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Jayshow Number March, 1938 ; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1938

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Showme Jayshow Number 15 cents To Swing or Not to Swing March "Stupendous" Say critics as they bite into an ice cream bar after seeing pre- view of J. Show. "Colossal" is just as inadequate in describ- ing both the show and Cen- tral's sparkling orangeade. "Gigantic" treat . . . no matter how you feel you are sure to feel better after a glass of Central Choco- late milk, it's "Unequaled" for flavor and has that satisfy- ing tang. "Dynamic" is the word for the plot of the J. Show and Chorus . . . ah it's "Magnificent" just as refreshing as a glass of Golden Flake buttermilk the morning after. Don't Miss It You may have seen shows in the past but a REAL produc- tion is in store for when you see Always a HIT. . . JOURNALISM SHOW and CENTRAL DAIRY PRODUCTS Showme Show It's pretty obvious who the Phi Delts prefer when thirty of the forty dates at their last party came from the Pi Phi and Kappa houses . . . When it comes to dat- ing, D. G. JUANITA MAIRE gives a lot more than she gets . . . Pi Phi JOANNA MORGAN dug clams at Springdale after the 'Crumb" party which included lap sitting, glass throwing and other such "MINOR" sports . . . S.A.E. HENRY BUSHYHEAD finds his apartment fair happy hunting grounds . . . And then there's the story of REX TAYLOR, Sigma Nu who couldn't wait until 12 o'clock so he could take Kappa TANZEY home-and on the night of his party. Seems the Gamma Phis aren't saying too much about one of their sisters who got in at eight one morning from the Sigma Chi house . If STINKY DAVIS, Phi Delt thinks he is chumping off at the Pi Phi house, we won- der what he thinks he's doing at the Kappa House? . . . JAYNE SOLT wears Phi Delt JACK KINNISON'S picture in a locket given to her by JACK McCLOS- KY. . . . Number one cowhand of the junior class at the law barn, GEORGE W. WISE took a mental recess at the Dixie the other night. Said playster Wise, "I'm the one man in law school unafraid of Bull Overstreet.' We wonder. . . After a round-robin schedule in the Kappa house for the past three years, Kappa Sig prexy, Silent ALAN SEILER has settled his attentions on love- ly ANN SIMRALL, Kappa . . . K. A. PODY WHITEHEAD has discovered what Tri-Delt EDITH HARRIS has had on her mind all winter making one of the better stadium couples. . . . Very lush Pi Phi prexy, EVIE FORE- MAN is seen once again with Phi Delt PAUL VAN OSDOL now that Beta BOB McNAB is defi- nitely out of the running . . . We can't help but doubt the D. G.'s popularity when we see twelve of them window shopping of a Saturday night. . . O. D. McKASSON, Kappa Sig, drove down from Des Moines to see Kappa MARJORIE MANN about a date for the hard times party. Result, she went with JACK OLIVER. . . HELEN SEEVER, Alpha Gam, still wears Acacia WEISBECKER's ring- but her date to the dance was PERRY CUPPS, Rho boy . . . A.T.O. HARRY MISSILDINE bragged that he'd have nothing but the best, and he got it, right in the eye. . . . Looks like the bracelet Sig Alph HOGAN gave to Alpha Chi MARY K. LICH- TY was to smooth a troubled situation. . . . An omission in last month's issue of potential pin- nings is A. E. Phi WEEZIE FROUG and Zebe DON GAL- AMBA, he of Savitar fame . . . Seems that someone is getting a raw deal when Sigma Chi MACK DUDERSTADT, borrows his girl's car for a flying trip to K. C. to see another admirer. . . The private phone in Kappa Sig KEN TAYLOR'S room is for longer conversations with smooth De Gee pledge McFARLAND. . . . Very smooth and lovely Pi Phi, JOAN CARGILL continues to top the list of most desirables. Why JOE HOGSETT sulks in the house on the hill - too many engineers on the doorstep of Tri Delta's MARILYN BUES- CHER. . . SID GILLETTE, Delt and ALINE DAY have de- cided to steady it. . . . BILLIE FULTON, Alpha Gam and VIR- GIL BRAKEMEYER, Farm- house, are worried about the pic- ture someone took of them saying goodnight. . . . S.A.E. CHAMBERS thought he was going to get some place with "PEACHES" ROUND- TREE, D.G. after she gave Sigma Nu JOHNNY GARDNER the air, which was before Phi Gam BRYAN FINNIMORE stepped into the picture . Too bad Sig- ma Chi MIKE DIRICKSON has his apartment all to himself this year-well, almost to him- self. . . We vote ROGER STRAUS to oblivion. . . . Week- ends in the Ozarks don't make news anymore. . . . DICK AIKEN, Beta hermit likes the likes of SUE DAVIS, Theta but so far has failed to let her in on the secret. . . . Phi Gam JACK RACKEY was seen shop- ping for a dime store diamond for a Stephens lassie. . . . Alpha Chi FANCHON BARBEE has (Continued on Page 19) page one Top Row: BILL STONE, Lead; KATHERINE SMITH, Lead; JOHNNY REICK, Band Leader. Second Row: BETTY OHNEMUS, Cast; FRED CARL, Chairman Jay Show Commission; VIRGINIA WOLK, Cast. Bottom Row: VICTOR TAKE, Cast; JOAN HOWE, Play Director; RANDALL DECKER, Cast. ... SOUVENIR PROGRAM. "To Swing or Not to swing" MARCH 16, 17 ---------------------------JESSE AUDITORIUM Journalism Show---1938 Edition Schedule of Performances-Wednesday 8:30 p. m. Thursday 3:15 p. m.-8:15 p. m. PROLOGUE ACT I-In the producer's office. Act II-The rehearsal stage. THE CAST: Max Feinbart --. ---. ---.- .-Victor Take Earl Caraway .--.Randall Decker Sally Barton .--- ------.Virginia Wolk Tommy .--- .-------.Harrison Norton Clayton Holmes .----------.------.- Bill Stone Mrs. Taylor-Beaumont .Betty Ohnemus Phyllis Taylor-Beaumont --.-.Katherine Smith Joe Clink .---.-- Richard Timmis Marco McGillicuddy .-.Martin Umansky Blake .--------. --. --. -- Joe Mitchell Mrs. Blake .--.-.---- Lucille Miller Pierre De Fromage .--.----.Charles Newton TAP CHORUS: Jane Force Mary O'Connor Ruth Shifflin Marie Hansen Helen Stigall Felicia Hochman Elizabeth Nye Mary Ellen Dacy Mary Griffith Micrene Rebbe BALLET CHORUS: Lorraine Elswick Jeanne Ann Lambert Jane Ann Williams Mary O'Connor SPECIALTY NUMBERS: Instrumental Quartet-Jim Stokes, John Birke, Conrad Squires, Foster Brown Dance .-.------- - Norman Perlstein Piano .---------.-- .--- Joe Raymond Song .---.---.---- Martha Green Comic .-------.------. .Joe Jones Dance .-.-- Lucille Miller and Joe Mitchell DIRECTORS: Show . --------. --.Joan Howe M usic .------. ------. .Jack Beck Dance .------.---. . Mrs. Max Patrick TECHNICIAN .-.--.--------. -----. Ivan Sullivan BAND .-------------.-.--.Johnny Reick MAKEUP .-. .-- .Louise Mairs MUSICAL SCORE AND LYRICS: Jack Beck Dorothy Richards Mickey Sharp Robert Le Moine Matt Kenney Robert Lindley Gladys La Vance ARRANGEMENTS ------.----.Worth Lindley AUTHORS: Merrill Panitt Richard Amper Robert Duncan Beryl Rubenstein JOURNALISM SHOW COMMISSION: Chairman -.--- .--. . Fred Carl Promotion ------.-.--.-- .---- Robert Lando Publicity .---.-.-. .-.Hugh Wylie Missourian Supplement .----.Vaughn Bryant Tickets .--.---.--------- Ruth Kinyon Costumes .-.Avis Lee McElvany Properties .