Missouri Outlaw Mystery Number January, 1930Missouri Outlaw Mystery Number January, 1930 20081930/01image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show193001Missouri Outlaw Mystery Number January, 1930; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1930
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The Missouri Outlaw
A New Feature
Cross Word Puzzle Contest
December, 1929 MISSOURI OUTLAW-CHRISTMAS NUMBER
IT HAD TO BE GOOD
TO GET WHERE IT IS
It is not by mere chance or
good luck that the Missouri
Outlaw has the good will and
backing of the student body.
Consistently publishing the
best that it was able has placed
the Missouri Outlaw in a posi-
tion by itself. National adver-
tisers will not use space in a
publication that has no sale
price. If the public is not will-
ing to spend its money for a
magazine, then they will not
value it highly enough for it
to be a profitable medium for
THINK this over. READ the
advertisers below. Surely such
an array of dominating firms
cannot be wrong in their selec-
tion of an advertising medium.
Put your dollars where they
are not wasted. Don't let a
highpowered salesman induce
you to throw your advrtising
AMERICAN TOBACCO CO.
P. LORILLORD CO.
STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON
CURTISS AIRPLANE & MOTOR
EDUADORIAN PANAMA HAT
HOOD RUBBER PRODUCTS CO.
LIGGETT-MYERS TOBACCO CO.
PIONEER SUSPENDER CO.
HECHT LEARS CLOTHING CO.
T. C. PENNEY CO.
R. J. REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO.
PARKS AIR COLLEGE
CURTISS FLYING SCHOOL
PARKER PEN CO.
KAHN TAILORING CO.
CUNARD STEAMSHIP LINES
ADLER-ROCHESTER CLO. CO.
CHARTER HOUSE CLOTHES
MARION R. GRAY CO.
Parks Air College
KEEN competition demands
that national advertisers use
consistent, well-planned, and
well-placed advertising. The
merits of a publication are
carefully weighed . . . its cir-
culation analyzed . . . its edi-
torial policy scrutinized . . . to
determine definitely in ad-
vance the results an advertise-
ment in that publication will
A few prominent national
advertisers who have chosen
THE MISSOURI OUTLAW to
represent their products are
mentioned on this page
such proof is convincing to
prospective advertisers .
gratifying to present advertis-
ers, and an added incentive to
better our efforts and put forth
an even greater MISSOURI
OUTLAW for the Missourians.
The Old Man Says "Farewell"
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 3
Vol. VII. JANUARY, 1930 No. 5
She: The World Is Full Of Ras-
cals-This Morning The Milkman
Gave Me A Counterfeit Half Dollar.
He: Where Is It My Dear?
She: Oh! I've Already Got Rid Of
It-Luckily The Butcher Took It
Friend Wife-Don't misunderstand
me my dear; I weigh my words be-
fore I speak.
Friend Hubby (scale inspector)-
Well, nobody can accuse you of,giv-
ing short weight.
She Tried To Be Agreeable
Sea Captain (introducing friend
to his old aunt)--"This is my old
friend Barker; he lives on the
"How interesting", murmured old
auntie, and, gathering all her wits,
she adds: "Then, of course, you
What becomes of the parts when
Who killed Cock-robin?
Who picks up the night when it
The Pi Phis
Why Scotchnen are tight
What is the matter with the last
Why vocalists have to sing in the
rain instead of inside?
How much did the Light Brigade
What is the stuff they sell for $2
A Perfect Substitute
Mrs. Lonebody- My husband is
away a great deal at night, and I
want a parrot for company. Does
that one use rough language?
The Dealer-Lady, with that bird
in the house you'll never miss your
Must Be His
"I found a half dollar in the park
"It must be mine-I lost one there
"But this was two quarters."
"Yes, I expect it broke as it fell
from my pocket"
Fare: How much to make the
journey to Versailles?
Taxi Driver: Three dollars.
Fare: That is far too much. Get
in the cab and I will drive you there
myself for half that.
Very Very Modern
Office Boy (tearfully): I want the
afternoon off, sir, it it's convenient
It's my poor old grandfather.
Manager: But I gave you a day
off last year to go to his funeral.
Office Boy: Yes, but I'm going to
try and get in touch with him at a
spiritualist seance this afternoon.
H: Was Your Wife Angry When
You Came Home Late Last Night?
W: Not On Your Life. She Over-
whelmed Me With Flowers.
H: How Did You Get That Black
W: Well, She Forgot To Take The
Flowers Out Of The Vase Before She
4 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
WRITE THAT MYSTERY
In everyone is a latent desire or
may I say instinct to write a mys-
tery story, be he peasant, pauper,
bushwacker, bushleaguer, racketeer,
profiteer, or what not Even the
most staid college professor has
this secret passion. You take up
your weekly magazine, read the
weekly installment of a weakly
story, written by a weak minded
author. You invariably remark,
"Why I could do better than that"
But could you, can you, will you?
I have never had a mystery story
published. In fact, I have never
had any kind of a story published.
I hope to someday, but until I do
I must devote myself to advising
There are several important fea-
tures of the mystery story. (These
points may also be applied to stories
written for juveniles or even im-
beciles.) First, is the plot. Although
a plot is not alsolutely necessary,
it is in good form. The best plot
for this type of story has a murder,
a mysterious murder with all the
doors and windows locked from the
inside and no clues that the ordin-
ary reader or character can see.
Thus, the necessity- for a super-
detective arises, a Sherlock Holmes
or a Philo Vance. The main idea of
a story is to suspect everyone in-
cluding your maiden aunt or Cousin
Minnie of being the murderer. In
writing some of my best mysteries,
I have sometimes even suspected
myself., Remember this; Never give
your reader any opportunity to gain
the upper hand. Keep him mysti-
The characters. What is a story
without charaters? Your mystery
story is no exception. The most im-
portant character of course is the
detective. He must be a quiet,
thoughtful individual; a pensive
smoker; an authority on phychology
and human nature; a'man whom
the reader may rely upon. You just
know he has everything figured out
and the murderer in a, corner from
the moment he first glimpses the
victim. The detective always must
have a slow-witted assistant or po-
liceman to suspect the wrong man
and to whom theories of crime may
be expounded. For love interest you
should include two young people in
some .way connected with the case
and whose future depends on out-
witting the villainous character.
Then there is the murderer - a
smooth, quick-working individual
with a mind only second to our
master detective's in horsepower. He
or she must never under any cir-
cumstances be the one, the reader
suspects. Minor characters include
the butler, maid, cook, plumber, and
others, all of whom have something
sinister about them. For instance,
the time when the plumber's tools
were found under the cushions of
the living room sofa.
Conversation. If you have ever
read a mystery story, you know
how the conversation goes. For
example: Detective Ames, the emin-
ent Bernard Ames of Scotland Yard,
retired, arrived at the murder and
immediately took charge. Pipe in
mouth, and reading glass in hand
he surveyed every inch of the room
and suddenly stopped before, some
ashes on the floor.
