Missouri Showme September, 1936Missouri Showme September, 1936 20081936/09image/jpegUniversity of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show193609Missouri Showme September, 1936; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1936
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Lucky Strike Cigarettes
The Showme Show
Here ya are, lads and
lassies-the ol' campus
snooper has been run-
ning his vacuum 'round
and about and when he
opened the bag all this
ACK on the campus-the old
and the new-all set to make
history as old Mizzou's greatest
Jelly year. Our favorite old
booths-the black and blue spots
covered with fresh paint and
fresher talent-and bands like the
Jones Boys at Gaeb's. An outfit
just about twice as good as our
collitch town has ever Joplin-hop-
Temperature around two hun-
dred sees the new queens in black
velvet and furs-with their blind
dates in faded white linens-what
is conceit but Man? The new frat
pledges it seems are goofy-eyed
readers of Esquire-no less-
checkered jackets, bright blue
trousers, no ties-Oscar, hitch up
my polo pony.
They should hang over about
four more days and then the same
seven Fords will be bumping the
streets. The smoothies go with
them, girls-and the diet of swol-
len ankles and nickel cokes start
-we hear the Theta widow
Marks is remaining to breeze by
us in the super-charged Auburn
streak. And life is hard as it is.
At first you'll rate a few taxi
rides, but wait until they know
There was a burlesque show in
St. Louis last week-end-which
reminds us that a Rollins Street
sophomore from K. C. is heaving
two Beta pins.
It's Clair to us that everyone is
glad to see our talented and
charming Mr. Callihan back in
town (it's no worse than playing
knock-knock). A break for us if
he helps us with the Jay show
Wonder how Kappa Crisp and
"Chop-Chop" Cole of the Sig Chis
will get along this year. A grand
summer, wasn't it, Dorothy?
They learn young-a small lad
was asked during rush week if
he wouldn't like to come to the
University and be a Phi Delt-
cleverly he replied, "No, I want
to go to the Elementary and be a
Why let the Stephens girls
monopolize Harris' this year?
Let's take over a swell place to
loaf-redecorated, decent floor,
and best of all Johnny Rieck's
likeable band with the outstand-
"Drahma" Rotenhagen, D. G.,
is one girl that will be missed this
year, but then she's left the price-
less Paul Hunt, Delt, behind so
good-bye Dot and good luck !
Kappa prehze, Betty Meier-
besides having always been the
best of them all in this town, now
finds three stars after her name
for turning into an A-1 party girl,
filling all requirements.
We forecast the top this year
for Workshop with a man like
Herb Hake on the rug. It takes
a real person to be that fair and
Wonder what Joan Howe in-
tends to do this year-her third
and hard going-now that Hen-
sley, Phi Gam and La Rue of the
D. U.'s are both gone.
Pi Phi Royse bounced Chuck
Kelly, Sigma Chi, out on his ear
this summer and walked over him
with Sam Pearson, Beta.
Don Dittamore, Delt, and Ruth
Sowers, Theta, are just another
case of breaking up rush week
after going steady for a year. It
only takes three months to do it.
Helen Whitesides, outstanding
Tri Delt is back again with all her
pins. It is absolutely true that
last year she had more than five
pins and was working on another.
Here's to ten more this year,
Were the brother Phi Delts in
St. Joe taking care of Jayne Wol-
vers, Theta, for themselves or for
Jack Oliver this heat wave when
one in particular was seen at that
famous swimming pool in full
view of mothers and fathers, kiss-
ing our pretty Jayne. Did you,
too, overhear Miss Wolvers in one
of her mad moments, asking Bill
Gregg for his Sig Chi pin at their
(Continued on Page 18)
0. 0. McIntyre
Howard Brickey Merrill Panitt
Editor Business Manager
Mark Cox Phil Bronson
Bud Wylie John McNutt
Jim Weber Charles Callison
Bob Hannon F. Paul Margolis
Ray Colcord Frankie Ricksecker
PROMOTION- Bob Hannon, Charles Calli-
son, Phil Bronson, Hugh Wylie, F. Paul
ADVERTISING-- Ed. Boughton, Vernon
Nolte, Louise Caffey, Frankie Ricksecker.
There has been a change of
horses. Each year a new horse is
chosen to pull Showme things
along and relieve the old horse
who, generally, during the course
of the year has changed from a
hard-working plug horse into an
We will waive horsing around
any longer than to welcome, in
a more or less official manner,
new and old students. Welcome
freshmen ! Welcome campus
vets! The keys are yours.
We join with you in anticipat-
ing a successful school year.
A greater Showme will be
presented to students this year.
Thanks to last year's manage-
ment, our books balance more ex-
actly than the scales of justice.
Our staff is organized stronger
than student politics, meaning of
course, we crossed ourselves up
several times, but we have two
men on every job, so everything
will be done. When the job is
done we will appear on time each
month. Regularly, we will be
just one step ahead of your land-
lord or treasurer with the house
bill. That even beats clockwork.
This change of policy, viz., reg-
ular publication dates, is a part
of the "drastic revamping" that
Showme successfully underwent
At the time the changes were
planned for Showme a handful of
leftists whispered that a magazine
would never sell on the Missouri
campus unless it was packed with
filth, big portions of it.
We beg to disagree. Spice makes
a magazine. When there's no
spice there's no magazine. Show-
me has aways printed some spice.
But there came a time when the
quality of this valuable magazine
ingredient was lowered to the
point where it was no longer
spice. It was sewage.
Filth can be purchased in book-
let form, without illustrated cov-
ers, for twenty-five cents a copy.
We propose to leave that field to
its present proprietors.
Our field is humor. Mix with
it interesting pictures, sports, and
special college features and you
have the new Showme. There's
spice in all of it. Have a look.
A short prospectus won't hurt.
Here are a few of the staff who
do things you'll want to see.
The inimitable Dave Dexter,
now famous as chief grinder of
"Music Box" will strike blue
notes in each issue. (Congres-
sional Library should secure a
copy of the data compiled by Dex-
ter in this issue. See "The Duke
vs. Lunceford." Page 10.)
Chance Boggiano and George
Hawkins, two men who have
never heard of "art for arts sake"
will contribute cartoons.
Versatile Bob Hannon, writer
of poetry, sports, humor, and good
quality fiction, will clear the decks
for action each month.
Hannon gives a short sprint
performance in this issue. (See
"Cinder Ellen," page 13. When
we first read the title we thought
it might be about Helen Stephens,
but changed our mind before we
We sincerely hope that our oak
desk will be piled high with stu-
dent mail. Next issue will have
a page of compliments and com-
plaints. All compliments will be
read as fast as they can be sorted
from the complaints. We wel-
come both. Mail us something,
good or bad.
This should be a big year at
VOLUME VI 1936 NO. 1
The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional
journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy.
Copyright 1934 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized
exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, 107-109 South Ninth Street;
office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return.
Prince Albert Tobacco
The student will fill out forms
1, 2, and 3 below, using ink.
COVERING THE WORLD IN AUGUST
A Reporter Encounters a Good Old Summer-
Time Murder, A Hot Political Rally and a
By JOHN McNUTT
AND they told him going to
school in August would be
Even before July handed the
baton of Time to August, a Mis-
sourian reporter who had sen-
tenced himself to intersession
against the advice of experienced
students was riding high on
the political bandwagon that was
touring Boone County. But, find-
ing little in the performances giv-
en in each township by the mem-
bers of the political show, he
suffered an attack of regrets.
He learned that the primary
requirement necessary to a candi-
date for county office was that the
candidate have a birth certificate
in the county records. Any man
who has been born and raised in
the county where he wants to
"run", mounts a stump in that
county and shouts to those who
will gather around him. That
procedure constitutes the first big
step toward being elected to the
office of county something-or-
primary e le c-
tion had run
down the final
curtain on the
"dullness" o f
August reporting took another
hard blow on the chin. The blow
was in the form of a murder-a
murder packed with gory details.
One can never tell just when
a murder will occur. For instance,
the reporter was riding a chair
on the speaker's
down every line
uttered by the
that he thought
would look good between quo-
tation marks in Missourian print,
when what happens but this mur-
From the time the murder news
reached the reporter, his left ear
was turned in on the scattered
details he could hear from the
crowd. Only the duty-conscious
right ear caught the sales talks of
The next morning, after his "re-
view" of the night's entertainment
had been salted away on copy
paper, the reporter was awarded
the assignment of writing up the
murder story for that afternoon's
paper. It was no dull job, and he
began to sniff around for the
It seemed, from the number of
wild rumors floating around, that
every false report of the night be-
fore had given birth to offspring,
and they in their turn likewise.
Worse than rabbits!
Finding nothing new around
the courthouse, the reporter man-
aged for a ride to the scene of the
crime, a place near Midway. On
the way out he wondered if the
things he had heard about a mur-
derer always returning to the
scene of the crime were true, or
just some more false rumors.
The murderer didn't show up at
the scene, but two farmers did,
and from one of these men came
the story which appeared in the
paper that afternoon.
The scene of the crime was a
burning barn. The murderer had
battered his victim, placed the
dying man in the structure and set
fire to it. Arson and murder!
