Missouri Showme May, 1939Missouri Showme May, 193920081939/05image/jpegUniversity of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book DivisionThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show193905Missouri Showme May, 1939; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1939
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Missouri
Showme
May
15 cents
Suzanne's
Showme Movies
ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL
Henry Fonlda and Loretta Young share starring
roles with Don Ameche who plays the inventor in
the story of genius that typifies America.
It is the dramatic romance of Alexander Graham
Bell who dreamed and struggled, loved and achie-
ved. Bell is spurred on by the love of Mabel Hub-
bard, played by Loretta Young, to finish his inven-
tion.
When next you call the one dear to you remember
it was romance that gave us the telephone.
Darryl F. Zanuck gave roles of the three sisters
of Mabel to Loretta's three sisters, Sally Blane,
Polly Ann Young and Georgiana Young. This
marks the first time all four Young sisters have
been together in a single film.
THIIE IIAR)YS RIDE HIGH
The IIardys inherit $2,000,000 in the latest of the
popular Hardy Family series. Through legal dif-
ficulties over the expected fortune they lose the
amount and remain poor but honest. This adven-
ture takes the family to Detroit for a short stay in
which Micky Rooney as the son, Andy, runs wild.
This time Micky has heart trouble with Virginia
Grey, a new star to the Hardy series, who portrays
a cabaret glamour girl.
The cast also includes those in previous pictures
of the series, with Cecilia Parker, Fay Holden, Ann
Rutherford and Sara Haden. Added to the Hardy
series cast for this time by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
is John King the singing protege of "The ole' Maes-
tro" Ben Bernie who is perhaps best known to the
public through his many broadcasts.
by George H. Miller
LUCKY NIGHT
"Lucky Night" co-stars for the first time Myrna
Loy and Robert Taylor in a modern comedy of
New York gay life. All superstitions are ignored
and when you see the final scene Miss Loy has been
kissed 13 times by the lucky Mr. Taylor.
The picture deals with the accidental meeting
and adventures of Cora Jordan, played by Miss
Loy, and Bill Overton, portrayed by Taylor. Cora a
millionaire's daughter goes out into the world on
her own. She takes up with playboy Bill and up-
roariously they go through marriage, separation,
remarriage and happiness.
Included in the supporting cast of funmakers are
Joseph Allen, Henry O'Neill and Douglas Fowley.
CALLING DR. KILDARE
The second in a series of Dr. Kildare pictures is
a punch-packed sequel to "Young Dr. Kildare."
The characters remain the same with additional
characters introduced.
Lew Ayres fills the title roll. Other leading
players are Lionel Barrymore, Lynne Carver, La-
raine Day, Lana Turner and of course Nat. Pendle-
ton the comic ambulance driver. Miss Turner, a
new face to the series, will be remembered as the
girl that vamped Micky Rooney in "Love Finds
Andy Hardy."
Highlights of the story include the capture of a
gang murderer, a transfusion operation, the healing
of a crippled boy, and plenty of heart interest
centered around a New York hospital.
Another great film directed by Harold S. Bucquet.
Missouri
Hall
Varsity
The Brown
Derby
"Do you college boys waste
much time?"
"Oh, most girls are reason-
able."
-Scottie
IIT SONGS OF THE FUTURE
"Take a bomber from One to
Ten."
"The Daring Young Man on
tlie Barb-Wire Fence."
"It Was in a Little Trenchy-
Wenehy. "
"Boom Over Miami."
"Sear Dust."
"Cannon Be the Spring."
-Drexerd
An agitator was addressing" a
band of strikers.
"Only $12 a week!" he cried;
"how an a man be a Christian on
$12 a week?"
"How," yelled a voice, "ean
he be anything else?"
-Exchange
Gosh, your daughter's growing
fast.
Oh, I don't believe she's any
worse than any other girl.
-Varieties
Sign in library:
Only low talk permitted here.
-Panther
College: "You walk as if you
own the street."
Pedestrian: "You drive as if
you own the car."
-Masquerader
Small Boy: "Dad, is Rotterdam
a bad word?"
Dad: "Why, no, son. It's the
name of a city."
Small Boy: "Well, sister ate all
my candy and I hope it'll Rot-
erdam teeth out."
-The Painter
The late and beloved Justice
Oliver Wendell Holmes, it is said,
departed this world with a char-
acteristic gesture. Knowing his
end was very near and inevitable,
the great jurist deliberately lifted
his hand, placed his thumb against
his nose and solemnly wagged
four fingers.
We were recounting this inci-
dent, slightly enbellished, to a
scholarly acquaintance the other
mealtime. At the conclusion of the
tale he asked, "And do you know
what Webster's last words were ?"
Anxious to learn the final
thoughts of the great Noah, we
hastened to answer in the neg-
ative.
"Zythem," chortled our erudite
friend, "zyxomnia and zizzle."
Her (at Military Ball)-Wait
right here for me, Bill, while I go
powder my nose.
Her (three dances later)-Been
waiting long
Him-No, but I've been looking
all over for you to give you your
compact.
-Drexerd
CHAPMAN CLEANERS
Old Gold Cigarettes
Studebaker
Champion
THE MISSOURI SHOWME
"A Reflection of Modern Campus Thought"
J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather
BUSINESS MANAGER GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR.
