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Did you ever hear
me crack my fin-
"Don't do it. It
gives me the creeps."
"You mean this
gives you the
"Ugh! Yes. Quit
"You mean just a
little noise like this ?"
"Cut it out, will
"Even the little
wasn't so bad. Do
"I can't. I can do
only three fingers. It
makes them sore if I
do it more than
"I said, do it
again. All of them.
I'm getting to like
"But I can't .
All right, all right!
Put that poker
d own." Crack!
"But they're be-
ginning to swell.
"O.K. I'll do it."
Crack! " Ouch!"
Crack! " Ouch!"
* "O.K., smart guys, now what?"
"IT'S JUST AS GOOD"
IF the present tendency towards
commercialization of our colleges is
to continue, we suggest that the regis-
trar's office hire a new set of experts,
well-schooled in the technique of
chain-store and drug clerks. Result-
Registrar: What can I do for you
today, young man .?
Student: I need a new schedule.
Registrar: Ah! a new schedule!
May I suggest some very fine history
courses - Modern European, Medie-
val, Civil War American--.
Student: Y'get any Renaissance?
Registrar: But certainly. We have a
'special on Renaissance history this
semester. Very fine course. Very snap
Student: Okay, gimme that. An' I
want some English, too-something
Registrar: Now take my advice,
and take this survey course. It has
Browning, Tennyson, Arnold, and
many others all in one. Much more
economical in the long run.
Student: Okay. Got any geography ?
Registrar: Of course. All the na-
tionally advertised courses. But I
suggest that you take our own special
anthropology course, instead. It's
every bit as good, and offered at half
the price, because you don't have to
pay for advertising and fancy labels.
Student: All right. Let's see what
else I need . . .
Registrar: Or maybe you'd like to
look at our specials on complete
schedules. Here's one that's selling
very well - accounting principles,
Shakespeare, marriage 224, the sex-
life of the tubercle bacillus and Es-
peranto. Twenty-five percent off if
you take the special combination
schedule. The best professors, and
file questions for all exams provided.
Student: Never mind. Wrap up two
of 'em. My roommate needs a sched-
Prince Albert Tobacco
The Showme Show
Off to a new year with colors
flying, beer bottles empty, and
cigarette butts no end-and did
we say just cigarette butts?--
Ask any Greek's opinion of not
just one, but of any other "dirty
"THE" two hundred and thir-
teen "queens" that expressed
their check marks for dear old
Chi Chi Chi and Pi Pi Pi turned
out to be just that-darn near
two hundred and thirteen queens.
We couldn't spot them all but
what we did see was plenty. Old
Mizzou has just fallen heir to a
delectable bunch of babes and
we're repeating "babes."
A couple of orchids to MAR-
JORIE CHERRY that oh so
smooth KITETTE. On second
thought two orchids are not really
enough.-Will someone kindly
The ANCHORGIRLS stole a
fine, fine Texan named NAN-
ETTE ROUNDTREE . . . She's
a fine fixture for the new manse
that was played so heavily in
LIFE not so many moons ago.
BETTY BROWNLEE is go-
ing places with her unsophistica-
tion for the KAPPA lodge . . .
It's so refreshing to meet a really
down to earth gal that's so heav-
enly and who'll never trip over
slight objects in her path.
Two cameras could not stand
the shock of having the image of
JANE FORCE, newest of the
new ARROWITES pass through
their lenses. Results are indica-
tive of this fatal beauty . . . A
sister pledge that is going to run
JEAN LINDSEY'S fine race
with the boys who like them
tall, blonde, and so PETTYISH-
LY moulded is MARY ELLEN
The ALPHA CHIS are very
certain that BILLY ROSE let
some fine feminity leave Texas
when JEANNE CHAPPEL left
Houston for old Mizzou . . A
good old Rebel invasion of the
White and Red Campii is pre-
dicted when that soft speaking
miss from South Carolina is
loosed by the CHIOS . The
name mind you, and you can't
help being interested, is MAR-
GARET BAILEY . . . DORO-
THY THIEMAN is another of
similar name and pulchritude
that the GAMMAPHIS rate-
and how we rate her.
SOME, WELL FAIRLY OLD
STEWART ROADER CLIFF
JONES gave us a fine laugh of
the week-he was struggling to
take an old sofa to his room in
the FIDDLEEFEE house-
sems his room needed a work-
bench. R H OB O Y JOSE
BROWN is still nutz over the
KU-MU KAPPA-seems he for-
got the CHRISTIAN gal he was
pinned to last spring over the
summer months . . . BILLY
GIBSON and HONEY OHNE-
MUS, DU and DDD, still have
their beer drinking acquaintance
of last spring. . .perhaps by now
it's even further advanced.
That boy CECIL BARGER,
AGR, is muchly the man about
town in his HOMBURG HAT-
reminds us very much of old XI
XI ROBBO CASE-Which of
course reminds us of ROBBO,
THE SPORTSMAN, FIELD
AND STREAM, ROD AND
REEL, POLO JOE,-BLACK
-ROBBO is one BOY OF
THE ABBREVIATED PANTS
who never changes and remains
the same good egg from year to
year.-BETA BOY BROOK-
FIELD and MARY MEIER,
KEYLASSIE are still as thick as
FIRST ONE OF THE YEAR
What the KAPPASIGS are
looking forward to are some
"good five cent cigars"-OLD
JOE VINCENT hung his badge
on a very lovely STEPHENS
GAL by name of JANE PENCE
-Seems they wer both summer-
ing in Bozeville, Wyoming this
past summer and love conquered
all-even JOE'S longing for his
old gal from home.
JUST WHAT DOES PARA-
'MILLIE ICE, the THETA,
said the KITE girls are seriously
thinking of either renting the
third floor of the KAPPA
HOUSE or else pitch tents on
the GOLF COURSE . . . Yes
girls, thirty one is sure plenty-
One very special THETA-ETT
is MARY DAVIDSON-She's a
CHRISTIAN product and was
pinned to one AGR last spring--
continued on page 11
We'll vary the usual procedure
and NOT welcome the freshmen.
You're here and that's all there
is to it-if you're in a fraternity
or a sorority fine-if you're an
independent okay too-it makes
no difference to us . . . In fact
we don't give much of a damn
about you-you'll find that now
that rush week is over-nobody
gives a damn for you-and it's
up to you to make the best of col-
lege here . . . Every year a large
percentage of the freshman class
flunks out-the fraternity is sorry
to lose a house bill-your girl
has to look around for another
sucker-but nobody really minds
much about the flunk-outers---
they are alone in their misery -
alone with their folks to weep
about the spilled milk-evaporat-
ed milk at that . . .
So that takes care of a few of
you freshmen . . .
Then most of you will either
overdo the social stuff and skim
through on grades-or overdo the
book stuff and forget society
. . . Well-nobody cares much--
you're buttering your bread dur-
ing your freshman year and you'll
have to lie in it for the next three.
A few of you-very few-will
balance study and social life neat-
ly-and go out for an activity
and really work on it . . . We
don't care now-nor does any-
one else-but it's these few of
you about whom people WILL
give a damn next year and the
year after. . .
So you're all in the same boat
now-tolerated and only that by
the campus . . . A hell of a lot
of you will just be tolerated for
four years-but a few, a few grand
members of your class will go up
on the campus . , . And we've
never seen a B. M. O. C. yet--
a really B. M. O. C. who didn't
have fairly good grades and one
girl or more on a string besides
havirg an activity. . Think it
Business Manager-Thomas Becker
Richard Amper Dick Timmis
Harold Sours Randy Rasch
M usic .Eldon Jones
Drama .-.Beth Hodgson
Sports . .Paul Hunt
Art . . Sybil
Joseph Paul Thomas Becker
Several important additions to both
the editorial and business staffs will be
announced in the next issue.
