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Missouri Showme October, 1931; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1931

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Missouri Showme Oct. 15 cents "And another redskin bit the dust" Horatio Alger No. Chesterfield Cigarettes WAY OUT IN THE WEST Elsie was a maiden fair And she in gingham dressed, Her red, red lips and golden Hair, Way out in the West, Were wasted on the desert Air, Way out in the West. Along came Romya, bad man There, Way out in the West. He dragged her by her golden Hair, Right from her home so blest. "Oh, prithee, sir," spake the maid So fair, Way out in the West. "Please turn from me that evil Stare, Or I'll with the angels rest, Way out in the West. "Now you're with me, my maiden Fair, You well may be depressed." Now O'er the maid came blank Despair, Way out in the West; When in rode handsome Donald Dare, His horse was sorely pressed, And caught the villian in his Lair With manly vim and zest, The villian's life he did not Spare, Way out in the west. Then Elsie's hand took Donald Dare, Way out in the west, And my! they made a charming Pair. -Kathryn Bayne "Listen, boys and girls, that thing Rudy waves at his band isn't a baton, its a wand."-Voo Doo. Her-Oh, don't make me yawn. Him-My name ain't Yohn, it's Yim.-The Battalion. THE MISSOURI SHOWME AND ANOTHER REDSKIN BIT THE DUST Who amongst us has never taken a copy of an Alger Book or a dime novel from the bottom of our dresser drawer where we had hidden it and stole softly to some quiet secluded spot in our house to lose ourselves for sev- eral enjoyable hours in the ad- ventures of the boy-hero? Lost from the world, we read on-and as we enter each new chapter we soon became the boy- hero ourselves. His struggles became our struggles; his en- emies our enemies; and his achievements we dreamed as be- ing our own! The Alger Books were the young boy's delight. Back be- fore the days when the youth could see a good four-reel west- ern thriller for a dime, his enjoy- ment came from the cheap novel. "And another redskin bit the dust" . . . . couldn't he just pic- ture himself on the great open plains shooting Indians and watching them fall? Today with our modern talking love dramas or the gangster pic- tures, there is little to thrill to- day's youth in the way of read- ing. There no longer are books in the family library that would cause him to miss his supper, or even to encourage him to eat in haste in order to rush back and see what Bob Burton or Jack Dalton would do to the villain in the next chapter. In the following pages of the Showme we find the modern col- lege parody on the Alger-styled hero-story . . . . today's idea of the swift rise to success through struggle and hardship. Woe up- on those of us who derived pleas- ure from the original Alger works if he had chosen the 1931 style for his boy-hero! Page Three "How did you find Prof. Ein- stein ?" "Brushed the hair aside, and there he was!" -Black and Blue Jay. In Charge: I'm sorry, old fellow but I'll have to put you on a spe- cial diet with a special nurse. Charged: That's all right, Doc, but what kind of a couch is a diet ?" -Virginia Reel. Professor - This examination will be conducted on the honor system. Please take seats three apart and in alternate rows. Iowa Frivol. Freshman: "I wanna buy a hat." Salesman: "Would you like a Hom- burg, sir?" Freshman: "Naw, I ain't hungry; I just wanna buy a hat." -Juggler. Prince: "It doesn't take much to turn a girl's head these days does it?" Eugenie: "Evidently not. I noticed a silly-looking creature looking back at you just now." Page Four THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN Drs. Bueschers Chiropractors E. C. Clinkscales & Sons THE MISSOURI SHOWME Ho: And dey call youse a boxer. Why? Bo: Cause all me opponents is shipped home in boxes, dat's why! The Pullman conductor twitched the curtains of the berth. "How many are here?" he asked. "One," was the reply; "want to see our ticket?" --Punch Bowl. We have discovered at last the reason for having a yellow light in all tragic signals-it gives the Scotch- man a chance to get his motor started.-Lehigh Burr. "I hear you and the leading lady are on the outs." Electrician: "Yeah, it was one of those quick change scenes with the stage all dark. She asked for her tights and I thought she said lights."-Sun Dial. These glass dance floors are an awful strain on the eyes.-Punch Bowl. Oscar wants to know if the head of a farm is a farmer, is the hired man a pharmacist. -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. Typewriter Service Co. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five A fraternity man was badly mangled in a train wreck, and when the doctors tried to identify him by the clothes he was wearing, it looked as though the whole chapter was injured.-Boston Beanpot. At a recent wedding one of the guests brought her young baby: it cried throughout the ceremony. A: "Wasn't it annoying the way that baby cried ?" B: "It was simply dreadful. When I get married my invitations will have on them: 'no babies expect- ed.' "-Gargoyle. The honeymoon is over when she wants a heater in the coupe to keep her warm.-Wabash Caveman. Io: "Football has done a great thing for this coun- try." Dine: "In what way?" Io: "Why now you can walk down the street with a girl on one side and a blanket on the other and not be talked about.-Wesleyan Wasp. Our idea of an unbeatable combination is Methuse- lah's age and Solomon's wives.-Mountain Goat. R. O.: Gad, sir, the enemy is as thick as peas; what shall we do? T. C.: Shell them, you idiot, shell them!-Log. She (in poetical mood): What are the wild waves saying ? He: Sounds like its "splash."-Pitt Panther. A bachelor is a guy who didn't have a car when he was young.-Malteaser. Mother (examining daughter's wardrobe) : Did you go to the Prom this year, my dear? Daughter: No, mother, I ripped that shoulder strap playing tennis.