Missouri Showme January, 1939

Missouri Showme January, 1939 Missouri Showme January, 1939 2008 1939/01 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193901

Missouri Showme January, 1939; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1939

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Extry Missouri Showme Extry Missouri Showme January 15 Pennies SEX Exposed! By STOOP, QUAACKLIN Special SHOWME CORRESPONDENT A DECENT NATIONAL SURVEY CONDUCTED IN THE UNITED STATES SHOWS THAT STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI TAKE THEIR SEX NONCHALANTLY. IN FACT, IT SHOWED THEY TAKE IT WHEREVER AND WHENEVER THEY GET A CHANCE, AND OTHER FACTS THAT EVERY UNIVERSITY STUDENT ALREADY KNOWS. SEE "SEX, STUDENTS & MORE SEX" COLUMBIA---FRIDAY THE 13th Modern Student Cafes Suzanne's THUMBERS HITCH UP Some ingenious college student up in an Iowa college has started a movement which may in time com- pletely revise what is popularly referred to as the art of hitch-hik- ing. He is the Guiding Thumb of an organization which will have accredited members, certificates, badges, rules of the road, rules of standing-by-the-road and what- not. Hitch-hiking, as any veteran of the art will gladly tell you, is not as safe now as it should be. In fact, when the unsuspecting soul gets into a host car he is practically signing his life away. As long as he is in another's car, he's not much safer than he would be standing blindfold with one arm tied be- hind him on the ledge of a sky- scraper-in a strong breeze. But with this apparent dawn of a new era, there'll be some changes. Let us picture in our minds a car pulling up to stop beside the col- lege student hitch-hiker who wears the insignia of this new organiza- tion. "Hello, sir," the student says very firmly, as he opens the car door. "May I ask you your name?" "I'm salesman Elmer P. Twipp." "Your address?" "Chicago." "Can you offer any recommenda- tions from reliable persons-persons who would vouch for your honesty and integrity?" "I believe I can," the driver re- plies confidently. "I'm employed by the Zippy Potato Peeler and Masher Company." "Just a minute and I'll see how that company is rated," the Regis- tered Thumber says as he takes from his pocket a reference booklet. "Yes, here it is. Four stars-very good. Yes, your company comes highly recommended. What about your personal habits?" "I'm somewhat of a habitual smoker. Drink occasionally." "Have you ever driven your au- tomobile when you were intoxi- cated?" "No, sir, I haven't in the last several-weeks." page two "Fine. Do you keep both hands on the steering wheel at all times? Both eyes centered on the road ahead? Do you observe all road signs, no matter how small or min- ute they may seem?" "The answer to all those ques- tions is yes." "Are you subject to sudden head- aches which might affect your vis- ionary abilities?" by RIDER BACK "Very seldom. I carry headache tablets in the car pocket," he says as he points to a neat little box of Dr. Cure-U's Tablets for Throb- ing Thrombosis. "Has your automobile passed all requirements set down by state law? Are your brakes in perfect condition, steering apparatus in tip- top shape?" "Yes, sir. And there is the tag to back up all those statements." "Very satisfactory. Now, please tell me what your usual rate of speed is-both through municipali- ties and on the open road." "I average about 35 miles an hour through cities down to 4500 population. On the open road I average about 55." "Can you lower that latter fig- ure to 50?" "I believe so." "Then if you will please sign this paper, we'll be on our way." "What is it?" "Oh, just a statement saying in case of an accident you will be fully responsible for me." Oh, is that all! Well, hope in and let's get started." And he does and they do. TO TRAVEL THE THUMB WAY With the abolition of slavery, the direct election of senators, wom- an suffrage and the partial aboli- tion of Monday morning quizzes, why can't we hope for a reform in college hitch-hiking? This Iowa student may have hit upon a great need in the country, and maybe someday the university will be turning down a student because his dad was not registered as a thum- ber. Mil: What will you say if you find my kisses the electric type? Ed: More power to you. -Red Cap Lass: Say, it's past midnight. Do you think you can stay here all night? Lad: Gosh, I'll have to phone mother first. -Red Cap Sweet Thing: I'm so discouraged, everything I do seems to be wrong. Casanova: Hmmm, what are you doing tonight, lovely? -Red Cap Frosh: Hey, hey, I got sumpin' I'll bet you'd like to see. Endless pictures of French girls. Soph: They're no good that way. -Red Cap "Are you a member of the Crew?" "No." "Then stop stroking me." -Columns. Scene: Girl's parlor. Time: Any old night. Action: Feminine Voice-Mom! Mom!! Mmm!!! Mmmmm. Mmm- mmmmm. Never mind, Mother. -Punch Bowl "What's the matter; were you in a wreck?" "No, my best girl told me that she had a nice little place in her heart for me, and I tried to find it." -Mis-A-Sip PROF. CHRYSALIS LECTURES STEPHENS SUSIES ON A TIMELY TOPIC Facts of Life Professor Egghead Chrysalis, of the Stephens College "Facts of Life" faculty, entered the classroom, ad- justed his glasses, picked up an ap- ple from his desk and dropped it into the wastebasket, then glared at the roomful of pretty little Ste- phens belles. Some were delight- fully naive, some were demure, some were haughty, and some were sleepy. "You can't buy my goodwill with an apple!" he thundered in his small way, muttering, "Anyhow, not a wormy one!" under his scent- ed breath as two more little girls dropped their tired little heads, closed their elfin eye-lashes, and be- gan to snore. "Today," Prof. Chrysalis began, "I'm going to tell you about sex!" Everybody woke up, some of the girls paled and reddened, a few fainted, and two or three lost souls mumbled cynically: "He can't tell us anything we don't know!" (Backstage choir sings, "Throw out a lifeline, Throw out a lifeline, Some poor sinner is sinking.") "What are you going to tell us about it?" someone shouted. "I'm going to explain the awe- inspiring miracle of life," Prof. Chysalis answered, picking up his chalk. He drew an oval on the board. "This," he said slowly, dramatic- ally, "is an egg." He tensed, then lowered his voice until it sounded like a sob: "It . it came from the chicken!" by FUZZY CATERPILLAR "Oo-o-o-oh!" shrieked a cute lit- tle blonde trick from South Hall, "Draw us a chicken!" Prof. Chrysalis dropped his hands to his sides, lifted his pale face to the heavens, and moved his lips in a prayer which sounded like: "What the hell!" "Please, girls," he pleaded, "This is a delicate subject. Don't make it difficult for me." The room be- came silent. "I can give you another analogy," he continued. "Take the bee and the flower. Here we have sex at its most beautiful!" He sighed and gazed ecstatically at the ceiling. The room was hushed. A small girl in the front of the room was cry- ing quietly. "All this," continued the Profes- sor softly, ". . . . all this is to ex- plain where babies come from!" Four girls shrieked and fainted, and there was a pause while they were carried out. "You girls