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Missouri Showme March, 1932; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1932

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Missouri Showme 15 cents Circus Number The Sorority Side Show-The Real Dope- About the Observant -Mule- Chesterfield Cigarettes THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three SHOWME BUYER'S GUIDE Page Camel Cigarettes .......... Chesterfield Cigarettes .... Chevrolet College Humor .... Columbia Missourian Gaebler's Black and Gold Inn .... Harris' Cafe .. Hays Hardware Co. Herald-Statesman Pub. Co. House Beautiful- Karmelkorn Knight's Clothing Store ... Kress & Co. Life Saver ..... Miller's Shoe Co ... Missouri Store Co .. Mueller's Flower Shop ... J. C. Penney Co.. The 1932 Savitar .. Tiger Laundry Co. Time Service .. Varsity Barber Shop ... The Wheel Cafe .. MISSOURI SHOWME Missouri Showme is published monthly, except during July and August, by the Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, pro- fessional journalism fraternity, as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year;15c the single copy. VOL. III MARCH 10, 1932 NO. 7 Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi THE CONTENTS OF THIS MAGAZINE ARE NOT TO BE REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION. Address all com- munications to: MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Office of publication: Herald-Statesman Publishing Co., 107 So. Ninth Street, The Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Editorial and Business Office: 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Application for entry as second class mail matter is pending. The Columbia Missourian HAYS HARDWARE CO. "Our Time Is Your Time" DIAL 4163 for Correct Time 7 a. m. to 9 p. m. Page Four THE MISSOURI SHOWME Tiger Laundry and Dry Cleaning Co. Karmelkorn and Sandwich Shop COMING THRU THE RYE A green and purple camel Is ambling on the wall, I watch it anxiously For fear that it will fall, While in and out the window Pink ladies leap and whirl. -Come memories, faint and hazy, Was she a chorus girl?- Some sort of grinning devil Is sitting on my chest; If I could wiggle free of him I think that I could rest. Deep within my vitals, A torturing device Accents my memory of night clubs, Cocktails and chopped ice. A deep gloom settles over me, I wish that I might die And escape this wordly Hell, And forget the reasons why. Is this madness or a nightmare? Struggling I try to think; A dim half conscious mind whispers, "It's the stuff you drink." M. A. M. FORGETFUL It seems of all life's lessons There's one I'll never learn- That playing round with love or fire I'm sure to get a burn. I've made a code to follow So I'll have no regret. It ought to work, if kept in mind; But, darn it, I forget! -H. D. L. IT SHOULD BE "I believe the rent is due," wheezed the fat lady as she fitted on a pair of last year's tights. How about the India Rubber man who erased himself out of the life of the side show dancer? "This is over my head," sputtered the yokel as the cyclone blew the tent down upon him. The trapeze daredevil never got married be- cause he forgot the ring. "Not me," challenges Elastico, the contortion- ist. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five NEW CHEVROLET SIX Page Six THE MISSOURI SHOWME Harris' Cafe Millers PASS THE BUTTER It was in the old days of the circus when trans- portation and itineraries were uncertain matters. In the confusion of one departure, the prize goat of Jingling Bros. had been left behind. The local express company unable to determine the route of the circus was perpelexed as how to slip the goat. Finally a budding genius rose to the occasion. In large letters he painted on the goat's side, the leg- end, "Pass The Butter." Round and round the bowl they sped at furious pace. How long now before the finish queried an anxious audience. A crash of metal and then- "Darling children, eating up all your cereal," beam- ed the fond mother, "but, sweethearts, remember it isn't nice to throw down your spoons." -WINDY Swami Ali Gazam, conductor of seances for Darnum Dailey's Monster Circus, was in a jovial mood as he strutted down the midway of the circus lot. Why shouldn't he feel gay. Hadn't