Missouri Showme April, 1932 Missouri Showme April, 1932 2008 1932/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193204

Missouri Showme April, 1932; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1932

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Missouri Showme Spring Mystery Number... 10 cents And Now He Knows How The Girls Feel Chesterfield Cigarettes THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Three SHOWME BUYER'S GUIDE Page Camel Cigarettes ...... Chesterfield Cigarettes .... Chevrolet ...... College Cleaners ... College Humor ... Columbia Missourian Gaebler's Black and Gold Inn .... Life Saver .... Miller Riding Equipment .... Missouri Store .. J. C. Penney Co ....... Postal Telegraph Co ....... Time Service .. Dr. G. E. Ward, Jr ... MISSOURI SHOWME Missouri Showme is published monthly, except during July and August, by the Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, pro- fessional journalism fraternity, as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year;15c the single copy. VOL. III APRIL 4, 1932 NO. 8 Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi THE CONTENTS OF THIS MAGAZINE ARE NOT TO BE REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION. Address all com- munications to: MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Office of publication: Herald-Statesman Publishing Co., 107 So. Ninth Street, The Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Editorial and Business Office: 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Application for entry as second class mail matter is pending. The Columbia Missourian "Our Time Is Your Time" DIAL 4163 for Correct Time 7 a. m. to 9 p. m. COLLEGE CLEANERS Page Four THE MISSOURI SHOWME GAEBLER'S BLACK and GOLD INN POSTAL TELEGRAPH MADE ITS TOPMOST BOUGH After two hours' strenuous chopping, the wood- cutter finally felled the tree. The tree lay on the ground and pined for a little while. Then it said: "Woodcutter, you sure have got me stumped!" -Sun Dial. Cannibal Cook: "Shall I boil the Missionary, sir?" Cannibal Chief: "No, you fool, that's a Friar." -Whirlwind. At a dance-Reach for your Sweetie, if she's there you're Lucky. -Punch Bowl. Hello, is this Scotland Yard ?" "Yes." "May my children come over and play? I hate to have them playing in the alley." -Pitt Panther. WEEK-END Sunday.-Pent-house. Monday.-Repent-house. -Red Cat. SHORT STORY Amo. Bravo. Salvo. Let go. Reno. -Red Cat. Prof: "Do you think Henry Ford would make a good president?" Clever Student: "Verily, he has the makings of another Lincoln." -Bean Pot. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Five NEW CHEVROLET SIX Page Six WHO'S WHO AT MIZZOU Can you recognize them? If your best friend won't tell you, you can find out in the next SHOWME! 1. He dances like an angel, a sylph, or simply divinely-depending on whom he has given the rush. He's really quite good at it-giving the rush we mean- and he seems to have no ulterior mo- tives since he's not a politician. He holds the gavel for the group that boasts presidential material and flits blithely around the journalism school- sometimes on assignments and some- times just waiting for Ida Lee Cannon. 2. She's a blonde, bobbed-hair young lady from down South, and if it weren't that her repoht cahd showed so much "E" and "S" we uns wouldn't be fah wrong in sayin' that she makes a dahn good jelly. Shes a Cwen, and lives in the big Methodist house on University although she trots out to the English house on Richmond on Monday nights foh chaptah meeting. The boys heah like her "you alls" and it seems that she may be a big shot some day. 3. No, it isn't a contortionist, it's just a college boy that can't keep his legs still. They're not very long, but they can move fast. His line is quite a bit longer than his legs, and he uses it to advantage judging from the number of calf-eyed co-eds that look longingly to- ward the big new house on Stewart Road. THE MISSOURI SHOWME 4. She's getting places in Workshop, and does her bit in keeping the stag line in circulation. She's slenderish, blond- ish, baby-faced and wears a jeweled "what they hold a ship still with." When excited, wrings her hands and becomes quite sincere and imploring, and takes everything seriously, or at any rate she's a pretty good actress who does her type well. 5. You can see him most any day at either Lathrop or Jesse Aud, sleeves roll- ed up and hammer in hand, directing the tossing of scenery around for Work- shop. Nice, dark-haired chap with stu- dious looking glasses. That poet-like type that women want to mother. Goes around the stage mumbling songs and poetry in a style all his own, with all the nonchalance and absentmindedness in the world. Has a funny idea in back back of his head that someday he'll find his ideal. Rates A-1 as a jelly. 6. He's Irish and Journalistic and Athletic in a big way. No, not exactly an Adonis, but his hair is awfully nice if you like red. No, little girl, he isn't trying to bully you-that's just his way and most of them like it. He's a fra- ternity brother of Buddy Rogers and also likes the Irish black-haired colleens with blue eyes and temperament. 7. She's not one of the Greeks nor one of the jellies, but really gets places as far as honor rolls and societies go. Mixes an occasional finger in politics and has many a time saved an election by swinging the big house in which she lives for one group or another. Tall, slender, wears glasses and never seems to move fast although she always gets there ahead of the rest. 8. He hails from the plains of Kan- sas and has almost finished four years of learning to till the soil in the most approved manner. Last year, a fixture on the Gamma Phi front porch from 10:30 to 12:15 P. M., but this year he's a bit more promiscuous. Big shot over at a Burnham street house. Is long-to- be-remembered for a memorable, if somewhat incoherent speech at the Homecoming mass meeting. 9. If you can't find her among the Jesse jellies, she will be sitting in front of the house with the white pillars, (No, not that one, the other one) in the long nosed gray Cord. She's just an innocent little Frosh from a big little town on our west, and it seems she has a sweet tooth for D. U.'s. She may be a beauty queen-if gentlemen still prefer blondes. A Potential Pest Charles A. Lindbergh, the "flying colonel," was said to be maintaining his composure in an effort to comfort his wife, who is an expectant bother. -K. C. Journal-Post. Sprig is cobig! And spring has came-as it were. 1st. Frau: The ole man is a second- story man. 2nd. Spouse: Oh, yeah? 1st. Frau: Yeah, if the first story isn't good enough he tells another. Senior partner of DeOdeurs, Parfu- mers: 'What perfumes shall we use for the spring trade this year?" The other 1-10 percent: "My old re- liables, jasmine and tulip, of course." Senior partner: "There you go, stick- ing your two scents in again." FLU-EY Dope: "I hear Santy Claus has the chimney disease." Second Student: "What's that?" Dope: "The flue, you sap, the flu." My, Alice, how did you get into such a terrible condition. Simple, I took a tramp into the woods. Editors of college comics, some people believe, should be obscene, but-not heard. Girl of yesteryear: "Well, it's spring now; guess I'll get out my summer underwear." Girl of today: "Hell, it's spring now; guess I'll get out of my underwear." THE MISSOURI SHOWME Missouri Showme POLITICS IS WITH US AGAIN And now IS the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. And now is a good time for all men to come to the aid of their party. "The Haunted Fraternity House" or "The Deceased Brother Returns" "And what makes the grass green, grandpa?" lamented little Algernon. Page Seven SPRING DEFINED Spring is that time when