The Missouri Outlaw April, 1929 The Missouri Outlaw April, 1929 2008 1929/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show192904

The Missouri Outlaw April, 1929; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1929

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The Missouri Outlaw A Bit Of Wit 10 cents, The Copy Foolish Number COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN College Humor RECREATION April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 1 ADVERTISING INDEX Please use this Index as your guide when doing your shopping. Our advertisers not only appreciate the importance of the student body as a con- sumer, but are also broad enough in vision to appreciate their problems and needs. Their sense of humor should guarantee them your favorable regard and assure you that they are just the type that college students enjoy dealing with. Page Arrow Tailors ...........................------------16 Buchroeder's Jewelry Co ......--......--17 Camel Cigarettes --.-.....-----Back Cover Campus Drug Store... ...................--- 2 Central Dairy. ....-.....-.......I. B. Cover College Humor........----.......I. F. Cover Dorn-Cloney .----...........--...--.........---- 20 Gaebler's Club Diner........................14 Golson's Cafe...-........--..----I. B. Cover Head and Judge---......-...........-- .......-- 2 Hecht Sears-..........-..-.......------.--...--- 2 Jack Daily ----.......................------- ..-..17 J. C. Penney Co....................--------... 18 Life Savers....-...................------------16 Lindsey's Jewelry Store.--..-----........... 2 Marinello.....----..............--.. I. B. Cover Missourian---.......................I. F. Cover Model Lunch Room.........---..........----17 Nancy-Mae Shoppe.-.............-------......16 Old Gold Cigarettes---..-......---..-....---13 Park's Air College .......-----............--15 Parsons Sisters Beauty Shop... -.......19 Pioneer Suspender Co........-.....-...--19 Recreation-..---.................--- I. F. Cover Rodke Stores, Inc......................-------20 Taylor Music & Furniture Co.....-. 2 The Purple Shop- ................--- - .-------20 Vanity Fair ....... -- -.....-.......-------------19 Vendetta Grocery----...-....--..--.....------13 2560 Taxi Co........------- ----................. 16 491 Taxi......----..................----------16 623 Taxis .-..... ....---------------..... .. 19 The Missouri Outlaw MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 HEAD & JUDGE CAMPUS DRUG STORE LINDSEY'S First Stage Cat: Ain't her act rotten? Second Vaudeville Actress: That's not the half of it, dearie. It ain't even been made into a "talkie." -Notre Dame Juggler. She: Do you believe in hereafter? He: Sure I do. She: Well, then, hereafter please don't bother me. -Arizona Kitty-Kat. Movie Producer: I say, lady, your child has no sex appeal. Doting Mother: Oh, that's all right. I'll buy himi one. -Reserve Red Cat. A paradox that is equally applicable to the great game of football is the better the cream, the more likely it is to get whipped. -Northwestern Purple Parrot. TAYLOR COMPANY April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 3 Missouri Outlaw VOL. VI. APRIL, 1929 No. 8 The Mystery Car It was with some misgivings that I ever allowed myself to be led into the mysterious interior of the machine. A young man, offi- cious, with buttons on the front of his jacket, closed the door be- hind me. Very calmly he touched a lever and I found that we were instantly in motion, really over- coming the pull of gravity, as had been predicted. Thus far the in- vention was a success. We were going at a great speed and the world outside was only a blur. I suddenly realized we were tearing right through the center of one of the great steel struc- tures of the city. But we heard no sound of falling masonry, and the thin walls of our car with- stood every opposing force. Sud- denly, the machine stopped so quickly that I had to seize the wall for support. I looked fear- fully at the pilot to see him star- ing at me queerly. His lips moved. "Fifteenth floor," he mumbled as he opened the door of the eleva- tor. Probably So Jim: I see Tom has bought a straight eight. Tim: There must be something crooked about that. Habits Will Tell John: Why can't that wealthy butcher learn to play golf? Brown: It seems he can't cure himself of slicing. Margaret Sanger Little Jack Horner: What's all the excitement? Bo Peep: The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe found out what to do. Mathematics, Eh! Criss: How does it happen that one musical comedy has a beauti- ful chorus and the other one does not? Cross: It's a mere matter of figures. Criss: His mind is unhinged. Cross: Yes, it's a regular re- volving door now. Aw-The Devil! Jim: They say the ghost of that old fellow who used to spoil our coasting comes back and sprin- kles ashes and cinders on the track. Joe: I don't doubt it; it would be so easy for him to get cinders. That Good Old Stone Age Flintaxe: Jimmy Caveman doesn't believe your battle club is any good. Stonehatchet: Just wait. I'll get it through his thick skull. 1st Slave: What do you think of Cleopatra's finish? 