have been living a sheltered, protected life," he went on. "It's time you learned the Facts of Life!" A sob welled up in the throat of the little girl in the front seat. She swallowed it and wiped her eyes. "It's a beautiful thing," Prof. Chrysalis continued. "Now take the caterpillar. The poor thing, so slow, so ugly, not knowing that it is destined to be a butterfly!" Cheers resounded, and a wan smile shone through the tears of the lit- tle girl in the front seat. "It's the same with human be- ings," the Professor whispered. "It's like the chicken and the egg, and the bee and the flower, and the caterpillar and the butterfly. Yes, it's like the mighty oak, dropping its little acorns on the ground, they, too, become mighty oaks in their turn!" (Continued on Page 22) SEX LIFE OF BUTTERFLIES, CHICKENS, AND OAKS. ... page three o THE MISSOURI. SHOWME o "A Reflection of Modern Campus Thought" J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather GEORGE J. SCHULTE, Jr., Business Manager EDITORIAL BOARD JOHN HARTZELL GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. FREDERICK IRION CLAUDE RAMSEY ART STAFF ADVERTISING Vic Take Betty Peacoop Murray Amper John Jachym Bill Davies Ralph Draper BUSINESS STAFF Harry Pease, Circulation Manager Bud Barnes Mabel Kinyon EXCHANGES OFFICE STAFF Robert Kuelper Patty Veatch Roy Moskop Roy Kelly Martha Jane Myers CONTRIBUTORS Roy Kelly, Assistant Dictator Roger Straus Lucille Gupton Paul Charles Law Bill Dempsey Katherine Dougherty James Ragland Bob Duncan Bob Dimke Clifton Paisley Houston Cox Claude Henley Nate Silverman Roberta Carver Claude Ramsey George Ince Charles Greever Nancy Corsa The Ed and Sensers THE SEX ISSUE A tabloid newspaper or a garish magazine may have suggested the theme of this month's Showme, but it is intended to be satirical rather than serious. In the last decade sex was com- ing into its own following the World War, and then people dared mention it in a whisper. Today the prudishness of the Victorian era has gone, and sex is no longer look- ed upon as something vicious. Following the breakdown of false moral values after the War, sex leaped to the pages of the more sensational newspapers where it now holds forth, proving whatever you would have it prove. Now we may boast of a greater freedom, and in these efforts to se- cure enlightenment and the death of false modesty and prudery, intel- ligent people and highly respectable journals and magazines led the way. Ugly sex is no more. Following Life magazine's great- ly publicized article, "The Birth of a Baby," Showme countered with a series of pictures titled "The Birth of a Cabbage." Life's editors were so amused that they requested sev- eral copies of the article, and one hangs in the New York editorial of- fices of Life. We reprint "The Birth of a Cabbage" by popular request. FINAL EXAMS To say that it won't be long now would be trite, and to say we hope you all pass might be adding insult to injury. Nevertheless, there is something quite unique about the period of final exams - - -you may be sure that everybody is studying. Shakespeare may be found over a cup of coffee, and the wiles of higher math may be solved over a mug of beer. Also, a stray fact may be gathered in idle conversation in anyone of the many popular gath- ehing places 'round the town. All of it put together in that great unknown just south of the hat goes from there to that arch-fiend, the bluebook. If you pass, and here's to all of you, you possess a bit of intelligence, but if you flunk the prof. didn't like you, his wife gave him burnt toast and cold coffee for breakfast the day he wrote the exam, or else the student grader didn't know which end was up. 'Zams Over, Headin' Home VOL. VIII JANUARY, 1939 NO. 5 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single cpy. Copyright 1938 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Per- mission given all recognized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams Hall; office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. page four THE ASSISTANT-COACH Well, here's this puffed up imita- tion atrocity of a miler wasting hours of time running the squad through stupid exercises they won't remember five minutes from now. If he's a good coach, I'm a Phi Beta Kappa man! "Yes, Mr. Switz. Yes, sir." If it wasn't for me that guy couldn't even find the field, much less coach the team. I do all the work, and he gets all the credit. "Certainly, Mr. Switz. I think so, too." He probably got his training running errands for Western Union before they put him into a track uniform. Just wait till they see this squad perform. Then maybe they'll deport him! "Marvelous, Mr. Switz. How'd you ever think of it?" Why I've forgotten more about coach- ing than this lop-eared impressario will ever know. Give some of the lo- cal boys a chance instead of dragging in a lot of big time phoneys and let- ting them coach. "Yes, Mr. Switz, of course." Sure lucky for that peanut brain to get an assistant who can coach the squad for him! "Yes, Mr. Switz. I agree with you perfectly." A NEWSMAN'S DAY 9:00-Cuts class to go to News office to get assignment. 9:10-Is assigned to moving desks and cleaning the floor. 9:42-Tells editor about his beauti- ful sister. 9:42 1/4-Is excused from cleaning duties. 10:00-Goes to class, hoping he will find material for a story there. 10:03-Falls asleep. 10:55-Is awakened by bell. 11:30-Gets a copy of the paper. 11:35-Finally finds his article and reads it. 11:36-Finds everything but opening sentence changed. 11:37-Curses editorial board. 11:38-Finds his name spelled wrong on masthead. 11:39 Delivers speech on idiocy of 11:55 all linotypers. 12:00-Eats lunch that he brought from home. 12:30-Burps. 12:32-Blames it on food in com- mons. 1:00--Picks on a freshman. 1:01-Gets beat up by a freshman. 1:05-Explains to onlookers about his sore arm that made him lose fight. 1:06-Goes home to nurse bruises. "Ha! Ha! So you want me to return your copy of 'The Art of Selfishness!' Ha! Ha!" Prince Albert Tobacco Scotchman and his wife stopped in front of a restaurant where a sign on the window read: "Dinner here from 1 to 3, 40 cents." "C'mon in, Martha," the Scotch- man said, "I calls two hours' eatin' for 40 cents pretty fair." Father (sternly): I thought I is- sued an injunction against that young Tully coming here. Daughter: I know you did, Dad, but he's a lawyer, so he appealed to a higher court, and Mother reversed your decision. Dog Catcher: Do your dogs have licenses? Little Elmer: Yes, sir, daddy says they're just covered with them. "How was your vegetable garden this Summer?" "Fine! We had it for lunch on Mon- day." Father: Daughter, I hope you will go to church this evening. The pastor's subject, "An Hour With Favorite Hymns," should be very interesting. Daughter: I should like very much to go, Father, but I have an engage- ment with my own favorite him to- night. Prison Warden: I've had charge of this prison for ten years. We're going to celebrate. What kind of a party do you boys suggest? Prisoners: Open house! Rake: Boy, oh boy, did Tillie throw a party last night! Jake: You don't say. Who all was there? Rake: Just me and Tillie. The Lynx in