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"And another redskin bit the dust"
Horatio Alger No.
WAY OUT IN THE WEST
Elsie was a maiden fair
And she in gingham dressed,
Her red, red lips and golden
Way out in the West,
Were wasted on the desert
Way out in the West.
Along came Romya, bad man
Way out in the West.
He dragged her by her golden
Right from her home so blest.
"Oh, prithee, sir," spake the maid
Way out in the West.
"Please turn from me that evil
Or I'll with the angels rest,
Way out in the West.
"Now you're with me, my maiden
You well may be depressed."
Now O'er the maid came blank
Way out in the West;
When in rode handsome Donald
His horse was sorely pressed,
And caught the villian in his
With manly vim and zest,
The villian's life he did not
Way out in the west.
Then Elsie's hand took Donald
Way out in the west,
And my! they made a charming
"Listen, boys and girls, that
thing Rudy waves at his band isn't
a baton, its a wand."-Voo Doo.
Her-Oh, don't make me yawn.
Him-My name ain't Yohn, it's
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
AND ANOTHER REDSKIN
BIT THE DUST
Who amongst us has never
taken a copy of an Alger Book or
a dime novel from the bottom
of our dresser drawer where we
had hidden it and stole softly to
some quiet secluded spot in our
house to lose ourselves for sev-
eral enjoyable hours in the ad-
ventures of the boy-hero?
Lost from the world, we read
on-and as we enter each new
chapter we soon became the boy-
hero ourselves. His struggles
became our struggles; his en-
emies our enemies; and his
achievements we dreamed as be-
ing our own!
The Alger Books were the
young boy's delight. Back be-
fore the days when the youth
could see a good four-reel west-
ern thriller for a dime, his enjoy-
ment came from the cheap novel.
"And another redskin bit the
dust" . . . . couldn't he just pic-
ture himself on the great open
plains shooting Indians and
watching them fall?
Today with our modern talking
love dramas or the gangster pic-
tures, there is little to thrill to-
day's youth in the way of read-
ing. There no longer are books
in the family library that would
cause him to miss his supper, or
even to encourage him to eat in
haste in order to rush back and
see what Bob Burton or Jack
Dalton would do to the villain in
the next chapter.
In the following pages of the
Showme we find the modern col-
lege parody on the Alger-styled
hero-story . . . . today's idea of
the swift rise to success through
struggle and hardship. Woe up-
on those of us who derived pleas-
ure from the original Alger works
if he had chosen the 1931 style for
"How did you find Prof. Ein-
"Brushed the hair aside, and
there he was!"
-Black and Blue Jay.
In Charge: I'm sorry, old fellow
but I'll have to put you on a spe-
cial diet with a special nurse.
Charged: That's all right, Doc,
but what kind of a couch is a diet ?"
Professor - This examination
will be conducted on the honor
system. Please take seats three
apart and in alternate rows.
Freshman: "I wanna buy a hat."
Salesman: "Would you like a Hom-
Freshman: "Naw, I ain't hungry;
I just wanna buy a hat."
Prince: "It doesn't take much
to turn a girl's head these days
Eugenie: "Evidently not. I
noticed a silly-looking creature
looking back at you just now."
E. C. Clinkscales & Sons
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Ho: And dey call youse a boxer. Why?
Bo: Cause all me opponents is shipped home in
boxes, dat's why!
The Pullman conductor twitched the curtains of
"How many are here?" he asked.
"One," was the reply; "want to see our ticket?"
We have discovered at last the reason for having
a yellow light in all tragic signals-it gives the Scotch-
man a chance to get his motor started.-Lehigh Burr.
"I hear you and the leading lady are on the outs."
Electrician: "Yeah, it was one of those quick change
scenes with the stage all dark. She asked for her
tights and I thought she said lights."-Sun Dial.
These glass dance floors are an awful strain on
the eyes.-Punch Bowl.
Oscar wants to know if the head of a farm is a
farmer, is the hired man a pharmacist.
Typewriter Service Co.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five
A fraternity man was badly mangled in a train
wreck, and when the doctors tried to identify him by
the clothes he was wearing, it looked as though the
whole chapter was injured.-Boston Beanpot.
At a recent wedding one of the guests brought her
young baby: it cried throughout the ceremony.
A: "Wasn't it annoying the way that baby cried ?"
B: "It was simply dreadful. When I get married
my invitations will have on them: 'no babies expect-
The honeymoon is over when she wants a heater
in the coupe to keep her warm.-Wabash Caveman.
Io: "Football has done a great thing for this coun-
Dine: "In what way?"
Io: "Why now you can walk down the street with
a girl on one side and a blanket on the other and not
be talked about.-Wesleyan Wasp.
Our idea of an unbeatable combination is Methuse-
lah's age and Solomon's wives.-Mountain Goat.
R. O.: Gad, sir, the enemy is as thick as peas;
what shall we do?
T. C.: Shell them, you idiot, shell them!-Log.
She (in poetical mood): What are the wild waves
He: Sounds like its "splash."-Pitt Panther.
A bachelor is a guy who didn't have a car when
he was young.-Malteaser.
Mother (examining daughter's wardrobe) : Did you
go to the Prom this year, my dear?
Daughter: No, mother, I ripped that shoulder strap
playing tennis.-Voo Doo.
"What did you operate on this guy for?"
"No, I mean what did he have?"
Student: "Hey, I want to exchange this textbook."
Co-Op Clerk: Too late, you've had it a whole se-
Student: But I just found out that every other page
is missing.-Rutgers Chanticleer.