"I say, Grafton, did you notice
this?" Ames bent over the little
gray heap as he spoke to his friend
"Why no, I didn't." Gerald Graf-
ton, retired stockbroker and physi-
cian, closely examined the object of
the detective's interest, "What is it?"
"Cigarette ashes. Do you know
what that means?" Ames asked,
"I can't say that I do, what does
it?" puzzled Grafton.
Ames blew out a great cloud of
smoke and answered slowly, "Some-
one has been smoking in this
"Good Lord,, you don't mean - -
Ames, you're uncanny!" cried the
(Continued on page 11)
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 5
What would a mystery by without these?
The rich old bloke who gets bumbed off!
The gun that did it!
Suspected (English) butler
Thug used to throw reader off scent of murderer
Scene of horrible horrible crime
Footprints on the door step
The German cook
Irish detective-note cigarettes and accessories
His crazy assistant
Chauffer who was fired a week before the crime
Our dear heroine
The hero-he too is suspected, but of what?
The chief who had charge of the case
And the author-the scoundrel who is at the bottom of it all
6 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
Wherein a Bullied Boy Becomes a Hero
and Wins the Fair Maiden
Robin "Reddie" Wills went to col-
lege small in stature but not in am-
bition for he remembered his mo-
ther's advice to do "something great,
or at least something beautiful" to
make up for his lack of height. Up-
on meeting Jade Fitzroy at a dance
he is suddenly entranced with her
although she wears the pin of his
bullying fraternity brother, Randall
Lewis. Although he has humiliated
Reddy before Jade, Rand refuses to
apologize as the peace-making bro-
thers suggest. Reddy is furious.
Several days later, Reddy saw her
again, this time on the campus. He
attempted to pass by, unseeing. It
was the only thing to do. But he
could not resist her voice.
"Hello, Hight-hat!" she cried.
He walked up with her to her
class. There was no mention of the
affair of the previous night, present
in both their minds. He kept look-
ing at her sideways. He was re-
freshed by her vivacity. Like a
dash of cold water, he told himself.
He noticed her clean-cut short finger-
nails. "I'm glad you haven't china-
man finger nails," he told her. And
they engaged in an innocent discus-
sion of chinaman's finger nails.
When she left, Reddy bit his lip till
Like the period of sluggish inertia
between tides was the wait till the
next dance. Reddy found himself
trembling for another evening near
Jade, but he asked Mable French,
blonde, popular, and slangy, and of
course, petite. While she was being
rushed, he stood on the sideline,
keenly observant of two dancers in
particular but principally one- in
green. Reddy felt slightly delirious
over such consuming envy as de-
voured him. He laid in wait for
Rand like a cat for a mouse, ready
to pounce if circumstances permit-
ted. He imagined a situation where
Rand should insult Jade, where she
In the opinion of the editor
this is the best story ever sub-
mitted by a student It is very
interesting and worth your
would become half-angry, half-
afraid, where he would rush in with
his sword and decapitate Rand in a
duel. He never even reached the
fadeout, but was rudely awakened
from his reverie to see Jade and
Rand disappear from the room. They
stayed disappeared for a small half
hour which seemed to Reddy to be
as long as the medieval history of
England. During this particular
half hour, Reddy turned quite green.
One of the fellows accosted him
and understood. "Well, well, so little
Nap has met his Waterloo - and
so young too - Lawd, Lawd, have
mercy on his soul-" his voice died
down in the distance .
On the rebound, he sought Mable
out and they danced. If Reddy had
had eyes for her, he would have
noticed her high color, faltering step
and decidedly unfeminine breath -
all of which denoted that Mable had
very recently indulged in a sip -
in fact, several sips. But Reddy's
eye was on the open door.
"Poor li'l Robin Redbreast - he's
sad in the winter - he wants the
spring-" she cooed.
"Oh cut," he snapped miserably
and carted her around the room so
fast and furiously that even those
blase persons took notice, including
the chaperones who raised their eye-
Then, at length, the party broke
up, agreed to adjourn at a road-
house, the Caballero, which was
strictly Spanish with imported Span-
ish bullfighting waiters from Ho-
boken and ornamentation that
would have passed for exotic in
Spain. The men who did not drive
cars, conferred with those who did,
and after a heavy conference ob-
tained back seats, if necessary, serv-
ing themselves as seats. Reddy did
not have a car and to-night, con-
sumed with more ponderous mat-
ters, he had passed into a coma of
"Reddy," demanded Mable, "who
drags us?' '
"Why," remarked Reddy, "I for-
got." And he rushed to various
owners, all of whom had premedita-
tively and purposely engaged their
back seats to someone else.
"For heaven's sake, Bob," he beg-
ged one, "hunt me up a bus. I can't
afford a cab."
"Don't worry, old man," Bob pro-
mised magnanimously. "I'll get you
He dashed up to Rand who with
Jade was just climbing into his
snappy little roadster. "Room for
two?" he queried.
Rand's love affair was at that
stage where he would have prefer-
red to be alone with it, but Rand's
checking account was also at a
delicate stage where it needed bol-
stering, or at least temporary retire-
ment. The back-seaters would have
the privilege of enriching the coffers
of the Caballero. "Certainly." He
waved his arms generously. "Send
There was sly handshaking and
shady winks between Bob and some
of the other men. "They both fell
for it," he laughed. "Now they've
got to make up. Finesse, men, fin-
To Reddy he shouted," rumble seat
over there," cautiously leaving
names unmentioned and making a
hasty getaway. One by. one, the
others drove off till only a roadster
was parked. Reddy dislocated Mable
from the lamp post and headed her
for the car in a trot.
"Jump in," invited the male figure
at the wheel, turning around.
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 7
"Rand!" ejaculated Reddy with a
"So it's you," Rand's voice was
"Come on, Mable," commanded
Reddy drawing her away. "We'll
call a cab."
"Reddy!" Jade's voice. "Please,
come on. We won't go without
you -" Persuasively.
"The devil we won't!" barked
"Rand, either they come with us
or I leave with them."
That clinched matters with Rand.
"All right," he conceded, morosely.
Reddy thought of the sweetness of
Jade's proximity, and was tempted.
It would be the fair thing to do for
Mable's sake. Silently, he assented
and they slipped in as the car slid
on to the road.
It was Jade who kept the atmos-
phere from complete fog, as much as
was within human power. She ut-
tered light nonsense with such a
droll air that at any other time
there would have been a constant
unanimous ripple of laughter. Silent-
ly, Rand drove with topping speed.
Reddy somberly stared ahead.