EDITORIAL BOARD BUSINESS STAFF MAKE-UP STAFF CONTRIBUTORS
JOHN HARTZELL Bud Barnes Bob Dimke Phil Dessauer Lucille Gupton
CLAUDE RAMSEY Mabel Kinyon Nate Silverman Paul Charles Law James Ragland
GEORGE J. SCHULTE, JR. George Miller Katherine Dougherty Houston Cox
Joseph Powers Bob Duncan Nate Silverman
ART STAFF ADVERTISING EXCHANGES OFFICE STAFF Bill Freemon Clifton Paisley Charles Greever
Vic Take John Jachym Robert Kuelper Patty Veatch Mabel Kinyon Nancy Corsa
Murray Amper Roy Moskop Roy Kelly Margaret Eades
C. V. Wells PHOTOGRAPHERS Martha Jane Myers
William Hartman Dorothy McIntyre
Bob Richards Bob Dimke
George Olcott
TIME FOR REVIVAL
Now that the election sound and
fury is over, everyone can be
friends again, and start thinking
about other things. Getting jobs,
moonlight strolls, and spring
formals.
The Showie Jester was happy
to see so much interest taken in
the election, and he wonders why
some of that enthusiasm can't be
carried along in school spirit, and
school tradition.
It seems that college tradition
has gone out with the roaring
20's, but it was fine and deeply
significant in the lives of those
students who have experienced
of college spirit. Many eastern
colleges, and particularly the
Army and Naval Academies have
many fine customs and traditions
that are unknown throughout the
country.
Let's get the old spirit going at
Missouri. It will mean a great deal
to students now and when they
have graduated.
The author of "Telepathic
Trouble" is a modest chap and
didn't want his name used. Aft-
er reading the story, you'll see
why a shy guy wouldn't want his
name mentioned. For, he vows,
it's based on a bitter experience.
VOL. VIII MAY, 1939 NO. 9
The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional
journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy.
Copyright 1938 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized
exchanging college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams
Hall; office of publication, Stephens Publishing Co., Columbia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed
for return.
HELL, IT'S STILL SPRING by C. V.Wells
LET'S HOLD OUT FOR BEER
Note-All persons herein de-
scribed or mentioned are entirely
fictitious-gad, what a fictitious
lot!-and any similarity to per-
sons living, dead or in campus
politics is purely a matter of con-
jecture.
"Hi, there, fella!"
"H'lo."
"How are ya?"
"Okay, I guess. Why?"
"Oh-oh, nothing. Just thought
I'd ask. Er-say, fella, you voted
yet?"
"What say?"
"Have you voted yet?"
"Say, buddy, how you think
Franklin D. Roosevelt got to the
White House?"
"Oh, no; I don't mean that. I
mean in the school election."
"Who's runnin'?"
"Well, there are two parties
on the ballots, but one of 'em's
not running. They're just stand-
ing still! Ha ha! Pretty good,
huh?"
"No."
"Oh . . . Well, how you vot-
in'?"
"Dunno. Who the communists
puttin' up? "
"Oh, there's no Reds in this
election. They know they couldn't
get to first base. But confiden-
tially, fella, that guy the opposing
bunch is running for president
is really a dangerous radical. Why
he's so pink he rents himself out
as a birthday candle!"
"Well, I don't think I'll vote."
"That's not the proper attitude.
The party needs your vote."
"What office is the party run-
ning for?"
"No, you don't get the idea.
Look. There are two parties, the
Union-"
"Say, that Union party sounds
pretty good to me. I'm a member
of the Hod Carriers' Local No.
312 myself. Wanna see my card?"
"No, no. Let me finish. I want
to tell you about the parties. This
is another kind of union. Besides,
it's more of a dis-union than any-
thing else. Ours is the real un-
ion party-the Double Union."
"Got any other hod carriers?"
"Now look, fella; there ain't
no hod carriers in this election.
Get that straight. You see, there
are two parties, the Independent-
Coalition - Union - Coalition -
Independent and the Coalition -
Independent - Union - Independ-
ent - Coalition. The first one is
called the Union party-for short,
you know- and so we decided to
call ours the Double Union Party.
We got double whatever they got
-just twice as much stuff-see?"
"You got twice as many can-
didates ?"
"No, that's not it. I mean in-
fluence and prestige-that kind
of stuff. And lissen, fella, if
you're an independent, let me tell
you something. We got independ-
ents runnin' for twenty-four of
the twenty-five offices! Whatcha
think of that?"
"What's that other guy doin'
on the ticket?"
"Him? Oh, his dad's a printer,
and did some handbills for us.
We figured nobody'd mind just
one little fraternity man out of
the twenty-five."
"How many independents the
other party got runnin'?"
"Well, they say they got all
twenty-five, but it's a lie-a dirty
lie. I got it straight from one of
the candidates himself that four
of their men are gonna pledge
Triple Upsilon if they get elect-
ed. Three others are already post-
graduates an' will be out of school
in June, and two of the girls
they're runnin' aren't even in the
University. They go to Stephens
College!"
"Well, I'm a Lambda Lambda
myself."
"Ya mean you're a fraternity
man? Well, lissen, fella, now I'll
tell you the real dope on this
election. You boys are in our par-
ty. We're runnin' twenty-four in-
dependents, all right, but twelve
of 'em are good bets to flunk out
of school at the end of the semes-
ter. Ain't that a hot one?"
"A joke, huh?"
"Yeah. But that ain't the best
one. Six of our candidates aren't
candidates at all. They're just
names of race horses down in
Florida."
"Race horses, eh ? I don't think
I'd ever vote for a horse, no mat-
ter how honest he was. But I've
got a couple of bucks I'd like to
put on Seabiscuit, on the nose.
"'Oh, no, I can't take that kind
of money-at least, not for horse-
racing. But anyway, to get back
to the election; after we win we
can fill the offices with anybody
we want to put in. Nobody ever
remembers the names of the per-
sons he voted for. Ain't it slick?"