She: Did Jane put up much protest when you
He: Did she? Oh, boy! It was a scream.
She called her boy friend Lucky Strike because
he was so kind to her throat.-Colo. Dodo.
Tell them you saw it advertised in The Showme
Liquid Hare Co.
The New Missouri
VOL. III. October 19, 1931 No. 2
O. O. MCINTYRE
HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN
GENE W. MOORE
Contributors to this number are:
Editorial: Dorothea Pickett,
Maxine Bickley, Hertha Luck-
hardt, Betsy Holt, Kathryn Bayne,
Jack Relmond, Ben Stone, Mar-
jorie Boat, Neola Eyer, D. Rend-
ler, and Cleve Kerndt.
Art: Herb Roush, Betsy Holt,
and Helen Eastes.
Business and Circulation: Bob
Race, Warren McIntyre, Martha
Davis, John Slagle, Marian Kiser,
Bill Sobol, J. A. Proctor, Jr., and
Copyright, 1931 by Missouri
Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Ex-
clusive reprint rights granted to
College Humor . Published by Sigma
Delta Chi as the Official Humor
and Literary Publication of the
University of Missouri.
Address all communications to
THE MISSOURI SHOWME,
care Herald-Statesman Bldg., Co-
Watch for Announcements
of Staff in November
Showme staff positions will be
announced in the November
Number. These positions are to
be awarded only to those who by
their interest and work have
proven they deserve a place on
the staff. There is still plenty
of time for others to try out for
And in return the Showme is
going to award to staff members
whose work has been most out-
standing during the year a beauti-
ful key. Plans are underway for
these keys and some designs by
jewelers have already been con-
tributed. More detail concerning
the key will be announced in the
The November Number, a dedi-
cation to Football and Home-
coming, will be out November
10th. Deadline for all material
is October 31.
AND WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven
The Showme Show
WHAT CAN WE EXPECT
We pin the flower on the
pledge who thought the sub-sta-
tion on Maryland was really for
subways . . . . which is as bad as
the little pledge on Richmond
who was willing to furnish the
crackers for her first jelly date.
Can you feature the house
president on the north side of
Rollins being called for a date
at 4 a. m. . . . . and with a jour-
nalist, too? (No, she didn't go)
.. Rebecca Stepp seems to be
having a lot of trouble keeping
names and faces straight .
anyway, she broke the date as
soon as she learned of her mis-
take .. .. but after all what's in
a name? And the same might
go for some faces.
HELD BY SUSPENSE
MORE OR LESS.
Stags at the Alpha Sig dance
got extremely nervous (or inter-
ested) when they saw Margaret
Hanley's evening dress (the one
without the shoulder straps).
Surprisingly, it did not slip ....
but we wonder how she keeps it
up . . . . Delta Sig pledges believe
that the A. D. Pi's and Gamma
Phi's are rushing this Leap Year
business. Feminine voices broke
the silence on Richmond some-
time ago when the girls played
"Romeo and Juliet" with the
"fraternary" boys . . . . Campus
houses don't suit Phil Browning
so he takes a suite at the Termin-
al. Swell stuff, Phil . . . . even
your steam heated garage and
your jump from the "Golden
The orchestra at the Figam
dance played "Stars and Stripes"
in honor of George Baldry at
their first dance this year. Ask
George what the reference of that
song at camp this summer meant.
As a cue we offer these words:
"Red Apple". .. . Judging from
the way Bud Pollitt has been
wearing those white gloves, one
would almost think he was
training to become a pallbearer
Announcing the Com-
mission for the sixteenth
annual Journalism Show,
BOTTOMS UP, appointed
by Fielding L. Norton,
Trenton, president of the
Journalism Students Asso-
General Chairman: J.
Francis Eschen, St. Louis.
Specialties and program:
Dixie D. Brown, Ozona,
Ticket Sales: R. Marvin
Goforth, Kansas City.
Publicity: J. C. Goodwin,
Missouri Supplement Edi-
tor: Catherine Bates, Ok-
Staging: Raymond Hol-
Costumes: Jane Lillis,
WATCH FOR THE
NEWS IN THE NOVEM-
BER NUMBER OF THE
SHOWME. OUT NOV.
.... and then we find on file this
question: "Whyinell don't those
Kappa Sigs do something about
that darn brass plate at the front
door ?" 'Tis most embarrasing
to slip on the darn thing. What
if some proud beauty should sud-
denly lift her heels and drop it
right there? .... Something fishy
about Van Dyne's ineligibility,
is't not . . . . Overheard a coupla'
th' boys asking whether or not
all Delta Gammas late date, or
is that just the privilege of those
who live outside of the house
. . The football squad is en
masse in the "History of Archi-
tecture Class" . . . . Dr. Bill is re-
ported as having instructed them
to come to class in their uniforms
if it would make them feel more
at home. And what did you say
your name was?
A SCARE IN THE NIGHT.
Dear lil Alpha Phi gals, at
least some of them who were
up late one night, got a scare and
a thrill when a bunch of the boys
paraded up their front lawn mi-
nus shirts and trousers . . . Fern
Spolander sure doesn't care about
who knows her mind . . . . she
makes easy this interview rack-
et . . .. and as if we didn't know
before it appeared in the K. C.
Star that Delta Gams won't par-
take of a 5c coke . . . . no use
argyin' with those Leathernecks
. . . . after a serenade turned in-
to the well-known Bronx Cheer
. . . . the girls tossed buckets of
water on the would-be songsters
. . . . but where did they get the
WE ALL MUST HAVE
Of all people we would never
have expected to see Elsie Kel-
logg and Libby Alves in the Bible
School Library not so long ago
. . . . well, maybe they're just a
couple of pious Pi Phi's . .
