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Missouri
Showme
"The Biggest of the Six"
10 Cents
10 Cents
Chesterfield
Cigarettes
The Campus
Magazine
Showme
SHOWME STAFF
J. V. CONNELLY, Godfather
DAVE AHERNE-...-------........----------........---- --......-.... Editor
HARVEY WALTERS-....---.-......--....--.....--Business Manager
GARTH SALISBURY.......----...........-...-- --- Exchange Editor
BILL FROUG---.....-..-........--............---. Circulation Manager
PATTY STUMP--.......................-- -- .........---- .. OfficeManager
EDITORIAL
John Robling
Pauline Shannon
Bill Emerson
Elizabeth Toomey
Bea Thrapp
Bob Fross
Irv Farbman
George Kentera
Bud Terry
ADVERTISING
Norman Stark Lon Amick
PHOTOGRAPHY
Herb Wolcott, Jr., Editor
Charles Francis
Madolyn McFarland
ART
Dave Hornoday
Carroll Brown
Jack Dick-Peddie
Bill McAdam
Morton Walker
SECRETARY, Molly Phelps
If you don't have a subscrip-
tion, buy SHOWME at:
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Gaebler's
Bing's Fountain
Greyhound Coffee Shop
Topic Delicatessen
Ever Eat
Livingston's Market
Stephen's College Shop
Navy Barracks
Harris' Cafe
University Book Store
. . and send a copy home or
to that guy in the army.
STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP
The Missouri Showme is published
monthly except July and August by the
Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi.
national professional journalism fra-
ternity, as the official humor and liter-
ary publication of the University of
Missouri. Price .90 per year; 10c the
single copy. Copyright 1942 by Mis-
souri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Per-
mission to reprint given all recognized
exchanging college publications. Ed-
itorial and Business offices, Walter
Williams Hall; office of publication,
Star-Journal Publishing Co., Warrens- *
burg, Mo. Not responsible for unsolicited
omanuscripts postage must be enclosed Cover by Morton Walker
1
THIS MONTH
Tribute ...............................
Around the Columns ..............
Polo .......................................
Sailor Styles ........................
Up There ............................
Night At The Dale ................
And He Doesn't Eat Wheaties
Barnwarmin' .........................
Bengal Basketeers .................
The Bandwagon .....................
GREYHOUND
COFFEE SHOP
RECORDS
for
CHRISTMAS
Mueller's
VIRGINIA CAFE
First and second place winners in the Show me Subscription drive, Rhode Esterley and Vicki
Evans pick out their prizes from Harzfeld manager, L. F. Van Coutren. Rhode, Delta Gam, won first
place with 29 subscription sales and Vicki, Pi Phi, sold 25 to take second place in the Showme contest.
2
TRIBUTE
N.Y. World Telegram, Oct. 30-Maurice (Red) Wade, be-
lieved hopelessly crippled by a bone disease at the age of 13, but
who became one of Missouri's touchdown trio in the 1941 football
season is quitting the game.
Coach Don Faurot said tonight Wade had been handicapped
this year by injuries and was giving up college football.
Red was a boy in Mountain Grove, Mo., when physicians look-
ed at his swollen leg and said he would always be a cripple. Red
didn't surrender that easily-and four operations later he joined
the hobble class, with a leg brace. Then came crutches, without a
brace. By 1935 he was playing first-rate high school football.
(ED. NOTE: The above story appeared in the New York World
Telegram on Oct. 30. Red Wade, Tiger ace, received the follow-
ing letter with the clipping enclosed.)
Mr. Maurice Wade
University of Missouri
Columbia, Mo.
Dear Mr. Wade:
The enclosed clipping from the N. Y. Telegram of October
30 may be one you will want for your scrapbook.
I saw you play here in New York a year or so ago, against
New York University. I happened to have played on the Yale foot-
ball team in 1911 and knew Mal Stevens who coached N. Y. U.,
very well.
When I last saw Stevens in New Haven, we were talking
about you and I decided you were the fastest redhead I had ever
seen in the Yankee Stadium. I know, because my own hair used
to be red.
I congratulate you for the wonderful comeback you made.
I also congratulate you for giving up the game under such circum-
stances as you have been through physically. However, may I say
keep pitching, touch all the bases, and hit them when they're over.
This letter to you is from a total stranger, so don't think
it is too unusual.
(Signed)
Sincerely,
James A. Reilly,
Lieut.-Col., Air Corps.
H.R. Mueller
Florist
LAUNDRY. CLEANING
LAUNDRY... CLEANING
Harzfeld's
Around The Columns
Do you know, dear reader,
that Hitler might eventually
force SHOWME to suspend
publication? Do you know that
you might be deprived of relax-
ing with a copy ten months out
of each year if he isn't bounced,
beaten, trounced and routed?
It's a fact.
We're here to say, however,
that he'll have a devil of a time
doing it. Because one of SHOW-
ME'S aims is humor and Adolph
has the effect of stimulating
humor despite his bombings,
liquidations, mass executions,
starvations, and the heartbreak-
ing consequences they have.
Around the columns of old
Missouri they tell numerous tales
the little drip himself inspired.
If you have any favorites, send
them in and we will be glad to
give the Fuehrer more free pub-
licity.
CONQUEROR
After the fall of France Hitler
triumphantly entered Paris and
went naturally to the tomb of
Napoleon. Standing before it in
what he fashioned a pose of dig-
nity and victory he gave a Heil
and said, "Napoleon, before you
stands the conqueror of Europe."
A ghostly voice from the tomb
asked, "Have you conquered
England?"
"Well, not yet," Adolf said.
"Come on down, then," said
the voice, "and take a slab be-
side mine."
POLITICAL SCIENCE
"Let me have an egg" a wo-
man in an occupied, formerly
prosperous city, said to a clerk in
a grocery store.
"Don't have any," he said.
"Then give me a cube of but-
ter and a slice of bacon," she
said.
"Don't have any," he answer-
ed.
"Well, then, give me a half
dozen oranges."
"Look here," the clerk said,
"are you here to buy something
or talk politics."
