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Missouri Showme May, 1939; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1939

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Missouri Showme May 15 cents Suzanne's Showme Movies ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL Henry Fonlda and Loretta Young share starring roles with Don Ameche who plays the inventor in the story of genius that typifies America. It is the dramatic romance of Alexander Graham Bell who dreamed and struggled, loved and achie- ved. Bell is spurred on by the love of Mabel Hub- bard, played by Loretta Young, to finish his inven- tion. When next you call the one dear to you remember it was romance that gave us the telephone. Darryl F. Zanuck gave roles of the three sisters of Mabel to Loretta's three sisters, Sally Blane, Polly Ann Young and Georgiana Young. This marks the first time all four Young sisters have been together in a single film. THIIE IIAR)YS RIDE HIGH The IIardys inherit $2,000,000 in the latest of the popular Hardy Family series. Through legal dif- ficulties over the expected fortune they lose the amount and remain poor but honest. This adven- ture takes the family to Detroit for a short stay in which Micky Rooney as the son, Andy, runs wild. This time Micky has heart trouble with Virginia Grey, a new star to the Hardy series, who portrays a cabaret glamour girl. The cast also includes those in previous pictures of the series, with Cecilia Parker, Fay Holden, Ann Rutherford and Sara Haden. Added to the Hardy series cast for this time by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer is John King the singing protege of "The ole' Maes- tro" Ben Bernie who is perhaps best known to the public through his many broadcasts. by George H. Miller LUCKY NIGHT "Lucky Night" co-stars for the first time Myrna Loy and Robert Taylor in a modern comedy of New York gay life. All superstitions are ignored and when you see the final scene Miss Loy has been kissed 13 times by the lucky Mr. Taylor. The picture deals with the accidental meeting and adventures of Cora Jordan, played by Miss Loy, and Bill Overton, portrayed by Taylor. Cora a millionaire's daughter goes out into the world on her own. She takes up with playboy Bill and up- roariously they go through marriage, separation, remarriage and happiness. Included in the supporting cast of funmakers are Joseph Allen, Henry O'Neill and Douglas Fowley. CALLING DR. KILDARE The second in a series of Dr. Kildare pictures is a punch-packed sequel to "Young Dr. Kildare." The characters remain the same with additional characters introduced. Lew Ayres fills the title roll. Other leading players are Lionel Barrymore, Lynne Carver, La- raine Day, Lana Turner and of course Nat. Pendle- ton the comic ambulance driver. Miss Turner, a new face to the series, will be remembered as the girl that vamped Micky Rooney in "Love Finds Andy Hardy." Highlights of the story include the capture of a gang murderer, a transfusion operation, the healing of a crippled boy, and plenty of heart interest centered around a New York hospital. Another great film directed by Harold S. Bucquet. Missouri Hall Varsity The Brown Derby "Do you college boys waste much time?" "Oh, most girls are reason- able." -Scottie IIT SONGS OF THE FUTURE "Take a bomber from One to Ten." "The Daring Young Man on tlie Barb-Wire Fence." "It Was in a Little Trenchy- Wenehy. " "Boom Over Miami." "Sear Dust." "Cannon Be the Spring." -Drexerd An agitator was addressing" a band of strikers. "Only $12 a week!" he cried; "how an a man be a Christian on $12 a week?" "How," yelled a voice, "ean he be anything else?" -Exchange Gosh, your daughter's growing fast. Oh, I don't believe she's any worse than any other girl. -Varieties Sign in library: Only low talk permitted here. -Panther College: "You walk as if you own the street." Pedestrian: "You drive as if you own the car." -Masquerader Small Boy: "Dad, is Rotterdam a bad word?" Dad: "Why, no, son. It's the name of a city." Small Boy: "Well, sister ate all my candy and I hope it'll Rot- erdam teeth out." -The Painter The late and beloved Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, it is said, departed this world with a char- acteristic gesture. Knowing his end was very near and inevitable, the great jurist deliberately lifted his hand, placed his thumb against his nose and solemnly wagged four fingers. We were recounting this inci- dent, slightly enbellished, to a scholarly acquaintance the other mealtime. At the conclusion of the tale he asked, "And do you know what Webster's last words were ?" Anxious to learn the final thoughts of the great Noah, we hastened to answer in the neg- ative. "Zythem," chortled our erudite friend, "zyxomnia and zizzle." Her (at Military Ball)-Wait right here for me, Bill, while I go powder my nose. Her (three dances later)-Been waiting long Him-No, but I've been looking all over for you to give you your compact. -Drexerd CHAPMAN CLEANERS Old Gold Cigarettes Studebaker Champion THE MISSOURI SHOWME "A Reflection of Modern Campus Thought" J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather BUSINESS MANAGER GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. EDITORIAL BOARD BUSINESS STAFF MAKE-UP STAFF CONTRIBUTORS JOHN HARTZELL Bud Barnes Bob Dimke Phil Dessauer Lucille Gupton CLAUDE RAMSEY Mabel Kinyon Nate Silverman Paul Charles Law James Ragland GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. George Miller Katherine Dougherty Houston Cox Joseph Powers Bob Duncan Nate Silverman