Imagine Dave Musgrave settling
down and really studying the
medical tomes .... The nude pic-
tures still decorate the window
on Ninth . . . . no doubt placed
there in the interest of art or for
(Continued on Page Fourteen)
Page Eight THE MISSOURI SHOWME
DICK DIVERS, MESSENGER BOY
BOUND TO WIN
A beautiful specimen assailed by ruffians.
CHAPTER I-A Scream Rings Out Through the
Park and Dick Divers Learns the Way of City Ruf-
fians with a Maid.
Little birds tittered merrily in the leafy branches,
tired workmen walked cheerfully home with their
pails of beer in the evening twilight and Dick Divers
in his shiny blue messenger boy's outfit walked briskly
along whistling in the twilight. Suddenly the air in
Letzgo Park was pierced by a scream, "Help, help!"
Turning quickly, handsome Dick sped in the direc-
tion of this call, for never was our hero known to
fail the signal of womanhood in distress. Parting the
gooseberry bushes, he took in the situation at sight:
A beautiful specimen of womanhood in its flower
astride a horse was being assailed by ruffians-three
of them. Dick Diver's blood boiled. Unleashing his
trusty right, he struck the two larger rowdies at the
horse's flank. Down they went like flotsam and jet-
sam. He turned to the evilest of the three who was
even then at the horses bridle. The maiden screamed
as Dick knocked the villian sprawling in his tracks.
In falling, the clumsy lout lunged against the horse-
woman's boot. With a scream, she picked the assault-
er from the ground in one swell loop and flung him
into the park resevoir. "Remember," she called back
as she rode away, "Hell hath no fury like a woman
CHAPTER II-Love Stirs in Dick Divers' Breast and
Reds Revolt in Russia.
"Gad, what a woman," said our hero fervently. He
was unaware of the drenching figure that rose like
Venchence S. Mine from the resevoir behind him. It
slunk away into the trees, but its malady lingered on.
CHAPTER III-In Which a Wire is Received and
a Blow is Given.
Dick Divers mounted the steps of a brownstone
front. "Telegram for Miss Wyn Wintzermann," he
told Ike Goldman, the aged Scottish butler at the
door. Twirling his blue cap in his hands, he waited
idly on the outside steps. Down the street came a
dancing bear. Our hero with his keen sense of hu-
mor laughed merrily at the antics of the clumsy
beast. Then at the sound of approaching footsteps
within the house he turned and there in the doorway
stood the handsome horsewoman, "Wyn Wintzerman."
A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. He stood
with the light of love in his eyes, a light that seemed
to find echo in her liquid brown orbs. "Miss Wint-
(Continued on Page Seventeen)
She picked the assaulter in one swell loop.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine
J. C. Penney C.
Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Only a Newsboy From the City Streets
Poor But Honest
The Hard School of Poverty
"Paper! Paper! Won't anyone buy my paper ?"
Passers-by hurrying hither and thither on the hot,
busy streets of New York pased by unheeding the
ragged urchin that earned his daily bread at the low-
liest occupations. Today the customers were few, al-
though usually the sales of our little hero far surpass-
ed those of his youthful competitors. As a look of
dark dispair flitted across the face of the little gentle-
man of the streets, a well-dressed, opulent-looking
lady stopped, impelled by the earnest cry.
"I will buy a paper, my little man. And here,
here is a penny for yourself to buy some nourishing
food for your thin little body."
While Tom is rejoicing in his good fortune, a
few words of explanation and description may be in
place. Our hero is a lad of twelve. Let me add that
he is stoutly and strongly built, with an open face and
a noble air that belies his humble position in life, for
he is only a newsboy. He is earnest, honest, polite,
and few of his comrades can down him in a fair
fight, although of course, Tom never fights unless
it is to defend the honor of a woman in distress.
He spends much of his spare time in the neigh-
borhood mission doing good to the poor and scorn-
ing the evils of the pool halls around which many of
his companions loaf, only to grow up to no good end
or perhaps to die in the poorhouse.
Baffled But Not Discouraged
Tom thanked the gracious lady, and ignoring the
sneers of his rival, the cowardly Tony Lanessi, he
turned his steps toward the hovel he called home.
As he thrust open the door, a vicious voice called to
him-a voice which he recognized immediately as that
of the cruel brute he called father.
"Gimme yer dough," snarled the uncouth moun-
tain of a man to Tom.
"Here it is, father, and here is a penny that a
lady gave me."
The answer was a curse-one which I will no
repeat here in order to keep the vile thoughts of life
away from the knowledge of my young readers.
Then, with a kick, the drunken brute of a man
thrust Tom out into the snow with ought but his
scanty rags to protect him from the wintry blasts.
Running Away to the West
Tom walked the streets of New York, but no-
where could he find free lodgings, even for the
night. Nowhere, in that heartless city of stone was
there room for the hungry little waif. Even as 1
write, I struggle to suppress a tear of pity for the poor
boy. Then, undaunted by failure, he renounced for-
ever the sidewalks of New York, (to coin a phrase)
and turned toward the West, the land of hope and
I may as well warn my young readers that there
is no occasion for you to forsake your good homes to
run away as Tom did. Circumstances alter cases, and
a happy home should be appreciated.