TO THE VICTOR
A wife of a member of the
Nazi high command was telling
a friend about the various things
she got as a result of Nazi con-
quests.
"From Paris, a stunning
gown; from Chechoslovakia, a
beautiful pair of shoes; from
Norway, a priceless set of glass-
ware--"'
"And what did you get from
Russia?" her friend asked.
"From Russia," she sighed, "I
got my widow's veil."
GETTING THE DOPE
To determine the real attitude
of the people, Hitler had his
mustache shaved off and wander-
ed about a large city. He drifted
into a moving-picture theater
where a newsreel was showing
him making a speech. The entire
audience stood at attention and
gave the Nazi salute.
Hitler sat pleased and smiling
at the demonstration. The man
next to him leaned over and
whispered excitedly: "For good-
ness sakes, man stand up and
salute. We feel the same way you
do but there's no use looking for
trouble."
THE TIP OFF
Adolph sought out a spiritual-
(Continued on page 6)
5
Around the Columns
(Continued from page 5)
ist to get him in touch with the
spirit of Moses. When contact
had been established Adolf said,
"I'm the Fuehrer of Germany. I
want to know just how you went
about parting the waters of the
Red Sea."
"It was a chinch," Moses said,
I did it with my little rod."
"Ah, said Adolf, "and where
is your little rod?"
Moses answered, "In the
British Museum."
THE CLUE
A Gestapo man overheard two
Germans denouncing the Nazi
system. He burst in on them, say-
ing, "What do you mean, 'filthy
country?' You know the penalty
for that kind of talk."
"You're wrong," one of them
said, "we wern't talking about
Germany at all."
"You weren't, eh?" said Fritz
Gestapo, "Well what nation
were you talking about when you
said 'filthy country'?"
Adolf and Gobbels were cir-
culating around incognito at-
tempting to find out just what the
current attitude of the people
was. Driving through a village
they ran over and killed a dog
in front of an inn.
"Ach," said the Fuehrer, "take
the dog to the inn heeper and
pay him well for his loss."
Gobbels dragged himself and
the dog into the inn and return-
ed shortly laden with packages
and bottles of wine.
"What makes," said Adolpf.
6
"I went into the inn," Adolf's
heavyweight related, and said
"Heil Hitler, the dog is dead. All
of the people started shouting
gleefully and gave me everything
in the place."
Father: Your new little brother
has arrived.
Very Modern Child: Where'd he
come from?
Father: From a far-away country.
Very Modern Child: Another
damned alien.
-Southern California Wampus
-0-
LOVE-GAME
When Vassar went to Harvard
And football was debated,
The sturdy sons of Harvard
Were very much elated,
But, when the game got started,
Although no dame was scolding,
Each scrimmage brough fair Harvard
A penalty for "holding".
-Edgar Daniel Kramer
-0--
"I've been misbehaving and my
conscience is troubling me."
"I see. And since I'm a psychi-
atrist you want something to
strengthen your will power?"
"No, something to weaken my
conscience."
HANGOVER
My current observation
on my last infatuation,
is that "Cupid"
rhymes with "stupid"!
They had been sitting in the
swing in the moonlight alone. No
word broke the stillness for half
an hour until-
"Surpose you had money," she
said, "what would you do?"
He threw out his chest, in all the
glory of young manihood. "I'd trav-
el."
He felt her warm, young hand
slide into his. When he looked up
she was gone.
In his hand was a nickel.
-Princeton Tiger.
---
I was charmed by the look in her
eye,
By her nightingale voice I was
smitten,
And her beautiful figure, oh my!
By her glorius hair I was bitten.
She's really the charmingest girl, sir.
In her arms any man would find
bliss.
But what struck me mostly about
her
Was her hand when I started to
kiss. -Widow.
-0-
Senior: "What's all the hurry?"
Frosh: "I just bought a textbook
and I'm trying to get to class before
the next edition comes out."
"Heads, I stay out here and get we t. Tails, I go in and get soaked."
Polo
At Missouri
Si Topping, a member of the "B" string, sneaks up on
hat elusive little white pellet to try what the men in the
*rade call an offside back shot. It looks as if Si is more in-
terested in watching the cameraman than keeping his eye on
the ball. But then again, this isn't golf, is it?
All lined up for the start of the second at Hialeah. From
left to right the lads are Bob White, and Ohio Stater who
managed to sneak into focus; Foy Crawford, the referee; and
the Missouri foursome of Jack Ridge, Dick Crane, Paul Black,
and Dick Birk. A moment later a near riot occurred when
some practical joker shouted: "Hiyo, Silver." It seems the
horses had been to the Boone recently.
Diminutive Dale Hamilton, Wisconsin's
gift to the R. O. T. C. at the state U.,
tries what has been described as an off-
side forward shot. This is the same type of
play which cost Bob Steuber a touchdown
at the Oklahoma game. The horse is
anonymous.
Action in the Missouri-Ohio State polo game on Crowder Field, a pretty popu-
lar place even when polo season is over. In this scene, Missouri's Dick Birk (in
striped shirt) crooks Bob White of Ohio, as the latter attempts to hit the ball.
This type of crooking has no connection with the more mercenary kind. These
boys all are amateurs.
Dick Crane (right) Missouri No. 2 man, drives his way
through for a goal. The ball has just passed between the goal
posts. The object of the game, of course, is to do just that
little thing as often as one can.
An Ohio State man has just done what occasionally hap-
pens to the best of us. He has just missed a neck shot (a horse's
neck). The lad coming up fast is Dick Crane.
Here is a bit of classy team play which is one of the
prettiest sights in polo (aside from that little blonde on the
fender of that convertible on the sidelines). Paul Black, Mis-
souri's No. 3 man, forwards the pellet to Ernie Ernst, Tiger No.
2, while going full blast. There is no record of what Ernst did
with the ball after he got it--but he did.
The boys make arrangements to meet at the Shack after
the ball game. The blonde on the convertible's fender has just
gone inside. The lads talking things over are left to right:
Dick Birk, Missouri; Ralph Chadwick of the Buckeyes; Paul
Black, Missouri; and Bob White of the Buckeyes. Nice day
isn't it-if it hadn't rained Ohio State goals.
