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University of Missouri Showme June, 1936; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1936

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University of Missouri Showme 15 cents "What I Prefer on a Date" Glen Gray" "The New Deal Exposed!" Showme Show Short Stories Radio Cartoons Entertainment Journalism Bridge Number Camel Cigarettes Showme Show More We were all het up at Mistakes first when the STU- DENT came out with mistakes "that will appear in next month's SHOWME." The reason we boined was because we hadn't started this column yet and we wondered where in 'ell they got information about what was to appear here when we hadn't even started gathering stuff. Well-we tried going around vindicating ourselves. "Say, didja see that lie in the Student?" we asked. "Where in the Student" was the answer everyone gave. "The So- ciety column," we came back. "Oh, I never read that"-they told us so we gave up. Hell, there's no use trying to deny a lie that no one even read. The "Eavesdropping" column of theirs is, pretty good. It reported that it was happy to learn that Jean Lightfoot had finally put out Beta Viot's pin. F'gooness sakes -didn't they know that Light- foot has been wearing the pin on her pajamas since the middle of last semester? Jest. And please - - - - why Too Bad don't they run that "Jest Off the Campus" off the campus. When it descends to puns about the Deans and the Cardinals, even our stinted sense of humour feels so, so superior. Oh well, what can you expect from a sheet devoted to Bridge contests and horse-shows? More In casting about for Games good reasons not to study we found our room-mate the other morning playing a re- vised game of "Twenty Ques- tions" with the Showme Radio Manager. It's a fine game-in fact it's so fine we got into: it and played from morning till one a. m. The idea is for one person to think of a famous figure-either dead or alive. The guesser then may ask twenty question-an- swerable by either yes or no. The object is to guess who the famous figure is. The first question is us- ually-"Is he a man?" The sec- ond-"Is he dead ?"-then you go on to discover the person's oc- cupation and narrow it down un- til you can guess the name. The game is an engrossing one.-Yes -quite engrossing-we didn't get the Econ lesson but we did guess the doggone name-it was Admiral Dewey. Lights Al (Scholar) Londe was Out seated very close to Louise Caffey (A.D.Pi) the other day at Gaeb's andi didn't know what to ido when the waiter in- sisted on turning the lights on. "Leave 'em off"-yelled Londe, and Miss Caffey wanted 'em off too. So the waiter finally left 'em off. Then the next day Caffey walked into Gaeb's with another date and when asked whether she wanted the lights on or off, an- swered ,"Oh, you can leave them on now ,but not when I'm with -" here she glanced at the new date, "but not when I'm in that other booth. You know what I mean." Yes, we know what she meant. Grab We really shouldn't print It! this next. But if we don't the other person, the one who told it to us, will tell everyone on the campus sooner or later anyhow. It seems the guy what told it to us is' quite sure about how Louis- ine Sadler (Theta) got Tieman's pin. The report is that after the Leap Year dance Louisine was jellying with her date-the same Tieman, when she suddenly got the Amazon urge and she upped and grabbed 'his pin from him. And so she's wearing it. Just like that-easy wasn't it? Nighty Did you ever see Pat Night Martineau getting ready for a night's sleep? No, we didn't either-but the story is that Pat -pride of the Tri-Delt perennial pledges-wears flannel night- gowns and a little baby cap on her head. And to think of how many romantic thoughts we've had of Pat . Before we heard of this, of course. We can picture a guy proposing to her. "Pat, I love you. In spite of your flannel nighties, I love you. Will you marry me?" Cold Earl Forrester (A.T.O.), Winter piano slapper at Harris' is still shivvering. He was hired by some ice-cream maker to do something or other in the plant. Earl took the job and the first thing he had to do was go into the icebox to get some ice-cream. The refrigerator was an intricate affair-sort of an ice-box within (Continued on page 2) page one Chapter Meeting .minutes by St. Robert Showme Show (Continued from page 1) an ice-box. Well, he got himself into the inner chamber and slam- med the door behind him-of course the thing opened from the outside. The temperature was twenty below zero in there and Earl, after ten minutes, felt like an amateur Byrd. He yelled, screamed, bounced himself against the door-all to no avail. Luckily he found the gadget to shut off the cold air, but those boxes don't warm up quickly. To make things worse-ice started forming around the cracks be- tween the door and the wall of the box and Earl prepared to spend .a cool summer. To give the story a happy ending-which you knew all the time would come- another worker came and rescued our hero. Who said nothing ever happened in Columbia? ? ? ? More! We wonder what this Games campus would do with- out the Tri-Delts. When they're in Gaebe's the whole place seems to revolve about them. And at Harris' - the other afternoon Martineau, Ohnemus and, some others with their dates proceed- ed to start a game of "London Bridge's Falling Down" right up on the dance floor-and the poor Stephens girls just stood and watched-wondering what it takes to be popular. With R. C. Prewitt (Beta) was Love a sight to behold while trying to think of a note to at- tach to the corsage he was send- ing his Stephens girl for the Kreutzberg recital. What can one put on those damn corsages any- how? A Walk For some reason or Out other we can't figure Wheezy Theis (PiPhi prexy) out. After the Leap Year dance, she took her date Dave Trusty (Sig Chi) out to the Pennant. Sudden- ly, after they had sipped their (Continued on page 5) page two Chapter I Now the day of Chapter meet- ing drew nigh, which was the time of agony for the actives. 2. And the Chief arose after he had partook of stale bread and bad coffee and he saith to the un- holy group: 3. Behold, tonight there shall be a meeting; betake yourselves to the dirty upper room poorly furnished and there make you ready. 4. And when the hour was come, a multitude of twelve gath- ered together in the upper room, there to await the Master. Chapter II Suddenly he who was called Chief stood in the midst of them. 2. He saith: Hello, mugs. They paid him no heed. 3. What business have ye this evening, the Master asketh. And the silence bode evil. 4. Then he asketh: Who will give me a cigarette? 5. He who sat in the wash bowl spoke: I have but one; this I will reluctantly share with thee. And so it came to pass. 6. One whose name was Sim- on of the House of Legree crawl- ed from under the bed and cross- ed to the Chief. Lying his head on the Master's busom, he said: Oh, sire, I have a bone to pick. 7. And the Chief saith: Pick fast, oh Simon; we wish to get out of here. Chapter III And Simon spoke: Verily I say unto you, there is one among you who hath put salt and sundry things in my bed. May the work- er of iniquity hie himself to Satan. 2. And the unholy group said one to another with smirks on their countenances: Can it be I? 3. And the Chief softly saith to Simon: Go in peace. 4. And so it came to pass. Chapter IV Turning to the group, the Chief asked: Who will give unto me a match? 2. He who had been lying on the dresser dropped to the floor. He exclaimeth: Oh, Master, here is thy match. Save for me the butt. 3. The four who had been shooting craps in the corner emerged to confess: Chief, we have dates at eight; we must leave thee forsooth. And so it came to pass. 4. The Master asketh of the remaining multitude: And you, my frans? 5. He who was snoring on the bed awoke to mutter: Make mine scotch. And he who cleaneth his fingernails spake up: Draw two. Chapter V The Chief saith: If there be no new business, we shall continue with the old business of last meeting. 2. And the cards were dealt and the chips were counted out. 3. And the eight gathered about the table to wager a few pieces of silver. 4. The Chief, who had the deal, asked: Who can open? 5. And they answered in div- ers tongues: Not I. 6. And so it came to pass. Bob Hannon "I wear this gown only to teas," said the debutante. "When?" "Not when. Whom." Michigan Gargoyle Prince Albert Tobacco Missouri Showme editorial mcuthinms Jack Hackethorn, dance chair- man of the student government association tells us that Joe Ven- uti and his band have been en- gaged for the coming Savitar Ball to be held in Rothwell Gym March 7 and to whom ever they are due we extend hearty con- gratulations. It is nice to think that after these many years the halls of old Mizzou are going to shimmy to the music of a real "name" band-and Venuti is that. His band is right at the top of the toppers and he has come all the way from 'way out west in Los Angeles where he and his gang broke all attendance rec- ords at the Palomar. Singing with Venuti is the trio that ap- peared recently in the Bing Cros- by picture "Anything Goes" and they are nice to listen to-some might even like to send a glance or two their way. To answer the question so oft- en heard, "What shall I do on a date" Showme comes to the rescue. Dave Dexter, Bob Han- non, and Merrill Panitt hung on the pbone many an hour getting the whims of the femmes so that you and you and, well maybe even you, may utterly disregard their wishes and be known as be- ing "so different." Dave Dexter ywrites of the rise of the Orange Blossom boys to the status of the Casa Loma Or- chestra and; explains the continu- ed rise of the Glen Gray troupe after it became the first incorp- orated band. 0. 