Kind to Dumb Animals
I will not burden the sorrows of that pitiful trek
upon my kind readers, but will now shift the scene to
limits of that frontier town, St. Joseph, Mo. Our
hero has now entered upon the city not alone, for he
carries with him a poor little coyote that he had found
in the Rockies and whose tail he had bandaged up
where it had been wounded.
Doing a Good Deed
Waiting to cross the busy street, he heard a plain-
tive voice behind him.
"I wish I could get across the street," it said.
"My pets will wonder what has become of me, I am
Tom turned and saw a sweet old lady in whose
gentle face he read the purity of an honest, simple
"I will take you across, good mother," he said
with a polite bow.
"Thank you, my noble lad," said the woman, tak-
ing the arm of her gallant little escort in whose heart
there breathed the words, "Somebody's mother."
But Destiny awaited them on the other side of
Foiling the Villian
No sooner had they reached the opposite curb
when darting from the crowd of passers-by there came
a heavy-set youth with a sneer of evil on his face.
(Continued on Page Fifteen)
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven
LAW OF COMPENSATION
The time has come when scholars smother
In learning of some form or other,
And test their powers of retention
With someone's forty-fifth dimension.
And while their minds are sorely vexed,
the author of the brilliant text
Is buried deep as any well
In rousing tales of Little Nell.
"Our hero staggers, turns away."
Now take, for instances, statement A-
"The villain stroked his waxed mustache!"
The intersecting forces clash.
"Our hero did not linger long-"
The major premises are strong.
"And wedding bells rang merrily."
This proves the statement. Q. E. D.
Thus, those who write our books are free
From reading what they write, you see;
While others, fired with ambition,
Pursue their ways of erudition.
H. D. L.
"Ah, sweet mystery of life," said the call boy as he
peeped into the chorus girls' dressing room.
JUST ONE MORE SCOTCH JOKE
A Scotchman was once run over by a beer wagon
and for the first time in his life the drinks were on
WORSE AND MORE OF IT
A freshman once asked that if he saw a girl with her
heel coming off, would her name be Lucille.
MY HEART LEAPS UP
My heart leaps up when I behold
An Alger book in sight!
I know that I'll be entertained
By tales of youths who fame have gained
Because their vigor ne'er ran cold;
Their zeal stayed bright;
Of hardships never they complained.
These tales of youth so filled with fire
Ambitions great in me inspire.
"Is Mary fast?"
"Fast? Boy, she's fast asleep"-Nebraska Awgwan
Pardon me, Helen, I think you dropped your chem-
"Oh, thanks a lot, Dick, I would never have noticed
it. Isn't that my old brassiere sticking out of your
"No, I got that off Betty. But here are your bloom-
"Oh, good. At last I've got all my clothes together.
Now, Dick, come over here beside me, and help me
put them on."
Oke, Helen, but you'll have to show me how they
go. This'll be a swell window display when that
dummy is dressed."-Cornell Widow.
Our idea of a dirty trick would be to throw a couple
of silver dollars at September Morn and tell her to
catch one in each hand.-Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
She: "It must be wrong to love like this, dear."
He: "It is."-Texas Longhorn-Ranger.
A MILLION-DOLLAR THRILLER
Parody on "I Found a Million Dollar Baby"
I was in search of great adventure
No better luck was had before;
I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten-
There were the stories of young heroes-
The thing that I was looking for;
I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten
There were books by Alger, telling of the rise
Of penniless young boys until they reached the skies.
The way was not so very easy-
They met with villains by the score;
I found a million-dollar thriller in the Five-and-Ten
Apollo: Juno, Juno was there?
Neptune: No, Jupiter there?-Iowa Frivol.
New Definition: A monologue is a conversation
with the professor whose course you are flunking.
S. A. E.-"Where in hell is that turtle soup ?"
Waiter-"Sorry, sir, but you know how turtles
He: Didn't you bring me any fruit today?
She: I plum forgot it.
Him: Love me, love my dog.
She: Oh, why do you have to be included?
She may be the cattleman's daughter, but you can't
play with her calves.-Rammer-Jammer.
Pity the poor bee; he spends a lifetime making
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
THE MISSOURI SHOWME wishes to
apologize to Prof. Jesse Wrench and especially
to Mrs. Wrench and to the Lambda Chi Alpha
Fraternity for a cartoon which appeared in the
September issue of the SHOWME. The car-
toon in question was misinterpreted, for THE
MISSOURI SHOWME has no intention what-
soever in ridiculing or offending anyone; this
cartoon was published, as is the purpose of pub-
lishing any and all cartoons in a humorous pub-
lication, merely as a meaningless general joke.
If any of the other readers of THE MIS-
SOURI SHOWME has received this same mis-
interperetation from the cartoon in question, we
wish to apologize to them also, for it is not the
policy of THE MISSOURI SHOWME to pre-
sumptuously insult or offend any one person or
party. Rather, it is the policy of THE MIS-
SOURI SHOWME, through the efforts and
original creations of its staff, to maintain and
publish for the benefit and pleasure of the stu-
dents of The University of Missouri, Christian
and Stephens, as well as for the interest and
satisfaction of graduates, and friends of the
University in general, a clean, humorous, and
interesting magazine, that will be good enough
to receive their full acceptance in a spirit of fun
yet, without making offenses at anyone, inten-
tionally or accidentally.
