The Missouri Showme April, 1934 The Missouri Showme April, 1934 2008 1934/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193404

The Missouri Showme April, 1934; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1934

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The Missouri SHOWME April 15c Lucky Strike Cigarettes What's in a Name? So it came a spring night with a balmy briz We got ourselves together, broke the ice and start- ed chewing the fat in a vat of moose milk down by the shoe factory. One gentleman 'lowed that a gently lowing bovine reminded him of Betsy. An- other asks "Betsy Baldwin or Kempster?" Wall, suh, it warn't neither one but that just shows how parents breeds discontentment in their chilluns hby naming them onethingernuther. Now the Eliza- beths Adams and Abernathy prefer Betty for an everyday handle. Saradora Denton says it's Sally, and who wouldn't? Most of a certainty our good fran' Mar- lee Evans is correctly titled Margaret Lee. Geral- dine Mos is Jerry and we can see how that is. Jo- sephine Flory cut it to Jo, but Showme has it straight that she is no relation to Old Joe of the barroom. Katherine Petterson decided in favor of Kay, or have you heard? Kitty Katherine Cous- ley of Alton, Illy.-So! Maybe Mimi Buescher didn't doctor hers either but . The last straw that curdled the moose milk \ as Isle Mona Ketcham, and honest to goodness, up and above board, bona fide name. It may remind you of palm trees in the sand and tropical breakers, but it's the real McCoy. Now, my fran', the grass was getting greener-besides it was 12:15-So! THEN HE FEELS BETTER "Gee, Sue, your boss is sure grouchy when he has a cold !" "Yeah, and when he has one-boy, do I catch it from him!" "Listen, baby, I drive a car for what I can get out of it!" "Fine, big boy, 'cause I'm getting out right now." Missouri Showme Missouri Showme is published monthly, except during July and August, by the Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, pro- fessional journalism fraternity, as the Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri. Subscription prices, $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Vol. V April 3, 1934 No. 8 Copyright 1933 by Missouri Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi THE CONTENTS OF THIS MAGAZINE ARE NOT TO BE REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Address all communications to: MISSOURI SHOWME, 110 Metropolitan Bldg., Columbia, Mis- souri. Office of publication: Herald-Statesman Publishing Co., 107 So. Ninth Street, The Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Missouri. Editorial and Business Office: 110 Metropolitan Bldg., Columbia, Missouri. April . Concentrated Coverage .Facts First .Fair Opinion THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN INDEX TO ADVERTISERS Page Broadway Storage .-. 19 Budweiser -. . . 5 Camel . . Back Cover Chesterfield . .-. .11 Columbia M issourian ---.--.-. . 1 Co-Op .-- - . .12 Edgeworth -.--.~.-- .--- -. 9 Gaebler's - . 17 Journalism Scoop Dance --.--.-----. - .-.-.-.Back Inside Cover Knight's .--.------ .-. .-- .13 Life Saver .-.-.---.---.-- .-----. 7 Lucky Strikes .Front Inside Cover Missouri Utilities .-----------. Raleigh .---.--. .-----.-.--- 3 Red Paisley -.---.---- .14 Page One MISSOURI SHOWME APRIL, 1934 Editor, Scott Corbett Managing Editor, Sidney O. Shapiro Associate Editor, Herman Allen Exchange Editor, Alyce Hamilton, Poetry Editor, Dot Schneider Fashion Editor, Madeline Murray. Copy Editor, S. J. Justice Office Manager, Hendrix Chandler Art Staff, C. F. Boggiano, George L. Hawkins, Frank Barhydt, S. J. Justice, Margaret Ann Watts, Ed. W. Fischer, Colberne Spence, .Tack Wally. 0. 0. McIntyre, Godfather Business Manager, Bill Barney Advertising Manager, Bob Bingham Advertising Assistants: Ben Ruben, Caro Ball, Tom Holt, Helene Hess. Circulation Manager, Dick Englander Circulation Assistant, Joe Steiner Business Assistants: Marjorie Lee, Jewell nan, Sam Pearson, Betty Corder, Mary Louise Theis, Frank Evans, Mary Ann Burnett, George Hawkins, Charlie Wal- ker, Don Smith, Bob Jacobs. Contributors: Lucille Mier, Arthur Edson, Clark Kidd, A. G. Shiffman, Marion Harzy, Jack Wally, Louise Higges, Margaret Ethel Moore, Charles Bal- thrope, La Nelle Dean, Henry Van Alstine, H. A. Dovin, Charles Coleman. Concerning the Uncalled-for Extra Editor, Missouri Student Columbia, Missouri Dear Sir: I was quite surprised the other day to find the Student parked on the front doorstep two full days before its usual time and my astonishment was even great- er when I discovered that the is- sue was an extra. A hasty glance at the Student contents revealed an absence of O.P., former press agent for the Showme, the presence of an at- tack on Frank Carideo, Tiger football coach, and a commenda- ble defense of "Doc" Huff, Mis- souri track coach. It was the attack on Carideo which was upsetting, for it was both uncalled-for and childish. That you should wait until spring football practice was well under way to stage a move for a new coach shows that you had a com- Page Two plete lack of understanding of what was best for Missouri. Of course, I have no doubt that you are an expert as a judge of football coaches and can spot a bad one at forty paces every time, but I still think that you should have remembered the disgrace Missouri brought on itself not so many years ago by firing Carid- eo's immediate predecessor, (Gwinn Henry, during the spring season. The removal of Carideo at this time would bring forth an- other storm of justifiable criti- cism which would undoubtedly work to the disadvantage of the school. As I say, I am not questioning your evaluation of Mr. Carideo's worth. That is merely a matter of opinion, and in this instance your opinion does not correspond with mine. But I do think that even you will have to admit that the prospects for next season are better than ever before. I am sure that in your studies of the sports situation here, which you must have made before you staged such a direct attack, you became con- vinced, as others have been con- vinced, that Carideo will have a better team next year in view of what he has out at spring prac- tice right now. Would you shoot the miler who has started his sprint on the last lap? Would you take out the entire eleven of a football team when the ball is within the ten- yard line and send in an inexper- ienced team which is unfamiliar with the situation? Then why would you fire a coach when it begins to. look as if the future is a trifle brighter than before? Continuing in my disapproving vein, I can not help but believe you were having decided flights of fancy when you said a major- (Continued on page 12) Showme I Cover The Student Well, all I know is what I read in the Student or hear over Sta- tion KFRU, so I don't know much this month, except that I did hear that O.P. column is dead -long live O.P.! I come to bury O.P., not to praise it. The evil that columns do lives after them -the good is often non-existent. So let it be with O.P. Well, as for O.P., it looks as if the old law of supply and demand got in a few vital blows. There is a limit to everything and even a hog can stand only so much slop. Its sponsors, the curators, got a belly-full too and stepped in and stopped this wanton waste of space as a receptacle for filth and dirt. As King Soloman, the bib- lical sage, once said: "No wo- man, having swept her house, will dump the dirt and refuse upon the front porch, but disposeth of it; just so should a newspaper refrain from making wastebask- ets of its columns." Proverbs 56: 13. At any rate O.P. got its just desserts. 