Missouri Showme November, 1946 Missouri Showme November, 1946 2008 1946/11 image/jpeg University of Missouri Special Collections, Archives and Rare Book Division These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194611

Missouri Showme November, 1946; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1946

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Showme Missouri November 1946 20 cents Homecoming Issue Camel Cigarettes THIS MONTH'S COVER MORT Walker anticipated us, when after putting in close to 20 hours work on Showme's Home- coming cover and its tedious color plates, we asked him for a few facts about his life. He blushed modestly and promptly handed us 13 typewritten pages of biography. Twelve and a half pages con- tained a lurid description of his off-duty army hours in Italy. We give you the printable half page. Mort is 23, a Kansas City boy, and a junior majoring in English. Until he handed us his memoirs we didn't know Mort was an In- fantry First Lieutenant. Being broadminded Showme plans to keep him on the staff anyhow. On the credit side we find that Mort was an editorial designer for Hallmark greeting cards, drew a comic strip for a Kansas City paper at one time, and has free- lanced in gag cartoons to national magazines for eight years. Missouri Showme NOVEMBER FEATURES TO COLLEGE DAYS-A rollicking rondalay originally written for the current song contest, but switched to our pages as a more fitting medium. AROUND THE COLUMNS-Are you curious as to the effect of Communism on the University campus? Here's one impression of what would happen. THE HERMIT OF JESSE HALL-He lived for years atop the dome, nourished only by its store of accumulated knowledge. THE GREAT HOMECOMING OF 1838-At last, the expose of the famous game that has puzzled Missouri alumni for years. LIFE IN A SHEEPSKIN FACTORY-Professor Rumpdimple went down fighting. The story of a hero in academic robes. STAFF TED WEEGAR, Editor DAVE McINTYRE Associate Editor DON MILLER Associate Editor SY WEINSTRAUB Business Manager J. D. KAILER Promotion Manager GEORGE FORBES Circulation Manager MERLE SCOTT Advertising Manager MORT WALKER Art Editor CLYDE HOSTETTER Photo Editor LOUISE STARK Modeling Director RANDY MITCHELL Advertising Art Director Editorial Staff: Charlie Barnard, Dave bowers Advertising Staff: Liz Greening, Hal Chancel- lor, Bill Gray, Bob Summers, Jean Moon Art Staff: Bill Gabriel, Flash Fairfield, Nancy Nelson, Bill Andronicos, John Lindsay, Dave Flemming Circulation Staff: Jean Marshall, John Rice, Charles Charles Photographers: Bob Cody, Jack Flynn, Bob Tonn Contributors: Irv Keim, Don Schwartz Secretary: Phil Sparano TURNERS Town Baedeker TIME now to rattle off a word or two about local beer emporiums for the edification of those who may not be strictly in the know. Question one: Where to go for your morning aperitif? Trek along behind a Missouri student as he pops in and out of school buildings in quest of wisdom and soon you'll see his steps wandering him off to the Ever Eat for a tankard or two of the bubbly brew. Might as well follow him in. For your afternoon pick-up, shadow the scholar again and you'll find him off to the Shack this time-an edifice according to legend which was once a trolley and certainly is still rendering community service today. Now when the weekend rolls around and the merry cheers go up from the populace, protocol dictates that suitable homage be paid to King Friday. Join the Thank God It's Friday Club and mingle with thirsty, multitude- jammed membership at the Dixie, an establishment of merit featur- ing for sale such excellent wares as 5 % beer in glass containers. But by 5 p.m. at the Dixie Mexican ale is riding the counter and it's high time to move on. Suggested itinerary: a triple play from Collins to Ambrose to the Goats' Club. Stay at each of course only as long as the drink- ables hold out. Ho, bartender! Let's have a head on this one. Jacqueline Golden Campus Room To College Days On your knee at Dean's G. C. I tipped my glass of beer. The nights wore on-the beer was gone, So passed our Freshman year. Oh, you and me at the B. & B. Spikin' cokes galore We hugged and mugged and chug- a-lugged And we were Sophomores. Drinkin' gin at the Outside Inn Often I recall On Saturday night, we'd get tight And we were Juniors all. "Drink and drink at the good ol' Hink, A Senior does no wrong." We'd all get high and by and by We'd sing some fraternity song. So, come on, Jack, down to the Shack, We'll hang a good one on For old Mizzou and drunkards true And college days now gone! -Jean Suffill. Around The Columns Shades of '21 THE files of the newspapers from 1920 were musty and fast disintegrating, but enough re- mained to give us an idea of what things were like hereabouts when our invited guests for this year's Homecoming celebration were passing their last year as under- graduates. Biggest news on the University campus was the completion of Jay H. Neff Hall, and the dedication of the new printing plant for the Columbia Evening Missourian. Advertisements announced that the "place to go" in Columbia was Jimmie's College Inn, whose main attraction seemed to be ice- cream soda glasses "big enough for two." The flaming youth of that period, still abashed at the vol- stead Act, were disappointed when Columbia's best still man was ap- prehended, but consoled them- selves with huge meals at the Uni- versity Commons at 30 cents a plate. The campus hero was a daring chap who entered his balloon in the national lighter-than-air races that year and blew in for a third place ribbon. Still in the midst of the strange names and outmoded customs we could sense a kinship of spirit with those students of another postwar era. There was a rest- lessness, a desire for concentrated pleasure, even if only through "one big enough for two" at Jimmie's. It's almost possible to tell the Class of '21 that things haven't changed a bit since they went away. Song of Spirit THE search for the lost school spirit which has been so sorely missed at recent football games may be advanced a step further, when the winning song of the current Fight