Missouri Showme February, 1949 Missouri Showme February, 1949 2008 1949/02 image/jpeg Publications & Alumni Communications These pages may be freely searched and displayed. Permission must be received for subsequent distribution in print or electronically. Please contact hollandm@missouri.edu for more information. Missouri Showme Magazine Collection University of Missouri Digital Library Production Services Columbia, Missouri 108 show194902

Missouri Showme February, 1949; by Students of the University of Missouri Columbia, MO 1949

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Missouri Showme February 1949 25 cents Feelthy Issue Camel Cigarettes Sex on Sunday ? . Well, maybe not on Sunday, but there's plenty at THE SAVITAR FROLICS Tuesday February 22 Wednesday February 23 Friday February 25 Saturday February 26 Time: 8p.m. Place: Jesse Auditorium Price: 80c Per Person The Den The New Coronado Letters to Showme .while enjoying . . . "Around the Columns," I was appalled at the lack of factual consideration in pro- posing a "Mr. Beard" for Workshop historian. I assumed that you were referring to Charles Austin Beard, dean of U. S. historians, who gasped his last aplastic anemic breath early last Sep- tember, at the ripe historic age of 73. A usually satisfied reader, David R. Derge, Jr. 102 Stewart Road You're correct. Swami's historian, alas, has been proven fallible. Ed. . .your saturnine periodical of January imancipates a repugnant, ob- noxious, and invidious aroma. "Cheese" Wood University Avenue Oh, Limburger! P. S. See page 324, Webster's Collegiate dictionary, Fifth Edition, 1946. Ed. . . the boys in the back row (of the cartoon on page 15 of the last issue) should petition for a new teacher, not a new class. I take it you mean "Clase de Espanol." Hasta Febrero! E. S. Farrelly 1215 E. Broadway Sorry, we're both wrong. Should be "Clase de Epanola." Ed. . . we consider Showme to be the best example of off-set magazine we have seen . . . Yours truly, Frank Philippbar Co-editor, Penn State Froth . . . being an inconsequential fresh- man, I hate to let myself cast criticism on traditional things. However . . . . in every copy of your publication, ivy is shown to be growing on the third column. Horrors man! Any observ ant person knows that the third column refuses to be clad as the rest. Fully realizing the capabilities of alumnus Mort Walker, I would still like to say that he has mis-presented something far too obvious to escape detection. Therefore, dear editor, wouldn't you deem it wiser to plant some ivy around the third column? Respectfully, Hank We've forwarded your acute obser- vation to alumnus Walker. And we agree with you that it might be wiser to leave a Showme tradition un- touched. Drop around and see us some Saturday afternoon when you have an extra shovel, an extra stalk of ivy. Ed. . in reply to the December Showme . . . as to a suitable way in which to award the cup (intended for the winner of the Broad Bowl game) . . . Take the slimmest thirty (30) girls out of each sorority and line them up, sitting side by side . . . The sorority with the least yardage of hip- page between the thirty girls from end to end will receive the cup as the "Showme Hipathon Winners of 48-49 . . . Yours very truly, Jack Gleichenhaus 915 Richmond A worthy solution. But have you checked with Miss Mills? Ed. . . . personally, I think Showme is tops and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Peggy Thoelke St. Louis HAY'S HARDWARE CO. Julie's The Stable Our New Editor. Photograph by Julie's Studio Replacing Editor Charles Barnard is Dick Sanders, a Junior in the School of Journalism, former Asso- ciate Editor of Showme, and a veteran of two years on the staff. Dick has been appointed Editor by the University Board of Publications. Editor Sanders has been one of the most quiet, yet most valuable forces behind Showme since the graduation of ex-Editor Mort' Walker last June. Specifically in charge of copy and make-up, he has also been the author of Showme Reports and the creater of many new lay-out effects. He is 23, married, a native of Chi- cago, and a member of Kappa Sigma social fraternity. Showme Salesgirls Phil Agee, Alpha Phi Freddy Parker, Kappa Alpha Theta Hilda Baskind, Alpha Epsilon Phi Dorothy Carl, Alpha Chi Omega Arlene Brattler, Chi Omega Dorothy Dubach, Delta Gamma Peggy Shrader, Gamma Phi Beta Corinne Sartorius, Zeta Tau Alpha Sales and Promotion Staff Dave Fairfield Keith Chader Al Ebner Walter Cliffe Homer Ball Roger Bell Jim Hovey Bill Starke Christian College Representative Kit McKartney STAFF Editor-in-Chief Richard R. Sanders Assistant Editor Bill Gabriel, Jr. Business Manager Phil Sparano Ass't Bus. Mgr. William Herr Advertising Director John Trimble Art Director Nick Bova Photo Editor Sinclair Rogers Feature Editor Frank Lambie Joke Editor Don Dunn Promotion Manager Willaim McCarter Publicity Director Pete Mayer Art Staff Pat Bauman Jack Eyler Ron Galloway Terry Rees Alan Sherman Tom Thompsan Glenn Troelstrup Tom Ware Photo Staff Jack Organ Bob Zeitinger Advertising Staff Chris Chilcutt Don Garber Dude Haley Jim Higgins Jim Stokman Features Saul Gellerman Feelthy Missouri Showme Issue YOUR CAMPUS HUMOR MAGAZINE Dear Reader: Well, since our last issue, we've added new faces to our staff, and several old ones are holding down new jobs. I've stepped into Charlie's shoes, and Gabe is my assis- tant. John Trimble (see the contributors' Page), our former photo editor, is handling our ads, and Sinc Rogers has taken over our photo department. Frank Lambie heads the features. And "Showme Reports" is being written by Fred Shapiro, a newcomer. Although this is the "Feelthy Issue", it's only fair to tell you that we've in- tended no hidden meanings this time. The name grew out of someone's suggestion that we have a sequel to last year's "Sex Issue." We didn't care to go that far but we did like the name---and this is the result. Next month will be the "Queen Issue" with anyone in the University free to vote for the Queen, and with the array of prizes in the offing, we're looking forward to a lively contest and a pretty good issue. Don't forget, balloting is on Wednesday, February 23. Sincerely, Richard R. Sanders Volume XXVI February, 1949 Number 6 Published monthly during the school year by students of the University of Missouri. Printed by Modern Litho-Print Co., Jefferson City, Mo., Anton Hiesberger, owner. All copyrights reserved. Contributions from the students of the University welcomed, but the editors cannot assume responsibility for unsolicited material. Address con- tributions to Missouri SHOWME, lay H. Neff Hall, University of Missouri, Columbia, Mo. Subscription rates: $2.00 in Columbia for nine issues during the school year, $2.50 by mail. Single issues, 25 cents. 5 My, you have a feelthy mind To read this feelthy insert The title says it's feelthy- What's feelthier than dirt? 6 Around the Columns Overheard In the library a bleary-eyed student was heard to say during final week, "I think I'll forget about an 'S' in this course and see if I can bring it up to an 'M.' " February Starting the same grind all over again . . .new classes . new books . . new profs . but just four months this time . . then a 1sng rest . . . not just four days . . . didja get home for finals? . . .nah, stayed here and drank beer . . . best party time of the year . . true . . . February . . cheated by the gods this year . . . only 28 days . . . finished petitioning yet? . . . not quite . . . gonna have all morning classes when I'm through, tho . . who'd you get for that Eng- lish class? . . . February . . . birth- month of famous people . . Washing- ton, Lincoln, Edison . . . kids get a couple extra days off from school . . we should be kids . . . maybe . . has a Valentine's Day, too . . anyone send them any more? S. . haven't had one for years . . sorta silly in a'way . . . sorta nice in a way . . . February . . . last of slush and snow . . . last of cold, wet feet . . . last of sullen skies, depressing days . . . spring only a month or so off . . . tired, but we'll make it. The Wheels of Progress Churn With joyous heart we noted, come last January, that Mt. Olympus at long last moved to relieve the agony of the registration line. In theory, the idea was pretty darn good. In operation, it had its rough spots. We've heard tell of the many who stood for some three hours the first Thursday and then turned away in disgust just minutes before the first