---------. Maryellen Reyburn page three Skets and Skitches from the "J" Show by Barbara Holliday PROLOGUE Hamlet turned over in his grave and moaned, "They can't do this to me. I'll swing before I'll let them throw out my soliloquy." Fred Carl, decked out in slacks and bedroom slippers, moved closer to the table in Springdale Gardens and hacked another line out of the script. "You're getting reckless there, old man," said Beck, who was sit- ting in the corner with pieces of his pajamas peering out from be- neath his clothes. "Reckless, huh! It's the last time you swing me out in the middle of the night to swing over a script." "The show's got you, lad! Youve got to swing!" - ACT 1 Two doleful creatures walked down the room. "How's the script coming?" "Terrible. Can't get a thought." Vic Take smiled consolingly at Randy Decker. "Take this. It's the classic touch you need. Hark! Lipstick is made out of beetles." "Vic, you're wonderful! I see it now. Girls, millions of girls, dressed in beetle's wings!' Vic snickered. "Randy, how careless of you." "Huh?" "Beetles don't have wings." (If any resemblance to actual people, think nothing of it. You'll see them in the "J" Show.) ACT II Bill Stone was thinking. Some- one said, "Can you take care of your bylines for this script?" He blinked, sighed, looked back at Virginia Wolk and Katherine Smith, crooned happily, "Yes, I can take care of all my bylines. ACT II (continued) This can't go on forever. But there are certain spots in the big 1938 Journalism show, "To Swing page four or Not To Swing,' which are very super-special. Virginia Wolk and Dick Tim- mis put their conspiring heads together and brought out a dance which we bet a pink-tinted ele- phant you never saw before. Take a rhumba, take a tango, take the "Big Apple," and a few snappy tap routines, throw them togeth- er and maybe you'll get what Wolk and Timmis got. One way or the other it's "Swing" with a capital S. Then there's a voice which comes straight "out of the blues" belonging to Martha Green. We can't decide whether it's the light- ing, the atmosphere, the song or the voice but it's touching, "frans," and good! You've seen ballet and more ballet, but when you see Joe Jones in a ballet, that's news. Rather than reveal the gruesome details we change stages and catch a glimpse of an undulating quiver which is-just a minute, it's slowing down-it's Norman Perlstein! The way he goes in and out of spins, shuffles, jigs and smoother rat-a-tats is better than the latest Fred Astaire nip-up. The instrumental quartet has one of the smoothest arrange- ments of "Twilight in Turkey" we've heard, but one says that's only half the story. Meanwhile the girls in the chorus are hitting away with a wicked heel and toe that bodes no good for the non- swing ballet dancers. But then "To Swing or Not to Swing," that is the question. FINALE Silence fell. Vic Take gasped, "Ohny, marry me. Take-me !" Betty Ohnemus smiled. "Vic, what a cute pun. Take-me. Or is it?" Vic swung his hands through his hair and shouted, "Well, will you or won't you?" Ohnemus ignored him. "Take -me." "Vic, a man to see you." Har- rison Norton bowed in and bowed out. "Umonsky, come in, come in." Ohnemus, in the corner, mut- tered, "Take-me. Hm-m-m." 'I beg your pardon, lady," Mar- tin Umansky looked startled. "It's nothing, nothing at all," murmured Viv. "But if I hear that once more-oh well, what are you selling today?" "A new book called "Take Me." QUICK CURTAIN Back again to say that Charles Newton goes temperamental in a new rhythm. And Joe Mitchell and Lucille Miller have a clever routine that swings 'em on and off again. The grand finale whips the foam off the glass in one of the wildest, swingiest, loop-the-loop nip-ups seen yet on this old cam- pus. And if the lines of dialogue above (not from the show by the way) do not fit the characters it's because the lines are too mild. "To Swing or Not to Swing" is. the biggest question of the year and the biggest show. FACING PAGE At top-Mrs. Patrick, Show Dance Director, explains some of the finer points of a dance routine to the chorus. Center left-Jack Beck, Musical Di- rector. Center-Felicia Hochman, who does a tap specialty and leads the Show Chorus. Center right-Mrs. Pat- rick. At bottom-Jeanne Ann Lambert practicing for her too dance specialty,. one of the Show's main attractions. NEXT PAGE Upper left-Fred Carl, Show Director,. looks over some of the cast. Upper right-Chorus does a little toe work on the ceiling. Lower left-The Show Commission maps out "To Swing or Not to Swing." Lower right-Martha Greene, a featured singer in the show. Old Gold Cigarettes Prince Albert Tobacco IGNORED INVITATIONS "The Board of Directors, Executive Committee and Officers of The Inter- national Investment Trust Syndicate Corporation take great pleasure in advising you that the privilege of sub- scribing for twenty shares of common stock is hereby offered you. This op- portunity is only being presented to selected prominent citizens of the city, and before reserving this stock for you we satisfied ourselves that your standing in the community is very high. The implied honor is, of course, evident to you. The attached subscription blank, accompanied by a certified check for five thousand dollars will indicate your acceptance of this personal invitation." 0 Darling, I'm sure that you are only pretending To love me. I'm sure that you really don't care; You're acting so sweet that it's hard to convince me You're not getting ready to give me the air. A man from Kansas was looking into the depths of the Grand Canyon. "Do you know," said the guide, "it took millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?" The man from Kansas was tremen- dously impressed. "You don't tell me!" he comment- ed. "Why, I didn't know this was a government job." "Here's a man trades his wife for a 1936 model car. What do you think of that?" "I hardly know. What model was she?" Miss Elder: I will bet you anything you like that I will never marry. Mr. Easy: I'll take you. Miss Elder (rapturously): Will you, really? "Look here, waiter, is this peach or apple pie?" "Can't you tell from the taste?" "No, I can't." "Well, then, what difference does it make?" * A doctor in our town thought he had completely cured a bad mental case when the fellow suddenly in- sisted on paying his bill in full. 0 Teacher: Every one of God's crea- tures is here for a useful purpose. Now what do we learn from the mos- quito, Jimmie. Jimmie: We learn from the mos- quito how easy it is to get stung. * Do you remember 'way back when the college graduate was afraid his old man would put him right to work? Books U. S. A. John Dos Passos Unquestionably one of the most significant events in mod- ern American literature occur- red when Harcourt, Brace and Company published three old works in a new form-U. S. A.- a compendium of John Dos Pas- sos' THE 42ND PARALLEL, 1919, and THE BIG MONEY. All these books have been pub- lished since 1930, when the first of them, THE 42ND PARAL- LEL, came off the presses to startle the reading public. Since then he has written 1919 and THE BIG MONEY-the last named of which was published just last year. U. S. A. was written carefully from the first word in THE 42ND PARALLEL to the last in THE BIG MONEY with a single idea in mind-that of putting together a triology with a sweeping pic- ture of 20th century America. And we would be presumptuous to say that he has not succeeded. He has not, at least not wholly, but where he succeeds he does so in the grand manner, and where he fails he fails similarly. Each of these three novels is a story in itself-each is a carefully chiseled-out description of the age and selected people who lived during the age. Those who have read one or more of these books are already familiar with the mechanical de- vices-News Reel's and Camera Eye's-which Dos Passos uses to give a sweeping background on which to brush his characters. His portraiture of Eugene V. Debs is sympathetic, for Passos is socially conscious-his sketch of Meester Veelson, (President Wilson) sorrows for an imprac- tical idealist who was ravished in the bawdy house of the Peace Conference-J. Ward Morehouse, a picture of one of the big public relations counsels (press agents) of