'Sfunny thing about this hiere O.P. I diidn't know that it had folded until about three weeks after the folding took place. And I probably would never have known it except that when I got ready to wri'te this column the night before we go to press I started looking through some back Students and .:aw that O.P. has been slain by the cruel blows of the curators. And what's more, I'll wager my back salary that half the students don't know that O.P. is now in the past tense and what's more than that I'll wager further that the other half don't care what tense it's in. With a masterful stroke of his pen, 'Bill Schroeder, "Student" editor, broke down the structure of the Women's and Men's Pan- Hellenic Councils, when he label- ed the slate headed by Neidner as the Independent ticket. We April always thought Kappa was one of our leading sororities, but evi- dently not, for the "Student" lists Jane Kelly on the Independ- ent list. And looking down the list, we were glad to know that Schuepbach is an unaffiliated man. That lifts a load off some fraternity's shoulders. The Phi Gams, too, must be feeling the drawbacks of being alone politi- cally on College Avenue, for Thurman and Noyes are also In- dependent candidates. The first thing we'll be hearing is that the "Student" is an Independent sheet. With the abolition of O.P., it looks as if the dirt department will change its address to "A- round the Columns!" Here's the wish of the Showme staff that the parents of O.P. manage to pro- long the life of their wretched offspring (conceived in slime and dedicated to the propogation of filth) so that budding and would- be journalists may see the results of certain journalistic end'eavor and direct their faltering foot- steps to safer avenues of journa- listic pursuit. Mournfully yours, The Slam Editor Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corporation Page Three Mizzou Merry-go-round A Scramble of Big Caucus - Little Caucus - Unionists - Machine - Independents - Free-Lances "Once I tried to railroad But now I'm through." The above could have been Cy Young's attitude after his attempt at railroading at the Student Council meeting a couple of weeks ago, when he proposed a mem- bership in the Student Council as a requirement for Student president casdidates. Despite the fact that it was passed by Big Caucus followers, after Carl Rig- rod had filibustered for forty-five minutes at the risk of actual phy- sical injury, it was declared un- contitutional by the Faculty Committee. However, Young, expecting a reprisal and faced by a strong Independent opponent, Spencer Allen, set the party machinery working at full gear. When the smoke cleared, Bob Neidner, champion of Independent rights last year, had cast his much- needed Student Council vote for Young. So now, Neidner heads the slate which the Big Caucus is supposedly running in conjunc- tion with the campus Independ- ents. The Independents stick together except when it comes to the race for the grab-bag. Allen Hatfield, whose only bid for fame lies in the fact that he's Woody's brother, has been re- cruited to oppose "Duke" Jorgen- sen, basketball captain-elect and the Unionist candidate for vice- president. Woody himself is supporting the Unionist ticket, so the brothers bid fair to have some pleasant evenings until Election Day. Coy Mary Va. Edmiston will match charms with lanky Jane Kelly in the Secretrarial race. Theta versus Kappa. For once all the Savitar ap- pointments were made on a basis of merit, due to the evcellent work of this year's editor Lester Sibernagel conscientiously carry- ing out his ideals of fairness in the face, perhaps, of attempted interference from party bosses. Party split-ups happily lightened his task and made it a little easier for him to recommend Ralston, Little Caucus man, as next year's editor. The Big Caucus opposi- tion wishing to throw a monkey wrench in the works, have refus- ed to give Vranek the necessary two-thirds majority for business manager of the Savitar, even though Borenstine and Gertie Powell have voiced their refusal to run against him, but action will most likely be taken before the administration retires. The reputation of the Savitar, made without peer last year by editor McEnnis, and probably to be sus- tained by editor Sibernagel this year, makes the editorial position a post that should be kept out of the reach of small fry campus politicians. Only two parties will be in the field for the coming Student Government Association election on April 20. The newly-formed Unionist Party, with Morris and Jorgensen as its candidates for president and vice-president, and the remains of the Big Caucus parading as a wolf in cheap clo- thing by putting several Inde- pendents on its slate, will fight it out alone, without any of the us- ual smaller groups around to get under their feet-and, as in the case of the Little Caucus's ex- (Continued on page 19) Showme "But I'm tell- ink you, I broke eet playink feet ball !" Page Four A N H E U S E R - B U S C H * * * S A I N T L O U I S Showme Show Sort of an Error Hospital authorities must have their little jokes, so when Hayes and Eliot of the D. G. group sus- pected appendicitis in the offing and went to the hospital, they were confined in the maternity ward. Both are doing nicely. Campused It was such a shame for the A. D. Pis to campus McLaugh- lin the week-end of Engineers' Ball. But if you doubt their sin- cerity, just ask Doris about it. She won't tell you. Men Hendrix had to hang out a sign with "Men" written on it. But then there are a lot of women over there. Sally Denton had something to do with it, we hear. Phi Gam Rubbers A prudent lot, those Phi Gams. Health before all, safety first- for Bown Adams and Max Car- ruthers, at least. We didn't no- tice it especially until recently. During the last spell of snow, 'twas. Our eye being attracted one day by a shiny black surface, we looked closer and discovered that the shiny black surface was just one of the many attractive features of a pair of rubbers which adorned Max's feet. This noted, we turned our attention to Bown, two seats over, and lo! more rubbers. Expose A local gal who has been around school ever since summer school and before-and how she has been around !