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NOTES FROM A DRAFTEE'S DREAM
"Oh, that's all right, Jones. I know you were out a little
late last night and didn't have time to get your equipment
in shape. See what you can do with it next Saturday, will
"Laundry will be collected Monday and returned Tues-
"Acting corporals will purchase beer for all men dur-
ing refreshment periods."
"Don't bother cleaning your rifles, men. You'll only
get all greasy."
"All men who do not desire to participate in the coming
maneuvers will be placed on furlough during the period."
"Since you'll be getting a bonus anyway, we will allow
you to start drawing on it immediately."
"Tell a risque story to Marge and she doesn't even
"Is she sophisticated?"
The Man: I want a loaf of Mumsie's bread, a package
of Krunchies, some Goody Sanny Spread, Ole Mammy's
Lasses, Orange Pully, a pound of Aunt Annie's sugar
candy, Bitsey-Bite size.
The Clerk: Sorry. No Krunchies. How about Krinkly
Krisps, Oatsie-Toasties, Malty-Wheaties, Ricelets, or
The Man: The Wheetums, then.
The Clerk: Anything else? Tootsies, Tattery Chips,
Cheesie Weesies, Gingile Bits, Itsey Cakes, Sweetsie Too-
fums or Dramma's Doughnies?
The Man (toddling towards the meat department) : Dot
to det some meat.
"Sally has a bird-like quality about her."
"Daddy insists on keeping it there."
SOME PIPE TOBACCOS
ARE LIKE BLIND-DATES!
MAN, ESPECIALLY the pipe-smoking kind, is the
eternal optimist. With each new brand-he
expects the pipe tobacco of his dreams. Yet after
each fresh disappointment, he returns anew to
THAT'S WHY we point with pride to the thousands
of college men who started pipe smoking with a
tin of EDGEWORTH and have still to find a
smoother, mellower tobacco.
WE THINK EDGEWORTH will bring you the same
pleasure-and we'd like a chance to prove it.
WE WANT TO send you a generous sample of EDGE-
WORTH Ready-Rubbed-America's Finest Pipe
Tobacco. And here's a double guarantee to go
with it. First, EDGEWORTH is blended of the finest,
costliest leaf grown. And, second, EDGEWORTH
is specially blended to a young man's taste-
CUTE, BUT TRICKY
When they don't have anything to do on the campus
they do something else. Right now we have a fad that is
chasing itself around. This novel way of using up time
is to take your vest off without removing your coat. It can
be done. Jake Leflingwell thought he could do it.
First, Jake took all the junk out of his vest to make it
easy. He had two cans of beer, a bottle opener, a mis-
placed eyebrow, a ticket to a burlesque show, an old
prom program and a handkerchief, smeared with that cute
red stuff that girls wear, in his vest. After he got that out,
his vest just sagged on him.
Jake started out by poking his coat arm in through his
vest and while he was on his way he clipped one of the
new pledges. The pledge was out for the rest of the per-
formance. He then worked his vest back over his arm and
took all the buttons off his sleeve. After that he worked
the vest over his other arm, but in the meantime part of it
got over his face.
After that Jake grabbed his tie by mistake and nearly
strangled himself before he let go. He couldn't see, so he
ripped a couple pockets off of his new coat and then he
went to work on the lining. Jake ended up by taking
everything off but his vest. Jake's at a different institution
now. He's trying to figure out how he can get the straight
jacket off of him and on the warden.
Another time when a man likes to see a girl stick to her
knitting is when she's wearing a bathing suit.
FREE! A BOX OF LIFE SAVERS
FOR THE BEST WISECRACK!
What is the best joke that you heard on the campus this
Send it to your editor. You may wisecrack yourself into
a free prize box of Life Savers!
For the best gag submitted each month by one of the stu-
dents, there will be a free award of an attractive cellophane-
wrapped assortment of all the Life Saver flavors.
Jokes will be judged by the editors of this publication.
The right to publish any or all jokes is reserved. Decisions
of the editors will be final. The winning wisecrack will be
published the following month along with the lucky win-
Maybe a co-ed doesn't like a man's ways, but she can
always stand his means.
May: So those two conceited football players get along
June: Sure, they see "I" to "I" with each other.
She: That's not the way to dance. You started off on the
He: On my right?
She: No, on my left.
THE WHITE LINE
They took our entire class for a visit to an insane asy-
lum. Why, we still don't know. Perhaps they wanted to
show us what happens if you study too hard.
The reason we bring this up is that while we were there,
we lost our professor. Only yesterday, did we find out
what happened to him.
The professor had noticed one of the inmates painting
a white line down the middle of the floor as if it were a
roadway. He stopped the nut and asked, "What are you
The inmate whispered, "They think I'm crazy, but in a
straight line with the one I'm making, fifty yards from
the gate, under an oak tree, lies buried a pot of gold, and
I don't want to forget where it is. When you leave, get the
gold, and hire a doctor and a lawyer to get me out of
here. I'll split the remains with you."
The professor dashed out. He measured fifty yards from
the gate and found the oak tree. He began to dig. He kept
digging the entire night. In the morning, he returned,
tired and dirty, and found the inmate still painting the
"There wasn't any gold there," he shouted at the nut.
"Here, you paint for a while," replied the inmate.
"You'll have to fill out a blank if you want a job with
"An application form?"
"No, your mind."
First Boy (reading in book) : What does it mean-"The
redskin bit the dust"?
Second Boy: He was eating spinach, I guess.
"Howard was late again."
With the coming of the first
crocus and that unmistakable
"spring smell", Joe and Joseph-
ine uncorked on the Hinkson.
And we ask you, "What could
Showme has a brand new staff
this month-all feminine and
all utterly unacquainted (till
now) with what humor magazine
editors go through. The co-eds
who put out this issue are Theta
Sigma Phi's members of a pro-
fessional women's organization
in Jay School.
When we first considered tak-
ing over the April issue we
thought of Easter-spring vaca-
tion, picnics, cutting class, strip-
downs and convertibles, and new
clothes. So we decided to concoct
a mixture of spring and fashions
-just to get you in the mood
for a glorious week end.
We admit we're greenhorns
--and the first effort of a green-
horn is usually as green as the
pages of our fashion section.
But perhaps it was pride in Theta
Sig, and perhaps it was deter-
mination to show up the opposite
sex-anyway, we gave our best.
And we've enjoyed it. We did
navigate in a fog for a week and
right now we're still hoping for,
not counting on your approval.
But it's all been fun.
So if you like it, tell us, and
if you don't remember the reg-
ular staff had nothing to do
with it--except in advertising.
Editor . . . Mary Louise Huff
Features . . . Lily Ann Dickey
Fashions . Lane Carlson
Short . . . . Lois Hedrick
Contributing Author . . Rosalie
Information Please . . . Susie
Photography . . . . Nancy Clark
Humor . . Jeanne Ecroyd
Articles . . Elouise Greene
WITH ASSISTANCE OF
Vol. X April, 1941 No. 8
STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP
The Missouri Showme is published
monthly except during July and August
by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta
Chi, national professional journalism
fraternity, as the official humor and
literary publication of the University of
Missouri. Price: $1.00 per year; 15c the
single copy. Copyright 1941 by Mis-
souri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi,
original contents not to be reprinted
without permission. Permission given
all recognized exchanging college pub-
lications. Editorial and Business offices,
Room 13, Walter Williams Hall; office
of publication, Star-Journal Publishing
Co., Warrensburg, Mo. Not responsible
for unsolicited manuscripts; postage
must be enclosed for return.
I believe in
Up to a
Theta Sigma Phi-your
guest editors . . . . . . . 4
No Men Wanted . . . 5
A short story that will give you
those ten lessons you've always
Tax Tokens. . . . 6, 7
That long, short story of the
issue. It's a gooder.
Information Puleeze . 8
Easter Fashion Section . . . . 9
Eagles or Anchors? . . . 10
They're both not so bad, whadda-
Style Scoop. . . 11
You've never known style like
we know style.
Gamma Alpha Chi Style
Show Shots . . . . 12, 13
Dammed white of us, wasn't it?
Photo Pheature . . 17
Mr. and Miss Mizzou - this
spring's typically dressed campus
Showme Show . . . 18
Spring Fever . . . 23
We got it too.
Co-Ed Careers . . . 24
The why's and wherefores of
Spring Wedding . . 25
What? No shot guns?
Greeks in Review . . 26
Pick 'em while they're hot!
Round Towner . . . 34, 35
Where ya goin' tonite?
Lovers, like all people who
are blind, develop a wonderful
sense of touch.
T ALL scrawny females with
high cheekbones, horn-rim-
med glasses, and wispy hair pull-
ed up into a knot-that's what
the average person thinks of
when you mention women in
We may not admit it, but
one of the purposes of Theta
Sig is to prove to the human race
in general (and men in partic-
ular) that the above idea is
passee. And if we can't be
evidence that the female news-
hound has changed since Mr.
Hearst's hey day, we can at least
show that tactics are different.
Lady literaries have decided
it's a man's world. And it fol-
lows the best way to get along
in a man's world is to act like
a man without letting him know
it-i. e. borrow all his good pro-
fessional qualities but remain
the sweet delicate clinging vine
in his eyes.