Song contest is an- nounced this week. The winning song will appear in our publica- tion in December. There are a hundred and one answers in the least to the question of where that spirit disappeared to. Some say that it was irrevoc- ably lost when so many left to grow three and four years older in uniform. Many critics say that it is a lack of anything to be spirited about, while others con- tend that spirit adds materially to the quality of the teams perform- ing. The majority are agreed that one of the faults is the absence of a distinctive song. Songs have long been the trade mark for colleges and universities. An institution growing as much as the University of Missouri has need for a good one. Web-Feet THE recent heavy rains have been enough to wet the wardrobes of even the most fully equipped collegian. However, we doubt that the following extremity was resorted to by more than one or two of the local scholars. While walking down 10th St. one of those rainy days, we were rather surprised to come upon three coeds who from their moist appearance had been hit by the brunt of the shower. The as- tounding thing was that they had removed their shoes, which they had carefully protected under their raincoats, and were tramping al fresco in their bare, painted-toe feet. 5 Humor AN ambitious young reporter from the student newspaper pene- trated the outer defenses of our office this month to ask us for an interview. One of her questions made us scurry for a dictionary. "What," she queried, "is your definition of humor?" We thought it best to consult Webster before giving out our own interpretation. That way we would be sure that if we differed too widely we could offer some defense of our position. The Intercollegiate Dictionary allows that humor is "that quali- ty. which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous, absurdly incon- gruous, or comicality." Humorously enough, the of- ficial definition isn't too far from what we've been trying to achieve. Bowing to the great models of Rabelais, Dickens, Swift, and Sheridan. Honoring our own Mark Twain and Eugene Field, we too, are in the market for the ludicrous or the absurdly incon- gruous. What the reporter might better have asked is what we think the purpose of humor is. Then we might have had a glowing answer to prove the efficacy of a good laugh in settling many of the headaches and stomach ills of the world. Secrets FROM one of our sorority acquaintances comes this story of genuine consternation. We like to think of it as step No. 1 in Pledge Initiative About two weeks ago, apparent- ly in an attempt to get the jump on practical experience, a fair young thing cut pledge study hall 6 one evening and went downtown to one of the across-Broadway cinemas to take in "The Secrets of a Sorority Girl." Reflecting on the implications of the movie at the nine o'clock break she casually turned around to find four or five bored actives sternly staring in her direction. Convinced at that point that she had no more to lose, she bravely stuck it out to where she came in and then hurried home. We were interested to hear of the inevitable discipline of the pledge but our acquaintance main- tains a sorority girl has to have at least a few secrets. Nichevo Something happened to our imagination last month when the University was charged with Com- munistic tendencies; in a sudden flash of fancy we caught a picture of an MU Marxist Revolution complete. the Missouri Book Store and the University Book Store were merged into a People's Educa- tional Equipment Co-operative, Lenin appeared where the Con- federate soldier rock stands across from the Library, and the schedule of courses was revised to include such subiects as "General Experi- mental World Infiltration," "Po- litical Party," "Drill Presses and Boring From Within" and "History and Principles of Leftist Propaganda." Vodka, instead of beer, was dis- pensed at the Dixie and trouble- some professors were exiled to the back room of Collins where they were put to work at hard labor- slicing cheese for the side orders of cheese and crackers. Further changes came in every field. Eagles and Anchors ap- peared as Hammer and Sickle, and Readinsky Hall instituted a series of lectures for the masses under titles like this: "What Sort of a Man is This Truman?" In Readinsky's three lounges, Gromyko, Zhukov, and Litvinoff, the record machine stirred prole- tarian hearts with such official songs as "Russia, With the Laugh- ing Molotov" and "Give Me Five Year Plans More, Only Five Year Plans More." The new college fashions were exemplified by a nattily dressed couple we saw strolling past the People's Educational Equipment Co-operative-he in billowing silk shirt and pants stuffed in boots; she in burlap sack. The only one on campus who didn't have to change his ward- robe was Jesse Wrench. In fact, he was so well prepared for the new styles that he was considered something of a fashion plate, and warned about the bourgeoise opu- lence of his attire. We'll let you take it from there, Comrade! Wet Blanket SERIOUS interfraternity con- flagration was only just narrowly averted a couple of weeks ago by some quick explanation and a hasty apology. It happened during the tumul- tuous excitement that generally accompanies a pledge walk-out. The members of the house were barricaded inside, and were well armed with water bags to drop on the heads of the seiging pledges. In the midst of all this, a man from another fraternity happened by, and was possessed with a most untimely desire to use the phone in the aforementioned house. He only reached the door, however, when one of the men on the sec- ond floor, with Norden bomb- sight precision, let go a water bag scoring a direct hit on the unsus- pecting visitor's head. There's the tale of the M.U. student who couldn't find lodging for love or money. One after- noon, while out by the Hinkson, he heard a drowning man's fren- zied cry for help. Peeling off his jacket, he plunged into the Hink, threw his arm around the unfortunate vic- tim, and cried "Quick man, tell me where you live!" "3487 Uni- versity Ave.," gasped the