The New Showme March, 1930 The Missouri Showme March, 1930 2008 1930/03 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193003

The New Showme March, 1930; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1930

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The New Showme March $00.15 J.C. PENNEY CO. The New SHOWME 1 "I fainted and they brought me to. So I fainted again." "Why?" "Well, then they brought me two more." -Columns. "Did you make the debating team?" "N-n-no. They s-s-said I w-w-wasn't t-t-tall enaugh." -Jack-o-Lantern. It's no chill wind that rustles among the fig leaves. -Sun Dial. VANITY FAIR There was a young man from Missouri Whose sweetie went off in a fury. When she said, "I've a figure!" He replied, "Well, I beg your Pardon, but I'm from Missouri." -Yale Record. "We are now passing the most famous brewery in Berlin," explained the guide. "We are not," replied the American tourist, as he hopped off the bus. -Octopus. He-"You're the kind of girl mother spoke to me about." She-"You're the kind of man mother spoke to me about." -Puppet. Art: Mary told me she worshipped her figure. Dave: What did you say? Art: Nothing. I embraced her religion. -Wet Hen. "She's a nicely reared girl." "Yes, she looks good from the front, too." -Whirlwind. The New SHOWME, Columbia, Mo. The New Missouri "Showme" The Missouri Outlaw Combined with The New SHOWME Editor-in-Chief, MELVILLE HOHN Business Manager, GEORGE BAKER Managing Editor HOWARD LONG Assistant Business Manager LAWRENCE ARCURY Exchange Editor, C. CALHOUN MOORE Art Editor DAVID PAISLEY Staff Braxton Pollard Frank Wilmarth Ed Humston Lovan Hall Jack Hackathorn Zona Moore Don Goe Humor Editor VIRGIL HERALD Staff Foust Roper Bee Thrailkill Merrill Swedlund Nathan Coppersmith Maxine Bickley Pat Herbert H. Fellman Cover-BRAXTON POLLARD Contributors: Blaine C. Bigler, Betty Huey, Winston Copeland, George L Brinkmann, J. Bickley, George Cos- mos, Herbert Hukriede, F. R. P., Robert Williams, Robert Crockett, Ralph Daigh, Ben Weinbach, Wesley Mattson, Kenneth Kraft, George McCue, Danny Safier, Lynn Mahan, and Kathryn Bidstrup. Copyright, 1930 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Exclusive reprint granted to College Humor Magazine. Published by Sigma Delta Chi as the official humor publication of the University of Missouri. Address all communications to the Showme, care Herald-Statesman, Columbia, Missouri. THAT laughing old marauder, The Missouri Outlaw, disappears into the pages of a more truly Mis- souri comic. Members of Sigma Delta Chi introduce with this issue the Missouri Outlaw com- bined with The New SHOWME, official humor publication of the University of Missouri. The SHOWME should fill a long-recognized campus lack for a humor magazine similar to those published at other colleges and universities. The task of preparing this first issue without an organized staff has proved exceptionally difficult. It was lightened by the large number of contributors, the readiness of University officials to aid, and the support of the fraternities and sororities. Now at least the foundation has been laid, and with a complete staff at work, we ask you to expect more in our next, the Politician's Number. The New SHOWME 3 THE ROAD TO THE EDITOR'S HEART THE SHOWME, in order to follow even more closely your idea of what the magazine should be, is putting on a "What I Don't Like About THE SHOWME" contest. The plan is for all busy- bodies who love to run other peo- ple's affairs to write to us telling what they think should be done. Here are printed prizes, quali- fications, list of judges, and oth- er information of value to con- testants: The prizes: (1st) An alley- bred Maltese cat, complete with a litter of nine (9) kittens; (2nd) A plush-padded parlor stereo- scope, with a set of Yellowstone Park views thrown in; (3rd) A copy of the very latest Congres- sional Record; (4th) Menus from various local cafes. All letters should be written in pencil. Neatness is not required, for if you think we are going to read them, you're funny. They must be mailed on or be- fore Labor Day, 1940. Address them to the Contest Editor, and make the addresses respectful ones. Opinions expressed in the let- ters must necessarily agree with those of the judges. Should they not, the contestant is automat- ically eliminated. Ten (10) demerits will be en- tered against letters written on paper napkins, tissue, Kleenex, and blue or pink stationery. The judges will be: We con- sider this none of your business. Anyway, we have enough trouble without having to give lengthy justifications of our decisions. "We've had four electrocutions this month," said the warden, "and the current expenses of this place is getting something aw- ful." Campus Canines THE AWAKENING The room was still dark. Sud- denly the light was turned on. And then-then-the two faces were close