Missouri Showme September, 1931 Missouri Showme September, 1931 2008 1931/09 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193109

Missouri Showme September, 1931; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1931

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Missouri Showme Sept. Ovan Hall Freshman Number 15 cents THE MISSOURI SHOWME The Wheel THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three JOURNALISTS, TRY THIS ON YOUR LINOTYPE! ............................. . Street, ....................., Missouri ....................... & ............... Company, Inc., ............................... Street, New York City, New York. Gentlemen: The eternal cry: "I am looking for work!" This past summer I hitch-hiked throughout the south and back through the western states. No work! I am now back in school again, however, I feel that the prospects will be better when I graduate in January, 1932. For the past two years I have been a student in the School of Journalism at the University of Mis- souri, where I have been studying practical courses that have laboratory application in phases of advertis- ing work, such as the following: Retail store advertising: personal contact with merchants. Market distribution: Discussion with mer- chants. Advertising Campaigns: Studied and used in connection with advertising writing. (Editor's note: And follows a long list of prize courses for tomorrow's advertising men.) Journalism experience, enlivened by work on the Columbia Missourian in reporting for this paper, in making ads for it, and taking such instruction that is informing of its problems, in addition to sitting at the copy desk writing headlines and editing copy for 21 weeks, has enabled me to be competent to occupy a position on your ...................... Prior to entering the School of Journalism, I was assistant manager of the ........................ and Sons, Em- porium of ................................, M issouri, handling ad- vertising for that firm. I can furnish references from these people. For two years I was ............ clerk at the .................... and ............... Store, principal store of eight, being located in ..........................., M issouri, whose owner frequently accepted suggestions from me in the way of retail store advertising. These later proved beneficial for him. As to my initiative I refer you to Mr. ................. ........................ who is very familiar with the manner in which I conducted the management of ....... .......... and Bros., Inc., at ......................... , M o. during the sickness of the manager. I think I am good. I have gone to school for seven years, this being my seventh and have engaged in many activities, and have average grades.. I spent about 24 hours a day eating, sleeping, and living ad- vertising. While in school I managed to get by on $125 a month and would like to do that for you. If you find an opening in any of your departments whether it be advertising, at which I am best, or any- thing, I will gladly accept. Hoping to hear from you soon, I remain yours truly, Some time ago we ran across this carbon copy of a business application while digging through garbage cans in search of lost love-letters and a copy of Dante's Inferno. We have dared to published this letter, but for safety's sake and possibly to avoid an embarrassing scene, such as that of the Savitar last May, we have ommitted all names and other incriminating matter. The author of this epistle has gone so far as to say that he "thinks" he is good. To compose such "literature" as this we say, (with apologies to Ballyhoo for the ap- propriate phrase) "GOOD! HE'S GOTTA BE GOOD!" The Life Guard proves to the Registrar that he's white. Page Four JACKSON-FINLEY GROCERY and DELICATESSEN Dr. Virgil Blakemore OPTOMETRIST THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN THE MISSOURI SHOWME ALIBIS Herewith, we enumerate for the information of that oncoming crop of freshmen ..... a small number of the aged, antique, archaic, and . . . antebellum alibis used by previous underclassmen in explaining their persistent inability to arrive at their 8 o'clocks on time. ..... We suggest that the freshmen organize at once and invent some newer ones. At least some considera- tion should be shown to the profs, who are so familiar with "our" alibis they can quote the last five words of the sentence before we can. "My roomie forgot to . . . (uh) wind the clock." "My roomie forgot to . . . (uh) set the alarm." "My roomie forgot to ... (uh) wake me on time." "I didn't get back from Westphalia on time." (Jeff City and Sedalia sometimes substituted) "The houseboy failed to get us up this morning." "I couldn't find my roommate's tie that I wanted to wear this morning." "My roomie forgot to remind me that I had an eight o'clock today." "My car wouldn't start." "I stayed up all night studying and overslept this morning." (This was the prize excuse back in gran'maw's day.) For the Sweet Young Thing: "'Oh! Professor, am I late?" "Can you act ?" asked the movie director. "Act! Why on the stage last week I died so na- turally my life insurance agent, who was in the au- dience, fainted." -Log Question: Oh where has my little dog gone? Answer: Around the corner and under a tree. ---.Sour Owl Exchange National Bank THE MISSOURI SHOWME He: I would like to have some good old-fashioned lovin'. She: 0. K. I'll take you over and introduce you to my grandma. -Log Then there was the New York Scotchman who hired Floyd