0. McIntyre Godfather E. Richstein Richard Englander Editor Business Manager EDITORIAL STAFF W. Hayes, Assistant Virginia Montague, Kay Ann Bowling Exchange Managers BUSINESS STAFF Merrill Panitt, Assistant Zchna Lawrence, Advertising Manager Ira Kohn, Circulation Manager Sid Schultz, Assistant CONTRIBUTORS Bob Hannon C. C. Condon Merrill Panitt Warren Porterfield Roy Feinberg Dave Dexter H. Kraushaar RADIO STAFF Roy N. Feinberg, Radio Manager Edmund Turner, Announcer Phil Wilson and His Band, Music John Sneeberger, Sports KFRU Staff, Engineers Genevieve Tipton, Roy Feinberg, Merrill Panitt, Continuity and Dialogue George W. Palmer, Sound Effects 0 Merrill Panitt brings to light the real facts behind the actions of the "New Deal Exposed" and shows us how the college profs not only make our lives miserable but have the national government under their thumb-well it is no more than we suspected all along. Warren Porterfield makes his first appearance in Showme with "Carnival" "a short story about the "twitch dancers" and the life they lead. What with college girls heckling them and all it makes a good tale. Incidentally, Mr. Porterfield writes the most appealing letters that Showme has received for some time and it is to be suspected that even had the story been worse we would have printed it anyway- such appealing letters-well. More Mouthings- Roy Feinberg, Showme Radio Plagiarist, sneaks behind the scene of "Big Time" radio and tells of how he-men blow bubbles in glasses of water to make back- ground noises for the love scenes. Our friend Foinbearugh (whose name we insist on mispelling each time we print it) tells us that the data was collected as he visited Radio City a few short weeks ago-which is probably a lie. This fellow Hannon continues to come around and this time he had a short story of love in the Midwest among the college folk. We still wonder why it had to be raining throughout the story but then authors will be authors. Oh yes, the title .of the thing is "It Took Time." Again let it be known that there is a need fori new contribu- tors and Old Showme holds its leafy arms to pray that some new writers and artists will come to make marks upon the pages. These aspirants to fame may get in touch with the editor in his cozy home (rent not yet paid) in Frederick apartment 109 and those with acceptable material will be greeted in the manner most fitting to the individual-if the neighbors don't complain. And we hear it rumored that a list is being kept by The Office of "those who drink" so watch thy step and avoid insult-your name may be omitted. VOLUME V ENTERTAINMENT, 1936 NO. 6 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1934 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to (OleHumor Editorial office, 903 Richmond Avenue; business office, 500 Rollins; office of publication, Herald-Statesman Publishing Co., Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; post- age must be enclosed for return. page four Showme Show (Continued from page 2) cokes, Wheezy got up, grabbed Jack Krause and Eleanor Neff and dashed out to Trusty's car. And then she drove off, leaving Trusty alone with his thoughts. An hour or so later, Krause bor- rowed some money to take a cab out to get Trusty who was unpre- pared for the event. The next day Trusty called at the Pi Phi house to get his ignition key from Wheezy. Our snoops can't find out yet why she did it-but then -who can tell why Wheezy Theis does anything? * Some gals just can't be happy. Take the A. Chi O.'s for example. Some of the girls are all het up because there are five steady date-ers in the house. The five are apportioned among the Kappa Sig, D. U., Phi Delt, and K. A. houses, and an Independent. The other sistern -those not going steady, finally pushed through a ruling that there is to be no more "steady-dating" in the good old Alpha Chi Omega house. The ruling, of course, is causing a lot more friction- which is far from desirable in a sorority -any sorority. Last month we published an article about one Independent Mary Helen Hirshfield who was sent plane fare over Christmas by a California boy friend who had to spend Christmas with her. And now-Mary Helen has left town. -and she's left for California, to stay. The morning she left she had six jelly dates; every half hour she would tod- dle into Gaebe's and jelly for twenty-five minutes-and then she'd leave to get another. Good luck Mary Helen-how's the weather out there? Our remarks may be a bit belated but we feel obligated to mention something about the J. Show. To be very frank it was much better than we had expect- ed. We didn't credit Clair Callihan and Paddy McCloud with the talents we now know they possess. Luckily, we caught the last performance (after running about for two days trying to get passes for the thing), and' we were genuinely pleased to find that the J. school could turn out something . . . well, SOME- THING. Here's hoping the shoW becomes an annual event and that they are kept as free from filth as "Two to Tahiti" did. * We hereby award the crocheted ear- muffs for the most novel excuse of the year, to Leland Sparks (SigChi transfer from K. U.). The background for the story is that Leland started an exten- sion course once and never finished it- in fact he never got beyond the first les- sion. Feeling very gay about it all, the lad went down to collect his money back from the Extension Division, little knowing that payments there are never refunded. Thinking fast, Sparks let out this honey-"Well, I spent the summer sixty miles north of Nome, Alaska, and it was impossible for me to send in my lessons because all our sleigh-dogs got sick."-Yeah, he got his money back. Bill Birsner, the Canadian Independ- ent, who's been dating only the "bettah" gals lately had the shock of his life the other night. In the cab, taking his Digy pledge home, he gently placed his arm about her shoulder. "Say," she sniffed, "you're some fast worker, aren't you?"- Well, maybe it was coming to him be- cause a few days later he had a date with another of the Anchor tribe, and, getting to the logical point in his stan- dard line, he stretched his fingers out on the table and cooed into the gal's ear-"Have you ever seen such beauti- ful hands on a boy?" Wahoops!!! Beech Nut Gum page five QUICK--ARED ONE By C. C. CONDON " Clerk, I want to buy'a tooth- brush-hard bristles, please. Col- or?-well let me see. Red. Yes, red is the color-Isn't it, John? Oh, but I'm certain that mine is red and yours is orange-you re- member mine is the red one hang- ong on the left side of the cabi- net. Well, I know that you usu- ally get a red one, but last time, don't you remember, we changed colors because I received a red one in the little toilet set Agnes gave me. But John I'm positive it's red. How silly. Don't keep the man waiting. Principle of the thing really-why, how absurd. I do not. What do you mean? Don't rant so, John. Heavens it's nothing to make a scene about. Clerk give me a red toothbrush. "John! I still want a red tooth- brush. Stop pushing me. John, do you hear me-and don't push the clerk. There is a policeman. Sh-h-h, John, be quiet. John please don't scream so-heavens you would think that choosing the color of a toothbrush was one of life's major problems. Now don't be sarcastic. Well, what if I have used your toothbrush. No, I want a red one or I'll let them turn as black as your nasty tem- per. John don't scream. That policeman is watching you. You don't care! No, I will not give in-I'm going to have to have my was once in a while. I WANT A RED TOOTHBRUSH. Red. Red. Red. Will you be quiet now -here comes that policeman. You're such a fool, John-why can't I get a red toothbrush and get out of here before you start trouble. "No officer really-now don't strike him, he bruises and I'll pace aix have to stay up half of the night rubbing him with liniment. But really he isn't a Red. We're sim- ply buying a toothbrush. I am not being silly and we most cer- tainly are not communists or whatever it is that you call them. A red one-toothbrush. But of- ficer I am . . . "Did he hurt you John? Real- ly officer, you shouldn't have hit him so hard and I promise you- but I promise you. But we don't want to go to the station. We're law abiding citizens-both dis- liked the N.R.A. and never vote. But officer . "Quick, Clerk-a RED tooth- brush!" The Kate Smith borrower- Hell, owe everybody. POLITICS AGAIN Recently a set of twins, respec- tively, Hoover and Roosevelt, be- came somewhat mixed in the hos- pital and a doctor was called in to solve the problem. He bent over the crib and finally straightened up, pointed out the one on the left, and said, "That one's Roose- velt-he's done something." Cornell Widow Sir, may I have your daughter for my wife? Bring your wife around and I'll see. "Mr. Jones left his umbrella again. I do believe he'd lose his head if it were loose." "I dare say you're right. I heard him say only yesterday that he was going to Colorado for his lungs." Lehigh Burr Girls who talk less Have to walk less Punch Bowl *"NOW, DAMIT, DICK ARMSTRONG WOULD NEVER BE LIKE THIS ! Bored Walk THE NEW DEAL EXPOSED! By MERRILL PANITT The New Deal has been explain- ed to suit every political belief. "Roosevelt is a Capitalist!" say the Communists. "He is a Fas- cist!" say the Socialists. "He's a Communist" say the Republicans -and so on and on. The most despicable accusation has been that the President is a tool of big business. We-we who know- deny all this. He is not a tool of capitalistic interests, he is not a Socialist, a Fascist, nor is he a Communist. We know what he is-and we challenge all Sedition Acts here and now. We are go- ing to expose Roosevelt and his New Deal. This article then, be- ing in the form of an essay, must proceed slowly. We shall start at the logical beginning-the New Deal. What does the New Deal af- fect? It affects-to use the titles of our University courses-Eco- nomics, Transportation, Money Credit and Banking, Sociology, Social Legislation, Social Case Work I, II, and III, American Government, American History, Recent U. S. History, Labor Problems (not the one in the Med. School), Labor