appointments were handed out. May- be the idea was one of those spur- of-the-moment things, but it seems to us there could have been a little advance publicity. As far as we know, there never was a public an- nouncement. Personally, we learned of the change by word-of-mouth, one of the gods' favored methods of dispensing information. One sleeting afternoon a few days later, a line formed for appointments. Over a loud speaker, a voice informed them that appointments were now coming from 130 Jesse. So the dis- couraged, most with complete para- phernalia for registration, trudged eastward. All this may have been very logical, except: scarcely a soul was passing through the registration process then, and the whole group could have been run through in less time than it took them to get to Jesse Hall. But then, no one expects perfec- tion on the first try. Taboos After this issue, our list of editorial taboos (yes, we do have some) will be topped by those surreptious bits of feminine apparel, the falsies. For some reason, we are continually de- luged with cartoons, stories, and jokes which have falsies as their sum and substance. (One such item has sneaked into this month's center- spread.) And at least once every semester, some eager soul will rush up to us with a false ad for falsies. "Boy, this'll knock their eyes out!" he whoops. We just smile and sadly shake our head. For this issue, a friend of ours brought in a full article on the sub- ject. It contained the following bit of information: there were 5,000,000 sets of falsies sold in the United States in 1948. Then by some complicated mathematical gymnastics which we couldn't understand, he deduces that some 30 per cent of the American women are being supported by "syn- thetic sex appeal." (Confirmed. or unconfirmed, we don't know-we're just passing it on for what it's worth.) Truthfully, we're getting a little tired of the subject. We don't see why anything that is false, unreal, should command so much attention. Of course, philosophers have puzzled over that question for ages, but we rather doubt if they've been faced with our particular enigma. Frankly, we don't give a damn if an occasional manifestation of sex is synthetic. It's none of our business. We'd like to see the girls left to their own devices, especially since the intended goal is esthetically pleasureable. 7 Those Insatiable Britons Recently a friend of ours had ac- casion to delve into the 18th century Bacchanalian habits of the British people. His findings were somewhat amazing-and quite comforting. Among the writings of the famed Dr. Samuel Johnson, he found a pas- sage which stated that nearly every- one in his (Johnson's) native town of Litchfield went to bed more or less drunk every night. A partial ex- planation for this condition may be that Britian during this period was producing some 12 million barrels of beer annually. And this for a popula- tion of only five million-which figures to something like two barrels per person. Knock off the youngsters under 12, the old folks over 90, and one or two teetotalers, and it appears that the local Falstaff had a merry time 'round the centre table of his favorite pub. There were also references to a con- coction that compares favorably with our 'purple passion.' It called for a quartern of brandy-a quartern is a fourth part or a quarter, but we have no idea as to what this was a quarter of-anyway, they mixed a quartern of brandy with a quart of beer, and called the mixture 'poppin.' It's only a guess, but we'll say it was their heads the next morning that were 'poppin.' Disturb Us Not After noting the coming of tele- vision to Columbia, we sat back and let our imagination run rampant. We could see ourselves watching base- ball and being able to see what's go- ing on while the commentators discuss Joe Zilch's remarkable play at third base for the Paducah Muskrats in the third game of the 1908 playoffs. Then we reasoned that here might be the answer to the two-series basket- ball games we now have. Surely half the fans would be willing to watch the game from the comfort of their quonset huts. Then we wondered which of the local pubs would be the -first to install television. We won- dered if the wrestling matches would fall on evenings when we were free. (The first and only wrestling match we've seen was on a television set in a south-side bar in Chicago.) A chuckle as we remembered a banner sign on a television-less bar roused us from our dreaming. The sign read: "No Television to Disturb Your Drinking!" Face Red, Mr. Crocodile? Our prize informer on wordly mat- ters, the New Yorker, recently pub- lished a short bit concerning the Rus- sian humor magazine which has been under fire from the Kremlin. Having been in a similar situation several times in our past, we eagerly read on. It seems the magazine, the Croco- dile, was reprimanded for not bearing down harder on " 'vestiges of capital- ism in the consciousness of the people.' " (We promptly mailed copies of our "Capitalistic Issue" to Messrs. Stalin, Molotov, Vishinski. No reply yet.) The Central Committee further instructed the Crocodile to " 'expose the thieves of public prop- erty, grafters, bureaucrats . . . by weapons of satire.' " (This sounded like a good trick, so, after we shud- dered in guilt, we added the Crocodile to our exchange list. We await with bated breath our first Crocodile.) The Committee evidently figured that witty anti-capitalistic satire would be longer in conception, be- cause the Crocodile, formerly a week- ly, now hits the newsstands-or what- ever has replaced the capitalistic newsboy and his corner-now hits the newsstands every ten days. The New Yorker surmised that the extra time will be used in "straining." We've thought it over, and after giving ourselves an extra week this issue and not noticing any appreciable increase in wit, we doubt if the three- day increase will be very helpful. So to our humorous Russian colleagues who may- be in jeopardy of life and limb, we send a heartfelt 'koroshee schastee,' which is our best phonetic Russian for 'good luck.' Tell Us More, Noah While we were writing the piece on early English drinking habits, we had occasion to look up 'teetotaler' in Mr. Webster's everpresent lexicon. Running our finger down the page, the first pertinent information we met was: teetotal, adj. 1. Colloq. Entire, whole. 2. of or pertaining to teetotalism. Next was the illuminating bit that set us back on our heels: teetotaler, teetotaller, n. A tee- totalist.- Then, finally, there was an explana- tion: teetotalism, n. Principle or prac- tice of entire abstinence from intoxicating drinks; total abstinence. Actually, we only wanted to see if we spelled the word correctly. Frolic Time We woke up the other day with the realization that the Savitar Frolics, the theatrical extravaganza of the year, soon will be dancing and joking be- fore our eyes. Some of the skits are pretty good, we understand, and this year there's an additional night to watch them. That makes four public performances-public in recompense for a slightly increased tariff. How- ever, remembering how many laughs we got last year, and after thinking about some movies we've seen lately, we figure the Frolics to be good enter- tainment at bargain prices. Fortunes in the Making As a sort of postscript to our last issue, we extend a verbal handshake to the numerous student tycoons who rose and fell with the January Sleet storm. Several outfits incorporated as soon as the branches began to fall. and went into the "we-remove-the- trees-from-your-yard-cheap" business. They hired trucks and bought axes, saws, and other necessary equipment; some reached the stage where they were hiring men to work for them. All went well until the city under- bid and forced them out of business. But at that, most of the overnight corporations were solvent at their dis- solution, and some showed a sizeable profit. One group, however, saw fit to speculate on the energies of the repair crews and the consistency of the weather. With most of the lights out in Columbia, thqy hurriedly made a trip to St. Louis to corner the candle market. This they accomplished with no great difficulty, and proceeded on their triumphant, though chilly jour- ney back. To their great dissolusionment, they found the lights again shining happily in most homes. Unable to sell their commodity, even at a reasonable loss, they made another and much more. chilly trip to St. Louis, hopeful that they could unload without a great loss. Unfortunately, our direct wire- ticker from the St. Louis board of trade 'conked out' before their at- tempts to salvage their fortune, and we've never learned how they made out. Drumbeating We don't like to boast, but we're very proud to be the only student publication on campus owning a neon sign. We were still debating its best use when Paul Hanna, University business manager, solved our problem. His was a simple solution, too. He gave us a fine new ticket booth to sit our sign on. (This ticket office, if you haven't noticed-and please do-we'll be sell- ing from there from now on-. is in the shadow of the registrar's office at the far end of Jesse's west corridor. The reason for the change: the sell- ing of tickets, Showmes, Stu-dents, etc. was creating confusion in the main portion of Jesse Hall. So, the site of the confusion was moved and the ticket booth constructed. Our sign played its part well. Half our sales last month were from curious folk who walked the half-block to see what the glowing red sign was. We're hoping that everyone is familiar with our new location by now. But if you aren't, or if you don't remem- ber, just look for the glowing red. We'll be there. 