we turn from dreaming to action. "Ah! Sweet mystery of life," com- mented the biologist after an intensive study at the microscope. With the new sales tax coming into effect we suggest as an advertising slo- gan for the post office: "You can't lick our stamps." Have you seen these new Gandhis women are wearing? No, mahatma is still sticking to the conventional styles. If small books are called booklets, and small stories are novelettes, would small bulls be called bull-ets? "Watch that right of his," bellowed the manager to the heavyweight. "How can I when he keeps it in my eye?" he snorted. "Come, Come, Sherlock," said the fol- lies girl back stage, "you didn't find any concealed weapons on me the last three times you searched, did you?" Si: 'What's happened to your dog; he seems to be going crazy." Las: "Yeh, we built a picket fence around the yard last week." Missouri Showme "NONSENSE, SENSE AND CONSEQUENCE" VOL III APRIL 4, 1932 NO. 8 O. O. MCINTYRE, Godfather Editor-in-chief, HAROLD (ABIE) ELFENBEIN Business Manager, WARREN O. MCINTYRE Feature Editor, BEN STONE Advertising Manager,ROBERT W. RACE Exchange Editor, MARIAN KISER Circulation Manager, ANDREW YOUNG Art Editor, JOHN HERBERT ROUSH Assistant Circulation Mgr., THEODORE COURSAULT Make-up Editor, HAROLD V. CLARK Office Manager, SIDNEY O. SHAPIRO EDITORIAL STAFF Advertising Assistants: BUSINESS STAFF Maxine Bickley Tom Morris Circulation Assistants: Kathryn Bayne Betty Pumphrey Shirley Ann Brown Dorothy Hoskins Elliott Boren Hertha Luckhardt Clif Jones Lolita Brown Cleve Kerndt Lynn Severance Mildred Brown Dorothea Pickett Jane McLeod Maurice Shadle Business Assistants: Jerry Mills Robert Stennis Jim McPheeters Emma B. Offutt J. D. White Guy Cooper Carolyn Stephenson Dick Slack Jean Stewart Fred Crane Public Relations Julius Levy Charles Gussman Pat Merritt Copyright 1932 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Contents of this publication must not be reprinted without permission. MISSOURI SHOWME is published monthly except during July and August by Sigma Delta Chi as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription price, $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Address all business communications to the Business Manager, MISSOURI SHOWME, 14 So. Ninth Street, Columbia, Missouri. Office hours: 3-5 P. M. daily. Application for entry as second class matter is pending. NOW is the time for all good men to come to the a id of their party ... so goes the cry of the politician . . and it doesn't take a Walter Winchell or a She rlock Holmes to detect these politicians at work on pros- pective votes. For the while our work and worries (if any) are forgotten while our thoughts are turned toward the election. EVEN spring with its enticing offerings is temporarily put aside until the results are announced . . . and af- ter it is all over the winners will rejoice over their victory and the losers weep over their defeat and once again we all revert back to normalcy until the next election . . . and so on. RIGHT with our policy of serving the entire campus with a strictly humorous (yeah, we think it's funny) and a non-political publication, THE MISSOURI SHOWME wishes to announce that it takes no sides in this political seet-ye-ation. THE candidates . .. all of them .. . are worthy of the offices for which they have been nominated . . . our only desire is to see the best ones win . . . to the candidates themselves we wish them all the best luck and to the parties, we hope to rejoice with the victorious and at the same time sigh with the losers. SUCH is the policy of THE MISSOURI SHOWM E .. . it's our version and we stick to it ... As to this number we ask you to solve the mystery angle of it . . . and as for the names under the PERFECT CRIMES and UNSOLVED MYSTERIES "we hope you'll like it." -The Editor. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nine The Showme Show OUR WINCHELLING is being carried on in the outlying dis- tricts now, due to the warm weather. Those who go to those places had better beware! Ask MAX COLLINGS how he got along Sunday night the third. We always thought that Max was a better man than that. .. Didn't MAX BAIRD and BRYAN HOR- NER have quite a wait in front of the B. & P. A. school recently? Wonder why? . .. Is it true CHA- MIER, that you were recently seen sitting on Mrs. Wise' lap? Richard, you rascal you. . . "Hoo Sunker, the freshman terror" seen and heard getting the bird in the Black and Gold recently . . . STANDEVEN has gone high school again and is now rolling her socks. Won't she ever grow up? . . EDDIE PETERS' strange power over the weaker sex seems to consist of tweeking their chins -Neff Hall, f'instance . . . How did GEORGE WAITE get his new nickname "Sloppy Sid"? HAVE YOU NOTICED some of the buttons being scattered so recklessly about some of the smaller houses? Elections are here, which might explain that . . .Where did the Phi Delta Phi's send the raincoat man? And what did he want the date for? Ask any of the boys, they know. .. The D. U.'s recently were quite air-minded. They were looking for a stork hovering over any one of the many Richmond houses. The A. D. Pi's said it loked like a bird of para- dise. That, of course, depends on how one looks at the thing. . . Vina Delmar never described it that way. PRING NIGHTS bring back late dates again. You would think the two Anchor girls would learn more about being poured through kitchen windows . . . and they could do it better, too. That was one window, Fern, or who- ever it is that does those things out there, that was overlooked when nailing them down . . . Nice coming-out party the TRI DELTS gave for URSULA wasn't it? ... Winnie had a time running in and out of the formal. Why don't they take better care of their girls in their earlier days? And the K. A. by the name of POTTS (we hope that is right) seemed to keep well out of sight for quite a while, didn't do so much good though. .. 810 Richmond is quite popular for late dates if the number of phone calls is any indication. LORD BRADLEY, we hear, is woried for fear someone is go- ing to expose him. He is saving the last waltz for the one who spoke first, but you might ask him any- how. Reference, the Kappa front porch one Sunday afternoon. .. Are a Pi Phi and a Kappa really fighting over a K. C. man, or are they just imagining things about the whole affair? OB ARMSTRONG sitting out in back of the DELTA SIG- MA PHI house telling the new boys about when he played foot- ball here many moons gone by. Don't believe everything he says, children... Did the shirtless lawyer ever get by for his date with MAR- THA JUNE STEVENSON? . .. FANNY PARKS, we understand, offered to play "Last night on the Back Porch" for the PHI GAMS. OURNALISM girls who walk down the street smoking. Ter- rible. .. GRANT ANDERSON really doesn't sing tenor, that beret just happened to be red. . . Is "PONY BOY" EICHMAN really weazels? . . . It looks as though HAL FOSTER again this year will elect the big caucus's candi- dates without much effort. . These people who tear down political signs. Consider the source. EN McLAIN (who faints on all her blind dates) is quoted as saying that BERT LOWN of the TERRACE CAFE was alright until he put on his white beret and coon skin coat. Did he wear a mon- acle, Pen? . . . Ask some who went, about what a success the TIMBER TOPPERS picnic was. ARE THE DELTS ever a bit cocky about how they are get- ting along politically? From what we've heard there is no reason for their being so cock-sure. . . Polo team doesn't look a bit bad does it ? Quite a crowd at the last game, too. . . ALLEE explained for a couple of hours one night shortly (Continued on page Eighteen) Page Ten THE MISSOURI SHOWME And What Did I Say My Name Was? Oh how I love the spring, tra la. The bees and each bird that sings, tra la. The green gir- affes and the zebras, too. Just sit in your chair and watch the whole zoo. Why go out and risk catching the flu, when you can sit right at home and see the whole crew? The red ganar- ooooo and the hippopotamus blue. It's no trouble to meet them. Why don't you? But best of all I love the elep hants p ink that al ways c ome aft er the fi fteenth drink -Longhorn-Ranger And then there was a Gamma Fi who looking through the Family Bible, came across a pressed leaf. "Oh, look, mom- ma," she cried, "Here's Eve's dress." YOU BET Collitch Lad (in haberdashery) : "Give me a nice green shirt." Female Clerk: "Neck?" The illiterate: "Sure!" What an Age to Begin Again! Eloping at 95 to wed his housekeeper, an aged Chicago physician, Dr. H. Lindgren, who stated in his license cer- tificate that he had been married be- fore, retired from active practice ten years ago. -K. C. Journal-Post. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fe tch a pail of w a t e r. Ho w lon g do they t hink we ar e goin g to b elieve that story ? -Longhorn-Ranger LOVE LIES BLEEDING You were a goddess viewed from afar; You were soft winds, new moons, a star; I knelt to worship at your shrine And dreamed some day to make you mine. Now it is gone-that beauty, that pain; The love that I bore you long dead has lain. I loved you-all is said with that- . .. Except why did you wear that ungodly hat! Lillian Morris. As the Radio Advertisers Would Like to See Us-or the Efficiency Expert Settles Down For an Evening at the Radio. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Eleven What the Fraternities Have to Offer OR... HOW FRATERNITY ADVERTISEMENTS SHOULD READ ALPHA GAMMA RHO-We are the best on the Ag campus, even though we don't have the largest army. We can help you; no matter what you want to get into we'll get you in. FERGUSON, GEISELMAN, and PROFITT are among our big shots, the latter being a marksman. Join our lodge and learn to shoot, how to rake hay and how to make it in our own quiet little way; come one come all. The quiet of our country house is conducive to thought; come and meditate upon the evils of your misspent lives. Will promise you all jobs during Barnwarming, Farmers Fair week, and during the harvest season. ALPHA GAMMA SIGMA-We have the largest standing army of voters this side of the Rubicon, and the best ward wheeler in the country in HAL FOSTER. Our order is the oldest on the Ag campus and you know of our rating. Just ask anyone on the Ag campus, they'll tell you what a power we are. Come early and be among the chosen few (60) for we are very exclusive you know. Our farm is modernly equipped with the latest of farm machines to make the new boys feel at home and so that the younger ones won't get homesick. Come before the harvest season opens. Just ask for the ENSMINGER boys or HAL FOSTER. ALPHA SIGMA PHI-We are big shots on this cam- pus. If you don't think so just look at the activities we are in. Of course the better houses don't go in for activities but then we have to do something to distinguish ourselves beside having an occasional student president and an annual candi- date for something or other. VERNIE MYERS can get you into the Journalism school and make you a big shot if you'll speak to all the reporters. BOB LOWRY will teach you anything from the adagio to straight chorus work, and how to make love under a street lamp with anyone's queen. Drop around any time. On the west side of Hitt, behind the street lamp and next to the Phi Delta Phi house, those naughty boys next door. ALPHA TAU OMEGA-We're a lovely bunch of boys. Wouldn't you like to join us and call the Dean a brother? And are we ever big shots, haven't we got the student president? Of course the better lodges don't have student presidents, but then they couldn't get one if they wanted to because we are the power on this campus. Haven't we got the student president? We have so many well known boys, too. BUD (Beer Baron) BEYNON for instance. And HOPE CUNNINGHAM, too. You remember Hope don't you? "Where there's life there is Hope; and where there is Hope there is a good goose." Jimmy is also well known some how. Come and sign up, our flower is the pansy, too. Yoo-hoo. BETA THETA PI-"We are the people, people," and "Marching along in Beta Theta Pi" are our best advertise- ments. Of course our well known brethren like TOM BRETT, WILKS, and The COX boys all do their best for old "Wooglin." Come over and see us before you do anything. You never can tell; if we don't shave your head we might pledge you Phi Delt. We are awfully well known throughout the frat. world. Don't forget us when considering. Remember what Aesop (he was a Beta) said, "Once a Beta always a -." Oh, well, we won't go into that because we have to leave something to your own imagina- tions. Grab a badge from the sack sitting by the door when you come in. DELTA SIGMA PHI-If you like beer, the good old fashioned home made variety, drop in and see us. We brew our own in the basement or attic, unless the housemother is away and then we get to use her bath tub. We think that beer busts are good for the order and the brothers will do anything for the good of the order. Just ask them. Some of them will do anything anyhow. Look at who they date. Hello, Allee! And the Kappas aren't any too careful some- times about their shades. We turn our lights off early, but lately we haven't been doing so well. The girls are getting next to us. A. D. Pi. is on the other side, if you can't get late dates with these girls you can't them anywhere. Come around and have CY MILLER call you "bro" and mooch Camels off'n ya. We are the best on the campus. Every- body says so. DELTA TAU DELTA-We used to be known for our many athletes, but lately our squad has dropped off con- siderably so we will take most anyone. And are we ever mixed up? SAM WILSON is gonna be a councilman or else. And the same goes for STUBER too. Come around and sign up and we'll get you all the late dates with the Thetas that anyone could ask for. Nice airy rooms and most of them with western exposure. Meals served three times a day and we are open the year 'round, no matter if school is closed or not. The Delt house is open forever. We are the best on the campus. Look at our intramural record these past few years and ask anyone over at the gym (ladies). (Continued on Page Fourteen) A TENDER AFFAIR Page Twelve THE MISSOURI SHOWME UNSOLVED MYSTERIES How the word "Jelly" originated. What Sigma Nu saw in BILL CLARK. What becomes of the parts when day breaks. Why PULLIAM walks so funny. Why was that the human thing to do. Life. The origin of the "SANDBLOWERS" outfit. Love. What RAMLOW does with his spare time. Who killed Cock Robin. When MALCOM WELLS will wake up. Free Verse. Is IRV FOX as shrewd as his name. Sally's address. How the stadium got its popularity. Why McENNIS hangs around HACK- ETHORN so much. Why Scotchmen are tight. Why FRED CRANE is always smiling. What is the matter with the last drop. If BROOKS LAGREE is nicknamed "Simon." What a whale of a difference a few sense make. If EMORY SHY is really shy. Why they call BOB MAYFIELD "El- mer." If DAVID HENSLY ever had a serious moment. Why TED COOPER looks so dumb. How much did the Light Brigade charge. Why RIGROD always keeps his hands in his pocket. How did the stories about pansies start. What FLOYD carries in his BAS- KETTE. Which came first, the egg or the chicken. What's funny about MARY DOT CAL- HOUN. Why does a fireman wear red suspen- ders. Why MARY JO SHERWOOD came to Stephens. Why isn't there a cough in a carload. Frankenstein. Why JOHN LOVE was worried when he lost his caricature. What became of the yo-yo. Why student