Missouri Showme November, 1936Missouri Showme November, 1936 20081936/11image/jpegState Historical SocietyThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show193611Missouri Showme November, 1936; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1936
All blank pages have been eliminated.
Missouri
Showme
Homecoming
All Big Six
Selections
Showme Show
Theatre Talk
Saline
Humor
Cartoons
15 cents
Beech-Nut Gum
Miller's
Gaebler's Black and Gold Inn
Back to the old stamping grounds
Glad to see you back-Brother Jones-
and let's hope the likker in your
luggage is as old as your jokes.
Missouri
Showme
Rationale
By the time Homecoming fin-
ally comes, students and alumni
are so dizzy from "advance pub-
licity" on the event, they don't
know whether they are home-
coming or going.
The homecoming lads on the
cover carry the biggest share of
our part in the program.
The hitch-hiker on page one,
a former Showme editor, shoved
Showme Show back to page 15,
and that's our contribution to
homecoming.
Surprise! Not only did we
come out with a cover, follow-
ing Mr. Panitt's declaration and
quotation in the Missouri stu-
dent that we would come out
"Cover or no cover," but we ap-
peared Wednesday, instead of
Thursday, as quoted in the Stu-
dent.
From reading the plugs on the
front page of the Missourian
the J show apparently is shaping
up. (But the plugs have one vir-
tue. The lone author this year
is getting much less publicity
than the co-authors of last year.
But maybe he is not on the Stu-
dent or Missourian staffs.)
Getting back to the Showme,
the staff made every effort to
pack this issue with reading mat-
ter. (See "Are you a Misan-
thrope?" and "Monday 8 O'clock
or Asleep In The Seat.") We
VOLUME VI
0. 0. MCINTYRE
Godfather
HOWARD BRICKEY MERRILL PANITT
Editor Busniess Manager
EDITORIAL BOARD
ROBERT HANNON
Carl Winter Chas. Callison
EDITORIAL STAFF
EDMON OGLE .Feature Editor
PHIL BRONSON .Feature Editor
James Ragland
John McNutt
Dick Kanatzar
Walter Gelb
Margaret Servey
PORTER RANDALL .Theatre Editor
Jack Beck
Dick Joho
George Palmer
Dick McCue
RAY PORTILLA .Humor Editor
Wendel Mayfield
Josephine Synder
Doyle Innis
MARK Cox .Sports Editor
Tom O'Byrne
Charles Barker
Charles Underwood
CHANCE BOGGIANO .Art Editor
GEORGE HAWKINS .Art Editor
FRANKIE RICKSECKER .Showme Show
JULIA KENNEDY .Christian Editor
DOROTHY MONTGOMERY .Stephens Editor
BUSINESS STAFF
BoB HANNON Advertising Manager
Joy Smith
Maddie Breinig
Jane Bradford
Maxwell Lynch
Stan boughton
Louise Caffey
Rhoda Rheinhold
June English
GIL SEIDEL Promotion Manager
Joy Smith
Maddie Breinig
Sally Barth
CHARLES CALLISON .Circulation Manager
Ira Kohn
Charles Barker
Bill Harvey
JAMES WOODS Exchange Manager
Maddie Breinig
SMITH & BREINIG-
Business Manager Managers
PEGGY PHELPS . . Stooge
1936
Rationale
asked for levity in this month's
copy and received Liederkranz.
But it was tasty and is presented
for your judgment.
BLACKMAIL
Showme is scheduled to move
from the Black Hole of Calcutta
(Virginia building basement-
away back) to a new office when
the new journalism building is
completed. One of the privileges
of the editor and business man-
ager is to confer privately with
the journalism dean. The ex-
pected invitations came the other
day, and what held them up so
long we don't know. We figured
the nine weeks were up at least
a week ago.
As to campus activities, we
suspect that numerous dances
have been given by fraternities
and sororities. We suspect, for
we are not sure. We didn't re-
ceive bids. About time to go
through the files and do a little
blackmailing.
Just in case the printer leaves
out some of the names in the
mast head, we'll mention here the
names of Maddie Breinig and
Joy Smith who handled Showme
business affairs while the busi-
ness manager attended the Sig-
ma Delta Chi convention in
Texas.
You did read it, didn't you,
Amper?
THE EDITOR
NO. 3
The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional
journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy.
Copyright 1934 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized
exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices. 107-109 South Ninth Street;
office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return.
Prince Albert Tobacco
1891 --- 1936
AND MISSOURI HASN'T
About 2,000 spectators lined up
their carriages on one side of Ex-
position Park at Kansas City that
memoriable October day in 1891
and stood on the other side to
watch the first K.U.-M.U. football
game.
Compared to the worries that
beset present mentors of the two
schools, Professor E. M. Hopkins'
troubles over a shortage of suits
and shoes for his Jayhawk eleven
just can't hold a handle.
Coaches' worries have increas-
ed, the crowds have multiplied
about tenfold and the game is
still about as rough as in the old
days, expert opinion to the con-
trary notwithstanding.
Critics prone to prophesy that
the game of football probably
will become less virile as slick
pompadoured beau brummels
lineup eleven deep, take just one
look at the Jayhawk-Tiger fray
and withhold their preposterous
prophecies. The boys are still as
uncourtly on the gridiron as ever
before.
There's sportsmanship, but it's
a type of gridiron etiquette, ap-
parently especially ordered for
this special occasion.
In this annual mixup every-
body manages to become involv-
ed. In Kansas City where belli-
gerent supporters mingle freely,
there is a melee a minute before,
during and after the great battle
at either Lawrence or Columbia.
page four
It's something like a civil war.
Partisan newsboys engage in fist-
icuffs, office workers do the same,
and St. Louis bank presidents get
off speaking terms with certain
of the board of directors.
But that's just a start. In the
great executive mansions of their
respective capitals, chief execu-
tives keep the telephone wires
hot between there and the re-
spective gymnasiums of their
respective state universities.
And the coaches express con-
fidence and reassure their respec-
tive chief executive that all is
well, but that it will be a battle.
That last statement generally
holds more truth than all the
others made by various commen-
tators.
Coach Ad Lindsey hasn't for-
gotten the last game he played for
K. U. Neither has Don Faurot,
but here's Lindsey's story first,
mixed in with Anton Stankow-
ski's.
It was in 1916 and Stankowski
was all-valley quarterback that
year when Missouri won the
game 13 to 0. Here's how:
Missouri added its second
touchdown of the game with only
30 seconds left to play. But as
much can happen in that period of
time as can happen in 30 minutes
in an ordinary game.
Some Lindsey strategy was ex-
plained to referee Joe Reilly just
before the Tigers kicked off to
Kansas. The plan was that two
Kansas men would be onside and
that the kickoff would be punted
back to Missouri.
That was what happened. Stan-
kowski, seeing the ball returned
by the kick, allowed it to roll deep
into Missouri territory so as to
kill time. But the Kansas hoax
was working and one of the on-
side Jayhawkers pounced on the
ball. It was Kansas' ball and
there was time for one more play.
Forty-Five Years of Rivalry
WON A GAME SINCE PROSPERITY
Since supporters always take
up any differences, however
slight, that arise on the field, the
spectators went wild-among
themselves-and not from excite-
ment exactly. Missourians pro-
tested.
Tiger players on the field pro-
tested and substitutes along the
sidelines made kindling of the
bench. Robbery was the charge.
Officials had the last word, rul-
ing an onside kick, and Kansas
took the ball at the point where
it stopped.
It was a shot at fighting off that
coat of calcimine which the Tigers
were attempting to apply. But
the plaster stuck as the infuriated
Bengals slapped down the Kan-
sans' attempted pass and the
game ended-so far as the play-
ing was concerned. The re-tell-
ing probably will never cease.
Don Faurot, now Coach Fau-
rot, remembers the blizzard that
raged during the 1923 game, and
how Captain Charley Black
place-kicked a field goal from the
20-yard line in the first five min-
ute of the game, putting the Jay-
hawks in the lead 3 to 0.
In the third quarter Faurot de-
cided Missouri should score a
touchdown so he took the pigskin
and raced 17 yards before the
Kansas captain overhauled him.
With the ball on the 33-yard
line, Walsh showed Black some-
thing about making field goals,
successfully guiding the oval
smack between the goal posts.
And that's the way that contest
ended, 3 to 3, as a blinding snow
storm raged.
The next year Don was on
Coach Gwynn Henry's team, with
Art Bond, Carl Bacchus, Linde-
meyer, Pete Jackson and Sammy
Whiteman. They took Coach
Potsy Clark's Jayhawkcrs to
town, 14 to 0. And that avenged
the tie game of the previous year.
