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Missouri Showme
Jay Show
Issue
Suzanne's
Showme Previews
THE GHOST WALKS
THE TWENTY-THIRD ANNUAL JOURNALISM SHOW
February 12 and 13, 1940
TIME
M onday N ight ................ . .......... ......... .8:30
Tuesday Afternoon ......................................... :15
(Leap Year Matinee)
Tuesday N ight ................. .......... ........ .. 8 : :30
PLACE
University Auditorium (Jesse Hall)
ADMISSION
Unreserved ....................................50 cents
R eserved ...... ....... ....... ....................75 cents
Matinee (all seats) ...................-....-...-- .50 cents
THE CAST
Jane, a University girl .--........---....-- Bette Lee Ambler
Jerry, in love with Jane ............................Ken Koeller
Lou, also in the University ....--......Margaret Young
Phil, in love with Lou .................-.....----- Bill Ferguson
George, a Negro ........--.....---..................-- Bill Freehoff
Lily, a Negress ......................................... June Tilley
Agatha, a housemother .----.............--Mary Jane Winn
Al, a night watchman ..--..................-........Jack Hanes
Adam, an idiot .....---......-..---....---...-- Charles Kufferman
Mahoney, a detective .....................--------......Jim Moseley
O'Heckerty, another detective ..........Clyde Carriker
An alumnus ---------........... --...-.. ----..... ..Thad Haddon
Another alumnus ....---------......................Jack McClosky
Satan .------............. --............--Johnny Hochreiner
Directed by Franceswayne Allen
The Story
(This is the way one of the publicity boys
briefs it) :
It's After Homecoming Game . . . . Two pairs
of Missouri hand-holders have trouble with a house-
mother. . .. They enter the University's under-
ground passages . .. Run into a secret order holding
initiation . .. The heroes, along with nearly every-
body else, are suspected of murder by Boone
County's best . .. Comes the denouement ... The
past will out .. . The end amazes ....
This is an unusual routine ..
Most of the time they kick
their legs and stuff . .
A Thing
Or Two
THE BOYS AND GIRLS will unwrap another
Jayshow in Jesse Hall next Monday and Tuesday.
Judging by the going-in-circles expression on Chair-
man Kunish's face when last we saw him, and by
the girls in shorts we noted at rehearsal, it should
be quite a performance.
The Jayshow hasn't quite the prestige of the
Pennsylvania Mask and Wig Show or the Prince-
ton Triangle Club, but nevertheless, the Ghost may
well Walk with head high in the world of college
theatricals.
And there's no reason why the Jayshow should
not become a Big Thing with a national reputation.
Missouri has the authors, the direction, the actors,
the songwriters and the name to back such an ex-
panding fame. (And well do we recall the touching
sight of Little Kunish kneeling beside his little
bed, hands claspled in front of him, praying to
Almighty God for Fred Waring to come through.)
A couple of good breaks, a song that makes the
Hit Parade and the nickel machines, another Jane
Froman, and the Jayshow will be a household word
to every producer and song publisher from Sarasota
to Seattle.
WHICH BRINGS US to the subject of Legs.
And a very pretty subject, too. You won't see
many bared limbs in the Jayshow's advertising or
promotion, because some taxpayers don't believe
in it, but the chorus does.
Now, there are two schools of thought on Legs.
Those who believe Legs are all right in their place,
and those who believe in finding more places. Shy-
ness alone prevents our coming right out with a
bold statement that we belong to School No. 2.
And speaking of promotion, the best job we've
seen on the Jayshow was turned in by Director
Allen, who showed up in a local eaterie between
rehearsals-in shorts. Under a fur coat, of course.
One more word before the Show Goes On.
We hope the Leap Year Matinee goes over. All
youse gals will be responsible for that. Personally,
we like the idea-a sort of Sitting Sadie Hawkins
Day.
page. two
What's
Inside
JAYSHOW PREVIEW ............................
"The Ghost Walks" in a nutshell. ( No mean
trick, even for a ghost.) Time, place, cast, plot,
enrollment fees-everything about the show ex-
cept the winner of the dishes. It's the Jayshow's
World Almanac, without census statistics; they
are not out yet.
"HOLD THAT POSE!" ......................
At last-reliable advice and tips for novices in
the picture-snapping game. It's a lot of fun,
but more so if the picture, as well as the camera,
clicks. Now you can take shots on dark days,
holding your box camera sideways, fifty feet
away from the subject. Don't expect a picture,
though.
LINE FORMS TO THE LEFT, GIRLS-
IT'S JAYSHOW MATINEE ..................
Leap Year Matinee comes not more than once
every four years, and This Is It. Girls will do
the askin', payin' and hand-holdin' at Tuesday
afternoon's performance. Here's the technique.
CORN OFF THE COB .. ......................
Winding up a two-parter about a girl, four men
and a bottle that was out in the cold until-
well, see for yourself. It's guaranteed to im-
prove your swing slanguage, but let's not draw
any morals ..
SHOWME SHOW .........................................
The regular chase around town and campus,
with a double-length stop at Jayshow rehear-
sals. Names make news, if only because of the
way they're spelled.
ON THE WAX..........................
It's a wonderful "whirl" around the phonograph,
with a couple of new riders in the saddle. Musi-
cal gossip, new recordings, and perhaps a quip
now and then. And a few final notes on the
Dorsey Shindig.
Cover and Jayshow photos by Ben Goldberg
and Ben Kocivar
VOL. IX NO. 6
FEBRUARY, 1940
STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP
The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during
July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi,
national professional journalism fratrnity, as the official humor
and lfterary publication of the University of Missouri. Price:
$1.00 per year; 15c the isingle copy. Copyright 1939 by Missouri
chapter of Sigma Delta Chi; original contents not to be reprinted
without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging
college publications. Exclusive reprint rights granted to College
Humor. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams
Hall; office of publication, Artcraft Press, Virginia Bldg., Colum-
bia, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage
must b6 enclosed for return.
"HOLD THAT POSE, PLEASE"
or
"Don't Watch Those Birdies"
Advice to Camera Fans by LEONA HOWE, Five Minutes
After Interviewing an Expert*
Some people have expensive cameras with a lot of
little gadget things on them and a leather holder that
can be slung esquirishly around the neck and they
always take lovely pictures with just the right amount
of black and white in them. And other people don't.
And those who don't definitely don't.
Maybe you have spent thirty cents on a roll of film
to fit your box camera that you won on a punchboard
or else have had so long that you forget where it came
from. And you see a bush or some little tree with
snow all over it and something in you just cries out,
if you're artistic, or just squawks if you want to send
home a picture of how cold it is. So you whip out
your little box camera, look into the window, weave
a few steps back and forth until you can see the tree,
and then triumphantly click the shutter.
"There," you say to yourself, "I got it!"
And you trudge happily home. Three days later,
or if you luck out and find one of those 24-hour de-
velopment places, you get your films back. (And as
one ardent camera fan puts it, there's nothing quite
like the thrill before you open that manila envelope
and find out Just What Has Happened.)