ART STAFF ADVERTISING EXCHANGES OFFICE STAFF Bill Freemon Clifton Paisley Charles Greever Vic Take John Jachym Robert Kuelper Patty Veatch Mabel Kinyon Nancy Corsa Murray Amper Roy Moskop Roy Kelly Margaret Eades C. V. Wells PHOTOGRAPHERS Martha Jane Myers William Hartman Dorothy McIntyre Bob Richards Bob Dimke George Olcott TIME FOR REVIVAL Now that the election sound and fury is over, everyone can be friends again, and start thinking about other things. Getting jobs, moonlight strolls, and spring formals. The Showie Jester was happy to see so much interest taken in the election, and he wonders why some of that enthusiasm can't be carried along in school spirit, and school tradition. It seems that college tradition has gone out with the roaring 20's, but it was fine and deeply significant in the lives of those students who have experienced of college spirit. Many eastern colleges, and particularly the Army and Naval Academies have many fine customs and traditions that are unknown throughout the country. Let's get the old spirit going at Missouri. It will mean a great deal to students now and when they have graduated. The author of "Telepathic Trouble" is a modest chap and didn't want his name used. Aft- er reading the story, you'll see why a shy guy wouldn't want his name mentioned. For, he vows, it's based on a bitter experience. VOL. VIII MAY, 1939 NO. 9 The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1938 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams Hall; office of publication, Stephens Publishing Co., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. HELL, IT'S STILL SPRING by C. V.Wells LET'S HOLD OUT FOR BEER Note-All persons herein de- scribed or mentioned are entirely fictitious-gad, what a fictitious lot!-and any similarity to per- sons living, dead or in campus politics is purely a matter of con- jecture. "Hi, there, fella!" "H'lo." "How are ya?" "Okay, I guess. Why?" "Oh-oh, nothing. Just thought I'd ask. Er-say, fella, you voted yet?" "What say?" "Have you voted yet?" "Say, buddy, how you think Franklin D. Roosevelt got to the White House?" "Oh, no; I don't mean that. I mean in the school election." "Who's runnin'?" "Well, there are two parties on the ballots, but one of 'em's not running. They're just stand- ing still! Ha ha! Pretty good, huh?" "No." "Oh . . . Well, how you vot- in'?" "Dunno. Who the communists puttin' up? " "Oh, there's no Reds in this election. They know they couldn't get to first base. But confiden- tially, fella, that guy the opposing bunch is running for president is really a dangerous radical. Why he's so pink he rents himself out as a birthday candle!" "Well, I don't think I'll vote." "That's not the proper attitude. The party needs your vote." "What office is the party run- ning for?" "No, you don't get the idea. Look. There are two parties, the Union-" "Say, that Union party sounds pretty good to me. I'm a member of the Hod Carriers' Local No. 312 myself. Wanna see my card?" "No, no. Let me finish. I want to tell you about the parties. This is another kind of union. Besides, it's more of a dis-union than any- thing else. Ours is the real un- ion party-the Double Union." "Got any other hod carriers?" "Now look, fella; there ain't no hod carriers in this election. Get that straight. You see, there are two parties, the Independent- Coalition - Union - Coalition - Independent and the Coalition - Independent - Union - Independ- ent - Coalition. The first one is called the Union party-for short, you know- and so we decided to call ours the Double Union Party. We got double whatever they got -just twice as much stuff-see?" "You got twice as many can- didates ?" "No, that's not it. I mean in- fluence and prestige-that kind of stuff. And lissen, fella, if you're an independent, let me tell you something. We got independ- ents runnin' for twenty-four of the twenty-five offices! Whatcha think of that?" "What's that other guy doin' on the ticket?" "Him? Oh, his dad's a printer, and did some handbills for us. We figured nobody'd mind just one little fraternity man out of the twenty-five." "How many independents the other party got runnin'?" "Well, they say they got all twenty-five, but it's a lie-a dirty lie. I got it straight from one of the candidates himself that four of their men are gonna pledge Triple Upsilon if they get elect- ed. Three others are already post- graduates an' will be out of school in June, and two of the girls they're runnin' aren't even in the University. They go to Stephens College!" "Well, I'm a Lambda Lambda myself." "Ya mean you're a fraternity man? Well, lissen, fella, now I'll tell you the real dope on this election. You boys are in our par- ty. We're runnin' twenty-four in- dependents, all right, but twelve of 'em are good bets to flunk out of school at the end of the semes- ter. Ain't that a hot one?" "A joke, huh?" "Yeah. But that ain't the best one. Six of our candidates aren't candidates at all. They're just names of race horses down in Florida." "Race horses, eh ? I don't think I'd ever vote for a horse, no mat- ter how honest he was. But I've got a couple of bucks I'd like to put on Seabiscuit, on the nose. "'Oh, no, I can't take that kind of money-at least, not for horse- racing. But anyway, to get back to the election; after we win we can fill the offices with anybody we want to put in. Nobody ever remembers the names of the per- sons he voted for. Ain't it slick?" "Uh-uh. But what if the other party wins?" "Don't make me laugh. Those guys think politics is some kind of dog's