The Missouri Outlaw April, 1929The Missouri Outlaw April, 192920081929/04image/jpegUniversity of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show192904The Missouri Outlaw April, 1929; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1929
All blank pages have been eliminated.
The Missouri Outlaw
A Bit Of Wit
10 cents, The Copy
Foolish Number
COLUMBIA
MISSOURIAN
College Humor
RECREATION
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 1
ADVERTISING
INDEX
Please use this Index as
your guide when doing your
shopping. Our advertisers not
only appreciate the importance
of the student body as a con-
sumer, but are also broad
enough in vision to appreciate
their problems and needs.
Their sense of humor should
guarantee them your favorable
regard and assure you that
they are just the type that
college students enjoy dealing
with.
Page
Arrow Tailors ...........................------------16
Buchroeder's Jewelry Co ......--......--17
Camel Cigarettes --.-.....-----Back Cover
Campus Drug Store... ...................--- 2
Central Dairy. ....-.....-.......I. B. Cover
College Humor........----.......I. F. Cover
Dorn-Cloney .----...........--...--.........---- 20
Gaebler's Club Diner........................14
Golson's Cafe...-........--..----I. B. Cover
Head and Judge---......-...........-- .......-- 2
Hecht Sears-..........-..-.......------.--...--- 2
Jack Daily ----.......................------- ..-..17
J. C. Penney Co....................--------... 18
Life Savers....-...................------------16
Lindsey's Jewelry Store.--..-----........... 2
Marinello.....----..............--.. I. B. Cover
Missourian---.......................I. F. Cover
Model Lunch Room.........---..........----17
Nancy-Mae Shoppe.-.............-------......16
Old Gold Cigarettes---..-......---..-....---13
Park's Air College .......-----............--15
Parsons Sisters Beauty Shop... -.......19
Pioneer Suspender Co........-.....-...--19
Recreation-..---.................--- I. F. Cover
Rodke Stores, Inc......................-------20
Taylor Music & Furniture Co.....-. 2
The Purple Shop- ................--- - .-------20
Vanity Fair ....... -- -.....-.......-------------19
Vendetta Grocery----...-....--..--.....------13
2560 Taxi Co........------- ----................. 16
491 Taxi......----..................----------16
623 Taxis .-..... ....---------------..... .. 19
The
Missouri
Outlaw
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
HEAD & JUDGE
CAMPUS DRUG STORE
LINDSEY'S
First Stage Cat: Ain't her act rotten?
Second Vaudeville Actress: That's not the half
of it, dearie. It ain't even been made into a
"talkie." -Notre Dame Juggler.
She: Do you believe in hereafter?
He: Sure I do.
She: Well, then, hereafter please don't bother
me. -Arizona Kitty-Kat.
Movie Producer: I say, lady, your child has no
sex appeal.
Doting Mother: Oh, that's all right. I'll buy
himi one. -Reserve Red Cat.
A paradox that is equally applicable to the great
game of football is the better the cream, the more
likely it is to get whipped.
-Northwestern Purple Parrot.
TAYLOR COMPANY
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 3
Missouri Outlaw
VOL. VI. APRIL, 1929 No. 8
The Mystery Car
It was with some misgivings
that I ever allowed myself to be
led into the mysterious interior of
the machine. A young man, offi-
cious, with buttons on the front
of his jacket, closed the door be-
hind me. Very calmly he touched
a lever and I found that we were
instantly in motion, really over-
coming the pull of gravity, as had
been predicted. Thus far the in-
vention was a success.
We were going at a great speed
and the world outside was only a
blur. I suddenly realized we were
tearing right through the center
of one of the great steel struc-
tures of the city. But we heard
no sound of falling masonry, and
the thin walls of our car with-
stood every opposing force. Sud-
denly, the machine stopped so
quickly that I had to seize the
wall for support. I looked fear-
fully at the pilot to see him star-
ing at me queerly. His lips moved.
"Fifteenth floor," he mumbled as
he opened the door of the eleva-
tor.
Probably So
Jim: I see Tom has bought a
straight eight.
Tim: There must be something
crooked about that.
Habits Will Tell
John: Why can't that wealthy
butcher learn to play golf?
Brown: It seems he can't cure
himself of slicing.
Margaret Sanger
Little Jack Horner: What's all
the excitement?
Bo Peep: The Old Woman who
Lived in a Shoe found out what
to do.
Mathematics, Eh!
Criss: How does it happen that
one musical comedy has a beauti-
ful chorus and the other one does
not?
Cross: It's a mere matter of
figures.
Criss: His mind is unhinged.
Cross: Yes, it's a regular re-
volving door now.
Aw-The Devil!
Jim: They say the ghost of that
old fellow who used to spoil our
coasting comes back and sprin-
kles ashes and cinders on the
track.
Joe: I don't doubt it; it would
be so easy for him to get cinders.
That Good Old Stone Age
Flintaxe: Jimmy Caveman
doesn't believe your battle club is
any good.
Stonehatchet: Just wait. I'll
get it through his thick skull.
1st Slave: What do you think
of Cleopatra's finish?
2nd Slave: It looks kinda snaky
to me.
Be Careful of Splinters
Star: Why do you tell me to
beat my brow?
Director: Lucky to knoc k
wood, you know.
Don't Be Rude, Pa!
Father (from head of stairs):
Is that lounge lizard there yet?
Voice from dimly lighted par-
lor: Yes, papa.
Father: What's he trying to
do? Hibernate for the winter?
As Usual
Whiz: What happened to that
budding genius?
Bang: He turned out to be a
blooming idiot.
A Good Brand, Too
Actor: I'll have you under-
stand I am the star of this play?