If a girl journalist is smart
she'll contrive to cover a news
source with a man at its head.
It's surprising how much more
news a girl can get from a mas-
Prexy of Theta Sig is Betty
Supplee. She is the auburn-hair-
ed Missourian society editor and
has chosen "Pulp Magazines"
as the title for her masters
thesis. Betty comes from Bain-
bridge, N. Y.
culine than .a feminine news
channel. Though she's been
working years on a newspaper
and knows she's plenty good,
she should appear to be the
greenest of beginners, relying on
the big efficent news source to
help her fill her share of the
news columns. Note: Too much
of this may lead to complica-
The minute she gets away
from the source of information
she must undergo an immediate
Miss Frances Grinstead gets
the final headaches on Theta
Sig problems-she's the sponsor.
It's up to her to direct the Mis-
sourian's weekly feature page.
If you're a young author needing
encouragement go to her-she
can find you the best market.
metamorphosis. She dashes back
to the office with an energy not
usually found in weak, defense-
less creatures like herself. She
throws herself at a typewriter
and starts peckin', utterly obliv-
ious of the men in the office-
they'll never make more than
$10 a week. She must write a
story any man would be proud
to slap on sleezy pulp-for now
her professional qualities must
pull her through. Goo doesn't go
with the boss.
If she follows this plan and is
lucky our Jane Arden may be
doing exciting society items
twenty years after.
Honest, though, Theta Sig
does try to get "sob sisters"
ready for something besides
tears. They get together once
a week and listen to talks by
gals who made good or by profs
they need to polibick to make
grades for initiation. After this
ceremony they wear the Theta
Sig gold lintoype matrix-they
are cute tricks, too.
Betty Supplee, that red-head-
ed rage of the Missouria society
desk (don't tell any one but she
grits her teeth when she talks to
the social whirlers), has led
Theta Sig through this year. And
ask her if you don't think it's
a job dragging people from the
Ever Eat to meeting during Mon-
day afternoon jelly hours.
And now for the swan song
-we're proud to be Theta Sigs
and if you want to know us after
seeing this issue of Showme
(doubtful) drop over to Jay
School any time.
Mary Louise Huff
Lily Ann Dickey
Short Story Editor
No Men Wanted
Or How to Become an Old Maid
By Rosalie Sandoz
Girls, are numberless men trying to waste
your time? Do they insist on dragging you to
shows, dances, and parties? Do they interrupt your
studying by 'phoning you every ten minutes? Now
that spring is nearly here, do they seek to ro-
mance under the stars and on the banks of the
Hinkson? Do they bore you by repeatedly asking
you to marry them?
If men knock each other down in order to
dance with you and if your date book is complete-
ly filled for the next two months, you must be
unconsciously alluring them. The only way to
chase them away is to discover what attracts them
-and then rid yourself of that seductive char-
Perchance gossips whispers that you don't
believe in Monroe's "hands off" policy. When-
ever a man attempts to hold your hand, swat
him with an umbrella or a pocket book.
Prettily shaped legs decorated with sheer
hose and neat pumps invariably trap masculine
eyes. If men persist to stare at your legs, boy-
cott the Far East by wearing cotton stockings
and heavy, clumsy boots that hide or disfigure
If your face enchants football players, Phi
Beta Kappas, and play boys alike, change your
hair dress so that the lines of your face become
hard and angular instead of soft and sensuous.
If men continue to rave about your hair after
you cease combing and curling it, let it return to
its natural, mousey color.
Stop using rouge, lip stick, nail polish, powder,
eye brow pencil, and perfume. Break off all fing-
ernails. Let your eye brows grow out and stop
fertilizing your eye lashes. If males are still fas-
cinated by your beauty, paint purple patches on
your face and black out a couple front teeth with
Your clothes may excite campus Don Juans,
Casanovas, and Romeos. Immpersonate a bag
of barley with a robe tied around its middle. This
can easily be accomplished by ripping out hems
of skirts, adding four inches around the waist,
and lowering the waist line. Such color combina-
tions as purple, red and green or orange, pink,
and scarlet should nauseate any robust, all-power-
Maybe your conversation intrigues men. Nev-
er ask any of them questions-unless you know
they won't know the answers. Confession of ig-
norance always gives them an inferiority com-
plex--and the more inferior they feel, the faster
Whenever they begin to talk about them-
selves, change the topic to your athletic achieve-
ments. Boast about your trophies and show them
your muscular biceps. Don't permit them to
talk about their hobbies, friends, plans, grade
school honors, likes and dislikes, or studies. If
they insist, refuse to listen.
Give them advice as to how they should shine
their shoes, comb their hair, and lead their aces.
Never break an oppressive silence. Never admire a
man's profile, his smile, his neck ties, or his
receipes for cocktails-it will only add to his con-
ceit. Forget his name and confuse him with some-
one else. The less you flatter him, the less he will
return seeking flattery.
Tell your admirer every thing he says is an
obvious line-that he exaggerates and sounds in-
sincere. Don't ask for his opinion, as that's too
high a compliment to pay any man. Don't lead
him to believe he has either a sense of humor or
good common sense. If he has recently flunked
a course, praise his former professor. If he has
a physical defect, make him realize his helpless-
ness and inferiority.
Whatever you do, don't permit a man to im-
press you with his importance or to discover that
you have mutual interests. When you see him,
let him know you are distinctly uninterested by
muttering disgustedly, "Oh, so it's just YOU
Embarrass him whenever opportunity knocks
Preach at him. Cross-examine him. Be intolerant
of his short-comings. Interrupt him. Belittle him.
Act grouchy and bored. Insist on singing church
hymns off key. Wisecrack frivolously every time
he attempts to make a serious point.
Although you look repulsive and act barbar-
iously, some brave men may still seek your com-
pany because you are an outstanding dancer or
bridge player. Begin tripping over your partner's
feet and trumping his ace.
For fear a man might be interested in you
for mercenary reasons, inform him that your fath-
er is bankrupt and all your other relatives enjoy
W.P.A. If he is scientifically seeking a wife who
will produce intelligent children, refer him to your
parents who live at an institution in Fulton. Then
prove you are a direct descendant of the Jukes
If any male continues to pursue you after you
have correctly fulfilled all details, the author will
gladly refund the fifteen cents you paid for this
copy of SHOWME.
by Floyd Martin
The last party of jitterbugs left the Alamo
Tavern about four-thirty, heading back to San
Antonio. Joe wiped the rings off the top of the
bar. It was a bar at one end, complete with brass
rail; but farther down its length, revolving stools
mushroomed before it to give the respectability of
a short-order lunch counter. Seated on one of the
stools with her elbows on the counter, Jean, the
prettier of the Tavern's two hostesses, fondly
watched Joe work. After wiping the bar to a
damp slick, he moved his cloth over the lunch
counter in a circular motion to pick up the
crumbs. As he came to each of Jean's elbows he
lifted it carefully and set them back down again
after wiping the counter under them.
Finishing, he hung the cloth over the hot
plate to dry. "Think I'll go out and gage the gas
in the storage tanks, "he said to Jean.
"All right, Joe, "she smiled "and I'll run the
mop over the dance floor.
After he had gone out, Jean walked behind
the bar and got the mop out of the corner. She
began polishing the surface of the dance floor
vigorously. Suddenly, before one of the booths
lining the right side of the room, she stopped.
"Wake up, Billie, she said sharly
Sitting up, Billie fluffed her red hair. "What
the hell for," she asked crossly, "don't I ever
get a chance to rest?"
"Sure," Jean answered, " after we've helped
Joe get the place straightened up. It's almost
'"Joe, Joe, Joe!" Billie's voice rose hysterically.
"That's all I hear out of you. It that no-good
lug did all his work instead of lofing around read-
ing detective stories, maybe we could get some
Leaning the mop against a booth, Jean put
her fists on her hips and faced Billie. "Look, kid,"
she said softly, "you're all in. I know you're
tired. But look, dammit, don't say things like that
about Joe where I can hear you.
Billie got out of the booth and stood de-
fiantly before Jean. "And why cant't I?" she
asked sarcastically. "Since you and Joe got sweet
on each other you just aboabout run the place. But
lissen, baby, here's one little cookie you can't
bluff. I say Joe is a louse."
Trying to be patient, Jean explained, He's
really O.K. He works eighteen hours a day try-
ing to make this place pay out. He's honest and
decent, and smart. All he needs is a little pub-
licity and a couple of good breaks-none of which
he ever got." Jean paused and saw that Billie
wasn't interested in the explanation. "O.K.," she
went on, "think whtever you please. To you he's
a drip and a louse because he doesn't spend half
his time making passes at you. Just don't think
it out loud," she added threateningly.
Billie pushed up against Jean and they stood
tensely face to face. "The hell I won't," shouted
Billie. "You little tramp. I could probably run
Joe and the joint and all the hired help, too, if
I was willing to-"
The slap cracked sharply as Jean's open
hand closed Billie's mouth. They fought with the
purposeful silence of those who know how to
fight. When Joe walked in the front door with
his gage book, they were locked together and
each had handful the other's hair.
"Hey," Joe said crossing the floor with
lengthed stride, "break it up." After separat-
ing them, he between them. "What goes
on? Sure, we had a hard night and you're tired.