-Voo Doo. "What did you operate on this guy for?" "$800." "No, I mean what did he have?" "$800."-Rutgers Chanticleer. Student: "Hey, I want to exchange this textbook." Co-Op Clerk: Too late, you've had it a whole se- mester. Student: But I just found out that every other page is missing.-Rutgers Chanticleer. She: Did Jane put up much protest when you kissed her? He: Did she? Oh, boy! It was a scream. She called her boy friend Lucky Strike because he was so kind to her throat.-Colo. Dodo. Tell them you saw it advertised in The Showme Liquid Hare Co. The New Missouri "Showme" VOL. III. October 19, 1931 No. 2 Godfather O. O. MCINTYRE Editor-in-chief HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Business Manager GENE W. MOORE Contributors to this number are: Editorial: Dorothea Pickett, Maxine Bickley, Hertha Luck- hardt, Betsy Holt, Kathryn Bayne, Jack Relmond, Ben Stone, Mar- jorie Boat, Neola Eyer, D. Rend- ler, and Cleve Kerndt. Art: Herb Roush, Betsy Holt, and Helen Eastes. Business and Circulation: Bob Race, Warren McIntyre, Martha Davis, John Slagle, Marian Kiser, Bill Sobol, J. A. Proctor, Jr., and Jerry Mills. Copyright, 1931 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex- clusive reprint rights granted to College Humor . Published by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Address all communications to THE MISSOURI SHOWME, care Herald-Statesman Bldg., Co- lumbia, Missouri. Watch for Announcements of Staff in November Number Showme staff positions will be announced in the November Number. These positions are to be awarded only to those who by their interest and work have proven they deserve a place on the staff. There is still plenty of time for others to try out for the staff. And in return the Showme is going to award to staff members whose work has been most out- standing during the year a beauti- ful key. Plans are underway for these keys and some designs by jewelers have already been con- tributed. More detail concerning the key will be announced in the November Number. The November Number, a dedi- cation to Football and Home- coming, will be out November 10th. Deadline for all material is October 31. AND WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS? THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven The Showme Show WHAT CAN WE EXPECT NEXT? We pin the flower on the pledge who thought the sub-sta- tion on Maryland was really for subways . . . . which is as bad as the little pledge on Richmond who was willing to furnish the crackers for her first jelly date. Can you feature the house president on the north side of Rollins being called for a date at 4 a. m. . . . . and with a jour- nalist, too? (No, she didn't go) .. Rebecca Stepp seems to be having a lot of trouble keeping names and faces straight . anyway, she broke the date as soon as she learned of her mis- take .. .. but after all what's in a name? And the same might go for some faces. HELD BY SUSPENSE MORE OR LESS. Stags at the Alpha Sig dance got extremely nervous (or inter- ested) when they saw Margaret Hanley's evening dress (the one without the shoulder straps). Surprisingly, it did not slip .... but we wonder how she keeps it up . . . . Delta Sig pledges believe that the A. D. Pi's and Gamma Phi's are rushing this Leap Year business. Feminine voices broke the silence on Richmond some- time ago when the girls played "Romeo and Juliet" with the "fraternary" boys . . . . Campus houses don't suit Phil Browning so he takes a suite at the Termin- al. Swell stuff, Phil . . . . even your steam heated garage and your jump from the "Golden Egg." RED APPLE. The orchestra at the Figam dance played "Stars and Stripes" in honor of George Baldry at their first dance this year. Ask George what the reference of that song at camp this summer meant. As a cue we offer these words: "Red Apple". .. . Judging from the way Bud Pollitt has been wearing those white gloves, one would almost think he was training to become a pallbearer Announcing the Com- mission for the sixteenth annual Journalism Show, BOTTOMS UP, appointed by Fielding L. Norton, Trenton, president of the Journalism Students Asso- ciation, Inc. General Chairman: J. Francis Eschen, St. Louis. Specialties and program: Dixie D. Brown, Ozona, Texas. Ticket Sales: R. Marvin Goforth, Kansas City. Publicity: J. C. Goodwin, Bessemer, Ala. Missouri Supplement Edi- tor: Catherine Bates, Ok- mulgee, Okla. Staging: Raymond Hol- man, Moberly. Costumes: Jane Lillis, Chillicothe. WATCH FOR THE JOURNALISM SHOW NEWS IN THE NOVEM- BER NUMBER OF THE SHOWME. OUT NOV. 10. .... and then we find on file this question: "Whyinell don't those Kappa Sigs do something about that darn brass plate at the front door ?" 'Tis most embarrasing to slip on the darn thing. What if some proud beauty should sud- denly lift her heels and drop it right there? .... Something fishy about Van Dyne's ineligibility, is't not . . . . Overheard a coupla' th' boys asking whether or not all Delta Gammas late date, or is that just the privilege of those who live outside of the house . . The football squad is en masse in the "History of Archi- tecture Class" . . . . Dr. Bill is re- ported as having instructed them to come to class in their uniforms if it would make them feel more at home. And what did you say your name was? A SCARE IN THE NIGHT. Dear lil Alpha Phi gals, at least some of them who were up late one night, got a scare and a thrill when a bunch of the boys paraded up their front lawn mi- nus shirts and trousers . . . Fern Spolander sure doesn't care about who knows her mind . . . . she makes easy this interview rack- et . . .. and as if we didn't know before it appeared in the K. C. Star that Delta Gams won't par- take of a 5c coke . . . . no use argyin' with those Leathernecks . . . . after a serenade turned in- to the well-known Bronx Cheer . . . . the girls tossed buckets of water on the would-be songsters . . . . but where did they get the buckets? WE ALL MUST HAVE AN