Comedian: Star? Let's see,
isn't that the name of a ham?
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
Liza, your dawg just croaked.
Well, doggone!
Senior: "Saaay, quiet down there. Can't cha see
I'm wrapped in thought?"
Fresh (quietly): "He must be cold-so thinly
clad."
"Is your father going to give the bride away?"
"No, indeed. He's going to let the groom find out
for himself."
"Will you have some pie, sir?"
"Is that essential?"
"No, just apple and pumpkin."
"Shall we take a walk during intermission, honey-
bunch?"
"Shall we, pet?"
"The girl of my dreams is a nightmare," neighed
the Arabian steed as he frolicked in the moonlight.
Celestial Flying!
Headline in Western newspaper: "National Air
Tour Birdmen Welcomed by City of Angels."
Frosh: "I don't know what to do with my week-
end."
Soph.: "Put your hat on it."
Hardboiled Gent (to operator who has just re-
peated his number): "Yeh, and get it fer me
quick-like they do ina movies."
How to Make Home Brew
Process Explanation Submitted in Freshman English.
1. Assemble your materials: malt, sugar, yeast, and
water, in one place. Lock the door-not that you
need to prevent anything being stolen, but this is
a secret ritual which must not be seen by any
uninitiate.
2. Place the malt, sugar, yeast, and water in unequal
proportions in some sort of vessel, preferably an
eight-gallon crock. It is permissible to add any-
thing else desired by way of flavoring; expe-
rienced tasters recommend raisins or shoe polish
in small quantities for variety and delicacy of fla-
vor, but most any old stuff will do.
3. Mix ingredients thoroughly. For this we recom-
mend an easy exercise called "rock the baby".
It consists of a slinging act practiced on the crock,
which should be held in one's arms.
4. Place container in a warm, dark place and allow
bubbles to rise. (You couldn't stop them any-
way.)
5. Examine condition of the mixture daily for two
weeks. This is known as the game "patience".
Count the bubbles-it will allay your pseudo-
mental anxiety.
6. If 7,899 bubbles have formed at the end of two
weeks, skim off the foam and put the remaining
real stuff into bottles.
7. Seal bottles tightly with healing wax or paraffined
corks, which must be fastened firmly in place.
8. Allow to remain thus for two weeks. Count the
number of corks that pop. A large number indi-
cates a superior variety of synthetic alcohol.
9. Christen ''Cherry Bloom " or " Antitoxine''; serve
in asbestos lined glasses.
Amount of ingredients to keep eight men tight for
two weeks with fuller information will be furnished
on application.
Passed by the Kansas State Board of Review.
That girl's got It.
How do you know ?
Examination, Brother, examination!
Do you believe in love at first sight ?
Depends on how much I can see!
He: '"Do you love me, honey?"''
She: "Sure I do."
He : "Why don't you show it, then?"
She (misunderstanding) : "I don't love you that
way!"
Bill sure is good at handling figures.
A good mathematician, eh?
Oh, no. He's a chorus director in the Follies.
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER
SAVED!
The city editor raved and tore
his hair as he paced ceaselessly
back and forth before his desk.
Reporters nervouusly lit cigar-
ettes and lolled about the office.
Copy desk men and proofreaders
stood around in little groups talk-
ing in undertones. Down in the
press room type setters and oth-
ers wandered about with harassed
looks. The linotypes were silent.
The huge presses were idle. All
at once a loud ringing set the of-
fice in an uproar. The city edi-
tor dashed to the phone and tore
off the receiver. He spoke eager-
ly for several mhiutes, then began
issuing sharp orders. The 're-
porters ran for the door, others
rushed to their places in readi-
ness for anything. Happiness re-
placed the gloom in their faces.
The beer war had again saved the
tabloid from the ignominy of go-
ing to press without a front page
murder.
Have You a Little Mechanic
In Your Home
1st Mechanic: Which do you
prefer, leather or fabric uphol-
stering ?
2nd Mechanic: I like fabric;
leather is too hard to wipe your
hands on.
A College Student?
Banker: Your father's name is
forged on this note.
Son (indignantly) : Indeed it is
not! I wrote it myself.
Some One Stick Him
Clown: Where's the India Rub-
ber Man?
Fat Lady: He said he was go-
ing to stretch out for a nap.
It Is Disgusting
1st Movie Star: How soon are
you going to divorce your wife?
2nd Movie Star: Not till the
honeymoon is over.
Here's paging the unsung fa-
ther, who waits tables, cleans
windows, and stays home nights,
while working his son's way thru
college.
Billy: Are you a fraternity
man ?
Goat: No, I don't believe in
Socialism.
Complaining Wife: What have
I got to look forward to-except
tomorrow's magazine serial?
"That chap over there hasn't
had a drink in years. Wouldn't
vou call him a teetotaler?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, I
wouldn't. I'd call him a camel."
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
THE ROME DAILY TABLOID GETS A SCOOP
-CAESAR'S DEATH
CAESAR MURDERED IN RUM ROW ROW
Forum in Chaos
The shouts of " Caesar has been
murdered!"' shook Rome today as
the black crepe of death hung
heavy about the populace. In a
violent struggle during the ses-
sion of the Forum Caesar put up
a noble fight, but died the victim
of the knives of his enemies.
Blood streaming from a dozen
wounds, almost in his death
throes, the noble Julius gasped
out his last words to the traitor
Brutus, "Et tu Brute!" His
friends turned against him, over-
whelmed by enormous odds, he
died; his life blood streaming over
the newly acquired Persian rug
before his throne.
A coroner's jury was immedi-
ately organized, but up until press
time no decision had been reached.