2nd Slave: It looks kinda snaky to me. Be Careful of Splinters Star: Why do you tell me to beat my brow? Director: Lucky to knoc k wood, you know. Don't Be Rude, Pa! Father (from head of stairs): Is that lounge lizard there yet? Voice from dimly lighted par- lor: Yes, papa. Father: What's he trying to do? Hibernate for the winter? As Usual Whiz: What happened to that budding genius? Bang: He turned out to be a blooming idiot. A Good Brand, Too Actor: I'll have you under- stand I am the star of this play? Comedian: Star? Let's see, isn't that the name of a ham? MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 Liza, your dawg just croaked. Well, doggone! Senior: "Saaay, quiet down there. Can't cha see I'm wrapped in thought?" Fresh (quietly): "He must be cold-so thinly clad." "Is your father going to give the bride away?" "No, indeed. He's going to let the groom find out for himself." "Will you have some pie, sir?" "Is that essential?" "No, just apple and pumpkin." "Shall we take a walk during intermission, honey- bunch?" "Shall we, pet?" "The girl of my dreams is a nightmare," neighed the Arabian steed as he frolicked in the moonlight. Celestial Flying! Headline in Western newspaper: "National Air Tour Birdmen Welcomed by City of Angels." Frosh: "I don't know what to do with my week- end." Soph.: "Put your hat on it." Hardboiled Gent (to operator who has just re- peated his number): "Yeh, and get it fer me quick-like they do ina movies." How to Make Home Brew Process Explanation Submitted in Freshman English. 1. Assemble your materials: malt, sugar, yeast, and water, in one place. Lock the door-not that you need to prevent anything being stolen, but this is a secret ritual which must not be seen by any uninitiate. 2. Place the malt, sugar, yeast, and water in unequal proportions in some sort of vessel, preferably an eight-gallon crock. It is permissible to add any- thing else desired by way of flavoring; expe- rienced tasters recommend raisins or shoe polish in small quantities for variety and delicacy of fla- vor, but most any old stuff will do. 3. Mix ingredients thoroughly. For this we recom- mend an easy exercise called "rock the baby". It consists of a slinging act practiced on the crock, which should be held in one's arms. 4. Place container in a warm, dark place and allow bubbles to rise. (You couldn't stop them any- way.) 5. Examine condition of the mixture daily for two weeks. This is known as the game "patience". Count the bubbles-it will allay your pseudo- mental anxiety. 6. If 7,899 bubbles have formed at the end of two weeks, skim off the foam and put the remaining real stuff into bottles. 7. Seal bottles tightly with healing wax or paraffined corks, which must be fastened firmly in place. 8. Allow to remain thus for two weeks. Count the number of corks that pop. A large number indi- cates a superior variety of synthetic alcohol. 9. Christen ''Cherry Bloom " or " Antitoxine''; serve in asbestos lined glasses. Amount of ingredients to keep eight men tight for two weeks with fuller information will be furnished on application. Passed by the Kansas State Board of Review. That girl's got It. How do you know ? Examination, Brother, examination! Do you believe in love at first sight ? Depends on how much I can see! He: '"Do you love me, honey?"'' She: "Sure I do." He : "Why don't you show it, then?" She (misunderstanding) : "I don't love you that way!" Bill sure is good at handling figures. A good mathematician, eh? Oh, no. He's a chorus director in the Follies. April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER SAVED! The city editor raved and tore his hair as he paced ceaselessly back and forth before his desk. Reporters nervouusly lit cigar- ettes and lolled about the office. Copy desk men and proofreaders stood around in little groups talk- ing in undertones. Down in the press room type setters and oth- ers wandered about with harassed looks. The linotypes were silent. The huge presses were idle. All at once a loud ringing set the of- fice in an uproar. The city edi- tor dashed to the phone and tore off the receiver. He spoke eager- ly for several mhiutes, then began issuing sharp orders. The 're- porters ran for the door, others rushed to their places in readi- ness for anything. Happiness re- placed the gloom in their faces. The beer war had again saved the tabloid from the ignominy of go- ing to press without a front page murder. Have You a Little Mechanic In Your Home 1st Mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric uphol- stering ? 2nd Mechanic: I like fabric; leather is too hard to wipe your hands on. A College Student? Banker: Your father's name is forged on this note. Son (indignantly) : Indeed it is not! I wrote it myself. Some One Stick Him Clown: Where's the India Rub- ber Man? Fat Lady: He said he was go- ing to stretch out for a nap. It Is Disgusting 1st Movie Star: How soon are you going to divorce your wife? 2nd Movie Star: Not till the honeymoon is over. Here's paging the unsung fa- ther, who waits tables, cleans windows, and stays home nights, while working his son's way thru college. Billy: Are you a fraternity man ? Goat: No, I don't believe in Socialism. Complaining Wife: What have I got to look forward to-except tomorrow's magazine serial? "That chap over there hasn't had a drink in years. Wouldn't vou call him a teetotaler?" "Well, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't. I'd call him a camel." MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 THE ROME DAILY TABLOID GETS A SCOOP -CAESAR'S DEATH CAESAR MURDERED IN RUM ROW ROW Forum in Chaos The shouts of " Caesar has been murdered!"' shook Rome today as the black crepe of death hung heavy about the populace. In a violent struggle during the ses- sion of the Forum Caesar put up a noble fight, but died the victim of the knives of his enemies. Blood streaming from a dozen wounds, almost in his death throes, the noble Julius gasped out his last words to the traitor Brutus, "Et tu Brute!" His friends turned against him, over- whelmed by enormous odds, he died; his life blood streaming over the newly acquired Persian rug before his throne. A coroner's jury was immedi- ately organized, but up until press time no decision had been reached. Rumors have it that the true cause of the battle was a disagree- ment between the plotting Cassius and Caesar over the power Caesar has shown in his decisions regard- ing the importation of liquors. Cassius, who is police commission- er in the fifth district, it is said, has been enriching himself fromi the duties taken in from the