We're going to devote this right
hand column to our own private likes
and dislikes, just to show you people
how much fun it is to be an editor-
and besides, we ought to get some-
thing besides coffee and cake money
out of this. . . .
To begin with-despite the fact that
it's hard to show partiality in things
like campus bands-we have to be
among the first to salaam and doff our
bonnet to Eldon Jones and his boys
for working up the best-and we mean
best-unit heard on this campus in a
long time . . Of course Jones heads
the music department of this mag and
we're liable to be a bit prejudiced-
but the other night the boys got ap-
plause-yes, actually applause, on near-
ly everything they tried. Hand clap-
ping of that appreciative type is prac-
tically unheard of here . . And if Jones
and the boys can move this crowd to
applause-they're good . Not less
than ten persons commented to us that
the boys should give up this college
stuff and head for the big time, be-
cause they've got it . . Duck Millard
deserves lots of credit too--for realiz-
ing that the campus is getting more
music-conscious--.and will flock to hear
Eldon and the boys take off down at
Harris'. Listen especially for "Honey-
suckle Rose," "Alice," "John Brown's
Body," and "Merry-go-round Broke
Johnny Rieck and his boys are at a
distinct disadvantage because of the
short time they've had for rehearsal-
but Johnny promises us-and we be-
lieve him-that his boys are really
musicians and after a few more weeks
of playing together they'll be right up
there competing with Jones . . . So
all in all, it looks like the band situation
in town will be a happy one this year,
and at least we'll be able to tromp on
the gal's toes in time to good music . .
This month's next unpaid puff is
dealt out to Alpha Gamma Delta.
Those girls have been in the usual sit-
uation of a small house being small
and generally not much noticed for
sever-all years. Suddenly they all got
out and really worked, and presto-
they got some place . . . They were
tired of being called the house next to
the Kappa house-and hauled in a crop
of pledges that looks as likely as any
on the campus . . . and mebbe if the
Kappa noses don't lower they'll be
known as the house next to the A. G.
D. house . Notice especially A. G. D.
pledges Dorothy Chynoweth, Dorothy
Coarde, and Helen Seever . .
As sort of an apology for the dirty
crack above-the one at the Kappas
-we want to join the rest of the cam-
pus in kicking ourselves for our atti-
tude last year, toward Kappa Savitar
Editor Fuqua . . . After the political
mess last year we said she wouldn't
be wuth a thing as an editor along with
some other things. . We take it all
back-that Savitar dummy is fine-
and it'll be a better book than those
we've had for the last five years .
Fuqua surprised us, lowered her voice
a bit, took on some more charm, and
along with Business Mangler Glenn is
turning out a more-than-good piece of
We didn't think it, but sororities at
Stephens are taken quite as seriously
there as on the M. U. campus . . .
They boost the girls in activities, posi-
tions and the like, and strangely
enough, stick together a bit better than
the gals on this side of town. Their
rush week starts Thursday-and ac-
cording to the best dope-Sigma Iota
Chi will grab off the best fillies . .
* Dean Stephens addresses freshman convocation:-"You should put in two hours of study for each hour of
subject. Fifteen credit hours would require thirty hours of study a week, totalling forty-five hours of school
work. There are 168 hours in a week and 45 from 168 leaves 123 hours for sleeping and so forth."
I always spend four minutes on
The undies of the day.
I take a bath each evening to
Avoid the odor way.
My teeth have just that pearly sheen
You get with three days test-
My hair is never out of place-
I always look my best
My lips don't have that painted look-
My perfume doesn't crash-
My family has influence
And quite a lot of cash.
I'm what they all are looking for-
But, woe, I cannot see
Just where I am to find a man
Who's good enough for me. M. R.
o "He looked up from checking
the roll and there she stood."
YOU'VE seen him before.
There's one "best dressed man"
at every university. At Mentor
University he was Carl Gilson,
assistant professor of the humani-
Eight years before, he had come
down to the university, named to
an obscure mid-year appointment
as instructor, fresh from Chicago
with shiny seams, frayed pocket
edges and a master's.
He was always spotlessly
dressed. His seams may have
been shiny and his pockets frayed,
but his trousers were always
pressed and no stains soiled his
Eight years he fought his way
upward. None of his students
knew or cared that he was put-
ting a sister through his univer-
sity. All they knew was that he
lectured interestingly and was a
good scout about grades.
His sister finished college and
an assistant professorship came
his way. He became more af-
fluent and his clothes improved.
He tossed them away when they
became baggy at the knees or
shiny in the seat. Each fall his
appearance became more quietly
correct. Once someone noticed
a swank Fifth Avenue label in
his coat. One summer he went
abroad and came back with new
His lecture room style became
more brilliant, his demeanor ir-
reproachable. He took on more
self-assurance. Students admired
his poise, respected his learning,
imitated his detachment and de-
spaired of attaining his tailored
Registration filled his courses
early. They became known as
snaps because he was easy on
grades. Among the girls he was
popular. They looked on his
tailored perfection and thought
him the solution to the problem
of what to do after college. But
he never tumbled.
His reputation slowly grew, his
polish became more glossy until
one day he heard himself re-
ferred to as the "best dressed
member of the faculty."
He had never particularly
thought of himself as that. He
had always let himself be guided
by his unerring sense of good
taste. Next morning, over coffee
in his restaurant, a newspaper
called him "the well-bred Profes-
After that he nurtured this rep-
utation. While his suits may
have been one or two years old
they were the kind that are sup-
posed to be mellowed by wear,
and he wore them with the air
of a man born to wear fine things.
Then, three weeks after the
winter term opened, something
disturbing interrupted his well-
He found her in front of the
desk from which he was about to
begin his lecture. The desk was
on a low platform such as they
build in the front of lecture rooms,
and her head was level with his.
He looked up from checking the
roll and there she stood.
"Dr. Gilson," (he still had to
write his thesis), she began, "I
need three hours more credit and
this is the only course I can take
at this hour. It fits my require-
ments and the Dean said I could
take it if you'd let me enter."
"But Miss . ." the title hung
in the air, an interrogation.
"Sandifer," she supplied and
hurried on. "Please let me enter.
You see, I've got to have three
more hours if I'm to graduate in
June and this is the only thing I
"But Miss Sandifer," he ex-
plained gravely, "my section is
full. I have thirty-five students
now. Surely you can find another
course that would do."
"That's just it. There isn't
any other course that fits in."
By Harold Sours
"Well, sit down somewhere for
the present and come to see me
this afternoon in Longwood Hall.
I have office hours there from 2
to 3:30. We'll see then if we can
fit you in."
She tok a seat in the rear of
the room. His lecture, one he
had delivered a hundred times
before, rolled from his lips for
the first ten minutes. Then he
noticed her sitting, looking at
him. Without any apparent
cause, he felt that he couldn't
go on. He had forgotten every-
thing. His mind was a hazy
blank. So he dismissed them
forty minutes early and went to
lunch very puzzled.
"Bennett," he asked a friend
over the lunch table, "has such
a thing ever happened to you?"
and he related the sequence of
The other looked at him hu-
morously and replied:
"You mean you don't know
"No. Do you?"
"Oh, I suspect I can guess what
it is, but I'll let you figure it out
The look Bennett gave him
made him ponder as he walked
to his apartment. His step was
unhurried and measured as al-
ways. His brow wrinkled in per-
plexity. Just as he entered his
orderly living-room the solution
to his bewilderment hit him with
a force he couldn't deny. He
"God! That's it! I'm in love."
