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The New Showme
J.C. PENNEY CO.
The New SHOWME 1
"I fainted and they brought me to. So I fainted
"Well, then they brought me two more."
"Did you make the debating team?"
"N-n-no. They s-s-said I w-w-wasn't t-t-tall
It's no chill wind that rustles among the fig leaves.
There was a young man from Missouri
Whose sweetie went off in a fury.
When she said, "I've a figure!"
He replied, "Well, I beg your
Pardon, but I'm from Missouri."
"We are now passing the most famous brewery in
Berlin," explained the guide.
"We are not," replied the American tourist, as he
hopped off the bus. -Octopus.
He-"You're the kind of girl mother spoke to me
She-"You're the kind of man mother spoke to me
Art: Mary told me she worshipped her figure.
Dave: What did you say?
Art: Nothing. I embraced her religion.
"She's a nicely reared girl."
"Yes, she looks good from the front, too."
The New SHOWME,
The New Missouri "Showme"
The Missouri Outlaw Combined with
The New SHOWME
Editor-in-Chief, MELVILLE HOHN
Business Manager, GEORGE BAKER
Assistant Business Manager
Exchange Editor, C. CALHOUN MOORE
Contributors: Blaine C. Bigler, Betty Huey, Winston Copeland, George L Brinkmann, J. Bickley, George Cos-
mos, Herbert Hukriede, F. R. P., Robert Williams, Robert Crockett, Ralph Daigh, Ben Weinbach, Wesley Mattson,
Kenneth Kraft, George McCue, Danny Safier, Lynn Mahan, and Kathryn Bidstrup.
Copyright, 1930 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Exclusive reprint granted to College Humor Magazine. Published by Sigma Delta
Chi as the official humor publication of the University of Missouri.
Address all communications to the Showme, care Herald-Statesman, Columbia, Missouri.
THAT laughing old marauder, The Missouri Outlaw, disappears into the pages of a more truly Mis-
souri comic. Members of Sigma Delta Chi introduce with this issue the Missouri Outlaw com-
bined with The New SHOWME, official humor publication of the University of Missouri.
The SHOWME should fill a long-recognized campus lack for a humor magazine similar to those
published at other colleges and universities.
The task of preparing this first issue without an organized staff has proved exceptionally difficult.
It was lightened by the large number of contributors, the readiness of University officials to aid, and the
support of the fraternities and sororities.
Now at least the foundation has been laid, and with a complete staff at work, we ask you to expect
more in our next, the Politician's Number.
The New SHOWME 3
THE ROAD TO THE
THE SHOWME, in order to
follow even more closely your
idea of what the magazine should
be, is putting on a "What I Don't
Like About THE SHOWME"
contest. The plan is for all busy-
bodies who love to run other peo-
ple's affairs to write to us telling
what they think should be done.
Here are printed prizes, quali-
fications, list of judges, and oth-
er information of value to con-
The prizes: (1st) An alley-
bred Maltese cat, complete with
a litter of nine (9) kittens; (2nd)
A plush-padded parlor stereo-
scope, with a set of Yellowstone
Park views thrown in; (3rd) A
copy of the very latest Congres-
sional Record; (4th) Menus from
various local cafes.
All letters should be written in
pencil. Neatness is not required,
for if you think we are going to
read them, you're funny.
They must be mailed on or be-
fore Labor Day, 1940. Address
them to the Contest Editor, and
make the addresses respectful
Opinions expressed in the let-
ters must necessarily agree with
those of the judges. Should they
not, the contestant is automat-
Ten (10) demerits will be en-
tered against letters written on
paper napkins, tissue, Kleenex,
and blue or pink stationery.
The judges will be: We con-
sider this none of your business.
Anyway, we have enough trouble
without having to give lengthy
justifications of our decisions.
"We've had four electrocutions
this month," said the warden,
"and the current expenses of this
place is getting something aw-
The room was still dark. Sud-
denly the light was turned on.
And then-then-the two faces
were close together. His face was
grim and tense; the other face
was white and small with two
slender hands pressed tightly
against it. It was these frail
hands that riveted his horrified
gaze. His stare was hopeless,
tragic; for that other face was
the face of his clock, and those
little hands told him that he had
overslept, and was late to his first
Among other things which
may be down but not out is a
nine-day old mustache.
On Missouri Examination
Divorce is a social problem be-
cause it happens in the best of
Marriage of one man to one
woman is monotony.
The girl I hate
Is Louise McGrath,
She uses my soap
As she sings in her bath.
A college man is known by the
photographs he keeps.
