Missouri Showme September, 1931Missouri Showme September, 193120081931/09image/jpegUniversity of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show193109Missouri Showme September, 1931; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1931
All blank pages have been eliminated.
Missouri
Showme
Sept.
Ovan Hall
Freshman Number
15 cents
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
The Wheel
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three
JOURNALISTS, TRY THIS ON YOUR LINOTYPE!
............................. . Street,
....................., Missouri
....................... & ............... Company, Inc.,
............................... Street,
New York City, New York.
Gentlemen:
The eternal cry: "I am looking for work!" This
past summer I hitch-hiked throughout the south and
back through the western states. No work! I am
now back in school again, however, I feel that the
prospects will be better when I graduate in January,
1932.
For the past two years I have been a student in
the School of Journalism at the University of Mis-
souri, where I have been studying practical courses
that have laboratory application in phases of advertis-
ing work, such as the following:
Retail store advertising: personal contact
with merchants.
Market distribution: Discussion with mer-
chants.
Advertising Campaigns: Studied and used in
connection with advertising writing.
(Editor's note: And follows a long list of
prize courses for tomorrow's advertising
men.)
Journalism experience, enlivened by work on the
Columbia Missourian in reporting for this paper, in
making ads for it, and taking such instruction that
is informing of its problems, in addition to sitting at
the copy desk writing headlines and editing copy for
21 weeks, has enabled me to be competent to occupy a
position on your ......................
Prior to entering the School of Journalism, I was
assistant manager of the ........................ and Sons, Em-
porium of ................................, M issouri, handling ad-
vertising for that firm. I can furnish references from
these people. For two years I was ............ clerk
at the .................... and ............... Store, principal store
of eight, being located in ..........................., M issouri,
whose owner frequently accepted suggestions from me
in the way of retail store advertising. These later
proved beneficial for him.
As to my initiative I refer you to Mr. .................
........................ who is very familiar with the manner in
which I conducted the management of ....... ..........
and Bros., Inc., at ......................... , M o. during the
sickness of the manager.
I think I am good. I have gone to school for
seven years, this being my seventh and have engaged
in many activities, and have average grades.. I spent
about 24 hours a day eating, sleeping, and living ad-
vertising. While in school I managed to get by on
$125 a month and would like to do that for you.
If you find an opening in any of your departments
whether it be advertising, at which I am best, or any-
thing, I will gladly accept. Hoping to hear from you
soon,
I remain yours truly,
Some time ago we ran across this carbon copy of a
business application while digging through garbage cans
in search of lost love-letters and a copy of Dante's Inferno.
We have dared to published this letter, but for safety's sake
and possibly to avoid an embarrassing scene, such as that
of the Savitar last May, we have ommitted all names and
other incriminating matter.
The author of this epistle has gone so far as to say
that he "thinks" he is good. To compose such "literature"
as this we say, (with apologies to Ballyhoo for the ap-
propriate phrase) "GOOD! HE'S GOTTA BE GOOD!"
The Life Guard proves to the Registrar that he's
white.
Page Four
JACKSON-FINLEY
GROCERY and DELICATESSEN
Dr. Virgil Blakemore
OPTOMETRIST
THE COLUMBIA
MISSOURIAN
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
ALIBIS
Herewith, we enumerate for the information of
that oncoming crop of freshmen ..... a small number
of the aged, antique, archaic, and . . . antebellum alibis
used by previous underclassmen in explaining their
persistent inability to arrive at their 8 o'clocks on time.
..... We suggest that the freshmen organize at once
and invent some newer ones. At least some considera-
tion should be shown to the profs, who are so familiar
with "our" alibis they can quote the last five words of
the sentence before we can.
"My roomie forgot to . . . (uh) wind the clock."
"My roomie forgot to . . . (uh) set the alarm."
"My roomie forgot to ... (uh) wake me on time."
"I didn't get back from Westphalia on time."
(Jeff City and Sedalia sometimes substituted)
"The houseboy failed to get us up this morning."
"I couldn't find my roommate's tie that I wanted
to wear this morning."
"My roomie forgot to remind me that I had an
eight o'clock today."
"My car wouldn't start."
"I stayed up all night studying and overslept this
morning."
(This was the prize excuse back in gran'maw's
day.)
For the Sweet Young Thing: "'Oh! Professor,
am I late?"
"Can you act ?" asked the movie director.
"Act! Why on the stage last week I died so na-
turally my life insurance agent, who was in the au-
dience, fainted."
-Log
Question: Oh where has my little dog gone?
Answer: Around the corner and under a tree.
---.Sour Owl
Exchange National Bank
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
He: I would like to have some good old-fashioned
lovin'.
She: 0. K. I'll take you over and introduce you
to my grandma.
-Log
Then there was the New York Scotchman who
hired Floyd Gibbons to talk over the long-distance
phone to his girl in San Francisco.
-Octopus
Woman (prospective buyer of dog) : My good
man, does this dog possess a family tree?
Salesman: Oh, no, madam; he has no partic-
ular tree.
-Medley
Barber: Haven't I shaved you before?
Victim: Oh, no, I got these scars in the war.
-Medley
MATTER OF PUNCTUATION
Motto of the Phi Bete: Study like hell!
Motto of the athlete: Study? Like hell!
