Missouri Showme March, 1947 Missouri Showme March, 1947 2008 1947/03 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194703

Missouri Showme March, 1947; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1947

All blank pages have been eliminated.

Missouri Showme March 1947 20 cents Camel Cigarettes THIS MONTH'S COVER 1 EITHER the editors of Showme nor Mort Walker him- self, whose art work was respon- sible for the cover of the Girl Issue of the magazine, had it in mind at the.time of dreaming up the picture that any such true-to- life female resembling the one so avidly ignoring her skirts batting in the breeze could possible exist in Columbia. However, one has the idea that were the situation confronted that it would work out just about as the artist has portrayed it. Wind is a good subject for a March magazine, and an equally good one in any month for a col- lege publication, because there is never a dearth of wind around the columns. As for our artist, it is Mort's second visit to the front cover, his first since the use of four colors has become the rule. Mort is also responsible for the work done on the page inside announcing the Showme girl contest. Also (and we mention this in a whisper) Mort's pen drew the celebrated cartoon of last month which did not appear in the magazine. Missouri Showme WINDY FEATURES THE SHOWME GIRL CONTEST-Clip the ballot from page two and send in your choice for the Showme Girl. The only contest of its sort in which YOU are the final judges. MISSOURI VS. OKLAHOMA-With only the Kansas game remaining, the Tiger cagemen wind up a very successful basketball season, keeping top posi- tion almost all the way. DEAR HARRY-An open letter to the man from Missouri from a man in Missouri. PHOTO CONTEST-Win yourself some free beer by proving your campus knowledge. STAFF DAVE McINTYRE, Editor DAVE BOWER FRANK HASH TED WEEGAR Advertising Director Editors emeritus DON MILLER MORT WALKER Associate Editor Assistant Editor PHIL SPARANO CLYDE HOSTETTER Business Mgr. Photo Editor BILL STREETER LOUISE STARK Promotion Director Modeling Director RANDY MITCHELL Adv. Art Director Advertising Staff: Liz Greening, Bill Gray, Bob Summers, Jean Moon, Frank Lewis. Art Staff: Bill Gabriel, Flash Fairfield, Otto Press. The Jacqueline Shop Town Baedeker In the near-season, we may be dropping in on some splendid Broadway productions. Our little Columbia will have for our theatrical choice: Green Grow the Lilacs (as presented by the Missouri Work Shop March 11-15), which New Yorkers know as the smash musicale Okla- homa!, and two offerings by the ace comedy playwrights, Kaufman and Hart-The Man Who Came to Dinner (by the Columbia Players early in April) and You Can't Take It With You (by the Burrall Drama organization- soon). So much for the entertainment packet from the East. Now to look at what is heading our way from the West-with the Holly- wood postmark. A wild and wooly Western for one-The Plainsman and the Lady. We who are right plunk in the center of the "Show-Me" state may have forgotten the Mis- souri sons who did their bit to open the famous pony-express line between Sacramento and St. Joe but Hollywood hasn't and tells their story in The Plainsmen and the Lady, mixing in to the nar- rative much gunfire, plenty of Indians, murderous villians, noble cowboys and stampeding buffaloes. Humroesque is another film that will splash a local screen soon and it tells the tale of how a certain party (as played by Joan Crawford) took one last stiff drink and walked right into the ocean. Possible motivation for why the lady took hers straight and then jumped into the chaser is John Garfield. As the plot contends, his sullen, deadpan love- making might very well drive any high-strung damsel to speedy self- destruction. The Dark Mirror, soon here too, has Lew Ayres falling in love with two Olivia de Havillands. A thriller mystery more diverting than most, The Dark Mirror spins a yarn about girl twins, one a knife-wielding murderess and the other one not. The baffled police cannot get a murder indictment without knowing for certain which girl has the unbreakable alibi. The twins themselves aren't talking. Man who contri- butes much to the picture's fast paced suspense is Director Robert Siodmak, who is making a fairly regular habit of getting his name associated with hit mysteries (ie: The Spiral Staircase, The Killers). That's Columbia's pleasure bud- get for the near now and a pretty fair one it seems to be. -Pat Ryan. Returned soldier: "While in a famous city in Arabia I met a very pretty native girl." Dad: "Mecca?" Returned soldier: "You know me, Dad. I never fail with a frail." Heard on the Hinkson: She Oh, doesn't Orion look nice tonight? He: Boy, these Irishmen get around, don't they? Harzfeld's Elect the Showme Girl for '47 The only all school beauty contest in which YOU are the judge. Any girl from Stephens, Christian, or the University is Eligible. Anyone can vote. All you need is the ballot on this page. There are no nominations. No red tape. No movie stars, band leaders, or businessmen make the selection. YOU are the only judges. #6o q0W.' ONE: Think of the slickest chick you know. TWO: Write her name on the ballot below. THREE: Drop it in the ballot box in Jesse Hall, Read Hall, 212 Neff Hall, Christian or Stephens Bookstores, or mail it to Showme, 212 Neff. FOUR: Get your friends to vote for the girl you want to see win. FIVE: CONTEST CLOSES MIDNIGHT, March 10, 1947. SIX: No box-tops needed. THE LUCKY GIRL GETS . . . . Her Picture in SHOWME. . . A screen test opportunity. . . Fame. . . . Fortune. . . . Any- thing else we're not responsible for. . . Around The Columns Ou? Les etudiants se demandent ou prendre des numeros supplemen- taires du Showme? On n'a qu'a le demander au 212 Salon du Neff, ou l'on se fera un plaisir de vous en vendre a prix raisonnable. Girls, Girls, Girls ELECTION of queens being a characteristic and favorite pastime of organizations at the Univer- sity, we felt to be included in things we too must have our Guivevere, our