graders are always so pop- ular. What happened to the expression: 'Oh- yeh!" Why the Phi Mu's jelly at the north- east corner of Jesse Hall. Who was that woman we saw you with last night. Why do they call BILL GRAHAM "Varsity." Why the Showme runs that cartoon call- ed "What did you say your name was." Why the 'Boilermakers" blast so loud each night and afternoon. Why we have a radio station in this town. Why the DELTA GAMS live on Pro- vidence Road. What GEORGE PINDALL ADAMS thinks about sex. Why they call BOB BERRY "Pawnee Bill." Why HORACE BLACKWELL took college Latin. Is ORVAL BOEKEMEIER French or Portuguese. Does MIMI BUESCHER live in Col- umbia or Midway. What B.V.D. stands for. Who are the girls that RALPH COATSWORTH knows at Stephens. What happens when the blue of the night meets the gold of the day. Why CHAT COWHERD goes to K. C. at least 3 times a week. Why is EMMA BELLE OFFUTT. Who takes care of the caretaker's daugh- ter. Is ANNABEL FAIR. What CHAMP MOULDER thinks about-if any. Why do they call GEORGE HOL- TORF "Lover." How they put holes in Swiss cheese. Is FREDDIE HETZLER still in the army. The Sphinx. Why the A. D. Pi's think 7485 is their silent number. Why DALE STECK is such a sponge. Why they call COSMOS "Tap-it- lightly." Is HARSEY from St. Louis or just from the east. Where does LESTER PETEFISH. Why do they call HANK HOWELL the "hired man." How it ever got around that MARK GARVER wrote for the Saturday Evening Post. Why HUGH POINTS. How long and lean ESTHER WITT survives the brisk campus breezes. Why Jeff City is so popular with the medic students. Which SHANKLIN twin has more S. A. And how does one go about telling the CUMMINGS TWINS apart. Are all co-eds on the make. What lured the ZETA TAU ALPHA'S away from the books last semester? BETA own up. What the home life of Oscar, the cam- pus wag, is like. Why people persist in telling us that the DELTA TAU DELTA flower is a pansy. Did some of these blondes dye for old Mizzou? Which two Columns are farthest apart. And what did you say your name was? CERVANTES billiard ball coiffeur. Why people go walking out to Lover's Leap on Sunday afternoons. What were three THETA'S doing in a local beer garden last week? The attraction of the benches in front of the Engineering Bldg. and the Bi- ology Pond bridge after dark? Why they call RAY DONHAM, varsity heavyweight wrestler and football player, "Pansy," over at the SIGMA PHI SIG lodge? Why a certain ALPHA PHI blushes when you mention "cow." Convocations. Who were the two D. U.'s who had their pictures taken on the porch roof and had to climb to the third floor in full view of the FIMEW'S. What do college boys want with lemon soda and cracked ice? Is that a lot of bull about COWHERD? The identities of thsoe two blithe Lo- thario's "JAN GAY" and "JACK WARNER;" the latter is PHI MU- SICALLY inclined. Do the CHI O'S really serve their neo- phytes up raw? They repulsed the Savitar photographer when he tried to get the bare facts. How is it possible to take an action picture of SID COOLEY, Farmhouse flash, with a box camera, in private life; though he is the fastest of the Frosh dash men. Speaking of mysteries, CHRISTY TURNER hasn't solved one all week. Is JOE PALFREYMAN as muscle- bound (between the ears) as they say he is? Who's wife did I see you with last night? COIL'S constant, darling grin. The midnight "ride" of JACK AUSTIN. Eh, Jack? This guy "JIMMY" at the better soror- ity houses. What MARGE DEGEN'S face really looks like with her mouth closed. The meaning of "imph" to a certain sorority. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Thirteen PERFECT CRIMES 8 O'clocks. HORSEY RANDALL and her riding habit. Exams . . . just before and after holi- days. JOE ANTONELLO and his terrible line. Trumping your partner's ace. SHIRLEY ANN BROWN and her coy expression. House rules . . .if any. IDA LEE CANNON and her terrible laugh. Term papers. LOGAN LAWRENCE'S calling every- one "George." Wisecracking and punning. ROY MASON'S hideous laugh. The Missouri Showme. ROSEMARY LUCAS' devotion to Rosemary Lucas. Radio Programs. JACK BRIDGEMAN'S opinon of Jack Bridgeman. Charging 10c for a coke. The way JOHN SLAGLE dresses. The wrong pronunciation of "either." RHYNSBURGER'S temperament at dress rehearsals. Sig-Alphs hi-pockets. ESMERALDA MAYES' perfect wink. This special permission copyright owners give away. BERTON ROUCHE'S head of long hair. The picture shows we have had recently. The way JANE LINDSAY walks. The Pershing Rifles gaudy uniform. VIRGINIA PENTECOST'S aversion for going bare legged. Afternoon classes. HAROLD KOPEL'S Von Stroheim complex. This second-hand book racket. BILL BRUN'S green shirt. GAIL ALLEE'S ear-rings. These graduate students and their brief cases. CLAIRE STONG'S lisp. Starched collars and cuffs. HARRY BELDEN'S nonchalant pose. Library fines. CY CHERNIS' dumbness. Sociology courses. DICK CHAMIER'S mustache. Wednesday afternoon parades. JACK FLEISCHAKER'S unusually large feet. ADOLPH ROVIN'S M.D. manner. The service we get at the University clinic. EDITH STUART'S ford. The ag hog-call. EDGAR DIMOND'S haircuts. PAUL PHILLIPS' sleepy appearance. This stuff we get for $2 a pint. CLARK NICHOL'S attempt to crash the activities. Rumble seats. BOB LOGAN'S ears. Automatic rifle instruction. FRITZ HOLTZSCHUE'S hairy chest. No, for an answer. BEN FREEMAN on a horse. Sleeping through an exam. CASTARPHEN'S scrappiness when "stinko." Kemper kaydets strutting around Col- umbia on Saturday. "ZIPPER" D'ARTENI'S keen sense of humor. "JESUS" DEAL with his honroary de- grees and titles. MARIE MATASSARIN scampering around in scanties on the 3rd floor of Hendrix Hall. The "Liberty" sales system. ED DIMOND and HILSABECK can- dle survey. Crooked stocking seams. BILL O'GORMAN'S temperamental ways. TOM WILLIAM'S tenor rendition of "Paradise." And wasn't that a swell remark that the drunk on the train made concerning it. Lights that go on and off at 12:14. Baron Munchhausen's pinch-hitter over at the K. C. house, GUHMAN. The things that the laundry does to your best shirts. DON CULLIMORE'S easily provoked recitations of "Congo." Substantial female extremities. Those red curtains in the southeast corner of Read Hall. "CASEY" WEISBAUM'S suppressed preference for blondes, even though he isn't a gentleman. GENE MENDELSOHN'S faculty for forgetting and twisting up names. Those mustaches that bloom in the spring. The severity of MARGARET MAUZE. Those hello's from strange girls just as they come apace of your ear. URSULA GENUNG'S riding habit, 'specially that derby. A hot date and no car. The quiz that Prof. Wharton of the Engine school gave on the Thurs- day of St. Pat's week. Those circles under the pretty dark eyes of ANOJENE O'DONNELL. The paint jobs on certain co-eds. The confused recitations of a certain chap named TAYLOR. The yen of some people for getting in Savitar pictures. DON JUBY'S blissful daze. 4 o'clocks (A. M. or P. M.) KATE LEWIS saying, "Who, me?" Walking across the Ag lawn at mid- night. JOHN MILL'S bug collection and his zeal for displaying them. Walking alone around the stadium after 10:30 P. M. That mysterious black slouch hat of WADE'S. "Back home, I was a big shot." LYLE JEFFREY wearing that big Aggie hat 'cause once upon a time he worked in the Farmers' Fair. Those alarm clock bells on Monday morning. "BUNNY" LAPIN'S flat footed gait. Chattering co-eds. EDITH WEINBACH'S mouselike timidity. MYSTERY UNSOLVED Mary was a co-ed wise- Cutest figure, darling eyes! Mary's grades were "E" and "S", Hard to believe I must confess. Mary's teacher thought so, too, Her hair so gold, and eyes so blue, Her cheeks so pink and lips so red, Could only mask an empty head. The Prof asked Mary if she cribbed, When she said, "No," he thought she