disease! Say, that's pret- ty good, isn't it?" "No. " "Well, okay, fella. But let me tell you something else. All they- 'll offer you is beer, those cheap- skates! Why, we're giving free beer, cigarettes, blotters, old mag- azines and paper napkins." "Say, I need some paper nap- kins." "And that's not all. After we're in office, if you ever want any favors, like gettin' your girl elected queen or somethin', just come around and ask it, fella, that's all-just ask it." "Say, I might do that. Do you think you could find me a girl first?" Let's not get off the subject. As a special attraction-for today only- we're offering to every- body who votes our ticket from 2 o'clock til 4 this afternoon-a genuine autographed Petty car- toon !" "That's the first sensible thing you've said so far. Where do I go from here?" "Right in that room there. And remember-a straight party tick- et!" "Sure, buddy; nothin' crooked about me." "You can get your stuff in- side the polling room. And say, fella, how about bringing me a by Phil "Farley" Dessauer hunk of that free beer when you come out?" "Hey, Joe, whaddaya think? I just roped in another one of those Lambda Lambdas. I told him his frat was in our party. Ain't that a laugh! And those old Petty Cartoons out of Esquire did the trick again! We shoulda thought of that a long time ago. Guess you could say that's lead- ing a Lambda to slaughter! Ha ha! Say that's pretty good, ain't it? "Say can I borrow your pen?" "Sure thing." "Got sheet of writing paper I can use?" "Reckon so. "Going past the post office when you go out?" "Uh-huh." "Mail a letter for me?" "All right." "Want to lend me a stamp?" "Yeh." "Much obliged. Say, what's your girl's address?" "You're an apt boy. Its your sister apt, too?" "If she gets a chance, she's apt to." -Wampus Nobody Wins But the Printer in a Campus Election The boys over at the Zippy Cab Company here in our town are mighty proud of one of their men -Dubwood Velocity. He has just won the Save-ty Award for 1938-he has saved more time in the city streets than all of the drivers at the Zippy, Zoom and Woosh cab companies put to- gether. Dubwood I called on Dubwood the other day just to find out about this fearless cab driver who boasts, "My speedometer never fell be- low the 45 mark last year except during the winter when it sank to 32-the same as freezing." Dubwood is the race-driver kind of person. He reads religi- ously about the Barney Oldfields of the nation, and he often muses, "what have they got that I have- n't except contracts to advertise spark plugs and cigarettes.'' Then he adds, "Put these fast guys on our own streets and where would they be?" I bit, so he answered, "Miles behind us Zippy drivers. Come with me and I'll show you what I mean." As we crawled into his shiny new Zippy with fenders dented to match, Dubwood said, "This won't cost you a cent." Then I settled back in the seat and pre- pared to hold tight. As we headed back up past the State U. buildings, I noticed a smile spreaking out through Dub- wood's whiskers. Seeing that the speedometer rested on a cool 40, I asked why the smile. "Watch me scare those kids up there," he replied and his foot tweaked the foot feed. Then we whisked up through a group of students crossing the street and I fully ex- pected a mess. However, we missed all the living creatures by a plucked eyelash. "Boy, that's close," I sighed. "Open the win- dow if you're hot," was Dub- wood's only reply as he sped on. Next we headed down Ninth Street toward the city proper. I watched what I thought were buildings whiz by outside the window and for the moment I feared some cop was going to come up and ask to see Dub- wood's pilot's license. But Dub- wood and I just laughed and laughed because we knew the cops couldn't catch up with us- not unless they took a Zippy cab. "Ain't this the life," Dubwood breathed exaltingly as lie turned and looked back on me. "Yeah, but aren't you afraid someone will step out from be- hind one of these cars?" Does It "Naw," he shrugged. "I've got me cab insured, ain't I. I wouldn't be touched by anything like that." Then we sped past the Zoom Cab and the Woosh Cab boys. They tossed a couple of old speedometers at us, but Dub- wood merely smiled and hurried on. We went out to the highway, but once out there Dubwood slowed down to a normal speed. "What's the matter," I asked. "Federals," he said. "We ain't taking any chance on run- ning foul of the federal law. Them federals is plenty tough." After several more minutes of cruising and conversing, we start- ed back for the Zippy headquar- ters. As we advanced into the city, our speed increased until by the time we got back to One-eyed Conley Street and past the State U. grounds, the speedometer by Charles Paul Law jumped back to its old stomping grounds-the late forties. As we zoomed down the road, I noticed that Dubwood was a little sad. "Shucks," he sighed, "the classes have already let out. You ought to be along when school is just out. The other day I went between a fellow and his girl friend. None of the boys have topped that one yet." I bid good-bye to Dubwood and as I walked home, I began turn- ing the experience over in my mind. I believe I have learned how the speed of such men as Dubwood can be curbed-if not their cars curbed. Did you no- tice how leery Dubwood became of the federal law? Then I be- lieve the thing to do is begin working through the income tax and federal laws. I have it on good authority that these Zippy boys have been carrying a lot of dope around (ask them who's going to win the National League pennant and Again how the Tigers will come out in football next season). Also, it is rumored that they have been de- claring exemptions on every Ste- phens Susie they have carried- and this is strictly in violation of the constitution. Mr. District Attorney and gen- tlemen of the F. B. I.