man. Promptly pushing his head un- der the water, our hero struck out for the shore, and rushed to the given address. "I happen to know that the fel- low who lived here won't be back," he told the landlady. "I want to rent his apartment." "You're a minute too late, brother," said a voice behind the landlady. "I'm the guy who pushed him in!" The Editor's Dilemma Getting out a magazine is fun, but it's no picnic. If we print jokes, people say we are silly. If we don't, they say we are too serious. If we clip things from other magazines, we are too lazy to write them ourselves. If we don't, we are too fond of our own stuff. If we don't print contributions, we don't appreciate true genius. If we do print them, the page is filled with junk. Now, like as not, some one will say we swiped this from some other magazine-we did. She: Oh, are you taking Gen- eral Econ too? He: Yep. She: What section are you in? He: Third Battalion, 22nd Company, third platoon from the left. She was sitting in a dark corner. Noiselessly, he stole up behind her, and before she was aware of his prescence, he had kissed her. "How dare you," she shrieked. "Pardon me," he bluffed read- ily, "I thought you were my sister." "You dumb ox, I am your sister." Neighbor: "Say, have you folks got a bottle opener around here?" Parent: "Yeah, but he's away at college." "So you went to K.U., eh?" "Yeah." "You played basketball, eh?" "Naw." "Oh, you played in the band, eh?" "Naw." "The hell you went to K.U.!" Men who dwell in primal fashion Are ruled exclusively by passion; While we of more progressive lands Are regulated by our glands. Joe: "Say, got a cigarette?" Baldy: "Yeah, but they are all promised." "Tody's Saturday, isn't it?" "Yes." "Goody. Funny papers to- morrow." Photographer: Watch and see dickey bird. Child: Just pay attention to your exposure so that you don't ruin the plate. "I was shot through the leg in the war." 'Have a scar?" "No thanks. I don't smoke." 7 Candidly Mizzou Sh-me sent von fine fotographer ta Lower Slobbovian dence one Sattidy night and da keed snepped sotch good pitchers wit his Brownie dat we fig- gered da rest ob yoo'd like see 'em too. Ob da four karacters in laft foto tree go by da names, Hillas McLane, Adrian Vieth, and Tommy Taylor. Below dam are Guy Steagall und Marilyn Johnson lookin ot Lena's grate. Lest bot not leest is Lena ot bottom page, netch. photos by cody & flynn Seen at the Alpha Tau Omega "Cornjigger" early this month were, (below left) Ann Martin and Ernie Mitchell with Bill Saxon and Millie Adams (fore- ground). Nancy Nelson (below right), who hopes Chuck Hall likes apples, was another guest at A.T.O's. successful party. The Great Homecominh of 1838 by Dan Patterson (Being a true and faithful ac- count of some heretofore little known facts concerning that long remembered and forever 1lost weekend.) I obtained the facts which I am about to relate from the last surviving member of that now- famous Kansas U. football team which played Missouri U. in the never-to-be-forgotten Homecom- ing Game of 1838. How I ob- tained this exclusive interview must forever remain a professional secret, even from myself, but the means notwithstanding, I thought that the revelations of his story sufficiently sensational to warrant passing them on to this student body of 1946. In the name of professional ethics, and to pre- serve the honor of an old Kansas family, I must of necessity with- hold my informant's name. I do, however, present his words ver- batim-with several slight ex- ceptions of censorship which have no other purpose other than my desire to remain in the University at least until the end of this se- mester. Here then, is his story: "We arrived ib Columbia on Thanksgiving morning, 1838. We were scheduled to arrive on the day before, but we came in on the McBaine Special and en- countered much live stock on the tracks during the night. At the station in Columbia was a large vanguard of Missouri students to greet us; they were already in a holiday mood, many of them showing unmistakable evidences of having begun their Homecom- ing celebration early. In fact, several of these early starters were under the impression that we were the Missouri team returning tri- umphantly from the previous week's game. Nowadays I under- stand that it is the style to lose a weekend, but in 1838 it was noth- ing to lose the whole damn week. "A carnival spirit prevailed over all Columbia that day; the Coca Cola company was bottling Cuba Libre's for the occasion and the streets echoed with the rumble of large kegs which were being rolled in the direction of Mr. Rollins' North pasture where the game would be held. "Now I come to that portion of my story which is in the nature of a confessional. My mother al- ways told me that the truth will out, and if it wasn't that I don't want to die and make a liar out of the dear old lady, I might not tell the rest of this yarn. It hap- pened this way: Missouri won the toss to start the game and we kicked off. The field was ex- tremely muddy, and on each of Mizzou's plays, they lost exactly the yardage from the line of scrim- mage to the quarterback's position. This was because the center kept falling on the quarterback. The Missouri team appeared so de- (Continued on Page 18 ) 9 The Hermit of Jesse Hall by Bob Wells ONE day a surveyor engaged by the Missouri State Highway Department found himself with little on his mind except a rather vague but familiar order from his boss to "go out into the country and fool around until quitting time." Accordingly, he drove south on Highway Sixty-three and after covering a mile or two, park- ed at the top of a hill. Reading comic books soon be- came boring (since the collection in the glove compartment was in- complete, thus rendering the se- quence of adventures most diffi- cult to follow) so to pass addi- tional time he took his surveyor's transit from the rear seat and set it up on a nearby knoll where he appeared to be actually surveying the surrounding countryside. Idly, he looked this way and that, enjoying the magnified view of Columbia and its rustic setting, until the prominent dome of Jesse Hall camie under his scrutiny. 