Rumors have it that the true
cause of the battle was a disagree-
ment between the plotting Cassius
and Caesar over the power Caesar
has shown in his decisions regard-
ing the importation of liquors.
Cassius, who is police commission-
er in the fifth district, it is said,
has been enriching himself fromi
the duties taken in from the Gaul-
ish wine dealers.
Mark Antony, Caesar's friend
and lawyer, in an interview today
stated that he wished to make a
talk to the people and publish
Caesar's will. Whether Cassius
and Brutus, the ruling forces, will
allow such a thing or not is a mat-
ter for conjecture.
It is also being noised about
that an old affair between Brutus
and Cleopatra had broken up the
friendship of the two statesmen.
It is well known that Cleopatra
and Caesar have been rather more
than just friendly of late.
A Slip-Up
I took a memory course and
learned to remember Mr. Addison
Simms of Seattle and all about
him and his family.
Just for a stunt I memorized
fifty-six pages of the New York
telephone directory one after-
noon.
I could stand and watch a
string of freight ears go by aind
ten minutes later could write
down the nulmber of each car.
I could tell yon off-hand the
baseball scores for the last week,
the standing of each team, the
number of hits, errors, etc.
I could watch traffic for half an
hour on a busy corner and tell the
number of each car, the color
scheme of the license plates, the
make and colors of the cars and
the number of people in each the
next day.
I memorized all the principal
dates of history from Adam to
the present time.
In fact, my friends all said I
had a wonderful memory. I guess
I had but my record is ruined, my
reputation gone.
Yesterday I took the blindfold
test for Old Gold cigarettes and
I forgot the number I was to
choose.
Tee: Why did Mabel leave
town ?
He: Oh, she coudn't find any
of the right colored tabloids here
to match her new street costume.
In 1975
First Aviator: So that new
aerial cop gave you a sumimons?
Second Aviator: Yes, he told
me to pull over to the horizon.
Not in the Spring
Hiram : Wait till I hitch up and
we '11 go for a ride.
Hulda: Oh, you simply sleigh
me.
It's Hard to Tell
Jill: Are his intentions honor-
able?
Janet: I think so; he wants me
to get a divorce before I marry
him.
My Good Man, How would you like to subscribe to Atlantic Monthly?
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 7
Men I Met on My Vacation
1. The one who thought of
everyone as being in "one large
family", and treated me as such.
2. The one who wore knickers
with a "jaunty air", held a pipe
equally as jaunty in his mouth,
and sauntered about in an occu-
pied, imnportant manner.
3. The semi-bald, tittering, giog-
gling bachelor "who never would
grow old", and who wore a loose,
faded blue bathing suit.
4. The man who obediently
"Yes-deared" his wife and gazed
longingly at the others going
golfing.
5. The man who stomped and
never walked; who wanted atten-
tion at all times.
6. The man (or men?) bow-leg-
ged, bony-legged, scrawny-armed
who posed on the float in an ab-
breviated bathing suit.
7. The man who always wanted
midnight hikes, midnight bathing
parties, and how are you.
8. The athlete, brown, broad,
and handsome, supercilious and
bored.
9. The college man rudely ac-
knowledging your acquaintance,
searching for an emblem over
your heart-and if he finds one
there he may permit himself to
become acquainted with you.
10. The man who whenever he
saw a girl alone thought that she
was coyly waiting for him.
And of course, the man "I just
KNOW I'm in love with."
Jack: That's a doggy looking
coat you have on.
Janice: Oh, gee, and I bought
it for mink.
No Material
"I can never write a story," la-
mented the small town author.
"Nothing ever happens in a small
town. If I lived in a big city there
would be a wealth of material.
Nothing ever happens. And
yet at the very instant he said
these words:
Pete Jones was beating his wife
because he had come home drunk
as usual.
Deacon Brown had just sneaked
a kiss from the pretty maid when
he met her in the hall.
Opal Horne was climbing out of
her bed room window on her way
to elope with Larry Green.
Banker Evans was just refusing
old Tom Collins a loan that meant
life or death for his sick wife.
The shoe drummer from New
York was ogling the pretty cash-
ier at the Fulton House.
Lucy Hunt, with tears in her
eyes, was cutting up her wedding
gown to make a school dress for
her oldest daughter.
Betty Linden had just got a let-
ter from her long silent lover who
had gone west to make his for-
tune.
Harriet Blake, the daughter of
the richest man in town, was tak-
ing a forbidden ride with her fa-
ther's chauffeur.
The Methodist minister slyly
squeezed the soprano's hand when
she passed him a song book.
The author's wife was hurrying
to meet a former sweetheart down
in the orchard.
The Old Man awards his prizes
this month to: Bertha Joan Wolf-
son, Edward Humston and Voerge
Yaeger, who receive $1.00 each
for the best three jokes published
in the Foolish Number; to Bill
Addison and Braxton Pollard
$1.00 each for the two best draw-
ings and to Russell Silver $2.00
for the best humorous article.
Since no short stories were con-
tributed he was unable to award
the prize of $2.00 for that pur-
pose. What's the matter with al'l
those budding short story writ-
French Delegate swinging a broad
motion before the house.
"Did you call me a liar?"
"'Of course not. I said your
statement was a flagrant misrep-
resentation of facts."
Reporter: "I want to ask you
a few questions- "
Politician: "My God, another
questionnaire '"
"What do you know about the
candidates?"
"'Nothing."
"Fine! Don't forget to vote
for me. "
Pit: I'd give you a picture, but
really I haven't a decent one.
Pat: Oh, that's all right. Any
kind will do.