The idea was ridiculous. Love
at first sight! And to him! He
rejected the idea. He dismissed
the thought as absurd, but it kept
recurring, each time more strong-
That must be it, he decided
reluctantly. Why, he could re-
member her gray eyes, a brown
wisp of hair curling from the
brim of a modish hat, the irregu-
lar nose ,the heavy but sculptured
chin and the firm, well-rouged
lips. A good-enough catalogue.
What else could it be but that,
he thought, when he remembered
her attributes so readily. The
girl hadn't stood before him a
half a minute.
He sat down at his office desk
as a knock sounded at the door.
He had been pacing the floor for
half-an-hour. He thought this
over. It was something new.
New and not altogether welcome.
He reviewed his life. The last
few years had been pleasant. A
cheery apartment, well educated
friends, though few of them, good
conversation, an occasional cock-
tail with companions, good books,
his well-ordered routine of study
and teaching, his orderly office.
He compared the lives of his
associates as he'd seen them.
There was Bennett, married, two
kids, barely scratching along. No
dignity, no, car, no good clothes,
and always looking as though he'd
pressed his trousers in the kitchen
with a flatiron, shiny at the seams
and elbows. Ragwin, his friend
who taught mathematics, was lit-
tle better off. Stains on his trou-
sers, frayed at the pockets, collars
always saw-edged, strings hang-
ing from his shirt cuffs. A shabby
home on faculty row where the
lesser lights rented furnished
houses with, perhaps, a couple of
student roomers. Lawns to mow,
ashes to take out.
The repeated knock roused him.
"Come in," he called. He knew
who it was before the door opened.
There she stood, just as he'd
imagined her a moment ago.
"Miss Sandifer," he told her
when her well-remembered fea-
tures confronted him across the
desk, "I've thought the whole
thing over and there's really no
room for you in my section."
"But . . ." she protested. Then,
sensing finality, she turned.
"I'm sorry, no room . . . no
The door closed softly behind
Liberte, Egalite, Sororite
-OR LOVE CONQUERS ALL
He was a poverty-stricken plug-
ger from Peoria. She was a hot-
house high-hatter from Hialeah.
He was a house-boy at the Al-
falfa Alpha Sorority house. She
was the sorority president. It
was love at first sight, but they
realized, they did, that they were
not for each other.
Many were the dresses she
ruined with salt tears which she
could not halt, when a trembling
hand would place a bowl of al-
phabet soup before her with "I
love you" spelled out on the brim,
or a pink hand (pink from unac-
customed dish-washing) would
set before her a bowl of celery
with the leaves trimmed to re-
He slept in the cellar while she
reclined in downy comfort in her
gabled, second-floor room. She
was Cleopatra; he was a galley-
slave. She was Marie Antoinette;
he was a lackey. She was Bar-
bara Hutton; he was a Bronx
bootblack. She was the Norman-
die; he was a garbage barge. She
was Guinevere; he was a scullery
knave. She was Garbo; he was
a prop boy.
"I can't stand it any longer,"
he told her one day as he chucked
away the last dish.
"Why?" she asked. "Is it be-
cause . . . because . . . you love
"Yes. But we can never have
each other. It is best. I love
you, but I must, and can, make
"But I love you, too, Eustace,
and will marry you, in spite of
hell and a malicious system of
class distinction that has survived
the middle ages and has continued
even unto our own day and coun-
try, fettering the world with its
shackles of prejudice, destroying
love, promulgating hate. This is
a free country. This is a new day.
This is a democracy. This is
One question that has proved
unanswerable to musicians since
time immemorial is the difference
between music; black and white.
The fact is that anyone with a
fair ear can immediately discern
a difference in the intonation of
a good colored band from an
equally good white combo yet an
exact and accurate definition of
that difference cannot be set
forth. Screaming brass, screwy
tones and peculiar chord progres-
sions are the thoughts generally
associated with "jig" musicians,
but in refutation of this argument
is the fact that some of the sweet-
est tunes- have been written by
Duke Ellington, Andy Kirk and
Father (the Earl of) Hines.
Proving that the audience does
enjoy the more or less subtle dif-
ference in modern sweet swing
of the black man, Andy Kirk,
whose band originated in Kan-
sas City and who has played sev-
eral times in Columbia, has
climbed to an enviable position
this past summer and is now the
leading attraction in the line of
colored entertainment. On tour
at the present time he is pulling
crowds in a manner that would
be pleasing to any of the top
And while we're on the subject
of Andy Kirk it should be men-
tioned that Mary Lou Williams,
his piano player, is responsible
for the greater part of his ar-
rangements-both sweet and
swing. Her latest accomplish-
ment is "Roll 'Em" which she
wrote and arranged for Benny
Goodman to record and which
is his best since "Blue Skies."
Harry James, co - writer of
"Peckin' ", and formerly with
Ben Pollack, does a trumpet
chorus that just won't stop.
The answer to a swing fan's
dream is the Saturday night swing
session piped out over CBS from
the New York studios. Artists
featured are most of the currently
popular swingsters and new tal-
ent is scouted between sessions.
Don't be surprised to, hear them
swing on everything from an E-
flat tie clasp to a B-flat cream
Here are some briefs on some
of the best record releases of the
month. Hal Kemp scores with
"Stop, You're Breaking My
Heart" featuring Skinny Ennis.
The other side of the disc shows
off Bob Allen singing "Whispers
in the Dark." Bob Crosby dis-
plays plenty of Corn in his re-
cording of "The Old Spinning
Wheel" and "Gin Mill Blues" is
his top record in the new style
he has so cleverly introduced.
Tommy Dorsey has made some
fine records and deserves credit,
but the more legit musicians prob-
ably cannot see his idea in mak-
ing swing arrangements on so
many of the old favorite melodies.
His recording of "Our Penthouse
on Third Avenue" and "Posin"
should not be overlooked. "Red"
Nichols seems to be making a
comeback in his record on "Hu-
moresque" and "0 Solo Mio,"
which seems to be the stuff.
Several people have asked about
my old drummer, Billie Smith.
For your information, Billie was
doing studio work from the radio
station in Houston, Texas the last
time I heard from him, but since
that time word has reached me
that he joined "Red" Nichols to
do most of his vocal work and
hold down the drum job in the
In variance with the established
routine of an organized combo in
the local jelly spots, a plan is
under way to supplement the en-
tertainment with a regular week-
ly jam session. This session will
not be limited to, orchestra mem-
bers, but will be open to any mu-
sician who wants to sit in and
DO YOU KNOW YOUR
1. Memorial Tower is:
a. A memorial.
b. An outstanding example
of Gothic architecture.
c. A pigeon roost.
2. Jesse Hall is:
a. Mr. Jesse's old homestead.
b. A jelly joint.
c. A new Stephens dormi-
3. Mary McKee is:
a. The real name of Greta
b. The first woman house-
painter in Denver, Colo.
c. Shakespeare's first wife.
4. A Kappa is: -
a. A drink made of one jig-
ger cream, one jigger
creme de cacao, and one
jigger dry gin.
b. Your first blind date.
c. A sort of foundation gar-
5. The journalism lions are:
c. No gentlemen.
Several Saucy Sisters in Search of A Strike.
"Every word I utter in my newspaper experiences
is really social propoganda," says Little Orphan
Annie, "But I am too subtle to come outright with
my social implications.
Bust of Mary Anne Finck-
lestein, unveiled amidst
many oaths in Union
Square, 1936. After her de-
but in Minsky's Burlesque,
Mary Anne later had her
face lifted and changed her
last name to Davieees and
went into the cinema at a
$$$$$ salary. It has been
whispered since, in the best
social-minded sets, that she
contributed huge sums
monthly to aid the Cali-
fornia Lemon Strikers.