"Li'l Robin," asserted Mable,
"won't even chirp - not even one
li'l stingy chirp." She continued to
break in on Jade with sundry and
slangy comments. Reddy quickly
noticed her drowsy tipsiness and
Rand took the corners like hurdles
using just two wheels. There was a
remark of his Scotch-like thriftiness.
Then silence - until they heard the
beat of a motorcycle in the rear.
"Slow down, Rand," Jade caution-
ed. Reddy realized fully the sound-
ness of this advice but he refrained
from giving any further counsel,
even till the last. The fool, he
thought. He'll get us all in trouble.
The cop had now caught up.
"Stop!" he yelled on one side. "Stop,
Rand," cried Jade on the other, pull-
ing at his arm. For answer Rand
raced sullenly, stubbornly on. The
pursuer became unnerved. He tried
to curb Rand by dashing ahead.
"For God's sake, Rand, stop!" cried
Jade tearfully. Rand swerved the
car to the side towards the motor-
cycle. Both stopped - the cop un-
They were all pale and stunned
with fear. Rand, wide-eyed, nerv-
ously wrung his hands. Mable
sniveled and clambered out Jade
and Reddy followed, momentarily
dizzy and stricken. Rand stuck
fixedly to the wheel. They found
the man unconscious, his leg crush-
ed, and part of the motorcycle under
"Back up," Jade commanded
Rand's face was wan and for a
moment it seemed as if he had not
heard. Then with a roar, the car
backed up, lurching to the opposite
side of the road and swung down
the drive, the doors swinging and
banging in the wind.
They all felt overwhelmed, sicken-
ed. Reddy was chilled with horror.
then he gripped himself and look-
ed up. There were other cars park-
ed around and just beyond was the
Caballero, with its jazz din symbolic
of another, far-off world. No one
seemed to have heard the collision.
No one came running out. It accen-
tuated the unreality. Reddy walked,
then ran inside the roadhouse. His
crowd gathered around him and
followed outside. Soon the ambu-
lance came and sped away with its
The crowd noticed Jade and
Mable. Where was Rand and the
car? They asked Reddy, then Jade,
then Mable. No answer. But
eventually they understood. Some-
how they bundled the three into a
car and drove them back, crushed
and stilled. Mable stumbled inside
the dorm. Reddy held Jade's hand
mutely and they each read the
other's agonized look. Then Jade
There were glaring blatant ac-
counts in the morning paper. The
officer had gained consciousness
after his leg was amputated. He
knew it had been a roadster. Noth-
ing else. Reddy sat on the edge of
his chair, thinking - thinking .
He was tremendously sorry for Jade
and Mable. And Rand. He hadn't
known Rand was that bad. Un-
principled, criminal, cowardly. Oh,
but why all this useless philosophiz-
ing. It was done and that's all. It
was done. A blood-red stain on the
frat. A rotten shame.
Late in the morning, he dressed
and wandered listlessly down the
steps. Voices in the front of the
house. Rand's roadster, mud-stain-
ed, out in front He walked into the
room of the voices where a wave of
murmurs assailed him. He saw the
dean, stern and explosive, standing
importantly in the middle, the chap-
erones, looking very much concern-
ed, the fellows, downcast, openly
ashamed, Mable, swinging her legs
perched on the arm of a chair, Jade
. and Rand slunk in a corner
his back to the world, his chin low-
ered to his chest.
"Glad you came, Wills. Assume
you know something about this."
The dean speaking.
"At your service, Sir," volunteered
Reddy with a pleased air, drawing
himself up to his full height"
The dean continued: "Now here's
the synopsis of last night's little
episode. An officer of the law was
intentionally and brutally knocked
down and mangled by a roadster.
This morning, Miss French whispers
it about the campus as a secret that
Lewis, Wills, Miss Fitzroy and her-
self were in that car when it hap-
pened, Lewis driving. One of Miss
French's confidents who happened
to be a member of a rival frater-
nity, passes the word on to me. Now
the police know nothing of this.
They have no suspicions. But, so
help me, if I find this murderer, I'll
turn him in. The men have all ad-
mitted that you four did drive off
in that car. In fact, they fixed it
that way. "He turned to Reddy and
Jade. "Now I want your confirmation
of this report. And if you tell me
the truth, I'll leave everybody out of
it ,except the culprit. You first,
Wills . ."
The feeling held by the fellows
was prevalently one of utter dejec-
tion. Surely Reddy who had been
treated so abominably by a rival,
would not hesitate to denounce him
- especially when a denunciation
meant truth. In their minds they
had thrown up their hands in the
act of drowning, thought outward-
ly they maintained a passive in-
Reddy, strangely enough thought
not of Rand or Jade or of the matter
at hand. He thought of his mother
- and what she had said.
"Sir," spoke Reddy lightly and
with a tinge of pride, "I think the
men will also agree that Miss
French - well, not meaning to be
ungallant - but, Sir, last night -
Miss French was in no position or
mood to witness anything. Frankly,
she was extremely unbalanced."
Swelling gasps of astonishment
filled the air and topping them all,
Mable's ejaculation: "Well, I'll be,"
and her groping for support which
was not the effect of liquor.
(Continued on page 11)
8 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
DEAN JONES' SON
A Story of Hectic College Life in Ten Parts
M. T. (Marvin Theodore) Jones,
the wildest boy at Monatauck Uni-
versity and the son of Dean of Men
Jones decides to make naive Rose-
mary Dale respect him although
sophisticated Kitty Parsons, whom
he has always adored, warns him
that Rosemary is too innocent for
his type. Then M. T. takes Rosemary
to the Univee Hop where she proves
to be popular with two of his frater-
nity brothers, Chuck Allen and Billy
Cash, among others. When M. T.
asks Kitty how he can keep Rose-
mary from dating everyone who
asks her, Kitty cryptically replies
that she has discovered Rosemary
knows how to take care of herself.
Later Rosemary persuades M. T.,
Chuck and Billy to take her to a
road hous. After several weeks of
abstinence M. T. breaks down and
imbibes freely. Next morning he
comes to in the Beta Kappa House.
Although M. T. had not yet open-
ed his mouth, Chuck, oddly, seemed
to read his mind.
"That little girl can take care of
herself, I'll tell the universe," he
.commented with an attempt at
humor as he raised himself on his
elbow to look at the alarm clock
which ticked annoyingly on the
dresser. "Gosh, my head", he moan-
ed and sank back again.
"What do you mean?" M T. stir-
red himself from the last vestiges
of the fog enveloping him. As he
did so a large lump on his other
side pressed against him at the
same time emitting a low grunt
which sounded like "Shut up". M. T.
realized that finally he had slept
successfully three in a bed, and the
middle one at that
"Plenty", Chuck grinned reminis-
cently in spite of his head.
His room-mate, Ray Baird, now
fully awake, remarked happily,
"You finally picked out a girl your
speed, huh, M. T.?"
"Why, Rosemary's just a darn
cute kid. Full of pep-regular baby.