9 "Well, there goes another platonic friendship all shot to Hell." Candidly Mizzou Winter Wonderlan? SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME FROSTED ICING cakes the sidewalks of Missouri campus, loads down bird-bare trees, wreaks havoc on footgear unpro- tected by overshoes, makes students (but not many teachers) late for class, moves city fathers to rope off a street for sledding. Beautiful, yes, but Mother Nature likes to balanoe her books, too. 10 SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME TOPPLING TIMBER obstructed both pedestrian and motor traftic for several days. The resultant mass inconvenience was a boon to at least one group-local tree surgeons. One of them got sixty calls ir one day. While the city's street lights were out, astute folk navigated the city behind the glare of flashlights, listened fearfully for the crunch that preceded a falling limb. One delayed motorist became proprietor of the prize excuse of the year: "A tree fell on me." SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME FROLICS PREVIEW discloses limbs of a different shape, or brr-r-r to bra in a glance. Epideictic Miss Saurine Lottman and her chorines-in-waiting, who won first prize last year, are encoring in this year's show. An honest face and four-fifths of a buck (80 cents) authorizes you to ogle all you want on any one of four warm evenings, February 22, 23, 25, and 26. Fraternities and sororities, four each, who came unscathed through quarter- and semi-finals, will compete. 11 SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME "OUT, OUT . ." is what these budding entrepreneurs were. When local utilities became critically ill they bought $100 worth of candles to re-sell at a profit. What have they to show for it? "More damned candlesl" SINCLAIR ROGERS--SHOWME GAME TRY is being made by University administration to promote friendly spirit between Showme and the Missouri Stu- dent. Sales headquarters for both is this booth in Jesse Hall. Come in United Nations! SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME TRUE LOVE doesn't wait for Spring. When this lover couldn't find the right words, his ingenuity moved him to etch his sentiments in the snow as the biggest valentine on record. Now he's an esthete with wet feet. 12 SINNCLAIR ROGERS--SHOWME CINDER WINNER Bill McGuire warmed-up for the two- mile contest in the annual Varsity-Freshman track meet by winning the mile in fast enough time to break a 9-year-old record. Then he ran the two-mile, and won it, too. Candidly Mizzou Photo of the Month SINCLAIR ROGERS-SHOWME SEASONAL STU-DENT, a sort of poor man's The Missourian, closed up shop under the pressure of final exams. Showme staffers, virtually swimming in honor points, remained loyal to readers, brought out the "Feelthy" Issue. Postmaster Allen W. Sapp examihes Showme to see that its moral tone is not too far below sea level for the U. S. Mails. Two ways of losing second class (cheaper rates) mailing privileges are by publishing obscene matter and news of lotteries. 13 The Ring by Jerry Smith IT had started as just another night-just another date with Chuck. There had been so many dates with Chuck that it seemed natural for her to be at the dance with him. There was nothing to warn her that this night would be any different than the others. They had been dating for several months now-since they had discovered each other, or he had dis- covered her-in the English class. First there had been the casual words, then the increasing familiarity fol- lowed by steady dating. She liked Chuck quite a bit, though she would never admit it to anyone unless it seemed advantageous. She thought he was rather nice looking. Tall, with completely unmanageable hair, eyes that varied between blue and green, Chuck was disgustingly modest-half apologetic in most of his actions, and completely under her spell. She liked to think that he wor- shipped her and he had certainly acted like it at times. His car wasn't new, nor was it a convertible, but it was nice to have a car to get around in and she rather liked him. He had acted unusually nervous this night and his obvious attempts to get her away from the dance early had annoyed her. She had been stub- born for a while but finally tired of it, deciding that a woman must give in occasionally. He drove to their place. That was whate he called it-'Their place'. He had dated her several times before he had brought her here and it was here that he had first kissed her. He liked the place. When they were here he lost some of the self-consciousness and tension that he always seemed to have in public. He dropped his normal reserve and talked freely and seriously. He had exposed himself deeply and almost religiously to her but she hadn't bee able to understand him and usually had been content to let him ramble without really listening. It had been a warm lazy night and she had felt sleepy. It was a long time before Chuck had said anything. He had just looked at her. He always did this and it made her feel nice. It was this action that had led her ra decide that he worshipped her. He looked at her that way. Then Chuck had began to talk. He had talked for a long time. The words were a sweet whisper that mingled with the soft rustle of the Illustrated by Nick Bova breeze; they had drifted through the sleepiness of her brain. Sweet words that she never quite remembered. II The ring was beautiful. When he kissed her goodnight she wasn't even able to return the kiss. She felt the warmth of excitment in her body; it was a beautiful ring. She found it impossible to say anything. What could she say? She didn't know and she didn't care. The world was a tremendous ring and the moon its liamond. Chuck finally went away, after muttering some unintelligible words and kissing her nervously. It was still early and most of the girls had not yet returned from their dates. She danced into her room, whirled gaily around a chair several times and threw herself across the bed. The ring was beautiful. She rested her chin on one hand and held the ring before her eyes for a long time. It was white gold-she decided that she loved white gold-and it had five diamonds, a large one in the center and two on either side. It was beautiful. She found herself saying that over and over. She decided that it mist have cost Chuck quite a bit. She tried to remember what he had said when he had given her the ring. She couldn't remember but she decided that it must have been something about love. What else would a fellow say when he gave a girl a ring? She wished she had listened. But then, Chuck was so hard to understand. She removed one shoe and tossed it in the general direction of the closet. She wished the girls would hurry home-they would be surprised. She thought of Mary. Mary, especially, would be surprised. Mary had been engaged for several months and had displayed her ring until she was be- coming a bore. She thought of Mary's ring-it had only three dia- monds. Mary probably would be very catty. She slid from the ,bed and began undressing. She tos'sed her clothes about the room, pausing repeatedly to look at the ring. It was so beauti- ful. III There was absolutely nothing in the world like being engaged. She had no doubt