the summer He Stynx. Hobson: I met Smith yesterday, looking very dismal. He told me he paid $100 for his daughter's elocution lessons, and now he's sorry he did so. Jobson: Why? Hobson: Because that girl can talk him into anything now! * Nit: Do you work in the shirt fac- tory? Wit: Yes. Nit: Why aren't you working to- day? Wit: We're making night shirts this week. A group of Negroes were lying on the floor in front of the fireplace when one of them spoke up: "Is it a-rainin' out?" "Ah don't know," replied another. "Well, git up an' look," insisted the first voice. "Ah, rats." said the persecuted one, lazily, "call de dawg in an' see if he's wet." What Students Ought to Know page seven Margie Discovers Young Ecstasy SEX, STUDENTS. The terse announcement of the Commission to Study Campus Ex- tra-Curricular Activities said sim- ply: "Missouri University, location, Columbia-Condition of S. R. (Sex Radical): 76/34M-. This means practically nothing to the layman, so I decided to look into the situa- tion. The farther I looked, the more embarrassed I became-and I'm not so sure I didn't embarrass a few others in the process. My first inquiry was at the Delta Try Gamble fraternity. I wanted to talk with a few of the brothers about their sex life. I got a few scattered opinions and after they were duly translated, had a few tangible statements. Phil Arthsbottom, a senior in the School of Law, quoted thus: "Sex- ah, that ever-evasive method of relaxation-that stimulation to make the days lose their length. Yes, it is practically indispensible to the campus environ. May it never be eradicated." B. V. Dee, a freshman in the Col- lege of Arts and Science, unloosed his tongue in this fashion: "Yeah, I go in for it pretty heavy myself. In fact, it is my extra-curricular ac- tivity. I don't tell the folks that, though, because they hear it as 'Social Development.' Now, you take a girl that's a good necker- no, I take that back. If she's a good necker, I'll take her myself-" page eight I didn't bother to check back to see where he had lifted that joke. Wishing to get the story from the other side of the fence, I ap- proached a young sorority Miss- Margie Blump. I asked her for a candid opinion of sex. "Sex?" she asked, puckering up her nose. "What's that?" "Pitchin' woo," I translated. Then she smiled bigger and bet- ter and said, "Oh, that!" Then by STOOP QUACKLIN (Continued from Cover) she told me how casual she took her petting. "Why I set aside about one hour every day just for that alone," she said. I came near asking her how she could do it alone, but re- sisted the temptation for fear I might distract her. "And what about your sorority sisters," I asked. "Do they go in for this stuff pretty heavy, too?" "You bet. They say that's the one thing that isn't taught in col- lege-but they just pick it up on their own hook." I could see no reason why such lovely talent should go to waste, so in pursuit of my survey and such things I suggested a ride in the car for that very night. "Why not," she said. . . . I picked Margie up about 7 that evening and we went through the preliminaries of a punk show. Dur- ing the picture the best I could do was hold her hand, but I made an occasion of that. After the show I suggested a ride and then headed for any one of the places too nu- merous to mention. She wasn't par- ticular about that, but she did make the announcement that the place we finally chose was the most quiet of all. Noticing a lead, I asked if she knew ALL the places. She did. Once at the place, I cut the en- gine, tuned in the radio on some dance music then stopped momen- tarily to outline methods of ap- proach. In the second of my mo- ment's meditation, however, I ceas- ed pondering the situation any lon- ger-for she had already drawn my right arm up around her shoulder and had smuggled close beside me. "Do you always do that to fel- lows who take you out," I asked still in pursuit of knowledge. "Well, most of them don't wait for me to," she explained. "You're evidently new at this sort of thing -so I thought I'd better take things into my own hands." And with that she looked up into my face with her two big blue eyes. The temptation was too much, so I drew her closer and planted a kiss directly in the center of a patch of lipstick. I intended making it only an introductory offer-but she encircled her free hand around my head and held the position for what I judged to be thirty seconds. Then she relaxed-and I came out to my own advantage for now I had both arms firmly draped about her. In the next few minutes I kissed her several times-each one increas- ing in length and the span between them shortening. We didn't talk of anything in particular, as I re- member, and I was surprised to see ...AND MORE SEX that she took it as a matter of fact, just as though there was nothing else but that to do. Well, there wasn't. Next we changed positions for comfort and in the mix-up I guess I did something not quote cricket- for she quickly straightened up in the car and said, "Now don't get collegiate." I was afraid to say anything for a little while, but with- in three minutes her head was lying up against mine and I had kissed her three more times. Maybe it was intuition, but any- way I looked at my watch and thought I had put in a good day's work. After a final kiss, I told her we should be getting home and she agreed. When we got back to her house, I started to kiss her good-night. Evidently there was no one look- ing, or a kiss in such a conven- tional position would be an anti- climax to what we had gone through -for she defended herself, then slipped into the house and on up to her room. My article would have consider- ably more verve if I could have followed her to her room (platoni- cally, of course) and heard the en- suing bull session she had with her girl friends. There were hundreds of things I wanted to know-for the article and survey, of course, Was that "don't get fresh" flare-up just a show-was she expecting me to ignore it? Would she have permit- ted considerable more liberties? Was I tame in comparison with some of her other dates? Would Margie have let me become even fresher on our next date? Would she have been equally as casual with regard to other things? And as I sat at my desk drawing up the records for my report I came to the question, "Is sex universal on the campus?" Opposite I pen- ned the word, "Yes." Then I added, "-and fun, too!" Mary had a little swing, It isn't hard to find, And everywhere that Mary goes The swing is right behind. -Quip He: "I'm feeling a little frail to- night." She: "Will you stop calling me that?" -Quip Father: "Why do you go with that girl?" Son: "Because I want too." Father (suspiciously): "Want to what?" -Quip "Darling, do you mean you can tell a man's future from his hand?" "Yes, sir, if it stays on my knee like yours is, he's sure to get sock- ed." -Red Cap "Are you troubled with improper thoughts?" "Naw, I enjoy them." -Lampoon "You should be more careful to pull your shades down at night. Last night I saw you kissing your wife." "Ha, ha, ha The joke is on you, I wasn't at home last night." -Mustang "The boys at the Deke house must be out. The lights are not