"Uh-uh. But what if the other
party wins?"
"Don't make me laugh. Those
guys think politics is some kind
of dog's disease! Say, that's pret-
ty good, isn't it?"
"No. "
"Well, okay, fella. But let me
tell you something else. All they-
'll offer you is beer, those cheap-
skates! Why, we're giving free
beer, cigarettes, blotters, old mag-
azines and paper napkins."
"Say, I need some paper nap-
kins."
"And that's not all. After
we're in office, if you ever want
any favors, like gettin' your girl
elected queen or somethin', just
come around and ask it, fella,
that's all-just ask it."
"Say, I might do that. Do
you think you could find me a
girl first?"
Let's not get off the subject.
As a special attraction-for today
only- we're offering to every-
body who votes our ticket from 2
o'clock til 4 this afternoon-a
genuine autographed Petty car-
toon !"
"That's the first sensible thing
you've said so far. Where do I
go from here?"
"Right in that room there. And
remember-a straight party tick-
et!"
"Sure, buddy; nothin' crooked
about me."
"You can get your stuff in-
side the polling room. And say,
fella, how about bringing me a
by
Phil "Farley" Dessauer
hunk of that free beer when you
come out?"
"Hey, Joe, whaddaya think?
I just roped in another one of
those Lambda Lambdas. I told
him his frat was in our party.
Ain't that a laugh! And those
old Petty Cartoons out of Esquire
did the trick again! We shoulda
thought of that a long time ago.
Guess you could say that's lead-
ing a Lambda to slaughter! Ha
ha! Say that's pretty good, ain't
it?
"Say can I borrow your pen?"
"Sure thing."
"Got sheet of writing paper I can
use?"
"Reckon so.
"Going past the post office when
you go out?"
"Uh-huh."
"Mail a letter for me?"
"All right."
"Want to lend me a stamp?"
"Yeh."
"Much obliged. Say, what's your
girl's address?"
"You're an apt boy. Its your
sister apt, too?"
"If she gets a chance, she's
apt to."
-Wampus
Nobody Wins But the Printer
in a Campus Election
The boys over at the Zippy Cab
Company here in our town are
mighty proud of one of their men
-Dubwood Velocity. He has
just won the Save-ty Award for
1938-he has saved more time in
the city streets than all of the
drivers at the Zippy, Zoom and
Woosh cab companies put to-
gether.
Dubwood
I called on Dubwood the other
day just to find out about this
fearless cab driver who boasts,
"My speedometer never fell be-
low the 45 mark last year except
during the winter when it sank
to 32-the same as freezing."
Dubwood is the race-driver
kind of person. He reads religi-
ously about the Barney Oldfields
of the nation, and he often muses,
"what have they got that I have-
n't except contracts to advertise
spark plugs and cigarettes.''
Then he adds, "Put these fast
guys on our own streets and
where would they be?" I bit, so
he answered, "Miles behind us
Zippy drivers. Come with me and
I'll show you what I mean."
As we crawled into his shiny
new Zippy with fenders dented
to match, Dubwood said, "This
won't cost you a cent." Then I
settled back in the seat and pre-
pared to hold tight.
As we headed back up past the
State U. buildings, I noticed a
smile spreaking out through Dub-
wood's whiskers. Seeing that the
speedometer rested on a cool 40,
I asked why the smile. "Watch
me scare those kids up there,"
he replied and his foot tweaked
the foot feed. Then we whisked
up through a group of students
crossing the street and I fully ex-
pected a mess. However, we
missed all the living creatures by
a plucked eyelash. "Boy, that's
close," I sighed. "Open the win-
dow if you're hot," was Dub-
wood's only reply as he sped on.
Next we headed down Ninth
Street toward the city proper. I
watched what I thought were
buildings whiz by outside the
window and for the moment I
feared some cop was going to
come up and ask to see Dub-
wood's pilot's license. But Dub-
wood and I just laughed and
laughed because we knew the
cops couldn't catch up with us-
not unless they took a Zippy cab.
"Ain't this the life," Dubwood
breathed exaltingly as lie turned
and looked back on me.
"Yeah, but aren't you afraid
someone will step out from be-
hind one of these cars?"
Does It
"Naw," he shrugged. "I've
got me cab insured, ain't I. I
wouldn't be touched by anything
like that." Then we sped past
the Zoom Cab and the Woosh Cab
boys. They tossed a couple of
old speedometers at us, but Dub-
wood merely smiled and hurried
on.
We went out to the highway,
but once out there Dubwood
slowed down to a normal speed.
"What's the matter," I asked.
"Federals," he said. "We
ain't taking any chance on run-
ning foul of the federal law.
Them federals is plenty tough."
After several more minutes of
cruising and conversing, we start-
ed back for the Zippy headquar-
ters. As we advanced into the
city, our speed increased until by
the time we got back to One-eyed
Conley Street and past the State
U. grounds, the speedometer
by
Charles Paul Law
jumped back to its old stomping
grounds-the late forties.
As we zoomed down the road,
I noticed that Dubwood was a
little sad. "Shucks," he sighed,
"the classes have already let out.
You ought to be along when
school is just out. The other day
I went between a fellow and his
girl friend. None of the boys
have topped that one yet."
I bid good-bye to Dubwood and
as I walked home, I began turn-
ing the experience over in my
mind. I believe I have learned
how the speed of such men as
Dubwood can be curbed-if not
their cars curbed. Did you no-
tice how leery Dubwood became
of the federal law? Then I be-
lieve the thing to do is begin
working through the income tax
and federal laws.