he receiv- ed excellent press notices as to how good were his powers of necromancy and spiritualism? Hadn't the Big Boss raised his salary from twenty dollars a week to a hundred a month? The Swami could afford to smile and laugh at the world. Besides it was Spring. Suddenly a sinister figure stole up on Ali Gazam and beat him into insensibility with a heavy cudgel. "Ah," gloated the asaulter, "I have followed out the fortune teller's advice. Strike a happy medium. There he stood poised upon his high, unsteady perch looking down into the tiny pool of water be- low. Should he risk the fatal plunge. It would mean a serious blow to his childish pride, but it also meant a big clean-up and might remove him from the jam into which he had gotten. His stom- ach seemed a mass of quivering jelly. He felt sud- denly dizzy,-then he plunged.- "Whew," gasp- ed the small boy as he washed off the marks of recent raid on the pantry jam pot in the high kitch- en sink. -S. O. S. She was a beautiful cowgirl in the Rodeo, but he thought she was a bad steer. In the haste of mid-semester rushing one of the better known sororities, discovered that they had put their pin on a bust. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Seven After blushing your way through our last number may we humbly present this the CIRCUS NUMBER ***LOOK OVER OUR ADVERTISEMENTS-FREE PINK LEMONADE AND POP CORN TO GO WITH THIS CIRCUS NUMBER TO SUPPLEMENT ANY MISSING ATMOSPHERE. Missouri Showme "NONSENSE, SENSE AND CONSEQUENCE" VOL III MARCH 10, 1932 NO. 7 0. O. MCINTYRE, Godfather Editor-in-chief, HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Business Manager, WARREN O. MCINTYRE Feature Editor, BEN STONE Advertising Manager, ROBERT W. RACE Exchange Editor, MARIAN KISER Circulation Manager, PATRICK MERRITT Art Editor, JOHN HERBERT ROUSH Assistant Circulation Manager, ANDREW YOUNG Make-up Editor, HAROLD V. CLARK Office Manager, SIDNEY O. SHAPIRO EDITORIAL STAFF BUSINESS STAFF Maxine Bickley Advertising Assistants: Circulation Assistants: Kathryn Bayne Tom Morris Elliott Boren Shirley Ann Brown Betty Pumphrey Lolita Brown Hertha Kuckhardt Dorothy Hoskins Mildred Brown Cleve Kerndt Dorothea Pickett Jane McLeod Maurice Shadle Business Assistants: Jerry Mills Bob Sprinkle Emma B. Offutt Robert Stennis Jim McPheeters Carolyn Stephenson J. D. White Guy Cooper Jean Stewart Dick Slack Martha Davis Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Contents of this publication must not be reprinted without permission. MISSOURI SHOWME is published monthly except during July and August by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Address all business communications to the Business Manager, MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Office hours: 3-5 P. M. daily. Application for entry as second class matter is pending. WHO EVER HEARD OF A CIRCUS WITHOUT pink lemonade and popcorn ? ? ? No one, of course! So, to provide that circus atmosphere we are OFFERING TO OUR READERS FREE a sack of pink popcorn and a glass of lemonade- -er, rather, we mean a sack of Karmelkorn and a glass of PINK LEMONADE. Look through our advertisements, read everyone of them and in one you find a notice that tells you how to get the Karmelkorn, and the other, the pink lemonade ... all FREE. And of course, in reading through these advertisements you will find numerous other GOOD OFFERS, BARGAINS, and HELPFUL HINTS . . . read them carefully too. A S FOR THE SORORITY AND FRATERNITY SIDE SHOWS ... we sincerely hope that everyone takes it in the same spirit as we have in publishing these cartoons . . . our only regret is that the pages were too small to allow for more pictures . . . however we still have some good snapshots and photos that we are guarding for a future number. MYSTERY IS THE THEME for the April Number... watch for it ... our keyword is only that melody to a popular song: "It's a mys-ter-ee." THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine The Showme Show EDITOR'S NOTE: The Observant Mule is willing to attempt to answer any and all questions its readers might have. If you have some question that puzzles you, or if you want to learn something about someone in particular, send a card or letter addressed to: THE OBSERVANT MULE, Post Office