consultation over the wire in the Woozlepup language. When he returned to the presence of the alert reporter for the Missourian, he excused himself, saying that he had a severe cold and had to see his doctor for a prescription of a rather virulent beverage. That is the last that the alert reporter saw of Mr. McNoozlepiff. Clarence Darrow, who was recently brought here by the Homo Saps, declares that twenty years ago it would hurt a woman's conscience to wear a short skirt while today it would hurt her conscience to wear a long one, all of which proves that conscience isn't a sober guide. A Girl I respect, Is Miss Hassenflu; She never inquires: "Whatfratchabelongto ?" Variation 0842. Uno: "That man's never lost a hurdle race in his life." Dos: "Olympic champion, I suppose." Uno: "Ne he's never run one." "What do you take me for, anyway," said the stude as the policeman handcuffed him. 16 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER What Our Politicians Are Doing. Rogene, candidate ;for student president, ate grape-fruit for breakfast yesterday. He took his semi-annual bath Saturday night. "I'm feeling fine and expect to win," he declared before the election. Smeara Pan Squealer, candidate for secretary- treasurer, is feeling just darling. She visited the Burrall Bible Class yesterady and kissed the boys. Before the election is over she expects to make the rounds of the Y. M. C. A., and to kiss at least half of the male members of the Students' Religious Council. "They taste so sweet," she announced. 'And just tell the little folkses that I am feeling just darling and expect to win." Sugarface Swampum, the other half of the candi- dates for Smeara's office, is making her appeal to the catty element. "Meow," she said yesterday. She drank soup for dinner Tuesday, and for supper Wednesday she ate pickles and ice cream. Follow- ers of fashion may be interested to know that Miss Swampum wears pink B. V. D.'s and buys her garters tailored at Fashion Park. "I expect to win, and am feeling as aweet as ever," she declared to- morrow, after the election. Lorene Buckshot, student-president candidate, is the dark horse of the tournament. He smokes One-Eleven cigarettes, eats whenever he gets a a chance, and chews tobacco. He is a real democrat, and likes to mix with the boys. In summer he shovels coal, for he is too wise to do anything else. "I am feeling fine and expect to win," he announced recently. Space does not permit of the names of all candi- dates for studnt council. Suffice it to say that those of the student body who are not running for this office are running for either student president, sec- retary-treasurer, or campus queen, or some posi- tion of honor. All the politicians are feeling fine. They are well pleased with themselves, and will cast their vote accordingly, they have announced. Yesterday the keeper of the insane asylum at Fult- on was here, estimating the number of additional cells he will have to have in order to accommodate the disappointed candidates after the election. "What were your father's last words?" "There were no last words. Mother was with him to the end." He: Do you know Jane? She: Let me think. He: Never mind, you don't know her. THE AGE OF ABBREVIATION, ELIMINATION, AND EFFICIENCY "Hey, Pap." "Pap is superfluous, my boy, say pa." "Did you know that the part in your hair re- minds me of a country road in Oklahoma?" "No. Why?" "Because it is crooked and has oil on both sides." "Thirteen dollars and ninety cents," roared the Chicago tourist, who had just finished a short tele- phone conversation with his home town. "I could telephone to hell for fifty cents in Chicago." "Certainly," agreed the Columbia operator, "but that's inside your city limits." "Didja havya hair cut?" "Naw. Washed it 'n it shrank." Grace: "I've invented a new rouge which posi- tively cannot be kissed off." Paul: "Don't you want someone to take charge of your proving ground?" Twenty Years Ago. The girl who had typhoid fever cried herself to sleep because the doctor ordered her to have her hair bobbed. If the members of Kappa Beta Phi are forced to disband their clique they can still petition some of the good national tongs that have not yet arrived on the Missouri Campus. We suggest Hip Sing or On Leong. "Nobody can kiss my daughter and get away with it," roared an irate father. "But I'm not trying to get away with it," pro- tested Harry. I've come back for more." "The only way to get along with men is to let them think they are having their own way." "Yes, and the only way to do that is to let them have it."