Names Only...
No. Not "names only"-these
are the SHOWME advertisers.
These names make this magazine
possible. Without them this
SHOWME would not be In your
hands-that's why this message
is brought to you.
A simple, "I saw your ad in
SHOWME" to these merchants
will bring better SHOWME to
yourself. The success of your
campus magazine rests with you.
Simply say, "I saw your ad in
SHOWME."
SAILOR STYLES
Since the last count shows there are 2,211 ways
for the cops to be worn, we've decided to list seven
of the possible angles of the always jaunty head
adornments.
A carefully prepared survey-taken among the
girls who know sailors best--has given us the basis for
suggestions as to the type of gob who will wear each
hot.
(The Showme, however, hereby absolves itself from
any and all situations arising from any co-ed attempt-
ing to use these suggestions as a basis for judgment
of various sailors.)
The "come - what - may"
cap, although the best for
protection, is apt to be con-
sidered out of bounds by
the commanding officer.
Saucy sailor can meet any
emergency, including in-
discriminate birds.
The hat-of-the-month club
nominates this model for
top honors. It is styled for
the casual effect and is
usually seen between eleven
and one o'clock on Satur-
day nights.
Designed by the Uptown
Society of the Naval Train-
ing School to meet the soot
suit trend Some sailors say
it's here to stay.
There's one in every crowd but the
wearer of this topper is usually the
one you stay away from. This tilt is
also good during storms . . . on or off
the ship.
The turned up brim of-
fers a neat gutter and thus
protection from the rain.
Style also worn slightly
forward in the manner of
a jockey.
Actualy a female-inspired
creation. At least the man
who wears it inspires the
females. The over the eye-
brow effect also lends a
reverse Veronica Lake
touch.
This style is particularly
good for the man with the
receding hairline. Not only
does it cover any bald ten-
dencies but it also keeps the
heat of the noon-day sun
off the exhausted sailor.
Up There
By Stan Goodman
I don't think I ever knew
what a rugged individualist
could be until I came to my
Uncle Ephriam's farm to recup-
erate after my escape at sea. I
had been torpedoed aboard one
of the convoy freighters to Eng-
land, had been rescued after a
long swim in the icy sea and
had come out of the hospital in
Boston after two weeks under
instructions to rest up for a
month or so before I could re-
port again for sea service. So I
had come to my uncle's farm
down in New Hampshire.
I last remembered my uncle
as a cantakerous cuss when I
visited his place as a boy. I found
that my childhood recollections
did not send me astray. He was
still cantankerous, he was an old
cuss, and he had the darndest
attitudes and ideas I ever heard
of. But I won't say he was crazy
-no, I won't say it. I don't dare
after what I saw last night a-
round Polaris.
When I walked up to the old
farmhouse from the road with
my satchel in my hand, I saw
no one. The old but well-built
house, the prosperous looking
grounds, impressed me; they
looked solid and substantial. But
there was no one in sight. From
somewhere there came the
sound of hammering, and I
walked around the house to see.
Sure enough, Uncle Eph was
there, standing on top of a step-
ladder leaning against a gleam-
ing silvery airplane tacking
weather-stripping across the
edges of the glass-enclosed cab-
in. It was when I noticed that
the ship was marked with the
swastika and the Maltese cross
of the German Empire, and was
in fact a big Nazi bomber, that
I dropped my grip and stood
staring.
"Close yer mouth, yer catch-
ing flies," snapped my uncle's
sharp voice; "ain't yer never
seen an airyplane before?"
"But it's a Nazi plane," I
protested, "and what are you
doing with it?"
Uncle stopped his hammering
for an instant, and gave me a
glance of disapproval. He shot a
stream of tobacco juice towards
the ground, shifted his quid and
snapped:
"No, it ain't a Nazi plane-
it used to be, and that's a dif-
ference for a fact. It's my plane
now, and I'll do what I dang-
well please with it, no thanks
to you."
I walked over to it, and look-
ed at it. It was in very good con-
dition. My uncle finished his
hammering and got down. He
came up to me wiping his hands
on a piece; of rag.
"Purty, ain't she?" he said.
"One of the planes, that bombed
Canada last week. Run out of
gas and come down neat as a
whistle right here on my land."
"What happened to the
crew?" I asked.
Uncle's eyes twinkled and he
spat another stream of tobacco.
"Shot 'em. Ain't nobody can
trespass on my land without per-
mission." He chewed some more
and then went on: "Waited for
'em all to step out; it was early
morning and they scared hell
out of my chickens. I plugged
'em from the the back window
with my old bear-rifle. Didn't
waste a shot, one, two, three,
four, just like that." He spat
four times in succession.
The old codger's eyes were
perfect. Damm it, I could well
believe he did that. "What did
you do with the bodies?"
"What did yer think I'd do
with 'em?" he snapped peevishly.
"I buried 'em behind the barn;
I ain't no cannibal, I ain't."
Before I could say more, he
started walking briskly towards
the house. "Come on in and get
a bite to eat. Reckon you must
be hungry."
I followed him into the house.
His housekeeper, a deaf old
maid probably as old as he was,
nodded once at me and showed
me to a room. I washed up and
came down. Uncle hadn't wait-
ed, for he was already shovelling
up his fare with gusto. The man
was in great shape for his age.
After eating a bit, I asked
another question that had come
to me, "Didn't anyone object to
your keeping the plane?"
"Some did," he said; "didn't
do 'em no good though."
"But you can't fly," I said.
"You never flew a plane in your
life."
He finished his plate before
answering that. Then he leaned
back and pulled out his corn-cob
pipe.
"Who taught Wilbur Wright
to fly?" he asked. "Answer me
that."
I couldn't, and he went on:
"I ain't no dumber than young
Wright. I got books, I can read,
I can see, and I can think better
than most. Heck, of course I can
fly that contraption. Lessons is
for niddle-noodles."'
"Where are you going to fly
it?" I asked.