Gaul- ish wine dealers. Mark Antony, Caesar's friend and lawyer, in an interview today stated that he wished to make a talk to the people and publish Caesar's will. Whether Cassius and Brutus, the ruling forces, will allow such a thing or not is a mat- ter for conjecture. It is also being noised about that an old affair between Brutus and Cleopatra had broken up the friendship of the two statesmen. It is well known that Cleopatra and Caesar have been rather more than just friendly of late. A Slip-Up I took a memory course and learned to remember Mr. Addison Simms of Seattle and all about him and his family. Just for a stunt I memorized fifty-six pages of the New York telephone directory one after- noon. I could stand and watch a string of freight ears go by aind ten minutes later could write down the nulmber of each car. I could tell yon off-hand the baseball scores for the last week, the standing of each team, the number of hits, errors, etc. I could watch traffic for half an hour on a busy corner and tell the number of each car, the color scheme of the license plates, the make and colors of the cars and the number of people in each the next day. I memorized all the principal dates of history from Adam to the present time. In fact, my friends all said I had a wonderful memory. I guess I had but my record is ruined, my reputation gone. Yesterday I took the blindfold test for Old Gold cigarettes and I forgot the number I was to choose. Tee: Why did Mabel leave town ? He: Oh, she coudn't find any of the right colored tabloids here to match her new street costume. In 1975 First Aviator: So that new aerial cop gave you a sumimons? Second Aviator: Yes, he told me to pull over to the horizon. Not in the Spring Hiram : Wait till I hitch up and we '11 go for a ride. Hulda: Oh, you simply sleigh me. It's Hard to Tell Jill: Are his intentions honor- able? Janet: I think so; he wants me to get a divorce before I marry him. My Good Man, How would you like to subscribe to Atlantic Monthly? MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 7 Men I Met on My Vacation 1. The one who thought of everyone as being in "one large family", and treated me as such. 2. The one who wore knickers with a "jaunty air", held a pipe equally as jaunty in his mouth, and sauntered about in an occu- pied, imnportant manner. 3. The semi-bald, tittering, giog- gling bachelor "who never would grow old", and who wore a loose, faded blue bathing suit. 4. The man who obediently "Yes-deared" his wife and gazed longingly at the others going golfing. 5. The man who stomped and never walked; who wanted atten- tion at all times. 6. The man (or men?) bow-leg- ged, bony-legged, scrawny-armed who posed on the float in an ab- breviated bathing suit. 7. The man who always wanted midnight hikes, midnight bathing parties, and how are you. 8. The athlete, brown, broad, and handsome, supercilious and bored. 9. The college man rudely ac- knowledging your acquaintance, searching for an emblem over your heart-and if he finds one there he may permit himself to become acquainted with you. 10. The man who whenever he saw a girl alone thought that she was coyly waiting for him. And of course, the man "I just KNOW I'm in love with." Jack: That's a doggy looking coat you have on. Janice: Oh, gee, and I bought it for mink. No Material "I can never write a story," la- mented the small town author. "Nothing ever happens in a small town. If I lived in a big city there would be a wealth of material. Nothing ever happens. And yet at the very instant he said these words: Pete Jones was beating his wife because he had come home drunk as usual. Deacon Brown had just sneaked a kiss from the pretty maid when he met her in the hall. Opal Horne was climbing out of her bed room window on her way to elope with Larry Green. Banker Evans was just refusing old Tom Collins a loan that meant life or death for his sick wife. The shoe drummer from New York was ogling the pretty cash- ier at the Fulton House. Lucy Hunt, with tears in her eyes, was cutting up her wedding gown to make a school dress for her oldest daughter. Betty Linden had just got a let- ter from her long silent lover who had gone west to make his for- tune. Harriet Blake, the daughter of the richest man in town, was tak- ing a forbidden ride with her fa- ther's chauffeur. The Methodist minister slyly squeezed the soprano's hand when she passed him a song book. The author's wife was hurrying to meet a former sweetheart down in the orchard. The Old Man awards his prizes this month to: Bertha Joan Wolf- son, Edward Humston and Voerge Yaeger, who receive $1.00 each for the best three jokes published in the Foolish Number; to Bill Addison and Braxton Pollard $1.00 each for the two best draw- ings and to Russell Silver $2.00 for the best humorous article. Since no short stories were con- tributed he was unable to award the prize of $2.00 for that pur- pose. What's the matter with al'l those budding short story writ- French Delegate swinging a broad motion before the house. "Did you call me a liar?" "'Of course not. I said your statement was a flagrant misrep- resentation of facts." Reporter: "I want to ask you a few questions- " Politician: "My God, another questionnaire '" "What do you know about the candidates?" "'Nothing." "Fine! Don't forget to vote for me. " Pit: I'd give you a picture, but really I haven't a decent one. Pat: Oh, that's all right. Any kind will do. Blushing bridesmaid who has just caught the bouquet: I must be a good catch. ers. Believe it or not, the Mis- souri Outlaw is a good magazine to practice on. The next issue will be the Bally- hoo Number, to be concerned with the increasingly important sub- ject of student elections. How about a little action with pen, ink or typewriter IMMEDIATELY? Of course, you know some mud that will help make the Ballyhoo Number a real yellow journalism sheet. Material