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Missouri Showme April, 1941; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1941

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Missouri Showme April 1941 15 cents Lucky Strike Cigarettes NOTES FROM A DRAFTEE'S DREAM "Oh, that's all right, Jones. I know you were out a little late last night and didn't have time to get your equipment in shape. See what you can do with it next Saturday, will you?" "Laundry will be collected Monday and returned Tues- day." "Acting corporals will purchase beer for all men dur- ing refreshment periods." "Don't bother cleaning your rifles, men. You'll only get all greasy." "All men who do not desire to participate in the coming maneuvers will be placed on furlough during the period." "Since you'll be getting a bonus anyway, we will allow you to start drawing on it immediately." "Tell a risque story to Marge and she doesn't even blush." "Is she sophisticated?" "No, anaemic." * The Man: I want a loaf of Mumsie's bread, a package of Krunchies, some Goody Sanny Spread, Ole Mammy's Lasses, Orange Pully, a pound of Aunt Annie's sugar candy, Bitsey-Bite size. The Clerk: Sorry. No Krunchies. How about Krinkly Krisps, Oatsie-Toasties, Malty-Wheaties, Ricelets, or Eatum-Wheetums? The Man: The Wheetums, then. The Clerk: Anything else? Tootsies, Tattery Chips, Cheesie Weesies, Gingile Bits, Itsey Cakes, Sweetsie Too- fums or Dramma's Doughnies? The Man (toddling towards the meat department) : Dot to det some meat. "Sally has a bird-like quality about her." "Yeh, crow's-feet." "Daddy insists on keeping it there." SOME PIPE TOBACCOS ARE LIKE BLIND-DATES! MAN, ESPECIALLY the pipe-smoking kind, is the eternal optimist. With each new brand-he expects the pipe tobacco of his dreams. Yet after each fresh disappointment, he returns anew to the search. THAT'S WHY we point with pride to the thousands of college men who started pipe smoking with a tin of EDGEWORTH and have still to find a smoother, mellower tobacco. WE THINK EDGEWORTH will bring you the same pleasure-and we'd like a chance to prove it. WE WANT TO send you a generous sample of EDGE- WORTH Ready-Rubbed-America's Finest Pipe Tobacco. And here's a double guarantee to go with it. First, EDGEWORTH is blended of the finest, costliest leaf grown. And, second, EDGEWORTH is specially blended to a young man's taste- CUTE, BUT TRICKY When they don't have anything to do on the campus they do something else. Right now we have a fad that is chasing itself around. This novel way of using up time is to take your vest off without removing your coat. It can be done. Jake Leflingwell thought he could do it. First, Jake took all the junk out of his vest to make it easy. He had two cans of beer, a bottle opener, a mis- placed eyebrow, a ticket to a burlesque show, an old prom program and a handkerchief, smeared with that cute red stuff that girls wear, in his vest. After he got that out, his vest just sagged on him. Jake started out by poking his coat arm in through his vest and while he was on his way he clipped one of the new pledges. The pledge was out for the rest of the per- formance. He then worked his vest back over his arm and took all the buttons off his sleeve. After that he worked the vest over his other arm, but in the meantime part of it got over his face. After that Jake grabbed his tie by mistake and nearly strangled himself before he let go. He couldn't see, so he ripped a couple pockets off of his new coat and then he went to work on the lining. Jake ended up by taking everything off but his vest. Jake's at a different institution now. He's trying to figure out how he can get the straight jacket off of him and on the warden. Another time when a man likes to see a girl stick to her knitting is when she's wearing a bathing suit. Life Savers FREE! A BOX OF LIFE SAVERS FOR THE BEST WISECRACK! What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this week? Send it to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself into a free prize box of Life Savers! For the best gag submitted each month by one of the stu- dents, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane- wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors. Jokes will be judged by the editors of this publication. The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be published the following month along with the lucky win- ner's name. Maybe a co-ed doesn't like a man's ways, but she can always stand his means. May: So those two conceited football players get along perfectly. June: Sure, they see "I" to "I" with each other. * She: That's not the way to dance. You started off on the wrong foot. He: On my right? She: No, on my left. THE WHITE LINE They took our entire class for a visit to an insane asy- lum. Why, we still don't know. Perhaps they wanted to show us what happens if you study too hard. The reason we bring this up is that while we were there, we lost our professor. Only yesterday, did we find out what happened to him. The professor had noticed one of the inmates painting a white line down the middle of the floor as if it were a roadway. He stopped the nut and asked, "What are you doing?" The inmate whispered, "They think I'm crazy, but in a straight line with the one I'm making, fifty yards from the gate, under an oak tree, lies buried a pot of gold, and I don't want to forget where it is. When you leave, get the gold, and hire a doctor and a lawyer to get me out of here. I'll split the remains with you." The professor dashed out. He measured fifty yards from the gate and found the oak tree. He began to dig. He kept digging the entire night. In the morning, he returned, tired and dirty, and found the inmate still painting the line. "There wasn't any gold there," he shouted at the nut. "Here, you paint for a while," replied the inmate. "You'll have to fill out a blank if you want a job with us." "An application form?" "No, your mind." First Boy (reading in book) : What does it mean-"The redskin bit the dust"? Second Boy: He was eating spinach, I guess. "Howard was late again." With the coming of the first crocus and that unmistakable "spring smell", Joe and Joseph- ine uncorked on the Hinkson. And we ask you, "What could be fairer?" Showme has a brand new staff this month-all feminine and all utterly unacquainted (till now) with what humor magazine editors go through. The co-eds who put out this issue are Theta Sigma Phi's members of a pro- fessional women's organization in Jay School. When we first considered tak- ing over the April issue we thought of Easter-spring vaca- tion, picnics, cutting class, strip- downs and convertibles, and new clothes. So we decided to concoct a mixture of spring and fashions -just to get you in the mood for a glorious week end. We admit we're greenhorns --and the first effort of a green- horn is usually as green as the pages of our fashion section. But perhaps it was pride in Theta Sig, and perhaps it was deter- mination to show up the opposite sex-anyway, we gave our best. And we've enjoyed it. We did navigate in a fog for a week and right now we're still hoping for, not counting on your approval. But it's all been fun. So if you like it, tell us, and if you don't remember the reg- ular staff had nothing to do with it--except in advertising. Theta Sig Staff Editor . . . Mary Louise Huff Features . . . Lily Ann Dickey Fashions . Lane Carlson Short . . . . Lois Hedrick Contributing Author . . Rosalie Sandoz Information Please . . . Susie Hetherington Photography . . . . Nancy Clark Humor . . Jeanne Ecroyd Articles . . Elouise Greene Rhea Ewald WITH ASSISTANCE OF Bill Freehoff Keith Emengger Russ Bright Leonard Cohen Chuck Kufferman Ernie Heuter Art McQiddy Hal Heller Mabel Julian Irv Farbman Vol. X April, 1941 No. 8 STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP The Missouri Showme is published monthly except during July and August by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the single copy. Copyright 1941 by Mis- souri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, original contents not to be reprinted without permission. Permission given all recognized exchanging college pub- lications. Editorial and Business offices, Room 13, Walter Williams Hall; office of publication, Star-Journal Publishing Co., Warrensburg, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. "Oh yes, I believe in Defense- Up to a Certain point." -Banter. What's Inside Theta Sigma Phi-your guest editors . . . . . . . 4 No Men Wanted . . . 5 A short story that will give you those ten lessons you've always heard about! Tax Tokens. . . . 6, 7 That long, short story of the issue. It's a gooder. Information Puleeze . 8 Easter Fashion Section . . . . 9 Eagles or Anchors? . . . 10 They're both not so bad, whadda- ya say? Style Scoop. . . 11 You've never known style like we know style. Gamma Alpha Chi Style Show Shots . . . . 12, 13 Dammed white of us, wasn't it? Photo Pheature . . 17 Mr. and Miss Mizzou - this spring's typically dressed campus couple. Showme Show . . . 18 More WOW! Spring Fever . . . 23 We got it too. Co-Ed Careers . . . 24 The why's and wherefores of business. Spring Wedding . . 25 What? No shot guns? Greeks in Review . . 26 Pick 'em while they're hot! Round Towner . . . 