Quoted in "Screen Mush-
ings" in an article entitled,
THE REAL REAL REAL
ME, Marion said, "I am
tired, devastatingly but
utterly tired, of seeing the
Lemon Strikers squeezed
to death by the- (It was
probably darn, but you
know how the movie maga-
zines have to watch them-
selves.) capitalists." She
then turned her back on
and retired to her orchid
hothouse to brood.
Gypsy Stripsy Lee during
her famous fanny dance at
the St. Louis World's Fair
in 1901. Ousted by a com-
mittee of Y. M. C. A. men,
who, apparently, didn't ap-
preciate her twisting to the
left nor the right, for that
matter, Gypsy Stripsy
sought refuge in a Cracker
and Candy Factory. It was
here while wrapping OH-
Y U M M-GOODIE Bars
that she became aware of
the working class. The ma-
chines were whizzed and
speed up until by evening,
Gypsy Stripsy had delu-
sions that the time clock
was chocolate covered and
was punching right back
at her. Her head high,
Fanny Filbert of the Bronx has something for Mr.
Hearst--and it isn't a midget for his knee.
When questioned for her radical actions, Fan-
ny said, "Why that - - - Hearst. I'd like to
break his lousy neck. He spelled my name wrong
in his -- old papers.
Possession Is Nine Tenths
C. C. CONDON
The girl wanted to be possessed.
She was. But one-tenth of
love proved greater than
It happened to her. It
can happen to you.
Maebelle was no amateur at
dating, and she just couldn't stand
those guys who on taking her to
the door would shift uneasily and
ask timidly, "May I kiss you good
"Of course not," she would say
with a brutal finality which would
crush the guy but which Maebelle
thought he properly deserved for
being so dumb.
She was really a pushover for
a smoothie who would look deep-
ly at her with that dominating,
possessive, and meaningful gleam
in his eye. The drawing room
caveman was her downfall. And
she fancied the shy, respectful,
woman-worshiping, perfect little
gentlemen about as much as an
hour quiz in zoology. She didn't
want to be put on a pedestal to
freeze; she wanted to be yanked
down and be possessed.
That was why she said, "Of
course not," when Horace meekly
asked if he might kiss her good-
night and why she quickly
thanked him and closed the door
even though it was an hour before
men had to leave the sorority
Horace turned into the night,
feeling all the pains that go with
unrequited love. For Horace loved
Maebelle with all the devotion
and all the intensity that any
man ever loved any woman. His
love was no less than Romeo's
for Juliet, but he was inarticulate.
He felt rather than spoke his
adoration. And so his love was
Bob was different. He didn't
have to ask if he might kiss her,
because he knew when, and more
than that, how.
When Horace left, Maebelle
kept her late date with Bob. She
knew the unfairness of the late
date, but what ever effront it
might be to others, it was worth
Bob sat next to her on the soft
couch. They were close to each
other, their heads almost touch-
ing. He turned and kissed her
hair tenderly. When she looked
up, he looked at her longingly,
and slowly, almost imperceptibly,
moved his head toward her lips.
She did not draw back. So he
continued in his studied, practiced
manner. A slight space sepa-
rated their lips, and Bob stopped.
It was a cataleptic, teasing halt
that keyed anticipation. Then
lightly their lips touched. Then
he drew her close to him and
held her tightly.
Here was the master at work.
The collegiate Casanova.
But where was Horace?
At this moment, he was outside
the door. His patient subservi-
ence, his humble worship of Mae-
belle became too oppressive. He
suspected she had a late date and
felt, at last, that he was being
treated unfairly. He didn't stop
to think that he might be ending
his friendship with Maebelle by
And so he walked into the
house without knocking. Mae-
belle saw him and jumped up.
Bob pushed back a lock of hair
and lit a cigarette.
"Well, of all the nerve," she
Horace stood like a dead tree.
Any vindication he originally felt
turned quickly to abject remorse
when he saw and heard her.
"I-I-I'm sorry," he muttered.
"Get out of here, and I never
want to see you again," Maebelle
"But I love you," he said. "I
came back because I had to. I
can't help what you think of me
now. I only know that I love
"I never want to see you again,"
she bellowed. "Will you kindly
Horace looked about wildly,
forlornly, and futilely. Then he
walked out into the night again,
more miserable than he had ever
been before. He sat down on
the curb at the corner and sank
his head into his hands.
"The idea," Maebelle said, com-
ing back to Bob, who extin-
guished the cigarette and raised
his eyebrows indifferently.
"Why can't he be like you," she
Bob pulled her to him again,
kissed her, and said, "Oh, he'll be
all right. He still takes things
Maebelle drew away in puzzled
surprise. "Don't you?" she said.
"You mean love?" he asked.
"Yes, love. Us."
"Why of course I take you se-
riously," but his avowal had a
tin ring. Then he said quickly,
"Why you know I do."
But Maebelle wasn't so sure.
"Oh, come on," Bob said. "Let's
continue where we left off."
Maebelle drew further away, a
conviction growing within her.
"Well, if you want to sit over
there and twiddle your thumbs,
okay," Bob said. "Inasmuch as I
can't think of an intellectual sub-
ject to discuss at the moment, I
think I'll go. If you take a guy
who busts in on you as Horace
did so seriously, and if you take
me seriously and want to. raise
a rumpus about it, I don't want
to stick around to see it. Phone
me if you change your mind."
Maebelle wasn't one to become
melodramatic about spurned love,
particularly when she blamed her-
self for being deluded.
But she felt she was going to
cry, so she went out on the porch.
She saw Horace sitting deject-
continued on page 11
he was oh so. protectinglike with
her and we never did rate an in-
troduction but we got it the other
night and we're plenty glad -
especially since there's no jew-
elry in the way now.
ARROWS FROM THE
STEVIE STEVENSON would
very much like to meet KENNY
TAYLOR, STEWART ROAD-
ER-KENNY lets us in on the
know and says he's thinking about
dating this year so good luck
STEVIE-MM NOBLE, who so
resembles the DUCHESS OF
WINDSOR is free from BILLY
BATES, PHI SIGH, at least at
this writing but we hear that
hearts still throb-RUTH KEN-
YON is seriously thinking of
showing her little (and very
sweet) sister to all her sister
recognize them especially when
she's in GAEBLERS and with
pledges-Seems MABLE fails to
SHOTS IN THE DARK . . .
JACK MANNING, polo play-
er and KAPPA man, found crawl-
ing into that house in the small
hours looking for NICHOLS to
tell her something or other and
BIRDIE SCOTT, KAPPA
guardian, a little huffy about it
BOB GLENN, the only uncon-
tested person on the Savitar wak-
ing up in a different bed and not
recognizing his roommate in a
nightgown or was it his room-
MARY ALICE MESSERLY,
Pi Phi pledge, might take the
advice that she not use her for-
mer A. C. tactics and maybe she'll
become another Carolyn Collier.
The new D. G. doll, JEANNE
TYLER, looks like big queen
material. The Show hopes she
won't go too college about it
what with beauty and a strong
political body behind her.
ALPHA CHI WHITE is still
probably the nicest looking in
that house or many others.
Summer school was a session
with the D. U. breakfast club.
GIBSON and KING of that
house met with numerous women
for coffee and rolls evry dawn
after nights of study.
Rumor has it MISS McKEE,
beloved dean of young woman-
hood, is going to limit the stag
lines at the parties the girls give
this winter. Maybe she's been
caught in one of those tussles
and ruined a good pair of silk
School again brings to mind
the end of second semester last
year with all those off the record
parties in the men's club houses.