But instead of burning to death
in the barn as the killer had plan-
ned, the victim staggered from
the blaze and attempted to reach
help. The wife of one of the farm-
ers had actually seen the blood-
covered victim stagger down the
road in front of her house-after
he had regained consciousness
and crawled from the blazing
barn. She had heard him utter
groans as he passed her house.
showed the re-
porter the path
taken by the
man. It led
through a corn
field and down
a lonesome road. The end of the
trail was marked by two large
blood-stains in a ditch where the
victim had fallen, writhed in pain,
The farmer and his wife appear-
ed the next day before a coroner's
jury as two of the chief witnesses,
but what they had to tell had al-
ready been printed in the Mis-
(Continued on Page 20)
TO THE NEWCOMERS---
By BOB HANNON
W ITH the train backing into
Columbia five hours late in
the midst of a downpour, it is a
small wonder you newcomers
write home in your first letter-
"this is a hell of a place."
(If there wasn't a cloudburst when
you arrived, it was most unusual; and
if the train wasn't late, it was a
But wipe this unfavorable first
impression from your minds, for
you are now in Columbia, the
jam of Missouri, where it never
becomes hotter than 130 or colder
than 40 below and where, if it isn't
raining, it's cloudy; and if it isn't
cloudy, it's raining.
Remember, there must be a,
couple of thorns on the cactus
and every pillow-case has two
sides, so be optimistic and look at
the good times in store for you.
Tradition covers Mizzou like
the journalists cover the Wabash
station. Whether the stories are
true or not, some spirited tales
are told about the Columns, the
Ag.-Engineer feud (formerly a
private fight betwen the sons of
Erin and the lawyer clan), old
Jesse Hall, the great fire of '92,
Jefferson's tombstone, the J
school bridge and lions, and on
back to the time when a saloon
graced the spot where the Sig
Chi house now stands. O tem-
pora, O mores ! !
More social activities are staged
here than by the 400 in New
York, Palm Beach or any other
point, east or west. The peren-
nial Ag "Barnwarmin'," Home-
coming, Freshman Mixer, Christ-
mas vacation, Workshop dram-
mers, concerts, Journalism Show,
Farmers' Fair, Military Ball, St.
Pat's festivities, M-Men's dance,
and Journalism Week are but a
few of the many highlights await-
Then, too, there are the foot-
ball and basketball seasons. And
remember it is the duty of each
and everyone to get out and sup-
port the teams. It's no fun jump-
ing rope by yourself, you know.
Someone must play the role of
the wet blanket and each year the
faculty handles the part compe-
tently. As you have observed
there is an awful scramble, with
the freshmen wondering what it
is all about, the sophomores ask-
ing where Jesse Hall is located,
the juniors groping along the hall-
ways with that tell-tale hangover
appearance, and the seniors for-
getting to come.
After you get on to it, it's easy
to distinguish one upperclass-
man from another. If you see a
haughty-looking fellow swinging
down the walk as if he owned the
school, he is a sophomore. And
if you scrutinize closely, you will
notice he has a fraternity badge
pinned to his skin-a .sure sign.
The odd-looking specimen of
humanity lolling over his coke in
a jelly-joint with some blonde
whose smile is as cold as a chorus
girl's, is a junior. Poor fellow;
he's in love. This rather com-
plicates things, because both
freshmen and juniors fall in love.
The first may be discounted, for
it's one of those "in again, out
again" affairs; but of course, with
the junior, it is the real thing.
To distinguish between a fresh-
man and a junior in love, the
former looks as though he had
just suffered a stroke; the latter
Both are minus fraternity pins
before the end of the year, with
the freshman putting up the loud-
est squawk in June to get his
back. He wants to dazzle the
hometown natives with the purty
In spite of what you think, the
boys dashing thither and yon
clad in those classy blue denim
sport clothes (the illiterate call
them overalls) are not lawyers;
they are Ag students and are
justly or unjustly proud of the
fact. As a parody on an ancient
shall here say
"beware of an
Ag bearing a
If they are
not lawyers, we
hear you ask, how can one dis-
tinguish an embryo-barrister.
Simple: the boys from the law
barn are cripples-they carry
canes and look snooty.
Rarely do you catch a glimpse
of a real Med student, although
there are myriads of self-styled
pre-medics. The latter group us-
ually talks about chemistry; thus
you shall know them.
If you see a nose poked between
a crack in a door, or sticking
from under a bed, or peering from
behind a telephone pole, you may
be sure a journalist is attached
to the other end of it. But don't
be alarmed-they are merely de-
veloping "a nose for news," and
are quite harmless.
Engineers do not make an ap-
pearance until St. Pat's day, at
which time they become obnox-
ious. Their habitat is the west
side of the campus and they may
be seen prowling about at all
hours. Should an open season be
declared on the engineers at that
time, it certainly would be good
Those who loiter about the B.
and P. A. school need not be
pointed out to you. This species
is in training for loafing jobs on
court house lawns and is very
adaptable to park benches in later
Since there is neither the time
nor the space to devote to the
inmates of fraternities and soro-
rities, we shall not dwell on their
differentiating a b n or m a li t ies.
However, in order that you shall
not be guilty of an unpardonable
offense, the Kappas are the "sis-
ters of the Key" and the Pi Phi's
are the "Arrowites."
To further enlighten you who
are about to be baptized into the
sink or swim atmosphere of uni-
versity life, we shall mention a
few of the more popular spots
about the campus.
For the lovers of the great out-
doors, and in the great out-doors,
we highly recommend Lovers'
Leap-a very rustic bit of coun-
tryside south of the Ag barns.
Balanced Rock, which overlooks
tlhe mighty, muddy Hinkson Riv-
er wallowing along fifty feet be-
low, is the usual pretext for visit-
ing Lovers' Leap-Mizzou's own
Old Ox Road.
A hermit who cavorts about the
cliffs is reported to have been a
Kappa Sig disappointed in love.
If Lovers' Leap is still too close
to the hurry and scurry of Rol-
lins alley, take a hike to Devil's
Ice Box-a cave which compares
with any hole in the ground.
Zoology students love this place,
for besides university men, rat-
tlesnake abound in the dell.
The lexicography of a Mizzou
collitch man looks like a page
from a Chinese dictionary. One
expression with which every new-
comer must become acquainted is
"Jellying." This pastime takes
place in jelly-joints, which cogno-
men is applied to any refreshment
dispensary where such hard
drinks as coca-cola, root beer and
coffee are served. Here you sit
with the light of your life, sipping
your coke and discussing pertin-
ent subjects of world affairs-
such as "what shall we do to-
night"-all while you're supposed
to be in econ class.
There are hundreds of things
that could be told the newcomers,
but half the fun is living and
learning. So without further ado,
we shall leave you on your own.
Write Mother once a week, brush
your teeth daily and from there
on out you can't be advised-but
you can go wrong.
Notes on Wet Towels
The eminent, itinerant Hjalmar Niemela, writer
and hobo, presents a detailed, analytical study
of the art of expertly packing a wet turkish.
By HJALMAR NIEMELA
T'S a problem. A major prob-
Vacations are ruined, hotel pa-
trons suffer untold loss annually,
and even otherwise happy mar-
riages are ruined-all because of
ignorance in packing a wet towel.
What's the good of spending
five dollars for a good night's rest
when all you do is roll and toss,
worrying about how you are go-
ing to get that big turkish out
of the bathroom and into your
bag? Of course, it will be wet
from your morn-
that's why you
I didn't used to
worry, but I do
now. You will see
my point when I
relate one experience I had. I
have a turkish (Y. M. C. A.,
1934), that first impressed me
with what a weigthty matter wet
towels really can be.
Thirty miles a day was a nor-
mal day for me at the World's
Fair in the summer of 1934. The
week I was there the mercury
hit 100 degrees every day by 10
o'clock in the morning. By 3
o'clock it got hot. By 6 o'clock
I needed both a tub and a shower.
I used a strong soap for the first
lather. I had no friends at the
fair, but it didn't take friends to
tell me. Strangers (hinted, in one
way or another, and I took the
It got to be a ritual with me,
and so by 6 p. m., I took a bath,
first hot and then cold, rubbing
well with a medium grade, rough
turkish. It soaked up water like
a blotter. Then twelve turns
around the loop and a round-trip
stroll on State Street, non-stop,
was good for at least a rinse after
dinner, so you can see I was us-
ing up some bath napkins.
Boy! How they piled up!
There are no Mondays on record
where a washerwoman ever saw
such a soiled mountain.
When you get ready to pack a
bag, just reconnoiter a little
through the house. Generally you
will find at least one towel-
soaking wet. It has to go. Well,
I didn't have to look for these
towels. They were there on the
tile-oozing. I decided to pack
one in my suitcase. Just one. (I
only had a gross of short yellow
pencils from the Y. The Y fared
better than most places I visited.)
I couldn't find any vacant space
in my suitcase, what with tih'e
Sally Rand stuff and all I got at
the fair. But I made room-in be-
tween the coat and trousers of my
new Palm Beach. It fit pretty
nicely, all wrung out so it wasn't
Three days later when I got
back to Toledo township-the old
home place-I unpacked my suit-
case, the contents of which pos-
sessed the most perfect culture
of mildew, brewed under ideal
conditions of moisture and tem-
perature, that has ever been pro-
duced in a traveling bag, laundry
shute, or musty basement.
The coat of my Palm Beach
was a ringer for a salt and pep-
per. The red stripe down the cen-
ter of the turkish had transferred
beautifully the letters "Y. M. C.
A." on the left leg of the trousers.
Even my prize picture of Sally
had not escaped. Her nude torso
appeared draped in a shapeless,
wooly polk-a-dot robe. My pulse
rate dropped off ten beats.
