Missouri Showme December, 1947

Missouri Showme December, 1947 Missouri Showme December, 1947 2008 1947/12 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194712

Missouri Showme December, 1947; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1947

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Missouri Showme Expose' Issue 25 cents Camel Cigarettes Prince Albert Tobacco The Shack Harzfeld's Letters to the Editor Dear Editor: I liked that story in your last issue, Who's A'Freud Of Sex, but I couldn't find the author, Litner Mayfield, in the student directory. Are you having your stories writ- ten by someone off the campus or is it a pen-name designed to pawn off literary monstrosities written by staff members? Huh? Guess aagin . . you're warm. The name Litner Mayfield is a composite of Litner, Mayer, and Fairfield, three genii with but one thought in mind . . and one type- writer (see cut) ED. Dear Showme: I saw our pictures of the con- vertible wreck in Life Magazine, November 7th and I was im- pressed. However, I think it is going pretty far to smash up a good car just to get publicity. Couldn't you just shoot your Edi- tor and get the same results? A Friend, George Forbes Lissen, don't give the staff any ideas . . . they would do anything for publicity and there are several people who would be willing to do the deed. Let's just stick to smash- ing up cars. ED. Dea Redtr: I wi shtotak thisop portnty twi shoe a Murr Chrismus nalso t the staf. Yer strooly, Mumbles Na Murr Chismus tyuto, Mumbles. ED. PD TIMBUCTOO EDITOR MISSOURI SHOWME COLUMBIA, MO. CONGRATLATIONS ON A FINE SEX ISSUE STOP HEARD YOU SOLD OUT ON THE SEC- OND DAY STOP WONDER- FUL STOP WE TRIED THE SAME THING AT ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY STOP I AM NOW IN TIMBUCTOO. CHARLES WILKES Move over. ED. Damn Editor: On the page of photographs called the Showme Bulletin Board in your last issue, you had a notice from a girl named "Marge." That fictitious telephone number you used, however, happened to be ours. We thought the page was funny but we didn't quite appre- ciate the 27 times we had to an- swer the phone (one call was even 2:00 in the morning) and say, "Marge doesn't live here any more. Clyde and Bob. Dear Showme: What are these stubs on the end of my subscription card for? Stupid. Those stubs are your vote for the Showme King and Queen of the year. Every subscriber has a vote and may vote for anyone he desires on the campus. The bal- lots are due in'by the 15th of De- cember and the winners will he announced in the January issue on the newstands the 12th of January Ed. Lamb's Central Dairy THE COVER this month was drawn by Dave "Flash" Fairfield. Before he could draw it, he had to exhibit the combined talents of Tarzan and Photographer as he dangled from a telephone pole on Conley to take a shot of his scene. Of course, his conception of Santa Claus is a grown-up version which will allow the jolly old gent to loft a few beers with the boys while his reindeer wait faithfully in the snow outside. Showme Sales Girls Dorothy Valle--Alpha Chi Omega Marilyn Hill--Delta Gamma Sue Harris-Gamma Phi Beta Marilyn Scott-Kappa Alpha Theta Corinne Sartorius---Zeta Tau Alpha Pat Hughes--Delta Delta Delta Joy Scrinopski-Alpha -Epsilon Ph Dorothy Hirst-Kappa Kappa Gamma Stphens College Representatives Jane Tigrett Joy Kuyper Donna Kenball Billie King Susie Stevens Carole Beaumont Margret Irvin Christian College Representatives Kit McKartney Sue Henley Special Salesmen Bill McCarter Bill Herr THE STAFF Editor in Chief Mort Walker Business Manager Phil Sparano Advertising Director Frank Mangan Art Editor Bill Gabriel Story Editors Cnarles Barnard Ted Sperling Modeling Director Mel Mitchell Photo Editors Clyde Hostetter Bob Tonn Make-up Editor Dick Sanders Collections Jim Higgins Features Bob Rowe Saul Gellerman Bob Wells Coleman Younger John Lunsford Pat Ryan Diana Pattison Jerry Litner Don Dunn Peter Mayer John Trimble Art Staff Flash Fairfield Bob Abbett Tom Ware Bill Juhre Bill Davey Frank Feindel Advertising Staff Jean Suffill Bob Summars Harvey Dunn Bill Streeter Circulation Director Dick Hall Publicity Director Keith Chader Business Staff Tom Laco Mary Guinotte Gladys Marsh Missouri Showme 'LIFE AT MIZZOU AS SEEN THROUGH SWAMI'S CRYSTAL BALL." SHOWME, OCT. 1920 . CONTENTS DECEMBER, 1947 CANDIDLY MIZZOU A photographic expose of some of our fondest campus traditions and personalities. SHOWME EXPOSES THE STUDENT A daring photographic revelation of the impotent campus press showing the staff in its vain groping to put out a newspaper. THE ECHO A Christmas story telling of two two-faced lovers at Missouri and their vacation affairs away from each other. MEMO ON WOMEN In the September issue we gave you the opinions of Woman about Man. Now the Man gets back at Woman in a bitter analysis of the battle of the sexes. SHOWME EXPOSES THE FACULTY CLUB The satirical pen of the Showme cartoon'st caricatures the quaint antics of the faculty in their moments of liesure. MISSOURI UNIVERSITY EXPOSED A feature article revealing the truth about the uni- versity, its government, and its activities. ROWE'S CROW'S NEST Bob Rowe dips the bitter pen into the well of satire and writes the humorus truth about college. Published monthly during she school year by the students of the University of Missouri sponsored by Sigma Delta Chi, tional journalism fraternity. Printed by Modern Litho-Printing Co., Jefferson City, Mo., Anton Hiesberger, owner. Contributions from the students of the university welcomed but ths editors cannot assume responsibility for unsolicited material. Address contributions to THE SHOWME, Neff Hall, Missouri University, Columbia, Mo. Subscription rates: $2.00 in Columbia for nine issues during school yar. $2.50 by mail owtside Columbia. Single issues 25 cents. Begone with fantasy, desist, In fooling man with stuff like this, Expose the truth, let all men know The goal of footsteps in the snow. 6 Around the Columns Overheard "I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to go steady." December Black nights behind cold bare limbs of trees . . . crisp bleak seven-o'clock skies . . . the thrill of the first snow . . . the tempta- tion to stay in bed-warm luxury. . The yule log spirit . . . impa- tient holiday planning . . Christ- mas gift list . . . penny counting . . Christmas carol serenades. . School work apathy . dances . . parties . . . bridge playing in front of the