Missouri Showme March, 1947Missouri Showme March, 194720081947/03image/jpegPublications & Alumni CommunicationsThese pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information.Missouri Showme Magazine CollectionUniversity of Missouri Digital Library Production ServicesColumbia, Missouri108show194703Missouri Showme March, 1947; by Students of the University of MissouriColumbia, MO 1947
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Missouri Showme
March 1947
20 cents
Camel Cigarettes
THIS MONTH'S COVER
1 EITHER the editors of
Showme nor Mort Walker him-
self, whose art work was respon-
sible for the cover of the Girl
Issue of the magazine, had it in
mind at the.time of dreaming up
the picture that any such true-to-
life female resembling the one so
avidly ignoring her skirts batting
in the breeze could possible exist
in Columbia.
However, one has the idea that
were the situation confronted that
it would work out just about as
the artist has portrayed it.
Wind is a good subject for a
March magazine, and an equally
good one in any month for a col-
lege publication, because there is
never a dearth of wind around
the columns.
As for our artist, it is Mort's
second visit to the front cover, his
first since the use of four colors
has become the rule. Mort is
also responsible for the work done
on the page inside announcing the
Showme girl contest. Also (and
we mention this in a whisper)
Mort's pen drew the celebrated
cartoon of last month which did
not appear in the magazine.
Missouri
Showme
WINDY FEATURES
THE SHOWME GIRL CONTEST-Clip the ballot
from page two and send in your choice for the
Showme Girl. The only contest of its sort in which
YOU are the final judges.
MISSOURI VS. OKLAHOMA-With only the
Kansas game remaining, the Tiger cagemen wind up
a very successful basketball season, keeping top posi-
tion almost all the way.
DEAR HARRY-An open letter to the man from
Missouri from a man in Missouri.
PHOTO CONTEST-Win yourself some free beer
by proving your campus knowledge.
STAFF
DAVE McINTYRE, Editor
DAVE BOWER FRANK HASH
TED WEEGAR Advertising Director
Editors emeritus
DON MILLER MORT WALKER
Associate Editor Assistant Editor
PHIL SPARANO CLYDE HOSTETTER
Business Mgr. Photo Editor
BILL STREETER LOUISE STARK
Promotion Director Modeling Director
RANDY MITCHELL
Adv. Art Director
Advertising Staff: Liz Greening, Bill Gray, Bob
Summers, Jean Moon, Frank Lewis.
Art Staff: Bill Gabriel, Flash Fairfield, Otto
Press.
The Jacqueline
Shop
Town Baedeker
In the near-season, we may be
dropping in on some splendid
Broadway productions.
Our little Columbia will have
for our theatrical choice: Green
Grow the Lilacs (as presented by
the Missouri Work Shop March
11-15), which New Yorkers
know as the smash musicale Okla-
homa!, and two offerings by the
ace comedy playwrights, Kaufman
and Hart-The Man Who Came
to Dinner (by the Columbia
Players early in April) and You
Can't Take It With You (by the
Burrall Drama organization-
soon).
So much for the entertainment
packet from the East. Now to
look at what is heading our way
from the West-with the Holly-
wood postmark.
A wild and wooly Western for
one-The Plainsman and the
Lady. We who are right plunk
in the center of the "Show-Me"
state may have forgotten the Mis-
souri sons who did their bit to
open the famous pony-express line
between Sacramento and St. Joe
but Hollywood hasn't and tells
their story in The Plainsmen and
the Lady, mixing in to the nar-
rative much gunfire, plenty of
Indians, murderous villians, noble
cowboys and stampeding buffaloes.
Humroesque is another film
that will splash a local screen
soon and it tells the tale of how a
certain party (as played by Joan
Crawford) took one last stiff
drink and walked right into the
ocean. Possible motivation for
why the lady took hers straight
and then jumped into the chaser
is John Garfield. As the plot
contends, his sullen, deadpan love-
making might very well drive any
high-strung damsel to speedy self-
destruction.
The Dark Mirror, soon here
too, has Lew Ayres falling in love
with two Olivia de Havillands. A
thriller mystery more diverting
than most, The Dark Mirror spins
a yarn about girl twins, one a
knife-wielding murderess and the
other one not. The baffled police
cannot get a murder indictment
without knowing for certain
which girl has the unbreakable
alibi. The twins themselves
aren't talking. Man who contri-
butes much to the picture's fast
paced suspense is Director Robert
Siodmak, who is making a fairly
regular habit of getting his name
associated with hit mysteries (ie:
The Spiral Staircase, The Killers).
That's Columbia's pleasure bud-
get for the near now and a pretty
fair one it seems to be.
-Pat Ryan.
Returned soldier: "While in a
famous city in Arabia I met a very
pretty native girl."
Dad: "Mecca?"
Returned soldier: "You know me,
Dad. I never fail with a frail."
Heard on the Hinkson:
She Oh, doesn't Orion look nice
tonight?
He: Boy, these Irishmen get
around, don't they?
Harzfeld's
Elect the
Showme Girl for '47
The only all school beauty contest in which YOU
are the judge. Any girl from Stephens, Christian, or
the University is Eligible. Anyone can vote. All
you need is the ballot on this page. There are no
nominations. No red tape. No movie stars, band
leaders, or businessmen make the selection. YOU
are the only judges.
#6o q0W.'
ONE: Think of the slickest
chick you know.
TWO: Write her name on the
ballot below.
THREE: Drop it in the ballot
box in Jesse Hall, Read Hall,
212 Neff Hall, Christian or
Stephens Bookstores, or mail
it to Showme, 212 Neff.
FOUR: Get your friends to
vote for the girl you want to
see win.
FIVE: CONTEST CLOSES
MIDNIGHT, March 10,
1947.
SIX: No box-tops needed.
THE LUCKY GIRL GETS . . . .
Her Picture in SHOWME. . .
A screen test opportunity. . .
Fame. . . . Fortune. . . . Any-
thing else we're not responsible
for. . .