She' as - " be began his well
sung littany but, seeing the signi-
ficant glances being exchanged be-
tween the tousled specimens of col-
lege youth surrounding him, stop-
"Sweet .n'innocent as a flower, of
course", finished Chuck. "And she
was peppy enough and babyish
enough to inveigle that rotten Jean
Valjean to desert Alta Prince and
take her home instead."
"That was Jean with Alta?" He
well. remembered the pale, weak-
mouthed fellow dancing with the
vampish Prince. No wonder he had
felt an instant disgust for him - W.
L. Valjean, familiarly known as
"Jean Valjean", the notoriously dis-
solute son of the town's most pro-
minent banker. "But I didn't know
Rosemary knew him."
"She didn't. But when I told her
who he was she flirted with him so
violently that he cut in as soon as
he could. Oh, boy, what a girl!"
"My, gosh -" M. T. was beginning
to see daylight "And what happen-
ed to Alta?"
"Unfortunately for Billy he was
the one who cut in on her so Jean
could make Rosemary's acquaint-
ance. When they realized Jean and
Rosemary had left for good he had
to offer to take her home. Then I
retrieved you from under the table
and between the three of us we
managed to dump you in the rumble
seat Boy, it was a hard night!"
"And the first time I ever saw you
pickled," Ray told Chuck. "Say, I'd
like to meet that hot baby."
"No sir," Chuck was emphatic.
"We're having a hard enough time
holding her down without your help,
n'est-ce pas, Jones?"
M. T. didn't answer at once. It
was a shock to realize that Rose-
mary was - a hot baby. She had
certainly fooled him. And Kitty, too.
That was what Kitty had meant by
her cracks last night. Just the same
she was still adorable. Chuck was
right. There were enough, too many
men swarming around her. He had
discovered Rosemary and he meant
to'keep her -for himself.
"What do you mean, we?" he ask-
Naturally M. T. was the object of
a good deal of. razzing the remain-
der of the day. Billy and Ray con-
sidered his misinterpretation of
Rosemary's character too humorous
an occurence to keep to themselves.
However Chuck. didn't join them.
For one thing, Rosemary had ruin-
ed his lilly white record of abstin-
ence. When they teased him about
it, secondarily, he looked hurt rather
than amused. For another he seem-
ed .quite fond of Rosemary himself.
At first M. T. was puzzled as to
what to do about Rosemary. Funny
that such wide blue eyes, such
golden curls and such a rosebud of
a mouth could belong to such a mis-
chievous little devil. Somebody
ought to spank her - hard. When-
ever he thought about how she had
fooled him a queer, heavy pain in-
vaded the region of his heart. He
might have known that a girl such
as he had imagined her to be was
too good a thing to be true. He had
to laugh, ironically, when he remem-
bered what an ideal daughter-in-law
he had thought she would make for
his sweet, little mother. Gosh, he
guessed that Rosemary had dis-
illusioned him. He, M. T. Jones, the
most sophisticated of all the jellies
at Monatauck University disillusion-
ed by a little devil of a freshman
who looked like an angel.
Finally he called her up although
his future plans were as yet vague.
"Oh, Mar-vin", Rosemary cooed
as usual and his heart, the crazy
thing, jumped a beat. You did pass
out last night, didn't you?"
"Why did you run off with Val-
jean?" M. T. disregarded her.
"You're not mad are you?" she
asked solicitiously. "He was so nice
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 9
to me that I said he could take me
home when I saw that you weren't
going to be able to."
M. T. wondered if she were laugh-
ing at him to herself as Kitty did.
She was entirely too serious - for a
sophisticated girl. Well, he wasn't
going to eat her sarcasm as he did
Kitty's. She was such a little thing!
"You bet I'm mad", he said as
gruffly as possible. 'You could have
let Chuck or Billy take you home.
I'm not going to let you run around
with every rotten bum who asks
you to, Rosemary."
Rosemary laughed deliciously. "I
guess you'll have to spank me, won't
"Well, I am going to punish you,
you little devil. Doing anything
"Do you mean you want a date
then? O-oh, Mar-vin, you're not
really mad at me. Because, a date
- with you - isn't a punishment."
But whether Rosemary believed
him or not, M. T. meant to punish
He was a little late for his date
Tuesday night because he stopped
first to have the gas tank filled up,
the oil changed and the radiator
filled in his Dad's rather antiquated
Marmon touring car. Rosemary, her-
self, opened the door for him in a
trim little suit of sky-blue flannel
and the inevitable pink felt hat.
"I'm all ready for a nice long
ride',, she told him, anticipating his
thoughts. "There's going to be a
georgeous moon later."
She snuggled up to M. T. and he
wrapped his right arm tight around
her when they had swung out into
the highway. Swift mile after mile
dropped behind them as the old
Marmon's well-kept engine nosed
into the blackness beyond the head-
lights' glare. Rosemary twittered
some times, revealing the queer
little thoughts that passed through
her wise, yet childlike mind. Some-
times she was silent, her eyelids
closed like a good little girl ready
M. T. looked at his wrist watch.
It was almost ten-thirty. Time for
all co-eds to be in their sorority
houses on week nights. But Rose-
mary said nothing about turning
back. Maybe she didn't realize yet
how late it was.
At eleven they swung into the
half lighted streets of Metropolis, a
somewhat larger town than Mona-
tauck and useful as a place for Uni-
versity students to amuse them-
selves away from the supervision of
the university authorities. M. T.
helped Rosemary out at an obscure
little cafe. In the usual dim back
booth in which such places special-
ize M. T. mixed the moonshine,
which he had not neglected to bring
along, with their ginger ale and
they smoked and drank alternately.
This time M. T. sat next to Rose-
mary, as closely as possible, instead
to across from her as he had done
that time he took her into the Mona-
tauck Cafe. And this was more fun!
Why, he had been afraid of her be-
fore, as much as he was of Kitty,
thinking how superior her morals
were to his.
An hour later he looked at his
watch again. And this time Rose-
mary finally peered at it, too.
"Midnight!" She giggled, "Oh, gosh
I think it is fun to stay up late,
"I think you're all wet," said
Rosemary with finality.
don't you, Mar-vin?"
M. T. looked at her sternly. She
was entirely too frivolous for her
own good. Now was the time to start
the punishment which he had so
carefully thought out for Rosemary's
"It's too late to go back to Mona-
tauck tonight, Rosemary." He held
her two soft little hands in his dis-
engaged one as he looked into those
blithely opened eyes. 'We'll have to
"What do you mean?" asked Rose-
mary just as he had planned that
"I mean we'll stay at the hotel",
M. T. told her in spite of the in-
convenient thickening of his adam's
apple We can register under an as-
sumed name. I thought Mr. and
Mrs. Theodore Dale would sound
nifty. What do you think, honey?"