prima donna. We felt, however, the import- ance of making this a reader's choice, rather than calling in a so-called expert's opinion, or leav- ing it to the discretion of a chosen few. Every man is in his own right the best judge of beauty, and though many will coincide in their opinions, one feels that it is an imposition to be told out- right that this girl or that one is the beauty. And there is the feminine point of view itself which should not be overlooked. In our opinion women's suffrage in the matter of electing one of their number as the representative of their sex is as important as in electing city or state officials. Our contest, then, is an open one, in which each man has a right to vote for the one he chooses, be it the girl who sits next to him in Economics lectures or the sweet young thing who rides the City bus in the morning. As an added feature, somewhat in the form of reward, the winner, the Showme Girl, whose pictures will appear in the next issue of the magazine, will have the chance, if she so chooses to make a screen test in Movieland. Where it will all end, of course, depends largely on the girl, her ambitions, and the weather in California, which has about as much to do with the rise and fall of film careers as any other factor. New Star WITH the enrollment mercury again bubbling over the ten thou- sand mark, knowledge seekers of that number who have made the pilgrimage to Columbia are start- ing again, or in some cases on a maiden voyage, into the realms of textbooks, tests, and tattered nerves. The lack of decrease' in num- bers signifies that the spring will be as cozy as the fall and winter, in lines in front of theaters and restaurants as long, and .an un- crowded spot as hard to find. However, the *revitilized appear- ances of those enjoying respite after the recent campaign with final examinations, and the fresh, unscarred countenances of the new.seekers of wisdom, adds more than a passing note of optimism to the prospect of the coming months. Spring brings many things to the University campus, a new life, a blossoming of social events, and a general shedding of winter conservatism and heavy clothing. To the newest arrivals, Showme adds its voice in greeting. Time alone will add those worried lines and harried looks which will class you as a student of the Univer- sity . Like the old Alaskan sour- dough says, however, "Y'ain't one of us until you've gone through a bookstore line, attempted to peti- tion from a course, and spit in the Hinkson." 5 Disposal THE fate of the two pages missing in last month's issue is in itself an interesting point. After having been somewhat hurriedly deleted from the inside of the magazine, these celebrated scraps of paper presented a problem of disposal which took the concerted effort of all the members of the staff to solve. The question was whether to suffer the pangs of watching one's handiwork go up in flame or to do with them something which would be yet constructive despite the stigma stamped on their char- acter. And being ever on the side of contributive action, we deemed it wisest to donate the pages to the stockpile of a danger- ously small national paper sup- ply. The sheets were therefore bundled and secretly placed with some piles of old newspapers which were to go to the processors for remanufacture into clean white paper again on which could be written more material. In our imagination, however, we could not help but wonder at the possibility of the paper short- age being suddenly resolved, and the need for our expurgated ma- terial being gone, these "objec- tionable" cartoons finding their way to a dark, seldom-visited cor- ner of a ragman's warehouse where they would not be noticed 6 again until we happened in the place some twenty years from now and found them. We can vizualize the nostalgia of such a reunion, and we are also quite sure that the tempest- in-a-teapot theme of the whole drama would provide even at that late date some chuckles. Line Up _LONG with Billy Rose's scheme to unionize the sheep parading you into sleep after that fifteenth cup of coffee at the Eat Mor, we think the people who stand in line at theaters should be organized. Of course, this will call for strict registration on the part of the leaders of all those behind them, but if a man is eager enough to be the first at the box office, he certainly has enough energy to collect all the names and ad- dresses. We'll call this union TAS, if you don't mind, and adopt John ("Who Only Stand") Milton as patron saint and honorary firster- in-liner. TAS, of course, stands for "They Also Serve," which we think kind of gives the whole thing an intellectual slant. It's the sort of name you'd expect of a colloge crowd, and it ought to appeal even to those sons of mem- bers of the N.A.M. among us. Members will get cards en- titling them to stand by the Up- town one night and the Missouri or Hall the next, which means the cards will have to be num- bered A, B, or C. Then, of course, the first or second show is an im- portant thing to have listed. That will force us to sub-number the cards 1 or 2. Married unioners will have this data on their cards, and will be allowed to have their wives stand with them in line. Unmarried men who want to take a date to the show will have to get special permission unless the girl is also a union member. If done right, this union ought to relieve the congestion in front of all theaters, since the card will determine definitely whether the man may stand for the first show at the Missouri, or will have to wait for the nine o'clock run at the Hall. As a special organizer, we'll have Charlie Ridgway. We'll cast him another key, bigger than any of his others, and hire a small boy to walk beside him and carry it. He will write long stories for the Student, beginning and ending each paragraph with the words, "Fellow standers, unite! You have nothing to lose but your corns." Straight WE chanced to hear a couple of reporters in the Missourian news room the other day discussing telephone calls that