Around The Columns
Ou?
Les etudiants se demandent ou
prendre des numeros supplemen-
taires du Showme? On n'a qu'a
le demander au 212 Salon du
Neff, ou l'on se fera un plaisir de
vous en vendre a prix raisonnable.
Girls, Girls, Girls
ELECTION of queens being a
characteristic and favorite pastime
of organizations at the Univer-
sity, we felt to be included in
things we too must have our
Guivevere, our prima donna.
We felt, however, the import-
ance of making this a reader's
choice, rather than calling in a
so-called expert's opinion, or leav-
ing it to the discretion of a chosen
few. Every man is in his own
right the best judge of beauty,
and though many will coincide in
their opinions, one feels that it
is an imposition to be told out-
right that this girl or that one
is the beauty.
And there is the feminine point
of view itself which should not
be overlooked. In our opinion
women's suffrage in the matter of
electing one of their number as
the representative of their sex is
as important as in electing city
or state officials.
Our contest, then, is an open
one, in which each man has a
right to vote for the one he
chooses, be it the girl who sits next
to him in Economics lectures or
the sweet young thing who rides
the City bus in the morning.
As an added feature, somewhat
in the form of reward, the winner,
the Showme Girl, whose pictures
will appear in the next issue of
the magazine, will have the
chance, if she so chooses to make
a screen test in Movieland. Where
it will all end, of course, depends
largely on the girl, her ambitions,
and the weather in California,
which has about as much to do
with the rise and fall of film
careers as any other factor.
New Star
WITH the enrollment mercury
again bubbling over the ten thou-
sand mark, knowledge seekers of
that number who have made the
pilgrimage to Columbia are start-
ing again, or in some cases on
a maiden voyage, into the realms
of textbooks, tests, and tattered
nerves.
The lack of decrease' in num-
bers signifies that the spring will
be as cozy as the fall and winter,
in lines in front of theaters and
restaurants as long, and .an un-
crowded spot as hard to find.
However, the *revitilized appear-
ances of those enjoying respite
after the recent campaign with
final examinations, and the fresh,
unscarred countenances of the
new.seekers of wisdom, adds more
than a passing note of optimism
to the prospect of the coming
months.
Spring brings many things to
the University campus, a new
life, a blossoming of social events,
and a general shedding of winter
conservatism and heavy clothing.
To the newest arrivals, Showme
adds its voice in greeting. Time
alone will add those worried lines
and harried looks which will class
you as a student of the Univer-
sity . Like the old Alaskan sour-
dough says, however, "Y'ain't one
of us until you've gone through
a bookstore line, attempted to peti-
tion from a course, and spit in
the Hinkson."
5
Disposal
THE fate of the two pages
missing in last month's issue is in
itself an interesting point. After
having been somewhat hurriedly
deleted from the inside of the
magazine, these celebrated scraps
of paper presented a problem of
disposal which took the concerted
effort of all the members of the
staff to solve.
The question was whether to
suffer the pangs of watching one's
handiwork go up in flame or to
do with them something which
would be yet constructive despite
the stigma stamped on their char-
acter. And being ever on the
side of contributive action, we
deemed it wisest to donate the
pages to the stockpile of a danger-
ously small national paper sup-
ply. The sheets were therefore
bundled and secretly placed with
some piles of old newspapers
which were to go to the processors
for remanufacture into clean white
paper again on which could be
written more material.
In our imagination, however,
we could not help but wonder at
the possibility of the paper short-
age being suddenly resolved, and
the need for our expurgated ma-
terial being gone, these "objec-
tionable" cartoons finding their
way to a dark, seldom-visited cor-
ner of a ragman's warehouse
where they would not be noticed
6
again until we happened in the
place some twenty years from now
and found them.
We can vizualize the nostalgia
of such a reunion, and we are
also quite sure that the tempest-
in-a-teapot theme of the whole
drama would provide even at that
late date some chuckles.
Line Up
_LONG with Billy Rose's
scheme to unionize the sheep
parading you into sleep after that
fifteenth cup of coffee at the Eat
Mor, we think the people who
stand in line at theaters should
be organized.
Of course, this will call for
strict registration on the part of
the leaders of all those behind
them, but if a man is eager enough
to be the first at the box office,
he certainly has enough energy to
collect all the names and ad-
dresses.
We'll call this union TAS, if
you don't mind, and adopt John
("Who Only Stand") Milton as
patron saint and honorary firster-
in-liner. TAS, of course, stands
for "They Also Serve," which we
think kind of gives the whole
thing an intellectual slant. It's
the sort of name you'd expect of
a colloge crowd, and it ought to
appeal even to those sons of mem-
bers of the N.A.M. among us.
Members will get cards en-
titling them to stand by the Up-
town one night and the Missouri
or Hall the next, which means
the cards will have to be num-
bered A, B, or C. Then, of course,
the first or second show is an im-
portant thing to have listed. That
will force us to sub-number the
cards 1 or 2.
Married unioners will have this
data on their cards, and will be
allowed to have their wives stand
with them in line. Unmarried
men who want to take a date to
the show will have to get special
permission unless the girl is also
a union member.
If done right, this union ought
to relieve the congestion in front
of all theaters, since the card will
determine definitely whether the
man may stand for the first show
at the Missouri, or will have to
wait for the nine o'clock run at
the Hall.
As a special organizer, we'll
have Charlie Ridgway. We'll cast
him another key, bigger than any
of his others, and hire a small boy
to walk beside him and carry it.
He will write long stories for the
Student, beginning and ending
each paragraph with the words,
"Fellow standers, unite! You
have nothing to lose but your
corns."
Straight
WE chanced to hear a couple of
reporters in the Missourian news
room the other day discussing
telephone calls that sometimes
come in, requesting information
about everything from the circum-
ference of the moon to the aver-
age rainfall in Lower Mongolia.
Desk-man Thomas L. Fergu-
son entered the conversation to
relate this incident which, he in-
sisted, actually happened to him.