A tie score of 5-all ended the
game in 1910, and the bitterness
arising from that contest linger-
ed long in the minds of Bengal
fans. For fuller details of what
happened that year, it is suggest-
ed that Mr. Frank B. Thatcher,
captain of the Tigers in 1910-11,
be questioned. He knows all
about it.
An army officer umpired the
game, calling fouls that seemed
unreasonable to the Missourians.
Ted Hackney placekicked a field
goal that would have won the
game, but the umpire called a
line-holding penalty against Cap-
tain Thatcher, nullifying the
score.
(Continued on Page 28)
THE ROVER BOYS AT STE-
PHENS or WHY I LIKE
PRUNES
Once upon a time there were
two Mizzou students. The first
was named Clarence, the second,
Joe.
Both decided they wanted dates
at Stephens. But there the simi-
liarity between the characters
ended. Clarence spent all his
time shining his shoes, combing
his hair, and preening himself.
Joe, on the other hand, read ad-
vertisements in the Showme. He
read all about the nice shops and
places in Columbia, and all about
the nice things the nice shops
would sell him.
One fine afternoon they went
to Stephens. Each had a blind
date. When they got there the
hostess of the hall informed them,
"Your dates will be down in a
minute."
So Clarence and Joe were left
with two hours to waste or spend
wisely.
What did Clarence do? He
moped. He brooded. He thought
of the injustice of it all. He
frowned. He stalked up and
FIFTY A WEEK?-THAT'D MAKE YOU PROFESSIONAL I
down. He was frought with
gloom. For two hours he waxed
gloomier and gloomier on a lush
divan in the parlor.
What did Joe do? Joe had
read the advertisements. When
he found he had two hours to
spare, a look of joy came over his
face. Be beamed. All was well-
he would go down and spend
money in the nice shops for nice
things. So off he went and spent
two delightful hours buying
things. He knew where to get
things because he had read his
advertisements. How gaily he
scampered from store to store!
Gad, what fun he had!
Two hours later the dates came
downstairs. Clarence's turned
out to be a beautiful wench in-
deed, whereas Joe's was one of
the most horrible examples of the
female species extant. At this
point it would sem that Joe was
out of luck. Virtue was not to
be rewarded. Alas. Alack.
But Clarence had worked him-
self into such a state of gloom
his beautiful wench soon tired of
him. She preferred Joe,-Joe, the
cheerful boy with the gay laugh,
page six
Ski-U-Mah
the joyful face and the nice things
from the nice stores.
Joe was only too glad to let
Clarence take Hepzibah, the hor-
rible hag, while he ingratiated
himself in the good graces of
Daphne. They are busy talking
about plans for the future and
such-like stuff, while Clarence is
still endeavoring to explain his
gloominess to Hepzibah, the hor-
rible hag. Joe is extremely hap-
py. Clarence is indeed unhappy.
The moral is simple, isn't it?
All you have to do is read the
advertisements. Go ahead and
read them now. Take your first
step towards success and a beauti-
ful date. Remember . . . ah, yes,
remember the horrible fate of
Clarence. Don't say you weren't
warned.
-bob hannon, with thanks
to the Dartmouth "jack-o-
lantern."
OPPORTUNITY BANGS ON
DOORS
Sunday rolls around once each
week-a holiday when Student
meets no classes. Since he
doesn't go to classes, Student
doesn't sit and listen to lectures.
Since he hears no lectures, Stu-
dent doesn't scribble bright say-
ings by professors in his note-
book. Since he doesn't write,
Student doesn't need ink in his
fountain pen.
The point we are trying to
make is that opportunity is
knocking at a door-probably at
one of the fireproof steel con-
traptions hinged to the new En-
gineering Laboratories Building.
Maybe some day soon while
some bright young engineer sits
gazing vacantly at a four-horse-
power motor-thinking of the
jelly date he is to have with a
Heavenly Thing as soon as
Switzler's bell tolls-he will hear
opportunity knock-knocking and
will answer./
Then he will go to work to
invent a fountain pen that won't
hold ink, to be used by Student
for not taking notes on lectures
he doesn't hear in classes the
doesn't attend on Sunday, which
is a holiday that rolls around
once a week.
Then there is the alarm clock.
On the whole it is a wonderful
institution-but, like most in-
stitutions, it can be improved.
This age demands less noise.
Milk-wagon horses are shod with
rubber shoes; motorists are for-
bidden to ride their horns longer
than two minutes per toot;
Student doesn't yell from Jesse
at his friends on the steps of Neff
Hall; and even the voice of the
dining-car waiter is somewhat
modulated when he bawls to the
cook Student's order for ham and
eggs.
Question: What has the alarm
clock done to keep up with the
times?
Answer: Not a thing! It
clangs just as loudly today as it
did when coeds wore highwater
skirts. Civilization progresses,
but not the alarm clock.
Question: What should be
done about it?
Answer: Cut out the clang.
Think how happy Student would
be if he had an alarm clock he
could set for, say, 7:30 o'clock and
know all the time the infernal
machine wouldn't make a sound
at that time the next morning.
So another field opens itself
to a campus inventor. With a
noiseless alarm clock at Stu-
dent's bedside the Make-This-
University - A - Better - Place -
To - Attend movement would
(Continued on Page 28)
"THAT FELLOW PLAYING OPPOSITE ELMER HAS A MEAN LOOK IN HIS EYE."
page seven
YOU KNOW HER AL
An Expose of a Notorious Feminine Technique,
Apparently Individualistic but Actually
Practiced by the Masses
By NORTHRUP PORTERFIELD
Sally is a composite coed with
a composite name-she's a slice
of this and a hunk of that jumb-
led into a hodgepodge that rep-
resents the SOPHISTICATED
college gal.
Sally once read the preface of
a Havelock Ellis book; so she
knows sex. She's studied the lives
of the movie lads and lassies-she
can tell you that Jean Harlow
wears pink nightgowns and that
Dick Powell eats raw onion sand-
wiches-so she knows the famous
folks.
She's quaffed a few anemic
whiskey-sours and gin-fizzes; so
she knows her liquor. She's an
accomplished pianist-she can
play "Come to Jesus," in whole
notes, if she has the music-so
she's an artist.
For winning a high school ora-
tion contest, where she spoke and
emoted "The Night Before Christ-
mas," she was given a trip to New
York; and in the city she rode
atop a boob-bus through Green-
wich Village and the Bowery and
the Harlem jungles; so she's been
places and done things. She's
memorized a few lines from Og-
den Nash and Dorothy Parker;
so she's a recognized wit.
Although her papa runs a gro-
cery store in Corn Hollow-he's
been watering the hamburger and
weighing his thumb for years to
get cash so that his Little Nell
could come to school, become a
Greek, and acquire culture. Sally
acts like a debutante; and a deb
acts like-(What does a deb act
like?)
page eight
Once when Sally had the hives
and her social calendar was cur-
tailed, she read a book in which
the blase heroine spat that she'd
had too much of everything and
was bored with it all. Sally's been,
oh, so bored ever since.
Now that we've studied the
background of our composite and
SOPHISTICATED femme, let's
date her. The following episodes
will contain just a few of the high-
spots in Sally's SOPHISTICAT-
ED life, including Sally at the
movie, Sally, and the art of con-
versation, Sally quaffing at a night
club, Sally jellying, and Sally be-
ing bored.
When Sally and you reach the
cinema palace, and while your
slapping down money for ducats
at the "how-many" window, Sal-
ly's face, for the benefit of plebian
onlookers, is a cross between
somebody not thinking anything,
Sally's favorite pose . . .
Naturally the show tickets are
downstairs. Sally isn't a bit whim-
sical, so she refuses to ever sit in
nigger-heaven and eat peanuts.
Gad, no!
When a Donald Duck short
comes on and everyone gets a
good belly-laugh, Sally is silent.
It's much too childish, don'cha
know, for her matured brain. But
when the feature unfurls and the
slinking heroine in a slinky gown
slinks across the screen-pursued
by a plucked-eyebrowed sheik
with evening dress draped over
his manly back-then Sally comes
into her own. There is the SOP-
HISTICATED life she knows!
There is drama! . . . and stuff.
Sally gleefully coos and waits
for the situation to develop. From
the Hollywood angle the plot-so
trite it stinks to high heaven-
will be this: Either the eternal
triangle will develop, or some-
body will have a baby, or both.
When the opus ends, Sally and
you wend your way to a cozy
dump, one of Sally's favorites.
Entering the place-Sally's nose
is at such an angle that if the
spider on the ceiling jumped
downward, he'd land in her right
nostril-you find a booth and flop.
There you sit while Sally orders
and eats a slop concocted of stale
pineapple, acid cherries, sour
whipped-cream, wormy pecans,
and lumpy sherbet, called on the
menu "Lovers' Delight."