34, 35 Where ya goin' tonite? Lovers, like all people who are blind, develop a wonderful sense of touch. -Jester. Theta Sig T ALL scrawny females with high cheekbones, horn-rim- med glasses, and wispy hair pull- ed up into a knot-that's what the average person thinks of when you mention women in journalism. We may not admit it, but one of the purposes of Theta Sig is to prove to the human race in general (and men in partic- ular) that the above idea is passee. And if we can't be evidence that the female news- hound has changed since Mr. Hearst's hey day, we can at least show that tactics are different. Lady literaries have decided it's a man's world. And it fol- lows the best way to get along in a man's world is to act like a man without letting him know it-i. e. borrow all his good pro- fessional qualities but remain the sweet delicate clinging vine in his eyes. If a girl journalist is smart she'll contrive to cover a news source with a man at its head. It's surprising how much more news a girl can get from a mas- Prexy of Theta Sig is Betty Supplee. She is the auburn-hair- ed Missourian society editor and has chosen "Pulp Magazines" as the title for her masters thesis. Betty comes from Bain- bridge, N. Y. culine than .a feminine news channel. Though she's been working years on a newspaper and knows she's plenty good, she should appear to be the greenest of beginners, relying on the big efficent news source to help her fill her share of the news columns. Note: Too much of this may lead to complica- tions. The minute she gets away from the source of information she must undergo an immediate Miss Frances Grinstead gets the final headaches on Theta Sig problems-she's the sponsor. It's up to her to direct the Mis- sourian's weekly feature page. If you're a young author needing encouragement go to her-she can find you the best market. metamorphosis. She dashes back to the office with an energy not usually found in weak, defense- less creatures like herself. She throws herself at a typewriter and starts peckin', utterly obliv- ious of the men in the office- they'll never make more than $10 a week. She must write a story any man would be proud to slap on sleezy pulp-for now her professional qualities must pull her through. Goo doesn't go with the boss. If she follows this plan and is lucky our Jane Arden may be doing exciting society items twenty years after. Honest, though, Theta Sig does try to get "sob sisters" ready for something besides tears. They get together once a week and listen to talks by gals who made good or by profs they need to polibick to make grades for initiation. After this ceremony they wear the Theta Sig gold lintoype matrix-they are cute tricks, too. Betty Supplee, that red-head- ed rage of the Missouria society desk (don't tell any one but she grits her teeth when she talks to the social whirlers), has led Theta Sig through this year. And ask her if you don't think it's a job dragging people from the Ever Eat to meeting during Mon- day afternoon jelly hours. And now for the swan song -we're proud to be Theta Sigs and if you want to know us after seeing this issue of Showme (doubtful) drop over to Jay School any time. Mary Louise Huff Editor-in-chief Lily Ann Dickey Feature Editor Lane Carlson Fashions Editor Lois Hedrick Short Story Editor Rosalie Sandoz Contributing Author Sue Hetherington Information Please No Men Wanted Or How to Become an Old Maid By Rosalie Sandoz Girls, are numberless men trying to waste your time? Do they insist on dragging you to shows, dances, and parties? Do they interrupt your studying by 'phoning you every ten minutes? Now that spring is nearly here, do they seek to ro- mance under the stars and on the banks of the Hinkson? Do they bore you by repeatedly asking you to marry them? If men knock each other down in order to dance with you and if your date book is complete- ly filled for the next two months, you must be unconsciously alluring them. The only way to chase them away is to discover what attracts them -and then rid yourself of that seductive char- acteristic. Perchance gossips whispers that you don't believe in Monroe's "hands off" policy. When- ever a man attempts to hold your hand, swat him with an umbrella or a pocket book. Prettily shaped legs decorated with sheer hose and neat pumps invariably trap masculine eyes. If men persist to stare at your legs, boy- cott the Far East by wearing cotton stockings and heavy, clumsy boots that hide or disfigure slender ankles. If your face enchants football players, Phi Beta Kappas, and play boys alike, change your hair dress so that the lines of your face become hard and angular instead of soft and sensuous. If men continue to rave about your hair after you cease combing and curling it, let it return to its natural, mousey color. Stop using rouge, lip stick, nail polish, powder, eye brow pencil, and perfume. Break off all fing- ernails. Let your eye brows grow out and stop fertilizing your eye lashes. If males are still fas- cinated by your beauty, paint purple patches on your face and black out a couple front teeth with chewing gum. Your clothes may excite campus Don Juans, Casanovas, and Romeos. Immpersonate a bag of barley with a robe tied around its middle. This can easily be accomplished by ripping out hems of skirts, adding four inches around the waist, and lowering the waist line. Such color combina- tions as purple, red and green or orange, pink, and scarlet should nauseate any robust, all-power- ful male. Maybe your conversation intrigues men. Nev- er ask any of them questions-unless you know they won't know the answers. Confession of ig- norance always gives them an inferiority com- plex--and the more inferior they feel, the faster they flee. Whenever they begin to talk about them- selves, change the topic to your athletic achieve- ments. Boast about your trophies and show them your muscular biceps. Don't permit them to talk about their hobbies, friends, plans, grade school honors, likes and dislikes, or studies. If they insist, refuse to listen. Give them advice as to how they should shine their shoes, comb their hair, and lead their aces. Never break an oppressive silence. Never admire a man's profile, his smile, his neck ties, or his receipes for cocktails-it will only add to his con- ceit. Forget his name and confuse him with some- one else. The less you flatter him, the less he will return seeking flattery. Tell your admirer every thing he says is an obvious line-that he exaggerates and sounds in- sincere. Don't ask for his opinion, as that's too high a compliment to pay any man. Don't lead him to believe he has either a sense of humor or good common sense. If he has recently flunked a course, praise his former professor. If he has a physical defect, make him realize his helpless- ness and inferiority. Whatever you do, don't permit a man to im- press you with his importance or to discover that you have mutual interests. When you see him, let him know you are distinctly uninterested by muttering disgustedly, "Oh, so it's just YOU again". Embarrass him whenever opportunity knocks Preach at him. Cross-examine him. Be intolerant of his short-comings. Interrupt him. Belittle him. Act grouchy and bored. Insist on singing church hymns off key. Wisecrack frivolously every time he attempts to make a serious point. Although you look repulsive and act barbar- iously, some brave men may still seek your com- pany because you are an outstanding dancer or bridge player. Begin tripping over your partner's feet and trumping his ace. For fear a man might be interested in you for mercenary reasons, inform him that your fath- er is bankrupt and all your other relatives enjoy W.P.A. If he is scientifically seeking a wife who will produce intelligent children, refer him to your parents who live at an institution in Fulton. Then prove you are a direct descendant of the Jukes family. If any male continues to pursue you after you have correctly fulfilled all details, the author will gladly refund the fifteen cents you paid for this copy of SHOWME. 5 Tax Tokens by Floyd Martin The last party of jitterbugs left the Alamo Tavern about four-thirty, heading back to San Antonio. Joe wiped the rings off the top of the bar. It was a bar at one end, complete with brass rail; but farther down its length, revolving stools mushroomed before it to give the respectability of a short-order lunch counter. Seated on one of the stools with her elbows on the counter, Jean, the prettier of the Tavern's two hostesses, fondly watched Joe work. After wiping the bar to a damp slick, he moved his cloth over the lunch counter in a circular motion to pick up the crumbs. As he came to each of Jean's elbows he lifted it carefully and set them back down again after wiping the counter under them. Finishing, he hung the cloth over the hot plate to dry. "Think I'll go out and gage the gas in the storage tanks, "he said to Jean. "All right, Joe, "she smiled "and I'll run the mop over the dance floor. After he had gone out, Jean walked behind the bar and got the mop out of the corner. She began polishing the surface of the dance floor vigorously. Suddenly, before one of the booths lining the right side of the room, she stopped. "Wake up, Billie, she said sharly Sitting up, Billie fluffed her red hair. "What the hell for," she asked crossly, "don't I ever get a chance to rest?" "Sure," Jean answered, " after we've helped Joe get the place straightened up. It's almost daylight." '"Joe, Joe, Joe!" Billie's voice rose hysterically. "That's all I hear out of you. It that no-good lug did all his work instead of lofing around read- ing detective stories, maybe we could get some rest." Leaning the mop against a booth, Jean put her fists on her hips and faced Billie. "Look, kid," she said softly, "you're all in. I know you're tired. But look, dammit, don't say things like that about Joe where I can hear you. Billie got out of the booth and stood de- fiantly before Jean. "And why cant't I?" she asked sarcastically. "Since you and Joe got sweet on each other you just aboabout run the place. But lissen, baby, here's one little cookie you can't bluff. I say Joe is a louse." Trying to be patient, Jean explained, He's really O.K. He works eighteen hours a day try- ing to make this place pay out. He's honest and decent, and smart. All he needs is a little pub- licity and a couple of good breaks-none of which he ever got." Jean paused and saw that Billie 6 wasn't interested in the