of that. When the girls had come home that first night, she had allowed them to talk themselves out before saying anything. Then she had been the center of attraction while telling them of Chuck's ner- vousness and his insistance on leaving the dance early. She had held them in suspense before producing the ring. It had created a small riot. There (continuted on page 24) "Care to have a testimonial?" SINCLAIR ROGERS--SHOWME CIRCULATION is maintained through a closely-knit group called the "Feelthy Filtators," organized to sell undercover wherever a market prevails. These unsung heros are found in any alley, gin mill, or attic in Columbia and are recog- nized by their turned-down hat brims and turned-up collars. They are often heard saying, "Pss-sst! Hey Mac! Feelthy Showme?" FEELTHY SHOWMES How to put out a Feelthy Issue in five easy lessons 16 "The 'Feelthy Issue,' " snarles "Bit- ter" Dick, the new editor, "will be our next issue. Get busy, boys." He then bit off the end of a cigar, spat on the floor, and began copying ex- cerpts from Forever Amber. "Gabe" Gabriel stopped twirling his activity keys, plucked a volume of jokes from the shelf, and murmered something about 'Feelthy cartoons.' "This hard-hitting Feelthy ad copy should knock 'em dead," boasted "Trembling" Trimble as he tucked his layouts under the arm of his racoon coat and left to sell ads. "Slick" Nick looked up from pol- ishing his Threadneedles, gazed lov- ingly at his illustration 'like Jon Whitcomb's,' and then continued to polish his Threadneedles. "Lucky" Litner poured himself a quick slug of Vat 69, pulled out his typewriter and pecked-out the title "Fable of the Feelth," and then sat back and admired it. "I have a terrific idea for some Feelthy promotion," screamed "Tur- tleneck" Mayer, jumping up and down waving his hands. "You see, we get fifty girls--" EDITOR "Bitter" Dick Sanders is kept busy editing Feelthy fiction between intervals of periodical police raids. VICE-EDITOR "Torchv" Sanders han- dies all loose odds and ends on the staff, including some fine promotional work. BUSINESS MANAGER "Blackie" Spar- ano orders the month's supply of hooch, black rqlars, green visors, and nasty literature. STAFF MEETINGS are held irregularly in clean, air-conditioned offices called "The Catacombs," where the wholesome atmosphere lends to the editing of Feelthy fiction, feautres, and filler. Assorted staff members drape their frames over assorted furniture as they go about the difficult and ponderous task of coordinating their departments into one big moss of Feelth. 17 Murder At Misery U. By Jim Seer DETECTIVE Captain Clancy swung the swivel chair around, hooked his size twelves on the radiator, spat a mouthful of tobacco juice out the second story window of the Crumnia Municiple Building and began clean- ing his finger nails with an old razor blade. Clancy was an important man to the detective bureau of the little college town of Crumnia. He was not only the captain; he was the lieutenant, sergeant and corporal. In fact, he was the whole damn bureau. He had served in this capacity for three weeks and his duties had con- sisted entirely of sitting in the chair and cleaning his finger nails. Mor- gan, who had been the whole damn bureau before him, had done the same thing for twelve years. As a patrolman, Clancy had been driven nearly crazy by the occasional riots and frequent parties, which came close to being riots, of the students of nearby Misery U. Their driving had terrorized him. But that was over now and Clancy was content, for nothing ever happened in Crumnia that would require the attentions of a detective-until today. Police Chief Twiddle roared into Clancy's office. "Got a job for you," he rumbled. Clancy fell out of the chair. "Pete and Thompson found a body in an open manhole this morning," the chief continued, ignoring Clancy's position. "It was shot twice, stabbed five times and had a rope around his neck." "Is he dead?" Clancy asked from the floor. The Chief stared at Clancy as if he wasn't sure. "Better get on it," he said, deciding that he wasn't sure. Clancy dropped down to the morgue and had a look at the body. It made him sick. When he was through be- ing sick, he had a talk with the two patrolmen who had found the body. He learned that they had found sev- e'al government books with the body. That, of course, meant Misery U. Clancy dropped in at the Admin- istration Building of M. U. Three hours, two vice-presidents, three secre- taries, an assistant dean and six miles of records later, Clancy learned that a government instructor was missing; He gave up the Administration Build- ing and got a description of the miss- ing party, a certain Professor Bates, from a janitor. It fit the body per- fectly. Next he had a talk with Bates' secretary. He learned that Bates had given his class a pop quiz several days before. One student had received an F. He had had words with Bates about it and several threats had been heard. The student was Looie Potts of Kipsa Delphic Plaster Fraternity. The Kipsa Delphic Plaster house was surrounded by a green lawn and various colored convertibles. Clancy rang the bell. "Yes sir?" said a fine looking lad of about eighteen years. "I'm from police headquarters." "JIGGERS THE COPS!" the lad screamed, slamming the door. A siren began to blow inside the house. There was the sound of violent confusion and then silence. "Joe, you get the back door. (Th s from inside the house.) Mike, you're in charge of windows. Stan, you get the gats. Fred, take the bottles and pin-ups to the vault. Remember boys, we'll hold this line if it takes all summer. Three cheers for Misery U. and K.D.P.!" "I want Looie Potts," Clancy roared, pounding on the door. "If you don't give him up I'll call the riot squad." Crumnia didn't have a riot squad but this sounded mean as hell to Clancy. He heard some muf- fled whispers. Then the door opened. "Yes sir?" said a different, fine looking lad. "I want Looie Potts." "I'm Looie Potts." "I arrest ,you for the murder of Prof. Bates." Clancy felt sorry for the lad. He looked scared. The lad said, "Ah, your fadders dirty sox." The bailiff tried for thirty minutes to quiet the courtroom. It was a mess. All Misery U. had turned out for the trial. The room was filled with noise and beer bottles. Three cheer leaders were raising general hell on the judge's bench. The football team was in the front row eyeing the officers on duty. The officer was very uncomfortable. "Order in the court," the bailiff shouted. "I object," said Looie's lawyer, a Misery U. law student. "Gawdamnit, shut up," roared the bailiff. Everybody shut up and the bailiff forgot what he was supposed to do next. The judge entered and took his seat. The bailiff couldn't tell the crowd to sit down because no one was standing. The bailiff went home. Judge Witless had been on the Crumnia bench for forty-five years. Never before had he seen such a grand crowd. It pleased him. "Who's the first offender," he said gaily. (continued next page) The Pen Point Campus Florist Ambrose's The New Dixie "There is only one offender," the D. A. explained, "This is a murder trial. "No traffic offenders?" The judge sounded hurt. "I'm sorry,' the D. A. said. He was disappointed too. "Damnit," the judge muttered, sticking out his lower lip. "Your honor," shouted the D. A. waving his arms around, "Gentlemen of the jury (they were all women), Ladies and gentlemen of the radio au- dience, Mr. President, we are gathered here on this momentous occasion to uh, to uh, w are uh,- ." "I object," said Looie's lawyer. "Three dollars or three days," said the judge. "I beg your pardon," said the D. A. "What's that?" "I said, I beg your pardon." "Yes, don't let it happen again." The judge crawled up on the desk. "Who's the party what's supposed to be a murderer?" He winked at a co-ed in the front row. Looie quit waving to friends in the crowd. "At's me." "Did you kill this guy Bates?" the judge said fiercly. "Naw, he's a smoe." "Ah ha," the judge cackled turning on the D. A., "you told me this was a murder trial." "It is," the D. A. sputtered. "Damme man, he just said he didn't do it." "But your honor-." "I object," said Looie's lawyer. "I'm an old M. U. man myself," the judge said, waving to the football team. "Your honor," roared Clancy, "You can't do this. I ran all over that campus looking for a murderer." "You did what?" "I ran all over that campus." "Five dollars or five days." "What for?" "Reckless driving." 