-loosened up during a female bull session re- cently and told the gals who she had dated during the summer here. Among others, she named sev- eral gentlemen - about - campus who now have pins, out, and are they getting h- from their Page Six lady-loves! Murder and sin will out, boys, so youl'd better be care- ful about who you, er, murder. "Come in!" Knock, knock, knock! "Who's that knocking at my door?" Bang, bang, bang! "Who's that knocking at my door?" repeated the fireman to the gentleman below who was belaboring the door of the fire sta- tion. He continued to knock in no uncertain raps, and pretty soon the door opened-next door-and he was invited in. He introduced himself as Ed Brown of the Uni- versity, mentioned Phi Delta Theta, and was given lodgings for the night. The next morning he arose and found he felt much better, except perhaps for a slight headache and nausea upon sitting up. Next day he came back to see about settling the bill for his stay in the place, but the kindly old judge, hearkening back to the days when he was a student here, let him off a few well-put admon- itions against revisiting the fire station with so little purpose and so much noise at such an hour. Reid Rumpus Elsa Martin and Mary Pitt- man, Reid Hall daffydils, recent- "Did ya ever try blowing in her ear?" ly went 'round and 'round at a local plate throw. Seems as how Pittman wanted out for reasons very obvious to her, but the doors were locked. She seized an um- brella in a fit of something or oth- er and started laying a few on the windows, all in a spirit of fun of course. Things soon came to a pretty pass with Martin and a battery of highballs on the cas- ualty list. Funny what spirits will do. Jim Crow Denied "I'm sorry, but these seats are reserved," said the usher at the Missouri. "We bet they aren"t either," said the three Alpha Gamma Delts. "You're just saying that! Why should they be reserved?" Before he was through, the usher was about ready to go out and summon in a few colored gentlemen to set an example. But Anne Wilcox, Mildred Windmil- ler and "Rasputin" finally got the idea, and moved out of the Negro section of the balcony. Strange Are the Ways- We were much amused when we heard that Bob ("I'm-100%- Independent") Neidner voted for Cy Young, Big Caucus kingfish, for next year's Student editor when Spencer Allen, 99.44% In- dependent, was also a candidate for the same office. The political situation is getting too much for us, really. Social Note Undoubtedly the Greater Lit- tle Caucus members enjoyed their party at the Pennant the week- end before Easter. Sub-rosa Merger The better sub-rosas are consid- ering combining long enough to open the oaken barrel together, according to underground mur- murs. The various orders are (Continued on page 14) Showme Here and There Items of No Particular Interest Picked Up As Time Marches On We have a gal and she is like an angel in three ways-She's always up in the air, she's forever harp- ing about something and she never has an earthly thing to wear. The recent talk of war brought about the follow- ing statement from one supposedly in the know. He said that the Germans named their ships after jokes so the English wouldn't see them. Even her best friend couldn't tell her. Her breath was so strong he could have chinned himself on it. Did you read about the magician's wife that gave birth to a bowl of goldfish? Add sad cases: Sadie, the steno, had to quit her job because the boss was so bowlegged that she kept falling through his lap. After all it really wasn't the driver's fault. He admitted driving over the man with a loaded truck but pleaded not guilty because he didn't know it was loaded! "I'll see you," said our hero as he laid down four aces in a strip poker game. Many a sorority sister has proven that two can live as cheaply as one. They are living as cheaply as their parents. And always remember that girls and billiard balls kiss each other with about the same amount of feeling. "Hello, is this Mr. Goldfarb?" "Yes." "This is Mr. Schneck's ofice. Will you please hold the wire?" (Pause). "Hello, is this Mr. Goldfarb?" "Yes." "This is Mr. Schneck's private secretary. Hold the line a minute, please." (Pause), "Hello, is this Goldfarb?" "Yes." "Well, this is Schneck. Goldfarb, you stinkl" new york medley April LIFE SAVERS: "Stepping out?" HIGH HAT: "My goodfellow, we're calling on the future Missus." LIFE SAVERS: "Better take me along." HIGH HAT: "And what will you do?" LIFE SAVERS: "Take your breath away, of top." FOR A NEW THRILL . SPEAR-O-MINT LIFE SAVERS LAST MONTH'S WINNER The toast of the campus really knows which side her bread is buttered on. -Eric Lownstein, 500 Rollins MISSOURI UTILITIES CO. Page Seven IN MEMORIUM "0. P." Sorry, 0. P., old friend, For you such tragic end, Though 'twas little you did know, We hated to see you go- But 'tis better you drained to the dregs, (For you were on your last legs) The Curators' bitter cup ,And gave your sad ghost up. "Talk of the Town" Warned by the Dean That it must be clean, For high school children all ardund Hear the program, so renowned- So shed a tear for this scandaleer, Who's changed from bed to bed- time stories, Emasculated, no more recounts soirees. Page Eight Requiem Now stands the Showme Show Alone to face the foe, To carry on the torch, The erring one to scorch; One by one, our fellows died, Who in life we used to chide, And now their ghosts arise And glare with staring eyes, Shrieking: "You must carry on!" Quoting from 'Thanatopsis': "So live, that when thy summons come to join The innumerable caravan, which moves To that mysterious realm, where each shall take His chamber in the silent halls of death, Thou go not, like the quarry slave at night Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch about him And lies down to pleasant dreams." "CAMPUS KING" "Mud" Here lies unmourned, unwept, From "Savitar" forever swept, The Campus King and his Moth- er Mud, Once campus scandal's raciest blood; Slain by a gold-conditioned de- cree From the powers on high that be- The King is dead! The King is dead! Easy