explanation. "O.K.," she went on, "think whtever you please. To you he's a drip and a louse because he doesn't spend half his time making passes at you. Just don't think it out loud," she added threateningly. Billie pushed up against Jean and they stood tensely face to face. "The hell I won't," shouted Billie. "You little tramp. I could probably run Joe and the joint and all the hired help, too, if I was willing to-" The slap cracked sharply as Jean's open hand closed Billie's mouth. They fought with the purposeful silence of those who know how to fight. When Joe walked in the front door with his gage book, they were locked together and each had handful the other's hair. "Hey," Joe said crossing the floor with lengthed stride, "break it up." After separat- ing them, he between them. "What goes on? Sure, we had a hard night and you're tired. But don't crack up and to slugging. You both better go to bed and get some rest he said. "O.K.," Billie said, jerking loose from him. "Let me alone. I was just going" At the door she paused and sneered over her shoulder, "You two would like to be alone, anyway." Jean started after her, but Joe's heavy arm around her shoulder held her back." "No more of that, honey. You're tired, too." Leading her to the lunch counter, Joe made her sit on one of the stools. She watched him as he finished mop- ping the floor. When he had fin- ished he put the mop away. Swiveling on the stool, Jean asked him, "Mind if I look at one of your magazines?" "Help yourself," Joe smiled at her. "They're all in a stack over in the corner." Sorting idly through the stack, Jean asked him, "Why do you read so many dectective maga- zines, Joe?" He looked up and smiled and then was serious. "Well," he said, "I supposed I wanted to be a detective once. Working on the force pays a little better than the Alamo Tavern does. Now I just read for fun." Sitting down again at the counter, Jean thumbed through one of the magazines. Some- thing rattled the screen of the open door. Joe, working behind the bar, straightened up. He thought maybe it was a custo- mer. Seeing it was only the paper, he went out and picked it up. He sat on the stool next to Jean and they spread the paper on the counter before them. "Look at the top of that front page," Jean complained, "noth- ing but the war." "Yeah," said Joe, disinterestedly, "Let's skip it. I seen one war-the hard way." Together they turned the paper over to look at the bot- tom half of the page. "Look," said Jean, pointing with her finger, "there in the middle. There's another mur- der story for you." Joe looked. "Sure is," he said. Then he read aloud: "The police as yet have no clues to the whereabouts of Clyde Mace, Missouri desperado, who, day before yesterday rob- bed a bank in Maypole, Mo., killing its president and two tell- ers. The Missouri State High- way Patrol believes that Mace has escaped from Missouri and has come to Texas, traveling by night." Joe stopped reading and look- ed up. "Say, that's something. Nothing like that since Dilling- er and Barrows. Wish I could catch him," he mused. "But Texas is a pretty big place and I probably won't run into him." He laughed. "Wonder how I would know him if I did see him." "Maybe his car would have Missouri licenses on it," Jean suggested. "Yeah, maybe," Joe nodded absently and returned to reading the new account. Tires crunching on the gravel drive drew Jean's attention. "Car out front," she told Joe. Re- luctantly, Joe left his story. "What-? Oh, all right." At the door Joe stopped. "He's coming in." Carefully refolding the paper, he laid it on the counter with the head- lines up. A man pulled open the screen and stood in the door. "Good mo'nin'," he said, "how a' you all this mo'nin'?" "Fine, fine," Joe answered mechanically, "What can I do for you?" " Cup of coffee an' a glass of wahtuh," the fellow said. The man took a long drink of water and picked up the morn- ing paper. Turning to the urn Joe drew him a cup of coffee. As Joe leaned on the coun- ter, the man took a pint of whis- key from his top-coat pocket. He unscrewed the cap and raised his head to suck twice at the bottle's neck, but his eyes con- tinued to shuttle back and forth across the paper. "That'll be ten cents," Joe interrupted him. The man looked up, startled. Then he laughed. "Ah'm sor- ry," he said, "just readin' about this Missouri tough invadin' Texas. Reckon us Texans can take care of that so't of fellah." He laughed again, but didn't sound convinced. "Tell yah what," the man went on, "fix my cah up and just put it all on the same bill. An' be suah to check the ti'es all around." "Spare, too?" Joe asked. The man studied absently and then said, "Yeah, suah." Checking the car was strictly routine work but Joe admired it as a machine-last year's model and power to burn. Lift- ing the hood, Joe checked the oil. The motor was so hot and fuming the oil smoke burned his throat and eyes. The oil was down three quarts. This baby, thought Joe, has been dri- ven. Going about the servicing mechanically, Joe watched the highway. He couldn't get the idea of the Missouri murderer out of his mind. If business got slow, he intended to sit out front when it warmed up more and check passing cars for a Missouri license. The wind- shield and headlight lenses were rough under the chamois cloth. Bugs were smeared on the glass surfaces-the way they plaster on a fast-moving car. He glanc- ed again at the road-he would sure like to see a car wearing Missouri plates. The tires needed a little air. With the keys from the ignition Joe opened the trunk. There was no spare in it, and there had not been a spare in it for a long time. The threads on the lugs that would have held it in place were rusted together. Quietly closing the trunk, Joe locked it, returned the keys to the ignition and went inside, mentally adding the bill. Jean stopped him in the door to tell him she was going out to her cabin to rest. "That," said Joe, leaning across the counter toward the man, "will be two dollars and sevently-seven cents plus the dime for coffee is two-eighty- seven." "OK", the fellow said, but he seemed in no hurry to leave or to pay his bill. "Nice car you have there," Joe commented, "how long you had it?" The man looked at Joe, un- decided about answering a bar- tender's questions. Then he smiled and estimated uncertain- ly, "Oh, about a yeah now, Ah reckon." "Nice car," repeated Joe, "but you really have been whip- ping her." "Yeah," the fellow agreed and frowned a bit over the con- tinued questioning, "yeah, al run between Houston and, and Corpus Christi for a- for an oil company." "That right?" Joe inquired solicitously. "I got cabins out back. It's an hour's drive on in- to San Antone. Better take one and rest awhile. Pretty danger- ous to drive tired." "Yeah," the man admitted, "it is. Ah'm wo'n out. Reckon Ah'll just take one." The man took a small coin purse from his pocket and opened it showing bills clipped on one side and (Continued on Page 29.) 7 Information Puleeze. By Sue Hetherington and Nancy Clark Featuring UNCLE "TOM" MORELOCK Question: I. What do you think of women's hats? II. Of women's styles? III. Comments . . . ? "Uncle Tom" Morelock, prolific punster of copy desk, got women's fashions out of his sys once and for all this time. Famous for giving Is F's to all female copyreaders except Mary Marg McBride, he pitches into this aspect of the weaker with his customary ferocity. Women's hats are becoming -ridiculous! No wonder the merchants are worried-the slack season is here again. When it comes to style, men are slaves to convention, women to invention. (Author's note: I suggest you cut the story here.) Although styles are never stable, almost every woman wishes she could be a clothes- horse. (Author's note: Cut here before it is too late.) The military motif is marching to the front. At any rate shoe styles are again putting milady's toes in the draft. Girls studying journalism or photography should wear prints. Style means more to women than men. What I should say is that style means more to women than style means to men. I haven't much patience with a woman who tries to look dar- ing and then dares you to look. "Alice Blew Gown" is, I am told, the name of a song. I had always supposed it to be a head- line on a fashion tragedy in the stout department of the Dresse Shoppe. Women's fashions drive me to drink, distraction, and bank ruptcy. I prefer bankruptcy. Women develop poise by wear ing those crazy fashion creation haw they get avoirdupois is an other story. I do not like to slight purse bags and other trunks, and should discuss costume jewelry gloves, etc., but I already feel if I am an accessory before the fact. To sum it all up, a ribbon look better in a maiden's hair than or a soldier's blouse. Jesse E. Wrench Professor of History Don Faurot Instructor in Physical Education Head Football Coach J. E. Wrench, history. 1. A great joke. 2. Never notice unless they get in my eye. 3. No comment. (Much restraint shown by interviewee.) J. B. Wolf, history. 1. A man you can catch with a hat isn't worth having. 2. Most styles are damn foolishness. Men don't care what you wear. 3. What's inside the clothes is what counts. Don Faurot, coach. 1. I like the new models and the constant change. 2. I also like the pretty pastel colors, or new styles in anything at all. 3. Low-cut shoes and white numerals are popular on football uniforms this year. E. K. Johnston, advertising. 1. The girls, in the hats, look like something that ought to be tat- tooed on sailors. 2. As bogus as china eggs. 3. Special hate-"sunburn" powder. 