Missouri Showme April, 1939 Missouri Showme April, 1939 2008 1939/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show193904

Missouri Showme April, 1939; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1939

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Missouri Showme Politics Spring Styles Pictures Campus Life Humor APRIL 1939 Fifteen Cents Lucky Strike Cigarettes Spring-loveliest of seasons-finds nature and hearts in tune. Trees wake from a peaceful winter's sleep. Flowers vie with one another to be more gay-more joyous. Even the air, warm and balmy, harks of a new season filled with romance. The sky is clear and painted with a new and richer blue. Spring is truly the dawning of a new year. Look for Uncle Tom Pendergast to send talent scouts down from Kansas City to look over this year's crop of campus politicians in action on election day, April 21. Actually, some M. U. politicos have gone on to be big names in Jefferson City, and some of our campus contemporaries are no pikers. This spring's campaign reduces down to just this: The Haves or Union-Independent Party will go to any extreme to stay in power, and the Have-Nots or Missouri Party will use any strategy or travel under any colors to get into power. After being caught off base last year by smart Politician Black, the Big Greeks, kit and caboodle of the Missouri Party, got down to some early and hard work this spring. Politically wise boys fig- ured somehow or other they would have to crack Black's nest-egg of Independent votes. Head-guy Harry Thompson knew his most fertile block of organized Inde- pendent votes lies in the Ag School. After consulting the three Ag fraternities the Missouri Party asked Chauncy Stanberry, Grad- uate Ag student, to carry their hot torch. Chauncy, College Avenue said, would deliver enough Independent votes to overcome the opposition. Stanberry is well liked by his far- mer friends, and they will vote for him. But some Ags are grumb- ling because they think Stanberry is merely stooging for College and Rollins Avenues. Nevertheless, he's an Ag, and the bumpkins will vote for him, by golly. Stanberry will probably be the only Independent on the Missouri Party ticket, because there is a lot of gravy to go around to a lot of houses, some slightly dissatisfied. The Union-Independents are hold- Heigho-Ho The Rat Race ing a few plums open for any house that's willing to come over, and it's not unlikely that a few houses will find better pickins with the U-I's. BETTING ODDS Figures for Showme's an- nual Presidential Poll, mod- eled after the Literary Di- gest and now copied from the Showme by the Stoodent, have just come in from the stuffed ballot boxes. They show each candidate's popu- larity running neck and neck, but don't worry, things don't look Black. The Tabulation Stanberry ------- 2. % Bidstrup ------- 2. % Roosevelt -------- 90. % Middlebush------ .05% Hitler __ _------- .00% Hedy Lamar ------100. % Humidity -------36. % Meanwhile, the strategy of Black & Co. is to lie low, wait for the Missouri Party to show all their cards, and then to trump a few of their aces. This technique has already caused their biggest sorority house, Delta Gamma, to go over to the other side. This move was neatly maneuvered by several D.G.'s who pointed out "the greater social prestige of belonging to the Missouri Party." Because of law worries, love life, and his unpopularity in some quarters, Black is not taking an active part in his party's affairs this year. The party which he so by Prof. Ratshaw brilliantly created last year is now actively headed by Independ- ent Bob Wollard, not so dumb himself. His party wheelhorses are Charles Underwood, Walt Keil, Jim Ridgeway, and George Olcott. The Little Greek-Independent party members don't appear wor- ried, claiming all the time that they have plenty of tricks to show Thompson & Friends. If they have any Aces they're not playing them. Maybe they don't have any, but Missouri Partyers wonder if the Election Board to be named by Black is one of them. Lo, the poor Independents; they don't know what to think. Both sides claim they are the champions of the Independent cause. The Missouri Party bunch can hardly point to those four fat years when they were in power and gave the Independents practically nothing. The Union-Independent gang can claim that their one year was truly an equal representation of small houses and Independents. The Independents can pick the lesser evil, whichever that is. Not one to let a party name handicap them, the Missouri Party thoughtfully adopted the name of the old Ag party, Independent Coalition Party. A piece in a little-read (or Red) weekly publi- cation quoted Boss Thompson as saying the Missouri Party is dead. Somebody should bury it before it starts stinking. The Union-Independents will run Dudley Bidstrup of Home- coming and debate fame as presi- dent, leaving vice-president open until the last minute to crack the Ags or Engineers. Secretary- Treasurer will go to an Indepen- dent girl. Little Greeks will squabble for half the senate seats, the other half going to Independ- ents. Little Greeks complain they are having a hard time getting on (Continued Page 28) No Matter Which Party Wins- The Independents Get It in Th' Neck Page Two Old Gold Cigarettes L. Heller and Son, Inc. FAMOUS LAST WORDS Stand by for important denouncements. Sign here. With or without onions? I think I've made myself perfectly clear. A rejection does not necessarily imply a lack of literary merit. Well, as I always say, life is a funny proposition no matter how you take it. Don't be silly, officer, somebody put that bottle in my car for a joke. Shall we sit this one out? Of course, I believe you, dear, only your story sounds a little far-fetched. The only reason I keep the wedding ring in my handbag, dearie, is because I'm afraid I might lose it. Count your change. You wait here while I play another hand to get even. I didn't pass out-I was just resting my eyes. All I did was shave my legs with your razor. I read that mystery story-I'll tell you who killed him. But then I was only a girl when I married. You're a tolerant man-so listen to my side of the story. On with the dance. Let's just act as if nothing happened. Wash the dishes, big boy! I had a hard day at the office, too. Your baby's very pretty. Does she look like any of the family? Tears