I have it on good authority
that these Zippy boys have been
carrying a lot of dope around
(ask them who's going to win the
National League pennant and
Again
how the Tigers will come out in
football next season). Also, it is
rumored that they have been de-
claring exemptions on every Ste-
phens Susie they have carried-
and this is strictly in violation of
the constitution.
Mr. District Attorney and gen-
tlemen of the F. B. I.- the next
move is yours!
Style Show Model: "The man-
ager said for you to give me a
pair of French panties for the
ladies' emporium."
New Stock Clerk: "What size
is the ladies' emporium."
Dubwood Velocity Rides Again-But
This Time Without His Pilot's License!
IT'S THE TRUTH
Then there was the near-sighted, pessimistic delicatessen
dealer who was always looking for the wurst.
Some ocean travelers are no more than twelve hours at
sea, when they resemble their passport photographs.
A divorce due to crossword puzzles has been granted in
America. The report does not say who was granted custody
of the dictionary.
Tennyson's "Half a League" referred not to the L. of N.,
hut to the league of which Chicago won the 1938 pennant.
A scientist says that gasoline, kerosene, lubricating oil,
parafin, wax, phenol, pitch and sulphate of amonia can he
extracted from American coal. Apparently, the only thing
that can't be extracted is heat.
It is claimed that a new herb named Hylockrum will trans-
form the most inveterate meat eater into a vegetarian. No
missionary should be without one.
A parking device which enables automobiles to move side-
ways is now on the market. We understand that discouraged
pedestrians are committing suicide by the thousands.
And now city officials are linked with internationally fa-
mous gamblers. We don't however, see how the gamblers
can do anybody about it.
Japan seems to have gone crazy with the hate.
The Chinese must be ferocious fighters. Look what they
can do to a shirt.
And then there's the affliction they can't do any thing about
-athlete's brain.
Parting advice-Put a little water on the comb.
They had just returned from a bridge game at the Allen's.
"That's the kind of husband I'd like to have. Did you hear
him tell Mrs. Allen to go look at some ten dollar hats to-
morrow?"
"And when have I stopped you from looking at ten dollar
hats?"
They came and stole my garments
My furniture and door
But they could not steal my jokes
For they were stolen before.
Friend: I just saw a young man trying to kiss your daugh-
ter.
Modern Mother: Did he succeed?
Friend: No.
Modern M.: Then it wasn't my daughter.
First Gold Digger: What's troubling you, dearie?
Second G. D.: I can't figure out what to do with my old
blades.
VASSAR
Swim Trunks
Prince Albert
Tobacco
Radio Salesman: Madam, you pay
a small down payment and then you
pay no more for three months.
Mrs. Snapper: I'll bet that snoopy
Mrs. Quizz told you all about us.
Two women had just come out of a
local theatre after seeing "Robin
Hood."
"I liked it," said one, "except that
they didn't show the part where he
shoots the apple off his son's head."
"That wasn't 'Robin Hood'," cor-
rected her companion. "That was 'Ar-
rowsmith'!"
Capt. (to private) : Why are you al-
ways behind the rest of the marching
soldiers? Are you yellow?
Soldier: No, sir, but someone has
to stay behind to pick up the brave
heroes.
There should be no monotony
In studying your botany.
It helps to train
And spur your brain-
Unless you haven't gotany.
Edgar: That's a fine suit you're
wearing. Whats your tailor's address?
Charlie: 124 West street.
Edgar: Why, that's where you live!
Charlie: Yes, he's living on my
doorstep.
"Scot: Are you a good caddie?
Caddie; Yes, sir.
Scot: A real good caddie?
Caddie: Yes, sir.
Scot: Are you good at finding lost
balls?
Caddie: That's my forte, sir.
Scot: Well, then, go and find one so
we can begin the game.
Judge: So you beat your wife, kicked
her, hit her with a chain, and threw
her down the stairs. What would you
say if I sentenced you to a year in
jail?
Man: Well-if you want to break up
a honeymoon.
Judge: I'll give you a suspended
sentence, but next time I'll fine you.
"Do you sell dog biscuits in this
rotten little shop?"
"Yes, sir. Will you eat them here,
or shall I send them around to your
kennel?"
Employer (to new bookkeeper):
Why, you've entered all your debit
items on the credit side of the ledger!
What does this mean?
Bookkeeper: I always do it that
way. I'm left-handed.
It Ain't Even Safe to Think
With These Psychic Gals Around
It was a warm, rainy spring
night, the night I knocked hur-
riedly on the door of Professor
Quisby Trisby, teacher of psy-
chology and president of our Am-
ateur Telepathers Club, every sec-
ond Monday.
I know it was raining because
I couldn't have gone to Prof. Tris-
by's house if the weather had been
dry, because I would have had a
date, and I didn't have a date
the night it rained because it
would have meant taxi fare and
I was broke.
Or maybe I did have a date,
and this was later in the evening
after I took the girl home. I
guess maybe it was midnight, the
witching hour.
Prof. Trisby came to the door
in his nightshirt.
"What's the matter, lad?" he
said, noticed the wan look on my
rain-wet face. "Do come in and
dry your things."
I did come in and dried my
things. Then, in answer to Tris-
by's questions I told my story,
which I shall set down here just
as it happened. If I can prevent
anybody else from treading the
path I so innocently took, my
work will not be for naught.
"It's this telepathy business,"
I began. "0 Dieu, 0 melancholia,
0 tempora, 0 mores, O heautonti-
morimenos!"
"Well, well," welled Trisby.