8 (Continued on Page 33.) Dr. John B. Assistant Professor of History E. K Associate P of Advertising Easter Fashions Eagles or Anchors This business of women's clothes going National Defense- minded with a vengeance, has gotten to the point where getting dressed in the morning is a real problem. You don't know whether to plug the Army, Navy, Marines or Coast Guard, or go around in something with no labels and be suspected of be- ing a saboteur, fifth columnist or a Missouri Mata Hari! And it's rather disconcerting to find that the charming little number you picked up gives you practically no rank at all com- pared with the general's stars on that print in the seat next to you. Your print makes you out just a technical-sergeant, whatever that is, and although "technical" does sound rather imposing, you just don't rate with the brass hats. And if you are Navy-minded, you get snub- bed by some gal sporting a cap- tain's insignia when she sees you're just a bo'sn's mate's mate or something. Other women's clothes cause enough gnashing of teeth without having some little snip pull her rank on you. There's an old saying in the Army that "R.H.I.P."-which translated means "Rank Has Its Privileges"-but when women start in with it, my bet it that it'll change to "Rest Here in Pieces"! Then there's the other prob- lem of getting yourself com- pletely outfitted in a dandy little get-up that shows your yen for great, big -e-yoo-ti-ful Navy men, and you find your date has just joined the Army . . . and vice versa. Of course, you might play safe and wear one of those "basic" dresses, and have an ex- tra supply of clips or insignias that snap on in a hurry, but it's kinda hard on a gal to be true to the whole Army, Navy, Marine Corps or what-have-you all in one evening. But the trouble doesn't end there, because an air-minded dress with wings and such may get you a dirty look from the Army's infantry, the Navy's sea- going dogs or those Marine landing forces who always have "the situation well in hand". The dressmakers haven't been content just to let us advertise one particular service, but have gone in for the fine points of the different branches of each one, and you can't very well try to be diplomatic and wear them all, or they'll think you don't know the difference. Talk about the tough life of a soldier or sailor! They have all their clothing problems set- tled for them, and just strut around in uniform and wait for the hearts to stop beating so By Lois Hedrick they can make themselves heard. But we poor women . we can't just wear a Red Cross cap and veil any more and look very feminine and demure . . . we have to look like a surrealist sergeant or an animated ad- miral. We've got our own ideas about clothes, and why on earth do we have to take away the pride and joy that has belonged to man for centuries-that uni- form business which has caused many a woman to have heart failure the first time she saw her hero in civilian clothes? Let 'em have their stars and bars. They like 'em, and so do we--on them. Pretty soon a uni- form won't have any thrill at all, what with women dusting around with epaulets and eagles, fancy caps and flowing capes. Why take all the romance out of life by having to look at some female who doesn't eat Rye Krispies fix herself all up like a floating battleship, or some hawk-nosed gal who fancies her- self as a dashing subaltern? Let's don't rob them of their glory. We've always managed before with a wel-placed ruffle or a couple 'a dozen yards of chiffon, and it's a lot more rest- ful on the eye! STYLE SCOOPS BY SNOOP (The Droop) STOOPNAGLE By ERNIE HEUTER And ART McQUIDDY (As Requested by Theta Sigma Phi) Men's Fashions-What a divine subject to write on this month. As you have no doubt ob- served, men's styles are found in al- most all of men's clothes this year. The trend seams to be more patriotic this spring. The government has now added to its stock of black and white pinstripes and herringbones, complete lines in navy blue and olive drab. Picture yourself in one of these- Are you picturing? Now as to campus Pvt. Buck styles: The college boys have been conspicuous this season by wearing pants. The pants, like women's skirts, have been getting shorter. Observe thusly Now as for collars: Missouri men and Missouri mules are still wearing 'em. Shoes have reached a new bottom and many heels have been observed. Pictured are a few of the campus pedal toggery pips Now as for unmentionables; men are still wear- ing shorts and sleeping in the lower parts of their P. J.'s (short for pajamas. Cute, don't you think? Or don't you think?) This accounts for the 1/2 off sales in nightwear. In only three circumstances are hats worn: 1. When you are a freshman; 2. when you want to be a B. D. M. O. C. (Best dressed man on campus); 3. when you don't use Vitalis Examples are forthcoming Now the matter of shirts; there are shirts and there are shirts. Our males are wearing both. For some unfathomable rea- son sweaters in men's wear do not have the appeal of those in women's wear. Of course overcoats are still as useful as ever at the stadium, day or night. Stunning new creations for enjoyable afternoons on the Hinkson include slit pants- and combination overalls and swim- ming suit. The zipper problem will be discussed in the summer issue. Then we come to those conspicuously ornamentive coverings-socks. We could express our opinion, no matter how strong, and the socks would still beat us. However, we might call attention to the fact that Sunday socks are being worn on week days. You know, the holy ones. If you call these spats it is perfectly all right and then you can wear them an extra two weeks or so. And now, Mr. Esquire and Country Gentlemen, we will close with Hyena Bros. Motto: "IF CLOTHES DON'T MAKE YOU, TRY Listerine Ovaltine Lifebuoy Smith Brothers Kreml Tums Mennen Ipana Bromo Plastic Surgery Opium the River." Gamma Presents SPRING STYLES Smart for shopping or town date is this beige crepe dress modeled by Dorothy Carr, arrow girl from Oak Park, Ill. Her accessories are Conga Red. her shoes saddle leather. White silk jersey tops off the yards and yards of flashing red, blue, and yellow plaid taffeta in this "frat dance" special. Mary Ann Sarg- ent, Delta Gam from University City, is the model. Wilma Adams, Minneapolis, Minn., from Stephens College models this flimy vision of spring loveliness. It is chiffon, soft as a cloud, and lightly splashed with pastel garden flowers. Alpha Chi Polly Nichols of Columbia swings and sways in this La Conga frock. A riot of color-print silk jersey tops the white and red widely-striped skirt. Her sandals are white satin with bright red lacquered heels. Isn't this the South American way? Adele Valette, Gary, Ind., from Stephens College pauses to draw on her glove and show us this snappy spring suit. It is wool and the plaid plays up blue, gray, and rose - her accessories are navy. Smooth, yes? School of Beauty Culture Ship-shape and ready for good sailing is Maxine McMurphy, Duncan, Miss., from Christian College. Her nautical sport ensemble is navy gabardine with white sailor-boy trim. SHOE FASHIONS Footwear fashions d i v i d e themselves this spring into two personalities - the casual and the feminine. The military and naval influence has created the desire and need for women to wear simple, casual clothes and easy-going shoes. You'll see them in saddle beige, that rootin' crisp, suntanned color that's come out o' the west and into fashion's heart! On the other hand, current events have made women more conscious of how precious are pretty, feminine things. Paris Fashion and Connie Shoes simp- ly leave you breathless, they're so lovely! They'll make irresist- ible clinging vines of all of us! See Jacqueline's ad on the in- side back cover page. Civics Stude-"Who laid out this city?" Phi Delt-"Nobody-it ain' dead yet." -Swiped. "You ain't no gentleman." "You ain't no blond." Texas Ranger. PRIZES. To Be Awarded . . . SHOWME SALESGIRLS Rilling Kooler Wave or Realistic Permanent Wave from the COLUMBIA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY CULTURE A pair of Brown and White Spectator Pumps from THE JACQUELINE SHOP A pair of Women's Admira- tion Costume Hose from MILLER'S (These and other prizes to be awarded in May.) Doctor-"I'd like to have a quart of blood for a transfusion, can you give it?" Frosh-"No, sir, I can only afford a pint-I've got to shave this morning." Beauty is more often made than born. THERE'LL BE A IN THE TOWN When WORKSHOP Presents GEORGE M. COHAN'S Broadway Hit At Jesse Aud. Wed., April 9 FOR PRE-VACATION HILARITY! Thurs, April 10 FOR THAT STAY AT SCHOOL DURING VACATION BLUES 90c - Date Tickets Single Seats Balcony 50c 25c Central Harzfeld's NEVER KISS A GIRL UNLESS you're bored, in love, or don't have anything else to do. UNLESS your lungs are in good working order, as you may be under a long time. Practice in "being under" may be ob- tained by holding your head un- der water while swimming. Wash basins may also be used. Drink- ing glasses and finger bowls are not advised. UNLESS you have removed all ornamental articles, including monocles and spectacles. It may be a warm evening and glass melts at approximately 1500 de- grees. UNLESS you have removed all powder and lipstick with HER handkerchief. There may be a law student in the next room. UNLESS you have the permis- sion of the girl's fourth cousin and great grandmother. People still have peculiar minds. UNLESS you can come out of a clinch in a hurry. You may get a charleyhorse. UNLESS you are a strong man with a good constitution. She may be a Theta. UNLESS you are sure she won't mind it. Take a prelim- inary peck at the phone book or grand piano just to see how she likes the general idea, and- UNLESS she kisses you first, why get in there and pitch, but remember- UNLESS you don't give a hang, fill all the cracks and chinks in the logs with putty. Sinister columnists may be around. -Analyst. * The mid-year exams were near. He labored incessantly over the ominous pile of books in front of him. It was imperative that he pass these exams in order to graduate. His