(Continued on Page 21)
Old Gold Cigarettes
"What Does All Them Kisses Mean?"
page ten
SHOWME'S BIG SIX
HEROES OF THE 1936 CONFERENCE
FOOTBALL BATTLES
BY MARK COX
FIRST TEAM
L.E. Nelson Missouri
L. T. Heidel Missouri
L. G. McGinnis Nebraska
C. Betty Missouri
R. G. Holland Kansas State
R. T. Shafroth Iowa State
R. E. McDonald Nebraska
Q. B. Frye Missouri
L. H. B. Elder Kansas State
R. H. B. Cardwell Nebraska
F. B. Francis Nebraska
SECOND TEAM
L. E. Gustine Iowa State
L. T. Brown Oklahoma
L. G. Bock Iowa State
C. Conkright Oklahoma
R. G. Kirk Missouri
R. T. Shirey Nebraska
R. E. Shirk Kansas
Q. B. Cleveland Kansas State
L. H. B. Mahley Missouri
R. H. B. Londe Missouri
F. B. Breeden Missouri
HONORABLE MENTION
Backs:
Q. B. Howell Nebraska
H. B. Hewes Oklahoma
F. B. Mason Missouri
Linemen
E. Dohrmann Nebraska
T. Rau Missouri
G. Winslow Kansas
C. Brock Nebraska
T. Fanning Kansas State
The 1936 football season has
come and gone!
Heroes have been made over
night, only to be shorn of their
glory ere another weekend has
rolled around. Coaches have aged
five years in a single sixty min-
utes of play. Publicity men have
racked and reracked football-
weary minds to make the stadium
turnstiles click with greater reg-
ularity.
But a single scene remains to
be enacted in the great American
drama of collegiate football-that
of the selection of the mythical
all-star elevens. To Missouri,
this has but a single significance,
the selecting of those coveted
gridders who may be proudly
referred to as symbolic of Big Six
supremacy on the green-turfed
gridirons of the nation.
Our all-Big Six selection, as
viewed from the press box of
every stadium in the conference
with the exception of those of
the two teams who traveled here
to play, includes the monickers
of at least two members from
each of the six conference schools.
The first team roster presents
a cross section of the conference
approximately as a whole with
the championship Nebraska
Huskers and our own runner-up
band of Tigers placing four
names apiece. Kansas State tal-
lies a pair and Iowa State gains
a single name.
The end positions are awarded
to two 190-pound lads who stretch
well above the six foot mark.
Clyde Nelson, Tiger 6-foot-2-inch
junior from Granite City, Ill., is
given the nod at left end, with
Lester McDonald, 3-year letter-
man of Nebraska, earning the
right end assignment. Both Nel-
son and McDonald are excellent
pass-snaggers and are, without a
doubt, the strongest pair of de-
fensive wingmen in the confer-
ence.
Missouri's own Frank Heidel
teams with a hold-over all con-
ference performer of a year ago,
Iowa State's Harold Shafroth,
to handle the tackle posts. Shaf-
roth, a strong player on a weak
team, gained his label over Brown
of Oklahoma and Shirey of Ne-
braska by his brilliant offensive
play of getting down under a
majority of Poole's kicks to nail
the ball-carrier before he could
get underway.
The lofty Heidel left little to
choose in the line of left tackles
as he showed by his defensive
play against the veteran Kansas
State and Oklahoma lines. It
was plain to see that no all-con-
ference picks could be complete
without his presence.
(Continued on Page 24)
page eleven
Spirit of '06
"WELL-I'LL HAVE AN-
OTHER DRINK IF YOU IN-
SIST," SAYS DOOLEY JACK-
SON '06, THE LEANING AND
SLIGHTLY WOBBLING
TOWER OF STRENGTH IN
THE CENTER OF OUR COV-
ER THIS MONTH. "BUT," HE
ADDS, "MAKE IT A LONG
ONE, PLEASE."
Dooley is back at the State U.
to beer the boys on to victory
over Kansas and with him are
his two State U. pals of yester-
year. "Red" Impey (waving at
you) and "Tiger" Joe McGilli-
cudy (the flag bearer of the par-
ty).
Dooley is in the insurance busi-
ness and while at the State U. he
was a great mixer-of home
brew. He became famous over
night when, upon selling an in-
surance policy to one of our diary
keeping screen stars, Dooley said,
"Of course, this policy doesn't
cover all accidents."
His pal, Red, also attended the
State U. in days of old. He it was
who first said, when he and sev-
eral other of his freshman bud-
dies were tapping the home brew,
"Well, boys, freshmen on the
foam." Later he left school for
reasons that seem self-evident.
And now for "Tiger Joe". The
Tiger, as he was called because
of his caveman appearance, is
an author of some little conse-
quence. Back in 1921 he had the
best cellar of anyone in his neigh-
borhood. Tiger Joe once became
very drunk while drinking
scotch and "sodies" at Billie's
bar in New York.
The next morning he went
back to Billie's to get some more
scotch, because he felt that a
little hair off'n the dog that bit
him might help his hangover.
That night he didn't come home
--nor the next night-and in des-
peration his family called on the
G-men to find him. The G-Men,
fearing foul play, searched high
and low for the "Tiger" and after
a month had passed they finally
located him in Billie's Bar.
He had been sitting at the
same bar-on the same stool for
thirty-two days. He said that
he never had a hangover.
And so we present the "boys"
to you and we do hope you'll
like them and be nice to them.
And might we add that we hope
that each and every one of you
will have as good a homecoming
as Dooley and Red and the Tiger
are going to have. As a parting
shot, the Tiger yells, "Yea Mis-
louray-whip them Kansas
'Bears'."
THE COVER
The cover was modelled in clay by
George Hawkins and photographed by
Mr. English of the Estes Parks Studio.
If you care to see it in real life it is
on display at the Campus Drug Store.
Thanks goes to P. G. Keith for his
assistance with the dressing of the
figures, to Mr. J. Neukom for the
material, and to Mr. Red Graham,
who served as chairman of the trans-
portation committee-that is-getting
them to the Photographers in a good
condition. Also a word of praise to
the Deacon at the Campus Cab Com-
pany for his excellent handling of the
wheel of his magnificent taxicab. (Now
do I get to ride free, Deacon?).
G. L. H.
Renunciation
Yes, my dear, I'm fond of you-
I like the way you smoke that
pipe.
I like your eyes, your voice, your
hair-
I wouldn't have you changed at
all-
You're perfect, as you are.
I hate to lose you, but-fare-
well-
You haven't any car.
-Margaret Reeves
There was an old maid named
McKail
And each morning at ten she
would wail
As the mailman went by
She'd sigh and she'd cry
"Oh, please,-won't I ever get
any mail?"
*
Stoke
She: "No, I never fall in love;
I'm a stoic."
He: "Gawn, you can't fool
me; you're not one of them things
what brings babies."
PROF OR NO PROF, THIS IS THE LAST OUTSIDE
READING I'M GOING TO DO!
page fourteen
Monday 8 O'clock
OR ASLEEP IN THE SEAT
By Nomme de Plume
Because I am being a serious-
minded student of which there
are few on the campus, I sign
up for Psych 182, which is Prac-
tical Psychological Interpreta-
tion of Dreams. When I am fill-
ing out my course cards some-
one refers to the course as a snap,
but that in no way influences my
choice.
I am jellying down at one of
the local spots the first day of
school and happening to glance at
the time, find I am one hour and
forty minutes late to the first
meeting of the class. However,
having noted well that comment
on the snappishness of the course,
I am not worrying, thinking I can
explain away my absence with
day-dreaming.
On Wednesday I am going to
the class the first time. Being
a few minutes early I don't think
it unusual to find the professor
sound and snoringly asleep at his
desk, but I am not a little bit
surprised when one after another
the students slip quietly in, find
comfortable positions in the seats
and go to sleep. I worry about
this for almost one minute after
which I join the class in labora-
tory work.
Three times I come to class and
go asleep immediately as do all
the students and the professor.
No one speaks a word to me and
I speak a word to no one, which
is an ideal situation except that
the seats are as uncomfortable
as a chaperoned freshman.
The fourth time I am think-
ing that today I will stay home
to do my lab work in a comfort-
able place-my bed. Next day
I get a letter from the dean who
is suggesting that I pay him a
social visit. Which I do.
"You are cutting Psych 182
twice already now," he says
piercing me with a practiced
deanish eye. I am wisely refrain-
ing from speeches. After a time
he opens the oracle of wisdom
again and is reminding me of
certain University blue laws hav-
ing to do with cutting of classes.
I am yes-siring him. And as I am
leaving I am filled with wonder-
ment about how he is knowing
all. Also I am worrying about
my grade, as grades mean every-
thing in a university and I am
liking high grades for myself
when possible.