Unions, Statistics, American Ideals, American Constitution, Munici- pal Government, and many oth- ers. Now then, since we can fit the names of University courses into the results of the New Deal, does it not seem evident that the Uni- versities played some part in the New Deal? "Ah," you say, "the brain trust." Exactly, the brain trust. Where does it fit into. politics-? We'll tell you. The Amalgamated Union of College Professors and Twelfth Edition Printers-Local No. 1101, met in 1932 at the same time the Democrats were nominating a candidate for the presidency. The meeting will always be important in the annals of the Amalgamated Union of College Professors and Twelfth Edition Printers, Local No. 1101. The presiding officer- Prof. U. Gotta Buyit, made the keynote address. "Gentlemen," he began, "my conscience is troubling me. Dur- ing the last fifteen years I have had fourteen different editions of my text books printed. Of course, my classes bought the new edi- tions. The only changes I made were the writing of a new intro- duction and the switching of the chapter numbers so that a stu- dent with an old edition would become hopelessly confused in following the assignments and would flunk the course. Now gentlemen, now that I am grow- ing old-I think of what I've done. Gentlemen-I can't go on having new editions printed un- less I make some changes in the content of my books. After all there must be some justification for a new edition-" At this point, cries of "Sissy," "Scairty-Cat," and "Rubber- Spine" were heard from the as- sembled dignitaries. "Gentlemen," Professor U. Gotta Buyit went on, "unless something is done I must resign my position as presiding officer of the Amalgamated Union of College Professors and Twelfth Edition Printers Local No. 1101. With this, the aged educator sat down. The professor was really well- liked in general by the union. He was a kind old duck. After all, he had been a pioneer in the field of printing new editions for no good reason except a few sheckels in the prof's pocket. To make a long story short, the boys got togeth- er and figured out a plan to please Professor U. Gotta Buyit. The plan was simply this: defi- nite changes in the government of the country were to be made. This would ease the professors' consciences because they would have good reason for bringing out new editions. This, my friends, was the birth of the New Deal. You noticed, of course, that the new deal measures were timed perfectly. The N.R.A. was pass- ed-a new edition of a text was printed. A few months elapsed and then the A.A.A. came out- and with it a new edition. And so it was with the F.E.R.A., P. W.A., W.P.A., T.W.A., C.C.C., C.W.A., and the rest. The pro- fessors made money hand over fist and the students paid, and paid, and paid. But-and this is the lowest trick of all-was the Amalga- mated Union of College Profes- sors and Twelfth Edition Print- ers, Local No. 1101 satisfied with its accomplishments ? No-a thou- sand times no. At another meet- (Continued on page 23) page sevan CARNIVAL! I T was a big carnival-ferris wheels, concessions, gambling games, strip acts, and everything else that composes a midway. The carnival manager had chos- en to pitch his show in this little city because it was a college town; he knew there would be plenty of suckers. Night had fallen over the car- nival lot, and strings of lights blazed. Crowds of people milled and tramped around the midway; gazing at Jo-Jo, the dog-faced boy; gaping at the hula dancers; playing games where the oddds were a thousand to one against them. People trickled in a steady stream toward the ferris wheels to shove dimes through the "how many" window of ticket-box; a shriveled little fellow collected tickets and operated the boob- hoister. The largest crowd was gather- ed at the north end of the mid- way. Here was the hula show: a dopey-looking mandolin player; two scantily clad girls shivering in the chill windi; a bizarre can- vas back-drop illustrated with page eight semi-nude females; and a loud- mouthed barker: "Come see Princess lona, folks, who has danced before the Crowned Heads of Europe. Both the little ladies are muscle dan- cers! They haven't got a bone in their bodies. The price of admis- sion is one qua-tah . . . ." A large crowd peered and craned to catch a glimpse of the girls on the platform. The crowd -composed of plow jockeys in from the farm, college "smooth- ies," and town gentry-snickered. The two dancers-one lumpy and fat like an old, over-stuffed davenport, the other still possess- ing a few remnants of former beauty despite hollow cheeks and blue-circled eyes-swayed and Warren Porterfield kept time to the erratic rhythm of the mandolin player. The fat dancer chuckled, "Quite a gathering of peasants this evening. These hay mow routes and kerosene circuits al- ways pay well. The take oughta be good." The other dancer shivered a bit as a chill wind blew around her bare legs and said, "Yeah." "What's the matter, girlie, get- tin' tired of your job?" snickered the overstuffed davenport. "Shut up!" The barker finished his spiel, and the yokels began digging in their pockets and buying tickets. The dancers twitched a few times, kicked their legs, emitted an American version of a South Sea Island screech, and vanished inside the patched tent. The tent filled rapidly; the show was about to begin. Outside the ticket seller rubbed his hands and counted the gate receipts. In- side the mandolin player scratch- ed his head and wished he had, a drink. Some late arrivals came through the tent door-four girls swathed in furs, as the saying goes. Like four austere queens they made their regal entrance. They sniffed, edged their way through the plebian folk, sniffed, pushed up to the front row, and sniffed. Quite evidentally they were "Out slumming." The girls tapped their dainty toes restlessly', "surveyed the crowd as if thl~dugh pince-nez glasses, and waited for the show to begin. The mandolin player flipped his cigarette, strummed a few notes, and the hula dancers, the muscle dancers, came out. Lady Godiva would have felt over-dressed had she seen the costumes. The fat dancer went into her dance. The slim dancer forced a smile on her lips and started to work; started earning her bread and butter. The fur-coated girls in the front row began to exercise that old adage that women are all sis- ters under the skin. (The good liquors in their stomachs has be- gun to thaw them out a bit). In voices loud enough so that she could hear, they began ribbing and insulting the tall dancer. "Rilleh, that dance is degrad- ing and the woman disgusting, don't you think?" yelped fur coat number one. "Terribly so! Just what form of animal is that executing the bit of-er-of dance?" said fur coat number two. "That," loudly gushed fur coat number three, "is a lady." (Continued on page 21) "Big Time" What would you think if you looked through a glass door and saw the following scene? . . Two actors are standing before a microphone and speaking, al- though you cannot hear them through the glass panel . . . . . They seem to be either nervous or careless, though, for they are dropping pages of the script onto the floor every once in awhile. Their feet are practically sub- merged in paper and yet they go right on . Then there is a very serious looking man in a corner. He is also standing before a mic- rophone, but he seems to be do- ing the silliest things. When you first noticed him he was beating his hands on his chest, then be became a bit more ridiculous by tapping on a cereal box with a small stick, and then, to go the extreme, he blew through a straw into a glass of water and created quite a bubbling. The two actors are a puzzle to you. One seems to have his heart and soul in his work and the oth- er seems disinterested. It's all really very simple, af- ter three or four explanations. The actors are dropping the pages on the floor so that they will not make any unnecessary noise by turning them. They use special paper that does not rattle, but dropping them on the floor is an added precaution. The man in the corner is a sound-effect man, who always has a separate "mike" on a big pro- gram. You were lucky you saw him at all, for on some programs the sound-effect man works off- stage to add more realism to, the play. Those things he was. doing are clever means of producing sound- effects. Tapping a cereal box with a stick sounds like explosions over a "mike," and beating the hands rhythmically on the chest sounds, like galloping horses . . . You want to know why he was blowing through a straw into a glass of water? . He was pro- ducing the sound of a stream of rippling water . ! If you're at all astonished, don't be . . . . You ought to see him when he crumples cellophane to produce the sound of fire, to say nothing of when he jumps all over a pile of strawberry boxes to sound like someone breaking in a door. Don't ever expect to see him doing a train or an automobile, though. Sound-effect men don't bother with stuff like that any more. Records of the actual noise are more realistic and are much easier to handle. If you should happen to ask any sound-effect man how he pro- duces the sound of a door closing or opening you would be sur- prised. There is only one way of reproducing the sound of a door opening and that is using an ac- tual door, which is what he does. It's only a miniature, being a foot high, but it does the trick. To get back to the actors again, you will soon find the rea- son for the apparent insincerity of one compared to the other. There's a perfectly good explana- tion of that . One is a season- ed veteran of the stage, who will never get over the habit of ac- companying his words with ges- tures, while the apparently insin- cere actor has only only done radio work and is used to putting all of his emotion into his voice and not wasting any energy on motions which are not seen any- how . You may wonder why the ac- tors don't take it easy and sit down as long as there