-Widow
Then there was the co-ed who thought sex was
something they keep potatoes in.
-Ohio Sun Dial
Indignant wife (to inebriated husband) : And
what does the clock say?
Husband: It shays "tick-tock," and doggies shay
"bow-wow" and cows shay "moo-moo" and little pus-
sy cats shay "meow-meow." Now are ya satisfied?
-Flamingo
She was as pretty as a picture-so he framed her.
-Rammer-Jammer
TIGER HOTEL
Page Five
PK
KNIGHT'S
STREET'S FORD SERVICE
The New Missouri
"Showme"
VOL. III. SEPTEMBER 15, 1931 NO. 1
Editor-in-chief
HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN
Business Manager
GENE W. MOORE
Contributors to this number
are:
Lovan R. Hall, Helen
Eastes, David (Cap) Pais-
ley, Clif Jones, Clark Nich-
ols, Dpnald Cullimore, and
Earl Voight.
Copyright, 1931 by Missouri
Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex-
clusive reprint rights granted to
College Humor. Published by Sigma
Delta Chi as the Official Humor
and Literary Publication of the
University of Missouri.
Address all communications to
THE MISSOURI SHO WME,
care Herald-Statesman Bldg., Co-
lumbia, Missouri.
ABSOLUTELY NOT AN
EDITORIAL
WANTED: authors, humor-
ists, poets, cartoonists, satirists . .
and what not. Yes, we DO want
more contributors. Showme staff
positions that are now available
include: Advertising manager, cir-
culation manager, art editor, man-
aging editor, office manager, ex-
change editor, poetry editor, hum-
or editor,-well, in fact, the entire
staff is open for those who are
willing to work for them.
These positions are open to ev-
ery student, regardless of school
or department. They are to be
filled by persons who by their
work prove that they are the right
ones to fill these vacancies left
over from last year.
Many of the old contributors
will be surprised to find this first
number appearing the first day of
school, yet we wish to mention
that new staff positions are open
to everyone-whether they have
ever worked on the Showme be-
fore or not!
Pay us a visit at our office any
time in the afternoon, we will be
glad to talk shop with you.
All material for the October
Number which will be published
October 8 must be handled in be-
fore the end of September. Get
busy !
And what did you say your name was?
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven
The Showme Show
HELLO, public, greetings upon
your return to the grind agin . . .
Overheard a couple of citizens dis-
cussing this university situation in
connection with hard times. One
old patriot rallied forth with the
remark that ". . this is going to be
a long uphill climb to an education."
The fact that we don't chew the
rag prevented us from returning
with "Yeh, well some of us are
able to make the grades."
With school not twenty-four
hours old, most of us will have al-
ready heard each other's vacation
stories so many times that bull-ses-
sions will already grow weary.
Tales ranging from Russia to Mex-
ico, Westphalia to Sedalia will fill
our ears until the drums almost pop
... and soon it will be good grounds
for murder when someone stops us
on our way to dinner to yell out
"By the way, did you hear about
Elmer down in Afghanistan this
summer ?"
And what did you say your name
was? E. Willis Brown and Doug
Attaway with their "European Folk
Tales" . . J. C. Goodwin and his
"Travels through Mexico on Horse-
back" along with a supplement by
Martha Ann Martin and that crowd
who trained it down which reads:
"What I saw in Mexico City and
None of Your Business Why" fol-
lowed by a suppressed edition of
"Why They Wrote That Song
About Monterrey" with words and
music by Dwight Johnson and
Frank Gearhart . . . . and Marvin
Goforth's vocal chorus "Broadway
as I Saw It" and an all-musical
version of "Confessions of an
American Collegiate Orchestra
Tearing Through Europe" with
skits by Ed Connor, Al Christman,
Paul Jones, Bob Logan, George
Phelps and a number of others who
ran across Glen Degner, former
student president, while carousing
around Paris and vicinity .... such
tales will be sold and traded at
5-to-1 odds for any of the stories
by the gang who remained here and
made the weakly week-ends to
Westphalia and Jeff.
Sorry to hear that Bus Keeton
and Chas. Higgins' trip ended in
Monterrey when their motorcycle
tried to hug a lamp post.
And what did you say your name
was? Again we hear that the cam-
pus nightwatchmen may still have
the prize stories of just what did
go on this summer. And then we
await an explaination of why rot-
ten eggs were thrown at the Beta,
Alpha Gamma Rho, Triangle and
Sig Ep houses during July and why
several other houses (which offer
choice targets) were spared!
The farmhouse chaperon this
summer played revenue officer and
poured twenty-five gallons of the
boys' best down the drain. It must
have been terrible for the boys,
especially with the raiding of the
ill-famed "garden" following the
close of summer school. The rev-
enue boys were nice about it and
waited until the session was over.
According to Kansas City and St.
Louis newspaper stories, the gar-
den was described by such terms:
"A student's rendezvous" a "road-
house" and even as far as to call
it "a night club."
Can you imagine a modern girl,
especially a co-ed, wearing a corset
... and to a beer party . .. a pre-
registration affair? We can . . .
we know : .. for a fact.. well .. we
were surprised . . . for we'd of
never thought of it ...