- the next move is yours! Style Show Model: "The man- ager said for you to give me a pair of French panties for the ladies' emporium." New Stock Clerk: "What size is the ladies' emporium." Dubwood Velocity Rides Again-But This Time Without His Pilot's License! IT'S THE TRUTH Then there was the near-sighted, pessimistic delicatessen dealer who was always looking for the wurst. Some ocean travelers are no more than twelve hours at sea, when they resemble their passport photographs. A divorce due to crossword puzzles has been granted in America. The report does not say who was granted custody of the dictionary. Tennyson's "Half a League" referred not to the L. of N., hut to the league of which Chicago won the 1938 pennant. A scientist says that gasoline, kerosene, lubricating oil, parafin, wax, phenol, pitch and sulphate of amonia can he extracted from American coal. Apparently, the only thing that can't be extracted is heat. It is claimed that a new herb named Hylockrum will trans- form the most inveterate meat eater into a vegetarian. No missionary should be without one. A parking device which enables automobiles to move side- ways is now on the market. We understand that discouraged pedestrians are committing suicide by the thousands. And now city officials are linked with internationally fa- mous gamblers. We don't however, see how the gamblers can do anybody about it. Japan seems to have gone crazy with the hate. The Chinese must be ferocious fighters. Look what they can do to a shirt. And then there's the affliction they can't do any thing about -athlete's brain. Parting advice-Put a little water on the comb. They had just returned from a bridge game at the Allen's. "That's the kind of husband I'd like to have. Did you hear him tell Mrs. Allen to go look at some ten dollar hats to- morrow?" "And when have I stopped you from looking at ten dollar hats?" They came and stole my garments My furniture and door But they could not steal my jokes For they were stolen before. Friend: I just saw a young man trying to kiss your daugh- ter. Modern Mother: Did he succeed? Friend: No. Modern M.: Then it wasn't my daughter. First Gold Digger: What's troubling you, dearie? Second G. D.: I can't figure out what to do with my old blades. VASSAR Swim Trunks Prince Albert Tobacco Radio Salesman: Madam, you pay a small down payment and then you pay no more for three months. Mrs. Snapper: I'll bet that snoopy Mrs. Quizz told you all about us. Two women had just come out of a local theatre after seeing "Robin Hood." "I liked it," said one, "except that they didn't show the part where he shoots the apple off his son's head." "That wasn't 'Robin Hood'," cor- rected her companion. "That was 'Ar- rowsmith'!" Capt. (to private) : Why are you al- ways behind the rest of the marching soldiers? Are you yellow? Soldier: No, sir, but someone has to stay behind to pick up the brave heroes. There should be no monotony In studying your botany. It helps to train And spur your brain- Unless you haven't gotany. Edgar: That's a fine suit you're wearing. Whats your tailor's address? Charlie: 124 West street. Edgar: Why, that's where you live! Charlie: Yes, he's living on my doorstep. "Scot: Are you a good caddie? Caddie; Yes, sir. Scot: A real good caddie? Caddie: Yes, sir. Scot: Are you good at finding lost balls? Caddie: That's my forte, sir. Scot: Well, then, go and find one so we can begin the game. Judge: So you beat your wife, kicked her, hit her with a chain, and threw her down the stairs. What would you say if I sentenced you to a year in jail? Man: Well-if you want to break up a honeymoon. Judge: I'll give you a suspended sentence, but next time I'll fine you. "Do you sell dog biscuits in this rotten little shop?" "Yes, sir. Will you eat them here, or shall I send them around to your kennel?" Employer (to new bookkeeper): Why, you've entered all your debit items on the credit side of the ledger! What does this mean? Bookkeeper: I always do it that way. I'm left-handed. It Ain't Even Safe to Think With These Psychic Gals Around It was a warm, rainy spring night, the night I knocked hur- riedly on the door of Professor Quisby Trisby, teacher of psy- chology and president of our Am- ateur Telepathers Club, every sec- ond Monday. I know it was raining because I couldn't have gone to Prof. Tris- by's house if the weather had been dry, because I would have had a date, and I didn't have a date the night it rained because it would have meant taxi fare and I was broke. Or maybe I did have a date, and this was later in the evening after I took the girl home. I guess maybe it was midnight, the witching hour. Prof. Trisby came to the door in his nightshirt. "What's the matter, lad?" he said, noticed the wan look on my rain-wet face. "Do come in and dry your things." I did come in and dried my things. Then, in answer to Tris- by's questions I told my story, which I shall set down here just as it happened. If I can prevent anybody else from treading the path I so innocently took, my work will not be for naught. "It's this telepathy business," I began. "0 Dieu, 0 melancholia, 0 tempora, 0 mores, O heautonti- morimenos!" "Well, well," welled Trisby. "Don't you like to be able to communicate your