won't get you nowhere with me, baby. I may be crazy, but I ain't no fool! I hid your present, dearie, and I can't remember where I put it. Case dismissed. Put it away and forget about it. Quiet, please. If you've got anything to say, say it to me. After all! I thought you told me your wife was an invalid. Any questions? What a pretty dress! But satin does make one look fat. You can't cut my salary. It won't be patriotic. I sent you that check all right-it must have been lost in the mail. You're only young once. I won't call a cab. baby, a brisk walk will do us good. Tune in at this same time tomorrow. Pass the hat. Cheese it, the cops. But I thought you liked me because I was such a plain spoken guy, dear. Collegiate A: That chap over there uncovered a rich vein yesterday. Collegiate: B: Is he a prospector? Collegiate A: No, he sold a pint of blood to the hospital for $25. When women go wrong, men go right after them. "There's something about our child that is dove-like." "Yeh. He's pigeon-toed." Daughter: "Has my mail come yet?" Mother: "Daughter, you must stop using that terrible slang." Boy Friend: Everything I touch seems to go wrong lately. Girl Friend: Then keep your hands off of me until we're mar- ried. -Wampus Whatever happened to the little girl in the cotton stockings? Nothing. -Drexerd He: Do you know the secret of popularity ? She: Yes, but my mother said I mustn't. ODE TO RED FLANNELS All of spring's historic annals Show no case where two-legged mammals Had the sense to wear their flannels Right up into May! March and April's arctic breezes Fan the coeds' purple kneeses, Start a hundred million sneezes By the bare display. Weather-trusting college Joses Go beer-busting, get red noses, More from shirtless, shortless clothes, Than from filthy brew. Gals too early hide their snuggies, Woolen skirts, and red fox chubbies, Hatless ride in horseless buggies, Then come down with flu. People are such crazy creatures! Spring's not all golf-course and bleachers, Blanket parties can be freezers In an April rain! Worse than pitching woo off-season Is the darned fool stripped of reason Who goes swimming with ice freezing Round his balmy brain! When you Jellies catch pneumonia, Just remember that I told you, Summer's undies that enfold you, Won't keep colds away! Go on! Rush the spring, you Ghandies! Wear your ankle-sox and scanties! But I'll keep my woolen panties Scratching me 'till May! HELL! IT'S SPRING by C. V. Wells Bob Richards Page Five Tried on the embossed soup bowl with the snipe feathers, the bunch of grapes and old curtain on a doilie, and the pillbox with a potted plant on each side (ever- blooming). But somehow this hat looked like me! Mg It was shaped like a coal buck- et with a strip of linoleum around the middle and the American flag hanging down the back. I bought it. Positive there was nothing like it this side of Vogue. Only difficulty lay in getting the bucket handle under my chin. Wore it to try out its pedestrian appeal. Very successful. Hat stopped people dead in their tracks-which I had formerly done with my face. Got the biggest reception on street corners. Jellies not only whistled but gave me the flag sa- lute. Policeman stopped traffic when I crossed the intersection. Asked me how long it would be before the rest of the parade came by. Was walking quietly along thinking how well my new sole- less shoes would match the lino- leum on my hat when car stop- ped me. Young man in swimming trunks and pajama top asked did I want a lift to the party. Couldn't see him very well because my myopia was eclipsed by the brim of my coal bucket. But he looked like my zoo teacher. And I believe in shining the apple whenever I'm near an orchard. So I climbed in. Could see we were evidently not dress- ing. Was glad I had something new for the party though. Told him I thought I was flunking zoo. He said not to worry-even if I flunk- ed out nobody would recognize me in that hat. Hard-Time Stopped before a fraternity house with lights on all three floors and a canopy over the chaperons. House so crowded we pushed three people out the back door as we came in the front. Orchestra sat tight and jammed in one corner. Musicians so close together the drummer played six instruments himself every time he turned his head. Trombone player was aiming out the win- dow to keep from stabbing the dancers. Everybody dressed in awful clothes! Didn't recognize anybody dancing, and only half those on the floor. We mangled a dozen people getting to the large punch bowl -although nobody was around the punch bowl near the chape- rons. Crowd reported punch very excellent. To date, seven teeth and three permanent waves had fallen out. Zoo teacher gave me a glassful. Said he wanted to perform a little experiment on me-he'd heard it hardened the liver. So I raised the handle on my coal bucket and drank it down. When I picked myself up off the floor, the linoleum on my hat was waxed and my American flag half-mast. Just then three people asked me to dance so I danced off in different directions with all three of them. Two ran interference and we shagged right up the stair-case to second floor. A three-ring circus was going on in the hall, with the seven dwarfs juggling glasses, Jesse James and Snow White doing an Party Apache dance, and Mae West giv- ing out passes to the after-show. Everybody there seemed to be in tights-except my zoo teacher's roommate. He wanted to come as Ghandi but didn't have a clean sheet. So he came anyway. Page Six The entertainment committee was mixing punch in the bath tub. The chairman had already fallen in but protested he was very com- fortable and dared anybody to re- move him. Zoo teacher invited me into his room while he selected a more suitable necktie for his bathing suit. Asked me to sit down and after a short struggle I accepted. No wonder they called it a crum par- ty! Someone had been eating crackers in bed! Zoo teacher insisted on talking shop. Asked me if I had ever performed experiment 27. Had to black his eye to convince him I could get somebody's notes on it. Just then six people walked out of the closet and announced there would be a style show down- stairs immediately-a spring showing of nudist suits for town and country. I protested I wasn't in fancy dress. They entered me anyway. Everybody lined up while the judges finished off the punch. What a place