THE DIME NOVEL
Struggling orphans raised to riches;
Poor old mothers patching breeches,
So their sons can go to work-
No worthy boys their duty shirk;
Cowboys riding in the West,
Fighting Indians with much zest;
Blood-thirsty outlaws; gangsters mean;
Haunted houses, ghosts so lean,
Frightful noises, murdered men;
Chinese gang wars now and then;
Lovely women, good and true,
Seduced by men with morals few'
Tales of passion and of love,
And of adventurers who rove;
Ugly villains who are crooks;
Handsome heroes, found only in books;
Wierd and tragic, love and crime-
You can have them for a dime.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen
MISSIONARY WORK IN THE WILDS OF AMERICA
CHAPTER THE FIRST
Little Teresa Turnip was leav-
ing home to go into the cold, cruel
world to seek her fortune. Her
mother came to the gate to see her
"Dear daughter," she said,
"since I cannot go with you (your
father has gout, and needs me to
look after him, the lazy bum!) I
give you my blessing, and this
Good Book. Read it often. It has
been the solace of women and the
strength of men for many cen-
And she gave her a cook book.
And so little Teresa Turnip
started out, and soon came to a
big city. It was Chicago. While
walking down the Boulevard she
was accosted by a villainous gang-
ster, Al Cucumber.
"Your money, or your life," he
shouted, waving a machine gun in
one hand, and a pineapple in the
"Alas, sir," responded the fair
maiden, her blue eyes brimming
with tears, "I have no money. But
I will read you a few lines from
the Good Book." So she read:
"And lo, whosoever shall add a
cup of diced carrots to the gravy,
the same shall be rewarded with
an excellent dish."
Al burst into tears.
"The same passage my dear dead
mother used to quote!"
And throwing away his weapons,
he went to join a monastery.
Little Teresa sought for employ-
ment. She looked for work. She
hunted for a job. Jobs were scarce,
but she hunted anyway. Poor little
maid. Little did she realize when
the crafty Oswald Onion hired her
as a nursemaid for his two child-
ren, that he had dire designs on
(But just see what happens in the
next chapter. You'll be surprised.)
Installment No. 4
Our heroine followed Mr. Onion
to his palatial home on Garlic
Boulevard. On the way, he stopp-
ed and gave two dimes to children
playing on the street, for he was a
millionaire. Scarcely had they
reached the house, when he locked
"Aha, my proud beauty! I have
you in my power at last."
Teresa decided that the only
thing that would save her, was to
swoon. So she did.
(See next chapter. The villain has
just left for water, so this is the
intermission. Nothing will happen
until he gets back.)
Act Five-The Grand Finale
Mr. Onion returned with a pail-
ful of water, which he dumped on
Teresa's head. She decided to un-
swoon quickly, before she was
drowned. She did.
"But what about the two child-
ren?" she cried, wringing her hands
in dire anguish.
"I have no children. I am a
bachelor," he sneered, trying to put
his arms about her waist. He fail-
ed. It was two yards around.
This left only one avenue of es-
cape for our heroine. Opening the
Good Book she read solemnly:
"To one box of boiled macaroni,
add a small can of tomatoes and a
cupful of grated cheese. This dish
will charm the hearts of all men."
Oswald Onion fell to his knees,
and wept bitterly.
"Had I only remembered that
verse of the Good Book, I might
not be what I am today!"
"It is never too late. You can
reform," she comforted, sweetly.
"Heaven bless you, child!" he
He reformed. He also adopted
Teresa, and made her the heir to
all his millions.
Morals (Choose One)
Moral No. 1: Be faithful to the
reading of a Good Book, and you
may be addpted by a millionaire.
Moral No. 2: Virtue has its
THE ALGER HERO
(A Parody on Blake's "The Lamb")
Sturdy Youth, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life and bid thee work
In the store and in the kirk;
Gave thee cheerfulness of mind,
A body strong, and heart so kind
That all who hear thy friendly
Know there is reason to rejoice?
Sturdy Youth, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Sturdy Youth, I'll tell thee,
Ambitious Youth, I'll tell thee:
Horatio is thy maker's name-
Through Alger thou hast gained
Thy father died when thou wert
And now we hear thy praises
For from thy poverty thou rose
To wealth and joy and repose.
Sturdy Youth, God bless thee,
Sturdy Youth, God bless thee!
ELMER'S SWEET REVENGE
YOU CUR, SIR
DARK CLOUDS APPROACH
Crack went Elmer's trusty
rifle, and another of Squire
Blastedbottom's Rhode Island
Reds bit the dust. At once the
crabby old squire came bounding
from his big house and caught
the youthful hunter by his red
"You young rapscallion, you!
This is the second time I've
caught you in the act red-hand-
ed." Elmer looked at his hands
which were dirty but not red.
"Just for that I'm going to fore-
close on your mother's mortgage.
Elmer drew himself up and
looked the squire in the eye (his
good eye) and snarled, "You
can't do that, you cur, sir!"
DISASTER DESCENDS ON
So did the squire.
OUR HERO GOES OUT
And he does.
So taking his rifle Elmer trudg-
ed out into the cold, cold world.
Forty days and an equal number
of nights he traveled, always
with his face toward the setting
sun. At last he reached the Bar
B Q ranch where he found a job
herding cattle and shooing the
THE INDIANS GO ON THE
Deep in the hills Chief Wang-
doodle urged his braves (not to
be confused with the Boston
Braves) to go upon the warpath.
And the warriors borrowed their
squaws' lipstick and the feathers
from their Empress hats and
mounting upon their bicycles
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
went upon the warpath which
led right past the Bar B Q.
(Chapters 5 to 8 lost in the war)
Act Nine, Scene Nineteen
TRUE WORTH WILL
Victory Comes to Our Hero
While watching his herds one
night Elmer hears a slight noise
above the din of his radio. In-
vestigating he discovered eight
redskins-no, make it forty red-
guns ready to shoot down the
skins around several machine
helpless cows. Elmer sat down
and began to think. Should he
return to the ranch and call out
the militia, or should he fight
these Indians single-handed, us-
ing both hands?