While working for the Des
Moines Register several years ago,
he answered the telephone one
evening and a man's voice said:
"Say, we're having a little poker
game, and we're all pretty new
at it. Wonder if you could tell
us which is higher-two pair, or
three of a kind?"
"Why, yes," Mr. Ferguson re-
plied. "Three of a kind is the
better hand."
"Two pair? Thanks a lot," the
man answered, and hung up.
Souvenirs
_ FRIEND of ours came back
weary and disgruntled the other
day from a shopping expedition
for some sheets and pillowcases.
Of course there weren't any, and
over a consolatory drink he told
us his favorite war story which
had to do, strangely enough, with
the bed linen problem. (Or at
least we like to think that was the
problem.)
It seems he met this girl in
Hollywood, and during the pre-
liminary maneuverings for con-
versational position, she told how
she had once been a secretary for
a famous movie actor.
She went out to this toy Eng-
lish castle for a couple of days
after she got the job, she said,
and sat around waiting for some-
thing to happen-trying mean-
while, she said coyly, to avoid
feeling like a kept woman in an
Oriental fantasy.
'Firally, on the morning of the
third day, a jaded-looking char-
acter in a sunset red sport shirt
and plaid trousers snorted in,
grabbed her by the hand before
she could resist, and told her
she was to get her notebook and
come with him to the radio sta-
tion.
It was, she presumed, her new
boss. At least he told her to fol-
low him around and whenever he
said anything funny, and "for
God's sake, to'copy it down in the
notebook."
Well, having survived, she
came to work on the fourth day,
girded for almost anything. But
nothing happened until late after-
noon when the housekeeper came
in forlornly and asked her if she'd
like to look around the house. The
housekeeper being a' motherly-
loking creature, this girl said she
wouldn't mind at all, thanks.
So the housekeeper showed her
around through room after room
looking like sets from Metro-Gold-
wyn-Mayer, until finally they
came to the linen closet.
Here the housekeeper stopped
with that proud woman gleam in
her eye. Dramatically she flung
open the door to reveal stacks of
beautiful white sheets and pillow-
cases. After a proud silent mo-
ment, she pointed sadly to a tiny
little stack down in one corner.
"Not many of those left," she
said bitterly. "They're the mono-
grammed ones, and whenever the
boss has a girl in to spend the
night, she always takes one home
for a souvenir."
The girl said she quit the next
morning. Our friend said he never
did find out what her bed linen
problem was, if any.
Unity
Annotation To All Those
Thinking The Army-Navy Unifi-
cation Will Not Bring About
Sameness Of Thought: Admiral
Nimitz, "A substantial forward
step"; General Eisenhower, "A
distinctive step forward"; Secre-
tary Forrestal, "Me, too."
"Pssst, Buddy . . Unabridged January Showme?"
7
Missouri Vs. Oklahoma
TONIGHT'S game against
the Oklahoma Sooners in Brewer
Field House can be a deciding fac-
tor in the race for the Big Six
Conference championship, pro-
vided the Tigers win. A loss to
the Sooners would practically
eliminate "Sparky" Stalcup's cag-
ers from any hope of capturing
the title in his first year as head
basketball mentor at Missouri.
The Bengals made a disaster-
ous road trip through Iowa re-
cently, losing a non-conference
battle to Drake, 66-52, and a
heart-breaking 54-52 affair to
Iowa State, a sister team of the
8
Big Six. The Tigers loss to the
Cyclones enabled Oklahoma, vic-
torious over Kansas State the
same night, to take over the top
rung from Missouri in the confer-
ence standing for the first time
this season.
Stopping Gerald Tucker,
Sooner center and former All-
American, will be the goal which
"Sparky's" men will strive to
achieve tonight. Tucker, in two
games against the forces of Stal-
cup, has scored a total of 49
points. Twenty-one of these
points came in a conference clash
at Norman last month when the
Tigers were dropping a 57-43 de-
cision, and the remaining 28 were
scored in one of the games of
the Big Six Conference Basket-
ball Tournament held in Kansas
City in the middle of December.
Other Sooner stars include such
outstanding players as former All-
American guard Allie Paine, Dick
Reich, Paul Merchant, Jack Lan-
don, Courty and Pryor.
Since our last encounter with
SHOWME sports fans, the Ben-
gals have dropped four of eight
contests, two being to conference
foes and the other two coming
(Contismud on Page 18 )
PROBABLE STARTING LINE-UPS:
Oklahoma Position Missouri
Reich F Pippin
Courty F Jenkins
Tucker C Rudolph
Paine G Lorrance
Pryor G Smith
Thornton Jenkins, Forward
Pleasant Smith, Guard
Bob Garwitz, Guard
John Rudolph, Forward
K-State Coach smokes up a
storm in the fieldhouse.
SCORE:
FIRST HALF-M.U.O.U.
SECOND HALF-
FINAL-
M.U.
O.U.
Gerald Tucker, Center
Allie Paine, Guard
Jack Land n, Guard
Dick Reich, Forward
"Dear Harry."
By Charles Nelson Barnard
DEAR Harry:
I am writing you in Washing-
ton because maybe you can help
me. If you can't, I don't know
who can, and God knows, I can
use some help about now. Of
course, Harry, I know you've got
troubles of your own lately, but
being as I used to be an old
neighbor of yours, I figured you
might give me some advice on
how to get established at this
here state university. As I men-
tioned above, I've got more
trouble than you got Republicans
in Washington now, and from
what we hear out here, that's
plenty.
Now Harry, as you know, I'm
a veteran. I'm making an all-
out try to take advantage of this
here G.I. Bill of Rights, but they
got more obstacles to it around
here than you'd believe! -
First off Harry, I wanted to find
a place to live. They told me to
go to a quonset hut at the west
end of one of the principal build-
ings and sign up. After checkin'
tree bark for several hours to see
which was is west, I .ind this here
little quonset hut and enter.