It is with extreme regret that more space can't
be given to a full and colorful description of the Hope-
ful Photographer's emotions when he discovers Just
What Has Happened. Perhaps he had forgotten to
turn the film over to the next number after taking
a shot of Aunt Sue's prize-winning cow, and the result
seems to be that a cow is sitting on top of a spindly
tree which appears to rest on a pair of very trim
ankles. Or maybe there are shafts of light or the tree
looks as blurred as your face in the mirror after a
Night Of It.
To be impressively technical, just lots of camera
trouble is due to focus. Your camera can have a fixed
focus; that is, it can be focused on the closest point
to the camera that will allow distant objects to appear
reasonably sharp. Furthermore, you can take pictures
of things far away more easily than of things that
are close. So you should never as a rule take a picture
any closer than ten feet away if you're using an aver-
age box camera. Objects about 20 feet away will be
most sharp and distinct. And this doesn't mean that
you can stand at the bottom of Pike's Peak and expect
to get a prize-winning shot of the top, either. You
have to use common sense about those things.
If it's facts you want, the shutter speed on a box
camera is slow, about one-twenty-fifth of a second.
Unreasonable people might think that is plenty fast,
but in the argon of camera men, it's slow. On account
of that slowness you have to curb your flighty im-
pulses and just take pictures of stationary objects or
slowly moving ones.
And above all (this is important) try to calm your
coffee nerves and exam tremors and hold your camera
steady. Brace it on a table or a tree branch or your
roommate's head. Just so it's steady. It's a Serious
Matter when you move your camera, because the
little opening that takes the picture doesn't have time
to take everything in before the camera moves.
If you're going to the auto races or want to get
a picture of dad driving proudly away in the new
car, or if you're hipped about birds on wing, you'll have
less blur on your film if the object is moving toward
you than if it is moving sideways. This may be a
strain on the nerves, especially if you are standing
on a train track, but if you can do it, well all right.
Another thing you can do about snapping moving
objects is called "panning," in camera parlance. To
the initiated this means you move the camera at an
even speed approximating that of the moving object.
If you follow the moving perfectly, the same image
remains in the camera eye. If not, the image flashes
by too fast and you have something else to swear
about. And don't try to follow any whirling dervishes.
(Continued on Next Page)
page three
MORE ABOUT PICTURES
(Continued from Page 3)
Box cameras are limited, in a way, because you
can't change the size of the opening where the light
comes through to the film. And you absolutely must
have light to expose the film properly. If you have
a good camera, you can let more light in by increasing
the size of the opening and therefore won't have to
expose the film so long.
About film. Just ordinary verichrome film is good
in the box type camera for sunlight pictures, whereas
in a more expensive camera you can use verichrome
any time. That fast film called Super XX can be
used in the box to take pictures on cloudy days and
in the shade, too. However, if you use the fast film
in sunlight, the pictures will be overexposed, a com-
mon ailment of maybe-Life-will-accept-it beginners.
If your camera has little gadgets along a metal strip
that regulate the opening of the shutter, you're lucky.
These are called "stops." Many cameras have four
of these; others, more. On dark days, use the largest
of the openings (to let in more light) and on sunny
days the smallest opening. You either have to cut
light down or let in more in this game. So if you're
aiming at snow, or sand on the beach, or snapping
your mirages on the desert, less exposure of the film
is required than when taking pictures of average sub-
jects and background.
Most persons who don't know much about picture-
taking have been impressed by the worldly talk of
those who speak of the "f" system. You can't and
don't need to worry about this if your camera doesn't
have an Iris diaphragm and numbered stops. An Iris
diaphragm is, well, hmmm . . . Anyway, it has sort of
folds or strips of black that lap over each other and
can be spread out or narrowed down to change the size
Happy Birthday!
pagIe four
of the opening. The relationship between the numbers
runs like this:
Each of these numbers in the series is twice as big
as the preceding one. This means that if you want
to take a picture of a fast-moving object, such as a
racehorse, you must use 1/400 of a second exposure
(4.5) to keep from getting a blur. If you could mem-
orize the corresponding exposure speed at any one
of the stops for the different light conditions, then you
could figure up the correct exposure at the rest of the
stops. (The time needed increases as you go to the
right, grows less as you read to the left.) The object
of the small stops is to increase the depth of the focus.
Practically speaking, this means so that a chair or
something that is nearer to the camera than the ob-
ject, and the background, will not be blurred even
though the object itself is in focus.
If you're dead set on getting a picture of roomy
at work in his b. v. d.'s or of roomy with cold cream
and bobby pins, depending on your respective roomy,
then a time exposure is the best thing for you. If in
the daytime, using the light from the windows, put
the camera on a table or some stationery object, open
the shutter (not touching the camera itself) and leave
open for about five to ten seconds. This is an average
length of time and should do the dirty work. You
don't need to turn your camera on unlovely objects
all the time, though. All explanations herein are purely
relative and illustrations purely imaginary, and should
not be considered the Last Word by Anybody.
Of course, the world is full of how-to-do-it mag-
azines and books now, and you probably have an
illustrated booklet with your cameras anyway, so you
won't pay a bit of attention to anything that's been
said. But don't ever say nobody ever told you.
*The "expert" referred to on the title page is E. L.
McPeak, instructor of Press Photography.
A lunatic was trying to knock a nail into a wall.
But he had the head of the nail against the wood and
was hammering the point.
At length he threw down the nail in disgust and
said: "Bah! Idiots! They gave me a nail with the
head at the wrong end."
Another inmate of the asylum who had been
watching, began to laugh.
"It's you that's the idiot," he said, as he jerked
his thumb toward the opposite wall. "Nail was made
for the other side of the room."
-Exchange
The mask is part of the coach's scheme
To conceal this girl on his all-boys' team.
Life Savers
FREE! A BOX OF LIFE SAVERS
FOR THE BEST WISECRACK!
What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this
week ?
Send it in to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself
into a free prize box of Life Savers!
For the best line submitted each month by one of the stu-
dents, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane-
wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors.
Jokes will be judged by the editors of this publication.
The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions
of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be
published the following month along with the lucky win-
ner's name.
"To be a successful policeman, you must have brains,
strength, imagination, and an empty watch case."
"An empty watch case?"
"Yeah, a crook might come along and give you the
works."
Tough? Why every time he stuck out his tongue he
broke a tooth.
SIMILIES
Depressed as a guy who burns a hole in a coat of a two-
pants suit.
Annoyed as a great screen lover whose wife runs away
with the chauffeur.
Sincere as Uncle Don's radio laugh for the kiddies.
Dejected as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.
Charming as the president of the fraternity before you
pledge.
Quiet as the defeated candidate the morning after elec-
tion.
As unconcerned as the Japanese general who sends his
best silk shirts to a Chinese laundry.
Fluctuating as a hitch-hiker's time-table.
Mary: Did you pick a daisy's petals to see if Jack loves
you?
Jane: I'm not taking any chances; I'm using a three-
leaf clover.
The garage mechanic shouted to the proprietor, "Doctor
Smith's car is outside here with a flat tire."
The proprietoi yelled back, "Diagnose it as a case of
flatulency of the perimeter and charge him $5."
The major menaces on the highway are drunken driving,
uncontrolled thumbing, and indiscriminate spooning. To
put it briefly, hic, hike, & hug.
"Beg pardon, is this seat taken?"