together. His face was grim and tense; the other face was white and small with two slender hands pressed tightly against it. It was these frail hands that riveted his horrified gaze. His stare was hopeless, tragic; for that other face was the face of his clock, and those little hands told him that he had overslept, and was late to his first hour class. Among other things which may be down but not out is a nine-day old mustache. On Missouri Examination Papers Divorce is a social problem be- cause it happens in the best of families. Marriage of one man to one woman is monotony. The girl I hate Is Louise McGrath, She uses my soap As she sings in her bath. A college man is known by the photographs he keeps. Old Joe College says that for his he'll just take Quaker girls, because they don't believe in fighting." 4 The New SHOWME Who's Who at Mizzou ARCHIE DOWNING VIRGINIA BIDWELL BETTY FYFER HUGH TERRY ROGER TAYLOR BERKELEY MANN Although Archie Downing, Alpha Gamma Sigma, is not in school this semester, his past record entitles him a place among any grouping of out- standing students made at this time. Arch, a member of Mystical Seven and Blue Key, has activities includ- ing the chairmanship of Barnwarming and the junior managership of Farm- er's Fair. Virginia Bidwell has long been prominent in women's campus activi- ties. Virginia is vice-president of W. S. G. A., secretary-treasurer of the Journalism Students' Association, and society editor of the Missouri Student. She is a member of Gamma Alpha Chi and Alpha Phi. Elizabeth Fyfer, Kappa Kappa Gamma, is well known as a leader in women's activities. At the present time Elizabeth is president of the Y. W. C. A., a member of the W. S. G. A. Council, and a member of Mortar Board. Hugh Terry, president of the sen- ior journalists, is one of the best ad- vertising students in the School of Journalism. This year Hugh served on the Memorial Drive and Charity Ball committees, and took part in the Journalism Show. He is a member of Alpha Delta Sigma and Sigma Nu. Roger Taylor, Delta Tau Delta, has won fame as a rifle marksman. He is the present national inter-collegiate rifle champion, has a seat on the Stu- dent Council, is a former Student Sen- ator, and is a member of the Missouri Committee on Inter-collegiate Ath- letics. He is also a member of Delta Sigma Pi. Berkley Mann is Cadet Colonel of the infantry regiment of the R. O. T. C., a member of Scabbard and Blade, and state commander of the Pershing Rifles. He is a member of Delta Sig- ma Pi and Kappa Sigma. The New SHOWME 5 THE NOODLEBAUM MURDER CASE I consider myself fortunate indeed, to have had the Noodlebaum murder case as my first big as- signment in the Missouri School of Journalism. The fiendish murder of Sigfried P. Noodlebaum is safely behind the bars for life now, as every reader of the press well knows, but the almost miraculous solving of the case by Padlock Homes, the pride of Scotland Yard, has never before been made clear, except to the few who were directly connected with the case. Sigfried P. Noodlebaum, retired young Columbia millionaire clubman, who made a mint renting places in registration lines, was found dead in his bed on the morning of January second, a knife still sticking in his jugular. The Columbia branch of Scotland Yard was notified at once, and seven detectives in assorted disguises arrived immediate- ly, accompanied by the fire department and a Phi Kappa pledge hunting good locations for Student Council dance posters. After changing disguises twice and cross-exam- i n i n g Noodlebaum's butler and cook, the crime experts estab- lished beyond doubt that Noodlebaum was dead at the hands of an unknown murderer. No valuables were mis- sing from the house. Noodlebaum was not known to have an enemy, and clues were lacking except for the knife, which bore no fingerprints. Such were the conditions when Padlock Homes ar- rived on the premises the following day. "Mr. Homes", I said, doffing my hat as he left the throngs held back by cordons of stalwart po- licemen, "I'm just a cub reported so it would be a scoop for me and the Showme to be allowed in there with you." The famous sleuth smiled and requested the officers to let me pass. To my dy- ing day I shall admire the human qualities of the man. Nothing had been touched; even the dead man lay there on his back and I shuddered as I noted the glassy eyes, the open mouth, and the knife buried in his juglar. After a few hasty glances at the room, Padlock removed from his pocket a double-barreled, high-compression, ninety-horse- power magnifying glass with which he examined minutely the bed, the floor, the window, and fi- nally the knife. Something caught his attention. Removing an envelope from his pocket he scraped a bit of dust into it, then seemed to be following a line across the floor to a small table on which was a "Radio Rex" mechanical