glorious career would be smashed if he failed. He musn't fail. His eyes were tired, but ever onward through that literary mass he plunged. The work was hard, but he must meet it and win. One book and then another soon fell onto that increasing group, flung carelessly on the floor, signifying those books that he had completed. Finally-the last book. Burn- ing eyes and aching head allied to force him to give up, but with 16 a determination that disgraced heroes, he delved deeper. The light which had grown dim through continual usage seemed to grow brighter now that the end was in view. Eagerly now, he turned page by page. Newly-found strength came upon him as he came to the last chapter. Color returned to his pallid cheeks as he reach- ed the final page-"Superman" had won again! -Medley. Nichols Brothers FLOWERS Dean's Photo Pheature Best-Dressed Woman on the Campus, Gamma Phi junior Jean McDuff, goes strong for sports clothes and approves of general Mizzou campus wear. Jean likes tweeds-and-pipe males; dislikes loud ties, "unconscious sloppiness" and people who wear hats to 8 o'clock classes instead of combing their hair. A favorite dislike is knee- length socks but she confesses that she wears 'em anyway. Considers attributes of well-dressed woman grooming, carriage, and good taste, and thinks sport clothes, inexpensive day dresses, and good accessories should be in every co-ed closet. She likes matching outfits for guys and gals -"if they're pinned." Meet the Best Dressed Man on the Campus -Bob "Halliburton" Hardin of the Phi Psi clan. Definitely clothes-minded, "Halliburton" lists tails or tux, three odd coats, two sports jackets, and no hats as a bsic wardrobe. He prefers slacks, odd coats, and wild socks in prominent display. Pet peeves in women-wear include bandan- nas, saddle shoes, and sarongs. He prefers the "sweet" sweater and skirt gals who also wear cool (!) looking blouses. He thinks clothes definitely make the man and advises the well-dressed man to wear red flannels "only when it's cold". Plaid shorts are frowned on even if it is spring. Advises Hinkson picnickers to wear " as little as possible". Showme Show Easter time is the time for eggs; the time when all the little mamma bunnies say, "Shoot the habit to me, rabbit"- if we must bring up Savitar Frolics again. And, speaking of eggs and Savitar Frolics, natcherly brings to mind M. C. BILL (Natcherly") SHOCKLEY, natch- erly. We wonder if he had to hock that shiny loving cup to pay the $25 fine levied by Pan- Hel Court? ? ? . . . Wanted: One S. A. E. pin with one red '41 Ford convertible offered as col- laterial. Driver thrown in as added attraction. Apply B. BEACHIE, 705 Kentucky. Prompt answer to advertisement will keep the Theta kite flying for BILLIE . . . B. COLLINS swung a short sentence on her measles- diagnosed-stay in the clinic hatch, when that Missouri law specifically states six days. From where we sit it looks like an acute case. . . . The judge's de- cision is in and Sig Ep BOB Mc- MAHON wins the two-year scrap against blond HANK HEIDORN for Gamma Phi FRAN- CES McCARTHY'S date book, solid . . . . "Good-Bye Broadway, Hello France" should be run in reverse to cover the Jay Show script set-up. At the present writing, we think HERBIE HERB- LIN is just the gal backstage Broadway is lookin' for after seein' the Frenchy job she did of rewriting herself into top warb- ler in "That's Your Man" We don't blame A. T. O. SPEN- CER DAKIN for looking down- at-the-mouth when friends hail him with "Hi, MRS. WHITE- HEAD" . . . . Too damned bad the Tri Delts didn't have enough old actives to put into office- LOCKRIDGE'S rise to fame was pretty swift. Who would you have picked for Vice's President? . . . Attention all female Greeks: Be sure to send lots and lots of stag bids to the Delt, D. U. and Kappa Sig houses 'cause they're definitely on the outside looking in this season-And, on the oth- er hand, let's drag a Phi Mu now and then, sorta the "If you pat my head, I'll rub your tummy" idea . . . . The Lambda Chi Ath- letic Club scores again when by unanimous consent of the Pi Kaps BILL SPENCER turned in the garnet and gold and then moved over to 600 Rollins . . . What happened to the NANCY CHAPMAN-BILL FROUG scrim- mage - not enough or too much? . . And it looks like BEE BEARMAN, Zebe, is about to fluff GINNY COLE, KKG, off his long list of fluffs . . . "To- day I yam a man" trumpeted Delt DUB YATES as he slam- med the door of "My Old Ken- tucky Home" on his twenty-first birthday . . Note found on editorial, desk: "Whatever you hear about us is true-Signed, RAY McCANSE, Sima Chi, and INDIA WEBB, Pi Phi" - not very gentlemanly, he should have let her sign first . . . We is Democrats - we want a recount on the queen candidate ballot boxes. The Capital City recount bill will about equal the govern- or's salary for two years and we bet that would about cover what the Greeks pay the queen com- mittees around here. . . . We lay two-to-one that CHRISTMAN got his sprained wrist from pat- ting himself on the back - or was it from the hearty hand- shake which closed the "we-win- the-sing-cup-again" deal ? ? ? ? . . . "Pinned week-ends with Hickman are good deals", sez Sig Ep HANK SUAREZ, who then has plenty of time to fill in with Mizzou gals during the week . . Could we recommend a long rest in a quilted room for HERBIE STORTHZ, Zebe B & PA, who cut sixty-four classes last semester? ? ? . . . "But we gotta find my nickel", squealed AMPER. Soooo, his Alphen Brau pals built a bon-fire on Mary- land and just looked and looked and looked-Anybody want to reimburse MURRAY? . . . She did, she didn't. She did. She didn't. Well, whadda you think? Did WINNIE do the WISE thing? thing? Will CHASEY? . . . It's a good thing that spring is hyar. The Heart boys were next to passing the coal bucket 'cause their alums were getting tired of footing the bill . . . "Gypsy Rose" SMAWLEY sure has the fightin' Irish back of him in Prexy REARDON and MRS. WRIGHT, but the STEWDENT legal advisor still says, Legally speakin', dey ain't got a leg to stand on" . . .And fellers, don't forget - if at first you don't succeed, TRI-DELT. Male Bait! FAIRY TALES ANALYZED Jack and the Beanstalk My dear children, today we are go- ing to analyze "Jack and the Bean- stalk." To begin with, the pauperized Jack trades the cow with which his widowed mother sent him to market for a bag of beans. This act of stu- pidity is rewarded by the beans turn- ing out to be magic beans growing into a beanstalk ladder which leads into the sky castle of a villainous giant. The next thing we know, Jack has climbed up the ladder, and sneaked into the castle where he steals many valuable things, among which is a hen that lays golden eggs. When the giant awakens and sees Jack leaving with the plunder, he chases the boy down the beanstalk, but, of course, Jack is too fast, gets down first, chops down the beanstalk, and kills the giant. The giant wasn't any good anyway, but still, Jack was avenging nothing in killing him as the giant had never stolen from, or harmed, Jack, but was merely trying to protect his prop- erty. Jack, of course, goes unpun- ished and becomes a millionaire. To summarize, "Jack and the Bean- stalk" points out that brains aren't necessary in achieving a fortune if one lacks scruples about grabbing someone else's possessions, and then is willing to hold onto them, even if murder has to be committed to do so. This is not the best thing to impress your children with, but it is rather practical. "It's the only way I can keep their attention to the front of the room!" THERE IS NO CURE! Albert Tingle Jr. was a bore. In addition to being a bore, he was a pest. Not just an ordinary pest, but a critical pest. He felt it his duty to run down every suggestion anyone in the house made. His father has a pile of dough, but ever since we pledged Tingle Jr. we're beginning to believe "that money isn't everything." When we decided to run a dance, he grumbled that even if we should have a good time, which he doubted, he didn't think it was worth the ef- fort. When we decided to enter the handball tournament, he was sure we'd put up the worst showing. It was the same with everything we attempted. We tried to change him, but it was no use. So we traded in our fire extinguisher and put up a sign in its place: In Case of Fire, Call Albert Tingle Jr. He'll come and throw a wet banket on it. * Have you heard the automobile version: Two rides make a wrong. "Pardon me, Bud, how'd you want them bananas?" Chesterfield Cigarettes THE OLD TRY I'm not writing this to gain sympa- thy. I'm just writing this to show you what can happen to a conscientious, hard-working college student. The other night I dropped in to Ten-Pin Brady's combination chiicken shack, owling alley, jelly joint and slot machine dive. Ten-Pin has got his place just off the campus so I make it my regular habitat. The first thing I did was shove a nickel into one of the fancy pin-ball machines. This machine is really fancy with lots of lights andl things that light up when you hit the right spot. The first hall I rolled out went around just right and I thought I would clip down around 17.000. but it ran into an old piece of chewing gum that some cute kid had placed under the glass cover, and it stuck there. That kind of thing burns me up, but I didn't let it get me down. I only had to bust 30,000 to win forty nickels. The next ball I rolled didn't get off to such a fine start so I had to put some weight against the board to get it to go where I wanted it to go. I dis- located a hip humping the machine but for forty nickels it is worth it. The ball hit practically e erything and gave me a nice average. After that the going was easy. The next ball I banged on its merry way lit up half the board and then rolled back to get the other half. That's what I call the old college try. The