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And Now He Knows How The Girls Feel
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three
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Missouri Showme is published monthly, except during July
and August, by the Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, pro-
fessional journalism fraternity, as the Official Humor and
Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription
price, $1.00 per year;15c the single copy.
VOL. III APRIL 4, 1932 NO. 8
Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi
THE CONTENTS OF THIS MAGAZINE ARE NOT TO BE
REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION. Address all com-
munications to: MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street,
Columbia, Missouri. Office of publication: Herald-Statesman
Publishing Co., 107 So. Ninth Street, The Virginia Bldg.,
Columbia, Mo. Editorial and Business Office: 14 So. Ninth
Street, Columbia, Missouri. Application for entry as second
class mail matter is pending.
The Columbia Missourian
"Our Time Is Your Time"
for Correct Time
7 a. m. to 9 p. m.
Page Four THE MISSOURI SHOWME
BLACK and GOLD INN
MADE ITS TOPMOST BOUGH
After two hours' strenuous chopping, the wood-
cutter finally felled the tree.
The tree lay on the ground and pined for a little
while. Then it said: "Woodcutter, you sure have got
Cannibal Cook: "Shall I boil the Missionary, sir?"
Cannibal Chief: "No, you fool, that's a Friar."
At a dance-Reach for your Sweetie, if she's
there you're Lucky.
Hello, is this Scotland Yard ?"
"May my children come over and play? I hate
to have them playing in the alley."
Prof: "Do you think Henry Ford would make a
Clever Student: "Verily, he has the makings of
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five
WHO'S WHO AT
Can you recognize them? If your
best friend won't tell you, you can
find out in the next SHOWME!
1. He dances like an angel, a sylph,
or simply divinely-depending on whom
he has given the rush. He's really quite
good at it-giving the rush we mean-
and he seems to have no ulterior mo-
tives since he's not a politician. He
holds the gavel for the group that
boasts presidential material and flits
blithely around the journalism school-
sometimes on assignments and some-
times just waiting for Ida Lee Cannon.
2. She's a blonde, bobbed-hair young
lady from down South, and if it weren't
that her repoht cahd showed so much
"E" and "S" we uns wouldn't be fah
wrong in sayin' that she makes a dahn
good jelly. Shes a Cwen, and lives in
the big Methodist house on University
although she trots out to the English
house on Richmond on Monday nights
foh chaptah meeting. The boys heah
like her "you alls" and it seems that
she may be a big shot some day.
3. No, it isn't a contortionist, it's
just a college boy that can't keep his legs
still. They're not very long, but they
can move fast. His line is quite a bit
longer than his legs, and he uses it to
advantage judging from the number of
calf-eyed co-eds that look longingly to-
ward the big new house on Stewart
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
4. She's getting places in Workshop,
and does her bit in keeping the stag line
in circulation. She's slenderish, blond-
ish, baby-faced and wears a jeweled
"what they hold a ship still with." When
excited, wrings her hands and becomes
quite sincere and imploring, and takes
everything seriously, or at any rate she's
a pretty good actress who does her type
5. You can see him most any day at
either Lathrop or Jesse Aud, sleeves roll-
ed up and hammer in hand, directing the
tossing of scenery around for Work-
shop. Nice, dark-haired chap with stu-
dious looking glasses. That poet-like
type that women want to mother. Goes
around the stage mumbling songs and
poetry in a style all his own, with all
the nonchalance and absentmindedness
in the world. Has a funny idea in back
back of his head that someday he'll
find his ideal. Rates A-1 as a jelly.
6. He's Irish and Journalistic and
Athletic in a big way. No, not exactly
an Adonis, but his hair is awfully nice
if you like red. No, little girl, he isn't
trying to bully you-that's just his way
and most of them like it. He's a fra-
ternity brother of Buddy Rogers and
also likes the Irish black-haired colleens
with blue eyes and temperament.
7. She's not one of the Greeks nor
one of the jellies, but really gets places
as far as honor rolls and societies go.
Mixes an occasional finger in politics
and has many a time saved an election
by swinging the big house in which she
lives for one group or another. Tall,
slender, wears glasses and never seems
to move fast although she always gets
there ahead of the rest.
8. He hails from the plains of Kan-
sas and has almost finished four years
of learning to till the soil in the most
approved manner. Last year, a fixture
on the Gamma Phi front porch from
10:30 to 12:15 P. M., but this year he's
a bit more promiscuous. Big shot over
at a Burnham street house. Is long-to-
be-remembered for a memorable, if
somewhat incoherent speech at the
Homecoming mass meeting.
9. If you can't find her among the
Jesse jellies, she will be sitting in front
of the house with the white pillars,
(No, not that one, the other one) in
the long nosed gray Cord. She's just
an innocent little Frosh from a big
little town on our west, and it seems
she has a sweet tooth for D. U.'s. She
may be a beauty queen-if gentlemen
still prefer blondes.
A Potential Pest
Charles A. Lindbergh, the "flying
colonel," was said to be maintaining his
composure in an effort to comfort his
wife, who is an expectant bother.
-K. C. Journal-Post.
Sprig is cobig!
And spring has came-as it were.
1st. Frau: The ole man is a second-
2nd. Spouse: Oh, yeah?
1st. Frau: Yeah, if the first story isn't
good enough he tells another.
Senior partner of DeOdeurs, Parfu-
mers: 'What perfumes shall we use
for the spring trade this year?"
The other 1-10 percent: "My old re-
liables, jasmine and tulip, of course."
Senior partner: "There you go, stick-
ing your two scents in again."
Dope: "I hear Santy Claus has the
Second Student: "What's that?"
Dope: "The flue, you sap, the flu."
My, Alice, how did you get into such
a terrible condition.
Simple, I took a tramp into the woods.
Editors of college comics, some people
believe, should be obscene, but-not
Girl of yesteryear: "Well, it's spring
now; guess I'll get out my summer
Girl of today: "Hell, it's spring now;
guess I'll get out of my underwear."
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
POLITICS IS WITH US
And now IS the time for all good men
to come to the aid of their party.
And now is a good time for all men
to come to the aid of their party.
"The Haunted Fraternity House"
"The Deceased Brother Returns"
"And what makes the grass green,
grandpa?" lamented little Algernon.
Spring is that time when we turn
from dreaming to action.
"Ah! Sweet mystery of life," com-
mented the biologist after an intensive
study at the microscope.
With the new sales tax coming into
effect we suggest as an advertising slo-
gan for the post office: "You can't lick
Have you seen these new Gandhis
women are wearing?
No, mahatma is still sticking to the
If small books are called booklets,
and small stories are novelettes, would
small bulls be called bull-ets?
"Watch that right of his," bellowed
the manager to the heavyweight.
"How can I when he keeps it in my
eye?" he snorted.
"Come, Come, Sherlock," said the fol-
lies girl back stage, "you didn't find any
concealed weapons on me the last three
times you searched, did you?"
Si: 'What's happened to your dog;
he seems to be going crazy."
Las: "Yeh, we built a picket fence
around the yard last week."