"Line Forms to the Left, girls
-It's Jayshow Marinee!"
"The Ghost Leaps"-It's Leap Year
By ROSALIE SANDOZ
"Woo, Woo, Woo, WooOO! I'm seein' crazy!"
No, that isn't a new fraternity song, but the ghost
chorus calling all girls, drag or stag, to the Leap Year
matinee of Jay Show.
The ghosts warn all co-eds, Stephenites, and Chris-
tianettes that the time to select their favorite men is
for Tuesday afternoon.
The lineup of likely males includes many types
(or tripes!) Heading the list is the Glamour Boy.
Here's the chance to put him under obligation, and
after a couple dates, something besides mumps may
develop.
The Big Burley Bruiser, after a season of tack-
ling the opponent's end man, finds the mob before
the auditorium entrance a pushover. His escort will
be sure of a front row seat-no matter how late they
come.
Another way to insure a seat is to bring a B.M.O.C.
With his influence he can breeze in any time, any
place.
Or ask the Chump. He will insist on paying for
the tickets-and if they've been purchased in advance,
he will be good for dinner and the evening's entertain-
ment afterwards. (A girl has to consider those angles.)
And there's the Doodle. The girl is obligated to
him and she doesn't want to take him to the sorority
party.
Most girls will avoid the Hand Holders, especial-
ly those who insist on fervent squeezes at all the
emotional parts of the show, and the Guffaws and Knee
Slappers.
The principals-They'll be there.
And last of all-and also least-the Mouse. The
girl who brings him does so because it's the style to
have a man along, and this one is quiet and won't re-
quire much attention.
Hints for meeting new prospects, include dropping
the handkerchief, tipping the taxi driver with a five,
and fainting before the drug store stag line.
Since it's Leap Year, anything goes. Examine
Mizzou's last year's year book and pick a Romeo.
(Probably the photographer removed his adolescent
skin and combed his hair.) Find his number and give
him a buzz.
If he doesn't answer, pass out cigarettes and
matches on the steps of Engine school. One of the
fellows might like the current brand.
The classified ads also bring results. Bargains
are found at a cent a word. Here's an example of a
go-getter:
"WANTED-A man in circulation with blue eyes
and bronze curls. Must be slick dresser, wealthy, and
have a car. Moderate drinker. Accomplished dancer
and smooth line. Likely to succeed. Must furnish
good recommendations. Call 4910, 3rd floor Heaven."
Those who are not so particular might run this:
"WANTED-A man. Those with knock knees
and paunches need not apply. Call 2211 and ask for
Maisie."
Remember this is Leap Year-and the girl pro-
vides the four bits for each of the tickets and foots the
bill for cokes and cup cakes. (Note: Co-eds may sub-
stitute a more potent beverage-coffee, maybe.)
Girls must recognize, as the men do (or anyway
should), that the persons they ask have a right to
say "No." Nothing gives a man the jitters more than
the idea of being "roped in."
If the man seems disinterested in the girl after
the curtains of "The Ghost Walks" fall, and she real-
izes he merely came for a free show and obviously
doesn't intend to call her back-the girl may propose
to the ill-mannered brute. Then, to save himself
socially, he must buy her either a silk dress or a five-
pound box of candy-each of which will leave a hand-
some profit over the afternoon's expenditures.
The girl who believes Leap Year dating is a big
racket will sensibly save her money by answering the
ghosts' bidding by coming with a girl friend.
Ye screwy correspondent will be seeing all girls,
with or without men, at the devil's tent Tuesday
afternoon.
page seven
Corn Off the Cob
A Musical Dilemma Finishes With Fanfares
By THOMAS WOLFF
Now it all -comes back:
CYMBALS was a good drummer-one of the
best. But only when he had a little liquor inside
him. And he fell in love with
KAY RAY, singer, who couldn't stand the fiery
stuff. For her, Cymbals gave up drinking. But
his work on the drums became second-rate, and
that was disastrous to the boys in the band of
BEN HARRIS, in whose outfit both Cymbals
and Kay performed. With the band falling apart,
Ben-who's telling the story-goes to his tenor
sax man,
JERRY STOKES, who always helps out with
ideas. True to form, Jerry comes through.
"You've gotta fire Cymbals," he tells Ben.
To this proposal Ben doesn't agree until he talks
over the whole thing with Kay. But she won't
give in, tells Ben she and Cymbals are to be
married, and leaves the leader stranded in the
hotel dining room.
Now, take it away ....
"DAMN!" I said to myself three or four times.
"Damn!"
But that didn't help any, either. Here I was, sitting
and watching two kids ruin everything. Two nice
kids. But, more than that, real cats. Hell, there was
no telling how swell they'd be in another coupla years
-they'd go right to the top, that's what. Right to
the top, and brother, that's really something in this
sappy business. Really something.
Jerry came in and sat down and I poured out my
woes to him. He just grinned and said he didn't
think it would do any good to talk with Kay and
that he had phoned Bill Burgess, and Bill was coming
over the next day. Now Bill was a pretty fair suit-
case man-not as good as Cymbals, but pretty solid-
and he'd been in the business a long time. So I said
okay to Jerry-it was the only thing we could do to
save the combo from going to pieces....
Well, Cymbals was worse than ever that night, so
after the job, I squirmed to the back row and told
him about Bill coming.
"So I'm canned?" he asked.
"Sorry, Cymbals," I said.
"That does a hell of a lot of good."
"Can't help it," I said.
He started tearing down his traps and putting them
away, not saying a word. I expected him to take a
page eight
drink out of the bottle I offered him, but he looked
at it like he'd never seen one before.
Bill was all right the next night, and the band picked
up. I began thinking we wouldn't lose the job after
all. But Kay wasn't feeling good and didn't sing with
us. The crowd set up a howl for her, so Jerry went
out at intermission to find her-he said. But he didn't
come back and Kay didn't come down, so I figured
the band must be breaking up. And after the dance,
I drank a couple of scotches and went to bed. I felt
as rotten as an alligator at a symphony concert.
My phone rattled my brains to pieces at 5 o'clock-
yeah, I mean a. m.-and after cussing it a while, I
grabbed it.
"H'lo!" I yelled.
"Mr. Harris?" That deep, husky tonal quality.
"Yeah-and what the hell's the idea of-"
"Mr. Harris. This is Miss Ray. I'm hereby tender-
ing my resignation-"
"What the-"
"I'm quitting. Find another sucker to sing with
your band. I'm quitting."
The receiver on the other end hitting the hook
practically knocked me out of bed, and I stumbled
into my slippers and pants, grabbed my heavy re-
hearsal baton for the purpose of breaking it over
Jerry's head if I could find him, and rushed out into
the hall. There, outside my door, was Jerry, grinning
like an idiot.
"Everything's going according to plans, general!"
he beamed.
"According to plans, is it? According to whose plans.
Why, you-you grinning ape!" Then-I got real sweet.
"Jerry, old pal, do you know what you and your
damned plans have done?"
"Yep."
"Well, let ME tell you. You've ruined the band.
You got me to fire Cymbals, and now Kay's quit.
And you stand there grinning-like a-a-an ape."
"That's the idea, maestro."
"Who the hell you working for-some other band-
or the musicians' union?"