sometimes come in, requesting information about everything from the circum- ference of the moon to the aver- age rainfall in Lower Mongolia. Desk-man Thomas L. Fergu- son entered the conversation to relate this incident which, he in- sisted, actually happened to him. While working for the Des Moines Register several years ago, he answered the telephone one evening and a man's voice said: "Say, we're having a little poker game, and we're all pretty new at it. Wonder if you could tell us which is higher-two pair, or three of a kind?" "Why, yes," Mr. Ferguson re- plied. "Three of a kind is the better hand." "Two pair? Thanks a lot," the man answered, and hung up. Souvenirs _ FRIEND of ours came back weary and disgruntled the other day from a shopping expedition for some sheets and pillowcases. Of course there weren't any, and over a consolatory drink he told us his favorite war story which had to do, strangely enough, with the bed linen problem. (Or at least we like to think that was the problem.) It seems he met this girl in Hollywood, and during the pre- liminary maneuverings for con- versational position, she told how she had once been a secretary for a famous movie actor. She went out to this toy Eng- lish castle for a couple of days after she got the job, she said, and sat around waiting for some- thing to happen-trying mean- while, she said coyly, to avoid feeling like a kept woman in an Oriental fantasy. 'Firally, on the morning of the third day, a jaded-looking char- acter in a sunset red sport shirt and plaid trousers snorted in, grabbed her by the hand before she could resist, and told her she was to get her notebook and come with him to the radio sta- tion. It was, she presumed, her new boss. At least he told her to fol- low him around and whenever he said anything funny, and "for God's sake, to'copy it down in the notebook." Well, having survived, she came to work on the fourth day, girded for almost anything. But nothing happened until late after- noon when the housekeeper came in forlornly and asked her if she'd like to look around the house. The housekeeper being a' motherly- loking creature, this girl said she wouldn't mind at all, thanks. So the housekeeper showed her around through room after room looking like sets from Metro-Gold- wyn-Mayer, until finally they came to the linen closet. Here the housekeeper stopped with that proud woman gleam in her eye. Dramatically she flung open the door to reveal stacks of beautiful white sheets and pillow- cases. After a proud silent mo- ment, she pointed sadly to a tiny little stack down in one corner. "Not many of those left," she said bitterly. "They're the mono- grammed ones, and whenever the boss has a girl in to spend the night, she always takes one home for a souvenir." The girl said she quit the next morning. Our friend said he never did find out what her bed linen problem was, if any. Unity Annotation To All Those Thinking The Army-Navy Unifi- cation Will Not Bring About Sameness Of Thought: Admiral Nimitz, "A substantial forward step"; General Eisenhower, "A distinctive step forward"; Secre- tary Forrestal, "Me, too." "Pssst, Buddy . . Unabridged January Showme?" 7 Missouri Vs. Oklahoma TONIGHT'S game against the Oklahoma Sooners in Brewer Field House can be a deciding fac- tor in the race for the Big Six Conference championship, pro- vided the Tigers win. A loss to the Sooners would practically eliminate "Sparky" Stalcup's cag- ers from any hope of capturing the title in his first year as head basketball mentor at Missouri. The Bengals made a disaster- ous road trip through Iowa re- cently, losing a non-conference battle to Drake, 66-52, and a heart-breaking 54-52 affair to Iowa State, a sister team of the 8 Big Six. The Tigers loss to the Cyclones enabled Oklahoma, vic- torious over Kansas State the same night, to take over the top rung from Missouri in the confer- ence standing for the first time this season. Stopping Gerald Tucker, Sooner center and former All- American, will be the goal which "Sparky's" men will strive to achieve tonight. Tucker, in two games against the forces of Stal- cup, has scored a total of 49 points. Twenty-one of these points came in a conference clash at Norman last month when the Tigers were dropping a 57-43 de- cision, and the remaining 28 were scored in one of the games of the Big Six Conference Basket- ball Tournament held in Kansas City in the middle of December. Other Sooner stars include such outstanding players as former All- American guard Allie Paine, Dick Reich, Paul Merchant, Jack Lan- don, Courty and Pryor. Since our last encounter with SHOWME sports fans, the Ben- gals have dropped four of eight contests, two being to conference foes and the other two coming (Contismud on Page 18 ) PROBABLE STARTING LINE-UPS: Oklahoma Position Missouri Reich F Pippin Courty F Jenkins Tucker C Rudolph Paine G Lorrance Pryor G Smith Thornton Jenkins, Forward Pleasant Smith, Guard Bob Garwitz, Guard John Rudolph, Forward K-State Coach smokes up a storm in the fieldhouse. SCORE: FIRST HALF-M.U.O.U. SECOND HALF- FINAL- M.U. O.U. Gerald Tucker, Center Allie Paine, Guard Jack Land n, Guard Dick Reich, Forward "Dear Harry." By Charles Nelson Barnard DEAR Harry: I am writing you in Washing- ton because maybe you can help me. If you can't, I don't know who can, and God knows, I can use some help about now. Of course, Harry, I know you've got troubles of your own lately, but being as I used to be an old neighbor of yours, I figured you might give me some advice on how to get established at this here state university. As I men- tioned above, I've got more trouble than you got Republicans in Washington now, and from what we hear out here, that's plenty. Now Harry, as you know, I'm a veteran. I'm making an all- out try to take advantage of this here G.I. Bill of Rights, but they got more obstacles to it around here than you'd believe! - First off Harry, I wanted to find a place to live. They told me to go to a quonset hut at the west end of one of the principal build- ings and sign up. After