the day is subtly ironic-and Passos is particularly good in catching the nervous neurotic women who serve as companion pieces to the characters that march through this contempor- ary history. Many people do not like Dos Passos-they accuse him of being out of sympathy with his charac- ters-but he saw his job as an historian, an historian of a new type-and he put his heart and mind into his work to evolve something new and startling. -H. H. S. BOW DOWN TO WOOD AND STONE By Josephine Lawrence "But if she had it gladly, why should she seek to exact pay- ment?" Thus speaks Josephine Lawrence through the medium of Hugh Kent, the most sane char- acter in her new book, BOW DOWN TO WOOD AND STONE. This is her first book since IF I HAD FOUR AP- *-------- Books Reviewed Through the Courtesy of The Missouri Store. ----- PLES. The three Field sisters, Brosia, Senneth, and Gillian, each "sacrificed their lives" to either persons or things, and Miss Law- rence takes over three hundred pages to protest vigorously against useless self sacrifice. Senneth fought her desire for a second marriage by insisting to herself that "her children came first." She developed a neurotic maternal complex that drove her frustrated, angry children from her, and then spent the rest of her life trying to creep again within their affections. Brosia sacrified her life that her doctor-husband, Hugh Kent, should make progress in his pro- fession. To this end she forced him into a town practice when he felt at home only in the country. She told herself that she was maintaining a beautiful soul through keeping her beautiful house, and Brosia was puzzled and irritated when, after twenty- five years of marriage, her hus- band's successful suit for divorce left him a happy man. Gillian sacrified herself to her job. Her head, with the long, un- tidy hair, which she would never have cut, bent over the same desk in the same office for over thirty years. She felt no wish to im- prove her lot; she found com- placency in feeling that in allow- ing her distant cousins to drain strength, she was assuring her- self a box seat in Heaven. She found instead a drab existence in a dank and smelly boarding house. -J. R. M. page Inine Editorial Ego A thought! Why not organize an athletic league from sundry talent in the various campus pub- lications? The church student as- sociations have done it; so have the independents. To say nothing of the fraternities and sororities! The recent Missouri Student- Savitar basketball fracas was a friendly gesture in that direction, think we. Certainly the Sham- rock and College Farmer can boast of scriveners with as much athletic prowess as the Mighty Fuqua or Biglittleman Wylie pos- sess. As far as Showme is con- cerned, our quiet dignity is not above a little "clean" sport. With a little subsidization, were ready to take all comers-even those Savitar trilobites -and Student paramecia. Softball looms on the imme- diate horizon. And volleyball. Horseshoes? Yes, if you exclude the College Farmer boys. Pub- lications' Athletic League. PAL. Sounds rather cozy and sweet, doesn't it? Say, that's a thought! Last issue in this column, SHOWME invited contributions from anyone on the three cam- puses in Columbia to submit ar- ticles, snapshots, cartoons, etc., and to slip same under the office door if they were too timid to bring them on in. The result was encouraging. Far from being timid, new contributors came through in fine fashion and much of the material in this issue is their work. The policy of giving SHOWME back to the students instead of using it for experimen- tal purposes is working out far better than expected and it will be continued through the remain- der of the school year. To repeat, all contributions welcome. MISSOURI SHOWME "A Reflection on Modern Campus Thought" ROOM 13, WALTER WILLIAMS HALL George J. Schulte, Jr., Business Mgr. EDITORIAL BOARD Tohn Paul Hunt, Chairman Tom Aden, Jr. Richard Gorton George J. Schulte ART STAFF Marvin Sykes Murray Amper GOSSIP ? ? ? ? FEATURES Lucile Gupton Bob Duncan Marilyn Bristow Harriet Judge Ruth Regenery Ed Conklin Jeanne Chappel Fred Haines Jack Hosford Bill Dempsey Dick Timmis Phil Dessauer Louise Boyd Lois Evans Harvey Klein Bob Symmonds Ruth Kinyon PHOTOGRAPHY Joe Raymond Mickey Sharp Edd Roundtree Ed Conklin BOOKS Harold Sours Janet Mellon MUSIC Eldon Jones Jack Beck SECRETARIAL Louise Boyd Bill Taft STEPHENS COLLEGE CONTRIBUTORS Winla Racine Anne iMarcotte Pat Rothinghouse Lucile Gupton Anne Hurd Janet Mellon BUSINESS STAFF ADVERTISING Morris Penner, Advertising Manager Louise Boyd Margie Berry Alex Cohen Ruth Kinyon Esther Schaeffer PROMOTION Dean McKenna, Promotion Manager Betty Jaque Smith Randall Decker Jean Tyler Mary Ann Bovard Virginia Lee Wade Sherwin Garside Stephens College Representative Pat Rothinghouse Christian College Representative Cleon Barnes CIRCULATION Tom Aden, Jr. Bob Carver EXCHANGE Sherwin Garside Louise Boyd SHOWME gets out of the rut this time, casts off much of the old style, adds a picture spread or three, and dolls up to appeal more convincingly to student favor. This month we offer shots on a wide variety of subjects, some of them mounted on a back- ground which does much to add to the issue's attractiveness. We must add here that our editorial thanks goes to Anne Fuqua and Bob Glenn, Savitar Bigwigs who assisted SHOWME in getting suitable shots for the picture spreads. SHOWME scoops every other campus publication-as well a LIFE and the picture services- in presenting the first "different" picture of the Columns since the Jayschool Lions began their eter- nal search. We thought the picture was a lie, too, until Joe Raymond told us how he snapped this, the most historic picture since the Hinden- burg disaster. From Jesse he carried a bucket of water and enlarged a small puddle on the walk. Getting down close to the water, he took a time exposure of the scene. So cheer up, R. O. T. C. 'ers, you will get to have parades, de- spite the flooded appearance of the Quadrangle. Spring will blossom forth in the next issue of this renovated humor magazine. Spring fash- ions, advice to the ladies, how to drink Bock Beer, and how to make an E in Medieval Church- all will be included. It will con- tinue to cover the three campuses like a blanket. MARCH, 1938 VOL. VII, NO. 7 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1937 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Per- mission given all recognized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor, Editorial and Busi- ness offices, Room 13, Walter Williams Hall; office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for un- solicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. page ten THIS IS MY STORY by ROSIE VELTSKY I came from a large family Mama couldn't count and before she'd finished her correspond- ence course Papa had to build another wing on the house As the eldest I was sent to college All the other children were quite normal So I arrived at dear old Pen- wood with my future and a black umbrella in my hands That was the last I saw of myself It was rush week and sorority girls were standing three deep at the sta- tion Seventeen rushed me got sam- ples of my clothing opened my bags to borrow what they wanted and left me with dozens of tele- phone numbers and dinner invita- tions written on the hem of my petticoat I never wore a petticoat again Gave it to the museum of unnatural history Before we left the depot the station-master had been rushed hazed and pledged to Eta Epsom Salts There was scarcely standing room on campus The bands were out the football teams