ACTIVITY. Of all people we would never have expected to see Elsie Kel- logg and Libby Alves in the Bible School Library not so long ago . . . . well, maybe they're just a couple of pious Pi Phi's . . Imagine Dave Musgrave settling down and really studying the medical tomes .... The nude pic- tures still decorate the window on Ninth . . . . no doubt placed there in the interest of art or for (Continued on Page Fourteen) Page Eight THE MISSOURI SHOWME DICK DIVERS, MESSENGER BOY OR BOUND TO WIN A beautiful specimen assailed by ruffians. CHAPTER I-A Scream Rings Out Through the Park and Dick Divers Learns the Way of City Ruf- fians with a Maid. Little birds tittered merrily in the leafy branches, tired workmen walked cheerfully home with their pails of beer in the evening twilight and Dick Divers in his shiny blue messenger boy's outfit walked briskly along whistling in the twilight. Suddenly the air in Letzgo Park was pierced by a scream, "Help, help!" Turning quickly, handsome Dick sped in the direc- tion of this call, for never was our hero known to fail the signal of womanhood in distress. Parting the gooseberry bushes, he took in the situation at sight: A beautiful specimen of womanhood in its flower astride a horse was being assailed by ruffians-three of them. Dick Diver's blood boiled. Unleashing his trusty right, he struck the two larger rowdies at the horse's flank. Down they went like flotsam and jet- sam. He turned to the evilest of the three who was even then at the horses bridle. The maiden screamed as Dick knocked the villian sprawling in his tracks. In falling, the clumsy lout lunged against the horse- woman's boot. With a scream, she picked the assault- er from the ground in one swell loop and flung him into the park resevoir. "Remember," she called back as she rode away, "Hell hath no fury like a woman cornered." CHAPTER II-Love Stirs in Dick Divers' Breast and Reds Revolt in Russia. "Gad, what a woman," said our hero fervently. He was unaware of the drenching figure that rose like Venchence S. Mine from the resevoir behind him. It slunk away into the trees, but its malady lingered on. CHAPTER III-In Which a Wire is Received and a Blow is Given. Dick Divers mounted the steps of a brownstone front. "Telegram for Miss Wyn Wintzermann," he told Ike Goldman, the aged Scottish butler at the door. Twirling his blue cap in his hands, he waited idly on the outside steps. Down the street came a dancing bear. Our hero with his keen sense of hu- mor laughed merrily at the antics of the clumsy beast. Then at the sound of approaching footsteps within the house he turned and there in the doorway stood the handsome horsewoman, "Wyn Wintzerman." A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. He stood with the light of love in his eyes, a light that seemed to find echo in her liquid brown orbs. "Miss Wint- (Continued on Page Seventeen) She picked the assaulter in one swell loop. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine J. C. Penney C. Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME Only a Newsboy From the City Streets or Poor But Honest CHAPTER ONE The Hard School of Poverty "Paper! Paper! Won't anyone buy my paper ?" Passers-by hurrying hither and thither on the hot, busy streets of New York pased by unheeding the ragged urchin that earned his daily bread at the low- liest occupations. Today the customers were few, al- though usually the sales of our little hero far surpass- ed those of his youthful competitors. As a look of dark dispair flitted across the face of the little gentle- man of the streets, a well-dressed, opulent-looking lady stopped, impelled by the earnest cry. "I will buy a paper, my little man. And here, here is a penny for yourself to buy some nourishing food for your thin little body." While Tom is rejoicing in his good fortune, a few words of explanation and description may be in place. Our hero is a lad of twelve. Let me add that he is stoutly and strongly built, with an open face and a noble air that belies his humble position in life, for he is only a newsboy. He is earnest, honest, polite, and few of his comrades can down him in a fair fight, although of course, Tom never fights unless it is to defend the honor of a woman in distress. He spends much of his spare time in the neigh- borhood mission doing good to the poor and scorn- ing the evils of the pool halls around which many of his companions loaf, only to grow up to no good end or perhaps to die in the poorhouse. CHAPTER TWO Baffled But Not Discouraged Tom thanked the gracious lady, and ignoring the sneers of his rival, the cowardly Tony Lanessi, he turned his steps toward the hovel he called home. As he thrust open the door, a vicious voice called to him-a voice which he recognized immediately as that of the cruel brute he called father. "Gimme yer dough," snarled the uncouth moun- tain of a man to Tom. "Here it is, father, and here is a penny that a lady gave me." The answer was a curse-one which I will no repeat here in order to keep the vile thoughts of life away from the knowledge of my young readers. Then, with a kick, the drunken brute of a man thrust Tom out into the snow with ought but his scanty rags to protect him from the wintry blasts. CHAPTER 3 Running Away to the West Tom walked the streets of New York, but no- where could he find free lodgings, even for the night. Nowhere, in that heartless city of stone was there room for the hungry little waif. Even as 1 write, I struggle to suppress a tear of pity for the poor boy. Then, undaunted by failure, he renounced for- ever the sidewalks of New York, (to coin a phrase) and turned toward the West, the land of hope and opportunity. I may as well warn my young readers that there is no occasion for you to forsake your good homes to run away as Tom did. Circumstances alter cases, and a happy home should be appreciated. CHAPTER 4 Kind to Dumb Animals I will not burden the sorrows of that pitiful trek upon my kind readers, but