Missouri Showme April, 1940 Missouri Showme April, 1940 2008 1940/04 image/jpeg University of Missouri-Columbia Libraries Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194004

Missouri Showme April, 1940; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1940

All blank pages have been eliminated.
Missouri Showme Sororities Life with the Girls Best Drest! Contest Winners Baseball By Bob Broeg Gags-Gossip April Fifteen Cents Golf Blanket... Signs Of The Season Kissproof! Daylight Savings Time! Back to Nature Lucky Strike Cigarettes Night Watch A SHOWME SHORT STORY By BILL T. CRAWFORD One cold and damp November morning back in the year 1917, a heavy white mist hung in the shal- lows of a deserted battlefield. There was no wind, no sound; on this corner of war-torn France every- thing seemed to have stopped. A number of bodies, limp, flat, still, could hardly be distinguished from the mud in which they lay. Away in the distance, hardly visible against a dull, dreary sky, were the dark ruins of a chapel, and from this stretched a disorderly confus- sion of barbed-wire. Two days before, an army, under heavy shell-fire, had made an im- portant advance here, but the fight- ing had moved away to the north. All that remained was a desolation of torn, greasy earth and the dead. But in a shallow hole, lying in an unnatural position, was an Amer- ican soldier who was not one of the dead. He looked as though he were asleep. His left arm was stretched out before him so that it protruded over the rim of the hole, and in plain view against the white of his skin was a wristwatch. And the field was not entirely deserted. Emerging from a pocket of mist was a small black figure whose movements were furtive, his manner guilty, for he was the vul- ture of the battlefield, the robber of the dead. The thief came nearer to where the American lay. In one hand he carried a leather bag and in the other a knife. At last in sight of the watch distinctly outlined against the wounded man's wrist, he hur- ried forward eagerly. But within a few feet of his victim he suddenly stopped, for he realized he was now dealing with a living man. He re- mained standing there motionless; his small black eyes regarded the figure before him unblinkingly. Then, realizing the wounded man was powerless to defend himself, he moved forward cautiously. He prodded the unconscious American with his foot; then quickly jumped back. For a moment he waited, and then, finally satisfied, knelt down beside him. Expert fingers moved beneath the wrist to undo the watch-band. But at that instant the thief's career reached an abrupt end, for from somewhere came the crack of a rifle, and he fell forward on the ground. His bag was flung from his hands, its contents scattered in the mud. On top of a small mound of dirt, not twenty yards away, stood the tall, stern figure of a German soldier. His black steel helmet gleamed in the grey light and fine rain. A heavy rifle hung at his side. Whether it was the sound of the shot or the impact of the thief fall- ing against him, the American never knew, but at that moment he re- covered consciousness. He made a movement as though to rise, but fell weakly back again. Once more the figure against the sky raised the gun to his shoulder. Although only half-conscious,, Private Mathers saw the move- ment and realized what it meant. He threw himself backwards into the hole-and none too soon, for before he heard the report of the second shot he felt something strike his helmet with the force of a mule's kick and ricochet off its surface. Mathers hugged the earth and did not move. Five minutes later he crawled cautiously to the top of the hole and peered over the rim. The German had gone. Mathers rose laborious- ly to his feet. For a moment he just stood there. With head bowed, he shut his eyes and tried to remember the events (Continued on Page 17) page one A Thing Or Two It's that time of year, folks-time for Politics. Roll out the barrel, boys. Yep, that accounts for that strange odor we've sniffed the last few days. (NUTS to you guys who said it was a Showme joke!) The Big Caucuses and Little Caucuses and Medium-Sized Caucuses and all the rest art start- ing to beat the drums, unpack the flags, memorize last year's speeches and whatever else Big Cau- cuses and Little Caucuses and Medium-Sized Cau- cuses do just ahead of Election Time. Personally, we don't care much. Probably we're just about like the Average Guy, whoever he is. It doesn't matter a hoot in Hades to us who wins. But it'll be interesting to watch, and it's always good for a laugh to see the boys to pour the Old Oil all over the Indee-pendunt Vote and then give it a rub-down. (The shake-down comes later.) No we don't care much who's elected. But we hope it's another Stanberry. It's a lot easier to criticize a man in office than to find something good to say about him. Usually the "good things" he does don't affect us directly, and so we don't pay much attention to them. If we have anything good to say about a man, we wait 'til he's gone before we say it. But the Showme wants to go on record-right now-for a round of applause and a Vote of Con- fidence for the Stanberry Administration. We think it's been honest; we think it's been fair; we think it's been progressive. SGA apparently doesn't have very much to do with actual "government" at Mizzou. But honest- ty and efficiency-even in such un-governmental activities as sponsoring campus dances and mass meetings-are certainly a relief after some of the administrations of recent years. The most effective pat-on-the-back we can make is this: We have never heard anybody speak a sus- picious word or say anything uncomplimentary about the present administration. So how about it, you boys in the Back Room? How about another Stanberry for President? page two Campus Valet Cleaners GREBLERS'S BLACK AND GOLD INN Showme Announces- THE WINNERS! Of the first annual "Best-Dressed" Sweepstakes Winner of the first S h o w m e Sweep- stakes and proud bearer of her new title, Best-Dressed Girl on the Missouri Campus, is Nancy Ebert, Delta Gamma from St. Louis. STEPHENS MIZZOU And in these cornahs- Sara Stout, left, represent- ing Stephens, and Loretta Manahan of Christian. Sara's from Clarksville, Tenn., and was the Lela Rainey Wood Hall candi- date. Loretta lives at Ada, Okla., when