Blushing bridesmaid who has
just caught the bouquet: I must
be a good catch.
ers. Believe it or not, the Mis-
souri Outlaw is a good magazine
to practice on.
The next issue will be the Bally-
hoo Number, to be concerned with
the increasingly important sub-
ject of student elections. How
about a little action with pen, ink
or typewriter IMMEDIATELY?
Of course, you know some mud
that will help make the Ballyhoo
Number a real yellow journalism
sheet. Material due by April 8.
Get busy!
THE OLD MAN'S MONTHLY PRIZE CONTEST
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
The Old Man Reads
"Strange Fugitive"
By Morley Callaghan
Charles Scribner's Sons, New York
Drifting, bootlegging, rivalry,
murder, revenge and, finally,
death. That is, in brief, the gist
of the story of Harry Trotter, the
strange fugitive.
From a reliable job Harry
drifts to the reckless though prof-
itable pursuit of peddling liquor
on a wholesale scale; from a faith-
ful, attractive wife to living with
a worthless though intriguing
charmer.
And Harry is a fugitive from
the law which he breaks, you are
probably thinking, dear reader.
Ah, there you are mistaken, for if
you know anything at all of a big
city you should know that Harry
is well protected by the power of
cash, coin, mazuma, or what else
do profitable bootleggers rake in?
What's more, he is hobnobbing
with all the big political bosses.
But deep inside Harry doesn't
relish his power as much as he
would like to. He wanted to be
more than a foreman in a lumber-
yard but he was too innately indo-
lent to take more than the prim-
rose path. So he is, dear reader,
a fugitive from HIS BETTER
SELF. Rightly, he is strange.
With a vision of better things be-
fore him he becomes worse.
He is after all no stranger than
the vagaries of human nature
when it is weak. In Harry Trot-
ter the author has drawn a very
convincing picture of a wishy-
washy character. His bootlegging
enterprise is not so much the
story as a setting for Harry's
story. His murder is as lifelike as
a gangster story in any big city
daily. Its occurrence is not so
much a tragedy as a definite way
to settle the wishy-washiness of
Harry Trotter.
"While the Bridegroom Tar-
ried"
By Edna Bryner
E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc., New York
Contrary to the expected situa-
tion Alden Bennington tarries not
before reaching the altar but after
he has been married and become
the father of two children.
Then he tarries for some seven
years and some hundred pages of
book. He doesn't want to go
home because of one of those
deep-rooted psychological com-
plexes. When he finally makes it
he finds that the woman (of
course you knew it was one) who
instigated his complex is not at
all as he had visioned her. In
fact he finds she wasn't worth the
trouble of making himself an ex-
ile for seven years. To make his
cup the more bitter his wife,
whom he really never had a thing
against, dies.
Instead of ending right there
the story goes on to allow Alden
to do another one of-his tarrying
acts. He finally ends up married
to the woman whom he should
have married in the first place. If
he had he would have been no
happier in the end but he would
have dispelled the years of re-
morse which made his life un-
stable.
To come down to thumb tacks
(which are much handier than
brass ones) the theme of Miss
Bryner's novel seems to be based
on the old adage, "Marry in haste
and repent in leisure." To be
clearer Alden should not have
married at the tender age of 21
to try to forget the girl whom he
could have had if he hadn't been
so hasty about thinking she
wouldn't have him.
A complicated situation, per-
haps, that has oft been repeated
(Continued on Page Fourteen)
"Mamba's Daughters"
By Du Bose Heyward
Doubleday, Doran and Company, Inc.,
Garden City, New York
To begin with, this is one of
those really good books that the
reviewer encounters in one out of
every dozen. Du Bose Heyward
knows the modern negro and has
the ability to present him with
vividness.
Unlike "Porgy," "Mamba's
Daughters" includes the high-
class negroes of yellow hue who
imitate the refinements of the
whites as well as the blacker in-
habitants of water-front tene-
ments and phosphate - mining
camps.
Then, too, there is the story of
the Wentworth family, members
still of the Charleston social set in
spite of their penury. Their lives
are interwoven with those of
Mamba, her ungainly black daugh-
ter, Hagar, and her talented,
bronze - skinned granddaughter,
Lissa, in a way that is refreshing-
ly remindful of the days when
novelists weren't too indolent to
tackle a complicated plot.
Yes, Mr. Heyward not only
knows how to but does write a
good novel. He depends not alone
upon his characterizations and his
theme to carry him through but
upon a balancing of personalities
and situations, entirely plausible,
to present a story that strikes one
as a slice of real life, the experi-
ences of a handful of people who
touch upon other handfuls.
Although his theme is the ne-
gro's struggle toward a higher
goal which he dimly comprehends,
Mr. Heyward has no axes to grind,
no bones to pick. Of course, he is
with the negro -his sympathetic
attitude bears that out. He merely
(Continued on Page Seventeen)
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER
The Mud Puppy
Ah-SEXXX---MMM-Glooppp
mmnnmmore-SEXXX! Ah, what
a wonderful term this is: SEX. It
seems to bring out in all its an-
inutcliation the hidden, delightful
mystery of a forbidden topic.
Thorugh the last few years the
younger generation has been cir-
cling closer and closer to the fiery
orbit at the heart of the flame. By
careful, but not sagacious reason-
ing, it was decided by a liberal
minded sociologist to get at the
thing from the bottom up and
give the kids a chance to expostu-
late as to just what they thought
of this sex business. According-
ly, a questionnaire was devised
and circulated among the student
body with the request that their
truthfully honest opinions be ren-
dered upon the sheet. "Would
you, will you, have you, and could
you"' were asked with not half
the temerity that prompts a per-
sonal question at a Phi Gain bull
session. Mizzou's children red-
dened and glowed, lost their so-
phistication and boomed out (un-
der their breath) that "it wasn't
any of their business." Their bluff
was called and they hopefully
looked to the evening edition of
the Tribune to give them guid-
ance and advice. The advice con-
sisted of editorial phrases intend-
ed to burn the ears off the faculty.