'But I wasn't even in a car. I can't drive.' "Ha, no license. Lock hirh up." 'Hooray for Kipsa Delphic Plaster," Looie shouted. "I object," said his lawyer. "I'm an old Kipsa man myself," said the D. A. going over to Looie and trying out the secret handshake. "We're loyal to you, Misery U. For you we'll all be true," the judge sang beating time with his gavel. "Aw hell," muttered Looie's lawyer, "I never get a break." Clancy swung the swivel chair around, laid down the razor blade and spat a mouthful of tobacco juice out the window. He stared at his finger nails for a while, then took out his gun and blew a large hole in his head. A Misery U. Journalism student stuck his head in the door, looked at Clancy and yelled, "OH BOY, A SCOOP." THE END From the Missourian: (A synopsis of "La Boheme") Rodolfo, who had been conversing with Musetta, suddenly senses the sepulchral atmosphere that permeates the garret. Hence, he realizes that Mimi has passed away. Despondently, he rushes to her bedside and cries, "Mimi, Mimi, vcneqqsacmfw shrd staoi etaoinn" -That's a rather free translation, of course. BLUE SHOP CAMPUS SNACK "Before T hat Date" GOLDEN CAMPUS The Novus Shop THE RING. (continued from page 15 ) was no doubt that it was the most beautiful ring that any of them had ever seen. Mary had been very polite about it and been forced to admit, when the girls were speculating about the price of the ring, that hers un- doubtedly cost less. It had been a wonderful night for her and every day since had been won- derful. Everyone she knew wanted to see the ring and offer best wishes. When she went anywhere with Chuck. they were always the center of a group of well-wishers. Fellows that she had dated formerly made polite remarks about another good girl being out of circulation. The magic of the ring had created a new life in which she was the ruler of all. She held sway over the masses and they bowed at her feet. Her entire life was different. School became a deep valley over which she drifted on a lovely pink cloud, illuminated by the brilliance of the ring. When she had dates with Chuck they were different too. She had a different feeling for him; she felt closer to him. He didn't care too much for the newly gained popularity, but she decided that that was just Chuck's way. He would drive to 'their place' often and talk for hours. Sometimes she would listen, but more often she was content to let his words mix with the soft whisper of the breeze while she thought of the ring- the wonderful ring. IV She really didn't notice the dif- ference until Mary announced her wedding date. It was a complete sur- prise to her. She hadn't even realized that Mary was thinking of getting married. The wedding brought a new bustle of activity to the house and not one person was interested in .her ring. It was somewhat annoying to her to have the engagement shoved aside by a marriage,.but there wasn't anything she could do about it. That wasn't the only thing she noticed. Fellows who normally would ask for a date now and then began avoiding her or merely spoke with ob- vious politeness. The newness of the ring had disappeared and with it the surge of pleasantness that she had as- sociated with it. No one .paid them any particular attention at dances or parties anymore. Chuck liked it and he hadn't made it any secret. She agreed with him. Of course she agreed with him. 'She knew it wasn't the loss of attention. There was just something that had disappeared and she was unable to find just what it was. She felt that Chuck was becoming unbearable about 'their place'. He in- sisted on going there more often now. His sweet words were like a thick honey and gaged her. The thought of going out with his was no longer pleasant to her. She began avoiding him. V She knew the fight was coming; she anticipated it with a subdued longing, awaited it, tried to provoke it. She knew it had to come. He parked the car and put his arm around her. The touch was distasteful. Then he looked at her in that worshipful way; she hated it. Now she hated it. He spoke and the words were clear; they no longer mixed with the breeze; the softness was gone. He spoke of love and she despised the words. He spoke tenderly, earnestly, and he looked at her. The hate of the words and the look grew and transformed into words of anger. It came easy, the fight. He was hurt; he was sorry. She hated that too. She could think of only one thing- to get away from him, away from his love, away from the sickening words. He smiled quietly; he understood. He smiled but the hurt was there. (continued next page) Frozen Gold Ice Cream ESSER DRUG STORE The Shack VI The dance was wonderful. She glided smoothly across the floor and felt the softness of the music. She was living again; she felt wonderful. Chuck was gone-and the ring, the horrible ring. She felt rather sorry for Chuck and his disgusting modesty and apologetic actions. She knew that Chuck wasn't too bad, in his way. He had meant well but it had been so difficult for her to understand him. He should have known that she wasn't ready for marriage. She pitied him- he should have realized. She thought of poor Chuck (it was always poor Chuck now) and the ring. She really felt bad about the ring. Poor stupid Chuck; he had refused to look for the ring when she had thrown it in the weeds beside the car at 'their place'. She pitied poor Chuck and his funny ideas. The music was wonderful; every- thing was wonderful; she was living again. THE END From the Missourian: . William peak afs Robert Browning and Marjorie Mercer as Elfizabeth Barrett Browning will plfay the leadps finpn what Prof. Rhynsburfger describes as one of the great lovfe stories of all time. -Wellk! You sdon't sfay! From the Missourian: Two Stephens College students will entertain at the Engineers Club meet- ing at 7:30 tonight in the University Laboratory School Auditorium. -Hmmmm. Headline, the Missourian: Mrs. Amanda Ballew Celebrates 90 Years -She must be tired. Headline, the Missourian: Jone Froman Robbed, But Only Cash Taken -Ah, for o minute we were warried. The Fable of the Censor by Jerry Litner Griffith Watch Repair ONCE upon a time in a far off land, you could sit around the fires at night and listen to the old men tell this tale as they sat picking fleas off each other. It was dangerous to listen to this tale, for after it was told, there was always a fight. They fought be- cause some men said that Archibald McBrahim was a great man, and others vehemently insisted that he was a blot on the face of humanity and that he thoroughly deserved all he got. But let me take you back to the begin- ning: Archibald McBrahim was born of normal parents. His father was a man, and his mother was a retired woman of the avenues. Archibald was normal, too. That is, at least until he was six years old. One day, when he was about six, his mother read him the story of Goldy- locks and the Three Bears. When she was finished, she asked him, "Now, wasn't that a nice story, dear?" He looked up from her lap and an- swered, "It was all right, but its hidden meaning isn't fit for little chil- dren my age." "Why, Archy, what do you mean?" she gasped. "The story obviously has hidden meaning. The whole point of it is that it advocates little girls running around looking for adventure, and I don't think little children should be taught that sort of thing." His mother laughed and thought it was very funny. As Archy grew, he became more and more sensitive to hidden porno- graphic meanings. It finally got to the point that one day in a fit of dis- gust, after reading Bambi, he burned every book in the McBrahim house- (continued next page) The Inglenook Restaurant Eat Shop MISSOURI STORE COMPANY hold, including that foul resevoir of sex, the dictionary Matters became much worse when Archy went to school. As a matter of fact, when he was in the sixth grade, he was reponsible for sending his teacher to prison for two-to-five years. He accused her of trying to corrupt the minds of children when she told them they were going to study geography of France. Arguing in court that France was a country of immoral people and therefore a cor- rupting subject for children's minds, he had no trouble putting this cul- tural ghoul away where she couldn't teach her smutty things to young minds. After graduating from high school (actually he didn't graduate, for he refused to read the required text books; rather, he was thrown out with a diploma, just to get rid