checkin' tree bark for several hours to see which was is west, I .ind this here little quonset hut and enter. The girl inside is very nice, but Harry, she don't seem to under- stand my problem. Right off she says to me (before I got a breath- in' chance to ask a question) "Have you got your Permit to En- roll, Veteran's -Purchase Author- 10 ization, Registration Book, Certi- fied Copy of Discharge, or other evidence of separation, Certificate of Eligibility and Entitlement, and Form Number 1808?" To all of which I replied respectfully, "No, ma'am." Harry, I'm tellin' you, that woman had me plumb con- fused, and she wasn't through either. "Are you under Public Law 389 or 67? Were you registered prior to May 22d, 1942, and do you expect to be partially em- ployed during the coming semes- ter?" "Lady," I said, "I don't know what you're talkin' bout, but I come in here to get me a room." Her face dropped. "Why didn't you say so? That comes under the Department of Student Housing-right over there." She was pointing to another counter across the room on which there was a sign which. said, INFOR- MATION. I was oeginning to faith in signs rhat had that word, but I gave it a try. "Now then, sir, you want a room?" (Contumed on Page 19 ) Are You a B.M.O.C.? Identify these photos and prove that you get around. If you woke up from a stupor in one of these places would you know where you were?* ten points ten points fifteen points fifteen points twenty-five points twenty-five points ':Prize for high points . . . ten free beers. Murder in the Bible College By Ned Trimble An account of the most baff- ling case Inspector O'Flannigan ever encountered since the theft of seven hundred copies of the Missouri Student. 3 OG had settled quietly upon the City of Columbia one night in the Autumn of 1946. The fog had developed through some mal- function of the steam tables at Crowder Hall. Inspector O'Flan- nigan of the University Vice and Crime Department had just step- ped out of the library where he had been conducting research on the latest Ellery Queen epic. Crav- ing a spot of tea, he walked slow- ly toward the Ever-Eat. As he approached the Bible Col- lege, he noticed a tall, lean man standing in the doorway of that hallowed building. He watched the stranger take a long drag on a cigarette, flick it down the steps to the sidewalk, give a fur- tive glance to one side, pull his hat over his eyes and then run to catch the airport bus. O'Flannigan saw nothing par- ticularly unusual in this proce- dure, but his work had taught him to be observant of everything. As he passed in front of the Bible College, he noticed a heel print on the walk, apparently that of the man he had just seen. He stooped to examine it and found that it was made in blood! The stranger's discarded cigarette was 12 nearby. O'Flannigan extinguished it carefully and put it into his own pack. Then the inspector ascended the steps to the Bible College, thor- oughly scrutinizing every square- foot of the way. Being careful not to smear any fingerprints on the doorknob, he entered the hall and looked around. In an obscure corner the beam of his flashlight fell upon a large paper sack from which oozed a pool of blood. "Looks like some guy's been given da business," he said, being careful not to open his mouth. He had great admira- tion for Alan Ladd. Inspector O'Flannigan emptied the contents of the sack upon the floor (thoughtlessly, as Alan Ladd would have done it.) A com- plete inventory of everything that tumbled forth would be too lurid for description. Suffice it to say that the murdered had so com- pletely dismembered his victim that it was now virtually impos- sible to give a responsible account of even the various organs, much less the identity of the murdered person. O'Flannigan called Headquar- ters at once from a phone in the Bible College, giving his assistant a quick sketch of the crime and instructing him to bring over a fingerprinting kit and all the homicide equipment, including the latest copy of True Police Tales. He then called the local police station but got no answer. As he hung up the phone, his eyes fell on a note in the center of the desk at which he was sit- ting. He replaced his eyes hur- riedly and read the note: "Dear Karl: Please be good enough to have some one of my assistants take my classes. I have a feeling that I may never teach another class after today. I have a premonition that death will end my teaching career. Your friend, Horatio." O'Flannigan looked up from the note to find Glitsky, his as- sistant, reading over his shoulder. "I got this all figured out," said Glitsky at once. He lighted a cigarette, squinted his eyes, wrink- led his forehead, blew the smoke out through his teeth and spoke in a husky voice. (Humphry Bogart was his ideal.) "The stiff," said Glitsky, "is Horatio Wimpleton, one of the profs here. The note is written to Karl Schuetzlunger, another prof." He paused, pulled his tie away from his neck, took another drag on his cigarette and wiped his brow. "Wimpleton was at odds with another prof. He knew that this other prof was laying for him and that the jig was up. He left the note; they got him; here he is, and here we are," Glitsky con- cluded dramatically. "That's exactly how I figure it," said O'Flannigan with his mouth closed. "Our best bet is to wait here until the murderer returns to remove the sack of . that sack. The murderer isn't normal. From his discared cigar- ette I find that he smokes Chel- seas." They agreed to wait. After a short while, they saw a car silent- ly roll up to the curb. When it had unrolled, the same, tall man got out ana hurried up the steps to the Bible College. "That's the man I saw," whispered O'Flanni- gan as loud as he could with a closed mouth. "It's Professor Smellfungus," replied Glitsky. "Let's nail him as he comes in." Reaching for a sufficiency of ten penny nails and their hammers, they braced themselves. As the unsuspecting professor entered the hall they seized him, dragging him forcibly to the office where they tied