But don't crack up and to slugging. You both
better go to bed and get some rest he said.
"O.K.," Billie said, jerking loose from him.
"Let me alone. I was just going" At the door
she paused and sneered over her shoulder, "You
two would like to be alone, anyway."
Jean started after her, but Joe's heavy arm
around her shoulder held her
back." "No more of that, honey.
You're tired, too." Leading her
to the lunch counter, Joe made
her sit on one of the stools. She
watched him as he finished mop-
ping the floor. When he had fin-
ished he put the mop away.
Swiveling on the stool, Jean
asked him, "Mind if I look at
one of your magazines?"
"Help yourself," Joe smiled
at her. "They're all in a stack
over in the corner."
Sorting idly through the stack,
Jean asked him, "Why do you
read so many dectective maga-
He looked up and smiled and
then was serious. "Well," he
said, "I supposed I wanted to be
a detective once. Working on
the force pays a little better than
the Alamo Tavern does. Now I
just read for fun."
Sitting down again at the
counter, Jean thumbed through
one of the magazines. Some-
thing rattled the screen of the
open door. Joe, working behind
the bar, straightened up. He
thought maybe it was a custo-
mer. Seeing it was only the
paper, he went out and picked it
He sat on the stool next to
Jean and they spread the paper
on the counter before them.
"Look at the top of that front
page," Jean complained, "noth-
ing but the war." "Yeah," said
Joe, disinterestedly, "Let's skip
it. I seen one war-the hard
way." Together they turned the
paper over to look at the bot-
tom half of the page.
"Look," said Jean, pointing
with her finger, "there in the
middle. There's another mur-
der story for you." Joe looked.
"Sure is," he said. Then he read
aloud: "The police as yet have
no clues to the whereabouts of
Clyde Mace, Missouri desperado,
who, day before yesterday rob-
bed a bank in Maypole, Mo.,
killing its president and two tell-
ers. The Missouri State High-
way Patrol believes that Mace
has escaped from Missouri and
has come to Texas, traveling
Joe stopped reading and look-
ed up. "Say, that's something.
Nothing like that since Dilling-
er and Barrows. Wish I could
catch him," he mused. "But
Texas is a pretty big place and
I probably won't run into him."
He laughed. "Wonder how I
would know him if I did see
"Maybe his car would have
Missouri licenses on it," Jean
"Yeah, maybe," Joe nodded
absently and returned to reading
the new account.
Tires crunching on the gravel
drive drew Jean's attention. "Car
out front," she told Joe. Re-
luctantly, Joe left his story.
"What-? Oh, all right."
At the door Joe stopped.
"He's coming in." Carefully
refolding the paper, he laid it
on the counter with the head-
A man pulled open the screen
and stood in the door. "Good
mo'nin'," he said, "how a' you
all this mo'nin'?"
"Fine, fine," Joe answered
mechanically, "What can I do
" Cup of coffee an' a glass
of wahtuh," the fellow said.
The man took a long drink of
water and picked up the morn-
ing paper. Turning to the urn
Joe drew him a cup of coffee.
As Joe leaned on the coun-
ter, the man took a pint of whis-
key from his top-coat pocket. He
unscrewed the cap and raised
his head to suck twice at the
bottle's neck, but his eyes con-
tinued to shuttle back and forth
across the paper.
"That'll be ten cents," Joe
The man looked up, startled.
Then he laughed. "Ah'm sor-
ry," he said, "just readin' about
this Missouri tough invadin'
Texas. Reckon us Texans can
take care of that so't of fellah."
He laughed again, but didn't
"Tell yah what," the man
went on, "fix my cah up and
just put it all on the same bill.
An' be suah to check the ti'es
"Spare, too?" Joe asked.
The man studied absently and
then said, "Yeah, suah."
Checking the car was strictly
routine work but Joe admired
it as a machine-last year's
model and power to burn. Lift-
ing the hood, Joe checked the
oil. The motor was so hot and
fuming the oil smoke burned
his throat and eyes. The oil
was down three quarts. This
baby, thought Joe, has been dri-
Going about the servicing
mechanically, Joe watched the
highway. He couldn't get the
idea of the Missouri murderer
out of his mind. If business
got slow, he intended to sit out
front when it warmed up more
and check passing cars for a
Missouri license. The wind-
shield and headlight lenses were
rough under the chamois cloth.
Bugs were smeared on the glass
surfaces-the way they plaster
on a fast-moving car. He glanc-
ed again at the road-he would
sure like to see a car wearing
The tires needed a little air.
With the keys from the ignition
Joe opened the trunk. There
was no spare in it, and there had
not been a spare in it for a long
time. The threads on the lugs
that would have held it in place
were rusted together.
Quietly closing the trunk, Joe
locked it, returned the keys to
the ignition and went inside,
mentally adding the bill.
Jean stopped him in the door
to tell him she was going out
to her cabin to rest.
"That," said Joe, leaning
across the counter toward the
man, "will be two dollars and
sevently-seven cents plus the
dime for coffee is two-eighty-
"OK", the fellow said, but he
seemed in no hurry to leave or
to pay his bill.
"Nice car you have there," Joe
commented, "how long you had
The man looked at Joe, un-
decided about answering a bar-
tender's questions. Then he
smiled and estimated uncertain-
ly, "Oh, about a yeah now, Ah
"Nice car," repeated Joe,
"but you really have been whip-
"Yeah," the fellow agreed
and frowned a bit over the con-
tinued questioning, "yeah, al
run between Houston and, and
Corpus Christi for a- for an
"That right?" Joe inquired
solicitously. "I got cabins out
back. It's an hour's drive on in-
to San Antone. Better take one
and rest awhile. Pretty danger-
ous to drive tired."
"Yeah," the man admitted,
"it is. Ah'm wo'n out. Reckon
Ah'll just take one." The man
took a small coin purse from his
pocket and opened it showing
bills clipped on one side and
(Continued on Page 29.)
By Sue Hetherington and Nancy Clark
UNCLE "TOM" MORELOCK
I. What do you think of women's hats?
II. Of women's styles?
III. Comments . . . ?
"Uncle Tom" Morelock, prolific punster of
copy desk, got women's fashions out of his sys
once and for all this time. Famous for giving Is
F's to all female copyreaders except Mary Marg
McBride, he pitches into this aspect of the weaker
with his customary ferocity.
Women's hats are becoming
No wonder the merchants are
worried-the slack season is here
When it comes to style, men
are slaves to convention, women
to invention. (Author's note: I
suggest you cut the story here.)
Although styles are never
stable, almost every woman
wishes she could be a clothes-
horse. (Author's note: Cut here
before it is too late.)
The military motif is marching
to the front. At any rate shoe
styles are again putting milady's
toes in the draft.
Girls studying journalism or
photography should wear prints.
Style means more to women
than men. What I should say
is that style means more to
women than style means to
I haven't much patience with
a woman who tries to look dar-
ing and then dares you to look.
"Alice Blew Gown" is, I am
told, the name of a song. I had
always supposed it to be a head-
line on a fashion tragedy in the
stout department of the Dresse
Women's fashions drive me
to drink, distraction, and bank
ruptcy. I prefer bankruptcy.
Women develop poise by wear
ing those crazy fashion creation
haw they get avoirdupois is an
I do not like to slight purse
bags and other trunks, and
should discuss costume jewelry
gloves, etc., but I already feel
if I am an accessory before the
To sum it all up, a ribbon look
better in a maiden's hair than or
a soldier's blouse.
Jesse E. Wrench
Instructor in Physical
Head Football Coach
J. E. Wrench, history.
1. A great joke.
2. Never notice unless they get in my eye.
3. No comment. (Much restraint shown by interviewee.)
J. B. Wolf, history.
1. A man you can catch with a hat isn't worth having.
2. Most styles are damn foolishness. Men don't care what you wear.
3. What's inside the clothes is what counts.
Don Faurot, coach.
1. I like the new models and the constant change.
2. I also like the pretty pastel colors, or new styles in anything at all.
3. Low-cut shoes and white numerals are popular on football uniforms
E. K. Johnston, advertising.
1. The girls, in the hats, look like something that ought to be tat-
tooed on sailors.
2. As bogus as china eggs.
3. Special hate-"sunburn" powder.
8 (Continued on Page 33.)
Dr. John B.
Eagles or Anchors
This business of women's
clothes going National Defense-
minded with a vengeance, has
gotten to the point where getting
dressed in the morning is a real
problem. You don't know
whether to plug the Army, Navy,
Marines or Coast Guard, or go
around in something with no
labels and be suspected of be-
ing a saboteur, fifth columnist
or a Missouri Mata Hari!
And it's rather disconcerting
to find that the charming little
number you picked up gives you
practically no rank at all com-
pared with the general's stars
on that print in the seat next
to you. Your print makes you
out just a technical-sergeant,
whatever that is, and although
"technical" does sound rather
imposing, you just don't rate
with the brass hats. And if you
are Navy-minded, you get snub-
bed by some gal sporting a cap-
tain's insignia when she sees
you're just a bo'sn's mate's mate
or something. Other women's
clothes cause enough gnashing
of teeth without having some
little snip pull her rank on you.