will now shift the scene to limits of that frontier town, St. Joseph, Mo. Our hero has now entered upon the city not alone, for he carries with him a poor little coyote that he had found in the Rockies and whose tail he had bandaged up where it had been wounded. CHAPTER 5 Doing a Good Deed Waiting to cross the busy street, he heard a plain- tive voice behind him. "I wish I could get across the street," it said. "My pets will wonder what has become of me, I am so late." Tom turned and saw a sweet old lady in whose gentle face he read the purity of an honest, simple life. "I will take you across, good mother," he said with a polite bow. "Thank you, my noble lad," said the woman, tak- ing the arm of her gallant little escort in whose heart there breathed the words, "Somebody's mother." But Destiny awaited them on the other side of the street. CHAPTER 6 Foiling the Villian No sooner had they reached the opposite curb when darting from the crowd of passers-by there came a heavy-set youth with a sneer of evil on his face. (Continued on Page Fifteen) THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven LAW OF COMPENSATION The time has come when scholars smother In learning of some form or other, And test their powers of retention With someone's forty-fifth dimension. And while their minds are sorely vexed, the author of the brilliant text Is buried deep as any well In rousing tales of Little Nell. "Our hero staggers, turns away." Now take, for instances, statement A- "The villain stroked his waxed mustache!" The intersecting forces clash. "Our hero did not linger long-" The major premises are strong. "And wedding bells rang merrily." This proves the statement. Q. E. D. Thus, those who write our books are free From reading what they write, you see; While others, fired with ambition, Pursue their ways of erudition. H. D. L. "Ah, sweet mystery of life," said the call boy as he peeped into the chorus girls' dressing room. -Temple Owl. JUST ONE MORE SCOTCH JOKE A Scotchman was once run over by a beer wagon and for the first time in his life the drinks were on him.-Washington Dirge. WORSE AND MORE OF IT A freshman once asked that if he saw a girl with her heel coming off, would her name be Lucille. -Ala. Rammer-Jammer. MY HEART LEAPS UP My heart leaps up when I behold An Alger book in sight! I know that I'll be entertained By tales of youths who fame have gained Because their vigor ne'er ran cold; Their zeal stayed bright; Of hardships never they complained. These tales of youth so filled with fire Ambitions great in me inspire. -Betsy Holt. "Is Mary fast?" "Fast? Boy, she's fast asleep"-Nebraska Awgwan Pardon me, Helen, I think you dropped your chem- ise." "Oh, thanks a lot, Dick, I would never have noticed it. Isn't that my old brassiere sticking out of your pocket?" "No, I got that off Betty. But here are your bloom- ers." "Oh, good. At last I've got all my clothes together. Now, Dick, come over here beside me, and help me put them on." Oke, Helen, but you'll have to show me how they go. This'll be a swell window display when that dummy is dressed."-Cornell Widow. Our idea of a dirty trick would be to throw a couple of silver dollars at September Morn and tell her to catch one in each hand.-Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. She: "It must be wrong to love like this, dear." He: "It is."-Texas Longhorn-Ranger. Page Twelve A MILLION-DOLLAR THRILLER Parody on "I Found a Million Dollar Baby" I was in search of great adventure No better luck was had before; I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten- Cent Store. There were the stories of young heroes- The thing that I was looking for; I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten Cent Store. There were books by Alger, telling of the rise Of penniless young boys until they reached the skies. Incidentally, The way was not so very easy- They met with villains by the score; I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten Cent Store. -Betsy Holt. Apollo: Juno, Juno was there? Neptune: No, Jupiter there?-Iowa Frivol. New Definition: A monologue is a conversation with the professor whose course you are flunking. -Columns. S. A. E.-"Where in hell is that turtle soup ?" Waiter-"Sorry, sir, but you know how turtles are."--Mountain Goat. He: Didn't you bring me any fruit today? She: I plum forgot it. Him: Love me, love my dog. She: Oh, why do you have to be included? She may be the cattleman's daughter, but you can't play with her calves.-Rammer-Jammer. Pity the poor bee; he spends a lifetime making HIS honey.-Rammer-Jammer. THE MISSOURI SHOWME AN APOLOGY THE MISSOURI SHOWME wishes to apologize to Prof. Jesse Wrench and especially to Mrs. Wrench and to the Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity for a cartoon which appeared in the September issue of the SHOWME. The car- toon in question was misinterpreted, for THE MISSOURI SHOWME has no intention what- soever in ridiculing or offending anyone; this cartoon was published, as is the purpose of pub- lishing any and all cartoons in a humorous pub- lication, merely as a meaningless general joke. If any of the other readers of THE MIS- SOURI SHOWME has received this same mis- interperetation from the cartoon in question, we wish to apologize to them also, for it is not the policy of THE MISSOURI SHOWME to pre- sumptuously insult or offend any one person or party. Rather, it is the policy of THE MIS- SOURI SHOWME, through the efforts and original creations of its staff, to maintain and publish for the benefit and pleasure of the stu- dents of The University of Missouri, Christian and Stephens, as well as for the interest and satisfaction of graduates, and friends of the University in general, a clean, humorous, and interesting magazine, that will be good enough to receive their full acceptance in a spirit of fun yet, without making offenses at anyone, inten- tionally or accidentally. -The Editor. THE DIME NOVEL Struggling orphans raised to riches; Poor old mothers patching breeches, So their sons can go to work- No worthy boys their duty shirk; Cowboys riding in the West, Fighting Indians with much zest; Blood-thirsty outlaws; gangsters mean; Haunted houses, ghosts so lean, Frightful noises, murdered men; Chinese gang wars now and then; Lovely women, good and true, Seduced by men with morals few' Tales of passion and of love, And of adventurers who rove; Ugly villains who are crooks; Handsome heroes, found only in books; Wierd and tragic, love and crime- You can have them for a dime. --Betsy Holt. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen TERESA TURNIP OR MISSIONARY WORK IN THE WILDS OF AMERICA CHAPTER THE FIRST Little Teresa Turnip was leav- ing home to go into the cold, cruel world to seek her fortune. Her mother came to the gate to see her off. "Dear daughter," she said, "since I cannot go with you (your father has gout, and needs me to look after him, the lazy bum!) I give you my blessing, and this Good Book. Read it often. It has been the solace of women and the strength of men for many cen- turies." And she gave her a cook book. CHAPTER 2 And so little Teresa Turnip started out, and soon came to a big city. It was Chicago. While walking down the Boulevard she was accosted by a villainous gang- ster, Al Cucumber. "Your money, or your life," he shouted, waving a machine gun in one hand, and a pineapple in the other. "Alas, sir," responded the fair maiden, her blue eyes brimming with tears, "I have no money. But I will read you a few lines from the Good Book." So she read: "And lo, whosoever shall add a cup of diced carrots to the gravy, the same shall be rewarded with an excellent dish." Al burst into tears. "The same passage my dear dead mother used to quote!" And throwing away his weapons, he went to join a monastery. Third Chapter Little Teresa sought for employ- ment. She looked for work. She hunted for a job. Jobs were scarce, but she hunted anyway. Poor little maid. Little did she realize when the crafty Oswald Onion hired her as a nursemaid for his two child- ren, that he had dire designs on her! (But just see what happens in the next chapter. You'll be surprised.) Installment No. 4 Our heroine followed Mr. Onion to his palatial home on Garlic Boulevard. On the way, he stopp- ed and gave two dimes to children playing on the street, for he was a millionaire. Scarcely had they reached the house, when he locked the door. "Aha, my proud beauty! I have you in my power at last." Teresa decided that the only thing that would save her, was to swoon. So she did. (See next chapter. The villain has just left for water, so this is the intermission. Nothing will happen until he gets back.) Act Five-The Grand Finale Mr. Onion returned with a pail- ful of water, which he dumped on Teresa's head. She decided to un- swoon quickly, before she was drowned. She did. "But what about the two child- ren?" she cried, wringing her hands in dire anguish. "I have no children. I am a bachelor," he sneered, trying to put his arms about her waist. He fail- ed. It was two yards around. This left only one avenue of es- cape for our heroine. Opening the Good Book she read solemnly: "To one box of boiled macaroni, add a small can of tomatoes and a cupful of grated cheese. This dish will charm the hearts of all men." Oswald Onion fell to his knees, and wept bitterly. "Had I only remembered that verse of the Good Book, I might not be what I am today!" "It is never too late. You can reform," she comforted, sweetly. "Heaven bless you, child!" he said. He reformed. He also adopted Teresa, and made her the heir to all his millions. Morals (Choose One) Moral No. 1: Be faithful to the reading of a Good Book, and you may be addpted by a millionaire. Moral No. 2: Virtue has its own reward. -Hertha Luckhardt. THE ALGER HERO (A Parody on Blake's "The Lamb") Sturdy Youth, who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee? Gave thee life and bid thee work In the store and in the kirk; Gave thee cheerfulness of mind, A body strong, and heart so kind That all who hear thy friendly voice, Know there is reason to rejoice? Sturdy Youth, who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee? Sturdy Youth, I'll tell thee, Ambitious Youth, I'll tell thee: Horatio is thy maker's name- Through Alger thou hast gained much fame; Thy father died when thou wert young, And now we hear thy praises sung, For from thy poverty thou rose To wealth and joy and repose. Sturdy Youth, God bless thee, Sturdy Youth, God bless thee! -Betsy Holt Page Fourteen ELMER'S SWEET REVENGE or YOU CUR, SIR Chapter One DARK CLOUDS APPROACH Crack went Elmer's trusty rifle, and another of Squire Blastedbottom's Rhode Island Reds bit the dust. At once the crabby old squire came bounding from his big house and caught the youthful hunter by his red hair. "You young rapscallion, you! This is the second time I've caught you in the act red-hand- ed." Elmer looked at his hands which were dirty but not red. "Just for that I'm going to fore- close on your mother's mortgage. Elmer drew himself up and looked the squire in the eye (his good eye) and snarled, "You can't do that, you cur, sir!" Chapter Two DISASTER DESCENDS ON OUR HERO So did the squire. Chapter Three OUR HERO GOES OUT WEST And he does. So taking his rifle Elmer trudg- ed out into the cold, cold world. Forty days and an equal number of nights he traveled, always with his face toward the setting sun. At last he reached the Bar B Q ranch where he found a job herding cattle and shooing the butterflies away. Chapter Four THE INDIANS GO ON THE WARPATH Deep in the hills Chief Wang- doodle urged his braves (not to be confused with the Boston Braves) to go upon the warpath. And the warriors borrowed their squaws' lipstick and the feathers from their Empress hats and mounting upon their bicycles THE MISSOURI SHOWME went upon the warpath which led right past the Bar B Q. (Chapters 5 to 8 lost in the war) Act Nine, Scene Nineteen TRUE WORTH WILL ASSERT ITSELF or Victory Comes to Our Hero While watching his herds one night Elmer hears a slight noise above the din of his radio. In- vestigating he discovered eight redskins-no, make it forty red- guns ready to shoot down the skins around several machine helpless cows. Elmer sat down and began to think. Should he return to the ranch and call out the militia, or should he fight these Indians single-handed, us- ing both hands? Whatever else Elmer was, he was no gigolo. Taking a care- ful bead (Indians wore beads) he fired. One large redskin rose gracefully in the air, did a swan dive, and bit the dust. The other Indians were muchly annoyed and looked about for their artil- lery. Elmer must act quickly. He did. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Flit. Pointing the nozzle straight into the faces of his enemies he push- ed. The carnage was terrible to behold. And that, dear people, is how spring came to the Yukon. -Cleve Kerndt. SHOWME SHOW (Continued From Page Seven) better journalism . . . Have heard that the president of the Sopho- more council informed the boys that they had made a grave mis- take when they didn't elect him to fill one of the vacancies on the Student Senate .... Such modes- ty ! . . .. And now to announce the new professor in the Archi- tecture department, Mr. Hope Cunningham, and if you don't think Hope knows his designs you should see some of those he makes upstairs in Jesse some night .... .. Sig Alphs are back this year with their trousers one and a half inches above the ankle . . . . Jeez, wot'll they do when it snows, wear semi-shorts? . . . .Saw the first Ag with a wide brimmed rural fashioned hat. Who? . . . . Stevens .. Members of Capt. Beiderlinden's riding class still fail to heed his advice about staying close to the saddle . . . . Mary Janet Symons looks rather frail, tho certainly at home way up there on that hoss of hers. And what did you say your name was? GOOD FOR LIFE. Would you believe it, Ed Smith out at the Delt house went from R. O. T. C. Camp at Ft. Riley this summer back home to Co- lumbus, Ohio, and back to Co- lumbia and the Ford still runs .... Never tell it from the looks of that open job . . . . Ask Ed about the "Porker" from Junc- tion City, Kansas. Maybe he'll tell you all about her . . . . Bill Reeves after years of contact with the saddle even walks like a cowhand .... his other activity is dating, so we hear. NO. NOT A LAWYER. Did the Phi Delta Phi boys real- ly tell the mother of one of the better known Pi Phi's that her (Continued on Page Fifteen) ONLY A NEWSBOY or POOR BUT HONEST (Continued From Page Ten) "I beg your pardon," said he, ad- dressing the old lady, "but are you not the Widow Gordon?" "Yes sir, I am." "I have been looking for you. May I walk a way with you and discuss a little business proposi- tion that will triple your money?" Tom was immediately suspicious of the city slicker, and followed them to the old lady's cottage. He could contain himself no longer when the sweet old lady whom he had befriended was about to en- trust her entire fortune, hidden in the China closet of her cottage, to the young man who promised to invest it for her in the Midas Gold Mining Corporation. Tom straightened his shoulders and stepped up to the two on the porch from where he had been hid- ing in the bushes and protested: "I beg of you, dear madam, do not trust this cad who calls him- self a gentleman. He wishes to use your hard-earned money only to further his own evil ends. Do not trust him!" CHAPTER 7 Fighting for the Right The oily youth eyed Tom bale- fully. Tom stared back, until a dawning light of recognition spread over his countenance. With sud- false black mustache from the face den movement he snatched the of his adversary. "Ah," he cried. " 'I know you. You are none other than Tony Lanessi, the bad boy of New York. You shall not take the money of this poor widow." With a scream of rage the young man hurled himself at Tom, not stopping to consider that Tom was but a child and weighed but half as much as he did. The fight was short and swift.Tom fighting fairly and squarely to the last, although THE MISSOURI SHOWME his hefty opponent obeyed no rules, soon had knocked him out. out. His first thought was not for his own bleeding nasal organ, but for the poor old woman who had fainted on the floor. She revived quickly after his ministrations of cold water, and could not thank the brave boy enough. CHAPTER 8 Virtue Is Rewarded "What is your name, little fel- low?" she queried, struck by a look in his blue eyes which remind- ed him of her own dear dead daughter. "Tom Brown, ma'am," he an- swered, puzzled. "Your mother, was her name Mary ?" The old lady listened breathless- ly. "Yes," answered Tom. "Here is a lock of her hair that I always wear over my heart in her sacred memory." A tear ran unheeded down the cheek of the little orphan. "'Tis her's. 'Tis her's." And the old lady clasped Tom in her arms. " 'Tis my own dear daughter's hair, and you are my grandson, and heir to my money, hidden in the China closet. Tom, safe in the shelter of his grandmother's arms, breathed a tear of happiness. Of course my young readers will want to know what happened to our young hero after his extraor- dinary good fortune. In school and college, he soon outdistanhed all his classmates and astonished his teachers with his wisdom. Out of school, he immediately entered bus- iness instead of loafing around looking for a job as so many young men do, and soon made a fortune, married a beautiful and talented young lady, and was elected by his countrymen to fill many important offices in services to his country. Page Fifteen With all this glory, he still main- tained the humble, simple virtues of the poor little newsboy he once had been. The End -Dorothea Pickett SHOWME SHOW (Continued From Page Fourteen) daughter was upstairs and out when the fond parent called the wrong house? . . . . Bud (Beer Baron) Beynon is really having some hard work now that he's in the Law School .... And what did you say your name was ? .... AND what did Barbara Burton, Jo Davis and Sue Hunker do in Boonville the night before the Kansas Aggie game? AND PER- HAPS THAT GOES FOR HOMECOMING BUT WE'LL SEE IN THE NOVEMBER NUMBER .... WATCH FOR IT NOVEMBER 10.... yours til then .... -The Observant Mule "I just heard the funniest joke about a Congressman." "Well, what was it?" "Cstbtzn lgnfrh mcdyhys." "I can't understand a word you say." "Aw, it's too funny for words. -Punch Bowl. "My Scotch boy friend sent me his picture." "How does it look?" "I don't know. I haven't had it developed yet."