"Calm down, Ben. You'll see. Now, your job is
to go down to Kay's room and try to talk her out of
leaving. I'll do the rest."
"You've done too much now."
"Okay, I just wanted you to be there for the kill."
"Whose kill?" I came back, but I went on down to
Kay's room. Things couldn't be any worse, I figured.
I knocked on the door and a sobby voice called:
"Stay out!" But I barged in anyhow. This was no
time for conventionality.
Kay was stretched out on the bed, blubbering. She
grabbed a shoe as if she were going to throw it at me,
but she didn't. Then I saw she was as wet as a jitter-
bug after a round of "Twelfth Street Rag." Her hair
was stringing down her face and neck and her gown
looked like a shower curtain. And behind all that she
was crying and shivering.
"What in the cockeyed world-?"
"Oh, you and your damned music business-get
out of here!" That was pretty strong language for Kay,
and it stumped me for a while. I just stood there
staring.
warmth under his belt. Good gosh, I couldn't make
her take her clothes off and get in bed, could I? So,
I plopped into the chair and cursed Jerry under my
breath.
A bang on the door, and I opened it. There stood
Jerry, with a guy with glasses and a mustache and a
black bag.
"I'm Dr. Gregory," the guy with the glasses said,
clearing his throat. "I was told Miss-er-Ray had
been exposed to-er-pneumonia and-er-"
"Come in, doctor," I said, trying to figure out
where I'd seen him before.
LOVE, LUCK AND LIQUOR KEEP THE PLOT A-BOILIN'
AND LEAVE A "SUITCASE MAN" HOLDING THE BAG. ....
"What happened to you?" I shuffled toward her
a little.
"I'll tell you what happened, you-you fiend! I'll
tell you what happened. Your man Jerry Nelson
pushed me into the swimming pool down at Larson's
Resort. That's what happened-"
"Jerry pushed you into the pool?"
"Oh, of course, he'll say it was accidental. Of course,
he'll say that. But he shoved me in-" and she fell
over on the bed and started blubbering again.
Well, I hate crying women. Every man does. So I
went over and tried the brotherly approach.
"Look, Kay," I said. "You're going to catch a hell
of a cold if you lay there like that. Better-"
"Get out of here, will ya'? Leave me alone." And
that left me just as helpless as Cymbals without a little
Jerry and the doctor started laughing and
slapping each other on the back.
Kay sat up in bed when the doctor went over to
her, and didn't resist when he pushed a thermometer
into her mouth. He grabbed her wrist and looked at
his watch. She just sat there, too worn out to do
anything.
"Miss Ray," he said, shaking his head after looking
at the thermometer, "you're going to be pretty sick
unless you get out of those wet clothes and into bed.
I'll prescribe something for you."
"All right," she said, wearily, and went into the
dressing room.
Being a gentleman, I walked out of the door with
the doctor.
Outside was Jerry again, and he and the doctor
started laughing without making any noise and slapping
each other on the back. t
"What the hell's so funny?" I muttered.
"Don't you recognize your new suitcaseman?" Jerry
gurgled.
And the doctor took off his glasses for a moment
and I saw he was Bill Burgess. But I didn't laugh.
"Jerry," I growled, "you're fired. There's no joke
in all this business. It's a criminal offense to im-
personate a doctor."
But Jerry just kept laughing and spouting: "Just
wait! You ain't seen nothing yet! Just wait."
I was getting pretty sore, when Kay called from the
other side of the door: "All right, doctor."
Bill adjusted his glasses, straightened his face and
went in. I followed him, still figuring things couldn't
get any worse. But I was wrong.
As soon as Bill got into the chair, he opened his
bag and fumbled around in it a while. Then he drew
out a bottle of coughsyrup and poured some in a
spoon. Kay drank it, turning up her nose. Then he
poured another spoonful and made her drink it. He
followed this with a couple of pills.
I was just sitting there praying that no cop would
bust in or anything, when a knock came at the door,
and a bell-hop walked in, carrying a tray with two
glasses of steaming lemonade on it.
"What's that?" Kay asked suspiciously.
"Some hot lemonade I had sent up," the "doctor"
replied. " 'Course, I'm a young doctor, but I have
old ideas on treating some things. For instance, this
(Continued on Page 21)
page nine
Showme Show
Pardon us, folks, if we seem to
concentrate on Jayshow doin's, but
it's that time of year, and besides,
the boss says this is the Jayshow
issue.
Chorine Martha Myers appar-
ently has an unhappy faculty for
getting into embarrassing situa-
tions. One Wednesday afternoon
she was supposed to model clothes
at a jelly spot. Forgetting about
her engagement until the last min-
ute, Martha breezed out on the
platform clad in typical campus
clothes, complete even to books
under her arm.
When her turn came to model,
the announcer read a description
of a black date dress with black
handbag and accessories. Was
M. M.'s face crimson as she did her
turn in a tan sweater, blue skirt and
anklets!
Anyway, it passed for comic re-
lief, and the onlooking jellybugs
jes' laughed and laughed. ...
"FERGY" A TROUPER
A real trouper is Tenor Bill
"Fergy" Ferguson, one of the Jay-
show leads. Ill with a mild touch
of flu, with a sore throat and pound-
ing headache for good measure, he
nevertheless was right on deck for
rehearsals in the best theatrical
tradition.
Frankly, we think two of our
male scouts are either a little be-
fuddled or have different measur-
ing-sticks for beauty. One of 'em
comes back from rehearsal with the
advice: "Keep your eyes (if you
can) on that third from the left in
the chorus!" And the other reports:
"Boy, don't miss that third gal
from the right!" Well, we'll ogle
'em both, just to be safe.
page ten
Corniest crack at rehearsal:
George - "Waal, Lily, honey, ah
'spects dis is de finale." Lily-"Yo
kin jes' make mine choc'lat!"
They say June Tilley must have
burned out a few fuses with her
rendition of "I Want to Love and
Be Loved" at one of the practice
sessions. Also that Leading Lady
Bette Lee Ambler's "oomphatic" vo-
calizing on "Chimes in the Tower"
is something to arouse the old
school spirit. . . .
HE JUST BABBLES
Chuck Kufferman really doesn't
get much chance to wow the audi-
ence with his gag lines. For the
most part his speeches sound some-
thing like "ooble, glub bubble."
Those big white footsteps around
the campus were a good promotion
idea, even if nobody knew what
they were and the janitors cleaned
'em off early in the morning.
Watch out for these songs: "Give
Yourself a Chance," "Chimes in the
Tower," "I Gotta Have You for
Me," and "Tiger Victory March."
Another scout reports that some
of the impromptu gags pulled by
members of the cast were better
than the original script, but then,
the original script was clean ....
But enough of Jayshow for now:
See you at Jesse. Meanwhile, the
Showme Show must go on ....
The W. S. G. A. girls are giving
another dance. This time it is not
a skirt swing, but a shirt swing. It
seems every boy and every girl must
wear a shirt, so the Columbia stores
can prepare for a run on shirts.
Girls are going to wear them tied
around the waist, and plaids and
stripes are going to come to the
"front!" Boys will not be admitted
if they're wearing coats. And if the
girls propose and the boys don't
accept, instead of having to buy
candy or a dress it has to he a new
shirt for the girl.