dog, of the variety that jumps from a box when released by vibrations of the human voice. This seemed to interest him im- mensely, and he wrapped it in paper. Very care- fully he wrapped a partially burned match also. Next he examined the ceiling, and after a final in- spection of the room, asked to be closeted alone with James, Noodlebaum's butler, who, with the cook, was the other occupant of the house. Two minutes that seemed an age dragged by, and fi- nally Padlock emerged from the room with a know- ing gleam in his eyes. "I'll be back this af- ternoon," was his la- conic statement as he strode out the door to- ward a waiting taxi. After receiving the assurance of the police that I would be allow- ed back into the house later, I dashed down to Dad's Popcorn Stand to refresh myself for the trying mental ordeal ahead of me. I ate one sack of pop- corn and put another in my pocket to stave off starvation should it be necessary to remain in the death-house all night, then I hastened back for fear I'd be absent when the master mind of the microscope reappeared. My hunch was well-founded, for I had just entered the door when Padlock himself sauntered in, smoking a cheroot, and accompanied by Harold Fishback, who had been Noodlebaum's best friend. "So you and Noodlebaum used to be roommates", drawled Homes. Fishback cleared his throat, coughed two or three times, and answered in a heavy voice, "Yes, poor old Sigfried, I knew him well. We bunked to- gether for three years in college." "Mr. Fishback", Homes enunciated coldly and accusingly, "you have a cold-you're hoarse!" "Why, no-that is, yes-that is-what do you mean, Mr. Homes?" coughed Fishback nervously, visibly startled. "Padlock removed from his pocket a double-barreled, ligh-compression, ninety-horsepower magnifying glass." 6 The New SHOWME Phi: "You say Jack is kicked out just because he is color blind?" Bete: "No, I said it was because he couldn't tell the difference between shades. He thought he was tossing a note in his girl's window and it was the chaperone's." "Fishback," Padlock almost yelled, "why did you do it?" Crying like an infant, Fishback fawned at the detective's feet, clawing at his pants and shriek- ing hysterically, "He deserved it -he deserved it! Oh the skunk! When he hid my tux the night of the Pan-Hell dance, I vowed he'd pay if it took a lifetime!" At Homes' suggestion, two powerful plainclothes men, dis- guised as the Smith Brothers, dragged the blubbering blighter into an adjoining room. An hour later he was lodged in the city jail, but not until Homes had se- cured a complete written confes- sion. "Marvelous, Mr. Homes," I cried, when the police had carted Fishback away, "How on earth did you do it?" Padlock Homes smiled, care- fully selected a fresh cheroot, and accepted some of my popcorn as he seated himself in an over-stuf- fed chair. "A comparatively easy job, my boy," he said, attempting to cover his brilliance with mod- esty. "Do you see this ash?" It was the dust I had seen him deposit in the envelope. "Well, this is the ash of a fuse com- monly used to set off gunpowder charges. This match lighted the fuse, and this mechanical dog struck the match. Fishback was clever, but not quite clever enough." I was a squirming mass of curiosity, but I hesitated to rush the miracle man on his story. Seeming to enjoy my impatience, he smiled and finally continued. "Here's what happened. The mechanical dog sprang from its set position when released by some sort of rasping sound. It struck the match, which was pin- ned to the table, thereby light- ing the fuse, which was tied to the table. The fuse was a long one, and had been trained up the wall, through that little staple you see on the picture moulding, across the ceiling, and hung over that chandelier above the bed. At its end was tied the knife. Nat- urally, the burning of the fuse ACCEPTANCE Such unforgetable, Delightfully pettable, Yet so not-yet-able, Lip s. Those devilish-glancing, And gently entrancing; Such beauty enhancing E ye s. An Irishly puggish, Complacently smuggish, Real short and juggish, No se. Composite and wholly, Yes, body and soully, Though she's roly-poly, She's Mine! released the knife, which plung- ed into the victim's throat. "On questioning the valet, I learned that Noodlebaum always slept on his back in the middle of the bed, and snored loudly. H aving been Noodlebaum's roommate, Fishback knew of these eccentricities. It was the snoring, you see, which agitated the sensitive disc and set off the mechanical dog." Homes stopped, as though in a daze, and the only sound was the crackling of the popcorn. Unable to stand the suspense any longer, I blurted, "But Mr. Homes, how did you know that Fishback, and not the valet, or the cook, or some other person acquainted with Noodlebaum's nocturnal habits, was the culprit?" "Oh," laughed Padlock, "I