But instead of the expression in
her wide blue eyes changing to con-
sternation M. T. saw that they were
"I think you're all wet," said
Rosemary with finality. Somebody
would be sure to recognize us. You
anyway. Besides, Marvin ( and this
time she did not coo) I might like
you a whole lot but only enough to
be your girl friend, not your para-
mour. Do you understand me?"
with that she stood up abruptly,
pulling on her little gloves and M.
T. saw that it was time to go.
In all his foolish career he had
never felt more of a fool he admitted
to himself as he drove the old Mar-
mon relentlessly homeward. Instead
of taking Rosemary down she had ta-
ken him for a - long -- ride. If
not frightened he had at least
thought that she would be indign-
ant. Kitty would have been. Why,
darn it, any decent girl should have
been. He had never intended to go
through with the bluff. He under-
stood the risks it involved even
more than did Rosemary. But he
had thought it such an excellent
chance to point out to her just what
kind of a girl boys would take her
for if she made it a practice to leave
tough road houses with men like
Valjean the first time she ever laid
eyes on them.
After a while Rosemary cooed,
"Slow down a little Marvin-boy
and don't be mad at Rosemary."
Good Lord! She still thought he
had been serious! She probably
thrilled to think how primatively
she had aroused him. Yet he obey-
"There's that big, old shiny moon',,
continued Rosemary, "That I came
out purposely to see." She clutched
his arm tightly. "Look, Marvin,
doesn't it look georgous .climbing
over those trees."
Marvin slowed down even more.
Yes, there, sure enough, was the
moon. And it hadn't been up for an
hour. Why, Rosemary must have
known that it rose late this month
when she proposed their automobile
ride earlier in the evening. It was
no mischance on her part that she
had stayed out with him so late.
Suddenly he swerved the car into a
dark, side lane and turned off the
"Um-m", sighed Rosemary as he
(Continued on page 16)
10 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
He: Darling, Don't Tell Anybody
We Are Engaged Just Yet.
She: Only Lily. She Always Said
I Would Never Find A Fool To Mar-
Judge: And what is the charge
against this man, officer?
Officer: Battery of a lady, your
Prisoner: Say, that wasn't no
lady; that was my wife.
Oh Ho: Did ya hear about Flo
Ziegfield glorifying the American
Ah Ha: No. Whatsh'er name?
1st Barber: Why did you elimin-
ate that customer from the studio,
2nd Artist: Ah, he got too dand-
Urban: Let's go to the Emporium
and see the bear skins.
Rural: No, sir: You don't get me
to go to none of them burlesque
Jimmy (coming running) - Oh,
Mrs. Johnson, an automobile ran
over your husband on the bridge!
Mrs. Johnson-Oh, mercy. Is he
Jimmy-No; he was sitting under
the bridge fishing.
Guest - Say, waiter, how long
must I wait for that half chicken I
ordered a half hour ago?
Waiter-Until some one comes in
and orders the other half. We can't
go out and kill a half chicken.
CROSS WORD PUZZLE CONTEST
Interest in the Missouri Outlaw
Cross Word Puzzle Contest is gain-
ing momentum for answers to the
second puzzle crowded closely on
each other's heels. First honors go
to Ed Hupert, 506 Maple, whose cor-
rect answer was received a full day
ahead of those of other contestants.
He will receive the first prize of
$5.00. One year subscriptions to the
Missouri Outlaw for the next four
correct solutions are awarded to
Mildred Gamble, 306 Hitt, C. W.
Wood. 709 Hitt, J. Rudolph, 301 Hitt
and Rufus Grace, 708 Missouri.
Billings: Why All The Smiles 01
Satisfaction I See You Wearing Ev-
Monty: Bought An Apartment
House Several Weeks Ago And My
First Tenant Was A Former Land-
Chaplain: Didn't you consider
your future, young man, when you
embezzled that money?
Convict: Yes, sir. I put it straight
into the savings bank.
This Bored Age
"Why do you look so bored, child-
ren? Why don't you play a game?"
"We are playing, mummy. We are
playing at being grown-ups."
A Friend's Warning
Two tramps met in a village.
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for work."
"Then clear out quick There's
plenty to be had."
Gamma Phi Betas
What he sees in her
What she sees in him
Why they laughed when I sat
down at the piano?
Why an ancient prejudice has
What a whale of a difference a
few sense make
Who wrote this
What is funny about this?
The Preface to a Touch
Mr. Goodsole-Cadger tells a piti-
ful hard-luck story.
Mr. Pstunge -- Yes, it's quite a
Better Than "Nothing"
Uncle Sammy- Dat dorg is ma
best friend, an' I wouldn't sell 'im
Brownie-I'll give you 50 cents for
Uncle Sammy--He's yo' dorg.
Didn't Dare Hit Him
Hector: Father, one of the boys
at school said that I was just like
Father: What did you say?
Hector: Nothing. He was bigger
Male: What Is The Most Out-
standing Contribution That Chen-
istry Has Given The World.
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 11
(Continued from page 7)
Grandiloquently, the cynosure and
sensation of the moment continued.
That is, Reddy spoke: "I discredit
her story." There was a gleam of
unmistakable worship in Jade's
eyes which was not lost on Reddy's
mind. Rand had turned with a gap-
ing mouth and wonder-lit eyes.
"It's true," Reddy recovered, "that
Rand drove us down in his roadster.
There we saw this poor fellow
stretched out . . .We made Rand
drive off in case police should come
along and take the poor boy for this
criminal. He did, and we went in-
side for help. That's all, sir."
Mable's head wagged gravely
from side to side. Everyone seem-
ed mute. The men looked at each
other, a mixture of enigmatic and
delighted faces. Rand slid to a chair
"That," said the dean, "is very
hard to believe. As Miss French's
escort I have every right to think
that you were likewise intoxicated."
"But," ventured Bob, "Reddy
would never have defended Lewis
if it wasn't the truth - they've been
inveterate enemies. Anyway Reddy
can always carry his liquor." This
last delighted Reddy enormously.
"What do you say," the weakened
questioner turned to Jade. She was
breathing quickly with suspense.
"It's true, of course", she said de-
"Well." The dean grumbled and
cast a last curious glance at Mable.
"I'm glad you men are not to have
this stain against you." He stalked
out accompanied by the chaperones.
They watched him disappear
down the walk. Then the spell
was broken - pandemonium was
ushered in - Reddy was hoisted to
the ceiling. The rejoicing was great-
er even than that reserved for the
victorious homecoming football
team. "But, is it true?" asked one
And the general chorus: "Of course
not - didn't Rand confess to us this
morning?" And they sang, "He's a
jolly good fellow." They patted his
shoulder. Rand shook his hand and
Once back to earth, he turned to
Mable: "I'm sorry to have said what
I did - but I had to -- the fellows,
you know-" She forgave gracefully.