Gibbons to talk over the long-distance phone to his girl in San Francisco. -Octopus Woman (prospective buyer of dog) : My good man, does this dog possess a family tree? Salesman: Oh, no, madam; he has no partic- ular tree. -Medley Barber: Haven't I shaved you before? Victim: Oh, no, I got these scars in the war. -Medley MATTER OF PUNCTUATION Motto of the Phi Bete: Study like hell! Motto of the athlete: Study? Like hell! -Widow Then there was the co-ed who thought sex was something they keep potatoes in. -Ohio Sun Dial Indignant wife (to inebriated husband) : And what does the clock say? Husband: It shays "tick-tock," and doggies shay "bow-wow" and cows shay "moo-moo" and little pus- sy cats shay "meow-meow." Now are ya satisfied? -Flamingo She was as pretty as a picture-so he framed her. -Rammer-Jammer TIGER HOTEL Page Five PK KNIGHT'S STREET'S FORD SERVICE The New Missouri "Showme" VOL. III. SEPTEMBER 15, 1931 NO. 1 Editor-in-chief HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Business Manager GENE W. MOORE Contributors to this number are: Lovan R. Hall, Helen Eastes, David (Cap) Pais- ley, Clif Jones, Clark Nich- ols, Dpnald Cullimore, and Earl Voight. Copyright, 1931 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex- clusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Published by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Address all communications to THE MISSOURI SHO WME, care Herald-Statesman Bldg., Co- lumbia, Missouri. ABSOLUTELY NOT AN EDITORIAL WANTED: authors, humor- ists, poets, cartoonists, satirists . . and what not. Yes, we DO want more contributors. Showme staff positions that are now available include: Advertising manager, cir- culation manager, art editor, man- aging editor, office manager, ex- change editor, poetry editor, hum- or editor,-well, in fact, the entire staff is open for those who are willing to work for them. These positions are open to ev- ery student, regardless of school or department. They are to be filled by persons who by their work prove that they are the right ones to fill these vacancies left over from last year. Many of the old contributors will be surprised to find this first number appearing the first day of school, yet we wish to mention that new staff positions are open to everyone-whether they have ever worked on the Showme be- fore or not! Pay us a visit at our office any time in the afternoon, we will be glad to talk shop with you. All material for the October Number which will be published October 8 must be handled in be- fore the end of September. Get busy ! And what did you say your name was? THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven The Showme Show HELLO, public, greetings upon your return to the grind agin . . . Overheard a couple of citizens dis- cussing this university situation in connection with hard times. One old patriot rallied forth with the remark that ". . this is going to be a long uphill climb to an education." The fact that we don't chew the rag prevented us from returning with "Yeh, well some of us are able to make the grades." With school not twenty-four hours old, most of us will have al- ready heard each other's vacation stories so many times that bull-ses- sions will already grow weary. Tales ranging from Russia to Mex- ico, Westphalia to Sedalia will fill our ears until the drums almost pop ... and soon it will be good grounds for murder when someone stops us on our way to dinner to yell out "By the way, did you hear about Elmer down in Afghanistan this summer ?" And what did you say your name was? E. Willis Brown and Doug Attaway with their "European Folk Tales" . . J. C. Goodwin and his "Travels through Mexico on Horse- back" along with a supplement by Martha Ann Martin and that crowd who trained it down which reads: "What I saw in Mexico City and None of Your Business Why" fol- lowed by a suppressed edition of "Why They Wrote That Song About Monterrey" with words and music by Dwight Johnson and Frank Gearhart . . . . and Marvin Goforth's vocal chorus "Broadway as I Saw It" and an all-musical version of "Confessions of an American Collegiate Orchestra Tearing Through Europe" with skits by Ed Connor, Al Christman, Paul Jones, Bob Logan, George Phelps and a number of others who ran across Glen Degner, former student president, while carousing around Paris and vicinity .... such tales will be sold and traded at 5-to-1 odds for any of the stories by the gang who remained here and made the weakly week-ends to Westphalia and Jeff. Sorry to hear that Bus Keeton and Chas. Higgins' trip ended in Monterrey when their motorcycle tried to hug a lamp post. And what did you say your name was? Again we hear that the cam- pus nightwatchmen may still have the prize stories of just what did go on this summer. And then we await an explaination of why rot- ten eggs were thrown at the Beta, Alpha Gamma Rho, Triangle and Sig Ep houses during July and why several other houses (which offer choice targets) were spared! The farmhouse chaperon this summer played revenue officer and poured twenty-five gallons of the boys' best down the drain. It must have been terrible for the boys, especially with the raiding of the ill-famed "garden" following the close of summer school. The rev- enue boys were nice about it and waited until the session was over. According to Kansas City and St. Louis newspaper stories, the gar- den was described by such terms: "A student's rendezvous" a "road- house" and even as far as to call it "a night club." Can you imagine a