sus- pected him as soon as I learned he had a sore throat. If you re- member, Fishback was so hoarse he could hardly talk. I was posi- tive the murderer was hoarse, be- cause he left these," and he re- moved two small white bits of fluff from a paper. "Why, what are those?" I gasped. "Horse-feathers!" came the re- ply. The New SHOWME 7 MASCULINE RUMINATIONS At college we learn things infinitesimal; Drink liquor that causes disorders intestinal, And walk beneath moons of rich old gold And marvel at numbers one coupe will hold. In our heart is a silent varsity song, As we jelly and mill in the prof-bored throng- And a haunting fear creeps into our life; That we put out a pin and drag in a wife! Feminine Calculations Illusions and petticoats fast disappear, And we might even turn to occasional beer. Often we park 'neath a tempting moon- A co-ed's technique can develop so soon! We learn to like men with a Bradstreet rating Along with absorption of classroom prating, And hope Dad's patience and bank account Will last till we marry the right amount! DISAPPOINTMENT When a woman relaxes to pay her due taxes To a man who has shown her some fun, She sighs and she cries as he pours out his lies Of the love he may have for this lovable one. She dreams of a castle, of robes with a tassel, Of children to lavish her love on, or some. She sighs in the moonlight and cries of her spoon-right And yearns for those things which make loved ones so dumb. But he, in his stupor, seems naught but a dupe, or A slow thing that doesn't know what it's about. He sits and he talks, or he mopes when he walks, And instead of soft whispers he gives up a shout. Then her love-thoughts are shattered, all tittered and tattered And she goes on, disgusted with love's hope, and doubt. MARCH Ears with rings of gold, and sash Of flaunting red-March, the buccaneer, Is singing on the high, green hills, Strong and swift and bold-he is here! His shouting laughter fills the skies, He pours the wine of Youth in rushing streams, The sun is sharp on his cutlass of steel- This bearded vagabond of wild, free dreams. When as to bed my Dina goes, Methinks these newly fangled clothes That scarcely hide her twinkling toes From any little breeze that blows Can hardly seem to half inclose The symmetry that sweetly flows Beginning with her saucy nose Down past those laced and ribboned rows Of these things we see at fashion shows Built not to hide but to inclose The charms the modern co-ed knows. 8 The New SHOWME "I'll fight it out on this line if it takes all summer." ONE HORRIBLE NIGHT Gosh, how it's raining . . Tor- rents . . . Currents . . . Streams . . . Cats and dogs . . . It's pitch dark . . . Darn it . . . My engine is stalling . . . It has stopped . x-&-*xx . . . Guess I'll have to get out and walk . . . I'm sinking in the mud . . It's over the tops of my shoes . . . Which way will I go? . . . Doesn't make any dif- ference . . . I'm lost anyway . . Soaked through and through . Feel like a thousand wet hens . . I'll keep on going though . . . I have to . . . I can't stop . . Maybe I'll run across a sign or something . . . And find my whereabouts . . . More plowing through the mud . . . Gosh but it's dark . . . Nothing in sight Wait a minute . . . Isn't that a post over there? . . . Sure it is . . .What does that sign on the post say? . . . Guess I'll have to climb up and see . . Gee but this post is slippery . . . At last . . It's so dark I can't read what's on the sign . . . Have to strike a match . . . My last match too . . . Well here goes . . . What does the sign say? . . . Oh hell, "Wet Paint." THREE GRACES Faith, Hope and Charity, three beautiful sisters, were the pride of Junction Center. Faith, tal- ented as well as beautiful, ceased to get her mail in the home town one spring and took up the quest of fame, fortune and fizzes in the big city. Success did not dog her foot- steps until she met a big-hearted gentleman who was willing to put her in the front row of the cho- rus. From job hunting to chorus was one step and a short slide brought her to an apartment on Riverside Drive. Lolling in the lap of luxury she thought sud- denly of her sister Hope, still toil- ing in the rural regions. There are enough saps for two said the clever Faith, and forthwith she sent a telegram. telling her next oldest sister to pack her over- night case and come make her This girl was up to the minute. "'Twas a pitiful case," said the man, as he threw the last bottle away. -Carolina Buccaneer. abode amid the chocolate cover- ed pains of the big city. Two nights, a diamond neck- lace and a town car later, Faith met the sister at the station and drove her to the Riverside apart- ment. Intensive cultivation and natural ability, inherited from a father who had been accustomed to idling around a livery stable, soon brought Hope on a par with her sister; this par being about 