This leap year event is coming off
March 2, and the boys will really
get a break, for not only will they
get a free dance, but several of the
sorority houses are going to have
their dates out for dinner before
the dance-free meal too.
If the glamour boys have the
right "line" they will travel from
shirt sleeves to shirt sleeves.
If Delta Gamma Doris Mansur
got a telephone call from an ad-
mirer who swore he loved her mad-
ly and couldn't figure it out, just
drop around to the SHOWME of-
fice and we will explain all. It
seems some little girl used your
name the other night .
FAST WORKER
Gus Peterson, Lambda Chi prexy,.
had his first date with Gamma Phi
Rosemary Myers the other night.
He left her at the door, walked
down the steps, turned to two of
his waiting fraternity brothers, and
said dramatically, "Gee, fellows,
one more date and I'll bet I could
hold her hand."
Howard West took Sig Ep Tres
Goetting with him to Kansas City
about two weeks ago to visit his
grandmother. Howard left Tres a
minute saying, "I'm just going over
to tell the girl next door 'hello'."
He went out, smeared some lipstick
on his face, mussed up his hair, and
came back saying, "Gee, she sure
was glad to see me." Tres, his face
reddening, said, "Oh, you needn't
have hurried."
(Continued on Page 16)
"So I says to her, 'Here I am, slaving over a hot stove all day ...'"
Jan. 5, 1939.
Dear Jack:
It happened last night. I walked into
the room and there she was. I spent
the whole evening trying to find
someone to introduce us, but dizzy
Mable whom I brought wouldn't let
me out of her sight. Just wait and see
I'll meet her, yet.
Your Pal,
Bert.
Jan. 11, 1939.
Dear Jack:
I met her. And she's more wonder-
ful than I even thought. What a little
actress; I know darn well she likes
me, but she wouldn't let me know.
She's just trying that old stand-offish
stuff, but I know I got her. She seemed
sort of embarrassed to find out what a
big shot I am as she tried to change
the subject all the time. I wanted tcr
walk her home, but she said she had
arranged with her father to take her
home. That was sort of funny because
after she left me I heard her telephone
her home and ask her father to meet
her. I guess he had forgotten all
about it.
As ever,
Bert.
Jan. 15, 1939.
Dear Jack:
At last I got that date. It happened
in a funny way. I kept calling her,
but she was always busy. One day,
though, she sort of hinted that she
wanted to go out with me. She asked
me what I was doing Saturday night,
and I told her nothing. Then she
asked me what I was doing next Sat-
urday night, and
when I told her
again I wasn't do-
ing anything, she
asked me why I
didn't try taking a
bath. I guess maybe
she was leading up
to arranging a stand-
ing date for Satur-
day nights, but she
was too bashful to
tell me. I asked her
if she was free any
night, but Tuesday, and she told me
she took zither lessons, and only
went out Tuesdays. So I asked her to
a formal next Tuesday. She sort of
liked that and agreed to break her
standing date, just to go out with me.
Oh boy!
Your Pal,
Bert.
Jan. 22, 1939.
Dear Jack:
Well, it's all over. I found out she
was not the girl for me, so I gave her
the air. Gosh I did everything to give
her a good time, too, and all I got
was a bunch of dirty looks.
My Uncle Walt gave me some
tickets for the Undertakers' Conven-
tion which was having its grand ball,
on Tuesday. I didn't tell her about it
because I wanted to surprise her. She
was amazed and
for a moment she
couldn't say a word.
When she recov-
ered her tongue, she
didn't say a.n y-
thing anyhow. She
said she needed a
drink, so I got her
a coke. I won-
dered if someone
died, because she
acted like she had
a great sorrow. I
then found out it cost a buck extra to
dance, so I suggested we sit around
and watch for a while. I was in the
middle of my hitch-hiking story,
when she got a headache, and she
wanted to go home. I got a little sore
because I enjoy listening to the music.
I guess she just isn't the intellectual
type. It was beautiful out, so I sug-
gested walking her home. It was only
twenty blocks. Well, I thought she'd
explode, and I didn't exactly like it
when she handed me carfare and
then hailed a cab and went home
alone. As you can see, I guess we
don't click, so I'm giving her the air.
Your friend,
Bert.
Professor: Why were you away yes-
terday ?
Student: I was ill.
Professor: Have you a medical cer-
tificate?
Student: No-I was really ill.
First Cannibal: Is I late for din-
ner?"
Second C: Yes, you is. Everybody's
eaten.
Coed: I had a date with an absent-
minded professor last night.
Coed No. 2: How do you know he's
absent-minded?
Coed: He gave me a zero this morn-
ing.
DEAR JACK
Chesterfield Cigarettes
Sir Walter
Raleigh Tobacco
GIRL-OSOPHY
Every man looks back to the days
of real sport, and every girl to the day
of real sports.
When a girl is plastered, she's sure
to become stuck on some man or other.
Our grandmothers believed that
there was a destiny which shaped our
ends, but the modern girls place more
faith in girdles.
"You're the type of man that will
go far," said the girl as she. turned
down a date.
Then there was the girl for her
beautiful eyes.
Many alumna has had a difficult
time to remember all her clasp mates.
Senior: Say I think we've paddled
this Frosh before.
Soph: I thought the base was fa-
miliar.
"I trust we shall be able to make
you feel at home," said the hotel man-
ager to the visitor.
"Don't trouble yourself," he re-
plied. "I don't want to feel at home.
That's why I came here!"
In comparison with animals, man is
poorly clothed to meet the rigors of
winter, says a zoologist. At least, no
animal ever gets caught in a snow
storm with his coat in hock.
Wife (to husband) : Haven't you
anything nice to say about my
mother?
Husband: Yes, she objected to our
marriage.
"Oh, he's quite a flute player.
Every time he opens his mouth, he
puts his flute in it."
"What would you call a man who
has been lucky in love?"
"A bachelor!"
She was only an optician's daugh-
ter. Two glasses and she made a
spectacle of herself.-Punch Bowl.
He: "Woman's greatest attrac-
tion is her hair."
He: "I say it's her eyes."
He: "It is unquestionably her
teeth."
Another: "What's the use of sit-
ting here lying to each other?"
-Pell Mell
Caller: "I would like to see the
Judge, please."
Secretary: "I'm sorry, sir, but he
is at dinner.
Caller: "But my man, my errand
is important."
Secretary: "It can't be helped,
sir. His honor is at steak.-Medley
He asked for burning kisses;
She said in accents cruel:
"I am a red hot mama
But I ain't nobody's fuel!"
-Jack-o-Lantern
BLISS
She was too busy living
To think about fate,
And too busy eating
To think about weight.
-Duke 'n' Duchess
"Where's Cadet Fritzleproof?"
"A. W. O. L."
"Whatta ya mean?"
"After women or liquor?
-Awgwan
"Why does Geraldine let all the boys kiss her?"
"She once slapped a lad who was chewing tobacco."
' -Green Gander.
It was intermission at the dance and everybody came
inside for some fresh air. -Green Gander.
GOOD CLEAN FUN
You look so sincere when you swear to be true,
When you say that you'd die on my behalf.