thoughts by mental telepathy?" "No !" I said. I could see that my sacrilegious monosyllable made the President of the A. T. C. tremble beneath his nightshirt. "Just what is your trouble?" he asked. "I'm ruining my health and flunking out of school because I've been having too many dates." "But I don't see what that has to do with telepathy," said the Professor. I sighed and stared glassily at the embroidered samp- ler over his mantel-piece: "Don't write-Telepath. " "Last September I joined your club and learned how to tele- path," I said. "That wasn't so bad, till the girls began joining the club. Then the trouble start- ed. I would walk through the halls, minding my own business, when suddenly I would see a pret- ty girl. Well, sir, I would be looking at the pretty girl and all of a sudden she would come up girls, and getting slapped so of- ten I felt like I was rubbing my face along a picket fence." Prof. Trisby screamed with im- patience. "What's that got to do with dating too much?" he screamed. "It's purely a matter of un- derstanding the seasons," I said, arching my eyebrows archly. "Qu'est-ce que vous voulez dire?" said Trisby, which, in English, means "What is it that you wish to say?" or, translated idiotically, "What the hell do you mean?" "Spring came," I said, "and not only is it the time when a young man's love turns fancy, but it also moreover affects girls. Blood moves faster, buds come TELEPATHIC TROUBLES to me and slap my face, saying: 'I heard what you thought, you cad__' "That is bad!" Trisby ad- mitted. "I thought so too, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. My face gradually became hardened to slaps, and I was learning to duck." "But son, what has that got to do with the fact that you are dat- ing too much?" "I'll get to that, if you'll only keep your shirt on. I tried, aft- er a while, to keep my thoughts . ah . . . on other things. When a beautiful girl appeared I would concentrate on my Ger- man lesson, or on my rock collec- tion for Geology, or on integral and differential calculus." "How did that work?" "No soap. I'm a strong minded fellow. Once I put my mind on something. . . . Well. There you are. And there am I, walking through the hall from class to class..looking at the beautiful out, the birds sing, and things are different. "Now, when I walk through the hall and see a beautiful girl and think about differential cal- culus the girl comes up to me and says: 'Okay, I'll meet you after class.' And Professor Trisby, old as you are you can understand how hard it would be for a young fellow to refuse a girl a date. The weather got warmer and more and more girls asked me for dates. My studies were neglected, I got turned in for F's, and my entire life has gone to pot!" "Yes, sir," Professor Quisby Trisby said sympathetically, rub- bing his chin. "That certainly is a hell of a thing. What hall is it where your pass all these girls?" "I played strip poker with a bunch of coeds last night." "How was your luck?" "Best I ever saw." -Frivol Page Eleven There Ain't No Fun in Life Unless You Can Do a Little Beefing PROFESSOR "BILLY" PHELPS of Yale in his recently published autobiography sets down a partial list of thirty things he hates. It seems that what a man hates is fully as interesting as the things he likes. Professor "Billy" has aversions to female legs in the daily news; to personal items from Hollywood; to paint on young faces and a host of others including foods, books, authors and special words. Particularly does he dislike the word gotten. He says, "I was pleased when a man tele- graphed his wife, 'Have gotten seats for the theatre,' and the telegram was received, 'Have got ten tickets for the theatre,' and she showed up in the lobby with eight eager friends." Anyway roaming about the campus we picked up a few little "hates" of our own from some vic- ious looking individuals. For instance. . . . PROFESSOR JESSE WRENCH, history teacher, baggy knicker pants wearer and the best "roll- your-owner" in the University has a perpetual scowl these days as he notes "all the moon- faced people walking down the streets hand in hand passing the time of day with other star- ry-eyed juveniles cluttering up the walk." FRANK CLARK, D. U., despises hypocrites. MIRIAM KORNISH, Stephens, and custodian of Frank's pin looks with equal loathing upon the typical Stephens-susie curiosity-also it an- noys her considerably to see dirt under Frankie's finger-nails. The D. Uer begged her to keep those things in the family, insisting meanwhile that he picked up the dirt in artistic endeavor, but she averred it had more the appearance of truck- gardening. Burly BOB WALDORF, football bruiser, views with disgust all guys on opposing teams who look on themselves as All-Americans.. . . wishes somebody would remove the ladder gracing the entrance to room 208 of the B. P. A. School. There seated in this same room was the B. and P. Aer's demure little private secretary, LORRAINE POLLARD. The utter, utter sweetness of her totally belied the vehemence with which she stated her hate. "Mustaches on male uppers! They are but the incongruous appurtenances of a defunct and static personality. Nothing revolts me quite so much. . . . except perhaps the bloated bel- lies on green worms." by Nate Silverman Letting Off The Steam BETTY WOODY, Chi 0 cutie, takes a crack at all male haircuts, including the Princeton crop, which makes them look like mugs and thugs. "Who are they," she demanded, "to refuse to go out with girls who choose to wear their's up? The Woody nose sniffed