"Gol durn, you're the most
inquisitive, askinest young cuss,
ain't yer? But I suppose you
would be, being as how you're
one of my own kinfolk. Well,
I'll tell yer since yer ask. I'm
a-going to fly it up to the sky
and see what's going on up
there."
I gasped and nearly choked
on my food. "What! What do
you mean 'the sky'? You can't
it isn't possible."
Uncle's eyes twinkled and he
shook his head sadly. "Yer just
as befuddled as all the rest ,ain't
yer? Never used yer head fer
anything but a hat rock. I sup-
pose yer believe I can't fly up
as far I plumb like?"
I finished my food before re-
plying. Then I pushed my chair
away determined to find out
what the old goat had in his
head.
"No, you can't," I shot at
him. "After about 20 miles you
won't find enough air to support
the plane. There isn't any air
a thousand miles up and there
isn't anything to fly to nearer
than two hundred thousand
miles."
That didn't phase him a bit.
"Rubbish," he snapped. "Fid-
dle-faddle! Have you ever been
twenty miles up?"
"No," I snapped, "and neither
were you!"
"Neither was anyone else,
young man!" he barked back.
"So don't you believe all that
some smartaleck tells you. And
there ain't been no one a thou-
sand miles up either to say there
wasn't any air, and no one ever
measured anything up in the
sky."
"Yes, they have," I shouted.
"Astronomers have measured
everything."
"Astronomers!" he yelped.
"Do you know any? No, you
don't. And I don't either. And
none of 'em has been up there
to find out and none of 'em in-
tends to go up there to find out.
Astronomers! Bah! Humbugs!"
"They proved it by telescopes
and cameras and mathematics,"
I retorted in defense of astron-
omy.
"They proved the earth was
flat five hundred years ago, and
it didn't prove nothing. Don't
talk mathematics to me, youngs-
ter. Figgers is something that
scallywags think up to fool hon-
est folks. Can you figger an
orbit or reckon the distance of a
star?"
"No, I'm not that educated,"
I said.
"And neither is anyone else,
because it can't be done. There
ain't no. orbits and stars is all
the same distance."
"What," I shouted. "How can
that be?"
"Why can't it be?" Uncle Eph
came back. "They taught you
all yer life a pack of lies until
you can't see the forest for the
trees. Why should the stars be
different distances away? Why
shouldn't they all be the same
distance, only different sizes?
For years those smart alecks has
been hoodwinking the public
with fantastic nonsense just to
get the yokels to keep 'em in
food and clothing. Every time
folks get to thinking about why
they should keep on endowing
colleges and observatories, the
old buzzards get together and
come out with some new planet
or dizzy idea, or maybe they
stretch the universe a few tril-
lion miles or a fourth dimension
and befuddle the people that
way. Poppycock! They got the
people so befuddled and fooled
they can't think straight worth
shucks. But they ain't got me
fooled, not for one minute they
ain't."
"But it's logical and scien-
tific," I answered weakly.
"Fiddle-faddle," he barked.
He took a puff on his pipe.
"That plane out there. That's
logical and scientific. But this
astronomy-why it don't make
sense. Every hundred years they
admit that what they thought
was so last century ain't so this
century. That right, young fel-
ler?"
"Yes, but science improves
and they discard old ideas."
"Improves! Now that's a
laugh! You mean they think
up wilder ideas to keep the peo-
ple fooled. Looky here-what's
less fantastic, to think the uni-
verse is a finite infinity bent
around in a fourth dimension
no one can figure out, all full
of billions of suns bustin' up
atomically, whatever that means,
and dozens of planets all whirl-
in' around criss-crossing each
other while the whole shebang
goes rushing through a lot. of
empty nothingness at crazy
speeds like a hundred miles a
second maybe; or to think that
the sky is just a land surface
like a common-sense ceiling a
few hundred miles up and the
stars are just lights of houses
(Continued on page 19)
13
A Night at the Dale
By Bill McAdam
CHARACTERS: The couple trying to enjoy a
steak who keep getting elbows and glasses stuck
in their ribs. The Pi Phi who yells "hellooo---eee"
at all her Sigma Nu friends. The pathetic fellow
who is drinking milk, at the advice of his doctor.
The guy with the new joke!
The Sig Alf in short pants. The girl who makes
a mad dash for the room at the head of the stairs
every couple of minutes. The boys who leave the
other door at the head of the stairs open. The Ste-
phens girl who is having one helluva good time
since it's so seldom that she dares come out here.
The pledge who is really quite drunk, but try-
ing to hide it from his older fraternity brothers
who seem to be all over the place. The Kappa who
keeps the air blue with stories. The Theata pledge
who nervously asks the time every other minute,
(one more last minute and she goes before the
disciplinary board!) The table of med students
who sing dirty songs.
The B.M.O.C. who can't wait for service and
yells "George!" loud.y enough to stop a freight.
The Delta Gam who wants to go on the midnite
Choo-Choo to McBairie and is trying to organize
a party. The girl zealously guarding her date's
fifth of Scotch while he gets a set-up from the
kitchen.
The The Sigma Chi who looks as if he hasn't
slept in weeks. The old grads who are just up from
Ft. Sill for the weekend and losing no time in
catching up on their favorite college sport . . .
drinking. The gruesome twosome in the corner
trying to make conversation on this, their first
date. The boys arguing the relative merits of the
Jay School against the B & P A.
The girl with the sexy mouth-knows it-and
insists upon making it up pubically. The bag who
wishes she looked sexy. The pledge who is sure
she'll be queen of something this year, and dis-
plays a grin reminiscent of Buggs Bunny. The pin-
ned couple, quietly having words and trying not
to show it.
The girl with the "glammerous" sun tan, left
over from last summer-part natural, part
powder. The boy with the race-track plaid sport
coat, pictured in Esquire. The babe in the awfully
tight dress. The babe who's just awfully tight!
The wolf with the lamb-like eyes. The wolf with
the bloodshot eyes. The wolf who is doing ab-
solutely no good and wishes he were somewhere
else. The wolf who is running out of liquor, and
hurriedly surveys the crowd to find a likely fra-
ternity brother. The female wolf, oblivious of her
date, entertains a host of nondescript stags.