Keep your eye peeled for a Tri-
Delt-Delta Sigma Phi merge for
we understand that Mary Burr hop-
ped down to Texas as she could not
wait until September to see Neal
Guy. Speaking of eyes, many have
been set on Bud Pollitt's pin . . .
we sympathize with those who
mourn its passing . . . and if the
lucky K. U. maiden scans this sheet,
we offer congratulations. Mrs.
Betty Brooks Brown will soon be
herself again, while on the other
hand . . . the royal families of Delta
Gamma and Kappa Sig have united
in the marriage of Bill Stryker and
Helen Henry. And speaking of
marriages, and all that, we under-
stand that a committee of two for
the Workshop selected an rather ex-
pensive sterling silver serving tray
for Mr. and Mrs. Donovan Rhyns-
burger.
For something to do, we might
ask John Lee if he missed K. C.
this summer. Yes, he spent his
vacation as an instructor, or some-
thing, at a boys' camp about 15
miles out from the city. And while
on College Ave., wander over to
the Figam house and ask the boys
if Howard Brecht intends to sing
his "Rise and Shine" song to the
new pledges. Tis Suggett, pride
and glory of the news class, is now
working for the State Dept. of
Health--that's a healthy job we
hope. Seymour Margules, for-
mer ex-Stage-Door Johnny is try-
ing to ,sell ads on a Dallas newspa-
per. Like many grads of the
Journalism school, he is looking for
a job that offers a salary along with
other advantages.
Mary Paxton Keeley is back and
with some new plays. Will Mary
ever grow up and stop play-ing
around?
For those who failed to go any
where this summer, we suggest a
a substitute trip to old England, a
visit and, if possible, an inspection
tour through the new Kappa Sig
house. It will bring back to mind
the days of Sir Richard, Lancelot
and even, Ivanhoe. It is beauti-
ful. Old English and artistic to
the last note. The boys and Ross
Dunwoody are to be commended
(Continued on page ten)
Page Eight THE MISSOURI SHOWME
TRADITIONal TALES
or
What We Can Learn at College
From out of the realms of nowhere, we bring
back to mind, for a moment of clear and clean
thought, some of those things we are supposed to ab-
sorb while we go through the four (and five or six
for some) years of this University machine. Per-
haps we recall them to prepare ourselves for the ques-
tion: WHAT ARE the so-called traditions of this
institution? . . . . And, as a matter of form, we in-
troduce them to the freshman (not expecting that he
will respect or remember them, for little do the up-
perclassmen pay homage to these customs of yester-
year) but merely for the purpose of acquainting him
with a few things that all students were required to
honor way back when the collegiate style included long
sideburns, high button shoes, and a three-inch stiff
collar. (For further reminiscences, see the "Old Fash-
ioned Girl Number of the Showme-Adv.)
According to some of the older sophomores in the
Engine School who are still trying to pass Hydraulics,
there is still some gossip about a tradition lingering
around "The Six Sacred Columns." For years fresh-
men have -always been obsessed with the idea of dig-
ging underneath them to find who is buried there, how-
ever we might say that the terrible odor really comes
from the Chemistry Building. As the engineers' story
goes, and they stick to it, only seniors and grads are
permitted to walk around the upper mound near the
columns. Even one of the older boys (when inter-
viewed) insisted that with special permission, a faculty
member or delegated alum could even sit on the base of
the columns. Tsk! Tsk!
Furthermore, we learned that the dear ole jun-
iors are permitted to go as far as to walk around the
lower mound, while those terrible sophomores possess
the privilege of walking on the campus as far as to
the columns. However . . . . freshmen could get no
closer to the columns than the sidewalks would permit.
These rules were supposed to be strictly enforced
by the "Paddle Squad" of selected engineers. With-
in the past few semesters we have had the pleasure
to witness a few such outbreaks at which occasion
some poor soul gets his tanned! . . . But in the long
run (and it usually is a long run) the main purpose
of the whole idea-that of saving or protecting the
weeds and everglades on the quad-is forgotten, for
after one of these melees the after-effects are still ob-
vious until spring planting or until the Ag short course
finals.
While dwelling on the Ag "seet-ye-ation," we
might add that they, too, have a similar custom on their
sacred grounds .... which as a mater of fact is more
thoroughly enforced. However the engineers are
somewhat more civil in administering their punishment,
for, after it is over, they immediately resume their
idleness, but with the ags conditions are different. In
Mumford Hall classes must be postponed for several
hours, at least until a few members of the Ag paddle
line are able to have their tonsils swabbed and their
voices restored.
And now to stroll south to the corner of Ninth
and Conley, we are confronted with a building com-
monly known as "the Law Barn," wherein reside
out "honest" lawyers, for whom Diogenes may still be
searching. The chief tradition among lawyers is to
flunk the bar exam .... . . but we will let that drop.
Running a furlough behind, we find among other law
traditions the idea that everyone but lawyers are no
better than the scum of the earth, and especially en-
gineers. Once a year, at least, once, the two schools
.engage in a semi-friendly game of football with the
lawyers usually on the winning side. This is either
because they can secure more professionals to play for
them under their "pre-law" ruling, or because they
can out-argue the poor engineers who unfortunately do
not have their slide rules with them . . .. or both!
Lawyers and Engineers again tie-up during St.
Patrick's week when the latter paint the town green
and the former try to rub it off.