Box 291, Columbia, Mo. All answerable questions will appear in the Showme Show of the April Number. CHI-O, EVERYONE . . . Still seems to be lots of interest as to my indentity, even though JANE LILLIS, BETTY HOLMES, and CATHE- RINE BATES were sure that the confidential in- formation the "little boy friend" handed them was the straight stuff . . . Sorry, BEN, that you have un- fortunately been put to embarrassing situations, especially over at the PI PHI house in answering some questions that I could have much easier answered than you . . . and then MR. HARRISON comes out in his OP column and says: "WE were going to ex- pose BEN STONE as the Observant Mule but the THETA SIG dirt sheet beat us to it" . . . Tsk, Tsk, such modesty for the OP! Still having a hard time finding a good OP aren't you? . . . must have been a real setback when E. WILLIS BROWN flatly refused to accept your offer for this semester, wasn't it? What was the trouble with BUD READ? Didn't he get around enough? . . . WONDER WHY ART GRAY raised such a fuss about his tall blind date at Stephens not so long ago? . . . PSI CHI couldn't be negotiating to go T.K.E.-could they? We'll leave that to La Rue ... for a novelty ask DWIGHT JOHNSON why they call him "THE LITTLE MULE" ... Do the DELTA SIGMA PHI'S still require the initiates to wear GUNNY SACK for underclothing during HELL WEEK? Ask one of the NEW actives over there to show you his BRAND . . . they are mighty proud of them . .. Does MACK GLADDEN miss TILLIE now that she's gone . . Funny how these STEPHEN-ers and CHRISTIAN-ers go for the BROADWAY ORCHESTRA MEN ... isn't it? . especially for the sax men (not sex-but sax- ophone, my dears) . . . Did you hurt your knee, old fellow, when you made a dash back to your NEAR- BY house after throwing the lights at the PHI MU house not so long ago ? You sure made lots of racket. L YMAN FORTE, why don't you buy a magazine for a change instead of wearing out those for sale in the Co-op . . . HAZEL SPARKS purchased some new ear-rings . . . we hope you'll like them . .. and then KISER purchases a new crested cigarette case-well! Wonder why ELLEN NESBITT shar- pens so many pencils every morning . . . The worst stunt we have run across recently is this: Some big bloke from one of our eastern states jimmies the win- dow display at Peterson's Studio to get his girl's pic- ture and then takes it to her to have it autographed . . .she did . . . Can you imagine one doing this for just a picture? . . . CASEBEEER and BEVERAGE were a couple of boys at the BETA HOUSE at IOWA some time ago . . . last year we had a VINE- YARD, BEERS, CUPP, and SALTZ all at one time . .. DID YOU KNOW that PAUL BUMBARGER could tap dance? He does, but only on special occasions . . . What happened to the Delta Kappa movement to go D.K.E.? . . . Did it die out just like their candidate for campus King when he left school . . . which was unfortunate, to say the least . . . Ask MATHEWS out at the Sig Alph Mansion why they call him "QUID" . . . Funny how some people will "work" for a grade, isn't it? Take Dotty Andris, for instance . . she even offers and insists that her pro- fessor read her own copy of a modern novel and then takes up a lot of his valuable time in telling him in so many adjectives just how INTERESTING and WONDERFUL it was ... BUFORD BICKLEY is GRAND POTENTATE or something of one of the RHO DAMMIT organizations on the campus . and our boy REDMOND sometimes sports his RHO (Continued on Page Fifteen) FREE PINK LEMONADE AND POPCORN TO AID YOU IN ENJOYING THIS NUMBER Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME The Sorority Show THE MISSOURI SHOWME Fraternity Freaks Page Eleven Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME And What Did You Say Your Name Was? LADY FATIMA High up in the air, standing on the top rung of a tall ladder, is Lady Fatima, the worlds champion fe- male high-diver. At the foot of the ladder is the in- evitable tank, brimming over with water. Rubber-necked spectators crowd the carnival grounds and remain awe-stricken waiting fearfully for the artist to dive. The drum-major wields his huge baton, and the brass band contributes to the occasion with a stirring march. The barker does his part, shouting, "Watch her! . . . Watch her! . . . Watch