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Missouri Showme September, 1938 ; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1938

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Missouri Showme September 15cents Tower Hall Romance Faurot's Tigers Must Win Co-Eds vs. Candid Cameras Lucky Strike Cigarettes THE MAYOR SAYS HELLO Greetings, Students . Columbia is happy to welcome for- mer students upon their return and glad to extend greetings to those who come for the first time. Columbia is a college town and real- izes the obligations and responsibilities to maintain an environment conducive to a successful and happy college career. We wish you every success. Colum- bia is your town as well as ours. The Mayor's office and all city departments pledge co-operation with you and invite you to co-operate with the Columbia city government. If you care to see me-on business or just to get acquainted-drop by my office any weekday from 10 to 12 noon. Greetings and best wishes, Rex Barrett, Mayor City of Columbia, Missouri Sept. 14, 1938 SMILING WHILE HE WORKS In a happy mood we find His Honor about his official duties HIZZONER REX BARRETT Recent Fight News Columbia politics should al- ways be headlined in the news- papers as: RECENT FIGHT NEWS, or, THE USUAL PO- LITICAL DIRT. The most recent fight was in August. Mayor Barrett managed to get a $14,300 P.W.A. grant to help Columbia build a water soften- ing plant. The City Council re- jected the grant. An extra-legal election to de- termine public sentiment was held. Those who wanted to ac- cept the P.W.A. grant and to build a water softening plant for Columbia won by 175 votes. Next day the City Council met and again rejected the grant; but, in doing so, it appointed a spec- ial committee to investigate the matter. There has been agitation for a water softening plant for this city since 1924. When the next generation is running the Show- me, your shildren will undoubted- ly be hearing more RECENT FIGHT NEWS on the same sub- ject. page one AROUND. The Acacia fraternity was bothered a great deal at the close of last year by the Pi Phi neigh- bors. It seems during final ex- amination week the girls decided to take sun baths-the whole active chapter and pledges-and wore practically nothing. As a few of the boys wanted to pass, they had to go to the library to get studying done. EVER EAT CAFE 440 South Ninth Missouri will have its largest enrollment in history on this, its hundredth anniversary celebra- tion year. On September 14 and 15 the papers read: "MISSOURI ENROLLMENT SETS NEW RECORD." "MORE THAN 5000 ENROLL" "ENROLL- MENT EXCEEDS EXPECTA- TION" The motto of this year's de- bate squad will be: "Never try to confuse the issue with facts." -- 809 ELM -- $5.00 Meal Ticket $4.00 Cash Best Meal in Town for the Money Rooms are scarce. Good rooms bring very, very nice prices-to the owners of the houses. This year more than ever before the non-fraternity men and the barbs are in for their share of poor rooming conditions. "Why, I wouldn't marry him if he was the last man on earth!" "I guess not. Where would you find a preacher?" The Stationery Shop KFRU Basement Dial 3 2 4 4 page two Betty Won't Like ... Caught off guard, Betty Inman, Chi O from Minnesota U., shows what a picture should NOT look like. Co-eds should hate candid cam- era pictures. A posed photograph brings out the good views-the candid shots bring out all that is bad. A good photographer can make a posed shot look like a candid shot and make the girl look twice as beautiful as she really is. Movie actresses (stars, of course) are on the average no better looking than Betty Co-ed. The photography does it-and it isn't candid! FOOD CENTER On the edge of the campus 225 South 9th St. 5676 Candid shots of action from the wrong angle always make the subject. To put it indelicately, Co-ed seldom handles herself gracefully, the results are appall- ing, to say the least. Every person who has ever taken a picture with a box cam- era or better is a photography expert. But you had better go to your professional photographer for good results. ..THE TOWN Now begins the season for hay rides. It is truly remarkable how many broadminded chaperons fraternities can find for such oc- casions. When asked for a statement, Robert Black, president of the student body said: "You might say that I extend the usual greet- ings to the freshmen." MODEL BAKERY 19 North Ninth A girl named Alice, president of the Women's Student- Ex- cuse me. She doesn't want her name mentioned at all as she wants to break the news about the one and only (if there is one) to the campus all by her- self. "You seem to cough much eas- ier this morning," the physician remarked to his patient. "It isn't any wonder. I've been practicing all night." ARTCRAFT PRESS Dial 6610 Six-year-old Mary awoke about two o'clock in the morning. "Tell me a story, Mama," she pleaded. "Hush, darling," said her moth- er. "Daddy will be in soon and tell us both one." Stephens with its 1450 girls will get along all right. Christ- ian will have over 300. He was just a little dogie, try- ing to get along. CAMPUS DRUG Meeting-place of the two campuses Free Delivery 6304 FAUROT vs. THE STADIUM by SPORTS EDITOR Don Faurot is on the spot. Whether you want to believe it or not, there is a whispering cam- paign to "get" Faurot. In back of this is a bond issue -about $275,000 worth to be ex- act. These bonds are on the Memorial Stadium. Unfortunate- ly for all concerned, both princi- pal and interest are long overdue. A newly formed Bondholders' Protective Committee, with E. J. Flinn as secretary, intends to get action. How? By getting all bondholders to deposit their securities with this committee so that a united front may be pre- sented at the University. The attitude of the Bondhold- ers' Protective Committee is that since 1927 neither bond payments nor football victories have been coming regularly. As for football last year, Mis- souri had a poor season after its expectations had risen so high