Old Joe College says that for
his he'll just take Quaker girls,
because they don't believe in
4 The New SHOWME
Who's Who at Mizzou
Although Archie Downing, Alpha
Gamma Sigma, is not in school this
semester, his past record entitles him
a place among any grouping of out-
standing students made at this time.
Arch, a member of Mystical Seven
and Blue Key, has activities includ-
ing the chairmanship of Barnwarming
and the junior managership of Farm-
Virginia Bidwell has long been
prominent in women's campus activi-
ties. Virginia is vice-president of W.
S. G. A., secretary-treasurer of the
Journalism Students' Association, and
society editor of the Missouri Student.
She is a member of Gamma Alpha
Chi and Alpha Phi.
Elizabeth Fyfer, Kappa Kappa
Gamma, is well known as a leader in
women's activities. At the present
time Elizabeth is president of the Y.
W. C. A., a member of the W. S. G.
A. Council, and a member of Mortar
Hugh Terry, president of the sen-
ior journalists, is one of the best ad-
vertising students in the School of
Journalism. This year Hugh served
on the Memorial Drive and Charity
Ball committees, and took part in the
Journalism Show. He is a member
of Alpha Delta Sigma and Sigma Nu.
Roger Taylor, Delta Tau Delta, has
won fame as a rifle marksman. He
is the present national inter-collegiate
rifle champion, has a seat on the Stu-
dent Council, is a former Student Sen-
ator, and is a member of the Missouri
Committee on Inter-collegiate Ath-
letics. He is also a member of Delta
Berkley Mann is Cadet Colonel of
the infantry regiment of the R. O. T.
C., a member of Scabbard and Blade,
and state commander of the Pershing
Rifles. He is a member of Delta Sig-
ma Pi and Kappa Sigma.
The New SHOWME 5
THE NOODLEBAUM MURDER CASE
I consider myself fortunate indeed, to have had
the Noodlebaum murder case as my first big as-
signment in the Missouri School of Journalism.
The fiendish murder of Sigfried P. Noodlebaum
is safely behind the bars for life now, as every
reader of the press well knows, but the almost
miraculous solving of the case by Padlock Homes,
the pride of Scotland Yard, has never before been
made clear, except to the few who were directly
connected with the case.
Sigfried P. Noodlebaum, retired young Columbia
millionaire clubman, who made a mint renting
places in registration lines, was found dead in his
bed on the morning of January second, a knife
still sticking in his jugular. The Columbia branch
of Scotland Yard was notified at once, and seven
detectives in assorted disguises arrived immediate-
ly, accompanied by the
fire department and a
Phi Kappa pledge
hunting good locations
for Student Council
dance posters. After
twice and cross-exam-
i n i n g Noodlebaum's
butler and cook, the
crime experts estab-
lished beyond doubt
that Noodlebaum was
dead at the hands of
an unknown murderer.
No valuables were mis-
sing from the house.
Noodlebaum was not
known to have an enemy, and clues were lacking
except for the knife, which bore no fingerprints.
Such were the conditions when Padlock Homes ar-
rived on the premises the following day.
"Mr. Homes", I said, doffing my hat as he left
the throngs held back by cordons of stalwart po-
licemen, "I'm just a cub reported so it would be
a scoop for me and the Showme to be allowed in
there with you." The famous sleuth smiled and
requested the officers to let me pass. To my dy-
ing day I shall admire the human qualities of the
Nothing had been touched; even the dead man
lay there on his back and I shuddered as I noted
the glassy eyes, the open mouth, and the knife
buried in his juglar. After a few hasty glances
at the room, Padlock removed from his pocket a
double-barreled, high-compression, ninety-horse-
power magnifying glass with which he examined
minutely the bed, the floor, the window, and fi-
nally the knife. Something caught his attention.
Removing an envelope from his pocket he scraped
a bit of dust into it, then seemed to be following
a line across the floor to a small table on which was
a "Radio Rex" mechanical dog, of the variety that
jumps from a box when released by vibrations of
the human voice. This seemed to interest him im-
mensely, and he wrapped it in paper. Very care-
fully he wrapped a partially burned match also.
Next he examined the ceiling, and after a final in-
spection of the room, asked to be closeted alone
with James, Noodlebaum's butler, who, with the
cook, was the other occupant of the house. Two
minutes that seemed an age dragged by, and fi-
nally Padlock emerged from the room with a know-
ing gleam in his eyes.
"I'll be back this af-
ternoon," was his la-
conic statement as he
strode out the door to-
ward a waiting taxi.