10 As he casually played the powerful telescope over its curved elegance, he saw a very peculiar thing. In one of the small win- dows, just below the slate roof, there was a face-a man's face, bearded and somber. As our sur- veyor watched, the man raised a sardine impaled on a match-stick and popped the fish into his mouth. That is how Carstairs was finally discovered. Carstairs, of course, had no way of knowing that he was observed, and that very ignorance preserved his men- tal calm, for the nonce. But, he was a doomed man. The surveyor quickly returned to Columbia. An Executive in a downstairs office of Jesse Hall re- ceived an excited phone call. He turned white, barked rapid-fire orders to his ever-present under- lings, then called the police. Blocks away, a squad car swerved around a corner and sped toward Jesse. Minutes later, a formidable delegation of janitors, policemen, professors, the Executive and a journalism student ascended the dome's stairway, until they reached the door: a dusty, ominous door. It was locked. A policeman lunged at the door and his should- er splintered the stout wood, re- vealing the large, circular room to the curious eyes of the delega- tion. Carstairs was now sitting in the very center, at a small, plain table on which were an empty sardine can and a milk bottle half full of water. He rose slowly, shrugged his worn, long, black coat higher on his shoulders, and dropped his arms to his sides in a pathetic gesture of resignation. Turning to the Executive, he spoke in a refined, well modulated voice. "Sir, my name is George P. Car- stairs. I think I know who you are. Like many others here- abouts, I have never had the pleasure of seeing you. I am de- lighted. Please be seated, all." The shortage of chairs pre- vented any mass acceptance of this invitation, so after a few introduc- tions the entire party left the room, except for the journalism student who took time to note the neat pallet on the floor, flanked by a small stack of botany text- books, an old leather briefcase, and a single volume of the En- cyclopedia Britannica which has been missing from the University Library since 1914. The powers-that-be gathered in the Executive's office and entered into conference with the unfortu- nate Carstairs. The journalism student arrived breathless from the upper regions in time to hear the Executive address Carstairs: "What is the meaning of this, man? Surely you know that you cannot take up residence in the very dome of Jesse Hall. Why, it's preposterous, it's unconstitu- tional, it's . ." Carstairs interposed. "O n e moment, sir. I shall willingly acquaint you with the circum- stances which brought about my unseemly sojourn in your beloved edifice. After explaining, I shall be prepared to accept any censure you seek to place upon me. You see, I came here as a student in the fall of 1913. My father had told me to come here and either pass my courses or never return home. I failed. I failed in an English Literature course because I erroneously stated in an exami- nation that it was Omar Khayyam who wrote Lines Composed A Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey. Therefore, I lost the credit, the vital three hours that I so des- perately needed to complete the total of sixteen for that semester. What was I to do? I could not go home. Work? A mediocre job in this world of slavish competi- tion? Nay, gentlemen! Yet, I must live. How? Where? Even today those problems plague some of us, but my plight was doubly serious as I had incurred parental displeasure as well. "One day, soon after my failure in school, I sought to climb up into the dome of this building to gaze over the surrounding land and perhaps find some measure of consolation. The rest is quite simple. In my climb, I came to that bare, circular room, ringed with windows. Enchanted, I looked from first one window and then another. From that eyrie, I could indeed see all: students com- ing to classes, the football stadium, the pleasant terraine of Missouri. "Though a failure to others, up there I could feel almost like a minor diety, don't you see? So, straightaway, I returned to my cubicle-like room in the roomring house, sold all my belongings ex- cept a few clothes and my botany text book. I divulged my plan to none, and quietly smuggled in- to the dome my personal things, plus some elementary furniture. Life became a pleasant routine. I read, slept, mused. During my necessary contacts with the out- side world, I went through the halls only when they were- crowd- ed, between classes, so as to at- tract little attention. This oc- casional mingling with the throngs of students enabled me to keep abreast of campus affairs. I use the word affairs in the stricter sense, of course. "Soon, however, my funds ran low and I was in need of food. Slowly, I formed my plan. I knew that my erstwhile professor of botany, one Prof. Liverwort, re- ceived a monetary fellowship from Ohio State University, in conside- ration of his work on the theory of apical dominance in the growth of tree branches. The sum he re- ceived monthly was not great, but it would suffice. I sent the profes- sor a phoney letter, saying that the (Continued on Page 20 ) Pop Mizzou Showme Backstage When the curtain rang up on the Work- shop's production of "The State of the Union," all was trim and shipsape. SHOWME gives you a few ideas of what goes on before the play begins. Here, we see the make-up crew at work on one of the Thespians; and members of the cast going through that last hurried line rehearsal be- fore curtain time. Below, Donovan Rhynsburger gives the players some final suggestions and words of encouragement. Then the actors take their places, the houselights are dimmed, and the net result of weeks of hard work and prepa- ration go before the eyes of the audience. Sports Scene FOOTBALL rivalry blossoms again Thursday afternoon when the Tigers play host to Coach George Sauer's Jayhawkers, be- fore a Homecoming Day crowd expected to exceed 25,000. The classic will be one of the "big games" of the day and one of the biggest of the year