were out the track teams debating teams frat men and coeds knees The fac- ulty had just been let out to teach I registered in four buildings be- fore I found the right one Later discovered I had registered for an Ag course signed a petition to oust the dean joined the organ- ization for free love and pledged money for a new library Oh it was wonderful I was wedged in between companion- ship and .fellowship like an olive at an eight course dinner In two weeks I was revamped refinished and pledged to the Sigma Phi Nothings Me whose individuality had stuck out like papa's ears Me the pride of Oskalusa High School The contradictorian The President of the Pep Club Ach And so I moved into the Sigma Phi house with its gorgeous mort- gaged parlors and baby grand piano Moved into the upstairs with its twenty telephones and ten beds They even admitted the house was a bit too full that year So I lived with three others in the linen closet and we studied in the telephone booth * "So I arrived at dear old Pen- wood with my future and a black umbrella in my hands." Classes were so crowded that most of my professors sat on dic- tionary stands to leave more floor space I sat on the basketball center's lap first semester until a red-head edged me off At first we all took quizzes on separate sheets of paper but it didn't prove practical The an- swers all came in the same any- way So the professor just gave the class one sheet and we took turns filling it out It never did get to the students in the back of the room and I've heard many of them say they'll always regret that they never learned to write in college That was the year my sorority sisters bribed the fraternities into putting me up for Student Coun- cil I had good ideas though Ev- eryone said so We put alarm clocks in every lecture hall so the students would get to their next classes on time and did a lot to improve library conditions Sometimes the congestion was so great in the encyclopedia sec- tion that students camped in the periodical department for two days So we installed a hot dog stand in front of the biography shelves and gave away one Com- plete Works of William Shake- speare with every cup of coffee Cleared out the History of the Civil War section to put up a shooting gallery Experience is the best teacher anyhow But the extra-curricular activ- ities were where we really got together to show school spirit Never will forget those football games They always used a snow plow before the game to clear the stacks of racoon coats but no- body complained as long as the drinks were good We were awfully proud of our Penwood fans They could out- hiss any student body in the state The team was remarkable too All nice boys Five of them can still be found in freshman English They not only haven't learned anything but don't even suspect anything Will always remember that tense moment in one game when our captain had fumbled his brass knuckles and the team had only three footballs tucked under their sweaters And how the crowd did cheer when the water- boy finally made the touchdown Few of us went to convocations They were too deserted and quiet Finally couldn't stand any vaca- tions at home either Only had my five sisters seven brothers and Mama and Papa for company (Continued on Page 25) * All References to Persons Living or in College are Purely Intentional. page eleven Showme Movies HEROES, HAMLET, AND HILARITY A YANK AT OXFORD Replete with action, laughs and fine characterization, A YANK AT OXFORD offers Robert Taylor his most convincing role to date. This is the studio's first British-made production. In fact, the authenticity of the background and atmosphere of the picture proves that only in a British setting could it have been so successfully evolved. In presenting Taylor in the title role as the cocky all-star athlete who comes to Oxford to "teach the natives" and himself learns plenty in return, A YANK AT OXFORD affords the star his greatest opportunity to demon- strate his athletic ability, his flair for comedy and his ability to han- dle genuinely dramatic scenes. Lionel Barrymore, as Taylor's father, and Maureen O'Sullivan, as the English undergraduate whom the hero meets at Oxford, lend their accustomed polished performances, while in the Brit- ish players who also have leading roles, audiences may note at least one potential stellar "find" of tomorrow. ROMANCE IN THE DARK Hamlet is now Hollywood's ranking comedian! It's madcap John Barrymore, who won his greatest fame in the theatre playing the role of Shake- speare's melancholy Dane and is now, due to his performance as the pixilated inebriate of TRUE CONFESSION, one of the most sought after laugh-pullers in the motion pictures. He has another of these comic roles with Gladys Swarthout and John Boles in ROMANCE IN THE DARK. As the Don Juan theatrical pro- ducer, whose chief diversion lies in snaking Boles' women away from him, Barrymore furnishes the comedy in this romance of stage life in sophisticated Bud- apest. His success at this game becomes so provoking that Boles palms off his housemaid, Miss Swarthout, as a glamorous Per- sian princess, in order to keep Barrymore occupied and to have a countess, played by beautiful Claire Dodd, all to himself. MERRILY WE LIVE Few comedies maintain the dizzy pace set in this picture, di- rected by Norman McLeod, or have the ability of creating such continuous laughter as evoked by its co-stars. Miss Bennett interprets the role of the petted darling of the Kil- bourne household with commend- able skill, making the debutante both amusing in her wise-crack- ing and tempestuous outbursts and appealing in her search for romance. Aherne is excellently cast as the mysterious hobo who appears one morning at the Kil- bournes' door and later becomes their chauffeur and more start- ling, their dinner guest. Delightful, too, are the scenes in which Billie Burke appears. Her role, that of an absent-mind- ed philanthropist whose mission is to rehabilitate hoboes ,is almost tailor-made for Miss Burke's com- edy talents. Alan Mowbray, Pat- sy Kelly and Bonita Granville are others who keep mirth in the fore- ground and the plot moving briskly with their antics. in the * America's * World's * Greatest College Theatre Best * Stars Company Pictures MISSOURI HALL VARSITY page twelve CONFESSIONS OF A PRESS AGENT THE room was full of smoke. The gentleman of the press pressed a little closer about Oscar Krantz, press agent supreme. "Now, I ask you," says Oscar, "was that a fair deal? I was good enough for that ham actor, Bruce Martin, up until the time I made him in the movies, but the moment he gets plas- tered-I mean his feet plastered out- side Grauman's Chinese Theatre, he gives me the air. If I was a different sort I could give you guys a real story, but Oscar Krantz bears no grudges. 