-Annapolis Log. THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 17 1st Co-ed: Who are you going to vote for? 2nd Co-ed: The best looking one, of course. 18 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 1st Mids'n: I had an interesting experience at Seamanship today. I came across a man flounder- ing around in the water holding on to a keg. 2nd Mids'n: You effected a rescue, I suppose. 1st Mids'n: Well, yes, you see I had to hit the fellow over the head with an oar, but I finally got the keg on board.-Annapolis Log. Light: Heard you read out for Unprepared for recitation this morning. How come? Lighter: Brought a soft pencil to a hard exam. -Annapolis Log Prof.: Name a collective noun. Stude: Vacuum cleaner. -Annapolis Log THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 19 "My young man, haven't you read the new Testa- ment?" "Naw, me maw won't let me read them college magazines." -Michigan Gargoyle "He's a fraternity man." "How do you know?" "He answered to four names in class this morn- ing." -Ski-U-Mah Do you love me the same as you did before you went away, George? Why, er, I think I've improved some.-Columns Harvard: "I always feel ashamed when I see the family wash in the back yard." Vassar: "I would too, if my family did." -Brown Jug Impassioned: "You are the fire of my soul, you have set my heart aflame." Voice from the stairs: "Go on, I'll put cha out." -Brown Jug Second Class: What's the truoble wife? Second Second: I can never be President. My father's no farmer, I'm not taking law, and I've nev- er been to Harvard, Princeton or Yale. -Annapolis Log He: Darling, I love you. She: But we've just been introduced! He: Yeh, but I've got to go on duty at ten o'clock.-Annapolis Log. 1. Does he still go around with that old bag? 2. Who's that? 3. Santa Claus! -Beanpot Son: "What's a genius, Pop?" Pop: "A genius is a man who can write a travel- ing salesman joke and get it accepted by the Ladies Home Journal." --Widow "Did you enjoy your first horseback ride?" "No-but now I understand why cowboys have chaps." California Pelican The guy I hate is 0. B. Ware. He always stands behind my chair, And tells me how, with lofty air, To play my hand in solitaire! -Siren 20 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER "The bathtub over at the Sigma Nu house has been broken for a month." "Why haven't they fixed it?" "Nobody's found out about it yet." -U. of Wash. Columns Clara-"How many college comics are there?" Bill-"I don't know." Clara-"Well, roughly speaking?" Bill-"Most of them." --Northwestern Purple Parrot. Grace-"I've got a bid to the 20th Century dance for Saturday." Full: "Sort of a limited affair?" "David, vere -are my glasses?" "On your nose, fadder." "Don't be so indefinite."-Jester. Delta-"Say, do you know why an eight o'clock is like a pig's tail?" Delta-"No, why?" Delta-Because its twirly.-Iowa Frivol. "Who was the most daring robber that ever lived?" "Jesse James." "Wrong. Atlas-he held up the world.-Satyr. "Did you see service in France?" "No, but I read his poems." -Gargoyle Shiek: "You certainly are a nice girl." Sheba: "Yes, but I'm getting darn tired of it." -Parakeet "I never knew rain drops could smoke." "Well, it so happens that they can't." "That's funny. Only a few minutes ago I saw them in hail." -Medley Upper-"Set the alarm for two, please." Lower-"You and who else?" -Mississippi Boll Weevil "What kind of tobacco are you smoking, Sandy?" "I dinna ask him." -Bison "Officer, that person is annoying me." "Why, he isn't even looking at you, madam." "Exactly." -Judge Vellee Solly Don't trouble yourself especially; but we just wanted to put put before you the sad plight of the Chinaman who went into a store to order caramels -and ate what they gave him. -Wisconsin Octopus "Charles is awfully heavy on his feet when he dances." "Is he really? Rather a Charles-ton, what?" -Desert Wolf It's Time. "What makes Marie so nervous?" "One of the clocks in her stocking has started to run." -Texas Ranger She: "Do you have any sisters?' -He: "Yes, one." She: "Have any brothers?" He: "Nope, sister does." -Whirlwind Hotel Clerk: "How did you get in here?" Hard Egg: "Just blew in from Montana with a bunch of cattle." Hotel Clerk: "Well, where are the rest of them?" Hard Egg: "At the stockyards. I ain't as partic- ular as they are. -Yellow Jacket Wifey: "Oh! What a lovely hat, let's buy it." Hubby: "Yes; we'll go by it!" -Stone Mill A blotter is a thing you spend your time looking for while the ink is drying. -Orange Owl "Gimme $25 worth of scratch paper." "What?" "Hurry up. I got the seven years' itch." -Texas Ranger "Why do cigarettes have oriential names?" "Because they have good shapes and thin wrap- pers." -Pup Frosh: "What are shoe-horns for?" Senior: "For playing foot notes." -Orange Owl "Who am I? Why, I'm Gilda Gray, the orig- inator of the shimmy." "Aw cut it out. They wore 'em long before you were born." -Johns Hopkins Black and Blue Jay THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER 21 Dates We Would Like to See. The Man-Who-Sings-While-He-Dances with The- Girl-Who-Puts-Gum-in-Your-Hair. -Iowa Frivol John Doe was kept off the Civic Board because he wanted to put the Old Maids' Home next to the fire house. -Pup "When I was in China I saw a woman hanging from a tree." "Shanghai?" "Oh, about six feet." -Lord Jeff "Did you foolishly pay ten cents for those ear- rings ?" "Yes, but they were Woolworth it." -Iowa Frivol. Dum: "What makes you so rude?" Dummer: "It's inherited; Mother was a tele- phone operator.' -Bison Leshee, I had fifteen-spent $5.00 on likker, lost $5.00 on the game, and er-gosh-I must have spent the other $5.00 foolishly. -Lyre Frank. Senior-"So you've dropped English." Junior-"Yeah. The prof asked me what a hyp- ocrite was, and I said it was a person who would de- liberately laugh in his class.-Rice Owl. The professor entered a quick-lunch counter for a hasty bite of lunch with which to precede his one o'clock lecture. "Two eggs, please," said he. "Ovah ?" inquired the supercilious clerk. "Ova? Yes, indeed; exactly what I ordered, ova gallinae," observed the professor, wondering at the man's knowledge of Latin.-Chapparral. Librarian: "Have you read "Close On." Co-ed: "No, I prefer green, but I cannot see why you want to know." Her: "Jack loves to think." Her: "He told me he loved for pleasure." -California Pelican Father of S. Y. T.: "What are you doing young man ?" Next to S. Y. T.: "Holding your daughter so she won't play the piano and wake the neighbors." -California Pelican Cleo: "What's the matter with my golf?" Marc: You stand too close to the ball after hit- ting it." -Masquerader "Rastus, is my bawth warm?" "Yessah, the wahmest Ah was evah in." -Black and Blue Jay "Ah! The Lost Chord," signed the musician rapturously as he came upon the missing Kelly- Springfield.-Louisville Satye. He-"Do you walk home from rides?" She-"No, I ride home from walks." -Penn. State Froth. Drah-Are you taking Mary to see "Silence?" Mah-I can't. Silence is golden. -Southern California Wampus HERALD- STATESMAN 22 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER The Outlaw Staff Editor-in- Chief Charles E. Chapel Associate Editors Exchange Editor Art Staff Henry Lapidus M. Z. Eubank Eugene Beal Will Jack Collection Manager J. R. McCreary Richard Smith Ralph Schmitt Lucy Lipton Charles Burgess Extension Department J. T. Hightower W. K. Nash Grace Jones Thanks for the buggy ride: Vance Julian, B. F. Boyer, Ruth Budden- meyer, Edward Wise, M. R. Sherman, T. R. Landis, and A. Horace Wehmhoener. We wish to especially thank the Stephens girls for their excellent work in this number. THE OUTLAW is issued each month during the college year. Subscription price for the full year is $1.50. Address all communication to THE OUTLAW, Columbia, Missouri. "Copyright, 1926, by C. E. Chapel. The contents of this magazine must not be reprinted." VOLUME J.I. O. O. M'INTYRE, THE OUTLAW'S GODFATHER, NEW YORK CITY NUMBER VIII A GRINNING SKULL PUBLICATION STUDENT GOVERNMENT Politics is just a game; that is the reason college children take to it so eagerly. College life is a dream world, but even in the dream world we must have a duplication of the real world that exists beyond the horizon; therefore there arises a necessity for student presidents and student secretaries. It matters not if they have nothing important to do, so much the better for us. We shall have more opportunity to see them loitering in popular eating places where we can turn to our companions and say "Why yes, that is the man I helped make student-president, it's funny though, he never spoke to me