Something of a chemical nature
happened too. The three pairs of
socks I had worn that week, al-
ways able to speak for them-
selves after one day's wear, were
limp and soggy from direct con-
tact. They defied washing, turn-
ing soap suds to curds. My ter-
rier buried one pair and the other
two quickly and quietly decom-
Except for my imitation leather
case, one side of which bulged
up and came apart, I counted only
minor damage to handkerchiefs
and underwear. But I still think
I paid an exorbitant price for that
cotton textile. However, it is rug-
ged, and is still giving service.
I started my
p e r i m e nts
in that field
els. In the last few years many
troubled people have called upon
me for advice. Among the more
notable have been the Court
of St. James, the traveling Roose-
velts, and others. The inces-
sant rains of India presented a
knotty problem to Mahatma
Ghandi and his bed-sheet robes.
A little out of my regular line, but
when he wrote that he couldn't
pack the wet garments, I sent
him my soundest advice on wet
(Continued on Page 22)
"HEY-I CAN'T BATHE WITHOUT LIFEBUOY!"
Your line is not as smooth as
Nor are you blond like Ted.
You're not a football star like
A millionaire like Lee:
You wonder why I love you?-
The others don't love me.
He-See that man playing full-
back? He'll be our best man in
about a week.
She-Oh, this is so sudden.
Waitress-Do you want your
eggs turned over, sir?
Sophomore-Yes. Turn them
over to the Museum of Natural
Prof.-What do you mean by
saying that Benedict Arnold was
Frosh-The book says that
after his exile he spent the rest
of his life in abasement.
"Papa, how can you tell men
"Well, my son, do you see those
two men over there-well, if you
were drunk they would look like
"But papa, there is only one."
Frosh-What did the Dean
want to see you about?
Soph-Oh just a matter of pass-
The DUKE vs. LUNCEFORD
By DAVE DEXTER
Jimmie Lunceford or the Duke
of Ellington-who will win out in
Already nationally famous,
these two Negro band leaders are
awaiting the bell for the first
round of a battle of bands which
by the end of this new school year
will find one or the other ranking
at the top of the mythical pin-
nacle of popularity.
In another month the two orks
will have settled down for a win-
ter spot, and in the next few
months one will be determined
the winner of the coveted title
of "the nation's favorite."
Both bands are somewhat alike,
and yet they each have their own
peculiar styles which are instant-
ly discernible to the average lis-
The Duke has been in the game
a long time. When he was 14
years old he earned cigaret money
pounding the piano at private par-
ties in the neighborhood of his
home in Washington, D. C. He is
37 now, and since 1927 has held
undisputed reign as tops in the
But early in 1934 another fast-
stepping colored orchestra came
into the picture. Unheralded,
composed of thirteen unknown
musicians, this new band proved
a smash hit the first week of its
opening appearance in New York.
The "dark horse" outfit was led
by a 34-year-old Missourian
named Jimmie Lunceford, holder
of a B.A. degree at Fisk Univer-
sity and a four-letter man in
Lunceford's boys skyrocketed
to popularity the first six months
they occupied the ornate band-
stand at Harlem's swanky Cotton
Club. The Duke and his men,
meanwhile, plugged right along,
spending most of the time touring
the country in theaters and the
better night clubs.
By late 1935 the remaining
colored name bands, including
those headed by Noble Sissle,
Cab Calloway, Earl Hines, Fletch-
er Henderson, Claude Hopkins,
Lucky Millinder, Chick Webb,
and Don Redman, all dropped by
the wayside in the spectacular
race for highest honors in music-
dom. Henderson made a brief rally
early last spring, and Chick Webb
appears to be up-and-coming at
present, but neither ever ap-
proached the records set by the
The Duke and the "Harlem
Express," as Jimmie is labeled,
have had similar careers. Elling-
ton first went to New York back
in '23, with Sonny Greer, who is
his drummer today, Bill Miller
on banjo, "Tobie" Tobin in the
sax chair, and Otto Hardwick
with his clarinet. They ganged up,
worked off and on, and in De-
cember, 1927, opened the Cotton
Club, where later was to be the
scene of their rival's first triumph.
Ellington augmented his band,
experimented with stylized ar-
rangements, and by 1930 was
acknowledged everywhere, Eu-
rope included, as the peer of all
band leaders. His inherent mus-
ical genius added to. his popularity
with his composing numerous
tunes, virtually all of which
caught the public's fancy. A long
string of waxings for Brunswick
and other companies established
him further. Commercial radio
programs gave thim still another
boost. He and his band were
even featured in motion pictures.
Lunceford waited until 1934 to
blossom out with his band. In-
stead of a gradual rise to the
heights, the former Fulton, Mis-
souri, virtuoso established himself
on the same par with the Duke
in a few short months. Eddie
Tompkins and Paul Webster, the
boys who hit the 'high E above
F's on trumpets, were Kansas
City boys who the winter before
had cast their lots with Jimmie
when he announced his plans to
crash the big time with a bang.
(Continued on Page 23)
Today in Missouri
-As Arthur Brisbane Might Write It
There are many freshmen en-
tering the University. That is
good. Any university should have
freshmen-in fact all universities
have freshmen at some time or
other. Let us be thankful that
there are freshmen.
Freshmen go in for sports. I
heartily believe in this. I have a
great respect for athletics. Ath-
letics build men. And Missouri
needs men. We should be happy
that freshmen go in for sports.
Freshmen are impressionable.
That is not good. They are liable
to listen to COMMUNISTS!
THEY SHOULD NOT LISTEN
TO COMMUNISTS ! COM-
MUNISTS EAT BABIES !
MOSCOW GOLD SHOULD
NOT HAVE ITS EFFECTS ON
OUR NICE FRESHMEN.
EVERYBODY IN RUSSIA IS
STARVING. That is not good.
People should not starve-not
even in Russia. Even Stalin is
starving-THAT IS GOOD!
STALIN SHOULD STARVE-
THEY SHOULDN'T LET HIM
EAT ANY MORE BABIES!
Our freshmen should not be im-
Women also are entering the
University. Women are a ne-
cessity-and it is a great Amer-
ican principle in this beloved land
of ours that we must all be equal,
and that even women can get an
education if they have tuition. We
are all equal-until the women
get into sororities-then of
course, they should fall into a
caste system-Pi Phi-Kappa,
and on down (or up). But wom-
en are nice-I have great respect
Freshmen have trouble witlh
registration. That is not good.
Registration is very simple. IN
RUSSIA REGISTRATION IS
COMPLICATED-it should not
be sol RED TAPE IS ALL
THE RUSSIANS HAVE TO
Many Stephens girls are com-
ing to Columbia. Freshmen
should be democratic and tolerate
Stephens girls-because by Jan-
uary they will be glad to get a
date at Stephens. I have a great
respect for Stephens girls.
Landon is our Saviour! We
must elect Landon. Even fresh-
men should vote for Landon-he
will put an end to this reckless
spending of our hard-earned mon-
ey. Roosevelt is a demagogue-
he tries to feed starving millions.
Feeding starving people is reck-
less spending. Tihey could work
if they wanted to work. Vote for
(Is that all right, Mr. Hearst?)
Shakespeare Lives On
Editor's Note: The classics al-
ways live, and we nominate the
following paragraph, clipped from
a Columbia daily, to be preserved
with the great collections of real
art. Showme hopes to beat Street
& Smith publications to the door
of the writer of this gem that ap-
peared on the front page ih con-
nection with a news story. The
The setting for the robbery last
night was ideal. Intermittent
showers, continuous flashes of
lighting and cracking bolts of
thunder which seemed to split the
very firmament and tear into
shreds the heavy black and gray
storm clouds which hid the full
moon, gave to the criminal abroa'd
last night, a night of nights for
his work. Too, the eerie, fantastic
electrical displays overhead held
law-abiding citizens at home be-
hind drawn blinds and thus les-
sened the potentiality of detec-
*"NOW JUST WHAT DID WE DECIDE TO NAME HER?"
KING FOOTBALL REIGNS!
Local Observer Peeks Behind
the Scenes of the Big Six,
prophesies and prays
By MARK COX
ING Football reigns again!
Every year, when the glow of
early autumn comes creeping over
the college campuses of the na-
tion, the mighty monarch of col-
legiate circles strides to the sports
throne once more.
And every loyal subject of the
athletic kingdom thrills to the
core, for here is the great and
magnetic ruler who works his
miracles with a magic touch.
The secret of the king's power
lies in his uncanny ability to hold
his subjects enthralled, to grip
them with dozens of surprises,
astonish them with undreamed of
events-twists and turns of grid-
iron fortune that seem the work-
ings of a harassed and addled fate.
Indeed, the king has been accused
of vagaries, but the net result
each year seems more like the
creation of an inspired, unfathom-
Now it is the sport of the king's
jesters, each year, to try to pre-
dict the royal will, to attempt a
forecast of the fortunes of foot-
ball wars before the king's finger
has moved and cleated shoes have
written history across the white-
As one of this ancient and hon-
orable troupe, the king's jesters,
we shall contribute our part to-
ward our ruler's amusement. Our
particular assignment has to do
with a sector called the Big Six,
and we shall predict what will
happen across the plains of Mis-
souri, Nebraska, Kansas, Okla-
homa and Iowa State and you can
smile with the king as, later, he
does as he pleases.