-Hoof Prints. "Heard the new Eskimo Song?" "What is it?" 'When your blubber has gone." -Minn. Ski-U-Mah. Page Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME Belle: "Isn't her bathing suit darling?" Nelle: "Darling? I'll say it is. Even the sea urchins are blushing." BIB: Who's the silly heel over there playing ring- around-a-rosy with all of those beautiful dames? TUCK: Why, that's Brigham Young having the last dance with his wife.-Reserve Red Cat. "What big eyes you have, Grandmother." "And that, my dear, is how I caught your grand- father."-Pamona Sagehen. We learned the other day it was only a bunch of old blokes who were advocating companionate mar- riage.-Carolina Buccaneer. This is the time of year when it is hard to believe that love is merely the increased functioning of a few glands.-Washington Dirge. Stiff neck: "Whatcha doin' in equitation?" Cavalry: "Aw, just horsin' around." Landlady: "You're a wolf in sheep's clothing." Stewd: "Tain't so, I don't wear cheap clothing." FAMOUS ROCKS Granite Gibraltar Hot Rocks Rock and Rye Rock Piles Rock-a-Bye Baby Gallstones Dizzy Izzy rocked the boat; Dizzy Izzy couldn't float. Exit Dizzy. Funeral Note. A SAGA OF SORROW When wee Tom was yet but a babe His parents left him flat; So Thomas gathered up his flasks And swiped a beggar's hat. His lot was hard, so was his head, But his heart was brave and true, He saved a dame from a scorching flame! What else could a hero do? Her heart was grateful to the lad, She took him to her home, No longer must he wander on He'd need no more to roam. Alas, 'twas destined not to last. Her husband was a beast. He said, "My lad, you have to leave, Go east, young man go east." So once again he wandered forth (Or maybe it was fifth)- Sometimes he'd peddle papers, And then, sometimes he'd drift. One gloomy day it happened thus, Tom stepped into a door The portal of a speakeasy, With a face upon the floor. What ho! It was his father there, The punk was awfully tight. Tom closed his eyes and staggered back, (It was a dreadful sight.) But Tom reclaimed his father dear And helped him back to health. When the old gent cashed in he left The bartender his wealth. -D. Rendlen. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seventeen BOUND TO WIN (Continued From Page Eight) zerman, I- " "Ping!" a bullett whizzed past Dick's ear. Turning his grazed head that lay pillowed in Miss Wintzerman's lap, he saw a man's head emerging from the bear's head. The third ruffian of the park! It called with a villianous laugh as the blackguard boarded a passing tram, "Remember, the gift without the giver is bear." CHAPTER IV-In Which Scotland Yard is Roped Off and Watson Finds the Needle in the Haystack. "Sh-sh, stand back. THEY'RE COMING," whis- pered Inspector Earse of Scotland Yard. It was only a matter of moments until the "'Tommies" with the aid of our hero had the three villains shackled. Bare faced and shame handed they stood, no longer threats to young womanhood, but men broken on the rack of ruin, the Campbell brothers. "How," said Watson to the great Sherlock Holmes, "Did you know that they were coming?" "Elementary, Watson, elementary. Did you ever hear 'The Campbells are coming?' " CHAPTER V-Dawn Again or How Three Villians Fell Never to Rise. "Curses on Dick Divers and his bride, Wyn Wint- zerman," said A. Mild Campbell, Smo K. Campbell, and Hay A. Campbell in chorus. But the ropes tightened around their throats and strong men cheer- ed as the blackest of villians fell through the gallow's trap and were left to the vultures. It is ever thus, "Vulture is its own reward." CHAPTER VI-In which Love Comes to Familiar Manor, Twins are Born and Put Down, Twilight Steals Over Divers Ways. Little Deepsee Divers sat in her daddy's lap as our hero, whom the years had touched kindly, finished his tale. "That dearie, is the story of Dick Divers, Mes- senger Boy and How he was Bound to Wyn." FINIS -Maxine Bickley. For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers ROLLER SKATING RINK PK Sandwich Shop HOUSE BEAUTIFUL BEAUTY SHOP Missouri Drug Co. Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME RADKE'S Missouri Utilities Kress' AND ONE MORE The lowest thing in the world is the ring around a Scotchman's bathtub when the water is on a meter. -Drexel Drexerd. Lady of the House: To what do you attribute your downfall, my poor man? Tramp: To royalty, Mum. Lady of the House: Royalty, what do you mean? Where? Tramp: In me opponent's hand. You see he had a royal flush.-The Harvard Lampoon. Co: What's that great hole in your bathing suit? Ed: Oh, just a tidal rip, I suppose. Eyes of glass Teeth of Clay Peroxide blonde She's phoney that way.-Ski-UMah "Am I too fast for you?" asked the sixty-year-old capitalist of his stenographer while dictating a form letter. "Hardly," responded the chic young thing. -Rice Owl. Getting the baby to sleep is the hardest when she is eighteen years old.