There's an old saying in the
Army that "R.H.I.P."-which
translated means "Rank Has Its
Privileges"-but when women
start in with it, my bet it that
it'll change to "Rest Here in
Then there's the other prob-
lem of getting yourself com-
pletely outfitted in a dandy little
get-up that shows your yen for
great, big -e-yoo-ti-ful Navy men,
and you find your date has just
joined the Army . . . and vice
versa. Of course, you might play
safe and wear one of those
"basic" dresses, and have an ex-
tra supply of clips or insignias
that snap on in a hurry, but
it's kinda hard on a gal to be
true to the whole Army, Navy,
Marine Corps or what-have-you
all in one evening.
But the trouble doesn't end
there, because an air-minded
dress with wings and such may
get you a dirty look from the
Army's infantry, the Navy's sea-
going dogs or those Marine
landing forces who always have
"the situation well in hand".
The dressmakers haven't been
content just to let us advertise
one particular service, but have
gone in for the fine points of
the different branches of each
one, and you can't very well try
to be diplomatic and wear them
all, or they'll think you don't
know the difference.
Talk about the tough life of
a soldier or sailor! They have
all their clothing problems set-
tled for them, and just strut
around in uniform and wait for
the hearts to stop beating so
By Lois Hedrick
they can make themselves heard.
But we poor women . we can't
just wear a Red Cross cap and
veil any more and look very
feminine and demure . . . we
have to look like a surrealist
sergeant or an animated ad-
miral. We've got our own ideas
about clothes, and why on earth
do we have to take away the
pride and joy that has belonged
to man for centuries-that uni-
form business which has caused
many a woman to have heart
failure the first time she saw her
hero in civilian clothes?
Let 'em have their stars and
bars. They like 'em, and so do
we--on them. Pretty soon a uni-
form won't have any thrill at
all, what with women dusting
around with epaulets and eagles,
fancy caps and flowing capes.
Why take all the romance out
of life by having to look at some
female who doesn't eat Rye
Krispies fix herself all up like
a floating battleship, or some
hawk-nosed gal who fancies her-
self as a dashing subaltern?
Let's don't rob them of their
glory. We've always managed
before with a wel-placed ruffle
or a couple 'a dozen yards of
chiffon, and it's a lot more rest-
ful on the eye!
SNOOP (The Droop) STOOPNAGLE
(As Requested by Theta Sigma Phi)
Men's Fashions-What a divine subject to
write on this month. As you have no doubt ob-
served, men's styles are found in al-
most all of men's clothes this year.
The trend seams to be more patriotic
this spring. The government has now
added to its stock of black and white
pinstripes and herringbones, complete
lines in navy blue and olive drab.
Picture yourself in
one of these-
Are you picturing? Now as to campus Pvt. Buck
styles: The college boys have been conspicuous this
season by wearing pants. The pants, like
women's skirts, have
been getting shorter.
Now as for collars: Missouri men and Missouri
mules are still wearing 'em. Shoes have reached
a new bottom and many heels have been observed.
Pictured are a few of
the campus pedal
Now as for unmentionables; men are still wear-
ing shorts and sleeping in the lower parts of
their P. J.'s (short for pajamas. Cute, don't you
think? Or don't you think?) This accounts for
the 1/2 off sales in nightwear.
In only three circumstances are hats worn:
1. When you are a freshman; 2. when you want
to be a B. D. M. O. C. (Best dressed man on
campus); 3. when you don't use Vitalis
Now the matter of shirts;
there are shirts and there are shirts. Our males
are wearing both. For some unfathomable rea-
son sweaters in men's wear do not have the
appeal of those in women's wear.
Of course overcoats are still as useful as
ever at the stadium, day or night. Stunning new
creations for enjoyable afternoons on
the Hinkson include slit pants-
and combination overalls and swim-
ming suit. The zipper problem will
be discussed in the summer issue.
Then we come to those conspicuously
ornamentive coverings-socks. We
could express our opinion, no matter
how strong, and the socks would still
beat us. However, we might call attention to the
fact that Sunday socks are being worn on week
days. You know, the holy ones. If you call
these spats it is perfectly all right and then you
can wear them an extra two weeks or so.
And now, Mr. Esquire and Country Gentlemen, we will close with
Hyena Bros. Motto: "IF CLOTHES DON'T MAKE YOU, TRY
Smart for shopping or town
date is this beige crepe dress
modeled by Dorothy Carr, arrow
girl from Oak Park, Ill. Her
accessories are Conga Red. her
shoes saddle leather.
White silk jersey tops
off the yards and yards
of flashing red, blue,
and yellow plaid taffeta
in this "frat dance"
special. Mary Ann Sarg-
ent, Delta Gam from
University City, is the
Wilma Adams, Minneapolis,
Minn., from Stephens College
models this flimy vision of
spring loveliness. It is chiffon,
soft as a cloud, and lightly
splashed with pastel garden
Polly Nichols of Columbia swings
and sways in this La Conga frock.
A riot of color-print silk jersey tops
the white and red widely-striped
skirt. Her sandals are white satin
with bright red lacquered heels.
Isn't this the South American way?
Adele Valette, Gary, Ind., from
Stephens College pauses to draw on
her glove and show us this snappy
spring suit. It is wool and the plaid
plays up blue, gray, and rose -
her accessories are navy. Smooth,
School of Beauty Culture
Ship-shape and ready for good sailing is Maxine
McMurphy, Duncan, Miss., from Christian College. Her
nautical sport ensemble is navy gabardine with white
Footwear fashions d i v i d e
themselves this spring into two
personalities - the casual and
the feminine. The military and
naval influence has created the
desire and need for women to
wear simple, casual clothes and
easy-going shoes. You'll see them
in saddle beige, that rootin'
crisp, suntanned color that's
come out o' the west and into
On the other hand, current
events have made women more
conscious of how precious are
pretty, feminine things. Paris
Fashion and Connie Shoes simp-
ly leave you breathless, they're
so lovely! They'll make irresist-
ible clinging vines of all of us!
See Jacqueline's ad on the in-
side back cover page.
Civics Stude-"Who laid out
Phi Delt-"Nobody-it ain'
"You ain't no gentleman."
"You ain't no blond."
To Be Awarded . . .
Rilling Kooler Wave or
COLUMBIA SCHOOL OF
A pair of Brown and White
Spectator Pumps from
THE JACQUELINE SHOP
A pair of Women's Admira-
tion Costume Hose from
(These and other prizes to be
awarded in May.)
Doctor-"I'd like to have a
quart of blood for a transfusion,
can you give it?"
Frosh-"No, sir, I can only
afford a pint-I've got to shave
Beauty is more often made
THERE'LL BE A
IN THE TOWN
GEORGE M. COHAN'S
At Jesse Aud.
Wed., April 9
Thurs, April 10
FOR THAT STAY AT SCHOOL
DURING VACATION BLUES
90c - Date Tickets
Single Seats Balcony
NEVER KISS A GIRL
UNLESS you're bored, in love,
or don't have anything else to
UNLESS your lungs are in
good working order, as you may
be under a long time. Practice
in "being under" may be ob-
tained by holding your head un-
der water while swimming. Wash
basins may also be used. Drink-
ing glasses and finger bowls are
UNLESS you have removed all
ornamental articles, including
monocles and spectacles. It may
be a warm evening and glass
melts at approximately 1500 de-
UNLESS you have removed all
powder and lipstick with HER
handkerchief. There may be a
law student in the next room.
UNLESS you have the permis-
sion of the girl's fourth cousin
and great grandmother. People
still have peculiar minds.
UNLESS you can come out of
a clinch in a hurry. You may
get a charleyhorse.
UNLESS you are a strong man
with a good constitution. She
may be a Theta.
UNLESS you are sure she
won't mind it. Take a prelim-
inary peck at the phone book
or grand piano just to see how
she likes the general idea, and-
UNLESS she kisses you first,
why get in there and pitch, but
UNLESS you don't give a
hang, fill all the cracks and
chinks in the logs with putty.
Sinister columnists may be
The mid-year exams were
near. He labored incessantly over
the ominous pile of books in
front of him. It was imperative
that he pass these exams in
order to graduate. His glorious
career would be smashed if he
failed. He musn't fail.
His eyes were tired, but ever
onward through that literary
mass he plunged. The work was
hard, but he must meet it and
win. One book and then another
soon fell onto that increasing
group, flung carelessly on the
floor, signifying those books that
he had completed.
Finally-the last book. Burn-
ing eyes and aching head allied
to force him to give up, but with
a determination that disgraced
heroes, he delved deeper. The
light which had grown dim
through continual usage seemed
to grow brighter now that the
end was in view.
Eagerly now, he turned page
by page. Newly-found strength
came upon him as he came to
the last chapter. Color returned
to his pallid cheeks as he reach-
ed the final page-"Superman"
had won again!
Best-Dressed Woman on the Campus, Gamma
Phi junior Jean McDuff, goes strong for sports
clothes and approves of general Mizzou campus
wear. Jean likes tweeds-and-pipe males; dislikes
loud ties, "unconscious sloppiness" and people
who wear hats to 8 o'clock classes instead of
combing their hair. A favorite dislike is knee-
length socks but she confesses that she wears
Considers attributes of well-dressed woman
grooming, carriage, and good taste, and thinks
sport clothes, inexpensive day dresses, and good
accessories should be in every co-ed closet.