him to a chair. The stunned professor finally regained his breath and gasped, "1 just came back for that sack of in- testines. What have I done to deserve this treatment?" "We know why you came back," barked Glitsky, squintinv his eyes, wrinkling his forehead and exhaling through his teeth. "Wl.y did you kill him?" "Kill whom?" At that moment, Horatio Wim- pleton, the assumed murdered man, walked into the office. "What are you doing here?" both men shouted. "Just collecting my personal equipment. I'm not teaching here any more." "Whadda ya mean?" questioned OFlannigan weakly. "My great uncle died yesterday, leaving me eight million dollars. Why should I teach?" "But this note?" "Oh, t h a t," Wimpleton laughed. "I left that here yester- day, knowing that my great uncle was not expected to live. But, why is Professor Smellfungus tied up that way?" "We thought he'd killed you and had left you in that sack of guts over there." "Oh heavens, no!" shuddered Wimpleton. He got -.ll that from the biology lab to take home to his cats. "Well, I'll be damned," they replied in unison, forgetting both Alan Ladd and Humphry Bogart. Spring Thoughts in English Lit A Shropshire Lad In the valleys of old Columbia Where the college students come Is the country for easy livers, The "partiest" under the sun. Rock of Ages Book of pages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in thee With thy cover and thy print Let's don't give my prof a hint That I'm bored as I can be An I long for nine-thirty! The Daffodils I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and meads When all at once-I saw a crowd! A host!-of gorgeous co-eds! Their skirts all blowing in the breeze! Canterbury Tales When that Aprille with his shoures sote The droughte of March hath perced to the rote Then longen colleg-e boyse goon to the Hinkson And specially from every clesses ende Of Campi to the Hinkson they wende, The pure sote coed-e for to seke, Her that owneth a form so sleeke. Faculty Votes to Discriminate Against Average Students 45,000 Limit On Registration Only "E" Students Will Be Allowed In Fall of '82 By Bill Streeter Columbia, May 21, 1982, (IP): Early this morning the Registrar's Office of the University of Missouri issued a statement for fall registra- tion in 1982. A ceiling of 45,000 registrants was set. Rigid entrance examinations would be inaugurated again next semester, according to John W. Mapleleaf, Jr., Reg- istrar at the University. Honor Students Only This plan would mean that 'E' and possibly 'S' stu- dents, only, would gain ad- mission. . Doctor Pushkin toyed with the dial of his time-recording machine. He nonchalantly set the tuning mechanism at the year 1981. On the screen before his eyes flashed a picture of an elderly couple. Doctor Pushkin had know them well. The man in the picture wore a faded jacket with a block "M" on it. His name was Brad- ley Michael O'Connor, better known in his collegiate days by his initials, B.M.O.C. The woman in the picture was his wife, Ade- lia, known in her maiden years of the pre-atomic era as Adelia Centralia. Doctor Pushkin could see that Bradley was greatly dis- turbed by some item which com- manded banner headlines on the ancient tribunal known as the COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN. (See Cut.) Having nothing bet- ter to do on this dull September afternoon, the Doctor decided to listen in on their conversation:- "It says here that they are going to limit the registration for 1982 to forty-five thousand at the old state university," Bradley mut- tered. "You'd think they'd have profited from the experience of the great registration of 1948," he added, looking to his wife for a glance of approval. "Wasn't that the year that Mr. Mapleleaf, the Registrar, decided that registration should be based upon a competitive scholastic basis in order to raise the standards and also limit the number of regis- trants?" responded Adelia with a reminiscent gleam. "Oh, how I hate to think of what dastardly plan to over-run the school with intelligentsia!" he bellowed dramatically. "Only 'E' and 'S' students were allowed to return that fall . . and the fresh- man class - nothing but quiz kids," he added bitterly. "The uni- versity was transformed into an educational obstacle course. Both students and professors became grade-happy," he reminded him- self. Bradley remained thoughtful for a moment as he tried to re- construct in his mind the chain of events which followed registra- tion. Suddenly the whole pic- ture came back to him. "The competition became more keen as the semester progressed," he said in a recollecting tone. "The less fortunate 'S' students were forced to cheat just a little bit harder. Ponies, large enough for saddles, became part and par- cel of the lower forms of intel- lectual aristocrats," he reminded Adelia with a sorrowful throb in his voice. "Remember how all the tradi- tions were overlooked in the mad scramble for grades," Adelia re- minded him. "Yes," he replied, "Everything that we held dear was swept aside. The Dixie and the Shack were forced to close their doors for want of customers. Beer became a mere four-letter word used in completing cross-word puzzles. The magic of its name had gone. Instead, black coffee and aspirin became the diet of 'E' hungry students." "Yes," Adelia added, "The cam- pus never quite recovered from the change, By the end of the first semester, the situation had reached a pathetic state. Phi Beta Kappa keys were as common as ruptured ducks. Any male stu- dent without a zoot-chain full of honorary keys was considered an (Costinsed on Page 213 ) 15 Missouri Vs. Oklahoma . (Conwiid from Page .8 ) at the hands of the first and sec- ond place teams of the Missouri Valley Conference: St. Louis and Drake, respectively. They have outscored Nebraska, Kansas State (twice), and a non-conference team, Washington U. of St. Louis. Another game which depends on just how far the Tigers will go in the conference race was the battle against the Cornhuskers of Nebraska on the latter's home