on." "No. They are giving a party." -The Lyre Filmer Smut was saying t'other day that he heard about a skunk who went to church and sat in his own pew . . . -Butler Doghouse This little sheep went to market, This little sheep stayed home, And so we have virgin wool. -Jack O'Lantern "Here's where I cut a good fig- ure, said the college girl as she sat on a broken bottle." --Caveman ABOUT THIS ISSUE "Censored by a blind per- son." H.M. "I'm buying extra copies to heat my house." O.S. "The presses must have gone up in smoke." G.Z. page nine SEXPOSE SHOWS WOO PITCHIN' QUITE POPULAR "Hi-Lites from the World of Sports" Don't look now, but that Uni- versity of Missouri basketball team preparing for the 1938-39 cage cam- paign possesses the promising pos- sibilities that bring goose-flesh even to the "Doubting Thomases" of the coaching fraternity, an order to which Coach George R. Edwards decidedly does not belong. No, Edwards isn't a pessimist, and he shouldn't be, for he has an all-veteran starting lineup, aug- mented by seasoned reserves, that should give him a finished product comparable to any other in the conference, with the exception of Kansas, Big Six's perennial cham- pion. Missouri tied for third place with Nebraska in the conference a year ago, by winning four of its ten Big Six starts. You need no rose-col- ored glasses nor an optomistic per- spective on life to foresee a better won-and-lost record and a similar improvement in the standings this year. Here are the boys: John Lobsiger, junior guard . . . Elected captain when scholastic re- quirements took two-out-of three falls from Kenny Brown . . . A blushing blond . . . Prepped at Gary Indiana, in the state noted for its cage luminaries . . . Not physically rugged, yet capable of setting a hot pace throughout a game . . . Ex- cellent on backboard play . . Capable of breaking up a ball-game with a field goal in the clutches. Bill Harvey, junior forward . . . His cage play as a sophomore last year was comparable to that of Paul Christman on the gridiron Came from nowhere, after a none too sensational freshman year, to spearhead the Tiger offense . page ten Led team in scoring with his two- hand pivot, jump shot . . Harlan Keirsey, senior forward . . Silent man of the squad . . . Quiet workman, efficient, durable, and in better condition since ap- pendectomy last spring . . . Ex- cellent "feeder." . . Blaine Currence, junior center . . . Six-foot, four-inch pivot man, accurate shot . . . Appears slated for starting berth ahead of Tison . . . Plays effortlessly. . Quiet foot- ball squad near season's end to start cage workouts. Hal Halsted, junior guard . . Smallest regular on squad . . . Best long shot . . . Dogged defense man . . . Works well with Lobsig- er . . . Despises defeat. Haskell Tison, junior center . . . Tallest man on squad . . Six-foot, seven an done-half inches . . . Good on lay-in shots . . . Clay Cooper, junior forward . . . Does well with one-hand jump shot . . . Has fine floor game . . . Broth- er of Johnny Cooper, Mizzou's All- Big Six star of yesteryear . . . Call- ed "Salty" by his mates. Gene Bredehoeft, junior guard . . Lettered as a sophomore two years, missed last season with leg injury . . . Sticks closer to op- ponent than Seven Years' Itch . . . Called "Baldy," you guess why. Arch Watson, sophomore forward . Star of freshman team two years ago which contained Harvey, Lob- siger, etc. . . . Kept out with kid- new ailment last year . . . Plays now with special protection for in- jury . Loose and lanky; polish- ed. Martin Nash, sophomore for- ward, Truman Jorgenson, sopho- more guard . . . Promising, partic- ularly the former. Dr. F. C. Allen, dean of basket- ball coaches in the United States, has ten lettermen returning, and a fine crop of sophomores also on hand. The Jayhawk quintet should be potent, and the battle for the championship may be a duplicate, although perhaps more fiercely fought, of last year's race to the finish between Kansas and Okla- homa. The Jayhawks know every team in the conference will be tough, and they particularly re- spect the Sooners. The old injury jinx has already dealt Kansas a cruel blow, with the loss of Ralph Miller, sophomore sensation, who is out for the sea- son. Miller injured his right knee twice in football and then rein- jured it in basketball. Miller was one of the two greatest high school basketball players the state has (Continued on Page 23) NONSENSE VERSE by SAPPO I I think that I shall never see A prof. who thinks great things of me. A prof. who looks at me and hopes The other guys were also dopes, So that he wouldn't have to mark exams, So sure that all of us were hams, That all he'd have to do (the skunk) Is merely write, 'Dear Class: You flunk!' IF everything around you looks too black, IF you can't make the tennis squad, or track, IF all your grades look even worse'n hell, IF you can't get to class before the final bell, IF no assignments that you have are in, IF you escape the busting by your skin, Remember, pal, each night at half past eight, The campus groans, and envies you that date! III What? Typewriter won't work? Don't worry. The coffee won't perk? Don't worry. Can't finish that theme? Don't worry. Your math is a scream? Don't worry. Your chem's in a mess? Don't worry. Your pants need a press? Don't worry. What am I about? I'm packing your stuff. You've just flunked out. "Your son is a college graduate, isn't he?" the stranger asked. "Yes," confessed the honest farm- er. "But, in justice to the college I'll have to admit that he didn't have any sense beforehand." Actor: You know, they say my face is my fortune. Patient Listener: Look here, I'm fed up with hard-luck stories. * LEGAL TERMS Brief-What the client is supposed to be when he visits the lawyer. Suit-Just about all the personal be- longings you have left when your lawyer gets through with you. Case-Something to be sent to each Jury member when convincing be- comes difficult. "Your Honor"-Something you have to cast aside when you begin dick- ering with lawyers. Lien-How some lawyers get when business gets bad. Bar-A place where all good lawyers get together. Murder-What most lawyers get away with. Stand-What the witnesses do around the courthouse all day. Extradite-Condition of some mem- bers of the bar after a case is won. They come home extradite. * Nudists boiling in the sun Must get slightly overdone. It takes all kinds of people to make a blonde. A man on trial was being exam- ined by a group of alienists. Suddenly one doctor jumped up and shouted at him: "Quick, how many feet has a centi- pede?" The man came back in a dry, dry voice: "Humph, is that all you have to worry about?" Chesterfield Cigarettes "Our friends got so tired of home movies we had to pit in binuo!" MR. MOTTO GOES CRAZY "Be sure you are right then go ahead." "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." "Your face tells what you are." "Looks are deceiving." "Fine feathers make fine birds." "Don't judge a book by its cover." "Happy the wooing that's not long a'doing." "Marry in haste, repent at leisure." "Where there is no knowledge, there is no sin." "Ignorance of the law is no excuse." "Don't lock the stable door after