"NONSENSE, SENSE AND CONSEQUENCE"
VOL III APRIL 4, 1932 NO. 8
O. O. MCINTYRE, Godfather
Editor-in-chief, HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN
Business Manager, WARREN O. MCINTYRE
Feature Editor, BEN STONE Advertising Manager,ROBERT W. RACE
Exchange Editor, MARIAN KISER Circulation Manager, ANDREW YOUNG
Art Editor, JOHN HERBERT ROUSH Assistant Circulation Mgr., THEODORE COURSAULT
Make-up Editor, HAROLD V. CLARK Office Manager, SIDNEY O. SHAPIRO
EDITORIAL STAFF Advertising Assistants: BUSINESS STAFF
Maxine Bickley Tom Morris Circulation Assistants:
Kathryn Bayne Betty Pumphrey
Shirley Ann Brown Dorothy Hoskins Elliott Boren
Hertha Luckhardt Clif Jones Lolita Brown
Cleve Kerndt Lynn Severance Mildred Brown
Dorothea Pickett Jane McLeod
Maurice Shadle Business Assistants: Jerry Mills
Robert Stennis Jim McPheeters Emma B. Offutt
J. D. White Guy Cooper Carolyn Stephenson
Dick Slack Jean Stewart
Fred Crane Public Relations Julius Levy
Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Contents of this publication must
not be reprinted without permission. MISSOURI SHOWME is published monthly except during July and August by Sigma Delta Chi as the
Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy.
Address all business communications to the Business Manager, MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Office hours:
3-5 P. M. daily. Application for entry as second class matter is pending.
NOW is the time for all good men to come to the a id of their party ... so goes the cry of the politician . .
and it doesn't take a Walter Winchell or a She rlock Holmes to detect these politicians at work on pros-
pective votes. For the while our work and worries (if any) are forgotten while our thoughts are turned toward
EVEN spring with its enticing offerings is temporarily put aside until the results are announced . . . and af-
ter it is all over the winners will rejoice over their victory and the losers weep over their defeat and once
again we all revert back to normalcy until the next election . . . and so on.
RIGHT with our policy of serving the entire campus with a strictly humorous (yeah, we think it's funny)
and a non-political publication, THE MISSOURI SHOWME wishes to announce that it takes no sides
in this political seet-ye-ation.
THE candidates . .. all of them .. . are worthy of the offices for which they have been nominated . . . our
only desire is to see the best ones win . . . to the candidates themselves we wish them all the best luck
and to the parties, we hope to rejoice with the victorious and at the same time sigh with the losers.
SUCH is the policy of THE MISSOURI SHOWM E .. . it's our version and we stick to it ... As to this
number we ask you to solve the mystery angle of it . . . and as for the names under the PERFECT
CRIMES and UNSOLVED MYSTERIES "we hope you'll like it." -The Editor.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine
OUR WINCHELLING is being
carried on in the outlying dis-
tricts now, due to the warm
weather. Those who go to those
places had better beware! Ask
MAX COLLINGS how he got
along Sunday night the third. We
always thought that Max was a
better man than that. .. Didn't
MAX BAIRD and BRYAN HOR-
NER have quite a wait in front of
the B. & P. A. school recently?
Wonder why? . .. Is it true CHA-
MIER, that you were recently
seen sitting on Mrs. Wise' lap?
Richard, you rascal you. . . "Hoo
Sunker, the freshman terror" seen
and heard getting the bird in the
Black and Gold recently . . .
STANDEVEN has gone high
school again and is now rolling her
socks. Won't she ever grow up?
. . EDDIE PETERS' strange
power over the weaker sex seems
to consist of tweeking their chins
-Neff Hall, f'instance . . . How
did GEORGE WAITE get his
new nickname "Sloppy Sid"?
HAVE YOU NOTICED some
of the buttons being scattered
so recklessly about some of the
smaller houses? Elections are here,
which might explain that . . .Where
did the Phi Delta Phi's send the
raincoat man? And what did he
want the date for? Ask any of the
boys, they know. .. The D. U.'s
recently were quite air-minded.
They were looking for a stork
hovering over any one of the many
Richmond houses. The A. D. Pi's
said it loked like a bird of para-
dise. That, of course, depends on
how one looks at the thing. . . Vina
Delmar never described it that
PRING NIGHTS bring back
late dates again. You would
think the two Anchor girls would
learn more about being poured
through kitchen windows . . . and
they could do it better, too. That
was one window, Fern, or who-
ever it is that does those things
out there, that was overlooked
when nailing them down . . . Nice
coming-out party the TRI DELTS
gave for URSULA wasn't it? ...
Winnie had a time running in and
out of the formal. Why don't they
take better care of their girls in
their earlier days? And the K. A.
by the name of POTTS (we hope
that is right) seemed to keep well
out of sight for quite a while, didn't
do so much good though. .. 810
Richmond is quite popular for late
dates if the number of phone calls
is any indication.
LORD BRADLEY, we hear, is
woried for fear someone is go-
ing to expose him. He is saving the
last waltz for the one who spoke
first, but you might ask him any-
how. Reference, the Kappa front
porch one Sunday afternoon. ..
Are a Pi Phi and a Kappa really
fighting over a K. C. man, or are
they just imagining things about
the whole affair?
OB ARMSTRONG sitting out
in back of the DELTA SIG-
MA PHI house telling the new
boys about when he played foot-
ball here many moons gone by.
Don't believe everything he says,
children... Did the shirtless lawyer
ever get by for his date with MAR-
THA JUNE STEVENSON? . ..
FANNY PARKS, we understand,
offered to play "Last night on the
Back Porch" for the PHI GAMS.
OURNALISM girls who walk
down the street smoking. Ter-
rible. .. GRANT ANDERSON
really doesn't sing tenor, that beret
just happened to be red. . . Is
"PONY BOY" EICHMAN really
weazels? . . . It looks as though
HAL FOSTER again this year
will elect the big caucus's candi-
dates without much effort. . These
people who tear down political
signs. Consider the source.
EN McLAIN (who faints on
all her blind dates) is quoted
as saying that BERT LOWN of
the TERRACE CAFE was alright
until he put on his white beret and
coon skin coat. Did he wear a mon-
acle, Pen? . . . Ask some who
went, about what a success the
TIMBER TOPPERS picnic was.
ARE THE DELTS ever a bit
cocky about how they are get-
ting along politically? From what
we've heard there is no reason for
their being so cock-sure. . . Polo
team doesn't look a bit bad does it ?
Quite a crowd at the last game,
too. . . ALLEE explained for a
couple of hours one night shortly
(Continued on page Eighteen)
Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME
And What Did I Say My Name Was?
love the spring, tra la.
The bees and each bird that
sings, tra la. The green gir-
affes and the zebras, too. Just sit
in your chair and watch the whole
zoo. Why go out and risk catching the
flu, when you can sit right at home and
see the whole crew? The red ganar-
ooooo and the hippopotamus blue. It's no
trouble to meet them. Why don't
you? But best of all I
love the elep hants p
ink that al ways c
ome aft er the fi
And then there was a Gamma Fi who
looking through the Family Bible, came
across a pressed leaf. "Oh, look, mom-
ma," she cried, "Here's Eve's dress."
Collitch Lad (in haberdashery) : "Give
me a nice green shirt."
Female Clerk: "Neck?"