-The White Mule. Greenspon's THE MISSOURI SHOWME APROPOS OF NUTTING . . and then there was the freshman who gently nudged the guy on his right at the Varsity-Frosh game and asked: "Pardon me, I don't want to be in- quisitive, but which team is the Freshman Team?" GEE-MY-KNEES I'm d-sure I'll never see a poem lovely as your knees, Those knees with dimples round and rare, two knees at which I can but stare ( ?) They still can do their share of dirt, altho you hide them 'neath a skirt. God gave Eve the same allure, she didn't hide 'em, that I'm sure. I'd like to kill the guy that gave dame Fashion such a blasted craze. -M. Boat. Page Nineteen UNIVERSITY SHOPPE SHOWME'S FOOTBALL NUMBER Boone County Trust Company Page Twenty THE MISSOURI SHOWME THE MISSOURI SHOWME is Just Cu-ra-zy for A Slogan Other Campus Comics have a slogan. Why can't THE MISSOURI SHOWME have a slogan? That, friends, is the question. We must have a slogan, for slogans are the vogue this season. Just to Show You How Cu-ra-zy We Are for a Slogan THE MISSOURI SHOWME will give $5.00 For the best slogan submitted Gaze at These Easy Instructions 1. Slogan must not exceed six or seven words. 2. Slogan must be good, and, if possible funny. 3. Slogan must be typewritten with your name and address AND MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY THIS PAGE. ANYONE MAY SUBMIT AS MANY SLOGANS AS THEY WISH. 4. Slogan must be sent to: The Editor, THE MISSOURI SHOWME c/o Herald-Statesman Publishing Co., Columbia, Missouri Winner will be announced in the Nov. No. of The Showme, out Nov. 10 Slogans will be judged by THE SHOWME BOARD, EDITOR AND BUS. MANAGER THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one Then there was the girl who was so dumb she thought the traffic buttons held up the outskirts of town.-Nebraska Awgwan. Eggs mark the spot where the hen laid. -Ohio State Sun Dial. Do you know any parlor tricks? No, I'm housebroken.-Pennsylvania' Punch Bowl. Sheiky Al: This is a quiet spot. I'd like to pause here and park. Flappy Flo: You mean you'd like to park here and paw, but you're not going to!-College Humor. Then there's the man who writes MOST EM- BARRASSING MOMENTS, who married a green country girl for his art's sake.-College Humor. And then there was the pathetic case of the philoso- phy class which flunked in a body for prompting the absent-minded professor when he hesitated in the midst of his regular Tuesday morning joke. -The Pup. Sweet young thing, on the farm, as someone passed her the honey, "Oh! I see you keep a bee!"-The Pup. Voice from Car: "Shay, offisher, ish thish the way to go to the football game?" Badge-Bearer: "You bet. And if I wasn't a cop, I'd go that way too."-Widow. Lady: This milk isn't good any more. Milkman: I know it, lady, our cows haven't been contented since they tore down the tobacco signs with the handsome bull on it.-Wampus. A divinity student named Tweedle, Once couldn't accept his degree, 'Cause it's touch enough being called Tweedle, Without being Tweedle, D.D.-Sour Owl. CO-EDS! Soon She'll Be Calling Amoebas By Their First Names Maybe, but she also keeps on speaking terms with the otner animals on the campus. Classrooms may teem with stern professors earnestly intent upon taking life seriously, but the Greek gods and goddesses of the campus demand a touch of gayety in their education. Something young, vivid, sparkling and exuberant. Dick Hyland's Diary of a Football Player is one of the literary surprises of the season. Leonora Baccante's Can't We Be Friends? is another. Every co-ed will want to read new things by Katharine Brush, O. O. McIntyre, Margaret Banning, Ach- med Abdullah and Noel Coward-to mention but a few. SPECIAL TO COLLEGIANS 9 Months (the school year) for $2.00 Page Twenty-two Polly and Molly Pratlings By A Pair Of Prize Punsters Polly: Well, GIRL, I THINK, well, I'm NOT EXACTLY sure ... but I BELIEVE I am going to have a part in this Journalism Show, you know, Polly, the one called BOTTOMS UP? Molly: REALLY, Polly, have you? Oh, you. lucky thing! What's the play about? Will you TELL? Or is it SECRET? Polly: Well it IS secret, REALLY it IS, and . . . well, we are not REALLY supposed to tell anyone, . . but YOU know, girl, we can't exactly MENTION the plot to anyone outside of the cast, but since you are my ROOMMATE, and you ARE my ROOMMATE, aren't you, Mol- ly? Molly: Yeh, I'm your ROOM- MATE, all right, I am, and by the way, wasn't that MY sweater you wore this morning? Polly:Oh, honey, WAS it? I THOUGHT it was CLAIRE'S ... but REALLY, honey, I didn't think YOU would MIND if I wore YOUR sweater. Molly: Well, but . . oh, heck, Polly, YOU are ALWAYS get- ting the breaks, always havin' a GOOD time and get to go PLACES and now here YOU go and wear all my clothes and get a PART in this ol' Journalism THE MISSOURI SHOWME SHOW. Polly: But, HONEY, you see . . . oh, heck! It wasn't my fault because Claire asked me to go out for the SHOW because she heard me singing the other day and . .. Molly: Well, I'm going to go to the SHOW, but not if CLAIRE is in it. WHO ever TOLD her she could sing? Polly: But, MOLLY, you KNOW she can SING, didn't she work for some radio station? Molly: Well, I THINK she is NOTHING but an old STREET walker. Polly: She is not! SOMEONE always picks her up. And what did you say your name was? INDEX TO ADVERTISERS Black and Gold Inn...................... Boone County Trust Co.... Drs. Bueschers............... Chesterfield..... College Humor.... .......... Clinkscales...................... Columbia Missourian......... Greenspon's.......................... Heacock Correspondence... Herald-Statesman ............ House Beautiful................ Kress and Company.......... Liquid Hare............... Lucky Strike................ Missouri Drug Co............ Missouri Utilities............ P K Sandwich Shop...... J. C. Penney Co................ Radke's....................... Skating Rink................... Typewriter Service.......... University Shoppe............ BE A NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT Any intelligent person may earn money corresponding for newspa- pers; all or spare time; experience unnecessary; no canvassing; send for free booklet; tells how. Hea- cock, Room 597, Bun Bldg., Buffalo, N. Y. Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. BLACK AND GOLD INN lucky Strike Cigarettes