Whatever else Elmer was, he
was no gigolo. Taking a care-
ful bead (Indians wore beads) he
fired. One large redskin rose
gracefully in the air, did a swan
dive, and bit the dust. The other
Indians were muchly annoyed
and looked about for their artil-
lery. Elmer must act quickly.
He did. He reached into his
pocket and pulled out the Flit.
Pointing the nozzle straight into
the faces of his enemies he push-
ed. The carnage was terrible to
behold. And that, dear people,
is how spring came to the Yukon.
(Continued From Page Seven)
better journalism . . . Have heard
that the president of the Sopho-
more council informed the boys
that they had made a grave mis-
take when they didn't elect him
to fill one of the vacancies on the
Student Senate .... Such modes-
ty ! . . .. And now to announce
the new professor in the Archi-
tecture department, Mr. Hope
Cunningham, and if you don't
think Hope knows his designs
you should see some of those he
makes upstairs in Jesse some
night .... .. Sig Alphs are back
this year with their trousers one
and a half inches above the
ankle . . . . Jeez, wot'll they do
when it snows, wear semi-shorts?
. . . .Saw the first Ag with a
wide brimmed rural fashioned
hat. Who? . . . . Stevens ..
Members of Capt. Beiderlinden's
riding class still fail to heed his
advice about staying close to the
saddle . . . . Mary Janet Symons
looks rather frail, tho certainly
at home way up there on that
hoss of hers. And what did you
say your name was?
GOOD FOR LIFE.
Would you believe it, Ed Smith
out at the Delt house went from
R. O. T. C. Camp at Ft. Riley
this summer back home to Co-
lumbus, Ohio, and back to Co-
lumbia and the Ford still runs
.... Never tell it from the looks
of that open job . . . . Ask Ed
about the "Porker" from Junc-
tion City, Kansas. Maybe he'll
tell you all about her . . . . Bill
Reeves after years of contact
with the saddle even walks like
a cowhand .... his other activity
is dating, so we hear.
NO. NOT A LAWYER.
Did the Phi Delta Phi boys real-
ly tell the mother of one of the
better known Pi Phi's that her
(Continued on Page Fifteen)
ONLY A NEWSBOY
POOR BUT HONEST
(Continued From Page Ten)
"I beg your pardon," said he, ad-
dressing the old lady, "but are you
not the Widow Gordon?"
"Yes sir, I am."
"I have been looking for you.
May I walk a way with you and
discuss a little business proposi-
tion that will triple your money?"
Tom was immediately suspicious
of the city slicker, and followed
them to the old lady's cottage. He
could contain himself no longer
when the sweet old lady whom he
had befriended was about to en-
trust her entire fortune, hidden
in the China closet of her cottage,
to the young man who promised
to invest it for her in the Midas
Gold Mining Corporation.
Tom straightened his shoulders
and stepped up to the two on the
porch from where he had been hid-
ing in the bushes and protested:
"I beg of you, dear madam, do
not trust this cad who calls him-
self a gentleman. He wishes to
use your hard-earned money only
to further his own evil ends. Do
not trust him!"
Fighting for the Right
The oily youth eyed Tom bale-
fully. Tom stared back, until a
dawning light of recognition spread
over his countenance. With sud-
false black mustache from the face
den movement he snatched the
of his adversary.
"Ah," he cried. " 'I know you.
You are none other than Tony
Lanessi, the bad boy of New York.
You shall not take the money of
this poor widow."
With a scream of rage the young
man hurled himself at Tom, not
stopping to consider that Tom was
but a child and weighed but half as
much as he did. The fight was
short and swift.Tom fighting fairly
and squarely to the last, although
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
his hefty opponent obeyed no
rules, soon had knocked him out.
His first thought was not for
his own bleeding nasal organ, but
for the poor old woman who had
fainted on the floor. She revived
quickly after his ministrations of
cold water, and could not thank the
brave boy enough.
Virtue Is Rewarded
"What is your name, little fel-
low?" she queried, struck by a
look in his blue eyes which remind-
ed him of her own dear dead
"Tom Brown, ma'am," he an-
"Your mother, was her name
The old lady listened breathless-
"Yes," answered Tom. "Here
is a lock of her hair that I always
wear over my heart in her sacred
A tear ran unheeded down the
cheek of the little orphan.
"'Tis her's. 'Tis her's." And
the old lady clasped Tom in her
" 'Tis my own dear daughter's
hair, and you are my grandson,
and heir to my money, hidden in
the China closet.
Tom, safe in the shelter of his
grandmother's arms, breathed a
tear of happiness.
Of course my young readers will
want to know what happened to
our young hero after his extraor-
dinary good fortune. In school and
college, he soon outdistanhed all his
classmates and astonished his
teachers with his wisdom. Out of
school, he immediately entered bus-
iness instead of loafing around
looking for a job as so many young
men do, and soon made a fortune,
married a beautiful and talented
young lady, and was elected by his
countrymen to fill many important
offices in services to his country.
With all this glory, he still main-
tained the humble, simple virtues
of the poor little newsboy he once
(Continued From Page Fourteen)
daughter was upstairs and out
when the fond parent called the
wrong house? . . . . Bud (Beer
Baron) Beynon is really having
some hard work now that he's
in the Law School .... And what
did you say your name was ? ....