fibbed. When into her seat fair Mary slid On quiz day, Prof. watched she did. He saw her little soft hand steal, And 'neath the arm-chair gently feel. He thought a pony long concealed To his dim eyes would be revealed. But no! The hand withdraws, the Prof. grows glum, For t'was where Mary parked her gum. -K. B. Too many cooks spoil the soup; too many hops spoil the beer. Page Fourteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME WHAT THE FRATERNITIES HAVE TO OFFER (Continued from Page Eleven) DELTA THETA PHI-Just because we aren't as good as Phi Delta Phi don't think that we aren't plenty OK. Just look at the boys we've got. Yes, just look at them. Read all about us in the papers from here on out. If you are none too bright you'll feel right at home with us. DELTA UPSILON-We are the true aristocrats of the Universe. You know of us-the overgrown DeMolays. Our house still has plenty of room for really good men (al- ways has had, too) so come one, come all. We aren't as particular as we might be since the depression hit us. We've got a big shot on the Savitar. Best looking house on the campus and we don't charge so very much when you consider that there are sorority houses on both sides. Right across the street from the golf course, too, and we need some good golfers for the intramural this spring. You can work for your room and board if you wish. We are such a nice bunch of boys. You'll just love us. FARM HOUSE-We are rural from the start. Ted BARBEE will show any and all visitors around our place. You'll feel right at home with the milking machines in our living room. Country boys, this is your best chance. You won't get homesick with the bunch of yokels that we have cornered out here. We'll fix you up with all of the pipe courses in the Ag school and with the pull that we have in our house we can get you good grades, too. You will be right in your element here with us. KAPPA ALPHA-Southern variety and we are so well known for our southern atmosphere. And have we ever got a slick bunch of boys? And so many nice looking cars, too. Some of our better known boys are ART CHRIST- MAN, "SQUIRREL" SHY, GEORGE PHELPS, and BOB LOGAN. Then, too, there is Wotta Man ESCHEN who is a shot in Journalism. We are the sporting element of the State U with our little gaming tables. Monte Carlo has nothing on us excepting the surroundings and the foreign waiters. And do you know what our motto is? Well, then judge for yourself. "We're so good in the South." * * * KAPPA SIGMA-The LAWRENCE boys will all soon be out of school and then we won't be so handicapped if Bob will either flunk out or drop dead. We have a swell new house on Stewart Road and we need someone to help us pay for it. We aren't particular as you can see from the members that we now have. We are boys of all types and we are so near to the graveyard, which is a swell place for whatever you wish. We were founded at the I. C. S. in the year of 1689. B. W. DUNN will sing you to sleep if you suffer from insomnia. Don't fall off the bridge when you come home lit, we are trying to cure the boys of the habit (falling off the bridge). * * * LAMBDA CHI ALPHA-We are such scholars, and Doc knows most anything that any stude would like to know. Ask him about getting on the ball in Canada, and it wasn't a convention either. We are going to build a new house in the next 75 years if we can pull in enough new boys to pay for the first installment. We were established and incor- porated in a gay '90 saloon under the influence of nicotine (the nasty stuff). Our hopes aren't much so you can't expect too much, never the less we are high on the campus. GRANT ANDERSON, BILL WHITSETT, and several other good boys have made the big mistake. Why not you, too? PHI DELTA PHI-We always turn out the best law- yers. You can do anything in our house and get away with it except pull a fast one on CHARLEY FARRINGTON. We brew our own in the basement and is it ever potent? We are crazy and any can join us and feel at home. The cops are on our side of the bottle and we will get you out of any thing that you get into with them. We have no competition in our own field. We have none but the best lawyers and in politics we will fleece anyone we can. Come and join our ward heeling squad. With an eye to the future, look over Phi Delta Phi. * * * PHI DELTA THETA-We used to be known for our farewell parties 'til the Dean happened in on one. Now we are known for our basement stag parties. BILL NEETE and BUD OWEN are our only draw backs. We have a fine national organization and you couldn't do better. We're so metropolitan, too. We live just across the street from the Betas so you know we must be good. We leave our lights low so you can bring your dates around any time. FLEEMAN will take any prospective men for a ride in the One Horse Shay. Look us over and we know that you'll so something else. * * * PHI GAMMA DELTA-"Just a Gigolo" is our na- tional song. We are to be seen anytime at the jelly points. If you like to play fish come and join the Phi Gee's 'cause we are so well known that the girls play us for fish for the publicity they get out of it. Our annex is down on Hitt Street and it is so nice. We can get you dates any where. Some of our drawbacks are CLAY, ROY, BRYAN, and CHUCK BROWN. And they are really something to live up to. Florence will be just like a Mother to you if you don't get her mad, or step on her toes while dancing. But then when THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Fifteen you consider the latter she ought to be mad at you if you're that clumsy. Everyone says we give the best parties-on the campus. And Wednesday night dinners with dates are really a time for all. Just drop in some time, and be sure and bring your dancing slippers. * * * PHI KAPPA PSI-We are so intellectual that anyone with the brains of a gnat can see why we rate so well on any campus. FRANNY, BOB SCOTT, GIBSON, ED WRIGHT, and MRS. ELLIS are our best points. We won't mention our bad ones because it would take forever. We were founded in a 'phone booth in the Grand Central station during an Elks convention in 1852, and like the plague we have spread all over the country. We are POWER. Why those two Elks had to get so tight is a mystery to us, too, so please don't call up asking silly questions because we won't answer any. "E Pluribus Unum," our motto, means "Thank God there are no more of Us." PI KAPPA ALPHA-Three drunken spinsters were our founders. And even we were a disappointment to them. If you've heard this one stop me. "It seems as how three traveling salesmen were passing through the village of Novo- grod, ." And that, ladies and gents, is the tale of Pi K. A. Our favorite past time is to see how many heads we can get shaved during the scholastic year. FRITZ HOLTSCHU is our lover, and JOHN LOVE is our best man. We have so much power in the Engine school. If you want to be a shot over there just join our club and you are sure to win. SIGMA ALPHA EPSILON-With our country club atmosphere and Rudy Vallee and ROUCHE as members you can't go wrong with us. We live in the big made over shack on the hill. Our pastimes are many and varied. If you can get in with the right crowd you can use the base- ment room. Join our army and wear a violet in your coat lapel. We used to be known as the "swig alphs" but we are keeping quiet and hoping that this will die down. Have you seen all of the nice cars we have, and the brothers will loan them to you most any time. We date anywhere, and that is something. If you don't think so try it yourself. Think of the prestige you'll have if you sign with us. We have the best bunch of older boys on the campus; ENGLE- MAN, SCHWEITZER, LOVEJOY, and LUCK. Everyone in our house thinks that we are good, ask us if you