'Live and let live,' that's my motto. Oh, you only want the good facts. Well, that means this interview is over; there ain't anything good to say about that ham-and why a pig should have to suffer being connected with him is also beyond me. Sure I'll answer your questions. "When did I meet him? I met him ten years ago. He was down and out. In fact, if he'd have worn a carnation, he would have looked like a well- kept grave. Did he have any talent? Talent? Say don't make me laugh, or I'll split my lip. The only parts I could get him were dumb parts and that was because producers were cast- ing to type. He went over pretty big during the hot summer months - he always left the audience cold. "Things went from bad to worse and every time I tried to sell him to the public, I felt like a confidence man that just sold his grandmother some worthless stock on money she got by mortgag- ing the old homestead. I finally got him a part in a Little Theatre play, and when I say little theatre, I mean little theatre. They called the place the Garbo Playhouse because it was only a couple of feet. The show only ran two nights - well it really isn't right to call that a run - it was more like a hundred yard dash. The reason the producer closed the play so quickly was that he was afraid the cast might become lonesome. He was also afraid that if the leading lady's mother sat by herself much longer, she might be- come a hermit. It's a lucky thing the play wasn't raided, or the doorman might have been locked up for loiter- ing. Oh, Bruce? He went over big un- ti he got temperamental, and held the show up two hours by tossing his teeth out the window. What a job we had finding them. The play was so bad in that theatre that an efficiency expert, after witnessing a perform- ance, suggested that if the owner wanted to make money (without encroaching upon the field of coun- terfeit- ing) he should let the custom- ers in free and charge them to get out. The earlier they left the more they would have to pay. "Then I decided Bruce might be suited for night club work. It wasn't long before I convinced an unsus- pecting manager that Bruce had a voice. I told him Bruce sang for char- ity-and heaven knows, he needed it. It was supposed to be a pretty high class night club, although I must ad- mit that it's the first time I'd ever seen a doorman outside of a sewer. There were three waiters to every ta- ble in the place. One gave you the check and the other two revived you. The entertainment consisted of the largest midget in the world, a fellow about six feet two, and Bruce. After Bruce sang his first song, a man at a rear table presented him with a gold- headed cane-right across the head. I always did tell Bruce he should have taken up the saxaphone instead of the piano-it would have been much easier to play in the street. "And then I decided that I had spared Hollywood long enough. If Charlie McCarthy could get along, Bruce, I fig- ured, should be a natural. He had the same line as Charlie, and what's more, he didn't need anyone to work him. I talked Metro - Warner into giving him a screen test, and no sooner than they had looked at the test, they of- fered him a twenty minute contract with ten minute op- tions. He was given a part of a villain in his first picture. The leading lady in the pic- ture divorces her husband and wins the custody of her parents. At the end of the picture, the heroine died, and Bruce had to go back to his wife. Talk about 'Quickies'-it seemed as if they made that one during a spare lunch hour. They billed Bruce as the mys- tery man-the only mystery about it was what he was doing in the picture. "Then came his big break. Metro- Warner couldn't decide between Rob- ert Taylor and Bruce for the leading role in their planned spectacle, so they decided to have them flip a coin for the major role. Bruce won the toss-so they flipped again. "And then came the picture that made him and so he bounced me out on my neck. Is that justice? "What do I think of his latest pic- ture? Say, I saw it yesterday and someone dropped a stench bomb in the theatre, and no one noticed it un- til the picture was over. At least, when he was an amateur, he was a good-for-nothing. "But get this, boys. Oscar Krantz bears no one any grudge. I wish him the best of luck, but if I wanted to talk, could I give you a story!" ALCATREZ ISLAND Warden (entering into cell block) : Gentlemen, I've got a complaint to make against you. Where is Boss McGuire? McGuire: Right here, Louie, old Kid. And you gotta noive busting in here wid complaints. We gotta few things to yell about, too. Well, spill wat's eatin' yer. Warden: In the first place, don't call me Louie here. Why did you slug that guard? McGuire: He's an officer of the law, ain't he? Warden: Yes, he is. McGuire: If he's a bull, then he's a public servant? Warden: Yes, he is a public servant. McGuire: Well, if he's a public serv- ant, he shoulda brung me de glass awater when I ast him for it. Warden: Do you mean to tell me he refused? I'm going over to the hos- pital and bawl him out. I don't blame you a bit for slugging him. McGuire: He ain't in de hospital. He's in Cell 13. There ain't no more room in the hospital. Warden: No more room in the hos- pital? McGuire: No, we boys sleep there. You know de beds are softer and anyway, the ventilation here ain't so good. Warden: I only put two in a cell. McGuire: Yeah, but our pets take up de room. Warden: One thing more, boys, about your wives and sweethearts: I don't mind them week-ending here, but, Gentlemen, please be reason- able. It's impossible for me to ar- range suites for them. Also, no more suicides in here or there'll be no more guns. McGuire: Talking about rods, that last bunch weren't union made. Dey had no union label on them. Warden: But they're $2 less on the dozen. McGuire: Listen, Louie, I'm shocked by your selfish actions. In times like dese, we gotta woik as a group and pull togeder. If the next bunch ain't got no union stamp on dem, I write Roosevelt, and a carbon copy goes to Johnny Lewis. Do youse want this joint picketed by the C.I.O.? Warden: I suppose you're right. Now, what's on your mind? McGuire: We, me and the boys, we don't wanna eat fried chicken every day. Warden: But, I eat it every day. McGuire: So what! You're only de Warden, Louie. Warden: I'm sorry if I caused you an inconvenience, Mr. McGuire. McGuire: It's O.K., Louie. But be- fore you go, I'd like to remind you that I'm checking up on you. Warden: Checking up on me? McGuire: Yep. You ain't giving the leaving boarders the full discharge money. Warden: How dare you? McGuire: Listen, Louie, you've been gyping them right along and you ain't got no right to give them a cut. I don't mind a little graft now and then, but honesty is honesty, and you gotta be honest, or I get half. and if things ain't got union labels on 'em in de future. * "Who's the wise guy at 926 that ordered this ton of coal?" Chesterfield Cigarettes Sir Walter Raleigh Tobacco "DOING THE PROM" As soon as the date for the Prom has been made definite, there arises the necessity of choosing chaperones so that the fair name of our school may not be blemished. Not that the students attending will do anything unethical, even when unwatched, but public opinion demands supervision, and to convention everyone bows. These chaperones are memberss of the faculty, and are not really chap- erones, for their invitations definitely state that they are invited guests. But unfortunately the guests (remember, not chaperones) selected, are invari- ably unable to attend at the last min- ute. During the prom, the escorts dance with the girls they brought when they can get them away from those who crashed or came in on comps. Other- wise they listen to some official tell them what a wonderful time they are having. At the half-hour rest period, between five-minute medleys by the band, the various swains unsuccess- fully attempt to get within ten feet of the punch bowl. Experienced prom- goers drink their punch during one of the dances and spend the half-hour on-the-make for their friend's girl. The Prom winds up at two when the band plays "Home Sweet Home." At that moment, all the couples who have been resting on the side lines, decide that they just feel like dancing and importune the band for a few more numbers. The leader has been expecting this, and has left one num- ber out. While he is playing this