97 points above market quota- tions. Two months, a country house and a chauffeur later the sisters thought of the duckling, Charity, the youngest of the family and still in Junction Center, seemed a waste of natural resources so a telegram telling her to come at once was sent and the two sat back to await the arrival-with two big-hearted men from Cal- gary. The train arrived and three minutes later the sisters arrived on the scene ready to protect their sister from making a step that might ruin her career in the city. There stood the duckling in furs, jewels and glad rags, with trunks piled around her and a chow dog on a leash. MORAL: Charity began at home. The New SHOWME SATAN'S GUEST A co-ed, once, I hear men tell, Took a trip down into hell. The Devil let her, at her request, Run Hades just as she thought best. She built up fires until it seemed The entire universe was steamed! She ordered wines the Devil said Were much too hot and far too red. She kept later hours than imps could stand And stood shivering when devils fanned! With a boiling tear in his steaming eye, Satan was forced to say goodby. He said, "Go back to Old Mizzou, We're too damn tame down here for you!" Critic: He only paints in the nude. Co-Ed: Indeed, I should think the police would arrest him. -Texas Longhorn. BONNIE Hotter than hot-and if you don't like that expression, get an- other cooking apple out of the basement-but it can't describe the little flame I have in mind. Her name is Bonnie, and she's as neat a little twist as any you ever saw. Her act was singing the blues in Benson's, in that Beer Up little old town on the Mississippi, and I don't mean Paducah. Bonnie had been digging some of the best boys in the worst places, and at that time held de- cisions over some of the smooth- est Oscars in the state. There she met Wily Anderson, just out of Yale-by the rear door! He was a good boy, his folks said so, and all the old Keeley alumni agreed he could throw them. Wily was drinking giggle-juice when Bonnie came out and sang "Love Me!" with gestures, so he did. They were married, his folks cut him off without a nick- el, and no one was kind to them but the stock. She is now only a bird in a giltless cage, and poor Wily, who has asthma, registers passion for Conrad Nagel in the talkies. Moral: Never dunk your rolls in anything stronger than Grade A, Westphalia, for it will always give you a headache. Big Trainwreck! The night had fallen quickly, and all was very dark. The rail- road track seemed to vibrate, and in the distance could be heard a train rambling along the rails. Around a bend it came, full speed ahead. The powerful headlight gleamed down the lane of steel. Faster and faster the locomotive approached, pounding, puffing, speeding, rambling, tearing - Crash! A sharp noise and the train had left the tracks. The headlight on the engine was out. There was an intense moment of silence. No one stirred. No one in the wreck- age seemed alive. Then a great light fell on the scene. Some mighty power set the train on its tracks. The headlight shone once more. The great light from above was gone. And Junior turned the switch to watch his electric train ramble around the tracks again. 10 The New SHOWME W elcome THE NEW The Fraternities The University The fraternities of Missouri feel that in acquiring the Outlaw and in publishing The New SHOWME, Sigma Delta Chi has opportunity to render a distinct service to students of Mis- souri. To the members of the organ- ization we extend congratulations. Alpha Gamma Rho Alpha Gamma Sigma Alpha Kappa Kappa Alpha Tau Omega Alpha Sigma Phi Beta Theta Pi Delta Sigma Phi Delta Tau Delta Delta Upsilon Farm House Kappa Alpha Kappa Sigma Lambda Chi Alpha Phi Delta Theta Phi Kappa Phi Kappa Psi Sigma Alpha Epsilon Sigma Alpha Mu Sigma Chi Sigma Phi Epsilon Sigma Phi Sigma Triangle Zeta Beta Tau The New SHOWME 11 SHOWME The Sororities Missouri has long felt the need for a representative humorous publica- tion, written and published by stu- dents. We join in a hearty welcome to The New SHOWME, and in congratu- lations to the members of Sigma Delta Chi. Alpha Chi Omega Alpha Delta Pi Alpha Epsilon Phi Alpha Phi Chi Omega Delta Delta Delta Delta Gamma Gamma Phi Beta Kappa Kappa Gamma Phi Mu Pi Beta Phi Zeta Tau Alpha University of Missouri Columbia OFFICE OF THE DEAN OF MEN February 13,1930 I am very much gratified over the news that Sigma Delta Chi has bought out the "Outlaw" and will revive the "Showme" magazine. If there is a place for a college comic magazine at all, it certainly should be under the management and control of a responsible organization. With careful observanceof propriety and good taste, the Sigma Delta Chi organization should make a noteworthy contribution to the wholesome student adtivities on the campus. I wish them every good thing in their enterprise. Albert K. Heckel Dean of