The whole affair of the ques-
tionnaire has been supposedly set-
tled by the expulsion of Dr. De
Graff, Max Meyer and Dr.
Wrench, three of the most famous
and beloved men on the faculty.
A legion of local alumnae and
narrow-minded business men
sought a way to defeat the
school's progress in a branch
of education to which the world
has been denied free expres-
sion for centuries. The alum-
nae of Kansas City and St. Louis
object to this backward policy
and have expressed themselves
strongly that sex education is
something which cannot be
lpassed off and they heartily con-
gratulated the instigators of the
sex questionnaire. Dr. Brooks
was forced into this dilemma:
Either he had to expel these pro-
fessors or else have every state ap-
propriation to the University can-
celled. What could he do?
A shining example of the free
press policy of the Missourian has
been speedily and satisfactorily
put to the acid test and the sheet
canme out the worse for wear. It
has most discreetly forbade tread-
ing upon the toes of the "offend-
ers" and has taken from the stu-
dents the only editorial champion
that could protect them from the
Tribune. This latter is forced to
their conservative program by
their advertisers upon whom their
succor rests. The wraith of the
negro who was lynched from
Stewart Bridge would turn over
in his pungent grave should he
hear how the only Negro publica-
tion in town, "The Clarion," was
the only paper to stick up for the
students of the University.
Rather out of place for this is-
sue but extremely appropriate for
last month's is the little episode
of a trusting bootlegger. Demp-
sey is the name and "you know
me." The trouble is too many did
know him. Quite a systematic
business man by the way. Upon
arrival in town, he would station
himself at a phone and call up
Athens and take the orders. Then
he would write out his list, paste it
to his windshield and do his stuff.
Bearing all this in mind, it is
quite conceivable that somebody
or other really took steps to curb
the liquor business after all.
Dempsey was tagged after two
unsuccessful attempts on the part
of the police on his way from a
fraternity house. When these
boys got wind of the arrest, many
of them turned pale with fright.
"Good gosh," said one of them,
"just think how close we came to
not getting any!"
Now some more about this liq-
nor business. Within the space
of ten days, five students were
either made temporarily blind or
temporarily paralyzed. The rea-
son is this: With the inaugura-
tion of the Jones Act, alcohol is
being horded to a great degree.
In order to sell the stuff at the
usual rates to students, the boot-
leggers cut their stuff to the
ground with anything ranging
from water to furniture polish.
That old juvenile slogan may be
applied in this case: "If you
can't be good, be careful."
The managing editor wishes to
thank his engineering friends for
their kind offer of some free pub-
licity. He told me the other night
that no doubt he would make as
big a fool of himself if he took to
tinkering with a monkey wrench
as they did when they undertook
a journalistic project.
I guess the promise for a good
peppy campaign this spring is all
off after all. There seems to be
nothing stirring for the men's
jobs, whereas, on the other hand,
the girls seem to be getting all hot
and bothered over their W. S. G.
A. offices. Frankly, I would much
(Contticced on Next Page)
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
THE MUD PUPPY- Continued
(Continued from Preceding Page)
rather witness a good, catty
scratching session among some
girls than I would a fight to a fin-
ish among some drunk lumber-
jacks. The men's offices seem to
be fairly sewed up but don't be
surprised to see a few dark horses
bob up in the next few days. For
the Student President there is
only one possible man for the job.
He is Glen Degner. Aside from
being the only logical candidate,
he is one of the best suited men
for the position that it has been
the students' fortune to vote for.
From time to time there has been
some intimation that John Wal-
dorf and George Bucholz would
run. Both are good men but Wal-
dorf cannot combine the essential
qualities of football captain and
Student President; it is impossi-
ble. Bucholz, although a skillful
politician, is more suited to man-
aging campaigns for others but he
fails to attract a vote for himself.
The impression the student body
has is that Bucholz would not re-
alize the responsibility of such a
high office and various reports
have been circulated that are det-
rimental to his status as a serious
politician. Glen Degner comprises
those qualities that make for an
ideal candidate. He is clear
minded enough to realize the pros
and cons that are associated with
problems pertaining to the Uni-
versity and his action in dealing
with them will be entirely un-
biased and fair. He is enough of
a man personally to stand up for
what is right and not take orders
from a gang of little tin soldiers
that have preached the presiden-
tial policy of past administra-
tions. Degner's program will con-
sist of various movements to place
the financial programs on a firmer
basis and to adjust the Student
Council social functions so that a
majority of the student body can
take advantage of them. In con-
sequence the rates charged for
these festivities will not be as pro-
hibitive as before. Other than
that we may bank upon his ra-
tional judgment in dealing with
affairs that may arise during his
administration.
Attention has been called to a
possible opponent of Degner's.
This audacious culprit is Mr. A.
K. Lee of Independent fame. Mr.
Lee has continually been in the
race for recognition and popular-
ity and has so far succeeded in ob-
taming the former only. He as-
pires to every position that has a
"try-out" clause tacked on it.
But to those few who may doubt
his background as sufficient qual-
ification as a candidate, let it be
known that he was "chosen" the
president of the all-Sophomore
class and that he executed his one
and only duty perfectly: that of
not interfering with others. He is
an excellent barber shop debater
but his oratorical aspirations have
been curtly terminated by those
who select the University debate
team. But, my dear, CAn you
you IMAGINE him as the PRES-
idential speakER at HOMEcom-
ing or something Like thAt? I
can't and you can't, but he will
always say that two wrongs don't
make a right.