modern girl, especially a co-ed, wearing a corset ... and to a beer party . .. a pre- registration affair? We can . . . we know : .. for a fact.. well .. we were surprised . . . for we'd of never thought of it ... Keep your eye peeled for a Tri- Delt-Delta Sigma Phi merge for we understand that Mary Burr hop- ped down to Texas as she could not wait until September to see Neal Guy. Speaking of eyes, many have been set on Bud Pollitt's pin . . . we sympathize with those who mourn its passing . . . and if the lucky K. U. maiden scans this sheet, we offer congratulations. Mrs. Betty Brooks Brown will soon be herself again, while on the other hand . . . the royal families of Delta Gamma and Kappa Sig have united in the marriage of Bill Stryker and Helen Henry. And speaking of marriages, and all that, we under- stand that a committee of two for the Workshop selected an rather ex- pensive sterling silver serving tray for Mr. and Mrs. Donovan Rhyns- burger. For something to do, we might ask John Lee if he missed K. C. this summer. Yes, he spent his vacation as an instructor, or some- thing, at a boys' camp about 15 miles out from the city. And while on College Ave., wander over to the Figam house and ask the boys if Howard Brecht intends to sing his "Rise and Shine" song to the new pledges. Tis Suggett, pride and glory of the news class, is now working for the State Dept. of Health--that's a healthy job we hope. Seymour Margules, for- mer ex-Stage-Door Johnny is try- ing to ,sell ads on a Dallas newspa- per. Like many grads of the Journalism school, he is looking for a job that offers a salary along with other advantages. Mary Paxton Keeley is back and with some new plays. Will Mary ever grow up and stop play-ing around? For those who failed to go any where this summer, we suggest a a substitute trip to old England, a visit and, if possible, an inspection tour through the new Kappa Sig house. It will bring back to mind the days of Sir Richard, Lancelot and even, Ivanhoe. It is beauti- ful. Old English and artistic to the last note. The boys and Ross Dunwoody are to be commended (Continued on page ten) Page Eight THE MISSOURI SHOWME TRADITIONal TALES or What We Can Learn at College From out of the realms of nowhere, we bring back to mind, for a moment of clear and clean thought, some of those things we are supposed to ab- sorb while we go through the four (and five or six for some) years of this University machine. Per- haps we recall them to prepare ourselves for the ques- tion: WHAT ARE the so-called traditions of this institution? . . . . And, as a matter of form, we in- troduce them to the freshman (not expecting that he will respect or remember them, for little do the up- perclassmen pay homage to these customs of yester- year) but merely for the purpose of acquainting him with a few things that all students were required to honor way back when the collegiate style included long sideburns, high button shoes, and a three-inch stiff collar. (For further reminiscences, see the "Old Fash- ioned Girl Number of the Showme-Adv.) According to some of the older sophomores in the Engine School who are still trying to pass Hydraulics, there is still some gossip about a tradition lingering around "The Six Sacred Columns." For years fresh- men have -always been obsessed with the idea of dig- ging underneath them to find who is buried there, how- ever we might say that the terrible odor really comes from the Chemistry Building. As the engineers' story goes, and they stick to it, only seniors and grads are permitted to walk around the upper mound near the columns. Even one of the older boys (when inter- viewed) insisted that with special permission, a faculty member or delegated alum could even sit on the base of the columns. Tsk! Tsk! Furthermore, we learned that the dear ole jun- iors are permitted to go as far as to walk around the lower mound, while those terrible sophomores possess the privilege of walking on the campus as far as to the columns. However . . . . freshmen could get no closer to the columns than the sidewalks would permit. These rules were supposed to be strictly enforced by the "Paddle Squad" of selected engineers. With- in the past few semesters we have had the pleasure to witness a few such outbreaks at which occasion some poor soul gets his tanned! . . . But in the long run (and it usually is a long run) the main purpose of the whole idea-that of saving or protecting the weeds and everglades on the quad-is forgotten, for after one of these melees the after-effects are still ob- vious until spring planting or until the Ag short course finals. While dwelling on the Ag "seet-ye-ation," we might add that they, too, have a similar custom on their sacred grounds .... which as a mater of fact is more thoroughly enforced. However the engineers are somewhat more civil in administering their punishment, for, after it is over, they immediately resume their idleness, but with the ags conditions are different. In Mumford Hall classes must be postponed for several hours, at least until a few members of the Ag paddle line are able to have their tonsils swabbed and their voices restored. And now to stroll south to the corner of Ninth and Conley, we are confronted with a building com- monly known as "the Law Barn," wherein reside out "honest" lawyers, for whom Diogenes may still be searching. The chief tradition among lawyers is to flunk the bar exam .... . . but we will let that drop. Running a furlough behind, we find among other law traditions the idea