And so I promise that I'll be faithful, too-
Anything for a laugh. -Green Gander.
The Jacqueline
Shop
Commandant-"Did you take accounting at col-
lege before you came here?"
Mid'n-"Yes, sir, I had a short course in it."
Com.-"Then perhaps you can account for the silk
lingerie you sent to the laundry last week." -Log.
FIRST HE HANGS UP HIS HAT
"You're asking am I a good cook?" said the wife
of a traveling man to a friend. "Why, my husband
is just crazy for the pot roast I make. In fact, when
he comes home from the road it's the second thing he
asks for!" -Froth.
page fifteen
ON THE WAX
Men, Moods
and Music
A rounder by the handle of "SHE
HAD TO GO AND LOSE IT AT
THE ASTOR" is currently catching
all ears. The lyrics to this "script-
tease" are written in the "double"
manner which no doubt has influ-
enced a 300,000 sale of this record
to date.
Another "buffalo box" fave is the
"tempotent" and jively" "720 IN
THE BOOKS," by Jan Savitt, the
"It's-a-wonderful-world" man.
Little known in Columbia as yet,
but really rare in "barber-ous shop"
harmony ,is a new disc by the sound
and solid Mills Bros of "Sweet Ade-
line" and "Old Mill Stream."
If you like to pick 'em while
they're up and coming, keep an eye
on Woody Herman. Long in the
"underdoghouse," with those true
blces "sending" on more and more
radios each week, he should be get-
ting top bookings soon.
Welcome news to Artie Shaw de-
votees is the story, according to
"Downbeat," that he will return
some time in April with a nine-piece
outfit. Those "nine new men" will
allow true jazz work that is next to
impossible in the customary com-
mercial cast of thirteen to fifteen
men.
Climax of a good band year at
Columbia so far will be the coming
of Jimmy Dorsey, exponent of
"reed-ing," riding, & "rhythmatic,"
to the Pan-Hel session. Dame
Rumor has it that a certain REX-
ford, king of Pan-Hel this week,
hopes it isn't a one night stand-up!
Campus-wise, your copy-cats are
anxious to revive a "Modern Choir"
along the lines of Eldon Jones'
group of last year. If anybody's
interested, please drop us a line,
care of Showme.
*Any resemblance to characters
living, dead or decadent, is purely
non-political.
B. Y. and J. M. C.
page sixteen
The Brown
Derby
SHOWME SHOW
(Continued from Page 10)
A. T. O. Hammond Holt keeps
the Gamma Phi telephone busy
calling Maurine Carlock.
Lambda Chi Billy Raines finds
Stephens cutie Lida Stole-a little
southe'n girl-just his type.
The Phi Sigs announce a new
pledge-or at least a new boarder
-in the "person" of Sargon III,
"Sarg" is a toy bulldog, and was
brought all the way from St. Louis
by Harry Schultz, who probably
thought he wasn't causing enough
trouble.
Prize quotes of the month, by
Don Stein, B and P A 'er, on the
first day of the new semester:
"There I was, all ready to turn over
a new leaf and take notes-and the
darned pen ran dry!"
Virginia Bramwell, Delta Gam-
ma, and Walt Kennedy, Sigma Nu,
haven't done so well together since
the night he decided to pay off a
bet he'd made with another girl.
It happened to be the night of his
standing date with Miss Bramwell.
And because Pete Funk, SAE,
doesn't have a pin yet to give Pat
Dickie, DG, she's wearing his high
school fraternity pin instead. It all
adds up to the same thing, she
explains.
"Did you kiss my daughter?"
"Sir, you flatter me. I kissed the
maid's daughter."
"Sir, you flatter me."
He-You're Mac West, aren't
you?
She-Hell, no. I'm June West-
thirty days hotter than Mae.
-Kickapoo
'TAINT FAIR
Chaucer and I wrote a dirty story,
Bawdy and lewd from the start.
But mine, people said, was porno-
graphic,
And Chaucer's was classical art.
-A wgwan
The box of life savers for
February goes to David
Aherne, freshman in Arts
and Science.
The bull session had
swung around to the subject
of nationalities. After a few
members had given their
pedigrees, attention was cen-
tered on Dan L., a non-
teetotaler whose mainstay
in conversation was his abil-
ity to hold liquor.
"Say, Dan," someone
asked, "What's your nation-
ality?"
"Probably half Scotch and
half soda," piped Aherne.
Having registered as Mr. and
Mrs. Smith, he turned to his wife.
Is a room without a bath all right,
dear?
Sure, mister.
-Widow
The drunk tottered along the
curb. Several times he slipped off
into the gutter. Each time he clam-
bered on the sidewalk again.
"Long Stairway," he muttered...
-Banter
FOOLING
Gal (in movies): Bill, someone's
fooling with my knee.
Bill: It's me, babe, and I'm not
foolin'.
-Urchin
A nasty old Scotchman, McVeck,
Was as tight as the boards in a deck.
Both his arms did he break
So he wouldn't mistake
And carelessly reach for the check.
-Pelican
The Jacqueline
Shop
FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT
College Theatre Company
My Night
By WALT (ELEANOR) GELB-EVELT
The president wasn't feeling well
this evening so we decided to stay
at home, in the White House, you
know, and chat about things.
Oh, you know what things we
chat about. There is the third term
problem, and the war in Europe-
there is a war in Europe, you know.
We talked about those things last
night. And then the president ask-
ed me what we were going to have
for dinner, and I told him meat
balls and macaroni. And he said
fine, because he always likes meat
balls and macaroni-with catsup,
you know.
Then the president asked what
we were going to have for break-
fast, and I told him grapefruit with
bacon and eggs, over easy. And
the the president said that was
fine because he likes grapefruit with
his bacon and eggs, over easy.
After that we sat and looked at
the fireplace for awhile. There was
page eighteen
no fire in it. The president didn't
feel like going out into the back
yard for wood, so we just sat and
stared at the empty fireplace.* Soon
the president asked me what we
were going to have for lunch to-
morrow. And I told him there would
be meat balls with macaroni, warm-
ed over, with catsup. And the
president said that was fine be-
cause he likes catsup on his meat
balls and macaroni warmed over.
The president lit up a cigaret and
smoked it silently for a few mo-
ments. Then he asked what I was
planning for tomorrow night's din-
ner. And I told him I wasn't sure,
but I was thinking of having meat
balls and macaroni, without cats-
up. And the president said that
was fine, because he likes to eat
different things all the time.
*Ed's note-Oh, a non-fireside
chat, eh!
"T'here's only one thing wrong
with me, blondie. I'm color blind."
"Yo all sho' ihmust be, mistah!"
-Caiveman
An elderly gentleman was walk-
ing down the aisle of a Pullman
sleeper when a young lady parted
the curtains and asked: "Sir, have
you the time?"
The elderly gentleman sniffed
and replied: "Mladam, I have
neither the time nor the inclina-
tion."-Y'll/ow Jacket.
There's a story been going around
about the absent-minded professor
and his absent-minded wife. It
seems that the professor had just
returned from a hard day's work
and after dinner he and his wife
settled down in the living room to
enjoy the radio. Suddenly there was
a knock on the door. "My hus-
band!" the absent-minded wife
gasped. "My God!" said the pro-
fessor and jumped out of the win-
dow.