num- ber, a confederate comes and takes the rest of the music away, so fur- ther entreaties unfortunately cannot be fulfilled. To end the evening properly, couples go to various small places, where the most delightful dishes are served at the most surprising prices (shocking may be substituted for the word surprising). Then there is some more dancing. After this, everyone goes home agreeing that he had a wonderful time. But no one ever asks "why?" * An after dinner speaker is a fellow who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of jokes he doesn't remember to a group of people who have already heard them. Did you ever stop to think, That if you should stop to think That you would get run over? * Three freshmen visited a bar. "I'll have a Coca-Cola," said the first. The bartender turned to the second one. "I'll have an orangeade," was the order. The bartender turned to the third-who said: "And I'll just have a glass of water. You see, I'm driv- ing." * In China the people have the right idea. They sit on the floor at the be- ginning of a party instead of near the end. Patient: But how can I get rid of that constant ringing in my ears? Doctor: Why don't you pay cash for what you buy! * "Did you hear about the Scot who suddenly went blind?" "No, what about him?" "He had the electricity taken out the next day." Salvation Nell: Do you want to join the Salvation Army? Drunk: Who are they fighting? * She has a queer way of getting even with the telephone company. She uses my car to knock down their poles. Mizzou Males---Phooey! by Christine Stephens Living with a bunch of women may be a thrill for the Sultan- but it's no thrill for a Sultana! The only place more maleless than a girls' school is the Dionne quintuplets' nursery. See girls in classes; girls at dinner; girls at the movies; and sleep with a bak- er's dozen! Didn't know people wore any- thing but skirts until somebody sent me an Esquire. Then, one day, I thought I saw a man. Wasn't sure because he didn't have a secretary on his knee. Circled him warily a few times. He was wearing trousers like I had seen in a men's clothing store when my chaperon took me by! Was convinced! Touched him. It was a man-but he got away! Discovered there are three va- rieties of the species in town- corner-standers, car-wavers, and jelly-twerps. None of them have a movie mag face or a Kenny Baker voice. Decided I have been aiming too high. Came down to angora sweaters, big ears, and Rudy Vallee glances. Sort of an orientation to reality that we girls go through! At last one condescended to shuffle off his street corner and drop a few gems of nasal twang calculated to thrill any female above the age of six. He got my telephone number before I recov- ered-from the shock. Dashed back to my embryonic Ladies Aid where glances don't make me feel like I've got a mole on my floating ribs, at least! Re- solved never to go downtown again without a tin overcoat. Took three showers a day for a week. Finally did get a phone call! Wasn't room for me and the bath towel in the telephone booth, so I gave the bath towel to a guest in the parlor. A man's voice! Didn't know him but he told me that was my hard luck. Just wanted to ask about several girls in the dorm. Asked if it were true that Hor- tense had inherited a hundred thousand dollars last month, which girls came back with fur coats at Christmas time, and if there was anyone around here who believed in free love! Told him this may be a date bureau but it wasn't an invest- ment company and he'd better pay up his life insurance before he asked me for information again! Was ready to hang up when he said I'd lose money if I cut the call short-he'd charged it to me! But I got even! Gave him the name of a goon who still wears high-laced shoes and petticoats. Her father makes scads of money working the numbers' racket. She believes in free love-but she's muscle-bound! Hope she catches him! Just stepped back into the shower when Romeo called. Drip- ped through the parlor again to hear that beloved nasal twang announce that it had twenty cents and would I like to go on a date? Told him yes, if I wouldn't be a drain on his time and money! Wore my best clothes for the date. Was entirely without B.O., hally, pink toothbrush, and cos- metic skin-according to the ads. Had a million-dollar smile, was emanating personality, and came out P.D.Q. when he called for me! House mother pointed out the object leaning against the book- case with its hands in its pockets. (Continued on Page 26) * THE BIG APPLE page seventeen WATCH YOUR I. Q. or Button, Button, Whose Got the Answer BY PHIL DESSAUER In the good old days things weren't so bad. Men were men, and women hadn't changed much either. Those were the days when you could ride your bike to school and carry your books, your lunch and your girl with you. Today you take a cab-and leave your books and lunch at home. Those were the days when a lad at college let his parents have at least half the family income. Today his parents are living with their parents. Those were the days of surplus profits. Today is the day of the surplus profits tax. In a word, those were the days of no intelligence tests. You know what an intelligence test is. One of those printed prod- ucts that say, "Apple is to worm as Mahatma Kandhi is to: dough- nut, Mutiny on the Bounty, bot- any lab, nickel cigar, or soda- jerker. You tell the answer, and the grader marks it wrong. There are always two sets of answers. Yours and the grader's. The three human forms of low- est mentality used to be the mor- on, imbecile and idiot, grading down in that order. But now the idiot has given way. He's an in- tellectual Atlas compared to the guys who draw up intelligence tests. They think packing the Supreme Court has something to do with cardboard boxes. Anyway, the occasion for this crusade is that after this para- graph you will be inside the lat- est edition of these mental jig- saw puzzles. While you - are page eighteen working on it, concentrate in- tensely on what that radio or- chestra is playing, and glance across the table every once in a while to see if your partner is making that grand slam. This is a supreme effort at the Intelli- gence Test to End Intelligence Tests. Get ready! Get set! Er- hold it just a second. The watch stopped. . Now! Remember, you have only three days to work on this! Ready, now! GO! ! ! Department of Current Events and Miscellaneous Orange Peels Directions: Break off your pen- cil point and empty your fountain pen. You have to work this test in your head. And don't forget to pray, mister. 1. A crisis in European politics recently occurred when: a. The Czechoslovakian for- eign minister's wife had triplets. b. A Russian diplomat nam- ed Ivor E. Zoapp slept for five days and nights with- out getting up even for vodka or the Kraft Music Hall. c. A German inventor found a new way to pour cream on breakfast cereal with- out getting the cereal wet. 2. Second-hand stock market ticker-tape is used as: a. Music for player pianos. b. New Year's Eve con- fetti. c. Copy for college humor magazines. 3. The Duke of Windsor mar- ried Mrs. Simpson for the following reason: a. Pappy had a machine gun. b. He felt sorry for his brother. c. She bought the license. 