that everyone but lawyers are no better than the scum of the earth, and especially en- gineers. Once a year, at least, once, the two schools .engage in a semi-friendly game of football with the lawyers usually on the winning side. This is either because they can secure more professionals to play for them under their "pre-law" ruling, or because they can out-argue the poor engineers who unfortunately do not have their slide rules with them . . .. or both! Lawyers and Engineers again tie-up during St. Patrick's week when the latter paint the town green and the former try to rub it off. Now, to return to some more respectable customs, we find that freshmen still buy caps, and better still, we have evidence that some actually wear them! ..From various sources we are told that freshmen are sup- posed to decorate their skulls with their caps from September until the day before the Thanksgiving game, at which time they engage in fisticuffs with what few sophomores who do turn out in behalf of the class. And winning as they always do, the frosh burn their caps along with an effigy of the sophomores. But if they should lose, the custom is so arranged that they are to be tormented with their caps until X'mas. Along with the wearing of the cap, there is the custom of using it to recognize upperclassmen (which may include anyone but the sucker who will squat and thumb his cap-button.) As time rolls along and we begin to anticipate the arrival of the second or third check from home, the freshmen, under the careful guidance of Prof. Wrench, are organized enough to get together and rush down Ninth Street and congregate in front of the Missouri (Continued on page twelve) THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine The Showme Presents..... Blank & Stoller, Inc. (copyright) Mr. O. O. McIntyre ITS GODFATHER, who has honored THE SHOWME by accepting this title and has given us permission to print this photograph which he has presented to the magazine and which now hangs in the SHOWME office. We are anxiously awaiting a message for a future number from our Godfather to his Godchildren. Page Ten The Hit of The Weak. She:: "You don't love me any more. I'm going back to my moth- er." He: "Don't bother. I'll go back to my wife." -Voodoo. Both them hula girls loved the same man, so they pulled straws for him. -Whirlwind. Check and Double Check He phoned his sweet boob-a-doop long distance. Five minutes later: "Deposit one dollar, please." He talked some more. "Deposit another dollar, please." No answer. "Deposit another dollar, please." "For goodness sake, how can I? The thing's clogged up with my last check." -Siren. Number 308 (in Harem): "Did you know that Solomon is 85 years old tomorrow? What shall we give him?" Number 23..: "A night off." -Yellow Jacket. I think the moon is overrated, dear I thanked its magic spell Until one night with you it didn't appear, And we did quite as well. -Froth. THE MISSOURI SHOWME SHOWME SHOW (Continued from page seven) for what they have done, especially out there on the hill. For one of the grandest views ask Ross to show you the one iron the library (which is wonderful it- self even its collection of books ranging from 100 best detective stories to "What every Woman Should Know" . . and .they are ac- tually in the collection) and to get back to the view-that one from the library running west into the par- lor and for another good view, visa- versa. Don't fail to see the den. that is if you can get in . . it's real den-ish ... and what a lovely porch with all its advantages, etc . . . in the daytime it offers a pretty view of the tennis courts, terrace and barbecue oven. We are well pleased with the choice of furniture, lamps, pictures, and-well, you must see it for yourself, for it's like the proposition: "When you come to a sign you have to detour. There's no other way around it !" HALL How do you know she's a radio announcer's daughter? She told me to please stand by. "I wanna enroll in the wrestling class, Sir." "Judge, dis niggah promised to take me to Florida." "Naw, I didn't, Judge, I only said I was goin' to Tampa with her." -Texas Ranger. "Is my face dirty or is it my im- agination ?" "Your face is clean, I don't know about your imagination. -Malteaser. Mary had a little lamb- Which is unconventional to say the least. -Sniper. Hello, hello, hello. Operator, give me the Ozone Cab Co. Hello, Ozone? I'm calling from Salt Lake City. This is Brigham speaking. I'm taking my wife to the prom. Will you please send up a fleet of cabs. -Red Cat. Voice (over the phone): "Cen- tral, I want a policeman badly." Operator (sighing dreamily): "Gee, kid, so do I." -Temple Owl. Pledge: "Say, I've just sobered up. Can you tell me whose button this is?" Stout Woman: I want to return this washing ma- chine. Salesman: Why, what's wrong with it, lady? S. W.: Every time I get in the thing, the paddles knock me off my feet. -The Puppet. Father is the necessity of convention.-Medley. Some femmes are good in spots and bad in spots. Lonely spots for instance. -Wampus. "Harry surprised me by telling me that we're go- ing to take our honeymoon in France." "How nice, and did he spring it on you?" "He said as soon as we were married, he would show me where he was wounded in the war." -Octopus. Voice from Passing Auto: "Engine trouble, Bud ?" Voice from Parked Car: "No." Voice from P. A.: "Tire down?" Voice from P. C.: "'Didn't have to."-Mugwump. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven Mug:: Say, I can twist this little dial and get New York. Pug: That's nothing, I twisted a little dial and got Sing Sing. Janet: I love you bushels and bushels. Jack: Are they standard measure, honey? Whim: What did she say when you asked her for pie ? Wigger: Oh, I got a tart reply! Larry the Life Guard says: "It's only a darned fool that would hug the shore when the surf is full of bathing beauties." If a girl starts to walk back from an airplane ride some fellow is sure to glide her home. Flo: "Hasn't she a muddy complexion?" Jo: "You bet! It's slippery when she cries." Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME TRADITIONAL TALES or What We Can Learn at College (Continued from page eight) Theater, where with town boys, seniors and alums, they go into a huddle and shout "Mizzou" three times and crash the gate! This practice originated out of the original freshman shirt-tale snake-dance or "The parade of the Thundering Thousand," five hundred or dirty dozen, who on the night of a victory of the Tiger football team raised so much hell, the theater had to let them in so the townspeople could go to sleep. Among the numerous celebrations, both private and otherwise, before-during-and after football sea- son, we recall, as best of all, the night of the bonfire before Homecoming. Some of us, however retain only slight recollections of such events, yet we are led to understand that they do have a bonfire. Each year the job of collecting material for the fire grows more difficult, especially since the folks no'th of Broadway are wise and now cement their telephone booths to the foundations. Delving (no, Elmer, not diving, delving) into the more aged traditions we have stumbled into a little something concerning temperance rules for freshmen. Chief among them, and to our amazement, we learn that freshmen are neither to be seen nor heard during the evil hours of night when everyone is trying to keep from studying. Nor are they to frequent, visit, loiter or be observed in on near the pool-halls. (No relation to Jesse and Read). Likewise gossip goes along to include restrictions as to regulating a frosh's dating, wearing his roomie's socks, saying naughty woids, and the like!! To save out readers trouble we will add that a number of these rules and rag-u-lations are still pub- lished and thrown in with no extra charge when pur- chasing a freshman cap. Buy one and see for your- self! To those desiring more de-tailed information regarding rules, just thumb your nose to a member of the Student Senate as you plow across the quad. If by chance, and a small one, you should come near the Journalism Building some night as you cut thru the campus on the way to the evening shows (those at the theaters) we suggest that you whistle as you go thru the little park just behind the build- ing-it's safer for your Adam's apple. And if you risk it to go that way during the daytime, take a little time out to pause and look at the old, shall we say- rustic, bridge across the little "crik" there. Would-be newspaper men and women (those who gab at every corner they can find) tell us that one will never be as success in the journalistic world until he or she has been kissed while crossing this bridge. A number of (Continued on page thirteen) J.C.Penny Co. JCPenny Co. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen TRADITIONAL TALES (Continued from page twelve) grads have informed me to stay away from yon bridge and take a shot at the desk-book for diversion. The newest tradition to develop around the lino- type area is one that is centered around the west side of Neffall where the two stone lions stand guard. The story about what the lions will do is similar to the one told about the two lions in Kansas City at Broad- way and E. Armour Blvd. Just ask anyone from Kansas City what the reference is. And, if you are from Kansas City, it's your own fault! BALLADE OF PROTEST by "M. B." (From the Texas Longhorn-Ranger) Although, in life's recent stages Colleges have borne the gory Bludgeonings of all the sages, Who proclaim, quite mandatory, That the women, a priori, Cause our morals low to sink, I don't feel condemnatory; All co-eds aren't what you think! When I meet a lad who rages Over woman's pristine glory, Crying we should be in cages, Though I fear his territory Suffers from some predatory Creature warm and soft and pink, Still I utter, con amore, All co-eds aren't what you think! While you turn the daring pages Of some novel amatory, Wherein some wild youth engages, Choosing words too excretory, To set forth the idea hoary, That we girls are on hell's brink, Heed my words exhortatory: All co-eds aren't what you think! ENVOI You who hear some college story Full of necking, smoke, and drink, Trust not innuendoes gory- All co-eds aren't what you think! "And what did you say your name was?" Page Fourteen WHAT IS GOLF? (Author Unknown) Golf is a form of work made expensive enough for a man to enjoy it .. . it is a physical and mental exertion made attractive by the fact that you have to dress for it in a $250,000 club house. Golf is what letter-carrying, ditch-digging, and carpet-beating would be if these three tasks had to be performed on the same hot afternoon in short pants and colored socks by gouty-looking gentlemen who required a different implement for every mood. Golf is the simplest looking game in the world when you decide to take it up . . . . and the toughest looking after you have been at it for ten or twelve years. It is probably the only known game a man can play as long as a