to wear a new spring hat! Fellow even asked to borrow it to run out and get some ice! Parlors so crowded when every- one came downstairs that they had to send the chaperons home. I was wedged in between a trump- et player and house boy. Some goon four feet away kept neck- ing me by mistake. Finally slap- ped him and knocked a whole row of people down. Judges eliminated contestants by throwing them through the French windows. And then I was never so insulted in my life! I won! Some judges haven't any taste in hats! I was so mad my American flag positively furled and unfurled! So the band struck up the "Star Spangled Banner" and my zoo teacher requested a "stripe" tease. Threw the cup at him and left. Say-I don't think that was my zoo teacher! by Lucille Gupton First She: "How do you keep the boys from peeking in the key hole?" Second She: "I keep the door open." -Froth Sweet Young Thing: "Have a cigarette?" House Mother: "What? Smoke a cigarette, I'd rather kiss the first man that came along." Sorority Girl: "So would I, but have a cigarette while we're wait- ing." -Rammer Jammer He: "Do you know the differ- ence between being good and be- ing bad?" She: "What's the difference?" He: "That's what I say." -Mis-A-Sip Jack and Jill went up the hill, Upon a moonlight ride. When Jack came back His eye was black. His pal, you see, had lied. --Ranger Clerk, to a suspicious looking couple in the hotel lobby: "I don't believe you people are mar- ried after all." Lady: "Sir, if my husband were only here he would make you swallow those words." -Varieties Mistress: "You know, I suspect my husband has a love affair with his stenographer." Maid: "I don't believe it. You are only saying it to make me jealous." -Mercury "Let me show you something new in a snappy sedan," suggest- ed the salesman. "I don't think you could," she sweetly replied. -Covered Wagon Page Seven THE MISSOURI SHOWME "A Reflection of Modern Campus Thought" J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather BUSINESS MANAGER GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. EDITORIAL BOARD BUSINESS STAFF MAKE-UP STAFF CONTRIBUTORS JOHN HARTZELL Bud Barnes Bob Dimke Phil Dessauer Lucille Gupton CLAUDE RAMSEY Mabel Kinyon Nate Silverman Paul Charles Law James Ragland GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. George Miller Katherine Dougherty Houston Cox Joseph Powers Bob Duncan Nate Silverman ART STAFF ADVERTISING EXCHANGES OFFICE STAFF Bill Freemon Clifton Paisley Charles Greever Vic Take John Jachym Robert Kuelper Patty Veatch Mabel Kinyon Nancy Corsa Murray Amper Roy Moskop Roy Kelly Margaret Eades C. V. Wells PHOTOGRAPHERS Martha Jane Myers William Hartman Dorothy McIntyre Bob Richards Bob Dimke George Olcott Showme's Jester started think- ing about Mizzou traditions the MIZZOU other day. And at first he could re- TRADITIONS member only a- bout the 10,000 Missourians whose parents pledged their "all" beneath the columns. And on second thought he re- members the J-School Bridge, Barnwarmin' and the political e- lections. Of course, reasons the Jester, there's always the J- School lions and the golf course -each traditional in its own little way. But in recent years no new Miz- zou traditions have been started. (Over-looking the pickets.) So, the Jester explains, here's an opportunity for some-one with the path-to-my-door-for-a-geed -mouse-trap complex to do some- thing. Start a good tradition that will last the next century at M. U. Our political reporter isn't mod- est; but wise. So he, too, wanted his name with-held . For, assets our p. r., he has his own future at MU to protect. * * * Gossip writer, petite little-er- (oops, almost gave it away) hints April is providing plenty of am- munition for her stooges. In fact, she advocates a dirt issue. But, we explain, there's already the Stoogent. Anyway watch for fire- works come May's Showme. VOL. VIII APRIL, 1939 NO. 8 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1988 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 18, Walter Williams Hall; office of publication, Stephens Publishing Co., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. Page Eight Showme's Candid Camera Page Nine Page Ten Chesterfield Cigarettes Prince Albert Tobacco THE POISON APPLE "Snow White had a baby." "How come?" "Do you think that all the dwarfs were dopey?" Before the last dwarf was born they gave his mother golden rod - that's how she got Sneezy. Nudist colony theme song: "The Thrill Is Gone." * No matter how bad times are, the Siamese twins can always make ends meet. * Today the zipper is the undoing of the modern girl. Man (in restaurant to waiter): I like weak coffee, but this is helpless. * Look at me-I can't write and I was convicted of forgery-did I have a lousy lawyer. I once met a man who owned a baby tiger that he said would eat off your hand-and he did. Actress Celebrating Silver Anniver- sary.-News item. Married twenty-fifth time, eh? New traffic rules: If you're hit on the white side of the line, it doesn't count. THE ARTIST He lived in an attic of an old, shab- by building in the poorest section of town. There was no steam heat, and the little fire he had built was out. He was very cold, and as he sat by the window, he shivered. His eyes kept wandering; he was hungry. It seemed like years since he had last tasted food. There wasn't a crumb in the house. The broken-down ice box was empty. There wasn't even any ice in it. Must he starve like this-alone and friendless in this cheerless little attic room? Hunger gnawed and gnawed. He looked again. This time he made a complete search of every shelf, the ice-box, and everywhere else. Not a crust. So he went out to a restaurant and ate a big meal. * REINCARNATION Washington came back as a bridge; Lincoln as an auto; Bismarck was a herring, and You as a pain in the neck. Spring Greenspons Beauty Salon DEANS Page Fourteen Spring Headturners Wear the kind of clothes this Spring that will make people turn around and look twice. Make 'em blink their eyes and want to meet you. The colors this season are lus- cious shades of lavender, fuschia, lime. (they used to call it char- treuse!), and a pretty dusty pink. Of course, navy blue and white are always good for the old con servaties, but this is 1939, so let's Be modern and colorful. The best looking outfit we've seen in many a day is that of Kappa Emily