She likes matching outfits for guys and gals
-"if they're pinned."
Meet the Best Dressed Man on the Campus
-Bob "Halliburton" Hardin of the Phi Psi clan.
Definitely clothes-minded, "Halliburton" lists
tails or tux, three odd coats, two sports jackets,
and no hats as a bsic wardrobe. He prefers slacks,
odd coats, and wild socks in prominent display.
Pet peeves in women-wear include bandan-
nas, saddle shoes, and sarongs. He prefers the
"sweet" sweater and skirt gals who also wear
cool (!) looking blouses.
He thinks clothes definitely make the man
and advises the well-dressed man to wear red
flannels "only when it's cold". Plaid shorts are
frowned on even if it is spring. Advises Hinkson
picnickers to wear " as little as possible".
Easter time is the time for
eggs; the time when all the little
mamma bunnies say, "Shoot the
habit to me, rabbit"- if we
must bring up Savitar Frolics
again. And, speaking of eggs
and Savitar Frolics, natcherly
brings to mind M. C. BILL
(Natcherly") SHOCKLEY, natch-
erly. We wonder if he had to
hock that shiny loving cup to
pay the $25 fine levied by Pan-
Hel Court? ? ? . . . Wanted: One
S. A. E. pin with one red '41
Ford convertible offered as col-
laterial. Driver thrown in as
added attraction. Apply B.
BEACHIE, 705 Kentucky. Prompt
answer to advertisement will
keep the Theta kite flying for
BILLIE . . . B. COLLINS swung
a short sentence on her measles-
diagnosed-stay in the clinic
hatch, when that Missouri law
specifically states six days. From
where we sit it looks like an
acute case. . . . The judge's de-
cision is in and Sig Ep BOB Mc-
MAHON wins the two-year
scrap against blond HANK
HEIDORN for Gamma Phi FRAN-
CES McCARTHY'S date book,
solid . . . . "Good-Bye Broadway,
Hello France" should be run in
reverse to cover the Jay Show
script set-up. At the present
writing, we think HERBIE HERB-
LIN is just the gal backstage
Broadway is lookin' for after
seein' the Frenchy job she did of
rewriting herself into top warb-
ler in "That's Your Man"
We don't blame A. T. O. SPEN-
CER DAKIN for looking down-
at-the-mouth when friends hail
him with "Hi, MRS. WHITE-
HEAD" . . . . Too damned bad
the Tri Delts didn't have enough
old actives to put into office-
LOCKRIDGE'S rise to fame was
pretty swift. Who would you have
picked for Vice's President? . . .
Attention all female Greeks: Be
sure to send lots and lots of
stag bids to the Delt, D. U. and
Kappa Sig houses 'cause they're
definitely on the outside looking
in this season-And, on the oth-
er hand, let's drag a Phi Mu now
and then, sorta the "If you pat
my head, I'll rub your tummy"
idea . . . . The Lambda Chi Ath-
letic Club scores again when by
unanimous consent of the Pi
Kaps BILL SPENCER turned in
the garnet and gold and then
moved over to 600 Rollins . . .
What happened to the NANCY
CHAPMAN-BILL FROUG scrim-
mage - not enough or too
much? . . And it looks like
BEE BEARMAN, Zebe, is about
to fluff GINNY COLE, KKG, off
his long list of fluffs . . . "To-
day I yam a man" trumpeted
Delt DUB YATES as he slam-
med the door of "My Old Ken-
tucky Home" on his twenty-first
birthday . . Note found on
editorial, desk: "Whatever you
hear about us is true-Signed,
RAY McCANSE, Sima Chi, and
INDIA WEBB, Pi Phi" - not
very gentlemanly, he should have
let her sign first . . . We is
Democrats - we want a recount
on the queen candidate ballot
boxes. The Capital City recount
bill will about equal the govern-
or's salary for two years and we
bet that would about cover what
the Greeks pay the queen com-
mittees around here. . . . We
lay two-to-one that CHRISTMAN
got his sprained wrist from pat-
ting himself on the back - or
was it from the hearty hand-
shake which closed the "we-win-
the-sing-cup-again" deal ? ? ? ?
. . . "Pinned week-ends with
Hickman are good deals", sez
Sig Ep HANK SUAREZ, who
then has plenty of time to fill
in with Mizzou gals during the
week . . Could we recommend
a long rest in a quilted room
for HERBIE STORTHZ, Zebe B
& PA, who cut sixty-four classes
last semester? ? ? . . . "But we
gotta find my nickel", squealed
AMPER. Soooo, his Alphen Brau
pals built a bon-fire on Mary-
land and just looked and looked
and looked-Anybody want to
reimburse MURRAY? . . . She
did, she didn't. She did. She
didn't. Well, whadda you think?
Did WINNIE do the WISE thing?
thing? Will CHASEY? . . . It's
a good thing that spring is hyar.
The Heart boys were next to
passing the coal bucket 'cause
their alums were getting tired
of footing the bill . . . "Gypsy
Rose" SMAWLEY sure has the
fightin' Irish back of him in
Prexy REARDON and MRS.
WRIGHT, but the STEWDENT
legal advisor still says, Legally
speakin', dey ain't got a leg to
stand on" . . .And fellers, don't
forget - if at first you don't
FAIRY TALES ANALYZED
Jack and the Beanstalk
My dear children, today we are go-
ing to analyze "Jack and the Bean-
stalk." To begin with, the pauperized
Jack trades the cow with which his
widowed mother sent him to market
for a bag of beans. This act of stu-
pidity is rewarded by the beans turn-
ing out to be magic beans growing
into a beanstalk ladder which leads
into the sky castle of a villainous
The next thing we know, Jack has
climbed up the ladder, and sneaked
into the castle where he steals many
valuable things, among which is a
hen that lays golden eggs. When the
giant awakens and sees Jack leaving
with the plunder, he chases the boy
down the beanstalk, but, of course,
Jack is too fast, gets down first, chops
down the beanstalk, and kills the
The giant wasn't any good anyway,
but still, Jack was avenging nothing
in killing him as the giant had never
stolen from, or harmed, Jack, but
was merely trying to protect his prop-
erty. Jack, of course, goes unpun-
ished and becomes a millionaire.
To summarize, "Jack and the Bean-
stalk" points out that brains aren't
necessary in achieving a fortune if
one lacks scruples about grabbing
someone else's possessions, and then
is willing to hold onto them, even if
murder has to be committed to do so.
This is not the best thing to impress
your children with, but it is rather
"It's the only way I can keep their attention to the front of the room!"
THERE IS NO CURE!
Albert Tingle Jr. was a bore. In
addition to being a bore, he was a
pest. Not just an ordinary pest, but a
critical pest. He felt it his duty to run
down every suggestion anyone in the
house made. His father has a pile of
dough, but ever since we pledged
Tingle Jr. we're beginning to believe
"that money isn't everything."
When we decided to run a dance,
he grumbled that even if we should
have a good time, which he doubted,
he didn't think it was worth the ef-
fort. When we decided to enter the
handball tournament, he was sure
we'd put up the worst showing.
It was the same with everything we
attempted. We tried to change him,
but it was no use. So we traded in our
fire extinguisher and put up a sign
in its place:
In Case of Fire, Call Albert Tingle Jr.
He'll come and throw a wet
banket on it.
Have you heard the automobile
version: Two rides make a wrong.
"Pardon me, Bud, how'd you want them bananas?"
THE OLD TRY
I'm not writing this to gain sympa-
thy. I'm just writing this to show you
what can happen to a conscientious,
hard-working college student.
The other night I dropped in to
Ten-Pin Brady's combination chiicken
shack, owling alley, jelly joint and
slot machine dive. Ten-Pin has got his
place just off the campus so I make it
my regular habitat. The first thing I
did was shove a nickel into one of the
fancy pin-ball machines. This machine
is really fancy with lots of lights andl
things that light up when you hit the
The first hall I rolled out went
around just right and I thought I
would clip down around 17.000. but it
ran into an old piece of chewing gum
that some cute kid had placed under
the glass cover, and it stuck there.
That kind of thing burns me up, but I
didn't let it get me down. I only had
to bust 30,000 to win forty nickels.
The next ball I rolled didn't get off
to such a fine start so I had to put
some weight against the board to get
it to go where I wanted it to go. I dis-
located a hip humping the machine
but for forty nickels it is worth it. The
ball hit practically e erything and
gave me a nice average.
After that the going was easy. The
next ball I banged on its merry way
lit up half the board and then rolled
back to get the other half. That's
what I call the old college try. The
fourth ball did even better. It started
out like it was going on a hike and
then it fooled the lights. They never
knew where it was going after it
started rolling. It took everything but
the blue ribbon.
"That's John Devins, Jr., a freshman with senior ideas, which are going
to keep him from ever becoming a sophomore."
It was the fifth ball that gave me
the trouble. I had to bounce off the
machine eight or nine times to get it
to go anywhere. After the ninth time
I discovered that I had a few shat-
tered ribs, but I was fighting for the
highest stakes I had ever fought for.