He glanced at Jade and Rand. They
were walking slowly to the door,
talking earnestly. His heart sank
with each step. He saw Jade look
up at Rand appealingly. Rand
'S A Good Idea
A: The doctor says I should stop
B: Stop eating what?
A: Seven times a day.
An Apt Pupil
Old Mr. Fewlox-"Don't you think
in time you might learn to love
Young Miss Goldilox-"Well, if I
had a nice young tutor I might
learn the theory of it."
She Was Using It
Ella-Got any gum?
Stella-Yes, but it's busy just at
Complying With Conditions
The Lawyer - Your aunt's will
provided that her dog should die a
natural death before you could suc-
ceed to its inheritance. I trust you
can prove the animal's death was
Mr. Nexkin-Sure can. I fed the
mutt a few grains of strychnine and
death naturally ensued.
In Spite Of His Education Aloy-
sius, The Bright Student, Still
Thinks "Canada Dry" Is A Slogan
Of Canadian Prohibition Interests.
bowed his head and left the room.
With the step of a victor, Reddy
walked to her side. She turned to
him, her eyes intense with admira-
"Did you know I love you?" she
said. Then: "Well - I do."
He had an uncontrollable desire to
take her in his arms and kiss her
till exhaustion and till eternity, but
he refrained and contented himself
with looking down at her and whis-
pering. That is, le refrained - till
the others had left the room.
(Continued from page 4)
excited Grafton. "How did you make
"Have you noticed that smoking
stand at your elbow, my dear Graf-
ton?" Ames replied smiling indul-
Now with proper suspense,
screams, high winds, a thunder
storm, and the murderer properly
cheating justice by diving off a cliff
into quick sand or the like you have
your story written and one-fourth
of your task is done. The other
three-fourths is getting your story
into print. Some writers advise
starting low in the scale of the
magazine field and going up; but I
personally urge starting with the
Atlantic Monthly, Century, or Forum
(not advertising) and as each rejec-
tion slip comes in, send your manu-
script to a magazine lower in the
scale. The great advantage of this
system is the amount of rejection
slips received. Also, another manu-
script may be substituted for your
own. I once sent an editor a story
called "The Murder of the Missing
Link" and had returned to me
"Confessions of a Floorwalker." It
was so interesting that since then I
always write "Please substitute" on
all return envelopes.
After you have sent your manu-
script or a manuscript out many
times, you will find that your col-
lection of rejection slips has mount-
ed up. Do not destroy these slips.
Use them for wallpaper, give them
to the kiddies to make paper dolls,
make collecting them your hobby
where others collect stamps. I have
a beautiful album, myself, and can
point with an amount of pride to a
Rhodesian Home Journal, an Alger-
ian Animal Hunter, and many
others, all different and first edi-
tions. If you are interested, the
Gordon Artificial Paper Weight
Company has a free booklet "The
Rejection Slip and Its Many Uses."
In conclusion I advise you to
start writing when the impulse is at
its greatest height, then the cure
may be permanent So get out your
typewriter and start that mystery
Kind of Him
Gentleman on Boat-I don't feel at
all safe in this leaky old boat.
Boatman-Don't you worry, sir. If
anything happens I'll take the
12 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
The Two Wise Men
A Short Story
"You may expect anything cover-
ed since the last examination in the
one tomorrow. This test of knowl-
edge will give those who are lagging
and desirous to regain their stand-
ing another chance. To those who
have maintained a social hour or
slept during my lectures, I extend
my sincere hopes and the advice to
burn a little midnight oil and study
their texts. That is all for today."
So declared Professor Wilmer Irv-
ington to his class in Applied So-
ciology the day before the big exam.
Some members of the group stay-
ed after the others had filed out to
ask questions. What was Mendel's
law? Did Professor Irvington think
the present Russian theories would
lead to disorganization and de-
moralization eventually? Would
Professor Irvington please repeat and
explain Durkheim's law? When all
had finally gone their way, the pro-
fessor hurriedly gathered up his
books and papers, stuffed them into
a large brief case, and headed for
the mimeographing department
downstairs and the desk of the head
of that department.
"Here are the questions for the
examination in Applied Sociology,"
he said and handed the girl a fold-
ed, typewritten paper he had taken
from his inside coat pocket. "Print
one-hundred copies and have them
ready by nine o'clock tomorrow
morning. Thank you." And, taking
brief case in hand again, he left for
When Professor Irvington men-
tioned those who made social hours
or slept during his lectures, he prob-
ably had in mind especially "Heck"
Bigmer. "Heck" could make an
enemy line look sick or knock a
baseball into the next state, but
when it came to Applied Sociology,
or Horticulture and General Astron-
omy for that matter, he just could
not raise his batting average. How-
ever, "Heck" knew that he did not
know and therefore he was wise. In
his wisdom he picked Charley Am-
bledon for a roommate. Now Char-
ley did not know, knew that he did
not know, but knew ways to get by
regardless, therefore he was brilliant.
Under the circumstances it is not so
significant that "Heck" came to his
room after Professor Irvington's en-
couraging lecture fully imbued with
the idea that suit-and-necktie-mate
Charley could save the day. And
Charley endeavored to please.
"And so if I flunk that Applied
Sosh quizz tomorrow, I'm sunk.
Sunk, that's all." "Heck" impressed
upon Charley for the sixteenth time.
"You say," Charley said thought-
fully, "that I can wear your red tie,
that new shirt, and borrow five
bucks if I can figure out a way to
put you through. Well, listen to
this. I know the dame that has
charge of the questions for.that
quizz. She's in the mimeographing
department; and she told me where
they're at. Now all we have to do
is get them, you study the answers,
and pass the exam. Isn't that
"Yeah, it sure is. About as simple
as an Egyptian cross word puzzle.
Did you forget that the questions
ain't just free for the asking?"
"That is the hardest part, but
here's the lay. There's a window on
the north side of the mimeograph
room that isn't near any lights.
Madge, that's the girl I was telling
you about, says the windows are
left unlocked. Lazy janitor, you
know. Well, one of us stays on the
outside while the other goes in and
gets the questions. No, how's that?"
"Suits me." said "Heck."
No one saw two figures move
stealthily up to a window away
from any lights on the north side of
old Bolton Hall, open that window,
and climb in. Madge had been on
the level all right. Here was the
desk and in the. upper left. hand
drawer were papers which a guard-
ed flashlight revealed bore the
"Applied Sociology Quizz" at the
top. Hurry up, take a couple. Leave
everything the way it was and get
out Lower that window. And safe
in the room at last Say, old Jesse
James, himself, would have been
proud of that job. And, this is
really putting one over on old Irvy
in a big way.
Professor Wilmer Irvington was
reading his customary morning
newspaper over his customary
grapefruit and remarking that the
To Save Himself
Magistrate: But if you were doing
nothing wrong, why did you run
when the officer approached you?