The illiterate: "Sure!"
What an Age to Begin Again!
Eloping at 95 to wed his housekeeper,
an aged Chicago physician, Dr. H.
Lindgren, who stated in his license cer-
tificate that he had been married be-
fore, retired from active practice ten
-K. C. Journal-Post.
and Jill went
up the hill to fe
tch a pail
of w a t e
g to b
LOVE LIES BLEEDING
You were a goddess viewed from afar;
You were soft winds, new moons, a star;
I knelt to worship at your shrine
And dreamed some day to make you
Now it is gone-that beauty, that pain;
The love that I bore you long dead has
I loved you-all is said with that-
. .. Except why did you wear that
As the Radio Advertisers Would Like to See Us-or the Efficiency
Expert Settles Down For an Evening at the Radio.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven
What the Fraternities Have to Offer
OR... HOW FRATERNITY ADVERTISEMENTS SHOULD READ
ALPHA GAMMA RHO-We are the best on the Ag
campus, even though we don't have the largest army. We
can help you; no matter what you want to get into we'll get
you in. FERGUSON, GEISELMAN, and PROFITT are
among our big shots, the latter being a marksman. Join
our lodge and learn to shoot, how to rake hay and how to
make it in our own quiet little way; come one come all.
The quiet of our country house is conducive to thought; come
and meditate upon the evils of your misspent lives. Will
promise you all jobs during Barnwarming, Farmers Fair
week, and during the harvest season.
ALPHA GAMMA SIGMA-We have the largest
standing army of voters this side of the Rubicon, and the best
ward wheeler in the country in HAL FOSTER. Our order
is the oldest on the Ag campus and you know of our rating.
Just ask anyone on the Ag campus, they'll tell you what a
power we are. Come early and be among the chosen few
(60) for we are very exclusive you know. Our farm is
modernly equipped with the latest of farm machines to make
the new boys feel at home and so that the younger ones
won't get homesick. Come before the harvest season opens.
Just ask for the ENSMINGER boys or HAL FOSTER.
ALPHA SIGMA PHI-We are big shots on this cam-
pus. If you don't think so just look at the activities we are
in. Of course the better houses don't go in for activities but
then we have to do something to distinguish ourselves beside
having an occasional student president and an annual candi-
date for something or other. VERNIE MYERS can get
you into the Journalism school and make you a big shot if
you'll speak to all the reporters. BOB LOWRY will teach
you anything from the adagio to straight chorus work, and
how to make love under a street lamp with anyone's queen.
Drop around any time. On the west side of Hitt, behind
the street lamp and next to the Phi Delta Phi house, those
naughty boys next door.
ALPHA TAU OMEGA-We're a lovely bunch of
boys. Wouldn't you like to join us and call the Dean a
brother? And are we ever big shots, haven't we got the
student president? Of course the better lodges don't have
student presidents, but then they couldn't get one if they
wanted to because we are the power on this campus. Haven't
we got the student president? We have so many well known
boys, too. BUD (Beer Baron) BEYNON for instance. And
HOPE CUNNINGHAM, too. You remember Hope don't
you? "Where there's life there is Hope; and where there
is Hope there is a good goose." Jimmy is also well known
some how. Come and sign up, our flower is the pansy, too.
BETA THETA PI-"We are the people, people," and
"Marching along in Beta Theta Pi" are our best advertise-
ments. Of course our well known brethren like
TOM BRETT, WILKS, and The COX boys all do
their best for old "Wooglin." Come over and see us before
you do anything. You never can tell; if we don't shave your
head we might pledge you Phi Delt. We are awfully well
known throughout the frat. world. Don't forget us when
considering. Remember what Aesop (he was a Beta) said,
"Once a Beta always a -." Oh, well, we won't go into
that because we have to leave something to your own imagina-
tions. Grab a badge from the sack sitting by the door when
you come in.
DELTA SIGMA PHI-If you like beer, the good old
fashioned home made variety, drop in and see us. We brew
our own in the basement or attic, unless the housemother is
away and then we get to use her bath tub. We think that
beer busts are good for the order and the brothers will do
anything for the good of the order. Just ask them. Some
of them will do anything anyhow. Look at who they date.
Hello, Allee! And the Kappas aren't any too careful some-
times about their shades. We turn our lights off early, but
lately we haven't been doing so well. The girls are getting
next to us. A. D. Pi. is on the other side, if you can't get
late dates with these girls you can't them anywhere. Come
around and have CY MILLER call you "bro" and mooch
Camels off'n ya. We are the best on the campus. Every-
body says so.
DELTA TAU DELTA-We used to be known for
our many athletes, but lately our squad has dropped off con-
siderably so we will take most anyone. And are we ever
mixed up? SAM WILSON is gonna be a councilman or else.
And the same goes for STUBER too. Come around and
sign up and we'll get you all the late dates with the Thetas
that anyone could ask for. Nice airy rooms and most of
them with western exposure. Meals served three times a day
and we are open the year 'round, no matter if school is closed
or not. The Delt house is open forever. We are the best
on the campus. Look at our intramural record these past
few years and ask anyone over at the gym (ladies).
(Continued on Page Fourteen)
A TENDER AFFAIR
Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME
How the word "Jelly" originated.
What Sigma Nu saw in BILL CLARK.
What becomes of the parts when day
Why PULLIAM walks so funny.
Why was that the human thing to do.
The origin of the "SANDBLOWERS"
What RAMLOW does with his spare
Who killed Cock Robin.
When MALCOM WELLS will wake
Is IRV FOX as shrewd as his name.
How the stadium got its popularity.
Why McENNIS hangs around HACK-
ETHORN so much.
Why Scotchmen are tight.
Why FRED CRANE is always smiling.
What is the matter with the last drop.
If BROOKS LAGREE is nicknamed
What a whale of a difference a few
If EMORY SHY is really shy.
Why they call BOB MAYFIELD "El-
If DAVID HENSLY ever had a serious
Why TED COOPER looks so dumb.
How much did the Light Brigade charge.
Why RIGROD always keeps his hands
in his pocket.
How did the stories about pansies start.
What FLOYD carries in his BAS-
Which came first, the egg or the chicken.
What's funny about MARY DOT CAL-
Why does a fireman wear red suspen-
Why MARY JO SHERWOOD came
Why isn't there a cough in a carload.
Why JOHN LOVE was worried when
he lost his caricature.
What became of the yo-yo.
Why student graders are always so pop-
What happened to the expression: 'Oh-
Why the Phi Mu's jelly at the north-
east corner of Jesse Hall.
Who was that woman we saw you with
Why do they call BILL GRAHAM
Why the Showme runs that cartoon call-
ed "What did you say your name
Why the 'Boilermakers" blast so loud
each night and afternoon.
Why we have a radio station in this
Why the DELTA GAMS live on Pro-
What GEORGE PINDALL ADAMS
thinks about sex.
Why they call BOB BERRY "Pawnee
Why HORACE BLACKWELL took
Is ORVAL BOEKEMEIER French or
Does MIMI BUESCHER live in Col-
umbia or Midway.
What B.V.D. stands for.
Who are the girls that RALPH
COATSWORTH knows at Stephens.
What happens when the blue of the
night meets the gold of the day.