Now, to return to some more respectable customs,
we find that freshmen still buy caps, and better still,
we have evidence that some actually wear them! ..From
various sources we are told that freshmen are sup-
posed to decorate their skulls with their caps from
September until the day before the Thanksgiving game,
at which time they engage in fisticuffs with what few
sophomores who do turn out in behalf of the class.
And winning as they always do, the frosh burn their
caps along with an effigy of the sophomores. But if
they should lose, the custom is so arranged that they
are to be tormented with their caps until X'mas.
Along with the wearing of the cap, there is the
custom of using it to recognize upperclassmen (which
may include anyone but the sucker who will squat and
thumb his cap-button.)
As time rolls along and we begin to anticipate the
arrival of the second or third check from home, the
freshmen, under the careful guidance of Prof. Wrench,
are organized enough to get together and rush down
Ninth Street and congregate in front of the Missouri
(Continued on page twelve)
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine
The Showme Presents.....
Blank & Stoller, Inc. (copyright)
Mr. O. O. McIntyre
ITS GODFATHER, who has honored THE
SHOWME by accepting this title and has given
us permission to print this photograph which he
has presented to the magazine and which now
hangs in the SHOWME office. We are anxiously
awaiting a message for a future number from our
Godfather to his Godchildren.
Page Ten
The Hit of The Weak.
She:: "You don't love me any
more. I'm going back to my moth-
er."
He: "Don't bother. I'll go back
to my wife."
-Voodoo.
Both them hula girls loved the
same man, so they pulled straws for
him.
-Whirlwind.
Check and Double Check
He phoned his sweet boob-a-doop
long distance. Five minutes later:
"Deposit one dollar, please."
He talked some more.
"Deposit another dollar, please."
No answer.
"Deposit another dollar, please."
"For goodness sake, how can I?
The thing's clogged up with my
last check."
-Siren.
Number 308 (in Harem): "Did
you know that Solomon is 85 years
old tomorrow? What shall we
give him?"
Number 23..: "A night off."
-Yellow Jacket.
I think the moon is overrated, dear
I thanked its magic spell
Until one night with you it didn't
appear,
And we did quite as well.
-Froth.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
SHOWME SHOW
(Continued from page seven)
for what they have done, especially
out there on the hill.
For one of the grandest views
ask Ross to show you the one iron
the library (which is wonderful it-
self even its collection of books
ranging from 100 best detective
stories to "What every Woman
Should Know" . . and .they are ac-
tually in the collection) and to get
back to the view-that one from the
library running west into the par-
lor and for another good view, visa-
versa. Don't fail to see the den.
that is if you can get in . . it's real
den-ish ... and what a lovely porch
with all its advantages, etc . . . in
the daytime it offers a pretty view
of the tennis courts, terrace and
barbecue oven. We are well
pleased with the choice of furniture,
lamps, pictures, and-well, you
must see it for yourself, for it's like
the proposition: "When you come
to a sign you have to detour.
There's no other way around it !"
HALL
How do you know she's a radio
announcer's daughter?
She told me to please stand by.
"I wanna enroll in the
wrestling class, Sir."
"Judge, dis niggah promised to
take me to Florida."
"Naw, I didn't, Judge, I only
said I was goin' to Tampa with
her."
-Texas Ranger.
"Is my face dirty or is it my im-
agination ?"
"Your face is clean, I don't know
about your imagination.
-Malteaser.
Mary had a little lamb-
Which is unconventional to say
the least.
-Sniper.
Hello, hello, hello. Operator, give
me the Ozone Cab Co. Hello,
Ozone? I'm calling from Salt Lake
City. This is Brigham speaking.
I'm taking my wife to the prom.
Will you please send up a fleet of
cabs.
-Red Cat.
Voice (over the phone): "Cen-
tral, I want a policeman badly."
Operator (sighing dreamily):
"Gee, kid, so do I."
-Temple Owl.
Pledge: "Say, I've just sobered up. Can you tell
me whose button this is?"
Stout Woman: I want to return this washing ma-
chine.
Salesman: Why, what's wrong with it, lady?
S. W.: Every time I get in the thing, the paddles
knock me off my feet.
-The Puppet.
Father is the necessity of convention.-Medley.
Some femmes are good in spots and bad in spots.
Lonely spots for instance.
-Wampus.
"Harry surprised me by telling me that we're go-
ing to take our honeymoon in France."
"How nice, and did he spring it on you?"
"He said as soon as we were married, he would
show me where he was wounded in the war."
-Octopus.
Voice from Passing Auto: "Engine trouble, Bud ?"
Voice from Parked Car: "No."
Voice from P. A.: "Tire down?"
Voice from P. C.: "'Didn't have to."-Mugwump.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven
Mug:: Say, I can twist this little dial and get New
York.
Pug: That's nothing, I twisted a little dial and got
Sing Sing.
Janet: I love you bushels and bushels.
Jack: Are they standard measure, honey?
Whim: What did she say when you asked her for
pie ?
Wigger: Oh, I got a tart reply!
Larry the Life Guard says: "It's only a darned
fool that would hug the shore when the surf is full of
bathing beauties."
If a girl starts to walk back from an airplane ride
some fellow is sure to glide her home.
Flo: "Hasn't she a muddy complexion?"