The next class meeting is here
and I am deciding to have words
with the professor so I approach
him for that purpose when a stu-
dent in the back of the room is
shushing me so violently as a law
professor, saying, "Shush, you
will be upsetting his neuronic
psychosis and things." That day
I am not getting any sleep at all.
One day a notice is posted on
the bulletin board. There is be-
ing a test in Psych 182 come Fri-
day. I go into the professor's
office and am finding him awake.
"You look unnatural to me that
way," I say and he is returning
the compliment by saying that I
look natural enough to him. In-
quiring what the test is to be
about I am no little put out when
he replies that it is covering the
lectures and text assignments.
I am mystified and go away
scratching my head.
On Friday I go to class and
am finding everyone snore asleep
as usual. Not wishing to be left
out of anything I sleep too, and
on Tuesday it is announced on
the bulletin board that I have
flunked the Psych test. Everyone
else makes E's.
I am catching the prof awake
again in his office and asking
him what is what and explaining
that being a serious student I am
worrying about the course since
grades mean all to me. He is
telling me that I can't expect to
pass if I don't pay attention in
class, and I begin to worry seri-
ously about my mental health.
Finally he is saying to me,
"Aren't you ever doing anything
but sleeping in class? Aren't you
ever listening to lectures? Aren't
you ever reading the text?" I am
mystified as a detective in the
first chapter. He is further say-
ing, "You are redeeming yourself
on the next test-maybe."
But when I am getting to class
everyone is asleep and I can find
out nothing, so I am sleeping at
home the next period. Sure thing
the dean is calling me again and
I am asking him what is what
about this course Practical Psy-
chological Interpretation o f
Dreams. He is saying coldly I
can't expect to do University
work without textbooks. I re-
move two handfuls of hair from
the top of my head as I go out of
his office.
Things are not for the better or
the worse. I am flunking the
next test and getting really wor-
ried as I am a serious student
and like to make good grades,
having made several S's and one
E. Grades mean all to me.
At last the day of the final ex-
amination is coming and I am
sleeping comfortably like the
other members of the class, when
I am dreaming that I am in a
class called Psych 182 which is
a class on Dream Interpretation,
and I am having a hell of a
time finding out what it is all
about.
And I am going to flunk? Fi-
nally in a cold sweat, because a
flunk is disgracing me for life,
I wake up. The professor is look-
ing at me sternly and saying, "I
should think you could at least
stay asleep on the day of the
final."
When the grades come out it
is as I fear. I have flunked. So
I go to a dance and have a fine
time, because I am a serious stu-
dent and grades mean every-
thing to me.
page fifteen
ARE YOU A MISANTHROPE?
Herein is presented the misanthrope's idea of the
world in general and the campus in particular.
By PAUL ULLMAN
We misanthropes lead an un-
happy life. Frowned and looked
down upon by the rest of the in-
tellectually hibernating populace,
we wander miserably through the
various stages of a rabid misan-
thropy.
But perhaps
you've never
met one of our
great clan, per-
h a p s you've
never been ini-
tiated into the
are and mys-
tery of finer
hating. At least you will recall,
somewhere in the deep past, the
face of some fellow animal who
looked at you with such a genu-
ine sympathy and understanding
that you were embarrassed. That
is one of the mighty organization
of man-hating misanthropes.
This fortunate fellow hated you
and your neighbors with such a
profound and unrelenting hate
that he was moved to sympathy
with you as the object of such a
terrible emotion. We are fierce
fellows, we man-haters.
We have at least one hope in
common among our select group,
the hope of running away and
burying ourselves upon some
coral atoll in the south seas,
where the waves and the women
dance, where we may spend our
days eating bananas and hating
people, I mean the civilized kind.
And most of us have more than
enough money to book passage-
for you see we are rich. We have
none of the scruples of other busi-
ness men, no golden rules to ob-
serve. Our motto: Defy, detest,
and de-monetize. We simply wal-
low in wealth. Misanthropy has
never been so popular.
page sixteen
Allow me now, as rush captain
for the international society of
human haters to make a formal
bid for your application of en-
trance. Mayhap you are already
one of the brotherhood without
realizing it. For you, then, I will
list some of the entrance require-
ments which are standard all over
the world.
Parties are usually dull. Per-
haps we are sitting happily alone
before a convenient radio listen-
ing to the lovely strains of a
waltz, Strauss or otherwise.
Comes then
Public Detest
number one,
with a depre-
ciative grin
on his face
and a pat on
the arm, the
latter to bet-
ter help you stand the stuffy
boredom of the waltz.
"Ah, ha," he'll observe intelli-
gently, while turning the radio
knob. "Ha," he'll continue in the
same deep manner while tuning
the pitch to a roar. Finally,
with a convincing and soul-
stirring "Ah, he'll find his favor-
ite program, and a thousand devils
of sound will come twisting from
the loud speaker.
And such sounds, such twisting,
such writhing, such horrible
groans the like of which Hades
never envisioned. Perhaps it was
an imitation of the Hell-fires, an
imitation of the third degree. The
words went like this:
"Hi de hi de hi, ho de ho de ho,
with a watta, a batta, a woodey-
do, woe o-o-o-o."
It is impossible to tell what it is
because a dance band keeps en-
croaching upon the other's terri-
tory, and between the two sta-
tions we can never catch the iden-
tity.
Are you a qualified member
yet? No? Then perhaps we've
shared the experience of the blow-
sy Bohemian, which is perhaps
on a par with the fat woman in
riding pants, whom the good Lord
made to inhabit a swimming pool
-one with muddy water. But
back to the Bohemian-perhaps
the name confuses you. Then a
brief word picture.
In any mass meeting, in public
halls, or even in the embryonic
state of a college classroom, we
find the long-haired, bespectacled
individual who looks as if he had
just emerged from the sunless in-
terior of a co-
C o o n, and
whose bony
joints could
scarcely be
other than the
foundation for
S a i r of
sprouting wings. The whole is
shrouded in garments of an un-
definable age, color, or degree
of fashion. From this, then,
comes the redoubtable arguments
which antagonize speakers, irk
lecture leaders, and confuse a pro-
fessor and his class.
His is the free type of intelli-
gence, defiant for Karl Marx, eco-
nomic liberation, and free love.
How his political and economic
theories do set him apart. He is
ready at any moment to talk of
the coming revolution or class
thesis; he is careful that his source
book on anthropology is always
under his arm, with the name
label out.
(Continued on Page 30)
Chesterfield Cigarettes
THEATRE TALK . By Porter Randall
DRAMA
THE
CINEMA
In every other city of the land
it's the newsboy crying his wares.
In topsy-turvy Hollywood it's the
lowly, inglorious, supernumerary
of the films; the inarticulate
anonymous player of the mob
scene-atmosphere on the hoof.
Glory
Like the once-lauded Valen-
tino, Bob Taylor is deluged by
the nation's admiring pulchri-
tude wherever he goes. They had
to call out the fire department to
rescue him from a swarming
throng at the recent California-
St. Mary's football game.
And at Ocean Park, a couple
of weeks ago, Taylor had to take
refuge on a roller-coaster to es-
cape a horde of his fans. He
stayed with it for nineteen
rounds until the crowd finally
dispersed.
Fugitive
Not so long ago when the
hounded Taylor returned to his
home town of Beatrice, Neb., for
a much-needed rest, he found
blare of mob attraction, he found
the city's 12,000 population at the
depot to greet him . . . . a city
and school holiday in his honor
.four brass bands . . . . a
parade two miles long, led by the
National Guard.
Research
Movie fans know no bounds.
Hollywood conducts the largest
romantic clinic in the world. The
"fan mail" heart of the nation
beats violently for its favorite
stars-a great sea of letters pour
in.
They're signed by everybody
from college professors to Chin-
ese junkers.
page eighteen
Myrna Loy tops the list for
matrimony propositions. Even
after her recent marriage she has
netted as high as 79 proposals a
week.
And on a recently compiled list
of Hollywood's femininity who
receive regular proposals were
included the names of Edna May.
Oliver, May Robson, and Alli-
son Skipworth.
Fo'give us.
Romance
Even youthful, wavy-haired
Freddie Bartholomew, English
importation to the M-G-M lot,
not so long ago received a pro-
posal by way of mail.
Quote from the epistle ran:
"I am eleven years old with nat-
ural curly brown hair and very
white teeth. And I love you dear-
ly. I have just seen you in The
Devil Was A Sissy and would
like to marry you some day. As
soon as I am old enough."
Thought
Out on the 20th Century-Fox
lot Warner Oland is making an-
other. This time, Charlie Chan
at the Opera. And when it's fin-
ished, he's calendared for Charlie
Chan on Broadway. Wonder if
they'll ever make one, Charlie
Chan at the University of Mis-
souri?