Why CHAT COWHERD goes to K. C.
at least 3 times a week.
Why is EMMA BELLE OFFUTT.
Who takes care of the caretaker's daugh-
Is ANNABEL FAIR.
What CHAMP MOULDER thinks
Why do they call GEORGE HOL-
How they put holes in Swiss cheese.
Is FREDDIE HETZLER still in the
Why the A. D. Pi's think 7485 is their
Why DALE STECK is such a sponge.
Why they call COSMOS "Tap-it-
Is HARSEY from St. Louis or just
from the east.
Where does LESTER PETEFISH.
Why do they call HANK HOWELL
the "hired man."
How it ever got around that MARK
GARVER wrote for the Saturday
Why HUGH POINTS.
How long and lean ESTHER WITT
survives the brisk campus breezes.
Why Jeff City is so popular with the
Which SHANKLIN twin has more S.
And how does one go about telling the
CUMMINGS TWINS apart.
Are all co-eds on the make.
What lured the ZETA TAU ALPHA'S
away from the books last semester?
BETA own up.
What the home life of Oscar, the cam-
pus wag, is like.
Why people persist in telling us that
the DELTA TAU DELTA flower is
Did some of these blondes dye for old
Which two Columns are farthest apart.
And what did you say your name was?
CERVANTES billiard ball coiffeur.
Why people go walking out to Lover's
Leap on Sunday afternoons.
What were three THETA'S doing in a
local beer garden last week?
The attraction of the benches in front
of the Engineering Bldg. and the Bi-
ology Pond bridge after dark?
Why they call RAY DONHAM, varsity
heavyweight wrestler and football
player, "Pansy," over at the SIGMA
PHI SIG lodge?
Why a certain ALPHA PHI blushes
when you mention "cow."
Who were the two D. U.'s who had
their pictures taken on the porch roof
and had to climb to the third floor in
full view of the FIMEW'S.
What do college boys want with lemon
soda and cracked ice?
Is that a lot of bull about COWHERD?
The identities of thsoe two blithe Lo-
thario's "JAN GAY" and "JACK
WARNER;" the latter is PHI MU-
Do the CHI O'S really serve their neo-
phytes up raw? They repulsed the
Savitar photographer when he tried
to get the bare facts.
How is it possible to take an action
picture of SID COOLEY, Farmhouse
flash, with a box camera, in private
life; though he is the fastest of the
Frosh dash men.
Speaking of mysteries, CHRISTY
TURNER hasn't solved one all week.
Is JOE PALFREYMAN as muscle-
bound (between the ears) as they say
Who's wife did I see you with last
COIL'S constant, darling grin.
The midnight "ride" of JACK AUSTIN.
This guy "JIMMY" at the better soror-
What MARGE DEGEN'S face really
looks like with her mouth closed.
The meaning of "imph" to a certain
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen
HORSEY RANDALL and her riding
Exams . . . just before and after holi-
JOE ANTONELLO and his terrible
Trumping your partner's ace.
SHIRLEY ANN BROWN and her coy
House rules . . .if any.
IDA LEE CANNON and her terrible
LOGAN LAWRENCE'S calling every-
Wisecracking and punning.
ROY MASON'S hideous laugh.
The Missouri Showme.
ROSEMARY LUCAS' devotion to
JACK BRIDGEMAN'S opinon of Jack
Charging 10c for a coke.
The way JOHN SLAGLE dresses.
The wrong pronunciation of "either."
RHYNSBURGER'S temperament at
ESMERALDA MAYES' perfect wink.
This special permission copyright owners
BERTON ROUCHE'S head of long
The picture shows we have had recently.
The way JANE LINDSAY walks.
The Pershing Rifles gaudy uniform.
VIRGINIA PENTECOST'S aversion
for going bare legged.
HAROLD KOPEL'S Von Stroheim
This second-hand book racket.
BILL BRUN'S green shirt.
GAIL ALLEE'S ear-rings.
These graduate students and their brief
CLAIRE STONG'S lisp.
Starched collars and cuffs.
HARRY BELDEN'S nonchalant pose.
CY CHERNIS' dumbness.
DICK CHAMIER'S mustache.
Wednesday afternoon parades.
JACK FLEISCHAKER'S unusually
ADOLPH ROVIN'S M.D. manner.
The service we get at the University
EDITH STUART'S ford.
The ag hog-call.
EDGAR DIMOND'S haircuts.
PAUL PHILLIPS' sleepy appearance.
This stuff we get for $2 a pint.
CLARK NICHOL'S attempt to crash
BOB LOGAN'S ears.
Automatic rifle instruction.
FRITZ HOLTZSCHUE'S hairy chest.
No, for an answer.
BEN FREEMAN on a horse.
Sleeping through an exam.
CASTARPHEN'S scrappiness when
Kemper kaydets strutting around Col-
umbia on Saturday.
"ZIPPER" D'ARTENI'S keen sense of
"JESUS" DEAL with his honroary de-
grees and titles.
MARIE MATASSARIN scampering
around in scanties on the 3rd floor of
The "Liberty" sales system.
ED DIMOND and HILSABECK can-
Crooked stocking seams.
BILL O'GORMAN'S temperamental
TOM WILLIAM'S tenor rendition of
"Paradise." And wasn't that a swell
remark that the drunk on the train
made concerning it.
Lights that go on and off at 12:14.
Baron Munchhausen's pinch-hitter over
at the K. C. house, GUHMAN.
The things that the laundry does to
your best shirts.
DON CULLIMORE'S easily provoked
recitations of "Congo."
Substantial female extremities.
Those red curtains in the southeast
corner of Read Hall.
"CASEY" WEISBAUM'S suppressed
preference for blondes, even though
he isn't a gentleman.
GENE MENDELSOHN'S faculty for
forgetting and twisting up names.
Those mustaches that bloom in the
The severity of MARGARET
Those hello's from strange girls just
as they come apace of your ear.
URSULA GENUNG'S riding habit,
'specially that derby.
A hot date and no car.
The quiz that Prof. Wharton of the
Engine school gave on the Thurs-
day of St. Pat's week.
Those circles under the pretty dark
eyes of ANOJENE O'DONNELL.
The paint jobs on certain co-eds.
The confused recitations of a certain
chap named TAYLOR.
The yen of some people for getting in
DON JUBY'S blissful daze.
4 o'clocks (A. M. or P. M.)
KATE LEWIS saying, "Who, me?"
Walking across the Ag lawn at mid-
JOHN MILL'S bug collection and
his zeal for displaying them.
Walking alone around the stadium
after 10:30 P. M.
That mysterious black slouch hat of
"Back home, I was a big shot."
LYLE JEFFREY wearing that big
Aggie hat 'cause once upon a time
he worked in the Farmers' Fair.
Those alarm clock bells on Monday
"BUNNY" LAPIN'S flat footed gait.
EDITH WEINBACH'S mouselike
Mary was a co-ed wise-
Cutest figure, darling eyes!
Mary's grades were "E" and "S",
Hard to believe I must confess.
Mary's teacher thought so, too,
Her hair so gold, and eyes so blue,
Her cheeks so pink and lips so red,
Could only mask an empty head.