Down in the state of "You got-
ta show me" fame, a band of foot-
ballers, commonly referred to as
the Tigers, are being looked after
and brought along by their youth-
ful handler-Coach Don Faurot-
who is fast becoming one of the
most popular grid mentors in the
Sixteen lettermen, a dozen cap-
able reserves and a host of prom-
ising sophomore huskies will com-
pose one of the most formidable
squads to defend the Black and
Gold goal since the days of
For several years past the Ti-
gers have been practically a door-
mat for the entire conference, but
now the worm has turned. Last
fall saw the M. U. forces upset by
but two outfits in the Big Six-
the championship Nebraska Corn-
huskers and the powerful Okla-
homa Sooners. This year prom-
ises the Tiger fan a still more
pleasing story, with even these
two aggregations surveying the
Missouri striper with a wary eye.
This year we predict Tiger de-
feats at the hands of only these
same two teams, but we further
predict victories instead of ties
in the other three conference tilts.
The annual Missouri-Kansas
State game will open the confer-
ence schedule Oct. 10 at Manhat-
tan. The Wildcats will place a
veteran team on the field, with
juniors and seniors filling in most
of the starting berths.
"Enthusiasm is running high
and we expect to have a good
football team," Wildcat Coach
Fry exclaims, "but as to cham-
pionships," he continued, "let us
dismiss all thought of a title. We
can, I hope will, have a good
The Aggies' neighbors, the K.
U. Jayhawkers, are making no
bones about their losses suffered
by graduation. The 1936 cap and
gown toll played havoc with Jay-
hawk chances of putting a cham-
pionship contending team in ac-
tion this fall, or at least before
Up at Iowa State, also, the out-
look for a successful season ap-
pears to be far from cheery. A
light but scrappy team seems to
be the Aggies' bid for its share of
Word comes from Harold
Keith, director of the Sooner
sports service, that Oklahoma will
be ready to march this fall. Says
"Major Lawrence ("Biff")
Jones' young Red Shirts-four
teams of 'em wheeling and cutting
with the snap of trained cadets-
got a thorough drill in their new
double wing-back formations dur-
ing the spring practice and early
season drills, and are eager for
the season to get under way."
Nebraska's crimson bedecked
Big Six champions rule heavy fav-
orites to cop the conference gon-
falon again this season. Coach
Dana X. Bible will be missing
only Jerry LaNue from his flashy
backfield of last fall. And with a
trio like Caldwell, Howell and
Sam Francis, the U. S. Olympic
shot-putter, returning for another
campaign, nothing short of a
Kansas dust storm can stop them
from repeating this fall.
Captain Al Londe
By F. PAUL MARGOLIS
A native of St. Louis, Al first
saw the light of day twenty-one
years ago. However, he did not
have a varied and checkered ca-
reer, as many journalists would
be wont to say. He passed as nor-
mal a life as any other youngster
growing up in the wilds of St.
Louis. He went through Roose-
velt High School, playing foot-
ball only in his last year.
Al is at present a senior in tihe
School of Journalism, majoring in
advertising. He lately was honor-
ed with the Harry Tidd Scholar-
ship given for scholastic and ath-
When Al first entered the Uni-
versity he packed only 150 pounds
on his 5 foot 9/2 inch frame.
Since his freshman days he has
added ten pounds. He first won
his letter in 1934 and repeated
the following fall. His greatest
ambition every fall is to beat the
two St. Louis teams, St. Louis
His greatest thrill in football
was the comeback the Tigers
made against Colorado last sea-
son. As Missouri fans will re-
member, Colorado received the
kickoff and marched down to a
touchdown within five minutes.
Instead of folding up as had so
often been the case in former
years, the Bengals set to work
and a few minutes later took the
lead, never to relinquish it for
the remainder of the game.
Captain Londe likes the gals
but takes his studies and football
more seriously-so he says. His
CAPTAIN AL LONDE
ideal girl must have a good shape
with an All-American halfback's
swivel hips. Of secondary consid-
eration are the face and disposi-
tion although a pleasant face and
cheerful disposition are much to be
desired. The color of her hair and
eyes also are not of prime im-
portance. Al doesn't explain why,
but intelligence does not enter
into his idea of the ideal girl.
However, we have a hunch that
Al doesn't want any intelligent
girl making a sucker of him. A
girl would have a tough job doing
it, for the wise tackles and ball
luggers of the Big Six schools try
it and have no luck.
Once upon a time there was a
poor little girl named Cinder El-
len, who pledged a sorority when
she went to. college. She was
caller Cinder because she was
once hot stuff, but was all burnt
out. Rather than keep her stored
away in an asylum, her parents
sent her to a university. Like a
fellow who gets on a street car
with a dime, there was no. change.
She was a poor little girl with
only a V-8, whereas her sorority
sisters owned 12's and 16's and
Cinder had only 12 hats, 10 pairs
of shoes and no mittens. Mocked
and scorned, she cheerfully went
about her pledge duties because
she knew no better.
On the night of the Frog Hop
Formal, the sorority house was
a-buzz with activity. The girls
were gulping shots of bracer in
preparation for the ordeal, but
poor Cinder sat alone in a corner
crying, for she couldn't go to the
party with a run in her hose and
no fingernail polish on.
Hours later the house was de-
serted. Little Cinder remained
propped up in the corner, when
suddenly there came a blinding
flash. In the center of the room
stood Robert Taylor, Clark Gable,
Fred MacMurray and Mickey
Mouse, all rolled into one.
"Come, my fair one, don't you
cry," spoke the handsome figure.
"You shall come to Hollywood
with me where I will make you
the toast of the town."
"But I'm half fried already,"
"No time for banter," replied
the lothario. "We must be away;
quick like a moose."
Thoughts of the future stormed
Cinder's weary brain-cell. How
she could gloat when she peered
from the screen at some soro-rity
sister clutching hands with a dim-
The figure was speaking again.
"Come, come, Miss Ellen. If
you insist upon sleeping in class, I
shall report you to the dean."
The MUSIC BOX
By DAVE DEXTER
The Casa Loma gang is due to
move into the newly-remodeled
Urban room of Chicago's Con-
gress hotel soon . . . . Ray Noble
goes back into the Rainbow room
atop Rockefeller center . Kay
Kyser opens the Trianon ball-
.oom in Chicago . . . . Hal
Kemp remains at New York's
Astor hotel after breaking all at-
tendance records there this sum-
mer . . . . Little Jack Little
follows Ozzie Nelson at the Pal-
mer house in the windy city soon
. Benny Goodman has left the
Palomar in Los Angeles and is
now dickering for a New York
spot . . . . Ellington is touring
theaters . Fletcher Henderson
also traveling at present . . . .
Jimmie Lunceford hangs on at the
Larchmont casino near New York
and Paul Whiteman will remain
at the centennial celebration until
its close late in November.
Ben Pollack's band has shown the
most improvement in the last three
months, and it is a former Mizzou
dance band leader, Opie Cates, who
is largely responsible. Opie is fea-
tured on virtually all the clarinet rifts,
in addition to most of the vocals. A
few years ago Cates led the campus
ork here in a joint.
Best Record Of The Month-
Hal Kemp's "Sweet Misery Of
Love" on Brunswick. Skinny En-
nis delivers in his usual superb
style and Clayton Cash and
Mickey Bloom are right there
with their triplitized trumpets.
Don't miss this platter; it's bound
to send you.
Jane Froman, another ex-Missouri
U. singer, was suddenly ousted from
the cast of the new Paramount pro-
duction "Big Broadcast of 1937," which,
incidentally, will star Benny's Good-
men. Warner Brothers took Jane's
option immediately after Paramount
Officials of the Music Corpora-
tion of America are still trying to
sign a "name" leader to front the
late Orville Knapp's sweet ork.
The Knapp boys were left strand-
ed in Boston when their youthful
leader was killed in an airplane
spin-in last July. Knapp, too, was
a former jelly-joint musician here,
playing with Harold Stokes back
"Smiling Jack" Hackethorn, prom-
inent on the campus here from the time
he enrolled in the J-school about seven
years ago until he graduated last
June, is now in Washington, D. C.
shooting pictures for Acme. His first
assignment this summer was covering
one of President Roosevelt's jaunts in
his private yacht. Jack booked all
the name bands here and was a cat of
the first water when it came to dis-
cussing dance bands.
Waxings you'll like-Hudson-
Delange's "I Never Knew" and
"Sleepy Time Down South" on
Brunswick . "Give Her A
Pint" paired with "Moten Swing"
played by Andy Kirk and his
Kansas City swingsters on Dec-
ca . Casa Loma's new arrange-
ment of "Rose of the Rio Grande"
and "Bugle Call Rag," featuring
Pat Davis on tenor sax, also on
Decca . . . . Fletcher Henderson's
"Grand Terrace Rhythm" coupled
with "Rifflin' " on Victor. Note
Chu Berry's sax and Roy Eld-
redge's trumpet antics . . . . Hal
Kemp's stylized "Star Fell Out
of Heaven" and "Me and the
Moon," featuring the sax section
of Ben Williams, Porky Dankers
and Saxie Dowell on Brunswick
. Helen Ward's vocal on "Sing
Me a Swing Song" with Benny
Goodman's band on Victor.
Jan Garber is still in the hole.