Jo: "You bet! It's slippery when she cries."
Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME
TRADITIONAL TALES
or
What We Can Learn at College
(Continued from page eight)
Theater, where with town boys, seniors and alums,
they go into a huddle and shout "Mizzou" three times
and crash the gate! This practice originated out of
the original freshman shirt-tale snake-dance or "The
parade of the Thundering Thousand," five hundred or
dirty dozen, who on the night of a victory of the Tiger
football team raised so much hell, the theater had to
let them in so the townspeople could go to sleep.
Among the numerous celebrations, both private
and otherwise, before-during-and after football sea-
son, we recall, as best of all, the night of the bonfire
before Homecoming. Some of us, however retain
only slight recollections of such events, yet we are
led to understand that they do have a bonfire. Each
year the job of collecting material for the fire grows
more difficult, especially since the folks no'th of
Broadway are wise and now cement their telephone
booths to the foundations.
Delving (no, Elmer, not diving, delving) into the
more aged traditions we have stumbled into a little
something concerning temperance rules for freshmen.
Chief among them, and to our amazement, we learn
that freshmen are neither to be seen nor heard during
the evil hours of night when everyone is trying to
keep from studying. Nor are they to frequent, visit,
loiter or be observed in on near the pool-halls. (No
relation to Jesse and Read). Likewise gossip goes
along to include restrictions as to regulating a frosh's
dating, wearing his roomie's socks, saying naughty
woids, and the like!!
To save out readers trouble we will add that a
number of these rules and rag-u-lations are still pub-
lished and thrown in with no extra charge when pur-
chasing a freshman cap. Buy one and see for your-
self! To those desiring more de-tailed information
regarding rules, just thumb your nose to a member of
the Student Senate as you plow across the quad.
If by chance, and a small one, you should come
near the Journalism Building some night as you cut
thru the campus on the way to the evening shows
(those at the theaters) we suggest that you whistle
as you go thru the little park just behind the build-
ing-it's safer for your Adam's apple. And if you
risk it to go that way during the daytime, take a little
time out to pause and look at the old, shall we say-
rustic, bridge across the little "crik" there. Would-be
newspaper men and women (those who gab at every
corner they can find) tell us that one will never be as
success in the journalistic world until he or she has
been kissed while crossing this bridge. A number of
(Continued on page thirteen)
J.C.Penny Co.
JCPenny Co.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Page Thirteen
TRADITIONAL TALES
(Continued from page twelve)
grads have informed me to stay away from yon bridge
and take a shot at the desk-book for diversion.
The newest tradition to develop around the lino-
type area is one that is centered around the west side
of Neffall where the two stone lions stand guard. The
story about what the lions will do is similar to the
one told about the two lions in Kansas City at Broad-
way and E. Armour Blvd. Just ask anyone from
Kansas City what the reference is. And, if you are
from Kansas City, it's your own fault!
BALLADE OF PROTEST
by
"M. B."
(From the Texas Longhorn-Ranger)
Although, in life's recent stages
Colleges have borne the gory
Bludgeonings of all the sages,
Who proclaim, quite mandatory,
That the women, a priori,
Cause our morals low to sink,
I don't feel condemnatory;
All co-eds aren't what you think!
When I meet a lad who rages
Over woman's pristine glory,
Crying we should be in cages,
Though I fear his territory
Suffers from some predatory
Creature warm and soft and pink,
Still I utter, con amore,
All co-eds aren't what you think!
While you turn the daring pages
Of some novel amatory,
Wherein some wild youth engages,
Choosing words too excretory,
To set forth the idea hoary,
That we girls are on hell's brink,
Heed my words exhortatory:
All co-eds aren't what you think!
ENVOI
You who hear some college story
Full of necking, smoke, and drink,
Trust not innuendoes gory-
All co-eds aren't what you think!
"And what did you say your name was?"
Page Fourteen
WHAT IS GOLF?
(Author Unknown)
Golf is a form of work made expensive enough
for a man to enjoy it .. . it is a physical and mental
exertion made attractive by the fact that you have to
dress for it in a $250,000 club house.
Golf is what letter-carrying, ditch-digging, and
carpet-beating would be if these three tasks had to be
performed on the same hot afternoon in short pants
and colored socks by gouty-looking gentlemen who
required a different implement for every mood.
Golf is the simplest looking game in the world
when you decide to take it up . . . . and the toughest
looking after you have been at it for ten or twelve
years.
It is probably the only known game a man can
play as long as a quarter of a century and then dis-
cover that it was too deep for him in the first place!
The game is played on carefully selected grass
with little white balls and as many clubs as the player
can afford .... These balls cost from 75 cents to $25 ...
and it is possible to support a family of ten people
(all adults) for five months on the money represented
by the balls lost by some players in a single afternoon.
A golf course has eighteen holes . . .. seventeen
of which are unnecessary and put in to make the game
harder. A "hole" is a tin cup in the center of a
"green." A "Green" is a small parcel of grass cost-
ing about $1.98 a blade and usually located between a
brook and a couple of trees . ... or a lot of "unfinish-
ed excavation."
The idea is to get the golf balls from given points
into each of the eighteen cups in the fewest strokes
and . .. the greatest number of words.
The ball must not be thrown, pushed, or carried.