Prisoner: I thought that he want-
ed to try to sell me a ticket for the
policeman's annual concert!
The Name Explains
X: How long has Mackie been in
Y.-Judging from his typewriter
ribbon, I should say 57 years.
Chinese Nationalists had been de-
feated again, when his wife inter-
rupted his observations.
"Oh, Wilmer, is this paper any
good? I found it in your coat pocket
last night when I was getting the
suit you wore yesterday ready for
The professor took another mouth-
ful of grapefruit and absently un-
folded the paper. He gave an excla-
mation of annoyance.
"What do you know about that: I
gave a copy of the questions for last
month's quizz in Applied Sociology
to the mimeographer instead of that
for today. These are the questions
for today. Both papers were in my
pocket and I guess I handed the
girl the wrong one. There was no
date on it. Well, I'll just have to
write the questions on the black-
board." And Professor Wilmer Ir-
vington of Applied Sociology turned
back to his grapefruit and newspa-
Messenger: My Employer Has Re-
quested Me To Present This Bill To
You For Settlement
Liet. Briggs: Well! Well! May I
Congratulate You On Having Ob-
tained A Steady Job.
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 13
Before It's Too Late
"Why are you running?"
"I am going to my future father-
in-law. I have just seen in the pa-
per that he has gone bankrupt."
"You want to help him?"
"No, I want to break off the en-
One In Reserve
Marie: If you could have two
wishes what would. they be?
Viola: Well I'd wish for a hus-
Marie: That's one,
Viola: And then I'd save the other
till I saw how he turned out
Keeps A Collection
"So our engagement is at an end?"
said the man,
"It i," replied the girl.
"I suppose you will return the
"Certainly, if you wish it. Call
round some evening and we'll pick
The Necessary Doctor
Mr. Timseed-I see by the papers
our congressman's been made a 'doc-
tor of laws.
His Wife-I reckon that's so he
can write doctor's prescriptions un-
der the Volstead law.
Accidents Will Happen
Judge-You are accused of break-
ing a chair over your wife's head.
Accused-Your honor, it was a
Judge - What! The striking of
Accused-No; the chair breaking.
Alphonse-It doesn't take much to
turn a girl's head, does it?
Hilda-Evidently not. I noticed a
silly-looking creature looking back
at you just now.
First Coach-Why, I thought you
said if your football team became
vegetarians they would'win all their
games. How do you account for
those they lost?
Second Coach-Why, the opposing
team threw garden bugs on my men
and they became afraid.
A Very Faint Voice
Lawyer for Defense (addressing
jury) - Gentlemen, remember that
my client's hearing is very poor, and
that's the reason why the voice of
conscience has appealed to him in
Miss Dimpleton (fishing for com-
pliments)-Don't you think my dou-
ble chin is terribly unbecoming?
.Mr. Coldfax (politely)-Nonsense,
my dear lady; one is more beautiful
than the other.
His Happy Days Ended
Mrs. N. (returning from three
months' vacation) --Alma, do you
think my husband has been longing
for me while I was away?
Alma-I hadn't noticed anything
until yesterday, when he seemed
Them Wiser City Folks
Farmer Perkins - Of course, all
cows give milk, miss!
Miss Citygal-That's strange! I
thought some of them gave beef tea!
Reggy-She is the picture of
Jane-Yes, remarkably well paint-
Our old friend Voerge Yeager a-
gain receives honors for his literary
contributions to the Mystery Num-
ber. Yeager must have all the rest
of you humorists bluffed because he
seems, through no fault of ours, to
hold monoply in his field. To "Abie"
Elfenbein and Pete Andrews are
awarded prizes for the best draw-
James-I've always had a great
luck in love affairs.
Lucille-Why, what do you mean?
Aren't you unmarried?
James-Yes, that's just where the
luck comes in.
It Was Always Thus
Nan-Donald is certainly tickled
with his new mustache, isn't he?
Belle (with shy blush)-Yes, but
not half as much as I am.
Never Had to Worry
Mother: I wonder who it was that
never folded his clothes when he
went to bed?
Little Lawrence pulled the bed-
clothes over his head and answered,
Bunk: I Understand From Good Authority, He's Writing For The
Bink: Well, It's True In A Certain Sense. They Were Delayed In
The Mails And He Wrote And Asked To Have Another Copy Sent
14 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
Whiz: Then you can depend on your chorus?
Bang: Yes, you can count on girls with figures like that.
At dinner a little girl became
highly elated at discovering the
wishbone of the chicken on her
plate. At this her little brother re-
"They're stupid things. I've had
three wishbones and daddy hasn't
got a motor car yet"
From the Question Box
"Is it the mission of the newspa-
per to mould public opinion?"
Old Subscriber-No; it's to keep
the public opinion from becoming
Husband (sadly)-Do I have to
throw away my pipe also?
Prohibition Wife - No; the chil-
dren might want it for a relic.
Teacer: Willie, can you tell me
how matches are made?
Willie: No, Miss, but I don't blame
you for wanting to know.
Teacher: Why, what do you mean?
Willie: Mother says you've been
trying to make one for more than
Truth Above All
Teacher-So you confess to being
the one who wrote on the black-
board, "Our Teacher Is a Mutt'?
Teacher-I'm glad that for once
you've spoken the truth.
This Lad Knows
"With a single stroke of a brush,"
said the school teacher, taking his
class around the National Gallery,
"Joshua Reynolds could change a
smiling face into a frowing one."
"So can my mother," said a small
My, What Hairl
The business man were talking
about their employees.
"Well, old Johnson has grown
gray-haired in my service."
"I've got a girl with me who has
grown yellow, brown, and red-hair-
ed in my service."
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 15
Publisher- J. H. NASH
Copyright, 1930, by the Missouri Outlaw. Exclusive reprint granted to College Humor Magazine.
JUST IN PASSING
Sadly, the Old Man ponders over the keys of his typewriter, for this Mystery Number of The Missouri Out-
law may be his adieu to the world of Mizzou. A group of enterprising young journalists have long coveted his cherish-
ed work for their own. Another month may see it established in their hands if proposed plans work out aright
Once The Old Man was a student as eagerly enthusiastic as these to build a truly great comic for the University of
Missouri. There were hard struggles as in any young enterprise but each year of its life has seen The Missouri Out-
law expand - in quality of contributions, in circulation and in established advertising which marks it as a medium
worthy of consideration.
It is difficult for an Old Man whose horizon has expanded beyond the limits of the University to adequately
conduct a magazine by and for it. Thus he will turn over his brain-child to a strictly student group with the
hope that their continuous contact with Columbia will produce upon the firm foundation he has so earnestly striven
for a greater magazine, representative of the humorous as well as the more serious sides of life at Missouri; a
magazine praised and upheld by every Missourian for it will contain the very essence of their University.