during the pre-season publicity campaign. This year you have not heard anything about Mis- souri's team. Or does it still have one? An Instructor in Athletics Don Faurot, football coach, is listed as an instructor on the University's payroll but his salary equals that of the high- est paid dean. Yes, it has one. And, to dispel pre-season blues, it is better than last year's team. It is green but the line is heavy, the backfield fast. Colorado should be easy for the Missouri team this year. Kan- sas should be a nice practice game. (You don't believe us? Just watch, wait, and hold your breath.) As for publicity, if you can get one person connected with foot- ball to make a cheerful statement, you are a miracle. The pre-sea- son dope is gloom, gloom, gloom and then still more of the same. But did you ever hear of a suc- cessful coach that said he was going to win a game? Every victory this year is go- ing to find Faurot saying, "We were lucky." Each game you go to, you are going to think- if you believe the dope-that Mis- souri is going to lose. And then, after the game is over, you are going to say, "We had luck or we'd never have beaten them." The Bondholders' Protective Committee may place a represen- tative in the box-office at each of the games this fall-and some- body will be smiling when the results come in. The Nebraska squad will have secret practice until its debut at Minnesota October 1. Pre-season dope gives the Cornhuskers all the odds in favor of retaining the Big Six title. "Biff" Jones says Nebraska has too tough a sche- dule to make any promises. The Bondhold- ers' Protective As- sociation is wor- ried about the $275,000 bond is- sue that is in de- fault. page three SERVICE WITH A SHOWME *wherein we answer for something new Editor's Note-With pardon- able pride SHOWME now an- nounces its newest creation-a super Service Department. It will be the purpose of this modern innovation to act as a personal guide and helpmate to you and you and YOU. Have you any family troubles in your home? Have you any family troubles in anybody else's home? Do you want the street in front of your house paved? Are you disappoint- ed in love? No? Well, for the love of Heaven, dontcha have any trouble at ALL? Whatever your difficulties are, write to SHOWME! The super Service Department invites let- ters, telegrams, postcards, phone calls, questions-in fact, we invite anything but old tomatoes and stink bombs. We'll be glad to help you, whether you be male or female, married or single, fresh- man or human, and we have a special department for college widows! Don't forget-it's SERVICE to the people, by the people, for the people and IN THE SHOWME! When all else fails-call SHOW- ME! (Think we wanna be left behind when all else fails?) SHOWME WEATHER FORECAST It may be a cold winter, but then again ... SHOWME CROP SURVEY Corn will be at least as strong as last year. Rye will be as easy to get as ever. Cotton will again be plentiful, but you still can't drink it. Looks like another plague this year. Those durned green insects again. Yep, the freshmen will be thicker than gravy spots. page four the cry SHOWME MARKET RESUME Consolidated Cannon - Still booming. Dollar Watches - Gaining steadily. (Beauties To Buy corner-Get Bargain Basement stock now, and get in below the ground floor!) SHOWME HEALTH DEPARTMENT Don't forget to see your dentist at least twice a year, and ask him when's the last time he saw his dentist. SHOWME GAG DEPARTMENT Gags may come and gags may go, but we still use the old- fashioned bath towel. SHOWME 'PERSONALS' John R.: Please come home, John; we need you. We caught a mouse in the kitchen last night, and none of the neighbors will carry it out for us. Suzy Q.: It's okay, Suze. You kin come back now. De mob jus' found out it wuz Stella which made dat coffee. To whom it may concern: I will not be responsible for debts contracted by persons other than myself, and especially by my three first wives. See Madame Gaddum for read- ings. Also special rates for writin' and 'rithmetic. SHOWME LONELY HEARTS CLUB Are you lonely? Do you want comrades, pals or a sweetheart? It's easy now. Just send $2.50 for our free book, entitled "How To Win Friends and Influence Peo- ple." Hot off the press. All new; all different. Address Co-Oper- ative Friends Association, SAE house. SHOWME MORBID MYSTERY SECTION A sudden shot broke the eerie silence, and a dull thud followed. Another shot brought another thud. Again; and this time a shriek bit into the night air: "Migawd, mister, that's sixteen straight! Y'gotta scram! Y'wan- na rooin me? I run this shootin' gallery fer amatoors !" Notice to Students!! EVERY STUDENT operating an automobile within the City of Columbia, Missouri, is required to purchase a city auto- mobile license. DEADLINE on the sale of these licenses is SEPTEMBER 28. FAILURE TO COMPLY with this ruling will subject the automobile owner to a fine. Licenses may be purchased at the City Collector's office, Muni- cipal Building. "I'm afraid to raise my hand anymore - there's a school teachers' convention in town!" Prince Albert Tobacco The foreman of a local W.P.A. project was given an additional ten men to put to work and he had no extra shovels so he immediately wired to Washington for more money. A week passed and he received a let- ter back to the effect: Dear Sir: I'm sorry to say that we have no extra shovels about, and what is worse, there isn't any money available at the present time with which to buy new ones. Might I suggest the only remedy I can think of to avert this crisis. Let the extra men lean on each other until the new appropriation comes through. Three skunks went to church and they all sat in their own pew. When the collection basket came around they each gave a scent. Boogy: Can I touch you for $5? Woogy: Man, with business the way it is, for $5 you can sock me on the jaw. Sign on the back of a Ford-Not Lazy-just shiftless. * No fairy tale is 100 per cent un- true. Even the one about the stork is true--with reference to