not in Missouri Hall on the Christian campus. If the girls look as though they were going some place, it's probably the Spring Vacation complex. Sad to say, nobody seemed to care much who was Best- Dressed Boy, so that election was declared No Contest, and the entrants' purses held up to be given the Finnish Relief Fund for Showme Editors. CHRISTIAN Our Weekly Birching A Member of the Faculty By PROF. C. F. MULLETT Takes the Boys to Task... Again we are treated to our weekly birching as the "Student" flays us all with a pussy willow twig. Yet though the voice is the voice of righteousness, the hands are those of a bloomer girl, cal- loused with crotcheting the little garments that will never have a tenant. One week, this beacon light of a blind university holds high the torch of a Union. The next issue, mayhap, tilts mightily against the windmill of football professional- ism, neglectful amid the thrusting that one page of its every four buttresses the menace that inspires our editorial Don Quixote to his gallant charge. We pick up the issue sweating over sororities to discover that "you'd like mother, really you would," although why you'd like a Pi Phi from Hillsdale who sends one daughter to Indiana and an- other to the local finishing academy eludes most of us, unless it be- don't crowd, you charter members of IMA-that the Stephens hope- ful doesn't object to necking, "but, my land (how coy!), not in pub- lic." So on we might go. For a week, the titans heave in the anguish of their labor and at length are deliv- ered of a midget: a university of 5000 students, boasting the "oldest and greatest" journalism school, gets out a newspaper. Periodically, of course, the prod- uct of such intellectual and techni- cal resources, drawn - perhaps hanging and quartering ought to be added-from the four corners of the country, reaches a new high, attaining an eminence second to nothing, literally nothing. On March 13 we were treated tg a fine sample of arrested adoles'-_ page four cence. The editorial reported a "resentful and saddened student body" lamenting a life "unjustly lost," and then reached its cres- cendo in "We must dispel and live down the implications that M. U. is 'still the Country Club of the Midwest' which are making their vicious rounds. The stupidity of less than thirty-five persons must not be permitted to represent the attitude of more than 5500 stu- dents." How lovely, almost ducky, not to say bully!! To make it more so, glance over the remainder of this voice of 5500 righteous "students." Two items will do. On the cover is the tasty, even lush picture of a gal who ap- parently sings with her legs. (As a matter of fact the "Student" is liable to a breach of promise suit for this picture.) Inside, count and re-read the columns which lie beside the stern admonition to substitute the lilies and languors of virtue for the roses and rapture of vice. Mr. Winchell certainly has a lot of little brats, born without benefit of Bernie, to account for. Of course, no university before (Continued on 'Page 22) "You're going to have ten children-I'd get married if I were you." Wallace Sterling Life Savers FREE! A BOX OF LIFE SAVERS FOR THE BEST WISECRACK! What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this week? Send it to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself into a free prize box of Life Savers! For the best line submitted each month by one of the stu- dents, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane- wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes will be judged by the editors of this publication. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be published the following month along with the lucky win- ner's name. HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW The quack stood on the soap-box, there, His hair was long and white. He looked far out into the crowd And yelled with all his might. "This stuff I sell restores the hair Its powers sure are great, One drop of this will grow such hair As lies upon my pate." The quack, he lifted up his hand And stroked his long white locks A gust of wind came rushing by And carried them three blocks. OFFICIAL CAMPUS TRAFFIC REGULATIONS 1. Parking Space A. Always park at the foot of stairways. If possible, park directly in the center of the stairs entirely obstruct- ing the passage way on either side. 2. Speed Regulations: There are two different speed rates which may be used legally. A. Walk leisurely up stairs and in the corridors about eight abreast so that no one can pass you. If someone manages to get through, make sarcastic remarks in a loud voice about rude people who disregard the rights of others. B. The other legal tempo at which one may travel is for the impatient type. Grasp your books so as to form a very effective battering ram, make a runningi start and arrive at your destintion in ten seconds. Bump into as many people as you can, and step on countless pairs of suffering feet. Of course, it is understood that you must never stop while you apoligize; merely shriek a vicious "Pardon me!" into the nearest ear, the shock of which will make the victim faint. 3. Congestion and How To Further It. A. Probably the most charming thing in school, so far as a student is concerned, is being immersed in a very thick jam. In order to aggravate this condition, you must always remember to form dense, impassible masses at all important entrances and exits. If you see anyone in a particular hurry, get directly in his path. This will make him stop and lose time. If you follow these regulations carefully, you will take my place as the most popular fellow in school until I return from my semi-private room in the hospital. "He forgot to put the stamp on!" "SORORITY LIFE IS HELL" An Anonymous Campus Author Takes a Look At Greek-Letter Living-and the Pot Boils! Editors' Note-This article is presented merely as one person's point of view-not the Showme's-on a current controversy. The Showme in- vites comm'lient on the article, criticism of it, and answers or rebuttals for the views ex- pressed. A full presentation of these conmments and rebut- tals will be made in next month's issue. Half an hour after the front door was locked an intoxicated pledge tripped up the fire escape singing the dirty version of a popu- lar fraternity song and swinging her girdle