After receiving the
assurance of the police
that I would be allow-
ed back into the house
later, I dashed down
to Dad's Popcorn
Stand to refresh myself
for the trying mental
ordeal ahead of me. I
ate one sack of pop-
corn and put another
in my pocket to stave
off starvation should it
be necessary to remain in the death-house all night,
then I hastened back for fear I'd be absent when
the master mind of the microscope reappeared. My
hunch was well-founded, for I had just entered the
door when Padlock himself sauntered in, smoking
a cheroot, and accompanied by Harold Fishback,
who had been Noodlebaum's best friend.
"So you and Noodlebaum used to be roommates",
Fishback cleared his throat, coughed two or three
times, and answered in a heavy voice, "Yes, poor
old Sigfried, I knew him well. We bunked to-
gether for three years in college."
"Mr. Fishback", Homes enunciated coldly and
accusingly, "you have a cold-you're hoarse!"
"Why, no-that is, yes-that is-what do you
mean, Mr. Homes?" coughed Fishback nervously,
"Padlock removed from his pocket a double-barreled,
ligh-compression, ninety-horsepower magnifying glass."
6 The New SHOWME
Phi: "You say Jack is kicked out just because he is color blind?"
Bete: "No, I said it was because he couldn't tell the difference between
shades. He thought he was tossing a note in his girl's window and it was the
"Fishback," Padlock almost
yelled, "why did you do it?"
Crying like an infant, Fishback
fawned at the detective's feet,
clawing at his pants and shriek-
ing hysterically, "He deserved it
-he deserved it! Oh the skunk!
When he hid my tux the night of
the Pan-Hell dance, I vowed he'd
pay if it took a lifetime!"
At Homes' suggestion, two
powerful plainclothes men, dis-
guised as the Smith Brothers,
dragged the blubbering blighter
into an adjoining room. An hour
later he was lodged in the city
jail, but not until Homes had se-
cured a complete written confes-
"Marvelous, Mr. Homes," I
cried, when the police had carted
Fishback away, "How on earth
did you do it?"
Padlock Homes smiled, care-
fully selected a fresh cheroot, and
accepted some of my popcorn as
he seated himself in an over-stuf-
fed chair. "A comparatively easy
job, my boy," he said, attempting
to cover his brilliance with mod-
esty. "Do you see this ash?"
It was the dust I had seen him
deposit in the envelope. "Well,
this is the ash of a fuse com-
monly used to set off gunpowder
charges. This match lighted the
fuse, and this mechanical dog
struck the match. Fishback was
clever, but not quite clever
I was a squirming mass of
curiosity, but I hesitated to rush
the miracle man on his story.
Seeming to enjoy my impatience,
he smiled and finally continued.
"Here's what happened. The
mechanical dog sprang from its
set position when released by
some sort of rasping sound. It
struck the match, which was pin-
ned to the table, thereby light-
ing the fuse, which was tied to
the table. The fuse was a long
one, and had been trained up the
wall, through that little staple
you see on the picture moulding,
across the ceiling, and hung over
that chandelier above the bed. At
its end was tied the knife. Nat-
urally, the burning of the fuse
Yet so not-yet-able,
And gently entrancing;
Such beauty enhancing
E ye s.
An Irishly puggish,
Real short and juggish,
Composite and wholly,
Yes, body and soully,
Though she's roly-poly,
released the knife, which plung-
ed into the victim's throat.
"On questioning the valet, I
learned that Noodlebaum always
slept on his back in the middle
of the bed, and snored loudly.
H aving been Noodlebaum's
roommate, Fishback knew of
these eccentricities. It was the
snoring, you see, which agitated
the sensitive disc and set off the
Homes stopped, as though in a
daze, and the only sound was the
crackling of the popcorn. Unable
to stand the suspense any longer,
I blurted, "But Mr. Homes, how
did you know that Fishback, and
not the valet, or the cook, or some
other person acquainted with
Noodlebaum's nocturnal habits,
was the culprit?"
"Oh," laughed Padlock, "I sus-
pected him as soon as I learned
he had a sore throat. If you re-
member, Fishback was so hoarse
he could hardly talk. I was posi-
tive the murderer was hoarse, be-
cause he left these," and he re-
moved two small white bits of
fluff from a paper.
"Why, what are those?" I
"Horse-feathers!" came the re-
The New SHOWME 7
At college we learn things infinitesimal;
Drink liquor that causes disorders intestinal,
And walk beneath moons of rich old gold
And marvel at numbers one coupe will hold.