The girl inside is very nice, but
Harry, she don't seem to under-
stand my problem. Right off she
says to me (before I got a breath-
in' chance to ask a question)
"Have you got your Permit to En-
roll, Veteran's -Purchase Author-
10
ization, Registration Book, Certi-
fied Copy of Discharge, or other
evidence of separation, Certificate
of Eligibility and Entitlement, and
Form Number 1808?" To all of
which I replied respectfully, "No,
ma'am." Harry, I'm tellin' you,
that woman had me plumb con-
fused, and she wasn't through
either.
"Are you under Public Law
389 or 67? Were you registered
prior to May 22d, 1942, and do
you expect to be partially em-
ployed during the coming semes-
ter?"
"Lady," I said, "I don't know
what you're talkin' bout, but I
come in here to get me a room."
Her face dropped. "Why
didn't you say so? That comes
under the Department of Student
Housing-right over there." She
was pointing to another counter
across the room on which there
was a sign which. said, INFOR-
MATION. I was oeginning to
faith in signs rhat had that word,
but I gave it a try.
"Now then, sir, you want a
room?"
(Contumed on Page 19 )
Are You a B.M.O.C.?
Identify these photos and prove
that you get around. If you woke
up from a stupor in one of these
places would you know where
you were?*
ten points
ten points
fifteen points
fifteen points
twenty-five points
twenty-five points
':Prize for high points . . . ten free beers.
Murder in the Bible College
By Ned Trimble
An account of the most baff-
ling case Inspector O'Flannigan
ever encountered since the theft
of seven hundred copies of the
Missouri Student.
3 OG had settled quietly upon
the City of Columbia one night
in the Autumn of 1946. The fog
had developed through some mal-
function of the steam tables at
Crowder Hall. Inspector O'Flan-
nigan of the University Vice and
Crime Department had just step-
ped out of the library where he
had been conducting research on
the latest Ellery Queen epic. Crav-
ing a spot of tea, he walked slow-
ly toward the Ever-Eat.
As he approached the Bible Col-
lege, he noticed a tall, lean man
standing in the doorway of that
hallowed building. He watched
the stranger take a long drag
on a cigarette, flick it down the
steps to the sidewalk, give a fur-
tive glance to one side, pull his
hat over his eyes and then run to
catch the airport bus.
O'Flannigan saw nothing par-
ticularly unusual in this proce-
dure, but his work had taught him
to be observant of everything. As
he passed in front of the Bible
College, he noticed a heel print
on the walk, apparently that of
the man he had just seen. He
stooped to examine it and found
that it was made in blood! The
stranger's discarded cigarette was
12
nearby. O'Flannigan extinguished
it carefully and put it into his own
pack.
Then the inspector ascended the
steps to the Bible College, thor-
oughly scrutinizing every square-
foot of the way. Being careful
not to smear any fingerprints on
the doorknob, he entered the hall
and looked around.
In an obscure corner the beam
of his flashlight fell upon a large
paper sack from which oozed a
pool of blood. "Looks like some
guy's been given da business,"
he said, being careful not to open
his mouth. He had great admira-
tion for Alan Ladd.
Inspector O'Flannigan emptied
the contents of the sack upon the
floor (thoughtlessly, as Alan Ladd
would have done it.) A com-
plete inventory of everything that
tumbled forth would be too lurid
for description. Suffice it to say
that the murdered had so com-
pletely dismembered his victim
that it was now virtually impos-
sible to give a responsible account
of even the various organs, much
less the identity of the murdered
person.
O'Flannigan called Headquar-
ters at once from a phone in the
Bible College, giving his assistant
a quick sketch of the crime and
instructing him to bring over a
fingerprinting kit and all the
homicide equipment, including
the latest copy of True Police
Tales. He then called the local
police station but got no answer.
As he hung up the phone, his
eyes fell on a note in the center
of the desk at which he was sit-
ting. He replaced his eyes hur-
riedly and read the note:
"Dear Karl:
Please be good enough to have
some one of my assistants take
my classes. I have a feeling that
I may never teach another class
after today. I have a premonition
that death will end my teaching
career.
Your friend,
Horatio."
O'Flannigan looked up from
the note to find Glitsky, his as-
sistant, reading over his shoulder.
"I got this all figured out," said
Glitsky at once. He lighted a
cigarette, squinted his eyes, wrink-
led his forehead, blew the smoke
out through his teeth and spoke
in a husky voice. (Humphry
Bogart was his ideal.)
"The stiff," said Glitsky, "is
Horatio Wimpleton, one of the
profs here. The note is written
to Karl Schuetzlunger, another
prof." He paused, pulled his tie
away from his neck, took another
drag on his cigarette and wiped
his brow.
"Wimpleton was at odds with
another prof. He knew that this
other prof was laying for him
and that the jig was up. He left
the note; they got him; here he
is, and here we are," Glitsky con-
cluded dramatically.
"That's exactly how I figure
it," said O'Flannigan with his
mouth closed. "Our best bet is
to wait here until the murderer
returns to remove the sack of
. that sack. The murderer isn't
normal. From his discared cigar-
ette I find that he smokes Chel-
seas."
They agreed to wait. After a
short while, they saw a car silent-
ly roll up to the curb. When it
had unrolled, the same, tall man
got out ana hurried up the steps
to the Bible College. "That's the
man I saw," whispered O'Flanni-
gan as loud as he could with a
closed mouth.
"It's Professor Smellfungus,"
replied Glitsky. "Let's nail him
as he comes in." Reaching for
a sufficiency of ten penny nails
and their hammers, they braced
themselves. As the unsuspecting
professor entered the hall they
seized him, dragging him forcibly
to the office where they tied him
to a chair.
The stunned professor finally
regained his breath and gasped, "1
just came back for that sack of in-
testines. What have I done to
deserve this treatment?"
"We know why you came
back," barked Glitsky, squintinv
his eyes, wrinkling his forehead
and exhaling through his teeth.
"Wl.y did you kill him?"