baby storks. * Wifey (hubby's former secretary): Where were you all evening you brute? Hubby: Honestly, honey, I wasn't at the office! * "Waiter, what time is it?" "Sorry, sir, this is not my table." We quarrel about the slightest things I'm all upset and harried; We're getting on each other's nerves. It's time that we got married. WRONG ANSWER "I am as sober as the cops who ar- rested me," shouted the defendant who had been booked on a charge of drunken driving. He was convicted due to his weak defense. * Girls who wear long woolen bloomers Have no fear of evil rumors. * Coach: How come, you only came out second in the race? Runner: I'd have won, only one of the fellows got in front of me. High: Cheer up. Things are not as bad as they seem. Low: No, but they seem so. Then there was the man who in- vented a glass eight ball for people who like to look ahead. . . .A WORD TO THE SIMPLE Some Spots-before-the-eyes for Freshmen FOREWORD Ever since Time began March- ing On, learned men have pon- dered long and hard over the problem of the freshman. Great scholars the world over have sought a solution to the difficul- ties met by first-year men in col- lege. The advent of women in col- leges merely broadened the enig- ma; the problem has stayed with us. Even now we look to the utterances of the wise men of old to give us light. There is, for example, the all- inclusive Philosophy Phor Phrosh, by that wrinkled and revered Russian scientist, Vod- dihu Tinka Datt, who said: "A freshman has only one course of action. He should enter college as a sophomore." And then come to mind the sentiments of the All-Valley Chi- nese Chess Champion, Wun Chinka Chek, who spoke these historic words: "A freshman has only one course of action. He should enter college as a junior." At this very moment several English psychologists are poring over these two pronouncements, trying to carry the line of thought another step forward. One shud- ders and holds one's breath at the vision of what may come out of their conferences. Truly, TIME . MARCHES . . .ON! Everybody gives advice to freshmen. It's simply the thing to do, that's all. Despite the marching of time, freshmen still enter college as freshmen, and a lot of 'em still believe in Santa Claus and a fair system of grad- ing. These neophytes need to be counseled. And counseled they shall be. The collection of assorted ad- vice presented herewith repre- sents the best bits of warning words available, and come to Mis- souri freshmen at bargain rates. Now, a lot of this is pretty scarce stuff, and shouldn't be seen by anybody but freshmen, so will all who are not recently graduated from high school please turn to some other article? (Hey, not you, freshman! You're supposed to read this!) In the first place, all you fresh- ics (and this is very confidential), you gotta give some advice to freshmen. That's the only way By the Sage Advice Editor anybody can tell you from a fresh- man. (Isn't that a hot one, though !) Sure! How do you sup- pose those mugs who are upper- classmen keep from being taken for freshmen? Simply by giving advice to freshmen! It's as easy as that! Next comes the matter of fresh- man caps. Don't wear 'em. The sophomores just want somebody to feel superior to, and the only way they can spot you is by look- ing at your heads. Besides, it's just about as cheap to buy a hat, and winters get pretty cold in Missouri. Thirdly, you'll be going to pep meetings and rallies. That's okey, but wear gloves. Otherwise you'll make so much noise when you clap that nobody can hear the band. And if you can't hear the band, how're you going to know when to stop clapping? See how it works? And another thing: Don't learn the words to the Missouri songs too well, or you'll stand out like a deep-sea diver in a fish pond. You've seen guys who know all the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" sound out in a commun- ity sing. It's the same principle. If you have any assignments out of books on reserve at the library, GET 'EM QUICK! The voice of experience is talkin,' and you're lucky to have somebody to tell you this. Do as much of your studying in the afternoon as you can. The best radio programs come on at night. When at the jelly joints, don't be afraid to put nickels in the machines. It's a sort of special duty of the freshmen class to keep the records on. (And please, freshies, let's have more Benny Goodman this year.) When the carnivals come to town, stay out of those naughty, naughty side shows. Those darned things got so crowded with freshmen last year that the upperclassmen could hardly get in. Editor's Note: Your friend missed just one thing, freshmen. You can't go wrong with a sub- scription to SHOWME-for only a buck. Get yours today! The old gentleman was lost in a London fog so thick he could scarcely see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching. "Where am I going?" he asked anxiously. A voice replied weirdly from the darkness: "Into the river. I've just come out." -Exchange "Lady, if you will give me a nickel my little brother'll imitate a hen." "What will he do?" asked the lady, "cackle like a hen?" "Naw," replied the boy in dis- gust. "He wouldn't do a cheap imitation. He'll eat a woim." -Awgwan page seven The Truth on a Timely Topic SCIENCE HELPS YOU ENROLL All the world loves a lover- but nobody even likes an enroller. An enroller is a person who has to enroll. He doesn't care for it himself, but he's stuck with it. We can't all have everything we want. (There's only one Mvrna Loy.) Most of us get only what we can take. But the enroller has even worse luck. He has to take what he can get. Altogether a pretty unhappy lot, isn't it? But this is the era of World Brotherhood-to say nothing of World Peaceways and World Series-and so, many per- sons feel something should be done to help the enroller. With this in mind, a number of wise and eminent savants have met and formulated a hunk of advice that even enrollers may have free of charge. It is the pur- pose of this article to