due by April 8. Get busy! THE OLD MAN'S MONTHLY PRIZE CONTEST MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 The Old Man Reads "Strange Fugitive" By Morley Callaghan Charles Scribner's Sons, New York Drifting, bootlegging, rivalry, murder, revenge and, finally, death. That is, in brief, the gist of the story of Harry Trotter, the strange fugitive. From a reliable job Harry drifts to the reckless though prof- itable pursuit of peddling liquor on a wholesale scale; from a faith- ful, attractive wife to living with a worthless though intriguing charmer. And Harry is a fugitive from the law which he breaks, you are probably thinking, dear reader. Ah, there you are mistaken, for if you know anything at all of a big city you should know that Harry is well protected by the power of cash, coin, mazuma, or what else do profitable bootleggers rake in? What's more, he is hobnobbing with all the big political bosses. But deep inside Harry doesn't relish his power as much as he would like to. He wanted to be more than a foreman in a lumber- yard but he was too innately indo- lent to take more than the prim- rose path. So he is, dear reader, a fugitive from HIS BETTER SELF. Rightly, he is strange. With a vision of better things be- fore him he becomes worse. He is after all no stranger than the vagaries of human nature when it is weak. In Harry Trot- ter the author has drawn a very convincing picture of a wishy- washy character. His bootlegging enterprise is not so much the story as a setting for Harry's story. His murder is as lifelike as a gangster story in any big city daily. Its occurrence is not so much a tragedy as a definite way to settle the wishy-washiness of Harry Trotter. "While the Bridegroom Tar- ried" By Edna Bryner E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc., New York Contrary to the expected situa- tion Alden Bennington tarries not before reaching the altar but after he has been married and become the father of two children. Then he tarries for some seven years and some hundred pages of book. He doesn't want to go home because of one of those deep-rooted psychological com- plexes. When he finally makes it he finds that the woman (of course you knew it was one) who instigated his complex is not at all as he had visioned her. In fact he finds she wasn't worth the trouble of making himself an ex- ile for seven years. To make his cup the more bitter his wife, whom he really never had a thing against, dies. Instead of ending right there the story goes on to allow Alden to do another one of-his tarrying acts. He finally ends up married to the woman whom he should have married in the first place. If he had he would have been no happier in the end but he would have dispelled the years of re- morse which made his life un- stable. To come down to thumb tacks (which are much handier than brass ones) the theme of Miss Bryner's novel seems to be based on the old adage, "Marry in haste and repent in leisure." To be clearer Alden should not have married at the tender age of 21 to try to forget the girl whom he could have had if he hadn't been so hasty about thinking she wouldn't have him. A complicated situation, per- haps, that has oft been repeated (Continued on Page Fourteen) "Mamba's Daughters" By Du Bose Heyward Doubleday, Doran and Company, Inc., Garden City, New York To begin with, this is one of those really good books that the reviewer encounters in one out of every dozen. Du Bose Heyward knows the modern negro and has the ability to present him with vividness. Unlike "Porgy," "Mamba's Daughters" includes the high- class negroes of yellow hue who imitate the refinements of the whites as well as the blacker in- habitants of water-front tene- ments and phosphate - mining camps. Then, too, there is the story of the Wentworth family, members still of the Charleston social set in spite of their penury. Their lives are interwoven with those of Mamba, her ungainly black daugh- ter, Hagar, and her talented, bronze - skinned granddaughter, Lissa, in a way that is refreshing- ly remindful of the days when novelists weren't too indolent to tackle a complicated plot. Yes, Mr. Heyward not only knows how to but does write a good novel. He depends not alone upon his characterizations and his theme to carry him through but upon a balancing of personalities and situations, entirely plausible, to present a story that strikes one as a slice of real life, the experi- ences of a handful of people who touch upon other handfuls. Although his theme is the ne- gro's struggle toward a higher goal which he dimly comprehends, Mr. Heyward has no axes to grind, no bones to pick. Of course, he is with the negro -his sympathetic attitude bears that out. He merely (Continued on Page Seventeen) April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER The Mud Puppy Ah-SEXXX---MMM-Glooppp mmnnmmore-SEXXX! Ah, what a wonderful term this is: SEX. It seems to bring out in all its an- inutcliation the hidden, delightful mystery of a forbidden topic. Thorugh the last few years the younger generation has been cir- cling closer and closer to the fiery orbit at the heart of the flame. By careful, but not sagacious reason- ing, it was decided by a liberal minded sociologist to get at the thing from the bottom up and give the kids a chance to expostu- late as to just what they thought of this sex business. According- ly, a questionnaire was devised and circulated among the student body with the request that their truthfully honest opinions be ren- dered upon the sheet. "Would you, will you, have you, and could you"' were asked with not half the temerity that prompts a per- sonal question at a Phi Gain bull session. Mizzou's children red- dened and glowed, lost their so- phistication and boomed out (un- der their breath) that "it wasn't any of their business." Their bluff was called and they hopefully looked to the evening