4. The hardest school in this university: a. The school of medicine. b. The school of law. c. The school of engineering. d. The school of journalism. e. Well, what school ARE you in, then? 5. Sinclair Lewis is noted for: a. His new Olympic pole vault record. b. Being the brother of John L. Lewis. c. Having written "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen." 6. Adolf Hitler's greatest am- bition is to: a. Get a baseball autograph- ed by Lou Gehrig or win the Irish Sweepstakes. b. Bring "It Happened One Night" back to Berlin for a second run showing. c. Unite the German people so he can have ice skat- ers for a full hockey team. 7. The new bridge deck, con- sisting of 65 cards and five suits, is expected to: a. Eliminate kibitzers by making them either take a hand or shut up. b. S t i m u 1 a te refrigerator sales in 1939. c. Make everybody stick to pinochle. 8. Kurt von Schusnigg is: a. A female impersonator scheduled to appear at the Varsity theater next Sat- urday night. b. One of the seven dwarfs. c. The F.B.I., a gent who arrested Jack Benny for 1934 income tax deficien- cy. 9. There is a split in the Demo- cratic party because: a. Some red ink manufac- turers bought out Con- gress. b. The House of Representa- tives is really working for William Randolph Hearst. c. Three Senators are sec- retly married to daughters of Supreme Court mem- bers. 10. Next to intelligence tests, the most inane things in the world are: a. Intelligence tests. b. Intelligence tests. c. Intelligence tests. SHOWME SHOW (Continued from page 1) taken back BILL BRITTAIN'S Kappa Sig pin which means more peaceful romance for awhile. . . . JANE ARCULARIUS, D. G. and HERB JONES, Kappa Sig are that way . The Triad gives the Betas an excuse for lots of things such as FRED BROWN- ELL who will take Pi Phi MARY JANE YATES, and DON KLEIN who will not take Kappa GWEN KNIGHT. . . Chi Omega LUCILLE WITH- ERS does not let the ring of a home town love effect her feel- ing for Fiddle-de-fee HASEL- TINE, very suave lawyer . . . MARJORIE McVEY is one smoothie who should not be tak- en out of circulation by a Cali- fornia interest. . What did MATT KINNEY, Phi Gam think when he saw the Tulsa paper carrying the picture of the wed- ding party of LOUISE DAVIS, Pi Phi love. Perhaps a Stephens gal can console him. . . . Kappa STANTON is doing well-what with a Phi Delt pin, Beta yearn- ings, and a different color scheme in cars . . . Looks like serious de- velopments after Pi Phi JEAN 100 CALLING CARDS 25c Names neatly printed on good quality cards (1 1/2x2 1/2 in.). If address is desired, add 10c ex- tra. Send 25c coin. Postage pre- paid. U. S. Only. 6019 Chestnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., THE CHESTNUT PRESS, Dept. C. -Ad in STUDENT Readers in Patagonia, England, and Tahiti will please ignore. MAYOR IS READY TO IMPART MILK IF CRISIS COMES -The Times Versatile, the mayor. -Jack-o-Lantern Versatile, hell, he's colossal. MURRAY drops in from Tulsa to see barrister DAVE TRUSTY. Shanghai, March 4 (Friday).- Japanese army dispatches said to- day that a Chinese army of 100,- 000 men had been caught in a vir- tual "death trap" in Southwest Shansi province. Buy a better used car, Excep- tional bargains are offered in Star Want Ads during National Used Car Exchange Week.-Adv. -K. C. Star. Yeah! Let China be a lesson. JEWELS ON HER EYELASHES Paris Outdoes Hollywood in Giv- ing a "Come-Hitler" Look -K. C. Paper No wonder Eden quit. In some rocks we find the fos- sil footprints of fish. -Yale Record What, no snake hips! *. and make me a good girl-but not so good that he won't ask me to the Jayshow. FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT page nineteen "This class reminds me of Kaffee Hag; 99% of the active element removed from the bean." -Sundial A gentleman, on being informed that he was the proud father of triplets, was so overjoyed at the news that he rushed to the hospital immediately, where his wife and newly acquired family were, and dashed pell-mell into the room. The nurse being out at the time was irritated upon her return and remonstrated with the father: "Don't you know better than to come in here with germ-filled clothes? Why, you're not sterile." He looked at her a moment and then said, "Lady, are you telling me?" -Rammer-Jammer "I represent the Mountain-Cheap Wool Com- pany," began the snappy young salesman. 'Would you be interested in coarse yarns?" "Gosh, yes," breathed the gal, hopefully. "Tell me a couple." -Bored Walk It was Prom time. Fifty couples were dancing to the strains of mad music. It begins to rain. A hundred and fifty couples are dancing. -Amherst Lord Jeff Greenspon's Beauty Salon Life Savers page twenty What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this week? Send it in to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself into a free prize box of Life Savers. For the best line submitted each month by one of the students, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane-wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes will be judged by the editors of the pub- lication. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be published the following month along with the lucky winner's name. ANNE HURD "What would this country be without men?- Stagnation." IN THE SPRING - In the spring the old man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of: Whether the coal is going to last through April. Whether it wouldn't be more advis- able to buy a trailer than agree to another raise in rent. Whether daughter is ever going to re- main engaged long enough to really get married. New remedies for incipient baldness. The high taxes, and if it wouldn't be more advisable to chuck every- thing and get on some government project. Whether Junior is going to flunk in his final exams, and why the dick- ens he should choose just this time to get foolish about some girl. Whether there is going to be another war. Why no one pays any attention to him. Why somebody doesn't figure out this crazy existence. "Insurance people are certainly queer," remarked a young prospect at the club one evening. "In what particular way?" "First they come around and con- vince you that you may die at any minute to get you to apply for a pol- icy and then before they'll issue it they take every measure to convince themselves that you'll live for years and years." * "Good morning, Madam. I deal in cast-off clothing." "Oh, how lucky! Do you think you have anything that would suit my hus- band?" The clergyman of a poor parish was showing a rich lady around, hop- ing to touch her heart and so receive a big check for his people. "We are now passing through the poorest slums," he said, as the car turned into a side street. "These peo- ple have little to brighten their lives." "I must do something for them," sighed the lady, adding to the chauf- feur: "James, drive the car slowly, and turn on the big lamps." Beech-Nut Gum Hurray for What? The war is over? Is it over, Mother?-No, your son was killed. Is it over, little girl with the big blue eyes? -No, your daddy was killed. Is it over, soldier?-No, you lost a leg. Is it over, laborer with the horny hands?