translate the original hieroglyphics into words of one syllable or less, for the benefit of freshmen and other unfortunates. To begin with, then, the pros- pective enroller needs a permit to enroll. This takes the form of a little card held in hock by the registrar. The best way to get it is to write reggie a little note, slipping in a five-dollar bill for persuasion. Otherwise, you (the enroller) may not get a card until mid-semester, and then it may have an F on it. But once you get your permit, your real troubles will start. For you have to see an adviser. Now this process is exactly like starting an automobile of the Model T age. How did you start a car ten or fifteen years ago? Right-with a crank. And that's just the way you start your en- rollment-except that he's called an adviser. Here's some super-advice (just ask anybody): When you begin tracking down your adviser, equip yourself with a fairly recent copy page eight of Collier's and a couple of oranges. You'll see why in just a minute. Your search will eventually end in the adviser's office, if he has an office, and there you will prob- ably see a girl, who is not an adviser at all, but a secretary. If the adviser is out for the day, she'll tell you he'll be back any minute. If he's in she'll tell you he's out. But you can fool 'em. This is where you drag out the oranges and your magazine. If By PHIL DESSAUER the adviser isn't in, the sight of food will overpower the poor girl, who has been waiting for the cad all day, telling his dirty lies to everybody who has come in. If he is in, just sit down and wait him out. Even advisers get hun- gry, and he's liable to burst upon you any minute and leave you with nothing but the magazine. Triumphantly you go into his sanctuary and tell him in a firm, authoritative voice just what sub- jects you want and when you want 'em. You show him the schedule you have worked over for hours. By this time he has finished your oranges, and has recovered his composure. He takes your schedule with a smirk, and carefully tears it to bits, handing you one he has prepared for all freshmen three days before. You look at it. You totter on the upturned wastebasket you are using for a chair. You reel. "But, professor," you plead, "I took biology 1 in the ninth grade. They said; I wouldn't have to take it when I went to college!" "Tut tut, my lad," he sneers, "them high school principals don't know nothin'." "But-but-but-" you sputter, bewildered. "No 'buts,' now. What do you think you are, a goat? Haw, haw !" (This is an excellent ex- ample of professorial wit and humor. Restrain yourself from mayhem; he means no harm.) "But what about this engineer- ing course?" you come back. "I want to study journalism." "It won't hurt you. It's one of my classes, and needs some more students. Er-you see-I thought I'd give you the benefit of a pro- fessor you already know." Muttering your thanks, along with some other expressions not so well received in society, you stumble out into the fresh air, gulping deeply. The savants' best advice, at this stage, is to wait for the next vic- tim to come out, and have a good cry with him. Then go home and think. Or just go home. Next day you are scheduled to enroll at 2:30. But don't go at 2:30 because the enrolling sched- ule is as phony as a disarmament conference. You can't possibly get into the sacred halls of the library until after 3. And don't expect an early supper. When you do get in and find the proper stall for your workout to begin in, you will see a number of individuals perched behind tables (it oughta be bars). Don't be fooled by them. They're not advisers who look like ogres. They're ogres who look like ad- visers. There's only one way to handle this crew. Be tough. When you approach to get your class cards, let your conversation run some- thing like this: "A card for Modern Civilization at 10, please." (This is you.) "Sorry; it's full." (This is the ogre.) "Whaddaya mean full? You mean full? Lemme see that class roll." (You snatch it up.) "Hmm. Just as I thought. Here's one name down here three times. I'll (Continued on Page 21) Our Stephens Correspondent Reports LOVE COMES TO TOWER HALL NEWS ITEM: Tower Hall, the latest addition to the Stephens Campus, now a dormitory for hundreds of them there swell Stephens belles, adds a medieval note to the architecture of Colum- bia, with its towering towers, high walls and spike fences. The iron fence, with its vicious points, is the subject of much conjecture. It is not known whether the fence is to keep marauders out or Stephens girls in. Several local authorities, when sounded out as to their opinion, opined: "Who in the hell cares?" Who indeed? * * * There was a guy named Gilbert Landslied. He was quite a ro- mancer, and would surreptitiously sign his name in his books, pap- ers, etc., "Sir Gilbert Landslied." Sir Landslied came to Columbia on the train from Centralia. But to him it was not a train from Centralia. That train from Cen- tralia, to him, was a heller of a dragon which he had subdued and forced to carry him, pick-a- back, to Columbia, Mo. Now right away you, dear read- er, figure this story is a steal from Don Quixote. Well, in a way you're right. Anyhow, Sir Landslied met a girl from Stephens who was pret- ty, and you know what that does to a guy, especially a romancer like Gilbert. He suddenly real- ized that he wanted the girl. Which is a healthy, natural thing. If you don't feel that way once in a while you ought to do some- thing about it. One day while Sir Landslied was out walking down Broadway and some other local thorough- fares with Elaine (didn't you guess her name?) he was in a kind of daze, or he wouldn't have done what he did. What he did was walk right into the Dixie with a Stephens Girl. You know what that means. Well, a horrible female ogre named Lady Madame Stephens Monitor saw her in there swilling ale, and straightaway took her by the ear and reported her to the Stephens people to whom one re- ports such business. I don't know who that