edition of the Tribune to give them guid- ance and advice. The advice con- sisted of editorial phrases intend- ed to burn the ears off the faculty. The whole affair of the ques- tionnaire has been supposedly set- tled by the expulsion of Dr. De Graff, Max Meyer and Dr. Wrench, three of the most famous and beloved men on the faculty. A legion of local alumnae and narrow-minded business men sought a way to defeat the school's progress in a branch of education to which the world has been denied free expres- sion for centuries. The alum- nae of Kansas City and St. Louis object to this backward policy and have expressed themselves strongly that sex education is something which cannot be lpassed off and they heartily con- gratulated the instigators of the sex questionnaire. Dr. Brooks was forced into this dilemma: Either he had to expel these pro- fessors or else have every state ap- propriation to the University can- celled. What could he do? A shining example of the free press policy of the Missourian has been speedily and satisfactorily put to the acid test and the sheet canme out the worse for wear. It has most discreetly forbade tread- ing upon the toes of the "offend- ers" and has taken from the stu- dents the only editorial champion that could protect them from the Tribune. This latter is forced to their conservative program by their advertisers upon whom their succor rests. The wraith of the negro who was lynched from Stewart Bridge would turn over in his pungent grave should he hear how the only Negro publica- tion in town, "The Clarion," was the only paper to stick up for the students of the University. Rather out of place for this is- sue but extremely appropriate for last month's is the little episode of a trusting bootlegger. Demp- sey is the name and "you know me." The trouble is too many did know him. Quite a systematic business man by the way. Upon arrival in town, he would station himself at a phone and call up Athens and take the orders. Then he would write out his list, paste it to his windshield and do his stuff. Bearing all this in mind, it is quite conceivable that somebody or other really took steps to curb the liquor business after all. Dempsey was tagged after two unsuccessful attempts on the part of the police on his way from a fraternity house. When these boys got wind of the arrest, many of them turned pale with fright. "Good gosh," said one of them, "just think how close we came to not getting any!" Now some more about this liq- nor business. Within the space of ten days, five students were either made temporarily blind or temporarily paralyzed. The rea- son is this: With the inaugura- tion of the Jones Act, alcohol is being horded to a great degree. In order to sell the stuff at the usual rates to students, the boot- leggers cut their stuff to the ground with anything ranging from water to furniture polish. That old juvenile slogan may be applied in this case: "If you can't be good, be careful." The managing editor wishes to thank his engineering friends for their kind offer of some free pub- licity. He told me the other night that no doubt he would make as big a fool of himself if he took to tinkering with a monkey wrench as they did when they undertook a journalistic project. I guess the promise for a good peppy campaign this spring is all off after all. There seems to be nothing stirring for the men's jobs, whereas, on the other hand, the girls seem to be getting all hot and bothered over their W. S. G. A. offices. Frankly, I would much (Contticced on Next Page) MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 THE MUD PUPPY- Continued (Continued from Preceding Page) rather witness a good, catty scratching session among some girls than I would a fight to a fin- ish among some drunk lumber- jacks. The men's offices seem to be fairly sewed up but don't be surprised to see a few dark horses bob up in the next few days. For the Student President there is only one possible man for the job. He is Glen Degner. Aside from being the only logical candidate, he is one of the best suited men for the position that it has been the students' fortune to vote for. From time to time there has been some intimation that John Wal- dorf and George Bucholz would run. Both are good men but Wal- dorf cannot combine the essential qualities of football captain and Student President; it is impossi- ble. Bucholz, although a skillful politician, is more suited to man- aging campaigns for others but he fails to attract a vote for himself. The impression the student body has is that Bucholz would not re- alize the responsibility of such a high office and various reports have been circulated that are det- rimental to his status as a serious politician. Glen Degner comprises those qualities that make for an ideal candidate. He is clear minded enough to realize the pros and cons that are associated with problems pertaining to the Uni- versity and his action in dealing with them will be entirely un- biased and fair. He is enough of a man personally to stand up for what is right and not take orders from a gang of little tin soldiers that have preached the presiden- tial policy of past administra- tions. Degner's program will con- sist of various movements to place the financial programs on a firmer basis and to adjust the Student Council social functions so that a majority of the student body can take advantage of them. In con- sequence the rates charged for these festivities will not be as pro- hibitive as before. Other than that we may bank upon his ra- tional judgment in dealing with affairs that may arise during his administration. Attention has been called to a possible opponent of Degner's. This audacious culprit is Mr. A. K. Lee of Independent fame. Mr. Lee has continually been in the race for recognition and popular- ity and has so far succeeded in ob- taming the former only. He as- pires to every