Just about the time we were
taking our finals last May, Jan's
ace singer, Lee Bennett, up and
got married to a little blonde
named Judy Randall. Jan's ork at
the time was on the road; in fact,
the night after Bennett's marriage
the band played Kansas City's
Jan didn't like the idea of Lee
taking marital vows, so he
promptly fired the singer on the
spot. Then the fiery little leader
had to find a new singer.
Russell Brown was his choice.
He made his debut in Kansas City
May 27. Then the band went
west to Los Angeles, and later,
But since Lee Bennett left the
outfit, the band has had difficul-
ties. The usual successes, des-
pite a sour sax section, turned
into flops. Now Jan and his boys
are returning to Chicago, where
they will try for a comeback.
Maybe it's stubborness-but
Jan won't resign Bennett. Young
Brown has a nice barytone voice,
but patrons expect Lee's croon-
ing and nothing can take its place.
So Jan Garber is still in the
hole. He knows he and his band
are slipping, but he does nothing
So perhaps he deserves to slip.
Showme welcomes you to the University of
Missouri. "Beginners' Number" is dedicated
Beginning next month, each issue of Show-
me will feature an article or story by a
freshman author, printed with the writer's
picture and a short biographical sketch. Read
Showme to get an idea of the type of material
suitable for publication. Original ideas receive
Freshmen artists, writers of sports, fiction,
humor, society, gossip, and other special fea-
tures, are welcome to try-out for staff positions.
Showme welcomes you back to the campus,
with our sincerest and best wishes for your
success throughout the year.
We hope to add to your enjoyment and
entertainment by presenting a lively and in-
teresting magazine. Make known what fea-
tures are tops with you, and what ones you
would like to see in the discard.
Every student in the University is invited
to submit material for publication. We will
print all that is suitable.
All students are invited to join with us in producing the finest magazine ever
presented on this campus. Make known your likes and dislikes. Make your demands
to the editor and every effort will be made to comply with them.
We urge you to send us any material you think would be interesting to Showme
readers. We will give such material the same careful consideration as is given mate-
rials submitted by regular staff writers. Mail, or present in person, all material to
the Showme office, 107-109 Virginia Bldg.
We will appreciate your comments on this issue. The October issue will have in
it a full page of your criticisms and suggestions, printed with the letter writer's name.
Send in your manuscripts. Send in your letters of criticism. A better Showme
is our goal.
Official Humor and Literary Publication of the University of Missouri
A Staff Writer Learns of a Few Idiosyncrasies
of Beginners. Some Answers to Writer's Questions
Are Downright Confessions.
By HUGH WYLIE
Charles Stevenson, Cambridge,
N. Y.-Peoria born, but managed
to escape to Brooklyn at the age
of ten months. His father pub-
lishes the 142/2-year-old Wash-
ington County Post, oldest week-
ly in United States. Young Stev-
enson hopes to continue the fam-
ily tradition of running it, after
J-School graduation. Came to Ti-
ger Town to forget a girl. Sin-
cerely believes the N. Y. Giants
will be the '36 world champs, and
refuses to comment on the Brook-
Joe Peck, Tooele, Utah-Mili-
tary, football, and women are the
three things Joe plans to study at
Mizzou. Played football center
for three years way back home.
Girls are his biggest weakness.
Brunettes rate first and blondes
second, but only because they al-
ways stand him up. Never read
Shakespeare and doesn't care to.
Likes beer anytime, anywhere.
Expects to make $300 a month
after graduation. Good old Joe.
Al Goldman, Brooklyn, N. Y.-
Advised by Bill Corum, noted
sports authority, to learn journal-
ism at Missouri. Father manages
ex-lightweight champion Tony
Canzoneri, who, by the by, will
have a return match with Lou
Amber soon, according to Al.
Doesn't smoke cigarettes, but
buys 'em to pass out. Has read
Shakespeare and likes parts of it.
Doesn't consider himself a gen-
tleman because he prefers blondes.
Hangs his hat at the S. A. M.
Audrey Zeiser, Webster Groves,
Mo.-Another would-be journal-
ist. Likes to play, but studying
may come in handy. Her brother,
a Tiger grad, recommended this
spot. Benny Goodman's band
makes her hold her breath.
Thinks Columbia a friendly place.
Type of man she likes depends on
the time and place. Can be found
out at the Phi Mu house.
HVR, St. Joe, Mo.-Comes
from the land of milk and honey
-and Goetz beer. Wine, women,
and song is his ambition. Doesn't
drink everything, because milk is
repulsive. Sings at home and calls
Irving Berlin a good composer.
Blondes and brunettes and titians
are all okay, and the best gals
come from St. Joe. Likes Popeye
but hates spinach.
Milton Moran, Alliance, Neb.-
An honor student from Went-
worth Military Academy. Had an
appointment to West Point, but
came to Missouri. Doesn't smoke
or imbibe of liquors. Blondes ap-
peal to Milt, but he has more fun
with the redheads. Plans to enter
chemical engineering and study
hard. Likes to be sociable and
pledged S. A. E.
Harry Backer, Chesterfield, Ill.
-J-School his incentive to come
to Columbia, and Mizzou was
more than he expected. Worked
for oil company for two years
before entering school. Give
Harry a tennis racquet or a foot-
ball and he feels at home. Girls
don't bother him, but dancing is
his favorite past time. Broil a
rare steak and he'll accept your
invitation to dinner. Finds joy in
reading Oppenheim stories, and
would like to write a good detec-
Ruth Hope, Doniphan, Mo.-
The Columns remind this Doni-
phan Hope (pun) of Rome. Came
to M. U. to indulge in home eco-
nomics. Favorite sport is basket-
ball, and she captained a cham-
pionship Southeast Missouri High
School team. Piano-tickling Ed-
die Duchin leads her favorite or-
chestra. Ruth likes Shakespeare
and had the courage to memorize
McBeth. Tall, dark-haired, ambi-
tious men stand a good chance
with her. If Fredric March mov-
ies played seven nights weekly,
Ruth would have, seven busy
(Continued on Page 26)
(Continued from Page 1)
It seems that Kay Webb, Pi
Phi, was Frank enough this sum-
mer to let him know of Spring-
field loves. He has his Sigma Chi
badge back. Watkin she do about
it now that Kappa Humphries is
working on another rebound?
A hot summer, Mike Dirickson ?
We hear Texas was really tor-
ried. She was a fan dancer and
he, our lovelorn Sigma Chi boy.
He missed his bus and remained
behind to ask her to sign a con-
tract granting him the privilege
of buying her fans for life.
It seems that a Manhattan girl
this summer was so hard up that
she's now wearing the poor, old,
tossed around Sigma Nu badge
of our own Cliff "A new one ev-
ery minute" Faddis.
Cutino of Theta fame vows that
Carl Winter's Phi Delt pin isn't
going out this year. They will re-
main dear, dear friends, "Cutie"
Have Clyde Dillender, Phi Delt,
and Louise Carroll broken up be-
cause he was afraid of getting the
run around that the "college
glamor" girl gave the nice looking
Case boy and R. C. Pruitt, Beta.
Outstanding new girls on the
Mary Le Vec, Pi Phi-who is
so personable that she could even
talk a Beta into "tea-dancing" at
Barbara Brink, Kappa-she is
twice as full of fun as her naive
expression would lead you to be-
Billie Dee Durkin, Delta Gam-
ma-the men are all talking about
Nan Barnes, Pi Phi-a gor-
geous voice as well as looks.
Barbara Porter, Kappa-the
mannekin type-known for wear-
ing four bathing suits in one af-
ternoon and for being so beautiful.
Peggy Phelps, Gamma Phi-an
adorable little blonde thing.
Well I am back at skule an
everthing semes alrite so fur ex-
cep that I am awful onhappy.
Yew see, Ma, the gal I had ben
goin last yere has lef me. She sez
she is goin to be a housemade an
since that she is bizy all the time
and I caant see her. She mention-
ed som other man too, I believe.
The boys at the house have got
me a date with a gal who they say
will increase my me-tab-o-lizni.
I dont kno what that is but
everybody has got it they say and
so if ever one has I guess it wont
hurt none to have a little more
than usual. So I will let you kno
if I feel any diffrunt after my
I almost decided to go into
jernalizm on account of the fel-
lers say I am powerful hoomerus.
Maybe I cud be a Brizbrain. They
sed it wouldn't Hearst to try.
I am in military now again. I
am a Perishing Rifle they say.
I dunt know weather that means
I'm goin great guns or am a
goner. Dagnab it, all I do is
The guys say now that I am
disappointed in luv I orter take
hearticulture. I dont see nuthin
so funny there but they jist laffed
an laffed. These guys is some-
times awful. T'other day it was
bodacious humidifous and I was
hottern hell. The guys sent me
down to the city cooler and when
I got there, bathin suit onder my
arm, it warn't nuthing but a jail-
house. I got powerful discoom-
Well, I gotta go now, on ac-
count of how I gotta work. The
DinGee (don't that mean like
close are not quite clean?) girls
have got them a new house al-
most. I dunno why they call
them the dingy or DinGee gals
cause they is all clean. Anyway,
A CONVERT SOON
"I can't marry him, mother,
he's an atheist and doesn't be-
lieve there is a hell."
"Marry him, my cear, and be-
tween us we'll convince him that
DAIRY HUSBANDRY THEN
Soph-Why don't you major in
Dumb Frosh-Oh, no! I could
not think of living on a farm all
of my life.
Country Cop (on guard at
scene of tragedy): I tell you you
can't come in here.