"Don't you like to be able to
communicate your thoughts by
mental telepathy?"
"No !" I said. I could see that
my sacrilegious monosyllable
made the President of the A. T. C.
tremble beneath his nightshirt.
"Just what is your trouble?"
he asked.
"I'm ruining my health and
flunking out of school because
I've been having too many
dates."
"But I don't see what that has
to do with telepathy," said the
Professor. I sighed and stared
glassily at the embroidered samp-
ler over his mantel-piece: "Don't
write-Telepath. "
"Last September I joined your
club and learned how to tele-
path," I said. "That wasn't so
bad, till the girls began joining
the club. Then the trouble start-
ed. I would walk through the
halls, minding my own business,
when suddenly I would see a pret-
ty girl. Well, sir, I would be
looking at the pretty girl and all
of a sudden she would come up
girls, and getting slapped so of-
ten I felt like I was rubbing my
face along a picket fence."
Prof. Trisby screamed with im-
patience. "What's that got to
do with dating too much?" he
screamed.
"It's purely a matter of un-
derstanding the seasons," I said,
arching my eyebrows archly.
"Qu'est-ce que vous voulez
dire?" said Trisby, which, in
English, means "What is it that
you wish to say?" or, translated
idiotically, "What the hell do
you mean?"
"Spring came," I said, "and
not only is it the time when a
young man's love turns fancy,
but it also moreover affects girls.
Blood moves faster, buds come
TELEPATHIC TROUBLES
to me and slap my face, saying:
'I heard what you thought, you
cad__'
"That is bad!" Trisby ad-
mitted.
"I thought so too, but it wasn't
as bad as I thought. My face
gradually became hardened to
slaps, and I was learning to
duck."
"But son, what has that got to
do with the fact that you are dat-
ing too much?"
"I'll get to that, if you'll only
keep your shirt on. I tried, aft-
er a while, to keep my thoughts
. ah . . . on other things.
When a beautiful girl appeared
I would concentrate on my Ger-
man lesson, or on my rock collec-
tion for Geology, or on integral
and differential calculus."
"How did that work?"
"No soap. I'm a strong minded
fellow. Once I put my mind on
something. . . . Well. There you
are. And there am I, walking
through the hall from class to
class..looking at the beautiful
out, the birds sing, and things
are different.
"Now, when I walk through
the hall and see a beautiful girl
and think about differential cal-
culus the girl comes up to me and
says: 'Okay, I'll meet you after
class.' And Professor Trisby, old
as you are you can understand
how hard it would be for a young
fellow to refuse a girl a date. The
weather got warmer and more
and more girls asked me for
dates. My studies were neglected,
I got turned in for F's, and my
entire life has gone to pot!"
"Yes, sir," Professor Quisby
Trisby said sympathetically, rub-
bing his chin. "That certainly
is a hell of a thing. What hall is
it where your pass all these
girls?"
"I played strip poker with a
bunch of coeds last night."
"How was your luck?"
"Best I ever saw."
-Frivol
Page Eleven
There Ain't No Fun in Life
Unless You Can Do a Little Beefing
PROFESSOR "BILLY" PHELPS of Yale in his
recently published autobiography sets down a
partial list of thirty things he hates. It seems
that what a man hates is fully as interesting
as the things he likes.
Professor "Billy" has aversions to female
legs in the daily news; to personal items from
Hollywood; to paint on young faces and a host
of others including foods, books, authors and
special words. Particularly does he dislike the
word gotten.
He says, "I was pleased when a man tele-
graphed his wife, 'Have gotten seats for the
theatre,' and the telegram was received, 'Have
got ten tickets for the theatre,' and she showed
up in the lobby with eight eager friends."
Anyway roaming about the campus we picked
up a few little "hates" of our own from some vic-
ious looking individuals.
For instance. . . .
PROFESSOR JESSE WRENCH, history teacher,
baggy knicker pants wearer and the best "roll-
your-owner" in the University has a perpetual
scowl these days as he notes "all the moon-
faced people walking down the streets hand in
hand passing the time of day with other star-
ry-eyed juveniles cluttering up the walk."
FRANK CLARK, D. U., despises hypocrites.
MIRIAM KORNISH, Stephens, and custodian
of Frank's pin looks with equal loathing upon
the typical Stephens-susie curiosity-also it an-
noys her considerably to see dirt under Frankie's
finger-nails. The D. Uer begged her to keep those
things in the family, insisting meanwhile that he
picked up the dirt in artistic endeavor, but she
averred it had more the appearance of truck-
gardening.
Burly BOB WALDORF, football bruiser, views
with disgust all guys on opposing teams who look
on themselves as All-Americans.. . . wishes
somebody would remove the ladder gracing the
entrance to room 208 of the B. P. A. School.
There seated in this same room was the B. and P.
Aer's demure little private secretary, LORRAINE
POLLARD. The utter, utter sweetness of her
totally belied the vehemence with which she stated
her hate. "Mustaches on male uppers! They are
but the incongruous appurtenances of a defunct
and static personality. Nothing revolts me quite
so much. . . . except perhaps the bloated bel-
lies on green worms."
by
Nate Silverman
Letting Off The Steam
BETTY WOODY, Chi 0 cutie, takes a crack at all
male haircuts, including the Princeton crop,
which makes them look like mugs and thugs.
"Who are they," she demanded, "to refuse to
go out with girls who choose to wear their's up?
The Woody nose sniffed defiantly.