Now to get back to the women
(as usual). Virginia Nellis and
Sue Wass will raise ned for the
office of Secretary and Treasurer.
They are both excellent girls for
the office and rivalry between
them will be keen. I do not know
which one I shall vote for. Nellis
will have the larger sorority vote
and Wass will cop most of the
barb ballot but that shouldn't
make any difference to you when
it comes to a show-down. Wass
belongs to a sorority that isn't as
well known as Nellis' club and
will be impeded accordingly. You
can't make a mistake by voting
for either.
Redding is the only one visible
for the office of vice-president. It
is hinted by the Bug House
Spokesman that Buzz Baur will
favor the polls for the honor but
his popularity as a politician has
dwindled to the extent that Red-
ding will have little fear of his
competition. Redding, like Deg-
ner, comprises the most essential
qualities for this office. Give him
a big hand, boys and girls!
Freddy Ramsey is to be favored
over Miss Neihuss for the office of
President of the W. S. G. A. Al-
though the former may be run-
ning on her big sister's reputa-
tion, it is a good reputation and
we have every confidence to be-
lieve that we won't commit an
error when we vote her to the
post.
Lucy Wilson will oppose (just
a supposition, however) Margaret
Ott for the office of secretary and
treasurer of the W. S. G. A. Wil-
son is the better girl for the job.
Her record is admirable and she
possesses the right amount of
brains and ambition but unfor-
tunately the combine backing the
Pi Phi entry may swing the vote.
If you, as a voter, are interested
in seeing an office filled by the
better candidate, vote for Wilson.
We will all be relieved that the
elections will give us an oppor-
tunity to elect another editor of
the Missouri Student. Singleton,
through misguidance and his own
warped conception of the respon-
sibility of the post, has made an
awful botch of the job. Learning
by the example of his editor, Puss
Hahn will undo many of the mis-
takes committed by Singleton and
should make a very good editor.
His knowledge of newspaper
work and especially journalism
pertaining to a University organ
is quite complete and his keen in-
sight into.campus problems qual-
ifies him as the logical man. To
prevent another year of "Stu-
dents" such as this, elect Puss
Hahn. Brown, Singleton's "yes-
man,'' is too radical and although
a good newspaper man is more
adept at big city daily stuff than
a clever weekly such as the Mis-
souri Student might become. H.
R. Long, personally a very nice
boy, is too much a Singleton type
and his own egotism will be his
undoing if he is elected. He will
not listen to reason and lacks in
ambition what he makes up in
promises. This is an ultimatum:
ELECT PUSS HAHN FOR EDI-
TOR!
Well, having made my debut as
a political writer, I shall now
make my exit from this field of
indoor sport. It is regrettable
that there is lesser competition
for the men's offices but at least
we feel confident, that they shall
be filled by a competent group
well worth their trusts.
The annual pilgrimages have
descended upon Hendrix Hall and
have again failed to split the vote.
Society note: Peggy Lou Ott
wishes she were a dinner guest at
Hendrix Hall this evening.
Advertisement: Will some
(Continued on Page Fourteen)
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER
The Outlaw
Editor Business Manager
Edmee Baur Chick Nathan
Circulation Managing Editor
S. B. Bean Russell Silver
Assistants
Robert Williams John Bickley
Pat Herbert Bill Jackson Edward Humston
Voerge Yeager Ralph Daigh Hertha Beck
Publisher-J. H. NASH
Copyright, 1929, by the Missouri Outlaw. E xclusive reprint rights granted to (tLeJlHumor magazine.
FOOLISH OR SILLY
Just what does Foolish mean? We've often c
onsidered that question and being too lazy to consult
Webster (which is perhaps foolish) have just gone on
wondering.
It seems to us that when we are feeling especi
ally happy and letting the world know about it, some-
one will. exclaim in disgusted tones, "Don't be so fool
ish!"
Now if they mean to criticize us they are mist
aken, because we don't think it is wrong to be foolish.
Didn't Pat Henry, or somebody, say the pursuit of hap
piness was the inalienable right of the American peo-
ple, or something? And, also, didn't some other we
11-known moralist declare that you should laugh out
loud so the world can laugh with you'?
And now for the other side of the question. W
hen we are having a good time feeling sorry for our-
self way, way down and somebody, maybe the same s
omebody mentioned above complains, "Don't be so
foolish!"
What we want to know is why are both extrem
es foolish? Would it be foolish to stick to the in be-
tween, Happy Medium, that the ancient Stoics, or so
mebody, advocated? Somebody tell us, please, what
is foolish, if anything or everybody?
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
Other Campus Comedy
"I will show you how if you promise to do what
I say, and if you are willing to learn," said Gerald
to Ernestine, who was a game kid.
"Draw hard, pucker up your lips-that's the
way.'"
"Like this?" she asked, as her red lips gathered
into folds, forming a nice ring.
"That was fine; now lay back on the sofa. Hold
your head up and now-draw hard. Pucker your
lips just a little more-just a little more, dearie.
Now that was all right, but let's try again."
"This time he sat closer to her, put his arm around
her. "Now do it better-a lot better. The forma-
tion of your lips and mouth was not so good. Draw
hard-all right. Pucker up your lips. Make-gee,
that was good."
And the two sat cheek to cheek looking admiringly
at the rising smoke ring that Ernestine had made.
-Detroit Jabberwock.