in the Midwest. This 55th meeting between the two schools promises to be one of the best of that long rivalry. To date, Kansas has won 25 games, Missouri has been victorious 22 times, and seven games have end- ed in ties. Last year the Bengals scored a convincing 33-12 victory over the "boys from the Kaw and only once in the past ten years has Kansas been victorious. Last year's win enabled the Tigers to clinch the 1945 Big Six Confer- ence championship. During the current season both Kansas and Missouri have had their "ups and downs," but each will enter the game with very impressive records. Kansas, for instance, opened the season by holding a good T.C.U. team to a scoreless tie and later in the cam- paign triumphed over Oklahoma A. & M. and Oklahoma on succes- sive week-ends. They completely outplayed Bob Fenimore and his A. & M. team-mates for a 14-13 triumph and the following week scored another upset by defeating the Sooners 16-13, when Paul Turner kicked a 40-yard field goal with less than two minutes to play. On the other hand, Coach George Sauer's men narrowly escaped defeat at the expense of Denver and Wichita, teams com- paratively weaker than the Jay- hawkers. Another blemish on the K.U. schedule was a 56-0 loss to Tulsa. The other two games played by the Kansas eleven, prior to this writing, saw K.U. lose a close 16-14 game to Nebraska and de- feat a week Iowa State team 24-8. Missouri proved its potentiali- ties on the gridiron early in the season, when they held a bigger and stronger Ohio State eleven to a 13-13 tie. The previous week they had opened the 1946 season at Austin, Texas, by losing a wild 42-0 game to Dana X. Bible's Texas Longhorns. In contrastto the Ohio State game. the Faurot-men had diffi- culty in subduing a scrappy St. Louis U. team, 19-14, and showed little in the 17-0 defeat at the expense of a well-drilled S.M.U. eleven. However, the Tigers did score decisive victories over Kansas State and Iowa State, two weak sisters of the Big Six Conference. They defeated Nebraska in anoth- er conference fray 21-20, before a Nebraska Homecoming Day crowd of 36,000. In the eighth game of the 10-game schedule, the Bengals made a fine showing on a muddy field, and overpower- ed Colorado by a 21-0 score. Both the Jayhawkers and Tig- ers will be operating from the T-formation and plenty of thrills are in store for football fans of this area, come Thursday. The play promises to be fast and de- ceptive in both backfields, while two rugged lines will match their strength and skill in defensive play. (Conti6ued on Page 23 ) 13 Life in a Sheepskin Factory by Frank Mangan GOOD morning students," greeted Roger Rumpdimple, the noted professor of economics. As he deposited his research on the lecture stand, five hundred bright- eyed scholars leaned forward in eager anticipation to catch his every word. For Rumpdimple, though sparse of hair and frayed of collar had been a favorite among the Missouri student body since the days when the columns held up something more sub- stantial than a paltry growth of ivy. "This morning," began the eminent Rumpdimple, "we shall take up the Law of Diminishing Fluctuation. This says in effect, that if one unit of a given sub- stance is used in conjunction with an unknown unit of an unde- termined origin, the results may be economically catastrophic, or physical impossible." As it seemed evident that sev- eral of the duller vererans did not quite understand these words of wisdom, the patient professor be- gan an explanation. "Maybe I should tell you some- thing of the background of this principle," he said. "It was dis- covered by an early Chinese named No Yen Too, whose busi- ness was supplying oil for the lamps of that country. It was during the dynasty of the Great Khan, better known to his -friends as Gharbish Khan that No Yen Too made several great discoveries in the field of economics. But 14 sadly enough, his work was never finished, as it seems he had a lurid affair with a local geisha girl named Too yung Too who served in the house of the Khan. "Our Chinese friend had al- ways had a great longing for the hand of this exotic and beautiful girl, and one day he took a small bag of rice as a gift to the Khan, thinking, of course, to gain his favor. In the house of this landed gentleman it was a daily custom for Too Yung Too to fill her master's great water pipe with his favorite tobacco, as he always smoked heavily while contemplat- ing lifting meat controls and other affairs of state. "However, this day the mind of the beautiful geisha girl was pre- occupied as she had spent all morning cutting out jack-o-lant- erns for the annual harvest and rice festival. She absent mindedly poured the fatal sack of rice into the master's pipe. The Khan took three long drags, inhaled twelve pounds of the rich mixture, and fell screaming to his knees. A physician was immediately sum- moned, but it was soon evident that the Khan was the victim of a rare and incurable disease known as crudfilia, in which ones red corpuscles turn to rice pudding. "As the master gasped for the last time, the doctor called ex- citedly, "Bring a jar of plasma quickly! The Khan is a very sick man! "Sick hell," cried Too Yung Too, "he's deader than a moose- head hat-rack!" "The blame for this terrible carnage was immediately placed on the head of No Yen Too, who was busily packing his rucksack for a trip to Argentina. But there came a knock at his door. Three men entered wearing black over- coats and hats pulled low over their eyes. It was the dreaded gestapo! Without a word their leader raised a broadaxe and struck our Chinese friend squarely in the sweetbread, and hauled him off to the bastille, where he spent his remaining days writing obscenities on the latrine walls. "But so much for that," con- cluded Rumpdimple, "Are there any questions?" "Yes sir," emanated a voice from the rear of the room, which belonged to a questionable char- acter named Stein or McGillicudy, "What about them geisha gals?" "A very good question, young man," said the professor, "I'm glad you brought that up." But before another word was spoken the bell