Spotlight
Once upon a time it was Garbo,
then followed Dietrich, then Sten.
Now it's slim, blonde Gladys
George, latest of screen proteges
to feel the heat of publicity lights.
She came to Hollywood as a com-
edienne. She's to emerge to star-
dom as a tragedienne. Her debut:
"Valiant Is The Word For Car-
rie," just released. She's bound,
we're told, for a new high in box
office records.
Chatter
On a Paramount set for Man
and a Woman, an oiler has been
employed to dog the footsteps
of Edward Arnold and George
Bancroft to touch up the squeaky
places in the floor . And on
an M-G-M set, Garbo was heard
singing Home, Home On The
Range . . . . the University of
San Francisco recently adopted
the title number from the pro-
duction San Francisco as their
college song . . . . Sonja Henie,
world champion ice star now
making One In A Million for 20th
Century-Fox, will skate on a rink
of skimmed milk because it
photographs better .
LOCAL
DRAMA
Premiere
With the racket and bombard-
ment of Bury the Dead now still-
ed after its production here sev-
eral weeks ago, the next presen-
tation of Missouri Workshop is
Wings of the Morning, slated for
world opening here Dec. 1. If it
succeeds here, we're told, it may
be taken to legitimate stage in
New York for marquee billings
under the bright lights of 42nd
Street and Broadway.
Hope
It's such breaks that sometimes
spotlights an embryo actor for
the national register. We're told
that the premiere will beckon to
syndicated critics and reviewers
from all over th ecountry. A
plug in their columns, and the
big-time producers focus their
scrutiny in this direction.
Tie-In
Negotiations went into order
last week with Andre Kostelantz,
dance-band director for CBS, in
an attempt to hand over six J-
Show tunes for musical rendi-
tion on the Kostelantz broadcast
Dec. 7.
Publicity staff of the show
fevered to get Ozzie Nelson to
play the numbers when he takes
the air-lanes at Chicago's Drake
Hotel that night.
MUSIC
THE
RADIO
When music speaks, the whole
world listens. A note of melody
speaks more than volumes of
words.
Rumor
'Tis whispered that "Sugar
Blues" Land of Reich-Jonhson
band at Harris' will switch orks
and employers. If he does
it will be the first such oc-
currence in local band history
here on the campus of this Fac-
tory of Learning.
We wonder if the change was
caused by popularity . . . its
lack in one place . . . . affecting
one's head in the other.
Trend
Notice some of the more pop-
ular bands now making use of
the small electric organs to aug-
ment their sax sections. Horace
Heidt, you'll hear, has scrapped
the perennial piano in favor of the
clavier.
Steal
Comes now the news that
the theme for Rhapsody in Blue
was pilfered from a waltz,
Blanche Alpen, published in
Pennsylvania back in 1855. We're
told that Ferde Grofe worked it
into the arrangement which he
made for George Gershwin.
We're not told what Gershwin,
the composer, has to say about it.
Collich
Dick Mansfield, guitarist-
director of the "Four Aristocrats
of Rhythm" is a licensed aviator
and once studied medicine at the
University here. And in Bob
Crosby's band, Yank Lawson,
whose swing trumpet is known
wherever swing music holds
sway, is a former Mizzou man.
What ? ?
Swing and jazz are inherently
American musical products. But
the only comprehensive literary
works on the subject are those
of Mary Lytton, an English wo-
man, and a book, Hot Jazz, by
Hueges Panassic, a Frenchman.
Incidentally, we hear that Panas-
sic has never visited America.
Orchids
We throw our bouquets to pe-
tite, songstress Dolly Dawn, who
warbles the lyrics of George
Hall's band. She sings a unique.
distinctive style . . . her voice
breaks into a yodel that fasci-
nates . . . . a swingy, southern
rhythm that gurgles.
Style
The band, left leaderless by
the death of Orville Knapp, is
now under the baton of George
Olsen. But the outfit's arranger
evidently did not change. It's the
same velvet rhythm, the same
sweet and smooth syncopation.
Always acceptable by the best
of dancers, the modern lovers of
sweet swing.
Metamorphosis
Kay Kyser began back in 1926
at the University of North Caro-
lina when a local campus band
there clamored for a front man.
. . . Kyser accepted the bid . . .
Then came . . . small jobs . .
college affairs . . ballrooms . . .
at last . radio . . . and national
spotlight.
Kyser believes that personality
is registered over the radio and
insists that his vocalists register
facial emotions while they sing
. .known as stylist in that warm
friendly type of music . won't
allow mustaches in his organiza-
tion . . . likes everything to eat
except liver . . . very conscien-
tious about his work . . . con-
siders Merle Oberon as outstand-
ing screen personality . . deems
Hal Kemp as his favorite dance
band leader.
THE
RECORD
Tops
It's old, we know, but listen
anyway to Benny Goodman's
disc of China Boy and Exactly
Like You. Goodman's Swing
Trio, who take vocal honors for
the numbers, are beginning to
rival his band in popularity.
Teddy Wilson's eccentric right
hand tickles the piano in glorious
style.
Return
LaRocca - Original Dixieland
band, who are now scoring a
tremendous hit in New York,
recently waxed Did You Mean It
and Who Loves You, featuring
their style of thirty years back.
Academicians
Much praise for the recording,
Bughouse and Blues in E Flat,
transcribed by Red Norvo and
his Swing Octet. You'll recog-
nize Teddy Wilson on the piano,
Gene Krupa of B. Goodman's
band on the drums, Van Epps of
R. Noble's band on the guitar.
Choo Berry of F. Henderson's
band on the sax-tenor, and the
expert Bunny Berrigan on the
trumpet. It's a disc of undiluted
swing. It's played by an honest
to goodness "all in" outfit.
Others
A new Jimmie Lunceford re-
cording of On the Beach At Bali-
Bali is better, we believe, than
Jimmie Dorsey's gallant arrange-
ment of that number . . Russ
Morgan recently put Midnight
Blue on the Brunswick platter
. Duke Ellington's newly re-
corded stomp tunes are In a Jam
and Uptown Downbeat . . . .
Benny Goodman has finally re-
corded Fletcher Henderson's ar-
rangement of St. Louis Blues for
Victor . . Hal Kemp's latest
are I've Got You Under My Skin
and Easy to Love for Brunswick.
page nineteen
The Showme Show
Beta Be Good
This one happened at Harris'
and for very obvious reasons
names must be omitted-but it
makes a good story anyway. One
of the more popular campus gals
was trying to make the usual big
impression on an unsuspecting
sophomore. "Oh yes," said she,
"I had a date to the Beta party-
a Beta took me to dinner last
Sunday, and they tell me that five
fellows in the Beta house are
fighting about who is going to
date me next."-At this point, the
waiter who had overheard this ut-
tered a muffled, "Oh Yeah?"
The girl heard him, but went
on with her Beta talk. Finally,
as she was about to leave she said,
"Waiter, why did you say 'oh
yeah' a minute ago?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean
for you to hear it-but you see,-
I'm a Beta"! ! ! !
Jay Show Jottings
Nadine Guernsey's dark beau-
ty glamouring the Greeks. Mary
LeVec swinging it with Vernon
Nolte's irresistable tune, "You've
Got Something." Riotous Zuzulo,
last year's stealer, keeping the
cast in an uproar. Phi Gam Len-
nard Howe's voice will have you
feeling that way for days. The
adorable Riepma enlivening an-
other show while the insane an-
tics of Max Cole and Sig Alph
Louie Gilpin promise to riot the
Hall Theatre.
page twenty
Just a hint
When Dick Timmis, Sigma Nu
biggie, asked Betsy Sherman,
Kappa coy-ed to wear his pin,
our heroine with fluttering eye
covers and rapturous look whis-
pered, "Not unless it's a real love
affair, ducky dear."
0
Betty Meier, Kappa prexy,
soothes George West with the
affectionate tag, "Big Sug" and
he retaliate with "Little Sug."
Yes, we too knew him when he
was as hard boiled as that picnic
egg.
Did you get in on the most
indiscreet love scene in Gaebler's
the other eve? Yes, you know
them and last year it was Campus
Drug's back booths that rated
first choice.
About town-
D. U. prexy, B. K. Flanery and
Jim Mickey of "Knock-knock"
fame, amongst afternoon beer,
pretzels and checkers in the
Shack.
Florentine Wilson, Alpha Chi
continues to charm Sid Wipke's
heart and station wagon away
from him.
K. A. Longgood scratches off
hill billy poems of perfection to
Jean Camp, Tri Delt lassie.
We find "Robbo" Black, S.A.E.,
the best known and the best liked
orchiding cute little Pi Phi McIn-
inch.