It must be propelled by about $200 worth of curious
looking implements, especially designed to provoke
the owner.
Each implement has a specific purpose and ulti-
mately some golfers get to know what that purpose
is . . . They are the exceptions.
Tell them you saw it In The Showme
Tillotson's
Jewel Shop
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
After each hole has been completed, the golfer counts
his strokes.....Then he substracts six and says: "Made
that in five . . That's one above par . . . Shall we play
for fifty cents on the next hole, too, Ed?"
After the final or eighteenth hole, the golfer adds
up his score and stops when he has reached eighty-
seven. He then has a swim, a pint of gin, sings
"Sweet Adeline" with six or eight other liars . . . and
calls it the end of a perfect day!
EDITOR'S NOTE-(This "treatise" on golf was taken
from a trade magazine published in Kansas City, Mo. The
author is absolutely unknown. Anyhow, we'll wager it
was taken from actual experience.)
What do you want for your birthday?
Something for my neck.
My gosh! Have you started charging for that?
-Battalion.
POLO SCHEDULE
Sept. 19-Practice games
Sept. 26-Practice games
Oct. 1-St. Louis Country Club at St. Louis
Oct. 3-St. Louis Country Club at St. Louis
Oct. 8-Iowa State College at Columbia
Oct. 10-Iowa State College at Columbia
Oct. 15-Oklahoma Military Academy at Columbia
Oct. 17-Oklahoma Military Academy at Columbia
Oct. 22-Oklahoma University at Columbia
Oct. 24-Oklahoma University at Columbia
Oct. 29-Ohio State University at Columbia
Oct. 31-Ohio State University at Columbia
Nov. 5-University of Illinois at Columbia
Nov. 7-University of Illinois at Columbia
Nov. 12-Iowa State College at Ames
Nov. 14-Iowa State College at Ames
A total of fourteen games with ten played in Columbia
and four played on trips.
Patronize these advertisers
Dr. H. H. Buescher
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
"That's all right, just call me mother"
Boss: Late again!
Clerk: Well, my wife presented me with a baby
last night.
Boss: She would have done a lot better with an
alarm clock.
Clerk: Come to think of it, that would have been
an achievement.
-Medley
He: What are women good for?
She: Many of us aren't.
-Brown Jug
"His name is Charlie Mellikevlamana."
"Finnish?"
"I did; that's all.'
-Brown Jug
"Hey, Gadget, suppose you're officer-of-the-deck
of a ship at sea. It is night and a heavy sea is run-
ning. Suddenly you see a rocket go up to leeward,
followed by another and another, what is it?"
"Coney Island, sir."
-Log
Patronize the merchants.
THE EVEREAT CAFE
Page Fifteen
Tiger Beauty Shoppe
POLO
PETERSON'S
STUDIO
Page Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Original rushee scouting around
for a date.
NO FAIR
Driver of car (unfamiliar with
the road): "I take the next turn,
don't I?"
Muffled Male Voice From the
Back Seat: "Like hell you do!"
-Jack-o'-Lantern.
"How come the asbestos gloves ?"
"I'm going out with Gregory-
May tonight."
-Pitt Panther.
Stude: "What is the literal Latin
for 'He pretended he wanted to
ride'?"
Stewd: "Hitch, hike, hokum."
-Columns.
Once: Was he surprised when
you said you wanted to marry his
daughter ?
Twice: Was he? The gun near-
ly fell out of his hand.
-Rice Owl.
"Curse it! Curse it!" hissed the
villian snatching at the girl's waist.
"No it isn't, either," she retorted,
"it's a girdle."
-Beanpot.
"See the beautiful virgin pines."
"Yeah, and I know what she's
pining for."
-Puppet.
"I hear that when Mrs. Smythe
died she left $70,000 in her bus-
tle."
"My, my, that's a lot of money to
leave behind."
-Carnegie Tech. Puppet.
She: "Do you care for pink step-
ins ?"
He: "Now let me see... "
-Red Cat.
Mary has a little swing,
It isn't far behind;
And everywhere that Mary goes
The swing is just behind.
-Log.
She laughed when I sat down on
the park bench, but when I started
to play-."
-Frivol.
Two people who can always
make ends meet: The Siamese
Twins.
-Arizona Kitty Kat.
Any taxi driver can make a run-
ning broad jump.
-Blue Jacket.
Eve decided to outsmart Adam
so she made herself an apron of
leaves. It happened they were poi-
son ivy so she succeeded in her de-
sire.
I think that I shall never see
An F as lovely as an E.
An E whose form is pressed.
Upon the records of the blessed.
An F comes easily-and yet,
It isn't easy to forget;
F's are made by fools like me,
But only God could make an E.
--Ghost.
Mister, do you believe in the sur-
vival of the fittest?
Hell, no! ! I'm an undertaker.
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
Kress'
Patronize these merchants
CONLEY-MYERS BANK
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seventeen
Ekel: "Give me a sentence with the word avoid
in it."
Bedekel: "I can't hear avoid you say."
Mule: Hello, What are you?
Austin: I'm an automobile. What are you?
Mule: I'm a horse.
And they both laughed.-Dodo
"Hey, you can't dance that way in here."
"But this is interpretative dancing."
"Then I'm interpreting it the wrong way."