the horse is stolen." "Better late than never." "Two heads are better than one." "Too many cooks spoil the broth." "An eye for an eye." "Return good for evil." "The more the merrier." "Two's company, three's a crowd." "All things come to him who waits." "Time and tide wait for no man." "Every man for himself." "In union there is strength." "A rolling stone gathers no moss." "A roving bee gathers the honey." "Absence makes the heart grow fon- der." "Out of sight, out of mind." "Look before you leap." "He who hesitates is lost." "Revenge is sweet." "Return good for evil." THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE The arena was jammed. All lights except the big one shining down into the ring were out. The two giants again tried to get a finishing hold on each other, but neither was very success- ful. They kept bouncing and mauling each other around the ring. The match was nearing its time limit, and the crowd, to a man, was backing the light-skinned wrestler, an ex-All- American tackle, as he got a strange hold on his opponent. "Kill the foreigner! Pin him! Rip him to pieces!" yelled the crowd. "Pin him! Pin him!" The Greek, a champion in his own country, was game but he couldn't stand the pace. The favorite picked him up and slammed him to the ground, quickly falling on him and pinning the Greek's shoulders to the mat. Pandemonium broke loose as the referee went down on his knees to make sure the Greek's shoulders were touching the canvas. "Them foreigners can't come here an' lick us Americans!" a shrill-voiced ringsider yelled, voicing the opinion of the entire crowd. The referee raised the American's arm in token of victory. "Donsickabel- liorato wins!" he announced. "S as in Sacrilegious, C as in Chastity, R as in Righteousness, A as in Affable, M as in Mannerism. Scram, ya mug! Scram!" Showme Show "Our boy Bartles" as he is known to the boys of the Cross was heard of during the holidays as coming home just in the nick of time. His home town flame just dropped her running mate so he could get mar- ried. Bartles stepped in and entertained Helen and several other Sigs, including the family of Tlapek, all of St. Mary's and fine people. Latest date news-What in the world were Dick Reed and Mary Ellen Reyburn doing in the dark room of the Missourian? on the night of . .Smiley Martha Jane Meyers reports that she and an- other Delta Delta Delta (there are three) were caught robbing the icebox of, of, of GRAPENUTS. Juliet Mayfield, Pi Phi transfer from Arkansas U., got a diamond for Christmas from a former Sig Chi at Illinois. She says it'll be Loh- engrin and middle aisles for them come June . . . . . A Chi O stag party at the Muehlebach Grill re- fused dates one Saturday afternoon. Dial 3156, Mar- tha Cramer, for further details. Marian Williams, KKG from Washington U., came all the way to Columbia for the last Acacia dance. Looks as if P. C. McMillan is losing interest in the Women's Student Government Association. The Kappa Sigs threw a stag party in St. Louis over the vacation that was a riot, to say the least. The Student never did pick up that "Butch" Schmidt, Acacia, was pinned to Margaret Spruce, Christian. Mount Oread, K. U., was mighty cold on Dec. 26. Helen Matson, Delta Gam, is out of circulation. We S.A.E. a man in the picture. Ken Krakauer, Zeta Beta Tau prexy, will soon put out the jeweled emblem on Nan Hyman, unless she is already under-wearing it. Lawrence "Si" Strouse will not make up with his ex-pinee, Babette Strasburger. Some say that it is a sudden reawakening Northwestern romance; her name, ah . a Stephens lassie of last year. Irwin Tober, Zete pledge, is playing on the varsity of Lois Gilbert, Stephens. She thinks he's awfully cute for a freshman and besides, she might be without a date some time. Arnold Robinson, Norfolk lad, spent real money saying very little of importance via phone to Margy Rosen this Christmas. Short short: Three men, Medarts, New Year Eve, DeVilbiss, and hamburgers. The three Acacia "H's," Harlan Keirsey-Haskell Tison-Harry Beltzizg, "celebrated" after the Wash- ington U. game at the Coronado Coal Hole. "Once Over Lightly" at the Princeton Triangle Club saw Caroline Woerheide, Delta Gamma, with date whom the Missouri Student would be at loss to explain. Also there included Charlie Walker, Sigma Chi; Mary Timberman, Read Hall; Bud Orf and Webster Groves date. Mizzou hearts would cry trea- son if we mentioned names of dates with foresaid. Jane Burr, Delta Gam, and Eleanor Noxon, whose Tri Delt fame the campus remembers vivid- ly, were at the housewarming of a friend at Clayton, Mo. Helen Davis, A.D. Pi, was two- ing it by herself at the Steeplechase Bar, Hotel Chase, during the early part of New Year Eve. The Mintner-Lanser combina- tion acted as host during the early part of an Acacian New Year's Eve party that must have something judging by the complete lack of memory except bot- tles. "They tell us that we had a wonderful time," say Monroe, Lowry, Hildreth, et al. Now that Student Editor Bill Macklin has be- come the Columbia AP and will no longer have a great deal of time to devote to his dirt sheet we shudder to think of what depths it will undoubtedly fall to. . Some time when you have a lot of time and want to hear a good story you might ask Sig Eps Renneau Ross and Jack Blair about their amazing careers as leaders of a notorious crime band--or something. . And AGD Pauline Stockwell has been keeping her sisters in an uproar with her detailed plans for a wed- ding next month- . To you my lads and lassies, we wish a most suc- cessful final season-and if you do flunk out of school (Continued on Page 21) page fifteen .THIS MONTH'S by HOUSTON COX WALLY NIELSEN-Brilliant lad-Last month topped off successful col- lege career by winning Rhodes Scholarship-One of four lucky men surviving local, state, and district examinations-Leaves for England October-Hopes to enter Trinity College (Oxford University-to study economics-Previously has won Rollin's Scholarship here-for outstanding junior in Arts and Science- Is president of business honorary: Alpha Kappa Psi-Member of Phi Beta Kap- pa--Junior and Senior five-Phi Eta Sigma, scholarship-Alpha Pi Zeta, social science honorary-Omicron Delta Kappa, general honorary-Accounting Club- Chosen among Who's Who of American Colleges and Universities-Played on championship intramural football team past three years-Went to quarter-finals in golf this year-Likes to date, preferably Stephens-Doesn't like college humor mags (ouch) Mickey Mouse is favorite actor-Pi K. A. social frat. BOB BLACK-Organizer deluxe!-first man in years to unite powerful independent vote in general election-With it gained Presidency of Student Body last spring-Not the typical politician at all-Enjoys browsing thru "Spoon River Anthology"-Thinks its portraits both beautiful and powerful-also likes Channing Pollock-Gets kick out of reading law-Entered law school this year -plans to practice-Graduated from Arts and Science last June-Played polo four years-Debating was favorite activity-Laid out of college between sophy and junior years-during which worked for Warner Bros. publicity dept.