St. Louis-M. U. Game-
Web Bracy, the Sig Alpher
who is remembered for the years
he had his campus in an uproar-
At the Chase after refreshments
around had been ordered, "And,
my good man, a plain hershey
for me."
To the lovelorn
Theta Carolyn Jenkins is
alarm-clocking it at 6:45 these
dawnings to make a breakfast
date at Gaeb's. Who's rating it?
The year's record
Dean McKenna and Johnny
Roberts, Kappa Sigs, warmed the
Dixie benches from 10:00 A. M.
to 10:00 P. M. last Saturday.
Peterson of the Alpha Chi
House lost her Kappa Sig pin in
St. Louis that week-end. So still
Familiar sight
"Stan" D. U. Boughton's ten
o'clock trudge to the Theta hut
for those thirty front-step min-
utes with his pinned love, Jane
Hopkins. Is it just a rumor that
she underwore his pin after one
date?
The off-the-face sport bonnets
of the charmers are proving an
okayed fashion note by M. U.
men-topped by Ruth DeVault
in a red one.
John Ammerman says that
some sprinters practice on the
track by the field house at the
unholy hour of midnight. Just
can't understand it!
(Continued on Page 26)
YOU KNOW HER AL
(Continued from Page 8)
Now Sally and the art of con-
versation appear, giving you the
lowdown on movie stars, croon-
ers, herself, and other staunch
supporters of the commonwealth.
" . . . Robert Taylor has the
sweetest mouth . . . I simply
adored Bing in "Rhythm on the
Range" . . . Cab Calloway is off
the air for jazzing the "Star
Spangled Banner" . . . I'm differ-
ent . . . people, ordinary people,
don't understand me . Mabel is
too shallow and childish . . . she
hasn't been around, as I have . . .
that new pledge actually called
dinnah, 'suppah' . . . can you
imagine . . . I've seen so much of
life . ."
Sally wants to dance, so you
squirm around on a checker-board
square to the wheeze of a tinpan
band. You'd like to say to Sally,
"Let me hop up and ride on your
feet a while," or, "You dance;
I'll just walk around you." But
you don't.
Seated again, you mention a
few trivial things, such as the
presidential election, and she says
she doesn't exactly know who is
against whom but she's for F. D.
R. because he has cute ears.
And at the mention of the trou-
ble in Spain, she doesn't know
anything about it except that
there's a brand of stuffed olives,
which she adores, imported from
Spain.
SOPHISTICATED Sally at a
night club is quite a sight. She
swoops in with a swirl, acts as
though she were an habitue of
the joint, regards the waiter
haughtily, and orders a drink that
has a cosmopolitan name, some-
thing strange and foreign-in-
stead of a good old plebian whis-
key-neat.
Sally's drink, when it arrives,
looks like a drink made of liquid
rainbow. It's really a poor grade
of gin mixed with red ink, orange
jello, creme de menthe, an assort-
ment of ground-up crayolas and
any other odds-and-ends that are
lying around.
As the evening drags on, Sally
continues to display the fact that
she knows her liquor. She orders
in an eenie-meenie-minie-mo man-
ner, choosing the ones with the
gaudiest names, which is a good
way to quaff; anyone knows that.
Finally, she, for some unknown
reason, loses a bit of her bored
SOPHISTICATION, and while
you're dancing she wants to try
the latest step from Paris-which
is a cross between a flea hopping,
a lobster crawling, and a canned
sardine suddenly come to life and
trying to flick the mustard off its
tail.
About one more drink-she
hasn't imbibed enough to titillate
a W. C. T. U. babbler-and Sally
wants to go home. Her SOPHIS-
TICATION has whisked away
like breath on a mirror, for in the
cab she murmurs: "Y'know,
you're uh wunnerful fella; a wun-
nerful fella." In attempting to
kiss you, she gets out of focus
and leaves a large gob of very wet
and very red lipstick on your best
suit.
After you get her home, she
usually has to pitch her cookies.
When this matter is attended to
and her mouth is wiped, you leave
with the murmur of "wunnerful
fella" buzzing in your ears.
The next day she is her usual
poised and bored self, which gives
her a pleasing and interesting per-
sonality-much like the loony in
an institution for mentally defi-
cients who though he was a sack
of cement. He would sit in a
corner, rigid. Once in a while he
would mumble, "Since the age of
two I've been a sack of cement.
I'm solid concrete from my toe-
nails to my dandruff."
It's too bad we can't all be
SOPHISTICATED like Sally!
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED
The following note, apparently
left by a budding young report-
er, was found on the city edi-
tor's desk at the Journalism
School.
Mr. S---:
I am going out to dig up a
story.
Love and kisses,
Jim
page twenty
ANOTHER
SUNFLOWER
WILTS
page twenty-three
BIG SIX
(Continued from Page 11)
Three guards stood out in con-
ference play this season; but only
a pair of potential All-Americans,
Holland of Kansas State and Ken
McGinnis of Nebraska, were good
enough to nose out Maurie Kirk,
Missouri's ace guardsman. Both
200-pounders, McGinnis and Hol-
land, were the power in their re-
spective lines, both on defense
and offense.
The pivot post is undoubtedly
the hottest contested position of
the lot, with Betty Conkright,
Brock and Hanna making potent
bids for Missouri, Oklahoma, Ne-
braska, and Iowa State respec-
tively. Named as second-all con-
ference center a year ago, Hus-
ton Betty, the Tigers' "nuptial
neophyte" is our choice for first
place honors. A demon on de-
fense and a flawless passer on
offense, Betty packs all the char-
acteristics of a champion.
In the backfield we have taken
the liberty to make but a single
act which might not be to
our good friend Mr. Hoyle's
liking. But in order to present
a quartet of backs which we defy
any single conference in the na-
tion to excell, it was necessary
to shift the Wildcats' chief
growler, Maurice "Red" Elder
into the role of a halfback.
Teaming with Elder at the oth-
er halfback is "Wild Hoss" Card-
well, the Huskers' eccentric pig-
skin pusher. At fullback we are
proud to present Mr. Sam Fran-
cis, who is Nebraska's bid for All-
American honors. Sam is the
controller that makes the wheels
go 'round in the Huskers' power-
ful machine as well as port-siding
the Nebraska passes and punting
on a game average in the neigh-
borhood of 45 yards.
Now a perfect team must first
have a perfect quarterback, and
whether or not this team is per-
fect is a factor that can never be
proven, but, at least it will be
page twenty-four
hard to find a football fan in Ti-
gerland that does not think Jack
Frye the logical man for the
quarterbacking duties. A mar-
velous passer and an excellent
kicker, Jack is one of the most
consistent ground gainers in the
Big Six. His judgment of plays
is unquestionable and his reeling,
twisting returns of punts have
earned the Black and Gold much
yardage this season.
A slant at the second team will
find the Oklahoma Sooner dom-
inating. Placing the aforemen-
tioned Brown and Conkright at
tackle and guard respectively,
"Big Bill" Breeden may also be
found in the fullbacking seat.
The flankers are paced by Clar-
ence Gustin, Iowa State's flashy
end, who has Dave Shirk, the
Jayhawker's remodeled back-
field man, for a partner. Gustine
is completing his third year in
conference competition and ranks
close on the heels of Nelson and
McDonald.
Maurie Kirk has Ed Bock, an-
other revamped backfield man,
as a running-mate to help with
the guard chores. Bock, who was
a regular blocking back for the
Cyclones a year ago, was shifted
into a guard hole where his block-
ing talents could be capitolized
on in the majority of the plays.
Although he does not possess
the all-around ability of Kirk,
his fine blocking stamps him for
the position.
"Red" Conkright is given the
second place center title with
Brock receiving honorable men-
tion. Playing his first year of
varsity football, Brock looks like
one of the most capable centers
in the country, but lacks the nec-
essary experience that rates
Conkright the edge.
The only hefty performer in
an otherwise light backfield,
Breeden is surrounded by Londe
and Mahley of Missouri at half-
back, and the agile Cleveland of
Kansas State at quarterback.
Breeden is a cracking good line
backer, or bucker, have it as you
may, while the remaining trio are
three of the neatest open field
runners in the Midlands. Cleve-
land is also on the tossing end of
the Wildcats passing attack as
is Heinie Mahley, first lieutenant
to Jack Frye in the Tiger kick-
ing corps.
The group selected for honor-
able mention is also one that any
coach would welcome to his team.
Johnny Howell, Nebraska's in-
vincible quarter, "Bo" Hewes,
"Biff" Jones' hard running half,
DESIRE - SATISFACTION
and Harry Mason, Missouri's
"mighty atom" fullback cannot
be counted out of any offering
where all-conference honors are
being handed out.
The linemen scheduled for hon-
orable mention are every bit on
par with their backfield friends.