isn't an actual audience. You've seen some of the actors at your local radio station do it once in awhile. Then you find out a fine point. In fact it's so fine that only Radio City would be thorough enough to bother about it . . . . Actors who are portraying intense emo- tions sound more natural when they are standing up. Sitting tends to make the voice sound at ease. The two actors are dressed in street clothes as there is no aud- ience, but if you should chance to wander into some of the other studios where audiences are pres- ent you would find that the ac- tors in these programs often dress the part. This is to add to the realism and to put the direct audience into a more receptive mood. Ed Wynn always man- aged to get a laugh from the crowd when he came running out in his fireman's hat . Then you notice the orchestra. You find out that it is one of the most sensitive things on the pro- gram to deal with. Six or more microphones have to be used to do a large orchestra justice. The size of the orchestra is the cause of this. Very few of the big or- chestra leaders use their original band alone over the air. Rudy Vallee's band, for instance, is augmented by about fifteen extra pieces. The extra pieces are us- ually strings or brass, which broaden the scope of the orches- tra sufficiently to handle the spe- cial arrangements concocted by a staff of highly-paid note jugglers. (Continued on page 20) page nine FROM OUR CONTEMPORARIES. *"I'VE BEEN WRITING SHORTHAND FOR YEARS." Kitty Kat A dumb sailor entered a ladies' specialty shop and told the young lady behind the counter that he wanted a blouse for his wife. "What bust?" asked th-e girl. "I don't know," exclaimed the tar, "I didn't hear anything." Shipmate * A pledge becomes a full fledged fraternity man when he can put on his socks from either end. -Widow One day little Audrey's Moth- er came into the kitchen where little Audrey was cutting off her little brother's fingers and toes and putting them into the frying pan and little Audrey's mother just laughed and laughed on ac- count of she didn't know little Audrey could cook. -Sour Owl Phi Delt pledge: Now that I've pledged, do I have to get drunk, too? -Exchange page ten "I pulled a good one that time," remarked the Ag student as he finished milking the cow. Wataugan "There isn't a single well-built girl in the Kan- sas University sororities. "How do you know, they always keep their shades drawn?" "That's how I know." Colgate Banter "What nationality are you?" "Pole." "Migad, run! Here comes a dog !" -Punch Bowl Some people's idea of getting down to bedrock is making love to a girl in a stone quarry. -Varieties *"AREN'T YOU GOING TO NOTICE SOMETHING DIFFER- ENT ABOUT ME TONIGHT?" Bored Walk IT TOOK TIME By Bob Hannon Rain pittered against the win- dows of the Gamma sorority house. A brilliant flash of light- ning lit up the dim corners of the spacious living room and the ensuing clap of thunder drowned out the voices of the two figures on the couch. "What a night !" Betty's voice trailed off in a shiver. "Yeah, what a night!" The agreement came in Phil's deep tones. "We could stroll among the rain drops, but some ancestor of mine committed a gruesome murder on a stormy night and to this day every member of our tribe has been afflicted with hy- drophobia. Yeah, that's a fear of water." Phil continued, "By the way, my roomie tells me he is hitting it off with Janey these days. Here I've been going with you all year and I never did get around to in- troduce Jerry to your roommate." After another powerful peal of thunder echoed through the room, Betty's voice was heard. "It's odd that Jerry and Jane haven't met until lately. 'Way last fall Jane wanted to meet Jerry and asked me if the four of us couldn't get together. I don't know why we never did." "Jerry asked me the same thing," Phil mused aloud. "The first time he saw Jane on the cam- pus, his eyes popped out of his head. Then when I told him she was your roommate, he nearly threw a fit. For days he begged me to fix him up with a date, but something always turned up to interfere." Two cigarettes glowed in the darkness. Phil's chuckle broke the short silence. "When I think of the wild tales Jerry'd bring home, I have to laugh. He continually talked about Jane; she was in nearly all his classes, you know." "And how well I know it," Bet- ty broke in. "It's a wonder he didn't flunk out at the semester. He never knew what the prof had lectured about, but he could tell in detail how many times she turned her head, how often she yawned, what she did and how she did it. The poor sap was head over heels in love with Jane all the time, but wouldn't speak to the girl." "I know that too," Betty join- ed. "Jane would tell me all about it. From the way she'd rave, Jerry was the only one in the class." "Would Janey come home an pour out the same sad plight to you?" Phil's voice held a cu ious note. "I thought it w_. one-sided affair." "Why, 1 thought Jane was the one on the merry-go-round. All I heard from morning "till night was 'Jerry did this today', or 'gee, he's nice looking', or 'wish he'd speak to me'." "This is beginning to sound funny," Phil laughed. "One day I asked Jerry, 'Why don't you get together with Jane if you're so nuts about her?' He gave me an awesome stare. "Me with her! Don't be foolish. She's one of the most popular girls on the campus, one of the queens. I wouldn't have a chance'. So he went on worshipping her without giving her a tumble." Betty was also laughing. "Why that dumb clunk! All he had to do was say the word and Jane would have jumped. Say, did Jer- ry ever say anything about the time he dashed out into, the traf- fic on Main Street after Jane's hat?" "Yeah, with minute descrip- tion. How did you know about it?" / "Oh, Jane glibbered for hours. They must have held quite a con versation, with Jerry mumblinL 'Here's your hat', and Jane smil- ing her best 'Thank you'; then Jerry dashing away like the devil was after him." "Jerry confessed how he wait- ed for an hour for Jane to come out of the library, and when she did, he got cold feet and nearly tripped over a crack in the side- walk getting away from there." "What did he want, a gilt edged invitation to speak to her? She did everything a girl could do without be called brazen. She dropped her books when he was passing; turned a corner to bump into him accidently, and wasted a lot of smiles on the back of his neck, but he wouldn't get a hint if it was wrapped' in a brick and bounced off his skull!" Phil came to the defense of his roommate. "That was just it! Jerry told me how Jane had open- ly flirted with him, but he thought she was one of these pop- ular girls who wanted to add an- other victim to her long string of conquests. Seemed he couldn't be happy anyway. If she gave him an opening, he'd rant 'all women are alike'; but .when she passed him up withl a glance, he'd moan something about being 'in love with a star out of reach'." A match flickered as the two lit fresh cigarettes. Wind drove the rain peltering against the window panes. Betty put into words the question running through Phil's mind'. "Wonder how they finally got togther ?" (Confinued on page 18) page eleven NOTES TO YOU This business of scribling notes in li- brary rooms ought to be stopped. Not only does it mar the beauty of format, but it is a definite distraction to the reader. Not long since I was reading Check- hov's notebook. One of the notes sketched an idea for a short story: "Paved was a cook for' forty years; he loathed the things he cooked and he never ate." Some profound body had written in the margin, "How did he live?" I would have read on undisturbed, but someone else had written under- neath the first note, "Yes, how did he live? He had to eat SOMETIME didn't he." Well, now, that's a fair question, and I'll admit I was stumped. In fact, I turned in the book and didn't eat myself for three days. (I've heard of people, though, who NEVER ate themselves.) It was long before I decided to take another book out of the Library. This time it was a philisophical tome. I hadn't gone far when I came across the first note. It was in the margin of a scholastic and ponderous passage "What the hell does this mean?" it said, "This is the worst book I have ever read " Underneath, in red ink, was written, "This is all very clear, Nincom- poop " Ha, ha, I thought, that's that. The next time I borrowed the book, though, I found that that hadn't been that. The writer of the first note had a rebutal. It was simple and to the point. He merely wrote, "Who,me?" Thereafter I turned the book in and bor- rowed it repeatedly. Red Ink had an- swered, "Yes you" and the Nincom- poop had issued a challenge to duel, when I thought someone ought to in- tervene, so I wrote, "Now, now boys." I was shocked, and on my next reading, to see that I hadn't been in the least appreciated. The Nincompoop had scribbled, "You keep your filthy mug out of this!" And then the time and place for the duel was set. Well, there is nothing for me to do but be there, so there I was. It was a Tuesday at five o'clock in the morning. The sun was already up, it being late in the year. The duel was scheduled at five-thirty, and by five-fifteen there was a good crowd gathered. "Evident- ly others have been reading the book," I muttered. At five-thirty up came a strapping lad, firmly built and extremely confi- dent. From the opposite direction came a pretty little miss, also extremely con- fident. Everyone was amazed, the Nin- compoop not excepted. Dazed, he stut- tered, "Are . are you Red Ink?" Yes, that's the way it was. Naturally noth- ing was done in the way of duelling, so we all went home to breakfast. I thought that would end the affair, but the other day I borrowed the book to reminisce. Nincompoop had written, "Will you marry me?" and Red Ink had answered, "Yes, you Nincompoop l" I found out that, although there were no invitations sent, there were five hundred people at the wedding. Exchange. Pleasant to know, Gorgeous to see, Heaven to kiss, But not for me. Her lips are red, Her eyes are blue, Her dress is black, And she is, too. Pointer Will Power-The ability to eat one salted peanut. The Owl "I'm an English major." "Oh, I just adore military men." Exchange * Little Bo-Peep Is losing sleep Running around to dances- Leave her alone and she'll come home, A victim of circumstances Exchange A student at the University of Missis- sippi handed in the following as the principal parts of any Latin verb: Slippeo, slippere, falli, bumptus. The returned paper contained the fol- lowing corrections: Falio, failere, fluncto, suspendum. Kitty-Kat She doesn't drink, She doesn't pet, She doesn't go To college yet. Exchange She: And will you never stop loving me? He: Well, I've got an eight o'clock class in the morning. The Owl Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world? A bartender, my boy. Punch Bowl We always laugh at the prof's jokes, No matter what they be; Not because they are funny, boys, But it's darn good policy. Phoenix College Boy---Say, what's your hurry? Second idiot-I've got a date with a chiffonier and I'm late. C. B.