"My doctor tells me I must sleep in the open air."
"Why not get a job as a night watchman?"
-Cincinnati Cynic.
The Height of Specialization
"I am a specialized humorist!"'
"Specialized, what do you mean?"
"I write nothing but the first lines for two line
jokes." -Yale Record.
"''ot a new suit?"'
"Naw. This is my roommate's new suit. I'm
breaking it in for him." -Wisconsin Octopus.
Visitor: Do you midshipmen have to work long
hours?
Mid 'n: No, everything here is regulation-just
sixty minutes each, ma'm. -Annapolis Log.
"You don't hear much of Florida any more."
"Florida? Florida? Oh, yes, of course-Florida."
-Cornell Widow.
Shiek: Could you live on twenty-five dollars a
week?
Flapper: Yes, but no longer! -Goblin.
She: Why don't you give me a nice fur coat one
of these days?
He: All right, I'll see if we can have one installed.
-Dartmouth Jack O'Lantern.
Judge: Look here; you're no preacher, are you?
Rastus: No, suh, Jedge, no, suh. Ah ain't no
preachah!
Judge: Then what did you mean by telling these
people you could marry them?
Rastus: Why, Jedge, didn' Ah pay you two bucks
fo' a marriage license last week?
-Black & Blue Jay.
Professor: So you'd like to be my secretary?
What are your qualifications?
Fair Thing: I'm absent-minded too.
-M. I. T. Voo Doo.
"Poor Bill lost control of himself yesterday."
"Well, well-I never thought he'd get married."
-Ohio State Sun Dial.
He was suffering from liver trouble and the doctor
told him that if he laughed fifteen minutes before
each meal his condition would improve. He was
having his laugh in a restaurant one day when a
man came over from the opposite table.
"What the dickens are you laughing for?"
"Why, I'm laughing for my liver."
"Then I guess I'd better start laughing; I ordered
mine a half hour ago." -Annapolis Log.
Lecturer from the Wild, Wild Woods: When the
bull moose-
Precise Agrarian (interrupting) : I beg your par-
don, sir, but a bull bellows. A cow moos.
-Yale Record.
Great Big Stoker: If my friendship means any-
thing to you, Percival, don't spit on your hands
every two minutes; it's vulgah.
-Carolina Buccaneer.
First Garbage Man: How are things going in your
business?
Second Garbage Man: Oh, let's not talk slop.
-Ghost,
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 13
"fdleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and
parliaments. You can get rid of the former at PARKS this
summer and more easily bear the latter afterward."
(With apolo.Ih to gihe uy w"ho conlain.d about the Stamp Act July 1st, 1765)
"THE VENDATTA"
Old Gold Cigarettes
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
FAMOUS PHYSICIAN RE-
LIEVES MANY ILLS;
HEALS WITHOUT POW-
DERS, PRESCRIPTIONS,
OR PILLS.
DOCTOR OUTLAW,
COLUMBIA, MO.
Dear Doctor:
I'm weary of worry,
I want to be bright.
I'd like you to hurry
And set me aright.
I'm ready to chuckle,
No longer to sob,
And ask you to buckle
Right down to your job!
10 Regular Visits ..-.........--.... $1.5Q
20 Regular Visits..... ............------- 2.75
30 Regular Visits .................... 4.00
Name ..... ------.----------
Address ----.----------------
City........... ................-------- Stat e.....- ............-
(Continued from Page Eight)
in real life. Miss Bryner handles
it well. All the restlessness of an
uncertain soul pervades her pages
after that fateful telephone call.
The book is not far-reaching
enough to be unusually outstand-
ing but it is an interesting psy-
choanalysis of the man who mar-
ried in haste-not once but twice!
MUDPUPPY
(Continued fromi Page Ten)
journalistic inclined Stephens'
College girl apply for the job of
being representative reporter for
the Outlaw? Her compensation
will be e the mdying love and grat-
itude of the editors. This is se-
rious, so call us up.
There is the charming story
afloat concerning the Pi K A that
called up Stephens the other night
and in a wee snua' voice asked the
operator at the institution if he
was on the black-list. "No, not
yet," was the encouraging reply.
After-Dinner Speech
1'm glad to see so many present,
It seems there were two Irish-
men . .
Our luncheon club is great and
growing
A rooster once said to a hen
Our country's strength is in her
youth,
A Swedish guide told this to
me . . . .
Business doubled in ten years,
Here's a hot one, tee, hee,
bee ..
Salacious plays must be sup-
pressed,
A friend of mine who likes to
pun . . .
Public morals must be saved,
Stop me if you've heard this,
one....
-Columbia Jester.
"Hey, mister, who discovered
America?"
"Ohio, sir."
"Ohio, you're crazy. It was
Columbus."
" "Yes, sir, I know. But I
didn't think it necessary to men-
tion the gentlemen's first name,
sir."
-Annapolis Log.
GAEBLER'S
CLUB
DINER
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 15
IN DEMAND-
College Men With a Knowledge
of Aviation
MORE than any other
industry today, avi-
ation offers you a
real opportunity. The
rocket-like growth of
aviation to a place along
side the automobile in-
dustry has created an
unprecedented demand
for young executives. Men with
a college education and a sound
knowledge of the flying business
are the kind that are wanted.
Aviation offers you as a college
man an immediate outlet for your
talents.- Unlike other professions
or businesses, it imposes no long
years of struggling to get recog-
nition. Aviation is growing so fast
that the men who go into it today
must be the executives
a few months from now.
The only requisites are
that you be trained men-
tally and physically and
that you give aviation all
the application and in-
dustry you would give
any other profession.