They were very lavish but the
decorations took a beating and
the bands played too loud for
any worthwhile dancing. One
house put on that old thriller,
"Ten Nights in a Barroom," with
half the sororities playing Little
Nell, and as far as anyone knows
the dolls enjoyed it immensely
and are just waiting until the
end of second semester.
POSSESSION IS NINE-
edly on the curb at the corner.
"Horace," she cried, a sudden
realization of something real and
honest and fine in him dispelling
the misery that Bob induced.
Horace turned around, arose,
continued on page 24
Charm (with apologies to
Shakespeare) is the ultimate goal
of the modern Miss. And charm-
ing is the word for Maude Adams,
Stephens' new dramatic head.
Her irresistable personal appeal
made her famous on two, contin-
ents not so many years ago when
she played her way into the heart
of her every audience as the care-
free, prankful Petr Pan. She'll
arrive in time to start to work by
the first of October. At present
her contract calls for her pres-
ence here two months, but it may
be changed for a longer time ac-
cording to President Wood.
And while Maude Adams is
busy getting the Stephens girls
in trim, over at the University
they will be teaching the ladies
how to boost their future hus-
bands into the presidential chair.
Workshop starts the season off
with "First Lady," a play written
by George Kaufman and a former
woman Washington correspond-
ent. It's based on the famed
Alice Longworth-Dolly Gann
feud. They will follow up with
"Pride and Prejudice" by Jane
Austen, a play about a mother
who had a husband and her four
daughters who wanted them.
Their philosophy of life was, "any
single man in possession of a
good fortune must be in want of
a wife." And those women didn't
merely think, they acted. "The
Petrified Forest," Broadway fav-
orite and film vehicle for Leslie
Howard, is the third play for the
University. The fourth play of
the season, James Barrie's "Dear
Brutus" is famous for the fact
that the curtain is to be pulled
so steathily that if there were a,
mouse on the stage, it would
still be there when the play be-
gins. That's a big order for
Workshop technicians when you
consider the equipment o-f Jesse
Auditorium-and the mice.
All of Stephens activities won't
center around Maude Adams.
Ross and Mortenson will present
their regular schedule of plays
with the addition of one more.
And not to let the University get
ahead of them with their new
sceneshop, Stephens dramatic de-
partment put their carpenters to
work to enlarge their scenebuild-
Speaking of new equipment,
the University sceneshop has a
cement trench intended for use
in painting scenery. It's deep
enough to resemble Lovers' Leap
but there will be no smooching at
the brink of this precipice, rules
Sully, Workshop's slave-driving
Christian College doesn't an-
nounce its schedule of plays in
advance, but they'll manage to
have their say before the year is
Just as Workshop thought it
was going down for the third time
this fall with all its officers fail-
continued on page 23
0 We haven't been able to get mother off the couch
since Catherine Cornell passed through here in "The
Barretts" two years ago.
DAIRY OF CUBAN STUDENT
Mon.-Paraded for three hours today. Shot three police-
men. Three hits out of five tries. Nice work. University
opens today. Registered.
Tue.-Fought dirty Capitalists this morning. Spinach for
lunch again. Fought Communist strikers this afternoon.
Nice blonde sits next to me in Physics.
Wed.-Blonde has brains. Helped hatch plot to murder
Mayor and shut off city water supply for two or three days.
Spinach for lunch again today. Later-Physics prof sprung
quiz; didn't have time to murder Mayor-dumped typhoid
germs in water instead.
Thur.-Shot at four dirty Capitalists this morning.
Missed three. Aim getting bad. That damned Physics Pro-
fessor is making me nervous. Spinach for lunch again.
Shot cook. Got syllabus fee-$10. Went to see accountant
about it. Accountant got snooty. Beat up accountant. Went
to see Prexy about syllabus fee. Said I had to pay it.
Fri.-Wrote note to Board of Trustees, warning them to
hunt for new President of the University, as we are going
to shoot this one. Saw Physics prof with blonde this after-
Sat.-Decided not to shoot President. Lynched him in-
stead. Blonde and Physics prof had date last night. Blonde
said she had to go or he'd flunk her. Later-Blonde drink-
ing coffee with Physics prof in the Greasy Spoon. Later-
Bombed Physics prof's house. Later - Physics prof not
Sun.-Nothing to do . . . things pretty quiet. Went
down and derailed three street cars. Started riot. Shot
Physics prof. Will teach class-and blonde-myself.
Small Boy: What is college bred, pop ?
Father: College bread is a four-year loaf made from the
flavor of youth, and the dough of old age."
* "I just came to see my friend off."
Impatient Diner: Hey, waiter, hey-
Waiter: All right sir, but we'll have to send out for it.
Professor (to engineering class) : What is a dry dock?
Student: A physician who won't give a prescription.
Father (to young son) : When Abe Lincoln was your
.ge, he was making his own living.
Son: Yes, and when he was your age, he was president.
Young Coed: Oh, dad, I've just
discovered that the girl who sits next
to me in Bio. has a hat exactly like
Father: So I suppose you want me
to buy a new one?
Coed: Well, darling, that would be
cheaper than changing schools.
Well the fall is here at last. I just
saw a Scotchman throw away his
Christmas tree. With everybody re-
turning to school, it isn't any wonder
we are all worried about clothes.
Everybody will soon be walking
around the campus with their new
fall suits, that is everybody but me.
But I expect to have some new clothes
soon, as I just received a letter from
my tailor saying that if I don't pay
him soon for the overcoat I bought
last winter he is going to bring suit.
I always felt that the best tailor was
nothing more than a sew and sew.
Naturally, we are all interested in
what the smart young man will wear.
To begin with, one of the most impor-
should be worn, with corn a yellow
tie and with mashed potatoes, I like
salt and pepper. Tan shoes go well
with coffee but for drinking I prefer
crullers. This idea of wearing clothes
to match your dinner does not apply
to everyone as some people look well
in everything they eat.
You should be careful about buy-
ing a suit. A man should wear a suit
that fits his build. Many wives and
sweethearts pick their man's suits.
Most wives, though, only pick the
pockets. Smart tailors not only
change the design of suits, but also
change the style of the pockets from
time to time. But this year owing to
the times and the cost of all the
books I've had to buy, there will be
very little change in my pockets. In
* "The stiff bosom shirt is just a
straight jacket that has worked its way
have them back by twelve o'clock.
And now something about the busi-
ness suit. Some men call their Tuxe-
dos their business suits - but, of
course, that's another kind of busi-
ness, monkey business.
I do know that there can be a great
deal of saving if a man will give a
little more consideration and thought
to his dress. For example, if you hap-
pen to know that you are going to
have roast beef with brown gravy for
dinner, I would suggest a dark brown
suit. This does away with the fear of
spilling the gravy in your lap. Side
dishes should also be taken into con-
sideration. With spinach a green tie
* "The pants have to be so tight,
you're afraid to sit down and ashamed
to stand up."
tant suits in a young man's wardrobe
is the Tuxedo. I might add here that
no man is properly dressed unless he
is uncomfortable. A stiff bosom shirt
is just a straight jacket that has
worked its way into society. The
trousers have to be so tight that you
are ashamed to stand up and afraid
to sit down. You are supposed to
wear a white collar and a black tie,
but by the time you are through fix-
ing your tie, they are both black. Most
of the Tuxedos worn today are known
as Cinderella suits as you have to
* "When eating corn wear a yellow
tie to match"
fact as far as I am concerned, I don't
see why they make pockets at all; I
haven't used mine in six months.