doubt it. We were founded in a freight elevator about the time of the Chicago fire and so far it is doubtful who was guilty of such an atrocity, but we will make up some founders if you must have them. High water pants are our main fail- ing.. * * * SIGMA ALPHA MU-We are the best in our field and have no competition at all. We have plenty of activity men in our house and so can you be an activity man. Our spacious house is just across from the tower, just ask any- one. We have a mortgage on the Zebe house, too. BEN FREEMAN is our power house and don't think that he isn't power, too. Just come and see for yourself. You'll like us from the minute you see us. We aren't sure just where the hell we began but then you wouldn't ask us embarassing things like that would you? * * * SIGMA CHI-Apply for date cards early, because we look you over before we'll let you on the grounds. If we don't like you we'll recommend you to Phi Delta Theta, the local down the street. Our house is the finest on the cam- pus and we think that we're pretty good. Don't be surprised if we don't give you any house. We were founded in a whisky case in Scotland about 1600, and were granted our charter by Haig and Haig. We have everything, athletes, scholars, nice boys, and activity men (please don't ask what their activities are!) Don't believe those stories about us dating only the Pi Phis because now and then we do sneak off elsewhere. * * * SIGMA NU-We were founded somewhere behind the stables on an early Sunday morn. Some of the boys just stayed out there, but most of these have gone now and so other people can have a chance for the polo team. POL- LITT, LYNN SCOTT, REAVES, and BILL ROUND are among our best. KIRK JEFFREY grades Preventive Med. but please don't hold that against us because he inherited the job. You've surely heard of our crew races with our low-life friends next door. We can really fix you up in Journalism school for anything from presidency to the chorus. We forgot to mention that our origin was in a snake's nest, thus the button we wear. * * * SIGMA PHI EPSILON-Our biggest draw back is some brother by the name of MORRIS (we think that is his name). Some of our better known boys are SPINDLE FRUIT, "South Side" TOWNSDIN, JIM JOHNSON, and the other gigolos. We were formed in the bottom of a soap dish in the Union Station of K. C., and soap was Lifebouy. So you know what to expect from that. Jim will get you dates with his chapter, Kappa. Bring your dates out to the house, its just a short jump over the fence to the golf course. * * * PSI CHI-We used to be known in our better days as the Triangle boys. We used to be power in the engine school. We are still power somewhere thanks to WALLY LARUE. We are the best on the campus. We orginiated from the irregular division of a freak amoeboid cell during the Pliocene age. We sing "Down by the Railroad Trax" (apologies to Frank Crumit) after supper every evening when the weather permits. We aren't particularly outstanding (Continued on page Sixteen) She: Your whiskers are as tough as Bill's. He: Yeah, that's what Mary says. Sixteen THE MISSOURI SHOWME but we just plug alongand get there (nowhere) fast. Drop in and look us over. We need new blood and some more boys to fill our new house on Stewart Road. * * * ZETA BETA TAU-We are the best in our field and have no competition at all. We have a mortgage on the S. A. M. house so you can see that we are well fixed. METZ- GER and FLEISCHAKER are our big shots. We will treat you so nice that you'll be suspicious, but then we need dough for that new house that we've been planning to build for the past 63 years. We sprang up from the heat and spontane- ous combustion of a July sun upon a decaying ham hock, and St. Pat is our founder. Come and abide with us in the peace and tranquility of ocr intellectual atmosphere. * * * PHI SIGMA DELTA-We run a haven for a bunch of nice Eastern boys, especially those from Noo Yawk and Noo Joisey. Say 'goil' and 'doity' without being uncomfort- able. Come over, but don't let RIGROD'S would-be south- ern accent, or SAFIER'S funny way of mumbling love songs scare you away. Exclusive inside stories on all the news and a course in "How I Would Run the United Press" from GENE RICH, who lives half the time in the Journalism build- ing and spends the other half at the house wondering whether its still in its usual place. PHI KAPPA-We can provide an excellent bodyguard for settling your grudges. ROSS is heavyweight master of fisticuffs around the school. Our biggest drawback is con- juring with such names as ANTONELLO, BALSAMO, Mc- CLOSKEY, WEINKEIN, ZAVADO, and ROPPOLO when you want to find out who in the h-1 borrowed your best tie and girl. * * * SIGMA PHI SIGMA-We're Big Business. Didn't we merger with an entire local last month. Come over and soak up some of the home (brew) atmosphere. "TAP IT LIGHTLY" COSMOS will be glad to help you pick your way among the inebriates. Ooh, yeah, we let things slide (we got two trombone players in the house). LULLABY Rocks '11 buy baby For bachelor den, If the boy blows His coin on the wren. But when the boy's broke, And all his stocks fall, Away will go baby, Love-nest, and all. -Red Cat. AND CAPITAL Despite the depression, girls without principle still draw interest. -Belle Hop. The Boy: "You're one in a million, kid." The Maid: "So are your chances." -Lion. WHAT DO YOU THINK? City Boarder: "Milking the cow?" Hiram: "Naw, just feelin' her pulse." -Log. NUTS Doctor: "There goes a chap who seldom listens to reason.' Nurse: "Who is he?" Doctor: "An interne in the insane asylum." -Red Cat. Irate Wife: "Very well, now I have a Frigidaire -see what you can do about a mechancal stenogra- pher." -Rice Owl. The Editor's life is a hard one- He works long and without stint. He prints the jokes that you don't want. You want what the faculty won't let him print. -Rammer Jammer. Prof: "I'm letting you out ten minutes early to- day. Please go out quietly so as not to wake the other classes. -Wampus. He: "How was the show?" It: "Boy, it would make a pre-medic blush!" -Bored Walk. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Seventeen YE YMPUDENFE OF SPRYNTYME BEYNGE One Comprehenfyfe & Cauftyc Crytyfyfm of Ye Upper Lyfe of Columbye, Together wyth Dyfcuffyonf onne Ye Sayme, Yntended for Edyfyynge N Enlyghtenynge Ye General Pub- lykke. by PROF.SYLVESTER ZYLCHE (Ye Smythe-Corona Presse) Indubitably, Spring has came. The whole world, at least the northern half of it, is renascent. From Greenland's icy mountains to India's coral strand Dame Nature is putting on her Sunday clothes in the youthful exuberance of "Le Printemps Gentil." And right here let me say that she is doing it in no small way. Sap runs. Yearling heifers are sheding their winter coats of fur. Stephens and Christian girls venture townward sans stockings. Plus-fours forgotten since last fall are being exhumed and sent to the cleaners. The male public even cir- culates without ties, breathing easily for the first time since last summer. All life throbs and blossoms to a show of bril- liance in this the most wonderful of all seasons. Ah, 'tis but the voice of renewed life-nature's sweet presence again invoked by an empty stomach, as it were. And in the midst of it all, the philosopher sits and medi- tates. He beholds the array of finery and showmanship, and Lo!