court. This game had not been played prior to this writing, but one thing is certain and that is that our Tigers had a battle on their hands as these same Corn- huskers opened the campaign by upsetting Oklahoma 44-41. In a game earlier in the season, the Nebraska team lost a 47-41 deci- sion to our Tigers here on the Brewer Field House Court. Missouri fans will be getting their first look at the Tiger's new center, 6 foot 8 inch Don Strout, formerly of Bradley Tech. Tech, a small college in Peoria, Ill., turns out one of the best basketball teams of the country year after year. Strout transfer- red to Missouri from that school at mid semester, and if he and John Rudolph can stop Tucker to- night, the Tigers will have a chance to regain the top rung in the conference standings. Missouri followers are hoping that Jenkins, Pippin :ind Lorrance have them "on" tonight in order to pull the Tigers through to vic- tory. It was very evident that these three scoring leaders of the M.U. squad were way off on their shooting in the 57-43 engage- ment at Norman last month. Lorrance and Pleasant Smith, the two ball-hawks of the Ben- gals, should be in usual form to- night and it is possible that they will be able -to slow down the fast-moving Oklahoma offensive tactics. Whatever the outcome may be, we know that the large crowd assembled in the Field House will see two of the best teams, not only of the Big Six, but of the Mid- west, competing against each other. May the best team win! -Bill Henderson. A local meat counter bears the fol- lowing message: Wanted at Once 3 Room Apartment We have no dogs, cats, or Baby's And Don't Have Any Booz Parties See. . What's the use of living? "Shay, lady, you're the homeliest woman I ever saw." "Well, you're the drunkest man I ever saw." "I know, lady, but 'I'll get over it by morning." "Ah. my dear! the oyster cried "WVe'll soon be in an awful stew- To the lady bivalve at his side, But it'll be fun to get stewed with you!" "That's our general superintendent, son of the president; he began at the bottom and worked up. Started in as an elevator boy, right after he left college." "How long ago was that." "Oh, he graduated last June." Dear Harry. (Contsused from Page 10 ) "Yes, ma'am." "Are you married or single?" "Single ma'am." (You notice, Harry, how nice and respectful I was.) "But our records show that you are married." "No ma'am, I'm not." "And that you have two chil- dren." "I'm single, ma'am." "How could you be and have two children?" "I ain't got no children, ma am!" "What happened to them?" "Nothing, ma'am." "Then you must still have them." "If you insist, ma'am," I final- ly said, figuring that it wouldn't mitter much whether I had the kids or not. "Well, I'm sorry, but we have nothing available for married vet- erans with two children right now. Would you like to sign the priority waiting list?" I said that I would, whereupon she handed me a card to sign, which I did, and then she rubber- stamped a very large number and a date on the corner. The date said "September, 1954." "What's that date?" I asked. "That is the E.D.O." "E.D.O.?" "Yes; Estimated Date of Oc- cupancy. If our shipment of door- knobs comes in on time, you can move in for the Fall Semester, 1954." H.R. Mueller Florist Puckett's Mens Wear Paul Allen's Flowers J.B. Simpson, Inc. "But, I will be graduated by then," I said modestly "In that case, we will be forced under provisions of Public Law 7303, as amended, to consider your graduation a breach of con- trace on your part ." She was still talkin' when I left, Harry, and I still ain't got a room. But, that's riot the worst of my problems (the way things was soon to turn out) 'cause when i applied for my money, I got a letter back sayin' somethin' like this: "Dear Sir (I ,urss *y didn't know I was only an EM in the Army.) "Our records indicate that you were deceased on 4 Feb- ruary, 1944, at Anzio, Italy, and that you are therefore ineligible to receive bene- fits under the G.I. Bill of Rights. Pension checks are l-Ving mailed monthly to your wife and two children. Any inquiry regarding your status should be addressed to the Graves Registration Bureau." Well Harry, imagine how I felt when I got that! Here I am now: I can't get a room without some money; I can't get my money 'til I present evidence of being alive and enrolled in the University; and, they won't en- roll me 'til I can show that I have a room. I hate to impose on our friend- ship this way, Harry, but I figured you'd be in a position to see the proper people around Washington for me. Until you do, I am in one hell of a mess. Respectfully, Silas Chonk. "Dear Mr. Chonk: Your recent letter has been directed to the attention of this office for action. Our files indicate that un- der provisions of Public Law 16,301 you are ineligible for Terminal Leave Pay, inas- much as your present enlist- ment will not be up until 17 March, 1950. Under these conditions, it is imperative that you report at once to your parent or- ganization for duty. Very truly yours, etc." From COLUMBIAN MISSOUR- IAN: The body of Silas Chonk was removed from the Hink- son Creek early this morning. Army authorities in Toyko reported that M. Chonk, a University student, had been absent without leave since early in 1943. According to University housing officials, Mr. Chonk is survived by a wife and two children. All efforts to con- tact them have thus far failed, however. CENTRAL DAIRY A TESTIMONIAL by Carl I. Huss University of Mo. Columbia, Mo. General Mgr. Smello Soap Company Some City, U.S.A. Gentlemen: 2HE advertisers tell the pub- lic that their soaps will remove B.O.; will not make one sneeze; will do the washing without as- sistance; will clean undies with- out wear or tear; and a dozen other miraculous things. Maybe they're right. I don't know; I don't care. I am merely address- ing this open letter to you gentle- men to whom I owe my life. I'm taking no reimbursement for this testimonal, but it would be nice if you would send me one of those battalion-size cakes of your product. You know, the convenient, handy-dandy, tank- sized bar transportable by any ten-ton truck. Now for my story. Mom was kept busy brushing her teeth with NEONA-swish, swish and your gleaming ivories cry, "just look at us sparkle, sparkle;" checking her clothing for gaposis; and eating a heaping bowl of .