The Prof asked Mary if she cribbed,
When she said, "No," he thought she
When into her seat fair Mary slid
On quiz day, Prof. watched she did.
He saw her little soft hand steal,
And 'neath the arm-chair gently feel.
He thought a pony long concealed
To his dim eyes would be revealed.
The hand withdraws, the Prof. grows
For t'was where Mary parked her gum.
Too many cooks spoil the soup; too
many hops spoil the beer.
Page Fourteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
WHAT THE FRATERNITIES HAVE
(Continued from Page Eleven)
DELTA THETA PHI-Just because we aren't as
good as Phi Delta Phi don't think that we aren't plenty
OK. Just look at the boys we've got. Yes, just look at
them. Read all about us in the papers from here on out.
If you are none too bright you'll feel right at home with us.
DELTA UPSILON-We are the true aristocrats of
the Universe. You know of us-the overgrown DeMolays.
Our house still has plenty of room for really good men (al-
ways has had, too) so come one, come all. We aren't as
particular as we might be since the depression hit us. We've
got a big shot on the Savitar. Best looking house on the
campus and we don't charge so very much when you consider
that there are sorority houses on both sides. Right across
the street from the golf course, too, and we need some good
golfers for the intramural this spring. You can work
for your room and board if you wish. We are such a nice
bunch of boys. You'll just love us.
FARM HOUSE-We are rural from the start. Ted
BARBEE will show any and all visitors around our place.
You'll feel right at home with the milking machines in our
living room. Country boys, this is your best chance. You
won't get homesick with the bunch of yokels that we have
cornered out here. We'll fix you up with all of the pipe
courses in the Ag school and with the pull that we have in
our house we can get you good grades, too. You will be
right in your element here with us.
KAPPA ALPHA-Southern variety and we are so
well known for our southern atmosphere. And have we ever
got a slick bunch of boys? And so many nice looking cars,
too. Some of our better known boys are ART CHRIST-
MAN, "SQUIRREL" SHY, GEORGE PHELPS, and BOB
LOGAN. Then, too, there is Wotta Man ESCHEN who is
a shot in Journalism. We are the sporting element of the
State U with our little gaming tables. Monte Carlo has
nothing on us excepting the surroundings and the foreign
waiters. And do you know what our motto is? Well, then
judge for yourself. "We're so good in the South."
* * *
KAPPA SIGMA-The LAWRENCE boys will all
soon be out of school and then we won't be so handicapped if
Bob will either flunk out or drop dead. We have a swell
new house on Stewart Road and we need someone to help us
pay for it. We aren't particular as you can see from the
members that we now have. We are boys of all types and
we are so near to the graveyard, which is a swell place for
whatever you wish. We were founded at the I. C. S. in the
year of 1689. B. W. DUNN will sing you to sleep if you
suffer from insomnia. Don't fall off the bridge when you
come home lit, we are trying to cure the boys of the habit
(falling off the bridge).
* * *
LAMBDA CHI ALPHA-We are such scholars, and
Doc knows most anything that any stude would like to know.
Ask him about getting on the ball in Canada, and it wasn't
a convention either. We are going to build a new house in
the next 75 years if we can pull in enough new boys to pay
for the first installment. We were established and incor-
porated in a gay '90 saloon under the influence of nicotine
(the nasty stuff). Our hopes aren't much so you can't
expect too much, never the less we are high on the campus.
GRANT ANDERSON, BILL WHITSETT, and several
other good boys have made the big mistake. Why not you,
PHI DELTA PHI-We always turn out the best law-
yers. You can do anything in our house and get away with
it except pull a fast one on CHARLEY FARRINGTON. We
brew our own in the basement and is it ever potent? We are
crazy and any can join us and feel at home. The cops are
on our side of the bottle and we will get you out of any
thing that you get into with them. We have no competition
in our own field. We have none but the best lawyers and in
politics we will fleece anyone we can. Come and join our
ward heeling squad. With an eye to the future, look over
Phi Delta Phi.
* * *
PHI DELTA THETA-We used to be known for our
farewell parties 'til the Dean happened in on one. Now we
are known for our basement stag parties. BILL NEETE
and BUD OWEN are our only draw backs. We have a
fine national organization and you couldn't do better. We're
so metropolitan, too. We live just across the street from
the Betas so you know we must be good. We leave our
lights low so you can bring your dates around any time.
FLEEMAN will take any prospective men for a ride in the
One Horse Shay. Look us over and we know that you'll
so something else.
* * *
PHI GAMMA DELTA-"Just a Gigolo" is our na-
tional song. We are to be seen anytime at the jelly points. If
you like to play fish come and join the Phi Gee's 'cause we are
so well known that the girls play us for fish for the publicity
they get out of it. Our annex is down on Hitt Street and it
is so nice. We can get you dates any where. Some of our
drawbacks are CLAY, ROY, BRYAN, and CHUCK
BROWN. And they are really something to live up to.
Florence will be just like a Mother to you if you don't get
her mad, or step on her toes while dancing. But then when
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Fifteen
you consider the latter she ought to be mad at you if you're
that clumsy. Everyone says we give the best parties-on the
campus. And Wednesday night dinners with dates are really
a time for all. Just drop in some time, and be sure and
bring your dancing slippers.
* * *
PHI KAPPA PSI-We are so intellectual that anyone
with the brains of a gnat can see why we rate so well on any
campus. FRANNY, BOB SCOTT, GIBSON, ED
WRIGHT, and MRS. ELLIS are our best points. We
won't mention our bad ones because it would take forever.
We were founded in a 'phone booth in the Grand Central
station during an Elks convention in 1852, and like the plague
we have spread all over the country. We are POWER. Why
those two Elks had to get so tight is a mystery to us, too,
so please don't call up asking silly questions because we won't
answer any. "E Pluribus Unum," our motto, means "Thank
God there are no more of Us."
PI KAPPA ALPHA-Three drunken spinsters were
our founders. And even we were a disappointment to them.
If you've heard this one stop me. "It seems as how three
traveling salesmen were passing through the village of Novo-
grod, ." And that, ladies and gents, is
the tale of Pi K. A. Our favorite past time is to see how
many heads we can get shaved during the scholastic year.
FRITZ HOLTSCHU is our lover, and JOHN LOVE is our
best man. We have so much power in the Engine school.
If you want to be a shot over there just join our club and
you are sure to win.
SIGMA ALPHA EPSILON-With our country club
atmosphere and Rudy Vallee and ROUCHE as members
you can't go wrong with us. We live in the big made over
shack on the hill. Our pastimes are many and varied. If
you can get in with the right crowd you can use the base-
ment room. Join our army and wear a violet in your coat
lapel. We used to be known as the "swig alphs" but we
are keeping quiet and hoping that this will die down. Have
you seen all of the nice cars we have, and the brothers will
loan them to you most any time. We date anywhere, and
that is something. If you don't think so try it yourself.