As the fifth ball rolled for the far cor-
ner, I jammed up against the machine
for the tenth time, but this time it did
something queer. The machine turned
over and the legs broke off. When I
turned it right side up all the glass
was shattered and a few lights were
still burning. The lights up on the
board that drove me nuts was the one
"You sap, you lost everything; you
shouldn't have tilted it."
That's when I went completely
crazy and tried to get the money out
with an old fire ax.
Ain't this prison stationery punk;
the Warden didn't have anything else,
Instructor: Gwendolyn, can you
tell me what a mandate is.
Gwendolyn (promptly) : Yes, Miss
Colgate, an appointment with a get
"That Australian's the one to look out for."
If spring fever missed you,
it did hit the campus "steadies".
Theta Sig ELOISE, GREEN takes
"time," out to show Grad GLEN
WESTOVER some Jay School
trivia. . . below, the beauteous
POLLY NICHOLS of Alpha Gam
walks slowly to work, escorted
by her basketball hero, LOREN
Spring fever kept Phi Beta
Kappas RUTH RICE and MUR-
RELL THOMAS out of geology
lab. . . . too had, isn't it? And
below, another campus couple
return regretfully to the library
grind . . . yes, it's MARJIE
LANG and Sig Ep BILL HOL-
Ceasar gets a lump of sugar and Tri Delt
BETY BOUTELLE's attention when that "no
more studying" fever gets started. Lt. GROV-
ER ASHLEY is just there to hold the horse.
LANE CARLSON, Gamma Phi ex-prexy,
and Sigma Delta Chi prexy DON DELANEY
share a joke while on leave from the copy
Want to be a private secretary? Want to be a journalist?
Want to be a professional sportswoman? Or don't you know?
Well, to answer these and many other questions that all
campus women want to know concerning various professions,
W. S. G. A. is sponsoring its second annual Co-Ed Careers
conference April 16 and 17.
Miss Mildred Menefee of the executive office of Inter-
national Business, Inc., of St. Louis; Miss Suzan Pasley, ac-
count executive of the Sam Judd Advertising Agency; and Miss
Margaret Brewster, instructor of physical education at the
University of Indiana are three of the outstanding panel
All fifteen speakers are professional women in the pro-
fessional world. They can advise woman's angle and the
answers to women's questions. They can advise underclass-
men what major to choose and can help seniors apply for
Mary Frances Badger is chairman of the W. S. G. A.
career board and the following girls are members: Betty Ann
Luker, Bette Dene Boggs, Mary Shaw, Lois Hedrick, Vivian
Scott, Doine Edith Williams, June Brumann, Billie Beachy,
Anna Mae Keller, Peggy Sayward, Regina Lipcin, Patsy Curtis,
nd Clarann Swartz.
So come on gals, gather your "what'll I do?" problems
together and take them to the Co-Ed Careers meetings at
Read Hall,April 16 and 17.
Spring Wedding. By Ruth Herzstein
"Weddings are so terribly,
terribly exciting," gushed the
little blond, who was the third
bridesmaid from the right end.
"Aren't you nervous, Christine?"
"Don't talk to Christine,"
warned Mrs. Edwards, who was
busy ordering everybody about.
"She's got to look perfect, and
we can't have her talking and
ruining her make-up."
Christine took the lipstick
brush out of the make-up art-
ist's hand. "Look-I've been put-
ting on my own lipstick for
about-Well, I won't say, but
just give it to me, and I'll show
you what I mean."
Andre, the make-up expert,
gestured in wild despair, but
the wedding party was too en-
grossed to worry about whether
Christine was getting the lip-
line to Andre's liking.
The chords of the wedding
march broke forth. Mrs. Ed-
wards gazed in critical admira-
tion. "Ah, Christine, you look
lovely. But then, who wouldn't
in that creation? There has
never been a dress more beauti-
ful." She fingered the material
with the loving care of one, who
knew and appreciated beautiful
The bridesmaids assembled
themselves in order, and Chris-
tine took her place in front,
blotting them all out. Mrs. Ed-
wards' last warning to be care-
ful of the dress lost itself in the
loud notes that swelled into the
dressing room through the open
Heads bent together in the
familiar hushed wedding whis-
"My, but isn't she beautiful?"
"That gown must cost a small
"Mother, that's just the kind
fo dress I want. Do you think
we could have it copied?"
A young man remarked to the
girl next to him, "Say, she's all
"Oh, the right makeup and
clothes can do wonders."
Christine heard a few of the
comments and smiled to her-
self. She showed the dress off for
all it was worth. She made it look
all of two-hundred and fifty dol-
A small-dark-chic woman in a
dinner gown announced in a
well modulated, slightly show-off-
ish voice, "Our model, Christine,
is wearing our specially design-
ed spring wedding gown. It is
chiffon and lace. The lace
sleeves and the lace around the
fifteen yard skirt make this the
most truly exquisite gown we
have seen in many a day.
Christine walked from side to
side and down the center aisle.
The fashion announcer stopped
her sales-talk when the wedding
party reached the end of the
A bridegroom stood by Chris-
tine. No one described what he
was wearing. But he looked like
a bridegroom is supposed to look.
"How about a date for din-
ner when the show is over?"
"I can't," the bride smiled
back good-naturedly. "I'm go-
ing to be busy tonight."
"Tomorrow," he started to say,
when the mock preacher in
solemn tones started realistically
to join them in holy matrimony.
Antoine's certainly went in
for realism. The store was dec-
orated like a church. Brides-
maids, flower girls, ring bearer
and all framed the background.
A battery of cameras caught the
finale, and the audience laugh-
ed genially at the kiss that was
far from make believe. The
supposedly married couple ran
down the aisle in traditional
fashion, and a rice attack rained
down on them.
"Christine," the bridegroom
pleaded, "I was just about to ask
"No, I can't," she smiled
mysteriously. "I'll tell you all
about it in the morning. I have
to hurry and change."
The girls crowded about the
bride and exclaimed. "Gosh,
honey you looked beautiful. It
was so real. I almost cried."
"You all are so sweet. Here,
help me out of this."
Mrs. Edwards bustled in.
"Christine, my dear, we have
just sold the dress. My dear, you
were lovely. So like a bride. We
had three customers actually
arguing over the gown. You must
let me take you to dinner."
"I can't tonight, Mrs. Ed-
wards. I'm sorry, but thanks so
much for your compliment. But
I really didn't do anything. After
all, it's the dress itself."
"Ah, Christine has a date with
her young man?"
"Well, sort of," blushed Chris-
Mrs. Edwards left, and the
girls started chattering again.
"Hey, Chris-did Carl ask for
a date during the show?"
"Yes, he did."
"Gosh, you're lucky. I think
he's a dream. And say when he
takes a girl out, he takes her out.
Dinner, show and dancing."
"You act as if you know,"
acidly chimed in a little red head
who worked in the perfume de-
"Now girls, you shouldn't
argue on such a happy occasion.
After all, we don't have wed-
dings around here everyday."
"O. K. Chris, but you're silly
for not dating Carl."
Carl was the floor walker, and
he had been chosen by Antoine
carefully. They knew his tall,
dark looks would thrill the young
debutantes. And he had dated
several of them. But he still
wanted a date with the beauteous
The girls left one by one. The
little blond bridesmaid was the
last to go. She squeezed Chris-
tine's hand and gave her a know-
ing look. "Bye, honey."
"Listen. Tell me truthfully
-how do I look?"
"Swell," her friend replied.
And that was about it. It
didn't matter whether Christine
had on an Antoine original or
a simply cut print. She always
The bridesmaid left, and Chris-
tine fussed about her makeup
as carefully as before. She tilt-
ed her little navy straw with the
veil until she got the right angle.
The colored doorman bowed
her out of the store, and stood
in front of the one and only
fashionable Antoine's, tapping
her high heeled pumps against
the sidewalk. "Should I or should
I not take a cab," she debated.
She looked at her watch-fifteen
to six-she could easily walk
to her appointment on time.
A cab turned the corner, and
Christine nodded to the colored
doorman to hail it for her.
"After all," she thought, "it
IS a special day."
"One thousand two hundred
(Continued on Page 37.)
CAUGHT DURING THEIR
"ON MOMENTS", THESE SO-
RORITY ROW GIRLS GIVE US
CAMPUS FADS AND FASHIONS
IN THE MOOD OF SPRING.
MARJORIE JO CARL
Kappa Alpha Theta
Alpha Gamma Delta
Gamma Phi Beta
Columbia Ice &
Cold Storage Co.
Alpha Chi Omega
Pi Beta Phi
Phi Sigma Sigma
Alpha Delta Pi
the novus shop
Alpha Epsilon Phi
From the Bamboo Room a
monochromatic color scheme
featured in a lilac shadow plaid
chambray dress with impressed
pleats . . for cooler days a
champagne colored hopsacking
waist length jacket with bell
sleeves can be worn over it. It
has covered buttons of the same
material as the dress.
"To land" the extra special
young man . . . a "navy" with
lingerie trim-the dress is prin-
cess lined with a small but neat
pique bow at the neck. Accom-
panying it is a short jacket with
white lingerie revers which but-
tons on to the dress.