would be, right off. Elaine got campused. She was imprisoned in her room, high in the tower of Tower Hall, at the by CAPPY TRIMBLE corner of Melbourne and Walnut, one block north of Broadway. She leaned on the window-sill, pearly tears streaking down her silly little face, her beautiful golden hair hanging down to the roof of the kitchen, which is in the base- ment of Tower Hall and serves 700 girls. Suddenly she looked up! Or down. There was Sir Landslied, pacing like a caged tiger, up and down, hippety-hop. She screamed to him, then wrote a note on her window shade, wrapped it around her study desk and threw it to him. She missed. Sir Landslied read the note: "Climb over the iron fence and climb up to my cell in the tower on my golden hair, which I will let down. But take it easy; I just had a permanent. Sir Gilbert leaped like a caged tiger, ran over to the iron fence and started climbing. At the top he slipped and got caught right by the back of his pants. Painful and embarrassing, both. Elaine cried out in anguish, Sir Lang- slied moaned, the authorities came and cut him down, Elaine got more campus, and: everything was in a stew. It really ruined Gilbert's ideals, and in his ex- treme disgust he wrote to Presi- dent Wood, of Stephens, suggest- ing, somewhat facetiously, that he dig a moat around Tower Hall. So President Wood dug a moat. The moral is: Both. The fence is to keep the girls in and maraud- ers out. A salesman was passing thru a small Missouri town and had several hours to while away. See- ing one of the natives, he in- quired, "Any picture show in town, my friend?" "Nope, nary a one, stranger," was the reply. "Any pool room or bowling alley ?" "None of them, either," came the answer. "Well, what form of amuse- ment have you here?" the exas- perated salesman asked. "Wal, come on down to the drug store. Thar's a Freshman home from the university." -Pell-mell Her Father: "So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" Suitor: "Yes, sir." H. F.: "I see. Well, can you support a family?" He: "I don't know. How large a family have you, sir?" These were voted tops as the three sweetest words in the lan- guage: 1. I love you. 2. Dinner is served. 3. Keep the change. 4. All is forgiven. 5. Sleep 'till noon. 6. Here's that five. And the saddest were: 1. External use only. 2. Buy me one. 3. Out of gas. 4. Dues not paid. 5. Funds not sufficient. 6. Rest in Peace. -Pelican page nine MISSOURI SHOWME "A Reflection of Modern Campus Thought" J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather ROOM 13, WALTER WILLIAMS HALL George J. Schulte, Jr., Business Mgr. EDITORIAL BOARD Phil Dessaner, Chairman John Hartzell Sherwin Garside George J. Schulte CO-ORDINATION Frederick Irion ASSISTANTS Bob Duncan Murray Amper Additions to the staff will be announced in the October issue. Vol. VIII Sept., 1938 No. 1 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1938 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recog- nized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13. Walter Williams Hall; office of publication. Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. A new school year, and a new SHOWME is born. It may be "just another" year, but we hope it'll be a bigger and funnier SHOWME-bigger because size means ads and an end to red ink; funnier because fun means read- ers and a bigger kick out of doing a good job. We used to see a sign in our neighborhood barber shop that read: If We Please You, Tell Others; If Not, Tell Us. That's the way we feel. If you like our sheet, pass the word, not your copy of it, along to others. If you think we need a kick in the pants, write us, or deliver it-verbally-in person. Last year SHOWME invited con- tributions from one and all. Here and now we second the motion. Don't be modest; let us judge whether the stuff is worth print- ing. If you can draw pictures that the family laughs at, come around -we can use cartoonists. If your page ten The Brown Derby stories or articles aren't good enough for the Saturday Evening Post or funny enough for Judge, don't be discouraged; maybe our standards aren't quite so high as theirs. And if you're under the spell of the candid camera, bring your prize photos and your nimble minnie or educated Eastman down for a jam session in Room 13, Walter Williams Hall. That's where the receiving line is-Room 13, W. W. Hall, and our hats'll be on the desks 'most any after- noon. So drop around, willya? We probably won't perform many official acts, but as No. 1 we want to publicly pay our re- spects (splitting an infinitive in the process) to J. V. Connolly, SHOWME'S ranking pal and new general manager of all Hearst newspapers. A guest at Journalism Week festivities last spring, "J. V." as we call him in a spirit of cam- araderie, met SHOWME, showed interest and went home with a gleam in his eye. Just as the last final exams were being laid to rest in June, "J.V." gave us the works, sent us half a dozen draw- ings, all professionally done by regular King Features artists. If you think it ain't so, look at the outside cover on this issue- and we don't mean the half with the cigaret ad. Nice, eh? And there's more where that was printed. We hope you've noticed that, in line with our policy of trying to be different, we have not greet- ed you with a pep talk on the sweetness and light of a new school year. You're probably sun- burned, fagged from the trip, sorry you had to leave home, afraid of your schedule and ready to call the whole thing off. But stick around for a while, at least until you see how good the var- sity looks against the freshmen. It always does, and you always do. And now, if we'd only continue being different, and shut up "Oh, yes, some water on the breakfast dishes-they're in the sink." ODE TO COMPARATIVE ANATOMY Seated one day at her organs, I was bleary and ill at ease, And my scalpel wandered idly, Over her greasy kidneys, I knew not what I dissected, It may have been a cow, When I struck a cord of the larynx There resounded a