-Likes sea food, scalloped oysters in particular-Likes intelligent girls with personality and standard of vaules-Actor and actress: Walter Pidgeon and Olivia de Havi- land-Is Sig Alf. JOHN GARDNER-Likable Journalism School president-Won position with usual close margin last fall over news-major opponent-Is Blue Key man- Scabbard and Blader first two years-Captain in ROTC ditto-Belongs to Alpha Delta Sigma, professional advertising frat-played on frosh baseball team-Won matches in Golden Gloves tourney as soph-Likes popular fiction-Thought "You Can't Take it With You" best show of '38-Fav't actor and actress: Wil- liam Powell and Myrna Loy--Once spent ten months in CCC camp-When it comes to food it's Ice Cream for John-Doesn't particularly like to study- Prefers good-looking tall women but all of 'em are-"A pleasant luxury but not a necessity"-Not in love-Would like to go into promotional line of advertis ing on graduation this June-Social frat: Sigma Nu. BOB GEAUQUE-Pronounced "Gee-ahk"-Call him Bob-President of Engine School here-Will graduate in mechanical engineering this June-Mem- ber of A. S. M. E.-also Pi Tau Sigma, mechanical engineer honorary--Worked on "Shamrock" staff (magazine) and was business manager last year-Was Chairman of "Hallowe'en" and "St. Pat's" dance committees last year-Played in University Band as frosh and soph-Is Pi K. A.-former pledgemaster and so- cial chairman-Photography is hobby-Would like to go on with schooling, but may work a year before studying for masters-Dates generally but has that certain girl in background-Liked "Dawn Patrol" best of recent movies-Reads a lot in his field-Has worked out and had published a "psychometric chart" for figuring amount of coils needed in air conditioning installations. CROP OF HOTSHOTS Caricatures by MURRAY AMPER and VIC TAKE DOROTHY McINTIRE-Prominent Hendrix Hall independent-Has been with Hendrix for four years-Elected President of Hall for '37-'38-Is St. Louis gal-Now a senior in Journalism School-ad major-Is member of Gamma Alpha Chi, honorary ad sorority--Plays on Hendrix basketball team-Went in for Bur- rall Class first two years-Member of YWCA-Likes Spencer Tracy and Loretta Young-"You Can't Take It With You" her fav't movie of 1938-Picks prose over poetry for reading-modern novelist: Sinclair Lewis-Palate tickler is fillet of sole (fish, you mug)-Is now planning to try out for Vogue's "Pris de Paris" -Winner receives six months in Paris and six in New York office-Some sort of ad work her ambition-working either for magazine or big company--Likes her men with brains in the head rather than rhythm in the feet-But loves dancing. JEANETTE ARMENTROUT-Stephens biggie-yep, sister of Beta Bill here-Is President of Burrall-and one of most active in years, according to reports-Sits on Legislature at Stephens as non-voting member-Member Ath- letic Association by virtue of fencing-belongs to "O Musica" club-Is Kappa Alpha Phi-Member of Phi Theta Kappa, scholarship honorary-favorite sports are swimming, tennis, badminton-Enjoys acting of Ronald Coleman and Helen Hayes-Frequently reads "Forum" and "Readers Digest"-Loves to sip hot- cholocate-Goes out a lot but never head over heels in love-Would like to attend Stanford U. next year-Interested in personnel work in business or edu- cation-Plays piano as hobby. "TEENY" DUFFY-Screwiest little Irishman in Columbia town-but plen- ty of sense-President of Campus Service Board at Stephens-therefore sits on Legislature as voting (and voluble) member-Member of Tau Sigma Tau, art honorary-From Louisville, Ky.-and rides hosses in shows like true Derby City gal-also swims-Social sorority is Theta Tau Omega-Is Cheerleader for Senior Class-Member of "Prince of Whales Club"-and dopiest dope I ever interviewed-She won't sit still-scratches-itches, too, I reckon-Plans to go on 9-month tour of globe on graduation-Then probably back to college-Likes Ogden Nash and his doggyral-Dates: when she feels like it-ha!.-Likes Janet Gaynor and Tyronne Power-Plays the field with men-frat pins are out- Vivid personality, whew! MARGARET ANN SPORE-President of Senior class at Christian-hails from Clinton, Mo.-Interested muchly in art-Member of Phi Delta Delta, art honorary-Goes in for fencing club-made team this year-also draws a mean bow-Member of central governing body, Student Council-Would like to come to Mizzou next year and study art-Plans to be interior decorator-For hobby collects dogs-China pups-Has 'em from half-inch high to two feet-"But they keep me awake nights yapping," she says-Has never been in love--But loves to square off with a big, juicy beefsteak-Loves to dance-Sketch: Brown hair, blue green eyes, medium, cute-Choses modern novel for reading--Thought "The Yearling" one of interesting books of 1938-Screen favorites are Bet Davis and Melvyn Douglas. Showme Movies MOVIE CRYSTAL BALL KENTUCKY In every day parlance Kentucky is associated with beautiful women, race horses, and feuding. The film "Kentucky" will have something to do with all three. Loretta Young, featured in the picture, has never looked more breathtakingly beautiful before. The man in her mind is Richard Greene. Walter Brennan will have an important role as will Karen Morley, Russel Hicks, Charles Waldron, Moroni Olson, and Douglas Dumbrille. "Kentucky" will be the first Twentieth Century- Fox production in color, and David Butler, who turned out the successful "Straight, Place, and Show," is di- recting. IDIOT'S DELIGHT Clark Gable and Norma Shearer will play the leading characters in the screen version of the play which won the Pulitzer prize. Robert E. Sherwood, noted for the manner in which he creates vivid char- acters, pointed dialogue and swift action, wrote the much discussed play. The plot combines all the elements of a romantic love story, a theatre life comedy, and a war melodrama. The locale shifts from Omaha to Europe, where Gable is touring with his musical show. Gable sings and dances in "Idiot's Delight." Among supporting stars are Edward Arnold, Jos- eph Schildkraut, Burgess Meredith, Charles Coburn, and Skeets Gallagher. ZAZA The stars of "Zaza," Claudette Colbert and Her- bert Marshall, have been principals in some of the screen's most entertaining pictures. The locale is in Paris where Claudette Colbert will be seen in the role of a fiery, lovable favorite of the French music halls. Marshall is a man of position in the business world. They fall in love and she is about to quit the stage but she learns that he is mar- ried and a father. She sends him away, but he comes back later offering her his life and fortune. Principal supporting players are Bert Lahr, Con- stance Collier, Genevieve Tobin, and Walter Catlett. THAT CERTAIN AGE "That Certain Age" is the fourth picture to come from the remarkable singing youngster, Deanna Dur- bin. Three songs were penned for the star; they are "My Own," "Be a Good Scout," and "You're as Pretty as a Picture." Deanna, as a 15-year-old girl, undergoes her first pangs of schoolgirl romance, and the plot is more comedy than any other of the previous stories, but it has the heart-interest and stirring emotional qualities which have distinguished all of her pictures. The brilliant cast includes Melvyn Douglas, Jackie Cooper, Irene Rich, Jackie