of him), he went to college, but he didn't stay long. He quit within a few short months when he realized that all the courses were merely excuses foi pro- fessors to write books with hidden meanings. When he told the dean he was quitting school, the dean said, "McBrahim, if you keep looking for hidden meanings, someday you'll find one that you'd be better off without." But Archy just laughed it off. After this interesting college career, he drifted to Boston and right into the Watch and Ward Society. At the society, he started out as an office boy, but soon the sheer force of his purity pushed him to the top. After demanding the resignation of all the other members when he caught them reading a copy of the Boston Globe that had a rape story on the twelfth page, he was the sole master of Bos- ton's culture. His zeal was so great that no matter what came into his hands, he would chortle, "Ahh, this looks like it has hidden meaning to it." Then he would ban it. Soon the city of Boston was turn- ing illiterate. The reign of McBra- him was intolerable to the intellect- uals, but they could do nothing ex- cept curse him, threaten his life, and mutter under their beards that some- day his search for hidden meanings would get him into trouble. One day in April, McBrahim re- ceived a package that ticked like a clock. When he saw it, he said, "Ahh, this looks like it has a hidden mean- ing." And sure enough it did. The damn thing blew up in his face at 10:53 a. m. Moral: He who looketh for hot stuff will find dynamite. THE END "They must have had a party at the fraternity house last night." "All lit up." "Only the students. The house was dark." Dr. Gordon: "What is logic, Mr. Brown?" Mr. Brown: "Why, logic is the stat- ing of things you know in language so you can't recognize them." LIFE SAVER JOKE CONTEST Submit your favorite joke and win a carton of Life Savers! The best joke, in the opinion of the edi- torial staff, will win a carton of as- sorted Life Savers. Entries should be addressed to: Missouri SHOWME 304 Read Hall, Columbia, Mo. MISSOURI TELEPHONE COMPANY Life Savers Brown Derby Central Swami's Side-Slappers Cy: There was a girl in the hotel room next to mine last night, and she kept me awake all night eating candy. Guy: How could you tell? Cy: All night long I heard say, "Oh Henry! Oh Henry! Oh Henry!" * * "What have you done," St. Peter asked, "that I should admit you to heaven?" "Why," the young man said, "I edited a college humor magazine for one year during my university days.' St. Peter shook his head gravely and 'touched the bell. "Come in, my poor man, select a harp. You've had your share of Hell." * * Whoever said sweater girls would make excellent school teachers was absolutely right. After all, they out- line things so clearly. * * Freshman: "And what did you do when her strapless formal began to come off?" Senior: "I helped her out as best I could." * * Marriage is like a bath-by the time you get used to it, it's not so hot. * * Chinese Husband: "Our child is white. Iss velly strange." Chinese Wife: "'Tis true. Two Wongs do not make a White." * * Co-ed Junior: "You've certainly got to hand it to Jim when it comes to making love." Co-ed Senior: "My lord, is he that lazy?" CHARLIE'S Gibson's Apparel This is the town of Columbia Where students exist without numbia. They constantly pass As they hurry to class, But they never grow smart, just dumbia. Doesn't the morning begin to fizzle When the Prof says that he ten-min- ute quiz'll? Man cannot live by bread alone (At least as a steady diet), But ere thirty days of the month have flown, How many vets will try it! Poets often write in This manner because In these days of high Prices this verse Form is still Free. It's hard to study in a trailer Unless your wife feeds the little wailer. Lafter Thoughts One doctor serves each six hundred insane, A condition that seems pretty bad, But it only serves to make one fact plain: You'll have to stand in line to go mad! A lassie wha came fra' Loch Ness Got herself in a hell of a mess, She always said, "Aye," When approached by a guy, For she was that kind-more a' less. In reutrn for these rhymes, I expect no praise- Just ask the ed to give me a raise. Donn. A kiss is such tenderness! What ecstasy it brings! Flavored with cosmetics, Smoke, gin, and all such things! Little Johnny, with a grin, Drank up all his father's gin. Mother laughed to see him plastered, Said, "Come to bed, you little- darling." 31 "I hear Penrod has a new technique." Boy of the Month. ART BERLINER Photograph by Gibbons Griffin at Julie's Senior in Arts and Science, majoring in English Literature . . . Chairman, Read Hall Music Committee . . . Read Hall Policy Board . University Singers . . Vice-president, Men's Glee Club . . . Varsity Quartette . . Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia (men's music honorary) . . . Arts and Science Club . . . KFRU com- mentator . . . Carousel . . . M.C., Read Hall Baby Show . . . MUsettes . 21 . . New York City. Girl of the Month. MARJORIE LAFFOON Photograph by Gibbons Griffin at Julie's Senior in Business and Public Administration, majoring in government service. President, Mortar Board . . . Associated Women Students Council . . . Senior Sponsor, Women's Residence Hall . . . Treasurer, Independent Women's Organization . . . Phi Chi Theta (business honorary sorority) . . . Kappa Epsilon Alpha (sophomore honorary) . YWCA . 22 . . . Cedar Hill, Mo. 33 KAMPUSTOWNE GROCER Chesterfield Cigarettes Swami's Side-Slappers Then there was the stoy; of the Ozark mountaineer who put a silencer on his shotgun because his daughter wanted a quiet wedding. "Meet me at the Shack at seven, Charlie." "All right, Mabel, what time will you be there?" * * "I've just shot a dog." "Was he mad?" "Well, he wasn't very pleased." * * "It's a sad case." "What is?" "A dozen empties." * A fraternity had sent its window curtains to the cleaners, and there was some delay in having them returned. One morning a note arrived for the president from a sorority across the street. "Dear sirs:" it read, "may we sug- gest that you procure curtain for your windows. We do not care for a course in anatomry." The president replied promptly with the following answer: "Dear girls: This course is not compulsory." (Entries must be mailed to be elig- ible for contest.) Sally Ben Lofquist Bob Konrad Doris Hess Dot Gorlich Joe Zilson C. J. Shelker Daisy Hayden John Feinworth Ray Winters Marilyn Yaffe Missouri Showme Reports: On Stephens Watchmen kEMEMBERING last year's thwarted attempt to interview a Step- hens watchman, we stuck -out our collective chin a few Wednesdays ago and strode resolutely over to their campus to get an answer to that peren- nial question, "Do Stephens watchmen get paid?" Our memory was rather active this day, and it remided us that we were not held in too high a regard at Step- hens. So we thought we'd go over to the journalism department and clear the story with them-something we usually don't bother to do. We walked around the block trying to find the right address and finally located it in an unobtrusive building on Price Avenue. We got to know this place quite well, as we made four trips be- fore we caught the head of the jour- nalism department. Having finally landed our fish, he promptly turned us into suckers by giving us the old run-around. We smiled sweetly and left, making a mental note never to go through channels again. We happened to be passing College and Broadway Avenues that evening, looking for some unwary watchman, when we almost walked into one who was conducting some girls across the street with the aid of a large flash- light. We backed away, sized him up, and concluded that he was an old man, certainly not very terrifying. Instead, he gave us the impression that he couldn't move without disin- tegrating. Nonetheless, we carefully sidled up to him and opened the con- versation by remarking, "You'd think girls their age would be able to cross the street by themselves, wouldn't you?" He allowed that you would, and it turned out that once he got talking, he couldn't be stopped. After find- ing that he does get paid and that he likes his job, we asked him who gave him the most trouble. He replied that drunks were the worst of the lot, and that he rarely had difficulties with fraternity boys. "What about the other guys?" we naively asked. "Oh," said he, "the high school boys give a little more," leaving us to won- der if he thought that all M.U. boys