"Kill whom?"
At that moment, Horatio Wim-
pleton, the assumed murdered
man, walked into the office.
"What are you doing here?"
both men shouted.
"Just collecting my personal
equipment. I'm not teaching here
any more."
"Whadda ya mean?" questioned
OFlannigan weakly.
"My great uncle died yesterday,
leaving me eight million dollars.
Why should I teach?"
"But this note?"
"Oh, t h a t," Wimpleton
laughed. "I left that here yester-
day, knowing that my great uncle
was not expected to live. But,
why is Professor Smellfungus tied
up that way?"
"We thought he'd killed you
and had left you in that sack of
guts over there."
"Oh heavens, no!" shuddered
Wimpleton. He got -.ll that from
the biology lab to take home to
his cats.
"Well, I'll be damned," they
replied in unison, forgetting both
Alan Ladd and Humphry Bogart.
Spring Thoughts
in English Lit
A Shropshire Lad
In the valleys of old Columbia
Where the college students come
Is the country for easy livers,
The "partiest" under the sun.
Rock of Ages
Book of pages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in thee
With thy cover and thy print
Let's don't give my prof a hint
That I'm bored as I can be
An I long for nine-thirty!
The Daffodils
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and meads
When all at once-I saw a crowd!
A host!-of gorgeous co-eds!
Their skirts all blowing in the breeze!
Canterbury Tales
When that Aprille with his shoures sote
The droughte of March hath perced to
the rote
Then longen colleg-e boyse goon to the
Hinkson
And specially from every clesses ende
Of Campi to the Hinkson they wende,
The pure sote coed-e for to seke,
Her that owneth a form so sleeke.
Faculty Votes to Discriminate
Against Average Students
45,000 Limit
On Registration
Only "E" Students
Will Be Allowed
In Fall of '82
By Bill Streeter
Columbia, May 21, 1982,
(IP): Early this morning
the Registrar's Office of the
University of Missouri issued
a statement for fall registra-
tion in 1982. A ceiling of
45,000 registrants was set.
Rigid entrance examinations
would be inaugurated again
next semester, according to
John W. Mapleleaf, Jr., Reg-
istrar at the University.
Honor Students Only
This plan would mean
that 'E' and possibly 'S' stu-
dents, only, would gain ad-
mission. .
Doctor Pushkin toyed with the
dial of his time-recording machine.
He nonchalantly set the tuning
mechanism at the year 1981. On
the screen before his eyes flashed
a picture of an elderly couple.
Doctor Pushkin had know them
well. The man in the picture
wore a faded jacket with a block
"M" on it. His name was Brad-
ley Michael O'Connor, better
known in his collegiate days by
his initials, B.M.O.C. The woman
in the picture was his wife, Ade-
lia, known in her maiden years
of the pre-atomic era as Adelia
Centralia. Doctor Pushkin could
see that Bradley was greatly dis-
turbed by some item which com-
manded banner headlines on the
ancient tribunal known as the
COLUMBIA MISSOURIAN.
(See Cut.) Having nothing bet-
ter to do on this dull September
afternoon, the Doctor decided to
listen in on their conversation:-
"It says here that they are going
to limit the registration for 1982
to forty-five thousand at the old
state university," Bradley mut-
tered. "You'd think they'd have
profited from the experience of
the great registration of 1948,"
he added, looking to his wife for
a glance of approval.
"Wasn't that the year that Mr.
Mapleleaf, the Registrar, decided
that registration should be based
upon a competitive scholastic basis
in order to raise the standards and
also limit the number of regis-
trants?" responded Adelia with
a reminiscent gleam.
"Oh, how I hate to think of
what dastardly plan to over-run
the school with intelligentsia!" he
bellowed dramatically. "Only 'E'
and 'S' students were allowed to
return that fall . . and the fresh-
man class - nothing but quiz
kids," he added bitterly. "The uni-
versity was transformed into an
educational obstacle course. Both
students and professors became
grade-happy," he reminded him-
self.
Bradley remained thoughtful
for a moment as he tried to re-
construct in his mind the chain
of events which followed registra-
tion. Suddenly the whole pic-
ture came back to him.
"The competition became more
keen as the semester progressed,"
he said in a recollecting tone.
"The less fortunate 'S' students
were forced to cheat just a little
bit harder. Ponies, large enough
for saddles, became part and par-
cel of the lower forms of intel-
lectual aristocrats," he reminded
Adelia with a sorrowful throb in
his voice.
"Remember how all the tradi-
tions were overlooked in the mad
scramble for grades," Adelia re-
minded him.
"Yes," he replied, "Everything
that we held dear was swept aside.
The Dixie and the Shack were
forced to close their doors for
want of customers. Beer became
a mere four-letter word used in
completing cross-word puzzles.
The magic of its name had gone.
Instead, black coffee and aspirin
became the diet of 'E' hungry
students."
"Yes," Adelia added, "The cam-
pus never quite recovered from
the change, By the end of the
first semester, the situation had
reached a pathetic state. Phi Beta
Kappa keys were as common as
ruptured ducks. Any male stu-
dent without a zoot-chain full of
honorary keys was considered an
(Costinsed on Page 213 )
15
Missouri Vs. Oklahoma .
(Conwiid from Page .8 )
at the hands of the first and sec-
ond place teams of the Missouri
Valley Conference: St. Louis and
Drake, respectively. They have
outscored Nebraska, Kansas State
(twice), and a non-conference
team, Washington U. of St. Louis.
Another game which depends
on just how far the Tigers will
go in the conference race was the
battle against the Cornhuskers of
Nebraska on the latter's home
court. This game had not been
played prior to this writing, but
one thing is certain and that is
that our Tigers had a battle on
their hands as these same Corn-
huskers opened the campaign by
upsetting Oklahoma 44-41. In a
game earlier in the season, the
Nebraska team lost a 47-41 deci-
sion to our Tigers here on the
Brewer Field House Court.