Burnett. Lime. flower-covered pill-box and shirt- waist of the same shade. With it. she wears a grey and black plaid coat with a widely flaring skirt. Get dressed up with dots or dash. but have lots of flash (yeh, Winchell ). You can wear a strict- ly tailored suit. yes, but with it a saucy, frothily veiled hat. The Campus Shop has just what you want with flowers, birds, veils, 'n everything. Be impudent, have a flair in your skirts and a curl in your eye- lashes. Greenspons Beauty Shop can ably take care of the curls not only in your eyelashes, but in your hair as well. And they do a very fine job of everything. Let an inmmaculately starched ruffle show beneath your skirt when you walk or dance. The by Mabel Kinyon Tiger Laundry is the place to take your fine things to be cleaned and pressed. They'll keep your ruffles white and your gloves hold- able. For campus wear, have at least one good looking jacket and two skirts and several changes of ac- cessories. Suzannes have a smart collarless jacket striped in rust, brown, and white on a slate back- ground, flecked in dark brown. The accompanying pleated skirt is a matching brown. Being broke when I saw it, I wanted to grab it and run out of the store quick like an Easter bunny, but restrained myself. Jacqueline Shop has just the shoes to wear with this outfit: Toeless, heelless, of the new shade, "Japonica." The best looking pair of shoes on the campus belong to Ruth Schif- flin, Pi Phi. They are of shock- ing pink, with little bows, and are toeless and heelless. Saw a slick looking outfit across the campus the other day: fuschia skirt, chartreuse jacket with a lavender chiffon scarf tucked in the neck. Very tricky and eye- drawing. For fun on a date, grab some- one's car and drive out to Ernie's or Texaco Town for a coke and one of their fine hamburgers. Sort of a back to nature movement. Dean's have some of the cutest sweater and skirt combinations in town. Their windows are al- ways full of smooth colors and darling accessories. Millers Shoe store have all the necessaries for your springy feet. Spectator sport pumps and dressy pumps and sandals for evening. Tlie most important part of every college girl's Spring ward- robe is her' formals. (Continued on Page 18.) Suzanne's Join in the Swing THE FAD OF THE LAND -The Parade Drags On- (Although we personally contend this selection shows up the Ogden Nash in us, Others seem prone to suggest it merely brings out the literary hash in us.) I At the outset of these brief fashion analyses Let it be our purpose to dispell one of the season's time-worn fallacies. We care little for tearing established ideas asunder. But clothes no longer make the man-they merely make him wonder. And those poor unfortunate masculines with wives Do especially fear for their financial lives. For many a man, upon noting his wife's new trap- pings, and seeing in his mind's eye the bills for 'em, Well knows he doesn't have even mills for 'em. And so, while much of the season's trouble may be laid in the lap of the bunny, It's really the man, in the end, who is left clutch- ing the gunny. And this is the reason that many a man who might otherwise be top-or straw-hatted, derbied or even beret-ed. May put in his appearance bare-headed in the Eas- ter parade! Page Sixteen II Having finished out introductory critique, Let's look at the items themselves, to see just what it is that makes them eligible for the adjec- tive "chic." Let's look at the figures already arrayed In the best they can find for the Easter parade. With a glance at all the pre-season finery- The best in nineteen thirty-ninery- We can preview the work of those Hollywood styl- ists Who perhaps merit better the nomen of "guile- ists." III While it's true that men don't know much about what women are wearing, Inasmuch as they form most of their judgment by standing on street corners and staring, There's still no denyin' The gals do the buyin', Even tho some of their effects sartorial Have a color aspect rather arboreal. (That one over there, for example, in her attempt to find colors that are faddish, Ias given herself the appearance of a salad-plated radish!) to Spring by John Hartzell IV But now to proceed to particular styles of apparel That keep Milady from Easter parading attired in nothing more clinging than a beer barrel. To begin at the bottom, shoes of the season- For no apparent reason- Are heel-less and toeless, and indeed, almost shoe- less, which, it is argued, saves leather. And which does. But what about wet weather? And who gets the leather that's saved? Is it piled up til the factories are full, And then given back to the bull? In addition, a few junior nincompoops With mental loop-the-loops Have adopted wooden shoes, and you can tell 'em by the clomp, Which suggests a modern dance that might perhaps be called the Flatbush Stomp. Moving a notch higher, we come to the stockings; all the girls, including those of Stephens Col- lege and Mrs. Van Sweringham, Are wearing 'em. This season they're possibly a little louder, but cer- tainly no funnier, And no runnier. Perhaps we may describe the dresses of the day by saying, in brief, They put the stress on bold relief. Brevity, too, is a chief Motif, So that legs will stick out under 'em in batches Like matches. And not the least important is their utter disregard for knees-es, Which will considerably heighten the interest of the lads-about-town in windy days and lusty sneezes! We come last to the subject of hats, a topic which has led many commentators to rant and tear Their hair. This type of histrionics we shall forego, and with merely an allusion to insanity, Pass on to matters which may be discussed with- out recourse to profanity. . V Before we come to the end of our feminine fashion exhibit- Permit us to quietly and lib it- That if you like your parading in terms of action rather than speech, Brother, don't hang around here-scram out to the beach! Page Seventeen SPRING (Continued from page 14) The are, of course, what we have been waiting for all year. Pretty, naive, and most impor- tant of all, the kind of clothes that boys like best (that is, if they have been telling me the truth!) Huge, gigantic, postively enor- mous skirts, puffy sleeves, and slim, slim waists. Fredendalls have exactly the dress to fit into this mood. It's turquoise, the big skirt is made up of lace and net godets. The