defiantly. MARY JANE STEVENSON, a beautiful Independ- ent blonde, has been acclaimed a queen on this campus many times over. But poor Mary Jane is a victim of conflicting emotions . . . for al- though she likes to win queenships, she hates to display her charms before a barrage of male eyes that seem to undress her. This modesty paradox has DUDLEY JUNE BID- STRUP in its claws too. Dudley admits to a distaste to talk about himself. Now Biddie, purely off the record, just WHO made all that Union- Independent noise a week ago? Some faculty adviser rail-roaded GEORGE GECH, Ind. into an English course not long ago now he can't look the breed in the eye Forewarned is fore-armed. . .. pray Georgie, what course is it? BETTY JACQUE SMITH, Kappa, peers askance at people without a sense of humor . . . thinks SHOWME has a sense of humor. PROFESSOR E. K. JOHNSTON of the Journal- ism School sums up his aversions in one word, LIARS. IZ SKLAR, winner of the beard growing contest over at the Engine School balks when it comes time to shave. Iz says his room-mate's pet aver- sion is to take a girl on a blanket party to toast marsh-mallows and roast weenies and to find as the evening grows cold and the stars begin to twinkle that she really came out to toast marsh- mallows and to roast weenies. . . . HAROLD MILLER, the roomie, and fellow engineer counters with this one about Sklar. He never throws his dirty socks into the laundry bag, but likes to pile them up under his bed. PHEW! He: "Darling, I'm groping for words." She: "Well! You won't find them there." -Covered Wagon "What is home without a mother?" he asked. "I am tonight," the sweet thing answered. -Wampus Page Thirteen The First Shovelful of Showme Show Betty Lou Crisp still has Army Dwyer, Phi Delt, hanging around her front porch. It's not only true love, but he likes her Kappa "dhwall"-(drawl, to you). Le Roi Dixon, dark and handsome Phi Gam car- ries the torch for Gerry Rooney, super little Pi Phi. He has a sweetheart pin, but he doesn't know what to do with the thing; lie doesn't want to get turned down. We know how you feel, we got turned down last Leap Year. Who were the boys who got so very "skonked" that they had to be told the next morning that they had eaten a package of cigarettes? And another thing, why don't we just forget the whole goldfish deal? It's not even funny anymore. Some people just aren't very smart. Don Boardman, Delt, has a new name. They're calling him Cupid now. A friend of his from K. U. called him long distance the other night and asked him to fix a date with teeny tiny Betty Gillen, Pi Phi for the said Jayhawker's spring formal. We haven't heard Gillen's reaction yet, but we're afraid that she's pretty busy here at home keeping Tommy James, Kappa Sig, on the run. "Poor guy can't take it ... He's just been appoint- ed night-watchman at Stephens." Page Fourteen Bette Brooks, Theta, has a definite liking for tall D. U.'s. Joe Webber, Phi Sigma Delta, plays around with all the girls here, but not many of them know that his heart resides in St. Louis. Not only does it live there, but it's wrapped, sealed, and delivered. And he loves it. More scribbling in notebooks is attributed to Gertrude Guinn, another Kite girl. She sits and writes Howard Stanley Wood, Sigma Alpha Ep- silon, Stanford U., California. If any of you boys want to send him a threatening letter, here's your chance. Betty Jane Peckenpaugh, (we call her bill n' coo) --(haha) is being seen with Lewis Parks, Sig who is a prince of a fellow, to say the least. One of the most glamorous gals on this campus is Shirley Sanders. It was a long time ago, but it's still good, we mean Shirley floating around the Savitar Ball in pink chiffon and black lace. Why must people call her "the squaw?" Ugh, ugh. Dale Bowling, upon seeing a mail truck, "Why is a man, who is a citizen of the United States, like a letter?" Warren Ruddy, the perfect Stooge: "I don't know, why?" D. B. (the heel), "Because they're both U. S. male." I-Ie died quietly. (More gush on page 18) Social Worker: Do you owe any back house rent? Relief Seeker: We ain't got any back house. We have mod- ern plumbing. -Exchange DON'T CRY, LITTLE FISHIE by Maurice Richlin Come here, little goldfish And shed a bitter tear Your race is declining And your own end is near. How sweetly you stare As you lie in my hand. Soon my fame will be known Throughout this wide land. I lift you, suspend you Till you hang over my mouth. Wave the world goodby, Goldie, You're bound for points south. Chesterfield Cigarettes PUBLIX SHIRTS OFF THE RECORD "Gentlemen, something has to be done to combat the new movement to abolish all colleges. It is a silly move- ment, for we know that colleges do make a definite contribution to the civilized world. Think what it would mean to us if all the colleges should ever be abolished. Would we have ever realized the glorious prosperity of our dream, if it wasn't for the col- leges? "What wonderful institutions are colleges! For years gallant under- graduates have been aiding us. No matter how black the situation was, we could always count on them to help us out of our difficulties. If the colleges should ever be abolished, the world would no longer be a bright place in which to live. Our fu- tures would be dismal, black, and futile. "Gentlemen, as Chairman of the Professional Gag-Writing Associa- tion, I think we should go on record opposing this new movement, at least in those colleges where humor maga- zines are put out. "Mary," said the mistress of the house reproachfully, "you