ON THE DANCE FLOOR: The fat couples; the
lean couples; the mis-matched couples. The old-
fashioned pair who still remember a few jitterbug
steps. The girl who learned a new rhumba step
this summer and gives an animated exhibition-to
fox-trot music. The drunk who keeps punching
number ten on the juke box, but keeps getting
number thirteen.
The wolf, glass-in-hand, who cuts in on all the
girls, whether he knows them or not, and then
spills part of his drink down their date's back as
he turns away. The pin-ball-machine addict who
won fifty free games shows boredom as he plays
his thirtieth, but is too stingy to let someone else
play them out.
OUTSIDE: Two couples wait for a cab ... one
girl is cold and snuggles up to her date, but the
other girl is burned up about something and stands
fully three feet from her escort. The boy who has
passed out under a bush. The fellow having engine
trouble discover s he's out of gas. The poor sucker
who has lost his date and wanders around peering
into back seats. The couples who are bored with it
all and are leaving for Jeff City.
"Are you positive the defendant
was drunk?" asked the judge.
"No doubt," growled the officer.
"Why are you so certain?"
"Well," replied the officer, "I
saw him put a penny in the patrol
box on Fourth Street, then look up
at the clock on the Presbyterian
Church and shout: "Gawd, I've lost
fourteen pounds!"
-0-
The college student had failed to
pass a very important examination.
Wishing to break the news gently
to his parents, he sent the following
wire to his elder brother: "Failed.
Prepare father."
The brother replied: "Father pre-
pared; prepare yourself."
-0-
Teacher-Spell straight.
Student-S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t.
Teacher - That's right. What
does it mean?
Student-Without soda.
-Kickapoo.
-0-
A lady with manners superior
Asked divorce from a husband
inferior,
On the grounds hat when once,
She had screamed at once
"Dunce!"
He'd said, "Shut up, you horse's
posterior." DMM
15
"Those Indians sure play for blood."
...AND HE DOESN'T EAT WHEATIES
Three years ago just about this
time, a big freshman end sat in his
boarding house room and debated
his future. In his hand he held a
lucrative offer from a southern col-
lege, dangling promises to make it
worth his while for him to transfer
there and play football. Bob Steu-
ber turned down the deal because
he had no desire to become a "tramp
athlete".
Today the same guy is finished
with football at Missouri. He's
caught his last pass, faded back
looking for a receiver for the last
time, and no more will his golden
shirt glisten in the sunlight, as it
flashes at and away from would-be
tacklers. But in the three year in-
terval, between the receipt of that
telegraphic bid that night and that
winry Saturday afternoon, Dec. 5,
in Kansas City's Ruppert Stadium
against the Seahawks, Steuber ac-
complished one little thing. He be-
came Missouri's greatest running
back.
Some day when the war is over
and the women return to normalcy
and people have the time and the
inclination for such things, old folks
will gather in rathskellers after an
afternoon visit in Memorial Stadium.
And, if the conversation drifts back
to football-as it will-there'll sure-
ly be one guy in the crowd who'll
bring up Bob Steuber.
It takes years and years of golden
autumns and colorful Saturday af-
ternoons to mold and mellow a
gridiron myth. Oldsters like to lean
back, with a cigar in one hand
and a drink in the other, and bull
about the good old days. Ten years
from now when some Missouri backs
vaults into prominence, some
paunchy alum will sit in Memorial
Stadium and remark to his com-
panion: "Boy, that kid runs just like
Bob Steuber used to. Say, did I ever
tell you about the Iowa State
game . . .,
Bounding Bob Steuber was just
another kid on the St. Louis
streets when Chuck Lewis, an im-
mortal of .an earlier period, was
cavorting across the chalk stripe in
what we now know as the Rollins
Field practice yard. In those days
history was made anytime but in
the atfernoon where Memorial Sta-
dium now stands.
Steuber grew up as most kids do.
He played cops and robbers and
spin the bottle and sandlot ball,
where the toughest kids played
pitcher and quarterback. Steuber
showed his first bursts of speed to
pursuing arms of the law, after a
foul ball broke some crotchety old
maid's window.
Today, Chuck Lewis is called the
Steuber of his day by the old-timers
around Rothwell Gym. Men like
Stan Stankowski, George Edwards
and Vurgil Spurling like to tell
tales of Lewis and of his grid antics
in the days of hip flasks, raccoon
coats, and Jazz. But if you pin
down the old-timers, including the
venerable C. E. McBride of Kansas
City's venerable Star, you will prob-
ably wangle out of them the admis-
sion that Rapid Robert Steuber is
the greatest ball-carrier who ever
roamed the griiiron pastures of
that part of the country where the
tallest corn and the prettiest wo-
men grow.
On a campus where little fuss is
made over football heries, Bob Steu-
ber goes his own little friendly and
fun-loving way. On some campuses,
Michigan for example, football he-
roes have been known to be ap-
proached by coeds and solicited for
autographs. Of course, at one time
or another, the same type of thing
has happened in Tigertown-al-
though there is no knowledge in this
corner of anything resulting that
is spelled autograph.
As a matter of fact football play-
ers around these columns are Just
a bunch of guys people cheer for on
Saturdays and yell hello to on the
streets in a loud voice to impress
their dates. She, of course, doesn't
know the difference between a line-
up and a single wing, and probably
wonders who the big lug is whose
initials start with "M".
When Bob Steuber started high
school, along with Mike Fitzgerald,
at C. B. C. in St. Louis, he prompt-
ly distingu;shed himself as a foot-
ball end, a baseball pitcher, a tennis
player, golfer, and jitterbug. He
made all of the city's All-Star foot-
ball teams and a good many of the
girls. By that time he was ready
for M. U.
That was almost four years ago.
On a hot, sunshiny day in Septem-
ber of 1939 he achieved his first bit
of athlete prominence by starring in
the Varsity-Freshman game, along
with another yearling named Mau-
rice Wade. Two years later the two
were teammates, both backs, al-
though Steuber had been a fresh-
man end, and with little Harry Ice
rounding it out, the "Terrible
Touchdown Trio" ran a mile in '41
for Missouri's second Big Six title.