Searle, Juanita Quigley, and John Halladay. COLLEGE THEATRE COMPANY page eighteen "No, I simply could not be bothered turning that thing every time the wind changed." Seen on the marquee of a Scotch Movie House: SIMON TWO SIDES TO IT "Hello, Harry. Just ran across Jack Walls a half hour ago. He's doing publicity for the Topper hats now." "That's so? Why it seems only a little while that Jack was boosting the easy-to-break-in shoes." "Yeah? Well, when my wife met Jack's brother a couple of months ago, he told her that Jack had just got through publicizingtheLyceum Movie Theatre, and was going to take up with the Austin Restaurants." "Poor Jack! Can't stick to one thing very long, can he? Why in the last six months-to my own knowledge-he's done publicity for Ye Fink Beauty Shoppe, Dodo Yo-Yus, O'Malley Type Shops, Up and Down Radio Repair Service, and Syncopated Bingo, In- corporated." "Trouble with Jack is that he's a mooner when he's supposed to be on the job. You're just as likely to find him gazing for an hour at a time in some pipe store window or at a steam- shovel operator doing his stuff." "Sure! That's just why Jack can't hold on to a job. You can't blame the people for whom he works. They ex- pect a man to keep continually on the move, so both sides of the sandwich board will be displayed!" A GOOD BUY When your friend calls to your attention that he has a new suit on, remember that he thinks it's the best buy any- one has ever made. Therefore, it's up to you to fit your re- marks to his attitude. The following well-chosen words will do the trick as they, in a way, give your real opinion, yet are guaranteed not to offend. "Not a bad suit at all-for the money. Don't look bad, either. Lots of them being sold. Of course, the goods won't hold up so long, but with a tailor on every block, you're really taking no chances. "But you'll get your money's worth out of it. That is if you take good care of the suit. Whatever you do, don't go out in the rain with it. That is, if you don't want the pants to shrink up like knickers. "Yep, you got a nice suit there. You'll get your wear out of it, and in a month, you can sell it to our old-clothes man. "Well, so-long; wear it well." * THE PERFECT HUSBAND -Is one who blackens his wife's eyes and then buys her a veil. -Is one who pays his alimony regularly. -Is one who will never strike his wife except for a loan. "I don't remember." "Then you take the left fold and simply join them with a safety pin like this." CAMPUS BROMIDE "No, sir, we're not rooming together any more. No, noth- ing happened. We just thought it was for the best. Can you imagine a guy who refused to look for a collar button be- cause it gave him the creeps? Well, that was my roommate. And absent minded-every time he knocked the ashes out of his pipe, he'd yell, "Come in." He was just the type of a fellow who, sitting in the audience, would sing when the organist asked him to. And was he conceited! If he was half the man he thinks he is, he'd be twins. Besides that, you couldn't go near him. He was so ticklish he almost went crazy trying to fall asleep in a feather bed. And on top of this, he was afraid of his own shadow. He's so yellow they had to give him a blood transfusion from a grapefruit. And tight, why one day he dropped a nickel in a vacant lot, and two hours later he struck oil. None of these things really bothered me, but when he tried to break up the cold I had in my head-with a hammer, I thought we'd better call the whole thing off. I'm living alone and liking it." A FRIEND IN DEED I am a College Professor, and there- fore, I don't have many friends - at least no real ones. That's what makes this all so surprising. Oscar Twerp, without doubt, is the strangest person I have ever met. Take for instance the time I absent-mind- edly walked across the track field and was hit by a javelin. It was Oscar who came tearing through the crowd be- side the coach and doctor, and with the tenderness of a baby lifted me into the emergency stretcher. Then, there was the time, right be- fore the big football game, when the star, a 270-pound guard, pinned me against the wall and asked me whether he passed or not. I remember standing there for over an hour trying to get up enough courage to tell him the sad truth. And then Oscar appeared, took me in hand, and showed me how in- advisable it was to risk death. I passed the guard and got a new start on life. Then for four years I didn't see anything of Oscar. Finally, I had com- pleted plans for my sabatical leave and was ready to embark on the Queen Susie Q for Europe when an ex- cited Oscar Twerp hopped out of a taxi, grabbed me by the arm off the gangplank. He pleaded and argued against my taking such a foolhardy trip. You know the rest. The boat sank on the way over. Since then, Oscar and I have be- come good friends. And, by the way, I now remember where I first saw him. He's the fellow who sold me that life insurance policy in 1925. "Hilton, you've got my bath too cold again!" SHOWME SHOW (Continued from Page 15) don't forget to have your Showme subscription trans- ferred to someone.who will be with us next semester. The much-publicized pinning of Sig Chi Lackey Johnson and AGD Pollyanna Nichols finally came to pass just before the holidays . . . . . Congratulations and stuff to grid star Lowell Pickett and his new bride-the former Mary Whiteside -of shag fame . Also to Laura Lou Maxwell- who said a woman couldn't keep a secret? . Sally Rand-the strip arteaser-is cousin to Bar- bara Hawley, Life's choice for honors last year . . . Babs is one of the major reasons for the thirty odd (and we do mean odd) beauty parlors in Columbia . .she isn't content with just moving her hair up and down . . . no, she has to go in all directions with it. Katie Merrill Smith-kin of John Dos Passos, author of some of the best-including "U. S. A." . . . Katie admits most of the stuff is beyond her pretty blond head . . . so she just never reads it! The late Kingfish Huey P. Long, former Louisiana big gun, and Martha Hunt, diminutive Workshopper in "George and Margaret," are uncle and niece . Attention Missourian, Tribune and Student- Martinelli is "the leading tenor in the Metropolitan Opera" . . . Martini is just a young tenor at the Met. One ex-Phi Phi prexy may graduate. The Haw- thorne . . . daughter of the Mexico Superintent of schools is working on extension courses . . . we'd say they were extended . . . fifth year but she's still going strong. Bob Holliday, wedded A & S'er, will be the fourth in line in his family to become a minister . . . Bob shares honors with his father . . . his grand- father . . . and his great grandfather. A handclap for Nadine Guernsey, the Kansas gal who has the prettiest hands and olive complexion we've seen on the campus . . . also Stephens notes -those velvet dresses under the 90 degree Missouri sun are tough on the lookers-on, if not for you. Haven't they taught you gals that green eye shadow in the day time is like a hangover Monday morning at the 18 Club? About the story that a suit and cloak salesman in K C. some forty odd summers old had a picture of a Stephens gal in a typical two for a franc photo -the gal turned