-A chiffonier? Say, do you know what a chiffonier is? It's a classy dresser with drawers. S. I.-Well? Purple Parrot *"DEVELOPMENT OF A PHI BETA KAPPA." Chapparal page twelve CASA LOMA, INC. BY DAVE DEXTER It hasn't been so long ago . . . Remember? Most of us here were in high school back in the home-town; the stock market had just flop- ped; Lon Chaney was at the peak of his career; old-timers said it was the worst winter in forty years; we were all singing "Tip- toe Through The Tulips" and "Broadway Melody"- And about the same time there was organized in Detroit a dance orchestra that had something dif- ferent to offer in the way of rhy- thm. The boys called themselves the Orange-Blossom band and were being booked by Jean Gold- kette, at that time the monarch of the Middle-West as far as dance engagements were con- cerned. There were ten men in the band, and they put up a swell front and dished out some mighty fine music wherever they played. Their arrangements had a distinc- tive style that dancers went wild about, so as a result of their pop- ularity Goldkette succeeded in placing the Orange-Blossoms in- to the luxurious Casa Loma Ho- tel in Toronto, Canada, which was being opened under American management. It was an ideal set-up, but not for long. After a few months had passed it was found that the over- head expense of an establishment the size of the Cast Loma wa- far too great to insure any degree of financial success, even if the place did a peak business continually, so it was decided by the manage- ment to abandon the project. So back to the road went the d i s c o u r aged Orange-Blossom band, but this time with a new name: The Casa Loma Orches- tra. They played colleges and ballrooms all over the Middle- West, and their popularity stead- ily increased as they became bet- ter known. It was on this tour that the boys' decided to legally incorporate as the Casa Loma Or- chestra and set out for them- selves. The result was the elec- tion of Glen Gray, giant first sax man, as president of the corpora- tion. "PEE-WEE HUNT" F. C. O'Keefe, a prominent or- chestra booker in New York, be- came interested in the Casa Loma organization and was soon after- wards elected to membership in the corporation. He then brought the band east and found engagements for them there, al- though the "worst depression in history" was at its height. Although the Casa Loman' had never played the territory before, they became a sensation overnight. For 101 consecutive weeks, an all-time record, the boys traveled on the road, play.- ing more college dances than any band in the business had ever played before. Then, in 1933, the "big break' came. The management ot the tamous Gien Island Casino, lo- cated only a few miles outside New York, engaged the unit for tne summer, and with tnis choice location came a regular series of radio broadcasts over the net- work of the Columbia Broad- casting System. Although it was the first radio experience for the boys, they became a big favorite with ether audiences just as they had been with dancers in the East and Middle West. From the Casino the group went to the beautiful Colonnades Room of the Essex House in New York City and simultaneously signed a contract with the manu- facturers of Camel cigarettes to be featured on a commercial pro- gram two nights each week over a nation-wide network of the Co- lumbia broadcasting system. The original contract called for a thir- teen week program, but the amazing increase in the sale of Camels caused the sponsors to eagerly renew the contract for an additional thirteen week pe- riod. This took the program through the winter and spring and to a return summer's engage- ment at the Glen Island resort. In the meanwhile, the name of Casa Loma was appearing with surprising regularity on Bruns- wick and Decca phonograph rec- ords. Their arrangements of "Wild Goose Chase," "White Jazz," "Dance of the Lame Duck," "Chinatown," and other popular swing ditties were being sold as fast as they could be made and issued to music dealers all over the country. The manner in which the sorority, fraternity, and independent lodges in Co- lumbia squandered their house bill receipts for the wax disks is evidence enough of the unrivalled popularity of the recordings (Continued on page 19) page thirteen What I Prefer on a Date EVIE FORMAN-Pi Phi 1 would rather dance than any- thing else, preferrably some good frat dance. I also like to go horse-back riding and hiking with a date, and it is not necessary for him to have a car or be over- flowing with money. He must be good-looking, well dressed, po- lite, considerate and mannered. I hate a sloppy looking fellow and detest these so-called "witty" dates, but he must be able to car- ry on an interesting conversation. MABEL COLEMAN-Kappa Hand-holding in shows and parking are absolutely out. I like to dance or go to a show with - nice looking date. He doesn't have to be handsome, but it is preferred, and he must be well dressed. I prefer a peppy, witty date and a car is unnecessary. And I loath hand-holding! DOROTHY FRITZ-Tri Delt It depends on the mood I'm in, but I'm always ready to dance. If both of us are in the same mood-well? I like the date to be congenial, easy to talk to, pleasant and full of life. I like to "jelly" and dance. Of course I'd rather he had a car, but it isn't imperative; I'm more inter- ested in the person than the car. I get tired of doing the same thing all the time, so it's fun to do something different or crazy. It still depends on the mood for other things. HARRIET JONES-Kappa I want the date to know what we're going to do before we start. Anything unusual goes. Week- end parties are all right if the bunch is congenial. He must have a good sense of humor and, be well groomed. No profanity al- lowed and I don't care about flat- tery; I never do believe them anyway. HARRIETTE LA MERTHA- Phi Mu If I'm tired a show will do, but I like to dance when I feel like letting off steam. I like the fel- low to be a bit taller than myself, and he must have dark, curly hair. It depends on the date for other diversions. JEAN COUSLEY- Alpha Chi 0. If it is a boring date, a show; if he's a good dancer, then dance. Naturally a good-looking date is preferred. The dress doesn't matter, neither does the car. And of course hand-holding is great sport. LOUISENE SADLER-Theta A dinner and dance or show is my idea of a good date, that is, if a fellow is tall, good-looking, a wonderful dancer and of more than average intelligence. I have become accustomed to walking, but a car is always prefered. Weekend parties are the tops, and I have no particular objec tion to drinking. Necking is all right with the right fellow in the right place. To be shown a lot of attention and flattered is rath- er nice. And I like dates in huge numbers. NANCY LUPFER-Gamma Phi I abhor "jellying," in fact, I can't stand the sound of the word. I like to dance, but not in the hang-outs; a show or a glass of beer is appreciated. If the date is a chatterer, it makes little dif- ference what his other points are, for he's "out." He doesn't have to be a Gable, but personality is required. As for necking-well, a girl has to have some appeal; and everyone likes a little flattery if it isn't laid on with a trough. ANN BOSWELL-Pi Phi Just so we get along together, I'm happy. I'm not really partic- ular what I do, just so it's fun. Dinner dates are a good excuse, you don't have to eat. The fel- low must be smooth and interest- ing and if his wit is clever, s:) much the better, otherwise I could get along without it. No drinking on dates. I don't go in for necking, unless I'm in love; and so far I haven't been afflicted. DORIS CLOUD-Chi O. I like picnics, not picknecks. To do the unusual, I consider the date a success. Playing with can- dles on the table or singing lusti- ly is a harmless way to spend an evening. Money or Adonia feat- ures are not essential with man, as long as he's good natured and has a sense of humor. I'm for more individualism in the date. among other things. SALLY DENTON-A. Chi O. I've got to have a man's man, a good dancer, attractive and en- tertaining. The sentimental kind are out. Dancing is my fav- orite pastime, with a movie or picnic or 'something different once in a while. The drinkers can go with the sentimentalists. SALLY CHARAK-Alpha E. Phi My preferrence on a date is to go horseback riding. Next is sit- ting in the balcony in a show and munching pop-corn. Necking is against my principles and there is a time and place for drinking. I don't mind walking on dates. An hour is the limit on jelly dates, and if it grows boring, trip- ping waiters and kicking shins under the table serves to amuse. I like to play cards, something ex- citing like casino, but bridge is taboo. . . . The als Tell What akes a d ate . . . page