tolled, bringing to a close another great lecture. Five hundred students immediately leaped from their folding- chairs and began rushing for the door in pursuit of further education. Rumpdimple, showing signs of his advanced age, was unable to sidestep as the five hundred bore down upon him and was last seen going down under the stampede. Today, in the palace of the great khan, there stands a simple monument which bears the in- scription: Prof. Roger Rump- dimple, University of Missouri, U. S. A. Diciple of No Yen Too. Trampled to death, Nov. 25, 1945 -a victim of Occidental bad manners. Hey, what time is it by your watch? Quarter to. Quarter to what? I don't know-times got so bad I had to lay off one of the hands. I knew a girl named Passion I asked her for a date. I took her to dinner. Gosh! How passionate. When the flood was over and Noah had freed all the animals, he rtturned to the ark to make sure all had left. He found two snakes in the corner, crying. They told him their sorrow: "You told us to go forth and multiply upon the earth and we are adders." Kaywoodie Company HOMECOMING 1838. (Continued from Page 9.) moralized, in fact, that it lead to a rather caustic editorial in the school paper. The offending edi- tor was later drawn and quartered, but that is aside from my story. "The game continued in the mud for some fifty-nine minutes of play and then the fates smiled on the Missouri team. With fourth down and sixty-three yards to go, they went into a punt formation. The ball was snapped from center, but the quarterback could not kick the ball-his foot was stuck in the mud of Mr. Rollins' North pas- ture. When he finally extricated himself from this impasse, it was too late to kick. He started to run, first a stagger to the left, then to the right, and so on, moving forward at a rather slow pace, but making wonderful time sideways. Try as we would, we could not tackle him. By some chance, he always staggered in the right di- rection and at the right time so that he eluded every Kansas grasp. When we last saw him, he was walking tight-rope on the goal post cross bar. In the excitement, the time keeper shot himself with the final gun and Missouri had won the game, 6-0. "The Kansas team was heart- broken, but when we had time to think about it, we realized that no one would know on the next day who had won the game. So, we just told everyone that the final score was Kansas 6, Missouri 0. We chose this score in case some sober soul would recall that a touchdown was scored. "Well, nobody ever did realize what had actually happened. The newspapers believed our story- all the reporters were down at the Whig & Tory Tavern throughout Puckett's Meet 'Ken' We'd like you to meet our advertiser of the month, Kenneth H. Puckett. "Ken," an A-1 sales- man, as one of our advertising salesmen. found out when he boght a sweater instead of selling an ad, presides at Puckett's Men's Store at 908 East Broadway. Ken is a veteran, having served with the infantry during the war. He was discharged October 30, 1945, and resumed his old posi- tion with the Rice Stix Dry Goods Company, a firm of wholesale manufacturers. He was a mer- chandising adviser and sales rep- resentative for this company be- fore the war. However, new ideas want new bosses, and Ken resigned May 1 to open his own store in Columbia, where he's lived since 1938. Most students and many townspeople know Puckett's for its courteous service and excellent merchandise. Ken is married and has two children, a boy and a girl. He lives at 117 Stewart Road. So-drop in and meet the own- er of Puckett's Men's Store-we think you'll agree that he is our advertiser of the month. the game-and every member of that great Jayhawk team of 1838 promised to keep the secret until he died. But now, my time is near and another Homecoming has rolled around in Columbia, so I think the story should be told. Go on back to the SHOWME of- fice, young man, and let the world know." Puckett's Mens Wear RADIO ELECTRIC THE HERMIT . (Contsused from Page 11 ) Gruggenheem Foundation (the source of the money) had been discovered fraudulent. Mr. Grug- genheem had been an embezzler, I wrote, and as the funds were seized by their rightful owners, no more money would be available for research work. That took care of Prof. Liverwort. "Then I cent a letter to Ohio State, requesting that in the fu- ture the fellowship check be sent to me, or rather to Prof Liverwort, by way of General Delivery. They followed my instructions and neither heat nor cold nor rain nor snow nor gloom of night could stay me from swift completion of my rounds to the post office to get the check each month. High- handed, gentlemen, but I had to have an income. "Shaving was somewhat of a problem those first years. I went to a barbershop, of necessity. But later, as my beard grew heavier and I desired to go downstairs less frequently, I just let the whiskers grow." Carstairs smiled and fondled his beard. "Many times while walking through the halls, I was mistaken for a certain history professor." Carstairs winked at the group and they stared back at him like mackerel. He went on, his oratory like a juggernaut which they could not deter, nor escape. "My life was not stagnant by any means. I read books, news- papers. The Kaiser's drive through Belgium, Lindbergh's flig h t, Dempsey and Tunney, this last war-yes, I covered it all. And, by the way, I don't trust this Gromyko. I think he's trying to bluff us, and . ." "Mr. Carstairs," said the Execu- tive, "one great discrepancy in your story comes to mind. You say you draw the checks of Profes- sor Liverwort. It may interest you to know that he died about eight years ago and the fact of his death could hardly be a secret at Ohio State. Now, come clean fellow, we won't hurt you!" Carstairs laughed heartily and his eyes had a triumphant gleam that bespoke inward exuberance as he replied. "Yes, indeed, I shall explain that too. I was forced to carry on considerable correspondence with the people at Ohio State and in the process, I became deeply interested in the theory of apical dominance. I even managed to buy more books