This group is composed of Elmer
Dohrman, Nebraska's great end,
"Tiny" Rau, the Bengals' sopho-
more bid at tackle, Winslow, the
veteran Kansas guard, Brock, and
Fanning, the Wildcats' mighty
tackle.
The honor of coaching a team
of this ranking could go to no
more fitting a mentor than Mis-
souri's own Don Faurot. Bring-
ing the previously "cellar-struck"
Bengals from sixth place in the
conference to second in two years
is a feat that cannot be overlook-
ed. Missouri congratulates you,
Don Faurot.
Dean (to unruly freshman):
Do you know who I am?
Frosh: No, but if you'll give
me the address I'll take you
home.
Frosh: "I'm working my Dad
through college."
Victim: "Yeah? What's he
taking?"
Frosh: "Headachepills."
What's the difference between
a "jelly bean" and a "jellyfish?"
Crack: A "jelly bean" drinks
"cokes" but a "jelly fish" pays
for them.
*
Kappa: It's midnight. Do you
think you can stay here all night?
Beta: I don't know. I'll have
to ask mother first.
They had a baby Austin parked
by the side of the road.
They had a baby Austin parked.
They had a baby Austin.
Oh, Well.
-Red Cat
WOMAN WANTED
I'm looking for a PRACTICAI
GIRL, one who STAYS HOME
on WEEK-ENDS, and STU-
DIES HARD, not one of your
SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES who
SMOKES CIGARETTES,
GOES TO DANCES, and
SLEEPS UNTIL 11:30 on SUN-
DAY MORNING. The girl I
choose must have HIGH
IDEALS like a HOME ECO-
NOMICS MAJOR, or a SOCIAL
WORKER. I want the kind of
a girl her sorority sisters call A
KEEN KID, INTELLIGENT,
PEPPY, and a GOOD STU-
DENT. She doesn't have to be
a CAMPUS QUEEN or a GOD-
DESS OF AGRICULTURE.
After all, many a HEART OF
GOLD beats beneath a leaden
exterior.
"A HOME GIRL TO TAKE
TO MOTHER-. HELL NO.
! ! ! ! I'M LOOKING FOR A
CAMPANION FOR MY MAID-
EN AUNT ! !! !
On the Stalk
Do you know Joe Banana?
Who?
Joe Banana.
What's his name?
Joe Banana.
What about him?
Do you know him?
Who?
Joe Banana?
No, I don't know Joe Banana.
You ought to, he's one of the
bunch.
I don't know all the bunch.
*
My lover him have gone away
My lover him have went to stay
Him won't come to I
Me won't went to he
Don't it awful.
A certain Gamma Phi when
asked how foreign dishes com-
pared with American dishes said,
"oh they break just as easily."
We presume she went to China.
Kaywoodie
Company
SHOWME SHOW
(Continued from Page 19)
As intimate as soap-
John Bailey, Phi Gam and Vir-
ginia Vineyard, Theta.
Ob Sherman, Delt and Annette
Tucker, Theta.
John Reading and Kite Atkins.
Snake Brownlee and Pi Phi
Frances Fouke.
Jay Buckingham and Mary
Jane Yates, Pi Phi.
D. U. Jim Mickey and "Corky"
McCorkle, Tri Delt.
Foiled
The fencing crowd at Gail Pot-
ter's Academy is raving about the
best fun they've ever had.
For many nites a private band
has almost constantly serenaded
Ohnemus of the Tri Delt lodge.
Sleepily late boom forth cheers
and yells--Ohnie's appearance at
the window and they depart satis-
fied.
Al "Robert Taylor" Waters
confiding to his date at the S.A.E.
dance, "Honey, you may not be
in love with me now, but you're
gonna be and you'll never get
over it I"
Society
Theta Ruth Sowers of last year
indiscrimately welcomed guests
to a mob scene Delt party week-
end that made the "Derby" blush
for its inadequacy-and the wet
kiss on blonde DeVault's cheek
for picking the sweetest boy alive,
Don Dittemore, her last year pin-
nee.
Kay Kavanaugh, Alpha Chi,
and Ted Schweitzer, Delt, are
back throwing bricks at each oth-
er and apparently loving it as
much as ever.
We didn't
That Kay Fahey, last year's
vest pocket Tri Delt, and lawyer
Bill Barnes have been rolling-
pinning it since last May the
ninth.
page twenty-six
Dirt
A muddy day-a rural day by
the polo field-a roadster buried
in the mud fender deep-Stars
shone on them ploughing com-
ically homeward barefooted after
giving up digging for their shoes
buried two feet below.
Arlene Leslie sat down the
other day and seriously took a
mental look at her social calendar
before replying,
"This week-end? No, I'm sor-
ry, but I'm busy all week-end."
"Next week, busy then, too, but
I might make it two weeks from
next Saturday."
"Jelly date? I think Thursday
is free, I'll try."
Prof's son (pulling out flask):
Would you like a drink?
Before Chi O Neal could re-
ply-
Prof's son (sadly): No, you're
not the type.
*
Study Hall
Harris' is again finding favor
with the journalists. The quiet
atmosphere and good coffee seem
conducive to study. At any hour
of the morning the people of the
fourth estate may be found there
mulling over their Ad Principles
and H & P.
0
Having received many inquiries
as to why certain girls are deck-
ed with a beribboned corkscrew
gadget, we pause now to offer
explanation.
The corkscrew is the pledge
pin to the honorable order of the
T G's (Tau Gamma Sigma) a na-
tional secret inner-sorority organ-
ization. Since only five girls on
one campus can belong and the
five don't seem to know much
about it themselves, we can't be
definite now, but promise more
complete information next month.
We know there's a chapter at
Virginia, one at Drake, and one
at Nebraska, and have our own
ideas as to what the corkscrew
signifies.
GOSSIP
We hear from very reliable
sources that Gaebler's, which has
always been the favorite fun-place
of the campus smoothies, is bet-
ter than ever this year. From ten
in the morning 'til eleven at night
you'll see everyone who is any-
one coking and smoking. By the
way, Eldon Jones and his band
have the yummiest arrangements
of all the season's hits, plus novel
swing-technique to the old-favor-
ites. Be seeing you there tomor-
row.
0
Will Wad McCarty, Beta, phil-
anderer, stop chumping it at the
Pi Phi house now that Martha
Woodfill is head-whirling Gene
Fellows, smoothiest looking Phi
Delt.
Betty Brooks, red-headed Kite,
lovely threatens to snatch a Phi
Gam badge if Earl Sleuter can
make some passes at the books.
Virginia Voigt, Alpha Chi,
rated the Sig Alph twirler with
Dick Largent in preference to a
certain infuriated Kappa.
0
Love Story
Characters: "Sweet Lips"-Beta
Brookfield; "Blondie"-Kappa
Meier
Setting: Campus Cabbing it
to Econ. class-8:00 a. m. MT
WTH
Plot: An intriguing romance
about a boy who stumbles to
his seat vigorously handker-
chieving gardenia lip rouge
from his mouth.
Ginnie Myers, titian Tri Delt,
is removing gloves for both a Sig
Alph and an engineer.
Four men sat in a restaurant.
First: "I'll have a steak din-
ner."
Waiter (to the kitcher):
"Steak me!"
Second: "Roast beef."
Waiter: "Beef me!"
Third: "Ham and eggs."
Waiter: "Ham and egg me!"
Fourth (rising): "D--- if I'll
eat here! I wanted milk!"
HARRIS' CAFE
1891-1936
(Continued from Page 5)
There are other Jayhawk-Tiger
battles that will live so long as
the school exist. Bill Roper's sea-
son in 1909 is rehashed every time
Missouri fans speak of gridiron
glories.
There have been upsets, bitter
disappointments and just as bit-
ter disputes, but all these go to
make up the finest traditional
football rivalry in the nation.
Long may it prosper.
0
ALARM CLOCK
(Continued from Page 7)
stagger another step toward the
plus sign.
Question: What is the present
day alarm clock, anyway, but a
noisy interruption between Stu-
dent's nap in bed and his nap in
general econ?
Answer: You've got me there,
professor! What?
Class dismissed.
-John McNutt.
*
IN MEMORIAM
Breathes there a roommate with
soul so dead
Who never to himself has said
,This is my own, my own darned
tie?
Disastrous Squeeze
"When I squeeze you in my
arms like this honey, something
seems to snap."
"Yes, pardon me a moment till
I fasten it."
-Malteaser
You Win
"Let's go sit on the porch."
"No, I'm afraid if we do
you'll .
"No, honestly I won't"
"Well, what's the use then?"
-Banter
*
Once there was a man who
went to the mountains to escape
the heat. But Little Audrey
laughed and laughed because she
knew he had taken two red-heads
along.