In our heart is a silent varsity song,
As we jelly and mill in the prof-bored throng-
And a haunting fear creeps into our life;
That we put out a pin and drag in a wife!
Illusions and petticoats fast disappear,
And we might even turn to occasional beer.
Often we park 'neath a tempting moon-
A co-ed's technique can develop so soon!
We learn to like men with a Bradstreet rating
Along with absorption of classroom prating,
And hope Dad's patience and bank account
Will last till we marry the right amount!
When a woman relaxes to pay her due taxes
To a man who has shown her some fun,
She sighs and she cries as he pours out his lies
Of the love he may have for this lovable one.
She dreams of a castle, of robes with a tassel,
Of children to lavish her love on, or some.
She sighs in the moonlight and cries of her spoon-right
And yearns for those things which make loved ones so dumb.
But he, in his stupor, seems naught but a dupe, or
A slow thing that doesn't know what it's about.
He sits and he talks, or he mopes when he walks,
And instead of soft whispers he gives up a shout.
Then her love-thoughts are shattered, all tittered and tattered
And she goes on, disgusted with love's hope, and doubt.
Ears with rings of gold, and sash
Of flaunting red-March, the buccaneer,
Is singing on the high, green hills,
Strong and swift and bold-he is here!
His shouting laughter fills the skies,
He pours the wine of Youth in rushing streams,
The sun is sharp on his cutlass of steel-
This bearded vagabond of wild, free dreams.
When as to bed my Dina goes,
Methinks these newly fangled clothes
That scarcely hide her twinkling toes
From any little breeze that blows
Can hardly seem to half inclose
The symmetry that sweetly flows
Beginning with her saucy nose
Down past those laced and ribboned rows
Of these things we see at fashion shows
Built not to hide but to inclose
The charms the modern co-ed knows.
8 The New SHOWME
"I'll fight it out on this line if it
takes all summer."
ONE HORRIBLE NIGHT
Gosh, how it's raining . . Tor-
rents . . . Currents . . . Streams
. . . Cats and dogs . . . It's pitch
dark . . . Darn it . . . My engine
is stalling . . . It has stopped .
x-&-*xx . . . Guess I'll have to
get out and walk . . . I'm sinking
in the mud . . It's over the tops
of my shoes . . . Which way will
I go? . . . Doesn't make any dif-
ference . . . I'm lost anyway . .
Soaked through and through .
Feel like a thousand wet hens
. . I'll keep on going though . . .
I have to . . . I can't stop . .
Maybe I'll run across a sign or
something . . . And find my
whereabouts . . . More plowing
through the mud . . . Gosh but it's
dark . . . Nothing in sight
Wait a minute . . . Isn't that a
post over there? . . . Sure it is
. . .What does that sign on the
post say? . . . Guess I'll have to
climb up and see . . Gee but this
post is slippery . . . At last . .
It's so dark I can't read what's
on the sign . . . Have to strike a
match . . . My last match too . . .
Well here goes . . . What does
the sign say? . . . Oh hell, "Wet
Faith, Hope and Charity, three
beautiful sisters, were the pride
of Junction Center. Faith, tal-
ented as well as beautiful, ceased
to get her mail in the home town
one spring and took up the quest
of fame, fortune and fizzes in the
Success did not dog her foot-
steps until she met a big-hearted
gentleman who was willing to put
her in the front row of the cho-
rus. From job hunting to chorus
was one step and a short slide
brought her to an apartment on
Riverside Drive. Lolling in the
lap of luxury she thought sud-
denly of her sister Hope, still toil-
ing in the rural regions. There
are enough saps for two said the
clever Faith, and forthwith she
sent a telegram. telling her next
oldest sister to pack her over-
night case and come make her
This girl was up to the minute.
"'Twas a pitiful case," said the man,
as he threw the last bottle away.
abode amid the chocolate cover-
ed pains of the big city.
Two nights, a diamond neck-
lace and a town car later, Faith
met the sister at the station and
drove her to the Riverside apart-
ment. Intensive cultivation and
natural ability, inherited from a
father who had been accustomed
to idling around a livery stable,
soon brought Hope on a par with
her sister; this par being about
97 points above market quota-
Two months, a country house
and a chauffeur later the sisters
thought of the duckling, Charity,
the youngest of the family and
still in Junction Center, seemed
a waste of natural resources so
a telegram telling her to come at
once was sent and the two sat
back to await the arrival-with
two big-hearted men from Cal-
The train arrived and three
minutes later the sisters arrived
on the scene ready to protect
their sister from making a step
that might ruin her career in the
city. There stood the duckling
in furs, jewels and glad rags,
with trunks piled around her and
a chow dog on a leash.