with the hand that was not clutching the rail. A phono- graph ground out "Now She's Sell- ing What She Used to Give Away" as a couple of actives helped her climb through the window. This rumored tale and similar stories concerning all night parties on the outskirts of the city, "purple passion" picnics on the Hinkson, and the men who spend the night on the third floor of local sorority houses do not spread around cam- pus, but only because no member ever mentions any occurrence in- jurious to her sorority's reputa- tion. Outsiders may not realize that after two more offenses the dean threatens to cancel the group's social privileges and the national organization to withdraw its charter. The campus hears rumors about inebriated girls who are carried in the back door and who spend the night away from the house "with friends." However, it may not suspect that some of the Greek girls who appear the most sophisti- cated have ulcers and kidney trou- ble from alcoholic poisoning. Investigating the Eta sorority, a mythical group closely resembling those at Old Mizzou, one finds half a dozen girls in the background who don't rate dates -some of the girls pledged up to maintain the scholastic average. If a girl wants to study on a weekend night, she must take care her light does not show. If the windows of the Eta house are lit up, the other houses will say the broken-down Etas don't get around any more. The rest of the members have little in common - besides men. They are slippery flirts-and jeal- ous; so jealous that some houses forbid any member to speak to another's date. Individuality and identity are soon lost after one pledges an organized house-unless one is all will power and ethics, has ninety- nine per cent dominance and lacks the sex urge. Unconsciously most of the girls tend to dress and talk alike. Lack of identity is also shown in the dating problem. Usually Millie doesn't continue dating Jim because she feels any affection for him, but because he wears a Dama Dama pin and she should go with him in order to raise the social standing of the Etas. She necks with him because he'd go to another sorority if she refused-and that would be a sign the Etas are slipping. Then Millie learns to drink and smoke; necking for its own sake grows monotonous. Anyway, she rationalizes, there isn't much left to do on a date in Columbia-the nationally known "country club" of the middle west-the city of night spots without chromium and leather. Now, Jim doubtlessly dates Mil- lie because he's in the groove, she looks and acts like all the other girls do, and it's cheaper to go out with her than to pay the Dama house a five-dollar fine. Yes, a five-dollar fine for every member who doesn't have one sorority date a week--for the frats have to main- tain their social standings too. The Etas don't intend to be snobs-they are only trying to win the top rung in the campus social ladder. In order to achieve that goal, they forbid themselves dates with independents - except those holding influential positions. Some of the larger houses go even fur- ther; they select a few fraternities and blacklist the rest. Of course, the girls disagree as to which fraternities shall be favored and the larger the sorority, the more divergence of opinion. And then the frats they select may decide to blacklist them. Each girl is supposed to abide by the deci- sion of the majority-and she who becomes engaged or pinned to a member of a boycotted fraternity alienates herself within the group. In some cases many of her sisters have failed to recognize her after- wards. When not arguing over dating policies, the actives spend chapter meetings speculating on how to get the door key away from the house mother and to avoid alums who insist on enforcing the rules, dream- ing up new duties for the pledges and new punishments for those who date tabooed frats, and fight- ing over queen nominations. The frustrated active who gets squelched in chapter meeting tells the pledges how to fix their hair, act on dates, cram for finals, show actives more respect, and paint their faces. Then she criticizes their tastes in style-and borrows the dresses she said didn't fit their personalities. This is a bitter pill (Continued on Next Page) page seven BARTH CLOTHING CO. SORORITY LIFE IS HELL (Continued from Page 7) The Uptown to swallow when the pledge is an upper classman who has graduated from a finishing school and the active is a first semester sopho- more. Sorority girls grow calloused to the critical remarks, cold stares and off-color stories of their sisters. The sensitive girl has difficulty ad- justing herself to cat-sessions be- hind locked doors. Those most severely criticized are the ones who don't smoke and drink and who decline to accept blind dates-even from the "Big Five" fraternities. Many sorority women readily admit their superiority over the independent woman but appear to be democratic by cultivating the friendship of several independents when it is unavoidable. They will compete with the independent in sports and work with her on activi- ties-but frequently fail to recog- nize her a few minutes later. If accused of being snobbish, they have an alibi-near-sightedness. A certain pledge who was not initiated because she failed to make her "M" average had to live out of the house last semester. Since her pledge had been suspended, she could not play around with her former sisters and since she felt page eight superior to the independents with whom she lived, she could not con- descend to walk to classes with them. At last she dropped out of the University and returned home. The Eta Epsum Salts not only feel superior to the independents, but they also feel superior to the Delta Psis and the Nu Kappas. And the Delta Psis, in turn, feel superior to the Etas and the Nu Kappas. And the Nu Kappas say they're tops. The circle of reason- ing is just a bit illogical. After a girl gets caught in the nets of one of these artificial sister- hoods and swallows its propaganda, she has a hard time breaking loose and becoming an individualist again. She has to have a lot of nerve to hand back her pledge pin and tell fifty girls she doesn't want to become a part of The System. And the sorority can break the girl who breaks her pledge by starting underhanded stories concerning her moral standards and her ability to