fourteen Chesterfield Cigarettes ELMER'S LETTER HOME by jim weber Dere Ma; Everthing haz bin changed now. I am now in anuther sem- ester. I heard the other day two guys tawkin about esters, an they wasnt girils. They was chemical somethins. Well Esthers, esters, or ezters aint gonna disturb my equal library. That means my balance. I am gonna study hard this nex semester. The feller in the regesters office sez to me you aint doin so hot and I sez I kno it and I had a turrible time get- tin him to lemme stand in that long bread line they call the reg- ester-ation line. All the esters! I never seed the like since Old Mame, that fat sow of Uncle Lemuel littered last year, come February. Ma, I am in love. I seed the most beaut-eye-ful giril the other day I has ever seed! She is a Kappa Kanna Grammar. I still dont unnerstan it, unless the gir- ils learn what to say with the fon- ograf records, like yore brother did learn French before he run- ned away to Paris. Well, she is in love with me too I think. She smiled at me the other day. She is not much taller than me. Course, I dont kno as yit wheter she kin cook or not. She has one gold tooth. I was told by a fra-ter-ni-ti guy that she was a per-oxide blonde and I says that is mighty fine of you to say that I kno she wood appreciate it be- cause I guess per-oxide blondes are better than just plain-oxide blondes, Huh, Ma? Well, Ma, there ain't much to write about an so I will quit. Now that I am in love, maybe I will need about a dollar in a munth or so more. I wanta buy her some horehound drops. Love, Elmer. page sixteen Mother: "George dear, you know Joan is eighteen years old now and I just had a long talk with her about the facts of life." WHAT? Father: "Ah, good. And did you learn any- thing new?" -Widodw iHe is the luckiest man in the world. He has a LUCK wife and a cigaret lighter, and both of them work. -E.changr Paw ? Now what? Why didn't Noah swat both the flies when he had such a good chance? Siren "What would you call an old maid doing the dance of seven veils?" "A comic strip." -Purple Parrot * HE JUST GOT A LETTER. HIS WIFE'S RUN OFF AND LEFT HIM. THE MUSIC BOX BY DAVE DEXTER J immie Lunceford's phenome- nal rise to popularity, notwith- standing the fact that his band has been organized only two years, can be attributed to one factor-The Lunceford combo please both the casual listener and "swing" musician alike. This band embodies both en- semble and solo work in a distinc- tive style, and such practice ap- parently pleases everybody, judg- ing from the crowds that flock to his dances, shows and the local music shops to hear his latest re- cordings. Incidently, "Stratos- phere;" "Rose Room," "Star dust," and "Rhythm Is Our Busi- ness" are the outstanding impres- sions in wax he has made to date. They are all under the Decca label. Dubbed "The Harlem Express" by admirers, Lunceford in 1934 assembled a group of real musi- cians and proceeded to attract nation-wide attention in the dance world with his novel ar- rangements and unusual show- manship abilities. Probably the one outstanding feature of his *"THE HARLEM EXPRESS." band is the brass section, which is often characterized by Paul Webster's "high E above F" an- tics on trumpet. Lunceford was born in Fulton, Missouri in 1902. He is a gradu- ate (B.A.) of Fisk University, where he was a four letter man in sports. He plays sax, guitar, flute, and trombone when he's not fronting the band. The unit is now completing a theater tour that will end in Hol- lywood before the lights and cam- eras of the movie moguls there. HAUNTING THEMES-Red Nichols' torrid trumpet on "The Wailing Of The Winds". That Goodman clarinet on "Goodbye" . . Hal Kemps' saxes playing "How I Miss You,, . . . Earl Hines' piano licks with "Deep Forest" . . The Tommy Dorsey trombone and "Gettin' Sentimen- tal" . . . Tommy Tucker's trio singing "Oh, How I Love You" . . . Isham Jones' ace tenor man, Saxy Mansfield, wandering around on "You're Just A Dream." JIMMIE LUNCEFORD Disc-cussions A new batch of extra-fine rec- ordings has been released by the major companies this month, and the following platters should ap- peal to everybody: Brunswick 7578- "Then I Shan't Love You Anymore"; Hal Kemp and his Orchestra. Victor 25200-"S o m e bo d y Ought To Be Told"; Ray Noble's smart music. Columbia 3107-D - "M o o n- burn"; Little Jack Little's Or- chestra. Victor 25026--"Weary"; Tom- my Dorsey's New Band. Brunswick 7580--"Mama Don't Allow It"; Ozzie Nelson's band. Melotone 6-02-11-"I Wanna' Woo"; Joe Haymes Swing Out- fit. Brunswick 7579--"Just One Of Thoses Things"; Freddy Martins' smooth rhythms. Showme Radio Report Card (S+) Coca-Cola; Ray Noble's Orchestra; C.B.S. Wednesday Nite at 8:30 (M-) Esso Gasoline; Guy Lombardo's Orchestra; N.B. C. Monday Nite at 7:00 (E) Camel Caravan; Casa Loma Band; C.B.S. Tuesday & Thursday Nites at 8:00 (S) The Bakers' Broadcast; Ozzie Nelson's Band; N.B.C. Sunday Nite at 6:30 (S) Kraft Cheese; Jimmy Dor- sey's Orchestra and Bing Crosby; N.B.C. Thursday Nite at 8:00 page seventeen ON OTHER CAMPI The latest fad among the wo- men students on the west coast is to wear their school's initials as hair ornaments, with the let- ters being fashioned from tiny gold and cardinal velvet flowers. The "BURNING OF THE BOOKS" ceremony was cele- brated again by the staff of the Harvard LAMPOON after an issue of their humor magazine was ordered off the news stands. Fifty coeds between the heights of 5 feet 3 inches and 5 feet 5 inches are needed for the dance choruses in the University of Ari- zona's presentation of "Nuts to Hugh." To be sure he gets the needed 50 out of the 2,600 stu- dents in the University, the facul- ty adviser for the production ad- vises that the girls do not need to know how to dance. One of Dr. F. M. Baldwin's (U. of S. C. Zoology department) hobbies is collecting bonehead answers from his test papers. A recent favorite discovered by the doctor is the definition of a skele- ton: A SKELETON IS A BUNCH OF BONES WITH THE PEO- PLE SCRAPED OFF. Buffalo University observes the rule that freshmen are not allow- ed to speak to coeds on the cam- pus. Recently, they declaTed a one-day moratorium to give the frosh opportunities to get dates for the fall dance. On a survey of eastern colleges, statistics showed that 60 per cent of the college students sleep through at least three hours of classes each week. page eighteen Texas Tech has the largest campus in the United States. At all-college dances, couples dance in the same direction, thus form- ing a circle with the stags in the center. A report has reached us by re- mote control that one lone male student enrolled at Wellesley col- lege this fall. What a time he'll have getting his bachelor's de- gree! A columnist from the Minne- sota Daily, publication of Uni- versity of Minnesota, often runs "famous last words." The other day the much-imposed-upon col- lege man was accredited with the famed final filing, "This is nation- al hamburger month, dearie." MICKEY MOUSE'S POP, better known as Walt Disney, has been chosen by the editor of the University of Kansas year- book to judge the Kansan beau- ties for the annual. No doubt the one who looks most like Minnie Mouse will win the contest. And "Kewpie" Harper, inter- nationally renowned livestock judge, is also picking BEAUTY queens this year-Purdue. 0 A Westerner entered a saloon with his wife and three-year-old boy. He ordered two straight whiskies. "Hey, Pa," said the kid, "ain't mother drinking?" Ranger Momma Klam to Poppa Klam These Winchell words did hurl. I think, my dear; In fact, I fear, I'm gonna have a pearl. -Wampus It Took Time (Continued from page 11) Phil was lying awake when Jerry's dripping figure clumped up the stairs of the frat house. As the door of the room opened, he threw at his roommate, "Where've you been, Jughead. Time all Romeos were in bed." "Oh, it was a swell night for a walk!" Jerry's handsome features broke into a smile. Lightening split the darkness and rain roared on the tile roof. "I want to ask you a rather personal question, Jerry." "Shoot !" "How did you and Jane get together?" Jerry paused in the act of pulling a sweater over his head. For a moment there was no sound, then from the inner folds of the sweater came muffled tones. "Oh, it was simple." He jerked the sweater off and ran his figgers thru rumpled hair. "I never told you this because you'd probably think me a fool, which I no doubt am. But remember the prom last month? Janey went with Bill Andrews and I took Lina." He stopped to pull off the soaked shoes. "Well, I arranged with Bill to exchange a dance and gave him ten bucks to disappear. He did and I was left with Jane." "But what happened to Lina?" Jerry flipped out the light. "I'll bite." -o- Three blocks away light filtered through on a second floor window of the Gamma house. The same scene was taking place in a different setting. Betty, lying in bed on one elbow, watched her roommate peel off water- logged clothing. "Yeah, I remember the prom last month. You had a date with Bill Andrews." "Right, and Jerry dragged Lina Stelk," Jane retorted, reaching for a towel. "Well, it was simple. I arrang- ed with Lina to trade a dance and gave her three pairs of my new silk hose to disappear. She did and Jerry was left with me." "But what happened to your date?" Jane snapped out the light on the dressing table. "I'll bite." * He: Did anyone ever tell you how wonderful you are? She: Don't believe they ever did. He: Then, where'd you get the idea? -Shipmate Casa Loma, Inc. (Continued from page 13) made by the Casa Loma combina- tion. "Sonny" Dunham and Grady Watts with their trumpets; "Pee-Wee" Hunt's hot trombone and vocal solos; Tony Briglia's uncanny manner of pounding out rhythm on the snares; Pat Davis and his torrid passages on tenor sax; and the way they and the rest of the boys' "swing out" on the current favorite tunes is nothing short of sensational. "Orange Blossoms"-a misnomer if there ever was one. With