quarter of a century and then dis- cover that it was too deep for him in the first place! The game is played on carefully selected grass with little white balls and as many clubs as the player can afford .... These balls cost from 75 cents to $25 ... and it is possible to support a family of ten people (all adults) for five months on the money represented by the balls lost by some players in a single afternoon. A golf course has eighteen holes . . .. seventeen of which are unnecessary and put in to make the game harder. A "hole" is a tin cup in the center of a "green." A "Green" is a small parcel of grass cost- ing about $1.98 a blade and usually located between a brook and a couple of trees . ... or a lot of "unfinish- ed excavation." The idea is to get the golf balls from given points into each of the eighteen cups in the fewest strokes and . .. the greatest number of words. The ball must not be thrown, pushed, or carried. It must be propelled by about $200 worth of curious looking implements, especially designed to provoke the owner. Each implement has a specific purpose and ulti- mately some golfers get to know what that purpose is . . . They are the exceptions. Tell them you saw it In The Showme Tillotson's Jewel Shop THE MISSOURI SHOWME After each hole has been completed, the golfer counts his strokes.....Then he substracts six and says: "Made that in five . . That's one above par . . . Shall we play for fifty cents on the next hole, too, Ed?" After the final or eighteenth hole, the golfer adds up his score and stops when he has reached eighty- seven. He then has a swim, a pint of gin, sings "Sweet Adeline" with six or eight other liars . . . and calls it the end of a perfect day! EDITOR'S NOTE-(This "treatise" on golf was taken from a trade magazine published in Kansas City, Mo. The author is absolutely unknown. Anyhow, we'll wager it was taken from actual experience.) What do you want for your birthday? Something for my neck. My gosh! Have you started charging for that? -Battalion. POLO SCHEDULE Sept. 19-Practice games Sept. 26-Practice games Oct. 1-St. Louis Country Club at St. Louis Oct. 3-St. Louis Country Club at St. Louis Oct. 8-Iowa State College at Columbia Oct. 10-Iowa State College at Columbia Oct. 15-Oklahoma Military Academy at Columbia Oct. 17-Oklahoma Military Academy at Columbia Oct. 22-Oklahoma University at Columbia Oct. 24-Oklahoma University at Columbia Oct. 29-Ohio State University at Columbia Oct. 31-Ohio State University at Columbia Nov. 5-University of Illinois at Columbia Nov. 7-University of Illinois at Columbia Nov. 12-Iowa State College at Ames Nov. 14-Iowa State College at Ames A total of fourteen games with ten played in Columbia and four played on trips. Patronize these advertisers Dr. H. H. Buescher THE MISSOURI SHOWME "That's all right, just call me mother" Boss: Late again! Clerk: Well, my wife presented me with a baby last night. Boss: She would have done a lot better with an alarm clock. Clerk: Come to think of it, that would have been an achievement. -Medley He: What are women good for? She: Many of us aren't. -Brown Jug "His name is Charlie Mellikevlamana." "Finnish?" "I did; that's all.' -Brown Jug "Hey, Gadget, suppose you're officer-of-the-deck of a ship at sea. It is night and a heavy sea is run- ning. Suddenly you see a rocket go up to leeward, followed by another and another, what is it?" "Coney Island, sir." -Log Patronize the merchants. THE EVEREAT CAFE Page Fifteen Tiger Beauty Shoppe POLO PETERSON'S STUDIO Page Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME Original rushee scouting around for a date. NO FAIR Driver of car (unfamiliar with the road): "I take the next turn, don't I?" Muffled Male Voice From the Back Seat: "Like hell you do!" -Jack-o'-Lantern. "How come the asbestos gloves ?" "I'm going out with Gregory- May tonight." -Pitt Panther. Stude: "What is the literal Latin for 'He pretended he wanted to ride'?" Stewd: "Hitch, hike, hokum." -Columns. Once: Was he surprised when you said you wanted to marry his daughter ? Twice: Was he? The gun near- ly fell out of his hand. -Rice Owl. "Curse it! Curse it!" hissed the villian snatching at the girl's waist. "No it isn't, either," she retorted, "it's a girdle." -Beanpot. "See the beautiful virgin pines." "Yeah, and I know what she's pining for." -Puppet. "I hear that when Mrs. Smythe died she left $70,000 in her bus- tle." "My, my, that's a lot of money to leave behind." -Carnegie Tech. Puppet. She: "Do you care for pink step- ins ?" He: "Now let me see... " -Red Cat. Mary has a little swing, It isn't far behind; And everywhere that Mary goes The swing is just behind. -Log. She laughed when I sat down on the park bench, but when I started to play-." -Frivol. Two people who can always make ends meet: The Siamese Twins. -Arizona Kitty Kat. Any taxi driver can make a run- ning broad jump. -Blue Jacket. Eve decided to outsmart Adam so she made herself an apron of leaves. It happened they were poi- son ivy so she succeeded in her de- sire. I think that I shall never see An F as lovely as an E. An E whose form is pressed. Upon the records of the blessed. An F comes easily-and yet, It isn't easy to forget; F's are made by fools like me, But only God could make an E. --Ghost. Mister, do you believe in the sur- vival of the fittest? Hell, no! ! I'm an undertaker. For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers Kress' Patronize these merchants CONLEY-MYERS BANK THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seventeen Ekel: "Give me a sentence with the word avoid in it." Bedekel: "I can't hear avoid you say." Mule: Hello, What are you? Austin: I'm an automobile. What are you? Mule: I'm a horse. And they both laughed.