make personal adjustments. All in all, there may be some- thing to the idea of Brotherhood of Men, but as for the Sisterhood of Women-it's all a lot of Rush Week baloney! Trouble Around The CORNERS Tiger Infielders Hold Secret By BOB BROEG Of 1940 Baseball Success If the Big Six decides to hold a Conference Cry for baseball men this year, the pleated plaque for first place will probably go to the team whose flood-mark of tears shows highest around the infield. For the infield, first line of de- fense and vital as a watch spring, promises to be 1940's biggest head- ache for most Big Six coaches. Con- ference baseball prosperity, you might say, is just around the cor- ners. Missouri has infield trouble. So have Oklahoma and Kansas, and since the Tigers and Sooners, the conference's one-two teams for three years, are expected again to fight for the Big Six flag, their innerworks' problems are particu- larly noteworthy. In time's unstoppable flight, a year rates no more attention than the bat of an eyelash. Yet Mis- souri's baseball complexion has changed from 1939 as abruptly as that of the kid who got caught red-handed ransacking the family cookie jar. Miguel Angel Gonzalez, the col- orful Cuban caballero who coaches for the St. Louis Cardinals, may be no Confucius as a philospher, but baseball men swear by the jewelled words of wisdom of the burnt- skinned white-teethed don from the Pearl of the Antilles. And la- conically Senor Gonzalez describes teams such as the 1939 Missouri team that lost its bid for a third consecutive Big Six title in the final game against Oklahoma as, "Good field, no hit!" Fielding gems were common- place with a sure-fire shortstop such as Harlan Keirsey flanked by Second Baseman Harold Keller and Third Baseman Bill Marsden. But the defense and an accom- plished pitching staff nearly suf- fered the broken backs of overwork from carrying the load for a team whose base hits were too few and too far apart. By the expedient of keeping enemy spikes from denting home plate, the Tigers won eleven con- secutive ball games before Okla- homa battered them in two games for the conference crown. Mean- while, the attack, which existed in name only, was inconsiderately A. W. O. L., and Missouri victories read something like this: 2-1, 4-0, 2-0, 1-0, 3-2, 3-2, and 4-2. But now, Coach John Carl "Hi" Simmons would recite Lincoln's Gettysburg address once a day and twice on Sunday if he thought he could recapture some of the defen- sive stoutness in the infield, for while the 1940 punch appears out of its 1939 puerile creampuff classi- fication, the infield defense appears uncertain. Particularly around the import- ant keystone sack does the defen- sive deficiency stand out bluntly, and true but untried men will have to show their colors under the stress and strain of early-season games. Once the campaign is launched, experimentation at best is as ticklish as Aunt Sophie's featherduster. At present, in prac- tice contests, the infield defense at shortstop and second base is noth- ing about which to write an ode or a sonnet. Paul Christman will play first base, and while the big fellow is no candidate for the Ballet Russe in his gyrations around the initial sack, he is agile for a large man. And he can massage the old Ameri- can horsehide. He hit .275 on a team last year that knew only one .300 hitting regular in "Judge" Keller, a poke-and-punch batsman known as a "leg hitter" in the (Continued on Page 21) "Yeah, he gave us trouble last spring, too. Plays center in football." page nine Showme Show Saddest tale we know is that of the fellow who had a date with one of the St. Pat's queen candidates. Feeling his responsibility keenly, he splurged in a big way and sent her a corsage that looked like a florist's window display. Only his head felt emptier than his pocket when, arriving at her sorority house, he found her with a corsage of ordinary-looking gar- denias! It seems the engineers had decided all the candidates should wear the same kind of corsage. So she probably put our hero's flowers on ice and wore 'em the next night -for somebody else.... How fickle are fate and women ... Saddest story number two be- longs to Stan Patton, Jay Schooler who came back to the University for his last semester this year. Now that he's no longer in the market for a job, he has received an offer from an advertising firm. We thought only the rich and the lazy could afford not to work, but now schoolboys must be included. DOORMAN DEAN A fellow we know swears this one happened to a freshman he knows: It was a swanky dance at Ste- phens, and the tall dean-chaperon well known for his white tie and tails was on hand to greet the little girls and boys. The freshie came in with his date, saw the highly dec- orative dean in full regalia, handed him his hat and threw his coat over his arm. Then he turned to his date. "Darned nice looking doormen you have over here," he beamed. Even the medics have deserted the ranks and elected a queen. Al- pagre ten pha Phi Mary Frances Badgerow was the girl, and we still think the way she was elected was smartest that we have heard of. Speaking of the medics, Phi Bete's pride and joy, Ray McCanse, was talking to his girl the other day and she said, "Honey, the weather is getting so warm and lovely, we'll have to put handcuffs on you and start going on picnics." Wonder what she meant by that? A boy who had been dating a Gamma Phi came up to her and said, "I hear when they tested you on the Passion meter down in the Engineer's exhibit last night the darn thing registered dead." Theta Nancy Chapman and Kap- pa Sig Bob Pappenfort are getting married in June. Warning; Girls don't let your hearts beat too wildly for S.A.E. Bob Schroeder-he's in love with the inevitable girl back home. A Phi Bete is helping Pi Phi India Webb get over her "I don't know anyone but Betas" complex she has had ever since she has been in school here. A doctor cures ev- erything. We predict Gamma Phi Dorothy Mauer will have the Delt pin of "Georgia" Clark by April 15. Sigma Nu Eliot Stone has eyes only for Theta Sue Wright these days. Bob Balfour got up at 6 o'clock before Easter vacations started to see that Gertrude Tucker, Stephens Susie, got safely started to Mexico. It must be love! A little girl was talking to A.T.O. Hammond Holt about how hard it was to make