were greeks, or if he meant high school fraternities. However, we (continued next page) Stein Club TIGER Laundry and Dry Cleaning White House DAVIS CLEANERS passed on and found that Stephens is constantly patrolled by 19 watchmen on three shifts, two night and one day. We tried to interrupt with a ques- tion, but he pretended not to hear us and just kept on talking. He told us that it is a school regulation that they break up the neckers, not just some- thing they do for the hell of it, but that they don't break up necking in the front of the dorms as that is for the woman in charge to do. It was then that we made our sad mistake. He was saying so much good stuff that we thought we'd better take some of it down. So we started writing. "What's that?" asked he. "Who you from?" He grabbed our paper and tore it in pieces, stuffing them in his pocket. "Now go along before I have you run in," he warned us. Indignantly we told him. that we had our story cleared with the jour- nalism department (A bold lie if we ever told one), but he said it didn't cut any ice with him. Daringly we asked him if there were any dark places not patrolled. When informed that there weren't, and told exactly what would happen if we stayed around any longer, we left, first let- ing him know that we had remembered everything he said. As we drifted up College Avenue, his voice followed us with a character- istic remark. "Just as long as you don't have nothin' down on paper!" When we got home we turned on the radio just in time to hear Dorothy Shay's version of "Finishing School Was the Finish of Me." Quite pos- sible, we agreed. F. c. s. The Radio PERHAPS some of you have read Will Cuppy's little articles on various animals in magazines and newspapers. At any rate, I have. So, if he can steal stories from the Encyclopedia Brittanica and write them into humor articles, I can, too. Here goes: The radio is a non-edible object- found around hundreds of homes and saloons. It is usually brown in color, although modern science has produced them in various hues. Most are wood, but many are plastic. All of them have little knobs in various positions on them. Quite often, these little knobs are placed in strange symmetri- cal patterns: triangles, squares, or even straight lines." All radios have dials.3 In our modern world, radios serve little purpose. They seem to be good only for making strange crackling noises and producing the voices of ab- solute strangers that tell us news of other absolute strangers. Many peo- ple will protest this statement and say that radios bring us music. I have never heard any!* That should take care of those people. Radios seem to be highly desirable to people who do not wish they had a television set instead after they have bought one. But, who doesn't?" This fact, however, makes radios quite, good for hockable purposes if your laun- dry bill is too high for the week or something. Prices on radios range from "Very cheap" to "Oh, you couldn't afford that!" I predict that with the coming of more bars, television will force radio out of business! 1. Unless you have a small baby who will prove nothing is nun-edible. 2. If you are intoxicated, even straight lines may be triangular. 3. Well, all right, then, some don't! 4. My hearing aid was broken in 1902 and I never got it fixed. 5. Not me. BUCHROEDER'S nEUKOmms Peterson Studio Burrall Class Swami's Side-Slappers Student: "Professor, if I called you an ass, would it be an insult?" Prof: "Why, yes!" Student: "Well, if I called an ass a professor, would that be an insult?" Prof: "No." Student: "Thank you, professor." * * "The police have discovered a new murder mystery." "What are the circumstances?" "In the library, they found a man's nose buried in a book." * * Adam was not only the first man- he was the first man to have no mother-in-law. That's why he lived in Paradise. "What are you thinking ot?" "Nothing." "There you go, ego-always ego." * . "Listen, you! When I bought this cat, you told me she was splendid for mice. She won't even touch them!" "Well, ain't that splendid for mice?" Jerrymandering with Jerry Smith .MUST say it is a very pleasant occupation being a sophomore. Now I am able to talk back to teachers, drink beer, use .swear words, ignore studies, whistle at girls and do other things which I did as a freshman. Now it's legal. The other day I am making like a track star through Jesse (not that I have any place to go but you never know when Jesse will burn down) when this guy gets between me and the door and says, "Pardon me sir." This is a terrific shock to me-like offering a co-ed a cigarette and she says no. "I am Foggy Daze," he lets me know, "and I am rather new to this country. Could you be so pleasant as to inform me of the whereabouts of the location of Jessies' Hall?" This brings to thought that the campus is now overrun with a small minority group known legally as frosh. Since I am a sophomore, I have no intention of being pleasant. "Si, senor," I throw at him, dazzl- ing him with a brilliant display of my entire Spanish vocabulary, "It is over that way." I point in the general direction of Nome, Alaska. "Oh thank you sir," he says, tipping a shiny beany which bears the colors of Vassar. Then he bows twice, whirls around, takes two steps and wraps himself around one of the poles holding up the second floor. I re- member that I am now a sophomore and so I leave him to be trampled by the 1:30 classes. Who is sitting on a bench outside Jesse but Sugar Uall, the southern belle from South Weehauken, North Da- kota. and a strange frill who is com- pletely unknown to me. Sugar greets me warmly, for Sugar is well known for her warmth. (People sometimes call it that.) She invites me to par- take of a little chit-chat with them. It seems that this strange frill is new to the campus and Sugar has been showing her the sights. (And, believe me, no one is able to show the sights like Sugar.) The frill tells me that the campus is very nice except for the petrified trees which grow out of the center of Red. At this Sugar has convulsions and spits her bubble gum about six feet. "My gracious," says Sugar, being disgustingly Memphis, "Who on earth evah tol' li'l youall that?" I lighted a cigarette, expecting to hear again all about the burning build- ing. "Wha, li'l them ain't li'l ole petri- fied trees. They's li'l ole tombstones of li'l ole confederate generals killed in the battle of li'l ole Dalton's Coal Pile." And she has a boyfriend who's a KA to prove it. I stagger over to the Shack, hoping to find a nice drunk with whom I may have an intelligent conversation, but the only person there I know is Chowhall Shyster for whom I have a great disliking. Last year the government gives the vets a ten peso raise and Chowhall is put in charge of "The Committee to Get That Ten from the GIs on Blue Campus." Chowhall is so successful that last month the name is changed to "The Committee to Get the Other Five." Chowhall is very unpopular. I suddenly notice a spur hanging next to my right eye. I am not one to be easily disturbed but I am not used to having spurs hanging next to my eyes and it somewhat surprises me. Then I notice that the spur is attached to a large boot on which a white star is painted. Right away I know that it is Two-Gun Levi from (continned next page) "It's OK-I've had my flu shot." SUDDEN SERVICE CLEANERS HARWELL MANOR Tehksas for he always sits wi*h his boots in the air so everyone will know that he is from Tehksas. Two-Gun is a very popular guy with the frills for he has a convertible and he is-he does- he can-he would-he-. Like I say, he has a convertible. Normally I would converse with Two-Gun, bit I am not in the mnod to hear about the Alamo, Doak Wal- ker, or how Tehksas could damn well do without the rest of the U. S. Sigma Al pops in looking very dis- gusted and tells me all about his trouble with finals. It seems that Sigma decides that poines are too old fashioned and so he makes some ar- rangement with Lungs Khafru, the radio announcer. Sigma purchases a hearing aid which is not a hearing aid but a peanut size radio. Lungs, who has a radio program the same time as one of Sigma's tests, is supposed to relay information in code. This is working very well for a while until Didaw Static, the amateur radio ham, makes like N.B.C. and louses it up with interference. So Sigma flunks. Of course, everyone has troubles with finals. I ask Cue Ball Stanza, the pool hall poet, about them, and he says, "All