on the subject. It is quite in- triguing-involves the production, or inciting, of a growth-arresting hormone which-well, anyway, Ohio State knew of Prof. Liver- wort's death and the checks stopped. However, I seized the torch. I told them by letter that I had been the professor's as;istant and that I would continue the work if they so desired. They did, and the checks now come irt to me. "I became so familiar with the work, that this spring I was of- fered an attractive laboratory posi- tion with Ohio State. I had sent them various papers on the sub- ject, at least one of which ap- proached the scope of a doctor's thesis. Really 'quite simple: just gather a few pertinent books, grab a sentence here, a sentence there, scramble them together with complicated footnotes and get someone to type it for you. I'm sure some of the gentlemen here know what I mean." The gentle- men squirmed. "Really," he went on, "I pre- ferred my life in the dome, but since you have found me out, I shall be pleased to accept their kind offer." CENTRAL DAIRY EVER EAT CAFE "Just a minute, buddy," a policeman interrupted, "you're not going anywhere until I call the station." "Quite correct," the Executive said, "for long is the arm of the law." The policeman dialed a number and spoke confidentially to his chief. His brow furrowed, then furrowed deeper. Meanwhile Carstairs digressed a bit. He played to his gallery until the policeman hung up the phone and announced, "The Chief sa y s there's no law to cover this guy. He hasn't swiped anything we know of, he hasn't destroyed any- thing, and he can't be held for non-payment of rent because no part of this building can be rented." Consternation possessed every- one save Carstairs, who seized the opportunity to conclude. "In that case, gentlemen, I shall now de- part. Suffer me to return to my former home and get my few be- longings. The place will be left as I found it, except for the ad- dition of a pallet, a table and a chair, which I collectively present to the university to be disposed of according to the desires of the Curators. Good day, all." He strode out of the office, pushed his way similingly through the wondering students in the hall, and went back upstairs. Soon, he came down again, seeming almost debonair. As he walked toward the north door of Jesse, he nodded a friendly farewell to those gath- ered to observe him. With his black, slouch hat, bushy beard, and funereal coat, George P. Car- stairs sallied out into the world, carefully carrying his briefcase, botany books, and a single volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica which has been missing from the University Library since 1914. Balfour Representative SPORTS SCENE. (Continued from Page 13) Ray Evans, All-American can- didate for halfback, should thrill the spectators with his spectacular style of running, and the heavy Tiger forward wall will be set on stopping him, as well as the other K.U. backs. Standouts in the Tiger back- field will be Lloyd Brinkman, Leonard Brown, Howard Bon- nett, Lee Bowman, Bob Hopkins, Jim Austin, and a score of others. The line will be bolstered with such standout players as "Big Jim" Kekeris, Norval Piepmeier, Ralph Stewart, Verlie Abrams, John Reginato, Rollie Oakes, Mel Sheehan, Marshall Shurnas, Ken- ny Bounds, Ray Cliffe, Bob Fuchs, Bernie Pepper, Jon Tarpoff, Bob Stone, and a host of others. The outcome of this game may well decide the championship of the Big Six Conference, although at this writing, the Oklahoma- Missouri and Kansas-Kansas State games had not been played -Bill Henderson. POST-HALLOWEEN DEPARTMENT Missing Items Division "Will the Halloween pranksters inform me where they left it, as I am unable to secure lumber to construct a new one. Classified ad., TRIBUNE, Nov. 5. Miller's Columbia Motor Co. Frozen Gold Ice Cream GREYHOUND COFFEE SHOP HOMECOMING TRIKE up the band! Let the team through! Let's all cheer the day, And argue each play" Cry '16 and '18 and '22. 'Oh this team is good, And they're all true blue; But they'd have lost today If they'd had to play The team we had in '32." 'Yes, it's really good to be back -Let's keep up the cheer And all have a beer Together, down at the Shack!" "Why there's Harry and Larry And honest old Hugh! Let's go see Jesse Hall- How are you, Paul? Shout '19 and '20 and '321 And across the peaceful campus They come as ghosts To revisit Babylon. And some laugh a little At those youthful dreams They once dreamed, And perhaps wish a little To be a dreamer again. Then they return a little sadly To too many drinks And today's stock market. But some, in "Dulce et decorum" Return not, and rest quietly On another kind of campus Under names like "Sgt. A. B. Jones Killed in action" At places hard to pronounce-like Spiaggia Anzio, Buna, Leuteberg, and Biche' . . . And across the peaceful campus They to come as ghosts-perhaps To revisit Babylon, And are content To see Harry and Larry and Hugh Get a little drunk And not forget When they toast to '18 and '30 and '42. -Ken Sellers. "Let's cut classes today and go to a show." "Can't do it. I need the sleep." Voice on Phone: "John Smith is sick and can't attend class to- day. He requested me to notify you. Professor: "All right. Who is this speaking?" Voice: "This is my roommate." A bunch of stoos were on the way home from a party. They stopped in front of the frat house wherein lived one of the stoos, and howled for the prexy. He stuck his head out of a window. "Prexy, would you do a pal a favor? Come down and pick Johnny out, so the rest of us can go home." "What were poor Jim's last words?" "It sure tastes like the real stuff." Missouri STUDENT, Nov. 6 Question of the week: Who will Homecoming committee will el- Homecomin gcommittee will el- iminate contestants down to twenty- one candidates, to be chosen by a committee of business men and faculty. . . That IS a hard one. Janet neff's date and candy shop CHECKER CAB CO. MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY "Bromo"-toast-er, "Bromo-toast-er Here's to good friend--"tried and true," Who was always "true, true blue." Who saw me through both "thick and thin" And, likewise, through the "dens of sin." To one with whom I've "played and sung"- I shouldn't have killed him-he was "too young." -Jean Suffill. "Why, I'm ashamed of you, my son," the father fumed at his loaf- ing son. "When George Washington was your age, he had become a surveyor and was hard at work." "And when he was your age," the boy said softly, "he was presi- dent." Epitaph on old maid's tomb: "Who says you can't take it with you?" Sign on the sheriff's desk: "Out for lynch. Back at 1 o'clock." Zoo Visitor: Where are the monkeys? Keeper: They're in the back making love. Visitor: Would they come out for some peanuts? Keeper: Would you? She was only a film censor's daugh- ter, but she knew when to cut it out. 0 She: "How in the world did you get that mark on your forehead? He: "That's a birthmark from climbing into the wrong berth." 