For those spring picnics along
the Hinkson the Bamboo Room
features a navy light flannel
slack with self belt, and ample
pockets worn with a double
breatsted white coruroy jacket
with gold buttons and a navy
Captain-"Why didn't you
salute me yesterday?"
Private-"I didn't see you,
Captain-"Good, I was afraid
you were mad at me."
"When I squeeze you in my
arms like this honey, something
seems to snap."
"Yes, pardon me a moment
till I fasten it."
The Treasure Chest
AND DRY CLEANING CO.
(Continued from Page 7.)
coins held in neat stacks along
the other. "How much is my bill
now?" he asked.
"Three eighty-seven," Joe
said, "including a dollar for the
The man took three one-dollar
bills, a half-dollar, a quarter, a
dime and two pennies out and
laid them on the counter. He
figured to himself, his lips mov-
ing inaudibly. Then he laid 7
pennies more on the counter in
a separate little pile to which he
added a tarnished aluminum slug
with a round hole in the middle
and two other solid slugs.
As they started out the door
to go to the cabin, he picked up
the paper. "Mind if I take this
out to the shack and look it
over?" he asked.
"No, take it with you," Joe
said, handing him a key. "Your
cabin is number nine. You go on
I just remembered I gotta call
to town for hamburger buns."
When Joe could hear the fel-
low moving the car around to
the garage he went to the phone
and called the San Antonio
police department: "Send about
three men out to the Almo Tav-
ern . . Yeah, out here on the
Houston highway . . . yeah . . .
yeah . . I think I have that
fellow Clyde Mace from Missouri
in one of my cabins . . . hell
yes, I'm sober . . yeah . . he's
sleeping . . . no, alone. Yeah,
send about three men . . . and
don't turn your sirens on when
you get here, either. He's pretty
tired and if anything should dis-
turb him he might get sore as
hell and leave in a huff."
Joe hung the phone in its
hook, rinsed out the cup, saucer,
water glass and spoon and stood
them on the drain board. He
walked over and switched off
the juke box. He took a de-
tective magazine off the top of
a four-foot stack in the corner
and settled himself at the end
of the bar to read.
Three plain-clothes men en-
tered and interrupted his read-
ing. "You the fellow sent for
us? the heavy one asked.
"Yeah," said Joe. "Would
you know him if you saw him?"
"Sure;" said the heavy guy,
(Continued on Page 36.)
"I've got a perfect news
"A man bit a dog?"
"No, a bull threw a congress-
Breathes there a man with soul
Who's never stopped and turned
his head, and said,
"Hm-m-m-m, not bad."
For daytime golf course wear
Showme sugguests American
Golfer dresses, in plain, striped,
or checked seersucker, striped
and plain chambray, and all
pastel shades. Take your pick
of slightly flared gored skirts
or center kick pleats. If you
want the finest chambrays avail-
able get McMullen Classics
clothes for sports. Ginghams
are good again - drop down-
town and try on an imported
D-J Anderson gingham frock
with the new patent pivot-arm-
hole. See Suzannes ad in the
One afternoon a traffic police-
man at a busy corner saw an
old lady beckon to him. He
held up a dozen motor cars, a
truck, and two cabs to get to
"What is it, ma'am?" he
The old lady smiled and tim-
idly placed her hand on his arm.
"Officer," she said in a soft
voice, "I just wanted to tell you
that your number is the same
as the number of my favorite
Real mellerdrama in the next
Workshop show, "The Tavern".
Portryals by Bill Shockley (with
the attitude) and Robert Mansur
(with Dorothy Friend). Hero's,
villians and all kinds of gals .
tch! tch! tch!
Darkness was settling down
over the picturesque Scottish
Highlands, and the three young
American college girls who were
enjoying the view from the top
of the creaking stage coach be-
gan to shiver in the evening
"I say!" called the driver to
the passengers below, "is there
a Mackintosh down there there
big enough to keep three young
"No," came the eager voice
from inside, "but therr's a Mac-
Pherson doon here that's willing
(Continued from Page 8.)
P. C. Walker, B. & P. A.
1. Hats with veils cover a multitude of chins.
2. Styles are like an instructor's grades-
based on the curve.
3. I can't see what keep girls from freez-
ing, but I guess I'm not supposed to.
John A. Logan
J. A. Logan, Engineering.
1. My idea of a nightmare, a freshman
engineer might have after working too
late on descriptive geometry or integral
2. Hope they will continue the "military
trend' 'and that all new clothes will be
expected to give at least one year of
3. More beautiful women per square foot in
Columbia than any other place in
America, making it the world's most
Robert E. Carson
Sponsor of "Femme
Robt. Carson, Stephens.
1. So much depends on the tilt.
2. Never so bold as in the service.
3. Do not judge too harshly.
Looks like everything's peachy and all set for "That's
Your Man," campus political farse, from the smiles on Patty
Lockridge, Jim Moseley, Director Don Campbell, and Sam
"That's Your Man" and that's your Jay Show .
Above, in and out of character, are Lilliam Schnerr, Dave
McIntyre, Irving Feld, John Latshaw, Herbie Herblin, Paul
ten Hompell, and Jack Dick-Peddie.
OFF THE RECORD
By Bob Clark
This bit was written by Bob especi-
ally for the Theta Sig issue of
Cello again! This is your old
record-breaker presenting unprejud-
iced, unbiased, and unbalanced re-
ports of the latest recordings, be-
ing impressions which filtered
through sound-proof ceilings and
mattresses-lined walls, and printed
more as a warning than a guide.
Jeeve-Jove-Jive. (Jigger Jones
and His Juggernauts. Pa-6-5000).
A jitterbug jubilee that makes you
jump with joy (especially if you
want to break the lease or the
housemother's heart.) It contains an
excellent solo by a riveting machine,
with a washboard and boiler-ex-
plosion carrying the theme.
There We Go. (Harry Horsey and
The Muleskinners. Columbus 1492).
This is the official bridge song
(leading With My Heart Again)
which has beat out the poker play-
ers' anthem (He's My Ante) as the
sentimental ballad of the month.
Bea Ware sings the solo and takes
it for a ride. Better than that, she
killed it out in the open. An ex-
cellent gift for a man without a
victrola. The opposite side of "There
We Go" is blank so you can write
Fats For Me. (Two-Ton Sadie and
Her Sadists. RPM 400). Syncopated
lamentation of a fat floogie, done
on a large scale. Two-Ton Sadie has
a solo in the center which resembles
sabotage in the DuPont factory. Not
recommended for nervous wrecks.
The Guy That Comes to Our
House. (Burp Bawkin and His
Belcheteers. Bicarbonate U.) This
is the first orchestra to introduce a
fog-horn solo. After listening to it,
our comment is they won't be mist.
The way they play this number,
the guy who goes to their house
should bring a fumigator. Burp says
he needs more saxes. Even Saxes,
Fifth Avenue, wouldn't help this
prelude to a riot call. (But why does
sax have to rear its ugly head?)
We think this orchestra should
practice Burp control.
This spring has brought out some
excellent Beethoven, Brahms, and
Bock. Schtkl's new pressing (clean-
ing 20c extra) of "Bring Bock My
Bonnie to Me" is beering up well,
with a sales record approaching
that of the immortal "Yeast Is
Francois Gaston de la Schlepp:
Trio in Asia Minor for violin, cello,
and deaf-mute. (Played by the
Trollop Trio, originally the Ferry-
boat Fugitives). Here is an opus
really played in a beautifully homi-
cidal delinquent minor key. The
central motif, "L'Apres Midi D'Un
Abbattoir," is crushing in its ef-
fect, while the light fantasy on the
other side, "Madame Brassiere", as
played on two strings, is a bust.
As it now stands, the recording has
depth of feeling, depth of sound,
and depth of vision. In fact, it's
buried six feet deep.
Madame Jeannie de la Hare Lite
Brown: "Song of the Greek
Throats." Madame Lite Brown sings
this number like a thrushing ma-
chine with a vulcanized adenoid and
a back-firing tonsil. The range of
voice from low F to low G and
back via Peoria is a perfect com-
bination of the "Drums of Doom"
and a locomotive pulling out of
the yards. It is devastating. Com-
mencing in fortissimo, it increases
in pitch until the end, when the all
clear signal is given. Nothing like
this has been heard since "The
Ride of the Valkyrie" and "The
Mating-Call of the Dying Yak" were
played as a duet. (Released under
the name, "I Didn't Walta Duet.")
Madame Lite Brown is accom-
panied during this turmoil by Vla-
dislaz Horo. (Originally Horowitz,
but she scared him out of his Witz.)
Broom-Handle: Concerto for pi-
ano, basson, and three fiddle-sticks.
Played by Gosh a Mitey. Course Rec-
ord: 4:03.13. Here is a musician
whose Bach is worse than his bite.
A member of the Masochist School,
he has selected this number from
Vulture's opera, "Carrion Call."