bodice is tight, and all lace, the sleeves demurely puffed. It looks like a sweet dream and a pretty girl. Lapels are especially designed for dangling gadgets or bouten- nieres. Muellers Florist have trained salespeople to help you se- lect just exactly what type of flower to wear. One thing that intrigues us is the fact that every one at Muellers must go to a special school to learn the tricks own flowers in their own green- of the trade. They grow all their house, too, which is a big point in money, we're going to have a their favor. When we're in the drive me mad, but almost every- fresh gardenia or camellia in the buttonhole every morning of the world! Flowers lead us to accessories -gloves, bracelets, necklaces. handbags, hats, et al. For gloves, the best on earth are white, and we mean WHITE, too. Bracelets drive me made, but almost every- body likes a clever charm brace- let or a few strands of small pearls strung together. Around the neck, the snitzy new shell jewelry and the bubble necklaces that the Campus Shop is featur- ing. Old fogey that I am, I caught myself fingering them lov- (Continued on page 20) Fredendally Campus Shop TIGER LAUNDRY and DRY CLEANING CO. Page Eighteen The Jacqueline Shop Spring Head Turner (Continued from page 18) ingly the other day. One of the smoothest pocketbooks in town lives down at Fredendall's, but not for long, we think! It's about a foot square of British tan pat- ent leather with a handle of soft crushed kid tied into a bow. Very slick. Hats are crazy, of course, but we love 'em. Our favorite is of chartreuse-pardon, lime-with a tiny brim and high crown and streamers to tie under the chin. There is a contrasting note in the Spring formals, too. The wanderlust bug bit our fashion designers and they've turned out clothes styled the Gypsy way. Big. boldly striped skirts and simple shirtwaister silk blouses. Now, last, and anything but least we come to the favorite of every gal on this green earth, the men! For the favorite indoor sport, jellying at Gaebler's, get a sport coat with slacks that con- trast. Barth's have all your big hearts could desire; their selection of coats positively makes your mouth water. Bob Symmonds Delt tops the list with a jacket of brown and green tweed with dark green leather-covered buttons. And then there's the K. A. who has only seventeen suits, which is practically illegal. Saddle shoes for school and brown wing tips for dress. Men should dress up just as much as girls and they don't have to get the idea that just because (Turn to page 28) Page Twenty "FashioNews" Whether you like it or not, the "doll's" hat is "in" again. Larger, perhaps, and going in for surprising new color combina- tions. But "in"-and definitely. Crowns are decidedly higher and brims on the wider side. While the battle of the hair- do's has simmered to a faint hiss, the coiffeurs have been busy at work all the while, it seems, on hair-do's that work. Apparent- ly, you're to look either like A- pollo with your hair cut short and set in soft loose curls, or like Aphrodite with your hair in a mane that frames your face. Choose the coiffure that best suits your face and you'll look more chic, more neat and more impor- tant; either hair fashion will give you new smartness, and either goes with tweeds and with hoop skirts, too. Speaking of tweeds and hoop skirts, perhaps you've noticed that pearls, figuratively as well as literally, straddle both these extremes in the dress calendar. Always the most versatile of jew- elry companions, pearls are today to the fore as never before. To drop a pearl of wisdom, though, the finer the pearls, the longer you'll enjoy their subtle flattery. While this isn't the Educational Science period, still you might be glad to know that Heller Certified Cultured Pearls are especially notable because they are snatched from the forbidding jaws of the living oyster. As Nature's own gift to the Girl of Tomorrow, per- haps we should be almighty grate- ful for these deep-sea gems of wondrous lustre and loveliness. K.R. Mueller Florist BARTH'S "Dear. that spaghetti we had for supper. I don't think you cooked it thoroughly!" THE EX-GIRL FRIEND "So she said she gave me the air; what a joke! Boy, I wouldn't be seen dead with her at a funeral. Why she's so dumb she thinks sap from the trees is an ignorant back- woodsman, and that a refinery is a school of etiquette. Last summer when I tried to teach her how to swim all she wanted to learn was the sun stroke. She has an idea that a run-around is a small roadster, and that you need a key to open an arm look. She bought a car that has 'free wheeling' and was shocked to learn that it still needs gas and oil. "She is convinced that locomotion is crazy rhythm, and that you have to water an industrial plant. She is certain that only married couples use the bridal-path, and that a sewer.is a guy who goes to court to collect. "She insists that a membership drive is a new highway, and that a bank keeps its liquid assets in a bottle. She thinks Tennessee is a Chinese tennis game. "She thinks Premier Mussolini is the opening night of a new show, and she won't allow stewed prunes around the house because she hates drunkards. She is certain the French Cabinet is a piece of furniture, and that the D. C. after Washington stands for Dumb Congressmen. "She has an idea that the Automat is a small rug for auto- mobiles, and she knows definitely that a Brazil nut is a South American lunatic. She told me marble cake is made of stone, and that a Chinese coolie is an Oriental refrigerator. "She insists upon going to baseball games but can't get it out of her head that they don't hit the ball with acrobats. "Last week she started to write dime novels. She says it's an easy way to get rich. Only ten of them and she'll have a dollar. She thinks she's a self-made woman. If she is, she ought to tear up the pattern before someone else gets hold of it. She spent eighteen years getting an education and now she can't remember where she put it. "No I'm not sore. But she's the last college girl I'll ever take out!" "Either you buy your shoe polish from us, or we'll blow up your box!" LEXICON OF AN M. D. Corpuscle-An officer in the R.O.T.C. Hormone-Blending of notes in music. Nasal-Pertaining to the navy. Tonsil-Decoration used on Christ- mas trees. Knuckle-Five pennies. Dysentery-Not