0 She was only a printer's daughter, but I sure liked her type. 0 1st Co-ed: "He certainly knows all the answers." 2nd Co-ed: "He should; he's been out with all the questionable girls." She: "Adieu." He: "You do?" Patient, recovering from operation: "Why are all the blinds drawn, doc- tor?" Doctor: "Well, there's a fire across the street, and I didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure." Classified ad, Columbia Missourian, Oct. 25 "BOYS CLOTHING, infants to 4 years old. Toilet seat. Call for appointment, 7718." For a fitting? DAVIS CLEANERS Lamb's PACE'S CAFETERIA The Novus Shop She was only a. stage manager's daughter, but she had the loveliest prqps. * Coed 1: "What was her maiden name?" Coed 2: "Her maiden aim was to get married, of course." "And what makes you think that this is a night for wild oats?" "Your eyes told me sow." 1st Babe: "Him? Well, he's the lighthouse type." 2nd Babe: "Strong and silent?" 1st Babe: "No-beam in his eye." * "What brought me here?" asked the little rose-bud. "The stalk," answered the rose. * A Scotchman was leaving on a business trip, and he called back as he was leaving, "Goodbye, all, and dinna forget to take little Donald's glasses off when he isn't looking at anything." "That's the spirit," cried the medium as the table began to rise "Now don't get excited dad! Bill's a graduate of an airforce radio school." Jean: "Sorry, Jack, but I'm all tied up tonight." Jack: "Say, that'll simplify things. I'll be right over." * He: "Here's how." She: "Say when-I know how." * "I represent Mountain Cheap Wool Company," began the snappy young salesman. "Would you be interested in coarse yarns?" "Gosh, yes," breathed the gal, hope- fully. "Tell me a couple." * A pessimist is one who thinks all women are immoral. An optimist is one who merely hopes so. And there was the Scotchman who spent six months in occupied France looking for a free Frenchwoman. * "You know, you're not a bad-look- ing sort of girl." "Oh, you'd say so even if you didn't think so." "Well, we're square, then. You'd think so even if I didn't say so." "Do you know what good clean fun is?" "No, what good is it?" "You must have patience my boy, Milton had to wait over a thousand years, before his works were pub- lished." Orchid, Inc. ESSER DRUG STORE H.R. Mueller Florist COLUMBIA BEAUTY CLINIC 1st Femme: "I see that George asked you to marry him. Did he tell you that he had once proposed to me?" 2nd Femme: "No, but he said there were some things in his past life he was ashamed of." Then there's the fellow with the stern look because his mother was frightened by the rear end of a ferry- boat. * And then there's the fellow who walked into a bar optimistically, and left misty optically. * "Have you ever wakened with a jerk?" "Heavens, not Why I'm not even married." * "Are you keeping a hope chest?" "With a chest like mine, there is no hope." * There was a little girl And she had a little curl Plastered on her forehead. And when she was good She was very, very good And when she was bad She was marvelous. Have you heard about the girl they call "Chocolate" because she nestles? Mother (to young son): "Whose little boy are you?" Son (disgustedly): "Gosh, don't tell me you don't know!" * "Worrying can't help you," asserts a philosopher. That makes it mutual, we can't help worrying. 0 There was a young lady of Trent Who said that she knew what it meant When men asked her to dine- Gave her cocktails and wine. She knew what it meant-but she went. * She is only a taxi driver's daughter but you auto meter. * Co-ed: "We must be getting home . . . we girls are after hours." Freshman: "We are after ours too." Lawyer: "Why didn't you scream as soon as he touched you?" Old Maid "I didn't know he wanted my money." A very well-satisfied man arrived at the gates of heaven and asked for admission. "Where are you from?" "Columbia." "Well, you can come in-but you won't like it." DEAN'S MULLOY'S VARSITY CLEANERS THE DRUG SHOP McQUITTY QUICK PRINTERS STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP The Missouri Showme is published monthly during the school year by the Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, national professional journalism fraternity, as the official humor and literary publication of the University of Missouri. Prices twenty cents the single copy. Copyright 1946 by Missouri chapter of Sigma Delta Chi. Permission to reprint given all recognized exchanging college publi- cations. Editorial and Business of- fice, Jay H. Neff Hall; office of publication, Modern Litho Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo. Not responsible for unsoliciated manuscripts; postage must be enclosed for return. "Daughter, your hair is all mussed up. Did that young man kiss you against your will?" "He thinks he did, mother." * "He likes cigars and smokes two or three boxes a week." ".What does he do with the cigars?" Never marry on Sunday. It's not right to gamble on the Sabbath. * The daughter of a noted financier was talking to her bridegroom: "Dad's going to give us a check for a wedding present." "Then we'll have to have the cere- mony at noon instead of at 3 o'clock," replied the groom. "Why?" "Because the banks close at 3." LANE'S Town and Country Club Furs, Inc. Chesterfield Cigarettes