a tag like that it is no wonder Casa Loma took so many years to get started for the "big time." Today the Casa Loma orchestra is the one universal favorite with the col- lege and university dance music en- thusiasts. It is a fact that on the Miz- zou' campus the opening bars of Gene Gifford's "Smoke Rings" every Tuesday and Thursday night is the signal for a half-hour recess in lodges using the study-hall system of instilling knowledge into the minds of their pledges. Probably another factor in the pop- ularity of this band with the inhabitants of "Joe-town" is the romantic appeal the Casa Lomans' offer. There is the shy, curly-haired Kenny Sargent with his smooth vocal renditions of the bal- lads that cause the girls to forget names like Crosby and Vallee in preference to the fancy falsetto tones featured by Sar- gent, who also plays alto sax in the band. And for the masculine 'listeners, lovely Deane Janis offers her distinctive style of delivering either "swing" or "sweet numbers: with equal ease and ap- peal. She's the gal who resolved not to marry until she reached the pinnacle of success . What is she waiting on now? As for further proof of the sustained popularity of the boys under Mel Jens- sen's baton (He leads the band up front while Glen Gray sits with the reed sec- tion tooting a horn), the New York World-Telegram awarded Casa Loma fifth place in 1934 in its annual poll to determine the most popular radio artists of the year. In 1935 the same poll re- vealed Glen Gray and the Casa Loma Orchestra in fourth position. What will the tabulation of returns show in the 1936 survey? Well, no one can tell, of course; but if the votes were taken solely from the University of Missouri student body our bet is that the ex-bunch of Orange Blossoms would win in a walk. Edgeworth Tobacco The Jacqueline Shop page twenty "BIG TIME" (Continued from page 9) Instantaneous response to cues is the thing that an orchestra must strive to get. The responsibility for "keeping a program rolling" lies mainly with the orchestra, and so it is necessary for them to have two or three complete re- hearsals before they go on. The announcing, you will notice, is done by men who speak the finest Eng- lish in the country. Years of practice in diction and actual radio work must be gone through before an announcer can rate Radio City. Occasionally, even these silver-ton- gued spielers make their mistakes. Dig- nified Milton Cross panicked the radio audience one night when he came out with, "The A and G Pipsies." He him- self howled when he had realized his errors. Graham MacNamee is still be- ing ribbed for the time he said "Texaco Gasoloon." Ed Wynn refuses to let MacNamee forget that slip of the tongue. And then there is the more serious slip made by Ted Husing while announcing a football game. In the heat of the contest he evaluated the Harvard team as "putrid." It was a harmless comment and yet Husing was barred from the Harvard announcing assign- ments for two years because of it . "Mike Fright," you will find out, is the descriptive term used to define a feeling of complete helplessness and dis- ability which comes over a person when he faces a microphone for the first time. It is a powerful spell which has been strong enough to upset the poise of some of our most noted performers . . Fritz Kreitzler, on the night of his first broadcast, for which he was getting ten thousand dollars, offered to pay the sta- tion double that sum if they would just let him leave and forget that they ever saw him. He was so jittery he couldn't hold a bow in his hand. He had to go on, though, and within a minute or so he had regained his nerves and was playing beautifully . . . Only a few nights ago we heard Walter Huston on Bing Crosby's program, and Mr. Hus- ton sounded more like Roscoe Ates than a great actor. It was only when Mr. Huston delivered his well-known recita- tion of the Gettysburg Address that he was able to overcome his fear of the "mike." Through this all, the control man sits calmly in his booth and twists dials. His keen eyes watch dancing needles and see that they dance only the.way they're supposed to. He has in his fingertips the power to make or break an orches- tra or a singer, but he takes his work coolly and rarely makes a slip although his work is the most complex of anyone connected with radio. He does his work efficiently and intelligently as do all the others connected with the program. And why not? Only Radio's best get to Radio City. CARNIVAL! (Continued from page 8) "You mean," chortled fur coat number four, exhaling an aroma of Scotch, "that was a lady." The tall dancer heard, but kept putting on a show. Fur coat number one said, " One can't imagine that there are people who will lower them- selves like that, can one?" "People like that are just nat- urally that way; they never have known decency," answered one of her maiden friends. The show ended. The audience trooped outside. The fur-coated, front-row four snubbed a few ac- quaintances. Back in their dressing room, the twitch-dancers were smoking. "Those high-powered gals down in front had yuh goin' for a while, didn't they?" asked the fat dancer. The other answered. "No I had to laugh at their smug, beam- ing faces. I wonder what they'll be doing ten years from now! Ten years ago I went to the uni- versity in this town. I belonged to Gamma Tau sorority. Hell, I was chosen a campus queen!" * First Fraternity rule: No li- quors allowed on the premises. Second Fraternity rule: Do not throw empty bottles out of the windows. Barber: Haven't I shaved you before? Customer: No, I lost that ear in the war. "Shall we go to the movies?" "We don't have to. Mother and Dad are going." If all horses say "nay," where do little horses come from? Pillars of University System Morpheus, Eustace W.-Originator of the Eight o'clock Class. Founded the theory of Daylight Learning, which states that students incur more knowledge if they are forced to bolt their breakfast. Kutt, Alonzo F.-Introduced the Negativ Hour Idea. Quote: "A little slip resulting so ser- iously will give the student a conception of the element of chance in life." Bird, Hester A.-Founder of the Time Limit System for diates and dances. Educated in convent. Unmarried. Looz, Kraps U.-First dictator of graduation requirements. Born blind. Sometimes known as the 'Hitler of Education.' Braks, N. O.--Developed grading system used today. As accountant indicted for embezzeling. Ph. D in Mathematics. Murdered in bed. Kansar, A. M.-First advocate of Saturday classes. Famed as the 'Man Who Never Slept.' Slave owner until close of Civil War. Cinder, N. U.-Inventor of method now used to buy and sell text books. Made millions in Pawn Shops. (Picture on no currency at date of this printing.) H. Kraushaar Life Savers page twenty-one AND THE MOVIES Dick Grace and Charlie Stoffer are the only two left of Hollywood's "Last Man Club," a movie stunt flyers' group called "The Buzzards." All of the oth- ers are dead 'and gone--died in their cockpits, in plane fire or fatal crack-ups. It was in the middle 1920's, when Colleen Moore was doing "Lilac Time," that eight of the most famous daredevils of the air in Hollywood concluded that Buzzards should die in their cockpits. They drew up a roster in the form of a chart, naming pencil-drawn airplanes af- ter each member, with the provision that it was 'to be passed on to the next in seniority as the oldest holder dies. Dick Grace has it now. He gave the Buz- zards their qualifying tests, taking a single-seater scout plane up himself and going through all the gyrations he had learned in the World War-loops, tail- spins, barrel-rolls, , reversements, Im- melmanns and what-not. His idea was that when a man would and could follow him as leader, through all this, he was a natural born Buzzard. All the boys could-and did ! Grace still is crashing planes on the Coast-at so much per crash, having "washed out" 30 planes to date. He has broken 69 of the 200 bones in his body. With several hundred Negroes engag- ed for "The Green Pastures," Warner Brothers' studio has gone in for a little word changing. "Rules" has become "su- perstitions," a sign on the Burbank set reading: SUPERSTITIONS Time has proved that the following will cause undue suffering and often- times result in dismissal. Don't test Fortune too far. It is bad luck to: 1. Be late to work. 2. Bring razors on the set. 3. Drink spirituous liquors during working hours. 4. Smoke on the set. 5. Sit in the director's chair. 6. Shoot dice while in the studio. 7. Look at the camera. 8. Use grease in the hair. 9. Pluck eyebrows. 