interested. Diseased-Dead. Cyst-Abbreviation for sister. Surgeon-Rushing forward. Bile-Provincial for boil. Lung-Jump forward. Scalpel-Top of the head. Ulcer-Raincoat. Anaesthetic-A graceful person. Medicine-An Italian family of bank- ers. Liver-A long rod for lifting heavy weights. Bleed-Photograph extending to edge of the page. * People who drink liquor only know one season-fall. Page Twenty-three Showme Show It's here!, Spring, we mean; the Phi Psis are asleep in their classes, the Phi Gams are all drunk, and the Betas just sit under their cork tree quietly smelling the pretty flowers. The boys at the K. A. house wish that Pody Whitehead would come home once in a while. They don't see why he has to eat with Lorraine Elswick, Delta ditto ditto. Those two have got it awful bad. Spring and the love-bug are both gnawing at the hearts of SAE Frank Gorham and lovely-to- look-at Pi Phi Dorothy Carr. They both beam and scream with joy when the other one is barely mentioned. Out at the Twenty-so Theta houses Ernie Moore, Kappa Sig, has been taking Jean Guernsey around, while Bill Byers, Sigma Chi, has been dat- ing almost all the rest of the girls. One of the most surprising couples seen late- ly at Gaeb's was Ready-for-anything-Onhemus and preacher Billy Jolly. With the new spring crew cuts on all the boys, our campus is beginning to look like a penitentiary exercise yard. Among the most distinctive are those worn by Charlie Looney, Beta, Max Paige, Sigma Chi, and frat brother, Bob Faurot. Bermond Swindler, Sig Ep, and Tri Delta Jean Hackenberg are driving their fellow sorority and fraternity members nuts by not putting out a pin. They keep expecting it every day-as do the Delta Gams expect Tommy Baxter's Sig Ep pin in their house on Jane Birr. Maybe the Spring sunshine will bring them out. Big Suprise number I! Rolph Fairchild, fair- haired boy of the Phi Delts has his pin on one Doro- thy Fredendall of California. For dear Rolph to spend Eighteen dollars on a pin for a GIRL, of all things, puts us out. What do you think Helen Medding thinks about this? Wally Nielson, Pi K. A., most all-around of Page Twenty-four people, has Tri Delt Winnie Wise very happy that she's alive. The Missouri Student is pretty far back in a dense fog when it prints such things as a prophecy of marriage between Delt Frank Shuske and Patty Taafe. They were both pretty mad about the false publicity that the rag gave them. Naughty, you bad ol' Stooge-ent. The Betas were mean to Jiggs James when they said that he couldn't join T. N. E. Sounds kinda funny when you know that the Beta president is a mem- ber of the illustrious organi- zation. Together constantly are Theta Jeanette De Wyl and Sigma Chi Ralph Heisinger. They'll be putting out a pin one of these fine days, no doubt. Bill Stone, Sigmanu, is racing his motor for Pi Phi Betty Jane Thompson. His competition in the matter consists of Max Paige and Pete White. More power to you, Bill. Cleverest overheard of the week: Jim Ragland slyly inviting an innocent co-ed over to his "cave" to see his "scratchings." George Wise, strong man of the Law School, gladdens his lonely heart for his Mary Jane in Springfield by playing around in the Dixie every weekend with another gal named Mary. Newly pinned are childhood sweethearts K. A. Dick Asel and Mary Jewett, Delta Gam. Once they were a steady pair, Johnny Lancey, Delta Tau, and Helen McNeill, Stephens, but no more. The wolf, it seems, was Bob Tull, A. T. 0. boxer. We suggest that if Johnny wishes to fight it out that he do so verbally or even better-over the telephone! Page Twenty-five more showme show FREE! A Box of Life Savers for the best wisecrack! What is the pest joke you heard on the campus this week? Send is in to your editor. You may wisecrack your- self into a free prize box of Life Savers. For the best line submitted each month by one of the students, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane-wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes will be judged by the editors of the publication. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be published the following month along with the lucky winner's name, This Month's Winner- C. V. Wells Independent "When I squeeze you in my arms like this, honey, something within me seems to snap." "Yes, pardon me a moment till I fasten it again." Life Savers Page Twenty-six There is nothing to the rumor that Chuck Ar- thur, Sig Alph, and June Henderson have broken up. Kappa Military queen candidate, Himmel- berger, walked by Bill Freehoff, big gun of military affairs and grinningly said, "Why, hello, Bill." Bill turned to a friend and said, "Who's that?" Too bad. Bob Martz, Phi Gam, has switched girls at the Pi Phi house. He will soon be going stead with Jane Hughes, instead of Mary Ann Dallas. And little Dallas has been coking with Darwin Rummel, Hughes' old flame. Hope they get straightened out some time. What did Frank Adams and Virginia Wolk, his can-can date, do on the way home from Fulton Saturday, March 18? Car trouble, no doubt. It sounds fishy when both Betty Jean Wallin and Jack Hetzler have the mumps at the same time. Hmmm, the plot sickens. The Phi Delta Phi, better known as Fiddledee- fee, Junior Prom was disgustingly sober, they say. What's the matter, boys, are you changing your ways? What we would like to have seen more than any- thing we can think of is Ed Elgin sitting in Gaeb- ler's of a recent afternoon and telling George to "Draw two!" Talk about mass production-for a coming Stephens dance two thousand university boys have been invited. Wouldn't they be surprised if all the boys went? The Phi Gain Tacky party brought Rosemarie Brueggman down from St. Louis to make Wat- son Powell and the Delta Gams happy. Won't Wat son be made when last year's Delt, Chuck Godsey, comes to town and Rosemarie comes down to see him, too? The boys at the Sig Alp house have an inkling that Buck Jones has received his own pin from Roberta Carver, Tri Delt. Marshall Dugger, Alpha Sig, got his pin back from Emily Basil, last year's girl, and has neatly put it on Rita Keating D. G. He's sure having fun! During a K. A. serenade at the A. Chi O. house, Bob Jett shouted loudly, "Gee, Rabbit, you sure look funny in a nightgown." Rabbit is his gal, Cora Sharp. Anderson, one of the Phi Psi boys, just got back from a trip to K. U.'s Kappa house to see a certain weak spot in