rests many a potential crowned head. Showme A REAL GAL Harry was in a passive mood. He was a rural boy, but girls had always been his specialty. Thus it was that when he started to reflect the rest of us kept still. It sounded like a hot story. "The first time I saw her I knew she was the answer to a youth's prayer. Nancy had it all; looks . .vivacity. . . style. yes, she was just about it. You've heard of conformation even if you do live in the city. Hers was perfect. When she stepped out everybody turned around for a second look. "She would toss that pretty head of hers, pick up those dainty little feet, and . well, I was plenty proud of her. I 'cultivated' the little lady for every bit of two years. She had a sweet tooth which came to be well taken care of. Every day of the world we went out together. used to go out in the hills and ride. "Nancy was sweet, but she liked her fun too. Not a 'hey-hey' girl, but one who knew her oats . a tricky little devil if you didn't keep your eye on her. I did though. "She fooled around occasionally; once she tried to give me the run-around but I didn't get mad at her. Blonde as they come . a golden blonde. I used to like to put my arms around her slender, pretty little neck, and lay my head against that love- ly hair-she would almost invariably shy off, though. She was capricious, all right. "But the climax finally came. Her first, colt was the shaggiest, scrawniest darn cow-pony you ever laid eyes on. It didn't even. ." We hit Harry like a ton of brick. He had it coming, leading us on. EDGEWORTH SMOKING TOBACCO "Well, gee, professor, how was I to know 'out, damn spot wasn't part of my direction?" April Page Nine PINANCIAL PAGE SALES EQUAL FOR PAST MONTH THIRTEEN HOUSES TIED PIN- NING FALLS OFF Easter Vacations Probably Cause Drop This month there has been a decided drop in the pinning of the co-eds at the dear old State U. The boys are either losing their stamina or else the girls are looking forward to variety this spring. However the situation is becoming decidedly more pleas- ant for the campus playboys who love to flit gaily from one house to another, never staying long in any one particular spot. It look- ed for awhile as though all the fancy girls on the campus were going to be taken out of circula- tion. Thirteen Pins Recorded For March Thirteen pins were reported to have been put out this last month and strange as it may seem, each pin was from a different house. Not another house on the campus can equal the record set by the Betas, who have some six or sev- en pins out so far. The Phi Delts are a good close second with four or five. Possible Disclosure Section In Next Issue If we can get together a list large enough to be of any inter- est we may possibly print the names of about three Kappas, two or more Pi Phis and a cou- ple of Tri Delts and Delta Gams, these girls being the ones that for some reason or other do not choose to wear the badges pub- licly. Any time now this list may be made known. Of course we can make mistakes now and then A Couple of Sidelights and A Couple of Apologies To begin may we apologize and that very sincerely. To Billy Nowell, we are very chagrined for having mispelled your name. There was something else but I can't remember just what it was. Bob Seiler and Betty Aberna- thy have finally decided to stop messing around and get down to something stable. After running around together for years and years, Bob finally puts his pin out on the fancy little brunette Pi Phi. This affair has already last- ed a long time and I for one hope that it will last for much, much longer. I don't know about the candy, but I do know from what I've been told that Seiler bought some of the very best ten-cent cigars for the brothers at the Kappa Sig house. Another thing, Akibo Carl Rig- rod finally put his pin out on June Wise. It was a long hard job for Akibo but he came through at last. I just remembered about that other apology, I don't know whether Bill Scott felt slighted or not for being left out of this col- umn but if he did we are sorry. If he never noticed it, the Stu- (lent did, so we have included the names of both J. Lo McGraw and Billy Scott. Come to think of it, an apology is due Charley Proctor, ATO, whose pin has not been out be- fore. "This," says Charley fer- vently, "is the first and last time," I have one thing to regret-I can never be another Winchell, My nose is too big, I can't get near a key-hole. Heh-Heh-hhh- hhheh-Some Humor HuH? -Pinancial Editor. LETTERS FROM THE PEO- PLE BY THE PEOPLE FOR THE PEOPLE Editor, the Showme Dear Sir: Col. Roscoe B. "Ten-Gallon Hat" Ellard, that famed expo- nent of girth and gusto, has an- nounced to his H. & P. class that he did not know Horace Greeley. This direct statement comes as a surprise to us. Anyway, Hor- ace is one fellow who didn't walk down the streets of Chicago with Ellard declaring the while, "Ah, Roscoe, Roscoe, the windows grimace at you!" -A Journalist "I believe that boy tenor's voice is changing!" "Sir, that's a bass insinuation!" Student: "But professor, lots cf us are better students than our themes would indicate!" Profesor: "Well, all I know is what I read in the papers !" To turn to nature for a mo- ment, no doubt an old-fashioned fish is known in aquarian circles as a gentleman of the old school. Sho wme Her Him Hers His Mary Wilson Bill Harrison Alpha Phi Alpha Gam Sig Ruth Ann Tillotson Dick Whitehead Alpha Phi ,Kappa Alph Edith Simon Gil Barber Tri Delt Sigma Nu Betty Abernethy Bob Seiler P hi hi Kappa Sigma Elizabeth Huntsman Allan Bird Theta Phi Gam Wilma Wilkerson Lloyd Smith (;amma Phi K. A. Lorraine Quigley John Hughes A. D. Pi Phi Kappa, Betty Brooks Ed. Diamond A. D. Pi )Dlt June Wise Akibo Rigrod A. E. Phi Phi Sig Sally Charak Elliot Levin A. E. Phi Sammy Jane Simral Melvin Thompson Kappa Kappa Sigma Dorothy Bagby Duane Randall Delt Gam D. U. J. Lo McGraw Bill Scott Tri Delt Sigma Nu Rosemary Lucas Stan. Ginn Tri Delt Delta Theta Phi Page Ten Chesterfield Cigarettes Concerning the Uncalled-for Extra (Continued from page 2) ity of the students here at the University would favor the oust- ing of Carideo. I personally be- lieve a. majority of the students don't give a damn whether Cari- deo comes or goes, and therein lies the tragedy. Long years of losing teams have destroyed the Tiger spirit, and while most of the students would rather see a good team than a poor one, I fear they are- n't very excited over the issue. You didn't have a majority be- hind you, for the majority didn't care. It is this apathetic attitude which hinders developing a team here about as much as anything else. And here I saw the one good