AND what did Barbara Burton,
Jo Davis and Sue Hunker do in
Boonville the night before the
Kansas Aggie game? AND PER-
HAPS THAT GOES FOR
HOMECOMING BUT WE'LL
SEE IN THE NOVEMBER
NUMBER .... WATCH FOR
IT NOVEMBER 10.... yours
til then ....
-The Observant Mule
"I just heard the funniest joke
about a Congressman."
"Well, what was it?"
"Cstbtzn lgnfrh mcdyhys."
"I can't understand a word you
"Aw, it's too funny for words.
"My Scotch boy friend sent me
"How does it look?"
"I don't know. I haven't had it
developed yet."-Hoof Prints.
"Heard the new Eskimo Song?"
"What is it?"
'When your blubber has gone."
Page Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Belle: "Isn't her bathing suit darling?"
Nelle: "Darling? I'll say it is. Even the sea
urchins are blushing."
BIB: Who's the silly heel over there playing ring-
around-a-rosy with all of those beautiful dames?
TUCK: Why, that's Brigham Young having the
last dance with his wife.-Reserve Red Cat.
"What big eyes you have, Grandmother."
"And that, my dear, is how I caught your grand-
We learned the other day it was only a bunch of
old blokes who were advocating companionate mar-
This is the time of year when it is hard to believe
that love is merely the increased functioning of a few
Stiff neck: "Whatcha doin' in equitation?"
Cavalry: "Aw, just horsin' around."
Landlady: "You're a wolf in sheep's clothing."
Stewd: "Tain't so, I don't wear cheap clothing."
Rock and Rye
Dizzy Izzy rocked the boat;
Dizzy Izzy couldn't float.
A SAGA OF SORROW
When wee Tom was yet but a babe
His parents left him flat;
So Thomas gathered up his flasks
And swiped a beggar's hat.
His lot was hard, so was his head,
But his heart was brave and true,
He saved a dame from a scorching flame!
What else could a hero do?
Her heart was grateful to the lad,
She took him to her home,
No longer must he wander on
He'd need no more to roam.
Alas, 'twas destined not to last.
Her husband was a beast.
He said, "My lad, you have to leave,
Go east, young man go east."
So once again he wandered forth
(Or maybe it was fifth)-
Sometimes he'd peddle papers,
And then, sometimes he'd drift.
One gloomy day it happened thus,
Tom stepped into a door
The portal of a speakeasy,
With a face upon the floor.
What ho! It was his father there,
The punk was awfully tight.
Tom closed his eyes and staggered back,
(It was a dreadful sight.)
But Tom reclaimed his father dear
And helped him back to health.
When the old gent cashed in he left
The bartender his wealth.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seventeen
BOUND TO WIN
(Continued From Page Eight)
zerman, I- " "Ping!" a bullett whizzed past Dick's
Turning his grazed head that lay pillowed in Miss
Wintzerman's lap, he saw a man's head emerging
from the bear's head. The third ruffian of the park!
It called with a villianous laugh as the blackguard
boarded a passing tram, "Remember, the gift without
the giver is bear."
CHAPTER IV-In Which Scotland Yard is Roped
Off and Watson Finds the Needle in the Haystack.
"Sh-sh, stand back. THEY'RE COMING," whis-
pered Inspector Earse of Scotland Yard. It was only
a matter of moments until the "'Tommies" with the
aid of our hero had the three villains shackled. Bare
faced and shame handed they stood, no longer threats
to young womanhood, but men broken on the rack of
ruin, the Campbell brothers.
"How," said Watson to the great Sherlock Holmes,
"Did you know that they were coming?"
"Elementary, Watson, elementary. Did you ever
hear 'The Campbells are coming?' "
CHAPTER V-Dawn Again or How Three Villians
Fell Never to Rise.
"Curses on Dick Divers and his bride, Wyn Wint-
zerman," said A. Mild Campbell, Smo K. Campbell,
and Hay A. Campbell in chorus. But the ropes
tightened around their throats and strong men cheer-
ed as the blackest of villians fell through the gallow's
trap and were left to the vultures. It is ever thus,
"Vulture is its own reward."
CHAPTER VI-In which Love Comes to Familiar
Manor, Twins are Born and Put Down, Twilight
Steals Over Divers Ways.
Little Deepsee Divers sat in her daddy's lap as our
hero, whom the years had touched kindly, finished his
tale. "That dearie, is the story of Dick Divers, Mes-
senger Boy and How he was Bound to Wyn."
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
ROLLER SKATING RINK
PK Sandwich Shop
Missouri Drug Co.
Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
AND ONE MORE
The lowest thing in the world is the ring around
a Scotchman's bathtub when the water is on a meter.
Lady of the House: To what do you attribute your
downfall, my poor man?
Tramp: To royalty, Mum.
Lady of the House: Royalty, what do you mean?
Tramp: In me opponent's hand. You see he had a
royal flush.-The Harvard Lampoon.
Co: What's that great hole in your bathing suit?
Ed: Oh, just a tidal rip, I suppose.
Eyes of glass
Teeth of Clay
She's phoney that way.-Ski-UMah
"Am I too fast for you?" asked the sixty-year-old
capitalist of his stenographer while dictating a form
"Hardly," responded the chic young thing.
Getting the baby to sleep is the hardest when she
is eighteen years old.-The White Mule.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
APROPOS OF NUTTING
. . and then there was the freshman who gently
nudged the guy on his right at the Varsity-Frosh
game and asked: "Pardon me, I don't want to be in-
quisitive, but which team is the Freshman Team?"