his heart. He's smiling around the campus, so all is well. Showme Movies MIDNIGHT Claudette Colbert, as an American fortune hun- ter stalking her prey in international society, Don Ameche, as a taxi driver who changes her plans, and Francis Lederer, as a handsome and gold-drip- ping Paris playboy-these are the romantic leads in "Midnight." This is undoubtedly Claudette Colbert's best comedy since "It Happened One Night." She has as companions in comedy John Barrymore in fine fettle, Mary Astor, Hedda Hopper, and Elaine Bar- rie. Miss Colbert plays the part of a dancer, who in one dazzling evening meets and falls in love with a taxi driver, crashes an exclusive party with a pawn ticket as an admission card, and sweeps the town's A-1 playboy off his feet. CAFE SOCIETY "Cafe Society" is a brilliant picture about a wealthy young woman who marries a ship news re- porter by way of winning a wager with a society columnist who says she isn't news any more. The incidents in the story are lively, funny, and well staged. And some of the characters in "Cafe Society" will seem to represent certain personalities well known along 52nd Street in New York City. What could be more fitting than to have Made- leine Carroll, Fred MacMurray, and Shirley Ross play the leads. And Miss Ross sings a hit song in "Cafe Society." by John Hartzell THE HARDYS RIDE HIGH "The Hardys Ride High" has a topical novel- ty in that it tells the history of a grand illusion that blew up. The family learns that it will inherit a $2,000,000 estate. Immediately, all but the Judge and his wife lose their heads and go wild. Of course, Lewis Stone, Mickey Rooney, Fay Holden, Cecilia Parker, Sara Haden, and Ann Ruth- erford lead the cast. This brand new Hardy pic- ture is fashioned to the design that has given this series such unusual popularity. And George Seitz, who has directed all of the famous Hardy pictures, was in charge again. SERGEANT MADDEN The central character in this picture is a New York policeman, and the general background is the New York police department. Wallace Beery, as the Sergeant, has been given one of the most power- ful and sympathy winning roles that he has ever had. The fine supporting cast includes Alan Curtis, Fay Holden, Tom Brown, Lorraine Johnson, and George O'Brien. Many of the scenes in "Sergeant Madden" were filmed at the New York Police Acad- emy, and the methods of training rooky officers is illustrated as well as the actual work of a regular policeman. The picture was produced by J. Walter Ruben, who directed Beery in "Good Old Soak" and "Old Hutch." COLLEGE THEATRE COMPANY Page Twenty-seven (Continued from page 20) they're spending money on their date, they have the right to look like the tail end of a hurricane. But the majority of men on this campus are better dressed than the average, so here's an orchid for the good dressers. A man is but a worm of the dust; he comes into the world, wiggles around a bit, and then some chicken gets him. -Pointer A survey gathered data to show that 50,000 girls have recently returned to cotton top hose. When at its height this investigation must have been interesting. -Drexerd TEXACO TOWN Page Twenty-eight Heigh-Ho The Rat Race (Continued from page 2) the U.-I. gravy train, but find more consolation in being half way in than completely out. Already political battle lines have been drawn in the selection of military queens. Look for poli- tics to play an important part in selection of Savitar editor and biz manager, and the remote possibil- ity of them entering into selec- tions for the Student. Net result of the election: It affords a proving ground for M. U.'s smart young lawyers such as McCarthy, Dacey, Wollard, Black, Blanchard, and Thompson. Independents now figure in the spoils which is something they haven't always done. Candidates speak to people they would ordi- narily ignore. Politicians whip up excitement on election day which is something few others can do. S. G. A. marches futilely on, no matter who wins the election. As usual the campaign strategy will not be based on actual issues. The Missouri Party will attempt to smear Black by some first class name calling. They will claim that they are the true Independent party, meanwhile relying on their heavy organized vote. The Union- Independents will claim that not until this year has the Independ- ent had any representation in student government, saying that any difficulties the present admin- istration had were due to sabotage by the big houses. The Brown Derby STOCK MARKET QUOTATIONS Paper profits are profits derived from selling something yesterday that you bought tomorrow. Margin is a demand for money when you are sure not to have it. Wall Street is a printing shop en- tirely surrounded by water on which float stock certificates. Jersey and Delaware incorporate liabilities as assets. Washington crossed the Delaware. Delaware is now double-crossing Washington. Stocks never go below zero. The man who invented the stock market did not know the existence of the thermometer. Ninety-nine and one-half percent of speculators lose their money - the other half commit suicide. "Where did you get that skunk jacket you were wearing last night?" "That was no skunk jacket. I was giving my husband a piggy-back." * "You're getting fat." "Yes-I fell off the roof, and came down plump." * Joe: What do you think of electro- cution ? Jack: Hanging was all right for my ancestors, and it is good enough for me. * Jim: I just burned a thousand dol- lar bill. Joe: Gee! You must be a million- aire. Jim: Well, it's easier to burn them than to pay 'em. * He (exclaiming): Well, did you ever? She: Yes, once or twice. * "Do you smoke?" "Why, yes." "Have you an extra cigarette on you?" Sir Walter Raleigh Tobacco "He says one cent a day will fix things so you can take life easy from now on." DEBUTANTE CRADLE SONG "Make up now, debby, Put on all your frills, Have your gowns low, though They give you the chills. Beauty salons have Wrought wonders, I see, Pimples are hidden, They've dimpled your knee. Why, they've made your hair A passable sight- Good grief, what a mop It was only last night. "Mamma knows best, so Just paste on a smile, Keep it there frozen, For you are on trial. Don't dance with Gerald But once through the night, Dance with all comers, And don't dare get tight. Think of the money That Papa has spent, And see