position that has a "try-out" clause tacked on it. But to those few who may doubt his background as sufficient qual- ification as a candidate, let it be known that he was "chosen" the president of the all-Sophomore class and that he executed his one and only duty perfectly: that of not interfering with others. He is an excellent barber shop debater but his oratorical aspirations have been curtly terminated by those who select the University debate team. But, my dear, CAn you you IMAGINE him as the PRES- idential speakER at HOMEcom- ing or something Like thAt? I can't and you can't, but he will always say that two wrongs don't make a right. Now to get back to the women (as usual). Virginia Nellis and Sue Wass will raise ned for the office of Secretary and Treasurer. They are both excellent girls for the office and rivalry between them will be keen. I do not know which one I shall vote for. Nellis will have the larger sorority vote and Wass will cop most of the barb ballot but that shouldn't make any difference to you when it comes to a show-down. Wass belongs to a sorority that isn't as well known as Nellis' club and will be impeded accordingly. You can't make a mistake by voting for either. Redding is the only one visible for the office of vice-president. It is hinted by the Bug House Spokesman that Buzz Baur will favor the polls for the honor but his popularity as a politician has dwindled to the extent that Red- ding will have little fear of his competition. Redding, like Deg- ner, comprises the most essential qualities for this office. Give him a big hand, boys and girls! Freddy Ramsey is to be favored over Miss Neihuss for the office of President of the W. S. G. A. Al- though the former may be run- ning on her big sister's reputa- tion, it is a good reputation and we have every confidence to be- lieve that we won't commit an error when we vote her to the post. Lucy Wilson will oppose (just a supposition, however) Margaret Ott for the office of secretary and treasurer of the W. S. G. A. Wil- son is the better girl for the job. Her record is admirable and she possesses the right amount of brains and ambition but unfor- tunately the combine backing the Pi Phi entry may swing the vote. If you, as a voter, are interested in seeing an office filled by the better candidate, vote for Wilson. We will all be relieved that the elections will give us an oppor- tunity to elect another editor of the Missouri Student. Singleton, through misguidance and his own warped conception of the respon- sibility of the post, has made an awful botch of the job. Learning by the example of his editor, Puss Hahn will undo many of the mis- takes committed by Singleton and should make a very good editor. His knowledge of newspaper work and especially journalism pertaining to a University organ is quite complete and his keen in- sight into.campus problems qual- ifies him as the logical man. To prevent another year of "Stu- dents" such as this, elect Puss Hahn. Brown, Singleton's "yes- man,'' is too radical and although a good newspaper man is more adept at big city daily stuff than a clever weekly such as the Mis- souri Student might become. H. R. Long, personally a very nice boy, is too much a Singleton type and his own egotism will be his undoing if he is elected. He will not listen to reason and lacks in ambition what he makes up in promises. This is an ultimatum: ELECT PUSS HAHN FOR EDI- TOR! Well, having made my debut as a political writer, I shall now make my exit from this field of indoor sport. It is regrettable that there is lesser competition for the men's offices but at least we feel confident, that they shall be filled by a competent group well worth their trusts. The annual pilgrimages have descended upon Hendrix Hall and have again failed to split the vote. Society note: Peggy Lou Ott wishes she were a dinner guest at Hendrix Hall this evening. Advertisement: Will some (Continued on Page Fourteen) April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER The Outlaw Editor Business Manager Edmee Baur Chick Nathan Circulation Managing Editor S. B. Bean Russell Silver Assistants Robert Williams John Bickley Pat Herbert Bill Jackson Edward Humston Voerge Yeager Ralph Daigh Hertha Beck Publisher-J. H. NASH Copyright, 1929, by the Missouri Outlaw. E xclusive reprint rights granted to (tLeJlHumor magazine. FOOLISH OR SILLY Just what does Foolish mean? We've often c onsidered that question and being too lazy to consult Webster (which is perhaps foolish) have just gone on wondering. It seems to us that when we are feeling especi ally happy and letting the world know about it, some- one will. exclaim in disgusted tones, "Don't be so fool ish!" Now if they mean to criticize us they are mist aken, because we don't think it is wrong to be foolish. Didn't Pat Henry, or somebody, say the pursuit of hap piness was the inalienable right of the American peo- ple, or something? And, also, didn't some other we 11-known moralist declare that you should laugh out loud so the world can laugh with you'? And now for the other side of the question. W hen we are having a good time feeling sorry for our- self way, way down and somebody, maybe the same s omebody mentioned above complains, "Don't be so foolish!" What we want to know is why are both extrem es foolish? Would it be foolish to stick to the in be- tween, Happy Medium, that the ancient Stoics, or so mebody, advocated? Somebody tell us, please, what is foolish, if anything or everybody? MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 Other Campus Comedy "I will show you how if you promise to do what I say, and if you are willing to learn," said Gerald to Ernestine, who was a game kid. "Draw hard, pucker up your lips-that's the way.'" "Like this?" she asked, as her red lips gathered into folds, forming a nice ring. "That was fine; now lay back on the sofa. Hold your head up