Men 12 The New SHOWME Composer's Nightmare "Louise," "My Fate Is in Your Hands". "Have a Little Faith in Me" "Because" "I'm Follow- ing You" "I Love You, Believe Me, I Love You" "More Than You Know" "Heigh-Ho" "Turn On the Heat" "You've Got That Thing" "Oh, Baby, Look What You've Done to Me" ("Mammy" "Mammy"). "I'm Just a Vagabond Lover" "But Aren't We All?" "How Could You ?" "Breakaway" "With Somebody Else" "Now I've Got Those Empty-Bed Blues" "Lover, Come Back to Me." "I'm Still Rememb'ring" "In a Little Rumble Seat" "Ten Little Miles From Town." "Happy Days Are Here Again" "You Left Me Lonely Nights" "I'm Singing In the Rain," but "If I Had a Talking-Picture of You" "Singing in the Bathtub" "Sunny Side Up" "I'll Always Be Mother's Boy!" Mexico would do well to import a Hollywood extra like Dick Grace to go through the inauguration cere- monies for her president. Famous last words: "How would you like to book up a snappy dancing act, Mr. Pan- tages?" She was only a track coach's daugh- ter but she knew her laps. Theme song for Noah's Ark: Singing In the Rain "Your girl's face is worth a fortune." "Yes, it runs into a pretty fig- ure." She:-"I hear you were out with a big lodge man last night -How did you get along?" Ditto:-"Oh-by degrees." "That girl has sure held lots of boys' heads." "Quite necky, is she?" "No, she works for a dentist." ONE:-"I love the dark." TWO:-"I love the fair." THREE:-"I love the fair in. the dark." "I have to buy some paper. Would you get it here?" "What difference does it make? If you get it at either place, they'll ream you." Miss Penelope Bloomerslow, who has been a little frail for the past few months, will be abroad this. spring. "What a Whale of a Differ- ence" Xmas Xams Heigh:-"Don't you think her niece is good looking?" Ho:-"Sure, both of 'em." Stewed: "Tish a wonder how one drinks thish stuff." Stewed: "Egotish, forsooth thou boast. Two did it." The New SHOWME 13 KOW-I'm a student in the Uni- versity now. TOW-I'm not doing anything, either. The calf in a silk stocking has killed many a prodigal son. "Did you make the debating team ?" "N-no, They s-said I w-was'nt t-tall enough." -Jack-o-Lantern. First Drunk: Shay, where's other shide of street? Second Reveler: Don't know. Shtranger here, myself. She likes big, strong, silent men, so we introduced her to the foot- ball team of the school for the deaf and dumb. The inebriated individual stum- bled, fell on one knee and then roll- ed over into the gutter. A trav- eler in passing, paused to inquire the location of the nearest hotel. "Brother," gurgled the prosti-ate one, "thish is the right place. Plenty of room and runnin' water. There had been a head-on colli- sion of two speedy interurbans. Searchers were looking for the in- jured. One of the victims was heard to remark: "Geez, this re- minds me. Lodge initiation to- night !" While most of us came into this world with nothing on, it has re- mained for the girls to hold their own since the stock market crash. Florid Florence says if she can ever catch the goosey, goosey gan- der in the water when she has a feather tickler handy she will show us what the expression, " to swim like a duck," really means. Prof. (discovering daughter on young man's lap): Young lady, what does this mean? Young Lady: Come back in about thirty minutes, Dad. I ought to know. by then. -Sun Dial "Well," said the surgeon as he sharpened his knife, "I've got to open my male." She: Do you believe in love at first sight? He: I believe in love on any site! "Do you know the title of the pencil song?" "No, let's have it." "Be Careful or Your Pencil Fall Down." You were once my sweetheart, I was once your beau, But you are fond of onions, And I aint, yu know. Nearsighted Old Man (eating a box of loose-leaf reinforcements): "Well by heck, these Life-Savers don't taste like they used to!" Colgate Banter. College Boy: "What's the mat- ter old top?" S econd Joe (dejectedly): "Same old thing, same old thing -my dad is writing me again for more money." "Hello, is this the Salvation Army?" "Yes." "Where they save women?" "Yes." "Well, save me a blonde for to- night." -The Awgaan. "Er-er-er-h'm-yes, 67-68-69 - Your pulse is all right but you had better call a doctor." 'What made you beat up that guy?" "He insulted my girl." "Why, all he said was that she danc- ed like a, zephyr." "I thought he said heifer." He:-"I don't want much. Just a place to call home." She:-"There's a phone booth over there." Jacquette:-"But why are you driving in here?" Vest:-(Stopping car by base- ball bleachers) "I heard it took a diamond to make you neck." Bo Brumel:-"Have you seen the new field house?" Bo Peep:-"No, but I'd love to! I always thought there should have been a roof over the stadium for rainy nights!" "Remember what the fly said when he sat on the fly paper?" " 'This stuff sticks to the end !' " Cal Cautious is afraid to go near a poultry house. He heard the landlady say she would be glad when the hens started lay- ing for her boarders again. "BUt to make a long story short," said the aviator as he knocked the top off the church steeple. 