As for the women's clothes. I have
often been asked whether I didn't pre-
fer the shorter dresses to the present
longer ones. It really makes no differ-
ence to me as I've got a good mem-
ory. I do feel however that men have
one advantage over women when it
comes to clothes. They at least have
something to discard when the warm
weather comes around. They say a
woman should wear clothes to fit her
particular personality. However I was
out with a girl who had no personal-
ity and wasn't very particular.
Clothes makes the man, but it takes
a woman to do one.
* "A wife picking her husband's suit
(and his pocket at the same time)."
HOW TO READ A
These instructions on how to de-
cipher, properly, the meanings in-
tended by any undergraduate news-
paper, are the fruits of two years of
intensive effort. To be effective, they
must be adhered to studiously, or else
. . , !
1. Pay absolutely no attention to
the headlines; they have nothing to
do with the stories. and are only the
random thoughts of the men on is-
sue. Just disregard them.
2. If you want a bit of real, timely
news, which is no more than two days
old, look on the last page, lower left
hand corner. It will be concealed in
some insignificant bit of advertising
copy, but don't let that fool you.
3. Every news story is to be read
by beginning at the third line; that is
really the first line. Then go back to
the top line; that is the second line;
under that you will find the third line.
Using this system, read all the way
down the column, if you can.
4. Graciously and calmly ignore
all peculiar words, relegating them to
linotyper's ingenuity, and proofread-
5. Kindly allow for the fact that
all sports stories are at least five days
old, and sixty-five percent erropeous.
If you must read these columns, just
take in the opening paragraph; the
remainder of the story is only elabo-
ration, mere paraphrasing in novel
6. All names are invariably mis-
spelled as a matter of routine bvsi-
ness, especially if it is your own.
Even the editor's name is distorted
into some unrecognizable monstrosity.
What chance has yours?
7. If a story you are reading ends
abruptly at the bottom of the page,
forget it. That's the end of that news
8. Never rely on the date given at
the top of the page. It's wrong!
"How did you get the truth from
reading Henry's letter?"
"I read between the lyin's."
Now is the time to see if you're
a successful dater. Mark an X
if your answer to a question
is "yes". If it's "no--
give yourself a O.
Count five points for each X.
If your score is 20, then you
may consider yourself nor-
mal. If it's a hundred or
near that-GIVE UP! ! !
1-(boy) Do you try again after
being turned down on a date
twice? (girl) Do you refuse
a boy a date on principle
when he first asks?
2-Do you try to kiss or be
kissed on the first date--in
spite of the fact that you're
sure it's "lurve at first sight"?
3-Are you affected on your
first date with a person?
4-After you've reached the
kissing stage do you forget
that there are other forms of
5-Do. you profess love at any
and all times to ease your
6-Do you slurp ? (yawn while
7-Do you breathe like a wind-
ed whale in the clinches?
8-Are you an ear-blower-inner?
Are you a hickey distributor?
9-Do you boast of your con-
quests to the boys (or the
girls) back at the house?
10-Do you use the same line on
more than one person in a
11-Do you forbid freshmen to
date your women (or men)?
12-Do you make conquests to
test your skill and not be-
cause you're particularly in-
tested in the victim?
13-Do you date a person merely
to "be seen" with him or her ?
14--Are you a professional life
of the party?
15--Do you accept dates with just
anybody rather than stay
THE WELL OF LONELINESS-Or How
Far Is It to the Well? The fruit of frustration,
this mural was painted on a bench in Central
Park by Joy O'Jitterish, an almond dipper in a
large Eastern Candy Factory. "I did it with my
left hand," explained Miss O'Jitterish. "I also dip
chocolates with my left hand," she further added.
Psychiatrists have come to the conclusion that Miss
O'Jitterish painted the picture at the same time
she was dipping chocolates. Besides painting, Miss
O'Jitterish collects first editions. She has the larg-
est collection of sex books on hand in America.
"But," she said, taking the hand of our inquiring
reporter, "Where does it get me?" In his haste
at catching the nearest street-car, our correspond-
ent forgot to take a look at Miss O'Jitterish's fur-
lined tongue, which she claims should have won
first prize at the Sioux City Surrealism Exhibit.
I BELIEVE I'VE GOT SOMETHING
THERE---Or Flesh and Bread and Butter. By
Charlie Chaparral, Public Table Cloth Artist Num-
ber One. Last year, Mr. Chaparral drew upl a
petition for New York restaurants to substitute
indelible pencils for mashed okra on the Blue Plate
Special. Mr. Chaparral is a rapid worker. He has
been known to cover an entire table cloth before
the shrimp cocktail has been whisked away by the
waiter. New York chefs, in a stew, complained
recently, accusing Mr. Chaparrall of not giving
them enough time to let the meat get cold before
it was served. The above reproduction was cre-
ated in a Harlem cabaret when Mr. Chaparral
was explaining to a friend, male, of course, the
way to the men's room.
SOMEDAY THEY'LL DRAG THE RIVER
FOR MY BODY-Or If You Don't Like This
Country Why Don't You Go Back Where You
Came From. This surrealist study was sketched
by Professor Horace Smells of the College of the
City of Omps, Virginia. His students, toasting him
as the Daddy of the Dadaists, recently proclaimed
a two-weeks holiday in the honor of his art. Pro-
fessor Smells" ideas for painting come to him
about three o'clock in the morning while he is
sound asleep. His wife, without wakening him,
puts a paint brush in his hand and simply lets him
go at it. "Isn't he wonderful," Mrs. Smells said,
"He's completely unconscious." Some of Profes-
sor Smells's most subtle compositions have been
done on pillow cases. "I just wish you could see
my night gown," said Mrs. Smells. "But, darling,"
the professor interrupted, "I sent your night gown
to the art museum last week." "My Goodness,"
Mrs. Smells exclaimed, "I thought I'd felt a draft."
I LOVE A MARRIED MAN-Or Desire
Under the Elevated. A bit of fantasy, this water-
color was painted by Alfretta Algers, a child of
twelve-or maybe it was twelve children. This
deep study of the surreal mind was discovered by
Abraham Clutsky in a trunk in an attic in the
Bronx. Clutsky offered the Alger family seventy-
five cents for the trunk. He later sold the above
picture found in the trunk to the American Mu-
seum of Modern Art for one dollar and seventy-
five cents. "A clear profit," Clutsky pointed out
to our reporter. The Museum officials were aston-
ished to learn that the philosophical study of
whimsey was painted in the botom of the trunk
by the talented twelve year old child. Clutsky
was even further astonished to learn that the
child was still in the trunk when he purchased it.
"She goes with the trunk," said Father Algers,
refusing to buy back the trunk for fifty cents flat.
By PAUL HUNT
One fall day back in 1935 a
somewhat bewildered University
of Missouri football team called
time out and sunk to the ground
behind their line of scrimmage
for a breather.
Warily, they eyed a strong Uni-
versity of Colorado team that
had scored on the Tigers within
five minutes after the first quar-
ter had begun. Things were look-
ing bad. The Tiger defense was
as lacking as a keg of Brew at a
Up in the stands, the Alumni
groans could be heard clear out
to Mt. Oread and on up in the
press box, sports writers were
well on the way toward predict-
ing another football depression
year for Old Mizzou.
What happened during that
brief time out is known to but a
few but whatever it was, it lifted
Missouri from the short end of
the score and when the final gun
was fired, Missouri had not only
come back to win but also sound-
ed a warning to their Big Six
mates that the Bengals were no
longer anybody's gridiron meat.
For the rest of that season, Mis-
souri was tough. Last fall, they
were twice as tough and ended
up the annual banner chase in sec-
ond place. And now, with the
approach of the 1937 season-well
look out Nebraska.