great "meow". It may be the cat's bright angels, Will sing in comparative lab; It may be that death's bright angels, Will sing that "meow" once more For this may have been my cat's first departure And I'll hear its eight lives more! * "Waiter, I wish to dine very well tonight. What do you suggest?" "The restaurant around the corner, sir." JUST A CARD "Junior, I don't like the looks of this report card." "Nor do I, Pop. It sure is a sloppy print job." "None of your wisecracks, I'm talk- ing about the marks on it." "What's the matter with the marks?" "There aren't any A's. That's what's the matter." "Give me a good bunch of B's any- time, and I'm satisfied." "But I don't see any B's on your card." "Well, who says I'm satisfied?" "Junior, are you pursuing your studies faithfully?" "Yes, indeed, Pop. I'm always behind." "That isn't any lie. You're always late for school. Can't you get there in time?" "I'd get there if it wasn't for the sign I always have to pass." "What sign are you talking about?" "It reads, 'Slow down, school ahead'." "All right, Junior. As long as you're so good at wisecracking, you won't need your allowance for the next month. You can entertain your lady friends with your brilliant wit." "As I was saying, Dad, those marks are a mistake that I shall never let happen again. I assure you-." "Don't look now! That big guy dusting the plate is Bugs Maloney, the big league umpire!" When Big Business Takes Over Football Chesterfield Cigarettes A DAY WITH A GAG MAN 9:00 A. M. Newspapers very depressing. Couldn't find one typographical error at which to poke fun at. Went out and bit several dogs and shot a couple of editors. 12:00 Noon. Met a beautiful girl who told me she never went anywhere without her mother, but (ha-ha) mother would go anywhere. Even when she gets out of the hospital. I doubt if mama will be able to recognize her. 1:30 P. M. Ran into Steve and asked him who he was work- ing for. "Same old outfit, wife and four kids," guffawed Steve. His firm has lost a good man. 2:00 P. M. Caught myself laughing at a cartoon in a maga- zine which worried me so that I went out and got a couple of drinks. Next time I'll visit a brain specialist. 3:00 P. M. Got a request to write a radio skit. When I showed the agent the script, he said, "It's no good, you know. It's never been used before!" Neither had that nice twenty-two. 4:00 P. M. A guy pulled that line about "it not being his face, but that he was just breaking it in for a friend." Any- how, I finished breaking it in. 6:00 P. M. Attended a fire sale. They were selling shirts for a song. They still have the shirts because the song was never sung right. 8:00 P. M. Last night somebody yelled, "There goes Pro- fessor Quiz." Must have missed him as the guy next door has just tuned in on him. 10:00 P. M. And so Doctor Bill said, "I'm a little hoarse; I slept in a livery stable last night!" And you've guessed it, he's sleeping elsewhere tonight. 12:00 Midnight. Time to hit the hay. I hope I dream that all would-be gagsters have become tongue-tied. "That's enough out of you!" TRUE STORY In case you're wondering how Gus Brown got all over the front page of the newspaper last week, we'll tell you. It's a simple story. You all know that Gus was a man of letters-liter- ally speaking, for there isn't a paper in the United States with a circulation over 20,000 that hasn't at one time printed one of Gus' editor-baiting letters. It all started while Gus was still in college. When the local sports editor failed to mention his alma mammy's quarter-back for All-American honors, Gus wrote in and told him he was an ignorant, dull-witted, one-sided, and out-right liar, and he added "I dare you to print this." The next day Gus' letter headed the Reader's column on the editorial page, and Gus Brown had broken into print. From then on it was easy. Gus began to spread out. His letters began to appear all over the country. He always found something to complain about, and when he didn't there was always enough typographical errors to be criticized. The day after his letter, calling the editor's attention to the fact that the word "time" had only one "e" on the end instead of two, he was met by a group of proof readers, who asked Gus how he would like to see most of his stuff spread out all over the front page. Gus was so excited, he followed them without question. When the proof readers got him into the printing factory, they threw him into the press, and that's how Gus Brown got all over the front page. "Gosh, sis, y'got so many boy friends, y'finally has to have 'em numbered an' lettered, eh?" STAMPS By SPECIAL FEATURES EDITOR The stamps on the letter are among the last issued by Austria. Shortly thereafter Germany marched into Austria and then Austria stopped issuing stamps. As Wien is Vienna's own name for itself, this envelope would de- light a philatelist-stamp collec- tor to you. To be practical, a stamp collector would be willing to pay a couple of dollars for such an item. When your rich aunt makes a trip around the world, tell her to mail you letters. Back in '28 a father of a friend of mine mailed seven postcards from Austria to his son-cost about 5c apiece to mail. When I offered $1.50 apiece for the stamps, the fellow said my price was too low. Ah well, life is like that. (P.S. The stamps are now worth $3.50 apiece.) The cut in the center says, "first day cover." To a stamp collector, that means that some stamps were attached to an en- velope, cancelled the first day of issue, and mailed somewhere. Notice that the Wien registra- tion seal was placed over the English inscription . . . meaning that the letter was intended for a stamp collector in an English- speaking country. By the way, a philatelist always uses the word "cover" when he means "envel- ope." What we want to know is-Do you like articles like this? You have to admit, whether you like the article or not, that it is dif- ferent. College magazines are more or less cut and dried in the same routine formula of at- tempted or