fire . . . indoor sports . . . sky hand-holding in incom- patible, decorous, weather-forced, surroundings . . . the longing for green spring weather and private love-making. Casualties He was six foot four and he was listening to the broadcast of the Missouri-Duke football game. Missouri made a touchdown He jumped up to yell. He hit the ceiling, and had ten stitches taken in his scalp. He was busy with a hammer and nails making necessary repairs to the outside of the fraternity house. Two co-eds walked by followed by a gust of wind. The hosiptal says his hand will be alf right in two weeks. Last Laugh The flying saucei scare this summer was ridiculed by psychia- trists and scientists as only heat hysteria. "People get excited in the summertime and believe they see all sorts of things," the men of knowledge stated. After that, when any of us saw an object in the sky, we laughed at ourselves for being so stupid as to think we were seeing anything more than illusions created by our imaginations. In November, however, it was discovered that the flying discs were real substance, military in- ventions of Spain with a range of 9,000 miles. THE CENTRAL MISSOURI OBSERVANCE OF HEAVENLY PHENOMENA AND ASCERTAINING OF CERTAIN DEFINITE CONCLU- SIONS IN REGARD THERE- TO ASSOCIATION had the last laugh. Baby Contest The rules for Read Hall's Baby Contest- were stringent but nor difficult to comply with for most parents. The first rule was: "One of the parents must be a student. Preferably the mother or the father." Another rule was: "The babies must not be more than four or less than one year old because of the lack of facilities for handling younger children during their vari- ous movements." There was no limit to the num- ber of entries two parents could bring: "If you have a lot of them bring a lot of them," the rules in- vited but "The contest is limited to the first 100 children." Ration Identification The menu at the general mess in Crowder Hall serves a good purpose After eating, the men read it to see what they have con- sumed. They say it is the only way they can tell. Complying with Truman's ap- peal for a "meatless Tuesday," the mess has co-operated to the fullest extent by giving the boys an "eat- less week." 7 Measure of Man Nothing could be a more con- vicing testimonial for the axiom "clothes make the man," than the ROTC uniforms seen around the campus. Take a man, any man, and put him in the grey blue soldier suit and he looks like a piece of liver wrapped in butcher's oaper. No form, no sohulders, no drape, no man. It's like seeing a girl without make-up. We hear that the tailor who issues the uniforms was once booted out of the back door of Kuppenheimers and has nursed a grudge against man ever since. He also spent a few years in the Army supply corps issuing khakiis. It Takes a Woman The subject for debate in the latest Femme Forum was the question "Why get up at all?" This, we think, puts into words an interesting frame of mind ex- perienced by many of us. "Why get up at all? How many times has that thought run through your mind right before you roll over, -lose your eyes, and miss your 7:30? So you do finally get up. The prof in your 10:30 pulls a pop quiz . . . you come home with an "F" in your pocket to a lunch of noodle soup and stale crackers . . . you go to sleep in your 1:30 . . . you get to your 2:30 and you find you have forgotten your notebook. A few beers before supper helps pass the time before you sit down to a meal consisting mainly of cold mashed potatoes and egg plant . with hunger pains still wracking yuur emaciated body you get up from the table and start to dress for the evening . . your room rate has borrowed your only clean white shirt . . . you walk over for your date and it starts to rain . . . you wait a half an hour for your date to finish her assembly . . then she walks down the stairs. the world is a wonderful place . . . it's good to be alive . . . it was almost worth getting ap in the morning. It takes a woman to supply the question and the answer, damn their lovely hides. Closing Shop At the end of the year we al- ways like to look at the world situation in general, make a few conclusive statements. and be able to start out in January with a clean slate. Our bird's-eye view of civilization shows that Nellie Lutcher holds up the juke-box receipts with "He's a Real Gone Guy," Mumbles is cornered by Dick Tracy, and the Outlaw is still being banned in New York. The favorite drinking song at Collins is "Roll Me Over in the Clover," men think that women's skirts are be:ng run into the ground, and Superman has been grounded for violating commercial air lanes. Other trivia that we need not mention are Dewey, the atom bomb, the Russians, and the re- vision of the GI Bill. Allies The night after the Oxford De- bate, the Showme staff was having its regular meeting in the back room of the Shack. Two guests appeared at the table dressed in tuxedos and introduced themselves as Sir Edward Boyle ind Sir Ken- neth Harris. They were out after some local atmosphere and look- ing for some free beer. We gave them both. Naturally we had to show them the three issues of the Showme and ask their opinions. First off, they said, "WOW!" We could never get away with anything like this at Oxford!" We told them we couldn't at Missouri, either. "British and American humor differs," they admitted. "Your humor is unconscious." We hope they meant that it was knocked- out. Their magazine at Oxford is called the Isis and their humor depends on mimicking well-known magazines. Their satire of TIME was called MIME and the one on the TATTLER was called the PRATTLER. "A new high in humor,' they asserted, The evening wore on to the mutual amusement of both parties. For every "R" they dropped we dopped a "G" and it was "Jolly," "All reet," "Capital," "Swell," "Rawther," and "You aint kiddin," until Sir Edward kicked over a glass of beer in his demonstration of rugby. Busness Is Popping It will be interesting to see who wins out in the Campus Town Popcorn War. So far business has been good for both the competing popcorn stands but sooner or later, one of the sides will start putting more butter in their prod. uct and win the skirmish. Studes vs. Education Since the time Universities were frist founded, students have been arguing the relative merits of cur- ricular and extra-curricular activi- ties There are many sides to the question, but most of us seem to fall within the