When Coach Don Faurot
sounded the call late in the sum-
mer for his squad to assemble
September 10 to open the season
campaign, 24 letter men along
with 36 other hard - playing
huskies responded. A glance at
some of the men who are on
hand to blast the Big Six myth
that Nebraska is invincible seems
to fully justify Coach Faurot's
belief that he really has some-
thing this year.
At the center post, Hooty Bet-
ty, an All-Conference center on
many selections, will be back for
the annual wars. Two other able
ball snappers, Doer and Hamann,
will be on hand to step into the
breach whenever needed.
Captain Maury Kirk tops the
list of the best lot of guards old
Mizzou has seen in many a day.
Curt Bogash, the Beau Brummel
of the Bengal traveling squad;
Mike English, and B. D. Simon
will team with Kirk or alternate
with him to give all comers a
headache. The Tiger tackles
would be a treat to any coach's
eye. Big Frank Heidel, a 215
pound lad, and Godfried Rau,
who tips the beams at 227 will be
the starting players in the two
tackle berths. Another steam-
rolling pair are Ty Kolb, one of
the fastest men on the squad, and
Shanty Hogan, the pride of St.
Faurot has them two deep out
on the wings, too. Missouri fans
don't have to be told about Clyde
Nelson who is as hard to get
around as an out-of-state fee. Les
Pieper, known affectiontely by his
mates as "Peep, the Jeep," is
aother boy that Big Six backs
might just as well mark down on
their gridiron maps as a plenty
rough road. Fred Dickenson, a
former Independence player,
should see plenty of starting ac-
tion. Both Gurley and Moss, "the
Hoss" will be in there a lot of the
time and ball carriers with end
run ambitions will be seeing a lot
of these boys.
Back in the backfield, where
the annual sheepskin parade took
its worst toll, the Bengals will
probably build their club around
Heinie Mahley and veteran full-
back Harry Mason. Along with
these boys there is smashing Stan
Mondala, the one man gang, Don
Johnson whose sixty-some odd
yard run against Colorado back
in the gloomy days of early 1'935
started the Tigers on the upward
trail, Jack Kennison, a reformed
lineman who now sees his action
as blocking back, and Art Mur-
ray, Faurot's utility man and an
all around athlete in his own
Bolstering this select circle will
be Passing Pete Ewing, the aerial
circus star of several games last
year who polished off his ability
in Spring practice. Bill Ame-
lung, on the sidelines all last sea-
son with a bad knee, is back in
form and when the Tigers take
to the air, he also should be out-
Should this avalanche of beef
not be enough to convince Big
Six and non-conference foes alike
that they can't persuade the Ti-
ger defense into letting them by,
a likely crop of last year's fresh-
men will be on tap.
Such men as Clay Cooper, of
the athletically prominent Cooper
family, and Bob Faurot will lend
speed to Tiger maneuvers. Haas,
a big tackle, who creaks a chair
at 206 should stand out in the
line like a spot light in lovers'
These, of course, are only a few
of the men who will see action
this fall. Coach Faurot has capa-
ble men in the other positions and
will use them in his well known
mass troop movement toward the
As for a season prediction-
well, we said it once. Look out,
Nebraska. Not that Missouri will
merely have to walk out on the
field at the rest of the games to
chalk up a game on their asset
column because all the games will
be tough. But from where we
sit, the Iowa State Cyclone is a
zephyr this year, the Kansas State
Wildcats are in for a taming, the
Oklahoma boys will be tough but
beatable, the gents from Mt.
Oread are in for a worse drub-
bing than last year, and Nebraska
can figure on one damn tough
ball game when they hit Colum-
. The Cornhuskers, with a new
ringmaster, will be handicapped
because of that very reason. Biff
Jones will have to handle an un-
familiar setup while Faurot has
been building for this year since
he took over the driver's seat of
the Bengal gridiron machine in
The two St. Louis schools
should go by the board as should
the opener with Colorado. The
U. C. L. A. game is still too far
off and any predictions on that
game will have to come when it
is known how the Bengals come
through their tough season's
schedule in the way of injuries.
All in all, the Bengals have a
big, tough, experienced, well bal-
anced squad which, when summed
up, adds to plenty of shakeups
in the old established order in the
annual Big Six ring circus.
Madonna in white, but beneath the surface lies the
Flitting with careless efficiency, pausing to linger-
Possibly to banter, with jaunty gait and pugnacious
Ruling the domain of cubicles.
Automan outwardly, but a deep breasted human at
Flirtatious coquette, with guile becoming a woman
Lingering as a bee o'er its fruit.
Quick to sting and easily stung are virtues well
Like the turned earth torn asunder with the cleaver
of the plow
The parted field seems akin the divided game.
To be serious at heart would spoil the created
With the one deceived pitied.
But pitted against this personage the game is played
Until there is a created finis-
Either the patient gets well,
Or the visitor goes too far.
The Brown Derby
FREE! A Box of Life Savers for the best
What is the best joke that you heard on the
campus this week?
Send it in to your editor. You may wisecrack
yourself into a free prize box of Life Savers.
For the best line submitted each month by one
of the students, there will be a free award of an
attractive cellophane-wrapped assortment of all the
Life Saver flavors.
Jokes will be judged by the editors of the publi-
cation. The right to publish any or all jokes is re-
served. Decisions of the editors will be final. The
winning wisecrack will be published the following
month along with the lucky winner's name.
The Hell With Verification
BY JAY PATRICK
"No," said the rush captain of Missouri Dough-
nut chapter of Dunkit Inda Cawfee, in that peculiar
confidential tone assumed by all rush captains the
first two weeks in September, "we don't have any
drinking here, and there is absolutely no licker
allowed in the house."
Two of the brothers hiccuped past the door.
"Well," admitted the R. C., a few of the boys take
a little now and then, but that's only natural."
The R. C. sat down on the bed, the springs rat-
tled, and from the mattress dropped a half-filled
bottle of White Horse. "Well, well," said the
astounded one, "I really don't know how that could
have happened." He restored the White Horse care-
fully and with great dexterity. 'Hummmmmm," he
said, in a sort of 'one of those things' tone of
Launching forth again, the R. C. dropped his
voice another octave to obviate the possibility of
being overheard, and resumed his attack. "We
really have a fine bunch of fellows here," he began,
and liking it so well he added reflectively, "yes, sir,
a fine bunch of fellows." He looked at me: "fine
bunch of fellows," he again remarked.
"Yes," I said, "fine bunch of fellows."
"And very versatile," he goes on.
"Yes," I said, "very versatile fellows."
"And are we active socially," he questions, with
no possible chance of mistaking the desired answer.
"Well," from me, "wasn't there a little mat-
ter of your social privileges being taken away?"
A pause. "Hummm," he continued, "what are
a few little old social privileges; anyway we'll get
them back in nothing flat. But what I want to say
is-we consider you one of the highest type boy,
and of course old Dunkit Inda Cawfee takes nothing
but the best. You know that, don't you?"
"Ummmmm," I agree.
"Now we are getting along," the R .C. crows
very happy, "I know you'll be very happy with us
here, and now there must be some questions you
want to ask?"
"How much would it cost me?"
Very blunt but effective.
But the R. C. sprang with a snarl at this bone
of contention: "Our house bill is almost the lowest
on the campus, and that includes assessments, too,
and don't let anyone tell you about our house note.
It's a little matter of a hundred dollars, or so, but
that really doesn't mean anything-just a formal-
From the Dunkit Inda Cawfee mansion, I was
hustled to the Canna Bumma Cig house, where
dinner was served. After the meat and vegetable
plates had been cleared away, ninety per cent of
the boys rose and stood behind their chairs.