a good grade under one professor. "Why," she said, "he only gave one E in all his classes last semester." "Oh," Hammond said, "Doesn't grade on a curve, eh?" "No," said the little girlie, "and it didn't do any good for me to try to apple polish either, for he doesn't grade on a curve." Joke! It's been quite a while since the Independent Men's Association dance, but one of its best stories hasn't been told. Don Delaney, IMA secretary, was standing near Lawson Obermiller, who was watching one of the gym doorways. "Want to take over, Don?" Law- son asked. Don looked over, saw a girl standing on the other side of the door and thought he was being asked in a gentle way to dance with Lawson's date. So, obligingly, he moved over and went into his dance-with an unknown partner. But the surprised and thorough- ly frigid young lady informed him she belonged neither to Obermiller nor to Delaney. She was somebody else's girl. Needless to say, retreat was in order-red-faced retreat! READ HALL MYSTERY Speaking of the IMA, the boys still would like to know what be- came of their new stationery, which was sent over to Read Hall and deposited in places unknown. If it's any comfort, one of the Coffee Hour cookie trays was also lost in the new Union building. Read H. looks like a good business location for a detective agency. And this one from the Law School is on "Hippo" Potter, who (Continued on Page 15) Scene on the Campus AT the window in the snapshot, at the upper left, the Senior is prepared for the change- able spring weather in his raglan camel's hair top coat. The young man showing off his dance tickets is wearing a three-buttoned grey flannel suit, a white broadcloth shirt, and a solid maroon silk tie. The capped individual in the left center photo is prepared for any weather. Underneath his knee- length trench coat, he is wearing a single-breasted brown herring-bone jacket with solid tan flannel trousers. The undergraduate standing on the steps is wearing a sandy rust tweed suit with a short- sleeved tan wool sweater. For general use, the two freshmen to our right find their brown and black corduroy half length coats ideal for spring wear. It supplies the warmth of a top coat and the freedom of a jacket. "Watch this broad jump!" Chesterfield Cigarettes Clothes Make The Man MISS SENIOR at right is ready for her date in a dainty Frou Frou dress of classic black with lingerie trimming on neck and sleeves. A small brimmed, smooth straw hat complete the costume. Her classmate, who has no date tonight, is wearing a light weight wool pastel shirtwaist dress, with smart leather buttons and belt, for fashion decrees that it's shirts 'n' skirts again this spring. For your cosmetic shelf, here are a few suggestions that you may like. Arrid, the new cream deodorant, has been gaining tre- mendously in popularity. It effec- tively stops perspiration, and is easy and pleasant to use. The new pouch kit, pictured here, containing lipstick and nail polish, is a fine little bag for car- rying your hanky and "mad money" on dates. The toilet soap at the left, delicately scented with spices, is packed in a unique decorative box that can later be used for keeping jewelry, souvenirs, love notes, etc., and will add a color- ful note to your room. COLUMBIA Ice & Storage Co. SHOWME SHOW (Continued from Page 10) wins the crocheted crucible for Wackiest Words of the month: The class was discussing admis- sibility as court evidence of such things as deathbed confessions, when up pops Potter in his most serious tone: "No, I do not feel that the dying declaration of a child not old enough to vote should be admissible evidence." Evidently Hippo doesn't associ- ate with the more intellectual type of children not old enough to vote. No one seems to know what the younger generation is coming to, but the older one is already well on the way to ruin. Exhibit "A": the professor who dismissed his class at the half-way mark because his remarks were becoming-quote -"too dirty." Gangster: "Reach for the sky." Man: "All right, but I know I won't make it."-Pointer. Remember, girls, it isn't the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.-Exchange. Junkman: "Any rags, papers, old iron?" Man of the House (angrily): "No, my wife's away." Junkman: "Any bottles?" -Pointer Jimmy: "We've got a new baby down at our house." Neighbor: "How nice-did the stork bring him? Jimmy: "Oh, no. It developed from a unicellular amoeba. "I'd like to buy a pair of gart- ers." "Single or double grip?" "Doesn't matter. I want to make a slingshot."-Harvard Lampoon. Teacher: "Spell straight." Student: "S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t." Teacher: "That's right. What does it mean?" Student: "Without soda." -Pointer A big box of brand-new Life Savers this month goes to Clyde Carriker, Jay School senior, for this gag: Two roommates were dis- cussing the effect of the drought of the 1930's on farm crops. "How about wheat? Was it any shorter than usual?" "Short? Why, boy, we had to lather ours to harvest it." Teacher: Now, children, every morning you ought to take a cold bath; and that will make you feel rosy all over. Are there any ques- tions? Boy in Back of the Room: Yeah, teacher, tell us some about this Rosie.-Yellow Jacket. Law Prof (at registration): So you're a pre-legal, eh? Student: Like hell. I'm the youngest in our family.-Exchange MISSOURI THEATRE CENTRAL DAIRY Miller's Superior Shoes NIGHT WATCH (Continued from Page 1) of the previous few days; but his brain was numb and his memory confused with a thousand impres- sions-with one more vivid than all the rest. It was the memory of a shrill screaming high in the air and the growing realization that, instead of the shell passing over his head, the sound continued to grow more intense. Simultaneously he had heard the blast from a whis- tle-the signal to drop. Mathers had thrown himself down with the rest of them. After that he could remember nothing. Standing there in the rain, he realized he was lost. His regiment had gone-everyone had gone. Even the sounds of war were very faint and far away. He was alone with the dead, and not far from one of the Enemy, who was probably in much the same plight as he. As the rain increased, the mist disappeared. The only shelter in view was the small chapel a few hundred yards away. He made to- ward it. The