To his friends who have so faithfully helped to make The Missouri Outlaw what it is today, the Old Man
extends his sincere thanks and best wishes for their future success.
16 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
Other Campus Comedy
"Hellol Hello! Who is this?"
"Who d'you want?"
"I want Joe Plotz. Are you he?"
"No, I'm Knott."
"Well, who are you?"
"No, not Knott Watt I simply am
Knott. And what's your name?"
"Watt's my name."
"Yes, that's what I asked. What's
"Correct as the dickens. I'm Watt
"Say, are you trying to be funny?"
"Certainly not I'm trying to tell
you that my name's Watt"
"Oh, I see. You're Watt I'm
"Who's being funny now? Don't
kid me, son."
"Aw, shut up!"
-West Point Pointer.
Doctor: It's a boy, Professor.
Prof. What is?
-West Point Pointer
Am enclosing hotel bill.
Don't buy any more hotels.
She: What have you for a young
Saleslady: What does he want?
Jones: A fellow wrote me a letter
saying he'd shoot me if I didn't keep
away from his wife. I'm terrified.
Smith: Why don't you keep away
from his wife?
Jones: He didn't sign his name.
-Amherst Lord Jeff
The Eve of St. Agnes
It was the night of the annual
Celestial Ball. St. Peter was there
in all his glory. Never had he been
such a perfect bouncer. St Patrick
and his band had never been so
hot. Never before had there been so
many beautiful angels present
St. Vitus had come stag. He was
having a glorious time. Never before
had he met so many beautiful
cheruBIMS, seraphims, or what
have you. All at once he noticed
one beautiful angel standing alone
in a corner. He started elbowing his
way through the crowd. Finally he
reached her side. Just as the music
started, he slipped his arm through
hers. She became nervous, she
trembled, she fairly quivered.
"This," said St Vitus, "is my
-Reserver Red Cat
"I'm bringing a red, red rose as
long as I can get by without or-
chids," says Joe Scotch.
Street Car Conductor: Your fare,
Old Maid: Thank you, sir.
And then there was the absent
minded college professor who drop-
ped a nickel in his pants pocket and
put his hand in the beggar's hat,
dismissed his class and went to his
very inefficient stenographer, and
came home and kissed the maid and
said good afternoon to his wife. But
maybe he wasn't so very absent-
--C C. N. Y. Mercury
"Have you been getting a hair-
"No! I just had my ears moved
down an inch."
-West Point Pointer
Prof: Your ancestors were monk-
Sweet Young Thing: Gee, wouldn't
they be proud of me?
Oh, To Be A Cat
Maria Cat: Tom is surely leading
a pretty fast life?
Tabby Cat: Yes, he's already on
In Paris the other day, an Ameri-
can was arrested as a suspicious
character. He had an American
passport, American clothes and an
American accent, but in the restaur-
ant he had not ordered liquor!
-M. I. T. Voo Doo
"I saw you groping in the land of
inebriation last night"
"Liar! That was a gutter of ce-
-Penn. State Froth
Oy, Oy, Oy
An oyster met an oyster
And they were oysters two.
Two oysters met to oysters
And- they were oysters, too.
Four oysters met a pint of milk
And they were oyster stew.
A pedestrain is a girl who doesn't
Wife: Breakfast is ready, dear.
Hubby: It can't be - I haven't
heard you scraping the toast.
January, 1930 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER 17
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
M. U, Lunch Room
French Guide: What do you think
of that immense tower over there.?
American: It's quite an Eiffel!
"Have you heard the Prince of
Wales' new song?"
"No, not yet."
"Over the bounding mane."
Just because you have a Roman
nose don't think you can have Rom-
S -Colby White Mule
Mac: Has yer son an ear fer mu-
Moe: Weel, I dinna ken, but he
shure gotta good stomach fer steak!
-Ohio State Sun Dial
(Continued from page 9)
took her in his arms for their first
Glimmerings of dawn lightened
the sky as they neared the out-
skirts of Monatauck. M. T. didn't
want Rosemary to get into trouble
for getting in so late. Gosh, he was
mad about that little devil now. She
was wild, all right. And yet she
could take care of herself. Why,
she was smarter than Kitty, who.
was too snooty, or Alta who was too
obvious. Rosemary had all the ad-
vantages of both the good girl and
the naughty girl because she could
make you think she was one while
she was really the other. He decided
on a plan that would straighten
things out for her although it would
be embarassing for him.
"Rosemary," she was dozing
against him. "It's so near morning
maybe we better stay out a little
longer. If you get in just before
breakfast you can tell them you
spent the night with Kitty Parsons.
Kitty's an old friend of mine and
I'll go around and fix it up with
her right away."
But Rosemary laughed sleepily.
"Kitty of all people! Why she just
detests me ever since she discovered
how big I'm going over, didn't you
know that, Marvin? Never mind
about me. I've handled situations
like this before." Undoubtedly she
(To be continued next month)
18 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER January, 1930
Dentist-"Will you take gas?"
Absent-minded Motorist-"Yeah and you'd better look
at the water, too."-Malteaser.
Johnny-"For two cents I'd knock your block off."
Bill-"Get away from me, you dirty professional."
"Hear the latest?"
"The queen gave the king the heir."
A beautiful young lady boarded the street car.
"Oi, lady," pleased Ginsberg, Ginsberg & Ginsberg,
Incorporated, "please don't sit underneath my advertise-
ment." -College Humor
"Hear about the fellow who invented a device for
looking through a brick wall?"
"No, what's he call it?"
"A window, sap!"
"Do you have any trouble with shall and will?"
"No, the wife says you shall and I say I will."
He (fastening the little girl's dress) - Didn't your
mother rook this?
She-No sir; she bought it.
Mother (examining daughter's wardrobe): "Did you
go to the prom this year, my dear?"
Daughter: No, mother, I ripped that shoulder strap
playing tennis."-Voo Doo.
Tramp--"Morning', ma'am; kin I cut your grass for
Kind Old Lady-"Of course, but you don't need to cut
it; at it just as it is.-Voo Doo.
Prof.-"Now, Mr. Blatz, what countries are on the
other side of the Yangstze Kiang?"
Stude.-"Well, professor, it all depends on just which
side of the dang thing you are on at the time the ques-
tions to be answered."
Traveler-"Do you call this a fast train?"
Traveler-"Do you mind if I get off and see what it's
A lady was entertaining a small son of a friend.
"Are you sure you can cut your own meat, Willy?"
"Oh, yes, thanks," answered the boy politely, "I've
often had it as tough as this at home."
Arrow Tailors & Cleaners
Poole & Creber - J. M. C. Market
20 MISSOURI OUTLAW-MYSTERY NUMBER - January, 1930
Missouri State Life
Red Robbin Waffle Shops
Campus Drug Store
Taylor Music & Furniture Co.