Cub: But I'm a reporter. I've
been sent to "do" the murder.
Cop: You're too late; the mur-
der's been done.
"In what course will you grad-
"Oh! in the course of time."
they have almost got a new place
to live in and the boys here at the
house have ast me, on account of
how I am so strong, to go over
and get the sky hooks and help
them raise the roof. I never heared
of building a house like that but
people is funny here.
It may get cold hear now Ma
so maybe you better send me
some of Pa's old heavy under-
wear. Pleze dont send none of
that with the trap-door effect.
(P.S.-Mebbe a little mony too
Bids and Programs
by Ray Colcord
You are now witnessing the
birth of a new column. Probably
not the worst and surely not the
best. My own impression that a
column was supposed to treat
only one subject at a time has
been shattered. It's not that way
There seems to be no limit to
the number of things that may
appear in a column. So now I
have freedom to drift from my
main subjects of dances and
dramatic events on the campus,
to take a few stabs into the dark-
ness of scandal and stuff.
This month's column can be
nothing more than an introduc-
tion. I'll introduce a dramatic
organization to you who are not
acquainted with it, and make my-
self acquainted at the same time.
Workshop, campus dramatic or-
organization, will make its sea-
sonal debut September 23, when
Irwin Shaw's gripping "Bury the
Dead" is presented, under the di-
rection of Mr. Herbert Hake.
First, a word about Mr. Hake.
He comes to Missouri this year
from Port Arthur, Texas, where
he built a splendid organization
in the Port Arthur high school.
It is ranked among the top best
in the country.
And now for Irwin Shaw's one-
act play. See it. That is my im-
portant announcement this month.
See this powerful indictment of
war that is as original in its con-
ception as it is stunning in its
Anti-war plays grow on bushes
these days, and the certain ritual
of Spanish custom now being ex-
ecuted in not-too-far-away Spain
promises to increase production
of plays with this sinister theme.
However, Irwin Shaw is one
of those writers who will bear
watching-a thing also true of
the St. Louis Cardinals, children
at play and sorority pledges. But
"Bury the Dead" is of the caliber
fired from the pens of powerful
playrights. It's one reason why
Shaw will bear watching.
Mr. Hake informs us that new
students will be given ample op-
portunity to try-out for the pro-
duction. And to use Mr. Hake's
own words, "Everyone interested
in Workshop is welcome to at-
tend our meeting."
There are vacancies for direc-
tors and technical workers in the
organization. Shakespeare was
all wrong about everyone an
Everything in its turn, so now
for dances. There has been not
one-not a single one. That's not
a statement of rule, but a law. So
the freshman mixer cannot be
made an exception. Law is law.
It's not correct to say that the
first social venture of the year
was a bust, because the mixer is
not really a social function.
Rather it is one of the things that
happens, unnatural, grotesque,
monstrous. It just flies off into
space and leaves the natural order
of things. A nebulous cycleball.
The freshmen were quick to
pick up the five-word phrase used
by the upperclassmen when cut-
ting in: "What school are you
in?" The oldsters should have at
least introduced an alternating
line. In fact, they might have
asked a better question.
And the freshmen ladies could
have given better answers in most
cases. "The University of Mis-
souri," wasn't a good answer. And
the three or four Stephens girls
in attendance lied. All in all,
everyone bore up wonderfully
well, and the curse is over for
Covering the World in August
(Continued from Page 5)
sourian the night before. The
significance of the early story in
the paper, so far as the reporter
was concerned, was his knowl-
edge that he was "getting the
news." Real news, too.
-And they told him going to
school in August would be dull!
Well, after that, Audrain Coun-
ty decided to celebrate its 100th
birthday anniversary. The com-
mittee in charge of the hullabaloo
made big plans-and that made
More than $13,000 was spent in
preparing for the affair. Gov. Guy
B. Park and Mrs. Park were in-
vited, along with several other
state officials; a famous radio
star; and two squadrons of air-
The Missourian reporter, with
the murder mystery behind him,
left with a photographer to cover
the blow-off. The story was tele-
phoned to the paper, a story with
color, hurly-burly, and a lot of
noise. A public address system,
a salute of thirteen guns, and the
airplanes, taken all at once fur-
nished sound aplenty.
There was nothing dull in the
ride the two Missourian newspa-
permen had in one of the official
cars. It wasn't according to
Hoyle, maybe, but the two sneak-
ed into a car behind the Gover-
nor's party. Behind wailing sirens
and with complete disregard to
winking traffic lights and stop
signs the two stowaways drove
to the fair grounds-across town
at sixty miles an hour-and it was
-And they told him going to
school in August would be dull!
Disasters happen just like mur-
ders. One can't tell when they
will happen. So before the cen-
tennial celebration had got a full
head of steam a big story broke.
It was the Moberly mine disaster.
The Missourian photographer
hopped into a car with Homer
McCowan, Mary Kathryn Wil-
liams and Jo Ann Mason-the lat-
ter three were reporters from Mex-
ico-and hit the highway toward
Moberly. The reporter whose fate
had been forecast by those who
predicted a dull summer for him,
stayed behind. It looked as if it
would be a dull time, for he had
to cover the horse show at the
Nothing lasts forever and the
horse show was no exception to
the rule. As soon as the last horse
had pranced before the judges,
the reporter was enroute to Mo-
berly where things were going on.
Four men were trapped in a
mine shaft, apparently doomed to
die there despite promises made
by rescue crews. It would merely
be a matter of time until the fate
of the men could be learned-and
the length of that time was rath-
The reporters stayed at the
mine all night and until noon the
next day. Progress in the mine
was slow and it was known that
the men could not be reached for
several hours, so the reporter re-
turned to Columbia.
He was conspicuous with one
good-sized beard, one pair of ruin-
ed flannels, about a pound of
caked dust, two heavy eye-lids
and an empty stomach.
-And they told him going to
school in August would be dull!
Two days later when he re-
turned to the mine he witnessed
the rescue. Two of the four men
had succumbed to the seventy-
two-hour ordeal in the tomb. The
other two were alive.
The reporter saw the first come
up and wave his hand in acknowl-
edgment of the cheers from three
thousand people at the top of the
mine. He saw the two sheet-cov-
ered bodies of the dead lifted and
placed in ambulances.
That was all there was to it.
Time had come for another big
story to break, but it didn't be-
cause the summer had officially
closed for the reporter.
A few days later the reporter
attended a movie, and there on
the screen were the pictures of
the mine disaster. But it was dif-
ferent. There was no feeling of
the 108-degree temperature as
there had been at the mine, and
the dust didn't swirl in the wind
and get into the eyes.
For the first time the summer
had begun to get dull.
"Do you like short skirts,
"Naw, they get lipstick on me
shoit when I dance with them."
"I won't write any more, dear,
my roommate is reading over my
"You're a liar."
.The chemist had had a scene
with his wife, who finally broke
down crying. Whereupon he
"Stop crying! Your tears have
no effect on me. What are they?
A small percentage of phosphorus
salts, a little sodium chloride. All
the rest-water. Bah !"
*"THE DIGNITY OF THE LAW AND THE POWER OF THE PRESS."
(Continued from Page 8)
To start with, in order to pack
a towel, you first have to get
your hands on it-and if it be-
longs to a hostelry, tihis job of
placing hands on is not always
A bath turkish is too large for
an amateur to even consider pack-
ing wet-and always they are
wet. A Pullman towel offers the
amateur better odds for success.
In fact, even I, an experienced
wet packer, favor the Pullman
hands and face variety.
They are popular too. Every-
body tucks one in his shaving kit
or his bath robe pocket. The Pull-
man towel has great mobility.
Experts can deftly stow away one
with three bars of Pullman soap
wrapped inside, and talk to the
porter, George, at the same time.
A minimum of sleight-of-hand
ability is necessary.
Here's the technique I recom-
mend. The big thing is to keep
talking to George. Keep him in-
terested. Placing yourself in a
high income tax bracket is some-
thing George will listen to while
you hook a fifteen cent towel. And
after you have the prize in the
bag and step off the train, tip-
ping George only two-bits for his
two or three night's service is a
give-away on your high salary
gag. But what's the difference?
You may have four-flushed, but
you got the towel you were after.
It's packed and in the bag-and
let's pray it's packed correctly-
because it's wet.
The real solution to this prob-
lem has not been found. Scien-
tists are baffled. But I'm not.
Here are some pointers for you
to get along with until the time
comes when I can perfect a
For a long time I packed wet
towels by slipping tlhem in be-
tween the folds of my slicker.
(Continued on Page 24)
The setting is the terrace steps of President
* * *
Two 17-year-olds rest there, each a stranger
to the other.
"You a freshman?" asks one. He wears a white
Panama, and asks everybody he sees the same
* * *
"Yeah," says the other. "Graduated last May.
Cannon County Consolidated. You a frosh too?"
* * *
The Panama nods. "Got here last night. Some
The hatless one peers at the Columns. "Real
college town. First time I ever was here."
The one in the Panama rises. "Wish I had it.
Where's Waters Hall? I gotta go there with this
card." He's got a fist full of cards.
"I dunno. There's Jesse Hall," and he points.
He's right, it's Jesse Hall all right.
"Then where's Jesse Auditorium?" This from
the Panama guy.
* * *
"I dunno." You can tell by now that this guy
is a beginner.
* * *
You don't have to guess about this guy in the
Panama, either. He's a real beginner, listen.