Missouri fans will be getting
their first look at the Tiger's
new center, 6 foot 8 inch Don
Strout, formerly of Bradley Tech.
Tech, a small college in Peoria,
Ill., turns out one of the best
basketball teams of the country
year after year. Strout transfer-
red to Missouri from that school
at mid semester, and if he and
John Rudolph can stop Tucker to-
night, the Tigers will have a
chance to regain the top rung in
the conference standings.
Missouri followers are hoping
that Jenkins, Pippin :ind Lorrance
have them "on" tonight in order
to pull the Tigers through to vic-
tory. It was very evident that
these three scoring leaders of the
M.U. squad were way off on their
shooting in the 57-43 engage-
ment at Norman last month.
Lorrance and Pleasant Smith,
the two ball-hawks of the Ben-
gals, should be in usual form to-
night and it is possible that they
will be able -to slow down the
fast-moving Oklahoma offensive
tactics.
Whatever the outcome may be,
we know that the large crowd
assembled in the Field House will
see two of the best teams, not only
of the Big Six, but of the Mid-
west, competing against each
other. May the best team win!
-Bill Henderson.
A local meat counter bears the fol-
lowing message:
Wanted at Once
3 Room Apartment
We have no dogs, cats,
or Baby's
And Don't Have Any Booz Parties
See. .
What's the use of living?
"Shay, lady, you're the homeliest
woman I ever saw."
"Well, you're the drunkest man I
ever saw."
"I know, lady, but 'I'll get over it
by morning."
"Ah. my dear! the oyster cried
"WVe'll soon be in an awful stew-
To the lady bivalve at his side,
But it'll be fun to get stewed with
you!"
"That's our general superintendent,
son of the president; he began at the
bottom and worked up. Started in as
an elevator boy, right after he left
college."
"How long ago was that."
"Oh, he graduated last June."
Dear Harry.
(Contsused from Page 10 )
"Yes, ma'am."
"Are you married or single?"
"Single ma'am."
(You notice, Harry, how nice
and respectful I was.)
"But our records show that you
are married."
"No ma'am, I'm not."
"And that you have two chil-
dren."
"I'm single, ma'am."
"How could you be and have
two children?"
"I ain't got no children,
ma am!"
"What happened to them?"
"Nothing, ma'am."
"Then you must still have
them."
"If you insist, ma'am," I final-
ly said, figuring that it wouldn't
mitter much whether I had the
kids or not.
"Well, I'm sorry, but we have
nothing available for married vet-
erans with two children right
now. Would you like to sign the
priority waiting list?"
I said that I would, whereupon
she handed me a card to sign,
which I did, and then she rubber-
stamped a very large number and
a date on the corner. The date
said "September, 1954."
"What's that date?" I asked.
"That is the E.D.O."
"E.D.O.?"
"Yes; Estimated Date of Oc-
cupancy. If our shipment of door-
knobs comes in on time, you can
move in for the Fall Semester,
1954."
H.R. Mueller
Florist
Puckett's Mens Wear
Paul Allen's
Flowers
J.B. Simpson, Inc.
"But, I will be graduated by
then," I said modestly
"In that case, we will be forced
under provisions of Public Law
7303, as amended, to consider
your graduation a breach of con-
trace on your part ."
She was still talkin' when I
left, Harry, and I still ain't got
a room. But, that's riot the worst
of my problems (the way things
was soon to turn out) 'cause when
i applied for my money, I got a
letter back sayin' somethin' like
this:
"Dear Sir (I ,urss *y
didn't know I was only an
EM in the Army.)
"Our records indicate that
you were deceased on 4 Feb-
ruary, 1944, at Anzio, Italy,
and that you are therefore
ineligible to receive bene-
fits under the G.I. Bill of
Rights. Pension checks are
l-Ving mailed monthly to
your wife and two children.
Any inquiry regarding your
status should be addressed to
the Graves Registration
Bureau."
Well Harry, imagine how I felt
when I got that! Here I am
now: I can't get a room without
some money; I can't get my
money 'til I present evidence of
being alive and enrolled in the
University; and, they won't en-
roll me 'til I can show that I have
a room.
I hate to impose on our friend-
ship this way, Harry, but I figured
you'd be in a position to see the
proper people around Washington
for me. Until you do, I am in
one hell of a mess.
Respectfully,
Silas Chonk.
"Dear Mr. Chonk:
Your recent letter has been
directed to the attention of
this office for action.
Our files indicate that un-
der provisions of Public Law
16,301 you are ineligible for
Terminal Leave Pay, inas-
much as your present enlist-
ment will not be up until 17
March, 1950.
Under these conditions, it
is imperative that you report
at once to your parent or-
ganization for duty.
Very truly yours, etc."
From COLUMBIAN MISSOUR-
IAN:
The body of Silas Chonk
was removed from the Hink-
son Creek early this morning.
Army authorities in Toyko
reported that M. Chonk, a
University student, had been
absent without leave since
early in 1943.
According to University
housing officials, Mr. Chonk
is survived by a wife and two
children. All efforts to con-
tact them have thus far
failed, however.
CENTRAL DAIRY
A TESTIMONIAL
by
Carl I. Huss
University of Mo.
Columbia, Mo.
General Mgr.
Smello Soap Company
Some City, U.S.A.
Gentlemen:
2HE advertisers tell the pub-
lic that their soaps will remove
B.O.; will not make one sneeze;
will do the washing without as-
sistance; will clean undies with-
out wear or tear; and a dozen
other miraculous things. Maybe
they're right. I don't know; I
don't care. I am merely address-
ing this open letter to you gentle-
men to whom I owe my life.
I'm taking no reimbursement
for this testimonal, but it would
be nice if you would send me one
of those battalion-size cakes of
your product. You know, the
convenient, handy-dandy, tank-
sized bar transportable by any
ten-ton truck.