and now-draw hard. Pucker your lips just a little more-just a little more, dearie. Now that was all right, but let's try again." "This time he sat closer to her, put his arm around her. "Now do it better-a lot better. The forma- tion of your lips and mouth was not so good. Draw hard-all right. Pucker up your lips. Make-gee, that was good." And the two sat cheek to cheek looking admiringly at the rising smoke ring that Ernestine had made. -Detroit Jabberwock. "My doctor tells me I must sleep in the open air." "Why not get a job as a night watchman?" -Cincinnati Cynic. The Height of Specialization "I am a specialized humorist!"' "Specialized, what do you mean?" "I write nothing but the first lines for two line jokes." -Yale Record. "''ot a new suit?"' "Naw. This is my roommate's new suit. I'm breaking it in for him." -Wisconsin Octopus. Visitor: Do you midshipmen have to work long hours? Mid 'n: No, everything here is regulation-just sixty minutes each, ma'm. -Annapolis Log. "You don't hear much of Florida any more." "Florida? Florida? Oh, yes, of course-Florida." -Cornell Widow. Shiek: Could you live on twenty-five dollars a week? Flapper: Yes, but no longer! -Goblin. She: Why don't you give me a nice fur coat one of these days? He: All right, I'll see if we can have one installed. -Dartmouth Jack O'Lantern. Judge: Look here; you're no preacher, are you? Rastus: No, suh, Jedge, no, suh. Ah ain't no preachah! Judge: Then what did you mean by telling these people you could marry them? Rastus: Why, Jedge, didn' Ah pay you two bucks fo' a marriage license last week? -Black & Blue Jay. Professor: So you'd like to be my secretary? What are your qualifications? Fair Thing: I'm absent-minded too. -M. I. T. Voo Doo. "Poor Bill lost control of himself yesterday." "Well, well-I never thought he'd get married." -Ohio State Sun Dial. He was suffering from liver trouble and the doctor told him that if he laughed fifteen minutes before each meal his condition would improve. He was having his laugh in a restaurant one day when a man came over from the opposite table. "What the dickens are you laughing for?" "Why, I'm laughing for my liver." "Then I guess I'd better start laughing; I ordered mine a half hour ago." -Annapolis Log. Lecturer from the Wild, Wild Woods: When the bull moose- Precise Agrarian (interrupting) : I beg your par- don, sir, but a bull bellows. A cow moos. -Yale Record. Great Big Stoker: If my friendship means any- thing to you, Percival, don't spit on your hands every two minutes; it's vulgah. -Carolina Buccaneer. First Garbage Man: How are things going in your business? Second Garbage Man: Oh, let's not talk slop. -Ghost, April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 13 "fdleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments. You can get rid of the former at PARKS this summer and more easily bear the latter afterward." (With apolo.Ih to gihe uy w"ho conlain.d about the Stamp Act July 1st, 1765) "THE VENDATTA" Old Gold Cigarettes MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 FAMOUS PHYSICIAN RE- LIEVES MANY ILLS; HEALS WITHOUT POW- DERS, PRESCRIPTIONS, OR PILLS. DOCTOR OUTLAW, COLUMBIA, MO. Dear Doctor: I'm weary of worry, I want to be bright. I'd like you to hurry And set me aright. I'm ready to chuckle, No longer to sob, And ask you to buckle Right down to your job! 10 Regular Visits ..-.........--.... $1.5Q 20 Regular Visits..... ............------- 2.75 30 Regular Visits .................... 4.00 Name ..... ------.---------- Address ----.---------------- City........... ................-------- Stat e.....- ............- (Continued from Page Eight) in real life. Miss Bryner handles it well. All the restlessness of an uncertain soul pervades her pages after that fateful telephone call. The book is not far-reaching enough to be unusually outstand- ing but it is an interesting psy- choanalysis of the man who mar- ried in haste-not once but twice! MUDPUPPY (Continued fromi Page Ten) journalistic inclined Stephens' College girl apply for the job of being representative reporter for the Outlaw? Her compensation will be e the mdying love and grat- itude of the editors. This is se- rious, so call us up. There is the charming story afloat concerning the Pi K A that called up Stephens the other night and in a wee snua' voice asked the operator at the institution if he was on the black-list. "No, not yet," was the encouraging reply. After-Dinner Speech 1'm glad to see so many present, It seems there were two Irish- men . . Our luncheon club is great and growing A rooster once said to a hen Our country's strength is in her youth, A Swedish guide told this to me . . . . Business doubled in ten years, Here's a hot one, tee, hee, bee .. Salacious plays must be sup- pressed, A friend of mine who likes to pun . . . Public morals must be saved, Stop me if you've heard this, one.... -Columbia Jester. "Hey, mister, who discovered America?" "Ohio, sir." "Ohio, you're crazy. It was Columbus." " "Yes, sir, I know. But I didn't think it necessary to men- tion the gentlemen's first name, sir." -Annapolis Log. GAEBLER'S CLUB DINER April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 15 IN DEMAND- College Men With a Knowledge of Aviation MORE than any other industry today, avi- ation offers you a real opportunity. The rocket-like growth of aviation to a place along side the automobile in- dustry has created an unprecedented demand for young executives. Men with a college education and a sound knowledge of the flying business are the kind that are wanted. Aviation offers you as a college man an immediate outlet for your talents.