MARY JANE STEVENSON, a beautiful Independ-
ent blonde, has been acclaimed a queen on this
campus many times over. But poor Mary Jane
is a victim of conflicting emotions . . . for al-
though she likes to win queenships, she hates to
display her charms before a barrage of male eyes
that seem to undress her.
This modesty paradox has DUDLEY JUNE BID-
STRUP in its claws too. Dudley admits to a
distaste to talk about himself. Now Biddie, purely
off the record, just WHO made all that Union-
Independent noise a week ago?
Some faculty adviser rail-roaded GEORGE
GECH, Ind. into an English course not long ago
now he can't look the breed in the eye
Forewarned is fore-armed. . .. pray Georgie,
what course is it?
BETTY JACQUE SMITH, Kappa, peers askance at
people without a sense of humor . . . thinks
SHOWME has a sense of humor.
PROFESSOR E. K. JOHNSTON of the Journal-
ism School sums up his aversions in one word,
LIARS.
IZ SKLAR, winner of the beard growing contest
over at the Engine School balks when it comes
time to shave. Iz says his room-mate's pet aver-
sion is to take a girl on a blanket party to toast
marsh-mallows and roast weenies and to find as
the evening grows cold and the stars begin to
twinkle that she really came out to toast marsh-
mallows and to roast weenies. . . . HAROLD
MILLER, the roomie, and fellow engineer counters
with this one about Sklar. He never throws his
dirty socks into the laundry bag, but likes to pile
them up under his bed. PHEW!
He: "Darling, I'm groping for words."
She: "Well! You won't find them there."
-Covered Wagon
"What is home without a mother?" he asked.
"I am tonight," the sweet thing answered.
-Wampus
Page Thirteen
The First Shovelful of
Showme Show
Betty Lou Crisp still has Army Dwyer, Phi Delt,
hanging around her front porch. It's not only true
love, but he likes her Kappa "dhwall"-(drawl, to
you).
Le Roi Dixon, dark and handsome Phi Gam car-
ries the torch for Gerry Rooney, super little Pi Phi.
He has a sweetheart pin, but he doesn't know what
to do with the thing; lie doesn't want to get turned
down. We know how you feel, we got turned down
last Leap Year.
Who were the boys who got so very "skonked"
that they had to be told the next morning that they
had eaten a package of cigarettes?
And another thing, why don't we just forget the
whole goldfish deal? It's not even funny anymore.
Some people just aren't very smart.
Don Boardman, Delt, has a new name. They're
calling him Cupid now. A friend of his from K. U.
called him long distance the other night and asked
him to fix a date with teeny tiny Betty Gillen, Pi
Phi for the said Jayhawker's spring formal. We
haven't heard Gillen's reaction yet, but we're afraid
that she's pretty busy here at home keeping Tommy
James, Kappa Sig, on the run.
"Poor guy can't take it ... He's just been appoint-
ed night-watchman at Stephens."
Page Fourteen
Bette Brooks, Theta, has a definite liking for tall
D. U.'s.
Joe Webber, Phi Sigma Delta, plays around with
all the girls here, but not many of them know that
his heart resides in St. Louis. Not only does it live
there, but it's wrapped, sealed, and delivered. And
he loves it.
More scribbling in notebooks is attributed to
Gertrude Guinn, another Kite girl. She sits and
writes Howard Stanley Wood, Sigma Alpha Ep-
silon, Stanford U., California. If any of you boys
want to send him a threatening letter, here's your
chance.
Betty Jane Peckenpaugh, (we call her bill n' coo)
--(haha) is being seen with Lewis Parks, Sig who is
a prince of a fellow, to say the least.
One of the most glamorous gals on this campus
is Shirley Sanders. It was a long time ago, but it's
still good, we mean Shirley floating around the
Savitar Ball in pink chiffon and black lace. Why
must people call her "the squaw?" Ugh, ugh.
Dale Bowling, upon seeing a mail truck, "Why
is a man, who is a citizen of the United States, like
a letter?" Warren Ruddy, the perfect Stooge: "I
don't know, why?" D. B. (the heel), "Because
they're both U. S. male." I-Ie died quietly.
(More gush on page 18)
Social Worker: Do you owe
any back house rent?
Relief Seeker: We ain't got
any back house. We have mod-
ern plumbing.
-Exchange
DON'T CRY, LITTLE FISHIE
by Maurice Richlin
Come here, little goldfish
And shed a bitter tear
Your race is declining
And your own end is near.
How sweetly you stare
As you lie in my hand.
Soon my fame will be known
Throughout this wide land.
I lift you, suspend you
Till you hang over my mouth.
Wave the world goodby, Goldie,
You're bound for points south.
Chesterfield Cigarettes
PUBLIX SHIRTS
OFF THE RECORD
"Gentlemen, something has to be
done to combat the new movement to
abolish all colleges. It is a silly move-
ment, for we know that colleges do
make a definite contribution to the
civilized world. Think what it would
mean to us if all the colleges should
ever be abolished. Would we have
ever realized the glorious prosperity
of our dream, if it wasn't for the col-
leges?
"What wonderful institutions are
colleges! For years gallant under-
graduates have been aiding us. No
matter how black the situation was,
we could always count on them to
help us out of our difficulties. If the
colleges should ever be abolished,
the world would no longer be a
bright place in which to live. Our fu-
tures would be dismal, black, and
futile.
"Gentlemen, as Chairman of the
Professional Gag-Writing Associa-
tion, I think we should go on record
opposing this new movement, at least
in those colleges where humor maga-
zines are put out.
"Mary," said the mistress of the house reproachfully,
"you told me a little while ago that you were going to have
a sleep."
"That's right, madam," replied the girl.