-Banter
TIGER
HOTEL
Scene on the Campus
"SAY, Dick, there comes our candidate for the best
0 dressed man on the campus." (The candidate is
wearing a gray double-breasted chalk-striped suit with
shell cordovan blucher shoes. That's a white broad-
cloth shirt of maroon pin-checks with a striped silk tie.)
"You two don't exactly look like potato sacks either,"
the candidate retorts. (Dick, up against the pole, is
wearing a sport outfit consisting of a single breasted
checked tweed jacket and solid flannel trousers. Fred,
the gent with the pipe, plaid trousers and cashmere
sweater, is wearing a raglan couvert sport coat with trip-
let stitching at the bottom, and a corduroy hat.)
The sweater jacket to the extreme right is made of
wool in contrasting colors with an elastic shirred bot-
tom. Of the two shirts, the upper is a boxed flannel
with a short pointed collar, and a two-toned tie. The
lower one is a striped broadcloth shirt with Foulard tie.
THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN
TWENTY-ONE YEARS have passed
since the last war ended in 1918, and
a whole new generation has grown up.
With the passage of time and the
coming of age of another generation,
millions of us are misled into looking
at the war in Europe as a new and
horrible tragedy.
It is horrible all right-but it isn't
new!
The present European mess is just
the latest act in a tragedy that has
been going on for centuries-the con-
tinuance of a sordid drama of hate,
greed and oppression.
Some 22 years ago, we got into
that drama. We thought we could
save the world and the things in it
that we hold dear-liberty, democracy,
the pursuit of happiness.
Well . . we didn't. And we won't
this time.
But we can help save the world by
courageously holding to peace.
This will make us the one great neu-
tral nation - the sole major nation
deft wtih a heart not full of hate, a
voice not poisoned by prejudices.
This is terribly important, for a just
peace cannot be made by victor na-
tions -by nations that have come
through several years of fighting, kill-
ing and hating. An influence that is
both powerful and impartial is es-
sential if there is to be anything re-
sembling a lasting peace. We can be
that influence.
That is why - for our own good,
for the good of those nations we con-
sider our friends, for the good of the
world-we should remain neutral.
Do you agree? If you do, come
along with us and help us make that
spirit prevail throughout the nation.
For advice on what to do about it,
write today to World Peaceways, 103
Park Avenue, New York City.
CORN OFF THE COB
(Continued from Page 9)
hot lemonade is the best thing in the world for colds.
Now, drink it down."
"But, doctor, haven't I-"
"Drink it, Miss Ray." Then in his best bedside
manned: "You know, you must take your doctor's
advice or-well-" He cleared his throat.
"All right, give it here.
"That's it," said Bill. "That's fine."
"This stuff is hot!"
"That's the reason it's good for you."
"And it tastes funny-"
"Why, of course; you just aren't used to drinking
it."
Well, with the doctor's encouragement, she got it
all down, and Bill held her wrist again. The guy was
actually enjoying his job, I thought. I'd fire him, too-
tomorrow.
I was considering suicide as a way out, when the
door was practically knocked off its hinges and Cym-
bals-yes, I said Cymbals-dashed in.
He shoved Bill out of the way and thumped into
the chair beside Kay's.
"What's happened, darling?" he cried. "Jerry phoned
me that-"
"Jerry phoned you!" she replied sarcastically,
coughing a little. "Well, that was darn sweet of him."
"But what happened, anyhow?"
"Ask your friend Jerry."
"But-"
"Are you in on this?"
"In on what?"
"On this-this" She glared in my direction, and
I motioned weakly to Bill to come on out.
"I'll see you in the morning," Bill said cheerfully.
"Keep warm now, or you'll take something worse
than a cold. Good-night, Miss Kay." And to Cymbals,
coldly. "Good-night, sir."
We broke out of the stuffy room into the equally
stuffy hall. And there was Jerry, still grinning.
"Whew," he said. "Let's go down to the bar. We've
done all we can here. It's up to the fates now." And
he kissed his palm and blew it upward.
Well, I was in no mood for argument-or sleep-
so I trailed Jerry and Bill down the stairs. Jerry
ducked down behind the bar and poured us all drinks,
using bar glasses-but his own bottle.
"Or would you gentlemen prefer hot lemonade?" he
asked, and he and Bill started ruaring again.
"Okay, fellows. The joke's over. What's all this
about?"
"Poor old Ben. Your eyes are failing you at this
advanced age, too, eh?" said Jerry.
"Okay, so they're failing me. But, what in-"
"Play it in schmaltz for him, Jerry."
"You're fired too," I told Bill.
(Continued on Page 24)
WAKE UP
See It For Yourself
"THE GHOST WALKS"
Many a ghost you've probably missed,
because you were asleep! So, wake up and
grab this opportunity . . . for the "Ghost
Walks." He'll walk through the tunnels under
the Red Campus of the University, and the
halls of a fraternity house.
You may see this spectacle of mirth, mys-
tery, and music at Jesse Auditorium, Monday
and Tuesday . . . for the ghost that walks is
the ghost in the twenty-third annual Journal-
ism Show... a mystery-musical that promises
to be the best ever.
It's "The Ghost Walks."
The Ghost will
walk .... 50c
Monday and for all unreserved
Tuesday seats
Feb. 13 and 14 75c
At 8:30 each night f
At 3:15 Tuesday for all reserved
At 3:15 Tuesday seats
afternoon seats
FEATURING . . .
* TWO ACTS . . . three scenes of mystery,
music, and mirth.
* EIGHT SONG HITS-featured by such
bands as Bob Zurke, Tommy Dorsey,
Fred Waring.
* THE SPOOK chorus and dance number.
* A CAST of thirteen (unlucky for the ghost)
* FOUR CHORUSES - 16 beautiful girls
with 20 boys to set them off.
* THE BRIGGADETTES, the Stephens all-
girl dance band . . . with music and
specialty numbers.
* THE LEAP YEAR MATINEE
DON'T MISS IT
"THE GHOST WALKS!"
Miller's
Superior Shoes
Here I set and fuss and fret,
While my seat is getting wet.
It's enough to make me 'fume,
Teacher, can't I leave the room?
Why delay me when you know
That I simply have to go?
Honest, teacher, I'm not feighing,
My car top's down, and it is raining!
-Green Gander.
Flirt-A girl who got the man you tried to get.
-Purple Parrot.
Sign on sheriff's desk: OUT FOR
L Y N C H. BACK AT ONE
O'CLOCK. -Columns.
*
Customer-"I thought I saw
soup on the menu."
Waiter-"There was some, but I
wiped it off." -Log.
When you tighten your belt, it's a
recession.
When you have no belt to tight-
en, it's a depression.
When you have no pants to hold,
it's a panic. -Log.
*
An agitator was addressing a
band of strikers. "Only $12 a
week!" he cried, "how can a man
be a Christianon $12 a week?"
"How," yelled a voice, "can a
man be anything else?"
-Green Gander.
*
Every year college deans ask the
routine questions of the new stu-
dents:
"Why do you come to college?"
This fall a co-ed replied: "I came
to be went with, but I ain't yet."
-Sundial.