successful humor. Pictures like the ones used on this page aren't cheap and aren't easy to get. We are not going to try make philatelists out of you: No more articles on stamp collecting this year. But if you want us to, we can dig up all sorts of pictures that never get into the newspa- pers or magazines. The last picture on the page shows two stamps from France. The cancellation is a first day one; read it and you'll find that the stamps were placed on sale in one of the show spots of the world. They aren't worth very much-a little over $1.50 should buy them easily. page fifteen "I been window shopping." "Whattayamean, window shop- ping?" "I been looking in windows." "What for? Nobody's in bed this time of night." -Wampus Girls when they went out to swim, Once dressed like Mother Hubbard, Now they have a different whim And dress more like her cupboard. -Analyst She: "And if I sit over in that nice dark corner with you, will you promise not to hug me?" He: "Yes." Her: "And will you promise not to kiss me?" Him: "Yes." Feminine: "And will you prom- ise not to . . .?" Masculine: "Yes." She: "Then what do you want me over there for?" -Exchange THE COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN page sixteen TIGER LAUNDRY and DRY CLEANING CO. CHORLTON ARMS The Missouri Student page seventeen Benedict's Garage Co-Op page eighteen Advertisement: "Eskimo Spitz Pups for ten dollars apiece."- Satyr. Editor's Note: "We'd pay twice that just to watch him!" -Dodo Country Constable: "Hey, Miss, no swimming allowed in this lake." Co-ed: "Why didn't you tell me before I undressed?" C. C.: "There ain't no law against undressing." -Exchange The governor had gone to the state insane asylum to look over the work done by a new superin- tendent. While there he had diffi- culty in getting a telephone con- nection. Wiping his brow, he shouted to the operator: "Look here, girl, do you know who I am ?" "No," came back the calm re- ply, "but I know where you are." -Emory Phoenix Frozen Gold Ice Cream GREENSPON'S BEAUTY SALON WEEKENDS After having spent a summer of week- ending, I feel that I am, to a pretty high degree, an authority on the subject. One of the great objec- tions to a week-end is the hostess. There are five types of hos- tesses. Let me ex- plain. Type One (The Flattering Kind) : " Oh, I'm so glad you've come. I want you to meet Miss Doakes," she beams. She just can't wait to see your brilliant tennis. I toldheryou were on the Davis Cup team. What? Well you know you could be if you wanted. And Helen, wait till you dance with the handsome devil - honestly, I don't know why I ever married Harry." Whereupon you become so self-con- scious that you're even ashamed to take a step.You hide out most of the week- end as you know you can never live up to that build-up. Type Two (The Exiled Kind) : Judg- ing from her, you would think that the printing press and the radio were yet to be invented. Being away from the city gives her a question complex, which begins as soon as you enter. "What is the latest? What was the ver- dict in that murder case? Has there been any change in women's styles? Are they wearing their eyelashes longer? Are men really going in for green suede shoes?" If you're smart, you'll answer all these questions with "I don't know, I've been laid up for the last month. Which room do I sleep in?" You spend most of the weekend sleeping-- it is the only protection against her. Type Three (The Absent - Minded "I tell you there isn't any barber shop here!" Kind) : As she answers the doorbell and takes one horrified look at you: "Heavens! Was it this weekend? You invariably wonder whether it was. Type Four (The Frank Kind): Ah, it's about time you came. Now we can get the furniture moved around to the position it should be in. You know we make all our guests earn their board and room. Have you any overalls? Well, Jack can get you a pair. We'll see if we can't put some callouses on those lily-white hands of yours." There is no protection against her. Type Five: This hostess is known as ---but I must stop. I've got to start packing my bag right away if I'm to catch that Saturday noon express. * "Tight, why she's so tight that she buys cups that are rough on bottom so that when you put your spoon in the cup you'll think there is sugar in it." "Buddy, your music teacher is com- ing-have you washed your face and hands?" "Yes, mom." "And your ears?" "Well, ma, I washed the one that's going to be next to her." "Where's the guarantee that goes along with this stuff?" Women may be slaves of fashion, A Safety Raiser-Four aces and a but their burden is light. joker. * The coach of the Conference Champions has a cute way of disciplining his football players. Every time anyone of them makes a mistake, he fines them and takes it out of their pay. * She (slapping his face): I thought you said that was a parlor story. He: It is. I heard it in a pool parlor! "Your uncle jumped off the top of the Empire State Building? Good lord, was lie killed?" "I don't know. I got a telegram he lands tomorrow." Most of the girls who work in night clubs are sentimental- ists. They save all their old costumes by pasting them in a scrapbook. ONLY FOR A FRIEND Mr. Grumps was true to his name. He was a sour, mean, unsociable old man. He had but one friend, Mr. Long, who was so deaf, he never heard what Mr. Grumps said, and therefore could tolerate him. One day, Mr. Long's son, Walter, who had been away to college, called on Mr. Grumps' daughter, Jean. Wal- ter had grown so that Mr. Grumps did not recognize him. As Walter entered the house. Mr. Grumps, the consistent- even-tempered man-that is, he stays mad all the time-ignored the boy. Jean called down that she'd be ready in a few minutes, and Walter. who already felt uncomfortable, tried to break up the uneasy feeling by starting a conversation with Mr. Grumps. "It looks like it might rain," the young fellow ventured timidly. Mr. Grumps, answered gruffly, "It ain't going to rain." This blunt answer stumped Walter. and for