three main groups: the ones who put the emphasis on grades, the ones who mix grades and social life half and half, and the ones who have fun and slip by with the minimum amount of work. When the question "Why did you come to college?" was put to an average group, we received the following predominant answers: "To learn something," "To have fun," "To find a husband," and "To keep from going to work." Dean Hindman, who has done a great deal of research on the subject, said statistics show that the people who make the best grades in college, make the high- est incomes in later life. An old akiomatical premise put to the logical test goes as follows: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." "All work and no play makes jack," and therefore, "A dull boy makes jack!" So go on and enjoy college the way you have been. No matter which side you're on, you have plenty of support. Local Golwynism Two fraternity candidates for "Bookie of the Year" were dis- cussing the parley cards several week ends ago. One mentioned an enterprising rival. The other commented: "Yeah, he knows all the odds and ends." 9 "No, Junior, he's not a Communist." Candidly Mizzou THE SHOWME EXPOSES THE SHOWME. Many people have asked who puts out the Shnume and how does it get the way it is? Maybe this photo graph will elucidate a little. It is picture of an actual staff meeting in the Shack. The editor in the left drinking coke is busily taking down notes on the beer-stimulated ideas of Frank Feindel, Dick Sanders, Gladys Marsh, Flash Fairfield, Bill Gabriel, Jean Suffill, Jerry Litner, and Pete Mayer. SHOWME EXPOSES GIRLS' KNEES. With the discouraging prospective of only girls' ankles showing beneath the long skirts, u'e print a refreshing photo of a girl's knees for the men. SHOWME EXPOSES MEN'S LEGS. And for the girls u'ho have had to use imagination all their lives, rwe print this informative photo of a guy's gains. Now you know why men wear pants. SHOWME EXPOSES A WOMAN'S POCKET - BOOK. There are a few places that man is never al- lowed. One of them is inside a woman's purse. In this daringly revealing peek into the clandestine re- cesses of the bag, many things about women are now understandable. SHOWME EXPOSES A MAN'S BILLFOLD. If you think a woman is a junk collector, you should see what a man can get into the restricted area of a billfold . . there is everything but bills in it. Incidentally, a new fashion bulletin authorizes men to carry shoulder purses. SHOWME EXPOSES SANTA CLAUS. For many of you this might be the first glance into the private life of the mythical old gent. We print this not to disillusion you but to reavel the truth. SHOWME EXPOSES A HANGOVER. We always considered it rather mean to discourse on man's discomforts but if you will clip this photo out and look at it from time to time during the holiday season, you might not be so in- clined to overindulge in the Christmas Spirit. 11 EXPOSED! THE STUDENT On these pages, SHOWME prints an un arnished expose of one of the most despicable frauds that recr fes- tered on the Missouri campus. The Missouri STUDENT, the yellow sheet which has had the effrontery to call itself the organ of the student body, to accept money for reprints of articles stolen from honest campus magazines and placed under its signature, and to use 213 in Read Hall for a den of hate and sordid revelry, has finally cotme under the crusading heel of SHOW- ME. The STUDENT'S days are num- bered. Inside SHOWME information reveals that most of the newsu'rit- ing is done by this four-year-old ghost-writer. This pocket sized William Randolph Hearst may grow up to wirte for the SHOWME someday. 12 The Editor of the SHOWME finds a good use for the STUDENT. Even better uses hate been reported. This revealing shot shows the STUDENT editor, Martin Brown, at one of his "special evening meetings." At these meetings the STUDENT is planned out cheerfully until the bottle is finished. Right after this p;cture was taken, Brown whirled and threw a jar of paste at the SHOWME photog- rapher. (Rright) Mike Norris, STUDENT news editor, fills in the space between stolen SHOWME stories with stuff clipped from the MISSOURIAN. Stan Epstein, STOOGENT sports editor, tries to look like Clark Kent of the Daily Planet, but looks more like the editor of the Hobo News. Jan jeans caught in the act of or-011 ilitng gossip for her weekly travesty on social life. She has to stoop to this nrthol sinc' most people hate to see their name in her column. 13 THE ECHO bCharles Nelson Barnard 2HE train had stopped. Snow was falling quietly on Terre Haute. John watched it swirl from the dark sky, turn red in the glare of a neon sign, and melt wetly into the pavement. The window through which he looked was streaked and steamy. The dining car was nearly empty. He looked at the timetable. St. Louis, Mattoon, Paris, Terre Haute. And on into the night: Indianapolis, Cleveland, Buffalo, Albany, New York-New York in the morning! The long climb 14 up the ramps, the coffee, the Christmas crowds in Grand Cen- tral, and the phone call he'd prom- ised to make from the station. She'd be waiting for it. The train jerked into motion. John stirred his coffee idly, stared out the window. She'd be wait- ing for the call. Sitting in the apartment, timetable in her lap, waiting. But he wouldn't call. He'd made up his mind. That was all over. The four months between Setpember and Christmas belonged to someone else. He lighted a cigarette, ordered more coffee, watched the driving snow race past the window. He remembered his last night in Co- ulmbia: remembered Kathy, re- membered how she looked, how proud he was to be with her, to be seen with her, to have people know that she was Queen of the Winter Carnival. And later she'd asked him if he loved her and he'd said yes. Yes. Yes. Of course he did. He'd never thought of it, but he knew that he must. He loved Kathy. Whether she loved him didn't matter. Oh, she was selfish sometimes. She had broken dates. She had gone out with many others. But he loved her. And Mary? Mary. who had come with him to the train in September, who had written so faithfully, who was waiting now with the timetable in her lap? He had only thought he loved her, thought John now. So, the phone call would not be made. It was still snowing the next morning. The train crept into Grand Central like a cautious mon- ster and gently stopped. John stood among the eddying people on the platform for a