I'm d-sure I'll never see
a poem lovely as your knees,
Those knees with dimples round and rare,
two knees at which I can but stare ( ?)
They still can do their share of dirt,
altho you hide them 'neath a skirt.
God gave Eve the same allure,
she didn't hide 'em, that I'm sure.
I'd like to kill the guy that gave
dame Fashion such a blasted craze.
Boone County Trust Company
Page Twenty THE MISSOURI SHOWME
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Other Campus Comics have a slogan. Why can't THE MISSOURI
SHOWME have a slogan? That, friends, is the question. We
must have a slogan, for slogans are the vogue this season.
Just to Show You How Cu-ra-zy We Are for a Slogan
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
For the best slogan submitted
Gaze at These Easy Instructions
1. Slogan must not exceed six or seven words.
2. Slogan must be good, and, if possible funny.
3. Slogan must be typewritten with your name and address AND
MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY THIS PAGE. ANYONE
MAY SUBMIT AS MANY SLOGANS AS THEY WISH.
4. Slogan must be sent to:
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
c/o Herald-Statesman Publishing Co.,
Winner will be announced in the Nov. No. of The Showme, out Nov. 10
Slogans will be judged by
THE SHOWME BOARD, EDITOR AND BUS. MANAGER
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one
Then there was the girl who was so dumb she
thought the traffic buttons held up the outskirts of
Eggs mark the spot where the hen laid.
-Ohio State Sun Dial.
Do you know any parlor tricks?
No, I'm housebroken.-Pennsylvania' Punch Bowl.
Sheiky Al: This is a quiet spot. I'd like to pause
here and park.
Flappy Flo: You mean you'd like to park here and
paw, but you're not going to!-College Humor.
Then there's the man who writes MOST EM-
BARRASSING MOMENTS, who married a green
country girl for his art's sake.-College Humor.
And then there was the pathetic case of the philoso-
phy class which flunked in a body for prompting the
absent-minded professor when he hesitated in the
midst of his regular Tuesday morning joke.
Sweet young thing, on the farm, as someone passed
her the honey, "Oh! I see you keep a bee!"-The Pup.
Voice from Car: "Shay, offisher, ish thish the way
to go to the football game?"
Badge-Bearer: "You bet. And if I wasn't a cop,
I'd go that way too."-Widow.
Lady: This milk isn't good any more.
Milkman: I know it, lady, our cows haven't been
contented since they tore down the tobacco signs with
the handsome bull on it.-Wampus.
A divinity student named Tweedle,
Once couldn't accept his degree,
'Cause it's touch enough being called Tweedle,
Without being Tweedle, D.D.-Sour Owl.
Soon She'll Be Calling Amoebas
By Their First Names
Maybe, but she also keeps on speaking terms with the otner
animals on the campus.
Classrooms may teem with stern professors earnestly intent
upon taking life seriously, but the Greek gods and goddesses
of the campus demand a touch of gayety in their education.
Something young, vivid, sparkling and exuberant.
Dick Hyland's Diary of a Football Player is one of the literary
surprises of the season. Leonora Baccante's Can't We Be
Friends? is another. Every co-ed will want to read new things
by Katharine Brush, O. O. McIntyre, Margaret Banning, Ach-
med Abdullah and Noel Coward-to mention but a few.
SPECIAL TO COLLEGIANS
9 Months (the school year) for $2.00
Polly and Molly
Pratlings By A Pair Of Prize
Polly: Well, GIRL, I THINK,
well, I'm NOT EXACTLY sure
... but I BELIEVE I am going
to have a part in this Journalism
Show, you know, Polly, the one
called BOTTOMS UP?
Molly: REALLY, Polly, have
you? Oh, you. lucky thing!
What's the play about? Will you
TELL? Or is it SECRET?
Polly: Well it IS secret,
REALLY it IS, and . . . well,
we are not REALLY supposed
to tell anyone, . . but YOU know,
girl, we can't exactly MENTION
the plot to anyone outside of the
cast, but since you are my
ROOMMATE, and you ARE my
ROOMMATE, aren't you, Mol-
Molly: Yeh, I'm your ROOM-
MATE, all right, I am, and by
the way, wasn't that MY sweater
you wore this morning?
Polly:Oh, honey, WAS it? I
THOUGHT it was CLAIRE'S
... but REALLY, honey, I didn't
think YOU would MIND if I
wore YOUR sweater.
Molly: Well, but . . oh, heck,
Polly, YOU are ALWAYS get-
ting the breaks, always havin' a
GOOD time and get to go
PLACES and now here YOU go
and wear all my clothes and get
a PART in this ol' Journalism
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
Polly: But, HONEY, you see
. . . oh, heck! It wasn't my fault
because Claire asked me to go
out for the SHOW because she
heard me singing the other day
and . ..
Molly: Well, I'm going to go
to the SHOW, but not if
CLAIRE is in it. WHO ever
TOLD her she could sing?
Polly: But, MOLLY, you
KNOW she can SING, didn't
she work for some radio station?
Molly: Well, I THINK she is
NOTHING but an old STREET
Polly: She is not! SOMEONE
always picks her up.
And what did you say your name was?
INDEX TO ADVERTISERS
Black and Gold Inn......................
Boone County Trust Co....
College Humor.... ..........
Kress and Company..........
Missouri Drug Co............
P K Sandwich Shop......
J. C. Penney Co................
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Any intelligent person may earn
money corresponding for newspa-
pers; all or spare time; experience
unnecessary; no canvassing; send
for free booklet; tells how. Hea-
cock, Room 597, Bun Bldg., Buffalo,
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