()0)(003' (In a recent, impartial test two hun- dred and eighty-six moronic chem- ists with master's degrees from M.I.T. found, after an exhaustive ten-year study, that these bran flakes contained less bran than any other bran flakes on the market.) If she wasn't busy with these musts" she was admiring her "'Frankly, Reverend, I'm a little worried about myself." Stringoed hair; writing with her pen and right arm submerged in a bucket of water; lighting up a Dromedary cigarette or a Bleached Crow cigar; patting her armpits with Shhhhhh (Just step up to the counter and exhale for our product); sipping Blockbusters; and sticking out her lower lip and blowing upward so that her breath entered her nostrils as a check for halitosis. (You should see the Ubangi lip she got from this practice.) Naturally, she had no time to do her housework. On the other hand, Pop was so busy doing Mom's housework that he had no time to follow the com- mercials; consequently, he looked like a composite picture of the three guys in a hair tonic adver- tisement. His face had a fort- night shadow and his smile looked like the open end of a diesel ex- haust pipe. Take the contents of a dime store perfume counter, the Kan- sas City stockyards at high noon any August day, and a glue fac- tory going full blast. Next imagaine ten-thousand in- fantrymen who have been march- ing all day under a hot tropical "I tell ya, it'll knock your eyes out." Faculty Votes . (Contised from Page 15 ) intellectual slob. Anyone not wearing horn-rimmed glasses was thought to be travelling incognito. The final blow came when the Brown Derby was turned into a hat store." "And how the athletic plant suffered," moaned Bradley as he looked dejectedly at his now- faded M-Man's jacket. "Stankow- ski's intra-mural program (except for ping-pong and basketball free- throws) met a sudden death. Var- sity athletics met a similar fate. All sports, except late afternoon practice in Advanced Snooker, were scratched from the univer- sity calendar. In despiration Don Faurot tried to revive interest in athletics. He staged an extrava- ganza which featured schuffle- board, chess, and sweat-sock mend- ing at Brewer Field House in mid- March. Alas, no one came! The glorious history of Missouri's great teams of the past became a mere statistical outlet for demonstrating Professor Hartkemeier's random fluctuations. Finally, poor Don could stand it no longer. He de- cided that he had nothing more to offer Old Mizzou. In early April he heartily accepted the comparatively rugged job of in- structing Modern Folk Dance at Stephens College." Adelia pondered for a moment in a melancholy mood. ANDERSON'S HARDWARE & ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES THE OASIS Lamb's 'The Hinkson," she cried, "be- came nothing more than a huge geology lab. Nothing remained to remind us of its better days. The spring afternoons held none of their former charm. Gone were the beer bottles . . gone were the blankets. Instead, one could find only eager students scurrying from rock to rock, trying to corner the fossil market, or possibly an over- worked lab instructor dragging his butterfly net behind him. "It couldn't go on," Bradley shouted, as he made a dramatic sweep of his hand. "Something had to be done about it. The alumns from St. Louis and Kansas City were completely ashamed of their school. Many of them stooped so low as to claim K.U. as their alma mater rather than be associated with any state-subsi- dized diploma factory. A radi- Picture of man who got the'hiccups in the shack. cal change was necessary. Pres- sure was brought to bear on Mr. Mapleleaf, the Registrar. As a result of this move, he announced the notorious 'Plan B' which was to cover registration in the fall of 1949. The scholastic restric- tions were to be removed. How- ever, the total number of regis- trants was to be limited to seven thousand. The plan was to be carried out on a 'First come first served' basis. It would be revolu- tionary, chaotic, absolutely with- out precedent . " At this point the time-recording machine went blank. The screen appeared to be a muddled blur, and the conversation of Bradley and Adelia became an unintel- ligible mumble. Doctor Pushkins fumed and fumbled-but to no avail. He knew what the trouble was. The filament in the master- atomic tube of his time-recording machine had burned out again. This filament was a rare sub- stance. It was made of fresh Show-Me covers beaten to a pulp, mixed with stale beer, and allowed to dry overnight. The machine could be repaired, but it would be at least another month before the next edition arrived. The Doc faintly remembered the hectic events connected with the regis- tration of 1949. With juvenile curiosity he looked forward to hearing an eye-witness account of the pandemonium which pre- vailed in that fateful year. TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT ISSUE * * * LOOK FOR "THE '49'ERS" "For goodness sake," she signed as she wearily trudged home from an auto ride. neff's date and candy shop SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS BARTH CLOTHING COMPANY, Inc. MISS URI TELEPHONE COMPANY sun. Cut the twenty thousand feet off the foot-soldiers at the ankles and throw them, including shoes and socks, into a huge vat where they should simmer for a day, at least. Combine this mix- ture with the one above and you have a faint idea of Pop's breath. Even his best friends wouldn't tell him-they couldn't get with- in shouting distance. As I said, Pop did all the house- work. One Saturday when I was eleven weeks old Pop was giving me my weekly bath in the sink- he always washed me while doing the dishes, thus killing two birds with one stone-when he was called to the phone. He left me in the