moment. He breathed deepl3 of the damp, station air. He thought of the phone call. And then the eddy of people opened for an instant and she appeared. She smiled like a mischievous child when she saw him, then ran to kiss him. "I couldn't wait for your call, darling. I had to meet you." For a moment the old feeling welled back, until he remembered Kathy, remembered Columbia, re- membered the phone call he hadn't intended to make. Now the plan was changed. Outside, they took a cab. The Christmas parties were gay, warm, friendly. All the cus- toms and habits and traditions of Christmas at home took over John's mind. Columbia was a place a long way off-the people there remembered as characters in a play. All but one. Kathy stood out in memory as a living, vivac- ious thing among statuary. Of course he loved her. He had said so. Could Mary tell the differ- ence? Could she know? Or guess? To John she seemed one of the habits of home. As much a part of the scene as the huge Christmas tree or Uncle Ulysses' reading of A Christmas Carol. It was going to be hard to tell her. The vacation sped on af:er Christmas day. Time seemed to race toward the end of the old, year-toward the cheering crowds at the New Year's Eve finish line. The finish line. He liked that thought. But he still hadn't told her. Auld Lang Syne didn't seem appropriate accompaniment to what he had to say. The image of Kathy burned bright, however, and it had to be said. Her beau- tiful face swirled in the tangle of colored streamers and tumbling confetti. It had to be said before midnight. The new year must be Kathy's-every minute of it. "Mary . . ." he began. She looked across the small table at him, the silly little paper cap perched jauntily on her up- swept hair. "What it is, John?" "There's something I've got to tell you . . . now . . . before . . A cigarette girl interrupted him. "Cigarettes, sir?" She arched her sharply plucked eyebrows as she spoke, raised one bare shoulder slightly, and smiled. She was a little like Kathy, John thought. She moved on, stopped at another table, leaned low to listen to a whispered remark from a man in a tuxedo, then laughed. It was a cultivated, well re- hearsed laugh. It rippled from her carmine lips like a scale of notes. It was turned on for the benefit of the man in the tuxedo. There was no mirth or any of the joy of laughter in it. The man took a package of cigarettes and dropped a dollar bill in the tray. John looked again at Mary. The cigarette girl's laugh echoed in his mind. It seemed to come from a great distance. It seemed to mock him. "What did you start to tell me, darling?" She had not noticed the laugh. "I just wanted to say that it's wonderful to be with you again, Mary." It was midnight. It was eleven o'clock in St. Louis. Two men in tuxedos and (Continued on page 24) Showme exposes MISSOURI UNIVERSITY .JHE great thing about the democratic system is the privilege of the common man to expose graft and corruption wherever he finds it and publish his findings for the good of the public at large. Since the beginning of school, the SHOWME's staff crusader has been working undercover to bring to light the truth concerning this university and the city of Colum- bia. He goes on record with the following startling revelations: the fire in the administration building in 1892 was a plot by the curators to create a landmark for the university. The later ex- pansion of the campus was under the supervision of a St. Louis alumn who owned a shoe factory. He authorized the many circular and devious walks which violate Euclid's Law, thereby wearing out vast quantities of soles and heels. Following this innovation, a parking lot was built in front of Jesse to provide a job for one of the curator's nephews. He has been with us ever since, faithfully keeping students from parking there. The cars parked there are for sale, since the space is actually the location of a thriving black market outfit. The nephew gets a 10% cut on each vehicle sold. A not-so-startling discovery by our investigator was the fact that the university has no president. The exact date he disappeared is not known, but it is believed that the last person to see him was the stationmaster at Rocheport. The name Middlebush, currently asso- ciated with the prefect, is merely a figment of the imagination, made by compounding the simple words, "middle" and "bush." At the library, our reporter found in a large, mouldy volume of the Historical Society that Co- lumbus didn't discover America. The real culprit was a chap named Santos Domingos. Domingos was sitting in the crow's nest of the Santa Maria when he sighted a continent on the horizon. "Strike me dead if that isn't America!" he cried. And Columbus struck him dead and claimed the discovery as his own. This was history's first Lucky Strike. However, Colum- bus did discover the city of Colum- bia, as any fool can plainly see. Finding himself frustrated num- erous times while trying to decide whether to go through the Tunnel or across Ninth Street, our repre- sentative made a thorough inquiry into the situation. He learned that the contractor was a psychiatrist who devised this plot in order to frustrate and confuse students and, thereby, increase his business two- fold. Our agent also divulged that we have been hoaxed again by tra- dition. The J-School lions, which are supposed to roar when an in- nocent co-ed passes, couldn't roar if they wanted to. The bridge behind Neff Hall has long been used as a springboard to hari-kari for dazed and crazed H & P students. Each morning before dawn the bodies are carried off secretly by an employee of Dean Mott. Dean Mott, by the way, has been bluffing his way through the sartorical world long enough. His bow-ties are not the real Mc- Coy. They are clip-ons! The numerous queen contests on the campus, it has been dis- covered, are being promoted by one Hilda Hydrasnoot, a two- nosed co-ed with a shape like a (Continued on page 20) McQUITTY QUICK PRINTERS PUCKETT'S SHOWME EXPOSES FACULTY CLUB SAMPSON'S Quick Delivery BENGAL SHOP SHOWME EXPOSES. (Continued from page 17) laundry bag ready to go to the laundry. She figures that sooner or later all the good-looking co- eds will have been chosen, and they will be forced to pick her. The watchmen who keep the campus orderly at night revealed that they are not paid for their services. "We do it just for fun," one of them stated. Our emisary stumbled upon an interesting item