(Not to be confused with "Carrion
a Heavy Load, Oh, Lord," from the
picture not of the same name.) To-
ward the end, when Mitey takes
off his gloves, he brings forth the
full effervescense of the Fiddle-
stick number. Remember the old
musical saw, "Effervescent enough
cover on the bed, your Fiddlestick
This time the theatres are going
to offer some dandies- here are
three or four of the best ones,
ROAD TO ZANZIBAR with HOPE,
CROSBY, and LAMOUR-It's been
pretty well accepted where offered
-better see it. THE BAD MAN
will be here soon with Wallace
Berry and Lionel Barrymore -lots
of action in this picture. Then
there's MEN OF BOY'S TOWN, the
sequel to Boy's Town, starring
SPENCER TRACY AND MICKEY
ROONEY; THAT NIGHT IN RIO,
with Don Ameche and Carmen Mir-
anda; and WASHINGTON MEDO-
DRAMA with players, Frank Mor-
gan, Ann Rutherford, and John
Keep an eye on GLENN MIL-
LER'S new cut - I Dream I Dwelt
in Harlem . . . this Bluebird jitter-
dance release is headed for star-
dom. "The Band That Play's the
Blues" really dishes it out in the
WOODY HERMAN double plated
hit, SORRENTO and BLUE FLAME
. . It's really smooth. One of
Artie Shaw's greatest in his new
VICTOR release, DANCING IN THE
DARK, a classic in the making. A
Tommy Dorsey dish that's going
places is BIRDS OF A FEATHER
. . . this platter and DORSEY'S,
new, YOU'RE DANGEROUS, are
really heading for the best selling
list; and, finally, if you want to
carry the mood of the movie PENNY
SERENADE home with you, get
SAMMY KAYE'S rendition of the
RADIO ELECTRIC SHOP
(Continued from Page 29.)
"sure, we brought his mug file
"O.K.," Joe said, "look the
guy over in cabin nine."
The heavy guy looked perplex-
ed. "If you're the one that call-
ed," he pondered, "how come
you sit here reading detective
stories with a murderer out
"Two reasons," Joe answered.
"In running a juke joint you see
all kinds of people and a murd-
erer is just another punk who's
crossed himself up. And the oth-
er reason is, I like detective
The heavy man shook his
head and went out with the
other two men.
Jean came in, interrupting
Joe's reading again. "Joe, Joe,"
she cried, her voice breathlessly
strained, "what are those three
fellows going over to cabin nine
wtih guns for?"
"There's a fellow over there
they want to talk to," Joe ex-
plained yawning with unconcern.
"But what has he-"
The three men came back
through, dragging the man from
"Is that him?" Joe asked.
"Yeah," said the heavy guy,
"it's him all right. He don't
even bother to deny it. We'l!
take him in, now. You drop
around headquarters sometime
this morning and make a state-
Twisting around, the man
faced Joe. "Well," he snarled,
his speech no longer drawling,
but suddenly sharp. "So you tip-
ped the bulls. Pretty smart,
aincha? Want the Banker's As-
sociation reward and all. Smart
boy! Just don't let it go to your
head, see? I was smart, too. But
I got caught up with. How did
you figure me out, anyhow?"
Joe looked at him and smiled,
"Oh, two or three little things.
In the first place you drawled
too much trying to imitate a
Texan because Texans in Texas
don't talk like the "Texas" peo-
ple in the movies. And too, if
you'd owned that car a year
like you said instead of stolen
it last night when you crossed
the Texas border, you'd've known
not to tell me to air up a spare
when there wasn't any. But
you made one big mistake. Texas
don't have a sales tax, and even
if it did, you shouldn't pay it
off in tax tokens from Missouri."
As the door slammed behind
the men, shutting the struggle
on the outside, Jean took Joe's
arm. "Gee," she said, "you're
plenty smart, Joe. They might
even put you on the force for
"Yeah," he admitted modest-
ly. "Or this publicity might boon
the Alamo Tavern to where it
would support a man and his
wife. That is, if he had one."
Contest Winner for
610 Providence Rd.
Here's What He Gave Us
I eat my peas with honey
It doesn't seem just right
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the
THE DROP INN
(Continued from Page 25.)
Commerce," she told the driver.
The cab finally pulled up in
front, and Christine payed him,
got out, and looked around. She
smiled when she recognized Bob
coming down the stairs to meet
"Gosh, Chris, I've been wait-
ing since five-thirty. I thought
you'd never get here."
"Well, I told you it wouldn't
be much before six. The wed-
ding and stuff . . . you know
that sort of thing takes up
time." They both smiled at this.
He took her arm gently, and
sans music, church background,
wedding party and a two-hund-
red and fifty dollar dress, they
walked into the office of the
City Hall to get married.
Wait'll I get hold of Don.
Higbee & Hockaday
-Photo by J. Frances Westhoff
Mary Carr, Alpha Phi, Modeling a Dinner
Dress of Purple Alpaca Crepe With White Lin-
gerie Trim From Harzfeld's.
"What a long letter!"
"Yes-sixteen pages - from
"What does she say?"
"That she will tell the news
when she sees me."
Remember those steps he was
going to show me at intermis-
sion? Well, we sat on 'em 'til
FIRESTONE HOME AND AUTO SUPPLY STORE
LA CROSSE LUMBER CO.
In a cheap little hotel where the thin parti-
tions of a range of bedrooms, like the stalls of a
stable, stopped half way to the ceiling, in the
still watches of the night he lay awake and list-
ened to the finest demonstration of plain and
fancy snoring that it had ever been his fate to
hear. It was full of sudden and awful variations.
Sometimes strangulation seemed imminent; then
in the middle of a fantasia, the agony stopped
suddenly and there was silence. From a nearby
stall he heard a voice exclaim wearily, "Thank
God! He's dead!"
A man was operated on for concussion of
the brain. After removing, the brain, the doctors
took it into the next room for a consultation.
Meanwhile the man became impatient and left.
Three years later they found him teaching at
Then there was the time that Suzie took her
mother's corset and didn't have guts enough to
ISN'T IT STRANGE . . .
-That a girl will insist upon a fel-
low guessing her weight, and if he
guesses correctly, she becomes angry.
-That artists who insist they can't
paint unless they have a north light,
never wash their windows.
-That people who turn on their
radios and then pick up a paper and
read are allowed to vote.
-That if an athlete wears his "let-
ter" he's showing off, and if he
doesn't he's putting on an act.
"My, my, so you lost your girl?
What happened ?"
"Oh, nothing much. I just flattered
her until she was too proud to speak
"What makes you think you'd he
lost without me?"
"Your pretty map, honey; your
Some co-eds' gowns are fitting and
proper; others are just fitting.
Fred: Ethel, I'm ashamed of you. I
saw that Frenchman in the hall kiss-
ing you repeatedly. Why didn't you
tell him to stop?
Ethel: I couldn't, Fred.
Fred: You couldn't? Why not?
Ethel: I can't speak French.
The daughter of a noted financier
threw her arms around the neck of the
bridegroom-to-be. "Oh, George," she
said, "dad's going to give us a check
for a present!"
"Good! Then we'll have the wed-
ding at noon instead of two o'clock!"
"But why, dear?"
"The banks close at three."
"What does it feel like to be marry-
ing an heiress?"
"Great! Every time I kiss her, I feel
as if I were clipping the coupon off a
The railroad official looked
up from t he application
blank and said, "Have a seat,
Mr. Rancke sat down.
"Now let's see," said the
railroad official, "you've ap-
plied for a job as a dis-
patcher at one of our railway
crossings. What would you
do if you saw two trains rac-
ing towards each other, on
the same track?"
"Why, I'd immediately
throw the switch and send
one of them on to another
track," replied Mr. Rancke.
"What would you do if the
switch was jammed?"
"I'd send a message by
wire to the receivers on the
two trains," answered Mr.
"What," asked the official,
"if the wireless was out of
"I'd grab a red flag, rush
out to the tracks and signal
the engineers to stop."
"Yes, but what if they
didn't see you?"
"Then, I'd call my sister,"
said Mr. Rancke.
"Call your sister?" ex-
claimed the official. "What
could she possibly do?"
"Nothing," smiled Mr.
Rancke. "But she loves to
watch railroad smash-ups."
May: If a girl is pretty I suppose
that prof gives her good marks?
Fay: Yes, he believes in passing
Attendent: Check your oil?
Frosh: No, I'll take it with me.
"Robinson certainly gets around, doesn't he?"
Fred was worried. He had an exam
in the morning, and he knew that no
matter how much he crammed that
night, he'd never really be prepared.
What he needed was something to
bolster up his spirits. He had heard
how people worked and slaved to
achieve success, but he knew he could
get a fortune for a cent.
He went downstairs and dropped a
penny in the scale. Out came a card:
"You weigh 131 pounds. You're
doomed to an immediate failure."
So even the scale thought he was
going to flunk. He'd show them. He
took off his coat, and climbed on the
scale again. Out came the same card:
"You weigh 131 pounds. You are
doomed to an immediate failure."
Now Fred was angry. He grabbed
off his jacket and shoes and hopped
on the scale again. Once more he re-
ceived the same card. It was getting
late, and though he knew he was wast-
ing time that he might have used
studying, he was determined. He re-
moved the rest of his clothes and,
stripped naked, he climbed on the
scale again. He dropped in his last
penny. Out came the card:
"You still weigh 131 pounds. And
you're still doomed to an immediate
failure. You didn't think we were
bulling you, did you?"
The Jacqueline Shop