dishpan. There I was with nothing on but the water faucet, and it was running slowly. For a few minutes I had fun biting the bubbles and diving thru the cup handles; however, I soon became exhausted. Panicky, I looked around. There was no place to go but down. Down I went once. Up to the surface, down again twice. Up, and then, gentlemen, I spotted your product, the soap that saved my life. I, do hereby solemnly swear that I owe my life to your product. Yes sir, gentlemen, on that day I was saved by a bar of FLOAT- ING SMELLO soap, which I clung to until Pop returned. I remain cleaningly yours, Abner Maelstrom. "Hey," cried Satan to a new arrival, "You act as though you owned this place!" "I do," came the reply, "my wife gave it to me before I came." An artist's daughter Is Sally Kline, She knows just where To draw the line. She: Look at all the homes whiskey has wrecked. He: Look at all ships water has wrecked. To be found at Stephens: girls with blue eyes and green backs. Mother: What are the young man's intentions? Coed: Well, he's keeping me pretty much in the dark. There's the sagging skin of a rhino, The pendulous stern of a coot, But from here to Wrangle There's nothing can dangle Like a trap-door union suit. "Why is it you go steady with her?" "Oh, she's different from the other girls." "How's that?" "Well, she'll go with me." Wise Guy (boarding the street car): "Well, Noah, is the Ark full?" Conductor: "Nope, we need one more jackass; come on in." CHARLIE'S CAFE Esser Drug Store Uptown McQUITTY QUICK PRINTERS Five-year-old youngster: "Daddy, can I have a nickel for an ice cream cone?" M. U. Vet. Father: "No, shut up and drink your beer." Some girls are like paint: Get them stirred up and you can't get them off your hands. "Afraid?" "Not if you take that cigar out of your mouth." "I guess I've lost another pupil," said the professor, as his glass eye rolled down the kitchen sink. "That's a nice boy," said the visitor as little Bobby picked up his scattered toys. "I expect your mother has pro- mised you something if you clean up the room." "You mean if I don't!" he cor- rected. Her names "Checkers" because she jumped every time you made the wrong move. We heard about the tipsy pre-med the other night who called up Dr. Wasserman of national fame and when the good doctor answered the phone our inebriated friend said, "Hello, is this Dr. Wasserman? The voice said, "Yes." Our friend said, Are you positive?" -The Pointer Old man: I've got seven children, thirty-nine grand-children, and twen- ty-two great-grandchildren. Visitor: Well, now, isn't that won- derful! Old man: Yes, ain't it. And there ain't one of them I'd wipe my feet on. "I'm half loco." "That's all right. I'm half English." Another thing that helps make the country safe is when a jury is locked up for the night. They went for a ride and all she did was shake her head. After sixty-three miles she told me her nose was caught in the windshield wiper. * "No, I can't see you on Thursday. I am going to be operated on, and I'll he sewed up the rest of the week." * "Why don't you answer the phone?" "It's not ringing." "Must you wait till the last mo- ment?" * "Has your dog a pedigree?" "If he could talk, he wouldn't talk to either of us." He was just out of college and back in civilian clothes. "Where do you think you're going," said the dog as another fled past him, "to a fire hydrant?" "I've got a lot of electricity in my hair." "I don't doubt it. You always have shocking things on your mind." A girl slaps a boys face, not to hurt his feeling, but to stop them. She: Why do you call me serial? He: Because you quit when you get to the most interesting part. Said one nudist to another: "I think we've been seeing too much of each other." There was a man named Beebe, Who wished to wed a gal named Phoebe. Said he, "I must see what the clerical fee be Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebe." In Honolulu I loved a lass With eyes of brown and skirts of grass. I thought she loved me to you see, But I was wrong, alack alas, She wore a sign that clearly said: "KEEP OFF THE GRASS." One thing about a wandering glance-it doesn't get slapped. Frozen Gold Ice Cream GRANT'S SPORTING GOODS Tea-Berry "You Can't Take It With You" Did you hear about the M. U. stu- dent who turned in the following as the principal parts of a Latin verb: "Slippeo, slippere, falli, bumptus." The returned paper contained the fol- lowing corrections: "Failo, failere, flunco, suspendum." I WONDER WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE "SHOWME GIRL" CONTEST ? a Ode to a Coed Bleating cries of forced delight Morning, evening, noon and night, Switching gaily down the hall, Mooning, flirting, fondling all. Sweater curves - a bit off-cen- ter- Are a puzzle to your mentor. Tho' bustle sin the rear aie fine Your fronts should boast a Na- tional Line. The mould from which your minds all came Turns out thousands, - all the same, The guardian of the mould; a loon In an upturned cavern of the moon. -Yorlik. There is a story of a Mid-west farmer who learned that Ford paid enormous sums for shipment of tin to be used in the manufacture of the new marvel. He stripped all the tin roofing from his barn and sent it to the factory at Detroit. A week later he received the follow- ing message: "Although your car was in very bad condition we shall be able to complete repairs and have the car at your dis- posal the first of the month." LANDLADY EXPECTS BABY. Male student must vacate! Need room by Feb. last. References furnish- ed. Classified ad, MISSOURIAN We should hope so. I DON'T kMNOW BUT I JUST PUT ALL I HAD ON A BLONDE THAT JUST PASSED! "All this stuff you read in college magazines is a bunch of hooey. I'm a college girl and I haven't smoked, necked, or drunk beer yet." "How long you been in college?" "I just registered." There's one girl that I just worship the ground her father struck oil on. GREYHOUND COFFEE SHOP Columbia Beauty Clinic Well, Aren't you going to thank me tor tossing you the soap? THE FARM Chesterfield Cigarettes