MORAL: Charity began at
The New SHOWME
A co-ed, once, I hear men tell,
Took a trip down into hell.
The Devil let her, at her request,
Run Hades just as she thought best.
She built up fires until it seemed
The entire universe was steamed!
She ordered wines the Devil said
Were much too hot and far too red.
She kept later hours than imps could stand
And stood shivering when devils fanned!
With a boiling tear in his steaming eye,
Satan was forced to say goodby.
He said, "Go back to Old Mizzou,
We're too damn tame down here for you!"
Critic: He only paints in the nude.
Co-Ed: Indeed, I should think the police would
Hotter than hot-and if you
don't like that expression, get an-
other cooking apple out of the
basement-but it can't describe
the little flame I have in mind.
Her name is Bonnie, and she's as
neat a little twist as any you
ever saw. Her act was singing
the blues in Benson's, in that
little old town on the Mississippi,
and I don't mean Paducah.
Bonnie had been digging some
of the best boys in the worst
places, and at that time held de-
cisions over some of the smooth-
est Oscars in the state. There
she met Wily Anderson, just out
of Yale-by the rear door! He
was a good boy, his folks said so,
and all the old Keeley alumni
agreed he could throw them.
Wily was drinking giggle-juice
when Bonnie came out and sang
"Love Me!" with gestures, so he
did. They were married, his
folks cut him off without a nick-
el, and no one was kind to them
but the stock.
She is now only a bird in a
giltless cage, and poor Wily, who
has asthma, registers passion for
Conrad Nagel in the talkies.
Moral: Never dunk your rolls
in anything stronger than Grade
A, Westphalia, for it will always
give you a headache.
The night had fallen quickly,
and all was very dark. The rail-
road track seemed to vibrate, and
in the distance could be heard a
train rambling along the rails.
Around a bend it came, full speed
ahead. The powerful headlight
gleamed down the lane of steel.
Faster and faster the locomotive
approached, pounding, puffing,
speeding, rambling, tearing -
A sharp noise and the train had
left the tracks. The headlight on
the engine was out. There was
an intense moment of silence. No
one stirred. No one in the wreck-
age seemed alive.
Then a great light fell on the
scene. Some mighty power set
the train on its tracks. The
headlight shone once more. The
great light from above was gone.
And Junior turned the switch
to watch his electric train ramble
around the tracks again.
10 The New SHOWME
The fraternities of Missouri feel
that in acquiring the Outlaw and in
publishing The New SHOWME, Sigma
Delta Chi has opportunity to render
a distinct service to students of Mis-
souri. To the members of the organ-
ization we extend congratulations.
Alpha Gamma Rho
Alpha Gamma Sigma
Alpha Kappa Kappa
Alpha Tau Omega
Alpha Sigma Phi
Beta Theta Pi
Delta Sigma Phi
Delta Tau Delta
Lambda Chi Alpha
Phi Delta Theta
Phi Kappa Psi
Sigma Alpha Epsilon
Sigma Alpha Mu
Sigma Phi Epsilon
Sigma Phi Sigma
Zeta Beta Tau
The New SHOWME 11
Missouri has long felt the need for
a representative humorous publica-
tion, written and published by stu-
dents. We join in a hearty welcome to
The New SHOWME, and in congratu-
lations to the members of Sigma Delta
Alpha Chi Omega
Alpha Delta Pi
Alpha Epsilon Phi
Delta Delta Delta
Gamma Phi Beta
Kappa Kappa Gamma
Pi Beta Phi
Zeta Tau Alpha
University of Missouri
OFFICE OF THE DEAN OF MEN February 13,1930
I am very much gratified over the news
that Sigma Delta Chi has bought out the "Outlaw"
and will revive the "Showme" magazine. If
there is a place for a college comic magazine at
all, it certainly should be under the management
and control of a responsible organization.
With careful observanceof propriety and good
taste, the Sigma Delta Chi organization should
make a noteworthy contribution to the wholesome
student adtivities on the campus. I wish them
every good thing in their enterprise.
Albert K. Heckel
Dean of Men
12 The New SHOWME
"Louise," "My Fate Is in Your
Hands". "Have a Little Faith
in Me" "Because" "I'm Follow-
ing You" "I Love You, Believe
Me, I Love You" "More Than
You Know" "Heigh-Ho" "Turn
On the Heat" "You've Got That
Thing" "Oh, Baby, Look What
You've Done to Me" ("Mammy"
"I'm Just a Vagabond Lover"
"But Aren't We All?" "How
Could You ?" "Breakaway"
"With Somebody Else" "Now
I've Got Those Empty-Bed
Blues" "Lover, Come Back to
Me." "I'm Still Rememb'ring"
"In a Little Rumble Seat" "Ten
Little Miles From Town."