thing in your attack. You at least called to mind that we had a football team, which undoubtedly had its good effect. It is with this in mind that I'm writing you. I'm hoping that through your continued efforts to build up a schol spirit, we may some day witness the rebirth of the "Eat 'emi up, Tigers" attitude. I am hoping that you and your successors, through the use of judicious editorials in your ducky Student, may some day build up the interests of the students in football to such a point that they will be actively interested in any discussion which concerns the gridiron sport. And that these students will read such an attack as the one which you recently made on Ca- rideo, realize the obvious falla- cies and prejudices under which you were laboring, and calmly and judiciously toss the paper in- to the waste basket. So here's for beter football teams, sir, and better Tiger sup- porters. Love and kisses, Showme Sports Speculator GREEK SURVEY Never slappa Kappa. Goo d-gotta be! Alpha Phi. Phi Mu. Wottle you do? Kappa Alpha Theta Stays out late-a. Why try A Pi Phi? Ever felt A Tri Delt? Alpha Chi Never gets him Delta Gam Traffic jam. Never say dye Gamma Phi. And then there was the cam- pused queen. A REPUTATION For thirty-four years the Co-Op has had the reputation of giving true value to the student who wants the best in school needs. Now as ever before, this reputation still holds true-come to the Co-Op for your requirements in textbooks, art supplies, and athletic goods, and at the same time take advantage of the cash re- fund on your sales slips at the end of the year. THE CO-OP Page Twelve Showme Election Day at Old Mizzou or Kansas City Culture Reaches the Campus SCENE I Place: S. G. A. Polls, Jesse Hall. Student: I wanta vote. Election Judge: Watch' party? Stude: Unionist. Judge: G-D- ! (Seizes ballot, scrawls on it and stuffs it in the box) Y'already voted! Stude: Why, Watcha mean! I'll report this- Judge: Oh, yeh? (Dons brass kncks) Score: four Unionist teeth missing. SCENE II Place: Same "Big Stick" Joslino: Watcha name, fellah? Morris: Morris. Joslino . Dust heem off, boys. Score: one slugged Unionist candidate. SCENE III Place: Front Steps of Jesse. Action: "Izzy" Mayesano and several other Big Caucus mobsters taking a powder out of Jes after an orgy of brutality at the polls. Spencer T. Allensock: I am Spencer T. Allen- sock, reporter for the Missouri Student, and- "Iszy": Push dis guy inna mush, mugs, we gotta scram! Mugs: Hokay, Boss. (They push). (Exit mugs and "Izzy," enter Schroeder and Young.) Schroeder: Allensock, what happened! Allensock: Uh? Er, oh, they slugged me. Schroeder: What! Slugged you! Why, the dirty- there'll be a; $5000 reward for their capture for this offered by the Student! Young: Yeh! Score: One slugged reporter. SCENE IV Place: Rollins Avenue. Action: "Bugs" Genungo and several of her free- lance hirelings, sitting in sinister touring car without license plates. Genungio: Hey, onna toes,stiffs, here comes da mug we yah lookin' for-thees-a Leeddela Cawcus mout'piece Rigrodent whatsa gotta too moch ta say Gesungio: Pour eet on heem, and-a geeve hem plenty! Rigrodent; I object to this outrageous defiance of what is fair and fundamentally- Score: One riddled opposition ward heeler. A BROAD CONTROL PLAN -K. C. Star Headline Dat's de idear! Keep de twists in line! '"Whatcha expect-powdering your nose when KNIGHT'S we're rounding a corner!" April Page Thirteen RED PAISLEY Showme Show (Continued from page 6) having their diplomats take up the matter through liason offices, and definite arrangements are ex- pected momentarily. Lost-One Wrist-watch Has anyone seen a wrist-watch that was lost in the Kappa Sig- ma cottage on the night of Good Friday? The finder will please return to Marguerite White, who will then do some returning her- self. Bum Songs We wish the Kappa Betes would learn a few new songs. We are particularly tired of hearing them sing "I love you truly, K. K. G." to the Pi Phis. But we're not near as tired of it as the Pi Phis, no doubt. Paradise Lost Imagine the Delta Gammas' disappointment on Thursday of the holiday week-end when at about 12:30, they thought they saw Dean Priddy's car drive slowly past, a la carload of gang- sters about to put miscreant on spot. They hastily ejected all late callers, and felt somewhat better. But can you imagine their sur- prise and chagrin when they found out later that Dean Priddy had left for St. Louis on Wednes- day? Flight and Pursuit Noting the fact that a gentle- man friend was following them, and wishing to test his blood- hounding abilities, two young ladies of the University ducked into the Central Dairy Ice Cream plant at 8th and Locust and asked if there was a back door through Page Fourteen which they could quietly ad un- ostentatiously exit. They followed a polite attend- ant through the back part of the plant, down a rickety flight of wooden stairs to the basement, where they found a back door made to order for their purpose -obscure, out-of-the-way, just the thing to slink silently out of. They slinked, and there was their friend waiting to greet them. So they awarded him the purple ice-cream doll-house they had picked up on the way through the plant, and went their way. Out on a Big Bus The busses returning from the cities after Easter wfre scenes of infinite jollity, but none jollier than one from Kansas City bear- ing Reiger and Nichols, Phi Delts, Dodd, Theta, and McCart- ney, Kappa. Being in very con- vivial, even slightly hilarious spirits before they started, they "I never get to see much of you anymore." prolonged the party in the back end of the bus, and had, it is said, an excellent time of it. Who's Who Spying a girl of his acquain- tance behind him while strolling down Maryland, Buzz Clock waited for her to walk a block or so and catch up with him. She proved to be another girl entire- ly, one who worked in a local beauty shop. Undaunted, how- ever, Clock took her arm and walked her to school. Carry off a situation or else, that's his mot- to. The How of S. A. Some indiscreet Pi Phi left her copy of a book entitled "Sexo- logy" or something of the sort lying around loose, for otherwise we would never have had occa- sion to note that the coupon in the back of Dr. Rubin's book on "Sex Harmony" was gone. May- be some girl just likes to tear perforations. Haunted Houses One of our staff approached the Acacia house during the Eas- ter unholidays, and knocked loud- ly on the door, loudly in order to hope to make himself heard above the blare of the radio, squeals, and peals of laughter that were issuing from within. After a long time, a sunken- eyed, gaunt individual appeared at the door, opening it cautiously a few inches. "Sorry, the house is closed, ev- eryone's gone home, and there's no one here, heh, heh, heh," he cackled sinisterly, and closed the door again. It was the same way every- where. (Continued on page 18) Showme It Takes All Kinds of People 1, The girl who talks about her boy friends. She's the toast of College Avenue, and the other girls in the house aren't given a minute to forget it. She feels sorry for the boys, but they're so brave about being satisfied with one date every two weeks. She keeps a huge "Engagement List" pasted on her mirror. 