concerning the Shack. It is the headquarters of the W. C. T. N. and n-mst of the recruiting is done there. The leaders like to be close at the hand of sin so that they might yank back from the fiery pits of Hell, the thousands of lost souls which 3.2 has poisoned. Speaking of poison, one of the most interesting experiences of our crusader was his trip through Gaebler's kitchen. "It is spotless," he reports. "The food is pre- pared in a most excellent manner in the most sanitary condition. Then, as the tray passes through the hands of the food inspector, he pours grease over everything and discolors it with a mold compound to give it a casual appearance." Their explanation for this phe- nomena is that if their food were any better, they wouldn't be able to serve all the customers. "We have to keep a certain percentage of them in the hosiptal or we would be over-crowded," the pro- prietor told him. Looking for a five-leaf clover in front of the Engine School, our reporter overheard the following explanation by one of the profes- sors. "In Paris, there is a huge structure several hundred feet high. When it was first built, the French could think of no suit- able name for this masterpiece of engineering. It took an American to name it for them. John Smythe of Boston, Massachusetts, took one look at the towering structure. 'Gad,' he said, 'What an eyeful!' And they called it, in their native tongue, the Eiffel Tower!" Our intrepid investigator even tried to expose the obscure chin of Jesse Wrench. However, the good professor always ran at the sight of his poised machete. One of the slickest plots of the year was the SGA clean-up cam- paign. Four SGA committeemen got free meals for two weeks while they were supposedly check- ing food quality in all the res- taurants. After reading this expose, writ- ten by our undercover man, and being in an exposing mood, we expose our undercover man. He is Yasha Rowdymansky, the brother of Vladimir Rowdyman- sky, who died unfortuantely at the age of three. He is the son of Emil Rowdymansky, a demented Bohemian butcher, who was as- sasinated when he tried to spread his doctrine of a lamb chop in every garage. The Southern farmer was intro- ducing his family of boys. to a visiting governor. "Yes, sir, seventeen boys," ex- claimed the father, "and all Demo- crats but John, the little rascal. He got to readin'." A Modern Christmas Tale by Don Dunn OKAY, kids, gather 'round your poor, tired, daddy an' he'll tell you all about Santy Claus and his reindeer and all the toys up at the North Pole. Just wait until daddy finishes his glass of egg-nog, will you. Tommy! Put that bottle down! That's daddy's. Your egg-nog is in that cute little red bottle there. That's right, and will you pour daddy another glass out of his bottle? Fine. Now we're all shet-er--set, yes, that's it. Daddy must be catching a cold. You listenin?' Okay, here we go. 'Twas the night before Christ- mas, and all through the house, Not a creature was shtirring, not even one little bitty mousy. The shtockings were all hangin' in real nite neace---er-nice neat rows. (That's the right way. heh, heh), in the hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there-(there-rose)- with his big red nose. (See, it rhymes that way. Daddy's cold makes him forget the words, doesn't it?) Uhh-ah, Billy and Johhny were shlee--eetin) in their little shoft bed, (You kids want some more egg-nog, too?) Where wash?--Oh, yes-While visions of sugar-plum danced round and round and round and round in their wee bitty little heads. Clippety-clop, someihin' came "Blop" on the roof real hard, and Mary jumped up to shee who it was. Who d'ya think it was? Yes, it was Santy Clawsh-an' you know what he had-y, know what he brought for ev-re-y-body? He brought lots and lots and lots of real neace nite white- Egg-nog! An' thatsh the end of the story. Now go 'way an' let your poor, tired daddy shleep- heeck-'scuse me. G' night, kids. Two front page headlines cut from the Missouran as they appeared side by side the same day. WORKS OF EDWIN WALTER EXHIBITED AT READ HALL Edwin Walters Have Daughter Born Today in Noyes Hospital CHRISTMAS DINNER PRAYER We owe a debt of gratitude To the one who invented fude. Ogdunn Chevrolet (I hate a Nash) THE SHOWME KING AND QUEEN CONTEST Ballots due Dec. 15th Your vote is on the stub of your subscription card. Ballot boxes in Jesse Hall and the Showme office. WINNERS ANNOUNCED IN THE JANUARY ISSUE JANUARY i2th Oversight: I'll not say that Anacreon And Omar Khayam both were wrong- But they filled nights with Bac- chus' laughter, Never mentioned mornings after. -By Coleman Younger. 21 Pabst Blue Ribbon H.R. Mueller Florist THIS is to be an expose issue. Everyone has been cooperating beautifully except the long-skirt designers. The reason for the term paper has come to light. It has been found that the reason professors are utilizing the term paper is to comply with an inter-school di- rective telling them to keep the books in the library dusted. Flash: Last year a photo- graph was snapped of Jesse Hall without the Columns in the fore- ground. Cold weather is really here. The other day I saw a convertible with the top up. That really wasn't Dean Mid- diebush at the Oklahoma game. It was a standin. We'll get to see him, though. Television is just around the corner. The crowd that stands in the halls at the library are being fur- nished microphones. You can't hear a word they're saying up in Centralia. A club at Stephens College heard about the MU football team showing movies of the football games. Now they're tying to get permission to show movies of a glass of beer. Rowe's Crow's Nest The truth at last. That isn't a train that goes to McBaine every night. It s a hand-car with a whistle. Gives everybody the im- pression that Columbia has a railroad. Statistics prove that of the 79,- 567 queens the university has had since 1941, only four have been whistled at as they passed Reuben Robinson. This is not an expose. I just can't figure whether those lions are a myth or just roared-out. A local popcorn dealer is put- ting no-doze in the popcorn so people will stay wake and eat more popcorn. Now they're giving keys to everyone who takes a flu shot. These classrooms won't be half as crowded when the students find someplace else to sleep. The photo section of SHOW- ME is busy exposing film. If these beer spot; don't open, some students will be forced to taste water. One out of every one