"Then do you mind telling me what you were doing at
the garden gate just now when the soldiers went by?"
Mary hung her head coyly.
"Having forty winks, madam," she replied.
A little boy went up to his grandfather and said, "Are you
very, very old, grandpa?"
The old man said, "I'm 95, my son."
Then the youngster asked him, "Have you lost all your
teeth?"
And grandpa said, "Yes, my boy. I haven't got a tooth in
my head."
So the lad said, "Well, that's all right. You can mind my
roasted peanuts."
Smith and Jones were at the circus. Smith turned to Jones
and said, "How did Johnson come to be an elephant train-
er?"
"Well," his friend replied, "he used to run a set of per-
forming fleas until his eyesight got bad!"
"Did you hear about the canary with a wooden leg-his
father was a woodpecker."
"Hey! Watch where you're sittin'!"
Central Office
Equipment Co.
STULLKEN-ELLIS, Inc.
The Southern father was in-
troducing his family of boys to
a visiting governor.
"Seventeen boys," exclaimed
the father. "And all Democrats
but John, the little rascal. He got
to reading."
-Green Gander
Enamored: "I think June is
the ideal Prom girl."
Disgusted Roommate: "Yeah,
prominent ears, prominent teeth,
prominent chin."
Enamored: "True, but go on."
-Varieties
"My husband was swept off his
feet when he kissed our pretty
maid."
"Aren't you going to have her
fired?"
"I should say not! That's the
way I like to see a broom used."
-The Log
"What kind of work is your
sister's boy-friend engaged in,
Willie?"
"I think he prints free theatre
tickets."
"You think he prints free thea-
tre tickets? What ever gave you
such an idea?"
"Well, I heard Sis say he was
always making passes."
Angry Father: "What do you
mean by bringing my daughter in
at this hour of the morning?"
Gay Blade: "Had to be at work
at seven."
Then there's the story of the
girl violinist who kissed her violin
good night and took her bow to
bed with her.
She: "I wear this gown only to
teas."
He: "Whom?"
-Old Line
BARTH'S
Showme Show
Now that we're all back from our annual session
with that Easter bunny and have come to grips
with our books (or have we?) let's settle down and
have a good bull session.
Jane Williams, new Theta Savitar queen, is giv-
ing her sisters plenty of trouble. Due to her re-
cent set-to with Delt Don Dittemore, and the illup-
setting consequences, the Thetas aren't allowing
any of their pledges to date the poor dear. He has
more trouble, too, but it's all too complicated to go
into.
Roberta Carver, Tri Delt, in class the other day,
asked if it was permissible for engaged couples to
"neck in public." The only way to find out is to
try it and see, Roberta. She's pinned out at the
S. A. E. house; maybe he'll help her find out.
Among those who went home with their true love
over Easter were Jim Small, who met the parents
of Brickey Casey, Pi Phi, and Pat Curtis, same,
impressed Kappa Sig, Charlie Pitney's family. It
wouldn't have made any difference whether they
did or didn't, the way things are with those moon-
struck kids.
Fred Irion, who recently quit the Showme, be-
cause he wasn't satisfied with an S average, sits
in class and writes over and over-Betty Jane,
Minnesota, Betty Jane, Minnesota. Tsk, tsk, Mr.
Irion, you can't do it that way!
We predict that Bill Freehoff will make very
good time with Martha Jane Meyers now that he
got her elected as one of the Military queens.
In Jeff City recently, Annabelle Lonsberry, D. G.,
and Louise Wilkes, Alpha Chi 0., were seen with
two unidentified blonds. Were you girls celebrat-
ing something or just getting away from it all?
Page Eighteen
it flutters from person to person-was conducting
Pi Phi Marty Payne, who has a fluttering heart-
a "Don't Vote for Dimke" week recently and three
days later they were ogling at each other in the
Evereat. Good old Bob, how does he do it?
Virginia Wolk, No. 1 Tri Delt, loves to listen to
the suth'un drawl of Francis Clark, Delt from "Jaw-
juh." The boys call him "South Man."
When asked if everything had calmed down after
her pinning to Jimmy Plunkett, Sigma Chi, Bobbie
Price said, "Yes, but we haven't."
Tommy Henderson walks about with folded hands
and lifted eyes since the evening that he played
chaperon at a Stephens dance. It seems that he
had a date with his little school teacher again. What
are the Phi Delts coming to?
The rains are bringing out the pins as fast as the
worms. Frances Ann Robnett, Kappa, put out Har-
ry Seward's snake badge, and another will soon
show itself above the heart of Pi Phi Ruth Schif-
flin, which beats only for Dick Brownlee.
We like Stanley Mertel, Lambda Chi. He's a
small town boy who didn't go college the first time
he got away from home. Wish there were more like
you, chum.
While Polly Nichols was gallivanting out in Cali-
fornia, Lacky Johnson was doing the same in Col-
umbia, and at Stephens, too. So, when she got back,
they had a date on a rainy day. Lacky was wearing
someone else's rain coat. As they walked down
the street, he put his hand in the pocket and drew
out-a young lady's absolutely unmentionables!
Pollyanna began to wonder if she should have gone
away or not. . ..
Harzfeld's
DIXIE CAFE
Collegiate Reporter: I've got
a perfect news story.
Editor: How come? Man bite a
dog?
Reporter: No, but a hydrant
sprinkled one.
-Wotougon
"Ah," he murmured as the
light went out in the room across
the street, "Now I can sleep."
-Green Gander
She: John, dear, I wouldn't let
anyone else kiss me like this.
He: My name isn't John.