He was a great end, was Bob
Steuber as a sophomore. He pitched
to boot and played outfield and in-
field for Hi Simmons, and, one day,
he pitched against Washington U.
in St. Louis, caught a bus and won
the 100-yard and 220-yard dashes
in a track meet on Rollins Field the
next afternoon.
Last year Bob Steuber became a
halfback for the first time since he
had lugged the ball on a sandlot in
St. Louis. He had to learn all over
again the fine points of playing a
new position, to pick his holes and
follow his interference. And he
became great. How much greater he
might have been had he served his
apprenticeship in high school as a
ball carrier is something for con-
jecture in another place.
It will do here to merely state
that All-American or not, Bob Steu-
ber was as good as they come when
it came to tucking a pigskin under
his armpit and taking off for the op-
posite goal line. There are lots of
fellows around these parts and oth-
ers who will say "Amen" to that.
Irv Farbman.
17
POCAHAUNTUS
STYLE
THE WARM
SILENT TYPE
SIR GALAHAD
THE TORRID ZONE
THE OUTDOOR MAN
THE BENCH
WARMER
THE CHUMMY
STYLE
UP THERE
(Continued from page 13)
in towns and cities and on farms.
And the sun and moon, locomo-
tives with daily schedules run-
ning across it along with the
planets which are no more than
three or four feet across? Now
I ask you, think it over. Which
is more fantastic? Which sounds
more like plain horse-sense?"
I thought it over. Well, how
can you answer that? Which is
the more fantastic? Obviously
the astronomers' ideas were. But
did I dare admit it?
He got up. "I've talked
enough about this. I'm a going
out. Got more work to do on my
airyplane."
I followed him out, my head
in a whirl. What was I to think?
Was the whole world being
fooled by a handful of men? It
wasn't possible. It just couldn't
be possible.
I watched Uncle working
about the plane. He was carry-
ing stocks of food and stuff into
it as if for a long trip. Finally I
couldn't contain my questions.
"The whole wold believes the
way the astronomers believe-
they couldn't be wrong." I ven-
tured.
Uncle shifted his pipe and
stowed away a smoked ham.
"Wrong again," he finally stated
emphatically. "Do the peasants
of China believe it? No. That's
a quarter of the world. Do the
peasants of India and the black
men in Africa and the red men
in South America know about it
or believe it? No, and that's half
the world that don't believe. So
don't be so smart with that word,
world. Most of the world don't
believe any such nonsense. Most
of 'em would agree with me and
other common-sense down-to-
earth folks."
That set me back on my heels
for a while. I wondered around
thinking while Uncle finished
the packing of the plane. He
had already stowed away a large
supply of gasoline and oil tins.
It was obvious he was going to
take off very soon.
He went into the house again
and when he came out I asked
him when he planned to leave.
"Tonight, soon's the stars
come out so I can get my bear-
(Continued on page 22)
The Jacqueline
Shop
BARNWARMIN'
Nelda McMur-
trey reigns over
Ags for a war-
time Barnwarm-
in'. Dean M. F.
Miller puts the
official stamp on
the farmers'
choice.
In the smooch tent are future farmer Rus-
sell Baker, Patience Harness, Mary Elizabeth
Buthod, and, in Uncle Sam's overalls, Lt. Hu-
bert Krautman of Ft. Sam Houston.
Betty Jean Garbee and date Harold Biellier
scoot through the leaf-covered tunnel between
the slide-entrance and the cider bar.
Art Ag and Flossie Farmerette saunter into the smooch
tent to hunt out an unoccupied nook.
Biddie Miller drinks a cider toast to Fred Madison at
the spigot.
They found one, too!
Chaperons, with that "Oh,-well,-THEY're-having-a-good-
time" look about them are: Mrs. Joe Vale, Columbia; Mrs.
Frank Miller, Trenton; Mr. Stephen C. Hughes, Columbia; and
Mr. Frank Miller.
The Brown
Derby
Pepsi-Cola
CENTRAL BILLIARD PARLOR
UP THERE
(Continued from page 19)
ings. Waited for you to come so
you could keep the farm in
order till I get back."
I saw that he was carrying a
couple of books with him and
when I got a closer look at them,
I was amazed to note they were
Chinese dictionaries and gram-
mars.
"Why the Chinese guides," I
asked. "You don't expect to
meet any Chinamen up there, do
you?"
"Why not/' he chuckled.
"The Chinese call themselves
Celestials and I guess they
ought to know if anybody does.
Four hundred million clever peo-
plen can't be all wrong about
their own origin."
I think that finally floored
me. Of course, the folks around
his farm were used to being
floored by Uncle Eph. Like the
time Joe Barnes, the telegraph
agent, was about to die, and -Doc
Thomas was away and there was
no other doctor around. Most
folks were surprised when Uncle
Eph went into the telegraph of-
fice and started using that key
and sending like he was a teleg-
rapher from way back. Nobody
knew that he could use a tele-
graph, or even knew the code.
Super came, night came and
the stars came out.
Uncle came down in his
heavy winter clothes with a fur
cap pulled down over his ears. I
went with him to the plane.
He pointed up towards the
North Star.
"I never thought that all-
fired important star was pointed
out clear enough, and I'm fix-
ing to do something about it.
Keep yer eyes on it," he said.
"Well, time to be going. Don't
forget to pick up the mail regu-
larly."
"Hey," I yelled at the last
minute, "you got a parachute?"
"What fer?" he snapped
from the door of his plane.
"Ain't nothing going to go wrong
with me. Parachutes is for bung-
lers. Now if you'll just step
back. . ."
Dumbly I stepped back. The
propellor turned over. It caught
on with a roar. Uncle slammed
the door of the cabin shut,
waved a hand and gunned the
engine.
The plane jerked forward,
started fast, swung wildly and
jumped into the air as Uncle
Eph threw the throttle on full.
It soared at a steep angle and I
expected it to crash momentar-
ily or turn over.
But it straightened out a bit,
turned towards the north and
started upwards in a steady
steep rise towards the Pole Star.