lightning flashed and the thunder was now almost a contin- ual rumble. Rain was coming down in torrents, and the wind lashed it fiercely against him. He hurried to- ward the entrance to the chapel. As he formed a momentary sil- houette in the entrance against the lurid light of the sky, a blinding light flashed up before him and something whistled past his ear; then, instead of falling flat, he stum- bled inside and rolled away from where he might be seen against the opening. An instant later a gust of wind slammed the heavy door shut, plunging the place into complete darkness. Mathers lay there for a moment and silently cursed himself for an idiot. He realized that buried some- where in the depths of the darkness all around him was a man who be- lieved himself divinely ordained to destroy any enemy of the Father- land. A premonition of disaster brought (Continued on Next Page) page seventeen DANIELS LUMBER COMPANY Crowd: "Hey! Sit down in front! Assistant Manager: "Quit yer kidding, I don't bend that way." -Lampoon Fredendall's NIGHT WATCH (Continued from Page 17) the sweat to his brow and made his heart beat faster. At every second his fear and excitement mounted. He fancied he heard soft laughter and mocking guttural whispers- now far back in the dark recesses of the place, now near at hand. His imagination, stimulated by the ab- normal conditions, went rampant. The moment he lost control of it he felt his courage slip from him. He sank to the cold stone floor and lay there very still. He had fallen in such a position that his left wrist was directly be- neath his face, and there, emitting a ghostly radiance, was the face of his watch. For a moment he stared at it, dumbly fascinated. Then, as he later confessed, he had the only worth-while idea of his life, the one that came to him as he lay there stupidly spellbound by the fluores- cence of the luminous dial of his watch. He felt in his pocket for a piece of string . . . Not thirty feet away, crawling about in the dark, was the German. With his left hand clutching his rifle, and his right flailing about for the second occupant of the room, he slowly made his way. Occasion- ally he paused to listen, but the only sound to break the quiet was his own labored and muffled breathing. Suddenly he stopped and stared intently ahead. Gently shining in the dark, like a single bright star in the dark blue sky, was a small circle of soft, bluish light. At first it bewildered him, but his heart drummed with excitement when he finally recognized it-a watch. Since the light remained stationary, the German reasoned that his quarry must be standing motionless-bliss- fully unaware of the tell-tale gleam of his watch. The German moved carefully forward. Finally, satisfied with his position, he aimed into the dark- ness and fired. The stillness was shattered again by a second shot like the echo of the first. There was a shrill, high- pitched ringing in his ears and a harsh, choked cry as Mathers leaped to the cold stone wall, felt his way frantically to the door, pulled it open, and rushed outside. Once he stumbled and half fell into a pool of icy water; the shock of it was almost electrical. He quickly scrambled to his feet and ran on. The fitful gusts of wind now rose in intensity, and from behind a bank of clouds a large brilliant moon appeared, illuminating the weird scene with a baleful light. The battlefield stretched away on all sides in a fantastic pattern of ghostly light and deep shadow. A black figure could be seen moving rapidly across the strange white landscape, running erratic- ally, stumbling, rising again and running on until at last the shad- ows had swallowed it up. Behind in the chapel foundation the body of a man was stretched out on the stone floor; and a shat- tered watch, hanging a few yards away, swung slowly back and forth. "Did you order helium gas?" A FAMILIAR RING Click! Click! Click! "Hello, operator. Well, it's about time. Where were you, on a vacation? If you have to wait this long to call a number you ought to put the phones in a waiting room and not in a booth. "What number do I want? Oh, now you're impatient. No, I don't want the complaint department. Don't get so sarcastic. I've got other things to do besides listening to complaints. "So you're asking me for the last time what number I want. Why, is the telephone company going out of busi- ness? All right! All right! Gimme 1158. "What exchange do I want? I'll have you know this is no exchange, but a strictly cash deal. "What do you mean did I drop the nickel in the slot. Do you pay your check before you eat your meal? All right, I'll take a chance, but mama says I mustn't. "Hello, is Joan in? No?" Click! Click! Click! "Hello operator, I didn't get my party. Please return my nickel. Look now, I don't want any foolishness. What difference does it make whom I spoke to. I didn't speak to Joan. "What do you mean you can't help it! Give me the chief. Hello Chief. I just called Joan, and she wasn't home, but the operator won't return my nickel. "She's not supposed to if I get the number? Is that so? Well I'm going to demand an investigation. I'm a tax- payer." Bang! "Say, Joe, have you got another one of these slugs? I've got to make an- other call." Sir Walter Raleigh Tobacco Victims of a Slogan *AMERICA'S HEART is too big, too easily touched. With a national sym- pathy for the underdog and the op- pressed, we are, in the family of great nations, like an idealistic youth among decadent old cynics. In other and blunter words, America has been something of a sucker nation - an easy victim for Europe's anything- goes diplomacy, unscrupulous states- manship, and high-pressure propa- ganda! We should have matured after the last war when we saw mockery made of all the fine and high-minded ideals we fought for. You remember them - "To make the World Safe for Democ- racy" .. . "The Liberation of Op- pressed Minorities" . . . "The War to End Wars" ... and those other lovely, ringing phrases. They all sound rather silly now, don't they? Yet thousands of Amer- ican young men died for them. Bil- lions upon billions of our hard-earned dollars were poured into the fight for them. Every one of us made sacrifices for them. And the alarming lpart of it is that Europe is hard at work today to get us to do it all over again! They'll suc- ceed, too, unless