Now for my story. Mom was
kept busy brushing her teeth with
NEONA-swish, swish and your
gleaming ivories cry, "just look at
us sparkle, sparkle;" checking her
clothing for gaposis; and eating
a heaping bowl of .()0)(003' (In
a recent, impartial test two hun-
dred and eighty-six moronic chem-
ists with master's degrees from
M.I.T. found, after an exhaustive
ten-year study, that these bran
flakes contained less bran than any
other bran flakes on the market.)
If she wasn't busy with these
musts" she was admiring her
"'Frankly, Reverend, I'm a little
worried about myself."
Stringoed hair; writing with her
pen and right arm submerged in
a bucket of water; lighting up a
Dromedary cigarette or a Bleached
Crow cigar; patting her armpits
with Shhhhhh (Just step up to
the counter and exhale for our
product); sipping Blockbusters;
and sticking out her lower lip
and blowing upward so that her
breath entered her nostrils as a
check for halitosis. (You should
see the Ubangi lip she got from
this practice.) Naturally, she
had no time to do her housework.
On the other hand, Pop was so
busy doing Mom's housework that
he had no time to follow the com-
mercials; consequently, he looked
like a composite picture of the
three guys in a hair tonic adver-
tisement. His face had a fort-
night shadow and his smile looked
like the open end of a diesel ex-
haust pipe.
Take the contents of a dime
store perfume counter, the Kan-
sas City stockyards at high noon
any August day, and a glue fac-
tory going full blast.
Next imagaine ten-thousand in-
fantrymen who have been march-
ing all day under a hot tropical
"I tell ya, it'll knock your eyes out."
Faculty Votes .
(Contised from Page 15 )
intellectual slob. Anyone not
wearing horn-rimmed glasses was
thought to be travelling incognito.
The final blow came when the
Brown Derby was turned into a
hat store."
"And how the athletic plant
suffered," moaned Bradley as he
looked dejectedly at his now-
faded M-Man's jacket. "Stankow-
ski's intra-mural program (except
for ping-pong and basketball free-
throws) met a sudden death. Var-
sity athletics met a similar fate.
All sports, except late afternoon
practice in Advanced Snooker,
were scratched from the univer-
sity calendar. In despiration Don
Faurot tried to revive interest in
athletics. He staged an extrava-
ganza which featured schuffle-
board, chess, and sweat-sock mend-
ing at Brewer Field House in mid-
March. Alas, no one came! The
glorious history of Missouri's great
teams of the past became a mere
statistical outlet for demonstrating
Professor Hartkemeier's random
fluctuations. Finally, poor Don
could stand it no longer. He de-
cided that he had nothing more
to offer Old Mizzou. In early
April he heartily accepted the
comparatively rugged job of in-
structing Modern Folk Dance at
Stephens College."
Adelia pondered for a moment
in a melancholy mood.
ANDERSON'S HARDWARE
& ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES
THE OASIS
Lamb's
'The Hinkson," she cried, "be-
came nothing more than a huge
geology lab. Nothing remained
to remind us of its better days. The
spring afternoons held none of
their former charm. Gone were
the beer bottles . . gone were the
blankets. Instead, one could find
only eager students scurrying from
rock to rock, trying to corner the
fossil market, or possibly an over-
worked lab instructor dragging his
butterfly net behind him.
"It couldn't go on," Bradley
shouted, as he made a dramatic
sweep of his hand. "Something
had to be done about it. The
alumns from St. Louis and Kansas
City were completely ashamed of
their school. Many of them
stooped so low as to claim K.U. as
their alma mater rather than be
associated with any state-subsi-
dized diploma factory. A radi-
Picture of man who got the'hiccups in the shack.
cal change was necessary. Pres-
sure was brought to bear on Mr.
Mapleleaf, the Registrar. As a
result of this move, he announced
the notorious 'Plan B' which was
to cover registration in the fall
of 1949. The scholastic restric-
tions were to be removed. How-
ever, the total number of regis-
trants was to be limited to seven
thousand. The plan was to be
carried out on a 'First come first
served' basis. It would be revolu-
tionary, chaotic, absolutely with-
out precedent . "
At this point the time-recording
machine went blank. The screen
appeared to be a muddled blur,
and the conversation of Bradley
and Adelia became an unintel-
ligible mumble. Doctor Pushkins
fumed and fumbled-but to no
avail. He knew what the trouble
was. The filament in the master-
atomic tube of his time-recording
machine had burned out again.
This filament was a rare sub-
stance. It was made of fresh
Show-Me covers beaten to a pulp,
mixed with stale beer, and allowed
to dry overnight. The machine
could be repaired, but it would be
at least another month before the
next edition arrived. The Doc
faintly remembered the hectic
events connected with the regis-
tration of 1949. With juvenile
curiosity he looked forward to
hearing an eye-witness account of
the pandemonium which pre-
vailed in that fateful year.
TO BE CONTINUED IN
THE NEXT ISSUE * * * LOOK
FOR "THE '49'ERS"
"For goodness sake," she signed as
she wearily trudged home from an
auto ride.
neff's date and candy shop
SUDDEN SERVICE
CLEANERS
BARTH CLOTHING COMPANY, Inc.
MISS URI
TELEPHONE COMPANY
sun. Cut the twenty thousand
feet off the foot-soldiers at the
ankles and throw them, including
shoes and socks, into a huge vat
where they should simmer for a
day, at least. Combine this mix-
ture with the one above and you
have a faint idea of Pop's breath.
Even his best friends wouldn't
tell him-they couldn't get with-
in shouting distance.
As I said, Pop did all the house-
work. One Saturday when I was
eleven weeks old Pop was giving
me my weekly bath in the sink-
he always washed me while doing
the dishes, thus killing two birds
with one stone-when he was
called to the phone. He left me
in the dishpan.
There I was with nothing on
but the water faucet, and it was
running slowly. For a few
minutes I had fun biting the
bubbles and diving thru the cup
handles; however, I soon became
exhausted. Panicky, I looked
around. There was no place to
go but down.
Down I went once. Up to
the surface, down again twice. Up,
and then, gentlemen, I spotted
your product, the soap that saved
my life.