"Happy Days Are Here Again"
"You Left Me Lonely Nights"
"I'm Singing In the Rain," but
"If I Had a Talking-Picture of
You" "Singing in the Bathtub"
"Sunny Side Up" "I'll Always Be
Mexico would do well to import
a Hollywood extra like Dick Grace
to go through the inauguration cere-
monies for her president.
Famous last words: "How
would you like to book up a
snappy dancing act, Mr. Pan-
She was only a track coach's daugh-
ter but she knew her laps.
Theme song for Noah's Ark: Singing In the Rain
"Your girl's face is worth a
"Yes, it runs into a pretty fig-
She:-"I hear you were out
with a big lodge man last night
-How did you get along?"
"That girl has sure held lots of
"Quite necky, is she?"
"No, she works for a dentist."
ONE:-"I love the dark."
TWO:-"I love the fair."
THREE:-"I love the fair in.
"I have to buy some paper.
Would you get it here?"
"What difference does it make?
If you get it at either place,
they'll ream you."
Miss Penelope Bloomerslow,
who has been a little frail for the
past few months, will be abroad
"What a Whale of a Differ-
Heigh:-"Don't you think her
niece is good looking?"
Ho:-"Sure, both of 'em."
Stewed: "Tish a wonder how one
drinks thish stuff."
Stewed: "Egotish, forsooth thou
boast. Two did it."
The New SHOWME 13
KOW-I'm a student in the Uni-
TOW-I'm not doing anything,
The calf in a silk stocking has
killed many a prodigal son.
"Did you make the debating
"N-no, They s-said I w-was'nt
First Drunk: Shay, where's other
shide of street?
Second Reveler: Don't know.
Shtranger here, myself.
She likes big, strong, silent men,
so we introduced her to the foot-
ball team of the school for the deaf
The inebriated individual stum-
bled, fell on one knee and then roll-
ed over into the gutter. A trav-
eler in passing, paused to inquire
the location of the nearest hotel.
"Brother," gurgled the prosti-ate
one, "thish is the right place.
Plenty of room and runnin' water.
There had been a head-on colli-
sion of two speedy interurbans.
Searchers were looking for the in-
jured. One of the victims was
heard to remark: "Geez, this re-
minds me. Lodge initiation to-
While most of us came into this
world with nothing on, it has re-
mained for the girls to hold their
own since the stock market crash.
Florid Florence says if she can
ever catch the goosey, goosey gan-
der in the water when she has a
feather tickler handy she will show
us what the expression, " to swim
like a duck," really means.
Prof. (discovering daughter on
young man's lap): Young lady, what
does this mean?
Young Lady: Come back in about
thirty minutes, Dad. I ought to know.
by then. -Sun Dial
"Well," said the surgeon as he
sharpened his knife, "I've got to
open my male."
She: Do you believe in love at
He: I believe in love on any site!
"Do you know the title of the
"No, let's have it."
"Be Careful or Your Pencil Fall
You were once my sweetheart,
I was once your beau,
But you are fond of onions,
And I aint, yu know.
Nearsighted Old Man (eating a
box of loose-leaf reinforcements):
"Well by heck, these Life-Savers
don't taste like they used to!"
College Boy: "What's the mat-
ter old top?"
S econd Joe (dejectedly):
"Same old thing, same old thing
-my dad is writing me again for
"Hello, is this the Salvation
"Where they save women?"
"Well, save me a blonde for to-
"Er-er-er-h'm-yes, 67-68-69 - Your
pulse is all right but you had better
call a doctor."
'What made you beat up that guy?"
"He insulted my girl."
"Why, all he said was that she danc-
ed like a, zephyr."
"I thought he said heifer."
He:-"I don't want much.
Just a place to call home."
She:-"There's a phone booth
Jacquette:-"But why are you
driving in here?"
Vest:-(Stopping car by base-
ball bleachers) "I heard it took
a diamond to make you neck."
Bo Brumel:-"Have you seen
the new field house?"
Bo Peep:-"No, but I'd love to!
I always thought there should
have been a roof over the stadium
for rainy nights!"
"Remember what the fly said
when he sat on the fly paper?"