I watched it as it disappeared
into the darkness among the
myriad stars of the night.
The next night I was con-
fused and worried. There had
been no report of a plane crash
anywhere. So I went outside to
smoke my pipe and think the
whole thing over.
Suddenly, up there where
Uncle Eph's "airyplane" had
headed, there happened a thing
so strange that I didn't believe
it, until it had happened for two
nights in a row, exactly the same
way.
One of the brightest stars,
right by the North Star, was
winking. But it wasn't the usual
kind of wink. First there were
four real short winks, then a
pause, then a short wink fol-
(Continued on page 27)
DROP INN CAFE
Red Sandwich Shop
UNIVERSITY BOOK STORE
Bengal Basketeers
If you place any stock in dame rumor, Mis-
souri's chances for elevating itself in Big Six
competition are definitely on the up-grade. Mis-
souri had one of the finest Frosh squads on record
last year and the destinies of the Bengal cagers this
year will depend largely on how rapidly they de-
velop under the handling of Coach George Ed-
wards.
The scholarly Tiger cage mentor, now in his
17th season, believes that he has a potentially
strong team in the making. While he hesitates to
place the Bengals ahead of Kansas and Oklahoma
in the conference outcome, he feels pretty certain
that Missouri is through playing the role of "door-
mat" to the Big Six.
Kansas and Oklahoma, with virtually their en-
tire squad back, should be the strongest members
in the conference again this year, with Missouri
moving up, Edwards believes.
Capt. Earl Stark, stellar guard, heads the list
of four lettermen and two squad members return-
ing to the fold this year. Roy Storm, veteran senior
center, will operate again and should enjoy his
best season. Ed Methany, junior letter winner, will
bolster one of the forward posts, while Ralph Cart-
er, ball handler extraordinary, will join the squad
at the close of the football season. Stu Finlayson
and Mel Stoner are the returning squadmen.
Three years ago Missouri was Big Six Co-
Champion. Then came the depression. It seemed
incredible to Bengal followers their team wallow-
ing at the bottom of the Big Six Conference. Didn't
Mizzou reign as Big Six titlist in baseball and foot-
ball, they asked? The only answer was that
material at Missouri was far below par. It was
rare for more than one six-footer to dot the line-up.
But this year the pendulum of fortune might swing
back in Missouri's favor. Coach Edwards has a
wealth of material with all the elements: height,
speed, good ball handling and a willingness to
play. Chuck Zurheide, Roy Storm, Stu Finlayson,
and Orrel Hahn all go 6' 4" or better, while Capt.
Earl Stark, Pleasant Smith, and Thornton Jenkins
top six feet..
Mainstays on last year's Frosh team, Jenkins,
author of a deadly eye, Orrel Hahn, elongated
center with plenty of class under the bucket, and
Walter Robinson, who may open the season at
guard alongside Capt. Stark, should add plenty
of voltage to the Missouri offense this year.
Earl Stark, Guard
TIGER BARBER SHOP
Coach Edwards isn't certain of the starting line-
up, but one thing is certain: When "Coach" glances
at the depth of capable reserves, frequent sub-
stitutions will not materially weaken his line-up.
Bob Teel, Jim Austin, Wilbur Volz, and Lee Bent-
ley all may have something to say before the
season is far underway.
According to schedule, Missouri will meet: Jan.
6, Kansas at Lawrence; Jan. 16, Nebraska at
Columbia; Jan. 22, Iowa State at Columbia; Feb.
6, Kansas State at Columbia; Feb. 15, Oklahoma
at Columbia; Feb. 20, Nebraska at Lincoln; Feb.
22, Iowa State at Ames; Feb. 27, Kansas at Man-
hattan; March 2, Kansas at Columbia; March 6,
Oklahoma at Norman.
Edwards has tentatively planned games with
service teams, but a complete schedule was not
available at press time.
Jim Grieves.
The drunk sneaked home and patched up the scars
of the brawl with adhesive tape, then climbed into bed,
smiling at the thought that he had put one over on
his wife. Came the dawn, and his wife stood glaring
at his bedside.
"Why, what's the matter, dear," he asked.
"You were drunk last night," she replied.
"Why darling-nothing of the sort."
"Well, if you weren't, who put all the adhesive
tape on the bathroom mirror?"
--o-
He (embracing her firmly): Darling your freckles
are cute.
She: Freckles, heck; I've got the measles.
-o-
We heard about the tipsy pre-med the other night
who called up Dr. Wasserman of national fame and
when the good doctor answered the phone our inebriated
friend said, "Hello, is this Dr. Wasserman?" The voice
said, "Yes." Our friend said, "Are you positive?"
-o-
It seems that the gate broke down between Heaven
and Hell. St. Peter appeared at the broken part of the
gate and called to the Devil, "Iey, Satan, it's your
turn to fix it this time!"
"Sorry," replied he boss of the land beyond the
Styx. "My men are too busy to worry about fixing a
mere gate."
"Well then," growled Pete, "I'll have to sue you
for breaking our agreement."
"Oh, yeah," said the Devil, "where are you going
to get a lawyer?" -Urchin
J. Francis Westhoff
Chase
...The Bandwagon...
Barth's
CROWN DRUG STORE
Since Glenn Miller has desert-
ed the dance band field for the
army, several other top outfits
have been competing for the
number one position which he
so suddenly vacated. Although
Harry James has taken over the
Miller air show, he still has a
long way to go to fill the spot.
James has probably the out-
standing, at least the most pop-
ular, band today but it doesn't
measure up to Miller's.
Who will be the next top
American swing congregation re-
mains a mystery. It will probably
be a previously unknown or un-
der-rated combination with a
new slant on modern swing mu-
sic.
Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Bob
Baker has lived in Amarillo,
Texas, from early childhood un-
til the completion of high school.
At six he began the task of
mastering the clarinet-a tough
assignment for any young sprout.