until election time and I guess he has been too busy to notice me since. I knew he'd win." The natural tendency for all of us to be either for or against someone causes us to make fools of our- selves in a matter which is of benefit to no one except printers and hired serenaders. But then, student government is hardly more fallacious than real government. Year after year ignorant but well meaning people vote straight tickets or vote for men of whom they know nothing whatever. The college children may be playing 'house' in the oversized clothes of their elders, but the parents can say nothing when it is true that only a small percentage of qualified voters ever vote in any election. Until Americans realize the duties as well as the privileges of citizenship they will continue to be governed by demagogues and Babbitts. College students are merely apeing their elders when they conduct campaigns which consist of hypo- critical smiles and 'on the fence' utterances which are only worthy of a country newspaper that has recently faced a libel suit. Whitman's Famous Candies are sold by PECK DRUG COMPANY 24 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER The Six Ages of Woman. Hair Pins Clothes Pins Fraternity Pins Diamond Pins Rolling Pins Safety Pins -Maniac Absent-minded dentist (tinkering inside his mo- tor car:) "Now I am afraid this is going to hurt you just a little." -Blue Jay Hideous demons flew over her, blowing gleefully on strident horns. The walls rocked and fell in. The sun crashed into the moon with horrible results. All over the universe stars gave up the ghost and fell, training long, agonized flames. The law of gravitation was stunned and quit working altogeth- er, to the intense embarrassment of the few sur- vivors creeping among the ruins of the world. For the third time she had ordered chicken salad. -Harvard Lampoon Econ. Prof.: "What was one of the evil effects of the great war?" Bright Stude: "Fat ladies in army pants." -Orange Owl Reporter: "What shall I say about the two per- oxide blondes that made such a fuss at the game?" Editor: "Oh, just say the bleachers went wild." -Punch Bowl Clerk-"You solemnly declare that you are fitted to receive this license 'for marriage?" Rastus-"Ah surely is, boss. In fact, when it comes to marriage, ah is the most licentious nigger in these pahts. -Lyre He: "Pinky is a speedy boy. Why ten minutes after he has met a girl he can kiss her." She: "What takes him so long?" -Oklahoma Whirlwind Mistress: "I saw the milkman kiss you this morn- ing. I'll take the milk in after this." Maid: "It won't do any good mum. He prom- ised to kiss nobody except me." -Navy Log As Little Brothers See It. "Let's play college, what d' say?" "All right, I'll get a pipe and you get daddy's checkbook." -Juggler American tourist in Scotland-"Say, sonny, could you tell me if this is Aberdeen?" Sonny-"Weel, if ye gae me saxpense I'll tell ye." Lady in back seat-"Drive on, dear, it must be Aberdeen." -Bucknell Belle Hop She-"So Jimmy married that homely Hill girl." He-"Yes. There's gold in them Hills, I reckon." -Michigan Gargoyle "How's Smith in the high jump? Any good?" "Naw, he can hardly clear his throat." -Wisconsin Octopus Won-"The cops are looking that guy over." Too-"Do you think he'll pledge?" -Oklahoma Whirlwind Fadder to Son-"Ikey, take yourself oud a 1.[e insurance policy for ten thousand dollars, and 1 will buy you a nice new motorcycle." -Carolina Buccaneer A fellow crossed his carrier pigeons with par- rots so that when they got lost, they could ask their way home. -Denison Flamingo "Why did you tip that boy so handsomely when lie gave you your coat?" "Look at the coat he gave me." -Exchange Teacher-"Abie, spell avoid." Abie-"Tell me foist the void." -Exchange Pays to Advertise. Actress: "Why did you buy so much of this ter- rible soap?" Husband: "I noticed in the paper that you liked .it, so I just bought a case." -Exchange Western Electric Company 26 THE OUTLAW-POLITICAL NUMBER The Daily MISSOURIAN Such Taking Ways. First-"Is she a gold digger?" Second-"Is she? She's a regular dredge." -Oregon Orange Owl Jasper-"Our half-back is about to kick-off." Cynthia-"How perfectly terrible. Was he in- jured in the last game?"-The Pointer. Smith-"The Jones' are so original." Brown-"How come?" Smith-"They bought Junior a flivver for a rat- tle."-Flamingo. Vanity Fair Hotel Baltimore Coca-Cola Camel Cigarettes