-Octopus
You gotta give 'em credit: An Eskimo is the only
one who can be married one day and have a good
sized family the next.
-Columbia Jester
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
UNIVERSITY SHOPPE
Patronize these merchants
Satterlee 's
Missouri Theatre Bldg.
Anderson Drug Company
Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
She: Would you go through fire for me?
He: Gladly, dear.
She: Well, try it some time-you aren't too hot
at present.
-Old Maid.
Nurse: Mr. Jones, you are the father of quad-
ruplets.
Mr. Jones: What! One of them things that runs
around on four legs?
-Ski-U-Mah.
Patronize these advertisers
A. 0. Cullen Garage
Patronize Showme advertisers
Missouri Flower Shop
Tell them you saw it advertised In The Showme
GREEN MILL
"That will be enough out of you" said the doctor
as he stitched the patient together.
-Malteaser
"Say, sit down in front!"
"G'wan, I don't bend that way."
-Log
This little sheep went to market . . .
This little sheep stayed at home . . .
And so we have Virgin Wool.
-Red Cat
TECHNIQUE
Co-ed: "Where did you learn to kiss like that?"
Frosh: "Clucking at the horses."
-Utah Humbug
He: "Well, that sounds very fine, but tell me, Has
your apartment a fire-escape?"
She: "Oh, yes."
He: "Fine, that lets me out."
-Cornell Widow
Wife to hubby who has stumbled over a chair in
the dark trying to get to bed after a large evening:
"Is that you, John?"
Yesh, m'dear, if 'taint I'm going to 'ply for a
divorshe."
-Case Tech
Tatoo Artist: "See that girl? Well, I've got de-
signs on her."
Flora: "I hate Bob."
Dora: "Why?"
Flora: "Well, I offered to take whatever he
thought my kisses were worth and this morning he
sent a bill marked 'physical labor'."
Tell them you saw their ad in the Showme
Tiger Laundry and Dry
Cleaning Co.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nineteen
She: "Would you love me if I didn't have a cent ?"
He: "Sure thing, old dear, but did you ever try
using Life Buoy."
-White Mule.
Instructions
It takes two to catch a dream
You must both be aware
Well before, where it lies
Wary and hidden. Dreams scare
Easily ..... And you must go
With your nets fashioned of
Hope and determination,
Patience and Love .....
Then, when you see it clear,
Do not fumble or hesitate;
Quickly make your cast; the next
Second will be too late.
Work with great gentleness,
Not to harm the gold that clings,
To its feathers, or the frail
Splendor of its wings . . .
Hold it close to your hearts
While you might count three;
Examine it intently;
Then set it free.
Fools may advise caging it
Or stuffing it . . . . Never!
Follow my plan and have
A nice dream forever.
-John V. A. Weaver,
Written especially for the Columbia Jester.
"How much did you say them apples is?"
"Fifteen cents a peck."
"What do you think I am-a bird?"
-Sun Dial.
Montgomery Ward
& Company
Patronize these merchants
YELLOW CAB
and
BAGGAGE CO.
Patronize Showme advertisers
Proctor-Hudson
Electric Shop
Tell them you saw it in The Showme
Boone County
National Bank
Page Twenty
Life Savers
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
Johnnie McGuire
Patronize these advertisers
H.R. Mueller
Florist
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
"A penny for your thoughts."
"A penny hell. It's the kind of thing you pay
$8.80 a seat for on Broadway."
-Jack-O-Lantern
"Did you hear about the Egyptian government
washing the desert with Lifebuoy?"
"Yes, there were some awful sphinx out there."
-Froth
APPROPO AT MISSOURI
Delta Tau: I didn't sleep a wink last night.
D. U.: Why not?
D. T.: The shade was up.
D. U.: Well, why didn't you pull it down ?
D. T.: I couldn't reach to the Theta house.
-Sour Owl
"Was it much of a necking party last night?
"Was it ? Say, before the dance the hostess says:
"Everyone chews his own partner."
-Royal Gaboon
Tell them you saw their ad in the Showme
Greenspon's
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one
In a cigarette it's taste, but in an Austin it's
impossible
For those who can't understand Einstein here
is a much simpler formula to relativity:
To one gallon of apple cider add one cup of
raisins and one cup of brown sugar. Let solution
stand in warm corner for at least six weeks or until
odor is as offensive as ten skunks in parallel on a
damp night. After consumption of the above prod-
uct, it is seen what makes the world go around.
-Green Griffin
Masher (to sweet young thing)-What's your
telephone number?
S. Y. T.-You can find it in the phone book.
Masher--Well, then what's your name?
S. Y. T.-That's in the phone book, too.
"You know, Henrietta, every time I see you my
heart beats faster. I feel the urge to do bigger and
better things. I feel so strong and virile. Do you
know what that means?"
"Sure. It means in about five minutes you and I
are going to have a wrestling match."
-Sun Dial
You'll find that. when you're dancin'
To some music quite entrancin'
You can always do free lancin'
With your eyes-
But remember when you're lovin'
In a corner turtle-dovin'
That a precious line of nothin'
May be lies!
-Sun Dial
Judge: And what are your grounds for divorce?
Young Bride: Harry snores.
Judge: How long have you been married?
Bride: Two weeks.
Judge: Granted. He shouldn't snore.