her! . . . The wurrld's champeen female high-divah . . . the one and only Lady Fatima . . . the marvel of the modern age . . the wurrld-renowned Lady Fatima .. Watch her! ... Watch her!" From her lofty perch the famed one can see the carnival customers watching anxiously for her leap through the air-she prepares to dive. The barker bellows, "Heigh ho! folks. Heigh ho! There she goes! She's one-fourth of the way down. Now one-half. Look! She's three-fourths of the way down. Look! .... Too bad. .... She missed the tank." -Cosmas A ride on a merry-go-round would be really "horsing around." SUGGESTED THEME SONGS FOR CIRCUS PERFORMERS Trapeze acrobat: "I've Got A Feeling I'm Fall- ing." Fat Lady: "Why Not Take All Of Me." Lion Tamer: "I'm So Afraid Of You." Clown: "What A Fool I Have Been." Siamese Twins: "Together," "Side By Side," "When I'm With You." Bare Back Rider: "Crazy Over Horses." Sword Swallower: "Was That the Human Thing To Do." Barker: "Are You Listening." LEAP YEAR LETTERS SHE: Dear Sir: You're far too handsome A single man to be; You'll surely marry someone Eventually! why not me? HE: Dear Madam: Though I'm honored To think that you should choose me, I have a wife and seven kids, I beg you to excuse me! -H. D. L PLAYING HOCKEY -Ski-U-Mah THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen What the Sororities Have to Offer OR-HOW SORORITY CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS SHOULD READ KAPPA GAPPA GAMMA-lovely house and peo- ples too . . . clever little house bill of 60 per . . Contributions in form of fines acceptable ... nice sun parlor if you can beat "Peaches" McD and Danny to it . .. swell lunches . . . some wear dia- mond rings while others just do tricks . . . Sig- ma Chi dates offered all our pledges (if you can rate them). . . Recreations: Bicycle riding on third floor . . . come and join us . .. first come first serv- ed . . we have it all over Pi Phis. PI BETA PHI-a fireproof house with fire escapes ... also driveway and front door ... conglomera- tion of nice figures .. . we date only the best and will get you dates with any and all but the Kap- pa Sigs . . . so many prominent peoples among our sistern . . . come early to avoid the rush . . . hot and cold running water at all times . . . just grab a pin out of the platter that stands near the door . . . we are forced by the depression to take almost anyone . . . look at our gang of last fall .. yet we have it all over the Kappas. DELTA GAMMA-People know us as the Campus Marines and "Leatherneckers" . . . Our theme song besides "Dig a Little Deeper" is "Anchors Aweigh" . . .we have a lovely old barn but are planning to build soon . . . Fern is our big office holder and glad-ta-meetcha-girl ... we play foot- ball with the Phi Psi's and steak fries with any- one who'll take us . . . we are SO eminent in the jelly field . . . plenty of stags at our parties since our privileges were returned . . . CHI OMEGA--nice Spanish type house on Burn- ham Street . . . we take only the best . . . and some of the prominent old girls that you can get to know . . . It's a wonder we keep our social privileges cause we have just one big time run- ning around . . . Just one big happy family in Chi O ... the saying "Chi O, everybody" was started by us ... make applications now ... no references necessary. ALPHA EPSILON PHI-we're national . . . be- lieve it or not . . . although we have local competi- tion we are still the best in this line . . . right across from the Library, you can't miss it . .. we hold an option on the S. A. M.'s and Zebes. PHI MU-We're much nicer than anyone on the campus ... our white house is a symbol of purity . . .Dotty Andris can get you into anything but Tomb and Key ... Beautiful view of golf course . . we had an Ag Queen once . .. and Tis Sug- gett is a power in the Journalism School . . .we also are national . . . and, oh yes, our house bill is no more than anyone else's . .. The only soro- rity on Kentucky Street besides them Thetas. ALPHA CHI OMEGA-We don't break into print very often but we just plug along and manage to get places too ... We'd just love to rope someone in on a blind date and the boys know us (Yes, they sure do) . . . ask the ATO's, they think we're grand . . . we aren't