told me a little while ago that you were going to have a sleep." "That's right, madam," replied the girl. "Then do you mind telling me what you were doing at the garden gate just now when the soldiers went by?" Mary hung her head coyly. "Having forty winks, madam," she replied. A little boy went up to his grandfather and said, "Are you very, very old, grandpa?" The old man said, "I'm 95, my son." Then the youngster asked him, "Have you lost all your teeth?" And grandpa said, "Yes, my boy. I haven't got a tooth in my head." So the lad said, "Well, that's all right. You can mind my roasted peanuts." Smith and Jones were at the circus. Smith turned to Jones and said, "How did Johnson come to be an elephant train- er?" "Well," his friend replied, "he used to run a set of per- forming fleas until his eyesight got bad!" "Did you hear about the canary with a wooden leg-his father was a woodpecker." "Hey! Watch where you're sittin'!" Central Office Equipment Co. STULLKEN-ELLIS, Inc. The Southern father was in- troducing his family of boys to a visiting governor. "Seventeen boys," exclaimed the father. "And all Democrats but John, the little rascal. He got to reading." -Green Gander Enamored: "I think June is the ideal Prom girl." Disgusted Roommate: "Yeah, prominent ears, prominent teeth, prominent chin." Enamored: "True, but go on." -Varieties "My husband was swept off his feet when he kissed our pretty maid." "Aren't you going to have her fired?" "I should say not! That's the way I like to see a broom used." -The Log "What kind of work is your sister's boy-friend engaged in, Willie?" "I think he prints free theatre tickets." "You think he prints free thea- tre tickets? What ever gave you such an idea?" "Well, I heard Sis say he was always making passes." Angry Father: "What do you mean by bringing my daughter in at this hour of the morning?" Gay Blade: "Had to be at work at seven." Then there's the story of the girl violinist who kissed her violin good night and took her bow to bed with her. She: "I wear this gown only to teas." He: "Whom?" -Old Line BARTH'S Showme Show Now that we're all back from our annual session with that Easter bunny and have come to grips with our books (or have we?) let's settle down and have a good bull session. Jane Williams, new Theta Savitar queen, is giv- ing her sisters plenty of trouble. Due to her re- cent set-to with Delt Don Dittemore, and the illup- setting consequences, the Thetas aren't allowing any of their pledges to date the poor dear. He has more trouble, too, but it's all too complicated to go into. Roberta Carver, Tri Delt, in class the other day, asked if it was permissible for engaged couples to "neck in public." The only way to find out is to try it and see, Roberta. She's pinned out at the S. A. E. house; maybe he'll help her find out. Among those who went home with their true love over Easter were Jim Small, who met the parents of Brickey Casey, Pi Phi, and Pat Curtis, same, impressed Kappa Sig, Charlie Pitney's family. It wouldn't have made any difference whether they did or didn't, the way things are with those moon- struck kids. Fred Irion, who recently quit the Showme, be- cause he wasn't satisfied with an S average, sits in class and writes over and over-Betty Jane, Minnesota, Betty Jane, Minnesota. Tsk, tsk, Mr. Irion, you can't do it that way! We predict that Bill Freehoff will make very good time with Martha Jane Meyers now that he got her elected as one of the Military queens. In Jeff City recently, Annabelle Lonsberry, D. G., and Louise Wilkes, Alpha Chi 0., were seen with two unidentified blonds. Were you girls celebrat- ing something or just getting away from it all? Page Eighteen it flutters from person to person-was conducting Pi Phi Marty Payne, who has a fluttering heart- a "Don't Vote for Dimke" week recently and three days later they were ogling at each other in the Evereat. Good old Bob, how does he do it? Virginia Wolk, No. 1 Tri Delt, loves to listen to the suth'un drawl of Francis Clark, Delt from "Jaw- juh." The boys call him "South Man." When asked if everything had calmed down after her pinning to Jimmy Plunkett, Sigma Chi, Bobbie Price said, "Yes, but we haven't." Tommy Henderson walks about with folded hands and lifted eyes since the evening that he played chaperon at a Stephens dance. It seems that he had a date with his little school teacher again. What are the Phi Delts coming to? The rains are bringing out the pins as fast as the worms. Frances Ann Robnett, Kappa, put out Har- ry Seward's snake badge, and another will soon show itself above the heart of Pi Phi Ruth Schif- flin, which beats only for Dick Brownlee. We like Stanley Mertel, Lambda Chi. He's a small town boy who didn't go college the first time he got away from home. Wish there were more like you, chum. While Polly Nichols was gallivanting out in Cali- fornia, Lacky Johnson was doing the same in Col- umbia, and at Stephens, too. So, when she got back, they had a date on a rainy day. Lacky was wearing someone else's rain coat. As they walked down the street, he put his hand in the pocket and drew out-a young lady's absolutely unmentionables! Pollyanna began to wonder if she should have gone away or not. . .. Harzfeld's DIXIE CAFE Collegiate Reporter: I've got a perfect news story. Editor: How come? Man bite a dog? Reporter: No, but a hydrant sprinkled one. -Wotougon "Ah," he murmured as the light went out in the room across the street, "Now I can sleep." -Green Gander She: John, dear, I wouldn't let anyone else kiss me like this. He: My name isn't John. Professor: Will you men in the back of the room please stop exchanging notes?" Student: They aren't notes, sir. They're cards. We're play- ing bridge. Professor: Oh, I beg your pardon. -Widow The old gentleman was lost in a London fog so thick he could barely see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarm- ed when he found himself in a cold, dark alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching. "Where am I going?" he asked excitedly. A voice weirdly replied from the darkness, "Into the river. I've just come out." -Red Cat Frozen Gold Ice Cream The Jacqueline Shop BARBER SHOP BROMIDES "Just a haircut-I always shave at home. Skin's too tender." "Could you also trim the hair a little while you shave the neck?" "You should gimme half price - I'm nearly bald." "The last barber cut my hair for ten years. I don't go to him because he just died." "What do you do with all the hair you cut?" "Gimme the same haircut you gave me last year." "Once over twice." "Don't take too much of my blood. I'm anemic." Fortune Teller: I see a tall, stout woman following your husband. Client: I'm sorry for her, then ... he's a postman! Polly Voo Frawnsay? Whatcha say? Do you speak French? Yes-oh yes. He: And I've got a gold medal for running five miles, an' one for ten miles; a silver medal for swimming; two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing! She: You must be a wonderful ath- lete. He: Athlete? I run a pawnshop. The landlady brought in a plateful of extremely thin slices of bread and butter, which rather dismayed her hungry men boarders. "Did you cut these, Mrs. Brown?" asked one. "Yes-I cut them," came the stern reply. "Oh," went on the boarder. "All right-I'll shuffle and deal!" J: How was the horseback riding the other day? T: It was all right, but the trouble was that I had such a polite horse that when we came to a fence, he let me go over first. Sir Walter Raleigh Tobacco GIVE ME A SENTENCE WITH THE WORD . . Diversify: "I'm bad now, but I'd be all diversify got married." Window: "Window we eat?" Felonies: "John felonies head." Connive: "My girl is always saying, connive this and connive that?" Verified: "I paid ten dollars for it, verified waited I could have got it for five." Symphony: "Let's not have any musi- cal questions; they all symphony to me." Forepaw: "To pick your teeth in pub- lic would be a forepaw." Poison: "Some poison is outside to see you." Atwater Kent: "Atwater Kent be cold." Symptoms: "Symptoms I do, and symptoms I don't." Vignette: "Why give up the battle; we may vignette!" Panther: "Johnnie lost a button - now his panther coming down." Chemise: "I wonder does chemise me when I'm gone?" Chagrin: "Why don't chagrin once in a while?" Statuesque: "What's statuesque?" "Hooray! I've got my first case! The Law School is going to sue me for back tuition." IF HABIT GOT THE BEST OF US "Sixty-five cents, sir." "You mean a dollar and sixty-five cents." "No, sir. Just sixty-five. You had the regular luncheon and a glass of- "Never mind that, waiter. I can read, it's a dollar sixty-five!" "Well, sir. I don't like to argue. So if you want it that way, I'll take the dollar as a tip. But sixty-five is all you owe me." "Now let's not get into an argument over this, but I say I owe you a dollar sixty-five without the tip!" "OK, sir. But your bill only reads sixty-five cents." "You must be blind, waiter. There it is, plain as day; one dollar and sixty-five cents." "Sir, it's your eyes that don't see those figures straight. Say what line are you in?" "Me? I read meters for the electric company." ZERO HOUSE Smit s Studio Hickory Dickory Dock; The mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one; The Mouse ran down- That's how Munski got his start, too. Caution is the life of the strip tease dancer. Haven't you seen her stop, look, and loosen? -Rammer Jammer "There's a woman peddler at the door." "Show him in, and tell him to bring his samples with him. -Gargoyle The only trouble about being able to read women like a book is you are liable to forget your place. -Record He called her Pilgrim because every time he went out with her he made a little more progress. -Wampus DROP INN SANDWICH SHOP University Fruit Co. BURTON'S FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT DANIEL BOONE TAVERN Life Savers Three blind mice; See how they run! The Student just came out. The doctor was questioning the new nurse at the infirmary about her latest patient. "Have you kept' a chart of his progress?" he inquired. The nurse, blushing, replied: "No, but I can show you my diary." -Purple Parrot Ideal spot for a good time: Just the right degree of longitude and lassitude. -Owl He (asking a riddle) : Why is it you have so many friends? She: I give up. -Red Cat -The Battalion FREE! A Box of Life Savers for the best wisecrack! What is the pest joke you heard on the campus this week? Send is in to your editor. You may wisecrack your- self into a free prize box of Life Savers. For the best line submitted each month by one of the students, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane-wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes will be judged by the editors of the publication. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be published the following month along with the lucky winner's name. This Month's Winner- NATE SILVERMAN Independent "There's always something around me that keeps me from drinking a lot of beer." "Your husband, I suppose?" 'Nope, my girdle." Miller's Superior Shoes Camel Cigarettes