the next five minutes, which to him, passed as rapidly as an eterni- ty, he remained silent. Finally, Mr. Grumps growled, "Who are you?" "Walter Long, Sir." "Walter Long! Not my old friend, Buzz Long's son?" "Yes. Sir." "Well, well," said Mr. Grumps, a little more kindly, "It may rain. Yes, it may rain!" "It has to be by Schopenhauer! Fritz chews nothing but high German." RED CAB ENROLLERS (From Page 8) take one of those spots. Come on, now, and cut out the squawking!" This is the approach most sci- entifically calculated to succeed. It has never been known to fail. (It's never been known to suc- ceed, either. In fact, it's never been tried. But go ahead-try it. Who knows?) After you receive your cards, you go into a big room that has more customers than a free lunch parlor. You have gathered some- where a long form filled with blanks for your name, address and personal experiences since the third grade. You fill out a form for everybody in town, from the registrar down to the field repre- sentative for Chase and Sanborn. After an hour you wish your father's name was something sim- ple, like Doe. You work with blanks so long you feel like a movie gangster. When you finish, wipe the ink off the form and your hands with your clean handkerchief and dash for the door, throwing all your forms and blotters at whoever is standing by the door as you spurt through. (And we do mean through.) Next, go to the basement of Jesse Hall, where you will see a lot of fiends with tin boxes in their arms and gleams in their eyes. They take your money. And when we say "your money," we don't mean part of it; we mean your money. They'll take your check, but brother, it'd better be good! This completes your enrollment until a couple of days later, when you get a summons from the cashier's office. It seems you've neglected to check a couple of lab fees, so will you please come across with a ten-spot, if you'll be so kindly? And ain't you ashamed of yourself! Higbee & Hockaday CLOTHING COMPANY page twenty-one DORN-CLONEY HAYS page twenty-two "Hello, Bob. Have a good summer?" "Swell, and you?" "Never had a better one. What courses you takin' this semester, Bob ?" "My adviser fixed me up with paleontology, applied entomol- ogy, thermodynamics, and chemi- cal kinetics." "That sounds great, Bob. I'd be all steamed up with a schedule like that. How did you make out last year?" "Some lower, some higher; you know how it goes, George." "Sure. I didn't do so well either. I guess I got on the wrong side of the graders, because I knew the stuff cold." "Me too, but this year things will be different; I'm getting all S's. All you have to do is hit the quizzes and bull in the final." "It's easy once you're in the groove. Why a fellow over at the house has been in college six whole years and he hasn't bought a book yet." "Then there are others who work like hell and get bounced at the end of the first semester. It just doesn't seem right to me." "I'm different though; I believe in getting an education before all this foolishness. It's just one damn thing after another that you just sort of lose sight of things." "Yeh, it's true, isn't it? With all the good fellows dragging diplomas, degrees, and honors from one filling station to another, it makes you wonder. Maybe there aren't enough filling sta- tions; I don't know." "I look at it the same way. You might as well get what it takes right now while the bills don't come to your own door, because you've got to work for it some day." "Sure, and don't forget the Democrats won't be in office for- ever." "Look, Bob, here comes Frank. Let's cross the street so he won't see us; he's always gabbing about courses and classes. That line of talk gets me down." -J.F.H. BARTH'S DROP INN SANDWICH SHOP JACK CRANGLE SERVICE STATION BASKETBALL GAMES Dec. 17-St. Louis Univ. here Dec. 20-U. of Wyoming here Jan. 9-Iowa State Col. here Jan. 14-U. of Oklahoma here Jan. 21-U. of Nebraska here Jan. 30-Washington U. here Feb. 25-Kansas State here Mar. 2-U. of Kansas here FACULTY RECITALS (1938-39) Sept. 22-Mark Bills, Baritone Sept. 29-Lowell Townsend, Pianist Oct. 6-Katharine Durrett, Soprano Oct. 20-Rogers Whitmore, Violinist UNIVERSITY CONCERT SERIES (1938-39) Oct. 24-Nino Martini, Tenor Dec. 14-Cincinnati Symphony Feb. 20-St. Louis Orchestra Mar. 8-Robert Casadesus, Pianist Apr. 26-Kirsten Flagstad, Soprano WORKSHOP PRODUCTIONS First Major Play November 2,3 Second Major Play December 8, 9 Third Major Play, February 15, 16 Fourth Major Play May 22, 23 One-Act Play Contest May 10, 11 STATE HIGH SCHOOL ASS'N Basketball Tournament March 11 Wrestling Tournament, March 10-11 Indoor Track Meet April 1 Outdoor Track Meet: Classes B and C May 6 Class A May 13 STEPHENS COLLEGE Registration September 12-14 Christmas Vacation, Dec. 21-Jan. 9 Second Semester begins Jan. 30 Commencement Week May 27-30 FOOTBALL GAMES (Varsity) Sept. 24-Freshmen here Oct. 1-Colorado here Oct. 15-Iowa State here Nov. 5-Michigan State here Nov. 24-Kansas (Homecoming) Oct. 8-Kansas State there Oct. 29-Nebraska there Oct. 22-Wash. U (St. L.) there Nov. 12-Oklahoma there Nov. 19-St. Louis Univ. there FOOTBALL GAMES (B Team) Oct. 7-Kirksville Teachers Col. at home Sept. 23-Chillicothe Bus. Col. away CURRICULAR DATES Freshman Conference Sept. 12-14 Freshman Convocation Sept. 13 Registration Sept 14, 15 Class Work Begins Sept. 16 Armistice Day Nov. 11 Thanksgiving Holidays Nov. 23-28 Christmas Dec. 21-Jan. 3 Mid-Year Exams Jan. 22 Second Semester Registration Jan. 30, 31 Class Work Begins Feb. 1 Easter April 6-10 Final Exams May 27-June 3 Baccalaureate Address June 4 Commencement Exercises June 6 MISCELLANEOUS DATES Farmers' Week October 25, 27 St. Pat Celebration March 16, 18 CHRISTIAN COLLEGE Registration September 15 Christmas Holidays, Dec. 16-Jan. 3 Second Semester begins Jan. 30 Commencement Week May 28, 31 page twenty-three Football Ticket Office missouri Drug Co. Centennial Savitar CENTRAL OFFICE EQUIPMENT CO. page twenty-four the novus shop The Jacqueline Shop Camel Cigarettes