14 The New SHOWME HOW THE ROVER BOYS FOUND BEAUTY ON THE "QUAD" "What great weather for rowing," said Dick, the oldest of the Rover boys, in his humorous manly fashion. That rowing had never been one the minor sports even at Missouri did not dampen his spirit. He was a cheerful boy, ever finding happiness in unex- plored corners. "Jolly, I'd say," replied his youngest brother, Sam, from his vantage point on the topmost spire of the Memorial Tower. "Oh, very jolly,' he repeated, in case he had not made himself clear the first time. The third, and middle brother, Tom smiled and held his tongue as usual. However, if we peek into his mind we find that he was in the midst of planning the best way to go about telling Grace, who waited for him back in Lamar, Missouri, that he had seen the arrow of his ways with the help of a Pi Phi. He had just finished (in his mind) a satisfactory conclusion to the letter when Sam Rover came tumbling down from his perch on the tower. To quote his remark in its entirety, he said in a slightly verbose manner, "Well, I came down thuddenly, didn't I ?" This remark and action was thought very jolly by the Rover boys and they laughed heartily. They were still chuckling merrily when down the walk came three girls, walking arm in arm and chatting gaily. They were the Little Colonel, Elsie Dinsmore and Texas Blue Bonnet. (This last was a newcomer to the Rover boys, who had met her in neither library nor living room.) She was a gay little thing, with the clean swept air of the prairie about her and a roguish twinkle in her eye. She was soon introduced and at the girls' invitation the boys "fell in," and soon the six of them could be seen walking down Memorial Avenue. What hap- piness and carefree abandon was theirs! It was late that night. All of the Rover boys were in their room studying. Suddenly, Dick Rover looked up with a smile from his calculus problem. "Well," he said, "I guess I need to be more attentive in class. You know, I've worked this problem six times, and I have six different answers. Well, 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try again,' " and with a merry whistle and that unbeatable spirit which helped him through the sand cave (see, "The Rover boys in the Sand Cave or Alone with Floyd Collins) and his struggle with the dial system, (see "The Rover Boys in the Bell Telephone Building or Numbers I Have Known") he set about to fight it out with the figures until he should emerge triumphant with the correct answer. Sam Rover, on his part, said, "That's right." Then to make his statement more convincing, he added with a little chuckle, "That's right." He had scratched his Room and Board -Exchange. head as a baby (see "The Older Rover Boys in Baby Land or Adventures with Mellin's Food). As for Tom Rover he said nothing. He was again in the throes of a mental composition. The letter in this case was to his widowed mother. (See "The Rov- er Boys Car-riding or Adventures on Great Neck.") The letter was, in part, "-and I would like if possible to spend the coming summer in Texas because I am getting tired of those lousy Main woods, and just be- cause." Thus it is, that we will find the Rover boys separated in the next book. In fact, (ha! ha!) don't be surprised Gentle Readers to be getting any day invitations to attend three weddings. One, at The Locusts; another, in the eastern home of the Dinsmores; and a third, and by no means least important, one in the Union Station in Dallas. And do not forget, Reader, that it was at Missouri that the Rover Boys found rom- ance and the one girl in the world for them, and we wish you the same and many of them. Chaplain (to man in electric chair)-May I do any- thing for you? Prisoner-Yes, hold my hand. -Yale Record. Critic: "What does this picture represent?" Artist: "Satan's daughters." Critic: "Oh, Hell's belles, eh?" -Sniper. Frosh (during Freshman week)-"The moon, the stars, the mountains, the girl-ah, what a combina- tion." '33 (female)-"Gracious, is that showing again?" -Exchange. Whitman's Famous Candies are Sold By Peck Drug Co. Harris Cafe 16 The New SHOWME "Who was the strange woman I saw you with last night?" "My wife." They call it "The Windy City" because one's head may so easily be blown off there. The earnest student wil leasily discover exactly why the state's abbreviation is "Ill." It isn't only suspenders that hold up in Chicago. They have changed the old Mother Goose rhyme to read "Little Boy Blew a Safe." Chicago's idea of reversing cause for effect: They MUR-DER to get RED-RUM. Each bank messenger in Chicago is automatically eligible for a Carnegie Hero Medal. Speaking of swimming, our idea of a dangerous dive is a Chicago night club. In brief, during the last few years Chicago has shot far ahead of other cities. -Sniper. Padre-Still running around with that little brunette of last summer, son? Hijo-Why, Dad, she's married now. Padre-Answer me !