"Where's room 108?"
* * *
"I dunno. It ought to be around here some
place. I think it is Red. Or maybe White."
* * *
"The hell with it." That's the Panama guy
speaking. There's some action in tthis boy. He
stuffs the cards into his pocket. "Let's have a beer.
Want a beer?"
* * *
"Sure." There's life in this 'dunno' lad.
* * *
"Where's a good place?"
"Let's go to the Dixie," and he points the
course as true as a compass.
And they were off.
* * *
Freshman learn witlh incredible speed.
* * *oeltzenlewchter.
DUKE vs. LUNCEFORD
(Continued from Page 10)
The rest of the personnel was
made up of capable, but unknown
performers who had never before
played with a name outfit.
Dancers and music fans over
the country began to take sides
on the respective merits of the
'two bands. White orchestras
were forgotten, to a certain ex-
tent. Arguments became more
heated all the time, and today the
competition is keener than ever
Lunceford at present is packing
them in at the Larchmont, N. Y.,
Casino, an elaborate new night
club which was opened only four
months ago and in which only the
Lunceford combination has play-
ed. The Duke is still- touring the
country, playing the best theaters
and night spots, after creating a
minor panic at the Texas Cen-
tennial earlier this summer.
It might be mentioned that the
two maestros are the best of
friends. Each has a personal higih
regard for the other. Both un-
hesitantly claim the other to have
the better band, and they'll both
laugh when you tell either of
them that they have the "best"
outfit in the country.
But despite this lack of personal
rivalry, the battle continues
among the more rabid dance
music perverts, especially on uni-
versity campuses in all sections
of the United States.
And it won't be long until
these two famous musicians and
their boys burrow in for the win-
ter at one of the more swanky
spots along the main stem in the
big city. Whether they know it
or not, the eyes and ears of a
dance-loving nation are going to
be trained in the direction of the
Duke and the Harlem Express
and their bands. By June one of
the two leaders is going to be
at the head of the class-undis-
Jimmie Lunceford or the Duke
of Ellington-who will win out
in the end?
She was a good little girl as far
as good little girls go, and as far
as good little girls go, she went.
-Kansas Sour Owl.
"Another combination shot," said
the co-ed as she leaned too far over
the billiard table.
-Northwestern Purple Parrot.
She laughed when I sat down to
How did I know she was ticklish?
A noted chef, asked the recipe
for his equally famous corn beef
hash, replied: "There is no recipe,
the stuff simply accumulates."
They call 'em virgin pines, be-
cause they've never been axed.
-U. of S. C. Carolinian.
First Negro: What fo' dat doctah
comin' outa youah house?
Second Negro: Ah dunno, but
ah's gotta inkling.
-C. C. N. Y. Mercury.
Freshman: May I have the last
dance with you?
Footsore: You've had it.
Mr. Jones: Do your daughters
live at home?
Mrs. Smith: My, no. They're not
Patient: Doctor, are you sure this
is pneumonia? Sometimes doctors
prescribe for pneumonia and the
patients die of something else.
M. D. (with dignity): When I
prescribe for pneumonia, you die
-Williams Purple Cow.
Some girls are not afraid of mice;
other girls have pretty legs.
"I've got a fine Arabian antique."
"Maybe so, but I've got a Bed-
-Penn State Frosh.
THAT WOULD HELP
Editor: Say, this story can't be
printed. It says here that the hero-
ine was nude.
Author: That's all right. I cover
her with remorse in the next para-
-Ohio Sun Dial.
It seems a young man on his way
to a date had a flat tire. He got the
flat off after much trouble and then
went to the rear of the car to at-
tempt the spare. He exhausted ev-
ery tool in his kit on the thing, but
still it would not come off. Finally,
he just stood there swearing at the
top of his voice. Imagine his em-
barrassment to find the minister of
his church behind him with a very
disapproving look on his face.
"Young man, why don't you try
praying?" said the minister sternly.
Being at the end of his rope, the
young man got down on his knees
"0, Lord, please loosen this tire
for me. Amen."
As he got up from his kneeling
position, he touched the tire which
fell off into the road. The minister
stared open-mouthed for a moment.
"Well, I'll be damned " said he.
During the recent turmoil in
Cuba, the U. S. Ambassador was
having a conference with the presi-
dent at the capitol when a messen-
ger entered hastily, went up to the
president, whispered something in
his ear, and then dashed out. The
president rose slowly and with an
apologetic look on his haggard face,
said, "Excuse me, sir. I'll send the
new president in to finish our con-
-Penn Punch Bowl.
(Continued from Page 22)
That was an ideal place and
nothing else ever got wet. I
heartily recommend this trick to
those who are in a position to use
But I got married soon after I
devised this unique feature of wet
towel packing. Marriage always
complicates the packing of a suit-
case. By the time all the silks
and rayons are in, there's not
much room left. A tooth brush
and razor and that's about all.
Then there was Junior at a very
early age. My wife threw a wet
blanket over my slicker idea and
I was crowded out.
I switched over to hat boxes
after that, but again there was a
vehement veto from the little
woman. Wet towels and hats mix
-especially if the hat happens to
have a feather.
There is nothing as lovely as
a genuine, long, heavy turkislh. I
admire them like other people
admire pictures or horses. A
towel is a work of art to me.
That's why, when I can't think
of a way to pack one from a hotel,
I become desperate.
I remember the last time I be-
came desperate. The most lux-
urious piece of bath drapery I
ever beheld was what motivated
me. It was one of those expensive
bath turkish that the Statler sys-
tem supplies in five dollar rooms.
I wrung it out and held it before
a fan, but it dried slowly. My
train was about to leave. I could
not miss it, and I couldn't pack
the towel. My wife said I
couldn't. It would spoil her
clothes, she said. I wanted to
I thought. And I thought. But
I couldn't think of a way. At
last, as the bell boy was carrying
our bags out into the hall, I
rushed back to the bathroom and
stuffed the precious towel into the
pocket of my polo coat. Polo
coat pockets are large.
Nothing would have happened
had I not forgotten. As I step-
ped into the main lobby I reached
for my wool scarf. I tugged at
my pocket and pulled out the
towel. It uncoiled, a loose end
hit the floor with a watery swish,
and there it hung-me holding
it up with my hand to its full six
Later, the Statler management
sent me one just like it. Now, if
I can get one more like the one
given to me, my wife will make
me a bath robe.
Our linen closet at home is a
revelation. The towels there rep-
resent dozens of damaged suits;
hard, leather-curled shoes from
water soak; spoiled shirts from
mildew; and once a two-week
supply of clothing was destroyed
by fire when, spontaneous com-
bustion took place. A wet towel
Some of the towels are dainty.
No bigger than a handkerchief.
Others are rugged and heavy, like
those from my club, turkish baths,
gymnasiums, and ?hotels. Others
are decorative. Most of the pretty
ones have come from homes
where the hostess dared to use
her guest supply.
But they all were wet when I
first got them. My research in
this field will go forward. My
ingenuity and resources will be
put to it until I get a workable
plan for packing them wet.
Big Cash Reward
Are you so homely that you al-
ways look at the reverse side of a
pocket mirror to keep from scaring
yourself to death? Do you sleep
with your face in the pillow just to
be kind to burglars? Do men dodge
you when you walk down the street
instead of Packarding or Rolls-
Roycing you? Are you knock-
kneed, cross-eyed, pigeon-toed, and
hawk-nosed? Do you have to pre-
tend that every day is Hallowe'en
before you have the courage to go
downtown? Are you the kind of
girl that jealous wives like their hus-
bands to go out with? Are you lan-
tern-jawed and droop-lipped? Do
you pray for rain so that you can
hide behind an umbrella? Are you
sweet sixteen and never been kissed ?
Do crooners swoon when you look
at the radio? Do your hands dangle
below your knees and do your pair
of shoes equal one cow? Are you
called to the 'phone every five min-
utes to turn down a side-show offer?
Do you protect yourself from peep-
ing Toms by leaving the shades up?
Now then, take stock of yourself.
Get a toe-hold in the carpet and
crack the mirror with one good
stare. Are you the female described
above? If so, sister, I'll pay you
fifty dollars spot cash for an an-
swer to this article. All you have to
do is drop me a line and tell me the
hiding place of that dizzy, long-
eared bum who dug you up for me
in a blind date last Saturday night.
-Penn Punch Bowl.
Mrs. Jones: "Look, dear, how
picturesque; the Browns are bring-
ing in a Yule log."
Mr. Jones: "Yule log hell, that's
"Do you know what time it is?"
*"IT'S THAT NEW ENGINEER POPPING CORN IN THE BOILER."
LETTER FROM HOME
I do hope you will come for the Christmas holi-
days. Mother and I have arranged everything so that
we will be ready to receive you. All the cars are going
to be overhauled and painted during the vacation so
that you will not be able to wreck them. All my
champagne, beer, wine, and gin will be locked in a
steel vault which I had installed in my cellar. Your
brother's bank has been emptied and the money de-
posited in the bank where you cannot get it. My ties,
shirts, socks, gloves, tux, etc., have been placed in a
strong trunk, for which I have the only key. My
cigars and cigarettes will not be available as I am also
locking them in a humidor. I hope you will come to
see us. I know that I shall enjoy your visit very much.