high-hat, but people don't understand our attitudes . . . We had a beauty queen once . . . medium rates . . . favorable sur- roundings . . . call 6407 for appointment. THETA PHI ALPHA-802 Richmond . . . right amongst all the others . . drop around and see us ... you'll learn to like us after you know us a while . . references necessary. KAPPA ALPHA THETA-some wonderful new girls in our house this year . . . and the ones from last year are about the same but more discreet about what they do . . . we can fix you up with Sigma Nu dates . . . we have a grand chapter at Washington . . . Phi Gam's used to do our rush- ing .. . Apply at the north door and come early if you want to get in . . . Sam Brown likes us too . . . we also date other nice boys .. . We once broke into the Kansas City Star with our "Pa- jama Party" . . . break into print with dear old Kappa Alpha Theta. DELTA DELTA DELTA-Don't let Emily Lautz scare you away . .. Emily is O. K. IF you know her . . . we are somewhat particular about our pledges . . .look us over before you go else- where ... Be a sister at your own and your dad's expense .. . We have Harriet Shellenburger who is president of practically everything ... we have two nice girls from Quincy ... at one time we had the largest number of pledges on the campus, but we were saved from misfortune and locked the gate just in time . . . we are also national; some people call us the "Try-Delts;" nice roomy rooms, hot and cold running water; fair meals in and out of the house . . .come and join our sorority. GAMMA PHI BETA-Country home atmosphere for rural girls . . . we do right by all who join ex- cept those who have indifferent attitudes .. . we have so many prominent alumnae . . . Merrill and Overall will assure you of dates with at least two houses . . . Housebill very reasonable and we do our own washing . . . we play jacks on our front porch and also have Dorothy Lee Bird and others . . you can't go wrong with us, girls. (Continued on Page Fourteen) Page Fourteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME Herald-Statesman Publishing Co. WHAT THE SORORITIES HAVE TO OFFER (Continued From Page Thirteen) ALPHA DELTA THETA-we just went national . .. give us a break.. we are planning to build soon but still have nice accommodations to of- fer . . . sewing and embroidering taught . . . we are the cream of the Education School . . . we are here to learn and live . . . we trust you will give us consideration before pledging. ALPHA DELTA PI-We furnish dates for almost any fraternity . . . politics is not our big motive . . . we have some very cute girls (at least we think so) . . . good meals served . . . and how we can play bridge! We have Sparks, Witt, Lane, McMullen and Lee . . . they can get you across, girls. You'll like the design of our pin . . . in- expensive in proportion to our national size. Come early, but by appointment. ALPHA PHI-we get more publicity than any one sorority of our type and size on any campus . .. of course you have heard of ALPHA PHI? We are just heads above the other sororities . . . Bea and Ida Lee are our big shots in the Journalism School and rate almost everything . . . Ida Lee can swing the Alpha Sigs into doing almost any- thing . . . you'll go crazy when she laughs . . . she's So cute . . .Bea can train you to be nice, demure old fashioned girls and can give you a break in the editorial class . . next door to Pi K A-for which we have no extra charge in the housebill . . . We specialize in late dates . . call at any hour... if we can't fix you up, no one can. ALPHA GAMMA DELTA-we are national; we live way out where no one will bother you . . always in on activities and have our share of the Beauty Queens . . . Come one, come all ... There's just something about us that all the oth- ers lack . . . find out for yourselves, girls . . . Our president is SO broad-minded about things . . . Lovely old Southern type house with a quiet farm nearby . . . you can study .. . but who wants to ? ... You tall boys can come our way for lean, lanky dates .. . we have them . .. also can accom- modate half-pint young men ... Once an Alpha Gam .... ZETA TAU ALPHA-We live just behind the BETA house . . . we are eager for late dates . . Have you seen our sister, Lucille Ross and her Big Beautiful Buick?.. . we are very good in the south . . . the farthest south the better our chap- ters get... we are not exactly social lions .. . but we throw a formal now and then . . . Call us day or night for particulars . . . references not neces- sary . . . house bill is just ordinary . .. we are in a class by ourselves . . come and join us. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Fifteen SHOWME SHOW (Continued From Page Nine) DAM pin . . .but does he ever show instead of tell- ing you about his other emblem or badge? . . . we have heard ALL about it from him . . . the PHI DELTS had a circus all of their own recently and the consequence was that they landed in the local bastile . .. at least two of them did. And from the same contributor I find this item among some of the others turned in by the staff for this column: Local girl makes good. Keller wins her coke and the Wash- ington PI K. A. . . . Glee Club Youth goes away wondering what it is all about . . .These GAMMA ALPHA CHI afternoon meetings result in nothing more than an organized BULL SESSion which is topped off with dirty jokes . . . tsk, tsk, we ARE surprised at some of them . . . not the jokes, but the speakers .. . No, BETTY PUMPHREY, spaghetti is not what you think it is . . . T HIS EAVESDROPPING business in booths is getting difficult since people, especially a FIGI and a PI PHI have gone in for whispers . .. We un- derstand EDDIE CONNOR has been tearing his hair because some one told him we had his picture for the FRATERNITY FREAK PAGE... ha, what a laugh "BOTTOM'S UP" seems to be your key-word at these AVALON affairs, doesn't it, ROBERT? . . . Have you had an opportunity to listen in on the COL- LINGS-WAGNER "Crawfish debate?" Regardless of who the crawfish is, both should have gone ahead with their dates at O. U. ... What happened between the PHI MU'S and DWIGHT SCHUBEL? . . . WHY ALL THE EXCITEMENT about the nu- merous black eyes on the campus? You AL- PHA CHI'S don't let Sam Brown bother you or worry about getting dope for this column . .. he has nothing whatsoever to do with us . ., . SAM, haven't you had about enough . . . even ALPHONSE left Spain after they made an ASS out of him . . . LANE and ES- THER WITT are two of the girls that SING (?) over our local radio station each Monday evening ... People wonder why you walk at a slant, MR. HORO- GUCHI .... Didn't the THETA SIGS bid amongst themselves for the campus bigshots for their dance? It seems that the big girls in the outfit thought it ne- cessary for them to ask only the big-boys in the Jour- nalism school . . . but what a time they had deciding who would take who . . . we could have suggested a better grade of paper than proof paper for their dirt sheet . .. (Continued On Page Seventeen) Life Savers Your SAVITAR Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME The WHEEL CAFE KRESS' Bearded lady's daughter: "Say, where's your old man today?" Contortionist's son: "Aw, he's all tied up in his work." OH-ME! The moon hangs high The wind blows low, The trees are swaying To and fro. Night sounds are few, The mist is light Gold burning bright. My heart, dear, is Filled with sorrow; I have a paper Due tomorrow. -E. M. First hula-hula dancer: "That is my man out there." Second hula-hula dancer : "Well I want him for myself; suppose we shake for him." So the Chinese army has been defeated? Yes, they had too many chinks in their defense. BETTER GET A NEW ONE Mother: "What did you do when your horrid husband hid the can opener?" Bride: "I opened the cans with his razor." H.R Mueller Florist KNIGHT'S THE MISSOURI SHOWME Seventeen SHOWME SHOW (Continued From Page Fifteen) WHY WERE IDA LEE CANNON, BATES, and J. D. WHITE left out of the publicity stunt that broke into the Kansas City Star last Sun- day . . . SUGGETT, you should have informed them about it . .. Ask "PEN" McLAIN to give you her little talk on the local K. A. chapter . . . They'd better hire her to rush for them . . . Why do so many people run over to Fulton every few days? Can it be to see their friends in the institution? . . . Saw a "WOOG" in black and white sport shoes one warm afternoon not so long ago . . . Thought the SIG ALPHS were the only ones who had the year round license for