Professor: Will you men in
the back of the room please stop
exchanging notes?"
Student: They aren't notes,
sir. They're cards. We're play-
ing bridge.
Professor: Oh, I beg your
pardon.
-Widow
The old gentleman was lost in
a London fog so thick he could
barely see his hand before his
face. He became seriously alarm-
ed when he found himself in a
cold, dark alley. Then he heard
footsteps approaching.
"Where am I going?" he asked
excitedly.
A voice weirdly replied from
the darkness, "Into the river.
I've just come out."
-Red Cat
Frozen Gold
Ice Cream
The Jacqueline
Shop
BARBER SHOP BROMIDES
"Just a haircut-I always shave at
home. Skin's too tender."
"Could you also trim the hair a
little while you shave the neck?"
"You should gimme half price -
I'm nearly bald."
"The last barber cut my hair for
ten years. I don't go to him because
he just died."
"What do you do with all the hair
you cut?"
"Gimme the same haircut you gave
me last year."
"Once over twice."
"Don't take too much of my blood.
I'm anemic."
Fortune Teller: I see a tall, stout
woman following your husband.
Client: I'm sorry for her, then ...
he's a postman!
Polly Voo Frawnsay?
Whatcha say?
Do you speak French?
Yes-oh yes.
He: And I've got a gold medal for
running five miles, an' one for ten
miles; a silver medal for swimming;
two cups for wrestling, an' badges
for boxing an' rowing!
She: You must be a wonderful ath-
lete.
He: Athlete? I run a pawnshop.
The landlady brought in a plateful
of extremely thin slices of bread and
butter, which rather dismayed her
hungry men boarders.
"Did you cut these, Mrs. Brown?"
asked one.
"Yes-I cut them," came the stern
reply.
"Oh," went on the boarder. "All
right-I'll shuffle and deal!"
J: How was the horseback riding
the other day?
T: It was all right, but the trouble
was that I had such a polite horse
that when we came to a fence, he let
me go over first.
Sir Walter
Raleigh Tobacco
GIVE ME A SENTENCE WITH
THE WORD . .
Diversify: "I'm bad now, but I'd be
all diversify got married."
Window: "Window we eat?"
Felonies: "John felonies head."
Connive: "My girl is always saying,
connive this and connive that?"
Verified: "I paid ten dollars for it,
verified waited I could have got it
for five."
Symphony: "Let's not have any musi-
cal questions; they all symphony
to me."
Forepaw: "To pick your teeth in pub-
lic would be a forepaw."
Poison: "Some poison is outside to
see you."
Atwater Kent: "Atwater Kent be
cold."
Symptoms: "Symptoms I do, and
symptoms I don't."
Vignette: "Why give up the battle;
we may vignette!"
Panther: "Johnnie lost a button -
now his panther coming down."
Chemise: "I wonder does chemise me
when I'm gone?"
Chagrin: "Why don't chagrin once
in a while?"
Statuesque: "What's statuesque?"
"Hooray! I've got my first case! The Law School is going to
sue me for back tuition."
IF HABIT GOT THE BEST OF US
"Sixty-five cents, sir."
"You mean a dollar and sixty-five
cents."
"No, sir. Just sixty-five. You had
the regular luncheon and a glass of-
"Never mind that, waiter. I can
read, it's a dollar sixty-five!"
"Well, sir. I don't like to argue. So
if you want it that way, I'll take the
dollar as a tip. But sixty-five is all
you owe me."
"Now let's not get into an argument
over this, but I say I owe you a dollar
sixty-five without the tip!"
"OK, sir. But your bill only reads
sixty-five cents."
"You must be blind, waiter. There
it is, plain as day; one dollar and
sixty-five cents."
"Sir, it's your eyes that don't see
those figures straight. Say what line
are you in?"
"Me? I read meters for the electric
company."
ZERO HOUSE
Smit s Studio
Hickory Dickory Dock;
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one;
The Mouse ran down-
That's how Munski got his start,
too.
Caution is the life of the strip
tease dancer. Haven't you seen
her stop, look, and loosen?
-Rammer Jammer
"There's a woman peddler at
the door."
"Show him in, and tell him to
bring his samples with him.
-Gargoyle
The only trouble about being
able to read women like a book
is you are liable to forget your
place. -Record
He called her Pilgrim because
every time he went out with her
he made a little more progress.
-Wampus
DROP INN
SANDWICH SHOP
University Fruit Co.
BURTON'S
FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT
DANIEL BOONE
TAVERN
Life Savers
Three blind mice;
See how they run!
The Student just came out.
The doctor was questioning the new nurse at
the infirmary about her latest patient.
"Have you kept' a chart of his progress?" he
inquired.
The nurse, blushing, replied: "No, but I can
show you my diary."
-Purple Parrot
Ideal spot for a good time: Just the right degree
of longitude and lassitude.
-Owl
He (asking a riddle) : Why is it you have so
many friends?
She: I give up.
-Red Cat
-The Battalion
FREE! A Box of Life Savers for the best
wisecrack!
What is the pest joke you heard on the campus this
week?
Send is in to your editor. You may wisecrack your-
self into a free prize box of Life Savers.
For the best line submitted each month by one of the
students, there will be a free award of an attractive
cellophane-wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver
flavors.
Jokes will be judged by the editors of the publication.
The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions
of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be
published the following month along with the lucky
winner's name.
This Month's Winner-
NATE SILVERMAN
Independent
"There's always something around me that keeps
me from drinking a lot of beer."
"Your husband, I suppose?"
'Nope, my girdle."
Miller's
Superior Shoes
Camel Cigarettes