we've grown up to the extent of having learned our lesson. Let's hope we have. Let's have the intelligence to see through propa- ganda. Let's have the good s'ense to keep whatever partiality we might feel strictly to ourselves. Let's have the foresight to keep our inoMey out of war. Let's have the ,decency to keep hate out of our heart,. Let's have the courOuge, this time, to stay out. WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT Do you agree? If you do, come along with us and help us to make that spirit prevail throughout the nation. For advice on what to do about it, write today to World Peaceways, 103 Park Avenue, New York City. EVEREAT CAFE TROUBLE AROUND THE CORNERS (Continued from Page 9) vernacular of the baseball trade. But Christman hit a long ball, and cognizant of the success of the New York Yankee long range stickers, you know the value of the bomber who can break up a ball game with a single wallop into the hinter- lands. Bill Crane seems the best bet defensively at second base, but he lacks experience, and it is distaste- ful to the baseball coach to spring a new man into the important sec- ond base job. It's essentially the same story at shortstop, where football men Jim Starmer and Ron King, both new to the Missouri diamond, have worked. Unfortu- nately, neither has shown excep- tional fielding finesse in practice games. One of the pair may give Crane a run for second base. Third base, a position filled last year by stitch-in-time Marsden, an alert young man who paced the club in the essential runs-batted-in department even though his hitting average dipped lower than a deep- sea diver, probably will go to Clair Flick or Bill Cunningham, also newcomers. Neither is a fielding marvel-not by all the barleycorn in Kentucky's hills. But Flick, a 30-year-old collegian, has the earmarks of a good hitter. You can forgive a lot of fielding sins in a chap who can rifle clothesline basehits around the old apple orchard. Most important outfield loss was loquacious Marshall Sneed, 1939 captain and an energetic pepper- pod whose value to the team never could be measured alone on batting figures or fielding brilliance. Junior Ken Wackher, a left-hand gunner, will patrol left field again. Last year, once he acclimated himself and shed an inferiority complex that shackled him early, the quiet sunfielder played good baseball. Noel Hair, unromantically "Abe" to his college comrades, has traded his pitcher's toeplate for a compass and sun glasses out in the wide open spaces. Hair's hitting aptitude makes him much too important to pick up splinters on the bench. Will Griese, a "Handy-Andy" util- (Continued on Next Page) PHILIPS & CO. ARROW CLEANERS TROUBLE AROUND THE CORNERS (Continued from Page 21) ity man a year ago, Herb Gregg, and Alphonse Brune seem leading candidates for the other starting sentry berth in an outfield that, offensively and defensively, should excel its 1939 counterpart. With firebrand Lyle "Duke" Sullivan at hand for the catcher's position, Harold Klaus won't be missed any more than a truant snowflake in a blizzard. Sullivan, tall and filling out, has the physical mannerisms of Bill Dickey. The sophomore can belt a baseball and he can throw, and, more important, he isn't afraid to. And he's got more verve and spiel than a side- show barker. Great prospect, with Bill Ballew a capable assistant. Capt. Carl Miles heads a pitch- ing staff that, for sheer brilliance, makes even a dour soul like Coach Simmons break down and smile. Southpaw Miles, a shrewd baseball student, dishes up a dipsy-doodle slow curve that, blended cleverly with the fast ball, accentuates the speed of the old "high hard one." He and "General" Lafayette Calen Howard, a lanky lad who throws with his right hand, shouldered the white man's burden last season. Roly-poly Bill Spencer, a rotund rascal with a bagpipe profile, and Franklin Graham are sophomore right-handers with' the old "moxie," as the East-side boys would say. Also, you can't forget Bill Dahms, a reliable fellow who has tagged along patiently for two years. Simmons' ball clubs have won 35 games and lost only eight in three years and twice have trundled cff with the Big Six gonfalon, which, dear Esmeralda-is a sportswriter's synonym for championship and not a Venetian canal boat. But begging Will Shakespeare's pardon, the "to be or not to be" question about this 1940 Univer- sity of Missouri baseball team must be answered by the infield alone. Of course, Oklahoma has the same problem, for Coach Lawrence "Jap" Haskell lost a pair of prize packages in Second baseman Joe Gulledge, now with the Boston Bees, and Shortstop Jerry Crosby, wintering at the expense of the Tulsa Oilers of the Texas League. And even though he has ten letter- men, including four pitchers-Jim Pope, John Heath, Harold Halling, and R. B. Deal-Haskell will have to replace the departed artistic performers around the second sack or the Sooners will have a devilish time retaining the title they won last year by brushing past all oppo- sition after they lost their first con- ference game to Kansas State. There are also infield worries at Kansas and at Nebraska and-. The point is, to shorten a tale that's already longer than a fungo, infielders are wanted more in the Big Six than Jesse James was in the days before he went to Holly- wood to make movies. OUR WEEKLY BIRCHING (Continued from Page 4) ever had its hell-raisers; no student in the University of Paris in 1300 indulged in the "formal glorifica- tion" of drunkenness; no early clerk of Oxford ever hymned fleshly delights! Not too sadly we say: In truth, poor lad, the point you make It gives a chap the belly- ache. And as an antidote we offer: Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink. For fellows whom it hurts to think. Let us then draw the shroud softly about our editorial fuehrer with this final hint: 'tis only think- ing lays lads underground, espe- cially when the thought overtaxes the capacity of its author. They're telling this of Lord Bea- verbrook and a visiting Yankee actress. In a game of hypothetical questions, Beaverbrook asked the lady: "Would you live with a stranger if he paid you 5,000,000 pounds?" She answered, "Yes." "And if he paid you 5 pounds?" "What you think I am?" Beaver- brook replied: "We've already established that, now we're trying to determine the degree." -Pell-Mell MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY Columbia Laundry FRATERNITY MANAGEMENT March seems to be a musical month with such notable birthdays as: Glenn Miller, Ella Logan, Ma- rion Hutton, Ina Ray Hutton, Sam- my Kaye, Les Brown, Harry James, )zzie Nelson, and Red Norvo. Jack Teagarden, trombonist of Paul Whiteman fame who started his own band thirteen months ago, savs he is "broke but happy" since going bankrupt. His assets were listed as $160, his liabilities, $45,- 863. Maybe you've been listening to Woody Herman's band which has been broadcasting nightly from the Panther Room of the Hotel Sher- man in Chicago. This band is real- ly getting into a fine groove. Woody says, "My band is in better shape now than it has ever been before." His recording of WOOD-CHOP- PER'S BALL is one of the most popular tunes right now and his vocalist, Carol Kay, sings the blues as they should be sung. Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong's band is grooving deep and wide in the Cotton Club again. Midge Wil- liams, his vocalist, having lived in the Orient several years, has been using her knowledge of Chinese and Japanese to good advantage by "translating" American pop tunes into Oriental chants. Bunny Berigan walked out on his band the other day and agreed to play trumpet again for Tommy Dorsey's orchestra. This band a few years ago waxed the ever-pop- ular MARIE, which is still going round-and-round. That ultra-super ON THE WAX A few notes on Dick Jur- gens, the popular maestro who will play for the Senior- Farewell dance at Stephens, May 17 and 18. Jurgens, entering his tenth year in the musical field, has one of the top-notch sweet bands, featuring fine vocaliz- ing. Until recently popular Eddie Howard did the vocals. Now that Howard has his own radio program, Harry Cool of St. Louis has taken over the singing chores. "Careless," "My Last Good- bye," "If I Knew Then What I Know Now," and "Cecilia" are a few of the many well- known numbers recorded by the Jurgens outfit. Just re- cently the boys recorded four songs from the Rodgers and Hart musical, "Higher and Higher." These tunes, made for Vocalion, are: "From An- other World," "Nothing But You," "Believing," and "Devil May Care." Perhaps they in- dicate why Jurgens is being called by some the "sensation of the nation." trumpet chorus that follows the vocal was played by Bunny him- self, if you remember. Returning from their run-away honeymoon, Mr. and Mrs. (Lana Turner) Artie Shaw are now in Los Angeles, where Artie has organized a new band of thirty-one pieces! He is working on a movie and says he plans to stay where he is for a few years, anyway. Erskine Hawkin's theme, TUX- EDO JUNCTION, has turned out to be one of the most popular tunes of the season. Harry James (an- other trumpet player) recently made a recording of this number, and his trumpet solo (not Ers- kine's) is considered one of the best on wax. Jan Savitt has a trumpet player who plays the "Harry James" style about as well as Harry himself-in fact on KANSAS CITY MOODS and BLUES IN THE GROOVE, Johnnie Austin plays a couple of choruses that James might well be proud of and probably envies more than a little. Benny Goodman was rushed to a hospital in Hot Springs, Ark., after being severely stricken with scia- tica early this month. His band went on to the west coast and is waiting out there for him to get well, which he says he will do in "no time." Tonight it is cold But I don't care, The way my date holds I'll be warm as a bear. Tonight it is hot But that's not so bad, The date that I've got Is a bashful lad. -Texas Ranger From the Hospital: "Doctor, will the scar show?" M. D.: "Not if you're careful." -Texas Ranger BOWLING LUMBER COMPANY Dodo-Girls can be divided into two classes-the goods and the bads. Lolo-So what? Dodo-Well, some fellows never get caught with the goods. -Texas Ranger From a sentry came the chal- lenge: "Halt! Who's there?" "Officer of the day," was the reply. There was a long silence, fol- lowed by the sound of footsteps stopped by a quick command- "Halt!"-and that unmistakable click of a rifle safety clicked off. The officer in an irritable, nervous voice cried: "Well, well, what do you say now?" "I can't just remember," replied the sentry. "But, by jingo you better stand still until I think of it."-Pell-Mell It was already dark, and the narrow New England bylane was seldom frequented even in the day- time. The two occupants of the '32 coupe parked at the side of the road were completely oblivious of the approach of a motorcycle cop until the beam of a flashlight broke the peace. "What are you doing in there?" the officer gruffly demand- ed. "Nothing," came the imperturb- able masculine retort. "Okay buddy," rejoined the im- peccable cop, "you come out and hold the flashlight."-Tiger shoot the sherry to me, Jerry shoot the fruitcake to me, Freddy shoot the money to me, honey shoot the fishcake to me, it's Friday shoot the umbrella to me, Neville boy shoot the parley to me, Farley shoot the shoes on to me, Susan shoot the apricots to me, Happy shoot the baby to me, Abie shoot the embargo repeal to me, Franklin shoot the sugar to me shoot me shoot sh Shot! -Tiger page twenty-four The Missouri SHOWME J. V. CONNOLLY, Godfather PHIL DESSAUER, Editor JOHN J. JACHYM, Business Manager ADVISORY BOARD Nate Silverman George Miller ASSOCIATE EDITOR Houston Cox ADVERTISING Bill Roberts, Advertising Manager Harry Lechtman John McCrae Sylvia Schultz Kieth Eminger CONTRIBUTORS Florence Schwartz Leona Howe Rosalie Sandoz Frances Tucker Doyle Jay Hym Turner John Conde Tommy Wolff Barrie Young Murray Glanzer ART STAFF Walt Johnson Art McQuiddy Bill Freehoff Charles Kufferman PHOTOGRAPHERS Steve Ritz Robert Holloway Dixie Montgomery, Stephens College George Sisler Hugh Crumpler Ben Goldberg Ben Kocivar CIRCULATION Garland Pagett, Circulation Manager Winifred Wise Eileen Reilly PROMOTION Joseph Stone EXCHANGES Nelson Church SECRETARIAT Peggy Phelps Marie Pfuhl Marjorie Bryan Helen Matson ASSISTANTS Roy Moskop Jeanne Fontaine Betty Anne Quiett George Arthur Betty Lou English Frank Kulp Norman Rolfe Jim Moseley Johnel Fisher Bob Van Doren Marian Linn Sheldon Sandler Alfred Schultz Dave Wolk Bob Balfour Herb Gross Martin Jacobs The Brown Derby The Jacqueline Shop Camel Cigarettes