-Pelican. "Out of my way, wretch - I'm riding to the hounds." "Give us a lift-I'm going to the dogs myself." -Lehigh Burr. He--"I feel like a better man every time I kiss you." She---Well, you needn't try to get to Heaven to- night." -Yellow Jacket. Old Lady: The Goblins will get you if you don't watch out. Little Boy: They will like Hell. My brother is a Deke and I'm going to pledge where he is. -Puppet. "Drink your milk, dear." "See here, Mother, why can't you understand that I have my own life to live?" -Boulevardier. Fresh-Why was that immigration inspector fired? Fresher-For passing a bum Czech. -Pitt Panther. Man of Letters: "Give an example of a rigid economist." Man of Ability: "A dead Scotchman." -Zip 'n Tang. "What's the charge, officer?" "Fragrancy, sir. He's been drinking perfume." --Pelican. Captain-Whoever he is, there is a dirty sneak crook on this squad. In the past week I have lost a set of Stanford shoulder pads, a Yale sweater shirt, a pair of Harvard pants, a Northwestern blanket, a couple of Y.M.C.A. towels. -Carolina Buccaneer. "Dearest, I must marry you!" "Yes, but have you seen father?" "Many times, but I love you just the same." -Lehigh Burr. People who live in glass houses might just as well answer the doorbell. -Flamingo. Chesterfield 18 The New SHOWME "Hell, yes," said the Devil, picking up the phone re- ceiver. -Texas Ranger. "You say that I am the first model you ever kissed?" "Yes." "And how many models have you had before me?" "Four. An apple, two oranges and a vase of flowers." -Black and Blue Jay. Mrs. Smith: One of the Jones girls is going to get married today. Mr. Smith: How do you know? Mrs. Smith: Old man Jones borrowed our shot- gun this morning. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. "We spent our time amidst the ancient ruins of Greece." "Yea? And it sure makes you appreciate the Ameri- can girls, doesn't it?"-Michigan Gargoyle. "Hey .boss, there's a man with a black bag outside to see you." "Tell him I never go out with colored girls." -Penn S. Froth. How are all the little pigs down on the farm?" "Fine. And how are all the pledges at your house?" -Sun Dial. "Another combination shot," said the coed as she leaned too far over the billiard table. -Nebraska Awgwan. "What's the age limit for sailors?" "Listen, dearie, a sailor at any age is the limit."- Wisconsin Octopus. He: How did you get that blue mark on your neck? She: Very pleasantly. -Boston Beanpot. London Curio Dealer: "Yes, sir, this is the very handkerchief used by the father of William Penn." Tourist: "Hm, the original pen wiper." -Punch Bowl. Tillotson's Jewel Shop POOLE & CREBER J. M. C. Market Central Engraving Co. The New SHOWME 19 The Politician's Own Number Everyone will be politically minded when he reads the SHOWME'S Politician's Number 20 The New SHOWME The Umpire-But why should they want my auto- graph? The Captain-Oh, just morbidness, I expect, in case anything happens. -Sketch. "Mom, there's hairs in the soup!" "That's all right, this is noodle soup!" -Wisconsin Octopus. "Hadn't you better go and tell your father?" said the motorist to the farmer's boy who stood looking at the load of hay upset in the lane by a collision. "He knows," replied he boy. "Knows? How can he know?" "He's under the hay." -Drexerd. Prof.-I will not begin today's lecture until the room settles down. Voice From Rear-Go home and sleep it off, old man. -Black and Blue Jay. "We had to sell our dog." "What for?" "Why-er-he bit holes in the carpet." -Punch Bowl. LEARBURY Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. Ned: How's your new sheba? Ted: Boy, she's something to ride home about. -Pitt Panther. Snappy Sam: "How come Hi's got a bull hitched to his plow?" Ready Rube: "Dunno, dunno. Mabbe he's trying to show the dern thing this life ain't all pleasure." -Yale Record. Sweet Young Thing: Did my father order some coal this morning? Coalman: This load of coal is for a Mr. Zell. S. Y. T.: That's fine, I'm Gladys Zell. Coalman: So am I. -Maltcascr. "You'd like to be stenographer, young lady? What are your qualifications?" "I have no brothers, and my father is dead." "Hired!" -Voo Doo. "That man just told me that he was in the canning business." "That's right. He's the Dean."- -Williams Purple Cow. R. O. Swink, who has been on the sick list for some time, took seriously ill last Friday, but we are glad to report he is better now. He and his wife are both confined to their bed and Mrs. Swink's brother, Simp Ratliff is with them.-Clipping from Macon Chronicle. THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN College Humor Camel