-Growler
"You're an apt boy. Is your
sister apt too?"
"If she gets a chance, she's apt
to."
M. U. Students Notre Dame
Missed
Efthem Demosth Chiamarlias
George Joseph Czarcinski
John Bernard Modzelewski
Julius Savanovsky
John T. Zakrzewski
Helen-I don't see why he
dates her-she's a terrible dancer.
Mary-No; she can't dance, but
she sure can intermission.
-Puppet
*
He: Have you ever been in
love before?
She: No, have you ever felt
like this before?
He: No, . . . if I had, I would
have gotten my face slapped.
The little lawyer man
Meekly smiled as he began
Her poor dead father's will to
scan.
He smiled while
Thinking of his fee
And said to her
Most tenderly .
Next day while lying
On his bed,
With bandages round
His aching head,
He wondered what on earth
He'd said.
Sign in a Cuban dance hall:
NO DANCING WITHOUT
MOVING THE FEET.
-Chaparral
Two little boys stood on the
corner. A little girl passed by.
Said one: "Her neck's dirty."
Said the other: "Her does?"
Zenith
BENEDICT'S GARAGE
Football Glossary
Referee-beginning words to well-known songs,
"Referee's a jolly good fellow."
Umpire-synonym for thief, robber, etc.
Huddle-crap-shooting formation.
Single-wing back-one arm thrust out behind.
Double-wing back-both arms thrust out behind.
"T" formation-grouping of players at halves for
refreshments.
Fumble-a style of play developed and copy-
righted by the Missouri varsity.
Quarterback-two bits in the pocket.
Halfback-four bits refund.
Fullback-goes with a weak mind.
End-finis, but different from kickoff.
Tackle-fishing gear.
Guard-hired thug.
Center-one who cents the ball into play.
Punt-lowest form of humor.
Pass-form of action having to do with movements
of spectators in the college section.
Kickoff-to die
Lateral pass-one made maid on the side.
Line buck-Indian playing in the line.
Off-tackle-tackle who isn't quite right.
Goal-a grave robber.
First and ten-popular song, "Take a number . "
End zone-reserved seat section.
Safety-kind of pin.
Touchback-returned loan.
Bailey's Comet
Try to remember Professor Joe Bailey
Who taught his Zoology at ten o'clock daily
His love life was nil, he was week in the knees
He garnered his sex from the birds and the bees.
Eventually he tired of his passion for botany
He hated it's boredom, drudge, and monotony
He decided to study the stars in the sky
He watched while the wonders of heaven rolled by.
One day in a brainstorm he decided to build
A rocket that with all of his instruments filled
Would whizz through the air with a terrible speed
With "Old Baily" himself at the helm of the steed.
The Rocket was built, and one day at high noon
Old Bailey prepared for his trip to the moon
The crowds were gigantic, the day was just right
As Bailey made ready for his marvelous flight.
His collegues were smiling, but changed to a frown
When Old Bailey went up, but the rocket stayed
down
The crowds were amazed at his breathtaking pace
And he soon disappeared in the outskirts of space.
For about fifty miles, he continued his trip
'Til the earths gravitation exerted its grip
It was then that he started encircling the earth
He was holding his breath for all he was worth.
He's just like a comet that comes out at night
The light from the friction's a beautiful sight
The students he flunked in his manner so trite
Now neck in the spell of his glorious light
"There Comes A Pause-"
Between your French and Zool class,
When your pep begins to lower,
Comes the pause in your day's education,
That's Mizzou's famous "jelly" hour.
You meander yourself into Jesse,
To wait around for your date,
Till you realize that you've been "stood up,"
As you came on the scene quite late.
But soon the crowd gets thinner,
In the hall are much fewer "babes,"
So you grab a date with a girl you don't hate,
And take you both over to "Gaebe's."
You chat as you smoke and you "coke,"
While she ogles with all of her power,
Although you will "crack" that you have no "jack"
You'll ne'er "cut" your one "jelly" hour.
-Thelma L. Smith
. Who is the girl in the picture?
. O, just Peggy. Too bad the picture is retouched
to a dough face. But here, lookit this one of Betty .
what a girl. Class. Personality. Taste of a Duchess.
. She had this picture made at the Studio of Paul
Parsons.-Adv.
LUCAS BROS.
GO IN THERE, COHEN, AND BRING HOME THE BACON.
MISANTHROPE
(Continued from Page 16)
He is good material for the mis-
anthropic clan, but unfortunately
he does not hate, he loves. He
loves the hordes of people, you
and I, who call him strange and
who offer him an opportunity to
climb to publicity's flagpole when
he really belongs among medio-
cracy's dusty boulders.
Then there are the college pro-
fessors, well meaning but inex-
perienced in life. They catch the
flitting spirits of their students
and mold them into a cement-
like wall upon which the millions
of words and facts are engraved,
beautifully but with no apparent
use.
Well up in the misanthropic
ranks are those members who
took the advice to heart and read
newspapers while at work, philo-
sophized in undertaking establish-
ments, quoted the happiness of
true and righteous principle in
certain newspaper chains, and
quoted law before a political boss.
All are potential banana pickers.
page thirty
There are professors who once
believed in the right of free
speech and uncriticized opinion.
The right to misanthropy is not
excluded from college professors.
A general category of social ills
will suffice to make you one of our
number. Among these are: the
before breakfast smoker, who
comes shuffling in with baggy pa-
jamas, peers about the room from
behind a tangled underbrush of
hair, and avidly tongues a cigar-
ette. From him exude the thin
tendrils of smoke which to his
hungry companions cause the
acute symptoms of acrobatic
stomach.
The foregoing animal is prob-
ably one of the same breed of
species which asks questions
when you are reading and upon
receiving no answer will not hesi-
tate to toss pillows or marble sta-
tues in your general direction.
There is nothing which causes
indigestion and resulting misan-
thropy so easily as the dinner
table extremists. One extreme,
usually the feminine gender of
the male or female, extends her
little finger in such a way that
you are reminded of the steering
rudder of a boat and which un-
doubtedly serves as an emotional
equilibrium for a cup of coffee.
This type continually pouts in-
to her napkin and gazes with
such distaste upon a heaped-up
plate that one suspects the era of
concentrated food capsules to be
nigh.
Then, the other extreme, the
glowing gobbler. He, it is, who
beams happily to himself as he
tucks layer after layer of chicken
under his belt, marveling at each
bite, grunting with pleasure at
each mouthful. It is also he who
sweeps a host of dainty hors
d'oeuvres and palatable knick-
knacks into a heap, remarking the
while that combined they make
but one man-sized mouthful.
Many more examples could be
cited which would qualify you for
membership in our group, for in-
stance, the movie-house extem-
poraneous narrator who can tell
everyone around him who the
murderer is, and why.
Then there is the male study
hall companion who sighs into
his pipe with accompanying
grunts and exhalations. In fact,
the world is full of living ex-
amples.
So stop tearing your hair, give
that illegitimate impulse a name
and join the grand society of mis-
anthropes. Then we're off to the
south seas, and the waves, and
the bananas, to coral atolls with
languid islanders and reformed
college professors. Away to our
paradise of hate.
SETUP
There was a little pup
That met a little tree;
The little tree said,
"Come, pup, have one on me."
The little pup replied,
As gentle as a mouse,
"No, thanks, little tree,
I just had one on the house."
FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT
A Personal Service for College Fraternities and Sororities
Voice on Police Station Telephone-Officer, a
burglar broke into the Old Maids' Home and they
caught him. Could you send some one down to
take him into custody?
Cop-Sure. Who's this calling, please?
Voice, (now with a Helen Morgan tear)-The
burglar.
-Michigan Aggievator
FOR BETTER OR FOR NORSE
Ban Bjordson Bjordson, the traveling sales-
man, drove his Fiord up to the palace gates. "Why,
King, you're a new one on me. My last trip it was
King Haakon. Who are you?"
"I," said the king, "am King Hoke."
"Well," replied the salesman, "great Hokes
from little Haakons grow, don't they? I've left my
best Stockholm, but Woden you like to see my new
men's apparel line?"
"No," said Hoke, slamming the door in his
face.
"Don't get Thor about it," returned the dough-
ty Ban, as he spied a Swede little girl on the palace
steps.
"Oh, my Great Dane!" said the Swede little
girl, or the little Swede girl, "are you an admiral in
the Scandinavy?"
"No, but I'm on the last Lapps," said our war-
rior.
And that was the Druid, the whole Druid, and
nothing but the Druid.
-Juggler
"HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF A
HELIOTROPE AARD-VAARK?"
Harzfeld's
BROWN DERBY
Melbourne Hotel
Hotel President
"TIME'S A'WASTIN'."
The Jacqueline
Shop
Camel Cigarettes