P. S.-I also fired the maid.
Smith's Da-Nite Studio,
Radio Electric Shop
(Continued from Page 17)
Lucille Shy, Ellington, Mo.-
Her name is misleading. Spent
two years at William Woods Col-
lege. Has blue eyes, blonde, 5
feet 6 inches tall, and tolerates the
boys, especially the tall ones. To
her the local expression, "Jelly
Joint," meant a place for people
to relax and let themselves go.
"Sophisticated Lady's" her mus-
ical weakness, and she does the
number on a piano. Considers
smoking and drinking okay. Chi
Omegas call her sister. Writes
poetry but says not to hold it
against her. Final quote: "Eat-
ing wheaties makes me the girl
Elaine Lou Jenkins, Kansas
City, Mo.-Dropped down from
K. C. with a scholarship, and
thinks Columbia is unique and
friendly. Curly blonde hair is one
of her charms, and her ambition is
writing. Once worked for her
aunt, Mrs. Stover, famous name in
candy. Celery appeals to her
more than candy, however. Read-
ing always delights her, and
Elaine makes a hobby of collect-
ing story plots. Intellectual boys
that can be good friends are wel-
come. Likes Shakespeare because
his writings seem so modern.
Thomas Fagan, Colorado
Springs, Colo.-"Columbia's hot
as hell, but friendly," says Tom-
my. His first train ride from
Centralia to Columbia was "mir-
aculous and sensational." Beauti-
ful girls and display of prosperity
impressed him. Out of business
school for several years. Worked
in U. S. forestry service, and
tossed over a secretarial job to
enter M. U. as a pre-journalist.
He's a true democrat and favors
F. D. R. Favorite color is blue,
prefers brunettes, whiskey is the
tops in drinks, and Tommy can
really massacre a plate of fried
Jim Ashley, Salmon River,
Idaho-Comes from the land of
potatoes, but doesn't especially
care for them. Thought Centra-
lia-Columbia train ride was "rot-
ten," but says Idaho boasts of
some poorer lines. Understood
"Jelly Joints" to mean a sissy out-
fit. Plans to study chemistry, and
ambition is to go a-sailing to
Annapolis. Doesn't drink or
smoke, but girls are all right once
in awhile. Drowns his sorrows by
playing a clarinet.
'I shall put you fellows in this
room,' said the host, "you'll have a
comfortable night, for it has a feath-
At two o'clock in the morning one
of the guests awoke his companion.
"Change places with me, Dick.'
he groaned, "it's my time to be on
Speaking of songs, have you
heard the parachute song-"It don't
mean a thing if you don't pull the
"My grandfather was the hardest-
drinkin' fastest-shootin', quickest-
killin' bad man on the Texas bor-
"Did he carry two guns?"
"No, when he had two men to
kill, he made a billiard."
A preacher walked into a saloon,
ordered milk and by mistake was
served a milk punch.
After drinking it, the holy man
lifted his eyes to heaven and was
heard to say: "0, Lord, what a
Things are so bad in Hollywood
that King-Kong is working for an
Undertaker: "Come, come, where
is the sixth pallbearer?"
The Minister: "Pardon, sir, he's
proposing to the widow."
Long-Winded Lecturer: "If I
have talked too long, it's because I
haven't any watch with me and there
isn't a clock in the hall."
Student: "Yes, but there's a cal-
endar behind you."
"We'll have to rehearse that,"
said the undertaker as the coffin fell
out of the car."
-Iowa State Green Gander.
GUNSHOT AND BLOOD
Crack! A rifle report shattered
the stillness of the early morning.
The horse snorted, reared, and
the rider slithered from the saddle,
disappearing into the scrubby un-
Stealthily the man crawled for-
ward on all fours, gripping his rifle
in one hand.
"Ah ha!" he cried fiendishly, as
he seized the crippled rabbit before
it could duck into a gopher hole,
and ducked into the hole himself.
We always laugh at the prof's jokes,
No matter what they be;
Not because they are funny boys,
But it's darn good policy.
And it took us three months to
figure out if the word "Petty" on
those luscious bits of cartoon fem-
ininity in Esquire was the artist's
name or just an editorial comment.
-U. of Wash. Columns.
THAT DRUNK AGAIN
Drunk (phoning to wife) : "Thash
you dear? Tell the maid I won't be
home tonight ?"
THE VILLAIN HRS.
A man was once caught by his Mrs.
To the maidservant giving some Krs.
On perceiving his plight,
He suggested in fright:
What a most inconvenient mess Thrs.
Polite Salesman: Yes sir, and what is your pleas-
College Stude: Drinking and necking, sir, but just
now I would like to buy a tie.
-Mercer Bear Skin.
Joe (reading death statistics) : Say, Phil, do you
know that every time I breathe a man dies?
Phil: Then why don't you use a mouth wash?
Math Prof. (after finishing a long problem)-'And
so we find x equals zero."
Plebe-"All that work for nothing."
-West Point Pointer.
Estes Parks Studio
A young lady was called out of
bed one morning at 5 A. M. The
following dialogue ensued:
Voice:" How are you this morn-
Lady: "All right."
Voice: "Then I guess I have the
"Stand in back of your lover,
false woman," shouted the Scotch-
man, who found his wife in the arms
of another man, "I'm going to shoot
"Do you remember what Juliet
said to Romeo on the balcony?"
" 'Why in hell didn't you get or-
chestra seats?' "
-M. I. T. Voo Doo.
Tiger Beauty Shop
TEAR DROPS IN A GLASS OF BEER
By SLEWFOOT SIMPKINS
Eminent Authority on
A LITTLE advice to freshmen
seems to be the keynote of
this issue soI'll dish up just a little
more. Sooner or later you're go-
ing to date at Stephens or Chris-
tian, just to relieve the monotony
of hearing about what your date
did two weeks ago when she
dated that notorious Kappa Sig.
Anyhow-I once dated at Ste-
phens-and for Heaven's sake
profit from my experience.
As I was saying I got an in-
troduction to a long lanky gal-I
forgot where her home was-and
proceeded to date her. She de-
cended from a family of ministers
but was a nice girl anyway. I
dated her somewhat steadily for
about a month and then I met
another Stephens girl. She was
gorgeous-at least so I thought.
Well, I dropped the ministress
like a hot potato and went after
the new one. She was sweeter
than all hell and so I fell in love
-you know-love is when your
allowance goes for paying for her
Sunday night meals.
There was a hitch in it though,
for she told me she was in love
with a boy back home but that I
shouldn't mention it and she'd
forget about him. Within two
months she was wearing my pin
and saying she "thought" she
loved me. I walked on air and
kept on spending the allowance
on her but she was so sweet she
was worth it.
Came the end of school and she
didn't think she'd come back for
her senior year at Stephens. Well,
I used all kinds of salesmanship
on her and when she gave me my
pin back for the summer she said
she "might" come back.
I sent her three letters a week
during the first part of vacation
and she answered once in two
weeks. Then she stopped writing
and I wired her. No answer. I
then sent her a questionnaire like
this, asking her to check the cor-
Are you alive ( ) Dead ( )
Married () Divorced () Engaged
( ) Are you in love ( ) Mad at me
( ) Happy ( ) Sad ( ) Have I
offended you in any way ( ) how
( -----------------------------------. )
Whereupon I get a note from
her saying she is still in love with
this bloke back home and that I
didn't do a good job of making
her forget him last year. How-
ever she says she still wants to
Well, I got back to Columbia
September first just to be on hand
when she pulled in on the fif-
teenth. I still loved her.
I called her up after she got
in-I didn't meet the train-and
she said she'd see me that night.
In the meantime I heard stories
about how she was wearing or-
chids from the lad back home
when she stepped off the train-
this, of course, made me feel fine.
When I called for her she look-
ed more beautiful than ever and
rushed up and clasped my out-
stretched hand. She looked like
she was waiting for me to kiss her
but I was too stunned to do any-
thing like that.
On the date-jelly-she told me
she stopped off in Chicago for
twelve hours and that she was
tired as all hell. She was, so we
went for a walk and sat on the
same bench we did all last year-
that little nook next to Switzler
hall. We just sat and talked
about everything but us. So far
nothing exciting had happened
but at least she looked plenty
good to me and I was satisfied
just looking at her. I took her
home and as I was about to kiss
her goodnight she dodged clever-
ly and said I had to leave because
the housemother was coming. She
was-coming down from the third
floor and we were on the other
end of the first. Well, I didn't
argue the time of duration of a
kiss with her and I left. The next
evening I saw her in Harris' and
she gave me a hello that would
freeze Admiral Byrd's prize pen-
guin. I stopped and talked for five
minutes but, when she didn't in-
vite me to sit down, I left her
booth and went upstairs. Fifteen
minutes later I saw a fraternity
brother sitting with her so I de-
cided she doesn't want to see me
any more. Hell, I don't have to
be hit with Jesse Hall to make
me see what's what. Since then
I've sent her a note but no an-
swer has come, so I sit in Ad
Principles class and listen to E.
K. talk about the depression of
love and all that kind of stuff.
All the time I'm eating my heart
out because she's here and she
doesn't want to even look at my
ugly countenance. I don't sleep
nights, I don't eat and I smoke
three packs of cigarettes a day-
that's love too.
So you see, freshmen-watch
yourself when you date at Ste-
phens-some of them gals is poi-
son-so don't fall in love.
"Young man, what do (you miean bringing my
daughter in at this hour?"
"Gosh, 1 gotta he at work by six."
Philips & Co.
Campus Beauty Shop