Think of the prestige you'll have if you sign with us. We
have the best bunch of older boys on the campus; ENGLE-
MAN, SCHWEITZER, LOVEJOY, and LUCK. Everyone
in our house thinks that we are good, ask us if you doubt
it. We were founded in a freight elevator about the
time of the Chicago fire and so far it is doubtful who was
guilty of such an atrocity, but we will make up some founders
if you must have them. High water pants are our main fail-
* * *
SIGMA ALPHA MU-We are the best in our field
and have no competition at all. We have plenty of activity
men in our house and so can you be an activity man. Our
spacious house is just across from the tower, just ask any-
one. We have a mortgage on the Zebe house, too. BEN
FREEMAN is our power house and don't think that he isn't
power, too. Just come and see for yourself. You'll like us
from the minute you see us. We aren't sure just where the
hell we began but then you wouldn't ask us embarassing
things like that would you?
* * *
SIGMA CHI-Apply for date cards early, because we
look you over before we'll let you on the grounds. If we
don't like you we'll recommend you to Phi Delta Theta, the
local down the street. Our house is the finest on the cam-
pus and we think that we're pretty good. Don't be surprised
if we don't give you any house. We were founded in a
whisky case in Scotland about 1600, and were granted our
charter by Haig and Haig. We have everything, athletes,
scholars, nice boys, and activity men (please don't ask what
their activities are!) Don't believe those stories about us
dating only the Pi Phis because now and then we do sneak
* * *
SIGMA NU-We were founded somewhere behind
the stables on an early Sunday morn. Some of the boys just
stayed out there, but most of these have gone now and so
other people can have a chance for the polo team. POL-
LITT, LYNN SCOTT, REAVES, and BILL ROUND are
among our best. KIRK JEFFREY grades Preventive Med.
but please don't hold that against us because he inherited
the job. You've surely heard of our crew races with our
low-life friends next door. We can really fix you up in
Journalism school for anything from presidency to the chorus.
We forgot to mention that our origin was in a snake's nest,
thus the button we wear.
* * *
SIGMA PHI EPSILON-Our biggest draw back is
some brother by the name of MORRIS (we think that is his
name). Some of our better known boys are SPINDLE
FRUIT, "South Side" TOWNSDIN, JIM JOHNSON, and
the other gigolos. We were formed in the bottom of a soap
dish in the Union Station of K. C., and soap was Lifebouy.
So you know what to expect from that. Jim will get you
dates with his chapter, Kappa. Bring your dates out to the
house, its just a short jump over the fence to the golf course.
* * *
PSI CHI-We used to be known in our better days
as the Triangle boys. We used to be power in the engine
school. We are still power somewhere thanks to WALLY
LARUE. We are the best on the campus. We orginiated
from the irregular division of a freak amoeboid cell during
the Pliocene age. We sing "Down by the Railroad Trax"
(apologies to Frank Crumit) after supper every evening
when the weather permits. We aren't particularly outstanding
(Continued on page Sixteen)
She: Your whiskers are as tough as Bill's.
He: Yeah, that's what Mary says.
Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME
but we just plug alongand get there (nowhere) fast. Drop
in and look us over. We need new blood and some more
boys to fill our new house on Stewart Road.
* * *
ZETA BETA TAU-We are the best in our field and
have no competition at all. We have a mortgage on the
S. A. M. house so you can see that we are well fixed. METZ-
GER and FLEISCHAKER are our big shots. We will treat
you so nice that you'll be suspicious, but then we need dough
for that new house that we've been planning to build for the
past 63 years. We sprang up from the heat and spontane-
ous combustion of a July sun upon a decaying ham hock, and
St. Pat is our founder. Come and abide with us in the peace
and tranquility of ocr intellectual atmosphere.
* * *
PHI SIGMA DELTA-We run a haven for a bunch
of nice Eastern boys, especially those from Noo Yawk and
Noo Joisey. Say 'goil' and 'doity' without being uncomfort-
able. Come over, but don't let RIGROD'S would-be south-
ern accent, or SAFIER'S funny way of mumbling love songs
scare you away. Exclusive inside stories on all the news
and a course in "How I Would Run the United Press" from
GENE RICH, who lives half the time in the Journalism build-
ing and spends the other half at the house wondering whether
its still in its usual place.
PHI KAPPA-We can provide an excellent bodyguard
for settling your grudges. ROSS is heavyweight master of
fisticuffs around the school. Our biggest drawback is con-
juring with such names as ANTONELLO, BALSAMO, Mc-
CLOSKEY, WEINKEIN, ZAVADO, and ROPPOLO when
you want to find out who in the h-1 borrowed your best
tie and girl.
* * *
SIGMA PHI SIGMA-We're Big Business. Didn't we
merger with an entire local last month. Come over and soak
up some of the home (brew) atmosphere. "TAP IT
LIGHTLY" COSMOS will be glad to help you pick your
way among the inebriates. Ooh, yeah, we let things slide
(we got two trombone players in the house).
Rocks '11 buy baby
For bachelor den,
If the boy blows
His coin on the wren.
But when the boy's broke,
And all his stocks fall,
Away will go baby,
Love-nest, and all.
Despite the depression, girls without principle
still draw interest.
The Boy: "You're one in a million, kid."
The Maid: "So are your chances."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
City Boarder: "Milking the cow?"
Hiram: "Naw, just feelin' her pulse."
Doctor: "There goes a chap who seldom listens
Nurse: "Who is he?"
Doctor: "An interne in the insane asylum."
Irate Wife: "Very well, now I have a Frigidaire
-see what you can do about a mechancal stenogra-
The Editor's life is a hard one-
He works long and without stint.
He prints the jokes that you don't want.
You want what the faculty won't let him print.
Prof: "I'm letting you out ten minutes early to-
day. Please go out quietly so as not to wake the other
He: "How was the show?"
It: "Boy, it would make a pre-medic blush!"
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Seventeen
YE YMPUDENFE OF SPRYNTYME
One Comprehenfyfe & Cauftyc Crytyfyfm of Ye Upper Lyfe
of Columbye, Together wyth Dyfcuffyonf onne Ye Sayme,
Yntended for Edyfyynge N Enlyghtenynge Ye General Pub-
(Ye Smythe-Corona Presse)
Indubitably, Spring has came. The whole world, at
least the northern half of it, is renascent. From Greenland's
icy mountains to India's coral strand Dame Nature is putting
on her Sunday clothes in the youthful exuberance of "Le
And right here let me say that she is doing it in no small
way. Sap runs. Yearling heifers are sheding their winter
coats of fur. Stephens and Christian girls venture townward
sans stockings. Plus-fours forgotten since last fall are being
exhumed and sent to the cleaners. The male public even cir-
culates without ties, breathing easily for the first time since
last summer. All life throbs and blossoms to a show of bril-
liance in this the most wonderful of all seasons.
Ah, 'tis but the voice of renewed life-nature's sweet
presence again invoked by an empty stomach, as it were.
And in the midst of it all, the philosopher sits and medi-
tates. He beholds the array of finery and showmanship, and
Lo!-the cynic in him reduces it all to matters of supply and
demand, cause and effect, with a few concomitant variations
and residues thrown in for good measure.
The impractical dreamer may well interpret Spring as
something entirely beautiful and lovely, but there are aspects
which exhibit to the thinking man nothing that is so darned
beautiful or idealistic. The philosopher, fortunately, sees the
seamy side along with the glory, and thereby does his bit
toward holding the race down to brass tacks at a time when
it would fain become maudlin.