-Dodo "Hey, you can't dance that way in here." "But this is interpretative dancing." "Then I'm interpreting it the wrong way." -Octopus You gotta give 'em credit: An Eskimo is the only one who can be married one day and have a good sized family the next. -Columbia Jester For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers UNIVERSITY SHOPPE Patronize these merchants Satterlee 's Missouri Theatre Bldg. Anderson Drug Company Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME She: Would you go through fire for me? He: Gladly, dear. She: Well, try it some time-you aren't too hot at present. -Old Maid. Nurse: Mr. Jones, you are the father of quad- ruplets. Mr. Jones: What! One of them things that runs around on four legs? -Ski-U-Mah. Patronize these advertisers A. 0. Cullen Garage Patronize Showme advertisers Missouri Flower Shop Tell them you saw it advertised In The Showme GREEN MILL "That will be enough out of you" said the doctor as he stitched the patient together. -Malteaser "Say, sit down in front!" "G'wan, I don't bend that way." -Log This little sheep went to market . . . This little sheep stayed at home . . . And so we have Virgin Wool. -Red Cat TECHNIQUE Co-ed: "Where did you learn to kiss like that?" Frosh: "Clucking at the horses." -Utah Humbug He: "Well, that sounds very fine, but tell me, Has your apartment a fire-escape?" She: "Oh, yes." He: "Fine, that lets me out." -Cornell Widow Wife to hubby who has stumbled over a chair in the dark trying to get to bed after a large evening: "Is that you, John?" Yesh, m'dear, if 'taint I'm going to 'ply for a divorshe." -Case Tech Tatoo Artist: "See that girl? Well, I've got de- signs on her." Flora: "I hate Bob." Dora: "Why?" Flora: "Well, I offered to take whatever he thought my kisses were worth and this morning he sent a bill marked 'physical labor'." Tell them you saw their ad in the Showme Tiger Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nineteen She: "Would you love me if I didn't have a cent ?" He: "Sure thing, old dear, but did you ever try using Life Buoy." -White Mule. Instructions It takes two to catch a dream You must both be aware Well before, where it lies Wary and hidden. Dreams scare Easily ..... And you must go With your nets fashioned of Hope and determination, Patience and Love ..... Then, when you see it clear, Do not fumble or hesitate; Quickly make your cast; the next Second will be too late. Work with great gentleness, Not to harm the gold that clings, To its feathers, or the frail Splendor of its wings . . . Hold it close to your hearts While you might count three; Examine it intently; Then set it free. Fools may advise caging it Or stuffing it . . . . Never! Follow my plan and have A nice dream forever. -John V. A. Weaver, Written especially for the Columbia Jester. "How much did you say them apples is?" "Fifteen cents a peck." "What do you think I am-a bird?" -Sun Dial. Montgomery Ward & Company Patronize these merchants YELLOW CAB and BAGGAGE CO. Patronize Showme advertisers Proctor-Hudson Electric Shop Tell them you saw it in The Showme Boone County National Bank Page Twenty Life Savers For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers Johnnie McGuire Patronize these advertisers H.R. Mueller Florist THE MISSOURI SHOWME "A penny for your thoughts." "A penny hell. It's the kind of thing you pay $8.80 a seat for on Broadway." -Jack-O-Lantern "Did you hear about the Egyptian government washing the desert with Lifebuoy?" "Yes, there were some awful sphinx out there." -Froth APPROPO AT MISSOURI Delta Tau: I didn't sleep a wink last night. D. U.: Why not? D. T.: The shade was up. D. U.: Well, why didn't you pull it down ? D. T.: I couldn't reach to the Theta house. -Sour Owl "Was it much of a necking party last night? "Was it ? Say, before the dance the hostess says: "Everyone chews his own partner." -Royal Gaboon Tell them you saw their ad in the Showme Greenspon's THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one In a cigarette it's taste, but in an Austin it's impossible For those who can't understand Einstein here is a much simpler formula to relativity: To one gallon of apple cider add one cup of raisins and one cup of brown sugar. Let solution stand in warm corner for at least six weeks or until odor is as offensive as ten skunks in parallel on a damp night. After consumption of the above prod- uct, it is seen what makes the world go around. -Green Griffin Masher (to sweet young thing)-What's your telephone number? S. Y. T.-You can find it in the phone book. Masher--Well, then what's your name? S. Y. T.