fourth ball did even better. It started out like it was going on a hike and then it fooled the lights. They never knew where it was going after it started rolling. It took everything but the blue ribbon. "That's John Devins, Jr., a freshman with senior ideas, which are going to keep him from ever becoming a sophomore." It was the fifth ball that gave me the trouble. I had to bounce off the machine eight or nine times to get it to go anywhere. After the ninth time I discovered that I had a few shat- tered ribs, but I was fighting for the highest stakes I had ever fought for. As the fifth ball rolled for the far cor- ner, I jammed up against the machine for the tenth time, but this time it did something queer. The machine turned over and the legs broke off. When I turned it right side up all the glass was shattered and a few lights were still burning. The lights up on the board that drove me nuts was the one that said, "You sap, you lost everything; you shouldn't have tilted it." That's when I went completely crazy and tried to get the money out with an old fire ax. Ain't this prison stationery punk; the Warden didn't have anything else, though. Instructor: Gwendolyn, can you tell me what a mandate is. Gwendolyn (promptly) : Yes, Miss Colgate, an appointment with a get tleman. "That Australian's the one to look out for." Spring Fever If spring fever missed you, it did hit the campus "steadies". Theta Sig ELOISE, GREEN takes "time," out to show Grad GLEN WESTOVER some Jay School trivia. . . below, the beauteous POLLY NICHOLS of Alpha Gam walks slowly to work, escorted by her basketball hero, LOREN MILLS. Spring fever kept Phi Beta Kappas RUTH RICE and MUR- RELL THOMAS out of geology lab. . . . too had, isn't it? And below, another campus couple return regretfully to the library grind . . . yes, it's MARJIE LANG and Sig Ep BILL HOL- MES. Ceasar gets a lump of sugar and Tri Delt BETY BOUTELLE's attention when that "no more studying" fever gets started. Lt. GROV- ER ASHLEY is just there to hold the horse. LANE CARLSON, Gamma Phi ex-prexy, and Sigma Delta Chi prexy DON DELANEY share a joke while on leave from the copy desk. Co-Ed Careers Want to be a private secretary? Want to be a journalist? Want to be a professional sportswoman? Or don't you know? Well, to answer these and many other questions that all campus women want to know concerning various professions, W. S. G. A. is sponsoring its second annual Co-Ed Careers conference April 16 and 17. Miss Mildred Menefee of the executive office of Inter- national Business, Inc., of St. Louis; Miss Suzan Pasley, ac- count executive of the Sam Judd Advertising Agency; and Miss Margaret Brewster, instructor of physical education at the University of Indiana are three of the outstanding panel discussion leaders. All fifteen speakers are professional women in the pro- fessional world. They can advise woman's angle and the answers to women's questions. They can advise underclass- men what major to choose and can help seniors apply for positions. Mary Frances Badger is chairman of the W. S. G. A. career board and the following girls are members: Betty Ann Luker, Bette Dene Boggs, Mary Shaw, Lois Hedrick, Vivian Scott, Doine Edith Williams, June Brumann, Billie Beachy, Anna Mae Keller, Peggy Sayward, Regina Lipcin, Patsy Curtis, nd Clarann Swartz. So come on gals, gather your "what'll I do?" problems together and take them to the Co-Ed Careers meetings at Read Hall,April 16 and 17. Read Hall April 16-17 Spring Wedding. By Ruth Herzstein "Weddings are so terribly, terribly exciting," gushed the little blond, who was the third bridesmaid from the right end. "Aren't you nervous, Christine?" "Don't talk to Christine," warned Mrs. Edwards, who was busy ordering everybody about. "She's got to look perfect, and we can't have her talking and ruining her make-up." Christine took the lipstick brush out of the make-up art- ist's hand. "Look-I've been put- ting on my own lipstick for about-Well, I won't say, but just give it to me, and I'll show you what I mean." Andre, the make-up expert, gestured in wild despair, but the wedding party was too en- grossed to worry about whether Christine was getting the lip- line to Andre's liking. The chords of the wedding march broke forth. Mrs. Ed- wards gazed in critical admira- tion. "Ah, Christine, you look lovely. But then, who wouldn't in that creation? There has never been a dress more beauti- ful." She fingered the material with the loving care of one, who knew and appreciated beautiful clothes. The bridesmaids assembled themselves in order, and Chris- tine took her place in front, blotting them all out. Mrs. Ed- wards' last warning to be care- ful of the dress lost itself in the loud notes that swelled into the dressing room through the open door. Heads bent together in the familiar hushed wedding whis- pers. "My, but isn't she beautiful?" "That gown must cost a small fortune." "Mother, that's just the kind fo dress I want. Do you think we could have it copied?" A young man remarked to the girl next to him, "Say, she's all right." "Oh, the right makeup and clothes can do wonders." Christine heard a few of the comments and smiled to her- self. She showed the dress off for all it was worth. She made it look all of two-hundred and fifty dol- lars worth. A small-dark-chic woman in a dinner gown announced in a well modulated, slightly show-off- ish voice, "Our model, Christine, is wearing our specially design- ed spring wedding gown. It is chiffon and lace. The lace sleeves and the lace around the fifteen yard skirt make this the most truly exquisite gown we have seen in many a day. Christine walked from side to side and down the center aisle. The fashion announcer stopped her sales-talk when the wedding party reached the end of the platform. A bridegroom stood by Chris- tine. No one described what he was wearing. But he looked like a bridegroom is supposed to look. "How about a date for din- ner when the show is over?" "I can't," the bride smiled back good-naturedly. "I'm go- ing to be busy tonight." "Tomorrow," he started to say, when the mock preacher in solemn tones started realistically to join them in holy matrimony. Antoine's certainly went in for realism. The store was dec- orated like a church. Brides- maids, flower girls, ring bearer and all framed the background. A battery of cameras caught the finale, and the audience laugh- ed genially at the kiss that was far from make believe. The supposedly married couple ran down the aisle in traditional fashion, and a rice attack rained down on them. "Christine," the bridegroom pleaded, "I was just about to ask you-" "No, I can't," she smiled mysteriously. "I'll tell you all about it in the morning. I have to hurry and change." The girls crowded about the bride and exclaimed. "Gosh, honey you looked beautiful. It was so real. I almost cried." "You all are so sweet. Here, help me out of this." Mrs. Edwards bustled in. "Christine, my dear, we have just sold the dress. My dear, you were lovely. So like a bride. We had three customers actually arguing over the gown. You must let me take you to dinner." "I can't tonight, Mrs. Ed- wards. I'm sorry, but thanks so much for your compliment. But I really didn't do anything. After all, it's the dress itself." "Ah, Christine has a date with her young man?" "Well, sort of," blushed Chris- tine. Mrs. Edwards left, and the girls started chattering again. "Hey, Chris-did Carl ask for a date during the show?" "Yes, he did." "Gosh, you're lucky. I think he's a dream. And say when he takes a girl out, he takes her out. Dinner, show and dancing." "You act as if you know," acidly chimed in a little red head who worked in the perfume de- partment. "Now girls, you shouldn't argue on such a happy occasion. After all, we don't have wed- dings around here everyday." "O. K. Chris, but you're silly for not dating Carl." Carl was the floor walker, and he had been chosen by Antoine carefully. They knew his tall, dark looks would thrill the young debutantes. And he had dated several of them. But he still wanted a date with the beauteous Christine. The girls left one by one. The little blond bridesmaid was the last to go. She squeezed Chris- tine's hand and gave her a know- ing look. "Bye, honey." "Listen. Tell me truthfully -how do I look?" "Swell," her friend replied. And that was about it. It didn't matter whether Christine had on an Antoine original or a simply cut print. She always looked wonderful. The bridesmaid left, and Chris- tine fussed about her makeup as carefully as before. She tilt- ed her little navy straw with the veil until she got the right angle. The colored doorman bowed her out of the store, and stood in front of the one and only fashionable Antoine's, tapping her high heeled pumps against the sidewalk. "Should I or should I not take a cab," she debated. She looked at her watch-fifteen to six-she could easily walk to her appointment on time. A cab turned the corner, and Christine nodded to the colored doorman to hail it for her. "After all," she thought, "it IS a special day." "One thousand two hundred (Continued on Page 37.) Greek Review CAUGHT DURING THEIR "ON MOMENTS", THESE SO- RORITY ROW GIRLS GIVE US CAMPUS FADS AND FASHIONS IN THE MOOD OF SPRING. The Inglenook ANN ASKREN Chi Omega PEGGY JASPER Alpha Phi MARJORIE JO CARL Kappa Alpha Theta BETTY ROME Alpha Gamma Delta DOROTHY VOLMER Gamma Phi Beta Greenspon's Columbia Ice & Cold Storage Co. KAY COYLE Alpha Chi Omega BETTY BOUCHER Pi Beta Phi RUTH SUSSMAN Phi Sigma Sigma LOIS GARY Alpha Delta Pi the novus shop VIRGINIA MERING Delta Gamma JEAN GREENMAN Alpha Epsilon Phi From the Bamboo Room a monochromatic color scheme featured in a lilac shadow plaid chambray dress with impressed pleats . . for cooler days a champagne colored hopsacking waist length jacket with bell sleeves can be worn over it. It has covered buttons of