Here is a future you can be en-
thusiastic about. Here is an op-
portunity to show your ability in
a young, thriving industry.
A few months at Parks Air Col-
lege will give you the training that
you now lack and start you on
your career in the most fascinat-
ing, romantic and profitable busi-
ness open to a young man today.
Send in the coupon now.
Come to Parks this Summer
TWO months training at Parks Air
College this summer will fit you for
an airplane pilot's job. That's your
first step to success in the flying game -
and it's a substantial step, too, with
pilots drawing from $300 a month up.
From a place in the cockpit, it's then an
easy jump for the college man, to a posi-
tion in the executive office and unlimited
opportunity.
College men are coming to Parks be-
cause it is the largest non-military flying
school in the world, because it uses only
the latest type planes and equipment,
and because its corps of instructors has
an enviable reputation both as pilots
and classroom teachers.
A degree from Parks Air College will
mean as much, if not more, to your
future than your university degree will.
It will mean that you have successfully
mastered courses in navigation, aero-
dynamics, airplane design, rigging, air-
port management, aerial photography
and all the subjects an aeronautical
executive must know. It will mean that
you have completed a thorough shop
course in powerplants, from the big
Liberty, the Whirlwind and Fairchild-
Caminez to the little Velie engine..
Get your flying school training now.
A vacation spent at Parks Air College
will be the thrill of your life. Plenty of
flying, outdoor life, novel recreation and
a training that will bring you a substan-
tial salary when you graduate.
Spend this summer at Parks. Get into
aviation now. Every week you wait
means hundreds of other young fellows
are going in ahead of you. Send for our
illustrated booklet and get all the facts
about your opportunity in aviation.
PARKS AIR COLLEGE
A Photograph of Part of the Parks Fleet of Travelairs
Used in Training Students
16 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
" One man in New York dies every minute."
"Yeah, I'd like to see him."
-C. C. N. Y. Mercury.
She: I have said no to lots of men.
He: I never patronize peddlers either.
Freshman: Wait a minute, Bill. I want to go
lup to the room and wash up.
Roommate: All right, and while you're up there
you may as well change my shirt.
-Colgate Banter.
ARROW
TAILORS & CLEANERS
NANCY-MAE SHOPPE
DEPENDABILITY
'The Dependable 15c Taxi"
April, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 17
Jack Daily
Buchroeder's
(Con tinlued from Page Eight)
presents a picture of their lives
with those of three of them in
detail.
"Maliba's Daughters," like
"Porgy," should be read for its
excellent intermingling of the
comedy and tragedy, the humor
and pathos in negro life. But it
will be read in the future for its
record of the beginnings of the
negr(o's evolution toward a place
in art and the professions-a sig
nlifiant turn in the twentieth coen
tury which, as a twentieth century
novel, gives "Mamba's Daugh-
ters" the added strength of ap.
propiiateness.
"I want to see the proprietor.
Is the gentleman in?"
"Yes, I'm in."
"Are yrou the proprietor?"
"No, I'm the gentleman; the
proprietor is in the back room."
Penn. State Froth.
College Man (in telegraph of-
fice) : Now be sure these three
words are underlined.
-Reserve Red Cat.
Pooh! Pooh!
Edythe: I suppose that this
talk about a college man's life
being all wine, rwomen and song
is exaggerated.
Frederyck: It certainly is;
you very seldom hear singing in
the dormitories.
-Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
He: I won't graduate from
college this year.
She: Why not?
He: I didn't go.
-Minn. Ski-U-Mah.
Tramp: Have you a good
square meal for a hungry man,
missus ?
Lady: Yes, and he'll be home
presently, so you'd better go.
-U. of S. Calif. Wampus.
MODEL
LUNCH
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
J.C.PENNEY CO
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER 19
A man was buying a suitcase, but none of those
shown pleased him at all.
"When I buy a bag," he declared, "I like to
see some cowhide in it."
"Oi," said the dealer, "you should want tricks!'"
Big Meat Man: Hurry up, Jimmy; break the
bones in Mr. Williamson's chops and put Mr.
Smith's ribs in the basket for him.
Little Meat Boy: All right, sir, as soon as I
have sawed off Mrs. Murphy's legs.
-Denison Flaminigo.
"If you don't give up gin it will shorten your
life."
"Do you think so?"
"I am sure of it. If you stop drinking it will
prolong your days."
"I guess that's right. I went twenty-four hours
without a drink six months ago, and I never spent
such a long day in my life."
THE JUNGLES
Parsons
Sisters
Pioneer
Suspenders
VANITY FAIR
623
DEPENDABLE SERVICE
MISSOURI OUTLAW-FOOLISH NUMBER April, 1929
The
Purple
Shoppe
Prof: That play was barred
from Paris because of its lines.
Student: Yes, but it was later
produced in pantomime.
Prof.: Where's that?
-Notre Dame Juggler.
The absent-minded professor's
room quarters were at a fashion-
able lodging house.
"I say, Professor," remarked
a citizen downtown, "I hear that
there are twin boys at your
house."
"Migosh," replied the prof,
"don't tell me that I'm mar-
ried."
-Okla. Whirlwind.
I once knew a man from N. Y.
Who never ate peas with a F.
He ate with his knife
And in fear of his life
Had his implement covered with
C.
-Rutgers Chanticleer.
"Was it a rough party last
night ?"
"Yeah, is was gorgeous. I
was manhandled wonderfully."
-Texas Ranger.
Radke Store
DORN-CLONEY LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANING CO.
MARINELLO
BEAUTY PARLOR
GOLSON'S CANDY-SHOP
CAFE
CENTRAL
DAIRY
Camel Cigarettes