Later Robert played first chair
clarinet in the high school band,
and won two national champion-
ships with his horn. Upon enter-
ing the University he played
with Count Solomon, later took
over the band. A very accomp-
lished leader, he plays excellent
alto and clarinet, fronts the
band, and occasionally gets off
a fine vocal. The Baker group
is "solid" and has always been
highly successful on the campus.
Bob's favorite name-band is
Benny Goodman.
* * *
"Jukin' "
The record situation continues
to ge+ worse. All bands were or-
derec to cease recording after
September 1 by the increasingly
unpopular James Petrillo. Rec-
ords available now were grooved
prior to that date. The major re-
cording companies have a large
stock of master records, and it is
from these that the discs for
future distribution will be made.
All this adds up to the final pay-
off-juke boxes will contain no
new platters unless some change
is made in recording privileges.
This condition will have little
affect upon us for the next few
months for many new issues are
yet to be distributed.
According to record sales at
Columbia's Radio Electric shop,
the top five sellers for the past
month are: "White Christmas"
-Bing Crosby, "Praise the Lord
and Pass the Ammunition"-
Kay Kaiser, "There Are Such
Things" - T. Dorsey, "Mad
About Him, Sad Without Him,
How Can I Be Glad With Him
Blues"-Dinah Shore, and com-
ing up fast-"Juke Box Satur-
day Night"--Glenn Miller. This
last is a definite contender for
the top position on the Hit Pa-
rade. Its low position recently
is explained by its extremely re-
cent release. A hundred records
were sold in Columbia the first
week it entered the market.
Bob Fross.
UP THERE
(Continued from page 23)
lowed by a long one. Then a
few minutes later the same thing
happened.
I guess I always was slow to
see through something, but that
regular winking got me. Then,
suddenly, it struck me - four
dots, a pause, one dot and one
dash.
So the next time you go out-
side on a clear night, look up to
the right of the North Star.
When you see that little star
winking, think of Uncle Eph up
there, turning out his porch
light and then turning it on
again. And think of him sitting
up there, giving his Chinese
hired man a big kick with his
talk about fiddledy-duddies and
scientists, and making his porch
light go .. . .
. -, and hoping all the time
that I can see his "ha ha" com-
ing across the night at me-in
Morse code.
Young Girl - Doctor I need an
operation.
Doctor-Major?
Young Girl - No, Second Lieu-
tenant. -Pellmell.
-0-
A RABBIT
A rabbit named Cyril de Pounce
Cashed a check, though he knew
it would bounce
He said with a wink
As he blotted the ink,
"It's the though not the money that
counce." -Lampoon.
-0-
The neatest "last word" story
that we have yet foud concerns an-
other of those professors, who, al-
ways anxious to improve their
course, add as the last question of
their final exam, "What have you
thought of this course?" The prof.
in question, upon reaching the end
of what had been one of the worst
of his papers found the following
notation: "I think that this was a
very well rounded course. Every-
thing not given during the semester
has been included in the final ex-
amination." -Kickapoo.
"How's your new girl?"
"Not very good."
"Boy, you always were lucky."
-The Log.
-0-
"Now," said the prof., "pass all
your papers to the end of the row.
Have a sheet of carbon under each
one so that I can correct all the mis-
takes at once."' -Awgwan.
---o-----
-0-
"You've had one drink too many,
my dear Alphonse, and you'll never
overpower me."
"Have no fear. I'll overcome you
by brewed force."
--0-
Patient (coming out from under
the chloroform)-Why are all the
blinds drawn, doctor?
Doctor-Well, there's a fire across
the alley, and I didn't want you to
wake up and think the operation
was a failure. -Record, Oct., '41.
-0-
.--o----
Senior-Do you think it's right to
punish folks for things they haven't
done?
Prof-Of course not.
Senior-Well, I didn't prepare my
thesis. -Exchange.
-0--
It hardly seems honest or just
To decree that all bathing suits
must
Be modest and shy
Yet reformers all cry-
"We'll cover their stomachs or
bust!" --Record, Jan., '42
-0-
"Prof. (rapping on desk): "Or-
der!"
Class: "Beer!"
Missouri Utilities Co.
SMARR COAL CO.
College Theatres
What color is a bride? Wed.
What color is a shampoo? Drene.
What color is a ghost? Boo.
What color is a guitar, string?
Plink.
What color is a belch? Burple.
There once was a maiden from Siam
Who said to her love, young Kiam:
"If you kiss me, of course,
You'll have to use force,
But Heaven knows you're stronger
than I am." -Exchange.
Artemus Green surprised the dean:
The courses he signed weren't easy
ones.
He took Bio. 3 and Advanced Chin-
ese B
Tough subjects reserved for the
greasy ones.
But if you should ask how he finds
his great task,
Mr. Green will declare that it's
heaven.
"I've planned it quite well; I've no
casses till twelve,
And I sleep every day past eleven."
-Lampoon.
-0-
The nurse entered the professor's
room and said softly: "It's a boy,
sir."
The professor looked up: "Well
what does he want?"
-Princeton Tiger.
-0-
Waitress (looking at the nickle
tip left by the close guest)-
What's ya tryin' to do-seduce me?
-The Texas Ranger.
-0-
"I want to see some gloves for
my eight-year-old daughter."
Yes, ma'am; white kid?"
"Sir!" -Dodo.
-0-
"How did you puncture that tire?"
"Ran over a milk bottle."
"S'matter didn't you see it?"
"Now. The Kid had it under his
coat."
-0-
Student: I don't think I deserve
a zero.
Profesor: Neither do I, but it's
the lowest mark I can give.
-0-
"You look lovelier to me every
minute--do you know what that
means?"
"Yes, the car is about to run out
of gas."-Log.
-----
Bob: My girl inherited her
beauty.
Bill: Yes, her faher left her a
drug store.
Life Savers
LIFE SAVER'S JOKE OF THE MONTH WINNER!
"Heaven's above!" exclaimed the college boy on
the train, as he jumped out of his berth beneath the
one occupied by the queen of the campus.
Judy Priest
508 Rollins
Columbia, Mo.
You too can win a box of Life Savers. Send your
original joke to the editor of Missouri Showme.
Central Dairy
Lane's Shoe Store
Camel Cigarettes