2. The boy who says "May I?". He is a thin blonde with a seedy mustache. He keeps the con- versation on impersonal things until you get to the door. Then, because somebody told him that spring was the mating season, he gathers his courage and asks the fatal question. He would like to be a great lover. 3. The girl with buck-teeth. She also talks with her mouth full and slurps her soup. The West- Kansas type with a wardrobe picked by her aunt in Shelbina. 4. The boy who talks shop. He sells sand and gravel for Dietrich-Stenner in St. Louis, and al- though he's the youngest salesman in the business, he gets all the best contracts. He smokes cigars and wears spats. His favorite saying is "Just stay in there and pitch." 5. The poor sport. She huddles over her quiz- zes so the potential flunks on each side of her don't have a chance. She beams benignly when she makes the highest grade in the class, but raises a terrific howl if she makes a 75-the grader just had a grudge against her, that's all. She borrows cig- arettes by the pack and stamps by the strip, and hides her own under the mattress. 6. The pest. He is usually chubby and just out of military school. He writes you poetry of the "Your-eyes-are-like-limpid-pools and I am your slave" type, and sends it through the mail anony- mously. You never give him a date, but he calls up every night just the same. He sits in the library and stares at you. He has all his fraternity broth- ers tell you what a swell guy he is. 7. The girl who is two-faced. She insists that the pledges be campused if they come in smelling faintly of alcohol, and sneaks out on late dates--of the apartment type-on the average of twice a week. She keeps the boy you're in love with posted on all your affairs, and puts out the slushiest line of sym- pathy when you finally break up with. him. 8. The boy who is full of cute little tricks. He calls up every five minutes for an hour and says, "Do you wanna buy a duck?" He unties the bows on your dress, and musses your hair right after you've had it set. He calls you "babe," and "kid." 9. The girl who knows everything. She is the (Continued on page 16) April The Iceman Has His Pick- So Why Not The Showme Reader (A King and Queen-Best-this -and-that ballot to end King and Queen-Best-this-and-that bal- lots. No Campus King in the Savitar? All right, then, pick your own. Also any kind of queen you want. Drop your entries in ballot- boxes at Gaebler's and other dealers, and we'll let you know next time how it comes out.) Campus King? Ace of Hearts? Queen of Queens? 1. Engineer Queen? 2. Scoop Queen? 3. Law Queen? 4. Ag Queen? . . . . . . . . . . . . _ 5. Med. Queen? 6. Army Queen? 7. Phi Beta Kappa Queen? ------ 8. Kappa Beta Phi Queen? ------_______.__. ___ 9. Gaebler's Queen? 10. Workshop Queen? _------------- --_------- - 11. Student Queen? 12. Hinkson Queen? - ------- 13. Golf Course Queen? 14. Brown-eyed Queen? 15. Blue-eyed Queen? 16. Left-handed Queen? 18. Chess Club Queen? 19. Queen of the Week? 20. Emergency Queen for any odd occasion? - Prince Charming? ---------- Coquette? ------------ Playboy? Champion Jelly? ---------- Champion Jellyette? Politician?--- ---------- --- Politicienne? Best-dressed Boy? ---------- Best-dressed Grl? Wierdest Dressed Boy? -------- Favorite Fraternity? Favorite Sorority? Page Fifteen Most Loving Couple Publicly ----------- Most Loving Couple Privately -------------------- Most Charming Couple? Don Juan?--------------------------- Favorite Fraternity Pin?----------------- Favorite Sorority Pin?-------------------- Favorite Course? Dryest Course? Favorite Professor? Favorite School Bldg.? ---------- Prettiest Girl?---------------- ------------------- Favorite Automobile? - Magazine Preferences? 1._-------------------- 2.---------- ---------------- 3.-------------------------- Favorite Drink-hard?---------- soft?-------------- Best Dancer? ------------------------ Most Likely to Succeed?---------------- A Composite Campus Beauty: 1. Nicest Eyes? Most Alluring Eyes?--------------- Roguish Eyes? 2. Prettiest Colored Hair? ------- Nicest Coiffure? --- --------- --- 3. Slinkiest Figure?--------- Most Mae Westish Figger? ---- 4. Legs?---------------- --------------------- 5. Mouth?-- Most Stubborn Girl?--------- ----- Most Stubborn Boy? Social Lion? Gentleman? Smoothest Man?--- ----- ------------------ Social Lioness? Most Ladylike?---------------------- Smoothest Girl? --------------------- Most Bookish? Your Frank Opinion of the "Student"? ------ Your Frank Opinion of the "Showme"? --------- Pet Superstition? Pet Color? Pet Pettng Place (i. e. Stadium)? -------- Favorite Poem? Favorite Quotations? - Most Genial? Quickest Tempered? --------- "Mumbo-Jumbo gobbled down that old witch I broiled all by himself!" sneered the cannibal cook. "That's the way with the greedy old fool," de- clared the assistant cook, "might know he'd go the whole hag!" Page Sixteen It Takes All Kinds of People (Continued from page 15) only one who can speak the Parisian French. She correct you on anything you say, whether it's about politics, the Semangs. or crime in Kansas City. She talks about Schopenhauer on dates. She also reviews the recent books and recites poetry for you. She went to Vassar for three years, and came down to State U. because she thinks "every- one should be democratic." 10. The boy with the undergraduate ideas. He dates up all the best pledges right after rush week, and pulls the line about "Haven't you ever felt the urge ?" He takes them out on picnics and (loses the beer, if necessary. Girls were only made for one purpose. His date goes through either the first or last round of a Dempsey-Tunney fight, depending on her choice. 11. The girl with the southern accent. She spent two months in Dallas the summer before she came to school. Her mother's name was Ritchie, of the Carolina Ritchies. All she has to do is look sleepy and god-awful pale and throw in the "you- awl's" at appropriate times. Its goes over unless you meet the family from Cairo, Illinois. 