-the cynic in him reduces it all to matters of supply and demand, cause and effect, with a few concomitant variations and residues thrown in for good measure. The impractical dreamer may well interpret Spring as something entirely beautiful and lovely, but there are aspects which exhibit to the thinking man nothing that is so darned beautiful or idealistic. The philosopher, fortunately, sees the seamy side along with the glory, and thereby does his bit toward holding the race down to brass tacks at a time when it would fain become maudlin. It is in this precise vein of thought that I have arrived at a very definite conclusion, as the result of some of my researches-namely, that some of these vernal manifestations are not all they should be, judging from a standpoint of every- day good manners. For instance, will anyone tell me how these damnable woodpeckers get this way, waking one up every morning at five o'clock, a full three hours before one ordinarily gets out of bed to make an eight o'clock class? The point is, taken either from a sociological or ethical standpoint, does the average woodpecker have aught but evil in his heart when he takes the trouble to get up before everyone else and start hammering on some resonant tree? One might forgive him, were it not that he is never content with a normal tree, but must seek out the one that will pro- duce the most noise. Moreover, he betrays a baseness of dis- position by invariably stationing himself as closely as pos- sible to someone's window. My contention is that there can be nothing of charm or charity in such a personality. To add insult to injury, he allows the fiend in him to have full sway, and stops hammer- ing just long enough to put a fellow off his guard. You think he has quit for good, and make up your mind that here is where you get some sleep after all, and you drowse comfortably off, only to be yanked from soul-satisfying slum- ber as that hellish drill resumes operations. If fired upon, this brazen counterpart of a boiler-factory affects a maddening nonchalance, knowing as he does from long experience that he is virtually safe from the orthodox small calibre rifle customarily invoked by the outraged citi- And What Did You Say Your Name Was? zen. This is where the human race falls down tremenduously, for it is my own experience that nothing short of an elephant, gun loaded with scatter shot is enough to dissipate the com- mon run of woodpeckers. I wish here to reiterate my conviction that the wood- pecker conducts his affairs in this noxious manner purely from a species of perverse meanness. For, when one considers all the nice wooded territory in Boone County, admirably suited even to the most exacting connoissur of hollow trees, it is at once apparent that no well intentioned bird would locate in Columbia-great educational center though it is-without some base ulerior motive. Just why one of God's creatures should thus bear a grudge against the human race is really more than I can figure out, unless given a great deal more time for further research. The facts as I see them are these: No one is going to begrudge our little feathered friends house room here in Co- lumbia; indeed, most of us encourage their coming here, the dear little things. (They ARE cute, aren't they?) But when a snippy and smart-aleck wood-pecker deliberately goes out of his way to make life miserable for someone else (whom he probably hasn't met socially, at that) why then I say that there ought to be a law, or something. And now I want to thank this dear, dear editor man on the SHOWME for his sympathy and co-operation in my campaign to make this a cleaner, nicer world to live in. So goodbye, boys and girls. (Yeah, you mugs, S'long.) Page Eighteen MODERN MATRIMONY Spring Lady-love, lady-love, Leave on the run; My wifey is coming And packing a gun. Summer Lady-love, lady-love, Wifey left me. Now we can marry; How happy we'll be! Fall Lady-love, lady-love, Don't reprimand; She's nothing to me, dear; You don't understand. Winter Lady-love, lady-love, Leave on the run; My wifey is coming And packing a gun. -J. H. R. MYSTERY UNRAVELED Who keeps me guessing, Flying blind; Who's got my heart And peace of mind? Who wears my pin And spends my dough, And haunts me every- Where I go? Who cheers me up, Who makes me blue? There's just one answer Dear,-it's you. -H. D. L. SHOWME SHOW (Continued from page Nine) back why she didn't have a date that particular night. Three birds to you, GAIL . . . Looks like the GOLDEN EGG is opening up again, and the THETAS still go there, but then, they always were represented in the old days. .. Isn't BETTY HERD'S line a bit moth eaten? Hope she'll get a new one for spring. . . How does ED WILKY like the home town girl, who emotionally demonstrated FRIGIDAIRE? HOW DID MARIE ANDER- SON, of the Gamma Phi house, burn her foot over the Ea- ster holidays? Ask her what hotel it happened in. . . Funny how re- cently a lot of the SHOWME THE MISSOURI SHOWME reader's have stopped sendiing copies home, isn't it ? . .. We heard that TOPPING from the SIG EP house has plenty to learn and very soon too. He wasn't so smart when he pulled that one. . . And while on the Sig Ep's. which name does JIMMY JOHNSON prefer, "KAPPA," or "MUSHMOUTH?' . . Bud POLLITT can't seem to live down the name or title the Theta Sigs gave him-"THE PEE- PLE'S CHERCE." . . . "Senor Z" please write again, we want to hear from you. . . HAVE YOU HEARD about the big outdoor's horse show CAPT. BEIDERLIN- DEN is planning? Sounds good to us. . . Horse shows and political campaigns are similar in some re- spects, though we favor the horse show. .. Why not have the cam- paign headquarters at the stables, too? .... We may be wrong, but we have good reason to believe that FENSTERMAKER'S head is getting ready to wear one of the SAVITAR'S CROWNS as we have learned from reliable sources, (at least we think so) that she is one of the queens. Congrats, Fen- stermaker. The new Gandhi's are rather popular, aren't they; what will the designers select next? ... Thanks for the phone call, Mary, sorry I couldn't join you. Well, so long-until next month, I re- main, -The Observant Mule "Retire? You won't ever retire. It gets in your blood!" -Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Nineteen DONT'S FOR SPRINGTIME Soft nights and balmy air, Oft make us lose our care, As to what we do or say, When we go out to play. These rules of the games, Apply to man and dame; Now learn them word for word, So you won't get the bird. First, master all your desires, And quench all hidden fires; You needn't be a saint, But just don't do what ain't. And girls, no blanket parties, With any dizzy smarties; For they are often crude, And sometimes even rude. Small nooks are nice, they say, In the broadlight of day; But at night when its dark, It's not much of a lark. Couples should not wander Around about to ponder, Questions heavy and grave For fear of a bad knave. And those who lose their pins, Add only to their sins; 'Though those who are pinned Have not always sinned. Sunbaths are a good sport, But don't ned up in court, For lack of technique In sunning your physique. If you should be urged To have the good submerged, Take refuge in a cold shower And not in a secluded bower. Don't do like the young man Who tried to get a moon-tan, By reclinging upon the sod In dear old Francis Quad. If these rules you should heed, Then there is not a need, To worry about the boot If your "oats" should take root. BUT IF YOU DON'T, THEN- Observant Mule or O P Will deal with your histories; And then your acts will be, No longer sweet mysteries. HOWDY, MISS SPRING Howdy Miss Spring. Where you been so long? Why you been doin' us a downright wrong. Keepin' us in worry and suspense, 'Till we almost lose our good hoss- sense. The flow'rs wait to start a-bloomin, And birds itch to go a-zoomin! Come now, give us your golden smile; Honey I sho' do like your style. -Bob Stennis. When it gets to be torture to think, And all of life's sweets turn to bitters, You seek consolation in drink- SPRING SONG The freshman in the country roams Composing many senseless pomes, For spring is here. The