the same material as the dress. "To land" the extra special young man . . . a "navy" with lingerie trim-the dress is prin- cess lined with a small but neat pique bow at the neck. Accom- panying it is a short jacket with white lingerie revers which but- tons on to the dress. For those spring picnics along the Hinkson the Bamboo Room features a navy light flannel slack with self belt, and ample pockets worn with a double breatsted white coruroy jacket with gold buttons and a navy emblem. Captain-"Why didn't you salute me yesterday?" Private-"I didn't see you, sir." Captain-"Good, I was afraid you were mad at me." -Frivol. "When I squeeze you in my arms like this honey, something seems to snap." "Yes, pardon me a moment till I fasten it." -Texas Ranger. The Treasure Chest Sigoloffs DORN-CLONEY LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANING CO. Tax Tokens (Continued from Page 7.) coins held in neat stacks along the other. "How much is my bill now?" he asked. "Three eighty-seven," Joe said, "including a dollar for the cabin." The man took three one-dollar bills, a half-dollar, a quarter, a dime and two pennies out and laid them on the counter. He figured to himself, his lips mov- ing inaudibly. Then he laid 7 pennies more on the counter in a separate little pile to which he added a tarnished aluminum slug with a round hole in the middle and two other solid slugs. As they started out the door to go to the cabin, he picked up the paper. "Mind if I take this out to the shack and look it over?" he asked. "No, take it with you," Joe said, handing him a key. "Your cabin is number nine. You go on I just remembered I gotta call to town for hamburger buns." When Joe could hear the fel- low moving the car around to the garage he went to the phone and called the San Antonio police department: "Send about three men out to the Almo Tav- ern . . Yeah, out here on the Houston highway . . . yeah . . . yeah . . I think I have that fellow Clyde Mace from Missouri in one of my cabins . . . hell yes, I'm sober . . yeah . . he's sleeping . . . no, alone. Yeah, send about three men . . . and don't turn your sirens on when you get here, either. He's pretty tired and if anything should dis- turb him he might get sore as hell and leave in a huff." Joe hung the phone in its hook, rinsed out the cup, saucer, water glass and spoon and stood them on the drain board. He walked over and switched off the juke box. He took a de- tective magazine off the top of a four-foot stack in the corner and settled himself at the end of the bar to read. Three plain-clothes men en- tered and interrupted his read- ing. "You the fellow sent for us? the heavy one asked. "Yeah," said Joe. "Would you know him if you saw him?" "Sure;" said the heavy guy, (Continued on Page 36.) "I've got a perfect news story." "A man bit a dog?" "No, a bull threw a congress- man." --Medley. Breathes there a man with soul so dead, Who's never stopped and turned his head, and said, "Hm-m-m-m, not bad." -Mis-A-Sip. Miller's Superior Shoes H.R. Mueller Florist For daytime golf course wear Showme sugguests American Golfer dresses, in plain, striped, or checked seersucker, striped and plain chambray, and all pastel shades. Take your pick of slightly flared gored skirts or center kick pleats. If you want the finest chambrays avail- able get McMullen Classics clothes for sports. Ginghams are good again - drop down- town and try on an imported D-J Anderson gingham frock with the new patent pivot-arm- hole. See Suzannes ad in the fashion section. * One afternoon a traffic police- man at a busy corner saw an old lady beckon to him. He held up a dozen motor cars, a truck, and two cabs to get to her side. "What is it, ma'am?" he asked politely. The old lady smiled and tim- idly placed her hand on his arm. "Officer," she said in a soft voice, "I just wanted to tell you that your number is the same as the number of my favorite hymn."- -Mis-A-Sip. Real mellerdrama in the next Workshop show, "The Tavern". Portryals by Bill Shockley (with the attitude) and Robert Mansur (with Dorothy Friend). Hero's, villians and all kinds of gals . tch! tch! tch! Darkness was settling down over the picturesque Scottish Highlands, and the three young American college girls who were enjoying the view from the top of the creaking stage coach be- gan to shiver in the evening breeze. "I say!" called the driver to the passengers below, "is there a Mackintosh down there there big enough to keep three young ladies warm?" "No," came the eager voice from inside, "but therr's a Mac- Pherson doon here that's willing to try." -Mis-A-Sip. Barth's Missouri Utilities Company Suzanne's McAllister's Information Puleeze (Continued from Page 8.) Pinkney C. Walker P. C. Walker, B. & P. A. 1. Hats with veils cover a multitude of chins. 2. Styles are like an instructor's grades- based on the curve. 3. I can't see what keep girls from freez- ing, but I guess I'm not supposed to. John A. Logan J. A. Logan, Engineering. 1. My idea of a nightmare, a freshman engineer might have after working too late on descriptive geometry or integral calculus. 2. Hope they will continue the "military trend' 'and that all new clothes will be expected to give at least one year of "selective service." 3. More beautiful women per square foot in Columbia than any other place in America, making it the world's most "beauty-full" city. Robert E. Carson Sponsor of "Femme Forum". Teaches Religous Education at Stephens College Robt. Carson, Stephens. 1. So much depends on the tilt. 2. Never so bold as in the service. 3. Do not judge too harshly. Looks like everything's peachy and all set for "That's Your Man," campus political farse, from the smiles on Patty Lockridge, Jim Moseley, Director Don Campbell, and Sam Papert. "That's Your Man" and that's your Jay Show . Above, in and out of character, are Lilliam Schnerr, Dave McIntyre, Irving Feld, John Latshaw, Herbie Herblin, Paul ten Hompell, and Jack Dick-Peddie. Pepsi-Cola COSMO Round OFF THE RECORD By Bob Clark Note This bit was written by Bob especi- ally for the Theta Sig issue of Showme. Cello again! This is your old record-breaker presenting unprejud- iced, unbiased, and unbalanced re- ports of the latest recordings, be- ing impressions which filtered through sound-proof ceilings and mattresses-lined walls, and printed more as a warning than a guide. Jeeve-Jove-Jive. (Jigger Jones and His Juggernauts. Pa-6-5000). A jitterbug jubilee that makes you jump with joy (especially if you want to break the lease or the housemother's heart.) It contains an excellent solo by a riveting machine, with a washboard and boiler-ex- plosion carrying the theme. There We Go. (Harry Horsey and The Muleskinners. Columbus 1492). This is the official bridge song (leading With My Heart Again) which has beat out the poker play- ers' anthem (He's My Ante) as the sentimental ballad of the month. Bea Ware sings the solo and takes it for a ride. Better than that, she SPRINGDALE GARDENS killed it out in the open. An ex- cellent gift for a man without a victrola. The opposite side of "There We Go" is blank so you can write specific instructions. Fats For Me. (Two-Ton Sadie and Her Sadists. RPM 400). Syncopated lamentation of a fat floogie, done on a large scale. Two-Ton Sadie has a solo in the center which resembles sabotage in the DuPont factory. Not recommended for nervous wrecks. The Guy That Comes to Our House. (Burp Bawkin and His Belcheteers. Bicarbonate U.) This is the first orchestra to introduce a fog-horn solo. After listening to it, our comment is they won't be mist. The way they play this number, the guy who goes to their house should bring a fumigator. Burp says he needs more saxes. Even Saxes, Fifth Avenue, wouldn't help this prelude to a riot call. (But why does sax have to rear its ugly head?) We think this orchestra should practice Burp control. Serious Stuff This spring has brought out some excellent Beethoven, Brahms, and Bock. Schtkl's new pressing (clean- ing 20c extra) of "Bring Bock My Bonnie to Me" is beering up well, with a sales record approaching that of the immortal "Yeast Is Yeast". Francois Gaston de la Schlepp: Trio in Asia Minor for violin, cello, and deaf-mute. (Played by the Trollop Trio, originally the Ferry- boat Fugitives). Here is an opus really played in a beautifully homi- cidal delinquent minor key. The central motif, "L'Apres Midi D'Un Abbattoir," is crushing in its ef- fect, while the light fantasy on the other side, "Madame Brassiere", as played on two strings, is a bust. As it now stands, the recording has depth of feeling, depth of sound, and depth of vision. In fact, it's buried six feet deep. Madame Jeannie de la Hare Lite Brown: "Song of the Greek Throats." Madame Lite Brown sings this number like a thrushing ma- chine with a vulcanized adenoid and a back-firing tonsil. The range of voice from low F to low G and back via Peoria is a perfect com- bination of the "Drums of Doom" and a locomotive pulling out of the yards. It is devastating. Com- mencing in fortissimo, it increases in pitch until the end, when the all clear signal is given. Nothing like this has been heard since "The Ride of the Valkyrie" and "The Mating-Call of the Dying Yak" were played as a duet. (Released under the name, "I Didn't Walta Duet.") Madame Lite Brown is accom- panied during this turmoil by Vla- dislaz Horo. (Originally Horowitz, but she scared him out of his Witz.) Broom-Handle: Concerto for pi- ano, basson, and three fiddle-sticks. Played by Gosh a Mitey. Course Rec- ord: 4:03.13. Here is a musician whose Bach is worse than his bite. A member of the Masochist School, he has selected this number from Vulture's opera, "Carrion Call." (Not to be confused with "Carrion a Heavy Load, Oh, Lord," from the picture not of the same name.) To- ward the end, when Mitey takes off his gloves, he brings forth the full effervescense