12. The boy who brags about how much he can drink and then passes out. "The night I was at the Blue Lantern in St. Louis I drank seven gang- sters under the table." He buys it at a quarter a pint and takes it straight without a sign of a chaser. vB eleven o'clock he is poured into a cab-sans bragging, practically sans life. "I hear you demoted Sergeant Barnes after lie wounded himself in the leg with his own gun," said the chief of detectives. "Yes," admitted the chief of police, "he shot his leg and we had to break him." "Oh, Mr. Barstow, I wouldn't take money for this wonderful dance!" "You ain't alone, baby!" Showme GAEBLER'S Black nd Gold Inn April Page Seventeen Showme Show (Continued from page 14) Old-timers Lament Old-timers complain that it isn't like it used to be. How can there be any good old-fashioned graft when there's no big cam- paign fund? Political tycoons of another day would turn over in their graves at the thought of a quiet election. No handbills, no banners, no bands, no serenades, no cash register, and with the greater Little Caucus, no election. "After all, why should we spend money," said one campus Titan. "We have 100%' control of the Council, and the Council counts the votes." And here we pause to list in memorium the names of th-ose who Knew What It Was All About in days of yore: Jim Finch, Phi Gam, Jap Smith, D. U., Greg Hutchinson, Ind., Tom Brett, Beta, Hal Fos- ter, Alpha Gamma Sigma, Dan Joslyn, Delta Theta Phi, Ross Dunwiddie, Kappa Sigma, Bill Dalton, Phi Delta Phi, Benny Freeman, S. A. M., Jonathon ("You trust me, boys") Schultz, Unmentionable, Ted Graham, League for Industrial Demo- cracy, Johnny Ferguson, Alpha Gamma Rho, Fern Spolander, Al- pha Delta Gamma, Dorothy An- dris, Phi Mu, Betty Trimble, Kappa, A. and K. Roach, Delta Gam, Mary Jim Barnes, Alpha Gamma Delta, Helen Hawkins, Gamma Phi, Lester Hardy Pax- ton, Acacia, Elmer Sharp, K. A., Sterg Bouleware, Alpha Gamma Sigma, Duke Carrall, Acacia, Lucy Wilson, A. D. Pi, and Ma- rion Keller, Alpha Chi. Having only some twenty pages at our disposal, we won't attempt to recall all the stooges, foils, pawns and figureheads who only tried to find out what it was All About. Piffle Unexpected sight: Ursula Gen- ung, Tri-Delt pres., waiting for somebody and doing her waiting at the Alpha Chi jelly corner, of all places. Maybe she didn't know . . . Johnny Paxton had a strange-looking button on his lapel last week. Another trick org? . . . Rutherford certainly leads a good, queen life. Bet it's "Gotta cold ain'tcha, b i g boy?" all the same after the first three nominations . strange as it may seem, one Journalist, Eddie El- lis, claims to have cinched a news- paper job-and on his home-town paper, too. Strange, a J. school graduate going into journalism We know of a couple of B.J.'s from a year or so back who land- ed jobs in a fish market (like that ?-landed, fish) and are do- ing very nicely in the cod and tuna industry . . . Jo-Jo Johnson used to get himself more public- ity than he has this year. . . by the way, we hear that Jim Freed- man's hair has pretty nearly re- covered from the Beta bob it re- ceived last spring. Losing that cat's-back attitude . . . Tom Brett would be busy bossing the Little Caucus about now if he were here o. . one of the A. D. S. boys had a hard time getting the idea that she didn't wanta at their spring outing, steak fry, or picnic, which ever it was . . . osculation with a red-haired Kappa is desirable, but an advertising class is a poor place for it, Mr. Harold Green Key to Happiness One Gamma Phi found where the only house key was kept. She slipped it out and had a duplicate made and now she has all the privileges, but she is afraid to use it. Sissy. One thing about those lucky Kappas, every girl has a key. Femmes Crashing Two A. D. Pi pledges seemed to have a good time at the Zeta Sigma dance, even though they weren't invited to come down and join in the dancing. The stags flocked to the top of the steps and Burnham and Stephens re- lieved some girl of a few cuts. Getting Her Numeral An A. D. Pi bet her midship- man that the Army beat the Navy at football. She got the pajamas with the number 12345 across the s . . . When the Log issue fea- turing phony femmes appeared, (Continued on page 20) Showme Page Eighteen BROADWAY STORAGE GARAGE Missouri Merry-go- round (Continued from page 4) perience with Jonathon Shultz's Protest boys last year, to trip them up. "As fickle as the Tri-Delt po- litical policy'" is a simile we'd like to get off our chests. The Delta girls, after getting the support of the Unionist faction for the Y.W. C.A. president, reneged when it came to supporting the Unionist ticket in the W.S.G.A. elections. Genung, Tri-Delt prexy, tried to play the game with five aces and fifty-four queens, but she didn't have the girls as completely un- der her control as she thought But enough of them double- crossed the political line along with her to defeat the Unionist candidate. The Deltas are going to wound themselves with that political free-lance some of these days. They remind us of that story about how, when somebody wanted to know why the sun never sets on English soil, an Irishman interjected, "Because God wouldn't trust them in the dark." A lot of people regret the pass- ing of campaign literature, which the Student Council abolished on the urging of Blue Key, service group (yes, that same old ser- vice group whose firm stand on Carideo so influenced the Board of Curators). No more pictures of candidates on which to draw mustaches, beards, broken teeth, and mono- cles. No msore party platforms and campaign promises to which campus wags can append ques- tion marks and add inserted April words. No more scrap paper on which to put class notes or write poetry. How unfamiliar the class- rooms will look at election time without their litter of leaflets and handbills telling you glorious leg- ends of what "our man" will do. Who can forget those slogans such as "A Round Vote Will In- sure a Square Deal," and "Kell- ogg for Kultur." No more will we get out of bed in the morning and see a forest of white, green, yel- low and blue posters tacked to laths, which had mushroomed up in the early hours of the morn. By noon, all that remained was a litter of broken laths and torn poster cards. The urchins-about-town used to have quite a racket of being employed at smart sums to tear down opponents posters. Ere long, though, the kiddies got to working for both sides, so the caucuses let the street-cleaners do the job. We are told that the Kappa Al- pha boys raised an objection to the name "Unionist Party" for the new organization, on the grounds that they are a good