It is in this precise vein of thought that I have arrived
at a very definite conclusion, as the result of some of my
researches-namely, that some of these vernal manifestations
are not all they should be, judging from a standpoint of every-
day good manners. For instance, will anyone tell me how
these damnable woodpeckers get this way, waking one up
every morning at five o'clock, a full three hours before one
ordinarily gets out of bed to make an eight o'clock class?
The point is, taken either from a sociological or ethical
standpoint, does the average woodpecker have aught but evil
in his heart when he takes the trouble to get up before
everyone else and start hammering on some resonant tree?
One might forgive him, were it not that he is never content
with a normal tree, but must seek out the one that will pro-
duce the most noise. Moreover, he betrays a baseness of dis-
position by invariably stationing himself as closely as pos-
sible to someone's window.
My contention is that there can be nothing of charm or
charity in such a personality. To add insult to injury, he
allows the fiend in him to have full sway, and stops hammer-
ing just long enough to put a fellow off his guard. You
think he has quit for good, and make up your mind that
here is where you get some sleep after all, and you drowse
comfortably off, only to be yanked from soul-satisfying slum-
ber as that hellish drill resumes operations.
If fired upon, this brazen counterpart of a boiler-factory
affects a maddening nonchalance, knowing as he does from
long experience that he is virtually safe from the orthodox
small calibre rifle customarily invoked by the outraged citi-
And What Did You Say Your Name Was?
zen. This is where the human race falls down tremenduously,
for it is my own experience that nothing short of an elephant,
gun loaded with scatter shot is enough to dissipate the com-
mon run of woodpeckers.
I wish here to reiterate my conviction that the wood-
pecker conducts his affairs in this noxious manner purely from
a species of perverse meanness. For, when one considers all
the nice wooded territory in Boone County, admirably suited
even to the most exacting connoissur of hollow trees, it is at
once apparent that no well intentioned bird would locate in
Columbia-great educational center though it is-without some
base ulerior motive. Just why one of God's creatures should
thus bear a grudge against the human race is really more
than I can figure out, unless given a great deal more time
for further research.
The facts as I see them are these: No one is going to
begrudge our little feathered friends house room here in Co-
lumbia; indeed, most of us encourage their coming here, the
dear little things. (They ARE cute, aren't they?) But when
a snippy and smart-aleck wood-pecker deliberately goes out
of his way to make life miserable for someone else (whom
he probably hasn't met socially, at that) why then I say that
there ought to be a law, or something.
And now I want to thank this dear, dear editor man on
the SHOWME for his sympathy and co-operation in my
campaign to make this a cleaner, nicer world to live in. So
goodbye, boys and girls. (Yeah, you mugs, S'long.)
Leave on the run;
My wifey is coming
And packing a gun.
Wifey left me.
Now we can marry;
How happy we'll be!
She's nothing to me, dear;
You don't understand.
Leave on the run;
My wifey is coming
And packing a gun.
-J. H. R.
Who keeps me guessing,
Who's got my heart
And peace of mind?
Who wears my pin
And spends my dough,
And haunts me every-
Where I go?
Who cheers me up,
Who makes me blue?
There's just one answer
-H. D. L.
(Continued from page Nine)
back why she didn't have a date
that particular night. Three birds
to you, GAIL . . . Looks like the
GOLDEN EGG is opening up
again, and the THETAS still go
there, but then, they always were
represented in the old days. ..
Isn't BETTY HERD'S line a bit
moth eaten? Hope she'll get a new
one for spring. . . How does ED
WILKY like the home town girl,
who emotionally demonstrated
HOW DID MARIE ANDER-
SON, of the Gamma Phi
house, burn her foot over the Ea-
ster holidays? Ask her what hotel
it happened in. . . Funny how re-
cently a lot of the SHOWME
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
reader's have stopped sendiing
copies home, isn't it ? . .. We heard
that TOPPING from the SIG EP
house has plenty to learn and very
soon too. He wasn't so smart when
he pulled that one. . . And while
on the Sig Ep's. which name does
JIMMY JOHNSON prefer,
"KAPPA," or "MUSHMOUTH?'
. . Bud POLLITT can't seem to
live down the name or title the
Theta Sigs gave him-"THE PEE-
PLE'S CHERCE." . . . "Senor
Z" please write again, we want to
hear from you. . . HAVE YOU
HEARD about the big outdoor's
horse show CAPT. BEIDERLIN-
DEN is planning? Sounds good to
us. . . Horse shows and political
campaigns are similar in some re-
spects, though we favor the horse
show. .. Why not have the cam-
paign headquarters at the stables,
too? .... We may be wrong, but
we have good reason to believe that
FENSTERMAKER'S head is
getting ready to wear one of the
SAVITAR'S CROWNS as we
have learned from reliable sources,
(at least we think so) that she is
one of the queens. Congrats, Fen-
stermaker. The new Gandhi's are
rather popular, aren't they; what
will the designers select next? ...
Thanks for the phone call, Mary,
sorry I couldn't join you. Well,
so long-until next month, I re-
main, -The Observant Mule
"Retire? You won't ever retire. It gets in your blood!"
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nineteen
DONT'S FOR SPRINGTIME
Soft nights and balmy air,
Oft make us lose our care,
As to what we do or say,
When we go out to play.
These rules of the games,
Apply to man and dame;
Now learn them word for word,
So you won't get the bird.
First, master all your desires,
And quench all hidden fires;
You needn't be a saint,
But just don't do what ain't.
And girls, no blanket parties,
With any dizzy smarties;
For they are often crude,
And sometimes even rude.
Small nooks are nice, they say,
In the broadlight of day;
But at night when its dark,
It's not much of a lark.
Couples should not wander
Around about to ponder,
Questions heavy and grave
For fear of a bad knave.
And those who lose their pins,
Add only to their sins;
'Though those who are pinned
Have not always sinned.
Sunbaths are a good sport,
But don't ned up in court,
For lack of technique
In sunning your physique.
If you should be urged
To have the good submerged,
Take refuge in a cold shower
And not in a secluded bower.
Don't do like the young man
Who tried to get a moon-tan,
By reclinging upon the sod
In dear old Francis Quad.
If these rules you should heed,
Then there is not a need,
To worry about the boot
If your "oats" should take root.
BUT IF YOU DON'T, THEN-
Observant Mule or O P
Will deal with your histories;
And then your acts will be,
No longer sweet mysteries.
HOWDY, MISS SPRING
Howdy Miss Spring. Where you been so
Why you been doin' us a downright
Keepin' us in worry and suspense,
'Till we almost lose our good hoss-
The flow'rs wait to start a-bloomin,
And birds itch to go a-zoomin!
Come now, give us your golden smile;
Honey I sho' do like your style.
When it gets to be torture to think,
And all of life's sweets turn to bitters,
You seek consolation in drink-
The freshman in the country roams
Composing many senseless pomes,
For spring is here.
The sophomore in his classes sighs,
Remembering Mary's true blue eyes,
For spring is here.
The junior whistles up a tune-
But watch him underneath the moon,
For spring is here.
The senior does his books despise,
Likewise a regiment of "I"s,
For spring, happy spring is here.