that you land A wealthy, old gent!" LIKE FATHER LIKE SON "I'm telling you, dere's de smartest kid in de woild," said Killer Mike passing about the picture of his three- year-old son to the rest of the mob. "Just take a gander at his pan. Brains plus is scribbled all over the kid's map. Some day he's gonna make me very proud of him." "I don't see any difference in de kid's look from any other little punk," says Little Dynamite, ducking a bot- tle that Killer Mike throws at him. "Yeah?" says Killer Mike. "Well, just listen to dis." All the boys start to take a run-out powder, but Killer Mike pulls a rod and says, "Is dat polite walking out when I starts to tell you about how smart my kid is?" It's a funny thing, but Killer Mike is such an interesting speaker-his en- tire audience stands around spell- bound when he holds a rod in his hand. "Here's an example of what I mean," begins Mike. "De landlord over at my house just puts in elec- tricity instead of gas. And de elec- tricity ain't in de joint ten minutes when young Mike starts stickin' his fingers in and out of de empty socket, while all de juice is toined on." "Yeah?" said the chief. "And wot's so smart about dat?" Killer Mike pounded the table. "Gawd, you're stupid," he cried. "Don't you get de point? De kid is already rehoisin' for de electric chair!" Touching the Bases After making a special trip down to Rothwell Gym we had to wait around for better than half an hour before Coach "Hi" Simmons showed up to give us the low-down on the '39 edition of his ball-club. "Hi there big felly," he says to us, "What can I do for you?" Now we only rise up to 5'8" . . . mmm . . . maybe 5'8 1/2" . but right away it got us to feeling good again. In order to be a good coach you first got to know how to use your psychology. This is Long John's third year with the Tiger nine and he's al- ready won two championships. So we trailed him into his office and cornered him in a corner and started popping the routine ques- tions. But "Hi" didn't need much prompting. All one has to do is mention baseball in his pres- ence and he's off around the bases. Oklahoma has the coach plenty worried. Only two men have been lost from last year's Sooner squad. Iowa State has a supposedly red- hot sophomore crop moving up and K-State and Nebraska. will show vastly improved teams. No comments on K. U. The pre-game "dope" is pure hokum when the Tiger meets the Jay-hawk. In referring to the Sooners Hi is quick to point out that one of the two men lost will be Benton, the shortstop who wild-tossed to first giving Waechter a life in the fifth inning of the second game that later turned into the winning tally of the game to give Missouri a clean sweep of the series and practically clinched the Big Six championship for the Bengals. Now for Simmons' Personnel A quick turn around the infield finds Paul Chrisman taking over 1st base duties . . . Billy Thurman by Nate Silverman retaining his 2nd base position . . . Harlan Kiersey moving over from 3rd to fill in at short for Joe Carr . . . and Bill Marsden holding down the hot-corner. That makes a veteran combination around the keystone with two apparent new-comers at the flanks. For Pitchin' Paul is well-known to sport fans and Marsden, a sen- ior now in the J-School was slated for regular duty while a sopho- more but due to an injury was forced out of action the past two years. The enforced lay-off does not seem to have taken the edge off his playing. Lots will be heard from Bill, for he's a rowdy-O- dowd from away back. Rounding third to the plate one is faced with "dirty-pants" Har- old Klaus . . . a little guy with a big heart and a sling shot arm whose trolley wire pegs down to sec- ond permits of no pilferings. "Dirty- pants" too often misses the headlines, but he's the boy a lot of credit is due to for those sterling pitching perform- ances turned in last year by "Smokey" Joe Mason and "King" Carl. Out there in centerfield will be the pepper-pot himself . . . that great little ball and glove juggler and tooth-whistler, Marshall "Dead Bird" Sneed, the Arkansas apple-knocker. The boys elected him captain but he doesn't seem to care. Baseball is fun to him and he wants none of its responsibili- ties. In left field Kenneth Wackher and Lou Doerr are going at it hammer and tong . . . over in right the verteran "Irish" Shieber may at long last win a regular berth . . . a real ball-hawk but no hit, and that tells his story of the past two years . . . even at that Bob Faurot may make it tough for him. With Carl Miles in the box this shapes up as a corking outfit. Not a weak link anywhere and very strong down the middle, which to baseball men means a lot. TIGER HOTEL Frozen Gold Ice Cream Page Thirty-one FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT Every time Coach "Hi" thinks about his hurling he misses a chaw on his tobacco. "A winning ball club must have pitchers. Pitching counts for more than fifty per cent over a season's run. Right now I intend to use Miles and Noel Haire, a sopho- more, nice boy, good-looking, er, nice fast ball, good curve, a little short on control. If we stay out of jams, okay . . . if not . . . well . . . And that's about it. There just isn't anybody else to pick up the slack, unless Bill Dahms, an- other sophomore, improves over- night or Wackher shows that he's a better pitcher than he is an out- fielder." That's John Hi's outlook. Add it all up, fatten the total with a little optimism and it's not hard to go out on a limb and predict that the Tigers will bring home their third straight championship. After all, one can't expect a coach to give off with enthusiasm. If he did, he wouldn't be in the coaching business. He'd be in the White House. Advertiser's Index Barth's . . . . . . 14 Brown Derby . .28 Cam el . Cover Campus Shop . 18 Chesterfield . 11 College Theater . 27 Daniel's Lumber . 32 D eans . . . . . . . 20 E rnie's . 32 Fraternity Management . 32 Fredendall's . . 18 Frozen Gold . . 31 Gaebler's . 25 Greenspon's . 14 H eller's Pearls . . 4 Jacqueline . 19 Life Saver . . . . 26 Lucky Strike . .Cover Miller's Shoes . Back Cover Mueller Florist . . 20 Old Gold . 3 Prince Albert . 12 Raleigh . . . . . 21 Suzannes . . . . . 15 Texaco Town . 28 Tiger Electric . 28 Tiger Hotel . 31 Tiger Laundry . 18 ERNIE'S DANIELS LUMBER COMPANY Page Thirty-two Miller's Superior Shoes Camel Cigarettes