telephone in Columbia is out of order. . . But they're repairing them again. Last night I only heard four conversations at once. Work on the new student union is under way. . They set the clock. Beech-Nut Gum ANDERSON'S HARDWARE Johnston's Delicatessen ECHO . (Continued from page 15) a girl ih a black, strapless formal stood apart from the crowd. "Rex, I'd like you to meet Kathy Porter. Kathy, this is Rex Paul." She wore her scarlet-tipped hands like two ivory buckles at her lips. Her auburn hair cas- caded down her naked back. A Rhinestone choker glinted blue and cold at her throat. She was Kathy, Queen of the Winter Car- nival at the University of Missouri. Queen Kathy, poised, sure of her- self, smiling slightly at the fawns. "Kathy goes to the University, Rex. She's quite a vamp of the campus this year." She picked up her drink and pouted. The party was a gay one. Just everybody who was anybody in St. Louis was there. It was so good to be back--to be out of Columbia, to be away from the sordid parties that people there considered a good time. This was the only way to live thought Queen Kathy: lavishly, richly, ex- pensively. "It's so good to have you back with us, Kathy. St. Louis hasn't been the same since you decided to leave us for an education. I do hope you haven't forgotten all your friends or fallen in love with some college boy." When she spoke her lips moved slowly as if tasting each word- as if enjoying the languor of her expression. "Oh, Rex! Don't be a bore! You know I haven't forgotten one of you dears." "We know you wouldn't, Kathy, but frankly, some of us were a little troubled by something we heard." "I can't imagine what it could be." "It was about a John somebody -a student. . ." Kathy spun around a full turn so that her full, black skirt bil- lowed in a huge circle around her. And she laughed. It was a cultivated, well re- hearsed laugh. It rippled from her carmine lips like a scale of notes. It was turned on for the benefit of the man in the tuxedo. There was no mirth or any of the joy of laughter in it. "Oh, him" She sipped from her glass and pouted again. "A girl has to have someone to go out with, you know." Then the fawns all laughed with her. Upon Asking an M. U. Girl for a Date On the Fifteenth of November: Maiden fair, with hollow leg, Hast thou evening free, I beg? You and I will split a keg And chat a ballad merry. Oh, good sir, how kind of thee To request a date with me- Yes, I ha4vian evening free Late in February. -By Coleman Younger. BOB HULETT ARMY NAVY STORE Boy of the Month. GENE HOFFMAN- Junior in Journalism . . President, Men's Panhellenic Assoication . . . S. G. A., coordination, dance and sanitation committees . . .National Inter- fraternity Conference eelegate . . . Alpha Tau Omega . . 20 . . . St. Louis. (Photos By James Cross) Advertising Sorority) Advertising Associa- Gamma . . . 20 . . 27 Showme exposes the frails MEMO ON WOMEN ,N the beginning, man was a complete and satisfied animal He hunted, slept, ate, and flipped grape-vine ashes on the floor of his cave with all the serenity of a soul at ease in the universe. Then God swiped one of his ribs. Since then man has been confused, confined, and frustrated. He has had indigestion and neu- rosis, pains in his back, and, at rare times, happiness. Now, in this modern age he is even threatened with the loss of his supremacy in the world to that "rib" which he so unwittingly re- liquished. Woman, the root of something or other-who knows? Not man. He has never found out vhat hit him. Generally speaking, women ,may be divided into three classi- fications: wives, old-maids, and "will-o'-the-wisps." An old-maid is a mass of ob- stinancy surrounded by ideals and suspicion. If she hadn t been so obstinant she might have a house- full of kids right now. If she hadn't had so many ideals, she wouldn't have been so obstinant. And if she hadn't had so many suspicions, she wouldn't have been relegated to a life of -ats and high laced neck-lines. A "will-o'-the-wisp." as the name implies, is just that. Men love them and sometimes marry them-but not for long. A wife is one of the most sing- ular animals ever created. Being a wife is the supreme ambition of every living woman. (We s'ould say "every living, breathing" Plymouth Manufacturing Co. woman.) But to be a wife a girl must first be asked. This seem- ingly minor obstacle to woman's goal is nonetheless the most diffi- cult and involves a great deal of cagey strategy similar to a general's maneuver on the battlefield-but much more deadly. The game is played like this: The girl selects her victim (yes, men-she does the selecting) and goes to work on him. The rules do not permit talking over the table but require that the surren- ent. The surrender, however, is der come directly from the oppon- stimulated by such techniques which are still secrets of Woman. Tripping, cudgeling, and other forms of violence are taboo but wrassling is an accepted device for stimulating the surrender. When a girl has once been asked, she suddenly releases a whole box-full of tricks and puts on a show 'Which would put the coronation to shame. *This show of hers is called a "wedding" by Women and a "slaughter' by Man. After the man has said his two (Continued on page 32) Janet Lane's Central Office Equipment Co, Julie's Exodus Missouriensis 5HE gladiators had cast their spears aside, and departed from the Colosseum (no bowl bids were in sight). The existence of the multitudes that dwelt near the temple called Jesse, was becoming uubearable-three hours a day the brethren did slave under the teach- ings of the prophets; four they did partake of the nectar of the vine; three the opposite sexes did mingle, many casting their morals aside; and the remainder they did sleep within their tents. Behold these doctrines, breth- ren, they really had it tough. Lo, it was the season of the Yuletide, and the masses were ful- filling their early Christmas shop. lifting, henceforth, the money- changer's at the market place were in lust for silver and gold. The Inn called "Shack" was urging upon the host the beer that made Milwaukee jealous; the hos- telry named "Ernie's," in keeping with the Yuletide spirit, made of- fering of a third cup of yaksmilk; the amphitheatre Uptown por- trayed "The Bride Wore Red" with shorts; and Caesar's tax col- lectors were wont to count the mills in red and green. Ex-war- riors were patiently awaiting t.d- ings from Samuel with their de- linquent