-That's in the phone book, too. "You know, Henrietta, every time I see you my heart beats faster. I feel the urge to do bigger and better things. I feel so strong and virile. Do you know what that means?" "Sure. It means in about five minutes you and I are going to have a wrestling match." -Sun Dial You'll find that. when you're dancin' To some music quite entrancin' You can always do free lancin' With your eyes- But remember when you're lovin' In a corner turtle-dovin' That a precious line of nothin' May be lies! -Sun Dial Judge: And what are your grounds for divorce? Young Bride: Harry snores. Judge: How long have you been married? Bride: Two weeks. Judge: Granted. He shouldn't snore. -Splinters Buchroeder's Tell them you saw It advertised in The Showme E. C. Clinkscales & Sons For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers College Cleaners Tell them you saw it advertised in The Showme Sun Life Assurance Company of Canada Page Twenty-two Polly and Molly Pratlings By A Pair Of Prize Punsters Polly: Well, girl, last night I had the cuh-raze-i-est dream. And, honey, he was simply darling! But, .... oh, heck, that kind of a man would propose to me in a dream! Molly: I had a crazy dream last night too, but it was about that darn Alfred Brown. Do you know Al, Polly? Thought maybe you did. Well, . . uh . . I dreamed that he had a date with that awful Sue Smith. You know Sue, don't you, Polly? She's that tall girl with the red hair who sat next to Mary Walker at graduation .... and she had on the queerest . . . well, maybe not exactly queer, but . . oh, well she had on a funny looking dress. Yeh, her ole man gave her that new car for her graduation gift, but she didn't get it until two weeks after school was out. Polly: Funny thing how all the good luck goes to the dum clucks. Isn't it, Molly? Why, all my folks gave me for graduation is this wrist watch, and . . . . well, tho it is pret- ty, you can't go for a ride in it .... Molly, don't you think it is simply terrible for a girl to pick up a boy and take him riding? Molly: Oh, I can't say its exactly wrong, . . . but... Polly: Well, I saw this Sue take your Al for a ride that night of the freshmen's dance in-what's THE MISSOURI SHOWME the name of that big building? Oh, yeh, Jesse Hall. Molly: Did you see them leave, too? Darn that Sue, I just can't like her. And I'll fix Mr. Alfred Brown for that, too. Polly: Lot's of people condemn her for doing what she does . . . oh, I don't mean she does just anything . or, well, just everything, you know, anything that is real bad, but it's the people she goes out with that starts the talking. Molly (angrily) : Say, you lay off Al. What about yourself at that Senior Class swimming party Thursday afternoon before gradua- tion? Oh, you remember .. yeh. and I saw you .. and that ham Freddie Baker. Freddie gave you a regular bear hug, didn't he? Polly: He most certainly did not! We had our bathing suits on ! A Freshman Aspires To Be: Captain of the football team, A fraternity man, Phi Bete, Able to hold his liquor, On a publication, And after a successful year is: A sophomore! -Punch Bowl. "What is heredity?" "Something a father believes in until he sends his son to College." -Texas Ranger. Little Willie: "Pa, what's Weekly Financial Letter ?" Pa: "I get one from your college brother every Monday." -Texas Ranger. His First Day at the Gym Prof.: "Did you take a shower bath ?" Frosh: "No, is there one miss- ing ?" -Bison. "I see you have a sale of furs, Fire sale?" "No, mange." -Purple Parrot. Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. "And what did you say your name was?" THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-three INDEX TO SHOWME ADVERTISERS Anderson Drug Company ........................ Dr. Blakemore.. .......... Boone County National Bank ................ Buchroeder's . .......................... ..... Dr. Buescher ............ ...................... Camel Cigarettes .. ............................. College Cleaners ..... .................... College Humor ... .......................... Columbia Missourian.......................... Conlee-Myers Bank ...... ........................ Clinkscales Garage . ......................... A. O. Allen Garage ................................... Evereat Cafe ......... ...................... Exchange National Bank .................... Green Mill ............. ............................... Greenspon's ............. ............................... Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. ........... Jackson-Finley Grocery Co ..................... Knight's .............. ................................... Kress & Co ... .......................... Life Saver ............. ..... .................... Johnnie McGuire Band ..................... Missouri Floral Shop ......................... Montgomery Ward & Co. ............. Mueller Flower Shop ............................ J. C. Penney Company ........................ Peterson's Studio .................................. P. K. Sandwich Shop ............................... Polo Association ....... ........................... Proctor-Hudson Electric Shop ................ Satterlee's Gift Shop ......................... Street's Ford Service ................................ Sun Life Assurance Company ............... Tiger Beauty Shop .... ................... Tiger Hotel ... ....... Tiger Laundry Company ..................... Tillotson's ........ ... University Shoppe ........ The Wheel Cafe ...... Yellow Cab Company ....... SHOWME CO-EDS! Soon She'll Be Calling Amoebas By Their First Names Maybe, but she also keeps on speaking terms with the other animals on the campus. Classrooms may teem with stern professors earnestly intent upon taking life seriously, but the Greek gods and goddesses of the campus demand a touch of gayety in their education. Something young, vivid, sparkling and exuberant. Dick Hyland's Diary of a Football Player is one of the literary surprises of the season. Leonora Baccante's Can't We Be Friends? is another. Every co-ed will want to read new things by Katharine Brush, O. O. McIntyre, Margaret Banning, Ach- med Abdullah and Noel Coward-to mention but a few. SPECIAL TO COLLEGIANS 9 Months (the school year) for $2.00 Camel Cigarettes