10. Assume an English accent. The inventors of the Middle Ages seem, in the light of today's scientific achievements, a dreamy and impractical lot. Many of their ambitious notions never got beyond the idea stage, and a lot of those that did now seem crude and comic. But the libraries of the world are cluttered with musty pictures and books yellow with years, which reveal that the basic ideas for many of the mechanical marvels of the present so- called Machine-Age sprouted in the heads of medieval thinkers. Some evi- dence is presented in William Randolph Hearst's "American Weekly," where there is shown, among others, the an- cestors of the cinema-a sort of magic lantern through which the figure of a crude and scary-looking devil was flash- ed on the walls of enemy cities to frigh- ten the defending and superstitious troops. Ginger Rogers' mama spent years and years building up her own little theatre in Hollywood, turned it over to Mae West's manager, Jim Timory, only to have the police padlock it after raiding his production of Miss West's play. Twentieth Century-Fox has just sign- ed a young man named Robert Kent. He is a six-footer who has clear green eyes that turn very blue when he gets angry. "And Sally Rand," observes Dave Weissman, "must have been a good stu- dent of fanatomy." "George Bernard Shaw Calls Radio Mike Liar"-Headline in "Zit's." Pag- ing David Sarnoff. Ginger Rogers FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT page twenty-two Fashion Parade by The coiffure-of-the-month is this, and not at all difficult to attain. The nearest five-and-ten will have the necessary equipment and you can perform the trick at home if you're reasonably adept. It's young, impertinent and gay, with high- flung curls and an informal bang that makes the very young look a little older -and vice versa of course. This crocheted wool helmet with a bushy plumage of wool fringe is both a novel and versatile choice for your new wardrobe. It's the sort of thing you can wear as a beach hat, on a cruise to Havana or for winter sports at Lake Placid-and how could you expect a bon- net to be more versatile? Bag, belt and glove ensembles will make even last year's frock look brand new and will help considerably toward that air of authority and sartorial well- being. This group, in gaily colored raffia, is a grand foil for any of your white or pastel ensembles. If you're the kind of girl who wears chaste black, you'll certainly like this handcuff bracelet in Renaissance design, for it adds a sumptuous touch of bril- liant relief without being at all gaudy. Here is a hat that even males will like. Designed especially for you-and you, the new note is the casual darning stitch done in silk floss around the open-air crown. The band is a matching floss stationed by a modern wooden buckle. The vogue for colored accessories goes right down to your toes: White siude is embossed with red flowers, and enlivened with red kid in this pert opera pump. New Deal (Continued from page 7) ing they, the dogs, devised a new plan. Professor U. Gotta Buyit-now a member of the brain trust- drove up to the meeting hall in his new limousine and expounded his latest idea. "We must have new editions ! !! ! " he exclaimed and shouts of delight issuedi from the drool- ing mouths, of the members pre- sent. This idea-this new plan, prompted my expose. They got the Supreme Court to declare the New Deal measures unconstitu- tional so that the latest editions of their texts would be useless and more editions would have to be printed. You saw it and so did I. The N.R.A. was declared unconstitu- tional-out came a new edition. Then the A.A.A. was ruled out- again a new edition-when is it going to endi? ? ? ? Will we for- ever be at the mercy of these con- spirators ? . Shall we re-elect Roosevelt? Shall we let ourselves in for more and more new editions?-You tell me-I'm exhausted! 0 Little Willie, cute but dumb, Gouged his eye out with his thumb. "Mercy on us!" screamed his mother. "Hell," said Bill, "I got an- other." -Stanford Chaparral 0 What's all this debris? Oh, no, it isn't debris-it's love in bloom. -Wampus CAMPUS CAB page twenty-three Suzannne's What foah dat doctah comin' outa youah house? Ah dunno but Ah thinks Ah's got an inkling. Frivol * Jiggers, here comes a speed cop. Quick, hang out the Notre Dame pennant. Illinois Siren * When you Started this You thought it Was a poem, By now You see You were Mistaken. Isn't it funny How people will Continue to read Something even When they know They're being Fooled ? Stanford Chaparral * A hotel manager going along a corridor saw a kneeling bootblack cleaning a pair of shoes outside a bedroom. "Haven't I told you never t clean shoes in the corridor, but to take them downstairs?" "Yes, sir, but the man in the room is a Scotchman and he is hanging on to the laces." Stanford Chaparral Vanity Fair *"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OSCAR, ABSINTHE, 'MAKES YOU WANT TO DO THINGS'." page twenty-four Tiger Beauty Shop *"GEE, PROF. I'M GLAD I PASSED THAT ABNORMAL PSYCH QUIZ." Co-ed (to barber): It's all right in front, but I'd like it shingled like a boy's behind. Sour Owl PHILIPS & CO. THE BALLET Ballets are stories told thru the medium of motion. Per- haps the first mode of expression by primitive man, the dance is one of the most complex, despite its origin. Consequently, a great ballet is exceedingly difficult to execute and even more difficult to conceive. In Warner Bros.' "A Midsummer Night's Dream," there are two great ballets conceived by the producer, Max Rein- hardt, and the two famous ballerinas Nijinska and Theilade. These are the "Nocturnal" and the "Scherzo." THE CO-OP page twenty-flve Harzfelds "These are my stock market pants." "What d'ya mean-stock market pants?" "The bottom's dropped out." Poor Johnnie! He was sent home for scratch- ing his nose with his thumb. Jester 0 Alumnus: Why I'm sorry to hear that. How did Brother Jones die? Phi Delt: He fell through some scaffolding. Alumnus: What on earth was he doing up there? Phi Delt: Being hanged. Froth * "Kiss me darling." "What for?" "Don't be so curious. My lip itches." Pennsylvania Punch Bowl * Add similies: As fast as a xylophone player three bars behind. Widow page twenty-six CROOKED Do you actually think John is crooked? Crooked? Jeez, if I'd stick out my tongue he'd hook the coat off it. Exchange * Lawyer-Why didn't you scream as soon as he touched you? Old Maid-I didn't know he wanted my money. Widow And then there's the one about the Blundering Bess of the baked bean factory who put the beans in the can upside down and gave all the customers the hiccups. Exchange If at first you don't succeed, remember that all women aren't alike. Log "I do not believe in promiscuous osculations." "You said it. There's nothing like bunching your hits. Texas Ranger * Drunk (lying on the sidewalk)-I'll climb this wall if it takes me all night." Lyre The Uptown Habit DID YOU KNOW? BY BOB HANNON Women were not admitted to the Uni- versity until 1869. Back in 1821, when Columbia was lit- tle more than a couple of log cabins and a wigwam, gin was advertised at 90 cents a gallon, whiskey for 25 cents a gallon, and wine ran from 90 cents to $5 a gallon. The forerunner of the present Uni- versity was Columbia College, establish- ed here in 1834. Three men composed the faculty. Columbia is called "The Athens of Missouri"-must be the columns stand- ing around holding up nothing. The cornerstone of the University was laid on the Fourth of July, 1840. The first structure in Columbia was a log cabin which stood on the southeast corner of Fifth and Broadway. The Columbia Female Academy was established here in 1833 and later grew into Stephen's College. It was located just east of where the Hall Theater now stands. Stephens was one of the first women's schools west of the Mississippi. The State Historical Society has one of the most complete collections of Mark Twain's writings in the United States- included in the collection are many first editions, the more valuable being: "Ad- ventures of Tom Sawyer," "Tom Saw- yer and Huckleberry Finn," and "The Celebrated Jumping Frog," the last named being Clemen's first book. According to a recent survey, 87 per cent of the student body of Stephens College are married within five years after leaving the school. (And this is leap year!) Billie Cassin (Joan Crawford to you) attended Stephens in '23. Her home was in Kansas City. Stephens contributions to the radio include Ruth Carhart, '26, who accord- ing to "Radioland," was one of Roxy's greatest finds; and Dorthy Fredricks, '32, who is makin gelectrical transcrip- tons for General Mills' program, "Hymns of All Churches." Other well known Stephens grads in- clude Adrienne Adams, '25, magazine il- lustrator; Elsie Hoelzel, '14, portrait painter; and Margaret Barbee, '18, out- standing psychiatrist. Mrs. Wilburn Cartright, wife of the Oklahoma congressman, was Carrie Staggs when she graduated from Steph- ens in '09. Mr. Clarence Cannon, congressman from Missouri and congressional parlia- mentarian, taught at Stephens and wrote the school song, "Ladamus Te." Mrs. Cannon, by the way, was also a Stephens girl. In the Stephens catalogue of 25 years ago was published a list of monthly tem- peratures in Columbia; something about the "delightful climate" being an induce- ment. Fifty years ago there was a small lake on the University campus. A major avocation of the citizens of Columbia has been the founding of col- leges; the following were all Columbia men: Gov. Hardin, founder of Hardin College in Mexico, Mo.; William Jewell, a physician, who established the school which now bears his name; Moses Payne, a clergyman, who gave to Fay- ette, Mo., Payne College, later combined with Central College; and William Woods, who endowed William Woods College in Fulton. BIG CONTEST If you are hiding some interesting fact, write it on a cocoanut with a ban- ana and roll it into the editor; you may receive the first prize of two red jelly beans, or the second prize of one pink jelly bean. In case of ties, we take all jelly beans. I owe to you those lovely nights And hours of bliss. And all those unnamed delights From every kiss. I'm sure that you know my debt is clear. And you know why- I also owe to you my dear- Five hours of 'I'. H. K. 0 Here's to the pictures on our desk. May they never meet. Pointer Thinly dressed, between the lights- Take care of your week-end nights. H K. Girls built like figure eight Don't have time to make Phi Bete. H. K. Sir Walter Raleigh Smoking Tobacco page twenty-seven HARRIS CAFE Hotel President Hotel Melbourne PLAIN FACTS Our Advertisers Are establishments conducted on the basis of service and dependability. Every advertisement represents an investment on the part of one of these establishments for the purpose of securing campus trade. Missouri Showme As custodian of these investments is pledged to see that they are returned and, that dividends are paid. We Then Ask YOU To patronize our advertisers; we ask you to mention SHOWME when you buy, for only in this way can the merchant and the dealer know the benefits accrued from his advertisement. REMEMBER It is because of the support which the campus publications receive from the advertisers that they are able to exist. Campus Advertisers are Campus Boosters Lucky Strike Cigarettes