- Unlike other professions or businesses, it imposes no long years of struggling to get recog- nition. Aviation is growing so fast that the men who go into it today must be the executives a few months from now. The only requisites are that you be trained men- tally and physically and that you give aviation all the application and in- dustry you would give any other profession. Here is a future you can be en- thusiastic about. Here is an op- portunity to show your ability in a young, thriving industry. A few months at Parks Air Col- lege will give you the training that you now lack and start you on your career in the most fascinat- ing, romantic and profitable busi- ness open to a young man today. Send in the coupon now. Come to Parks this Summer TWO months training at Parks Air College this summer will fit you for an airplane pilot's job. That's your first step to success in the flying game - and it's a substantial step, too, with pilots drawing from $300 a month up. From a place in the cockpit, it's then an easy jump for the college man, to a posi- tion in the executive office and unlimited opportunity. College men are coming to Parks be- cause it is the largest non-military flying school in the world, because it uses only the latest type planes and equipment, and because its corps of instructors has an enviable reputation both as pilots and classroom teachers. A degree from Parks Air College will mean as much, if not more, to your future than your university degree will. It will mean that you have successfully mastered courses in navigation, aero- dynamics, airplane design, rigging, air- port management, aerial photography and all the subjects an aeronautical executive must know. It will mean that you have completed a thorough shop course in powerplants, from the big Liberty, the Whirlwind and Fairchild- Caminez to the little Velie engine.. Get your flying school training now. A vacation spent at Parks Air College will be the thrill of your life. Plenty of flying, outdoor life, novel recreation and a training that will bring you a substan- tial salary when you graduate. Spend this summer at Parks. Get into aviation now. Every week you wait means hundreds of other young fellows are going in ahead of you. Send for our illustrated booklet and get all the facts about your opportunity in aviation. PARKS AIR COLLEGE A Photograph of Part of the Parks Fleet of Travelairs Used in Training Students 16 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 " One man in New York dies every minute." "Yeah, I'd like to see him." -C. C. N. Y. Mercury. She: I have said no to lots of men. He: I never patronize peddlers either. Freshman: Wait a minute, Bill. I want to go lup to the room and wash up. Roommate: All right, and while you're up there you may as well change my shirt. -Colgate Banter. ARROW TAILORS & CLEANERS NANCY-MAE SHOPPE DEPENDABILITY 'The Dependable 15c Taxi" April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 17 Jack Daily Buchroeder's (Con tinlued from Page Eight) presents a picture of their lives with those of three of them in detail. "Maliba's Daughters," like "Porgy," should be read for its excellent intermingling of the comedy and tragedy, the humor and pathos in negro life. But it will be read in the future for its record of the beginnings of the negr(o's evolution toward a place in art and the professions-a sig nlifiant turn in the twentieth coen tury which, as a twentieth century novel, gives "Mamba's Daugh- ters" the added strength of ap. propiiateness. "I want to see the proprietor. Is the gentleman in?" "Yes, I'm in." "Are yrou the proprietor?" "No, I'm the gentleman; the proprietor is in the back room." Penn. State Froth. College Man (in telegraph of- fice) : Now be sure these three words are underlined. -Reserve Red Cat. Pooh! Pooh! Edythe: I suppose that this talk about a college man's life being all wine, rwomen and song is exaggerated. Frederyck: It certainly is; you very seldom hear singing in the dormitories. -Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. He: I won't graduate from college this year. She: Why not? He: I didn't go. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. Tramp: Have you a good square meal for a hungry man, missus ? Lady: Yes, and he'll be home presently, so you'd better go. -U. of S. Calif. Wampus. MODEL LUNCH MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 J.C.PENNEY CO MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 19 A man was buying a suitcase, but none of those shown pleased him at all. "When I buy a bag," he declared, "I like to see some cowhide in it." "Oi," said the dealer, "you should want tricks!'" Big Meat Man: Hurry up, Jimmy; break the bones in Mr. Williamson's chops and put Mr. Smith's ribs in the basket for him. Little Meat Boy: All right, sir, as soon as I have sawed off Mrs. Murphy's legs. -Denison Flaminigo. "If you don't give up gin it will shorten your life." "Do you think so?" "I am sure of it. If you stop drinking it will prolong your days." "I guess that's right. I went twenty-four hours without a drink six months ago, and I never spent such a long day in my life." THE JUNGLES Parsons Sisters Pioneer Suspenders VANITY FAIR 623 DEPENDABLE SERVICE MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929 The Purple Shoppe Prof: That play was barred from Paris because of its lines. Student: Yes, but it was later produced in pantomime. Prof.: Where's that? -Notre Dame Juggler. The absent-minded professor's room quarters were at a fashion- able lodging house. "I say, Professor," remarked a citizen downtown, "I hear that there are twin boys at your house." "Migosh," replied the prof, "don't tell me that I'm mar- ried." -Okla. Whirlwind. I once knew a man from N. Y. Who never ate peas with a F. He ate with his knife And in fear of his life Had his implement covered with C. -Rutgers Chanticleer. "Was it a rough party last night ?" "Yeah, is was gorgeous. I was manhandled wonderfully." -Texas Ranger. Radke Store DORN-CLONEY LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANING CO. MARINELLO BEAUTY PARLOR GOLSON'S CANDY-SHOP CAFE CENTRAL DAIRY Camel Cigarettes