sophomore in his classes sighs, Remembering Mary's true blue eyes, For spring is here. The junior whistles up a tune- But watch him underneath the moon, For spring is here. The senior does his books despise, Likewise a regiment of "I"s, For spring, happy spring is here. -K. B. COMPARISONS "How doth the busy little bee Improve the shining hour?" It's funny, His aim and mine are quite alike; He's out today to get his honey. "He Who Gets Slapped" is an old story of a clown in love with a bare back rider. "He Who Gets Slapped" is a modern version of clowing with somebody's bare back. "My Pal," muttered the acrobat, ex- tending a hand toward his staunchest supporter. "Ain't there no justice," demanded the elopers of a policeman in the wee hours of the morn. "No," replied the officer in a nasal twang, "but I can see about you get- ting squire treatment." Inscribed upon one of the walls in the Acacia lodge is: Once a Mason, always a Mason, But once a Knight,-plenty! A street cleaner's conception of par- adise: A job as janitor on a merry-go- round. When the India rubber man goes out with the fire eater there is bound to be a big stink. IT'S BEEN SUCH FUN HALVING YOU -Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern. Page Twenty THE MISSOURI SHOWME Life Savers For highest quality patronize Showme advertisers Miller Riding Equipment SWELL STORY Silence. Seven-seventh Street slept. Suddenly some one stepped slowly streetward. Sadie Schmaltz slipped softly south. Something stirred slowly, surely. Sadie stopped, surprised, saw Sam Sampson staring satanically. Sar- torially smooth Samuel surged Sadie-ward. She sur- rendered. Said Sam, surely, "Some secluded spot, some- where ?" Sadie submitted slowly. Sam, Sadie, stepped, soon stopped, sat. Spoke Samuel, "Some swell scenery." "Sure," simpered Sadie. Sam stretched, slumped slowly Sadie-ward, squeezed Sadie. Sadie screamed, slapped Sam, stood. Steven Smith, strolling, saw Sadie slap Sam. Steve stepped swiftly, stopped, stood steadily, shook Sam severely. Sam sneered, sullenly, swung. Steven stepping sidewise suddenly socked Sam squarely. Sam slumped sickly, sank slowly, signified surrender. "Stand!" shouted Steve. Sam slowly stood somewhat straight. "Scram!" said steve sharply. Sam stepped swift- ly. Steve stepped Sadie-ward, softly spoke. Sadie smiled. Steve, Sadie strolled. Suddenly Steve spoke, "Some secluded spot some- where ?" "Sure!" said Sadie Schmaltz. -Punch Bowl. Suitors should go to Miss. Singers should go to La. Miners should go to Ore. Andy Gump fans should go to Minn. Laundresses should go to Wash. Sighers should go to O. Prayers should go to Mass. Doctors should go to Md. Writers should go to Penn. Flunkers should go to Conn. Babies should go to Ga. Invalids should go to Ill. Farmers should go to Mo. Suckers should go to Tex. Counters should go to Tenn. Republicans should go to Cal. Debtors should come to ME.!!!! -Octopus. Some say its spring when the sap begins to rise, and some say its spring when the saps begin to fall. -Longhorn. THE MISSOURI SHOWME Page Twenty-one OR A PHI GAM Feminine Voice (from the upper berth) : "Por- ter, is that my coat down there in the aisle?" Porter: "No ma'am, that's just an A. T. O. com- ing back from a convention." -Mountain Goat. He (his hands over her eyes) : "If you can't guess who this is in three guesses, I'm going to kiss you." She: "Jack Frost, Davy Jones, Santa Claus." -Claw. Gangster: Say goodbye to the lady, son. Son: Scram, Moll, scram. -Medley. The reason some people don't appreciate our hu- mor is that they're either looking for something fun- ny or something dirty. -Wataugar. "Are you a Statue of Liberty girl?" "Sir, what do you mean?" "Lit up all night and stands for everything." -M. I. T. Voo Doo. "There's a personal letter for you at the house." "What did it say?" -Cornell Widow. A new cough medicine is now on the market-it is called Laxalax-and the slogan is "six tablets and you don't dare cough." -Punch Bowl. Little Bo-Peep Is losing sleep, Running around to dances. Let her alone, And she'll come home A victim of circumstances. -Sun Dial. Dawson: "I understand blondes are hard to make?" Blonde Blizzard: "No, a little peroxide does it." Dawson: "Thanks for the tip, I wasted a whole quart of gin on one last night." -Mountain Goat. "Where are you going, daughter?" "Downstairs to get some water." "In your nightgown?" "No, in this pitcher." -West Point Pointer. " Tell me, Mr. Coolidge, do you ever feel blah?" Do you ever feel blah? There's a sure cure for that sort of thing, and it doesn't come in bottles. It takes away that tired feeling, cures petrified pores - and doesn't make you feel like yourself again. It's a famous old formula, containing just the right amounts of dou- ble-chocolate humor and pungent fiction, topped with a delectable dab of Rolf Armstrong beauty. Makes you laugh and cry! Don't suffer in silence. Ask your druggist for College Humor Page Twenty-two THE MISSOURI SHOWME "Sire, there is a lady without." "Without what?" "Without a last line for this joke." -Juggler. She: "Oh, Henry, there's a bug down my back." He: "Aw, cut it out. Those jokes were all right before we were married." -Cynic. "Come take liberties with me," said the coed, as she robbed the magazine stand." -Rammer-Jammer. TEDDYSUD WITH A BAD SPRIG CODE With Apologies to Teddysud Id the Sprig a fuller cribsud cubs upod the robbid's breast; Id the sprig the widtub lawwig get hibself adother crest; Id the Sprig a livelier iris chages odd the burdished dub; Id the Sprig a youg bad's fadcy lightly turds to thoughts ub lub. -Long horn. Dear Son: I just read in the paper that students who don't smoke make higher grades than those who do. This is something for you to think about. Father. Dear Father: I have thought about it. But truthfully I would rather make an S and have the enjoyment of smok- ing; in fact I would rather smoke and drink and make an M. Furthermore, I would rather smoke and drink and neck and make an I. Dear Son: I'll break your neck if you flunk in anything. -Kansas Sour Owl. THE MISSOURI STORE CO. The circus owner was being sued for divorce by his wife. Unable to pay the alimony which the court demanded he had to give over his amusement park. That would be fair grounds for divorce, eh, what? The red-painted fire truck bore down upon the hopeless victim. The driver, his face one big sneer- ing smile, swerved neither to left nor to right. Then the collision. A loud explosion. Then a loud voice bellowed, "C'mon, you clowns, let's try that fire truck gag over again. There was confusion around her-but she seemed quite at ease, tranquil-then, as though no one was watching her she reached for a rubbery ob- ject-it looked about just the right size to fit com- fortably in her mouth-she clamped her gleaming teeth down over it--set those powerful looking jaw muscles and stood ready-suddenly a gleaming cord like thread separated her for her support-her jaws looked strained-but she only gripped tighter with those gleaming teeth-the crowd was awed-they were troubled-how would she get back ?-But her big brown eyes only glistened brighter as she looked at the crowd. Then, slowly she worked her way back-over that cord-like stretch, her jaws looked tired-but she was slowly working her way back- those wires all about her looked threatening. Ah, but there she was-safe-the audience looked their applause, but suddenly a buzzer sounded. She be- came confused and then spoke-"What number please?"-and then-went on chewin' and stringin' that darned gum. "I've covered a lot of ground in my time," said the big Indian elephant to the little African elephant hitched alongside of him. DR. G. E. WARD, JR. The Missouri Showme Page Twenty-Three J.C. Penny Co. Inc. Camel Cigarettes