of the Fiddle- stick number. Remember the old musical saw, "Effervescent enough cover on the bed, your Fiddlestick out." HARRIS CAFE Towner. This time the theatres are going to offer some dandies- here are three or four of the best ones, ROAD TO ZANZIBAR with HOPE, CROSBY, and LAMOUR-It's been pretty well accepted where offered -better see it. THE BAD MAN will be here soon with Wallace Berry and Lionel Barrymore -lots of action in this picture. Then there's MEN OF BOY'S TOWN, the sequel to Boy's Town, starring SPENCER TRACY AND MICKEY ROONEY; THAT NIGHT IN RIO, with Don Ameche and Carmen Mir- anda; and WASHINGTON MEDO- DRAMA with players, Frank Mor- gan, Ann Rutherford, and John Shelton. Keep an eye on GLENN MIL- LER'S new cut - I Dream I Dwelt in Harlem . . . this Bluebird jitter- dance release is headed for star- dom. "The Band That Play's the Blues" really dishes it out in the WOODY HERMAN double plated hit, SORRENTO and BLUE FLAME . . It's really smooth. One of Artie Shaw's greatest in his new VICTOR release, DANCING IN THE DARK, a classic in the making. A Tommy Dorsey dish that's going places is BIRDS OF A FEATHER . . . this platter and DORSEY'S, new, YOU'RE DANGEROUS, are really heading for the best selling list; and, finally, if you want to carry the mood of the movie PENNY SERENADE home with you, get SAMMY KAYE'S rendition of the same. GAEBLER'S Hall Theatre Missouri Theatre RADIO ELECTRIC SHOP Tax Tokens (Continued from Page 29.) "sure, we brought his mug file -his pictures." "O.K.," Joe said, "look the guy over in cabin nine." The heavy guy looked perplex- ed. "If you're the one that call- ed," he pondered, "how come you sit here reading detective stories with a murderer out back?" "Two reasons," Joe answered. "In running a juke joint you see all kinds of people and a murd- erer is just another punk who's crossed himself up. And the oth- er reason is, I like detective stories." The heavy man shook his head and went out with the other two men. Jean came in, interrupting Joe's reading again. "Joe, Joe," she cried, her voice breathlessly strained, "what are those three fellows going over to cabin nine wtih guns for?" "There's a fellow over there they want to talk to," Joe ex- plained yawning with unconcern. "But what has he-" The three men came back through, dragging the man from cabin nine. "Is that him?" Joe asked. "Yeah," said the heavy guy, "it's him all right. He don't even bother to deny it. We'l! take him in, now. You drop around headquarters sometime this morning and make a state- ment." Twisting around, the man faced Joe. "Well," he snarled, his speech no longer drawling, but suddenly sharp. "So you tip- ped the bulls. Pretty smart, aincha? Want the Banker's As- sociation reward and all. Smart boy! Just don't let it go to your head, see? I was smart, too. But I got caught up with. How did you figure me out, anyhow?" Joe looked at him and smiled, "Oh, two or three little things. In the first place you drawled too much trying to imitate a Texan because Texans in Texas don't talk like the "Texas" peo- ple in the movies. And too, if you'd owned that car a year like you said instead of stolen it last night when you crossed the Texas border, you'd've known not to tell me to air up a spare when there wasn't any. But you made one big mistake. Texas 36 don't have a sales tax, and even if it did, you shouldn't pay it off in tax tokens from Missouri." As the door slammed behind the men, shutting the struggle on the outside, Jean took Joe's arm. "Gee," she said, "you're plenty smart, Joe. They might even put you on the force for this." "Yeah," he admitted modest- ly. "Or this publicity might boon the Alamo Tavern to where it would support a man and his wife. That is, if he had one." Life Saver Contest Winner for last month is Dick Milford 610 Providence Rd. Here's What He Gave Us I eat my peas with honey It doesn't seem just right It makes the peas taste funny But it keeps them on the knife. THE DROP INN CAFE Brown Derby Spring Wedding (Continued from Page 25.) * Commerce," she told the driver. The cab finally pulled up in front, and Christine payed him, got out, and looked around. She smiled when she recognized Bob coming down the stairs to meet her. "Gosh, Chris, I've been wait- ing since five-thirty. I thought you'd never get here." "Well, I told you it wouldn't be much before six. The wed- ding and stuff . . . you know that sort of thing takes up time." They both smiled at this. He took her arm gently, and sans music, church background, wedding party and a two-hund- red and fifty dollar dress, they walked into the office of the City Hall to get married. BLIND DATE Fine time. I'll bet. G'nite. G'nite. Slam. Wait'll I get hold of Don. -Swiped. Higbee & Hockaday Clothing Company -Photo by J. Frances Westhoff Mary Carr, Alpha Phi, Modeling a Dinner Dress of Purple Alpaca Crepe With White Lin- gerie Trim From Harzfeld's. * "What a long letter!" "Yes-sixteen pages - from Lucy." "What does she say?" "That she will tell the news when she sees me." -Mis-A-Sip. Remember those steps he was going to show me at intermis- sion? Well, we sat on 'em 'til three o'clock. -Mis-A-Sip. FIRESTONE HOME AND AUTO SUPPLY STORE LA CROSSE LUMBER CO. In a cheap little hotel where the thin parti- tions of a range of bedrooms, like the stalls of a stable, stopped half way to the ceiling, in the still watches of the night he lay awake and list- ened to the finest demonstration of plain and fancy snoring that it had ever been his fate to hear. It was full of sudden and awful variations. Sometimes strangulation seemed imminent; then in the middle of a fantasia, the agony stopped suddenly and there was silence. From a nearby stall he heard a voice exclaim wearily, "Thank God! He's dead!" A man was operated on for concussion of the brain. After removing, the brain, the doctors took it into the next room for a consultation. Meanwhile the man became impatient and left. Three years later they found him teaching at M. U. Then there was the time that Suzie took her mother's corset and didn't have guts enough to wear it. Star-Journal Publishing Co. Hotel Continental Columbia Laundry ISN'T IT STRANGE . . . -That a girl will insist upon a fel- low guessing her weight, and if he guesses correctly, she becomes angry. -That artists who insist they can't paint unless they have a north light, never wash their windows. -That people who turn on their radios and then pick up a paper and read are allowed to vote. -That if an athlete wears his "let- ter" he's showing off, and if he doesn't he's putting on an act. "My, my, so you lost your girl? What happened ?" "Oh, nothing much. I just flattered her until she was too proud to speak to me." "What makes you think you'd he lost without me?" "Your pretty map, honey; your pretty map!" Some co-eds' gowns are fitting and proper; others are just fitting. * Fred: Ethel, I'm ashamed of you. I saw that Frenchman in the hall kiss- ing you repeatedly. Why didn't you tell him to stop? Ethel: I couldn't, Fred. Fred: You couldn't? Why not? Ethel: I can't speak French. * The daughter of a noted financier threw her arms around the neck of the bridegroom-to-be. "Oh, George," she said, "dad's going to give us a check for a present!" "Good! Then we'll have the wed- ding at noon instead of two o'clock!" "But why, dear?" "The banks close at three." * "What does it feel like to be marry- ing an heiress?" "Great! Every time I kiss her, I feel as if I were clipping the coupon off a government bond." Sir Walter Raleigh Tobacco UNDAUNTED The railroad official looked up from t he application blank and said, "Have a seat, Mr. Rancke." Mr. Rancke sat down. "Now let's see," said the railroad official, "you've ap- plied for a job as a dis- patcher at one of our railway crossings. What would you do if you saw two trains rac- ing towards each other, on the same track?" "Why, I'd immediately throw the switch and send one of them on to another track," replied Mr. Rancke. "What would you do if the switch was jammed?" "I'd send a message by wire to the receivers on the two trains," answered Mr. Rancke. "What," asked the official, "if the wireless was out of order?" "I'd grab a red flag, rush out to the tracks and signal the engineers to stop." "Yes, but what if they didn't see you?" "Then, I'd call my sister," said Mr. Rancke. "Call your sister?" ex- claimed the official. "What could she possibly do?" "Nothing," smiled Mr. Rancke. "But she loves to watch railroad smash-ups." May: If a girl is pretty I suppose that prof gives her good marks? Fay: Yes, he believes in passing fancies. Attendent: Check your oil? Frosh: No, I'll take it with me. "Robinson certainly gets around, doesn't he?" THE FACTS Fred was worried. He had an exam in the morning, and he knew that no matter how much he crammed that night, he'd never really be prepared. What he needed was something to bolster up his spirits. He had heard how people worked and slaved to achieve success, but he knew he could get a fortune for a cent. He went downstairs and dropped a penny in the scale. Out came a card: "You weigh 131 pounds. You're doomed to an immediate failure." So even the scale thought he was going to flunk. He'd show them. He took off his coat, and climbed on the scale again. Out came the same card: "You weigh 131 pounds. You are doomed to an immediate failure." Now Fred was angry. He grabbed off his jacket and shoes and hopped on the scale again. Once more he re- ceived the same card. It was getting late, and though he knew he was wast- ing time that he might have used studying, he was determined. He re- moved the rest of his clothes and, stripped naked, he climbed on the scale again. He dropped in his last penny. Out came the card: "You still weigh 131 pounds. And you're still doomed to an immediate failure. You didn't think we were bulling you, did you?" The Jacqueline Shop Camel Cigarettes