old Southern fraternity, and have no place, sur, fo' anything puttainin' to the Union. Dixie lan', Dixie lan', they must be full up with Illinois and New England boys this year. Only a Yankee with a hankering for them ol' Suthen manners would think of such a thing. Put away your swords, boys, you've been reading too many Civil War stories. Maybe they're afraid the Unit- ed Daughters of the Confederacy might not give them the annual Robert E. Lee dinner if they had any doin's with such a party. BANALITIES OF 1934 I don't like dances, Because my chances Of dancing Are few. Too many stags, Not enough hags. But the girls at Missouri Don't have to worry. There's always some sap Who will waltz a lap. And after the mazurker To jelly he'll jerk her. On anything with pants They'll take a chance. But I would really Rather not jelly. It's so asinine. Refrain: I don't like dances, etc. "See that girl over there with the red dress on?" "Yes, I brought her. Why?" "Why-er-a, nice eyelashes, don't you think?" reserve red cat the best times that i ever had were always elegantly bad. puppet Hey, what are you doing? I'm drunk. You're drunk? Yeh, I'm drunk pictures on the wall. cornell widow Did you ever hear a dean talk- ing? Well, we did! snitched Page Nineteen Showme Show (Continued from page 18) she wrote the editor, whose name also happens to be Fisher, what she thought of the publication. His reply was this, "Why not console yourself with the thought that there are always exceptions to the general rule? Even way out in Missouri, you sweet things mean a lot to us." Stuck Receiving a phone call asking for a tow-car at five o'clock one misty morning of late, a local garageman, xhose name ethics precludes our mentioning, drove out to the designated lonely road and found, a car securely mired. It seemed that the couple with- in had parked there the night be- fore, not anticipating the down- pour which was so soon to root them to the spot. The night had been balmy, and the road that stretched away in the moonlight bore no evidence of its muddy possibilities. Then came the deluge, and to their hor- ror they found themselves quick- ly transfixed to Mother Earth. Efforts at pushing were fruit- less, except for leaving both par- ties clothed in loam. Not until the aforementioned hour did they call quits and resort to profes- sional aid. Ah, cruel Nature! "Draw My Bawth!" Morgan Winsborough, pride of the Ad Selling class in Journal- ism, felt the call of spring the oth- er day and wandered home with five pounds of lavendar scented bath salts. Mr. Winsborough, when inter- viewed by a SHOWME report- er, stated that he was well pleased with the results which the lavendar stuff has made on the faltering females who infest our campus. "I feel," said Mr. Winsborough with a gallant wave of his hand, "that I'm going to get my mon- Page Twenty ey's worth from the bath salts. I believe they are worth every bit of the 59c which I paid for them.'" Mr. Winsborough is now hard at work preparing a table which will demonstrate that there is a direct relationship between the amount of the lavendar salts used and the reception accorded by the girl-friend. He refuses to. reveal whether it works by direct or inverse proportion, however. Sing Capping an active year of pro- jects, the Pan-Hellenic Council is backing the Inter-Fraternity Sing, a novelty for Missouri U. Many of the other campuses in our major colleges hold these sings with great success and there is no reason to doubt why this one shouldn't go over and be incorporated as a permanent fea- ture of Missouri U. fraternity life. Jack Shelley, Acacia representa- tive to the Council, is Chairman of the qommitt.ee on the sing. The date, which had been pre- viously set for the 19th, has been shifted to the 26th, due to the Student Government Associaion elections coming on the 20th. Put it down in your book, Around the Columns, 7:30, April 26th. Play Ball The Kappa ball team put it over on the Delta Sigma Phi's to the tune of 21-7 last Saturday. It was a peach of a game with the exponents of the curves on top all the way. We always thought that there were only a few Delta Sigs that could get to first base with the Kappas, but the score proves otherwise. Max- ine Maloney had seven strike- outs to her credit, while the Del- ta Sig battery needed recharging three times. Good old Hortense Peetz, freshly returned from the sunny Florida clime to visit the girls, was in there batting for dear old K. K. G. The Delta Sig's protest- ed her on the grounds that she was a ringer, but they were len- ient for they let that cute little Etling boy play backstop for the Kappas. Scoop! Clap hands! The Scoop Dance is coming to town. After a three year lapse, the Journalists are go- ing to throw their annual Roth- well shindig. It's always a wow, with everybody except the chap- erons past the point of saturation. It's tacky, too. The Engineers will get dressed up in their best and attend. We might put on our cords and sweaters and come dis- guised as Betas. You should have an excellent time, but it's all in the bag. If she will get into the swig of things, you both will ar- rive as potted as a hot-house paln and looking tackier than a left-over suit in a flop-house. Come one, come oiled! Ringo-round-a-Rosie The University authorities, overwhelmed with petitions con- taining seven or eight hundred student names, are reconsidering the case of reinstating Eugene Ringo, Ag student, who protest- ed against taking compulsory military training on the grounds that he was a conscientious ob- jector, and for his refusal to take military was dismissed. How- ever, they have been stalling him off and when it does happen that he is re-instated, it will be rather late for him to continue his stud- ies. Water Torture Delta Sig's Hell Week was considerably aided by Neophyte Cochrane. Banished to sleep in the house bathtub, he inadver- tently pushed on the tap (which one it was makes no difference. for water is of one temperature in fraternity houses after the din- ner hour) and woke up in the morning in a bathtub half full of water. He went over to the hos- pital with a case of flying flu, but is fully recovered now. Showme Big Revival Meeting--- Yes Siree! A new opportunity presented in the same old way! A reinstated tradition is be- ing brought to the minds of each and every one. 'Tis your duty not to let tradition slide-it's a new revival-so come one-come all-to Rothwell Gymnasium around nine on the evening of April 14th, and bring your collection of seventy-five cents to get in. Share in the free food, frivolity, and excitement of The Annual Journalism Scoop Dance Camel Cigarettes