those . . . Hear JIM SHEPHERD intends to run for Student President this spring . . and it is also said that BILL JACKSON has the same inten- tions; if so he had better quit dating Stephens and come back to the campus and date some votes .. . or has he already started that? SPEAKING OF DATING, the ALPHA GAMS seem to think it pays to date the ENGINEERS -if only to get the Queen; reference: DOROTHY GRIFFIN-alias Miss St. Patrick-What's the dope on the bucket line at the TRI-DELT house? We've got our own suspicions . . . MARJ STONE should have known that something would happen if she tried to get even with the boy concerned . . . How did SUE HUNKER happen to get sick in a phone booth recently, we were asked . . but we will have to leave that to SUE. WHAT ABOUT THOSE LETTERS you have been receiving lately, OHNEMUS? We hope it isn't as bad as we've heard. More power to yuh . . . And again, this item turned in reports that GAIL tried to find the PHI GAM number under the "F's" in the phone book . . . we had credited her with some sense but stock must have fallen considerably since then . . . another contribution from the staff is: Did you see Dot Andris and Franck Eschen at the Theta Sig party recently? . . . yes, thanks, we DID! But there were also others outside, too . . . the moving lights from cigarettes reminds us of that scene from "Mati Hari"-didn't it? . . . Can you tie this one: Cal Coolidge was a "Phee Gee" yes, but you never heard him bragging about it. .. HAVE YOU CALLED the PHI DELTA PHI house recently and received the greeting of "FIRE STATION" and when you asked for some- one that happened to not be at home-get the follow- ing: "He's out on the truck"-have you? High-school- ish, we'd say . . . What about the keys to the Theta back door that are being passed around so liberally? (Continued On Page Eighteen) Presidential Timber! What this country needs is an all-around, all-wet president. Homer Bru, banker, busi- ness man, farmer and statesman, is that man. Mr. Bru's modesty is shown in his answer to his party's request that he throw his hat in the ring in the forthcoming election. His answer was simply, "Who, me?" A play-by-play and plank-by-plank story of Homer Bru's campaign is being published in COLLEGE HUMOR. As citizens of these (we hope) United States, it is your duty to keep your finger on the pulse of the hectic politics of the aforesaid States. Bru's spotless record will inspire you. Read about him in College Humor Page Eighteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME GAEBLER'S BLACK and GOLD INN VARSITY BARBER SHOP The Missouri Store Co. SHOWME SHOW (Continued From Page Seventeen) And why did SOMERVILLE and KNIGHT hide when Jesse came around? And asking more questions . .who got their toe caught in the mouse trap?? Anyone knowing these answers shouldn't be reading this page, so there you smarties . . . A Beta recently told us that EK KELLOGG took some younger Sig- ma Chi's into camp learning this game of penny poker from them. Whoever thinks Elsie isn't smart just doesn't know . . . and three boys from 500 College will testify . . . WHAT MADE BUD BEYNON forget to sa- lute his colonel-absentmindedness ? ? ? Over- heard a barb girl say that she thought GEORGE STU- BER was the NICEST DELT of the whole bunch. MARX CURTLEY was second choice. . . JIMMY ZINN is the most modest person we know for all his good grades and his letters in track and basketball. He isn't so retiring when you get to know him a bit... AND SO, MY FRIENDS, (??) I must away ... haven't you by now been convinced that the Theta Sigs were wrong about BEN STONE . . . three guess- es to all of you as to whether or not I fall under the classification of "masculine" or "feminine"-even though I sign off with the usual monnicker- THE OBSERVANT MULE Senorita Alavarino, world's premiere female con- tortionist, known far and wide throughout the cir- cus world as Pretzelle, was bent over her back- breaking work. Beads of perspiration were on her forehead and there was a pained look on her face, for she was in hot water. Her task nearly comple- tion, she gave one more bit of wringing, a final twist, and then a fierce yank. "There, no more laundry for another week." Windy HOUSE BEAUTIFUL J. C. Penny Co. Inc. Camel Cigarettes