GI checks. And it came to pass, that Fred- erick, sensing the plight of th* masses, did call a council with Jesse, and his sons-the wise men -to beckon his craftsmen and loosen their bonds for a fortnight. And, lo, it came to pass that on the twentieth day of the month, the multitudes folded up theii tents, and stole silently away to the land of their fathers. Johnny Welsh. SUICIDE NOTE OF THE REJECTED LOVER (Brazenly submitted---No apologies) Oh, wretched day! Oh, darkest hour! Upon my head, the Fates do glower! For she is wed. Thought naught of me. A double-cross from Destiny! I worshipped her, Though out of sight, I longed for her from morn 'til night. Though minus rank, I kept on caring, Since no one's frat pin was she wearing. Far out of reach, Her lineage high, I dreamt of her with saddened sigh. Alas my dreams Meant nothing to her- She spurned me for another wooer. Good-by, cruel World! I cease my living! I leave this world with no misgiving. I say, "Farewell" With dying breath, 'cause Phillip got Elizabeth. King and Queen of the Year All ballots for the Showme King and Queen of the year are due the 15th of December. The stub on the end of your subscrip- tion card is your ballot. Winners will be announced in the January issue to be sold on the 12th of January. A Gentle Warning to the Rest of You: I asked a co-ed for a date- When she refused, quite sweetly, I kicked her down three flights of stairs And broke her neck, complete- ly. . -Coleman Younger. MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY Charlie's Burton's of Hollywood MEMO ON WOMEN (Continued from page 29) words, "Will you?" he is nor al- lowed to talk any more unti, the show is over, but is instructed to stand by the side and watch the circus "and keep your n.)uth shut." The show is mainly an an- nouncement to the world that she has caught her victim and the rest of the men can come out of their hiding places. After the show, the real rat- race begins. The woman becomes a parasite who spends her time figuring ways to spend the money that man is trading sweat for. rt: life is a series of beds, bridge, and brocade. All Man gets for his efforts is a pat on th- head. Women, in general, are a myriad of fascinating incongrui- ties. If you show that you like her, she drops you like a bloody mouse. If you treat her like dirt, she thinks you're a gift from God. If you tell her the truth she swears you are lying and if you lie she picks out what she wants to be- lieve and ignores the rest. If you remain silent she says you're hid- ing something from her and if you talk she tells you to shut up. She wears a low cut dress to make you notice her and when you stare.she says you're not a gentleman. If you whistle at her, she calls you a wolf but ad- mits that she loves it. Getting a date with Woman is worse than any of the rest. The rush that Woman has gotten on campus because of the over- abundance of Man has turned Woman's head somewhat. Even the most knock-kneed specimen among them imagines that she is next in line for "Miss America." For factual reference we print a recorded tapped telephone con- versation: "May I speak to Miss Jacqueline Jasmine, please? Will you state your business, please? A date. Just a minute. I'll connect you with her room-mate. Thank you very much. Miss Jasmine's room-mate speaking. May I help you? I hope you can. Is there any chance of getting a date with Miss Jasmine for April 25th? Next year, that is. Just a moment, please. I'll have to check her date book. That time's just about filled by now, but that one day may be open. Yes, I'm happy to say that Miss Jasmine does have the 25th of April, 1948 open. Now, may I have your name, please? Robinson B. Johnson. I'll have to check you with our files, Mr. Johnson. You have to meet certain specifications, you know. Yes, ma'm, I know. I'm fully registered with the Fair Sex Date Protection Bureau in Miss Mill's office. Will you hold the phone, then, for just a few minutes, please? Certainly, I'd be glad to. Mr. Johnson, I find that you have dated no one but authorized campus queens for the last three and one-half years; that you have had on the average at least four evening dates per week, on each of which you have spent no less than twenty-five dollars; that you have taken your dates to all the major campus functions and the best of the social dances; that you have been considered the best dressed man on campus for the past two years; that you have a cash balance in your account here in Columbia that is never under $350,000; that THE BLUE SHOP AMVET CLUB Eddie's Men's Toggery Dentyne Chewing Gum you have a 1947 Mercury club coupe, and a 1947 Buick Road- master convertible for dates, with 1948 models ordered and delivery promised; that your grades are on slightly under an E average-well, I won't go on. You meet all of the requirements but one. Your great, great, greatgrandfather's uncle had only third deck passage coming over on the Mayflower. Due to the great demand for dates we can't possibly consider any one whose ancestors had less than sec- ond deck passage. I'm very sorry." Outside of the biological and social analyses of the creature, "Woman," can also be formulated chemically, as follows: "Symbol: WOE Accepted Atomic Weight: 120 (Constant). Physical Properties: Boils at nothing and freezes a- any minute. Melts when properly treated. Very bitter if not well used. Occurrence: Found wherever man exists. Chemical Properties: Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, plat- inum, and precious stones. Vio- lent reaction if left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of food. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Uses: Highly ornamental. Useful as a tonic in acceleration of low spirits and an equalizer of the distiribution of wealth. Is probably the most effective in- come reducing agent known. CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands." But with all Man's bqrating, complaining, analyzing, and be- wilderment, Woman has emerged with her head high and her dress low. For all our ravings, we can't do without them, we can't do with them, and we are eternally buf- fetted between the two resolutions. But, .damn them, we love them. He: Did you hear about the girl that won a baby in a raffle? He: No, how come? He: She took a chance on a couch. WHY? Not that you are fair, dear, (Your temper's short and hot) Not that you are true, (I know damn well you're not) Not your golden hair, dear, (That's peroxide that you've got) Not your eyes of blue . . . When we ask the reason, Words (��$1/4oe'/�Eae) are all too few, So I know I love you, dear, Because you're you (bless your pointed li'l head). Bonnie Jean Logan He: "That's a flimsy dress you're wearing." She: "That's a flimsy excuse for staring." "Was it crowded at the Shack last night?" "Not under my table." * "What kind of a guy is your room-mate?" "Well, last night he stubbed his toe on a chair and said, 'Oh, the perversity of inanimate objects.' " "Do you have a faculty for mak- ing love?" "No, we have a student body." * What's a college humor maga- zine censor? That's a guy who sees three meanings to a joke that only has two meanings. "I hear your husband dresses nattily." "I know it." Eat Shop ESSER DRUG STORE THIS MONTH'S CONTRIBUTIONS. CHARLES NELSON BARNARD Shrewd feature writer Charlie has been puzzling friends of late by dazedly ambling along mutter- ing, "reject, reject, reject." We explain his odd actions as an oc- cupational disease contracted by all Showme story editors. Cor- duroy-coated Charlie moved his limp body from his place of honot in the office-the wastebasket- and fought his way to the type- writer where he wrote this month's feature, "The Echo." Charlie is well known for his contributions to Showme. He is now a junior in the Journalism School, majoring in Special Writ- ing. He likes to tell members ot the staff that he journeyed here from Massachusetts because he was banned in Boston. DICK SANDERS Shrewd makeup editor Dick is the busy lad who puts the copy in 36 place on deadline day and reverent- ly tucks the publication to bed. A quiet person, Dick occasiknally startles people by giving loud hee- haws while going over exc!anges in the office. Dick is tall, dark, and witty. He can be distinguish- ed by the bright red gloves he has donned with the advent of cold weather. He is a cosmopolite from Chicago, a Kappa Sigma. and plans to major in advertising. BOB ABBETT Shrewd art student Bob is the one responsible for the illustra- tions of the feature stories each month. His ambition at the mo- ment is having a three- and four- color plate illustration in the Showme. This month we have partly appeased him by using two colors. Bob is 21, a senior majoring in art, and spends most of his time in the Read Hall Art Center where he is student supervisor. Ham- mond, Indiana, will someday boast about their hometown boy who has made good, illustrating Red Book, American, and Cosmopoli- tan magazines. DOWN WITH THE BOSS (just apologies) Readers, you've been deprecated, Grossly underestimated: SHOWME's churlish boss sus- pects That you have no intellects! Don't you think it inconsiderate That he deems you all illiterate? His choice is childish, since he dreads The staff may write above your heads! To arms, my friends, and oust the villian! I'll swear the rest of SHOWME's willin'! Repudiate the young buffoon, And send him home to scratch cartoons. -Saul Gellerman. PHIL SPARANO Shrewd business woman Phil has the laudable task of keeping SHOWME out of the red. One of her main diversions (she has others) is chuckling over the many lItters she received a 1- dressed to Mr. Phil. Sparano, Bus. Mgr., Showme." Besides frantically juggling the books so as to account for beer money, she is a member of Campus Publications Association, a Theta Sigma Phi (women's news frater- nity) pledge, on the Read Hall publicity committee, and she spends her spare time working as switchboard operator at the Daniel Boone. Philomena is a "J"-school junior and rises some five feet above sea level. Get Funny. Win Money. .Write a Title This is easy as falling off a log. A small log, that is. Just send us a caption for this cartoon. The best line gets $5. Or you can send in cartoon ideas of your own. For cartoon ideas we buy, we pay $10 apiece . $15 if you draw them. Easy Money Dept. Are you dough-shy? Get us! We give the stuff away. Folding money, too. Yes sir, Pepsi-Cola Co. pays from $1 to $15 for gags you send in and we print. Why worry about an honest living? This is easier. Just send your stuff, along with your name, address, school and class, to Easy Money Department, Box A, Pepsi-Cola Co., Long Island City, N. Y. All contribu- tions become the property of Pepsi-Cola Co. We pay only for those we print. There's nothing to it-as you can see from the samples below. If, by coinci- dence, the words "'Pepsi-Cola" turn up somewhere in your gag, don't worry about it. We don't mind. (Matter of fact, we kind of like it.) So start your stuff in now -for Easy Money. GOOD DEAL ANNEX Sharpen up those gags, gagsters! At the end of the year (if we haven't laughed ourselves to death) we're going to pick the one best item we've bought and award it a fat extra $100.00 LITTLE MORON CORNER Our well-known moron-about- campus, Murgatroyd-now a stu- dent in the school of agriculture- has developed a new theory on sheep-feeding. He makes a daily ration of Pepsi-Cola an important part of their diet. "Duuuuuuuuh, of course," said Murgatroyd re- cently, when questioned as to his reasoning, "everybody knows that Pepsi-Cola is the drink for ewe!" $2 apiece, believe it or not, for any of these we buy! He-She Gags If you're a He, and know a She- or vice versa-this should be your meat. Here's your chance to strike a blow for the home team in the battle between the sexes-and maybe win three bucks besides! He Ubangi: I hear that Mbongo has left his wife. She Ubangi: Really? Why? lie Ubangi: lie says that every time she drinks a Pepsi, she smacks her lips, and he can't stand the clatter. He: Why do you call my date "Pepsi." when her name is Betty? She: Oh, we all call her "Pepsi" be- cause she goes with anything! lie: I never knew what real happi- ness was until I married you. She: Darling! He: Yes, and by then it was too late. Three bucks apiece for each of these we print. Let your con- science he your guide. Daffy Definitions Here's a column that must have some deep underlying significance. Darned if we know what, though. All we know is that these rate a buck each-and the daffier, the better. Frustration-having a Pepsi-Cola and no bottle-opener. Stork-bird with a big bill. Professor-textbook wired for sound. Thirst-obsolete term; dates back to pre-Pepsi-Cola era. Cooperation-one bottle of Pepsi with two straws. Paying $1 apiece for these is like giving you a license to commit burglary. But-$1 apiece for those we buy. Chesterfield Cigarettes