" 'This stuff sticks to the end !' "
Cal Cautious is afraid to go
near a poultry house. He heard
the landlady say she would be
glad when the hens started lay-
ing for her boarders again.
"BUt to make a long story
short," said the aviator as he
knocked the top off the church
14 The New SHOWME
HOW THE ROVER BOYS FOUND BEAUTY
ON THE "QUAD"
"What great weather for rowing," said Dick, the
oldest of the Rover boys, in his humorous manly
fashion. That rowing had never been one the minor
sports even at Missouri did not dampen his spirit. He
was a cheerful boy, ever finding happiness in unex-
"Jolly, I'd say," replied his youngest brother, Sam,
from his vantage point on the topmost spire of the
Memorial Tower. "Oh, very jolly,' he repeated, in
case he had not made himself clear the first time.
The third, and middle brother, Tom smiled and held
his tongue as usual. However, if we peek into his
mind we find that he was in the midst of planning the
best way to go about telling Grace, who waited for
him back in Lamar, Missouri, that he had seen the
arrow of his ways with the help of a Pi Phi. He had
just finished (in his mind) a satisfactory conclusion
to the letter when Sam Rover came tumbling down
from his perch on the tower. To quote his remark in
its entirety, he said in a slightly verbose manner, "Well,
I came down thuddenly, didn't I ?"
This remark and action was thought very jolly by
the Rover boys and they laughed heartily. They were
still chuckling merrily when down the walk came three
girls, walking arm in arm and chatting gaily. They
were the Little Colonel, Elsie Dinsmore and Texas
Blue Bonnet. (This last was a newcomer to the
Rover boys, who had met her in neither library nor
living room.) She was a gay little thing, with the
clean swept air of the prairie about her and a roguish
twinkle in her eye.
She was soon introduced and at the girls' invitation
the boys "fell in," and soon the six of them could be
seen walking down Memorial Avenue. What hap-
piness and carefree abandon was theirs!
It was late that night. All of the Rover boys were in
their room studying. Suddenly, Dick Rover looked
up with a smile from his calculus problem. "Well,"
he said, "I guess I need to be more attentive in class.
You know, I've worked this problem six times, and
I have six different answers. Well, 'if at first you
don't succeed, try, try again,' " and with a merry
whistle and that unbeatable spirit which helped him
through the sand cave (see, "The Rover boys in the
Sand Cave or Alone with Floyd Collins) and his
struggle with the dial system, (see "The Rover Boys
in the Bell Telephone Building or Numbers I Have
Known") he set about to fight it out with the figures
until he should emerge triumphant with the correct
Sam Rover, on his part, said, "That's right." Then
to make his statement more convincing, he added with
a little chuckle, "That's right." He had scratched his
Room and Board
head as a baby (see "The Older Rover Boys in Baby
Land or Adventures with Mellin's Food).
As for Tom Rover he said nothing. He was again in
the throes of a mental composition. The letter in
this case was to his widowed mother. (See "The Rov-
er Boys Car-riding or Adventures on Great Neck.")
The letter was, in part, "-and I would like if possible
to spend the coming summer in Texas because I am
getting tired of those lousy Main woods, and just be-
Thus it is, that we will find the Rover boys separated
in the next book. In fact, (ha! ha!) don't be surprised
Gentle Readers to be getting any day invitations to
attend three weddings. One, at The Locusts; another,
in the eastern home of the Dinsmores; and a third,
and by no means least important, one in the Union
Station in Dallas. And do not forget, Reader, that
it was at Missouri that the Rover Boys found rom-
ance and the one girl in the world for them, and we
wish you the same and many of them.
Chaplain (to man in electric chair)-May I do any-
thing for you?
Prisoner-Yes, hold my hand.
Critic: "What does this picture represent?"
Artist: "Satan's daughters."
Critic: "Oh, Hell's belles, eh?"
Frosh (during Freshman week)-"The moon, the
stars, the mountains, the girl-ah, what a combina-
'33 (female)-"Gracious, is that showing again?"
Whitman's Famous Candies are Sold By
Peck Drug Co.
16 The New SHOWME
"Who was the strange woman I saw you with last
They call it "The Windy City" because one's
head may so easily be blown off there.
The earnest student wil leasily discover exactly
why the state's abbreviation is "Ill."
It isn't only suspenders that hold up in Chicago.
They have changed the old Mother Goose rhyme
to read "Little Boy Blew a Safe."
Chicago's idea of reversing cause for effect: They
MUR-DER to get RED-RUM.
Each bank messenger in Chicago is automatically
eligible for a Carnegie Hero Medal.