out to be a demure kid with a steady in the U. He's an enginue. FAST ENOUGH Mother: "Now, remember, while I'm away dear, that if you pet and drink and smoke, men will call you fast." Sweet young thing: "Yes, indeed, just as fast as they can get to a telephone!" -Pell-Mell BRENDA COMES OUT By Phil Dessauer Oh, let's sing of Brenda Diana Duff Frazier, Whose debut broke into the "four hundred's" leisure; Her set-up astounded the swank savoir-faire set- She wouldn't "come out" in an upsweeping hair-set! The soiree attracted the cream of society; The best of dead-enders; no room for small fry-ety. They all came in tails, including detectives Whose Sherlocking courses gave waltzing electives! Elite was the gathering of big-towners swanked-up, But drink soon brought down all the swains who were tanked up. By morning, cham-pagnes in the heads of the stag line Compelled them to enter the ranks of the pag-line. Snow White has a rival in our little Brenda, Who lifted the lid on the social agenda; And though she has neither Prince Charming nor mid- gets, Who else has a bill for a dance in five digits? "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Well do you blame him, sir?" "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Who do you think you are, J. Reid?" "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Yes, this is the Sigma Chi house." "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Just look at them muscles." "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." "Oh, that's right-it's Friday." "Waiter, there are boxing gloves in my soup." "Yes, this is the training table." "Waiter, there's a hair in my honey." "Yes, it must have come from the comb." Hidden from the rest of the world by a honeysuckle vine they sat at Lover's Leap in the moon- light - alone. No word broke the still- ness for half an hour until. . "Suppose you had money," she whis- pered, "what would you do?" He threw out his chest in all the strong glory of young manhood. "I'd travel." He felt her warm young hand slide into his. When he looked up and she had gone. In his hand was a quarter! page twenty-one The Jacqueline Shop page twenty-two FACTS OF LIFE (Continued from Page 3) The color began to flow back into the faces of those whose faces it had left. A concerted sigh of relief sounded in the tense air. Some of the girls looked at each other and blushed. The Professor coughed be- hind his hand and looked around the room. "Now," he said, picking up his books, "are there any questions?" There was a moment of utter sil- ence. "Yes," sobbed the little girl in the front seat, as all eyes turned to her. "What is it?" Prof. Chrysalis smiled encouragingly. "Don't be afraid. You're with friends." "Where," sobbed the little girl in the front seat, "Where in the hell do babies come from?" "What makes people walk in their sleep?" "Twin beds." -Virginia Spectator He: "Do you know that you look like Helen Brown?" She: "Well, I look even worse in red." The average man is proof enough that a woman can take a joke. Sign in a Boston library: Low Conversation Permitted. On getting a husband, if at first you don't succeed, try, try a gun STULLKEN- ELLIS, INC DIXIE CAFE DROP INN SANDWICH SHOP MISSOURI DRUG BASKETBALL (Continued from Page 10) ever produced. In three years of high school competition he averaged 19.7 points a game. Graduation last spring took an all-American guard, Fred Pralle, but his running mate, Dick Harp, may win the same high honors that Pralle did. If Harp is not an all- American guard this season, there will be a large number of disap- pointed fans in Lawrence. The other two regulars returning from last years' team are Don Eb- ling, forward, and George Golay, forward. Ebling, whose brother Ray was an all-American, is a star in his own right. Don was the Jay- hawks' second high scorer last sea- son. Golay, all-state center in his high school days at Warrensburg, is expected to have his greatest season this year. Golay is 6'3 1/2" tall and a powerhouse. Other lettermen on the squad are Lyman Corlis, guard; Loren Florell, forward; Bruce Reid, for- ward; Lester Kappelman, center; Carl Johnson, forward; Fen Dur- and, guard; and Wayne Nees, guard. Best of the sophomores are How- ard Engleman, forward; Bob Al- len, center or guard; Bruce Voran, center; John Kline, forward; and Bill Hogben, center. Engleman scored 16 points against the fresh- men in the opening game of the season. When basketball is mentioned in connection with Kansas State Col- lege, you look in the lower levels of the Big Six conference standings for the Wildcats' rating. But for a well-drilled, scrapping perform- ance you'll find none better than when Coach Frank P. Root's quin- tets take the hardwood court. The Wildcats have long been recognized as the hard luck team of the conference. Root, as well versed in the game as any mentor in the loop, is forced to face torrid competition with lads who were not stars in high school and whose greatest forte is a flaming competi- tive spirit which makes up, in part, for their lack of brilliant ability. Last year the squad's luck hit an all-time low. The Wildcats aver- aged ten or more shots per game over their opponents and yet were able to win but three contests in the circuit. Those tries at the bas- ket weren't blind stabs in the dark or spectacular efforts with one chance in a thousand to hit. Root has plays built on a solid funda- mental foundation which cannot be stopped short of the free throw circle. If the team had been play- ing beneath the arctic lights of the Klondike its shooters could not have been so "cold" as the exhibi- tion they gave last year. This year's squad finds three of last season's performers who vow they'll put the ball through the hoop or have the oval enlarged un- til the sphere will knot the netting. Leading the Wildcats into battle is Homer Wesche, a former Manhat- tan high school star and all-Big Six center last year. Tall and agile, Homer combines his speed and bas- ketball knowledge to become a pow- er on offense and a strong defensive performer. Co-Op Store CAMPUS TOGGERY & BARBER SHOP page twenty-three "Boy, look at that dame! Why do they streamline 'em that way?" "To overcome resistance." -Pointer "Jones feels badly about having twins. He only wanted one child." "Well, who do you expect? He married a tele- phone operator. They always give the wrong number." -Punch Bowl "Waiter, there's a bee bothering me." "What's the matter, have you got hives?" "Why does Geraldine let all the boys kiss her?" "She once slapped a lad who was chewing to- bacco." -Urchin Co-ed-We must be getting home. We girls are out after hours. Soph-We're out after ours, too. -Mis-A-Sip They're picking up his pieces With a dustpan and a rake, Because he grabbed a silken knee When he should have grabbed the brake. -Punch Bowl SIN TOO? Mr. Keith: John, tell me about the French syntax. John: Gosh, I didn't know they had to pay for their fun. They sat alone in the moonlight; She soothed his troubled brow. "Dearest, I know my life's been fast, But I'm on my last lap now!" CHAPMAN CLEANERS PHILIPS AND COMPANY FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT page twenty-four Millers Camel Cigarettes