the people I know, are to my face confiding, that finals are the evil, which causes suiciding." People, especially frosh, should not take this too much to heart. Montana Kolwicz, the football player, who is not always too bright, ends up with an S average. Of course, for Mon- tana the faculty is very kind and combines all his tests in one and he puts all the pegs in the correct holes. Normally this would result in an E but they decide that Montana receives too much help from his three year old son. Classes are very pleasant places to attend also. Here you meet presi- dents, writers, columnists, artists, queens, radio announcers, and people who study. The teachers are very hrmorous also. They tell funny iokes which to ignorant newcomers don't sound funny. After being around a while you soon discover that they are funnv and if you laugh real loud and make like a cheer leader you may be allowed to take new subjects the following semester. Agitated Jones, who is a profes- sioral cheer leader and has learned to laugh at anything, is very good at this. He makes all E's and never takes the same subject twice. Of course there are exceptions to every- thing. I enjoy taking the same subjects over, myself, and I get better every year. I know my government book by heart. Some day the instructor will give a .test from the book and I will pass the course. Many teachers are very kind- hearted. For example, the other day I am sitting in class working very hard at drawing big circles outside of little circles when the teacher asks Hot Lips Spinozza, an interesting frill, who is president during the Civil War. Hot Lips is very distressed. (Which means I was out late last ,night. and didn't get a damn thing done.) She is so distressed that is seems she will cry, only I know she will not for then her mascara would run and not mix with the powder which is not in her face and everyone would know that she is naturally pasty-faced. Instead she yanks out a thirty-inch comb and makes like a mechanical- harvester so everyone will notice that her hair is now blonde even at the roots and says, "Oh, sir, I am unable to think of the correct answer." The kind-hearted old gen- tleman gives her an E. Of course there is a little action which I omitted. First, Hot Lips hitches, up her skirt about six inches and goes into the old routine. I thought this would be a good time to pick up an easy E. So I in- terrupt the pantomine and inform the prof that Lincoln is president during the Civil War for which I receive an F. Damn rebels. Now I must dash back to my cave and write a letter to Nasal Vowels, who conducts the B's Wax record program. The B's stand for Boogie- Woogie, Basin Street, and bad jokes. (We trade material.) I am going to request for Nasal to play a record which he won't have so he'll substi- tute something else which he can't find so he'll play what he damn well wants to play. I am going to have him dedicate it to a girl whose name he won't be able to read so he'll think up another one which will break up three happy romances. Nasal has more fun than anybody. THE END Showme Queen Contest Gaebler's Cup Board H.R. Mueller Florist Moon Valley Villa Swami's Side-Slappers "I'm sorry," said the elevator girl, "did I stop too abruptly?" "Oh, no," said the disgruntled pas- senger, "I always wear my pants down here." Co-ed: "Honestly, Jack, can't you be good for five minutes?" Jack: "Hell, I'll be good for 20 years yet." A citizen was walking up Broad- way when he was buttonholed by a character who said: "Shay, can you tell me where to find Alcoholicsh Anonymush?" "Why," said the citizen, "do you want to join?" "Nope," said the drunk, "I wanna resign." He: "Do you neck?" She: "That's my business!" He: "Oh, a professional.' She was only the film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out. !* Baby corn: Mama, where did I come from? Mama corn: Hush, dear, the stalk brought you. "Well, son, what was the hardest thing you learned at college?" "How to open beer bottles with a quarter." s * Freshman: May I kiss you? Co-ed: Damn! Another amateur! Professor (irritated): If there are any morons in the room, please stand up. A long pause, and a lone freshman rose. Professor: What! Do you con- sider yourself a moron? Freshman: Well, not exactly, but I hated to see you standing all by yourself. * * Don: Pardon me, but you look like Helen Green. Ron: So what? I look worse in pink. * * "Gosh, you have a lovely figure." "Oh, let's not go all over that again." The convertible was parked along a counrty lane. The moon was shin- ing beautifully. She: You remind me of Don Juan. He: What do you know about him? He's dead. She: Yes, I know. * * "Are they very strict at your col- lege?" "Strict! Bill dropped dead in class and they propped him up till the lec- ture ended!" Sign seen in a St. Louis store win- dow: "Ladies, these shoes positively make street walking a pleasure." BALFOUR Modem LITHO-PRINT COMPANY Missouri Showme Contributors' Page Beech-Nut Gum Phil Sparano Photograph by lulle' Studio Phil Sparano, our energetic Busi- ness Manager, is in her last semester for Showme and the University. (Phil is short for Philomena, not Phillip as much of her mail indicates.) She graduates next June with a journal- ism degree in news. Phil came to us three years ago as a secretary, and she's been our custodian of funds for two and a half. Besides her work for Showme, her activities include presidency of Theta Sigma Phi (women's journalism hon- orary), Read Hall Publicity Chair- man, Read Hall Policy Board, and past memberships on the A.W.S. coun- cil and the Judiciary Council. Phil, a dark-haired Pennsylvania girl who has to stand on her toes to reach our Neff Hall mail box-she's only 5' 1'/2 "-says her ambition is to become a foreign correspondent. Quite a goal for such a little person. Bill Davey Bill Davey, who's been cartooning for the magazine for a year and a half, caught us by surprise last month when he told us he was graduating. It turned out that Bill hadn't known until the last minute, either. So, in this issue, you'll be seeing his last cartoon for us. But it shouldn't be his last-Bill says he's been drawing ever since he can remember. A transfer from Hobart College in New York-and a native of that state -Bill left Missouri with a journalism degree. Previous to his work for Showme, he had experience on Yank and Gags Magazine. John Trimble John Trimble, one of the most versatile men to wear a Showme key, this month becomes our Advertising Director. Previously John has been our Photo Editor (a picture from one of his photo features was reprinted in Life last year), done the oil paint- ing which became our November cover, originated and drawn little 'Penrod,' written copy for 'Candidly Mizzou' and the photo features, sold ads, and occasionaly swept out the of- fice. In his spare time, he covers foot- ball and basketball games for Acme News Photos and expends his talents on the Lambda Chi Alpha house. John graduates in June with a journal-' ism degree in advertising. Then he's going to sell his motorcycle and head for his home in sunny San Diego, California. Photograph by Julie's Studio Not just another "campus queen" but the all-Campus Girl THE SHOWME QUEEN will be the all-student ideal girl. She'll be a University girl elected by all M. U. students-your representative at an event sponsored by M. U. alumni in St. Louis. The Queen, her attendant, and their chaperone will be week-end guests of the Sheraton Hotel, where they will breakfast and dine at the Sheraton's "Jug," and will spend a night in the luxurious Presidential Suite. Showme will print a four-page picture story on the Queen and her runner-up. Other pictures will be taken of them with the Red Cross during the Red Cross drive, and the Queen will have her por- trait painted by a well known painter. So do your part-make Missouri's ideal your ideal GIRL. SHOWME QUEEN ELECTION Sponsored by Missouri Showme and the Sheraton Hotel Mail Your Nomination Now! Nominations must be mailed to Missouri Showme, Room 304, Read Hall, before February 21. Any girl enrolled in Uni- versity of Missouri is eligible. Sign your nominations. Vote On February 23rd All you need to vote is a student iden- tification card. Anyone enrolled in the spring semester can vote. Candidates will be listed at the publications booth in Jesse, where balloting will continue all day Feb. 23. She'll appear in the March Issue-The girl you think is tops Chesterfield Cigarettes