-No. You, and your children, and their children, and THEIR chil- dren must lay out their hard-earned dollars in taxes to pay for it! So why do we cheer? Only the fighting is over. Hearts will go on aching. And men will walk on crutches. And laborers will work and work, and pay and pay - for years. For years, and years, and years. Let's not have another war. What to do about it Hysterical protests won't avert an- other war, any more than will "pre- paredness". Civilization must build its own de- fense out of human reason and intelli- gence,properly organized and applied. To every reasonable and intelligent man and woman in America goes the responsibility of doing his or her share to avert the coming war. World Peaceways offers a practical plan of how you can help. Write for it. There is no obligation involved in your inquiry, except the obligation to your conscience and to your convic- tion that there must be no more wars. World Peaceways, Inc., 103 Park Ave., New York City. A Well-Bred Crumb Stand Pat with 5 Queensm After the Snow-Ball if Over The Whole School's "Lit" Don't Pin- Zip!! Beware of the Hare System At Stephens. Damn these W.P.A. Dams!! They Call It. Zick, But Healthy Hell!! "That's Rosie Behind" THIS IS MY STORY (Continued from Page 11) They didn't like the way I talked in monosyllables But then I hadn't finished my own sentences for months Even had whole chairs and a bed to myself It was deadly Surprised there was only one of Abie Had begun to think of him as a fraternity Then Abie visited me at Penwood and I had one date with him The girls in- sisted I share him Too bad the night he had planned to give me the ring my pledge daughter had him out So Abie left saying he wasn't quite up to marrying the whole sorority and when he felt in a harem-scarum mood he'd be back But the world was full of able Abies just as ready and willing My main-stay gone all stays are out anyway I went back to mass dating We always dated in groups and it was a disgrace to leave and come back with the same escort The night I was pinned I came home with the Dean Didn't see my finance again until the Spring Formal That was a dance Five of my formals went The orchestra was marvelous even without the trom- bone players There wasn't room for them to play We were packed in like assorted asparagus and never moved all evening In fact the nails in my date's shoes wore a good-sized hole in the floor be- fore midnight Had a terrible time getting out after the dance The doors opened from the inside But that was nothing compared to the post-office brawls we used to have The mail man got so he used to sneak in at night with the mail We caught on to that The college authorities banned the use of black-jacks and billy-clubs But one could still get through with hat pins Boxes from home never got past the door Finally the post-master quit because he didn't have time to read all the post cards Commencement rolled around before we had time to concen- The Brown Derby trate Very jolly affair Didn't feel at all sad as I sat in the audito- rium with 400 others Same di- plomas were passed out to ev- erybody Some drew blanks but I had a lucky number Then people began offering me jobs Most embarrassing was pri- vate secretary for awhile Didn't get along with the boss He was not a fraternity man Appointed dietician at a deaf and dumb in- stitute Quit third day Missed the wisecracks Modeled for table legs a week Very solitary job Not enough opportunity to work up * "Same diplomas were passed out to everybody. Some drew blanks but I got a lucky num- ber." Was so lonesome I lost my ap- petite Would stand around in crowds with tears in my eyes Then I enlisted in the army of the unemployed At last I was happy again Twelve of us girls live in a fifth floor room and sleep in two beds Every day we join the crowd holding rallies in the town square Sometimes we march and sing But we never get lonely Our meals are the greatest sport Ev- eryone grabs for himself And now we're starting WPA plays a sym- phony concert group and boxing matches It isn't that college grads can't (Over, pliz) page twenty-five H.R. Mueller Florist Campus Cab page twenty-six get jobs They stay with the un- employed to keep from getting lonely P.S. Here's the punctuation was too crowded while writing to add it If the reader has ample room he may put it in wherever necessary " ???????? ,,,,, :::::::: !! !!!!!!! ((((( ????))))) &&&&& ***** ____;;; ?? ! ( x x ,,, . )))).'""'"'" MIZZOU MALES (Continued from Page 17) So I removed him from her land- scape. Date entertained me with little Audrey stories on way to town and entertained himself with x- ray glances. One thing-he could dance! So I overlooked the baggy slacks and one day's growth of beard. Tried to concentrate on breaking his death grip. We jellied and I paid the mills. Suspect his ancestry is Scotch. Bought me a nickel coke and later tried to squeeze it out of me! Nothing to the old saying "Lightning never strikes twice in the same place!" Invited him to the Prom in a moment of weak- ness. But a tux did hide a multi- tude of sins. Had the nerve to ask me how I liked the corsage he didn't send! Told him I gave it to the maid! Glamorous evening rather paled when he suggested we walk the ten blocks to the Crystal Ball- room. Put my foot down and in- sisted on a taxi. He had no mon- ey so he borrowed some from the House mother! My young love was growing as cold as my backless formal. In the taxi he mumbled thickly that I had S.A. and began a series of osteopathic treatments. Asked him what he thought S.A. was ?- Student Activity? Driver yelled back hadn't he better stop on the next curve? Date told him to tend to his driv- ing! He knew where to stop! Dance was a huge success. Was almost mangled! But could have worn a barrel and a brown derby! All the fellows noticed was my neck anyway. Another session in the taxi left me as feeble as a giraffe with laryngitis. He was really wheezing when I got him to the door! Called me by the wrong name for the fourth time that night and swore he loved me! Told him father couldn't afford to give jobs to any more of my dates! So he kissed me, slapped me on the back, and was gone with an "O.K. Baby!" ROLL CALL "Robinson?" "Here." "Rosenthal ?" "Present." "Mary Smith?" "Here, sir." 'Wanamaker ?" "Hell, yes!" Mariette Ewalt School of Dancing The Quad Club The COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN UNITED PRESS page twenty-seven . T. Clinkscales Auto Store CENTRAL OFFICE EQUIPMENT CO. page twenty-eight PIDDLESTICKS It's a good thing the St. Pat's queen isn't judged by beauty standards or a three-way tie would have to be called. A shame so many lovelies have to be sacri- fied for one queenship. . . . If 10 cents is to the Savvy Frolics as $5 is to the next Savitar, then this year's book should be all-uni- verse. . . . A course that could be substituted neatly for one of the many griped about required courses is "Application of Psy- chology to Student Problems." . . .A composite Phi Gam and a ditto Kappa would make an ideal all-around campus couple. (We're neither). . . "School of Love," an Eldon Jones feature, hasn't been snapped up by some "name" band 'cause the owner of the copyright hugs it for sentimental reasons . Candid Shots . . . Eleanor Hal- ey wearing a bright yellow felt chapeau in a drizzling rain . . . Paul Van Osdol giving a McKin- ney-like greeting to a janitor in Jesse. A candidographer lean- ing out of Gaeb's diner to snap a picture of Helen Nichols and Evelyn Myers. A gutteral shout brought their attention, but the distance from lens to subjects will result in two Kappas being no bigger than a pinhead, which isn't a nice thing to inflict on a Kappa. . . . Four Stephens kids skating on Rollins during their two-day period to catch up on studies, sleep, etc. . . . The viper on a Campustown roof, who, during the last snowfun, amused pedes- trians 10 feet below. Why not a tan or light brown fingernail polish for blondes. Joan Cargill's nails suggested it . . . Some day the Sanford Pl. Thetas are going to get real peeved at the boys next door and pull down the shades. Or will they? . . . The latest dope from Eastern colleg- iate circles (Colgate in particular) says that Tommy Dorsey is fast replacing Goodman. That won't affect us. HOUSE BEAUTIFUL CAMPUS SHOP BARTH'S DANIEL BOONE TAVERN TIGER LAUNDRY DROP INN SANDWICH SHOP Missouri Store Co. Camel Cigarettes