"Siddown, dammit, says their R. C., we gotta
"A what?", interrogates one of the halfbacks.
"A desert," patiently. "One of those thinks like
pie or ice cream, you know--a desert."
"Have we ever had one before?", very sus-
"Suah, surh, doncha remember last September?"
continued on page 25
ing to return to school, George
Palmer (Indep.) second vice-
president, turned up. He'll be the
new president since Ray Colcord
Workshop officer and Purple
Mask member, who went that
way last fall will soon be blessed
Speaking of broken romances,
there is the case of Mary Scudder
(Tri-Delt), prop girl, last year
torn between the devil and the
deep blue sea represented by an
old sweetheart and a med student,
who this year has been deserted
by both the devil and the sea.
But not all of Workshop's ro-
rances have gone on the rocks.
Marinelle O'Neal (Chi O), ac-
tress and director, will tread the
middle aisle this October and
Marge Huff (Chi 0).
And Louise Mairs, (Indep.)
Workshop's favorite tragedienne,
faces a real life tragedy in this
year's absence of her light o' love,
Jut Hammond (Phi Delt).
Pertinent question to end the
day--Will Tennessian Jimmie
Speer, good-looking Lambda Chi,
maintain Bob Case's (Sigma Chi)
record as a picker outer of cam-
pus beauties for Workshop's staff
of usherettes ?
g Hello-Ritz theater? Listen, how much are they
giving away at Bank Night tomorrow?
"MOTHER MAY WE HAVE MORE?"
The girls at the Alpha Delta Pi don't wait for the Central Dairy deliveryman to bring the milk in . . .
they come and get it. From left to right the girls are:
The Alpha Delta Pi is one of Central's many boosters for milk, ice cream, and orangeade.
He wants to know if there's a guy named Hearst around here.
Possession Is Nine-Tenths
continued from page 11
and slowly walked back to the
"Horace," she said apologeti-
cally, "I'm sorry for what hap-
pened. I never knew how you
felt. And I never knew Bob was
fooling me when he said he loved
Horace smiled, a feeling of res-
urrected power seeming to make
him a different person. He looked
at her squarely.
"Possession is nine-tenths," he
said. "But the one-tenth real love
is pretty important. But with-
out the nine-tenths, you're a
sucker. I think Bob has the right
dope. Give me a ring if you
want to neck sometime. So long."
And he walked into the night
for the third time, a wiser man.
Philips & Co.
THE HELL WITH VERIFI-
The Canna Cig rush captain
proffered a cigarette, then a light;
I informed him that the suction
was okay. He seemed slightly
taken aback, but in a minute or
two suggested that "we step in
here for a little talk." We sat
down on the bed.
"No," he said, in that peculiar
confidential tone assumed by all
rush captains the first two weeks
of September, "we don't have any
drinking here, there is absolutely
no licker in the house, and also
we are a very fine bunch of fel-
lows, and chee, guy, are we voi-
satile? And our house bill is al-
most the lowest on the campus."
I sized him up right away as
one of these fast boys, and pulled
my ace out of the hole: "By the
by," very casually, "can you tell
me my name right quick?"
A pause . .Another pause . .
"Hummm," he adds reflectively,
then: "Oh shuah, shuah, you're
Sluggy Allen from Brooklyn."
A sneer from me: "My name is
Patrick, I'm from Pittsburgh."
"Well, well," he came back,
real snappy, "you look just like
Slugsy, might be his twin. Yes
sir, might be his twin, just like
him. Never saw such a resem-
"Isn't Slugsy that horse-faced
boy with red hair that spilled the
preserves at the table?" That
from me, pursuing the issue.
"Yes, yes, come to think of it,
guess he is. Must be two other
fellows." slight laugh, very hol-
low indeed), but what I want to
say, old man, is this: our ideals
and standards are higher than
anyone's on the campus, and while
I won't knock anyone else, the
Gota Helta Stay boys really are
not quite the thing, the lousy
bunch of drunkards, though it's
not our policy to knock the other
guys. We take only the highest
quality men ,and we believe you
are one and want to honor you
with a bid. We've had mighty you." Dead silence. 'By the by,
high recommendations about what is your name?"
,, ,, , ,
Notice to Students!!
EVERY STUDENT operating an automobile within the
City of Columbia, Missouri, is required to purchase
a city automobile license.
DEADLINE on the sale of these licenses is SEPTEM-
FAILURE TO COMPLY with this ruling will subject
the automobile owner to a fine.
Licenses may be purchased at the City Collector's office,
LUCAS BROTHERS, Publishers
The Jacqueline Shop
A FROSH WRITES HOME
I'm finally pretty well settled here
at college, and I can tell you every-
thing here in this city is much differ-
ent from things back home. The peo-
ple are very nice here. I was only
here three days when one of the Fra-
ternities prepared a Farewell Dinner
for me. Back home we were used to
hearing all kinds of stories about the
shootings and hold-ups that were go-
ing on in this city, but it's not so bad.
I met a fellow here at school who was
born and raised in the city and he
swears he never killed anyone.
I like the town, but I can't get used
to the traffic system. They have a law
here which prohibits people from cross-
ing the street one a time. They make
everybody cross together. There's no
sense killing pople one by one; they
get it over in a bunch which saves
time and money. Especially nowadays
since they have invented free wheel-
ing and the four-wheel brake which
is a wonderful thing. Why you can
stop right on a person -you don't
have to roll over them at all. Next
year they are going to put the license
plates under the cars so that they will
be easier to see.
My room-mate and I bought a car
and it really is a swell job-a 1903
Ford. It runs great; you have to put
it in second to get it over the car
tracks. Only yesterday I came to a
street corner and the traffic lights
changed from green to yellow to red
and I stopped and the motor stopped
and I couldn't get it started again.
Then the lights changed back from
red to yellow to green and I still
couldn't get it started. After the lights
changed back three or four times, a
traffic cop came over to the car and
in a very pleasant voice that blew out
three of my tires asked me if I in-
tended to build on the spot. So I,
thinking fast, told him that I was
waiting for my favorite color.
Will you please send me five dol-
lars right away as the cop didn't like
my answer and they won't give me
back the car until I pay the fine.
Well, they're out of the way!
FEW people are callous or stupid enough
to say that war is actually a good or
But certain people have worked out the
theory that war exists to save the world
from overpopulation. Charming thought,
Let's see if the bookkeeping of the World
War bears it out. In the War, it cost $25,000
to kill one man. That's the official price tag
on each of those neat little white wooden
crosses that bloom where poppies used
Invested at a modest 5o%, $25,000 would
give a return of $1250 each year. The
average income, for the head of a family in
the United States, certainly isn't much over
$1000 a year. It's less in other countries.
So it seems the world got stucl. We paid
too high a price to get rid of those 17,000,-
000 men, who might have been "excess
population" to some, but not to the people
who loved them.
Another war threatens. $25,000 will seem
a bargain basement figure in comparison to
the cost of blowing a decent human to hell
in the coming war, and 17,000,000 dead
will be only a beginning.
But gruesome, sordid, horrible figures,
and deploring the monstrosity of the last
war will not stop the next. The only thing
that will stop it is concerted effort by all of
us. Any one who passively sits by is guilty of
helping make war possible. You must act!
What YOU can do about it-
World Peaceways is a non-profit agency
the purpose of which is to solidify the de-
sire most people have to abolish the whole
silly business of war.
We feel that intelligent efforts can and
must be made against war and toward a
secure peace. If you think so, too, we invite
you to write to World Peaceways, 103
Park Avenue, New York.