I, do hereby solemnly swear
that I owe my life to your product.
Yes sir, gentlemen, on that day
I was saved by a bar of FLOAT-
ING SMELLO soap, which I
clung to until Pop returned.
I remain cleaningly yours,
Abner Maelstrom.
"Hey," cried Satan to a new arrival,
"You act as though you owned this
place!"
"I do," came the reply, "my wife
gave it to me before I came."
An artist's daughter
Is Sally Kline,
She knows just where
To draw the line.
She: Look at all the homes whiskey
has wrecked.
He: Look at all ships water has
wrecked.
To be found at Stephens: girls
with blue eyes and green backs.
Mother: What are the young man's
intentions?
Coed: Well, he's keeping me pretty
much in the dark.
There's the sagging skin of a rhino,
The pendulous stern of a coot,
But from here to Wrangle
There's nothing can dangle
Like a trap-door union suit.
"Why is it you go steady with her?"
"Oh, she's different from the other
girls."
"How's that?"
"Well, she'll go with me."
Wise Guy (boarding the street
car): "Well, Noah, is the Ark full?"
Conductor: "Nope, we need one
more jackass; come on in."
CHARLIE'S CAFE
Esser Drug Store
Uptown
McQUITTY QUICK
PRINTERS
Five-year-old youngster: "Daddy,
can I have a nickel for an ice cream
cone?"
M. U. Vet. Father: "No, shut up
and drink your beer."
Some girls are like paint: Get
them stirred up and you can't get
them off your hands.
"Afraid?"
"Not if you take that cigar out
of your mouth."
"I guess I've lost another pupil,"
said the professor, as his glass eye
rolled down the kitchen sink.
"That's a nice boy," said the visitor
as little Bobby picked up his scattered
toys. "I expect your mother has pro-
mised you something if you clean up
the room."
"You mean if I don't!" he cor-
rected.
Her names "Checkers" because she
jumped every time you made the
wrong move.
We heard about the tipsy pre-med
the other night who called up Dr.
Wasserman of national fame and when
the good doctor answered the phone
our inebriated friend said, "Hello, is
this Dr. Wasserman? The voice said,
"Yes." Our friend said, Are you
positive?"
-The Pointer
Old man: I've got seven children,
thirty-nine grand-children, and twen-
ty-two great-grandchildren.
Visitor: Well, now, isn't that won-
derful!
Old man: Yes, ain't it. And there
ain't one of them I'd wipe my feet on.
"I'm half loco."
"That's all right. I'm half English."
Another thing that helps make the
country safe is when a jury is locked
up for the night.
They went for a ride and all she did
was shake her head. After sixty-three
miles she told me her nose was caught
in the windshield wiper.
*
"No, I can't see you on Thursday. I
am going to be operated on, and I'll
he sewed up the rest of the week."
*
"Why don't you answer the phone?"
"It's not ringing."
"Must you wait till the last mo-
ment?"
*
"Has your dog a pedigree?"
"If he could talk, he wouldn't talk
to either of us."
He was just out of college and back
in civilian clothes.
"Where do you think you're going,"
said the dog as another fled past him,
"to a fire hydrant?"
"I've got a lot of electricity in my
hair."
"I don't doubt it. You always have
shocking things on your mind."
A girl slaps a boys face, not to hurt
his feeling, but to stop them.
She: Why do you call me serial?
He: Because you quit when you get
to the most interesting part.
Said one nudist to another: "I
think we've been seeing too much of
each other."
There was a man named Beebe,
Who wished to wed a gal named
Phoebe.
Said he, "I must see what the clerical
fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebe."
In Honolulu I loved a lass
With eyes of brown and skirts of
grass.
I thought she loved me to you see,
But I was wrong, alack alas,
She wore a sign that clearly said:
"KEEP OFF THE GRASS."
One thing about a wandering
glance-it doesn't get slapped.
Frozen Gold
Ice Cream
GRANT'S SPORTING GOODS
Tea-Berry
"You Can't Take
It With You"
Did you hear about the M. U. stu-
dent who turned in the following as
the principal parts of a Latin verb:
"Slippeo, slippere, falli, bumptus."
The returned paper contained the fol-
lowing corrections: "Failo, failere,
flunco, suspendum."
I WONDER WHO'S
GOING TO WIN THE
"SHOWME GIRL"
CONTEST ?
a
Ode to a Coed
Bleating cries of forced delight
Morning, evening, noon and night,
Switching gaily down the hall,
Mooning, flirting, fondling all.
Sweater curves - a bit off-cen-
ter-
Are a puzzle to your mentor.
Tho' bustle sin the rear aie fine
Your fronts should boast a Na-
tional Line.
The mould from which your
minds all came
Turns out thousands, - all the
same,
The guardian of the mould; a
loon
In an upturned cavern of the
moon.
-Yorlik.
There is a story of a Mid-west farmer
who learned that Ford paid enormous
sums for shipment of tin to be used in
the manufacture of the new marvel. He
stripped all the tin roofing from his
barn and sent it to the factory at
Detroit.
A week later he received the follow-
ing message:
"Although your car was in very bad
condition we shall be able to complete
repairs and have the car at your dis-
posal the first of the month."
LANDLADY EXPECTS BABY.
Male student must vacate! Need
room by Feb. last. References furnish-
ed.
Classified ad, MISSOURIAN
We should hope so.
I DON'T kMNOW BUT
I JUST PUT ALL I
HAD ON A BLONDE
THAT JUST PASSED!
"All this stuff you read in college
magazines is a bunch of hooey. I'm
a college girl and I haven't smoked,
necked, or drunk beer yet."
"How long you been in college?"
"I just registered."
There's one girl that I just worship
the ground her father struck oil on.
GREYHOUND
COFFEE SHOP
Columbia Beauty
Clinic
Well, Aren't you going to thank me tor tossing you the soap?
THE FARM
Chesterfield Cigarettes