Speaking of swimming, our idea of a dangerous
dive is a Chicago night club.
In brief, during the last few years Chicago has
shot far ahead of other cities.
Padre-Still running around with that little
brunette of last summer, son?
Hijo-Why, Dad, she's married now.
Padre-Answer me !-Pelican.
"Out of my way, wretch - I'm riding to the
"Give us a lift-I'm going to the dogs myself."
He--"I feel like a better man every time I kiss you."
She---Well, you needn't try to get to Heaven to-
Old Lady: The Goblins will get you if you don't
Little Boy: They will like Hell. My brother is a
Deke and I'm going to pledge where he is.
"Drink your milk, dear."
"See here, Mother, why can't you understand that
I have my own life to live?"
Fresh-Why was that immigration inspector fired?
Fresher-For passing a bum Czech.
Man of Letters: "Give an example of a rigid
Man of Ability: "A dead Scotchman."
-Zip 'n Tang.
"What's the charge, officer?"
"Fragrancy, sir. He's been drinking perfume."
Captain-Whoever he is, there is a dirty sneak crook
on this squad. In the past week I have lost a set of
Stanford shoulder pads, a Yale sweater shirt, a pair of
Harvard pants, a Northwestern blanket, a couple of
"Dearest, I must marry you!"
"Yes, but have you seen father?"
"Many times, but I love you just the same."
People who live in glass houses might just as well
answer the doorbell.
18 The New SHOWME
"Hell, yes," said the Devil, picking up the phone re-
ceiver. -Texas Ranger.
"You say that I am the first model you ever kissed?"
"And how many models have you had before me?"
"Four. An apple, two oranges and a vase of flowers."
-Black and Blue Jay.
Mrs. Smith: One of the Jones girls is going to get
Mr. Smith: How do you know?
Mrs. Smith: Old man Jones borrowed our shot-
gun this morning. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah.
"We spent our time amidst the ancient ruins of
"Yea? And it sure makes you appreciate the Ameri-
can girls, doesn't it?"-Michigan Gargoyle.
"Hey .boss, there's a man with a black bag outside
to see you."
"Tell him I never go out with colored girls."
-Penn S. Froth.
How are all the little pigs down on the farm?"
"Fine. And how are all the pledges at your house?"
"Another combination shot," said the coed as she
leaned too far over the billiard table.
"What's the age limit for sailors?"
"Listen, dearie, a sailor at any age is the limit."-
He: How did you get that blue mark on your neck?
She: Very pleasantly. -Boston Beanpot.
London Curio Dealer: "Yes, sir, this is the very
handkerchief used by the father of William Penn."
Tourist: "Hm, the original pen wiper."
Tillotson's Jewel Shop
POOLE & CREBER
J. M. C. Market
Central Engraving Co.
The New SHOWME 19
Everyone will be politically minded when
he reads the SHOWME'S Politician's
20 The New SHOWME
The Umpire-But why should they want my auto-
The Captain-Oh, just morbidness, I expect, in case
anything happens. -Sketch.
"Mom, there's hairs in the soup!"
"That's all right, this is noodle soup!"
"Hadn't you better go and tell your father?" said
the motorist to the farmer's boy who stood looking at
the load of hay upset in the lane by a collision.
"He knows," replied he boy.
"Knows? How can he know?"
"He's under the hay." -Drexerd.
Prof.-I will not begin today's lecture until the room
Voice From Rear-Go home and sleep it off, old
man. -Black and Blue Jay.
"We had to sell our dog."
"Why-er-he bit holes in the carpet."
Ned: How's your new sheba?
Ted: Boy, she's something to ride home about.
Snappy Sam: "How come Hi's got a bull hitched
to his plow?"
Ready Rube: "Dunno, dunno. Mabbe he's trying
to show the dern thing this life ain't all pleasure."
Sweet Young Thing: Did my father order some
coal this morning?
Coalman: This load of coal is for a Mr. Zell.
S. Y. T.: That's fine, I'm Gladys Zell.
Coalman: So am I.
"You'd like to be stenographer, young lady? What
are your qualifications?"
"I have no brothers, and my father is dead."
"Hired!" -Voo Doo.
"That man just told me that he was in the canning
"That's right. He's the Dean."-
-Williams Purple Cow.
R. O. Swink, who has been on the sick list for some
time, took seriously ill last Friday, but we are glad
to report he is better now. He and his wife are both
confined to their bed and Mrs. Swink's brother, Simp
Ratliff is with them.-Clipping from Macon Chronicle.