"How doth the busy little bee
Improve the shining hour?" It's funny,
His aim and mine are quite alike;
He's out today to get his honey.
"He Who Gets Slapped" is an old
story of a clown in love with a bare
"He Who Gets Slapped" is a modern
version of clowing with somebody's
"My Pal," muttered the acrobat, ex-
tending a hand toward his staunchest
"Ain't there no justice," demanded
the elopers of a policeman in the wee
hours of the morn.
"No," replied the officer in a nasal
twang, "but I can see about you get-
ting squire treatment."
Inscribed upon one of the walls in
the Acacia lodge is:
Once a Mason, always a Mason,
But once a Knight,-plenty!
A street cleaner's conception of par-
adise: A job as janitor on a merry-go-
When the India rubber man goes out
with the fire eater there is bound to be
a big stink.
IT'S BEEN SUCH FUN HALVING YOU
Page Twenty THE MISSOURI SHOWME
For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers
Miller Riding Equipment
Silence. Seven-seventh Street slept. Suddenly
some one stepped slowly streetward. Sadie Schmaltz
slipped softly south.
Something stirred slowly, surely. Sadie stopped,
surprised, saw Sam Sampson staring satanically. Sar-
torially smooth Samuel surged Sadie-ward. She sur-
Said Sam, surely, "Some secluded spot, some-
Sadie submitted slowly. Sam, Sadie, stepped, soon
Spoke Samuel, "Some swell scenery."
"Sure," simpered Sadie.
Sam stretched, slumped slowly Sadie-ward,
squeezed Sadie. Sadie screamed, slapped Sam, stood.
Steven Smith, strolling, saw Sadie slap Sam.
Steve stepped swiftly, stopped, stood steadily, shook
Sam severely. Sam sneered, sullenly, swung. Steven
stepping sidewise suddenly socked Sam squarely. Sam
slumped sickly, sank slowly, signified surrender.
"Stand!" shouted Steve. Sam slowly stood
"Scram!" said steve sharply. Sam stepped swift-
Steve stepped Sadie-ward, softly spoke. Sadie
smiled. Steve, Sadie strolled.
Suddenly Steve spoke, "Some secluded spot some-
"Sure!" said Sadie Schmaltz.
Suitors should go to Miss.
Singers should go to La.
Miners should go to Ore.
Andy Gump fans should go to Minn.
Laundresses should go to Wash.
Sighers should go to O.
Prayers should go to Mass.
Doctors should go to Md.
Writers should go to Penn.
Flunkers should go to Conn.
Babies should go to Ga.
Invalids should go to Ill.
Farmers should go to Mo.
Suckers should go to Tex.
Counters should go to Tenn.
Republicans should go to Cal.
Debtors should come to ME.!!!!
Some say its spring when the sap begins to rise,
and some say its spring when the saps begin to fall.
THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one
OR A PHI GAM
Feminine Voice (from the upper berth) : "Por-
ter, is that my coat down there in the aisle?"
Porter: "No ma'am, that's just an A. T. O. com-
ing back from a convention."
He (his hands over her eyes) : "If you can't guess
who this is in three guesses, I'm going to kiss you."
She: "Jack Frost, Davy Jones, Santa Claus."
Gangster: Say goodbye to the lady, son.
Son: Scram, Moll, scram.
The reason some people don't appreciate our hu-
mor is that they're either looking for something fun-
ny or something dirty.
"Are you a Statue of Liberty girl?"
"Sir, what do you mean?"
"Lit up all night and stands for everything."
-M. I. T. Voo Doo.
"There's a personal letter for you at the house."
"What did it say?"
A new cough medicine is now on the market-it
is called Laxalax-and the slogan is "six tablets and
you don't dare cough."
Is losing sleep,
Running around to dances.
Let her alone,
And she'll come home
A victim of circumstances.
Dawson: "I understand blondes are hard to
Blonde Blizzard: "No, a little peroxide does it."
Dawson: "Thanks for the tip, I wasted a whole
quart of gin on one last night."
"Where are you going, daughter?"
"Downstairs to get some water."
"In your nightgown?"
"No, in this pitcher."
-West Point Pointer.
" Tell me, Mr. Coolidge, do you ever feel blah?"
Do you ever feel
There's a sure cure for that sort of thing,
and it doesn't come in bottles. It takes
away that tired feeling, cures petrified
pores - and doesn't make you feel like
yourself again. It's a famous old formula,
containing just the right amounts of dou-
ble-chocolate humor and pungent fiction,
topped with a delectable dab of Rolf
Armstrong beauty. Makes you laugh
and cry! Don't suffer in silence. Ask
your druggist for
Page Twenty-two THE MISSOURI SHOWME
"Sire, there is a lady without."
"Without a last line for this joke."
She: "Oh, Henry, there's a bug down my back."
He: "Aw, cut it out. Those jokes were all right
before we were married."
"Come take liberties with me," said the coed, as
she robbed the magazine stand."
TEDDYSUD WITH A BAD SPRIG CODE
With Apologies to Teddysud
Id the Sprig a fuller cribsud cubs upod the robbid's
Id the sprig the widtub lawwig get hibself adother
Id the Sprig a livelier iris chages odd the burdished
Id the Sprig a youg bad's fadcy lightly turds to
thoughts ub lub.
I just read in the paper that students who don't
smoke make higher grades than those who do. This
is something for you to think about. Father.
I have thought about it. But truthfully I would
rather make an S and have the enjoyment of smok-
ing; in fact I would rather smoke and drink and make
an M. Furthermore, I would rather smoke and drink
and neck and make an I.
I'll break your neck if you flunk in anything.
-Kansas Sour Owl.
THE MISSOURI STORE CO.
The circus owner was being sued for divorce
by his wife. Unable to pay the alimony which the
court demanded he had to give over his amusement
park. That would be fair grounds for divorce, eh,
The red-painted fire truck bore down upon the
hopeless victim. The driver, his face one big sneer-
ing smile, swerved neither to left nor to right. Then
the collision. A loud explosion. Then a loud voice
bellowed, "C'mon, you clowns, let's try that fire
truck gag over again.
There was confusion around her-but she
seemed quite at ease, tranquil-then, as though no
one was watching her she reached for a rubbery ob-
ject-it looked about just the right size to fit com-
fortably in her mouth-she clamped her gleaming
teeth down over it--set those powerful looking jaw
muscles and stood ready-suddenly a gleaming cord
like thread separated her for her support-her jaws
looked strained-but she only gripped tighter with
those gleaming teeth-the crowd was awed-they
were troubled-how would she get back ?-But her
big brown eyes only glistened brighter as she looked
at the crowd. Then, slowly she worked her way
back-over that cord-like stretch, her jaws looked
tired-but she was slowly working her way back-
those wires all about her looked threatening. Ah,
but there she was-safe-the audience looked their
applause, but suddenly a buzzer sounded. She be-
came confused and then spoke-"What number
please?"-and then-went on chewin' and stringin'
that darned gum.
"I've covered a lot of ground in my time," said
the big Indian elephant to the little African elephant
hitched alongside of him.
DR. G. E. WARD, JR.
The Missouri Showme Page Twenty-Three
J.C. Penny Co. Inc.