*
A gay fop from old Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
In the midst of caresses,
He fills ladies' dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and
jello. -Lyre.
*
She: MMMmmm, "T'hat popcorn
has a heavenly smell.
Sun man: Hasn't it? I'll drive
a little closer. -Mercury.
*
Many girls have been taken in
when they thought they were just
being taken out. -Siren.
DESIRE RUNS FROM THE ELMS
I think that I shall never see
A girl refuse a meal that's free.
A girl with hungry eyes not fixed
Upon the drink that's being mixed;
A girl who doesn't like to wear
A lot of junk to match her hair;
Girls are loved by guys like me
For who on earth will kiss a tree?
-Green Gander.
*
War does not determine who is right-only who
is left. -Purple Parrot.
WONDERS OF TRAVEL
Two Irishmen came to a railroad
crossing. The gates were down.
Stopping their car, they settled
down until the train should pass,
but both were soon asleep.
With thundering wheels the ex-
press rolled by, causing them to
open their eyes.
"I say," said one, "wasn't that a
well lighted village we passed
through?"
"Yes," yawned the other, "An'
did you notice that the first house
was on fire?"
-Medley
Greek: Listen, mister, how does
it happen that I find you here kiss-
ing my girl?
Pledge: Simple, sir, I just got
here first.
-Banter
An enemy, I know, to all
Is wicked, wicked alcohol,
The Good Book tho, commanded
me
To learn to love mine enemy.
-Banter
BOTHWELL
CANDIES
The Missouri
SHOWME
J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather
PHIL DESSAUER, Editor
JOHN J. JACHYM, Business Manager
ADVISORY BOARD
Nate Silverman George Miller
ASSOCIATE EDITOR
Houston Cox
ADVERTISING
Bill Roberts, Advertising Manager
Harry Lechtman John McCrae
Sylvia Schultz
CONTRIBUTORS
Florence Schwartz Leona Howe
Rosalie Sandoz Frances Tucker
Doyle Jay Hym Turner
John Conde Tommy Wolff
Barrie Young Murray Glanzer
ART STAFF
Walt Johnson Art McQuiddy
13111i reehoff
PHOTOGRAPHERS
Steve Ritz Robert Holloway
Dixie Montgomery, Stephens College
George Sisler Hugh Crumpler
Ben Goldberg Ben Kocivar
CIRCULATION
Garland Pagett, Circulation Manager
Winifred Wise Eileen Reilly
PROMOTION
Joseph Stone
*EXCHANGES
Nelson Church
SECRETARIAT
Peggy Phelps Marie Pfuhl
Marjorie Bryan Helen Matson
ASSISTANTS
Roy Moskop Jeanne Fontaine
Betty Anne Quiett George Arthur
Betty Lou English Frank Kulp
Norman Rolfe Jim Moseley
Johnel Fisher Bob Van Doren
Marian Linn Sheldon Sandler
Alfred Schultz Dave Wolk
Bob Balfour
Barth's
OFF CAMPUS LESSON
A gentleman in the optical busi-
ness was instructing his son in the
business of chiseling a fair and hon-
est price out of customers. He said:
"Son, after you have fitted the
glasses to a customer, and the cus-
tomer asks, 'What is the charge,'
you should say:
"The charge is ten dollars."
"Then pause and watch for the
flinch."
"If the customer does not flinch,"
you say: 'That's for the frames; the
lenses will be another ten dollars'."
"Then you pause again-but this
time just slightly-and again you
watch for the flinch-"
"If the customer doesn't flinch,
you say 'Each'."
-Pointer
REWRITE
Breathes there a man with soul so
dead,
Who has never turned around and
said,
Hm-m-m-m-n-not bad!
-Log
page twenty-three
CORN OFF THE COB
(Continued from Page 21)
"Of course," said Bill. "Cymbals is back with you
tomorrow-or rather tonight. Right, Jerry?"
"Right. Now look, Ben. How large is this bottle?"
"Quart."
"Right. Now, how much is in it now?"
"Not very much."
"Right. Now, how much have we killed?"
"Not very much."
"Right. Take it, Bill."
"Okay, Jerry. Now, Ben, what did I give Kay?"
"Cough syrup and hot lemon-" I stopped. "Hey,
wait a minute!"
"He's figured it out, Bill. He's not dumb. He's
just sleepy. Needs an eye-opener."
"Right," said Bill, and poured me a drink, which
I gulped.
"You guys shouldn't have done that," I worried.
"And calling Cymbals and all-"
"That's the idea, Ben. Boy likes drink. Girl doesn't
like boy to drink. Boy loves girl and vice versa, soooo
-boy sees girl tipsy. Girl hasn't a leg to stand on-
and they live happily ever after. Get it?"
"Yes, I get it."
"Fine," said Jerry. "Let's go up and see how it's
working."
"Okay." So we climbed the steps again-just Jerry
and I.
We knocked on the door and there wasn't a sound
on the other side. Then a soft, "Walk in, boys." We
Bill Ferguson goes through a peppy Jayshow
number looking like Sitting Bullfrog.
page twenty-four
did and there was Kay sitting very still and silent
on the bed and Cymbals in a chair at the other side
of the room, looking glum.
"Hello," Jerry began weakly. "I just wanted to tell
Kay I was sorry about-"
"Yes?" said Kay, coldly.
Cymbals eyed a few daggers at us. And I glared
at Jerry and gripped my heavy baton a little tighter.
After all this the plan had flopped, eh? The silence
weighed us all down.
Jerry edged to the door and muttered something
about being sorry about everything, when Kay started
to laugh. So did Cymbals. Jerry and I looked at each
other and grinned sort of sickly-like.
Cymbals ran over and started jumping unsteadily
from the bed to the chair and back again. Kay lay
back panting, her face twisted.
"You thought you were fooling me!" she bubbled.
"Well-"
"Well, you didn't." She gasped for breath. "I could
smell that whiskey a mile away, and it tasted worse
than it smelled. But what smelled worse was the doctor
you brought in-"
"Oh, oh, here it comes," muttered Jerry.
"I used to sing with a five-piece outfit that Bill
krupaed for. And he knew me and told me all about
this. So who's the sucker now?"
Jerry didn't say a word, just looked sheepish. And
I felt like crawling under the bed.
Cymbals bounced over to me and said: "You see,
maestro, she'd already decided to let me hit it a little
-for art's sake, you know, and love-but when you
fired me, and she heard of the rest of the plan, well,
she got sort of peeved. See what I mean?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Yes," Jerry said.
"I wanna drink," Cymbals said.
Well, that's the band life for you. Cymbals is still
pounding the skins and Jerry is still riding the tenor.
But Kay isn't singing any more. You see, she figured
she couldn't do right by the dance bands of the future
if she didn't personally train Cymbals, Jr., on the
difference between corn and real music.
Little fly upon the wall
Ain't you got no clothes atall
Ain't you got no pettiskirt
Ain't you got no shimmyshirt
Ain't you cold?
-Log.
Backward turn backward
0 Time in thy flight
And tell me one thing
I studied last night.
-Log.
"It's the little things in life that tell," said Dora
as she dragged her kid brother out from underneath
the sofa. -Green Gander.
Central
Dairy
Lucky Strike
Cigarettes