-Splinters
Buchroeder's
Tell them you saw It advertised in The Showme
E. C. Clinkscales & Sons
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
College Cleaners
Tell them you saw it advertised in The Showme
Sun Life Assurance Company of Canada
Page Twenty-two
Polly and Molly
Pratlings By A Pair Of Prize
Punsters
Polly: Well, girl, last night I
had the cuh-raze-i-est dream. And,
honey, he was simply darling! But,
.... oh, heck, that kind of a man
would propose to me in a dream!
Molly: I had a crazy dream last
night too, but it was about that
darn Alfred Brown. Do you
know Al, Polly? Thought maybe
you did. Well, . . uh . . I dreamed
that he had a date with that awful
Sue Smith. You know Sue, don't
you, Polly? She's that tall girl with
the red hair who sat next to Mary
Walker at graduation .... and
she had on the queerest . . . well,
maybe not exactly queer, but . . oh,
well she had on a funny looking
dress. Yeh, her ole man gave her
that new car for her graduation
gift, but she didn't get it until two
weeks after school was out.
Polly: Funny thing how all the
good luck goes to the dum clucks.
Isn't it, Molly? Why, all my folks
gave me for graduation is this wrist
watch, and . . . . well, tho it is pret-
ty, you can't go for a ride in it ....
Molly, don't you think it is simply
terrible for a girl to pick up a boy
and take him riding?
Molly: Oh, I can't say its
exactly wrong, . . . but...
Polly: Well, I saw this Sue
take your Al for a ride that night
of the freshmen's dance in-what's
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
the name of that big building? Oh,
yeh, Jesse Hall.
Molly: Did you see them leave,
too? Darn that Sue, I just can't
like her. And I'll fix Mr. Alfred
Brown for that, too.
Polly: Lot's of people condemn
her for doing what she does . . . oh,
I don't mean she does just anything
. or, well, just everything, you
know, anything that is real bad,
but it's the people she goes out with
that starts the talking.
Molly (angrily) : Say, you lay
off Al. What about yourself at
that Senior Class swimming party
Thursday afternoon before gradua-
tion? Oh, you remember .. yeh.
and I saw you .. and that ham
Freddie Baker. Freddie gave you
a regular bear hug, didn't he?
Polly: He most certainly did not!
We had our bathing suits on !
A Freshman Aspires To Be:
Captain of the football team,
A fraternity man,
Phi Bete,
Able to hold his liquor,
On a publication,
And after a successful year is:
A sophomore!
-Punch Bowl.
"What is heredity?"
"Something a father believes in
until he sends his son to College."
-Texas Ranger.
Little Willie: "Pa, what's
Weekly Financial Letter ?"
Pa: "I get one from your college
brother every Monday."
-Texas Ranger.
His First Day at the Gym
Prof.: "Did you take a shower
bath ?"
Frosh: "No, is there one miss-
ing ?"
-Bison.
"I see you have a sale of furs,
Fire sale?"
"No, mange."
-Purple Parrot.
Herald-Statesman
Publishing Co.
"And what did you say your
name was?"
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-three
INDEX TO SHOWME ADVERTISERS
Anderson Drug Company ........................
Dr. Blakemore.. ..........
Boone County National Bank ................
Buchroeder's . .......................... .....
Dr. Buescher ............ ......................
Camel Cigarettes .. .............................
College Cleaners ..... ....................
College Humor ... ..........................
Columbia Missourian..........................
Conlee-Myers Bank ...... ........................
Clinkscales Garage . .........................
A. O. Allen Garage ...................................
Evereat Cafe ......... ......................
Exchange National Bank ....................
Green Mill ............. ...............................
Greenspon's ............. ...............................
Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. ...........
Jackson-Finley Grocery Co .....................
Knight's .............. ...................................
Kress & Co ... ..........................
Life Saver ............. ..... ....................
Johnnie McGuire Band .....................
Missouri Floral Shop .........................
Montgomery Ward & Co. .............
Mueller Flower Shop ............................
J. C. Penney Company ........................
Peterson's Studio ..................................
P. K. Sandwich Shop ...............................
Polo Association ....... ...........................
Proctor-Hudson Electric Shop ................
Satterlee's Gift Shop .........................
Street's Ford Service ................................
Sun Life Assurance Company ...............
Tiger Beauty Shop .... ...................
Tiger Hotel ... .......
Tiger Laundry Company .....................
Tillotson's ........ ...
University Shoppe ........
The Wheel Cafe ......
Yellow Cab Company .......
SHOWME
CO-EDS!
Soon She'll Be Calling Amoebas
By Their First Names
Maybe, but she also keeps on speaking terms with the other
animals on the campus.
Classrooms may teem with stern professors earnestly intent
upon taking life seriously, but the Greek gods and goddesses
of the campus demand a touch of gayety in their education.
Something young, vivid, sparkling and exuberant.
Dick Hyland's Diary of a Football Player is one of the literary
surprises of the season. Leonora Baccante's Can't We Be
Friends? is another. Every co-ed will want to read new things
by Katharine Brush, O. O. McIntyre, Margaret Banning, Ach-
med Abdullah and Noel Coward-to mention but a few.
SPECIAL TO COLLEGIANS
9 Months (the school year) for $2.00
Camel Cigarettes